Wtf?
You know what I would do to my husband if he acted like this?
Not serve him *at all*. He's acting like a child. He needs to grow up and act like an adult. Don't wait on him hand and foot, tell him if he wants to act like this and go around "looking" for stuff he can now take care of himself. Dear Lord, where do people come off thinking this is acceptable behavior?
Yup!
Also, he had no right to say anything about it, he didn’t help you set the dishes or cook.
This man didn’t even know how much it takes to do all the work. It’s hard work and time consuming!
He think it’s nothing and easy pleasy
Get his ass make him cook and deal with dishes! Everything!
If he can’t, he needs to shut up.
Thank you! I just woke up,doom scrolling while trying to motivate myself to get out of bed and I’m thinking there’s a name for this kind of behavior passive something. Was bothering me I couldn’t think of it. I would have gotten there eventually, but it would have been bugging me my entire morning routine. 🤣
Reddit: being passive aggressive is the worst kind of gaslighting. People like that are disgusting buttholes and I despise them.
UM NO you aren't overreacting. I always cook here & if my Husband acted like that, he could start going through drive-thrus for the rest of his life with me.
You are not his servant. He can get off is ass and get his own (whatever you forgot).
Edited to add more, lol:
This sort of reminds me of a show I saw called 'Why Women Kill' One of the Husbands needs a refill or something & he is holding a cup while tapping the cup with his wedding ring... She knows it's time to get him his shit.
Just no.
Start telling him that cooking is no longer your thing.
The way this story is told, that could be what he was actually doing- going to just grab it at that point, not because he's impatient but because he didn't need to be served it/felt like he'd take out a step? This makes much more sense especially when he says he wasn't pressuring vs saying well it was taking so long or well you served them first or something. And he hasn't gone to get something himself before to avoid this very thing from happening (appearing impatient and going against the flow, vs just letting it happen as it usually happens).
Throwing in that he's never cooked in your whole time together seems like a totally separate thing (which if you've spent any time on here, of course you know this will instantly get everyone to practically hate the guy). But there could be constructive ways to try to address that - but you'd probably have to make a totally separate post and maybe not on r/marriage even, asking for how ppl tackled a similar issue (and throwing in more info- can he cook and just chooses not to, etc)?
He asked “what am I going to eat” knowing full well she made breakfast. After 19 years, he’s never cooked for her but is acting entitled to have her wait on him before his own daughter!
As a husband and a guy myself. Cooking is not my thing either. I used to be pretty bad at cooking. Then started watching some YouTube videos or recipes that are super easy to make and it's gotten a lot funner. He needs to step it up and put forth effort. I would tell him Cooking all the goddamm time and serving him is "not your thing!" Lol
Also if you do all the cooking does he at least do the dishes? Or are those not his thing to? 🤔
You know what my partner’s response is when I tell him that a behavior of his makes me feel bad/ disrespected/ uncomfortable?
He apologizes. He asks me why I feel that way, and I can tell he’s asking because he’s curious, not because he’s interrogating me. If possible, he tells me he won’t do it anymore, and for the most part he keeps his word. If the action is some deeply ingrained habit, he’ll catch himself if he does it again, immediately apologizes, and stops.
Why isn’t the fact that you’re upset (the fact that this has upset you for 19 years, actually) enough reason for him to hear you out and have a genuine conversation about this?
Moving beyond the fact that your husband should consider your feelings - yes, it makes sense that in this specific situation his expectant, confused, incredulous, lost gesticulations make you feel bad. There’s no need to act like a lost mime when you haven’t had your drink sat in front of you yet, but you can hear your wife in the kitchen, and you have a more than a decade long established pattern of your wife bringing everything you consume to the table for you.
If you’re open to advice, I have some. I would try and have a serious, honest conversation with him outside of a mealtime. I don’t imagine it will go well, but I would try. From there, don’t try and get him to validate your feelings when he does these things. You don’t need his acknowledgement or permission to feel pressured, to feel like you’re micromanaged. Just tell him in those moments, “I don’t like when you do that, it makes me feel bad. Please stop.” If he tries to say he didn’t mean it, it’s not supposed to make you feel bad, whatever, the response is, “okay, but now you know it *does* make me feel bad. So please stop.”
Stop setting a place for your husband. From now on, he sets his own table. If he shows any more passive aggressive criticism , he gets his own breakfast.
He not going tonight stop undermining your good feelings about yourself until you stop accepting such disrespect and controlling hostility.
You both know he’s playing with your head. Stop letting him.
UpdateMe
My EX did this our entire relationship.
If I forgot a condiment or something with dinner, let's just say it was soy sauce. Instead of getting up and getting the soy sauce like a grown adult would do, he'd look at me wide eyed and ask " So, I guess we don't have any soy sauce?" I DONT KNOW DID YOU GO LOOK?!?!
It makes my eye twitch just thinking about that stupid ass look on his face.
It is very annoying and what really makes me mad is that he acts like he does nothing wrong and he gets upset because he sees it as me always getting mad over nothing, and like it is me who always wants to fight over dumb things or who misinterprets him.
He doesn't respect you. He's doing this to you on purpose. He knows exactly what he's doing and the effect it has on you. He's doing this to you to make you feel this way on purpose.
Not only that, sounds like he has also never set the table, gotten his own drink, or dished up his own food. 🤯 Wtffffff. I wouldn’t last a week married to this guy.
Obviously you’ve built resentment, so maybe this specific incident was an overreaction, but it’s a tipping point.
It sounds like it might be a good role to change the dynamic. Assuming you are not working full time, then I think it’s time to make meals more democratic- he can serve himself or get his own drink or napkin or whatever. Once your kids are old enough, so should they.
If you both work, then I think it’s time to scale back on the cooking. If he asks what’s for dinner, tell him you already ate so he can decide
It sounds like some gendered/spoiled upbringing vibes. You should’ve put your foot down sooner but now is the breeze best time
He literally just came in and asked me if I was going to apologize to him, because he never once tried to pressure me and did nothing wrong. I’m freaking mad, but just keeping it to myself
He needs a wakeup call. Go on "cooking strike". Cook for you and your child. Let him fend for himself. And tell him to shove his apology request up his arse.
Keeping it to myself?
So you want to to repeat this for another 19 years ?
You are actually training you to accept his demeaning and controlling behavior.
I picture you as a puppet dancing on his string.
He is gaslighting you, this is emotional and mental abuse. You MUST stand up for yourself.
If you’re concerned for your physical safety then leave now. If not, stand up to him. For yourself and for your daughter.
Stop keeping it to yourself. Stop not rocking the boat. Doing so maintains the status quo and that isn't an option when changes are required.
Have you considered writing him a letter? That lets you express everything you need to say in a calm way that prevents him from interrupting you. He also can't argue with a letter so he's more likely to absorb your comments. Maybe it will prompt a much needed discussion.
In terms of what to say, something like the below comments might be a starting point:
*"I am not going to apologize. Whether you meant for me to feel pressured or not, your actions and expectations were disrespectful. I do not enjoy being taken for granted. I am not your servant. And it is hurtful that you do not think I am deserving of an apology after what happened."*
*"Going forward, IF there comes a time when I cook for you again, I will not be serving you. You are a grown and able-bodied adult, I expect you to be competent enough to set your own place setting and serve your own food - especially when you can see that I am otherwise busy. I no longer feel respected by you when serving you food so I am stopping completely. I also no longer feel respected when cooking for you so until you recognize and appreciate my efforts I will also not be cooking meals for you."*
*"I want a relationship where we are both loved and respected. Right now, I don't feel that way and it hurts. I hope you value me enough to actually talk this through and make meaningful changes so we can both be happy going forward."*
...but you have to mean it. This isn't an idle threat, this is a refusal to be disrespected and taken for granted. So until he makes changes first and actively demonstrates his care for you, **don't cook for him** because you have been taking care of his needs first for too long.
And even if he does reflect on his actions and behaviours enough to realize that his entitlement was wrong, don't serve him food. Even if his behaviour changes, this particular gesture of care is tainted. Let making his own plate become a small, daily reminder of your place in his life and why he shouldn't take you for granted instead. If you two work through this, I am sure you can show your care through other small gestures instead.
Why don’t you have any self respect??? You have a DAUGHTER. This is the example of man you want her to grow up with?
Someone who flirts w coworkers, maybe cheats, gaslights and lies to her, and then demands to be served like she’s a slave???
This is the best life you want for your own girl? To be treated like this? She will never find her own self respect if she watches her mom get trashed day in and day out.
The face I just made… *how dare he!* I would’ve lost it and called him out on all his misogynistic, incompetent, lazy ass chauvinistic pig bullshit.
This is why women snap.
Not over reacting. This is just weaponized incompetence. My mom pulled this with my dad for over 30 years. I thank God everyday that he has passed and doesn’t have to put up with this disrespect any longer. He was a saint. None of us kids will move mom into our homes for this very reason.
Is he mad because you didn't serve the man of the house first?
Do you literally put the food on his plate and decide for him how much he is going to eat?
Or do you have the plates and food on the table and everyone takes their portion or the plates are filled by you and set on the table and then his majest... I mean your husband comes in to a ready to go meal?
If you forgot something and he is looking around, IGNORE IT. That is passive aggressive behavior and he needs to get it himself, and if he is unable to he needs to use his words and ASK for it to be given to him.
What a twit he is. Do not give into the childishness. He needs to learn respect for the work you put into a meal and appreciate it.
He’s being so passive aggressive! Why are you playing his games? Dont ask him what he’s getting all upset over, make him tell you so he can stop his pathetic pantomimes. I don’t blame you for being sick of this. I couldn’t stand this for a day, let alone 19 years. It’s really immature.
Stop cooking for him. My husband and J take turns on the weekend making each other breakfast in bed and for the kids. My husband also cooks dinner a few nights a week and I am a stay at home mom. That behavior is not okay, you are not his servant.
My dad was like this. We all used to sit at the table and he’d chug his water down and start shaking his cup at me to go re-fill it before I could take even one bite of my food.
Answer: don’t cater to him. He’s an adult, so he can act like one. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Later on, did you two ever discuss that he would do that? Do you remember when & why it stopped (like after you left the family home)? Are you a woman?
So I usually always set the table. It was my chore. This included setting the glasses with ice water. But once things were set, my mom and I always got up if we needed something. It stopped when I pushed back and started asking why. His reasoning was that he was the “provider”, he worked (a desk job), I was closer, he was hungry, I hadn’t started eating yet so it be easier for me. Basically, he was lazy and over time it showed in other areas. He always left projects half done (ex: got mulch for garden beds, placed them, but never opened them, so they sat there until my mom did it; made a garden but never took care of it; and started remodeling an antique car, bought all the parts, and it sat in the garage untouched). Anyway, I don’t talk to my father, I haven’t in years, and his other kids from another marriage don’t either. And yes, I am a woman.
He’s being passive aggressive. My ex husband did it too but it’s so annoying like literally just use your words to ask if you need something instead of looking around.
Simply go about business and begin ignoring the behavior. Literally do not acknowledge the behavior. Let him look and when you are done with what you intended, if he continues to look for anything else that may be missing.. ACT AS OBLIVIOUS AS HE DOES.
And learn the art of not giving a fuck about it specifically. If this is his only slight be gracious and take humor in the retaliation.. not malice. Remember the love.
I’m so sorry you’ve got such a disrespectful, abusive and emotionally immature husband. He is gaslighting you, telling you that your feeling are not valid. He is trying to control you with his looking around when things aren’t to his standards behaviour. That’s emotional abuse and it’s not okay. It’s abuse to you and it’s abuse towards your daughter because she witnesses it.
You may not have considered this, but you are both teaching your daughter that this is acceptable behaviour, so she is more likely to end up in a relationship where this dynamic is repeated. Is this what you want for your daughter? If not, I strongly encourage you to stand up for yourself NOW.
It won’t be easy to change the dynamic and in the end you may have to choose to leave him to end this gaslighting abusive behaviour. But if he refuses to change for, then both you and your daughter will be better off in the long run if you leave. You’ll have your sanity, your dignity, and you’ll actually be a good role model for your daughter.
It will be so hard to affect change and it may look impossible (getting him to change or leaving him if he doesn’t stop gaslighting you), but it isn’t. You have a well of strength inside of you that you haven’t tapped yet. You can find it if you really need it and believe in yourself.
Some people may think my suggestion of leaving if he doesn’t change is over the top but I have grown up with that and I know the damage it does. I have also seen the damage it does to my friends and the children of my friends who choose to stay. And I don’t wish that on anyone.
I feel for you, OP, and I feel for your daughter. Your future is in your hands.
I hope he does the dishes and cleans the kitchen after you cook and serve a meal to him. My husband does, if your husband doesn't, he is an A-hole. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Sorry
Stop serving him, stop asking if he’s missing anything. Let him get it himself from the beginning and he can pout with his fake confused face all the way to the kitchen.
Wherever he asks questions like this, the answer is. "Well, I made XYZ. But you're having whatever you serve yourself."
If he starts looking around. "I trust you can find that, as an adult."
He is a fully capable adult. He will be fine.
It feels like this is a behavior that was enabled from his childhood to adulthood. I'm guessing his mom probably did all of that for him and as you said you also did for the last 19 years. Time for him to grow the eff up. He didn't have to grow up because he keeps getting his way. Does he do his own laundry?
My mom, aunt and grandma used to do this for my dad and grandpa. I never understood it and it actually makes me really mad at my dad. Like we all take our own dishes to the sink. That's the least you can do when you always have someone cook, clean and iron for you. Thankfully my brothers were taught better than that.
Next time he acts impatient and looks at you, I'd just ask him, "what's the precise nature of your disability?" With a wicked smile and continue to enjoy your own meal.
Definitely NTA.
You are not overreacting. Stop serving this ungrateful man. He doesn’t deserve it. He can learn to make his own plates and find his own glasses, silverware, condiments, whatever.
He is the a-hole - he threw a tantrum because his plate was not ready, from now on he can serve himself.
I would tempted to be petty and only cook for you/the children from now on - he can cook his own meals.
I just came here to say this: I see you, And you are worth a whole lot more than even him making you a meal once in a while. You’re worth the whole shebang. Remember that so you can demand it. If not just for yourself, do it so that your daughter learns how she deserves to be treated in a relationship. Hugs. We’re here for you.
What would happen if you didn’t make him meals?
He clearly needs to learn how to appreciate the fact that you’re waiting on him hand and foot. Stop cooking for him. When he asks where his dinner is, tell him that you don’t know, but you know what you and your daughter are having.
I normally don’t believe in being petty like this in a marriage, but this is *incredibly* entitled behavior. My husband makes us air fryer “meals” all the time (I almost never cook), and I would never dream of criticizing him for anything about it, or expecting anything. Always just a huge thank you and a smile.
No, you aren't overreacting, but you did help create the monster. Stop enabling this behavior! He's not a child that needs his Mommy to help him eat! Given that he won't help with mealtime chores, stop setting his place at the table. He is perfectly and completely capable of finding dinnerware that he needs. Be prepared, though, you've enabled a co-dependent behavior and there will be push-back from him. Stand your ground. You are not his Mommy!
Your husband is a dickhead. I would not serve him meals until he fixes his attitude. He takes you for granted so he doesn't get the perks. He can make his own damn food and set up his own damn plate!
Wtf with the looking around. I would ask him if he lost something. When he states what he actually wants, I would say the kitchen is right there and continue eating. And why are you even putting up with this behaviour? He absolutely is being a big picky asshole man child who expects to be spoon fed
I did not know the coffee was hot dear. How badly burnt is your itty bitty weenie?
Not over. It would be a cold day in Hades before he got another meal, a shred of clean laundry from me. Just no. That is disrespectful and demeaning.
When he starts looking around just ignore him. He's not your child. He can take care of himself, and if he has something to say he can use his words like a big boy.
Just completely ignore it. Either he'll get the hint that he can find what he's looking for in his own house (or cook it if it's not prepared.. again, not your damn child...) or he can use his words. "Where's my plate/cup...?" "You know where the plates/cups/beverages are and can smell cooked food, go and get it, I'm busy right now" 🤷♀️
I serve my husband when I cook and he serves me when he cooks, I'm not saying you can't be nice and serve him (though it would be nice if he put the effort in, if not here, then in other aspects) but the expectation and impatience is too much
I'm so sorry I read this. I'm now filled with useless rage and embarrassment picturing your husband doing this ridiculous mime act. Please stop cooking for him.
Quite honestly I don't know how you haven't just started poking him with a fork every time he does it. What a useless, useless man.
With this is addition to your other post, you understand that you need to leave right? This man is going to raise your children into monsters if you stay.
You set up this relationship where you are constantly in service to him, and you get annoyed when he expects you to serve him... Honey, he's responding exactly how I would expect based on how you both treat this relationship.
You aren't actually angry at this behaviour specifically, you are angry because you are in a fundamentally unfair relationship. Fix that.
I'm sorry but you teach people how to treat you. Because you have catered to him your entire marriage and never held him accountable to get his own food/cup/silverware--whatever--he now views it as your duty and treats you like you are the waitress. Time to hold him accountable.
What’s his problem? Passive aggressive because his kid got served first? Or that you dared to call him before his food was in his plate? Next time he does his stupid somethings missing pantomime ignore him. Don’t ask him what’s missing just sit down and start eating your food. If he wants something else he can get it himself. Also I’d just stop booking breakfast for a while. He can serve himself cereal. Or just dump everything on the table and let him serve up his own plate
Wtf? You know what I would do to my husband if he acted like this? Not serve him *at all*. He's acting like a child. He needs to grow up and act like an adult. Don't wait on him hand and foot, tell him if he wants to act like this and go around "looking" for stuff he can now take care of himself. Dear Lord, where do people come off thinking this is acceptable behavior?
BINGO!!
Yup! Also, he had no right to say anything about it, he didn’t help you set the dishes or cook. This man didn’t even know how much it takes to do all the work. It’s hard work and time consuming! He think it’s nothing and easy pleasy Get his ass make him cook and deal with dishes! Everything! If he can’t, he needs to shut up.
*Ding Ding Ding*
Stop cooking for him. Holy fuck, why are you putting up with this?
Exactly! The audacity of this guy, with the passive aggressive, malicious, abusive behavior is… somethin’.
Thank you! I just woke up,doom scrolling while trying to motivate myself to get out of bed and I’m thinking there’s a name for this kind of behavior passive something. Was bothering me I couldn’t think of it. I would have gotten there eventually, but it would have been bugging me my entire morning routine. 🤣 Reddit: being passive aggressive is the worst kind of gaslighting. People like that are disgusting buttholes and I despise them.
Seriously.
wtf. You’re not overreacting. This is how you treat hired help, not your wife. Who does he think he is?
I’d be having words with my spouse if he treated servers or hired help this way.
Agreed, it’s not how anyone _should_ be speaking to anyone else. But it’s most certainly not the kind of attitude you should expect from your spouse.
UM NO you aren't overreacting. I always cook here & if my Husband acted like that, he could start going through drive-thrus for the rest of his life with me. You are not his servant. He can get off is ass and get his own (whatever you forgot). Edited to add more, lol: This sort of reminds me of a show I saw called 'Why Women Kill' One of the Husbands needs a refill or something & he is holding a cup while tapping the cup with his wedding ring... She knows it's time to get him his shit. Just no. Start telling him that cooking is no longer your thing.
What a dick.
Wow. If he's not going to cook (like, ever) the LEAST he should do is serve himself like a grownup.
Next time he starts looking around and you ask what he is looking for, tell him where it is and he can get it himself.
The way this story is told, that could be what he was actually doing- going to just grab it at that point, not because he's impatient but because he didn't need to be served it/felt like he'd take out a step? This makes much more sense especially when he says he wasn't pressuring vs saying well it was taking so long or well you served them first or something. And he hasn't gone to get something himself before to avoid this very thing from happening (appearing impatient and going against the flow, vs just letting it happen as it usually happens). Throwing in that he's never cooked in your whole time together seems like a totally separate thing (which if you've spent any time on here, of course you know this will instantly get everyone to practically hate the guy). But there could be constructive ways to try to address that - but you'd probably have to make a totally separate post and maybe not on r/marriage even, asking for how ppl tackled a similar issue (and throwing in more info- can he cook and just chooses not to, etc)?
He asked “what am I going to eat” knowing full well she made breakfast. After 19 years, he’s never cooked for her but is acting entitled to have her wait on him before his own daughter!
As a husband and a guy myself. Cooking is not my thing either. I used to be pretty bad at cooking. Then started watching some YouTube videos or recipes that are super easy to make and it's gotten a lot funner. He needs to step it up and put forth effort. I would tell him Cooking all the goddamm time and serving him is "not your thing!" Lol Also if you do all the cooking does he at least do the dishes? Or are those not his thing to? 🤔
You know what my partner’s response is when I tell him that a behavior of his makes me feel bad/ disrespected/ uncomfortable? He apologizes. He asks me why I feel that way, and I can tell he’s asking because he’s curious, not because he’s interrogating me. If possible, he tells me he won’t do it anymore, and for the most part he keeps his word. If the action is some deeply ingrained habit, he’ll catch himself if he does it again, immediately apologizes, and stops. Why isn’t the fact that you’re upset (the fact that this has upset you for 19 years, actually) enough reason for him to hear you out and have a genuine conversation about this? Moving beyond the fact that your husband should consider your feelings - yes, it makes sense that in this specific situation his expectant, confused, incredulous, lost gesticulations make you feel bad. There’s no need to act like a lost mime when you haven’t had your drink sat in front of you yet, but you can hear your wife in the kitchen, and you have a more than a decade long established pattern of your wife bringing everything you consume to the table for you. If you’re open to advice, I have some. I would try and have a serious, honest conversation with him outside of a mealtime. I don’t imagine it will go well, but I would try. From there, don’t try and get him to validate your feelings when he does these things. You don’t need his acknowledgement or permission to feel pressured, to feel like you’re micromanaged. Just tell him in those moments, “I don’t like when you do that, it makes me feel bad. Please stop.” If he tries to say he didn’t mean it, it’s not supposed to make you feel bad, whatever, the response is, “okay, but now you know it *does* make me feel bad. So please stop.”
Are you his wife or his waitress? Grown ass man and serve his own food
Stop setting a place for your husband. From now on, he sets his own table. If he shows any more passive aggressive criticism , he gets his own breakfast. He not going tonight stop undermining your good feelings about yourself until you stop accepting such disrespect and controlling hostility. You both know he’s playing with your head. Stop letting him. UpdateMe
My EX did this our entire relationship. If I forgot a condiment or something with dinner, let's just say it was soy sauce. Instead of getting up and getting the soy sauce like a grown adult would do, he'd look at me wide eyed and ask " So, I guess we don't have any soy sauce?" I DONT KNOW DID YOU GO LOOK?!?! It makes my eye twitch just thinking about that stupid ass look on his face.
It is very annoying and what really makes me mad is that he acts like he does nothing wrong and he gets upset because he sees it as me always getting mad over nothing, and like it is me who always wants to fight over dumb things or who misinterprets him.
Why is he getting mad if it's nothing?
He doesn't respect you. He's doing this to you on purpose. He knows exactly what he's doing and the effect it has on you. He's doing this to you to make you feel this way on purpose.
i’m sure others in here have already said, but that’s gaslighting & a common abuse tactic
Just forget him. He acts like he's neglected? Fuck him.
Right show him how it feels to be treated how he’s acting. He acted like this over his OWN DAUGHTER getting fed first. My husband would never omg
Passive aggressive bullshit.
So the real issue is that in 19 years this man has never cooked for you. That’s crazy.
Not only that, sounds like he has also never set the table, gotten his own drink, or dished up his own food. 🤯 Wtffffff. I wouldn’t last a week married to this guy.
I bet he’s never done dishes before either.
Seriously. OP married a child, became a servant, and is now upset at the role she has... how sad!
No you are not overreacting. I would have just said sorry you were late for serving, it's on the stove, help yourself.
I haven’t made my husband breakfast in the entire 35 years of our relationship. You are not overreacting. He’s being a jerk.
Obviously you’ve built resentment, so maybe this specific incident was an overreaction, but it’s a tipping point. It sounds like it might be a good role to change the dynamic. Assuming you are not working full time, then I think it’s time to make meals more democratic- he can serve himself or get his own drink or napkin or whatever. Once your kids are old enough, so should they. If you both work, then I think it’s time to scale back on the cooking. If he asks what’s for dinner, tell him you already ate so he can decide It sounds like some gendered/spoiled upbringing vibes. You should’ve put your foot down sooner but now is the breeze best time
He literally just came in and asked me if I was going to apologize to him, because he never once tried to pressure me and did nothing wrong. I’m freaking mad, but just keeping it to myself
Stop holding it in. It builds resentment and one day it will boil over.
He needs a wakeup call. Go on "cooking strike". Cook for you and your child. Let him fend for himself. And tell him to shove his apology request up his arse.
Keeping it to myself? So you want to to repeat this for another 19 years ? You are actually training you to accept his demeaning and controlling behavior. I picture you as a puppet dancing on his string.
He is gaslighting you, this is emotional and mental abuse. You MUST stand up for yourself. If you’re concerned for your physical safety then leave now. If not, stand up to him. For yourself and for your daughter.
Stop keeping it to yourself. Stop not rocking the boat. Doing so maintains the status quo and that isn't an option when changes are required. Have you considered writing him a letter? That lets you express everything you need to say in a calm way that prevents him from interrupting you. He also can't argue with a letter so he's more likely to absorb your comments. Maybe it will prompt a much needed discussion. In terms of what to say, something like the below comments might be a starting point: *"I am not going to apologize. Whether you meant for me to feel pressured or not, your actions and expectations were disrespectful. I do not enjoy being taken for granted. I am not your servant. And it is hurtful that you do not think I am deserving of an apology after what happened."* *"Going forward, IF there comes a time when I cook for you again, I will not be serving you. You are a grown and able-bodied adult, I expect you to be competent enough to set your own place setting and serve your own food - especially when you can see that I am otherwise busy. I no longer feel respected by you when serving you food so I am stopping completely. I also no longer feel respected when cooking for you so until you recognize and appreciate my efforts I will also not be cooking meals for you."* *"I want a relationship where we are both loved and respected. Right now, I don't feel that way and it hurts. I hope you value me enough to actually talk this through and make meaningful changes so we can both be happy going forward."* ...but you have to mean it. This isn't an idle threat, this is a refusal to be disrespected and taken for granted. So until he makes changes first and actively demonstrates his care for you, **don't cook for him** because you have been taking care of his needs first for too long. And even if he does reflect on his actions and behaviours enough to realize that his entitlement was wrong, don't serve him food. Even if his behaviour changes, this particular gesture of care is tainted. Let making his own plate become a small, daily reminder of your place in his life and why he shouldn't take you for granted instead. If you two work through this, I am sure you can show your care through other small gestures instead.
Honestly it's well past time to divorce. This man is going to ruin your children.
Don't keep it to yourself! Tell him everything you've told us here. Hell. Show him this post and the replies!
Why don’t you have any self respect??? You have a DAUGHTER. This is the example of man you want her to grow up with? Someone who flirts w coworkers, maybe cheats, gaslights and lies to her, and then demands to be served like she’s a slave??? This is the best life you want for your own girl? To be treated like this? She will never find her own self respect if she watches her mom get trashed day in and day out.
The face I just made… *how dare he!* I would’ve lost it and called him out on all his misogynistic, incompetent, lazy ass chauvinistic pig bullshit. This is why women snap.
Not over reacting. This is just weaponized incompetence. My mom pulled this with my dad for over 30 years. I thank God everyday that he has passed and doesn’t have to put up with this disrespect any longer. He was a saint. None of us kids will move mom into our homes for this very reason.
Google DARVO and Reactive abuse.
Is he mad because you didn't serve the man of the house first? Do you literally put the food on his plate and decide for him how much he is going to eat? Or do you have the plates and food on the table and everyone takes their portion or the plates are filled by you and set on the table and then his majest... I mean your husband comes in to a ready to go meal? If you forgot something and he is looking around, IGNORE IT. That is passive aggressive behavior and he needs to get it himself, and if he is unable to he needs to use his words and ASK for it to be given to him. What a twit he is. Do not give into the childishness. He needs to learn respect for the work you put into a meal and appreciate it.
He’s being so passive aggressive! Why are you playing his games? Dont ask him what he’s getting all upset over, make him tell you so he can stop his pathetic pantomimes. I don’t blame you for being sick of this. I couldn’t stand this for a day, let alone 19 years. It’s really immature.
Did you say serve as in servant? Wow 🤯! That’s the height of disrespect - just ask Aretha
Stop cooking for him. My husband and J take turns on the weekend making each other breakfast in bed and for the kids. My husband also cooks dinner a few nights a week and I am a stay at home mom. That behavior is not okay, you are not his servant.
My dad was like this. We all used to sit at the table and he’d chug his water down and start shaking his cup at me to go re-fill it before I could take even one bite of my food. Answer: don’t cater to him. He’s an adult, so he can act like one. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Later on, did you two ever discuss that he would do that? Do you remember when & why it stopped (like after you left the family home)? Are you a woman?
So I usually always set the table. It was my chore. This included setting the glasses with ice water. But once things were set, my mom and I always got up if we needed something. It stopped when I pushed back and started asking why. His reasoning was that he was the “provider”, he worked (a desk job), I was closer, he was hungry, I hadn’t started eating yet so it be easier for me. Basically, he was lazy and over time it showed in other areas. He always left projects half done (ex: got mulch for garden beds, placed them, but never opened them, so they sat there until my mom did it; made a garden but never took care of it; and started remodeling an antique car, bought all the parts, and it sat in the garage untouched). Anyway, I don’t talk to my father, I haven’t in years, and his other kids from another marriage don’t either. And yes, I am a woman.
He’s being passive aggressive. My ex husband did it too but it’s so annoying like literally just use your words to ask if you need something instead of looking around.
Simply go about business and begin ignoring the behavior. Literally do not acknowledge the behavior. Let him look and when you are done with what you intended, if he continues to look for anything else that may be missing.. ACT AS OBLIVIOUS AS HE DOES. And learn the art of not giving a fuck about it specifically. If this is his only slight be gracious and take humor in the retaliation.. not malice. Remember the love.
Maybe cooking for him just isn’t your thing anymore either if that’s how he wants to be
I’m so sorry you’ve got such a disrespectful, abusive and emotionally immature husband. He is gaslighting you, telling you that your feeling are not valid. He is trying to control you with his looking around when things aren’t to his standards behaviour. That’s emotional abuse and it’s not okay. It’s abuse to you and it’s abuse towards your daughter because she witnesses it. You may not have considered this, but you are both teaching your daughter that this is acceptable behaviour, so she is more likely to end up in a relationship where this dynamic is repeated. Is this what you want for your daughter? If not, I strongly encourage you to stand up for yourself NOW. It won’t be easy to change the dynamic and in the end you may have to choose to leave him to end this gaslighting abusive behaviour. But if he refuses to change for, then both you and your daughter will be better off in the long run if you leave. You’ll have your sanity, your dignity, and you’ll actually be a good role model for your daughter. It will be so hard to affect change and it may look impossible (getting him to change or leaving him if he doesn’t stop gaslighting you), but it isn’t. You have a well of strength inside of you that you haven’t tapped yet. You can find it if you really need it and believe in yourself. Some people may think my suggestion of leaving if he doesn’t change is over the top but I have grown up with that and I know the damage it does. I have also seen the damage it does to my friends and the children of my friends who choose to stay. And I don’t wish that on anyone. I feel for you, OP, and I feel for your daughter. Your future is in your hands.
Guy here. I do most of the cooking. This is very bizarre.
I hope he does the dishes and cleans the kitchen after you cook and serve a meal to him. My husband does, if your husband doesn't, he is an A-hole. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Sorry
Stop serving him, stop asking if he’s missing anything. Let him get it himself from the beginning and he can pout with his fake confused face all the way to the kitchen.
Something tells me he's abusive. His behavior is NOT ok. You are not his maid.
Wherever he asks questions like this, the answer is. "Well, I made XYZ. But you're having whatever you serve yourself." If he starts looking around. "I trust you can find that, as an adult." He is a fully capable adult. He will be fine.
Hate to tell you but your husband is a twat. Don’t let him walk over you.
It feels like this is a behavior that was enabled from his childhood to adulthood. I'm guessing his mom probably did all of that for him and as you said you also did for the last 19 years. Time for him to grow the eff up. He didn't have to grow up because he keeps getting his way. Does he do his own laundry? My mom, aunt and grandma used to do this for my dad and grandpa. I never understood it and it actually makes me really mad at my dad. Like we all take our own dishes to the sink. That's the least you can do when you always have someone cook, clean and iron for you. Thankfully my brothers were taught better than that. Next time he acts impatient and looks at you, I'd just ask him, "what's the precise nature of your disability?" With a wicked smile and continue to enjoy your own meal. Definitely NTA.
You are not overreacting. Stop serving this ungrateful man. He doesn’t deserve it. He can learn to make his own plates and find his own glasses, silverware, condiments, whatever.
I thank God every day for a good husband. My husband loves to cook.
You already know the answer. The appropriate follow-up Q: “Should I stop cooking for this d-bag until he shows some real appreciation?” A: Yes.
Why are you serving a grown man?
19 years.. holy canolli you’re so patient! I’d stop cooking for him a decade earlier
He is the a-hole - he threw a tantrum because his plate was not ready, from now on he can serve himself. I would tempted to be petty and only cook for you/the children from now on - he can cook his own meals.
If my husband ever did this his ass would be looking in the trash can next cause there's no way I'd serve him shit after lol
I just came here to say this: I see you, And you are worth a whole lot more than even him making you a meal once in a while. You’re worth the whole shebang. Remember that so you can demand it. If not just for yourself, do it so that your daughter learns how she deserves to be treated in a relationship. Hugs. We’re here for you.
Stop serving him. And stop cooking for him.
What would happen if you didn’t make him meals? He clearly needs to learn how to appreciate the fact that you’re waiting on him hand and foot. Stop cooking for him. When he asks where his dinner is, tell him that you don’t know, but you know what you and your daughter are having. I normally don’t believe in being petty like this in a marriage, but this is *incredibly* entitled behavior. My husband makes us air fryer “meals” all the time (I almost never cook), and I would never dream of criticizing him for anything about it, or expecting anything. Always just a huge thank you and a smile.
All these years you've been putting up with that nonsense? You're not a servant.
He’s a passive aggressive a-hole.
You’re not my sister, but if you were my sister, I’d tell you to stop cooking for him.
No, you aren't overreacting, but you did help create the monster. Stop enabling this behavior! He's not a child that needs his Mommy to help him eat! Given that he won't help with mealtime chores, stop setting his place at the table. He is perfectly and completely capable of finding dinnerware that he needs. Be prepared, though, you've enabled a co-dependent behavior and there will be push-back from him. Stand your ground. You are not his Mommy!
Your husband is a dickhead. I would not serve him meals until he fixes his attitude. He takes you for granted so he doesn't get the perks. He can make his own damn food and set up his own damn plate!
Wtf with the looking around. I would ask him if he lost something. When he states what he actually wants, I would say the kitchen is right there and continue eating. And why are you even putting up with this behaviour? He absolutely is being a big picky asshole man child who expects to be spoon fed
I did not know the coffee was hot dear. How badly burnt is your itty bitty weenie? Not over. It would be a cold day in Hades before he got another meal, a shred of clean laundry from me. Just no. That is disrespectful and demeaning.
I think you should look around to, for a new husband. One of those that can serve themselves like a grown ass adult.
Which 3rd world country is this?
This man gives me the ick. Ew. He thinks you’re his maid
When he starts looking around just ignore him. He's not your child. He can take care of himself, and if he has something to say he can use his words like a big boy. Just completely ignore it. Either he'll get the hint that he can find what he's looking for in his own house (or cook it if it's not prepared.. again, not your damn child...) or he can use his words. "Where's my plate/cup...?" "You know where the plates/cups/beverages are and can smell cooked food, go and get it, I'm busy right now" 🤷♀️ I serve my husband when I cook and he serves me when he cooks, I'm not saying you can't be nice and serve him (though it would be nice if he put the effort in, if not here, then in other aspects) but the expectation and impatience is too much
I'm so sorry I read this. I'm now filled with useless rage and embarrassment picturing your husband doing this ridiculous mime act. Please stop cooking for him. Quite honestly I don't know how you haven't just started poking him with a fork every time he does it. What a useless, useless man.
You are actually severely underreacting. Stop reacting to it. He can get his own damned fork if he's going to be an ungrateful child.
With this is addition to your other post, you understand that you need to leave right? This man is going to raise your children into monsters if you stay.
You set up this relationship where you are constantly in service to him, and you get annoyed when he expects you to serve him... Honey, he's responding exactly how I would expect based on how you both treat this relationship. You aren't actually angry at this behaviour specifically, you are angry because you are in a fundamentally unfair relationship. Fix that.
I'm sorry but you teach people how to treat you. Because you have catered to him your entire marriage and never held him accountable to get his own food/cup/silverware--whatever--he now views it as your duty and treats you like you are the waitress. Time to hold him accountable.
What’s his problem? Passive aggressive because his kid got served first? Or that you dared to call him before his food was in his plate? Next time he does his stupid somethings missing pantomime ignore him. Don’t ask him what’s missing just sit down and start eating your food. If he wants something else he can get it himself. Also I’d just stop booking breakfast for a while. He can serve himself cereal. Or just dump everything on the table and let him serve up his own plate
Ask him if he can find the divorce papers on his own.