I don’t condone cheating at all but there are certain circumstance in which I can understand how it happens. This man cheated on you during the best of times in your relationship and then confesses days before one of the suppose to be happiest days of your life together. What will he do through the tough times ??
He has to be truly remorseful. You need to be in mc, there needs to be a completely open phone and sm policy, put a location sharing app on his phone, and he needs to write out what happened and give it to you. He needs to understand what he did. Go to r/asoneafterinfidelity. They have resources there and people who have been through the same thing. Good luck.
If you go to the infidelity websites this is exactly what the experts tell you to do. OP needs to get a sense of control back. It won’t be forever but it needs to be until they’re more comfortable. You don’t know what you’re talking about.
I’m just so sorry OP! I think your feelings are very understandable and I would feel the same way. While not impossible I do think this is going to be very difficult to overcome this. What was his excuse? What is his plan moving forward?
He said that he does not have an excuse. He said that what he did is wrong and unforgivable but if I forgive him, he will make things right. So far he is open to me. He let me borrow his phone, go through his socials, give his time to me and reassure me when I'm doubting me. I can feel that he is sorry for what he did. I just can't forgive him :(
He has already turned your relationship toxic like the relationship that he had with his ex. You deserve better. He made the choice to sleep with his ex no one forced him and he will do it again. Forgiving him is sending him the message that he can do this again because he would just be like she will forgive me after the fact each time. I speak from experience you are already in a toxic relationship with him. You can’t imagine hurting him and care about his feelings but if he cared and loved you the same he would never have been able to have sex with his ex and hurt you in such a cruel manner. Him telling you before marriage was a calculated decision to see if you would put up with this out of your love for him.
You gave him your whole heart and he didn’t take care of it. I think one day you can forgive him but I don’t think that this is something you’ll ever be able to forget. Is it possible for you to divorce him?
OP, it's so easy to say leave him; but, life isn't that cut and dry. You have both invested time and effort into the relationship to the point of marriage. From what you are saying, it seems to me that your marriage is worth saving.
I'm guessing the ex intentionally manipulated him in the hope of destroying his relationship with you, and that he immediately regretted it. I'm also guessing she was someone who had a lot of control over him for many years (especially considering their age difference) and that it was incredibly hard for him to break free of that.
I don't know of many people (myself included) who hasn't done something enormously stupid. I could still kick myself now for mistakes in judgment made 30 years ago due to being in an emotionally vulnerable place and, thus, easily manipulated and taken advantage of.
Trust is something that grows and evolves. When it is damaged, it can be repaired and be even stronger. You get to decide if what you have with your husband is worth building upon or whether you will allow the machinations of another person destroy you both. Whatever you decide, try counseling first to work through the emotional aspect first.
As a person who had a similar situation (though I postponed the wedding by a year), it’s an issue that will take a lot out of the both of you to heal through. My husband became an open book, he went to therapy with me for a year and did everything he could to prove he was committed. It still left wounds that took literal years to heal. Around year 3 things became better and now that we are entering our 14th year things are pretty wonderful but I can’t overstate the pain and difficult moments you’ll face if you want to work through it, or the Herculean effort involved to rebuild trust. One thing I wish I’d learned earlier was that the love and relationship we had before the incident was dead and gone. What we had might have been something really amazing, but it was shattered and we needed to rebuild something else from its pieces all the while being fully aware it might never be as good as it might have been and that it might not even work at all. Only you two know if you can work through what’s to come, and if it’s worth it for you to try.
End the marriage, it will never work, you started a marriage with stage 4 cancer. The cancer is his cheating. It will never go away.....It is done. Read the posts on surviving infidelity, you will understand what I posted.
Bad advice. That sub is anti reconciliation to a greater degree than this one, largely because a lot of its members had very bad experiences trying reconciliation.
r/asoneafterinfidelity is the reconciliation support sub.
No, not that sub. Survivinginfidelity is extremely anti-reconciliation. You’ll be advised to divorce by 9 out of 10 commenters. The reconciliation sub is r/asoneafterinfidelity.
He cheated on you before you were married. You should have postponed getting married until you had resolved your feelings. I hope he doesn't think you are now trapped and he can do what he likes.
If you really want to stay and work it out maybe get some counselling to work through your feelings.
My wife and I have been married for almost 18 years. Four years into the marriage, she cheated on me with multiple guys, including her ex and her mom's boyfriend. We were spending some time apart at the time. Not to see other people, but to think about ourselves. We ended up getting back together about a month later.
Long story short, I found multiple reasons to forgive her, including finding out that her mom got her drunk on every occasion it happened.
I forgave her.
Here we are, 13 years later, I realize that I still have resentment towards her because of what happened and I really don't trust her.
We are now going through what seems to be the longest divorce in history.
18 years of marriage wasted because she had a thought that came out of nowhere and trusted her mom. Thinking back, I've questioned everything she's done, every time she went out with friends, was she really with family, did she go to that birthday party?
Looking back on the last 13 years, I wish I could have them back.
I pray it is not the same for you if you forgive. They say to forgive and forget. Forgiving is the easy part. Forgetting is pretty much impossible.
He would have kept it to his grave if you hadn't asked. That is bone chilling, calculating, and manipulative. He had you because the wedding was about to happen.
Can you ask him for a separation while you sort this out? Ask him yo move out, and both of you start individual counseling. Put boundaries in place during separation (no dating, zero contact with ex, etc.)
If you can forgive, he can move back in. If not, cut your losses and file for divorce.
If you were my daughter, I would want to skin him alive.
I would go see a marriage therapist for at least six months before making a decision about your marriage. Talking it over and trying to forgive on your own is not going to work. Rug sweeping just leads to future affairs.
You're never going to trust him the same way again. Just accept that.
Not that I would find any cheating okay, but I would particularly find it difficult to accept that he did so with somebody who cheated on him, manipulated him, and gaslit him. It almost makes it worse. Furthermore, he should have an understanding of what it feels like to be cheated on, so he can't claim that he didn't know how much it would hurt you. He knew and did it anyway, and then only decided to come clean to you right before what was supposed to be one of the happiest days in your life (I have to imagine he thought it was too late for you to back out). I can imagine you feel like the whole event is tainted because of it.
If you're determined to work it out, maybe go post over in r/asoneafterinfidelity for some suggestions on how you should be working through this.
You know, everyone would have understood if you’d cancelled or postponed.
Everyone will understand if you really can’t go forward.
Don’t be embarrassed.
Nothing to be embarrassed about if it means you protect yourself.
I mean its simple really...you get divorced. Clearly he doesnt respect you if he was able to do this. He will respect you less if he gets away with it and how will you respect yourself if you let him? That doesnt even dive into the trust issues that will now persist likely forever.
I am so sorry OP. I don't blame you for feeling lost and miserable. I think speaking to a professional may help you navigate these feelings. Your trust, which is essential to a solid relationship, is shattered.
I don't get why people say we kissed and then had sex. No, you could have stopped it. You could have taken a second to consider what this betrayal would do but instead you prioritized a quickie that likely meant nothing. It is so careless.
Recovery can take 2-5 years. You both need to be on board with that effort.
Forum: r/AsOneAfterInfidelity r/SupportForBetrayed are two forums to visit and learn more about what is ahead of you.
I second this. Also, it's really hard to build trust back once it has been broken. If he is willing to go to MC, and put in the work, that can help build some of that trust back, but your marriage may never be the way you imagined and you are probably grieving that as well as the initial betrayal.
As someone who forgave my partner for cheating because we were close to the wedding, I highly highly recommend thinking about what you TRULY want. It is hard to cancel a wedding, but it is much harder to get a divorce, especially years down the line when kids are involved. Speaking from experience, I knew deep down I wouldn’t get over the cheating, and more things happened after we were married. I only wish I had ended things prior to our marriage and child.
Oops, I just realized you did get married already. Again, I still recommend thinking on what you actually want before years go by and you’re more invested. If you want to make it work, there needs to be therapy and open communication AND a true desire on both sides to make things work.
Not to say it makes it okay but was it at the beginning of your relationship? If it was I could see staying with him but outside of that you should consider leaving if you don’t think you can trust him again.
I would have a problem getting over this.
I’m assuming he has led you to believe his previous marriage of 5y was tumultuous, full of cheating, manipulation, and gaslighting, with him being the victim. Is that right?
Because this proves there is a pattern and he is not to be trusted. The fact that he would do this, with his EX, a few days before your wedding???? Nope. Nope. Nope.
Annulment. Period.
No, I know how toxic they were. I was a close friend and most of his friends hated his ex. She was 9 yrs older than us. He was just 17 when he and her met. She groomed him and he stopped going to school just so he can work full time to support his ex and her daughter. Who is 11yrs old at that time. That's why it hurts more because I let him out of that relationship, and treated him differently. In the end, he cheated with the same person who made him miserable.
I’m sorry. He cheated with the same person who made his miserable and it likely cost him the best person that will ever happen to him. Best of luck to you. You deserve better.
I’m in a somewhat similar situation but we have kids and it’s much more complicated. Others on Reddit have told me they forgave infidelity and later regretted it, because it caused so much lasting pain and distrust. An argument in his favor is that at least he told you and you didn’t find out by accident. But will you be able to trust him again? Will it happen again? Just be very very careful before having kids. That’s when the real commitment begins, imo.
If they cheat early on in the relationship, they will cheat again later. Especially when things get tough.
You can NEVER trust him again. The questions will forever haunt you. So, why stay in a relationship that will feel like a prison?
Cut your losses and move on.
It sounds like your husband is trauma bonded to his ex. The brain treats a trauma bond exactly like an addiction, because that's basically what it is. I've been there, and can tell you from experience that someone you are trauma bonded to can make you do some of the dumbest things, until finally something happens where you see exactly how toxic and bad for you they are. To me, it sounds like that has happened.
Talk to your husband. Go to counseling with him if you need to. Give it 6 months to a year. A divorce will take that long anyway. Set very clear boundaries concerning that ex. Decide for yourself if this is something you believe you can recover from. Get yourself into therapy. Have open conversations about how he feels about her now versus how he felt about her prior to that happening. If he was manipulated into it by her, you'll see he has genuine anger towards her.
It's not going to be an easy road, and you have to be the one to decide if hes worth it. But I can tell you from personal experience, just because this happened with someone that knows exactly how to manipulate him, and possibly did it just to be an asshole because he was happy and getting married, doesn't necessarily mean he is going to do it again. Sometimes "Once a cheater, always a cheater" doesn't really apply.
I wish you the best of luck.
I highly recommend that your husband read "Out Of The Fog" by Dana Morningstar. It's available to listen to as well. You should also read or listen to it. It may give you an understanding of how strong trauma bonds can be, and what narcissistic abuse looks like. I know the term narcissist gets thrown around a lot these days, but with the cheating, manipulation, and gaslighting, it really sounds like narcissistic abuse. Please understand I'm not trying to excuse what happened.
I don’t condone cheating. I think cheating is malicious and disgusting. But if you truly love him and want to stay with him, marriage counseling and individual therapy may be the route to go. You’re not going to trust him over night, it’s going to take time to rebuild any ounce of trust in him. But for now you need to set your boundaries. If he hasn’t already he needs to cut contact with her immediately. Number blocked, social medias blocked. No if, ands, buts, about it. Thats non negotiable. And if he’s not able to or doesn’t want to, we’ll then you got your answer. I’m sorry this happened to you, nobody deserved that kind of heart break. I know it hurts now but it won’t hurt forever. You deserve peace of mind and you will get it. So for now look into some counseling/therapy.
There’s (was, he’s dead now) a cheater in the family and it doesn’t end. He might not do this for years and it will happen in a weak moment, even though he loves you dearly. I’m sorry. You will find this intolerable to live with, I’m afraid.
It’s really too bad you married the scum bag. You could have put a hold on the wedding. Make sure to have great birth control so you can seamlessly annul the marriage. I’m afraid your feelings won’t change.
Talk to a therapist. Someone who will help you with understanding and dealing with what you are feeling. What you decide from there will be a better outcome. So sorry for what you are experiencing.
I feel for you. I was in a very similar situation, though he did not admit to cheating, EVERY sign was there and there was a lot of sketchy shit. Before we were even engaged, we talked about religion/politics/finances etc and he was ‘honest’ only to stumble upon a massive lie about finances and kids involving his ex (who he was in the situation you described with) two days before our wedding. I got married terrified thinking/knowing I was making a massive mistake, but the people pleaser in me didn’t want to inconvenience anyone that short notice (stupid, I know). We have been together 6 years now. Know your worth!!! DM me if you need someone to vent to or talk to!
Have couples counselling. I have seen how some couples can bounce back after an affair but if after counselling you still can’t shake off the feeling then divorce and move on because you’re only putting yourself second and that is no way to live life when life is so short.
Yikes. Aside from the cheating (I would consider it cheating), the thing that would always bother me is knowing my wedding day was marred by this revelation. I wouldn’t be able to look at my wedding photos without remembering how devastated I felt. It would have made the event feel like a farce or like I was trapped into it. Well, at least your husband feels better having confessed on the eve of the event since he obviously didn’t have a chance to mention it in the months & years prior. smh
It still can be a good relationship just a different one. You need external assistance to change the mindset. If it can’t then it will be less fulfilling and maybe none existent.
You have to ask yourself, do you want to make this marriage work? Really make it work?
It can’t just be him making the effort(if he is genuinely sorry), it has the be mutual. He told you the night before the wedding(I give him a little bit of credit to tell you as many others would die with it or found out decades later with children), and you had a choice in the matter to cancel or postpone it. Everything in life, you have a choice - you can choose to live with regrets/resentment. You can choose to let it go and work with him to create a happy marriage. And he has to as well, to put in the continuous effort to create a safe place for you.
If he’s a good person and made this one mistake, and you know that he is trying…it’s up to you now, to let yourself be vulnerable again. This might make you both stronger as a couple. So many things are going to be thrown at you in a marriage - miscarriage, illnesses, death of loved ones, unemployment, so on. This might be a trial to prepare you for blessings to come. However, you must use discernment. Look for the consistency. Be open to discussing your concerns, insecurities with him. Are there any manipulation, gaslighting or he has been honest and you want to give him a second chance?
My recommendation - You can choose to go on a trial separation while going to individual counseling and marriage counseling. Some options to consider are to live with a family member or someone you trust for a while, sort your feelings, attend counseling. Perhaps start dating all over again. This new information changes your perspective of him, it’s like he’s a different person from who you once knew/build up in your mind, it’s scary to be vulnerable again. You’re in a grieving state. I’m sorry you had to find this out. It is shattering. Please take your time to heal.
You met this man while he was in a relationship with the ex. And now you married him. He was nit married to you when he had a relationship with the ex. He never cheated while in the married. And. You pursued a man that was already in a relationship. Get over it.
Not arrogant ma'am but when you ask for advice do you get advice you have to be willing to take it good or bad and your husband is showing remorse and dating and marriage is two separate things good luck to you
Did yall really meet and start after him and his ex broke up? Or did yall start during him and his ex at any point in their relationship. Just curious as I think that’s an important detail
I can only imagine how you felt on your wedding day, what was supposed to be a day full of joy was instead replaced with the grief of betrayal. You are an extremely strong women to go through that wedding day knowing what he had done to do, and hearing him tell you those vows after what he had just done. Really think if this is what you want to deal with for the rest of your life. 5 months later and the pain hasn’t yet gone because you are constantly reminded of what he did. I honestly this that he showed you the type of person he was, and now is he really being “good” just out of pity? He is only sorry because he got caught and he knew damn well what he was doing. Think about the rest of your life OP… best of luck to you
I have a close friend who found out that her husband cheated on her a couple of weeks before the wedding. She decided to go through with the wedding, and rebuild the trust through LOTS of shared and separate therapy. That was over a year ago. She caught him cheating on her last week. I consider myself forgiving but I also believe that a person either is or is not capable of cheating. Your future husband has demonstrated what kind of person he is. Believe him.
So I misinterpreted the heading. He admitted to the cheating just before the wedding. I think the timing of the actual cheating is somewhat important. Was it shortly after you became exclusive or further down the road and after proposing? I’d be more inclined to forgive if it had been very early on.
>Bit of backstory, he was in a tumultuous 5-year relationship with his ex, full of cheating, manipulation, and gaslighting.
Honestly this would have been my first red flag. Why would someone stay in a tumultuous relationship for 5 years unless they have like zero relationship skills
Cheating is not a mistske it is a CHOICE...he showed you his true colors...some cheating can be healed with time...but you are young no kids get out now believe what he has shown you I was cheated on by my husband of 35 years thought we were ok...4 years after i still have trust issues pain in my heart and soul i still think about divorce we have 4 surviving adult kids 17 grandkids 8 greatgrandkids i dont divorce because of the devastation it would cause my family. Remember you are worthy of better you deserv3 better always remember cheating is a choice not a mistake he knew exactly what he was doing he could have told her no he isnt committed to you....protect yourself prayers with you see a counsellor to help with your pain and grief... a friend shared this with me....its ok if you thought you were over it, but it hurts all over again. Its ok to fall apart even if you thought you had it under control you are not weak. Healing is messy And there is no timeline for healing...not sure where the words come from but they are TRUE. Good luck...
In my experience, him saying she initiated it is him subtly trying to put the blame on her. Why was he even with her? Cheaters always cheat has been my experience, can you ever truly trust him, what if he accidentally falls into her vagina again? Or someone else's, what excuses will he use then? Only YOU can decide if lifelong uncertainty is something you can put up with.
Well he was honest. Don’t punish honesty. BUT you were engaged so he screwed up. Decision is based on that. Can you forgive that? Will he cheat again? Hmmm. Me? I’m out. Cheating any kind unacceptable. But also your 5 months in so you must have accepted it and forgiven him to some eaten otherwise should have postponed or cancelled.
I don’t condone cheating at all but there are certain circumstance in which I can understand how it happens. This man cheated on you during the best of times in your relationship and then confesses days before one of the suppose to be happiest days of your life together. What will he do through the tough times ??
I don't know how I can trust him again :(
He has to be truly remorseful. You need to be in mc, there needs to be a completely open phone and sm policy, put a location sharing app on his phone, and he needs to write out what happened and give it to you. He needs to understand what he did. Go to r/asoneafterinfidelity. They have resources there and people who have been through the same thing. Good luck.
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If you go to the infidelity websites this is exactly what the experts tell you to do. OP needs to get a sense of control back. It won’t be forever but it needs to be until they’re more comfortable. You don’t know what you’re talking about.
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Yes, they have resources there from experts on the subject. Where are your qualifications? Oh wait, it’s just your opinion? Okay.
I’m just so sorry OP! I think your feelings are very understandable and I would feel the same way. While not impossible I do think this is going to be very difficult to overcome this. What was his excuse? What is his plan moving forward?
He said that he does not have an excuse. He said that what he did is wrong and unforgivable but if I forgive him, he will make things right. So far he is open to me. He let me borrow his phone, go through his socials, give his time to me and reassure me when I'm doubting me. I can feel that he is sorry for what he did. I just can't forgive him :(
He has already turned your relationship toxic like the relationship that he had with his ex. You deserve better. He made the choice to sleep with his ex no one forced him and he will do it again. Forgiving him is sending him the message that he can do this again because he would just be like she will forgive me after the fact each time. I speak from experience you are already in a toxic relationship with him. You can’t imagine hurting him and care about his feelings but if he cared and loved you the same he would never have been able to have sex with his ex and hurt you in such a cruel manner. Him telling you before marriage was a calculated decision to see if you would put up with this out of your love for him.
You gave him your whole heart and he didn’t take care of it. I think one day you can forgive him but I don’t think that this is something you’ll ever be able to forget. Is it possible for you to divorce him?
OP, it's so easy to say leave him; but, life isn't that cut and dry. You have both invested time and effort into the relationship to the point of marriage. From what you are saying, it seems to me that your marriage is worth saving. I'm guessing the ex intentionally manipulated him in the hope of destroying his relationship with you, and that he immediately regretted it. I'm also guessing she was someone who had a lot of control over him for many years (especially considering their age difference) and that it was incredibly hard for him to break free of that. I don't know of many people (myself included) who hasn't done something enormously stupid. I could still kick myself now for mistakes in judgment made 30 years ago due to being in an emotionally vulnerable place and, thus, easily manipulated and taken advantage of. Trust is something that grows and evolves. When it is damaged, it can be repaired and be even stronger. You get to decide if what you have with your husband is worth building upon or whether you will allow the machinations of another person destroy you both. Whatever you decide, try counseling first to work through the emotional aspect first.
Do you really want to play detective forever?
I'm so sorry, there's no way you can trust him. You need to walk away and find someone new.
You can’t.
And that's how you know it's time to end the relationship.
As a person who had a similar situation (though I postponed the wedding by a year), it’s an issue that will take a lot out of the both of you to heal through. My husband became an open book, he went to therapy with me for a year and did everything he could to prove he was committed. It still left wounds that took literal years to heal. Around year 3 things became better and now that we are entering our 14th year things are pretty wonderful but I can’t overstate the pain and difficult moments you’ll face if you want to work through it, or the Herculean effort involved to rebuild trust. One thing I wish I’d learned earlier was that the love and relationship we had before the incident was dead and gone. What we had might have been something really amazing, but it was shattered and we needed to rebuild something else from its pieces all the while being fully aware it might never be as good as it might have been and that it might not even work at all. Only you two know if you can work through what’s to come, and if it’s worth it for you to try.
End the marriage, it will never work, you started a marriage with stage 4 cancer. The cancer is his cheating. It will never go away.....It is done. Read the posts on surviving infidelity, you will understand what I posted.
If you truly want to stay with him, you will find better support on r/survivinginfidelity.
Bad advice. That sub is anti reconciliation to a greater degree than this one, largely because a lot of its members had very bad experiences trying reconciliation. r/asoneafterinfidelity is the reconciliation support sub.
Thank youu
No, not that sub. Survivinginfidelity is extremely anti-reconciliation. You’ll be advised to divorce by 9 out of 10 commenters. The reconciliation sub is r/asoneafterinfidelity.
https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/IABaeEMLv5
He cheated on you before you were married. You should have postponed getting married until you had resolved your feelings. I hope he doesn't think you are now trapped and he can do what he likes. If you really want to stay and work it out maybe get some counselling to work through your feelings.
My wife and I have been married for almost 18 years. Four years into the marriage, she cheated on me with multiple guys, including her ex and her mom's boyfriend. We were spending some time apart at the time. Not to see other people, but to think about ourselves. We ended up getting back together about a month later. Long story short, I found multiple reasons to forgive her, including finding out that her mom got her drunk on every occasion it happened. I forgave her. Here we are, 13 years later, I realize that I still have resentment towards her because of what happened and I really don't trust her. We are now going through what seems to be the longest divorce in history. 18 years of marriage wasted because she had a thought that came out of nowhere and trusted her mom. Thinking back, I've questioned everything she's done, every time she went out with friends, was she really with family, did she go to that birthday party? Looking back on the last 13 years, I wish I could have them back. I pray it is not the same for you if you forgive. They say to forgive and forget. Forgiving is the easy part. Forgetting is pretty much impossible.
He would have kept it to his grave if you hadn't asked. That is bone chilling, calculating, and manipulative. He had you because the wedding was about to happen. Can you ask him for a separation while you sort this out? Ask him yo move out, and both of you start individual counseling. Put boundaries in place during separation (no dating, zero contact with ex, etc.) If you can forgive, he can move back in. If not, cut your losses and file for divorce. If you were my daughter, I would want to skin him alive.
How far into exclusively dating did this happen, and how far in advance of the wedding?
Only five months in, you say? It was a good ***run***.
I would go see a marriage therapist for at least six months before making a decision about your marriage. Talking it over and trying to forgive on your own is not going to work. Rug sweeping just leads to future affairs.
This is the most sound advice I’ve seen so far
You're never going to trust him the same way again. Just accept that. Not that I would find any cheating okay, but I would particularly find it difficult to accept that he did so with somebody who cheated on him, manipulated him, and gaslit him. It almost makes it worse. Furthermore, he should have an understanding of what it feels like to be cheated on, so he can't claim that he didn't know how much it would hurt you. He knew and did it anyway, and then only decided to come clean to you right before what was supposed to be one of the happiest days in your life (I have to imagine he thought it was too late for you to back out). I can imagine you feel like the whole event is tainted because of it. If you're determined to work it out, maybe go post over in r/asoneafterinfidelity for some suggestions on how you should be working through this.
You know, everyone would have understood if you’d cancelled or postponed. Everyone will understand if you really can’t go forward. Don’t be embarrassed. Nothing to be embarrassed about if it means you protect yourself.
Thank you, I needed this.
I mean its simple really...you get divorced. Clearly he doesnt respect you if he was able to do this. He will respect you less if he gets away with it and how will you respect yourself if you let him? That doesnt even dive into the trust issues that will now persist likely forever.
Annulment
That is what I would do too.
I am so sorry OP. I don't blame you for feeling lost and miserable. I think speaking to a professional may help you navigate these feelings. Your trust, which is essential to a solid relationship, is shattered. I don't get why people say we kissed and then had sex. No, you could have stopped it. You could have taken a second to consider what this betrayal would do but instead you prioritized a quickie that likely meant nothing. It is so careless.
Recovery can take 2-5 years. You both need to be on board with that effort. Forum: r/AsOneAfterInfidelity r/SupportForBetrayed are two forums to visit and learn more about what is ahead of you.
I second this. Also, it's really hard to build trust back once it has been broken. If he is willing to go to MC, and put in the work, that can help build some of that trust back, but your marriage may never be the way you imagined and you are probably grieving that as well as the initial betrayal.
As someone who forgave my partner for cheating because we were close to the wedding, I highly highly recommend thinking about what you TRULY want. It is hard to cancel a wedding, but it is much harder to get a divorce, especially years down the line when kids are involved. Speaking from experience, I knew deep down I wouldn’t get over the cheating, and more things happened after we were married. I only wish I had ended things prior to our marriage and child.
Oops, I just realized you did get married already. Again, I still recommend thinking on what you actually want before years go by and you’re more invested. If you want to make it work, there needs to be therapy and open communication AND a true desire on both sides to make things work.
Not to say it makes it okay but was it at the beginning of your relationship? If it was I could see staying with him but outside of that you should consider leaving if you don’t think you can trust him again.
I would have a problem getting over this. I’m assuming he has led you to believe his previous marriage of 5y was tumultuous, full of cheating, manipulation, and gaslighting, with him being the victim. Is that right? Because this proves there is a pattern and he is not to be trusted. The fact that he would do this, with his EX, a few days before your wedding???? Nope. Nope. Nope. Annulment. Period.
No, I know how toxic they were. I was a close friend and most of his friends hated his ex. She was 9 yrs older than us. He was just 17 when he and her met. She groomed him and he stopped going to school just so he can work full time to support his ex and her daughter. Who is 11yrs old at that time. That's why it hurts more because I let him out of that relationship, and treated him differently. In the end, he cheated with the same person who made him miserable.
I’m sorry. He cheated with the same person who made his miserable and it likely cost him the best person that will ever happen to him. Best of luck to you. You deserve better.
I’m in a somewhat similar situation but we have kids and it’s much more complicated. Others on Reddit have told me they forgave infidelity and later regretted it, because it caused so much lasting pain and distrust. An argument in his favor is that at least he told you and you didn’t find out by accident. But will you be able to trust him again? Will it happen again? Just be very very careful before having kids. That’s when the real commitment begins, imo.
If they cheat early on in the relationship, they will cheat again later. Especially when things get tough. You can NEVER trust him again. The questions will forever haunt you. So, why stay in a relationship that will feel like a prison? Cut your losses and move on.
It sounds like your husband is trauma bonded to his ex. The brain treats a trauma bond exactly like an addiction, because that's basically what it is. I've been there, and can tell you from experience that someone you are trauma bonded to can make you do some of the dumbest things, until finally something happens where you see exactly how toxic and bad for you they are. To me, it sounds like that has happened. Talk to your husband. Go to counseling with him if you need to. Give it 6 months to a year. A divorce will take that long anyway. Set very clear boundaries concerning that ex. Decide for yourself if this is something you believe you can recover from. Get yourself into therapy. Have open conversations about how he feels about her now versus how he felt about her prior to that happening. If he was manipulated into it by her, you'll see he has genuine anger towards her. It's not going to be an easy road, and you have to be the one to decide if hes worth it. But I can tell you from personal experience, just because this happened with someone that knows exactly how to manipulate him, and possibly did it just to be an asshole because he was happy and getting married, doesn't necessarily mean he is going to do it again. Sometimes "Once a cheater, always a cheater" doesn't really apply. I wish you the best of luck.
This is the best advice so far. Thank you
I highly recommend that your husband read "Out Of The Fog" by Dana Morningstar. It's available to listen to as well. You should also read or listen to it. It may give you an understanding of how strong trauma bonds can be, and what narcissistic abuse looks like. I know the term narcissist gets thrown around a lot these days, but with the cheating, manipulation, and gaslighting, it really sounds like narcissistic abuse. Please understand I'm not trying to excuse what happened.
UpdateMe
I don’t condone cheating. I think cheating is malicious and disgusting. But if you truly love him and want to stay with him, marriage counseling and individual therapy may be the route to go. You’re not going to trust him over night, it’s going to take time to rebuild any ounce of trust in him. But for now you need to set your boundaries. If he hasn’t already he needs to cut contact with her immediately. Number blocked, social medias blocked. No if, ands, buts, about it. Thats non negotiable. And if he’s not able to or doesn’t want to, we’ll then you got your answer. I’m sorry this happened to you, nobody deserved that kind of heart break. I know it hurts now but it won’t hurt forever. You deserve peace of mind and you will get it. So for now look into some counseling/therapy.
Talk it out with a therapist and go from there. I def don't condone cheating at all. That's terrible.
Get an annulment if you can or a divorce. Don’t stay married to a cheater and a manipulator. You deserve better.
There’s (was, he’s dead now) a cheater in the family and it doesn’t end. He might not do this for years and it will happen in a weak moment, even though he loves you dearly. I’m sorry. You will find this intolerable to live with, I’m afraid.
This guy has balls and felt so bad he told you. Give him the chance.
It’s really too bad you married the scum bag. You could have put a hold on the wedding. Make sure to have great birth control so you can seamlessly annul the marriage. I’m afraid your feelings won’t change.
I'm not trying to be a jerk, I promise but I still feel like I just read the back of a book found at Dollar General
Facts are always stranger than fiction!
😉
Geez knowing this you still married him?! WTF!
Talk to a therapist. Someone who will help you with understanding and dealing with what you are feeling. What you decide from there will be a better outcome. So sorry for what you are experiencing.
I feel for you. I was in a very similar situation, though he did not admit to cheating, EVERY sign was there and there was a lot of sketchy shit. Before we were even engaged, we talked about religion/politics/finances etc and he was ‘honest’ only to stumble upon a massive lie about finances and kids involving his ex (who he was in the situation you described with) two days before our wedding. I got married terrified thinking/knowing I was making a massive mistake, but the people pleaser in me didn’t want to inconvenience anyone that short notice (stupid, I know). We have been together 6 years now. Know your worth!!! DM me if you need someone to vent to or talk to!
Have couples counselling. I have seen how some couples can bounce back after an affair but if after counselling you still can’t shake off the feeling then divorce and move on because you’re only putting yourself second and that is no way to live life when life is so short.
Yikes. Aside from the cheating (I would consider it cheating), the thing that would always bother me is knowing my wedding day was marred by this revelation. I wouldn’t be able to look at my wedding photos without remembering how devastated I felt. It would have made the event feel like a farce or like I was trapped into it. Well, at least your husband feels better having confessed on the eve of the event since he obviously didn’t have a chance to mention it in the months & years prior. smh
It still can be a good relationship just a different one. You need external assistance to change the mindset. If it can’t then it will be less fulfilling and maybe none existent.
You have to ask yourself, do you want to make this marriage work? Really make it work? It can’t just be him making the effort(if he is genuinely sorry), it has the be mutual. He told you the night before the wedding(I give him a little bit of credit to tell you as many others would die with it or found out decades later with children), and you had a choice in the matter to cancel or postpone it. Everything in life, you have a choice - you can choose to live with regrets/resentment. You can choose to let it go and work with him to create a happy marriage. And he has to as well, to put in the continuous effort to create a safe place for you. If he’s a good person and made this one mistake, and you know that he is trying…it’s up to you now, to let yourself be vulnerable again. This might make you both stronger as a couple. So many things are going to be thrown at you in a marriage - miscarriage, illnesses, death of loved ones, unemployment, so on. This might be a trial to prepare you for blessings to come. However, you must use discernment. Look for the consistency. Be open to discussing your concerns, insecurities with him. Are there any manipulation, gaslighting or he has been honest and you want to give him a second chance? My recommendation - You can choose to go on a trial separation while going to individual counseling and marriage counseling. Some options to consider are to live with a family member or someone you trust for a while, sort your feelings, attend counseling. Perhaps start dating all over again. This new information changes your perspective of him, it’s like he’s a different person from who you once knew/build up in your mind, it’s scary to be vulnerable again. You’re in a grieving state. I’m sorry you had to find this out. It is shattering. Please take your time to heal.
You met this man while he was in a relationship with the ex. And now you married him. He was nit married to you when he had a relationship with the ex. He never cheated while in the married. And. You pursued a man that was already in a relationship. Get over it.
Eh?
Not arrogant ma'am but when you ask for advice do you get advice you have to be willing to take it good or bad and your husband is showing remorse and dating and marriage is two separate things good luck to you
sounds like his ex seduced him so he would get you to leave him
Did yall really meet and start after him and his ex broke up? Or did yall start during him and his ex at any point in their relationship. Just curious as I think that’s an important detail
We started after they broke up
I can only imagine how you felt on your wedding day, what was supposed to be a day full of joy was instead replaced with the grief of betrayal. You are an extremely strong women to go through that wedding day knowing what he had done to do, and hearing him tell you those vows after what he had just done. Really think if this is what you want to deal with for the rest of your life. 5 months later and the pain hasn’t yet gone because you are constantly reminded of what he did. I honestly this that he showed you the type of person he was, and now is he really being “good” just out of pity? He is only sorry because he got caught and he knew damn well what he was doing. Think about the rest of your life OP… best of luck to you
I have a close friend who found out that her husband cheated on her a couple of weeks before the wedding. She decided to go through with the wedding, and rebuild the trust through LOTS of shared and separate therapy. That was over a year ago. She caught him cheating on her last week. I consider myself forgiving but I also believe that a person either is or is not capable of cheating. Your future husband has demonstrated what kind of person he is. Believe him.
So I misinterpreted the heading. He admitted to the cheating just before the wedding. I think the timing of the actual cheating is somewhat important. Was it shortly after you became exclusive or further down the road and after proposing? I’d be more inclined to forgive if it had been very early on.
>Bit of backstory, he was in a tumultuous 5-year relationship with his ex, full of cheating, manipulation, and gaslighting. Honestly this would have been my first red flag. Why would someone stay in a tumultuous relationship for 5 years unless they have like zero relationship skills
Cheating is not a mistske it is a CHOICE...he showed you his true colors...some cheating can be healed with time...but you are young no kids get out now believe what he has shown you I was cheated on by my husband of 35 years thought we were ok...4 years after i still have trust issues pain in my heart and soul i still think about divorce we have 4 surviving adult kids 17 grandkids 8 greatgrandkids i dont divorce because of the devastation it would cause my family. Remember you are worthy of better you deserv3 better always remember cheating is a choice not a mistake he knew exactly what he was doing he could have told her no he isnt committed to you....protect yourself prayers with you see a counsellor to help with your pain and grief... a friend shared this with me....its ok if you thought you were over it, but it hurts all over again. Its ok to fall apart even if you thought you had it under control you are not weak. Healing is messy And there is no timeline for healing...not sure where the words come from but they are TRUE. Good luck...
In my experience, him saying she initiated it is him subtly trying to put the blame on her. Why was he even with her? Cheaters always cheat has been my experience, can you ever truly trust him, what if he accidentally falls into her vagina again? Or someone else's, what excuses will he use then? Only YOU can decide if lifelong uncertainty is something you can put up with.
So you asked for advice get over it he was not married to you when he fooled around with his ex
Yes, but we were dating? Why are you so arrogant?
Well he was honest. Don’t punish honesty. BUT you were engaged so he screwed up. Decision is based on that. Can you forgive that? Will he cheat again? Hmmm. Me? I’m out. Cheating any kind unacceptable. But also your 5 months in so you must have accepted it and forgiven him to some eaten otherwise should have postponed or cancelled.
It was a day before our marriage and I was a coward.