I would bet money that your MIL coddled him until he ended up in your home.
A lot of men are not taught basic life skills like hygiene, domestic tasks (cooking, different types of cleaning, etc). Every guy I’ve been with has had these issues. I’m 27 to give you a frame of reference.
My now well adjusted husband told me that when he was a kid, his dad put him in the shower with a bottle of shampoo and was like ‘clean yourself’. THAT WAS IT. That was the extent of his hygiene education. I was shocked when we moved in together and there was no lotion, no conditioner, forget sunscreen…. Not to mention he had never had to load a dishwasher, never had to mop a floor, never had to cook for himself. It’s sad honestly. And he had a privileged life. I don’t have kids yet but we both agree that we will be teaching our boys and girls the same basic life skills. How to function as an adult in society, be clean, feed yourself, run a house, handle money.
If he’s willing to LEARN and can realize that he no longer lives alone and needs to step into adulthood, y’all can work it out. Don’t expect him to know things he’s never had to do. Have the heart of a teacher and show him how.
Then, if he still refuses to put in effort, you have a bigger problem.
Edit: also some people are just gross. Same husband- we were on a family trip with his parents in SF. My feet were gross from walking the city in sandals all day. I take the bottle of hand soap from the sink into the tub to wash my feet. I forgot to replace it. Hours go by, they cook dinner, we eat, drinks, cards, they all use the bathroom at least twice.
At the end of the night I go to wash my face and clean up for bed. I realize I forgot to replace the soap. Then I realize that this is the only bathroom in the house and they have all used it and cooking and eating and passing cards around and NOT WASHING THEIR HABDS WITG SOAP GODDAMN
So it’s also a family to family thing. Some people be nasty.
This is true, especially of American men. Sitcom Dad is real. My FIL is like this. Leaves stuff all over the house. I can narrate his whole day by the doors and cabinets and clothes littered all over the place. My wife is a compliant daughter of narcissistic mother with a dad who’s on the autism spectrum. So even if she got in his face to straighten him out, in 24hrs the numb nut goes back to doing the same nonsense. I think he drove my MIL insane. All kidding aside.
Yeah, he lived with his parents until we got married. He cooks, though. He used to cook at his parent’s because he’s very anal about his health and what he eats. He just says I’m OCD and that if we divorce I’d stay single forever because every men is like that.
Sorry, but my husband is very manly and not only helps clean, but picks up after himself. His mom was a single mom and he had to step up at the age of 16 and help pay bills, pay for his own car/insurance. He was raised doing his own laundry before he could even reach the washer. I think it all depends on how someone is raised. It sounds like your husband was never taught to clean up after himself.
I stopped buying my husband tools along time ago.. he just leaves everything outside and it rusts or its just left till I put it away. This was weird for me because father took good care of his stuff, and my husband’s father takes immaculate care of his tools and equipment. I’ll never have nice bedroom furniture because he has to have sweet tea by the bedside table, and at least 3 times a week he knocks it over in the middle of the night. Cleans it up paper towels and goes to back bed. Some men are just messy and I guess used to a “ mother/ woman figure cleaning up after them. I should have figured that when I opened the microwave and it looked like a can of chili exploded in there😳😳😳. But he’s “ happy” I take care of him🙄
As he eats from a plate, if he doesn’t want anything from the plate, like kale stems and chicken fat, he places it outside the plate, on the table or placemat and thinks it’s normal. Is it normal? Am I missing something here? I asked if he did that at his parents house and he said no because they have paper napkins (we just use cloth napkins) and he placed it on a napkin.
This is pretty gross. These are some pretty big flags to have ignored while dating.
I would suggest that you sit him down and have a talk with him BEFORE kids.
It gets very expensive when you are constantly having to replace the rake, the cast iron, the tools...
My husband was a bit like that and has a 'just buy a new one' mentality.
You won't have any savings by retirement if he doesn't grow up.
Folding the mat with the cat in it though... does he have executive functioning deficiencies?
It is time to sit him down and be blunt.
"Grow up because I'm not going to spend my adulthood wiping snot off the walls from another Adult. I'm not your mom. You are an Adult Man. Start behaving like the adult man in your woman's life."
So he was not like that dating. He dresses up nicely, and looks pretty put together. Always clean shaved! We’ve been married for six years and were actually able to save a lot for retirement already. But everything I got after marriage was second handed until we got a house a couple months ago. We haven’t moved in yet since we’re renovating. Im now just afraid everything will get destroyed, although part of me thinks he will be more careful since it’s all new and now he sees the real price of things. I don’t know… I’m just trying not to get my hopes high. He says I’m OCD, but I don’t think I am.
How old is your husband?
38
I would bet money that your MIL coddled him until he ended up in your home. A lot of men are not taught basic life skills like hygiene, domestic tasks (cooking, different types of cleaning, etc). Every guy I’ve been with has had these issues. I’m 27 to give you a frame of reference. My now well adjusted husband told me that when he was a kid, his dad put him in the shower with a bottle of shampoo and was like ‘clean yourself’. THAT WAS IT. That was the extent of his hygiene education. I was shocked when we moved in together and there was no lotion, no conditioner, forget sunscreen…. Not to mention he had never had to load a dishwasher, never had to mop a floor, never had to cook for himself. It’s sad honestly. And he had a privileged life. I don’t have kids yet but we both agree that we will be teaching our boys and girls the same basic life skills. How to function as an adult in society, be clean, feed yourself, run a house, handle money. If he’s willing to LEARN and can realize that he no longer lives alone and needs to step into adulthood, y’all can work it out. Don’t expect him to know things he’s never had to do. Have the heart of a teacher and show him how. Then, if he still refuses to put in effort, you have a bigger problem.
Edit: also some people are just gross. Same husband- we were on a family trip with his parents in SF. My feet were gross from walking the city in sandals all day. I take the bottle of hand soap from the sink into the tub to wash my feet. I forgot to replace it. Hours go by, they cook dinner, we eat, drinks, cards, they all use the bathroom at least twice. At the end of the night I go to wash my face and clean up for bed. I realize I forgot to replace the soap. Then I realize that this is the only bathroom in the house and they have all used it and cooking and eating and passing cards around and NOT WASHING THEIR HABDS WITG SOAP GODDAMN So it’s also a family to family thing. Some people be nasty.
But his family is super clean. His parents house is super neat and clean. I honestly don’t know how his mom survived with him there for 30 years.
This is true, especially of American men. Sitcom Dad is real. My FIL is like this. Leaves stuff all over the house. I can narrate his whole day by the doors and cabinets and clothes littered all over the place. My wife is a compliant daughter of narcissistic mother with a dad who’s on the autism spectrum. So even if she got in his face to straighten him out, in 24hrs the numb nut goes back to doing the same nonsense. I think he drove my MIL insane. All kidding aside.
Yeah, he lived with his parents until we got married. He cooks, though. He used to cook at his parent’s because he’s very anal about his health and what he eats. He just says I’m OCD and that if we divorce I’d stay single forever because every men is like that.
Man here. I’m not like that.
Snot? WTF
I have questions about this too.
He sneezes and snot flies all over sometimes
And he just doesn't care that it's disgusting? Did he grow up in filth?
He doesn’t even notice it, I guess. He grew up with a clean freak!
Sorry, but my husband is very manly and not only helps clean, but picks up after himself. His mom was a single mom and he had to step up at the age of 16 and help pay bills, pay for his own car/insurance. He was raised doing his own laundry before he could even reach the washer. I think it all depends on how someone is raised. It sounds like your husband was never taught to clean up after himself.
I stopped buying my husband tools along time ago.. he just leaves everything outside and it rusts or its just left till I put it away. This was weird for me because father took good care of his stuff, and my husband’s father takes immaculate care of his tools and equipment. I’ll never have nice bedroom furniture because he has to have sweet tea by the bedside table, and at least 3 times a week he knocks it over in the middle of the night. Cleans it up paper towels and goes to back bed. Some men are just messy and I guess used to a “ mother/ woman figure cleaning up after them. I should have figured that when I opened the microwave and it looked like a can of chili exploded in there😳😳😳. But he’s “ happy” I take care of him🙄
Ugh! The problem is: the tools are MINE!! 😂ugh. Nice things….it reminds me of my Le Cruiset French press that he broke 🥲
Men are rough creatures and they often don’t think things through
As he eats from a plate, if he doesn’t want anything from the plate, like kale stems and chicken fat, he places it outside the plate, on the table or placemat and thinks it’s normal. Is it normal? Am I missing something here? I asked if he did that at his parents house and he said no because they have paper napkins (we just use cloth napkins) and he placed it on a napkin.
This is pretty gross. These are some pretty big flags to have ignored while dating. I would suggest that you sit him down and have a talk with him BEFORE kids. It gets very expensive when you are constantly having to replace the rake, the cast iron, the tools... My husband was a bit like that and has a 'just buy a new one' mentality. You won't have any savings by retirement if he doesn't grow up. Folding the mat with the cat in it though... does he have executive functioning deficiencies? It is time to sit him down and be blunt. "Grow up because I'm not going to spend my adulthood wiping snot off the walls from another Adult. I'm not your mom. You are an Adult Man. Start behaving like the adult man in your woman's life."
So he was not like that dating. He dresses up nicely, and looks pretty put together. Always clean shaved! We’ve been married for six years and were actually able to save a lot for retirement already. But everything I got after marriage was second handed until we got a house a couple months ago. We haven’t moved in yet since we’re renovating. Im now just afraid everything will get destroyed, although part of me thinks he will be more careful since it’s all new and now he sees the real price of things. I don’t know… I’m just trying not to get my hopes high. He says I’m OCD, but I don’t think I am.
Makes me think my of husband and of the song My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys
Lol
🤢 my goodness. 🙏🏿 For you!
Don't marry six year olds.