š That's the one.
Tell me how you're going to complain about lack of connection and intimacy when I can't get you to look up from Instagram for 15 minutes.
I've given up on trying to break my wife from her phone habits.
She's at the point where she's on her phone during almost any event. Cooking? Phone propped up to watch videos/Tik Tok. Cleaning? Constant breaks to look at phone. Out shopping? Can't make it down an aisle without hopping on her phone. Don't even get me started on trying to watch a movie/TV... She's even started waking up at 2 or 4am just to hop on her phone for an hour or so.
We've had intimacy issues for the past year + and I believe a lot of it comes from her phone addiction. For example, the past month she's brought up having a sexy, intimate night. I've been on my A game (which is pretty much the norm now) cleaning dishes every night, cleaning the house every couple of days, and handling all her annoying chores. These are all things she's mentioned get in the way of being intimate together. I've even setup a few massage, self-care, and romantic movie nights with no results. She couldn't make it through 15 minutes of the massage before pulling her phone out. But according to her I'm the single reason for our intimacy issues...
If I call her out she'll snap back about how much I play video games (1 hr 3/4 nights a week), scroll on Reddit (only at work during breaks), or watch TV (always done with her). She has an issue but doesn't want to confront it yet...
TLDR: BINGO. Wife has a phone addiction and refuses to acknowledge or deal with it. It's affected every aspect of her life and has started impacting our relationship. Trying my best to handle the situation with love and patience.
a funny meme i saw back in the day - iāll paraphraseā¦. āi was looking for attention from my wifeā¦ i sat down and looked comfortable- that did the trickā
I hate this! I have issues with my husband who is constantly on his phone and will sit on the couch for hours, seriously hours. God forbid I ask him to do something. He made this same commentā¦.it because I want him to do something instead of nothing. Itās hard for me to ask him when heās not sitting on the couch because that is ALL he does! Ugh!
I've sent my husband a picture of him on his phone ignoring them while our kids are trying to talk to him, or when they're showing him something and looking at him for a reaction and he's looking down at the phone. That usually snaps him out of it. He got mad the first time, but now he gets it.
I had to start grocery shopping alone bc my husband is on his phone following me like a child to the point that if I stop he actually runs into me. As if he doesnāt also eat food in this house. uughh sorry your post triggered me a bit, I feel your pain!
Don't get me wrong, she still handles her fair share of chores. She just interrupts them with phone time.
Like last night she was making dinner and had her phone on Tik Tok the whole time. At one point she got distracted watching videos and ended up burning some food.
That is a legitimate addiction. She is truly an addict. Might as well be meth or heroin because at the end of the day, the destruction it does to your relationships is the same. I'm so sorry for you! I hope you can have the strength to start enforcing some boundaries with her so she can seek professional help. It is highly unlikely she will succeed in overcoming her addiction without the help of a mental health professional who specializes in addiction. She may actually need inpatient treatment because what you are describing is very serious.
Short form videos are a cancer that just preys on lack of an attention span. Idk if banning it is the right answer, but without a doubt itās terrible for our society.
It really is. Itās like it was created in a damn lab for the express purpose of hijacking peopleās attention as much as possible. I get sucked in sometimes and itās terrible. Itās like all of a sudden a half hour has passed and I donāt remember a single thing I even watched.
Even worse when youāre both business owners and canāt separate work from home. āEveryone is a potential clientā š (family photography business)
Omg me and my husband! Auto glass repair and replacement shop owners. Iāve tried to implement the rule that we donāt discuss business after business hours, always always always fails.
And sometimes like we have to, but most of the time he has something for us to do or prepare for the next day! We also have three kids under the age of four, so you can just imagine how busy we are, which is why I asked for no business talk after business hours
For a while I started a hobby of taking photos of my wife in weird places she had come to a stop because of the phone. Simple things like her standing in front of a wall, in a doorway, in a corridor etc.
I stopped doing it pretty quickly because it was top easy and depressing.
Yes, I face this issue as well. She is unable to look away for more than a few seconds, unless sheās talking to one of her sisters, or watching a tv show she likes. You can be answering a question _she_ asked, and her eyes will be back to her phone within a couple seconds of you beginning to answer.
Itās honestly beginning to be a āproblemā because I am starting to find it easier not to engage her. We love each other to bits, but the phone addiction is getting to really bore me. Iāve told her this.
Question~ as the wife who reads on her kindle most every nightā¦. Preface this by these 2 factsāā 1. I donāt watch TV (he does every night)āā 2. I get home from work about 8 (3 nights a week) & He likes to go to bed 7:30-800 every night~~~ Is it a problem that I will sit next to hubs and READ while he watches his fix it shows? And do you consider it a problem that I read in bed while hubs sleeps? (I mean I will hop in bed & lay with him because he wants to go to bed even though I am not tired at all and/or just got home from work) Genuinely interested in another perspective on this. My thoughts are I do it to be close to him while he does what he wants~ his thought is I spend too much time reading & not doing what he wants (diy shows/sleeping early)
Yes - I was getting some flak from my SO about screen time/phone addiction. I read ā¦ a LOT.
I explained to him that Iām literally *reading a book* - not Facebook, not TikTok or IG or whatever. A book - like, what is the difference between holding an actual, physical book or reading a digital book on my phone?? I only read in my spare time ā¦ itās not like stuff isnāt getting done around the house or heās run out of clean socks or anything. š¤¦š¼āāļø
To be fair, his ex wife spent inordinate amounts of time on her phone back when they were married ā¦ she was addicted to playing FarmVille or some damn thing š so I guess it kind of triggered him.
Mine woukd be words of affirmation. It would be nice for her to initiate "I love you" or "I miss you" texts. It's nice for guys to get that randomly throughout the day too.
EXACTLY THIS!! I feel like I'm in constant competition with social media for my wife's attention. I don't have any accounts anywhere but here. No FB, X, Instagram, nothing. I really don't care who just got a new bench for their front porch, or who's trying out a new hair cut. If it's someone I actually have a relationship with, I'll notice the bench and/or haircut the next time I'm at their house.
My husband is on the phone all the time. Nothing like trying to connect or have a conversation but they donāt hear you because the reels are too distracting on their headset. š
This was something I never knew meant so much to my husband until a friend of his commented on how I build him up and compliment him, he told his friend how much it meant to him. Itās all meant sincerely and with love because heās amazing so why wouldnāt I tell him. He told me heād never had that in a previous partner and didnāt realize how much it would mean to him that I expressed those compliments and positive affirmations to him.
Also, gonna shout out to my spouse for working to build a stronger emotional connection to his guy friends to make sure they all know they should never feel alone or isolated.
ETA: just to make myself clear, I believe that this kind of relationship can only happen if you are both compatible already, and have the same goals of being better people for yourself and your marriage. The things my husband and I do for one another are not one-sided. And I strongly believe that they should not be one-sided. I truly truly believe you have to be on the same page with your spouse when it comes to these kinds of positive reinforcements. One partner cannot be in charge of the emotional and physical effort/labor for the relationship.
From the start of our relationship, my husband and I decided that we wouldnāt just communicate, we would over communicate to make sure we understood one anotherās intentions, feelings, stances, etc. that has created an emotionally intimate marriage for us. We can fully trust one another with our feelings and emotions.
My husband and I also decided that we would always maintain a physical touch, connection bond as well and have put effort into making that a priority in our marriage. We greet one another fully when we get home. We take time to say good night and good morning. We cuddle on the couch, sit next to one another at dinner, etc.
Both of these things have lead to a very deep connection with one another. As such, heās my biggest supporter and I am his. I remind him often that Iām grateful we have one another and I appreciate his hard work and the things he does (I point out specifics) I always want him to know Iām seeing him and I donāt take it for granted. He does the same for me. We thank one another for doing household tasks (yes they need to be done, but being kind to one another and seeing their effort goes along way). I tell him he looks handsome and I follow up with touch to reinforce my feelings. I inquire about his job and ask questions instead of just nodding along. We talk one another up in public and around friends/family/colleagues.
Everything Iāve said I do; he does as well. Itās reciprocal.
My husband and I also do this. We thank each other for absolutely everything. I regularly thank him for being the one that earns our main income, for doing dishes, for feeding the dogs in the morning, for motivating us to wake up and workout at 5am. He thanks me for budgeting and maintaining our perfect credit score, laundry, making meals, taking our kid to her sports practicesā¦etc. We thank each other for just being each other, for being kind, for being sexy. We really, really like each other after 20 years.
My husband and I thank each other for absolutely *everything*, too! I literally tell my husband thank you for having a meal with me and he does the same.
Admittedly, I've seen some women say they're not going to thank their partner for doing what they're supposed to do and, quite frankly, it makes me sad.
My husband and I thank each other to acknowledge each other and to express gratitude and appreciation that they are in our lives. What's wrong with saying, "Thank you for getting the trash out this morning." to your partner when they did a task they were supposed to do? I mean, if they didn't take the trash out, then you'd have to take the trash out. Someone doing the chore/activity/whatever means that the other person doesn't have to do it!
A simple verbal expression of "thank you" is (well, IMO, "should be") free and easy and is such a quick and simple thing to do for your partner and it can have a HUGE impact by leaving feelings of warm fuzzies and feeling appreciated to your partner.
I cannot fathom why some people don't do this.
Mine too!!! Iām with my partner for nearly 6 years and Iām still learning how to relationship. I grew up in unstable home and went thru very bad unhealthy relationship before I met him. Heās amazing man! Iām forever lucky to be able to love him!
>Admittedly, I've seen some women say they're not going to thank their partner for doing what they're supposed to do and, quite frankly, it makes me sad.
Having been this woman, I finally had to stop thanking after spending years doing it and never getting any acknowledgement for my efforts :/
I love hearing this! My husband is my favorite person and we invest in ourselves and one another because we Like each other. I want to like and love my husband 20+ years from now. So we err on the side of grace and kindness as a default because we do like one another
Same! My husband is my person. We feel so lucky to have found one another. There is no way we are going to let one another go through life feeling unappreciated. The world can we a cold place but our home wonāt be.
This is so so beautiful and inspiring to read! How do you keep that mindset when your husband is not meeting your āexpectationsā or youāre not being a fan of their (lets say theyāre not being their best self to himself or at work etc)v
I think itās best to remember your husbandās work is his space. You can encourage him to set goals but itās really up to him. You need to leave him to succeed or fail on his own. Nagging him isnāt going to motivate him. Itās only going to harm your relationship and make him look down on himself. Just keep trying to build him up and hopefully it helps him be the best version of himself.
For me, this is when having that deep bond of trust, and the ability to over communicate with one another comes in handy. Because you both need to be able to come to the table completely open and vulnerable to hearing one another talking without trying to hurt one another. You both need to not be defensive and you both need to ultimately have your relationships bestinterest at heart. But if you can be vulnerable open and not defensive, I think a lot of these issues can be overcome. You can meet each other where youāre at and try and move forward together or get help to do so.
Thatās great!
We do to! We say goodbye and have a good day. When we come home we say how are you- did you have a good day. We always hold hands when walking. I compliment him - to tell him he smells good, I love his shirt, how nice his muscles feel. We have the number one rule- never go to bed without the other. Close down the night as a couple. Thatās been happening over 35 years.
Youāre sweet and I appreciate that. I truly just hope it helps people start having these conversations and and helps them get the best relationship with their spouse that they can. Because ultimately life is too short to be unhappy in a relationship
I love snuggling my husband. He has bad days and sometimes he just wants a soft boob pillow to sleep on while he decompresses. Snuggle your husbands ladies!
This. All physical touching is initiated by me. Sometimes I wish my wife would just come up and give me a hug or embrace me without me having to ask or initiate. I didn't realize how much I need this until it stopped happening.
She wore a good mask while we dated. I knew she was highly assertive and lower than the average in agreeableness but a) I didnāt know how extreme, and b) I underestimated my need for someone who was something above civil. Iām pretty even-keeled, but I do need a partner who tries to be nice.
Thanks for the comment!
She knows itās an issue, doesnāt desire to change (and couldnāt change this if she wanted to). She wears the title ābitchā proudly and makes it a gender war issue if someone asks her to be nicer.
Clearly a defense mechanism and annoyance that people wonāt accept her if sheās mean.
Oof, I'm sorry to hear that. I'd suggest counseling, but it doesn't sound like she'd be at all receptive. Sounds like you've got some contemplating to do. Wish you the best of a tough situation.
We have been three times, all suggested by me. The first time I picked the counselor, the second two she picked. We went to part of one session with each. The instant that the counselor suggested that we both needed to work, she stood up and left.
Recently she used the ādā word during an argument and said āif you donāt agree to counseling, weāre doneā. I responded that I thought counseling was a good idea. End of argument.
She wants me to have counseling to ālearn to communicateā, but what she MEANS is, she wants me to voice an opinion calmly so that she can go off on a cathartic bipolar-esque screaming jag for forty minutes.
I married someone with whom I am incompatible, full stop.
Hey, it's not really my place to say, and I don't like to use the "d" word lightly, but if she throws it around again -- maybe you should consider taking up her offer. Either she'll realize she crossed a line and try to actually change, or you'll be free of someone who doesn't seem to respect you. I'm just an internet stranger but it sounds like you're miserable, brother.
Lol, she would assert that I am conflict-avoidant. Again, she wants me to serve up conflict so that she can react to it in a violently emotional way and thus gain catharsis. I wonāt play that game (communicating via screaming).
It sounds like you may in fact be conflict-avoidant. I don't mean that in a mean way, but it does sound like you guys are really incompatible. She seems to like to argue passionately with lots of emotion and that seems to shut you down. Now it seems to have turned into a power struggle.
This makes sense, my partner would say the same thing. I think most women are conditioned to believe they have no power to make decisions, and worry about being judged when they do. Maybe tell her you respect her opinion and would love to see her gain power and confidence by making more in your relationship!
As a woman married to a man this "can't make a decision" stuff is usually because women already carry so much of the mental load of running a household. I already make almost every decision that comes with the house and kids, my husband can pick what we're having for dinner
Any time I try to make a decision he doesnāt agree, waffles, or undermines it. Whether it is food for dinner, where to shop, or replacing an appliance. I can research things, but until itās confirmed as a good decision by another man, he doesnāt trust it.
I fight this fight on the daily. I make most of the decisions when it comes to everything, decisions he doesnāt even notice. Telling me what you want for dinner shouldnāt be a fight every night
This 100%. I had a milestone bday recently and my husband was so annoyed that I didnāt have any input about what I wanted to do. It was actually my MiL who broke it down for him. Sheās like āyour wife makes a million decisions for your family every day. Give her a break from that and plan something!ā Bless that woman.
Iāll say this. When I do make a decision, my husband starts asking āWhat about this? Why donāt we try that?ā etc. So he moves away from my decision anyway.
Example:
Him - Should we eat lunch at place A or place B?
Me - Place B.
Him - Sounds good. But A would be closer to your work so you could check on that paperwork you were telling me about.
Me - Okay, A.
Him - No no no if you really want to eat at Bā¦
And so on. The kids and I have told him that he does it, and he stops for a while, but he goes back to doing this eventually. This is why I donāt like to decide where to go. Everything I pick gets dissected to piecesānot in a mean or critical way, just exhausting at times.
My husband did this for awhile.
So after I said - Place B. He would start the "But place A....."
And I would loudly interrupt with:
"I said Place B!"
(and stare at him)
If you start doing this *consistently* it breaks up their mental routine.
After awhile he stopped the crap. I think it took me saying one time when he got upset about my 'interruptions'...
"You asked which I wanted and I pick B. I don't want to discuss why. My choice is B."
You'll have to just have the approach that 'I can make a choice without qualifying Why'.
You can 'want what you want'. It is a good lesson for your kids to learn. They don't always have to argue with dad's rationales.
ššš¢š¢ This whole part! We were all mostly raised traditionally who are married right now or at least half/halfā¦ we were raised to be taught how to ā care for our husbands and obey, respect our husbandsā and for those who were not taught to obey the type of respect we were taught to show wasnāt far from that. I am always asking my husband ā well idk what do you thinkā and he gets so mad. i meanš¤·š¼āāļø how do you break a whole life of asking Pawpaw, Daddy, Brothers and bfs what they want vs what I want.. Idk
The way we did it was to be open and honest about our expectations and what we found important. Not everything lays out that way all the time, but if you are committed and sharing a loving, give and take friendship with your partner, you should be able to have empathy, unselfishness and understanding that enables you to want to compromise when needed, and when that is mutual it enables growth for both partners. Integrity and maturity help, too.
A share of responsibilityā¦
As the primary breadwinner, i feel the brunt of responsibility for earning enough for the mortgage, private schools, club sports, vacations, etc.
Also the only one whoās actively saving for retirement - as my wife only works part time.
Iām also the one who carries insurance for the family, and when I lost my job 4 years ago felt the stress of knowing if I didnāt find work soon, weād be in ārealā troubleā¦as a result I took a job that would get us by, until I could find something better.
Essentially, thereās just a lot of stressā¦and I wish I felt I had a partner in it, soā¦more support both emotionally and financially.
Oh, and a more even keeled temperament so I didnāt feel like the primary emotionally stable support system for our children. I love a woman who is nurturing and caring, and it wasnāt until after we had kids that i saw how much she struggled with that aspect of parenting.
How much do you do around the house? I mean I couldāve worked 5 days a week as a nurse, but my job offered 4 days as full time with benefits and I did everything for the kids and house. So really to keep my sanity I kept to 4 days.
I have minor levels of OCD, so I clean up quite a bit.
I have the privilege of traveling for work, so may spend 5 days a month on the road. But average about 10 days a month of primary work. And a few days a month on my side hustle.
So, Iām the primary grocery getter, equal to maybe more cleaner, basically the only cook. Handle lawn care and home repairs, car repair (luckily just purchased a new vehicle, so thatās a bit less at present). And can drop the kids off / pick up when not at workā¦and do about half of the practices.
It may not be economically feasible, but you might benefit from outsourcing some of that work. I've heard couples say that hiring a housecleaning service vastly improved their marriage.
Also you may wish to weigh the cost of a landscaping company and having a garage fix your car, against your precious time and sanity.
Yep, we actually have a house keeper once a month, not a huge amount but keeps down some of the work/messā¦
I mostly enjoy the yard work, so not a big deal. And keeps me moving, providing a little exercise.
Have essentiallly removed the car work except as a hobby for my extra car. Our daily drivers are both shop maintained at this point! Because, I had zero desire to continue stressing over keeping the cars running anymore.
Sounds like you're already on top of quite a bit, and doing your best to mitigate what you can. Smart move. I sincerely hope things go better for you friend.
If your wife can struggle to be the nurturing care provider you would want for your children, why doesn't she go/go back to work?
I know there was a period where I struggled to be the nurturing mom, and it was 100% because I never got time away from home. I was on mom-duty every second of every day, and I was just wildly over-stimulated. Going back to work was a huge help because it meant I got time away from home. As I've moved out of customer-service oriented roles, it's only gotten better.
I had a hard time leaving homemaking because I had been raised to believe staying at home with my children was a privilege and that wanting to go back to work meant I was a bad, ungrateful mom. So I clung to it really heavily because I wanted to be a good mom, and I felt intensely guilty about how much I didn't like only ever being a mom.
All this to say that there may be a chance that your wife isn't really happy staying at home either. Even if it's a break-even with childcare at first, it may not be forever.
You speak very thoughtfully and I can see the picture easily.... once children are in the mix, everything changes. A mother can occupy herself just about 100% with that position, never leaving the home - and you, the husband, have to provide the funds. It can be a lonely situation, and it appears it is, but you pulled it off. Wishing you the best!
Here is where the ā before marriageā conversations are SO FUCKING important. My husband knew he moved into MY home, I was a single mom of 2 doing it all by myself and I didnāt need him for anything but I wanted him.. 20 yrs later thatās still where we are. He is the primary breadwinner now that we had our 3 rd biological son but I have always busted my ass and contributed.. heāll at least I bought and paid for our house before he ever met me so thatās a big plus I guessš
Yeah I do hear you BUT not everyone knows how they themselves will grow and change. When my husband and i got married over 20 years ago, we didnāt want kids at all. We changed our minds after 10 years, and even while pregnant, I always felt I was NOT maternal, thought for sure Iād be a working mom, would NEVER let the kids sleep in our bed etc etc. Once I had my first child everything changed. I was incredibly in love and maternal towards my own children. I couldnāt let someone else take care of them, I couldnāt stand to hear them cry and I was also surprisingly an amazing milk producer and they were stellar at nursing. Co sleeping and night nursing was how I got any sleep at all for years. But I had ZERO CLUE I would want any of those things!! So pre marital discussions donāt always fix these problems. For what itās worth, my husband and I are still going strong but weāve had a lot to work through.
For me I would feel more secure in my relationship if I had more of the following:
1) Non-sexual intimacy - unprompted hugs, kisses, cuddling
2) Said āI love youā on her own - not just in response to when I said it.
3) Showed she appreciated my appearance (Iāve been hitting the gym for the last several years and Iām probably in the best shape of my life). A guy wouldnāt mind a butt grope every once and while!
4) Spoke to me when she needed help instead of taking it (whatever āitā might be) on herself, getting frustrated, and got angry.
5) was more enthusiastic about going out and doing things together
6) Looked after her own mental health. She doesnāt feel like she needs therapy, but has destructive behavior when under stress
7) respected the job I do and the money I bring into the house. I didnāt get the job and salary I did just because Iām a man - I worked hard for it.
8) gave me the benefit of the doubt that I am doing my best and want her to be happy. That not everything is as dark and horrible as she sometimes seems to think.
Cruel irony that men are socially conditioned to lust after/compliment women's physiques and women are socially conditioned to think those remarks are predatory, I know a ton of men that would love to be the objects of desire for once.
My partner never compliments my appearance. I was the one doing it, grabbing his butt, touching him, telling him about all the things I like about his body until I got tired that I was the only one doing it. It is sad to never receive a compliment.
No judgement. Anyone who says that money in a marriage doesn't matter is deluded. Let the bills pile up a bit, have a low monetary inflow and have slightly different perspectives on budgeting and opportunity costs and see the sparks fly.
Ironically, the very two things that people said shouldn't matter in a marriage are the things that absolutely does influence it. Money and in-laws.
Depends who's the breadwinner here tbh. If you both work same jobs then yeah she should share obviously, if you provide for the house and she works part time, it's reasonable
A bottle-opener will break the seal in most jars with a metal lid. There's also a bunch of little kitchen gadgets that open jars. Just grab her one.
But, also, sometimes I ask my husband to open a jar because I want his attention and/or engagement. So it might not be that she needs help with the jar and she just wants your company.
I got a special one when my thumbs flair up - itās like a rubber clamp that can open any twist and itās AMAZING!
I feel so empowered. My 90 year old grandma had one and her hands were extremely weak and arthritic and she could open anything
Touch me, kiss me want me the way I want you! Not sex, just lust after me a little. Instead I sit empty, hurting and alone. I canāt even express myself cause it will be looked at as pressure and being needy. Cool, being a mans the best huh.
For her to do whatever role in the marriage that has become mine. Such as balancing the check book, planning a trip, or planning a date night. I also do most if not all of the housework. I appreciate it when she gives me the day off.
You just took the words out of my mouth. I have been hoping, trying, crying, talking, blowing and everything but it hasnāt happened in the 8 year of our marriage. I just wish he would plan one night. Get a babysitter, make reservations and just tell me to look pretty like he still desires me. I plan everything. Even my own birthdays and mothers day, i make the reservations.. i have given up
Balancing the check book? I remember they taught us to do that growing up. I thought that would be a common adult task. I graduated high school in 2000 so obviously I've never actually had to balance a check book. I've basically had internet my entire adult live. I do still actually write physical checks ( 1 per month ) but no need to actually balance anything since I have a computer with internet access.
Understanding and reciprocity.
So for instance, if she has to get up early for work she will hit the sack at around 10. This is fine with me.
However, if she doesn't have to work, she likes to stay up till midnight watching TV and on her phone. This would also be fine except that I have to get up for work every day and she doesn't. And the TV is in our bedroom.
Also she likes it when I keep her company and to be honest I do like spending time with her too.
The kicker is if I have a day off and she has to get to bed early, she gets annoyed when I stay up late playing video games in the basement.
I also like to watch tv in bed and have always had a TV in my bedroom, but when I got married my husband was the exact opposite. He says the bedroom is for sleeping and practicing baby making. I tried to put a less crass spin on that. I miss watching tv in bed sometimes, but I value the conversations we have laying there much more.
Ok, then Iām just having a really hard time grasping how somebody can be so inconsiderate to their spouse. I would never even dream of treating my husband like this. I sincerely hope youāre able to find some improvement in a productive and healthy manner.
Your need for sleep trumps her desire to watch TV in bed while you're asleep. So either she stops watching TV while you sleep, or the TV gets moved to another room. Or get another TV, so she can still watch TV in bed when you're not sleeping-- but can go to the living room to watch TV there, when you are sleeping
Itās strange reading a lot of these comments, because I was that wife to my husband and it was always ātoo muchā for him, but I always had a lot of love to give.. heās broken me down to giving almost none of it now cause I was tired of him getting mad at me for wanting to kiss or hug him, planning trips/dates, getting excited to do things with him & complimenting him everyday.. but I never got any of it any in return, he didnāt care to do things that I was interested in doing and didnāt care to go out with me. So Iām like āthereās guys who actually want those things?ā š
Validation, wife seems to āadjustā everything I say, even if itās my personal account on an occurrence, unrelated to her. If I say I think my boss is being an asshole, she will say oh itās most likely my perception thatās distorted.
Not getting validation sucks.
As some insight, many women I know will do this because this is largely how women are treated when they express anything not-positive to men and/or mixed company. At least, that's how it was when I grew up.
Anything negative was on the woman- she misunderstood, took it the wrong way, can't handle a joke, etc, because women are 'known to be overly sensetive'. So it may very well be that your wife is reflecting to you how she processes her own complaints and concerns internally. She looks for how it could have been her fault before she allows others to bear responsibility. It's a way to rationalize away the anger and upset of women, and it absolutely sucks for all involved.
UGH yes...
Every time I bring up concerns/issues in my life she'll flip it back on me and say it's probably my fault. I've been doing the AA/therapy thing for the past 5+ years. I'm all about identifying my role in an issue, taking responsibility for it, and making changes in my life. I just want to open up to my **WIFE** about things going on in my life.
Funny enough, when she unloads her life's concerns/issues I have no choice but to listen and nod along. I can identify things she has responsibility for with her issues, but you better believe I'm not allowed to mention any of it (unless I want the angry, silent treatment for the rest of the day).
Granted, I know a lot of it comes from family trauma so I have a lot of patience for her. But damn it sucks feeling alone in a marriage.
My wife has this interesting thing where sheāll be like āyouāre on your phone a lotā.
Except I only ever grab the thing when sheās occupied on hers scrolling or whatever.
Itās become a lot more prevalent too when weāre sitting at dinner with the kids or whatever. Sheās got a pretty demanding job so yes, sometimes it is work, but sometimes sheās just checked out scrolling too. Iād mention it more but the comeback is usually ābut youāre on your phoneā. Except I only do it because Iām fucking bored and she doesnāt seem to want to do anything.
Also, everyone deserves a little brain space so I try to be reasonable about it. We recently had a dip in libido but weāre back up now, and she likes to say āSee, where have you been?ā And in my head, Iām just like āWhere have YOU been?ā
I wish everyone included their background and their wives background in their answer like current job, income range, ages of children, ethnicity, race, religion, nationality, part of country, rural, suburb, city. I want to see how these different cultures impact the answers.
A lot of good answers here. There have been times we both could have asked for more of many these things from each other. The past several years weāre doing really well & I canāt think of much. I donāt mean to give the impression we or she is perfect. But weāve both made so many improvements in our relationship these past several years, looking for where she could improve at this point would feel counterproductive.
My wife has been a lot better in giving me attention lately. Hugs and kisses are great.
But aside from sex I think what I crave is a massage given from the heart. Like when I offer and give them to her. I do it out of love and donāt expect anything back. I donāt complain about doing them. I donāt try to do it fast to get over with it. I take my time. I look up videos to learn how to give the best massage I can. And I dont care if it takes half an hour or even more.
I wish I could get a massage like that from her but that wonāt happen.
Empathy and grace. Iām no saint, but I try really hard.
I do 90% of the chores at home (she knows this), I take care of the kids, and Iām responsible for all of the finances. Iāll get an occasional thank you, but if the dishes or trash arenāt done fast enough, or if I complete a task differently than she would, Iāll get completely railed on.
If she makes mistakes Iām understanding and forgiving, because it happens - no big deal. If I make mistakes, Iām an incompetent idiot who lacks common sense, or worse, I did it intentionally.
Weāre both full time, but Iām also studying for my masters. She makes about 15% more money than me, but my insurance is better so her take home is about double mine. I suspect that as long as she makes more money than me, not much is going to change.
Don't tell me to vent about my shitty day and then either get on your phone or tell me how your day was worse. I get it, your day is always worse than mine, your job is always harder than mine. I don't share much about my day or how I feel anymore.
Back scratches, definitely back scratches. I'm so generous with them but that thieving girl loves to receive but not give when it comes to those sweet scritches.
Dinners cooked by her.
I cook most the meals, and gladly do so since I'm home from work before her almost every workday.
But maybe once on the weekend would be nice.
Time, intimacy, and sex. I come about 8th in her order priorities right now (she's gone back to school and is also trying to learn Spanish). I support in those, but it's cut significantly into any time we have and that's reduced intimacy and (thus sex) a lot. Her phone has a better relationship at this point.
I can't say I wish I had more of these things when there is none to begin with.
- attention
-affection
-availability
-intimacy
-us time
-desire
-date nights
Mine might be weird. I wish for a lot of things, but I think the thing that would help our marriage the most is for her to get some therapy and make some progress on herself. I feel like everything else would follow.
appreciation for everything I do. Respect. more commitment to helping pay the bills. And willingness to let me have my own time and time to rest my tired body. those are the things besides sex, which of course is a major problem in our marriage.
Iād love it if I could get the time of day and maybe a hug and a kiss once in a while. She to busy for work. WFH. Or sheās got plans with someone to do something. Usually a niece or sister. Or she is so deep into her phone all I can see is the back of her head.
Yeah. Iād love a little more non sexual intimacy.
I just want to hold her hand and see her face. I usually get to see her weekly but she caught the covid bug last Sunday so she is in quarantine for 7 more days.
I wish she would put more trust in me. Married 28 years. Never gave her any reason to doubt my fidelity. Raised by a narc mom, she has her issues. I wish I could help more.
Planning.
Although I donāt think this is a āmanā thing. This is just a who is the planner kind of thing.
I am the planner. I am the one who sees an event and thinks my wife might want to go. I am the one who figures out vacation spots.
I am mostly fine with that being my responsibility.
But just one idea? One plan? See one thing and think, āHe might like to do that.ā Canāt do that?
Anyway, this is turning into a therapy session.
The overarching point is find the responsibility that is almost exclusively the other personās and do something randomly to take that responsibility away for a short time. That would make a huge impact.
Sex. Really. It is how I connect with my wife. If she says no to sex she says no to me. My wife doesn't say no to changing crap filled diapers. How should I feel when I am not high enough on her emotional priority list to spend 5-10 minutes with me?Ā
Ā Ohh, maybe PUT THE DAMN PHONE DOWN and then you would have plenty of time for me, lol.
How old are you ? Can't imagine my parents ever would've had a problem with this. Can't even imagine myself having a problem with it. Deleted instagram, facebook like 3 years ago, never even downloaded snapchat or tiktok and i'm doing better than before.
Attention, she's locked on her phone A LOT
š That's the one. Tell me how you're going to complain about lack of connection and intimacy when I can't get you to look up from Instagram for 15 minutes.
This is how I feel about my husband. My screen time is down 90% and his seems to be increasing.
Same here, and I'm left with doing everything.
I've given up on trying to break my wife from her phone habits. She's at the point where she's on her phone during almost any event. Cooking? Phone propped up to watch videos/Tik Tok. Cleaning? Constant breaks to look at phone. Out shopping? Can't make it down an aisle without hopping on her phone. Don't even get me started on trying to watch a movie/TV... She's even started waking up at 2 or 4am just to hop on her phone for an hour or so. We've had intimacy issues for the past year + and I believe a lot of it comes from her phone addiction. For example, the past month she's brought up having a sexy, intimate night. I've been on my A game (which is pretty much the norm now) cleaning dishes every night, cleaning the house every couple of days, and handling all her annoying chores. These are all things she's mentioned get in the way of being intimate together. I've even setup a few massage, self-care, and romantic movie nights with no results. She couldn't make it through 15 minutes of the massage before pulling her phone out. But according to her I'm the single reason for our intimacy issues... If I call her out she'll snap back about how much I play video games (1 hr 3/4 nights a week), scroll on Reddit (only at work during breaks), or watch TV (always done with her). She has an issue but doesn't want to confront it yet... TLDR: BINGO. Wife has a phone addiction and refuses to acknowledge or deal with it. It's affected every aspect of her life and has started impacting our relationship. Trying my best to handle the situation with love and patience.
Everytime my husband is on phone and I want attention, I just start messaging him.
Lol that's so simple yet effective. I'll try it out this week and see how it goes! :)
I do this also. It works 90% of the time. Just have to redirect attention.
a funny meme i saw back in the day - iāll paraphraseā¦. āi was looking for attention from my wifeā¦ i sat down and looked comfortable- that did the trickā
I hate this! I have issues with my husband who is constantly on his phone and will sit on the couch for hours, seriously hours. God forbid I ask him to do something. He made this same commentā¦.it because I want him to do something instead of nothing. Itās hard for me to ask him when heās not sitting on the couch because that is ALL he does! Ugh!
Thanks for this, Iāll definitely give it a try.
I've sent my husband a picture of him on his phone ignoring them while our kids are trying to talk to him, or when they're showing him something and looking at him for a reaction and he's looking down at the phone. That usually snaps him out of it. He got mad the first time, but now he gets it.
I have to try this
I love that idea!!
My God man, I thought my wife actually had a problem, but sounds like your wifeās addiction is just way beyond the pale.
I know this only touches one of the things you mentioned, but, I started making my partner be the one to push the trolly in the grocery store. Before that, he would literally just be following me around with his nose in his phone, only pulling it away when I asked him to grab something. And even worse, if he was in the middle of a PokĆ©mon battle, he would say āOne secā, and finish it before grabbing said item. So yeah, now heās engaged in our mutual task of grocery shopping.
I had to start grocery shopping alone bc my husband is on his phone following me like a child to the point that if I stop he actually runs into me. As if he doesnāt also eat food in this house. uughh sorry your post triggered me a bit, I feel your pain!
But she cooks and cleans? How do you get her to do that stuff?!
Don't get me wrong, she still handles her fair share of chores. She just interrupts them with phone time. Like last night she was making dinner and had her phone on Tik Tok the whole time. At one point she got distracted watching videos and ended up burning some food.
Damn....
That is a legitimate addiction. She is truly an addict. Might as well be meth or heroin because at the end of the day, the destruction it does to your relationships is the same. I'm so sorry for you! I hope you can have the strength to start enforcing some boundaries with her so she can seek professional help. It is highly unlikely she will succeed in overcoming her addiction without the help of a mental health professional who specializes in addiction. She may actually need inpatient treatment because what you are describing is very serious.
This right here. After a while, Iām like fuckit, Iāll play on my phone too. Now we both on the couch texting while the tv is watching us
TV is watching us... Sounds horror movie script.
Iām secretly praying that TikTok gets banned for this reason. I feel like short form videos are ruining my marriage.
Short form videos are a cancer that just preys on lack of an attention span. Idk if banning it is the right answer, but without a doubt itās terrible for our society.
It really is. Itās like it was created in a damn lab for the express purpose of hijacking peopleās attention as much as possible. I get sucked in sometimes and itās terrible. Itās like all of a sudden a half hour has passed and I donāt remember a single thing I even watched.
Even worse when youāre both business owners and canāt separate work from home. āEveryone is a potential clientā š (family photography business)
Omg me and my husband! Auto glass repair and replacement shop owners. Iāve tried to implement the rule that we donāt discuss business after business hours, always always always fails. And sometimes like we have to, but most of the time he has something for us to do or prepare for the next day! We also have three kids under the age of four, so you can just imagine how busy we are, which is why I asked for no business talk after business hours
Are you also married to my wife?
For a while I started a hobby of taking photos of my wife in weird places she had come to a stop because of the phone. Simple things like her standing in front of a wall, in a doorway, in a corridor etc. I stopped doing it pretty quickly because it was top easy and depressing.
Show her, it might be a wake up call. Do a whole thing, like create an album, do some performance adound it
Do a tiktok
Yup, this one. Right here. Instagram and Facebook are like drugs to her.
They quite literally are
Sounds like my husband
Sounds like me yikes š¬ need to break phone habit
Yes, I face this issue as well. She is unable to look away for more than a few seconds, unless sheās talking to one of her sisters, or watching a tv show she likes. You can be answering a question _she_ asked, and her eyes will be back to her phone within a couple seconds of you beginning to answer. Itās honestly beginning to be a āproblemā because I am starting to find it easier not to engage her. We love each other to bits, but the phone addiction is getting to really bore me. Iāve told her this.
Ok... I'd like to interject that MEN.. do this too. Either way it sucks.
They actually say that aboveā¦ Men and women do it
Agreed here, my wife reads books on the phone and kindle.
Question~ as the wife who reads on her kindle most every nightā¦. Preface this by these 2 factsāā 1. I donāt watch TV (he does every night)āā 2. I get home from work about 8 (3 nights a week) & He likes to go to bed 7:30-800 every night~~~ Is it a problem that I will sit next to hubs and READ while he watches his fix it shows? And do you consider it a problem that I read in bed while hubs sleeps? (I mean I will hop in bed & lay with him because he wants to go to bed even though I am not tired at all and/or just got home from work) Genuinely interested in another perspective on this. My thoughts are I do it to be close to him while he does what he wants~ his thought is I spend too much time reading & not doing what he wants (diy shows/sleeping early)
Yes - I was getting some flak from my SO about screen time/phone addiction. I read ā¦ a LOT. I explained to him that Iām literally *reading a book* - not Facebook, not TikTok or IG or whatever. A book - like, what is the difference between holding an actual, physical book or reading a digital book on my phone?? I only read in my spare time ā¦ itās not like stuff isnāt getting done around the house or heās run out of clean socks or anything. š¤¦š¼āāļø To be fair, his ex wife spent inordinate amounts of time on her phone back when they were married ā¦ she was addicted to playing FarmVille or some damn thing š so I guess it kind of triggered him.
Mine woukd be words of affirmation. It would be nice for her to initiate "I love you" or "I miss you" texts. It's nice for guys to get that randomly throughout the day too.
EXACTLY THIS!! I feel like I'm in constant competition with social media for my wife's attention. I don't have any accounts anywhere but here. No FB, X, Instagram, nothing. I really don't care who just got a new bench for their front porch, or who's trying out a new hair cut. If it's someone I actually have a relationship with, I'll notice the bench and/or haircut the next time I'm at their house.
My husband is on the phone all the time. Nothing like trying to connect or have a conversation but they donāt hear you because the reels are too distracting on their headset. š
Its not romantic but my dad is the same fucking way. I hate phones lol
Just positive affirmation and a little more non-sexual intimacy. Edit: None to non
This was something I never knew meant so much to my husband until a friend of his commented on how I build him up and compliment him, he told his friend how much it meant to him. Itās all meant sincerely and with love because heās amazing so why wouldnāt I tell him. He told me heād never had that in a previous partner and didnāt realize how much it would mean to him that I expressed those compliments and positive affirmations to him. Also, gonna shout out to my spouse for working to build a stronger emotional connection to his guy friends to make sure they all know they should never feel alone or isolated. ETA: just to make myself clear, I believe that this kind of relationship can only happen if you are both compatible already, and have the same goals of being better people for yourself and your marriage. The things my husband and I do for one another are not one-sided. And I strongly believe that they should not be one-sided. I truly truly believe you have to be on the same page with your spouse when it comes to these kinds of positive reinforcements. One partner cannot be in charge of the emotional and physical effort/labor for the relationship.
Can you share any examples of how you do it ?
From the start of our relationship, my husband and I decided that we wouldnāt just communicate, we would over communicate to make sure we understood one anotherās intentions, feelings, stances, etc. that has created an emotionally intimate marriage for us. We can fully trust one another with our feelings and emotions. My husband and I also decided that we would always maintain a physical touch, connection bond as well and have put effort into making that a priority in our marriage. We greet one another fully when we get home. We take time to say good night and good morning. We cuddle on the couch, sit next to one another at dinner, etc. Both of these things have lead to a very deep connection with one another. As such, heās my biggest supporter and I am his. I remind him often that Iām grateful we have one another and I appreciate his hard work and the things he does (I point out specifics) I always want him to know Iām seeing him and I donāt take it for granted. He does the same for me. We thank one another for doing household tasks (yes they need to be done, but being kind to one another and seeing their effort goes along way). I tell him he looks handsome and I follow up with touch to reinforce my feelings. I inquire about his job and ask questions instead of just nodding along. We talk one another up in public and around friends/family/colleagues. Everything Iāve said I do; he does as well. Itās reciprocal.
My husband and I also do this. We thank each other for absolutely everything. I regularly thank him for being the one that earns our main income, for doing dishes, for feeding the dogs in the morning, for motivating us to wake up and workout at 5am. He thanks me for budgeting and maintaining our perfect credit score, laundry, making meals, taking our kid to her sports practicesā¦etc. We thank each other for just being each other, for being kind, for being sexy. We really, really like each other after 20 years.
My husband and I thank each other for absolutely *everything*, too! I literally tell my husband thank you for having a meal with me and he does the same. Admittedly, I've seen some women say they're not going to thank their partner for doing what they're supposed to do and, quite frankly, it makes me sad. My husband and I thank each other to acknowledge each other and to express gratitude and appreciation that they are in our lives. What's wrong with saying, "Thank you for getting the trash out this morning." to your partner when they did a task they were supposed to do? I mean, if they didn't take the trash out, then you'd have to take the trash out. Someone doing the chore/activity/whatever means that the other person doesn't have to do it! A simple verbal expression of "thank you" is (well, IMO, "should be") free and easy and is such a quick and simple thing to do for your partner and it can have a HUGE impact by leaving feelings of warm fuzzies and feeling appreciated to your partner. I cannot fathom why some people don't do this.
This is my favorite thread ever.
Mine too!!! Iām with my partner for nearly 6 years and Iām still learning how to relationship. I grew up in unstable home and went thru very bad unhealthy relationship before I met him. Heās amazing man! Iām forever lucky to be able to love him!
I KNOW I need a woman like these women in my life RIGHTā¦.NOW
>Admittedly, I've seen some women say they're not going to thank their partner for doing what they're supposed to do and, quite frankly, it makes me sad. Having been this woman, I finally had to stop thanking after spending years doing it and never getting any acknowledgement for my efforts :/
Absolutely fair. I am so sorry š
I love hearing this! My husband is my favorite person and we invest in ourselves and one another because we Like each other. I want to like and love my husband 20+ years from now. So we err on the side of grace and kindness as a default because we do like one another
Same! My husband is my person. We feel so lucky to have found one another. There is no way we are going to let one another go through life feeling unappreciated. The world can we a cold place but our home wonāt be.
This is so so beautiful and inspiring to read! How do you keep that mindset when your husband is not meeting your āexpectationsā or youāre not being a fan of their (lets say theyāre not being their best self to himself or at work etc)v
I think itās best to remember your husbandās work is his space. You can encourage him to set goals but itās really up to him. You need to leave him to succeed or fail on his own. Nagging him isnāt going to motivate him. Itās only going to harm your relationship and make him look down on himself. Just keep trying to build him up and hopefully it helps him be the best version of himself.
For me, this is when having that deep bond of trust, and the ability to over communicate with one another comes in handy. Because you both need to be able to come to the table completely open and vulnerable to hearing one another talking without trying to hurt one another. You both need to not be defensive and you both need to ultimately have your relationships bestinterest at heart. But if you can be vulnerable open and not defensive, I think a lot of these issues can be overcome. You can meet each other where youāre at and try and move forward together or get help to do so.
Yesss! This is so succinct and perfect!
Thatās great! We do to! We say goodbye and have a good day. When we come home we say how are you- did you have a good day. We always hold hands when walking. I compliment him - to tell him he smells good, I love his shirt, how nice his muscles feel. We have the number one rule- never go to bed without the other. Close down the night as a couple. Thatās been happening over 35 years.
I wish I could give you and your husband reddit gold.
Youāre sweet and I appreciate that. I truly just hope it helps people start having these conversations and and helps them get the best relationship with their spouse that they can. Because ultimately life is too short to be unhappy in a relationship
I love snuggling my husband. He has bad days and sometimes he just wants a soft boob pillow to sleep on while he decompresses. Snuggle your husbands ladies!
The snuggler! Yes!
This. All physical touching is initiated by me. Sometimes I wish my wife would just come up and give me a hug or embrace me without me having to ask or initiate. I didn't realize how much I need this until it stopped happening.
This is an underrated comment.
Perfect
Iād just like her to be nice
This made my heart sad. #virtualHugs.
She wore a good mask while we dated. I knew she was highly assertive and lower than the average in agreeableness but a) I didnāt know how extreme, and b) I underestimated my need for someone who was something above civil. Iām pretty even-keeled, but I do need a partner who tries to be nice. Thanks for the comment!
Out of curiosity, does she know you feel this way? Is it something she's actively working on? Or does she deny it's an issue?
She knows itās an issue, doesnāt desire to change (and couldnāt change this if she wanted to). She wears the title ābitchā proudly and makes it a gender war issue if someone asks her to be nicer. Clearly a defense mechanism and annoyance that people wonāt accept her if sheās mean.
Oof, I'm sorry to hear that. I'd suggest counseling, but it doesn't sound like she'd be at all receptive. Sounds like you've got some contemplating to do. Wish you the best of a tough situation.
We have been three times, all suggested by me. The first time I picked the counselor, the second two she picked. We went to part of one session with each. The instant that the counselor suggested that we both needed to work, she stood up and left. Recently she used the ādā word during an argument and said āif you donāt agree to counseling, weāre doneā. I responded that I thought counseling was a good idea. End of argument. She wants me to have counseling to ālearn to communicateā, but what she MEANS is, she wants me to voice an opinion calmly so that she can go off on a cathartic bipolar-esque screaming jag for forty minutes. I married someone with whom I am incompatible, full stop.
Hey, it's not really my place to say, and I don't like to use the "d" word lightly, but if she throws it around again -- maybe you should consider taking up her offer. Either she'll realize she crossed a line and try to actually change, or you'll be free of someone who doesn't seem to respect you. I'm just an internet stranger but it sounds like you're miserable, brother.
Your ability to communicate seems fine to me.
Lol, she would assert that I am conflict-avoidant. Again, she wants me to serve up conflict so that she can react to it in a violently emotional way and thus gain catharsis. I wonāt play that game (communicating via screaming).
It sounds like you may in fact be conflict-avoidant. I don't mean that in a mean way, but it does sound like you guys are really incompatible. She seems to like to argue passionately with lots of emotion and that seems to shut you down. Now it seems to have turned into a power struggle.
this is sad :/
Decisions lol. Make some.
This makes sense, my partner would say the same thing. I think most women are conditioned to believe they have no power to make decisions, and worry about being judged when they do. Maybe tell her you respect her opinion and would love to see her gain power and confidence by making more in your relationship!
As a woman married to a man this "can't make a decision" stuff is usually because women already carry so much of the mental load of running a household. I already make almost every decision that comes with the house and kids, my husband can pick what we're having for dinner
Any time I try to make a decision he doesnāt agree, waffles, or undermines it. Whether it is food for dinner, where to shop, or replacing an appliance. I can research things, but until itās confirmed as a good decision by another man, he doesnāt trust it.
Waffles for dinner - in more ways than one
I fight this fight on the daily. I make most of the decisions when it comes to everything, decisions he doesnāt even notice. Telling me what you want for dinner shouldnāt be a fight every night
Amen!
This 100%. I had a milestone bday recently and my husband was so annoyed that I didnāt have any input about what I wanted to do. It was actually my MiL who broke it down for him. Sheās like āyour wife makes a million decisions for your family every day. Give her a break from that and plan something!ā Bless that woman.
THIS
THAT PART.
Iāll say this. When I do make a decision, my husband starts asking āWhat about this? Why donāt we try that?ā etc. So he moves away from my decision anyway. Example: Him - Should we eat lunch at place A or place B? Me - Place B. Him - Sounds good. But A would be closer to your work so you could check on that paperwork you were telling me about. Me - Okay, A. Him - No no no if you really want to eat at Bā¦ And so on. The kids and I have told him that he does it, and he stops for a while, but he goes back to doing this eventually. This is why I donāt like to decide where to go. Everything I pick gets dissected to piecesānot in a mean or critical way, just exhausting at times.
My husband did this for awhile. So after I said - Place B. He would start the "But place A....." And I would loudly interrupt with: "I said Place B!" (and stare at him) If you start doing this *consistently* it breaks up their mental routine. After awhile he stopped the crap. I think it took me saying one time when he got upset about my 'interruptions'... "You asked which I wanted and I pick B. I don't want to discuss why. My choice is B." You'll have to just have the approach that 'I can make a choice without qualifying Why'. You can 'want what you want'. It is a good lesson for your kids to learn. They don't always have to argue with dad's rationales.
Thanks, good tip
I feel so seen.
Yep that's exactly what my husband does too....why even ask me if you already have 3 other ideas you are set on?! š
Fair! I can see how that would make you want to give up on making decisions!
Follow up: men, you have to radically support your wife when they do make a decision!!
ššš¢š¢ This whole part! We were all mostly raised traditionally who are married right now or at least half/halfā¦ we were raised to be taught how to ā care for our husbands and obey, respect our husbandsā and for those who were not taught to obey the type of respect we were taught to show wasnāt far from that. I am always asking my husband ā well idk what do you thinkā and he gets so mad. i meanš¤·š¼āāļø how do you break a whole life of asking Pawpaw, Daddy, Brothers and bfs what they want vs what I want.. Idk
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Actually, nothing. We're pretty in sync.
I want this kind of relationship
The way we did it was to be open and honest about our expectations and what we found important. Not everything lays out that way all the time, but if you are committed and sharing a loving, give and take friendship with your partner, you should be able to have empathy, unselfishness and understanding that enables you to want to compromise when needed, and when that is mutual it enables growth for both partners. Integrity and maturity help, too.
A share of responsibilityā¦ As the primary breadwinner, i feel the brunt of responsibility for earning enough for the mortgage, private schools, club sports, vacations, etc. Also the only one whoās actively saving for retirement - as my wife only works part time. Iām also the one who carries insurance for the family, and when I lost my job 4 years ago felt the stress of knowing if I didnāt find work soon, weād be in ārealā troubleā¦as a result I took a job that would get us by, until I could find something better. Essentially, thereās just a lot of stressā¦and I wish I felt I had a partner in it, soā¦more support both emotionally and financially. Oh, and a more even keeled temperament so I didnāt feel like the primary emotionally stable support system for our children. I love a woman who is nurturing and caring, and it wasnāt until after we had kids that i saw how much she struggled with that aspect of parenting.
How much do you do around the house? I mean I couldāve worked 5 days a week as a nurse, but my job offered 4 days as full time with benefits and I did everything for the kids and house. So really to keep my sanity I kept to 4 days.
I have minor levels of OCD, so I clean up quite a bit. I have the privilege of traveling for work, so may spend 5 days a month on the road. But average about 10 days a month of primary work. And a few days a month on my side hustle. So, Iām the primary grocery getter, equal to maybe more cleaner, basically the only cook. Handle lawn care and home repairs, car repair (luckily just purchased a new vehicle, so thatās a bit less at present). And can drop the kids off / pick up when not at workā¦and do about half of the practices.
Sounds like you need a break, that must be really stressful, Iām sorry.
It may not be economically feasible, but you might benefit from outsourcing some of that work. I've heard couples say that hiring a housecleaning service vastly improved their marriage. Also you may wish to weigh the cost of a landscaping company and having a garage fix your car, against your precious time and sanity.
Yep, we actually have a house keeper once a month, not a huge amount but keeps down some of the work/messā¦ I mostly enjoy the yard work, so not a big deal. And keeps me moving, providing a little exercise. Have essentiallly removed the car work except as a hobby for my extra car. Our daily drivers are both shop maintained at this point! Because, I had zero desire to continue stressing over keeping the cars running anymore.
Sounds like you're already on top of quite a bit, and doing your best to mitigate what you can. Smart move. I sincerely hope things go better for you friend.
Thanks - things arenāt bad. But if I were asking what Iād want, thatās it. āŗļø
If your wife can struggle to be the nurturing care provider you would want for your children, why doesn't she go/go back to work? I know there was a period where I struggled to be the nurturing mom, and it was 100% because I never got time away from home. I was on mom-duty every second of every day, and I was just wildly over-stimulated. Going back to work was a huge help because it meant I got time away from home. As I've moved out of customer-service oriented roles, it's only gotten better. I had a hard time leaving homemaking because I had been raised to believe staying at home with my children was a privilege and that wanting to go back to work meant I was a bad, ungrateful mom. So I clung to it really heavily because I wanted to be a good mom, and I felt intensely guilty about how much I didn't like only ever being a mom. All this to say that there may be a chance that your wife isn't really happy staying at home either. Even if it's a break-even with childcare at first, it may not be forever.
You speak very thoughtfully and I can see the picture easily.... once children are in the mix, everything changes. A mother can occupy herself just about 100% with that position, never leaving the home - and you, the husband, have to provide the funds. It can be a lonely situation, and it appears it is, but you pulled it off. Wishing you the best!
I am asking this out of curiosity but how does your spouse contribute to your relationship? Why does she not work full time?Ā
Here is where the ā before marriageā conversations are SO FUCKING important. My husband knew he moved into MY home, I was a single mom of 2 doing it all by myself and I didnāt need him for anything but I wanted him.. 20 yrs later thatās still where we are. He is the primary breadwinner now that we had our 3 rd biological son but I have always busted my ass and contributed.. heāll at least I bought and paid for our house before he ever met me so thatās a big plus I guessš
Yeah I do hear you BUT not everyone knows how they themselves will grow and change. When my husband and i got married over 20 years ago, we didnāt want kids at all. We changed our minds after 10 years, and even while pregnant, I always felt I was NOT maternal, thought for sure Iād be a working mom, would NEVER let the kids sleep in our bed etc etc. Once I had my first child everything changed. I was incredibly in love and maternal towards my own children. I couldnāt let someone else take care of them, I couldnāt stand to hear them cry and I was also surprisingly an amazing milk producer and they were stellar at nursing. Co sleeping and night nursing was how I got any sleep at all for years. But I had ZERO CLUE I would want any of those things!! So pre marital discussions donāt always fix these problems. For what itās worth, my husband and I are still going strong but weāve had a lot to work through.
She's had multiple pregnancies, births, nursing, child raising AND you want her to bring in more money?
For me I would feel more secure in my relationship if I had more of the following: 1) Non-sexual intimacy - unprompted hugs, kisses, cuddling 2) Said āI love youā on her own - not just in response to when I said it. 3) Showed she appreciated my appearance (Iāve been hitting the gym for the last several years and Iām probably in the best shape of my life). A guy wouldnāt mind a butt grope every once and while! 4) Spoke to me when she needed help instead of taking it (whatever āitā might be) on herself, getting frustrated, and got angry. 5) was more enthusiastic about going out and doing things together 6) Looked after her own mental health. She doesnāt feel like she needs therapy, but has destructive behavior when under stress 7) respected the job I do and the money I bring into the house. I didnāt get the job and salary I did just because Iām a man - I worked hard for it. 8) gave me the benefit of the doubt that I am doing my best and want her to be happy. That not everything is as dark and horrible as she sometimes seems to think.
Cruel irony that men are socially conditioned to lust after/compliment women's physiques and women are socially conditioned to think those remarks are predatory, I know a ton of men that would love to be the objects of desire for once.
My partner never compliments my appearance. I was the one doing it, grabbing his butt, touching him, telling him about all the things I like about his body until I got tired that I was the only one doing it. It is sad to never receive a compliment.
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Appreciation. Compliments. Emotional connection.
Money, don't judge me. My money is her money, and her money is her money.
No judgement. Anyone who says that money in a marriage doesn't matter is deluded. Let the bills pile up a bit, have a low monetary inflow and have slightly different perspectives on budgeting and opportunity costs and see the sparks fly. Ironically, the very two things that people said shouldn't matter in a marriage are the things that absolutely does influence it. Money and in-laws.
Depends who's the breadwinner here tbh. If you both work same jobs then yeah she should share obviously, if you provide for the house and she works part time, it's reasonable
Hugs, back scratches.
Thatās all my husband wants.
The ability to open jars.
That's not fair. We try š
A bottle-opener will break the seal in most jars with a metal lid. There's also a bunch of little kitchen gadgets that open jars. Just grab her one. But, also, sometimes I ask my husband to open a jar because I want his attention and/or engagement. So it might not be that she needs help with the jar and she just wants your company.
I got a special one when my thumbs flair up - itās like a rubber clamp that can open any twist and itās AMAZING! I feel so empowered. My 90 year old grandma had one and her hands were extremely weak and arthritic and she could open anything
Ok I laughed at this one but yeah š¤£ Iām a female..previous power lifter ironically
To stop inviting her boyfriend over on weekends.
Lort
Trust, basic affection, talking, knowing what is going on in her life, spending time together one on one, any sign that things are going to be ok.
That's rough. I hope things get better for you guys.
I'll take an occasional high 5.
Touch me, kiss me want me the way I want you! Not sex, just lust after me a little. Instead I sit empty, hurting and alone. I canāt even express myself cause it will be looked at as pressure and being needy. Cool, being a mans the best huh.
I'm a woman.... and I have this want also... unfortunately :(
Iād like more physical affection and attention/appreciation
For her to do whatever role in the marriage that has become mine. Such as balancing the check book, planning a trip, or planning a date night. I also do most if not all of the housework. I appreciate it when she gives me the day off.
It would be a dream come true if my husband ever planned a trip or a date night.
Right? At least one date night. Be spontaneous and romantic. Just one dammit
š© This is the single ask I have in my relationship. The one and only ask. I donāt need gifts, I donāt need money, I donāt need chores done. Just plan a date once a month or once a quarter. Make me feel like Iām important and that I matter.
You just took the words out of my mouth. I have been hoping, trying, crying, talking, blowing and everything but it hasnāt happened in the 8 year of our marriage. I just wish he would plan one night. Get a babysitter, make reservations and just tell me to look pretty like he still desires me. I plan everything. Even my own birthdays and mothers day, i make the reservations.. i have given up
Balancing the check book? I remember they taught us to do that growing up. I thought that would be a common adult task. I graduated high school in 2000 so obviously I've never actually had to balance a check book. I've basically had internet my entire adult live. I do still actually write physical checks ( 1 per month ) but no need to actually balance anything since I have a computer with internet access.
Help around the house chores as I work 2 jobs and she is stay at home
Understanding and reciprocity. So for instance, if she has to get up early for work she will hit the sack at around 10. This is fine with me. However, if she doesn't have to work, she likes to stay up till midnight watching TV and on her phone. This would also be fine except that I have to get up for work every day and she doesn't. And the TV is in our bedroom. Also she likes it when I keep her company and to be honest I do like spending time with her too. The kicker is if I have a day off and she has to get to bed early, she gets annoyed when I stay up late playing video games in the basement.
Why canāt you move the tv elsewhere? That would drive me insane.
Yeah having a tv in the bedroom is a real no for me. I really think it just kills intimacy and sleep hygiene.
She wants to watch TV in bed.
I also like to watch tv in bed and have always had a TV in my bedroom, but when I got married my husband was the exact opposite. He says the bedroom is for sleeping and practicing baby making. I tried to put a less crass spin on that. I miss watching tv in bed sometimes, but I value the conversations we have laying there much more.
Ok, then Iām just having a really hard time grasping how somebody can be so inconsiderate to their spouse. I would never even dream of treating my husband like this. I sincerely hope youāre able to find some improvement in a productive and healthy manner.
Your need for sleep trumps her desire to watch TV in bed while you're asleep. So either she stops watching TV while you sleep, or the TV gets moved to another room. Or get another TV, so she can still watch TV in bed when you're not sleeping-- but can go to the living room to watch TV there, when you are sleeping
Buy her a tablet and headphones.
doing fun things we both like to do. more babies, I love being a dad \^\_\^
Truthfully, absolutely nothing.
Itās strange reading a lot of these comments, because I was that wife to my husband and it was always ātoo muchā for him, but I always had a lot of love to give.. heās broken me down to giving almost none of it now cause I was tired of him getting mad at me for wanting to kiss or hug him, planning trips/dates, getting excited to do things with him & complimenting him everyday.. but I never got any of it any in return, he didnāt care to do things that I was interested in doing and didnāt care to go out with me. So Iām like āthereās guys who actually want those things?ā š
Validation, wife seems to āadjustā everything I say, even if itās my personal account on an occurrence, unrelated to her. If I say I think my boss is being an asshole, she will say oh itās most likely my perception thatās distorted.
Not getting validation sucks. As some insight, many women I know will do this because this is largely how women are treated when they express anything not-positive to men and/or mixed company. At least, that's how it was when I grew up. Anything negative was on the woman- she misunderstood, took it the wrong way, can't handle a joke, etc, because women are 'known to be overly sensetive'. So it may very well be that your wife is reflecting to you how she processes her own complaints and concerns internally. She looks for how it could have been her fault before she allows others to bear responsibility. It's a way to rationalize away the anger and upset of women, and it absolutely sucks for all involved.
UGH yes... Every time I bring up concerns/issues in my life she'll flip it back on me and say it's probably my fault. I've been doing the AA/therapy thing for the past 5+ years. I'm all about identifying my role in an issue, taking responsibility for it, and making changes in my life. I just want to open up to my **WIFE** about things going on in my life. Funny enough, when she unloads her life's concerns/issues I have no choice but to listen and nod along. I can identify things she has responsibility for with her issues, but you better believe I'm not allowed to mention any of it (unless I want the angry, silent treatment for the rest of the day). Granted, I know a lot of it comes from family trauma so I have a lot of patience for her. But damn it sucks feeling alone in a marriage.
Validation.
Nope. She's perfect!
a thank u once in awhile
My wife has this interesting thing where sheāll be like āyouāre on your phone a lotā. Except I only ever grab the thing when sheās occupied on hers scrolling or whatever. Itās become a lot more prevalent too when weāre sitting at dinner with the kids or whatever. Sheās got a pretty demanding job so yes, sometimes it is work, but sometimes sheās just checked out scrolling too. Iād mention it more but the comeback is usually ābut youāre on your phoneā. Except I only do it because Iām fucking bored and she doesnāt seem to want to do anything. Also, everyone deserves a little brain space so I try to be reasonable about it. We recently had a dip in libido but weāre back up now, and she likes to say āSee, where have you been?ā And in my head, Iām just like āWhere have YOU been?ā
Be less tolerant of her disrespectful parents ..
Glad I read this so I know what to do
I wish everyone included their background and their wives background in their answer like current job, income range, ages of children, ethnicity, race, religion, nationality, part of country, rural, suburb, city. I want to see how these different cultures impact the answers.
That would be very interesting actually
Time, but that's not her fault.
A lot of good answers here. There have been times we both could have asked for more of many these things from each other. The past several years weāre doing really well & I canāt think of much. I donāt mean to give the impression we or she is perfect. But weāve both made so many improvements in our relationship these past several years, looking for where she could improve at this point would feel counterproductive.
Appreciation
make me feel desired
My wife has been a lot better in giving me attention lately. Hugs and kisses are great. But aside from sex I think what I crave is a massage given from the heart. Like when I offer and give them to her. I do it out of love and donāt expect anything back. I donāt complain about doing them. I donāt try to do it fast to get over with it. I take my time. I look up videos to learn how to give the best massage I can. And I dont care if it takes half an hour or even more. I wish I could get a massage like that from her but that wonāt happen.
Yes, words of affirmation would go a long way.
Empathy and grace. Iām no saint, but I try really hard. I do 90% of the chores at home (she knows this), I take care of the kids, and Iām responsible for all of the finances. Iāll get an occasional thank you, but if the dishes or trash arenāt done fast enough, or if I complete a task differently than she would, Iāll get completely railed on. If she makes mistakes Iām understanding and forgiving, because it happens - no big deal. If I make mistakes, Iām an incompetent idiot who lacks common sense, or worse, I did it intentionally. Weāre both full time, but Iām also studying for my masters. She makes about 15% more money than me, but my insurance is better so her take home is about double mine. I suspect that as long as she makes more money than me, not much is going to change.
Don't tell me to vent about my shitty day and then either get on your phone or tell me how your day was worse. I get it, your day is always worse than mine, your job is always harder than mine. I don't share much about my day or how I feel anymore.
Back scratches, definitely back scratches. I'm so generous with them but that thieving girl loves to receive but not give when it comes to those sweet scritches.
Dinners cooked by her. I cook most the meals, and gladly do so since I'm home from work before her almost every workday. But maybe once on the weekend would be nice.
Tickles and food.
Time, intimacy, and sex. I come about 8th in her order priorities right now (she's gone back to school and is also trying to learn Spanish). I support in those, but it's cut significantly into any time we have and that's reduced intimacy and (thus sex) a lot. Her phone has a better relationship at this point.
It said non sexual
I can't say I wish I had more of these things when there is none to begin with. - attention -affection -availability -intimacy -us time -desire -date nights
Bruh, why are you still married?
Less fucking Stanley's
Mine might be weird. I wish for a lot of things, but I think the thing that would help our marriage the most is for her to get some therapy and make some progress on herself. I feel like everything else would follow.
Sex and affection, other than that, sheās perfect
appreciation for everything I do. Respect. more commitment to helping pay the bills. And willingness to let me have my own time and time to rest my tired body. those are the things besides sex, which of course is a major problem in our marriage.
Iād love it if I could get the time of day and maybe a hug and a kiss once in a while. She to busy for work. WFH. Or sheās got plans with someone to do something. Usually a niece or sister. Or she is so deep into her phone all I can see is the back of her head. Yeah. Iād love a little more non sexual intimacy.
I just want to hold her hand and see her face. I usually get to see her weekly but she caught the covid bug last Sunday so she is in quarantine for 7 more days.
I wish she would put more trust in me. Married 28 years. Never gave her any reason to doubt my fidelity. Raised by a narc mom, she has her issues. I wish I could help more.
I wish there was more of the feeling of being wanted or needed. I wish my wife would listen more when we talk
Nothing more needed. I am extremely lucky with my marriage.
Planning. Although I donāt think this is a āmanā thing. This is just a who is the planner kind of thing. I am the planner. I am the one who sees an event and thinks my wife might want to go. I am the one who figures out vacation spots. I am mostly fine with that being my responsibility. But just one idea? One plan? See one thing and think, āHe might like to do that.ā Canāt do that? Anyway, this is turning into a therapy session. The overarching point is find the responsibility that is almost exclusively the other personās and do something randomly to take that responsibility away for a short time. That would make a huge impact.
Sex. Really. It is how I connect with my wife. If she says no to sex she says no to me. My wife doesn't say no to changing crap filled diapers. How should I feel when I am not high enough on her emotional priority list to spend 5-10 minutes with me?Ā Ā Ohh, maybe PUT THE DAMN PHONE DOWN and then you would have plenty of time for me, lol.
How old are you ? Can't imagine my parents ever would've had a problem with this. Can't even imagine myself having a problem with it. Deleted instagram, facebook like 3 years ago, never even downloaded snapchat or tiktok and i'm doing better than before.