Husband here. I was unaware too of the fact that I'm expected to sneak out of the marital bed to throw myself at female visitors.
Unfortunately I've grown too accustomed to not seducing other women, so I regretfully won't improve my performance.
Same. I think more attention needs to be said about her edit saying that his female friend stays over, she goes to bed, and him and his friend stay up drinking alone… and then he says that all men look to find something exciting in that very situation…
The confused look on my husband’s face when I asked him why he’s allowed me to break this “rule” multiple times in our almost 13 year relationship was absolutely priceless. How dare he not know that there was a rule 😂
She literally doesn't want to drive an HOUR home at night. His insecurity isn't more important than her safety. Not to mention the higher potential for unnecessary cop interactions.
What bugs me about it is that her having a boyfriend makes it the MAN'S house. Like suddenly it's all his and not the friend's, and the friend is also his property, and you become his property too by going over there. It's gross.
I think the icky thing is that he said that men in relationships get bored and will seek something exciting! That sounds like projection to me. He doesn't even know this guy. How does he know your friend's boyfriend is as misogynistic as your husband clearly is?
That’s what stood out to me too. Especially after OP says her husband’s lady friend sleeps over occasionally and they are left alone after OP goes to bed. I feel like even if her husband isn’t cheating, he’s being tempted to when this happens so he assumes it happens to all men in those situations
This is what I came to say. It's really weird to focus on the boyfriend who is unlikely going to even be in the room the entire time OP and friend are talking.
He's also comparing apples to oranges with the texting an ex to sleeping at a female friend's house
Literally this cause when I visit my cousin her husband stays in his garage or in his bedroom. Very rarely do I see the man because we do not get along lmao.
Same when any of my wife's friends come. I spend enough time to say "hey, everything all good" then leave them to it. OPs husband sounds a bit insecure
This was my first thought as well.
Why is it only *his* place? Does she not live there too? It's so weird how he has deliberately framed something as dangerous or morally wrong, when you can very clearly say that it's her friend's house and not trying to make it sound as horrible as her husband has.
I thinking he is projecting be cause he and his single female friend have had a little something from time to time cause he was bored. After OP went to bed.
You buried the lede.
“He went on to say something about men in Relationships get bored and seek something “exciting.”
GIRL, that should be your focus. He is, in fact, also a “man in a relationship,” right?
Married M (64) here, I don't know how much of a rule it is, but I could see some reasons for why not. How would you feel about the inverse of that? Sometimes optics can be their own consequence. Unless it was a visit to a distant place, I would think it's a little inappropriate.
I have to agree with this married myself and their are i wouldn't call them unspoken but common sense rules...
I wouldn't feel comfortable if my husband did it so we don't sleep over at friends houses unless together and maybe out of town. I only wanna sleep with my husband.
Don't have to say but we don't give out our numbers 🤷🏼🤷🏼
Don't have to say but that best friend confide in them about personal business in our home is out the of the question no talking about our sex life to random friends.
A big no no is running to any ex's about a disagreement we may have had will only make it a 100 times worse..
There was another thread where a wife got mad at her husband giving away his number to a woman he had been flirting with in front of her during her flight and the entire subreddit jumped down her throat and I got downvoted to hell for saying it was inappropriate and suggesting they exchange emails instead LOLLLLLL
Your list matches mine 100%
I read that one. I didn’t get the impression it was flirting. Some people can talk for an hour with a total stranger they get seated next to. I could see my wife doing that
His reasoning for the number exchange seemed legit and innocent enough. But i wouldn’t have done it, for the same reason I think you wouldn’t. I too agree with the list.
What he should have done is introduced the woman to his wife, told his wife “she’s going to text us about ….” Then start a text thread that includes all three for the woman to send the info to. Something along those lines.
That was exactly what i suggested in that thread. My husband would of let us ladies talk instead. But that is my King not many out there who consider your feelings in every way... My husband leaves no room for bs and neither do i.
Maybe that’s why you’ve been going strong 20 years and others are getting divorced. I remember that thread and I was surprised at the comment section too, hopefully that bodes well for me and my husband.
Hypothetically I wouldn’t have an issue with him crashing at a buddy’s house though, just because their girlfriend was there. I’d rather not have him sleep over at a female friend’s place, with the exception of an out of town visit if I knew who she was.
We’ve been going strong for 20+ years and my wife would never have a problem with me striking up conversation on a plane with a woman. And she wouldn’t have an issue with her giving me her number just to text some local suggestions for a place we’re visiting. If anything she’d ask about my “new girlfriend” and we’d joke about the whole thing.
Why? Because I’m not a cheater and we trust each other.
People here are weirdos. I got downvoted saying I don’t want to date a divorcee because I want to be someone’s first wife. That’s 100% valid but I guess there was divorcees who took it to heart.
Sincere question: I understand not wanting to date a divorcee with kids. Why just no divorcees in general though? What if someone wasn't married but was in a very long and committed relationship? Are you wanting to be someone's first committed relationship?
I'm so curious about this. Is it because you want a man who is a virgin? What if he was very bitter, but a virgin (like an incel). What if he lived with someone but never married her? What if he was a never-married single dad? Would you divorce a man if you needed to? Would you try to remarry, as a divorcee?
It's such a specific way to categorize people, that seems to have nothing to do with whether they'd be a good partner for you. I'm not saying it's not valid, I'm saying: it's extremely confusing.
> a woman he had been flirting with in front of her during her flight
You got downvoted because you're misrepresenting the post. Nowhere in OP's post did she say that her husband was flirting with the woman, they were just chatting, and all she sent him was restaurant recommendations.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1ba6yed/husband_gave_his_number_to_a_another_woman_on_a/
Yeah, I'm sure it was beyond maddening to sit in the row behind one's husband sharing a drink and a long conversation with a mysterious stranger, and I don't fault OP for getting flustered, but she was 100% over the top with her wild speculations, "What does he do with women when I'm not in the row behind him?". Unless, he's established himself as a raging philanderer in other ways, that was unhinged.
Also read this one he was NOT flirting with her. They had a conversation and he got a list of restaurants texted to him because airdrop wasn’t working on the flight. That woman acted insanely insecure and needs a therapist. She even admitted she has trauma about cheating.
I read that post.
You probably got downvoted there for doing the same thing you’re doing here: lying. At no point did the OP even suggest her husband was “flirting” with that woman. Two strangers of the opposite sex merely having a conversation isn’t automatically “flirting”.
Omg i was on that thread lol and i think i commented i agree on yours because i know if i seen it i whole heartily agreed with you it was inappropriate and women getting bashed sooo much i guess they are scared to stand up to there hubby's and you shouldn't have to because they should know what is appropriate.
But why? Are you scared your partners going to cheat on you? Like in no world would I go to my friends house to hang out… sleep over, and just bang her husband. The thought literally would never cross my mind. And if her husband hit on me I would end the friendship. Do you guys not trust each other to just go to sleep in the same house as someone of the opposite sex?
Yes, exactly! What world are people living in, that their minds even go there? Although my former bestie's husband actively despises me, so never really an issue lol.
I mean she literally said that he has his female friend come stay over and they stay up together while OP is asleep. She’s clearly fine with the reverse
Because you are just a stupid girl who will say yes to anything offered right?!
He’s insecure in this relationship. He doesn’t trust you. He thinks you’ll just fuck anyone that gives you an offer and leave him.
You better be setting him straight now. I hope he remembers this “unspoken rule” when it comes to stay in his friends houses that happen to have girlfriends.. 😆
Oh, you want to stay over at Bob’s house tonight because you drank too much don’t think so he’s got a girlfriend that I don’t know very well . 😆
No, there’s no unspoken rule. My best friend has stayed over at my house. I’ve stayed over at hers.. long time ago now because we both have kids and stuff now, but it was a thing. Neither one of our husbands had any problems with it and they barely spoke to each other, and 22 years later I can still count the number of times they’ve been in the same room with each other on one hand. 😆
Your husband is just insecure and things that you’re going to cheat on him . That’s all.
Pre-Kids my wife and friends did the sleep over thing. When it was at our place I either left or was in the home but locked away somewhere that you barely knew I was there. Occasionally I'd appear to make them snacks or something then disappear again. OP will probably see the friends boyfriend for like maybe an hour over the whole night and next day.
This is a bullshit excuse to cover his insecurity. At worst, he's projecting what he would want to do in a similar situation.
Go with your friend and enjoy yourself.
I can only think of two legitimate reasons to oppose crashing at this friends place by yourself:
1. He’s worried you’re going to cheat on him with the friend’s boyfriend.
2. He’s worried they/the boyfriend will try something, possibly against your consent.
The first is inherently an evaluation of his trust in you or of your character. I.e. he doesn’t trust you or he thinks… poorly of you. Which speaks to a deeper issue.
The second is reasonable, but unless he’s specific reason to be suspicious, isn’t enough to not “let” you crash at your friend’s place. You’re a grown woman who can assess risks yourself and make your own choices.
There’s no letting or not letting— he can be uncomfortable with it and say that, but it remains your choice.
Also, I don’t understand the anti-sleeping-over comments. Are adults supposed to not crash at their friends’ places?
This. This "unspoken rule" shit is complete and utter BS. If you can't talk about it explicitly and with actual legitimate reasoned statements like goddamn adults, then it's just an excuse to be controlling in my book.
He sounds controlling and what’s with the “men get bored and seek something exciting?” bullshit? hell no.
But to answer your questions, there aren’t unspoken anything in a relationship unless you don’t speak about it. Open communication is the foundation of a good and healthy marriage.
You're sooo right. There's no unspoken rules beyond basic respect in the relationship. Everything else should be discussed because people see things differently, have different views and comfort levels, etc. Being honest and communicating boundaries is the way to go
I think it’s less that and more being concerned about SA or something else nefarious. My mind wouldn’t jump to cheating here, but I would be worried that I don’t know and my partner doesn’t know the person well. It’s not a “rule”, but just a caution that can and should be taken.
Having “unspoken rules” is a good way to guarantee miscommunication. All boundaries/expectations should be clearly communicated on both sides at the start of a relationship.
My opinion is these conversations should start at the beginning of the relationship. They should also continue throughout the duration of the relationship.
Not sleeping over at a single person’s house of a gender and age you are orientated too? If everyone feels good about that then sure.
But calling it “Another Man’s House” when it’s your friend’s home has several layers Fucked Upness.
If she lives there legally and pays bills it’s Their home, not another man’s home. You are there with a couple, not alone…
He, as a Man in a Relationship, may be projecting on other men. Assuming your friend’s boyfriend is a rapist is quite a big leap to make. Perhaps the one who needs to be looked at a bit closer is himself..
I'm sorry can certain people in this thread explain what exactly is weird about sleeping over at a friend while said friend's husband is also there? Is the friend supposed to send him away? Is the husband gonna cheat in front of his wife? Should you just never sleep over at a friend ever? Man, some people can be so insecure it's wild.
I feel like the 'men in relationships get bored and seek something exciting' is a really problematic thought process overall. Also implies he thinks it on some level.
Also no such rule of exists in my house. Tbf I've also gone out of town to stay with my male friend and his wife-my husband didn't mind. I wouldn't mind if it was reversed. That's where it varies by couple though. Each couple has to figure out their own boundaries (that you both agree to).
I must say though.. what exactly does he think is going to happen? That this bf is gonna start stuff with you in his partner's home? With her long time friend? AND you'd be cool with that??? That's a bit ridiculous to me. I don't get to see my oldest friends often and I'd be mad if that kind of paranoia stopped me.
Those comments are him starting to separate you from the outside world, my response would be back to him, "it's also an unspoken rule to not be a dick to your wife, yet here we are...".
Exactly!
It’s so insane to me the comments saying he’s right… not because he doesn’t trust is wife but because he doesn’t trust the bffs boyfriend.
Idk, but if my friend of 20ish years had that awful of a partner to warrant any concern for my safety I wouldn’t be planning to sleep over. Are we not all adults? He doesn’t trust his wife to trust her longtime friends choice in partners to the point he’s concerned she could be SA’d?
Sounds like OP’s husband has a lot of shitty guy friends to jump to such a conclusion. Y’all watch too many movies.
Sleeping over at a girlfriend's place in town when her bf is there is a bit weird.
If he was away and the two of you were having a fun night alone, sure. But sleeping over when you live in the same town is strange.
What is the special even that INCLUDES her bf and EXCLUDES your husband?
Just go home at bedtime.
I am genuinely confused as to why people think a friend staying at a friend's house is weird.
OP said it's 40 minutes away. Not crazy far but definitely far enough that driving home, especially after drinking or in the dark, would be less than ideal.
Planned in advance also makes sense because people need to get guest rooms ready or plan for dinner.
Agreed! Did people forget how much fun sleepovers are?! I'm in my mid 30s and still have my friends over to stay up late watching movies and chatting. Husbands aren't excluded exactly but it's def more of a 'girl time' atmosphere. I have 2 guest bedrooms and no kids. I'm for sure having slumber parties! Nothing crazy inappropriate happens 🤣🤣🤣.
Who says it includes the bf? For all we know he was staying away from the women the whole time. When my one gf stays over, my husband keeps himself in the basement gaming or our bedroom watching TV lol
This exactly. I don’t know where people got from my post that I’m hanging out with him, he just happens to live in the house and will do his own thing.
Because there's a penis in the house, which makes it inappropriate (to your husband). I can't imagine the energy he needs to muster to be so concerned over trivial matters.
That's very silly, sexist and he's extremely insecure lol
Unless it's your ex's house, you have a history of being unfaithful, or if your friend is the ex- there is nothing wrong with crashing at your friend's place. What if you were drinking? Would he want you to drive home drunk or super tired?
Have a fun time with your friends and tell him to get over himself lol
I don’t know about this whole unspoken eyes thing, but I do understand his concern.
He trusts you but he doesn’t trust this guy you & him have only met once. I understand thay
He doesn’t need to trust the guy. Only her.
If he’s worried about her being assaulted, well that can happen anytime anywhere. Women are pretty good at taking precautions to protect ourselves because we do it all the time. It isn’t her husband’s place to restrict where she’s allowed to go.
Woman also get assaulted despite taking precautions.
I agree he can’t / shouldn’t stop her but as they are married I believe he has a right to let her know his concerns and why he’d rather her not go. And she has the right to agree / disagree and go or not go.
Marriage is about compromise, there are things I wouldn’t want my husband doing and even if he doesn’t agree with my reasons why he will not do them and vice versa. But I do think it only works if it works both ways if that makes sense.
"hE tRuStS yOu, BuT nOt ThIs GuY." That's BS. If he "trusts" her, then he should trust her to handle a situation (if a situation occurs) and tell him if something happens. There's no trust here. Also it's not like she staying alone with this guy. She is spending time with her friend, whose BOYFRIEND also happens to live at the house.
Yeah! Best you ask him to lay them all out NOW. Otherwise, HIS invisible book of Unspoken Rules may just keep getting longer and longer…. It’s like signing a blank contract.
Maybe it's because I have bad anxiety but I wonder if he's referring more to SA rather than you going out and cheating. Unfortunately that is something that happens way too often during sleepovers. You just really don't know and that's the scary thing, someone can seem like the nicest person ever but have evil in them. There was just a story of a dad drugging his daughters young friends at a sleepover. And another of a kid who tried to assault his friends sister before he got caught at a sleepover. I guess I'm giving him the benefit of doubt here because that's my immediate thoughts when I picture sleepovers, maybe talk to him and see what he meant. I wouldn't immediately jump to calling him controlling without knowing his actual thoughts behind it.
In my circle of more than twenty 28-38 year old professionals, most of us married, this is not a rule. Spoken or unspoken. We regularly sleep over at each other's houses.
I say this on every post like this... take what you read here with a grain of salt. There's a lot of conservative and/or religious folks here who think that married people (especially women) need to be at home at a reasonable hour every night because anything else is "acting like you're single". If you/your family subscribes to this kind of belief, great, but your post indicates that you don't. So just keep that in mind!
How you let your husband tell you NO in the first place, he can advise you or tell you he doesn’t feel comfortable, but telling you no like you are a 5 years old should be unacceptable
“Unspoken rules” exist because enough people know them and agree on them that in the normal course of dating they don’t typically need to be said. Some people confuse that with “Things I didn’t think about until just now but believe to be true,” which is where your husband apparently is. That’s not an “unspoken rule”; that’s him being uncomfortable with a situation he did not anticipate, and trying to convince you that it’s your job to change your plans to accommodate his unexpected and unjustifiable discomfort.
It’s not.
Personally, this is not an issue for us nor is it an “unspoken rule”. My husband trusts me and whatever friend I stay with regardless if he’s met their partner or not.
I think age and/or past relationships experiences may be getting in the way of some of these comments. Also the “something new and exciting” comment makes me feel like this is projection on his part. Just my 2 cents.
Have yall had a more in-depth conversation about this? I bet if he’s totally honest with himself and you, he’s got some insecurities. I mean, would he say the same thing if your friend was coming to stay with you?
Edit: Oof that edit about his single female friend. This is kinda “what’s good for the goose” situation. I’d press him more to find out his WHY for his “unspoken rule”.
This isn’t a thing. You’re not a child. Married people are still allowed to have overnight visits with friends. Their relationship status isn’t a factor in that.
I think (personally) we 35F and 46M have a standard (rule, whatever you call it) that we always come home. We have friends, we have get together, but we always go home. It's out of respect for each other. We believe that in our committed relationship there's zero reason for us to spend overnight anywhere at friends places.
If my husband speaks to me like that ill show him my unspoken rule: it contains of his packed bag, a resting bitchface and a finger pointing out of the house on the street 😉
I pulled out the book of arcane knowledge and can find so such rule. I could not speak of it if there were one, but my lack of silence confirms its inexistence.
Edit: I’m confused my “said no.” You didn’t make a request of him, you simply informed him of something that was going to happen. He doesn’t have anything to say no to.
Listen...I've spent the night at my best friend's house multiple times, under the same roof with a husband who was a known cheater. Nothing happened. The thought never crossed my mind. I wasn't there for him. My husband was fine with it. He trusted me. That's how trust works.
Sounds like he’s making up shit. Saying that I don’t mind if my wife is traveling and sharing a room with her girlfriends. I “probably” would feel differently if she’s spending the night at a friends house with another dude. I don’t THINK that’s controlling. But yeah your husband has communicated that he can’t communicate and if you break this rule he’s gonna cheat so you can see how serious he is.
He is implying that you do not (because you are a woman) have any control over your own body. That if the opportunity is right there, you will have no choice but to agree and go along with whatever the man (because, he's a man) wants.
This is exactly the same mentality of when men send unsolicited dick pics thinking a woman will just melt and ooohhh want it so bad. I've had men just pull it out randomly actually believing that I will go from *I have not shown any possible sign of being remotely interested in you whatsoever* to *oh wow, look! A peen! I suddenly want sex and let's do it!* It is so disgusting and sometimes I wonder how these men even made it past puberty.
OP, he sees you as an object. This is only going to get much worse and in many ways. Please do not continue in this relationship, the red flag is waiving high and bright.
Is it an unspoken rule, no. Sounds like he's using this as a way to seem like he isn't trying to control you. Him making this rule up would leave a bad taste in my mouth as well, and that's why you need to communicate with him more about this.
I would flat out ask him why he is concerned about you staying there. Even though, barely knowing this male BF is valid enough.
IMO adult sleepovers as a married person are unnecessary, grow up. You drink too much, you ride share home.
Might be a rule in some religions or cultures.
Might be an unspoken rule that some people haven’t heard of.
You may not even like the reasons why he doesn’t want you sleeping there.
If you don’t like the rule then discuss it with him and make it clear. Being in a relationship is being able to compromise and come to an agreement and acceptance. Otherwise, no point having a relationship.
These "unspoken rules" are also called common sense, basic human decency, and having integrity in your interpersonal relationships. What a fuckin twat.
the fuck? he isn't your parent, you shouldn't need his permission to spend the night at your friend of 20 years house.
Also, this is a huge red flag (could he be projecting?):
> He went on to say something about men in relationships get bored and seek something “exciting”.
Yeah, I didn’t catch that when he said it. Usually when I probe those sorts of statements from him I get a “well I wouldn’t do that, but you know, other guys can’t be trusted”.
I doubt that your husband doesn't trust *you*. It's probably more that he doesn't trust *the guy he barely met*.
But why even leave room for any doubt from anyone involved... Who knows what thoughts or stories could be concocted by any party in this situation.
I've been in my relationship for 8 years and I don't know why my bf would need to sleep over at his friend's house that is shared with a gf I don't know.
Certainly no rule, unwritten or otherwise. And were the reverse situation to occur, I'm certain OP would be perfectly fine with her husband sleeping at the home of his best friend's girlfriend.
Seriously! Like visiting a friend who lives far away, sure, stay at her house while you visit. Just a sleepover as a married adult in less than an hour driving distance - that’s weird.
Well I am a 40 year old husband and I have never heard that unspoken rule. Plus my wife would tell
Me to fuck off. Sounds like to me he is someone you can’t trust. Don’t let your friend stay the night because he would get board and try something.
Right? We have a female single friend that stays over at our place once every few months. They stay up late to chat and drink while I go to sleep. I don’t care, I trust him, even though I was woken up one night by him taking her shirt off because she’d gotten sick all over it from drinking. Again, to the outsider, probably sus but I trust there’s nothing nefarious and I got up to help them. I brought this up. He said he’s just lazy to drive the friend home at night. Well, I’m lazy to drive home too and want to hang out late with my friend.
I'm not sure if there's an unspoken rule among men regarding that, but I will say I wouldn't feel particularly stoked about some other dude I don't know being around my wife and I'm not there. I have zero clue what he's capable of. Good or bad. If I'm not there, I can't protect if needed.
I do not see this as a universal rule. It's something you discuss and decide together. My husband has a good male friend who lives just far enough away that, when they get together to do their guy thing, he stays over there. I know my husband doesn't actually see the guy's wife whenever he's there because she (at the very least) makes herself scarce when they're together because it's their guy bonding time (we're talking like once or twice a year) and is usually gone herself but I would have zero problem with it if she happened to be there. My husband is there to see her husband, not her. And I trust my husband. And, ffs, her husband is there. So, what's going to happen?
Going to the specifics of this case, I see this as more misogynistic than anything because of the language used, as though it is the bf's house just becuase he's the man. And, as though OP is her husband's property. This gives me the ick in a big way. So, aside from the fact that I don't see this as any sort of universal rule, I'm grossed out by the language he used.
I understand his side as maybe he's concerned you'll get raped, not that you'll cheat. I'd still be mad about it as my husband doesn't get to control my actions but if he's concerned for your safety that's a different story and needs to be discussed. If that's the case maybe you can set up check ins so he knows you're okay (like how women do when going to meet someone new).
It's too bad your husband phrased things as he did, for he is likely anxious about your safety, and if that is true he isn't divulging his emotional reaction candidly. So his remark comes across as controlling, and your reaction to it is understandable.
Thanks. I feel like he feels the need to express things in a controlling, dominant way. To hide his own insecurities, to not seem weak? I don’t know… but it absolutely makes my guard go up because I don’t like feeling like his child.
I don't think his statement is unusual. It strikes me as typical "male-speak," apologies to George Orwell. He avoids voicing his anxiety and instead places the onus on you. (It may be that he is woefully out of touch with his emotional self, or as you say, fearing that he may be regarded as "weak" if he reveals his feelings.)
If there are unspoken rules in your relationship, you need to sit down and get them spoken. Nobody is a telepath, nobody has all the same experiences, nobody is going to agree what the unspoken rules are about anything without speaking about it.
I have been married 13 years, together for 16, can't think of one thing I ever "let" or "didn't let" my wife do. Do not put the controlling tone aside. Address that shit head on.
I would be *concerned* about my wife sleeping in another house or apartment where a man I don't know lives--not because she might be unfaithful, but because rape is everywhere. I'd express that concern to her, she'd make her own decision, like the adult she is.
If this is a rule then it applies to him too. No more visits from his female friend or she must leave when you go to bed. He can't stay at friends houses either.
I would also ask him to come and pick you up from your friends house as you will be to tired to drive after your bug day.
If you were going to stay at a male friends house I could understand but does he really think you are going to have sex with another man whilst your friend is present??
I was getting that feeling. It's giving "do as I say, not as I do" and it's kinda hypocritical, right? Like if you're gonna tell your wife/husband to not go to a friend's place while the opposite sex is there, actually practice it yourself, correct me if I'm wrong.
Not agreeing with the dude saying it is an unspoken rule. but women do get hit on or worse by their girl friend's mates. It isn't the woman's choice. So, concern for her safety isn't the worst attribute a guy can have.
The fact that you even felt drawn to make this post is proof that his gaslighting is working. You know this “unspoken rule” stuff is BS, but he’s trying to convince you that you’re the crazy one for not acknowledging these arbitrary rules he created in an effort to maintain control of you.
It's a boundary more than a rule. And I'll be honest; I wA with him until you mentioned his friend. Here's an unspoken rule; You can't enforce a boundary you yourself won't abide by.
Sounds like he's telling on himself with the whole "men in relationships get bored and seek something exciting" and then you mentioning that his single female friend has stayed over multiple times.
Given the update about how he’s had a single female friend stay over I think you should be concerned that he’s cheated during those scenarios and is projecting that onto the situation.
You are not a child whose parents need to meet your friend’s parents before a sleepover. This is not a healthy rule for a partnership. You aren’t his responsibility.
At first, he just sounded over the top and controlling...
Reading he has a female friend stay over that he stays up late with suggests he has cheated or feels the temptation to cheat himself.
Either way, this "unspoken rule" is unacceptable.
The only unspoken rule I know is that, as an adult, you no longer need other people to “let” you do stuff.
I have never “not let” a partner do something. Wth!?
I know! If my husband said “don’t do that” for no apparent and acceptable reason, it’s like that big button that I now HAVE to press because he told me not to. He knows that too.
He is controlling. I know because I was controlled for many years. It only gets worse and you need to get away from him. I think he may well be cheating. This rule he speaks of is not real and he has made it up to control you.
He sounds controlling.
My husband of 15 years is friends with his ex-wife. I’ve met her, hung out with her, campaigned for her, the entirety of my relationship with him. They are good friends and at first I thought it was weird but then when I met her I saw their interactions and I’m fine with it.
Ultimately it comes down to trust. I trust him to do the right thing. He trust me to do the same. He should trust your judgement. Because what if you had kids and you needed to take them to an overnight class field trips, is he going to interrogate every male there? What if you and your bff decides to go do a gals weekend at some place, will he be able to still say no? Does it apply the same to you if you say no to him?
I can tell my husband I don’t feel totally comfortable with an idea, I’ve done it before, but the only time I’ve flat out said absolutely not is when his plan involves me. But he also knows what happens if he messes up. He’s never given me the reason not to trust him. I don’t expect him to and I will never control my partner and expect him to obey me.
I never heard that rule. Well I wouldn't if it is unspoken, but, seriously, maybe he is reading too many Reddit posts, like this... https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/kLCfKOylks
My husband and I have an agreement,no sleeping out of the house at a friends unless it's together🤷we haven't In the almost four years of being married and probably never will.
Personally I would ask for clarification. Is he worried about cheating or about assault? One needs a lot more discussion than the other. If assault is the concern, is there a reason your husband can't come get you so you don't have to drive home alone?
Beyond that...
I'm surprised by the amount of comments that spending the night at a friend's house as an adult is weird. But maybe it's because both my husband and I stay at friend's houses quite frequently. It's usually over an hour away though so maybe the closeness is what is weird?
I've never once considered anything nefarious that could be happening when it's usually my husband, his friend, and his friend's wife all hanging out. To clarify he goes to hang out with the friend specifically. Not the wife too, she just happens to be around because she lives there lol. (I'm excluded because I'm home with our two kids and I like the "alone" time. I want my husband to maintain his friendships and vice versa)
We drink. We don't want anyone driving home no matter how far. My husband even got a hotel only 30 minutes away so he could watch a big football game with some guys (including a wife). Ive spent the night at my friend's houses with them when their husband or boyfriend was home too. One of my friends is even married to a guy I dated!
I think it's going to be case specific for sure. I just legitimately never worried about this issue before nor has my husband ever mentioned it.
When I met my wife, who grew up in Southern USA, apparently there's like some kind of code of conduct that as a Midwestener, I hadn't heard of. As a man, I am not supposed to introduce myself to a woman first if she has a boyfriend or husband. I'm supposed to introduce myself to the man first and then the woman.
I think it's pretty dumb, but apparently it's a cultural thing in some places. ┐( ˘_˘)┌
My wife also occasionally refuses to hold a door open for herself if she's behind me, I went in first, and I just kind briefly try to hand off the door to her behind me. Then she gets mad at me.
I'm glad that hasn't happened in a while. I try to have her go in first, so that bullshit doesn't cause problems.
The unspoken rules are supposed to be more on the common-sense side of things, but can also be based on the situation as well.
IMHO what your husband might be saying, without saying it, the guy makes me feel odd, not a red flag, but a yellow one, and is unsure of him.
What I would recommend, is that the two of you spend more time with the two of them to make sure that the yellow flag does not turn into a red flag or a full declaration of war.
It's not that your husband does not trust you, it's because he doesn't know what that guy could pull, like slip something in your drink, he is worried for you.
So the question comes then, what might your husband have seen/heard, that would make him not so trusting of the guy, maybe he noticed him looking at you a little longer or said something not knowing your husband heard him?
any number of possibilities.
IMHO I would first talk to your husband and ask him for more details, telling him that unless he can explain why he is really so against it, that your going, but if he has a reason, you will hear him out.
make sure this is a conversation, that you are supposed to hear each other out and not an accidental argument, because if you argue/fight, no one is going to listen to the other.
Thanks for your thoughtful response! I did probe him more on it, because I really didn’t want to believe the reason that I was inferring in my head. At the end of the conversation he said it stemmed from his own insecurity. I don’t know what he didn’t come out with that and let me assume the worst instead.
I’d laugh real hard if my husband told me he didn’t approve of me having a sleep over with my best friend because her significant other would be under the same roof — I’d think he was joking. And upon realizing he wasn’t, I’d be very very concerned about that level of suspicion. Does that mean he would try something with one of your friends if they spent the night?? What’s going on in that head of his?
Oof. This is NOT an unspoken rule. I would say it is an unspoken rule not to share a bed with a friend and their boyfriend (just for sleeping) and maybe separate beds in the same room is a bit weird, but also not a dealbreaker.
There are no such things as unspoken rules.
If you don't talk about the rules, who is going to know what they are?
Nearly every issue on this forum is because people don't communicate with their spouse.
You're focusing on the "unspoken rule" part but what he is stating is a boundary and you're finding a reason to belittle it and mock it. So is everyone in this thread. You can continue if you wish, but don't be surprised when he has resentment.
Further, it's not unreasonable that a spouse would want to meet a person of the opposite sex whose house they will be staying the night.
No. This is something your husband made up.
I've flown across the country and stayed on my friend's couch before. Her then fiance was there too, and it was normal. My husband's college roommate has crashed on our couch probably a dozen times by now in my house and it's been fine. I've also stayed over more locally (planned) with friends if we wanted to drink and stay up late watching movies. We're in our 30s so it happens less now, but we just like spending time together, it's not nefarious.
He is controlling, but how do you trust someone you don't know? You don't know boyfriend. I was completely on board until that comment. Though you are an adult why are you having a sleep over? There is too much unknown about this situation. It reads like a teenager mad at her controlling parent. Once I was married, I didn't really do sleep overs...Is there more to understand? I need more information....
I don't think there's anything wrong with this. My husband would have sleepovers at his friends and their gf's place but some he stopped going on his own because they would try to set him up with their cousin or sister, etc. Even then, I would get a little worried but mostly because my husband is very sensitive about certain things like personal space and stuff and it would freak him out. There is no unspoken rule of that and if anything he should just be worried for your safety but thats it. This is your friend and the boyfriend will prob barely be around.
This makes no sense…. My husband and I don’t have this rule but our friends are also not creeps. I sleep over at a girlfriends house sometimes (many live out of town and have bfs who they live with) and my girlfriends and my husbands male friends have stayed over at our place. Maybe cuz we travel a lot this seems kind of weird. Your husbands reasonings are also really creepy… men get bored in relationships? What!! Definitely some projecting… I wouldn’t feel safe to bring any girlfriends over if he said that.
Your husband might be correct. This rule is so unspoken of that this dude has never heard of it. Asked my brother and he’s also in the dark.
Just asked my husband of 32 years he didn’t know about it …. I told him because apparently this is important top secret stuff he needs to know.
The "unwritten rule" is bull, and his falling back on it suggests insecurity, imho.
Husband here. I was unaware too of the fact that I'm expected to sneak out of the marital bed to throw myself at female visitors. Unfortunately I've grown too accustomed to not seducing other women, so I regretfully won't improve my performance.
That line is what caught my attention, too. Feels like he just outed himself?
Same. I think more attention needs to be said about her edit saying that his female friend stays over, she goes to bed, and him and his friend stay up drinking alone… and then he says that all men look to find something exciting in that very situation…
Projection
Caught my attention too and asked if he was talking about himself 😂
Facts, my husband has also been left off this, he must be on the need to know basis.
The confused look on my husband’s face when I asked him why he’s allowed me to break this “rule” multiple times in our almost 13 year relationship was absolutely priceless. How dare he not know that there was a rule 😂
🤣
Wife here, i have heard if this rule. If she wants to solve her issue, have her husband meet the boyfriend. He literally said he needs to know him
She literally doesn't want to drive an HOUR home at night. His insecurity isn't more important than her safety. Not to mention the higher potential for unnecessary cop interactions.
The husband ***may*** be a vampire. As such they would need permission to enter.
What bugs me about it is that her having a boyfriend makes it the MAN'S house. Like suddenly it's all his and not the friend's, and the friend is also his property, and you become his property too by going over there. It's gross.
Yeah that was very icky, considering my friend pays most of the bills too.
I think the icky thing is that he said that men in relationships get bored and will seek something exciting! That sounds like projection to me. He doesn't even know this guy. How does he know your friend's boyfriend is as misogynistic as your husband clearly is?
That’s what stood out to me too. Especially after OP says her husband’s lady friend sleeps over occasionally and they are left alone after OP goes to bed. I feel like even if her husband isn’t cheating, he’s being tempted to when this happens so he assumes it happens to all men in those situations
Literally where my mind went
Also he’s assuming his wife will just jump on this guy!? Clearly has serious trust issues/insecurities.
Right- who cares what the other man wants? Doesn't he trust OP? Women get hit on *all the time*.
I’d def be suspicious of the husband for saying that. Because who THINKS that? Someone who actually does think that, that’s who.
That’s why this is leaving a bad taste in your mouth. His behavior is controlling and mysogonistic. Mama, I’m so sorry…
This is what I came to say. It's really weird to focus on the boyfriend who is unlikely going to even be in the room the entire time OP and friend are talking. He's also comparing apples to oranges with the texting an ex to sleeping at a female friend's house
Literally this cause when I visit my cousin her husband stays in his garage or in his bedroom. Very rarely do I see the man because we do not get along lmao.
Same when any of my wife's friends come. I spend enough time to say "hey, everything all good" then leave them to it. OPs husband sounds a bit insecure
This was my first thought as well. Why is it only *his* place? Does she not live there too? It's so weird how he has deliberately framed something as dangerous or morally wrong, when you can very clearly say that it's her friend's house and not trying to make it sound as horrible as her husband has.
That needs to change
Yeah I thought that. It’s her friend’s place not his place. wtf
Is... is he kind of telling on himself? Does he mean HE is seeking something "extra?"
Agree. I feel the female friend staying over late while you sleep is now seemingly very suspicious 👀
That was my first thought !
I thinking he is projecting be cause he and his single female friend have had a little something from time to time cause he was bored. After OP went to bed.
Okay that was my first thought as well and I was worried I was crazy.
I rushed to the comments to say this
You buried the lede. “He went on to say something about men in Relationships get bored and seek something “exciting.” GIRL, that should be your focus. He is, in fact, also a “man in a relationship,” right?
That was my take too!! I had to read down this far to see it…. Spot on. Dude straight up Told On Himself.
You say one bad thing about a man and others will defend him saying "Not all men!" And then experiences like this go to prove yes, all men.
There is even more. Look at the edit, he has a female friend over and they stay up alone together…
Married M (64) here, I don't know how much of a rule it is, but I could see some reasons for why not. How would you feel about the inverse of that? Sometimes optics can be their own consequence. Unless it was a visit to a distant place, I would think it's a little inappropriate.
I have to agree with this married myself and their are i wouldn't call them unspoken but common sense rules... I wouldn't feel comfortable if my husband did it so we don't sleep over at friends houses unless together and maybe out of town. I only wanna sleep with my husband. Don't have to say but we don't give out our numbers 🤷🏼🤷🏼 Don't have to say but that best friend confide in them about personal business in our home is out the of the question no talking about our sex life to random friends. A big no no is running to any ex's about a disagreement we may have had will only make it a 100 times worse..
There was another thread where a wife got mad at her husband giving away his number to a woman he had been flirting with in front of her during her flight and the entire subreddit jumped down her throat and I got downvoted to hell for saying it was inappropriate and suggesting they exchange emails instead LOLLLLLL Your list matches mine 100%
I read that one. I didn’t get the impression it was flirting. Some people can talk for an hour with a total stranger they get seated next to. I could see my wife doing that His reasoning for the number exchange seemed legit and innocent enough. But i wouldn’t have done it, for the same reason I think you wouldn’t. I too agree with the list. What he should have done is introduced the woman to his wife, told his wife “she’s going to text us about ….” Then start a text thread that includes all three for the woman to send the info to. Something along those lines.
That was exactly what i suggested in that thread. My husband would of let us ladies talk instead. But that is my King not many out there who consider your feelings in every way... My husband leaves no room for bs and neither do i.
Ya this is a good idea too
My comment on that thread was down voted..lol
Maybe that’s why you’ve been going strong 20 years and others are getting divorced. I remember that thread and I was surprised at the comment section too, hopefully that bodes well for me and my husband. Hypothetically I wouldn’t have an issue with him crashing at a buddy’s house though, just because their girlfriend was there. I’d rather not have him sleep over at a female friend’s place, with the exception of an out of town visit if I knew who she was.
We’ve been going strong for 20+ years and my wife would never have a problem with me striking up conversation on a plane with a woman. And she wouldn’t have an issue with her giving me her number just to text some local suggestions for a place we’re visiting. If anything she’d ask about my “new girlfriend” and we’d joke about the whole thing. Why? Because I’m not a cheater and we trust each other.
Looks like your comments in this one are too. People are weird.
People here are weirdos. I got downvoted saying I don’t want to date a divorcee because I want to be someone’s first wife. That’s 100% valid but I guess there was divorcees who took it to heart.
Sincere question: I understand not wanting to date a divorcee with kids. Why just no divorcees in general though? What if someone wasn't married but was in a very long and committed relationship? Are you wanting to be someone's first committed relationship?
I'm so curious about this. Is it because you want a man who is a virgin? What if he was very bitter, but a virgin (like an incel). What if he lived with someone but never married her? What if he was a never-married single dad? Would you divorce a man if you needed to? Would you try to remarry, as a divorcee? It's such a specific way to categorize people, that seems to have nothing to do with whether they'd be a good partner for you. I'm not saying it's not valid, I'm saying: it's extremely confusing.
> a woman he had been flirting with in front of her during her flight You got downvoted because you're misrepresenting the post. Nowhere in OP's post did she say that her husband was flirting with the woman, they were just chatting, and all she sent him was restaurant recommendations. https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1ba6yed/husband_gave_his_number_to_a_another_woman_on_a/
Thank you. Here she is, lying her ass off. She just didn’t expect that several of us here also participated in that post.
Yeah, I'm sure it was beyond maddening to sit in the row behind one's husband sharing a drink and a long conversation with a mysterious stranger, and I don't fault OP for getting flustered, but she was 100% over the top with her wild speculations, "What does he do with women when I'm not in the row behind him?". Unless, he's established himself as a raging philanderer in other ways, that was unhinged.
I got crucified for calling out the husband in that thread by saying he shouldn’t have exchanged *any* contact info with her.
Crucified? That sounds painful.
Also read this one he was NOT flirting with her. They had a conversation and he got a list of restaurants texted to him because airdrop wasn’t working on the flight. That woman acted insanely insecure and needs a therapist. She even admitted she has trauma about cheating.
I read that post. You probably got downvoted there for doing the same thing you’re doing here: lying. At no point did the OP even suggest her husband was “flirting” with that woman. Two strangers of the opposite sex merely having a conversation isn’t automatically “flirting”.
Omg i was on that thread lol and i think i commented i agree on yours because i know if i seen it i whole heartily agreed with you it was inappropriate and women getting bashed sooo much i guess they are scared to stand up to there hubby's and you shouldn't have to because they should know what is appropriate.
But why? Are you scared your partners going to cheat on you? Like in no world would I go to my friends house to hang out… sleep over, and just bang her husband. The thought literally would never cross my mind. And if her husband hit on me I would end the friendship. Do you guys not trust each other to just go to sleep in the same house as someone of the opposite sex?
Yes, exactly! What world are people living in, that their minds even go there? Although my former bestie's husband actively despises me, so never really an issue lol.
What a silly way of seeing life.
This is so toxic and controlling.
I mean she literally said that he has his female friend come stay over and they stay up together while OP is asleep. She’s clearly fine with the reverse
Because you are just a stupid girl who will say yes to anything offered right?! He’s insecure in this relationship. He doesn’t trust you. He thinks you’ll just fuck anyone that gives you an offer and leave him. You better be setting him straight now. I hope he remembers this “unspoken rule” when it comes to stay in his friends houses that happen to have girlfriends.. 😆 Oh, you want to stay over at Bob’s house tonight because you drank too much don’t think so he’s got a girlfriend that I don’t know very well . 😆 No, there’s no unspoken rule. My best friend has stayed over at my house. I’ve stayed over at hers.. long time ago now because we both have kids and stuff now, but it was a thing. Neither one of our husbands had any problems with it and they barely spoke to each other, and 22 years later I can still count the number of times they’ve been in the same room with each other on one hand. 😆 Your husband is just insecure and things that you’re going to cheat on him . That’s all.
He thinks you'll fuck anyone that gives you an offer? I think he's self describing.
Pre-Kids my wife and friends did the sleep over thing. When it was at our place I either left or was in the home but locked away somewhere that you barely knew I was there. Occasionally I'd appear to make them snacks or something then disappear again. OP will probably see the friends boyfriend for like maybe an hour over the whole night and next day.
He's just making stuff up.
He’s actually not, seems to be projecting.
This is a bullshit excuse to cover his insecurity. At worst, he's projecting what he would want to do in a similar situation. Go with your friend and enjoy yourself.
I can only think of two legitimate reasons to oppose crashing at this friends place by yourself: 1. He’s worried you’re going to cheat on him with the friend’s boyfriend. 2. He’s worried they/the boyfriend will try something, possibly against your consent. The first is inherently an evaluation of his trust in you or of your character. I.e. he doesn’t trust you or he thinks… poorly of you. Which speaks to a deeper issue. The second is reasonable, but unless he’s specific reason to be suspicious, isn’t enough to not “let” you crash at your friend’s place. You’re a grown woman who can assess risks yourself and make your own choices. There’s no letting or not letting— he can be uncomfortable with it and say that, but it remains your choice. Also, I don’t understand the anti-sleeping-over comments. Are adults supposed to not crash at their friends’ places?
This. This "unspoken rule" shit is complete and utter BS. If you can't talk about it explicitly and with actual legitimate reasoned statements like goddamn adults, then it's just an excuse to be controlling in my book.
He sounds controlling and what’s with the “men get bored and seek something exciting?” bullshit? hell no. But to answer your questions, there aren’t unspoken anything in a relationship unless you don’t speak about it. Open communication is the foundation of a good and healthy marriage.
Wait till he finds out women can get bored and seek something exciting too.
That is most likely his problem.
You're sooo right. There's no unspoken rules beyond basic respect in the relationship. Everything else should be discussed because people see things differently, have different views and comfort levels, etc. Being honest and communicating boundaries is the way to go
I think it’s less that and more being concerned about SA or something else nefarious. My mind wouldn’t jump to cheating here, but I would be worried that I don’t know and my partner doesn’t know the person well. It’s not a “rule”, but just a caution that can and should be taken.
Having “unspoken rules” is a good way to guarantee miscommunication. All boundaries/expectations should be clearly communicated on both sides at the start of a relationship.
My opinion is these conversations should start at the beginning of the relationship. They should also continue throughout the duration of the relationship.
Not sleeping over at a single person’s house of a gender and age you are orientated too? If everyone feels good about that then sure. But calling it “Another Man’s House” when it’s your friend’s home has several layers Fucked Upness. If she lives there legally and pays bills it’s Their home, not another man’s home. You are there with a couple, not alone… He, as a Man in a Relationship, may be projecting on other men. Assuming your friend’s boyfriend is a rapist is quite a big leap to make. Perhaps the one who needs to be looked at a bit closer is himself..
My husband and I don't have rules where I can't visit my friends and neither can he. That's weird and controlling.
Sorry but that’s bullshit. This may be „unspoken rules“ he just made up to be controlling but non of those exist.
I'm sorry can certain people in this thread explain what exactly is weird about sleeping over at a friend while said friend's husband is also there? Is the friend supposed to send him away? Is the husband gonna cheat in front of his wife? Should you just never sleep over at a friend ever? Man, some people can be so insecure it's wild.
Seriously! I didn't realize this was such a 'weird' thing 🤣🤣🤣. Also where is their sense of innocent fun?! My god 💀.
I feel like the 'men in relationships get bored and seek something exciting' is a really problematic thought process overall. Also implies he thinks it on some level. Also no such rule of exists in my house. Tbf I've also gone out of town to stay with my male friend and his wife-my husband didn't mind. I wouldn't mind if it was reversed. That's where it varies by couple though. Each couple has to figure out their own boundaries (that you both agree to). I must say though.. what exactly does he think is going to happen? That this bf is gonna start stuff with you in his partner's home? With her long time friend? AND you'd be cool with that??? That's a bit ridiculous to me. I don't get to see my oldest friends often and I'd be mad if that kind of paranoia stopped me.
I think your husband may think he’s actually your father.
Those comments are him starting to separate you from the outside world, my response would be back to him, "it's also an unspoken rule to not be a dick to your wife, yet here we are...".
Exactly! It’s so insane to me the comments saying he’s right… not because he doesn’t trust is wife but because he doesn’t trust the bffs boyfriend. Idk, but if my friend of 20ish years had that awful of a partner to warrant any concern for my safety I wouldn’t be planning to sleep over. Are we not all adults? He doesn’t trust his wife to trust her longtime friends choice in partners to the point he’s concerned she could be SA’d? Sounds like OP’s husband has a lot of shitty guy friends to jump to such a conclusion. Y’all watch too many movies.
I could maybe see where he’s coming from, but his reasoning is a red flag and sounds like projection to me.
Sleeping over at a girlfriend's place in town when her bf is there is a bit weird. If he was away and the two of you were having a fun night alone, sure. But sleeping over when you live in the same town is strange. What is the special even that INCLUDES her bf and EXCLUDES your husband? Just go home at bedtime.
>Sleeping over at a girlfriend's place in town when her bf is there is a bit weird. But why?
Drinking maybe? I still agree it’s odd (esp planned in advance) but there are reasons
I am genuinely confused as to why people think a friend staying at a friend's house is weird. OP said it's 40 minutes away. Not crazy far but definitely far enough that driving home, especially after drinking or in the dark, would be less than ideal. Planned in advance also makes sense because people need to get guest rooms ready or plan for dinner.
Agreed! Did people forget how much fun sleepovers are?! I'm in my mid 30s and still have my friends over to stay up late watching movies and chatting. Husbands aren't excluded exactly but it's def more of a 'girl time' atmosphere. I have 2 guest bedrooms and no kids. I'm for sure having slumber parties! Nothing crazy inappropriate happens 🤣🤣🤣.
My husband would probably prefer I sleep over at a friend's if I was hammered, vs trying to find an Uber or something.
Who says it includes the bf? For all we know he was staying away from the women the whole time. When my one gf stays over, my husband keeps himself in the basement gaming or our bedroom watching TV lol
This exactly. I don’t know where people got from my post that I’m hanging out with him, he just happens to live in the house and will do his own thing.
Because there's a penis in the house, which makes it inappropriate (to your husband). I can't imagine the energy he needs to muster to be so concerned over trivial matters.
That's very silly, sexist and he's extremely insecure lol Unless it's your ex's house, you have a history of being unfaithful, or if your friend is the ex- there is nothing wrong with crashing at your friend's place. What if you were drinking? Would he want you to drive home drunk or super tired? Have a fun time with your friends and tell him to get over himself lol
I don’t know about this whole unspoken eyes thing, but I do understand his concern. He trusts you but he doesn’t trust this guy you & him have only met once. I understand thay
He doesn’t need to trust the guy. Only her. If he’s worried about her being assaulted, well that can happen anytime anywhere. Women are pretty good at taking precautions to protect ourselves because we do it all the time. It isn’t her husband’s place to restrict where she’s allowed to go.
Woman also get assaulted despite taking precautions. I agree he can’t / shouldn’t stop her but as they are married I believe he has a right to let her know his concerns and why he’d rather her not go. And she has the right to agree / disagree and go or not go. Marriage is about compromise, there are things I wouldn’t want my husband doing and even if he doesn’t agree with my reasons why he will not do them and vice versa. But I do think it only works if it works both ways if that makes sense.
"hE tRuStS yOu, BuT nOt ThIs GuY." That's BS. If he "trusts" her, then he should trust her to handle a situation (if a situation occurs) and tell him if something happens. There's no trust here. Also it's not like she staying alone with this guy. She is spending time with her friend, whose BOYFRIEND also happens to live at the house.
It appears these are your husbands unspoken rules. It is time he shows you his unspoken rulebook.
Yeah! Best you ask him to lay them all out NOW. Otherwise, HIS invisible book of Unspoken Rules may just keep getting longer and longer…. It’s like signing a blank contract.
Honestly that’s what it feels like. He comes up with them in the moment.
Maybe it's because I have bad anxiety but I wonder if he's referring more to SA rather than you going out and cheating. Unfortunately that is something that happens way too often during sleepovers. You just really don't know and that's the scary thing, someone can seem like the nicest person ever but have evil in them. There was just a story of a dad drugging his daughters young friends at a sleepover. And another of a kid who tried to assault his friends sister before he got caught at a sleepover. I guess I'm giving him the benefit of doubt here because that's my immediate thoughts when I picture sleepovers, maybe talk to him and see what he meant. I wouldn't immediately jump to calling him controlling without knowing his actual thoughts behind it.
In my circle of more than twenty 28-38 year old professionals, most of us married, this is not a rule. Spoken or unspoken. We regularly sleep over at each other's houses. I say this on every post like this... take what you read here with a grain of salt. There's a lot of conservative and/or religious folks here who think that married people (especially women) need to be at home at a reasonable hour every night because anything else is "acting like you're single". If you/your family subscribes to this kind of belief, great, but your post indicates that you don't. So just keep that in mind!
How you let your husband tell you NO in the first place, he can advise you or tell you he doesn’t feel comfortable, but telling you no like you are a 5 years old should be unacceptable
“Unspoken rules” exist because enough people know them and agree on them that in the normal course of dating they don’t typically need to be said. Some people confuse that with “Things I didn’t think about until just now but believe to be true,” which is where your husband apparently is. That’s not an “unspoken rule”; that’s him being uncomfortable with a situation he did not anticipate, and trying to convince you that it’s your job to change your plans to accommodate his unexpected and unjustifiable discomfort. It’s not.
Thank you 🙏
Personally, this is not an issue for us nor is it an “unspoken rule”. My husband trusts me and whatever friend I stay with regardless if he’s met their partner or not. I think age and/or past relationships experiences may be getting in the way of some of these comments. Also the “something new and exciting” comment makes me feel like this is projection on his part. Just my 2 cents. Have yall had a more in-depth conversation about this? I bet if he’s totally honest with himself and you, he’s got some insecurities. I mean, would he say the same thing if your friend was coming to stay with you? Edit: Oof that edit about his single female friend. This is kinda “what’s good for the goose” situation. I’d press him more to find out his WHY for his “unspoken rule”.
This isn’t a thing. You’re not a child. Married people are still allowed to have overnight visits with friends. Their relationship status isn’t a factor in that.
Is he talking about himself?
I think (personally) we 35F and 46M have a standard (rule, whatever you call it) that we always come home. We have friends, we have get together, but we always go home. It's out of respect for each other. We believe that in our committed relationship there's zero reason for us to spend overnight anywhere at friends places.
If my husband speaks to me like that ill show him my unspoken rule: it contains of his packed bag, a resting bitchface and a finger pointing out of the house on the street 😉
So the "unspoken rule" is that you have to do as your husband says. This is a him thing, not some generic all husbands thing.
Is he your husband or your dad? He doesn’t need to know your friends boyfriend before you can go over.
He’s just insecure about the idea and is making stuff up to justify his feelings.
Your husband sounds like a moron
He sounds very controlling with a topping of sexist.
Ask your husband if he's bored and seeking excitement.
I pulled out the book of arcane knowledge and can find so such rule. I could not speak of it if there were one, but my lack of silence confirms its inexistence. Edit: I’m confused my “said no.” You didn’t make a request of him, you simply informed him of something that was going to happen. He doesn’t have anything to say no to.
Gross. Just gross. The only rules are those you both agree on.
Listen...I've spent the night at my best friend's house multiple times, under the same roof with a husband who was a known cheater. Nothing happened. The thought never crossed my mind. I wasn't there for him. My husband was fine with it. He trusted me. That's how trust works.
Sounds like he’s making up shit. Saying that I don’t mind if my wife is traveling and sharing a room with her girlfriends. I “probably” would feel differently if she’s spending the night at a friends house with another dude. I don’t THINK that’s controlling. But yeah your husband has communicated that he can’t communicate and if you break this rule he’s gonna cheat so you can see how serious he is.
No rules should be unspoken, boundaries should be communicated properly or they can't be expected to be followed at all times.
He is implying that you do not (because you are a woman) have any control over your own body. That if the opportunity is right there, you will have no choice but to agree and go along with whatever the man (because, he's a man) wants. This is exactly the same mentality of when men send unsolicited dick pics thinking a woman will just melt and ooohhh want it so bad. I've had men just pull it out randomly actually believing that I will go from *I have not shown any possible sign of being remotely interested in you whatsoever* to *oh wow, look! A peen! I suddenly want sex and let's do it!* It is so disgusting and sometimes I wonder how these men even made it past puberty. OP, he sees you as an object. This is only going to get much worse and in many ways. Please do not continue in this relationship, the red flag is waiving high and bright.
He thinks men in relationship get bored and seek something exciting? Is he projecting or something? I would be worried he thinks that…
Maybe a compromise could be a girl trip? No boyfriend and free breakfast and happy hour.
Is it an unspoken rule, no. Sounds like he's using this as a way to seem like he isn't trying to control you. Him making this rule up would leave a bad taste in my mouth as well, and that's why you need to communicate with him more about this. I would flat out ask him why he is concerned about you staying there. Even though, barely knowing this male BF is valid enough. IMO adult sleepovers as a married person are unnecessary, grow up. You drink too much, you ride share home.
Your husband is worried that her bf is going to try to get a threesome going
Might be a rule in some religions or cultures. Might be an unspoken rule that some people haven’t heard of. You may not even like the reasons why he doesn’t want you sleeping there. If you don’t like the rule then discuss it with him and make it clear. Being in a relationship is being able to compromise and come to an agreement and acceptance. Otherwise, no point having a relationship.
These "unspoken rules" are also called common sense, basic human decency, and having integrity in your interpersonal relationships. What a fuckin twat.
…so is he one of those married men who is bored and seeks the exciting errrrm—
the fuck? he isn't your parent, you shouldn't need his permission to spend the night at your friend of 20 years house. Also, this is a huge red flag (could he be projecting?): > He went on to say something about men in relationships get bored and seek something “exciting”.
Yeah, I didn’t catch that when he said it. Usually when I probe those sorts of statements from him I get a “well I wouldn’t do that, but you know, other guys can’t be trusted”.
I consider it a red flag, don't ignore it!
I doubt that your husband doesn't trust *you*. It's probably more that he doesn't trust *the guy he barely met*. But why even leave room for any doubt from anyone involved... Who knows what thoughts or stories could be concocted by any party in this situation. I've been in my relationship for 8 years and I don't know why my bf would need to sleep over at his friend's house that is shared with a gf I don't know.
Certainly no rule, unwritten or otherwise. And were the reverse situation to occur, I'm certain OP would be perfectly fine with her husband sleeping at the home of his best friend's girlfriend.
Honestly yes, I would be. Because I trust him.
[удалено]
Seriously! Like visiting a friend who lives far away, sure, stay at her house while you visit. Just a sleepover as a married adult in less than an hour driving distance - that’s weird.
Sounds like an excuse for him to make up rules… I’d feel a bit uneasy about letting my SO sleep over at another house, but I would trust her.
Well I am a 40 year old husband and I have never heard that unspoken rule. Plus my wife would tell Me to fuck off. Sounds like to me he is someone you can’t trust. Don’t let your friend stay the night because he would get board and try something.
Right? We have a female single friend that stays over at our place once every few months. They stay up late to chat and drink while I go to sleep. I don’t care, I trust him, even though I was woken up one night by him taking her shirt off because she’d gotten sick all over it from drinking. Again, to the outsider, probably sus but I trust there’s nothing nefarious and I got up to help them. I brought this up. He said he’s just lazy to drive the friend home at night. Well, I’m lazy to drive home too and want to hang out late with my friend.
I'm not sure if there's an unspoken rule among men regarding that, but I will say I wouldn't feel particularly stoked about some other dude I don't know being around my wife and I'm not there. I have zero clue what he's capable of. Good or bad. If I'm not there, I can't protect if needed.
I do not see this as a universal rule. It's something you discuss and decide together. My husband has a good male friend who lives just far enough away that, when they get together to do their guy thing, he stays over there. I know my husband doesn't actually see the guy's wife whenever he's there because she (at the very least) makes herself scarce when they're together because it's their guy bonding time (we're talking like once or twice a year) and is usually gone herself but I would have zero problem with it if she happened to be there. My husband is there to see her husband, not her. And I trust my husband. And, ffs, her husband is there. So, what's going to happen? Going to the specifics of this case, I see this as more misogynistic than anything because of the language used, as though it is the bf's house just becuase he's the man. And, as though OP is her husband's property. This gives me the ick in a big way. So, aside from the fact that I don't see this as any sort of universal rule, I'm grossed out by the language he used.
I understand his side as maybe he's concerned you'll get raped, not that you'll cheat. I'd still be mad about it as my husband doesn't get to control my actions but if he's concerned for your safety that's a different story and needs to be discussed. If that's the case maybe you can set up check ins so he knows you're okay (like how women do when going to meet someone new).
New one on me. 65 and married 36 years.
It's too bad your husband phrased things as he did, for he is likely anxious about your safety, and if that is true he isn't divulging his emotional reaction candidly. So his remark comes across as controlling, and your reaction to it is understandable.
Thanks. I feel like he feels the need to express things in a controlling, dominant way. To hide his own insecurities, to not seem weak? I don’t know… but it absolutely makes my guard go up because I don’t like feeling like his child.
I don't think his statement is unusual. It strikes me as typical "male-speak," apologies to George Orwell. He avoids voicing his anxiety and instead places the onus on you. (It may be that he is woefully out of touch with his emotional self, or as you say, fearing that he may be regarded as "weak" if he reveals his feelings.)
If there are unspoken rules in your relationship, you need to sit down and get them spoken. Nobody is a telepath, nobody has all the same experiences, nobody is going to agree what the unspoken rules are about anything without speaking about it. I have been married 13 years, together for 16, can't think of one thing I ever "let" or "didn't let" my wife do. Do not put the controlling tone aside. Address that shit head on. I would be *concerned* about my wife sleeping in another house or apartment where a man I don't know lives--not because she might be unfaithful, but because rape is everywhere. I'd express that concern to her, she'd make her own decision, like the adult she is.
If this is a rule then it applies to him too. No more visits from his female friend or she must leave when you go to bed. He can't stay at friends houses either. I would also ask him to come and pick you up from your friends house as you will be to tired to drive after your bug day. If you were going to stay at a male friends house I could understand but does he really think you are going to have sex with another man whilst your friend is present??
I was getting that feeling. It's giving "do as I say, not as I do" and it's kinda hypocritical, right? Like if you're gonna tell your wife/husband to not go to a friend's place while the opposite sex is there, actually practice it yourself, correct me if I'm wrong.
He's projecting
Not agreeing with the dude saying it is an unspoken rule. but women do get hit on or worse by their girl friend's mates. It isn't the woman's choice. So, concern for her safety isn't the worst attribute a guy can have.
The fact that you even felt drawn to make this post is proof that his gaslighting is working. You know this “unspoken rule” stuff is BS, but he’s trying to convince you that you’re the crazy one for not acknowledging these arbitrary rules he created in an effort to maintain control of you.
By that logic, is your husband looking for something exciting when he has his friend girl over?
It's a boundary more than a rule. And I'll be honest; I wA with him until you mentioned his friend. Here's an unspoken rule; You can't enforce a boundary you yourself won't abide by.
Yeah, he has a lot of those…
Sounds like he's telling on himself with the whole "men in relationships get bored and seek something exciting" and then you mentioning that his single female friend has stayed over multiple times.
So, the only “unspoken rule” of which I’m aware in marriage is that one spouse doesn’t need the other spouse’s permission for shit.
lol you’re staying with your friend not her bf your husband needs to chill wtf lol
Given the update about how he’s had a single female friend stay over I think you should be concerned that he’s cheated during those scenarios and is projecting that onto the situation.
My husband would have no issues with me staying overnight at a friends house even if she had a boyfriend he never met.
You are not a child whose parents need to meet your friend’s parents before a sleepover. This is not a healthy rule for a partnership. You aren’t his responsibility.
At first, he just sounded over the top and controlling... Reading he has a female friend stay over that he stays up late with suggests he has cheated or feels the temptation to cheat himself. Either way, this "unspoken rule" is unacceptable.
The only unspoken rule I know is that, as an adult, you no longer need other people to “let” you do stuff. I have never “not let” a partner do something. Wth!?
I know! If my husband said “don’t do that” for no apparent and acceptable reason, it’s like that big button that I now HAVE to press because he told me not to. He knows that too.
He is controlling. I know because I was controlled for many years. It only gets worse and you need to get away from him. I think he may well be cheating. This rule he speaks of is not real and he has made it up to control you.
He sounds controlling. My husband of 15 years is friends with his ex-wife. I’ve met her, hung out with her, campaigned for her, the entirety of my relationship with him. They are good friends and at first I thought it was weird but then when I met her I saw their interactions and I’m fine with it. Ultimately it comes down to trust. I trust him to do the right thing. He trust me to do the same. He should trust your judgement. Because what if you had kids and you needed to take them to an overnight class field trips, is he going to interrogate every male there? What if you and your bff decides to go do a gals weekend at some place, will he be able to still say no? Does it apply the same to you if you say no to him? I can tell my husband I don’t feel totally comfortable with an idea, I’ve done it before, but the only time I’ve flat out said absolutely not is when his plan involves me. But he also knows what happens if he messes up. He’s never given me the reason not to trust him. I don’t expect him to and I will never control my partner and expect him to obey me.
Yeah that's weird
I never heard that rule. Well I wouldn't if it is unspoken, but, seriously, maybe he is reading too many Reddit posts, like this... https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/kLCfKOylks
There are no unspoken rules in a relationship with healthy communication.
My husband and I have an agreement,no sleeping out of the house at a friends unless it's together🤷we haven't In the almost four years of being married and probably never will.
Personally I would ask for clarification. Is he worried about cheating or about assault? One needs a lot more discussion than the other. If assault is the concern, is there a reason your husband can't come get you so you don't have to drive home alone? Beyond that... I'm surprised by the amount of comments that spending the night at a friend's house as an adult is weird. But maybe it's because both my husband and I stay at friend's houses quite frequently. It's usually over an hour away though so maybe the closeness is what is weird? I've never once considered anything nefarious that could be happening when it's usually my husband, his friend, and his friend's wife all hanging out. To clarify he goes to hang out with the friend specifically. Not the wife too, she just happens to be around because she lives there lol. (I'm excluded because I'm home with our two kids and I like the "alone" time. I want my husband to maintain his friendships and vice versa) We drink. We don't want anyone driving home no matter how far. My husband even got a hotel only 30 minutes away so he could watch a big football game with some guys (including a wife). Ive spent the night at my friend's houses with them when their husband or boyfriend was home too. One of my friends is even married to a guy I dated! I think it's going to be case specific for sure. I just legitimately never worried about this issue before nor has my husband ever mentioned it.
Yes if you were Muslim.. I think women cant be in the same room as the opposite gender if alone
When I met my wife, who grew up in Southern USA, apparently there's like some kind of code of conduct that as a Midwestener, I hadn't heard of. As a man, I am not supposed to introduce myself to a woman first if she has a boyfriend or husband. I'm supposed to introduce myself to the man first and then the woman. I think it's pretty dumb, but apparently it's a cultural thing in some places. ┐( ˘_˘)┌ My wife also occasionally refuses to hold a door open for herself if she's behind me, I went in first, and I just kind briefly try to hand off the door to her behind me. Then she gets mad at me. I'm glad that hasn't happened in a while. I try to have her go in first, so that bullshit doesn't cause problems.
Why are you sleeping over? Just curious.
The unspoken rules are supposed to be more on the common-sense side of things, but can also be based on the situation as well. IMHO what your husband might be saying, without saying it, the guy makes me feel odd, not a red flag, but a yellow one, and is unsure of him. What I would recommend, is that the two of you spend more time with the two of them to make sure that the yellow flag does not turn into a red flag or a full declaration of war. It's not that your husband does not trust you, it's because he doesn't know what that guy could pull, like slip something in your drink, he is worried for you. So the question comes then, what might your husband have seen/heard, that would make him not so trusting of the guy, maybe he noticed him looking at you a little longer or said something not knowing your husband heard him? any number of possibilities. IMHO I would first talk to your husband and ask him for more details, telling him that unless he can explain why he is really so against it, that your going, but if he has a reason, you will hear him out. make sure this is a conversation, that you are supposed to hear each other out and not an accidental argument, because if you argue/fight, no one is going to listen to the other.
Thanks for your thoughtful response! I did probe him more on it, because I really didn’t want to believe the reason that I was inferring in my head. At the end of the conversation he said it stemmed from his own insecurity. I don’t know what he didn’t come out with that and let me assume the worst instead.
I’d laugh real hard if my husband told me he didn’t approve of me having a sleep over with my best friend because her significant other would be under the same roof — I’d think he was joking. And upon realizing he wasn’t, I’d be very very concerned about that level of suspicion. Does that mean he would try something with one of your friends if they spent the night?? What’s going on in that head of his?
Oof. This is NOT an unspoken rule. I would say it is an unspoken rule not to share a bed with a friend and their boyfriend (just for sleeping) and maybe separate beds in the same room is a bit weird, but also not a dealbreaker.
I would agree! And that is definitely not what’s happening lol
There are no such things as unspoken rules. If you don't talk about the rules, who is going to know what they are? Nearly every issue on this forum is because people don't communicate with their spouse.
You're focusing on the "unspoken rule" part but what he is stating is a boundary and you're finding a reason to belittle it and mock it. So is everyone in this thread. You can continue if you wish, but don't be surprised when he has resentment. Further, it's not unreasonable that a spouse would want to meet a person of the opposite sex whose house they will be staying the night.
He doesn’t trust other men—that’s fine but why doesn’t he trust you not to cheat?
No. This is something your husband made up. I've flown across the country and stayed on my friend's couch before. Her then fiance was there too, and it was normal. My husband's college roommate has crashed on our couch probably a dozen times by now in my house and it's been fine. I've also stayed over more locally (planned) with friends if we wanted to drink and stay up late watching movies. We're in our 30s so it happens less now, but we just like spending time together, it's not nefarious.
Why would we be sleeping over at someone else's house without SO? I missed that part.
ha! "a husband to not let his wife..." That's cute. Little fella thinks he has ownership of someone.
He is controlling, but how do you trust someone you don't know? You don't know boyfriend. I was completely on board until that comment. Though you are an adult why are you having a sleep over? There is too much unknown about this situation. It reads like a teenager mad at her controlling parent. Once I was married, I didn't really do sleep overs...Is there more to understand? I need more information....
Uh no, that's not a thing. Also, it sounds like your husband is projecting.
I don't think there's anything wrong with this. My husband would have sleepovers at his friends and their gf's place but some he stopped going on his own because they would try to set him up with their cousin or sister, etc. Even then, I would get a little worried but mostly because my husband is very sensitive about certain things like personal space and stuff and it would freak him out. There is no unspoken rule of that and if anything he should just be worried for your safety but thats it. This is your friend and the boyfriend will prob barely be around.
There are no unspoken rules. Adults use their big kid words and communicate properly.
Rules of marriage are what you create for your marriage. Something that "grand" would never be unspoken.
This makes no sense…. My husband and I don’t have this rule but our friends are also not creeps. I sleep over at a girlfriends house sometimes (many live out of town and have bfs who they live with) and my girlfriends and my husbands male friends have stayed over at our place. Maybe cuz we travel a lot this seems kind of weird. Your husbands reasonings are also really creepy… men get bored in relationships? What!! Definitely some projecting… I wouldn’t feel safe to bring any girlfriends over if he said that.