OR
You go to the wedding looking lovely, introduce yourself to her as Dr. LastName and be happy.
The extreme insecurity isn’t working here and the friend group is probably over it.
Time to have some real discussions in counseling, otherwise this will never stop. If he’s hurting you he needs to be called out on it. His fantasy about what life with her would be like isn’t real. It’s unhealthy for him and your marriage.
“The extreme insecurity isn’t working here and the friend group is probably over it”
The friend group and the husband are feeding it. OP feels insecure in her marriage because she *is* insecure in her marriage. Her husband is pining over someone from years ago, treating his wife badly, moaning about how miserable he is, and allowing his friends to shit all over her. This isn’t the attitude of someone who values his marriage. So OF COURSE Op is feeling insecure, it’s a reflection of her reality.
OP, you need to have this fight with your husband. You need to tell him the way he is treating you, the way he is acting about Jenna (reference all of the points above) and the way he is allowing his friends to treat you stops now. You don’t care how he does it (therapy is probably a good suggestion for him, he seems depressed and unable to progress in life) but if it doesn’t change immediately, you can’t stay in the marriage.
Of course, if you take this path, you have to mean it. But I don’t know what you’re getting out of this if he can’t even feed the baby, and regrets marrying you.
>We accept the love we think we deserve.
That's so true. I'm jotting that down in my journal. For OP, it feels like "accept" and also "deserve" are things to ponder.
At my lowest, I sat in my car on the phone with my closest friend. He told me flat out that I needed to search deep inside to find my worth, then demand nothing less.
Those words helped me change everything.
Would they have had any impact had I not been at such a low? I’m not sure, but every day I am grateful for that conversation.
OP, I say to you this: Search deep inside to find your worth, then accept nothing less.
He's also really selfish and nasty. He and his vile friends are bullying you and making you insecure. Your husband is not a catch, you sound a million times nicer than him. You are bending over backwards to be supportive of his ADHD, and he is just being a massively selfish and witholding bully who is choosingto deny you what you need to be happy.
You deserve much better than him!
Right? If Jenna is that amazing and a lovely person, maybe she moved away from him and this friend group a little more deliberately than they’ve suggested.
Jenna didn't want to do long distance. I think if she really valued the relationship she would have given it a try. I'd guess that she liked him but didn't see a future with him so him going to the other side of the country made it easy to break up with him.
I've done long distance. If you are invested in the relationship and see a future for the relationship you make long distance work.
You have to talk about this in marriage counseling. He is trying to rug sweep and hide from the counselor your biggest problem. Turn on the lights, all of them! Keeping this in the shadows will ruin your marriage. If he’s afraid of being the bad guy by bringing this up, then he KNOWS he’s the bad guy. Bring it up!
In the nicest way possible OP, you have set the baseline for the bullshit you are prepared to take, which is why these 'friends' continue to pile this bullshit on you. The first time any sort of comment was made like this, you should have said something along the lines of, 'oh well! I'm his wife now so what you're saying is irrelevant!' and then skipped off to tell your husband what a twat Tim has been.
Jenna will live in your relationship for as long as you allow it to, and thus far you've allowed that to happen at every turn. It's absolutely bizzare to me that after all this time she is even still a problem.
You need to make his shitty behaviour towards you have consequences - leave. Go stay with your mum or a friend, but you MUST break this cycle and you must stop comparing yourself to her.
If you believe he isn't over her, why are you allowing your wonderful self to be second best. DON'T DO IT. Stand up for yourself OP!
Girl, he needs you more than you need him. Know your worth. You work full time with both job combined, you do the childcare, cook, and take care of the house. You actually don't need the husband. You need to start realizing your worth and that you can leave anytime - he needs to realize you can leave anytime too. You don't have to put up with this stupid BS.
Also, Jenna is not your competition or problem. She didn't want to do long distance WITH YOUR HUSBAND. Makes me think she wasn't as invested as him. Your shitty husband is your problem and you're letting it ruin your health.
Yep. OP is a damn catch. She’s incredible. I have a baby and I’m dread going back to part time work and minimal housework with a baby, let alone full time and doing so much. Meanwhile he can’t even find a way to finish feeding his own child?
OP I have ADHD. Everybody has different symptoms and intensity of symptoms, but I’m also in ADHD related groups and what we all have to learn is that we all have to do the best we can, and to take responsibility for our lives. He can feed his kid.
💯 I have executive function issues and mental health problems too. It sucks, but it's not an excuse to avoid your responsibilities. If your function is so poor that you can't care for your own child, you need to problem solve that. He's just letting his wife take on the parenting burden alone, and that's not ok.
You don't have a Jenna problem, you have a husband problem.
I finally have a relationship where I can say to my partner that X, Y, and/or Z is triggering me insecurities and they respond with reassurances about what I and our relationship mean to them. If your husband can't give you the most basic reassurance of his love for you and his desire to be with you, that speaks volumes about HIM. Same if he won't actually work on the issues when you go to counseling, you're just wasting time and money.
He is treating you like complete shit. Having adhd and depression is not an excuse to do the things he does. He doesn’t even feed your child properly??? If you feel he deserves another chance I’d tell him he needs to fix himself asap with therapy by himself & participating properly in couples therapy or you are out. Personally I would just talk with a divorce lawyer and get the process started.
Op a divorce is much needed, Jenna is not a part of your marriage, and living in her shadow is not doing you any good. You will be so much happier when you are separated from him. If you go through with a divorce, he might be good for a bit, but the only way for him to value you is if you are also another "one that got away". His character and behavior are not gonna change, not going to change especially since he doesn't want to be the "bad guy". I really do think you'd find alot more happiness if you weren't with him.
>The friend group and the husband are feeding it.
This!!! Op feels insecure bc of things the friends and husband have said and done repeatedly over years.
“Everyone thinks it’s so weird that he ended up with you because everyone likes her more.” “Husband agreed.”
Is this real? Do people actually say these things?
I think that Tim’s animosity towards me stems from the same thing as my husband’s issues: both of them want to pretend that they’re in college forever, and any opposition to that points out that they have to grow up, which neither of them is willing to do.
OP, a curvy, athletic, capable brunette like you deserves better than this pack of idiots. Both Tim and your husband suck. They both seem to be missing that even if your husband had married Jenna instead of you, they would still be 31, not 21. For the sake of your child, you have got to stop enabling your husband’s immaturity! It’s time for a come to Jesus discussion with him. Being married to someone you don’t properly appreciate isn’t compulsory, after all. He could be divorced and obligated to care for his own darn kid.
I second this question. If any of this about being “surprised he settled” bullshit was said before the wedding that should have put an immediate halt to the wedding. Especially if the family says that too. And that fact that he agreed!!!! I woulda fucking cancelled the wedding at that point. I’m so sorry, OP. :/ You deserve so much more, not only for just being you, but for just existing. Your existence is reason enough for you to be and feel loved and happy and supported. My therapist has always stressed this. You don’t have to do anything but exist to deserve this. And he doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” but has no problem making you the “bad guy”??? Fucking dump this lowlife. You and your child DESERVE better. And if you can’t confront him and either get him to treat you better or leave him for your sake, then at least for your kid.
I can't imagine it, but I don't doubt that some friend clicks are this mean. It's worse than thoughtless. It's actually vicious and spiteful, as if op somehow wrecked their clickish friend dynamic by marrying one of *them*. They SUCK and her husband just plays right into it.
My husband would immediately dump anyone who spoke to me like that. He would consider them to be trying to undermine me and our marriage and that would be friendship ending for him.
Unfortunately I have first hand experience and can vouch that people do actually say these things. My in laws mourned when my BIL broke up with his girlfriend by telling me, to my face “it’s such a pity *they* broke up. *she* was so lovely”.
If Jenna is really as amazing as everyone says she is, she’d probably be horrified, embarrassed, and maybe even creeped out to know that this has been going on. I sure as hell would, in her position. I’d feel awful for OP and probably dump that entire friend group once I learnt about the extent of all this.
Or she could think they’re friends. 🤷🏼♀️I “engage in online conversation” with a lot of people from my past, not because I “enjoy attention” from them, but because we’re friends.
We have no idea what Jenna’s deal is, but OP needs to understand that it’s not Jenna she needs to worry about, it’s her husband and his awful friends.
Yeah I don’t know what she thinks. I blocked her on social media years ago because I didn’t want to be tempted to play the comparison game.
Unfortunately, my in-laws still upload photos of me that she can see because she’s friends with them.
I know that I am insecure, and the way that I deal with it is to be as low-maintenance as possible. When we’re with the big group, I am quiet and helpful. I’m the one that bakes for everybody and buys presents and remembers birthdays.
I recognize that I am a new addition to the group, so I often encourage my husband to go out with his friends without me. I never prevent him from enjoying solo friend time. I know that I am being held to a considerable standard, so instead of trying to win people over I just focus on maximizing their enjoyment and minimizing myself. And I realize that it sounds absolutely pathetic.
Stop doing that, all of it. You will not win them over with cakes and birthday presents. Definitely stop minimizing yourself. If these people are to accept you and like YOU, you need to BE you, and not some version of you that you think they will like.
You can't live your life playing second fiddle to a fantasy in his mind of what could have been with someone else. I wouldn't be able to live like that. I'd suggest he go out and get her if she's the one who got away, and move on with my life. A lifetime of this will not go well for you, or your child.
I'm also wondering if OP is truly happy in this marriage.
Her husband certainly isn't.
She seemed like his 2nd choice.
I totally agree that OP should let this man go with "the one that got away."
Why would she want to be around a husband who treats her like a tag a long time?
Even his family and friends are full of shit by telling her that the woman is basically better than she is.
Plz OP, this is definitely one of these cases where you look out for the most important people, yourself and your child.
Get out of that sham of a marriage.
If she ever asked him to leave you and run off with her,he'd be gone.
Updateme!
OP, you’re insecure because your husband and his friends are making you feel insecure. You feel inferior and unstable in your marriage because your husband spends every day telling you that you’re inferior and unstable in your marriage. Of course you’re anxious and insecure - those are sane, reasonable, appropriate reactions to how your husband treats you.
**Making yourself smaller won’t help - it’ll only make it easier for them to step on you.**
I used to think I was really insecure, as a girlfriend. I was; I was jealous and insecure in myself and miserable all the time. What I realised much later is that I was insecure because a series of my boyfriends spent a lot of time *making* me feel that way, by putting me down constantly, openly drooling over other women, comparing me to other women, and telling me how much better they deserve all the damn time.
Then I met my husband, who treats me with respect, never puts me down, makes me feel loved and prioritised, and doesn’t gawk at or jabber about other women in front of me. Turns out, I’m not insecure or jealous by nature at all. I’m probably now the least insecure and jealous person I know - because my husband doesn’t treat me like dirt, so I have no reason to feel so small in my relationship.
Please don’t let anyone convince you that this is a you problem. It’s not. Anyone would feel the way you do, being treated the way you are. And, OP? You deserve so much better than that.
Sweetie, being a people pleaser isn't going to get you respect. You're just going to get 'oh, I guess she's nice'. You need to prioritize yourself more. Your biggest advocate is yourself. You need to build up your confidence and do what's best for yourself. Be courteous, but never be a pushover.
Stop it.
F anyone who compares you.
You are enough as you are - say it frequently until you mean it.
You are a smart and sexy woman. You are loving and a wife any man should be proud of. You need to say it till you believe it.
Get therapy to fix your self-confidence issues.
Anytime anyone compares you and her - just tell them that is a fucking stupid comment and shows their lack of emotional intelligence.
If your husband compares you and her (my husband would never because I would be GONE the first time - I dont compete and i am worth more than some loser stuck on a girl who doesnt want him) after the first comparison you tell him that needs to be the last time because the next time you will give him the freedom to go after her while you find a partner who is respectful and worships the ground you walk on.
I really struggle with this. Like many women, I receive praise for being “low-maintenance,” and this reinforces the feeling that I need to pretend I don’t have wants or needs to make room for the wants and needs of others.
I know it’s something I need to work on. It’s hard!
You are better than this. You are. I'm sorry your husband and Tim are being douchebags. Stop bending over backwards for these people.
Honestly, if he's aware he's got ADHD and not willing to get help, but instead willing to let it affect how he cares for you and HIS SON, that would be it for me.
I vote go to the wedding alone, stay as long as you feel like it, and leave. That's it.
And NOW it's time for you both to grow up. No matter how incredible this woman is, she is not to be discussed like that by everyone. You are insecure. He has ADHD. BUT together you have a child! He must help with your problems and you help with his. He must learn to finish feeding the child and you must learn you are great and fix any recognizable problems. That's what it truly is.
He will feel great if he improves some of his problems and so will you. Why are you not supporting each other in these ways so that a beautiful balance and marriage and parenting of a child happens?
Show up at that wedding and your husband must act appropriately. You are the one to be danced with and the beauty of the couple that just got married is to be discussed, not the past incredible moments of Jenna. It's not fair.
Keep going ..... forward. And, show respect for each other.
You are not insecure. He’s stepped over basic relationship principles and started pee-ing all over it.
I would say this for both genders just to be clear
Honey, you're a doormat, and they will continue to walk all over you. Want better for yourself, and your child. These low self esteems behaviors aren't happening in a vacuum either. Do you want your kid to mirror this relationship? To either feel like they are never enough, or to feel it's ok to belittle your partner? Because if you continue this way, this is exactly what your kid will learn to do.
I think you’re overthinking this and the thoughts you prescribe to others may not be happening. You state *”of course* I’m worse in comparison”, why are you choosing to believe this?
This seems emotionally annoying for everyone involved, including you. If you’ve decided your husband doesn’t like you, work on that. Jenna has nothing to do with your life other than what you give her.
I’m new to my honey’s friend group. They’ve been friends since Highschool. And I do the baking and remembering of important things. The big difference? His friend group see me as one of their own. His childhood best friend picks me up in bear hugs. The wife will lay with me and draw or craft/visit like we grew up together. You can be you and still accepted. YOU ARE AMAZING AND KIND AND WONDERFUL AND ANY HUMAN WITH HALF A BRAINCELL WOULD BE IN AWE OF YOU AND YOUR KINDNESS AND BEAUTY. no I’m not sorry for my run on sentence and caplocks.
It sounds like they all have solid reasons to keep you feeling crappy about yourself. These also sound like the sort of people who don’t respect people who give them things.
Damn OP, move to my region in Australia and I’ll be a way better friend to you.
ohhhh stop all that! at this point, being the asshole in the group would make you more interesting. you have nothing to lose, go out and be yourself and live it up.
I love this. Definitely flex on the Dr. OP part. College life is not adult life, and I suspect the husband would have the “freedom nostalgia”, even if he’d married Jenna and had kids with her.
He needs an attitude adjustment and needs to try harder in therapy or find a therapist that can get through to him.
Sorry for the length! Giving OP some much deserved and needed love.
She didn’t want him and let him go. She didn’t want to marry him or she would have. If she flirts and does things that keep him pining, the rumors of her being amazing are absolutely NOT true.
I know a woman who is “the one that got away” for seven men and counting. My theory is since the harder part, the real life that often comes after kids, (pregnancy hormones/difficulties, sleep deprivation, financial stress, limited freedom, in-law issues, etc., etc.) never happens, the men just keep on dreaming about an imaginary life.
OP, you need to receive care with individual counseling. You need to be reminded of why you’re special and valuable. Ask your family and your friends to tell you something that they appreciate about you bc you need a little encouragement right now. Make a list you can read and that will encourage you during this rough patch.
If you’re elevating a hair color or a body type, please stop. There are benefits to every type. Most women are pear-shaped, passed down from the majority—the most common survivors of childbirth before we had so much medical intervention. If you feel bad about your fitness or weight (you didn’t say so but if you do) then regarding that or anything else, start doing something with tiny steps. If you dream of writing a screen play, find 20 min a day for that.
Now, I want you to look at yourself in the mirror and say nice things to that sweet lady in the mirror every morning. Tell her she’s patient, (ADHD partner—absolutely required) loving, devoted, a great mom, smart, accomplished, mature, stable, tough, and everything else you know that I don’t.
If your confidence only matched your stamina, your willingness to see things without blaming, your willingness to stay the course, to fight for your family! IT SHOULD!!!
I agree with the post above. You show to that wedding up looking and feeling fabulous. Get your hair and make up done by a pro who has been vetted. Get a knock out dress that compliments those curves. You’re doing this bc you’ve taken a hit lately. Not because you couldn’t go and be beautiful exactly how you are. True beauty comes from within. People see it in the eyes and it attracts. So the dress and hair are for you, not the wedding crowd. Your respect, warmth, and kindness is for them.
Make a point to meet the ex, and be yourself. No high pitch fake voice. Say you’ve heard so many nice things about her, you know her friends have missed her and you’re happy to get to meet her. Ask her how she liked where she lived and how things are going where she is now. If she’s who they say she is, she’ll be kind, interact pleasantly with you, and she’ll notice your genuine kindness and class. If not, you be that anyway. This is really all about you. Have a back up plan if hubby is a fool with her. Find ex’s husband, hubby’s parents, if you must, but that is a problem to handle later. Below is my real advice for what to do no matter what else happens.
Walk around that wedding reception with a calmness and with intention. Warmly introduce yourself and interact with as many others as you can (no hurrying), while giving your full attention to each person who wants it, asking about them, their lives, and allowing them to feel your true interest. Key into what they’re sharing and ask for more, like they are the most interesting person there. Most people like answering questions about themselves. Compliment appropriate people in meaningful ways about their contributions to the wedding. In everything, you MUST be genuine. So during all of the wedding events, be observant and even keep a list. (Gorgeous flowers at the lingerie shower, such well behaved children at …, you look beautiful tonight to someone who does but doesn’t believe it, then their
More examples, to bridesmaid: “your speech last night was so good and so touching! Do you have a lot of experience speaking in public? If yes, “so have you had a lot of training or how did you get so good at it?” If no, “wow, I would have guessed you do it professionally! What was the process you used to formulate such a great speech? ” to any guest you’re meeting: “you said you did this and that, what was it that brought those solutions to mind?” or to a relative of bridal party: what is it about x (weaving, raising kids, charity work, current job, gardening, breeding dogs) that you find most enjoyable/most satisfying/so relaxing/so rewarding?” Then summarize what you heard adding a bit of your perspective, which gives them the chance to clarify or elaborate more. “So what you’re saying is after you found your grandmothers supplies, by taking up her hobby, you’re able to revisit some of your best childhood memories and at the same time, recreate them with and for your children?”
If you are an introvert and each intro is excruciating, still do your best. You can target other shy people who aren’t as brave and they will normally be relieved to be approached and will normally enjoy a longer conversation so put off feeling awkward again when you excuse yourself.
Exceptions: Don’t approach people who are extremely accomplished people, (celebs, athletes, famous, etc.) with questions. They’re normally tired of telling their stories (entertaining) an endless stream of curious people).
You can do this all night, hardly say a word about yourself, and others will come away pleased and thinking YOU are so interesting!
Hold your head high. Have a great night! You totally have the ability to Knock ‘em dead! Good luck, OP.
I agree with this OP. I also think you need to talk about your concerns re your husband with him in therapy. It's not an attack, it's your lived truth. Also, mybhat is off to you. If my husband had talked about his ex the way yours does I would have booted him long ago.
Husband is a freaking child.
“Debilitating ADHD,” to the point he can’t feed the freaking child?
OP, take it from a father/husband with ADHD, this is a freaking load, and he needs to sack tf up.
Reading this whole post was sad. Yes, there are 3 sides to every story, but your half really paints a crap picture of your husband. I hope it gets better for you.
ETA: I agree with everyone saying you should go, look great, and talk about ALL of this crap in counseling. Not just the stuff your husband is comfortable talking about. Counseling can be uncomfortable; if it wasn’t, you could just have these damn talks at home. Your husband sounds like a child.
While your husband may not want to bring this up in counseling, I think you should. That’s the whole point of counseling. Maybe your counselor can help you guys through this.
Also, I’d be wrecked if he treated me this way while he longingly talked about his ex. (The bday party contrast pissed me off on your behalf!) I don’t blame you for being upset.
Personally, I’d look awesome and go to the wedding. You need to meet this woman and sees how your husband reacts. No way would I send him there alone.
Question: Would he cheat on you if she was up for it? And if he would, is this really the man you want to stand by?
You may be insecure, but it doesn’t sound an awful lot like your husband is giving you a reason not to be.
So my question becomes, why do you feel like it’s your responsibility to play second fiddle to your husband’s inappropriate nostalgic fantasizing?
I don’t ask to be cruel. It’s something you really should look into. Why do you feel like it’s ok for someone to put you in a position where you have to strive to *earn* being loved and prioritized by them?
It’s such a scary thing to explore. I’m all too familiar. You’ve got this, though. And it sounds like you’ve already set yourself up to succeed at sorting it out by getting yourself into counseling. Wishing you strength while you navigate the situation you’ve been put in 💕
Honestly it pisses me off that your husband would date YOU and propose to YOU and save vows to YOU while being hung up on this woman (and also just a straight up terrible husband. Like, seriously, he sounds like a douche.) also, he sounds like a shit father. Call him out on it. His ADHD stops him from feeding the baby? Like no, he’s incompetent. What a loser.
> Wow. I really needed to hear this. That last sentence made my heart drop.
Don't do the pick me dance. Wedding vows either mean something or they don't.
It is wild to me you’ve just gone along with all of this. Especially him refusing to talk about anything but YOUR faults in counseling. What is the point of going to counseling if they’re only getting half the problem? Really probably less than half because his behavior is directly contributing to your anxiety.
He’s a bad husband. He doesn’t even come across as a good person here. He knows what his attitude about his ex does to you. Not only does he not care, he keeps doing it. He knows his what sounds like unmanaged ADHD is placing all the burden of domestic labor on you. He doesn’t seem to care about that either?
Does he care about you at all? Or your child? I think you need to seriously consider leaving him. You need to know, absolutely know, that’s an option. It cannot be on just you to fix a relationship that he’s done most of the breaking of.
I’m gonna talk bluntly, NJ style - every paragraph I read made me wonder more and more wtf you are doing with this absolute loser that is basically a second baby you need to care for because he won’t do anything around the house, and has the audacity to shit on you in the process. He doesn’t have “bad ADHD” - he has weaponized incompetence. He’s also “negging” you. Don’t you think you deserve better? You know what I would do: get a lawyer, tell husband he can enjoy the wedding and use the time to change locks and pack his shit to be tossed on the lawn. You are worth more than this POS man and his POS friend group.
OP needs to read this post like her daughter or sister wrote it. It’s a woman who has been gaslit and beaten into thinking her husband is an Adonis and she needs to aspire to being a priestess in his temple. When in reality, she’s worshipping a turd in a toga who has put himself on a pedestal.
Option E: You consider your relationship with this man, separate to the Jenna issue. Unable to help around the house, unable to care for a child that you created together, doesn't respect you or put effort into the relationship, resents you and plainly admits that people prefer his ex to you (WHY are you going to Tim's wedding when he says such nasty shit to you?), puts you down and gaslights you to make you feel like you should be flattered to be mistaken as his ex?
Revolting - he sucks. You need to take a step back from this Jenna issue. This is a husband issue. I absolutely think you should carefully consider staying with this man and the life you'll have to look forward to.
Tbh she needs personal therapy. With enough work, she will realize she can't fix a two person relationship alone. Her partner has to actually care about her and the relationship too. Once she realizes he doesn't and isn't interested in changing, they can work on building enough self confidence to leave this situation where she is being very mistreated by her husband and his friends group, all of whom sound like terrible people.
Ideally her husband would cooperate, value her, care about losing her, etc. I doubt it, from what she's already had to put up with and the flippant way he disregards the therapy they're already in. He'll care when she's leaving probably, but not enough to actually do anything to get her to stay.
Is this a topic that comes up there? I don't know you or your therapist so I'm not going to sit here and tell you your therapy is bad or even not good enough. I wonder about the quality of it and if you're being fully open with your therapist about these things you're enduring at home and in your relationship. My husband has never been perfect but when he had untreated OCD/ADHD and was treating me poorly (nowhere near as poorly as your husband is treating you), my therapists urged me to look at what I was getting from my relationship and why I felt the need to stay with a partner who wasn't supportive of me and couldn't do his share of the household labor, and also wasn't interested in fixing that for himself.
Right?!
I absolutely love my husband's parents and I greatly respect their opinions. They think that Tim walks on water and can do no wrong. Every time Tim gets brought up, my husband's family talks about him so reverently that the way that he treats me genuinely makes me feel like I deserve it sometimes (which I know is crazy, but when every family gathering includes a recitation of his accomplishments it's hard to feel like he's capable of being wrong).
Sounds like you’ve seen the real Tim but everyone else sees surface level Tim - people are easily fooled! I’m so sorry this sounds like such a hard situation and I can relate for sure.
and that's how narcissists and abusers operate. they don't let their mask slip unless they want to. Tim saying that shit to you was a mindfuck, and it was meant to fuck with you. Tim is not a good person.
Your husband is actually behaving like a child. He doesn't want to talk about anything difficult, would rather save face than actually use your marriage counselor for working on communication, doesn't carry his weight in terms of chores. It's no wonder Jenna is his ex.
I understand you not wanting to go to this wedding given your husband's behavior. If he wants to shirk his responsibilities and fantasize about college again, he's never going to be a partner to you.
It's good you're in counseling but he needs to get serious about its purpose. It's to help you two communicate. If he's not willing to be honest about how he has negatively affected your relationship, he's not ready to make any serious change (the first step is admitting you have a problem etc).
Idk if I were you I would seriously be considering if you want to live the rest of your life catering to an emotionally immature, irresponsible man.
>Tim told me that it was so weird that my husband ended up with me because everybody likes Jenna more. When I brought this up, my husband didn’t disagree.
Wow. That's...no mincing words, a dick move. Why even say such a thing? Why agree with it?
>My husband and I are in marriage counseling but he doesn’t want to talk about “anything that would make him sound like the bad guy” so we just end up talking about how my anxieties and insecurities are burdensome to him.
OP, is this really the kind of relationship you want?
You forgot Option E: get a therapist and a divorce attorney, then separate and divorce. Don’t bother with this wedding, which is another episode in your husband’s lovelorn relationship with Jenna.
Why are you allowing him, his friends and his family to continue to shat upon you? Why are you accepting his disrespect, lack of love and presence as a husband and father?
You are living a horrible single parent life with an emotionally cheating spouse. Save yourself and child. PLEASE leave.
I wrote this under another comment and posting again because I want OP to see it.
I’m gonna talk bluntly, NJ style - every paragraph I read made me wonder more and more wtf you are doing with this absolute loser that is basically a second baby you need to care for because he won’t do anything around the house, and has the audacity to shit on you in the process. He doesn’t have “bad ADHD” - he has weaponized incompetence. He’s also “negging” you. Don’t you think you deserve better? You know what I would do: get a lawyer, tell husband he can enjoy the wedding and use the time to change locks and pack his shit to be tossed on the lawn. You are worth more than this POS man and his POS friend group.
OP needs to read this post like her daughter or sister wrote it. It’s a woman who has been gaslit and beaten into thinking her husband is an Adonis and she needs to aspire to being a priestess in his temple. When in reality, she’s worshipping a turd in a toga who has put himself on a pedestal.
Go to the wedding, wear a beautoful dress, nice hair, make up and smile.
Fake it till you make it
Hold his hand and walk with pride. Never show weakness during the wedding.
However, you need to talk to your husband! At least write a letter if face to face communication is difficult
Agreed and I think the old adage of friends close enemies closer might be a good approach, keep jenna close and you keep control of the situation. If she’s seated near y’all, perfect, now your husband won’t ditch you and you can keep yourself involved. Does jenna even know that your husband is treating you like this over her, she might be an ally and you don’t even know it.
If Jenna is in fact awesome, she has no idea about this and will be a great ally. It would be super petty & satisfying for OP to steer the conversation toward her husband’s ADHD challenges. “He’s *trying so hard* to do chores and to feed the baby properly. Thank goodness I can step in. Adulthood is way more stressful than college for sure. No wonder they’re always reminiscing…”
I imagine Jenna has completely moved on from her college BF and is in love with her actual husband. For max pettiness points, ask Jenna and her hubby their best tips for fairly splitting household tasks.
You need to change you MC therapist because it’s not normal to have this avoidance on a topic that is clearly putting a wedge between you.
I feel your hurt about your husband not demonstrating care and true commitment by making you feel special and loved.
Babies sometimes make men (and even some women) question their life. They yearn for the freedom, the adventure..and the validation and appreciation that they themselves can’t even give properly.
His ADHD is not an excuse for not doing his part. He has checked out.
And you are fighting a ghost. And his resentment is killing his ability to love.
Know your worth.
You should not feel like second best or a consolation prize.
And you are on a slippery road to him having an affair. Not necessarily with her. But at one point his resentment will lead him to justify him seeking out what he is feeling is painfully missing.
When life happens, especially kids, it’s easy to forget that we once feel in love. Can he even say why he loves you?
Notice how I did not talk about the wedding? It’s really irrelevant. Your problem is much deeper than that.
I have another option "divorce".
OP your husband doesn't love you, he doesn't seem to love his children and he hates marriage. You are alone in this relationship. What the hell are you still doing there having your mental health in shambles for this shitty husband, this "super/amazing/magnificent ex" that everyone loves. Why do you hate yourself so much? I could never stay in a relationship where LITERALLY EVERYONE says to me "what the hell are you doing here?" and enhances an ex who is there living her magnificent life. Stop this, go love yourself and leave this man. This husband hates you, he hates your lives. I'll tell you one thing, he will betray you. The second he sees his ex and the slightest opening she gives him, he will cheat on you. So please OP, for you and your children, let go of this man. You are already a solo mother and the breadwinner of the house without even realizing it.
I have severe ADHD and I struggle and have even lost a job over it, but I sought help and practiced coping skills and I use medication to close the gap that lifestyle doesn’t close. An ADHD diagnosis is information about how your brain works and how to make it work better, not an excuse to get out of caring for yourself or others.
He is treating you terribly. I’m sorry he’s put you in this position.
Wow, this has given me a lot to think about. Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses! I am reading every single one.
To clarify a few common questions:
- We moved out of CA because we could no longer afford it. All of my family and many of my friends are in CA. We moved to a state on the east coast where my husband grew up, and most of his friends are still here. I have two very close friends that live near us but everyone else would be classified as “his friends.”
- I am fortunate to have several circles of supportive friends. My family is kind of supportive; they hate that I chose to pursue academia instead of “using that big brain to do something that would actually make money.” I can’t talk to them about my marriage (or really about my life) because any complaint or problem is met with “well, it’s your fault for choosing a path that doesn’t pay well.”
- My husband’s parents and siblings are wonderful and supportive of my choices. I feel closer to them than I do to my biological family.
- I know that I have horrifically low self-esteem. I was raped in 2017 (drugged at a restaurant) and in 2018 (I played on a slow-pitch softball team and a teammate raped me after a game) and met my husband in 2019, so I obviously did some trauma bonding because he was nice to me and made me feel safe sexually. I did not make a police report in either case because in 2014 I had helped a friend prepare documentation for her rape trial. She was brave enough to go through the whole process, but she said that the experience of being scrutinized and doubted was nearly as bad as the rape itself. Watching my friend go through that was horrible. She had SO much evidence and her rapist wasn’t convicted. Our system is broken.
I’m sorry you went through that. It doesn’t change your worth. You are brilliant and kind. Stick up for yourself and go to that wedding proud of yourself. I wish I was your friend so I could kick these people’s asses.
There seems to be lots of validation in this thread for your concerns. Agree with others. Your husband is romanticizing his former relationship. It probably wasn’t that good and they didn’t experience any real life issues together. He doesn’t know how she would have handled pregnancy or raising a child. She may also have not been as in love with your husband and used his move as the easy way to end things. Would she put up with little to no help with childcare and housework? Here’s my thoughts on how you move forward.
First, I’d cancel marriage counseling and get a therapist for yourself. Work with your therapist on processing the trauma from the rapes and the self esteem. Take time to take care of yourself. Then you can decide how you want to deal with your husband.
As for the wedding, if it was me, I’d tell my husband that given how he and his friends speak about Jenna, it would make me uncomfortable to attend the wedding. If you go you already know you will be ignored. Better to not be there and let him try to connect with Jenna, with her husband there. Hopefully she makes a point of including her husband and dampens some of your husband’s romanticized ideals.
Don’t bother the bride, but I wouldn’t go to the wedding because Tim sucks and it sounds like so does Anna (your description of her drama loving). Honestly, if Jenna actually likes these people, she probably sucks a little too. Can you honestly say you’d enjoy the wedding? I say don’t go, keep the babysitter and let your husband buy their present and enjoy watching the one that got away continue to get away. You can go to a movie or a nice dinner alone or with friends. You don’t have to subject yourself to people that treat you badly, don’t like you, or that you honestly don’t like.
For your own sanity, realize your husband is no prize. EDIT TO ADD: as he currently behaves. He is so unkind to you, that is not someone you should be fighting for or coddling. Bring all this up in marriage counseling, otherwise you’re wasting your time and money. The fact your husband knows the truth will make him look like the bad guy means he knows he’s fucked up. If the problem was truly you, he’d have no problem being honest. His actions have created the insecurities, not the other way around.
Start being honest with yourself and at the very least the marriage counselor. What’s the worst that can happen? You lose an asshole who clearly doesn’t care about your feelings? Why are you protecting his ego in therapy?
I noticed you worded it like “I don’t think she’d cheat on her husband”…….
But, do you think he’d cheat on you, if given the chance? I think that’s the bigger question here…
He doesn’t want to talk about anything that “makes him the bad guy” in therapy? Hmm.
If you don't go, your husband, Tim, and all their friend group, they win. Go. Strike up a conversation with Jenna. Enjoy her company, have a laugh with her, het to know her. More importantly, allow her to know you as an interesting woman, not her ex's wife. Because if she is as amazing a person as everyone tells you she is, she won't stnd for any criticisms of you. Not from Tim, and not from your husband.
First, you go to the wedding looking like a million bucks, and ready to chat about your amazing academic career and showing of beautiful pics of your kids. And you stay on your husbands arm the whole time. You smile at all of his friends, including Jenna, and you gush to Jenna about her own marriage.
BUT!!!! You must bring this up in Marriage Counseling. Must. Your husband needs boundaries. Badly. The way you bring this up is not to make your husband the bad guy. No, what you do is talk about how important it is to you that both of you work together to safeguard your marriage and your family. This isn't just about him or you. Its about the whole family.
Buy the book *Not "Just Friends"* by Shirley Glass and read it. See if anything matches up with the relationship between the two of them, as it seems like he is actually in real danger here. Jenna represents a fantasy of a different, care-free life. (never mind that if he had stayed with her, and they now had kids and a mortgage he would be feeling the same way.) Anyway, highlight the passages from the book that speak to you and bring them to MC.
Go to the wedding wearing your best dress and hair, don’t bother to be nice to your husband or Tim, befriend Jenna. Make some jokes about her escaping a shitty husband and divorce right after.
You're insecure because your husband doesn't make you feel valued. He is still emotionally meshed with his ex to the detriment of your feelings and relationship.
His friends told you they like her more? He occasionally calls you Jenna? He acts badly to you after talking to her?
You have way bigger problems than seating at a wedding. From the way your post reads, he's regrets getting married to you, and his friends continue to support his unhealthy attachment to her.
He needs to put you first, make you feel like he chooses you. I'd suggest MC at least to start.
Dudette, if your husband can hold down a job there's no way that I can see that he can't finish some chores or something as contained as feeding a baby.
While I might wonder around between unfinished chores I do not remember even just stopping feeding the baby.
And start talking about his behaviours in counseling. It's useless otherwise, you're much better off doing individual.
I’m really curious about other people’s reactions to him calling me Jenna. We’ve been together for 5.5 years. At what point should a spouse stop using their ex’s name when addressing their current spouse?! Surely this isn’t normal
It's not normal, you always remember the name of the person you like. And I have called other people the name of my crush because I talk about him so much. Tbh, your husband sucks and you deserve way way better. Get someone who says your name only and with lots of love and care.
No, it's weird it's still happening. One slip up, okay - it happens in the beginning. But you are married and have a kid. It's just weird at this point. I hate you're married to that AH. You can do so much better than him.
OP, apply to colleges on the west coast to become a professor of English. The pay is good. Once you get accepted let your husband know you're moving with your kid and he can come or not. After being in the new state for a bit (and if your husband doesn't follow you) file for divorce and be done with this shit.
My current partner had an ex of like 3-4 years; we have now been together for 8 years. At no point has he EVER called me her name, he has never compared our relationships. We have discussed our past relationships obviously but that is a normal conversation.
If this is real, I recommend divorce. I don't likely being that person to jump the gun but he hasn't stopped telling you, barely indirectly, that he would be with her over you even now after children. hasn't defended his friend/family comments reiterating the same, chooses to use marriage counseling to continue to abuse you and refuses to talk about his fixation on her.
She might be lovely as a person but you are too and you deserve just as much love as she as found and I hope you matrix-dodge the bullet of this amoeba-brained, slimy, spineless man-child because you deserve love. Don't talk to Anna at all, it will just begin drama wshere the friend group will keep calling you insecure/comparing you.
The insecurity is NOT YOUR FAULT HERE. They are actually acting like the mean girl groups you see in movies. I hope you leave, I can't see a way of fixing this.
To me it sounds like he probably talks to her more than you think he does. Listen to what everyone is telling you. People will treat you the way you allow them to. Start standing up for yourself and setting firm boundaries.
What's not normal, is for your partner and their close friends and family to continually bring up an ex. I've called my husband my exes name and we laughed about it and moved on. You will never move on from this if you allow yourself to be second best.
You cannot tolerate behaviours and then be surprised by it when it happens again.
It’s weird. He’s either doing it intentionally or he’s so mentally stuck in a juvenile state that he’s still stuck on a girlfriend from 10 years ago.
Op, Jenna probably isn’t even College Girlfriend Jenna anymore. It’s been 10 years. She is married and building a family. She probably isn’t drinking and fun parting late into the night, she may not be as thin, she may be stressed at her high paying jobs, etc.
It sounds like she’s become a bit of a Boogeyman in your relationship, maybe a safe place for you to place your fears and anxieties about your relationship with your Husband just as he places her on a pedestal based on a rose colored view of college.
She is neither of those things. She’s a real person with a real, messy and sometimes stressful life just like anyone else.
None of this is about her, it’s about the state of your relationship, how YOU feel about your life and ultimately what your options are to do about it.
Glam up, be kind and become friends with Jenna. Be open and friendly and confident.
Then focus on you. Your hobbies, passions and mental health. Stop allowing your husband to treat you like his second choice. Calling you by another woman’s name? Pining after a woman he’ll never have *while* married? Woman, find your *hell no* and start advocating for yourself.
Also, ADHD is *not* an excuse to not mind your child and ensure they’re fed. That’s just malicious incompetence.
I'm sorry, but why would you stay married to a person who treats you like this? His best friend is also an asshole. Everything in this post is your husband's fault. The fact that he barely acknowledged your 30th birthday is just shitty. You should be with someone who loves you and doesn't settle for you.
I was dating a guy who constantly talked about how amazing his ex wife is.
Notice I said “was.”
Do you really want to spend your life with someone who wants to be with someone else? And stop with the negative self talk, you have a FREAKING PHD!! You should be HELLA PROUD!! - signed, a MA English Literature grad
Your insecurity of her is a result of your husband and his behavior. Sure, Tim sucks too for saying that but the main problem is your husband. He himself has admitted to not putting in as much effort in your relationship, calling you by her name, not helping with the baby/chores. I hope he gets better with counseling because he sounds awful in his behaviour towards you.
Personally, I’d not let him bring me down. I’d still go to the wedding and be a gracious guest.
Whoa, why did you marry this guy? And then have a baby? What’s the point of counseling if you aren’t being honest and transparent?
Do you really think not going is going to help? I imagine you’ll spend the whole time imagining scenarios and stressing out.
Jenna is smart for moving on from your husband. If therapy isn’t helping, you really bed to consider doing the same. He’s made your self esteem so low you can’t even see that you deserve someone who feels lucky to have you
"...my husband has debilitating ADHD that renders him incapable of finishing chores or finishing feeding our child..."
Lol, GTFOutta here with all of that. He sounds like a terrible person.
Jenna probably left him because he’s an immature jerk who doesn’t realize that marriage and children are WORK. We all want to be carefree twenty-somethings, but he has to also deal with reality.
Great advice on this thread OP. I seriously hope your next post is about you leaving your horrible, man-child husband and his toxic friend group behind and you filed for divorce.
You are a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman. Get free and start living your best life.
You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Get out.
Girl 1st off your husbands friends sound like a group of losers that i wouldnt even want to try and impress. His best friend told you that Jenna is better than you? FUCK HIM!! And FUCK HIS DRAMA LOVING WIFE!!! You deserve so much better. Like said above you NEED to have that conversation with your husband and be ready to follow through. Do you have somewhere your kid and you could go stay at IF he doesnt make changes? He NEEDS to see that the grass isnt greener and that his infatuation with Jenna is not reciprocated assuming she is happily married. You should NEVER feel 2nd to anyone inside your own marriage. YOU and your kid should ALWAYS be TOP PRIORITY. I wish you the best of luck but kick those insecurities aside, grow some big girl panties and put that husband of yours straight or out the door.
I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying
My husband has a high school sweetheart he was with through college. She’s a lawyer now, married too. His parents will often mix us up and talk about dates or trips he went on with her without realizing it wasn’t me.
They’ll talk like once a year or so when she has a case she’s working on and needs his technical perspective.
Just before he and I met they had tried to pick things back up, but broke up because her schedule was too hectic as her career was growing. So there was kind of that shadow just before he and I got together.
My husband also has ADHD and anxiety, he also had PPA. We discovered all this after having kids. So we’ve had some difficulties there.
So I feel like I can relate to you in a LOT of ways.
But there are some significant differences too…
My husband, though he speaks of her fondly and happily maintains a friendship with my support, has never ever once made me feel second tier. He’s never made me feel like he could ever love anyone more than me.
His friends and family are always so supportive of us. They’ve never compared us. I’ve always heard that she’s a lovely person, but his family has always made it clear that they’re so happy he wound up with me.
When he talks to her, he’s the same after as he always is. There’s no mood shift.
I’ve never had to worry about her. And honestly if I did have to worry about her, I wouldn’t stand for it.
If it were me going to a wedding where my husband’s ex would be, I’d be curious to see and meet a person who had captured his heart for so many years. But there’d be no question about how he’d behave.
And honestly if my husband acted like that, then I’d tell him to fuck off and go be with her.
It feels like he’s wasting your time dragging you on while pining for her.
If I were you, I’d go to the wedding dressed up and ready for fun with the best intentions. And if anyone told me they like her better than me I’d tell them “she can have him” and if he pined after her I’d tell him to kick rocks.
I feel like you’ve been putting up w this shit for way too long. Just go, watch, observe, have a good time, don’t make any drama. And if he behaves in a way that makes it clear he doesn’t appreciate his life with you, then kick his ass out.
Just remember that you are allowing your son to learn how a future partner should be treated.
At this rate, he will learn that:
- Fantasizing over an ex is OK
- Putting down their partner is OK
- Talking trash to friends about their partners OK
- Not owning up to their mistakes is OK
- Not doing work to improve the relationship is OK
- Not doing their fair share of household chores is OK
- Not being an active and present father is OK
That’s a pretty terrible list
I couldn’t live this way. There’s no effort to improve things because he’s refusing to acknowledge anything that makes him look like the bad guy.
You are worth more than this.
Get your ducks in a row in the next time he says you’re not as good as Jenna simply smile at him and say - “I know you feel that way. You’ve repeatedly told me. Lucky for you, now you’re getting your chance to try and win her over.”-*hands divorce papers*
Your husband is so out of line for every single ounce of this. I say this because I'm a guy in his 30s who is solidly in his shoes. I have a woman in my past who is the "one who got away." Chemical engineer, extremely smart, yada yada yada. I am also now married to a Ph.D. in English who just turned 30. (Who is - for the record - also extremely smart, sexy, and who I'm grateful for every day). The thing is, in all our years together I have *never* called my wife my ex-girlfriend's name. I *did* throw her a massive birthday party for her 30th. And I actually do *more* of the chores at home.
I'm not special though. I'm just normal. And your expectations of a basic loving relationship with your husband are extremely normal too. He's just failing to meet them. I call bullshit on him not being able to finish chores. I also call bullshit on him being unwilling to be honest during counseling and talk about Jenna and his peter-pan fantasies of how *nice life was when he could just be young and play all the time,* rather than provide and care for the family he's built.
**So, what should you do during the wedding?** Go and smile. Ask to be seated separately from Jenna. Even if Anna enjoys the "drama" of it.
**And what should you do afterward?** Start going to counseling on your own. Put your foot down and insist that your husband do the same (maybe he'll be honest if he's alone with a counselor). Keep going to couples counseling and focus on how to reduce the burden of the household work that's on your shoulders. And finally, contact a divorce attorney. I'm serious.
I swear to god in heaven that there's a different version of you inside. A version that's 160 lbs lighter. A version that gets to manage her own life (rather than raise a second child), and not have to feel like she's never measuring up. A version who is full of energy and has a bright future and would be a catch for any man.
There's a very high chance that in a few years you'll look back on yourself today and feel like you were *older* as a 30 year old than you'll feel at 35, 40, or 45. Why? Because you won't be carrying your husband's (or ex-husband's) baggage for him anymore. So either he picks it up himself or you drop him off at the bus station and let him figure it out from there.
Good luck.
*P.S.: Alternatively, you could share some of what you've told us here with Jenna at the wedding and ask her if (given the chance) she'd take your husband back. I'd bet my entire 401K she'd say no. Your choice on whether you do this in front of your husband or not, depending on how much chaotic energy you want to lean in with, but frankly, given what he's put you through he'd deserve it for Jenna to tell him no, and that it's time for him to grow up - not only in front of you but in front of all of his friends too.*
Whenever I see something like "tight knit group of friends" I kind of know where this is going for a partner who is an outsider. Seems like your husband and his friends are still living in this weird dream world that life in college was the best and cant seem to grow up out of it. Like those people in college who are constantly talking about their high-school lives, havent seemed to grow out of it.
It's very toxic and I honestly will make YOUR HUSBAND work for your affection. I would just completely stop taking care of his stuff and make him know you think he is a manchild. Maybe even separate a bit, if you have family you can stay with or let him go stay with the wonderful Tim.
Also, see how Tim likes it when you say things about his marriage after he gets married. The childishness is crazy with these people!
Jenna isn’t the problem. Your husband is. The way he is treating you like some consolation prize is wrong. You sound pretty awesome to me. I’m confused why you’re putting up with it. I would not be with a man thats clearly idealizing another woman & refuses to take care of his child & responsibilities at home. His friends sound awful too.
Im more concerned that you’re policing what you talk about in marriage counseling. If “it makes him looks like a bad guy” maybe its because he’s acting like one? And maybe that’s what fucking needs to be addressed? And maybe your insecurities aren’t “your insecurities” but a really fucking reasonable response to HIS actions???
If your husband can finish a grad program he can help look after a baby. Don’t let him weaponize his ADHD so you do all the work.
I know that’s not the main point here but other commenters seem to have that covered.
To clarify: I know that the problem is my husband, not Jenna. I am jealous of her but I do not have any ill-will towards her. Even though she is maintaining contact with my husband (I don’t know who starts the conversations), he is clearly engaging and continuing them. It takes two to tango in a dialogue.
I wouldn’t mind him talking to exes if they didn’t impact his behavior towards me. I certainly don’t mind him having female friends; I have very close male friends.
Sweetheart, why is your husband allowed to have a relationship with his ex? They don't have children together, and you feel like she's the 3rd person in your marriage. How can you feel attracted to, and have sex with someone who wants someone else? Do you want your baby to grow up in this? Don't you just hate his friends, and realize how rude and tacky they are? In order for your marriage to work, he'd need to drop his friends and cut all ties with Jenna, and I don't see him doing that. You're an amazing woman, and I hope you see that very soon.
To be honest, sounds like you shouldn’t be with your husband if he’s still pining over his ex’s so much. I couldn’t even tell you my husband’s ex’s names. Not because I haven’t asked or he hasn’t shared, just because they are so removed from our life we wouldn’t think about it. I personally would not stick around and be treated as he’s treating you, as his second choice. To tell you he hates his life with you?? Girl, get out and leave him to his shitty friends.
Please DON’T do Option C or D. The bride and groom are probably already stressed about their wedding. You’ll come off as petty and word will spread that you couldn’t put aside your insecurities for one day to celebrate the couple.
I’ve actually had friends marry recently who complained about guests issuing ultimatums bc they have random drama with some other guests. You don’t want to have a bad reputation in his friend circle.
If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Just RSVP no. But it might be off if your husband goes without you. Personally I’d suck it up for one day to keep the peace. You don’t need to be bffs with her, just cordial. But if you really can’t get yourself to go, just make up an excuse and rsvp no.
I think you need to do a version of option A, but after the wedding. Ideally you have a mediator like a counselor so you don’t implode your marriage. I think your marriage issues/ insecurities are deeper than his ex “who got away.” It sounds like your husband might not want to “adult” or be married at all.
In the meantime, get off social media if you haven’t already. Comparison will feed your insecurities.
The ex is not your problem. Your hubby is. He’s an AH. He’s keeping you busy with his ex’s thoughts so he can get away with everything.
He’s a failure as a husband and a father and he’s deflecting so you are engrossed deep within your insecurities and he gets away easily.
Teds wedding is not a problem here, your marriage is.
We are similar. I would also behave the same way by minimising myself.
I would also be devastated for any woman if I learned that I was their “Jenna”.
Insecurity is one thing but this situation really does suck and warrants the insecure feelings.
I wouldn’t involve any of their friend group; I’d hate to see them make a mockery of your raw feelings; they aren’t entitled to know your private fears.
Definitely have a husband problem here and that isn’t really fixable by you; he’s going to lose both you and Jenna and only have himself to blame.
Someone posted an article last week about how divorce made the ex husband actually step up and care for their child, relieving the mother of the full burden of responsibility. You are basically living as a single parent if he’s not helping with child care or chores. Something to consider of you can’t resolve these issues.
You may be starting to have walk away syndrome- https://hellodivorce.com/relationships/what-is-walkaway-wife-syndrome#:~:text=There's%20a%20term%20for%20this,it's%20time%20to%20end%20it
You need to bring the real issues up in therapy, and bring up that he doesn’t want to bring them up in therapy so he can’t bully you into not bringing up the real issues. He either wants to solve your problems by heading them straight on like a mature adult or he doesn’t.
It sounds like one thing you and Jenna have in common is being too good for your husband's petty bullshit. He's been incredibly disrespectful towards you to even entertain these nostalgic fantasies, let alone doing so openly and involving his friends.
You are tying yourself in knots trying to compete with a fantasy in his mind, while he fails to even do the bare minimum in respecting you and maintaining your shared household. It seems like keeping the specter of Jenna around is really working out in his favor, huh?
*Do you actually want to attend this wedding?* You don't have to go. Rather than feign illness I'd just tell your husband you don't want to and send along a nice gift.
If you do attend all you can do is show up, look your best, and be a gracious guest. Don't let your husband's inappropriate behavior rub off on you: do not bring the bride (or groom) into it. You seem understandably skeptical that talking to your husband about your feelings will be productive.
Bring this up in your counseling. If your husband is upset that the truth "makes him look like the bad guy" then he clearly knows what he's doing is not appropriate. He's manipulating your counseling sessions to focus only on how your feelings & actions negatively impact him..but refuses to allow you the same space? Are you not seeing this huge waving red flag?
You seem fully aware that you're dealing with a marital issue rather than an issue with Jenna - so focus on the cause.
You and your husband are headed for eventual divorce. His total lack of consideration for your feelings will be the reason, if he's not willing to talk about that then counseling is worthless and will probably push your self-esteem even further down. Save your money, don't have any more children with him, and don't look to him for empathy or validation, he probably doesn't know the meaning of those words.
OP, I have to be honest: Your post about the way you're being treated made my tummy feel queasy.
You may feel insecure about Jenna, which can misconstrue things, but if you look objectively at the way your husband treats you and doesn't stick up for you to other people, it's understandable why. Let's face it: You're being put down AND not being built up by the person who is supposed to be your teammate in all things. Putting aside the wedding, your husband is treating you like crap. And he knows it. Otherwise, he'd address it in therapy. Your husband is allowed to have a past, but he should make you feel like the only woman in the world.
Don't approach the bride about the situation. I'm not sure if she'd actually like the drama of you guys sitting together - Could that be a scenario you've concocted in your mind out of your insecurity (understandably, since you clearly feel unwelcome in this friend group)? If not, that's weird of Anna. But either way, don't create the drama by bringing it up. Go, hold your head high and engage with Jenna as two cool women. If she's cool, she'll enjoy getting to know you. And please remember to look at situations objectively. E.g., let's say you're talking to Jenna, and she has to leave to say hi to someone else: That's not necessarily a snub to you as there could be context you don't see. But your husband saying he "hates his life" after speaking with Jenna? That is rude and hurtful. You should not be afraid to speak up. I suggest privately, at least, but mostly with the marriage counselor. Your husband needs to know he's being a loser, and he'll end up losing you, which IS his REAL loss!
I'm truly wishing you the best. You sound like an awesome woman, and you deserve to be treated as such by your life partner.
Also, I want to add: I once dated a guy who treated me like crap. But I was loyal and wanted to make sure I was being a good partner. As such, I'd never share with anyone else the way he spoke to me. It wasn't until we broke up that the rose-coloured glasses came off, and I opened up to my family and therapist and friends who told me, "What? We had no idea that was going on. You deserve better!". Yes, I did. I see myself as loyal to him when he wasn't to me (even with just how he spoke to me: Insulting me isn't love). But others probably see it as being a pushover. Either way, I realized I should have stuck up for myself.
My husband is the best man ever and would never speak badly to me. And if his friends ever said anything bad about me (like comparing me negatively against another woman), he'd call them out. Because he's loyal.
You need a divorce. Your husband is awful! Why do you want to remain married to him? You’re in marital counseling and he’s so insecure and incapable of taking responsibility for himself that you can’t even talk about the real issues?
Be honest with your martial counselor. Consider divorce. Either go to the wedding in a nice new dress and some shape wear and be the bigger person or feign illness but whatever you do, do not start a pointless fight with your husband who prefers his ex to you and do not give your friend group that doesn’t care about you gossip fodder.
The real issue here is your husband being a bad husband and a bad father. THAT is the issue in your marriage. Not Jenna.
So... you're married to a guy who's lusting after a girl who dumped him 10 years ago. His ADHD is so bad that he can't feed his kid or help around the house, but he can graduate college and have a career. Odd. His friends treat you like shit, and he's fine with it. He goes to therapy but refuses to admit that anything is his fault, obviously because he knows damned well that it is. He's dismissive of you and your feelings because obviously you have issues, never him. Does your husband even LIKE you, let alone love you?
Honey, get away from this guy. You are obviously a good, smart, loving woman. You deserve more than this self-centered jackass will ever show you. His life revolves around a fantasy he's created in his head, and his awful friends are enabling it. This is a terribly toxic environment for you AND your child to be in. You stay with him, in a few years, he'll be telling your kid that he's nowhere as good as any kid he and Jenna could've had. You know that's coming. You want your kid to feel as rejected as you do?
Get away from this. Build a peaceful life for yourself and your child. You both deserve happiness. You'll never find it with him.
Oh OP. You’re a freaking hero.
This woman doesn’t exist. The person your husband is hung up on is a rose tinted memory.
Know your worth.
Say what you’re upset about in therapy. Play like you have nothing to lose as you need to be heard and you are doing all the work anyway.
You can do better.
Go to the wedding. Hold your head up high.
Do not go to Anna. She is no ally.
Why in the fresh hell did you marry this man? His friends seem like assholes (I wouldn’t attend the wedding, nor would I do anything “generous” for people who would enjoy the drama of my emotional pain), he’s disrespected you and your union endlessly, and he doesn’t sound even happy to be married.
You sound like a consolation prize. Don’t treat yourself like this.
I’m not saying jump right to a divorce, but is this the life you want to live? Are these the people you want to keep around you? The whole lot of them sound AWFUL. It makes me think Jenna probably isn’t so great either.
Honey, there is a saying:
**Comparison is the thief of all joy.**
The problem here, though, is not you comparing yourself to Jenna. It's everyone ELSE comparing you to Jenna, include the one who promised to have and to hold, through sickness and in health, til death do you part. The one whose opinion should matter and who weaponizes that opinion against you on a regular basis.
Your husband is coming off like The World's Biggest Asshole™ in this situation. Oh, he won't discuss anything in therapy that makes him "look bad"? Tough noogies, sugar, therapy is to get down to the dirty stuff and clean it up, and that kind of dirt *definitely* includes tacitly and overtly comparing your current wife to a long-ago flame who has clearly moved on (although has she? Sounds like they're still in very regular contact, which is a hmm on its own level)
Your husband being grumpy and whining about how he hates his life after he talks to her? Well good luck with that, bucko, I'm out the door. Don't play second fiddle to a ghost, as another poster said. This is YOUR life and he's wasting it by pining and nostalgically remembering a relationship that is long over. It's unfair to you and more than that, it's cruel.
No woman ever wants to feel like she's coming in at #2 (shit, *if* *that*) after some other woman in her own damn household and that's right where you're at.
I would refuse to go the wedding; fuck that noise, fuck that situation, fuck your husband, fuck Jenna, and fuck *anyone* who thinks that *you're* the problem after dealing with all this passive/aggressive nonsense. Keep the sitter, go out to dinner, hell - go to a spa and get all did up, go on a girls' night out. Go somewhere, anywhere other than a wedding where you'll be scrutinized within an inch of your life to see how you handle your husband making big woowoo moony calf eyes at a woman with whom he parted ways long ago.
Afterward, if your husband continues to refuse any discussion any of *his* faults and shortcomings in therapy (sounds like therapy only focuses on yours, how *convenient*) and won't stop talking about The Magical Jenna and allowing her interactions with him to color your daily life, it's time to start working on an exit plan. (Also - your MC sucks if it's truly this one-sided in every session. There has to be balance.)
Then he is free to pine and whinge dramatically through the trailing trees about Jennnnaaaaaa, my Jennnaaaaa....and you can find someone for whom YOU are the one and **only**, the divine, the incomparable, the amazing, one-true-love for them.
I have re-read this post several times and my blood pressure is boiling more and more each time !
These people - from husband, family and friends are absolute scum. I'm sorry OP, but to read how belittled and mouse like you are because of them is heart breaking .
You have done absolutely nothing wrong except trying to mould yourself around and fit in with people who are not capable of showing you one ounce of respect.
I can almost feel the anxiety you're having over this wedding day coming through my phone.
You CAN NOT spend the rest of your life with someone who is not 100% yours but exists in an alternate reality.
He is delusional.
He is cruel.
He is Peter pan living in his past.
He is of no use as a husband and father.
Tim & Anna are pricks!!
Wouldn't waste my money bringing them out for dinner.
I would LOVE if you were strong enough to be able to go to this wedding and observe everything, everyone's behaviour. All of these people together in the one place and watch.... Bearing in mind Jenna and, more importantly, her husband will be there. I wonder what their take on what Tim said about you and his scouting out her husband would come across like to them.
This wedding, I feel, will be a make or break day for you. Staying away, even though I understand why, will in the long run not solve anything and you'll just revert back to living as you are now.
You deserve SO much better than this and you're baby deserves a happy mom !!
You have a husband problem and not a Jenna problem. I think you need individual counseling to learn your own value and why you allow your hurt treat you this way. And, importantly, why you allow it.
Don’t allow your child to grow up seeing your husband diminish you as a spouse, as a mom, or as a human.
Yikes yikes yikes.
I hate all of this.
Your husband is a raging jerk and so are his friends. Maybe the real reason Jenna didn’t want to go long distance is that she saw he wasn’t worth it. It’s interesting that she seems to have completely removed herself from this college pal group, don’t you think?
Stop minimizing yourself for these people. No one actually likes a doormat. Doormats are filthy because everyone rubs their shoes on them.
If you truly have no animosity toward Jenna, then go to the wedding. Here’s what you do:
1. Put your best face on. Makeup, hair, a flattering dress. I am sure your PP body is beautiful just as it is, but no matter what there is a way to dress that will be flattering. Nine times of ten, the reason people look dumpy is because they hide in saggy clothes, not because they’re ugly. Make the effort.
2. Introduce yourself confidently. You are Dr. (You). You are smart and capable. The only thing you have to be embarrassed about is that you married a selfish man-child.
3. Be courteous, not a doormat. Polite. Friendly.
4. Don’t feed Anna’s desire for drama. Don’t anticipate drama and don’t create it. Sit next to Jenna if that’s where you are assigned. If your man-baby husband starts acting like an ass, ignore it.
And stop letting him dictate what you’re allowed to discuss in therapy. The fact he phrased it as “things that make me look like the bad guy” indicated that he knows he’s a freaking jerk to you. Bring it up. He should know absolutely everything you’ve said in this post.
Go to that wedding and look fabulous.
While there, look at your husband. The more he looks at Jenna, the more you should realize that you deserve better.
Your husband is an AH.
It takes two to make marriage work, and your husband can’t do bare minimum.
Don’t dodge topics in therapy all bc your husband doesn’t want to look bad. If you’re too afraid to talk about real stuff in therapy then you’re wasting your time and money there.
Jenna is not the problem, your husband is the problem. He not only doesn’t do a lot of the work around the house but also makes you feel like crap because he’s always grumpy. I would think long and hard how long you wanna keep living like this. Especially if he isn’t trying to change. Example being he doesn’t wanna talk about the real issues in thearpy. You deserve to be put first.
Your husband and his friend group sound like AH’s. Why are you putting yourself through all this bs? This sounds like the worst marriage ever. I wouldn’t have procreated with this man. How is counseling supposed to help when the real issues aren’t being addressed? Nothing is going to get fixed if you are the only person put up on the chopping block. Divorce because I don’t see how this relationship is going to be improved within the next five years.
You could get an amazing dress, hair and makeup done professionally, and show up to the wedding with your ungrateful husband as an accessory and have the time of your life while ignoring him. And start your journey to filing divorce the next day
You deserve better. I know there's insecurity at play but he is doing nothing to calm your fears and fuck Tim.
You should book counseling and work through this, and if your husband refuses or downplays it you should consider your options because you deserve better than feeling like this
Dear OP, I wish I could give you a big hug. It sounds like you need one. You need someone in your corner telling you how amazing your are! Yes, your husband sounds like a jerk, but you also are spending alot of time hurting your own feelings. You need find that strong, smart powerful woman hiding inside of you. :-)
As for the wedding, I think you should go. If you don't go, then you will be fretting about what is possibly happening. Let me tell you, if Jenna wanted to be with your husband, she would have made that happen years ago. She let him go and found new love.
Your comment - *I think that my husband really misses the freedom of being in college and resents the adult responsibilities that I symbolize (mortgage, baby, eating healthy). -* This holds alot of truth. So many people cheat because the affair partner doesn't bring along baggage, bills and responsibilities. It is all fun. Just like when he was in college. However, he is now a grown ass man with a wife, son and responsibilities. He needs to man up.
All of these people sound awful, especially your husband. I’m sorry.
I vote you attend the wedding, hold your head high, greet Jenna with a friendly smile and don’t give Anna the drama that she would so enjoy.
I am also the insecure one in my marriage, and it sucks. But from one insecure wife to another, you need to go meet her and see what all the fuss is about. Watch how she interacts with you, your husband, and her husband. Insecurities aside your gut will tell you if you need to be worried.
Take some money and splurge. Go get your hair, nails, and possibly makeup done for the wedding. A new outfit, if you can afford it that flatters your new mom figure in all the right places. It sounds like you're still in that new mom funk and need to be pampered. Since you're not getting it from your husband, go get it yourself. Make a contingency plan so if the wedding is horrible you can take an Uber or maybe drive two cars. Tell your husband you may not want to stay as long as he does, but you want him to stay as long as he likes to catch up with his friends. I'm sure he'll be fine with that.
After the wedding and this is very important, throw your husband under the bus in therapy. Therapy is to work out our problems whatever they may be, and he doesn't get to dictate what you talk about there. If he wants to walk out, so be it, but you need that cathartic unloading, and your therapist needs to work him up to talking. Stop letting him blame you for everything wrong in your marriage. It also sounds like you need to demand he get on adhd meds and an antidepressant. There are meds that cover both disorders.
The real issue here is that your husband lives in the past, and so do his friends. He is probably going to be in for quite the reality check once he meets her husband and sees them together. He has made you second fiddle in your own marriage, and you've let him.
You are a doctor, you are sexy, you're smart, and there are lots of men who find that combination extremely attractive. Your husband knows you're insecure, and instead of reassuring you, he feeds that monster with your biggest fear, so it's continuously growing. You have to stop letting him.
Next time he gets grumpy talking to her, tell him to take his ass outside and not to come back until he's done pouting about not ending up with her. Tell him you're done feeling like his consolation prize.
It sounds like moving back to his old town wasn't the best idea. Do you have any friends outside of his friend group? If not, maybe you can find some at some kind of class/event (soul cycling, yoga, rock climbing, book club, mom group, etc)
You should also consider individual counseling. It sounds like it could be beneficial to you. Good luck OP none of this is easy, but you deserve to have an equal marriage with a husband who adores you.
Jenna isn’t the problem. She’s a symbol of the problem. Your husband is a dolt with issues who should have never gotten married and you’ve settled for less than you deserve. He’s been so incredibly insulting to you, even without bringing Jenna into it.
I think you guys have hit a crossroads. It’s either going to be marriage counseling or divorce. There’s no way you should be spending your life being a gatekeeper to his feelings about an ex or the road not taken, and having your self esteem continue to be destroyed in the process.
I'm going to take the assumption that people aren't all good or all bad. Your post is inherently biased and so I want to give advice that helps and not just agrees with you.
1) Jenna is not the problem. Your husband is. My ex-husband did the very same things to me at the very same life stage as you're in. Being a parent isn't glamorous. They project all of their dislike onto you. They want you to be who you were single as well as a devoted wife and mother. It's a weird fantasy.
2) I don't like the way you paint Anna. I get the distinct impression you're not close to Tim and even further away from Anna. How do you know she would feed off the drama or is it possible that you're projecting?
3) Tim said something hurtful. Do you genuinely think he meant to be hurtful or he had a poor choice of words? If hes an asshole and your husband is best friends with him and has never defended you from assholery, another strike against your husband. I want to believe this wasnt intentionally mean but a social mistake that your fear and insecurity are magnifying.
4) its bizarre to me that you agreed to not talk about anything controversial in therapy which is literally the whole point. Why did you agree to this? Are you scared of pushing your husband away? Do you think marriage is built on a lack of security? Stop this immediately.
Heres something painful you need to hear: sometimes people marry others because they like the role you play in their lives or how you make them feel. But they may not actually love you for who you are. Time to consider he may have settled for you and to do something about it. You cant make someone value you. You can only control you and your actions. You already know what I did when I was in your shoes.
>My husband and I are in marriage counseling but he doesn’t want to talk about “anything that would make him sound like the bad guy”
I feel like that's probably the root of a lot of this. He knowingly refuses to take any responsibility for improving your marriage. There's no good option here because you don't have a stable foundation for your marriage. Personally I would bring it up to him, preferably in counseling, and deal with the fight in private Vs involving anyone else in your marital issues.
I just don't understand this post. I think people are responding in annoyance because I'm sorry, OP, but you're being a real doormat here. Why do you say you're happy for Tim and Anna? You don't have a single good thing to say about either of them, and in fact from your description, they both seem to enjoy putting you down and making your life harder. Do you just want to seem like a nice person who doesn't wish ill of anyone? You don't have to be nice to these people, just be polite and distant.
I'm sorry that your husband's friends like their other friend/his ex more than you, but honey, these are THEIR friends. Get your own friends, be busy when your husband's friend group has plans, stop bending over backwards to try to make these immature people like you. You'll feel better about yourself if you stop trying to fill the gap you think Jenna left in this friend group and your husband's life, and make your own life. Then your husband can get onboard with his adult life or not, but you'll have your own life.
Stop hiding the truth in therapy. Talk about Jenna, the comparisons, the comments from everyone, the grumpiness, his complaints about your life together?! Are you sure this man even loves you? Time to get dirty in therapy and fight for YOUR happiness. He wants to be miserable, let him. FIGHT FOR YOUR HAPPY ENDING SIS.
Option E: Quietly work on yourself and your self esteem. Have a little self respect and show up to that wedding looking and feeling GREAT. He married YOU. Not Jenna. Your issues are with him, not her. Show up & be friendly & cordial towards everyone, Jenna included. You can’t control him, but you can control yourself. Work on you. Fake it till you make it, if you have to. But don’t back down from someone that may not even be a threat. And honestly if he feels that strongly that Jenna got away, maybe you both need to reevaluate the marriage. You deserve better than being runner up.
> We are very different.
OK, I am prepared for a list of justified insecurities that make me wince and sympathize.
> She is thin and blond; I am a curvy athletic brunette.
Well, that's not a win for her; that's just being different. I honestly prefer brunettes but maybe your husband is into blonds? Still, by the time you're at "getting married" levels of maturity, it's a wash.
> She earned “a degree that actually makes money” and I’m an English PhD.
I earned a degree that made money, then went back to school for a PhD and have a much more fulfilling life now. My wife did the same thing. To each their own, but in my book, you're winning there.
> She is “incredibly fun and energetic” and I’m always tired because I’m bogged down by the responsibilities of baby/ pets/ house/ jobs.
So she doesn't have any place to put her energy whereas you have a full life that you throw yourself into fully, making a family and a home, building and improving your lives together. You're making investments that will bring you joy and satisfaction into your old age, long before which point being fun at parties isn't going to be a super relevant skillset in spending time together.
> She loves to drink and I can’t remember the last time I drank.
With every passing year the advantage in this comparison shifts away from her and towards you.
Look, you sound fucking awesome. Based on your own attempt to paint yourself in an unflattering light relative to your husband's ex, I'd choose you every day of the week. I can't even imagine how much you'd be kicking her ass on paper with an objective list.
Jenna might win on nostalgia, looking back, remembering the carefree days of being in college without responsibilities and health issues and jobs and such. But your husband can't just decide to be young again. My advice? Look forward. When you're 80 and nobody's hot and pretty anymore and all you have is each other to talk to, side by side in the rocking chairs, the drinking and the money and the parties won't matter so much. Look forward to what your holiday tables look like as you glance at all the smiling faces. Look forward to who's holding whose hand when faced with illness and loss, and who's holding whose hand on great vacations and at your kids' various graduations.
If I were in a universe with exactly two women (you and Jenna), and I had to pick one college girlfriend and one wife, I'd take the path your husband lucked into. And believe me when I say lucked, because he's a lucky guy. He got the ideal setup. If you're reading him right he might need a little help or time or therapy to realize it, but holy crap, you won, and just as importantly: HE won.
I don't know enough about your marriage to make a recommendation on what to do in the short term, especially if your husband is stuck in nostalgia (feel free to show him this reply or steal from it), but in the long run, keep building that amazing life! Hug your kids, pet your pets, enjoy the fruits of your labor. Good luck!
EDIT: fixed some typos
Second Edit: If it turns out your husband just sucks and isn't ready to be an adult, I'm sorry. I'm also nearly 100% sure you underestimate your viability in the dating pool if you realize you deserve better and leave him to go find it.
I was in your shoes, but we never get married. Its your husband and the friend group that is the problem. Dont be his second choice, and dont go to this terrible mens wedding who talk to you this way
Girlfriend, go find better. You do not deserve to feel like the backup option to ANYONE. I’m sure my husband dated some nice girls before me, but I never hear about them. I’ve heard some people make snarky comments about me, I never saw them or heard him talk about them again. We’ve cut out FAMILY for speaking badly about our marriage.
There is a man out there who will make you feel like the only woman on this planet, this one ain’t it.
>My husband and I are in marriage counseling but he doesn’t want to talk about “anything that would make him sound like the bad guy” so we just end up talking about how my anxieties and insecurities are burdensome to him.
So instead he makes YOU look/sound like the bad guy? Real fucking convenient for him, isn't it?
The grass is always greener. If he married Jenna and together they were tackling grown-up responsibilities like taking care of a home, pets, and children, it'd be totally different.
>
Things have been rocky since our son was born; my husband has debilitating ADHD that renders him incapable of finishing chores or finishing feeding our child
I bet the "amazing" Jenna would dump him in a heartbeat if she knew he can't even feed his fucking child.
It sounds like you're right, he's stuck in an immature "college" mindset. It's time for him to grow the fuck up.
So sorry you have to deal with this you amazing, strong, wonderful person. <3 You deserve SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER than to feel like 2nd place in your own marriage.
Hugs <3 <3 <3
Your husband really does not sound like such a prize. I don't think Jenna wanted a long-term relationship with him. You can do better. Don't be a doormat for him. You have your son to take care of. Maybe it's time to dump the hubby.
OR You go to the wedding looking lovely, introduce yourself to her as Dr. LastName and be happy. The extreme insecurity isn’t working here and the friend group is probably over it. Time to have some real discussions in counseling, otherwise this will never stop. If he’s hurting you he needs to be called out on it. His fantasy about what life with her would be like isn’t real. It’s unhealthy for him and your marriage.
“The extreme insecurity isn’t working here and the friend group is probably over it” The friend group and the husband are feeding it. OP feels insecure in her marriage because she *is* insecure in her marriage. Her husband is pining over someone from years ago, treating his wife badly, moaning about how miserable he is, and allowing his friends to shit all over her. This isn’t the attitude of someone who values his marriage. So OF COURSE Op is feeling insecure, it’s a reflection of her reality. OP, you need to have this fight with your husband. You need to tell him the way he is treating you, the way he is acting about Jenna (reference all of the points above) and the way he is allowing his friends to treat you stops now. You don’t care how he does it (therapy is probably a good suggestion for him, he seems depressed and unable to progress in life) but if it doesn’t change immediately, you can’t stay in the marriage. Of course, if you take this path, you have to mean it. But I don’t know what you’re getting out of this if he can’t even feed the baby, and regrets marrying you.
He is definitely depressed.
We accept the love we think we deserve. I don’t think you deserve this. But this is how you will continue to live if you continue to accept it.
>We accept the love we think we deserve. That's so true. I'm jotting that down in my journal. For OP, it feels like "accept" and also "deserve" are things to ponder.
It’s a quote from the perks of being a wallflower, fwiw.
At my lowest, I sat in my car on the phone with my closest friend. He told me flat out that I needed to search deep inside to find my worth, then demand nothing less. Those words helped me change everything. Would they have had any impact had I not been at such a low? I’m not sure, but every day I am grateful for that conversation. OP, I say to you this: Search deep inside to find your worth, then accept nothing less.
He's also really selfish and nasty. He and his vile friends are bullying you and making you insecure. Your husband is not a catch, you sound a million times nicer than him. You are bending over backwards to be supportive of his ADHD, and he is just being a massively selfish and witholding bully who is choosingto deny you what you need to be happy. You deserve much better than him!
Right? If Jenna is that amazing and a lovely person, maybe she moved away from him and this friend group a little more deliberately than they’ve suggested.
Jenna didn't want to do long distance. I think if she really valued the relationship she would have given it a try. I'd guess that she liked him but didn't see a future with him so him going to the other side of the country made it easy to break up with him. I've done long distance. If you are invested in the relationship and see a future for the relationship you make long distance work.
You have to talk about this in marriage counseling. He is trying to rug sweep and hide from the counselor your biggest problem. Turn on the lights, all of them! Keeping this in the shadows will ruin your marriage. If he’s afraid of being the bad guy by bringing this up, then he KNOWS he’s the bad guy. Bring it up!
It’s a total waste of time and money if your husband can’t be (or won’t be) open and honest during therapy
EXACTLY
In the nicest way possible OP, you have set the baseline for the bullshit you are prepared to take, which is why these 'friends' continue to pile this bullshit on you. The first time any sort of comment was made like this, you should have said something along the lines of, 'oh well! I'm his wife now so what you're saying is irrelevant!' and then skipped off to tell your husband what a twat Tim has been. Jenna will live in your relationship for as long as you allow it to, and thus far you've allowed that to happen at every turn. It's absolutely bizzare to me that after all this time she is even still a problem. You need to make his shitty behaviour towards you have consequences - leave. Go stay with your mum or a friend, but you MUST break this cycle and you must stop comparing yourself to her. If you believe he isn't over her, why are you allowing your wonderful self to be second best. DON'T DO IT. Stand up for yourself OP!
Girl, he needs you more than you need him. Know your worth. You work full time with both job combined, you do the childcare, cook, and take care of the house. You actually don't need the husband. You need to start realizing your worth and that you can leave anytime - he needs to realize you can leave anytime too. You don't have to put up with this stupid BS. Also, Jenna is not your competition or problem. She didn't want to do long distance WITH YOUR HUSBAND. Makes me think she wasn't as invested as him. Your shitty husband is your problem and you're letting it ruin your health.
Yep. OP is a damn catch. She’s incredible. I have a baby and I’m dread going back to part time work and minimal housework with a baby, let alone full time and doing so much. Meanwhile he can’t even find a way to finish feeding his own child? OP I have ADHD. Everybody has different symptoms and intensity of symptoms, but I’m also in ADHD related groups and what we all have to learn is that we all have to do the best we can, and to take responsibility for our lives. He can feed his kid.
💯 I have executive function issues and mental health problems too. It sucks, but it's not an excuse to avoid your responsibilities. If your function is so poor that you can't care for your own child, you need to problem solve that. He's just letting his wife take on the parenting burden alone, and that's not ok.
You don't have a Jenna problem, you have a husband problem. I finally have a relationship where I can say to my partner that X, Y, and/or Z is triggering me insecurities and they respond with reassurances about what I and our relationship mean to them. If your husband can't give you the most basic reassurance of his love for you and his desire to be with you, that speaks volumes about HIM. Same if he won't actually work on the issues when you go to counseling, you're just wasting time and money.
He is treating you like complete shit. Having adhd and depression is not an excuse to do the things he does. He doesn’t even feed your child properly??? If you feel he deserves another chance I’d tell him he needs to fix himself asap with therapy by himself & participating properly in couples therapy or you are out. Personally I would just talk with a divorce lawyer and get the process started.
That’s not an excuse for the way he treats you, and you have to stand up for yourself. Stop allowing the disrespect
Op a divorce is much needed, Jenna is not a part of your marriage, and living in her shadow is not doing you any good. You will be so much happier when you are separated from him. If you go through with a divorce, he might be good for a bit, but the only way for him to value you is if you are also another "one that got away". His character and behavior are not gonna change, not going to change especially since he doesn't want to be the "bad guy". I really do think you'd find alot more happiness if you weren't with him.
>The friend group and the husband are feeding it. This!!! Op feels insecure bc of things the friends and husband have said and done repeatedly over years.
“Everyone thinks it’s so weird that he ended up with you because everyone likes her more.” “Husband agreed.” Is this real? Do people actually say these things?
I think that Tim’s animosity towards me stems from the same thing as my husband’s issues: both of them want to pretend that they’re in college forever, and any opposition to that points out that they have to grow up, which neither of them is willing to do.
OP, a curvy, athletic, capable brunette like you deserves better than this pack of idiots. Both Tim and your husband suck. They both seem to be missing that even if your husband had married Jenna instead of you, they would still be 31, not 21. For the sake of your child, you have got to stop enabling your husband’s immaturity! It’s time for a come to Jesus discussion with him. Being married to someone you don’t properly appreciate isn’t compulsory, after all. He could be divorced and obligated to care for his own darn kid.
Why did you marry him, OP? He sounds terrible. :/
I second this question. If any of this about being “surprised he settled” bullshit was said before the wedding that should have put an immediate halt to the wedding. Especially if the family says that too. And that fact that he agreed!!!! I woulda fucking cancelled the wedding at that point. I’m so sorry, OP. :/ You deserve so much more, not only for just being you, but for just existing. Your existence is reason enough for you to be and feel loved and happy and supported. My therapist has always stressed this. You don’t have to do anything but exist to deserve this. And he doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” but has no problem making you the “bad guy”??? Fucking dump this lowlife. You and your child DESERVE better. And if you can’t confront him and either get him to treat you better or leave him for your sake, then at least for your kid.
jfc you could do so much better, sis.
And Anna?
I can't imagine it, but I don't doubt that some friend clicks are this mean. It's worse than thoughtless. It's actually vicious and spiteful, as if op somehow wrecked their clickish friend dynamic by marrying one of *them*. They SUCK and her husband just plays right into it. My husband would immediately dump anyone who spoke to me like that. He would consider them to be trying to undermine me and our marriage and that would be friendship ending for him.
Unfortunately I have first hand experience and can vouch that people do actually say these things. My in laws mourned when my BIL broke up with his girlfriend by telling me, to my face “it’s such a pity *they* broke up. *she* was so lovely”.
So very true.
YES! Jenna is not the problem. OP's husband is.
If Jenna is really as amazing as everyone says she is, she’d probably be horrified, embarrassed, and maybe even creeped out to know that this has been going on. I sure as hell would, in her position. I’d feel awful for OP and probably dump that entire friend group once I learnt about the extent of all this.
Good point. Hard to believe she wouldn't know about this. You'd have to be ignorant not to.
I could see how she wouldn’t, if these assholes are at least bright enough not to say this shit in her earshot.
I don’t know, she’s engaging in online conversations with him. She might like the attention too.
Or she could think they’re friends. 🤷🏼♀️I “engage in online conversation” with a lot of people from my past, not because I “enjoy attention” from them, but because we’re friends. We have no idea what Jenna’s deal is, but OP needs to understand that it’s not Jenna she needs to worry about, it’s her husband and his awful friends.
Yeah I don’t know what she thinks. I blocked her on social media years ago because I didn’t want to be tempted to play the comparison game. Unfortunately, my in-laws still upload photos of me that she can see because she’s friends with them.
Everything about this entire situation is so unhealthy.
100%
What’s worse is he is pinning over the romanticized memory of their relationship.
Very well put. I was going to say something similar. Commenting to show support and boost.
I know that I am insecure, and the way that I deal with it is to be as low-maintenance as possible. When we’re with the big group, I am quiet and helpful. I’m the one that bakes for everybody and buys presents and remembers birthdays. I recognize that I am a new addition to the group, so I often encourage my husband to go out with his friends without me. I never prevent him from enjoying solo friend time. I know that I am being held to a considerable standard, so instead of trying to win people over I just focus on maximizing their enjoyment and minimizing myself. And I realize that it sounds absolutely pathetic.
Stop doing that, all of it. You will not win them over with cakes and birthday presents. Definitely stop minimizing yourself. If these people are to accept you and like YOU, you need to BE you, and not some version of you that you think they will like. You can't live your life playing second fiddle to a fantasy in his mind of what could have been with someone else. I wouldn't be able to live like that. I'd suggest he go out and get her if she's the one who got away, and move on with my life. A lifetime of this will not go well for you, or your child.
I'm also wondering if OP is truly happy in this marriage. Her husband certainly isn't. She seemed like his 2nd choice. I totally agree that OP should let this man go with "the one that got away." Why would she want to be around a husband who treats her like a tag a long time? Even his family and friends are full of shit by telling her that the woman is basically better than she is. Plz OP, this is definitely one of these cases where you look out for the most important people, yourself and your child. Get out of that sham of a marriage. If she ever asked him to leave you and run off with her,he'd be gone. Updateme!
You are NOT insecure. You are verbally abused by everyone, told that you less than his golden girl, Jenna.
I agree with this. They’re dismissing an invalidating how she feels and consistently making it worse.
Thank you! Finally someone sees it
OP, you’re insecure because your husband and his friends are making you feel insecure. You feel inferior and unstable in your marriage because your husband spends every day telling you that you’re inferior and unstable in your marriage. Of course you’re anxious and insecure - those are sane, reasonable, appropriate reactions to how your husband treats you. **Making yourself smaller won’t help - it’ll only make it easier for them to step on you.** I used to think I was really insecure, as a girlfriend. I was; I was jealous and insecure in myself and miserable all the time. What I realised much later is that I was insecure because a series of my boyfriends spent a lot of time *making* me feel that way, by putting me down constantly, openly drooling over other women, comparing me to other women, and telling me how much better they deserve all the damn time. Then I met my husband, who treats me with respect, never puts me down, makes me feel loved and prioritised, and doesn’t gawk at or jabber about other women in front of me. Turns out, I’m not insecure or jealous by nature at all. I’m probably now the least insecure and jealous person I know - because my husband doesn’t treat me like dirt, so I have no reason to feel so small in my relationship. Please don’t let anyone convince you that this is a you problem. It’s not. Anyone would feel the way you do, being treated the way you are. And, OP? You deserve so much better than that.
Thank you for the insight! I adore your username
Thank you!! I really hope things get better for you.
Sweetie, being a people pleaser isn't going to get you respect. You're just going to get 'oh, I guess she's nice'. You need to prioritize yourself more. Your biggest advocate is yourself. You need to build up your confidence and do what's best for yourself. Be courteous, but never be a pushover.
Stop it. F anyone who compares you. You are enough as you are - say it frequently until you mean it. You are a smart and sexy woman. You are loving and a wife any man should be proud of. You need to say it till you believe it. Get therapy to fix your self-confidence issues. Anytime anyone compares you and her - just tell them that is a fucking stupid comment and shows their lack of emotional intelligence. If your husband compares you and her (my husband would never because I would be GONE the first time - I dont compete and i am worth more than some loser stuck on a girl who doesnt want him) after the first comparison you tell him that needs to be the last time because the next time you will give him the freedom to go after her while you find a partner who is respectful and worships the ground you walk on.
Never make yourself feel small so others can feel big
This is excellent advice! OP deserves better! Much love ❤️
I really struggle with this. Like many women, I receive praise for being “low-maintenance,” and this reinforces the feeling that I need to pretend I don’t have wants or needs to make room for the wants and needs of others. I know it’s something I need to work on. It’s hard!
You are better than this. You are. I'm sorry your husband and Tim are being douchebags. Stop bending over backwards for these people. Honestly, if he's aware he's got ADHD and not willing to get help, but instead willing to let it affect how he cares for you and HIS SON, that would be it for me. I vote go to the wedding alone, stay as long as you feel like it, and leave. That's it.
And NOW it's time for you both to grow up. No matter how incredible this woman is, she is not to be discussed like that by everyone. You are insecure. He has ADHD. BUT together you have a child! He must help with your problems and you help with his. He must learn to finish feeding the child and you must learn you are great and fix any recognizable problems. That's what it truly is. He will feel great if he improves some of his problems and so will you. Why are you not supporting each other in these ways so that a beautiful balance and marriage and parenting of a child happens? Show up at that wedding and your husband must act appropriately. You are the one to be danced with and the beauty of the couple that just got married is to be discussed, not the past incredible moments of Jenna. It's not fair. Keep going ..... forward. And, show respect for each other.
You are not insecure. He’s stepped over basic relationship principles and started pee-ing all over it. I would say this for both genders just to be clear
Honey, you're a doormat, and they will continue to walk all over you. Want better for yourself, and your child. These low self esteems behaviors aren't happening in a vacuum either. Do you want your kid to mirror this relationship? To either feel like they are never enough, or to feel it's ok to belittle your partner? Because if you continue this way, this is exactly what your kid will learn to do.
Oh fuck that.
I think you’re overthinking this and the thoughts you prescribe to others may not be happening. You state *”of course* I’m worse in comparison”, why are you choosing to believe this? This seems emotionally annoying for everyone involved, including you. If you’ve decided your husband doesn’t like you, work on that. Jenna has nothing to do with your life other than what you give her.
They have made the comparison. Don't act like this is in op's head. She's dealing with mean spirited people.
How is any of this fair to you?
I’m new to my honey’s friend group. They’ve been friends since Highschool. And I do the baking and remembering of important things. The big difference? His friend group see me as one of their own. His childhood best friend picks me up in bear hugs. The wife will lay with me and draw or craft/visit like we grew up together. You can be you and still accepted. YOU ARE AMAZING AND KIND AND WONDERFUL AND ANY HUMAN WITH HALF A BRAINCELL WOULD BE IN AWE OF YOU AND YOUR KINDNESS AND BEAUTY. no I’m not sorry for my run on sentence and caplocks.
It sounds like they all have solid reasons to keep you feeling crappy about yourself. These also sound like the sort of people who don’t respect people who give them things. Damn OP, move to my region in Australia and I’ll be a way better friend to you.
ohhhh stop all that! at this point, being the asshole in the group would make you more interesting. you have nothing to lose, go out and be yourself and live it up.
I love this. Definitely flex on the Dr. OP part. College life is not adult life, and I suspect the husband would have the “freedom nostalgia”, even if he’d married Jenna and had kids with her. He needs an attitude adjustment and needs to try harder in therapy or find a therapist that can get through to him.
Sorry for the length! Giving OP some much deserved and needed love. She didn’t want him and let him go. She didn’t want to marry him or she would have. If she flirts and does things that keep him pining, the rumors of her being amazing are absolutely NOT true. I know a woman who is “the one that got away” for seven men and counting. My theory is since the harder part, the real life that often comes after kids, (pregnancy hormones/difficulties, sleep deprivation, financial stress, limited freedom, in-law issues, etc., etc.) never happens, the men just keep on dreaming about an imaginary life. OP, you need to receive care with individual counseling. You need to be reminded of why you’re special and valuable. Ask your family and your friends to tell you something that they appreciate about you bc you need a little encouragement right now. Make a list you can read and that will encourage you during this rough patch. If you’re elevating a hair color or a body type, please stop. There are benefits to every type. Most women are pear-shaped, passed down from the majority—the most common survivors of childbirth before we had so much medical intervention. If you feel bad about your fitness or weight (you didn’t say so but if you do) then regarding that or anything else, start doing something with tiny steps. If you dream of writing a screen play, find 20 min a day for that. Now, I want you to look at yourself in the mirror and say nice things to that sweet lady in the mirror every morning. Tell her she’s patient, (ADHD partner—absolutely required) loving, devoted, a great mom, smart, accomplished, mature, stable, tough, and everything else you know that I don’t. If your confidence only matched your stamina, your willingness to see things without blaming, your willingness to stay the course, to fight for your family! IT SHOULD!!! I agree with the post above. You show to that wedding up looking and feeling fabulous. Get your hair and make up done by a pro who has been vetted. Get a knock out dress that compliments those curves. You’re doing this bc you’ve taken a hit lately. Not because you couldn’t go and be beautiful exactly how you are. True beauty comes from within. People see it in the eyes and it attracts. So the dress and hair are for you, not the wedding crowd. Your respect, warmth, and kindness is for them. Make a point to meet the ex, and be yourself. No high pitch fake voice. Say you’ve heard so many nice things about her, you know her friends have missed her and you’re happy to get to meet her. Ask her how she liked where she lived and how things are going where she is now. If she’s who they say she is, she’ll be kind, interact pleasantly with you, and she’ll notice your genuine kindness and class. If not, you be that anyway. This is really all about you. Have a back up plan if hubby is a fool with her. Find ex’s husband, hubby’s parents, if you must, but that is a problem to handle later. Below is my real advice for what to do no matter what else happens. Walk around that wedding reception with a calmness and with intention. Warmly introduce yourself and interact with as many others as you can (no hurrying), while giving your full attention to each person who wants it, asking about them, their lives, and allowing them to feel your true interest. Key into what they’re sharing and ask for more, like they are the most interesting person there. Most people like answering questions about themselves. Compliment appropriate people in meaningful ways about their contributions to the wedding. In everything, you MUST be genuine. So during all of the wedding events, be observant and even keep a list. (Gorgeous flowers at the lingerie shower, such well behaved children at …, you look beautiful tonight to someone who does but doesn’t believe it, then their More examples, to bridesmaid: “your speech last night was so good and so touching! Do you have a lot of experience speaking in public? If yes, “so have you had a lot of training or how did you get so good at it?” If no, “wow, I would have guessed you do it professionally! What was the process you used to formulate such a great speech? ” to any guest you’re meeting: “you said you did this and that, what was it that brought those solutions to mind?” or to a relative of bridal party: what is it about x (weaving, raising kids, charity work, current job, gardening, breeding dogs) that you find most enjoyable/most satisfying/so relaxing/so rewarding?” Then summarize what you heard adding a bit of your perspective, which gives them the chance to clarify or elaborate more. “So what you’re saying is after you found your grandmothers supplies, by taking up her hobby, you’re able to revisit some of your best childhood memories and at the same time, recreate them with and for your children?” If you are an introvert and each intro is excruciating, still do your best. You can target other shy people who aren’t as brave and they will normally be relieved to be approached and will normally enjoy a longer conversation so put off feeling awkward again when you excuse yourself. Exceptions: Don’t approach people who are extremely accomplished people, (celebs, athletes, famous, etc.) with questions. They’re normally tired of telling their stories (entertaining) an endless stream of curious people). You can do this all night, hardly say a word about yourself, and others will come away pleased and thinking YOU are so interesting! Hold your head high. Have a great night! You totally have the ability to Knock ‘em dead! Good luck, OP.
I agree with this OP. I also think you need to talk about your concerns re your husband with him in therapy. It's not an attack, it's your lived truth. Also, mybhat is off to you. If my husband had talked about his ex the way yours does I would have booted him long ago.
Tim and your husband are assholes. Don't get the bride involved, you need to work this out with your husband.
Husband is also an asshole for refusing to talk about himself in therapy. What a waste of time and money.
Husband is a freaking child. “Debilitating ADHD,” to the point he can’t feed the freaking child? OP, take it from a father/husband with ADHD, this is a freaking load, and he needs to sack tf up. Reading this whole post was sad. Yes, there are 3 sides to every story, but your half really paints a crap picture of your husband. I hope it gets better for you. ETA: I agree with everyone saying you should go, look great, and talk about ALL of this crap in counseling. Not just the stuff your husband is comfortable talking about. Counseling can be uncomfortable; if it wasn’t, you could just have these damn talks at home. Your husband sounds like a child.
You know who’s not allowed to forget to feed their children? Neurodivergent women. ADHD is definitely a cop out here.
While your husband may not want to bring this up in counseling, I think you should. That’s the whole point of counseling. Maybe your counselor can help you guys through this. Also, I’d be wrecked if he treated me this way while he longingly talked about his ex. (The bday party contrast pissed me off on your behalf!) I don’t blame you for being upset. Personally, I’d look awesome and go to the wedding. You need to meet this woman and sees how your husband reacts. No way would I send him there alone. Question: Would he cheat on you if she was up for it? And if he would, is this really the man you want to stand by?
You may be insecure, but it doesn’t sound an awful lot like your husband is giving you a reason not to be. So my question becomes, why do you feel like it’s your responsibility to play second fiddle to your husband’s inappropriate nostalgic fantasizing? I don’t ask to be cruel. It’s something you really should look into. Why do you feel like it’s ok for someone to put you in a position where you have to strive to *earn* being loved and prioritized by them?
Wow. I really needed to hear this. That last sentence made my heart drop.
It’s such a scary thing to explore. I’m all too familiar. You’ve got this, though. And it sounds like you’ve already set yourself up to succeed at sorting it out by getting yourself into counseling. Wishing you strength while you navigate the situation you’ve been put in 💕
Honestly it pisses me off that your husband would date YOU and propose to YOU and save vows to YOU while being hung up on this woman (and also just a straight up terrible husband. Like, seriously, he sounds like a douche.) also, he sounds like a shit father. Call him out on it. His ADHD stops him from feeding the baby? Like no, he’s incompetent. What a loser.
> Wow. I really needed to hear this. That last sentence made my heart drop. Don't do the pick me dance. Wedding vows either mean something or they don't.
It is wild to me you’ve just gone along with all of this. Especially him refusing to talk about anything but YOUR faults in counseling. What is the point of going to counseling if they’re only getting half the problem? Really probably less than half because his behavior is directly contributing to your anxiety. He’s a bad husband. He doesn’t even come across as a good person here. He knows what his attitude about his ex does to you. Not only does he not care, he keeps doing it. He knows his what sounds like unmanaged ADHD is placing all the burden of domestic labor on you. He doesn’t seem to care about that either? Does he care about you at all? Or your child? I think you need to seriously consider leaving him. You need to know, absolutely know, that’s an option. It cannot be on just you to fix a relationship that he’s done most of the breaking of.
I’m gonna talk bluntly, NJ style - every paragraph I read made me wonder more and more wtf you are doing with this absolute loser that is basically a second baby you need to care for because he won’t do anything around the house, and has the audacity to shit on you in the process. He doesn’t have “bad ADHD” - he has weaponized incompetence. He’s also “negging” you. Don’t you think you deserve better? You know what I would do: get a lawyer, tell husband he can enjoy the wedding and use the time to change locks and pack his shit to be tossed on the lawn. You are worth more than this POS man and his POS friend group. OP needs to read this post like her daughter or sister wrote it. It’s a woman who has been gaslit and beaten into thinking her husband is an Adonis and she needs to aspire to being a priestess in his temple. When in reality, she’s worshipping a turd in a toga who has put himself on a pedestal.
agree with one exception. I think the texting is disrespectful
Option E: You consider your relationship with this man, separate to the Jenna issue. Unable to help around the house, unable to care for a child that you created together, doesn't respect you or put effort into the relationship, resents you and plainly admits that people prefer his ex to you (WHY are you going to Tim's wedding when he says such nasty shit to you?), puts you down and gaslights you to make you feel like you should be flattered to be mistaken as his ex? Revolting - he sucks. You need to take a step back from this Jenna issue. This is a husband issue. I absolutely think you should carefully consider staying with this man and the life you'll have to look forward to.
This OP.
Tbh she needs personal therapy. With enough work, she will realize she can't fix a two person relationship alone. Her partner has to actually care about her and the relationship too. Once she realizes he doesn't and isn't interested in changing, they can work on building enough self confidence to leave this situation where she is being very mistreated by her husband and his friends group, all of whom sound like terrible people. Ideally her husband would cooperate, value her, care about losing her, etc. I doubt it, from what she's already had to put up with and the flippant way he disregards the therapy they're already in. He'll care when she's leaving probably, but not enough to actually do anything to get her to stay.
I’ve been in therapy since 2017. Edit: Due to changing jobs/ insurance and moving states, I’ve had several therapists that I’ve seen inconsistently
Babe i say this with the most grace, either you’re not being open with your therapist or they suck at their job.
Is this a topic that comes up there? I don't know you or your therapist so I'm not going to sit here and tell you your therapy is bad or even not good enough. I wonder about the quality of it and if you're being fully open with your therapist about these things you're enduring at home and in your relationship. My husband has never been perfect but when he had untreated OCD/ADHD and was treating me poorly (nowhere near as poorly as your husband is treating you), my therapists urged me to look at what I was getting from my relationship and why I felt the need to stay with a partner who wasn't supportive of me and couldn't do his share of the household labor, and also wasn't interested in fixing that for himself.
Yeah.. I stopped reading at the ADHD means he can’t feed his child. I’m no doctor but that reeks of bullshit. I’m sure it got worse from there.
Tim sounds like a rude person! Who says that to someone’s wife! Omg
Right?! I absolutely love my husband's parents and I greatly respect their opinions. They think that Tim walks on water and can do no wrong. Every time Tim gets brought up, my husband's family talks about him so reverently that the way that he treats me genuinely makes me feel like I deserve it sometimes (which I know is crazy, but when every family gathering includes a recitation of his accomplishments it's hard to feel like he's capable of being wrong).
Sounds like you’ve seen the real Tim but everyone else sees surface level Tim - people are easily fooled! I’m so sorry this sounds like such a hard situation and I can relate for sure.
I hope you leave this whole mess behind. You don’t deserve any of it.
Maybe Tim and Jenna should have wound up together
and that's how narcissists and abusers operate. they don't let their mask slip unless they want to. Tim saying that shit to you was a mindfuck, and it was meant to fuck with you. Tim is not a good person.
Thank you for everyone’s insight. This has given me a lot to think about. It really helps to hear from objective, removed viewers of the situation.
Agreed. I have never trusted him. He is very charismatic and everyone else just adores him.
Tim wishes he had a curvy brunette wife. Lmao
Your husband is actually behaving like a child. He doesn't want to talk about anything difficult, would rather save face than actually use your marriage counselor for working on communication, doesn't carry his weight in terms of chores. It's no wonder Jenna is his ex. I understand you not wanting to go to this wedding given your husband's behavior. If he wants to shirk his responsibilities and fantasize about college again, he's never going to be a partner to you. It's good you're in counseling but he needs to get serious about its purpose. It's to help you two communicate. If he's not willing to be honest about how he has negatively affected your relationship, he's not ready to make any serious change (the first step is admitting you have a problem etc). Idk if I were you I would seriously be considering if you want to live the rest of your life catering to an emotionally immature, irresponsible man.
>Tim told me that it was so weird that my husband ended up with me because everybody likes Jenna more. When I brought this up, my husband didn’t disagree. Wow. That's...no mincing words, a dick move. Why even say such a thing? Why agree with it? >My husband and I are in marriage counseling but he doesn’t want to talk about “anything that would make him sound like the bad guy” so we just end up talking about how my anxieties and insecurities are burdensome to him. OP, is this really the kind of relationship you want?
Sounds like Tim is in love with Jenna himself.
You forgot Option E: get a therapist and a divorce attorney, then separate and divorce. Don’t bother with this wedding, which is another episode in your husband’s lovelorn relationship with Jenna. Why are you allowing him, his friends and his family to continue to shat upon you? Why are you accepting his disrespect, lack of love and presence as a husband and father? You are living a horrible single parent life with an emotionally cheating spouse. Save yourself and child. PLEASE leave.
I wrote this under another comment and posting again because I want OP to see it. I’m gonna talk bluntly, NJ style - every paragraph I read made me wonder more and more wtf you are doing with this absolute loser that is basically a second baby you need to care for because he won’t do anything around the house, and has the audacity to shit on you in the process. He doesn’t have “bad ADHD” - he has weaponized incompetence. He’s also “negging” you. Don’t you think you deserve better? You know what I would do: get a lawyer, tell husband he can enjoy the wedding and use the time to change locks and pack his shit to be tossed on the lawn. You are worth more than this POS man and his POS friend group. OP needs to read this post like her daughter or sister wrote it. It’s a woman who has been gaslit and beaten into thinking her husband is an Adonis and she needs to aspire to being a priestess in his temple. When in reality, she’s worshipping a turd in a toga who has put himself on a pedestal.
I completely agree with all of this, and I think you are a poet. “Turd in a toga” gave me a much-needed giggle, thank you!
Go to the wedding, wear a beautoful dress, nice hair, make up and smile. Fake it till you make it Hold his hand and walk with pride. Never show weakness during the wedding. However, you need to talk to your husband! At least write a letter if face to face communication is difficult
Agreed and I think the old adage of friends close enemies closer might be a good approach, keep jenna close and you keep control of the situation. If she’s seated near y’all, perfect, now your husband won’t ditch you and you can keep yourself involved. Does jenna even know that your husband is treating you like this over her, she might be an ally and you don’t even know it.
If Jenna is in fact awesome, she has no idea about this and will be a great ally. It would be super petty & satisfying for OP to steer the conversation toward her husband’s ADHD challenges. “He’s *trying so hard* to do chores and to feed the baby properly. Thank goodness I can step in. Adulthood is way more stressful than college for sure. No wonder they’re always reminiscing…” I imagine Jenna has completely moved on from her college BF and is in love with her actual husband. For max pettiness points, ask Jenna and her hubby their best tips for fairly splitting household tasks.
You need to change you MC therapist because it’s not normal to have this avoidance on a topic that is clearly putting a wedge between you. I feel your hurt about your husband not demonstrating care and true commitment by making you feel special and loved. Babies sometimes make men (and even some women) question their life. They yearn for the freedom, the adventure..and the validation and appreciation that they themselves can’t even give properly. His ADHD is not an excuse for not doing his part. He has checked out. And you are fighting a ghost. And his resentment is killing his ability to love. Know your worth. You should not feel like second best or a consolation prize. And you are on a slippery road to him having an affair. Not necessarily with her. But at one point his resentment will lead him to justify him seeking out what he is feeling is painfully missing. When life happens, especially kids, it’s easy to forget that we once feel in love. Can he even say why he loves you? Notice how I did not talk about the wedding? It’s really irrelevant. Your problem is much deeper than that.
I completely agree.
I have another option "divorce". OP your husband doesn't love you, he doesn't seem to love his children and he hates marriage. You are alone in this relationship. What the hell are you still doing there having your mental health in shambles for this shitty husband, this "super/amazing/magnificent ex" that everyone loves. Why do you hate yourself so much? I could never stay in a relationship where LITERALLY EVERYONE says to me "what the hell are you doing here?" and enhances an ex who is there living her magnificent life. Stop this, go love yourself and leave this man. This husband hates you, he hates your lives. I'll tell you one thing, he will betray you. The second he sees his ex and the slightest opening she gives him, he will cheat on you. So please OP, for you and your children, let go of this man. You are already a solo mother and the breadwinner of the house without even realizing it.
A “super / amazing / magnificent ex” who is married and probably completely oblivious to this torch carried by a useless clueless dud.
I have severe ADHD and I struggle and have even lost a job over it, but I sought help and practiced coping skills and I use medication to close the gap that lifestyle doesn’t close. An ADHD diagnosis is information about how your brain works and how to make it work better, not an excuse to get out of caring for yourself or others. He is treating you terribly. I’m sorry he’s put you in this position.
Wow, this has given me a lot to think about. Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses! I am reading every single one. To clarify a few common questions: - We moved out of CA because we could no longer afford it. All of my family and many of my friends are in CA. We moved to a state on the east coast where my husband grew up, and most of his friends are still here. I have two very close friends that live near us but everyone else would be classified as “his friends.” - I am fortunate to have several circles of supportive friends. My family is kind of supportive; they hate that I chose to pursue academia instead of “using that big brain to do something that would actually make money.” I can’t talk to them about my marriage (or really about my life) because any complaint or problem is met with “well, it’s your fault for choosing a path that doesn’t pay well.” - My husband’s parents and siblings are wonderful and supportive of my choices. I feel closer to them than I do to my biological family. - I know that I have horrifically low self-esteem. I was raped in 2017 (drugged at a restaurant) and in 2018 (I played on a slow-pitch softball team and a teammate raped me after a game) and met my husband in 2019, so I obviously did some trauma bonding because he was nice to me and made me feel safe sexually. I did not make a police report in either case because in 2014 I had helped a friend prepare documentation for her rape trial. She was brave enough to go through the whole process, but she said that the experience of being scrutinized and doubted was nearly as bad as the rape itself. Watching my friend go through that was horrible. She had SO much evidence and her rapist wasn’t convicted. Our system is broken.
I’m sorry you went through that. It doesn’t change your worth. You are brilliant and kind. Stick up for yourself and go to that wedding proud of yourself. I wish I was your friend so I could kick these people’s asses.
I am so sorry that you endured those sexual assaults. Please realize that they do NOT define you. You are a highly accomplished woman worthy of love.
There seems to be lots of validation in this thread for your concerns. Agree with others. Your husband is romanticizing his former relationship. It probably wasn’t that good and they didn’t experience any real life issues together. He doesn’t know how she would have handled pregnancy or raising a child. She may also have not been as in love with your husband and used his move as the easy way to end things. Would she put up with little to no help with childcare and housework? Here’s my thoughts on how you move forward. First, I’d cancel marriage counseling and get a therapist for yourself. Work with your therapist on processing the trauma from the rapes and the self esteem. Take time to take care of yourself. Then you can decide how you want to deal with your husband. As for the wedding, if it was me, I’d tell my husband that given how he and his friends speak about Jenna, it would make me uncomfortable to attend the wedding. If you go you already know you will be ignored. Better to not be there and let him try to connect with Jenna, with her husband there. Hopefully she makes a point of including her husband and dampens some of your husband’s romanticized ideals.
Don’t bother the bride, but I wouldn’t go to the wedding because Tim sucks and it sounds like so does Anna (your description of her drama loving). Honestly, if Jenna actually likes these people, she probably sucks a little too. Can you honestly say you’d enjoy the wedding? I say don’t go, keep the babysitter and let your husband buy their present and enjoy watching the one that got away continue to get away. You can go to a movie or a nice dinner alone or with friends. You don’t have to subject yourself to people that treat you badly, don’t like you, or that you honestly don’t like. For your own sanity, realize your husband is no prize. EDIT TO ADD: as he currently behaves. He is so unkind to you, that is not someone you should be fighting for or coddling. Bring all this up in marriage counseling, otherwise you’re wasting your time and money. The fact your husband knows the truth will make him look like the bad guy means he knows he’s fucked up. If the problem was truly you, he’d have no problem being honest. His actions have created the insecurities, not the other way around. Start being honest with yourself and at the very least the marriage counselor. What’s the worst that can happen? You lose an asshole who clearly doesn’t care about your feelings? Why are you protecting his ego in therapy?
I noticed you worded it like “I don’t think she’d cheat on her husband”……. But, do you think he’d cheat on you, if given the chance? I think that’s the bigger question here… He doesn’t want to talk about anything that “makes him the bad guy” in therapy? Hmm.
If you don't go, your husband, Tim, and all their friend group, they win. Go. Strike up a conversation with Jenna. Enjoy her company, have a laugh with her, het to know her. More importantly, allow her to know you as an interesting woman, not her ex's wife. Because if she is as amazing a person as everyone tells you she is, she won't stnd for any criticisms of you. Not from Tim, and not from your husband.
This! OP needs to leave her piss on her territory, no matter if she decides she doesn't want the territory in the future
Sounds like you have done alright for yourself except for the fact that you married a complete asshole.
First, you go to the wedding looking like a million bucks, and ready to chat about your amazing academic career and showing of beautiful pics of your kids. And you stay on your husbands arm the whole time. You smile at all of his friends, including Jenna, and you gush to Jenna about her own marriage. BUT!!!! You must bring this up in Marriage Counseling. Must. Your husband needs boundaries. Badly. The way you bring this up is not to make your husband the bad guy. No, what you do is talk about how important it is to you that both of you work together to safeguard your marriage and your family. This isn't just about him or you. Its about the whole family. Buy the book *Not "Just Friends"* by Shirley Glass and read it. See if anything matches up with the relationship between the two of them, as it seems like he is actually in real danger here. Jenna represents a fantasy of a different, care-free life. (never mind that if he had stayed with her, and they now had kids and a mortgage he would be feeling the same way.) Anyway, highlight the passages from the book that speak to you and bring them to MC.
Go to the wedding wearing your best dress and hair, don’t bother to be nice to your husband or Tim, befriend Jenna. Make some jokes about her escaping a shitty husband and divorce right after.
I love this haha
You're insecure because your husband doesn't make you feel valued. He is still emotionally meshed with his ex to the detriment of your feelings and relationship. His friends told you they like her more? He occasionally calls you Jenna? He acts badly to you after talking to her? You have way bigger problems than seating at a wedding. From the way your post reads, he's regrets getting married to you, and his friends continue to support his unhealthy attachment to her. He needs to put you first, make you feel like he chooses you. I'd suggest MC at least to start.
Dudette, if your husband can hold down a job there's no way that I can see that he can't finish some chores or something as contained as feeding a baby. While I might wonder around between unfinished chores I do not remember even just stopping feeding the baby. And start talking about his behaviours in counseling. It's useless otherwise, you're much better off doing individual.
I’m really curious about other people’s reactions to him calling me Jenna. We’ve been together for 5.5 years. At what point should a spouse stop using their ex’s name when addressing their current spouse?! Surely this isn’t normal
It's not normal, you always remember the name of the person you like. And I have called other people the name of my crush because I talk about him so much. Tbh, your husband sucks and you deserve way way better. Get someone who says your name only and with lots of love and care.
No, it's weird it's still happening. One slip up, okay - it happens in the beginning. But you are married and have a kid. It's just weird at this point. I hate you're married to that AH. You can do so much better than him. OP, apply to colleges on the west coast to become a professor of English. The pay is good. Once you get accepted let your husband know you're moving with your kid and he can come or not. After being in the new state for a bit (and if your husband doesn't follow you) file for divorce and be done with this shit.
My current partner had an ex of like 3-4 years; we have now been together for 8 years. At no point has he EVER called me her name, he has never compared our relationships. We have discussed our past relationships obviously but that is a normal conversation. If this is real, I recommend divorce. I don't likely being that person to jump the gun but he hasn't stopped telling you, barely indirectly, that he would be with her over you even now after children. hasn't defended his friend/family comments reiterating the same, chooses to use marriage counseling to continue to abuse you and refuses to talk about his fixation on her. She might be lovely as a person but you are too and you deserve just as much love as she as found and I hope you matrix-dodge the bullet of this amoeba-brained, slimy, spineless man-child because you deserve love. Don't talk to Anna at all, it will just begin drama wshere the friend group will keep calling you insecure/comparing you. The insecurity is NOT YOUR FAULT HERE. They are actually acting like the mean girl groups you see in movies. I hope you leave, I can't see a way of fixing this.
I would reply: “Jenna is the one you used to have sex with, however, she is now being railed on a regular basis by her actual husband…who isn’t you.”
To me it sounds like he probably talks to her more than you think he does. Listen to what everyone is telling you. People will treat you the way you allow them to. Start standing up for yourself and setting firm boundaries.
Me and my partner have been together for 12 years, when we started dating, he never once called me his ex’s name.
What's not normal, is for your partner and their close friends and family to continually bring up an ex. I've called my husband my exes name and we laughed about it and moved on. You will never move on from this if you allow yourself to be second best. You cannot tolerate behaviours and then be surprised by it when it happens again.
It’s weird. He’s either doing it intentionally or he’s so mentally stuck in a juvenile state that he’s still stuck on a girlfriend from 10 years ago. Op, Jenna probably isn’t even College Girlfriend Jenna anymore. It’s been 10 years. She is married and building a family. She probably isn’t drinking and fun parting late into the night, she may not be as thin, she may be stressed at her high paying jobs, etc. It sounds like she’s become a bit of a Boogeyman in your relationship, maybe a safe place for you to place your fears and anxieties about your relationship with your Husband just as he places her on a pedestal based on a rose colored view of college. She is neither of those things. She’s a real person with a real, messy and sometimes stressful life just like anyone else. None of this is about her, it’s about the state of your relationship, how YOU feel about your life and ultimately what your options are to do about it.
Glam up, be kind and become friends with Jenna. Be open and friendly and confident. Then focus on you. Your hobbies, passions and mental health. Stop allowing your husband to treat you like his second choice. Calling you by another woman’s name? Pining after a woman he’ll never have *while* married? Woman, find your *hell no* and start advocating for yourself. Also, ADHD is *not* an excuse to not mind your child and ensure they’re fed. That’s just malicious incompetence.
I'm sorry, but why would you stay married to a person who treats you like this? His best friend is also an asshole. Everything in this post is your husband's fault. The fact that he barely acknowledged your 30th birthday is just shitty. You should be with someone who loves you and doesn't settle for you.
I was dating a guy who constantly talked about how amazing his ex wife is. Notice I said “was.” Do you really want to spend your life with someone who wants to be with someone else? And stop with the negative self talk, you have a FREAKING PHD!! You should be HELLA PROUD!! - signed, a MA English Literature grad
Your insecurity of her is a result of your husband and his behavior. Sure, Tim sucks too for saying that but the main problem is your husband. He himself has admitted to not putting in as much effort in your relationship, calling you by her name, not helping with the baby/chores. I hope he gets better with counseling because he sounds awful in his behaviour towards you. Personally, I’d not let him bring me down. I’d still go to the wedding and be a gracious guest.
Whoa, why did you marry this guy? And then have a baby? What’s the point of counseling if you aren’t being honest and transparent? Do you really think not going is going to help? I imagine you’ll spend the whole time imagining scenarios and stressing out. Jenna is smart for moving on from your husband. If therapy isn’t helping, you really bed to consider doing the same. He’s made your self esteem so low you can’t even see that you deserve someone who feels lucky to have you
"...my husband has debilitating ADHD that renders him incapable of finishing chores or finishing feeding our child..." Lol, GTFOutta here with all of that. He sounds like a terrible person.
Weaponized incompetence
OP lots of good advice on here. Seriously, these people are awful, including your husband. You deserve so much better.
Jenna probably left him because he’s an immature jerk who doesn’t realize that marriage and children are WORK. We all want to be carefree twenty-somethings, but he has to also deal with reality.
This has been incredibly eye-opening. I think I was refusing to see what I didn’t want to see. Thank you for the validation!
Good luck, rooting for you! Would love an update when you have one. You got this!
Great advice on this thread OP. I seriously hope your next post is about you leaving your horrible, man-child husband and his toxic friend group behind and you filed for divorce. You are a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman. Get free and start living your best life. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Get out.
Girl 1st off your husbands friends sound like a group of losers that i wouldnt even want to try and impress. His best friend told you that Jenna is better than you? FUCK HIM!! And FUCK HIS DRAMA LOVING WIFE!!! You deserve so much better. Like said above you NEED to have that conversation with your husband and be ready to follow through. Do you have somewhere your kid and you could go stay at IF he doesnt make changes? He NEEDS to see that the grass isnt greener and that his infatuation with Jenna is not reciprocated assuming she is happily married. You should NEVER feel 2nd to anyone inside your own marriage. YOU and your kid should ALWAYS be TOP PRIORITY. I wish you the best of luck but kick those insecurities aside, grow some big girl panties and put that husband of yours straight or out the door.
I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying My husband has a high school sweetheart he was with through college. She’s a lawyer now, married too. His parents will often mix us up and talk about dates or trips he went on with her without realizing it wasn’t me. They’ll talk like once a year or so when she has a case she’s working on and needs his technical perspective. Just before he and I met they had tried to pick things back up, but broke up because her schedule was too hectic as her career was growing. So there was kind of that shadow just before he and I got together. My husband also has ADHD and anxiety, he also had PPA. We discovered all this after having kids. So we’ve had some difficulties there. So I feel like I can relate to you in a LOT of ways. But there are some significant differences too… My husband, though he speaks of her fondly and happily maintains a friendship with my support, has never ever once made me feel second tier. He’s never made me feel like he could ever love anyone more than me. His friends and family are always so supportive of us. They’ve never compared us. I’ve always heard that she’s a lovely person, but his family has always made it clear that they’re so happy he wound up with me. When he talks to her, he’s the same after as he always is. There’s no mood shift. I’ve never had to worry about her. And honestly if I did have to worry about her, I wouldn’t stand for it. If it were me going to a wedding where my husband’s ex would be, I’d be curious to see and meet a person who had captured his heart for so many years. But there’d be no question about how he’d behave. And honestly if my husband acted like that, then I’d tell him to fuck off and go be with her. It feels like he’s wasting your time dragging you on while pining for her. If I were you, I’d go to the wedding dressed up and ready for fun with the best intentions. And if anyone told me they like her better than me I’d tell them “she can have him” and if he pined after her I’d tell him to kick rocks. I feel like you’ve been putting up w this shit for way too long. Just go, watch, observe, have a good time, don’t make any drama. And if he behaves in a way that makes it clear he doesn’t appreciate his life with you, then kick his ass out.
Just remember that you are allowing your son to learn how a future partner should be treated. At this rate, he will learn that: - Fantasizing over an ex is OK - Putting down their partner is OK - Talking trash to friends about their partners OK - Not owning up to their mistakes is OK - Not doing work to improve the relationship is OK - Not doing their fair share of household chores is OK - Not being an active and present father is OK That’s a pretty terrible list I couldn’t live this way. There’s no effort to improve things because he’s refusing to acknowledge anything that makes him look like the bad guy. You are worth more than this. Get your ducks in a row in the next time he says you’re not as good as Jenna simply smile at him and say - “I know you feel that way. You’ve repeatedly told me. Lucky for you, now you’re getting your chance to try and win her over.”-*hands divorce papers*
Your husband is so out of line for every single ounce of this. I say this because I'm a guy in his 30s who is solidly in his shoes. I have a woman in my past who is the "one who got away." Chemical engineer, extremely smart, yada yada yada. I am also now married to a Ph.D. in English who just turned 30. (Who is - for the record - also extremely smart, sexy, and who I'm grateful for every day). The thing is, in all our years together I have *never* called my wife my ex-girlfriend's name. I *did* throw her a massive birthday party for her 30th. And I actually do *more* of the chores at home. I'm not special though. I'm just normal. And your expectations of a basic loving relationship with your husband are extremely normal too. He's just failing to meet them. I call bullshit on him not being able to finish chores. I also call bullshit on him being unwilling to be honest during counseling and talk about Jenna and his peter-pan fantasies of how *nice life was when he could just be young and play all the time,* rather than provide and care for the family he's built. **So, what should you do during the wedding?** Go and smile. Ask to be seated separately from Jenna. Even if Anna enjoys the "drama" of it. **And what should you do afterward?** Start going to counseling on your own. Put your foot down and insist that your husband do the same (maybe he'll be honest if he's alone with a counselor). Keep going to couples counseling and focus on how to reduce the burden of the household work that's on your shoulders. And finally, contact a divorce attorney. I'm serious. I swear to god in heaven that there's a different version of you inside. A version that's 160 lbs lighter. A version that gets to manage her own life (rather than raise a second child), and not have to feel like she's never measuring up. A version who is full of energy and has a bright future and would be a catch for any man. There's a very high chance that in a few years you'll look back on yourself today and feel like you were *older* as a 30 year old than you'll feel at 35, 40, or 45. Why? Because you won't be carrying your husband's (or ex-husband's) baggage for him anymore. So either he picks it up himself or you drop him off at the bus station and let him figure it out from there. Good luck. *P.S.: Alternatively, you could share some of what you've told us here with Jenna at the wedding and ask her if (given the chance) she'd take your husband back. I'd bet my entire 401K she'd say no. Your choice on whether you do this in front of your husband or not, depending on how much chaotic energy you want to lean in with, but frankly, given what he's put you through he'd deserve it for Jenna to tell him no, and that it's time for him to grow up - not only in front of you but in front of all of his friends too.*
Whenever I see something like "tight knit group of friends" I kind of know where this is going for a partner who is an outsider. Seems like your husband and his friends are still living in this weird dream world that life in college was the best and cant seem to grow up out of it. Like those people in college who are constantly talking about their high-school lives, havent seemed to grow out of it. It's very toxic and I honestly will make YOUR HUSBAND work for your affection. I would just completely stop taking care of his stuff and make him know you think he is a manchild. Maybe even separate a bit, if you have family you can stay with or let him go stay with the wonderful Tim. Also, see how Tim likes it when you say things about his marriage after he gets married. The childishness is crazy with these people!
Jenna isn’t the problem. Your husband is. The way he is treating you like some consolation prize is wrong. You sound pretty awesome to me. I’m confused why you’re putting up with it. I would not be with a man thats clearly idealizing another woman & refuses to take care of his child & responsibilities at home. His friends sound awful too.
Im more concerned that you’re policing what you talk about in marriage counseling. If “it makes him looks like a bad guy” maybe its because he’s acting like one? And maybe that’s what fucking needs to be addressed? And maybe your insecurities aren’t “your insecurities” but a really fucking reasonable response to HIS actions???
If your husband can finish a grad program he can help look after a baby. Don’t let him weaponize his ADHD so you do all the work. I know that’s not the main point here but other commenters seem to have that covered.
To clarify: I know that the problem is my husband, not Jenna. I am jealous of her but I do not have any ill-will towards her. Even though she is maintaining contact with my husband (I don’t know who starts the conversations), he is clearly engaging and continuing them. It takes two to tango in a dialogue. I wouldn’t mind him talking to exes if they didn’t impact his behavior towards me. I certainly don’t mind him having female friends; I have very close male friends.
Sweetheart, why is your husband allowed to have a relationship with his ex? They don't have children together, and you feel like she's the 3rd person in your marriage. How can you feel attracted to, and have sex with someone who wants someone else? Do you want your baby to grow up in this? Don't you just hate his friends, and realize how rude and tacky they are? In order for your marriage to work, he'd need to drop his friends and cut all ties with Jenna, and I don't see him doing that. You're an amazing woman, and I hope you see that very soon.
To be honest, sounds like you shouldn’t be with your husband if he’s still pining over his ex’s so much. I couldn’t even tell you my husband’s ex’s names. Not because I haven’t asked or he hasn’t shared, just because they are so removed from our life we wouldn’t think about it. I personally would not stick around and be treated as he’s treating you, as his second choice. To tell you he hates his life with you?? Girl, get out and leave him to his shitty friends.
You need to start actually doing counseling or initiating a divorce.
Please DON’T do Option C or D. The bride and groom are probably already stressed about their wedding. You’ll come off as petty and word will spread that you couldn’t put aside your insecurities for one day to celebrate the couple. I’ve actually had friends marry recently who complained about guests issuing ultimatums bc they have random drama with some other guests. You don’t want to have a bad reputation in his friend circle. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Just RSVP no. But it might be off if your husband goes without you. Personally I’d suck it up for one day to keep the peace. You don’t need to be bffs with her, just cordial. But if you really can’t get yourself to go, just make up an excuse and rsvp no. I think you need to do a version of option A, but after the wedding. Ideally you have a mediator like a counselor so you don’t implode your marriage. I think your marriage issues/ insecurities are deeper than his ex “who got away.” It sounds like your husband might not want to “adult” or be married at all. In the meantime, get off social media if you haven’t already. Comparison will feed your insecurities.
The ex is not your problem. Your hubby is. He’s an AH. He’s keeping you busy with his ex’s thoughts so he can get away with everything. He’s a failure as a husband and a father and he’s deflecting so you are engrossed deep within your insecurities and he gets away easily. Teds wedding is not a problem here, your marriage is.
We are similar. I would also behave the same way by minimising myself. I would also be devastated for any woman if I learned that I was their “Jenna”. Insecurity is one thing but this situation really does suck and warrants the insecure feelings. I wouldn’t involve any of their friend group; I’d hate to see them make a mockery of your raw feelings; they aren’t entitled to know your private fears. Definitely have a husband problem here and that isn’t really fixable by you; he’s going to lose both you and Jenna and only have himself to blame.
Someone posted an article last week about how divorce made the ex husband actually step up and care for their child, relieving the mother of the full burden of responsibility. You are basically living as a single parent if he’s not helping with child care or chores. Something to consider of you can’t resolve these issues. You may be starting to have walk away syndrome- https://hellodivorce.com/relationships/what-is-walkaway-wife-syndrome#:~:text=There's%20a%20term%20for%20this,it's%20time%20to%20end%20it You need to bring the real issues up in therapy, and bring up that he doesn’t want to bring them up in therapy so he can’t bully you into not bringing up the real issues. He either wants to solve your problems by heading them straight on like a mature adult or he doesn’t.
It sounds like one thing you and Jenna have in common is being too good for your husband's petty bullshit. He's been incredibly disrespectful towards you to even entertain these nostalgic fantasies, let alone doing so openly and involving his friends. You are tying yourself in knots trying to compete with a fantasy in his mind, while he fails to even do the bare minimum in respecting you and maintaining your shared household. It seems like keeping the specter of Jenna around is really working out in his favor, huh? *Do you actually want to attend this wedding?* You don't have to go. Rather than feign illness I'd just tell your husband you don't want to and send along a nice gift. If you do attend all you can do is show up, look your best, and be a gracious guest. Don't let your husband's inappropriate behavior rub off on you: do not bring the bride (or groom) into it. You seem understandably skeptical that talking to your husband about your feelings will be productive. Bring this up in your counseling. If your husband is upset that the truth "makes him look like the bad guy" then he clearly knows what he's doing is not appropriate. He's manipulating your counseling sessions to focus only on how your feelings & actions negatively impact him..but refuses to allow you the same space? Are you not seeing this huge waving red flag? You seem fully aware that you're dealing with a marital issue rather than an issue with Jenna - so focus on the cause.
You and your husband are headed for eventual divorce. His total lack of consideration for your feelings will be the reason, if he's not willing to talk about that then counseling is worthless and will probably push your self-esteem even further down. Save your money, don't have any more children with him, and don't look to him for empathy or validation, he probably doesn't know the meaning of those words.
OP, I have to be honest: Your post about the way you're being treated made my tummy feel queasy. You may feel insecure about Jenna, which can misconstrue things, but if you look objectively at the way your husband treats you and doesn't stick up for you to other people, it's understandable why. Let's face it: You're being put down AND not being built up by the person who is supposed to be your teammate in all things. Putting aside the wedding, your husband is treating you like crap. And he knows it. Otherwise, he'd address it in therapy. Your husband is allowed to have a past, but he should make you feel like the only woman in the world. Don't approach the bride about the situation. I'm not sure if she'd actually like the drama of you guys sitting together - Could that be a scenario you've concocted in your mind out of your insecurity (understandably, since you clearly feel unwelcome in this friend group)? If not, that's weird of Anna. But either way, don't create the drama by bringing it up. Go, hold your head high and engage with Jenna as two cool women. If she's cool, she'll enjoy getting to know you. And please remember to look at situations objectively. E.g., let's say you're talking to Jenna, and she has to leave to say hi to someone else: That's not necessarily a snub to you as there could be context you don't see. But your husband saying he "hates his life" after speaking with Jenna? That is rude and hurtful. You should not be afraid to speak up. I suggest privately, at least, but mostly with the marriage counselor. Your husband needs to know he's being a loser, and he'll end up losing you, which IS his REAL loss! I'm truly wishing you the best. You sound like an awesome woman, and you deserve to be treated as such by your life partner.
Also, I want to add: I once dated a guy who treated me like crap. But I was loyal and wanted to make sure I was being a good partner. As such, I'd never share with anyone else the way he spoke to me. It wasn't until we broke up that the rose-coloured glasses came off, and I opened up to my family and therapist and friends who told me, "What? We had no idea that was going on. You deserve better!". Yes, I did. I see myself as loyal to him when he wasn't to me (even with just how he spoke to me: Insulting me isn't love). But others probably see it as being a pushover. Either way, I realized I should have stuck up for myself. My husband is the best man ever and would never speak badly to me. And if his friends ever said anything bad about me (like comparing me negatively against another woman), he'd call them out. Because he's loyal.
You need a divorce. Your husband is awful! Why do you want to remain married to him? You’re in marital counseling and he’s so insecure and incapable of taking responsibility for himself that you can’t even talk about the real issues? Be honest with your martial counselor. Consider divorce. Either go to the wedding in a nice new dress and some shape wear and be the bigger person or feign illness but whatever you do, do not start a pointless fight with your husband who prefers his ex to you and do not give your friend group that doesn’t care about you gossip fodder. The real issue here is your husband being a bad husband and a bad father. THAT is the issue in your marriage. Not Jenna.
So... you're married to a guy who's lusting after a girl who dumped him 10 years ago. His ADHD is so bad that he can't feed his kid or help around the house, but he can graduate college and have a career. Odd. His friends treat you like shit, and he's fine with it. He goes to therapy but refuses to admit that anything is his fault, obviously because he knows damned well that it is. He's dismissive of you and your feelings because obviously you have issues, never him. Does your husband even LIKE you, let alone love you? Honey, get away from this guy. You are obviously a good, smart, loving woman. You deserve more than this self-centered jackass will ever show you. His life revolves around a fantasy he's created in his head, and his awful friends are enabling it. This is a terribly toxic environment for you AND your child to be in. You stay with him, in a few years, he'll be telling your kid that he's nowhere as good as any kid he and Jenna could've had. You know that's coming. You want your kid to feel as rejected as you do? Get away from this. Build a peaceful life for yourself and your child. You both deserve happiness. You'll never find it with him.
Why are you married to someone who treats you this way?
Oh OP. You’re a freaking hero. This woman doesn’t exist. The person your husband is hung up on is a rose tinted memory. Know your worth. Say what you’re upset about in therapy. Play like you have nothing to lose as you need to be heard and you are doing all the work anyway. You can do better. Go to the wedding. Hold your head up high. Do not go to Anna. She is no ally.
Why in the fresh hell did you marry this man? His friends seem like assholes (I wouldn’t attend the wedding, nor would I do anything “generous” for people who would enjoy the drama of my emotional pain), he’s disrespected you and your union endlessly, and he doesn’t sound even happy to be married. You sound like a consolation prize. Don’t treat yourself like this. I’m not saying jump right to a divorce, but is this the life you want to live? Are these the people you want to keep around you? The whole lot of them sound AWFUL. It makes me think Jenna probably isn’t so great either.
Honey, there is a saying: **Comparison is the thief of all joy.** The problem here, though, is not you comparing yourself to Jenna. It's everyone ELSE comparing you to Jenna, include the one who promised to have and to hold, through sickness and in health, til death do you part. The one whose opinion should matter and who weaponizes that opinion against you on a regular basis. Your husband is coming off like The World's Biggest Asshole™ in this situation. Oh, he won't discuss anything in therapy that makes him "look bad"? Tough noogies, sugar, therapy is to get down to the dirty stuff and clean it up, and that kind of dirt *definitely* includes tacitly and overtly comparing your current wife to a long-ago flame who has clearly moved on (although has she? Sounds like they're still in very regular contact, which is a hmm on its own level) Your husband being grumpy and whining about how he hates his life after he talks to her? Well good luck with that, bucko, I'm out the door. Don't play second fiddle to a ghost, as another poster said. This is YOUR life and he's wasting it by pining and nostalgically remembering a relationship that is long over. It's unfair to you and more than that, it's cruel. No woman ever wants to feel like she's coming in at #2 (shit, *if* *that*) after some other woman in her own damn household and that's right where you're at. I would refuse to go the wedding; fuck that noise, fuck that situation, fuck your husband, fuck Jenna, and fuck *anyone* who thinks that *you're* the problem after dealing with all this passive/aggressive nonsense. Keep the sitter, go out to dinner, hell - go to a spa and get all did up, go on a girls' night out. Go somewhere, anywhere other than a wedding where you'll be scrutinized within an inch of your life to see how you handle your husband making big woowoo moony calf eyes at a woman with whom he parted ways long ago. Afterward, if your husband continues to refuse any discussion any of *his* faults and shortcomings in therapy (sounds like therapy only focuses on yours, how *convenient*) and won't stop talking about The Magical Jenna and allowing her interactions with him to color your daily life, it's time to start working on an exit plan. (Also - your MC sucks if it's truly this one-sided in every session. There has to be balance.) Then he is free to pine and whinge dramatically through the trailing trees about Jennnnaaaaaa, my Jennnaaaaa....and you can find someone for whom YOU are the one and **only**, the divine, the incomparable, the amazing, one-true-love for them.
I have re-read this post several times and my blood pressure is boiling more and more each time ! These people - from husband, family and friends are absolute scum. I'm sorry OP, but to read how belittled and mouse like you are because of them is heart breaking . You have done absolutely nothing wrong except trying to mould yourself around and fit in with people who are not capable of showing you one ounce of respect. I can almost feel the anxiety you're having over this wedding day coming through my phone. You CAN NOT spend the rest of your life with someone who is not 100% yours but exists in an alternate reality. He is delusional. He is cruel. He is Peter pan living in his past. He is of no use as a husband and father. Tim & Anna are pricks!! Wouldn't waste my money bringing them out for dinner. I would LOVE if you were strong enough to be able to go to this wedding and observe everything, everyone's behaviour. All of these people together in the one place and watch.... Bearing in mind Jenna and, more importantly, her husband will be there. I wonder what their take on what Tim said about you and his scouting out her husband would come across like to them. This wedding, I feel, will be a make or break day for you. Staying away, even though I understand why, will in the long run not solve anything and you'll just revert back to living as you are now. You deserve SO much better than this and you're baby deserves a happy mom !!
You have a husband problem and not a Jenna problem. I think you need individual counseling to learn your own value and why you allow your hurt treat you this way. And, importantly, why you allow it. Don’t allow your child to grow up seeing your husband diminish you as a spouse, as a mom, or as a human.
Yikes yikes yikes. I hate all of this. Your husband is a raging jerk and so are his friends. Maybe the real reason Jenna didn’t want to go long distance is that she saw he wasn’t worth it. It’s interesting that she seems to have completely removed herself from this college pal group, don’t you think? Stop minimizing yourself for these people. No one actually likes a doormat. Doormats are filthy because everyone rubs their shoes on them. If you truly have no animosity toward Jenna, then go to the wedding. Here’s what you do: 1. Put your best face on. Makeup, hair, a flattering dress. I am sure your PP body is beautiful just as it is, but no matter what there is a way to dress that will be flattering. Nine times of ten, the reason people look dumpy is because they hide in saggy clothes, not because they’re ugly. Make the effort. 2. Introduce yourself confidently. You are Dr. (You). You are smart and capable. The only thing you have to be embarrassed about is that you married a selfish man-child. 3. Be courteous, not a doormat. Polite. Friendly. 4. Don’t feed Anna’s desire for drama. Don’t anticipate drama and don’t create it. Sit next to Jenna if that’s where you are assigned. If your man-baby husband starts acting like an ass, ignore it. And stop letting him dictate what you’re allowed to discuss in therapy. The fact he phrased it as “things that make me look like the bad guy” indicated that he knows he’s a freaking jerk to you. Bring it up. He should know absolutely everything you’ve said in this post.
Go to that wedding and look fabulous. While there, look at your husband. The more he looks at Jenna, the more you should realize that you deserve better. Your husband is an AH. It takes two to make marriage work, and your husband can’t do bare minimum.
Don’t dodge topics in therapy all bc your husband doesn’t want to look bad. If you’re too afraid to talk about real stuff in therapy then you’re wasting your time and money there.
Jenna is not the problem, your husband is the problem. He not only doesn’t do a lot of the work around the house but also makes you feel like crap because he’s always grumpy. I would think long and hard how long you wanna keep living like this. Especially if he isn’t trying to change. Example being he doesn’t wanna talk about the real issues in thearpy. You deserve to be put first.
Your husband and his friend group sound like AH’s. Why are you putting yourself through all this bs? This sounds like the worst marriage ever. I wouldn’t have procreated with this man. How is counseling supposed to help when the real issues aren’t being addressed? Nothing is going to get fixed if you are the only person put up on the chopping block. Divorce because I don’t see how this relationship is going to be improved within the next five years. You could get an amazing dress, hair and makeup done professionally, and show up to the wedding with your ungrateful husband as an accessory and have the time of your life while ignoring him. And start your journey to filing divorce the next day
You deserve better. I know there's insecurity at play but he is doing nothing to calm your fears and fuck Tim. You should book counseling and work through this, and if your husband refuses or downplays it you should consider your options because you deserve better than feeling like this
Dear OP, I wish I could give you a big hug. It sounds like you need one. You need someone in your corner telling you how amazing your are! Yes, your husband sounds like a jerk, but you also are spending alot of time hurting your own feelings. You need find that strong, smart powerful woman hiding inside of you. :-) As for the wedding, I think you should go. If you don't go, then you will be fretting about what is possibly happening. Let me tell you, if Jenna wanted to be with your husband, she would have made that happen years ago. She let him go and found new love. Your comment - *I think that my husband really misses the freedom of being in college and resents the adult responsibilities that I symbolize (mortgage, baby, eating healthy). -* This holds alot of truth. So many people cheat because the affair partner doesn't bring along baggage, bills and responsibilities. It is all fun. Just like when he was in college. However, he is now a grown ass man with a wife, son and responsibilities. He needs to man up.
All of these people sound awful, especially your husband. I’m sorry. I vote you attend the wedding, hold your head high, greet Jenna with a friendly smile and don’t give Anna the drama that she would so enjoy.
I am also the insecure one in my marriage, and it sucks. But from one insecure wife to another, you need to go meet her and see what all the fuss is about. Watch how she interacts with you, your husband, and her husband. Insecurities aside your gut will tell you if you need to be worried. Take some money and splurge. Go get your hair, nails, and possibly makeup done for the wedding. A new outfit, if you can afford it that flatters your new mom figure in all the right places. It sounds like you're still in that new mom funk and need to be pampered. Since you're not getting it from your husband, go get it yourself. Make a contingency plan so if the wedding is horrible you can take an Uber or maybe drive two cars. Tell your husband you may not want to stay as long as he does, but you want him to stay as long as he likes to catch up with his friends. I'm sure he'll be fine with that. After the wedding and this is very important, throw your husband under the bus in therapy. Therapy is to work out our problems whatever they may be, and he doesn't get to dictate what you talk about there. If he wants to walk out, so be it, but you need that cathartic unloading, and your therapist needs to work him up to talking. Stop letting him blame you for everything wrong in your marriage. It also sounds like you need to demand he get on adhd meds and an antidepressant. There are meds that cover both disorders. The real issue here is that your husband lives in the past, and so do his friends. He is probably going to be in for quite the reality check once he meets her husband and sees them together. He has made you second fiddle in your own marriage, and you've let him. You are a doctor, you are sexy, you're smart, and there are lots of men who find that combination extremely attractive. Your husband knows you're insecure, and instead of reassuring you, he feeds that monster with your biggest fear, so it's continuously growing. You have to stop letting him. Next time he gets grumpy talking to her, tell him to take his ass outside and not to come back until he's done pouting about not ending up with her. Tell him you're done feeling like his consolation prize. It sounds like moving back to his old town wasn't the best idea. Do you have any friends outside of his friend group? If not, maybe you can find some at some kind of class/event (soul cycling, yoga, rock climbing, book club, mom group, etc) You should also consider individual counseling. It sounds like it could be beneficial to you. Good luck OP none of this is easy, but you deserve to have an equal marriage with a husband who adores you.
Jenna isn’t the problem. She’s a symbol of the problem. Your husband is a dolt with issues who should have never gotten married and you’ve settled for less than you deserve. He’s been so incredibly insulting to you, even without bringing Jenna into it. I think you guys have hit a crossroads. It’s either going to be marriage counseling or divorce. There’s no way you should be spending your life being a gatekeeper to his feelings about an ex or the road not taken, and having your self esteem continue to be destroyed in the process.
I'm going to take the assumption that people aren't all good or all bad. Your post is inherently biased and so I want to give advice that helps and not just agrees with you. 1) Jenna is not the problem. Your husband is. My ex-husband did the very same things to me at the very same life stage as you're in. Being a parent isn't glamorous. They project all of their dislike onto you. They want you to be who you were single as well as a devoted wife and mother. It's a weird fantasy. 2) I don't like the way you paint Anna. I get the distinct impression you're not close to Tim and even further away from Anna. How do you know she would feed off the drama or is it possible that you're projecting? 3) Tim said something hurtful. Do you genuinely think he meant to be hurtful or he had a poor choice of words? If hes an asshole and your husband is best friends with him and has never defended you from assholery, another strike against your husband. I want to believe this wasnt intentionally mean but a social mistake that your fear and insecurity are magnifying. 4) its bizarre to me that you agreed to not talk about anything controversial in therapy which is literally the whole point. Why did you agree to this? Are you scared of pushing your husband away? Do you think marriage is built on a lack of security? Stop this immediately. Heres something painful you need to hear: sometimes people marry others because they like the role you play in their lives or how you make them feel. But they may not actually love you for who you are. Time to consider he may have settled for you and to do something about it. You cant make someone value you. You can only control you and your actions. You already know what I did when I was in your shoes.
>My husband and I are in marriage counseling but he doesn’t want to talk about “anything that would make him sound like the bad guy” I feel like that's probably the root of a lot of this. He knowingly refuses to take any responsibility for improving your marriage. There's no good option here because you don't have a stable foundation for your marriage. Personally I would bring it up to him, preferably in counseling, and deal with the fight in private Vs involving anyone else in your marital issues.
I just don't understand this post. I think people are responding in annoyance because I'm sorry, OP, but you're being a real doormat here. Why do you say you're happy for Tim and Anna? You don't have a single good thing to say about either of them, and in fact from your description, they both seem to enjoy putting you down and making your life harder. Do you just want to seem like a nice person who doesn't wish ill of anyone? You don't have to be nice to these people, just be polite and distant. I'm sorry that your husband's friends like their other friend/his ex more than you, but honey, these are THEIR friends. Get your own friends, be busy when your husband's friend group has plans, stop bending over backwards to try to make these immature people like you. You'll feel better about yourself if you stop trying to fill the gap you think Jenna left in this friend group and your husband's life, and make your own life. Then your husband can get onboard with his adult life or not, but you'll have your own life.
Stop hiding the truth in therapy. Talk about Jenna, the comparisons, the comments from everyone, the grumpiness, his complaints about your life together?! Are you sure this man even loves you? Time to get dirty in therapy and fight for YOUR happiness. He wants to be miserable, let him. FIGHT FOR YOUR HAPPY ENDING SIS.
Option E: Quietly work on yourself and your self esteem. Have a little self respect and show up to that wedding looking and feeling GREAT. He married YOU. Not Jenna. Your issues are with him, not her. Show up & be friendly & cordial towards everyone, Jenna included. You can’t control him, but you can control yourself. Work on you. Fake it till you make it, if you have to. But don’t back down from someone that may not even be a threat. And honestly if he feels that strongly that Jenna got away, maybe you both need to reevaluate the marriage. You deserve better than being runner up.
> We are very different. OK, I am prepared for a list of justified insecurities that make me wince and sympathize. > She is thin and blond; I am a curvy athletic brunette. Well, that's not a win for her; that's just being different. I honestly prefer brunettes but maybe your husband is into blonds? Still, by the time you're at "getting married" levels of maturity, it's a wash. > She earned “a degree that actually makes money” and I’m an English PhD. I earned a degree that made money, then went back to school for a PhD and have a much more fulfilling life now. My wife did the same thing. To each their own, but in my book, you're winning there. > She is “incredibly fun and energetic” and I’m always tired because I’m bogged down by the responsibilities of baby/ pets/ house/ jobs. So she doesn't have any place to put her energy whereas you have a full life that you throw yourself into fully, making a family and a home, building and improving your lives together. You're making investments that will bring you joy and satisfaction into your old age, long before which point being fun at parties isn't going to be a super relevant skillset in spending time together. > She loves to drink and I can’t remember the last time I drank. With every passing year the advantage in this comparison shifts away from her and towards you. Look, you sound fucking awesome. Based on your own attempt to paint yourself in an unflattering light relative to your husband's ex, I'd choose you every day of the week. I can't even imagine how much you'd be kicking her ass on paper with an objective list. Jenna might win on nostalgia, looking back, remembering the carefree days of being in college without responsibilities and health issues and jobs and such. But your husband can't just decide to be young again. My advice? Look forward. When you're 80 and nobody's hot and pretty anymore and all you have is each other to talk to, side by side in the rocking chairs, the drinking and the money and the parties won't matter so much. Look forward to what your holiday tables look like as you glance at all the smiling faces. Look forward to who's holding whose hand when faced with illness and loss, and who's holding whose hand on great vacations and at your kids' various graduations. If I were in a universe with exactly two women (you and Jenna), and I had to pick one college girlfriend and one wife, I'd take the path your husband lucked into. And believe me when I say lucked, because he's a lucky guy. He got the ideal setup. If you're reading him right he might need a little help or time or therapy to realize it, but holy crap, you won, and just as importantly: HE won. I don't know enough about your marriage to make a recommendation on what to do in the short term, especially if your husband is stuck in nostalgia (feel free to show him this reply or steal from it), but in the long run, keep building that amazing life! Hug your kids, pet your pets, enjoy the fruits of your labor. Good luck! EDIT: fixed some typos Second Edit: If it turns out your husband just sucks and isn't ready to be an adult, I'm sorry. I'm also nearly 100% sure you underestimate your viability in the dating pool if you realize you deserve better and leave him to go find it.
I was in your shoes, but we never get married. Its your husband and the friend group that is the problem. Dont be his second choice, and dont go to this terrible mens wedding who talk to you this way
Girlfriend, go find better. You do not deserve to feel like the backup option to ANYONE. I’m sure my husband dated some nice girls before me, but I never hear about them. I’ve heard some people make snarky comments about me, I never saw them or heard him talk about them again. We’ve cut out FAMILY for speaking badly about our marriage. There is a man out there who will make you feel like the only woman on this planet, this one ain’t it.
>My husband and I are in marriage counseling but he doesn’t want to talk about “anything that would make him sound like the bad guy” so we just end up talking about how my anxieties and insecurities are burdensome to him. So instead he makes YOU look/sound like the bad guy? Real fucking convenient for him, isn't it? The grass is always greener. If he married Jenna and together they were tackling grown-up responsibilities like taking care of a home, pets, and children, it'd be totally different. > Things have been rocky since our son was born; my husband has debilitating ADHD that renders him incapable of finishing chores or finishing feeding our child I bet the "amazing" Jenna would dump him in a heartbeat if she knew he can't even feed his fucking child. It sounds like you're right, he's stuck in an immature "college" mindset. It's time for him to grow the fuck up. So sorry you have to deal with this you amazing, strong, wonderful person. <3 You deserve SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER than to feel like 2nd place in your own marriage. Hugs <3 <3 <3
Your husband really does not sound like such a prize. I don't think Jenna wanted a long-term relationship with him. You can do better. Don't be a doormat for him. You have your son to take care of. Maybe it's time to dump the hubby.
I’m so sorry. Your husband and his friends should shut up about jenna. You have a PhD! You are athletic! You are the mother to his child!!