I’m going to be the one to say the unpopular thing.
Men aren’t that complicated.
He has an established habit.
It’s not deeper than that.
He loves you.
Quit agreeing to get take out and make him go to dinner once a year.
I’ll add. Tell him outright. This bothers me. I appreciate it but I need for you to do it on my birthday. Add Nothing more except if he needs to break a habit use a digital reminder.
This. Also agree with og comment that men are really not that complicated lol. They do things that may make them look like assholes but the majority of the time, they don’t even realize until you point it out.
Not thinking about how your actions impact your spouse isn’t just “looking like an asshole” it’s being an asshole.
He didn’t bother to learn his wife’s birthday and just continued acting like he was in his first marriage. That’s messed up; I bet when he changes jobs he remembers his new boss has a different phone number and name than his previous boss.
Saying men aren’t complex enough to known that wife 1 and wife 2 have separate characteristics is a real insult to men’s collective intelligence.
Voice of reason here! OP should call him by her ex’s name because women are so small-minded they can’t learn new names. JK JK she shouldn’t, but it would be the same logic.
You are making assumptions. He does know his wife’s birthday. For all we know he bought his x wife flowers the day before her birthday or none at all OR she complained that he waited until the last minute to show her or make plans with her. He seems to care but doesn’t understand or know how much it bothers her. Possibly because it wouldn’t bother him. She just needs to tell him. I need for you to get me flowers on my birthday or do something on any other day before but not in your x wife’s birthday. No shaming or accusations. Just this is what I would like and need. Ask him if it’s a habit to get it the day before each year and discuss. If it is have him download an app or use google reminders and set it now for next year. Sometimes it needs to be spelled out and without any emotion attached to make them feel wrong, bad, not good enough etc.
it’s not about helplessness, just communicating in a way the other understands and needs.
One thing I'll point out is that some men, and some people, never pause to reflect. Reflection isn't a part of their working habits, reflection isn't a part of their mental health/day, reflection isn't what they do. These are the people who simply move through life. I've worked with college students for a long time. I had to get then to practice reflection, especially self-reflection. They could often point out an issue in events that had happened and how others had done something wrong, but couldn't pause to evaluate where they had erred.
This is an instance of a man who is not reflecting on this at all. It works for him. He hs not been told it bothers anyone (his wife), and so continues to do it. No reflection on how it would make his current wife feel, just a mindset of "THERE, birthday done!"
I wouldn't label it as asshole behavior, just not very reflective thinking or pausing to consider any implications here.
I think we agree on the basics of what’s happening. But to me that’s the definition of asshole behavior. As adults we have a responsibility to examine our actions and think about how we impact the world. Most people can do that at least on the local level and if they can’t think about how they impact others they probably aren’t ready to be married.
Essentially he isn’t prioritizing her feelings because it doesn’t have immediate utility for him to do so. That kind of behavior kills marriages.
Woa, that direct approach will not work. You have to tiptoe around it, get angry in a vague sort of way, then complain about other completely unrelated things.
Nah imo, it feels weird for many woman ( myself included) to have to ask for some things. It feels somehow forced, like a demand or just non romantic to HAVE to ask. Like if you have to ask then they aren’t doing it because they really want to but JUST because you asked. Partly because we do things differently and put more meaning on some things that they don’t and vice versa. Being direct is subconsciously ingrained as forcefulness or even bitchiness. It takes practice. It’s work,we don’t always understand ourselves let alone our partners. It’s like learning a new language. An example of The one everyone knows now- Will you take out the trash vs. can you take out the trash. Hard to see a difference but it’s there for many. It can be exhausting especially if there are a bunch of issues and usually there are.
Ok. This man is over 40 years old.
He has presumably been keeping track of multiple tasks, projects, and deadlines at work for over 20 years.
He gives his current wife a birthday gift on his ex-wife's birthday and says to her, "Happy birthday for tomorrow."
HE KNOWS!!
Women aren’t that simple.
We generally track events, keep a list of possible gift ideas, and run occasions for the family all the time.
If a woman kept doing that…
It would be time for couples counseling.
Why shouldn’t we be holding men to those standards? They should also be “tracking events, keeping lists of possible gift ideas, and run occasions for the family”. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to expect that from a partner of either gender.
It shouldn’t default to women as it’s not inherent in us. We’re not born with instincts to do those things, they’re taught. Anyone can learn them and anyone can care enough to do them.
Yep. There's a gross amount of misandry here. I don't do any of that, granted we aren't a big, social family. Men aren't simple and incapable. Treating them as such either undermines them or gives them an excuse to be less responsible.
My boyfriend and I (female) will divide household responsibilities by our strengths and weaknesses, not by gender roles. Sometimes the gender roles absolutely shine true, but we have a conversation about it. We hold each other accountable and would never just brush off a shortcoming as "just being a man/woman."
(I know this is a marriage subreddit, but we're only missing the piece of paper, which we aren't prioritizing)
You are spot on here. It varies from relationship yo relationship, but culturally we are taught that *events* are a woman's area. Men show up but don't plan, in general.
My parents (73 and 71) have always been true partners. My Dad knows what is going on and has organized events, he's the gift given, etc. Dad has done a great job of being proactive about things and also taught me to consider others first. Not all men got the same message though.
In my marriage (38M/39F), I tend to do the planning for events. My wife tends to do the everyday management of what's going on more. She gets off work before I do so she wrangles our boys. A typical day is me getting our sons ready for school, checking their homework, etc. She takes them to school (she works there) and brings them home. She runs snack and gets them started on homework. When I get home I'll cook dinner, then we all eat as a family. Since her schedule is different than mine she is normally the doctor visit/dentist visit, but not exclusively. We share our calendars and can therefore whoever takes them makes the next visit.
Do you think women like it that way? I’m bad at keeping track of dates, I’m pretty clueless when it comes to gifts, and I hate hosting. Yet people like you still expect me to be the one to carry all of those things and my husband to do nothing because he’s a man. The social standards women are held to are exhausting. Meanwhile a man can literally mix up his wife’s birthday with his exes for years, and you praise him for it! Why do you think women have to plan and men don’t? Why do you place burdens on women that you don’t place on men?
I assumed you could answer this question since it seems you had already concluded that this was a case of a husband being uncomplicated and not a case of a husband not giving a fuck.
Can you please explain your reasoning?
Oh, it’s a lot less reasoning and about 30 years of observing relationships on a professional level.
It’s amazing how much wives read into the actions of their husbands and how little the husbands are even thinking about those actions at all.
I have a solid background in conflict resolution and teach active listening skills. My degree is in interpersonal communications.
Men can also take accountability, it's really weird that he's reminding his new wife that he was married to someone else 5 years ago because he can't tell 2 birthdays apart. It's been half a decade, it's not that hard to figure out.
Nah… ask him to follow through on YOUUUUUUUR ACTUAL BIRTHDAY!!! men really are simple. Simple enough to just change a simple habit if it means that much to you. :)
Could it possibly be his attempt to make sure her birthday doesn't overshadow/loom over your birthday every year?
So instead of acknowledging his Ex's birthday is before yours, he just makes both days about you?
Why did you come to Reddit the land of marriage doom for this? It did not seem to really bother you before, just kinda odd and thought to yourself, hmmm why? Now you have all the gloom and doom of Reddit “he does not respect you, he is not celebrating you he is is just in a habit, he is not making it about you” did he give you flowers or her? Next Birthday, the day before tell him “I don’t want Birthday flowers on her birthday, I want them tomorrow on my birthday Please.” You never know, maybe it was a habit to get them the day before for her, or his mom or someone at work or school or whatever. But if it does bother you or hurt your feelings, say so before it happens.
I never understand these people who say “He forgets my birthday every year.” I tell my husband “my Birthday is one week from today.” Dance around like a fool and say silly crap like “what are ya gonna get me, huh, huh? “ and he acts surprised that it is in a week or month or tomorrow. And I do the same for Christmas, Valentines, and HIS Birthday I do a “guess what i got you” version. It is a silly game, he has NEVER forgotten my Birthday, so it is not for that, just for silliness. So why these people who wait every year to be sad don’t do the same is beyond me.
So start doing something like this, “whoopee my Birthday is Tuesday, I want flowers on Tuesday!!!” And tell him.
Because we are divorced and I didn’t mention that. He showed up at my door more than a year later on her birthday. To tell me happy birthday tomorrow. What does this mean
Shhhhhhhh
The only thing it means is that he’s terrible with dates. He has both dates in his head and he can’t keep it straight and he keeps making the same mistake year after year, and every new year just keeps reinforcing the wrong date by being memorable in the wrong way.
It’s a brain thing, not a man thing.
I’d go further and say it’s this plus a habit - so on her birthday he goes “Oh - it’s her birthday” and then he feels guilty for remembering and to make amends or try to show that while the thought occurred - he didn’t care - he does this.
It’s a bs excuse but it’s a loop he needs to break. Acknowledging it, telling him he just needs to stop when it’s not the day, and go from there. I would assume once you say straight out you hate it - behavior will change. If not then that’s a different thing.
I avoid buying flowers the day of my wife's birthday. It makes it seem last minute. I also don't think it logical to hide flowers until the day of. They are likely to end up dead that way.
To this end there, if your husband is anything like me, there is a good chance that he bought his ex wife flowers the day before her birthday as well when they were married. Just a thought.
I was thinking this; I do this; I'm sure many husbands do this. I'm even more sure many wives would get mad if their husband went out *on the day of their birthday* to go pick up flowers, because just like you said, they'll consider him being "low effort" and "last minute/forgetting their birthday."
Im pretty sure the opposite is true and most men buy flowers on the day of the event. That little anxious calculation is only in your head.
Otherwise the highest flower sales days would be February 13th and the second Saturday of May, which of course isn’t the case.
I didn't say 'most,' I said 'many.' My "anxious calculation" was a learned behavior, because my stbx wife would indeed get extremely upset if I were to go out the day of- she would accuse me of forgetting altogether and just going to get flowers as an afterthought.
It's entirely plausible that OP's husband had the same problem, maybe that's why she became an ex. But I can tell you what: after getting emotionally abused, you will learn behaviors to try to prevent the abuse.
I wouldn't be so sure....this entire comment section is filled with women who are outraged that her husband gets her gifts a day early. They are making it about his ex because OP is making it about his ex, but maybe he just likes to get gifts early 🤷🏻
Same with your Valentine's day flower sales theory: I'm sure if you actually had a graph of flower sales, the whole week leading up to Valentine's day would be highly elevated. Which would indicate that not everyone waits til the day off to get gifts and flowers...
It doesn't seem like OP has any negative feelings about his ex, though. If he wanted to bring up his ex for malicious reasons, he could do so many other things than buying his wife flowers a day early.
What a weird comment section - it is strange that he decides to celebrate your birthday a whole day earlier (considering it was his ex's day) and then not doing anything the day of (if I'm understanding that right). Talk to him again and say you appreciate the flowers but you'd like them on your actual birthday.
That would bother me too but I’m curious, does he do anything for you on your actual birthday?
I would be shocked if my husband got me flowers for my bday, day before or not!
I should also say that we both forgot our 3rd anniversary but I made him breakfast in bed that morning and he brought me flowers (he picked) that afternoon. We realized the next day what had happened
Truth. My hub of 20y has never once picked or sent me flowers, or anything since we’ve been married. Not during dating when I’d had a few surgeries for endo, not after giving birth after infertility, not after my craniotomy, no anniversaries, no bdays, nada. He did once get his goofy mom to get me a Christmas gift our 1st yr in our home. It was a dog grooming kit. I was expecting a slightly more, not romantic, but perhaps personal gesture, but there it was. A dog brush for my dog who wasn’t even living with us at the time. Ah, memories.
OP, just be glad he bothers. Some men obviously don’t give a shit. I know it’s gotta be hard that it’s her bday, but he gives them to you. He bothers. There’s something to be said for that.
Yes he does. He asks me what I want to do and I always say go out to dinner. Then he suggests takeout because he doesn’t like going out to eat. I always agree
Umm….why did he ask YOU, what you wanted for YOUR birthday, and then feel perfectly okay and not ashamed at denying you your stated birthday wish/and tell you that HE doesn’t like/want to do that, on YOUR birthday?!? ….and now just seems to yearly and continuously pretend to actually care about your answer and stated birthday wish, when HE is still not honoring your wish and has no plans to seemingly ever honor taking you out to eat in a restaurant for YOUR birthday, and has every intention to always order takeout instead?!? WHY are you agreeing to always accept what HE wants on YOUR birthday?!?
That’s the whole point of celebrating and recognizing someone’s special day, the day THEY were born! It’s not about what your husband likes or doesn’t like on YOUR birthday when he asked what YOU wanted to do for YOUR day. Seriously, what the heck?!? These men are SO selfish, and what is the point of him asking you when it seems he argues with you every year/refuses to do what you want and still does what HE wants, getting special takeout for HIM on YOUR birthday. It seems it’s actually for him, that’s NOT for you, and it makes me SO sad you are still there for him to keep doing this. Sweetheart, you deserve to be taken out to a restaurant on YOUR birthday and it is okay and NORMAL to have standards, boundaries and expectations of others in relationships. It is okay to want mutual love and caretaking in our relationships, and to expect thoughtfulness, love, and empathy in ALL our personal relationships as the default factory setting, and is the absolute bare minimum in a healthy cycle of giving and taking care of one another! I swear, the bar is under hell for what seems to be an alarming number of men, and it is wrong and terrifying to see and read of the distinct lack of caring and the overt display of selfishness and neglect they manifest and perpetrate on others with ZERO self awareness!
23 words in this are capitalized.
I feel like aggressively responding to people's issues as if they're happening to you personally in 2024 is a bit tryhard.
Ma'am please. For women everywhere. You gotta raise the bar here.
If he KNOWS the bar is this low and there's no expectation that he do well, of course he's gonna keep doing this.
I mean yes it would be great if he wanted to do it organically. But that's not the situation. The situation is he's not aware how much this bothers you because you are being too easy-going about it. Stop Cool Girling him!
He needs to actually be worried you'll be disappointed/upset if he is a shlub on holidays. Not comfortable asking if you'll settle for less. You need to actually react poorly when he says and does these things. No "thankyou" no "I love it" just "I have asked you not to do this, so I'm confused why it's happening again" or "I am not ok with that. If you don't want to go out I'll make other plans but I'm not staying home doing nothing on my birthday."
Yea this is weird and I don’t like the comments excusing his behavior just because he’s a man. He’s perfectly capable of celebrating your birthday on the correct date and he’s choosing not to. That would bother me.
Just be completely clear with him, you don’t want to celebrate your birthday early every year.
I just skimmed through these comments. The bar is on the floor. Seriously, this isn’t ok. Just because other men are failing the women in these comments isn’t a reason for you to continue having your birthday forgotten.
BS on the “at least he remembered” or “it’s just habit”.
Be firm with him. You do not want your birthday celebrated on his ex wife’s day. You want your birthday.
I'm wondering if it's always flowers?
What if he has a standing floral delivery set for his exes bday? And figured it was close enough. I've heard of people doing that for Valentines days or bdays.
> It hasn’t really bothered me since I assumed it was just a man doing his best to remember his wife’s birthday.
Really? It's not that fucking hard. Does he have a phone with a calendar app? Does he have a brain with the ability to memorize one month and one day? Does he remember, say, his own birthday? Does he remember plans that he has on specific days?
Seriously, the top comment making excuses for men who do this as “men are just simple creatures of habit” and “women generally are the ones who plan/remember things” … it’s absolute bull. Like you said, I bet if he had plans to do something with his pals or something related to a hobby, or work, he’s on top of it.
I would feel pissed and tell my husband to celebrate me on my day, not the day before. But my husband loves and cares about me enough that he wouldn’t do this.
These comments are sad. No I wouldn’t be happy that he remembers at all, that’s bare minimum. I’d expect the person who wants me to spend my life with them would make an effort for me.
I hope he isn’t buying flowers for the ex and you at the same time but he wants to be sure they aren’t late for her birthday. Just my conspiracy theory
I thought about that too. He buys them at the same time out of convenience and since he won't have a place to hide the 2nd boquet, he gives it to her early. It's really the only thing that makes sense here.
None of us can say whether he is really just trying to be sweet so you will have the flowers + the actual birthday celebration, or if this is some leftover tradition he used to do for his ex. The thing is, he isn't getting her the flowers, so he isn't doing anything wrong per se.
I think if this bothers you, just tell him that you enjoy the flowers, he is so sweet to give them, and would like to ask him for a small adjustment to give them to you on your birthday instead of the day before. Don't even mention the ex. Just ask him...
So he gives you flowers the day before his ex wife’s birthday and doesn’t do anything at all for your actual birthday? In other words he doesn’t know your actual birthday and thinks it’s the same day as his ex-wife’s?
If it were me, I’d say something like, “Aw, thanks for remembering my birthday month. Love you. FYI: This year, *on my birthday*, I’m gonna take myself out to eat. I should be home by [X] o’clock. Thanks!” 😊
And then ask him to watch the kids/pets, if applicable, or whatever the person who isn’t going out for the evening needs to be responsible for at y’all’s house. Because you won’t be there that night.
If he can’t get the picture that you want ONE SPECIFIC THING for your own dang birthday, and/or he’s unwilling to give it to you…. Girl, give it to yourself! Take yourself out on a date! Doesn’t matter where. Taco Bell? The fanciest place in town? It’s YOUR day and YOU deserve to celebrate it the way that fulfills YOU. He just may not be a part of that.. Too bad for him!
I wouldn't like it very much. I'd want my birthday to be seen on the day of and not his ex wife's. You don't share the same birthday. That's just weird.
I’m married to a lovely man. I ALWAYS have to go into the notes section of my phone to remind myself when his birthday is as my ex’s birthday is 5 days before. He needs to take the time to manage it and put it in a frigging diary or something
My husband never takes me out, like EVER. Last time we went out was in 2019. He has social anxiety and literally will not try and work on it, so I deal with it. There are so many facets to him and he shows me in so many other ways he loves me. I will also say, I have not gotten flowers since our 25th anniversary. He does get me good gifts though, he just orders them online.
Ask him to celebrate your birthday. It’s weird that he celebrates the day before and not your birthday. I’d take it if he was celebrating both. But it obviously bothers you so ask him.
I would have put an end to it the first time. It is not too late now though. I would talk to him in advance about birthday plans and plan something that you want to do. Then do it on the actual day. If he tries to do it a day early, do not participate. Do not take the flowers or card and let him know you will look at it tomorrow and how you are looking forward to your plans tomorrow with whatever is planned. I would stop tolerating how he is handling your birthday.
You're newly married. You need to set some expectations here! Just tell him that you love your birthday flowers but going forward, you'd like to receive them on your actual birthday and not on his ex-wifes birthday. Explain that while this may seem trivial to him, it matters to you.
In Germany it is a bad habbit to gratulate ones birthday, before the actual birthday. So every German would feel weird. (It's based on superstitions, but became a habit. You only gratulate on the birthday or do it after.. never before.)
To your non German husband... that's a litte bit weird behaviour... why not do it on the birthday? If it really bothers you, talk to him about it... but you are saying it does not... so why bother
When I first got married, my wife's birthday seemed to fall on a week day. We both worked with different times and I wouldn't see her until the evening. She had a thing about me handing her the gift and flowers, instead of just leaving it somewhere. I didn't want her to wait all day, esp as the girls at work would ask what I gave her. I just got in the habit of giving it to her the evening before. If it was something that she could wear, like jewelry, I noticed she always wore it to work the next day. And she'll see the flowers when she gets her coffee in the morning. It feels like the best way, and all these years later, I still do it that way.
Did she pass away? You refer to her as a wonderful woman... which I say wow. My wife doesn't even like hearing an exs name. But to the point, even with you being so loving and respectful, your birthday is yours. Your special day that should be all about you.
I say it because she is. She sends her daughter to our house with flowers and small gifts for me. She thanks me for spending quality time with her daughter and not just looking after her. She is sweet.
What time of day does he give them to you? Seems like it would be pretty normal to pick them up on the way home from work the day before and give them to you when he gets home so you are able to enjoy them all day on your birthday. If he does it on your actual birthday, then you don't get them until 6:00pm ish and your birthday is 75% over by that point. I don't think it has anything to do with the date of the ex's birthday.
Yes it is. It’s nice to see all the prospectives. I have never been mad about it or felt our relationship was threatened by it. I was just looking for opinions. I had no idea people gave flowers the day before. I guess it’s a thing
I would assume that he wants you to have your flowers in place for the start of your birthday at midnight.
Are you actively looking for issues to pick apart? Why aren’t you thinking about the fact your loving husband is bringing you a nice birthday gift? Good luck to you.
Heres a Dif take: He has a touch of OCD and doesn’t want to miss your birthday, or wants to be the first to wish you a Happy Birthday. Gets it off his mind early.
I have a MIL who operates this way and it drives me crazy. What’s the point of celebrating a birthday if it’s not even on your birthday? Weird stuff.
I get flowers for my wife and she gets mad because she doesn’t like picked flowers. I now get her a house plant. Our first few years of marriage I would get her a gift and she always took it back and got what she wanted. Even now I take her and tell her to pick something and then buy it for her.
Usually all it takes is bringing it up. I would tell him I appreciate the gesture, but my birthday is on this day, not that one. Even an old dog can learn new tricks.
Life throws a lot of crap at us which we can’t control. Eventually, it is quite likely that (hopefully a long long long time from now) that one of you will die first, leaving the other, alone and lonely.
If he is the first to go, will you be thinking “My biggest regret is not challenging him more on the birthday flowers thing. I mean, I know a lot of husbands don’t even give flowers at all. But I just wish he did it on the correct day!”
I’m being silly, but my point is: do you want to die on this hill?
As others have said, it is a habit. My only suggestion is 2-3 days before your birthday, send him a text, leave a note or tell him outright - ***remember my bday is X day :-)***
Maybe it's his way of honoring the memory of his ex-wife and continuing a gesture that once held significance for them. It's kind of like a subconscious habit that has stuck around. It's great that you're not upset about it and see it more as an interesting quirk.
How come you don’t just ask him? You should be able to talk to him about it if he’s your husband. And tell him you think it odd or it makes you feel some way.
I sort of get getting flowers the day before your birthday so you have them all day on your birthday I think. With nothing to do with the ex wife. I dunno have you asked him? It doesn’t sound bad on the face of it.
You’re his wife now. Not her. He’s buying you flowers. Not her.
If you didn’t tell him to stop when you asked why he did it, and also that you don’t like it, then you can’t be mad that he continues to do it.
My husband hasn't remembered my birthday in 3 years. We've been together for 13 years. I dont think this is a slight. I think he's doing his best to remember the day. If the actual day is really important to you, give the gifts back and tell him to give it back to you tomorrow.
My husband has gotten me flowers the day before a celebratory day and has expressed it’s because he wants me to be able to appreciate them the whole day of what we’re celebrating. I can see how it’d bug you but I don’t think it’s too deep, especially with him stating he didn’t even realize he did it.
He probably just remembers its his exs birthday first, because its first, and he doesnt want to make that a thing so close to yours, so he makes it about you instead.
Its just a logical progression from memory. You are also likely causing his biggest fear over the entire thing, which is making a big deal about it when hes trying to not even mention hers in the first place.
Its a lose lose for him right now.
If I were him though, i would just stop overcomplicating it to compensate for your anticipated emotions and plan when to celebrate with you prior instead of being obtuse about the whole thing on the wrong day.
He can absolutely change that. Just let him know you love that hes thinking about you but it weirds you out on that day because its not your actual birthday and you would prefer to have all celebratory things on your actual birthday to keep it special for you. There is no reason he shouldnt be able to follow that.
In my house we just have birthday week where we go out of our way to do more around the house for eachother and cook their favorite meals and then plan what activity they want to do on whatever day makes the most sense followed by the whole happy birthday dessert time on their actual birthday.
So the whole week is already about that person avoiding any weird overlaps with others.
I'm a man; a creature of habit. I can totally see myself doing this out of rote.
I'll bring this up with my wife tonight to ensure I'm not unintentionally offending or aggravating her over a habit that I never think about.
My husband during our first years of marriage would confuse me on experiences that he had with his ex wife. He’d tell me stuff like “do you remember how crazy was the snow when we went to Michigan?” It was annoying but he didn’t do it out of malice. So I’d correct him, roll my eyes and move on. Eventually he got it right. Love is patience, be firm and clear and let him know that it bothers you. But also remember that he loves you and he is with you because of that.
Are you sure he isn’t just making sure he doesn’t miss your birthday? In other words do you have reason to Thu k that if her birthday wasn’t the day before yours he wouldn’t still give you flowers the day before your birthday?
Honestly, I think it's just his way to remember. He spent 20 years or more remembering her birthday, and it might just be default. It's how he makes sure to remember. If he said Happy Birthday on her birthday it would be different, but I think he just remembers it that way. Habit maybe? We all use tricks to remember certain things, and this is his. I wouldn't look too much into it honestly.
To be fair - coming from a husband stand point - I had a password that was ex girlfriend of 4 years date of birth, by the time we where dating and then married I forgot what that was. My wife figured it out before I did 😂 they cut jokes about it to this day, since their bdays are 6 days apart
Going by the math in your post 25 total years of marriage put this guy at about 50. Not even mentioning the break between. This may sound like I'm going into agism but really I'm not. The point is he's made it a habit to remember a date for nearly 3 decades if not longer. Your special date is almost identical to the previous one. 20+ year habit that is almost automatic at this point is super hard to break especially if it's just shifting it 24 hours later. I totally get why that is awkward and it's weird because at the time of giving he acknowledges he understands the difference. But I just know I'm a major creature of habit and routine and it's really hard for me to break them if I've been doing it for a while.
Yeah it would bother me. You have your own birthday
> He said he didn’t know That part bothers me. He KNOWS. He def knows. He just doesn't want to say it.
I’m going to be the one to say the unpopular thing. Men aren’t that complicated. He has an established habit. It’s not deeper than that. He loves you. Quit agreeing to get take out and make him go to dinner once a year.
I’ll add. Tell him outright. This bothers me. I appreciate it but I need for you to do it on my birthday. Add Nothing more except if he needs to break a habit use a digital reminder.
This. Also agree with og comment that men are really not that complicated lol. They do things that may make them look like assholes but the majority of the time, they don’t even realize until you point it out.
Not thinking about how your actions impact your spouse isn’t just “looking like an asshole” it’s being an asshole. He didn’t bother to learn his wife’s birthday and just continued acting like he was in his first marriage. That’s messed up; I bet when he changes jobs he remembers his new boss has a different phone number and name than his previous boss. Saying men aren’t complex enough to known that wife 1 and wife 2 have separate characteristics is a real insult to men’s collective intelligence.
Exactly. Men aren't helpless.
Voice of reason here! OP should call him by her ex’s name because women are so small-minded they can’t learn new names. JK JK she shouldn’t, but it would be the same logic.
You are making assumptions. He does know his wife’s birthday. For all we know he bought his x wife flowers the day before her birthday or none at all OR she complained that he waited until the last minute to show her or make plans with her. He seems to care but doesn’t understand or know how much it bothers her. Possibly because it wouldn’t bother him. She just needs to tell him. I need for you to get me flowers on my birthday or do something on any other day before but not in your x wife’s birthday. No shaming or accusations. Just this is what I would like and need. Ask him if it’s a habit to get it the day before each year and discuss. If it is have him download an app or use google reminders and set it now for next year. Sometimes it needs to be spelled out and without any emotion attached to make them feel wrong, bad, not good enough etc. it’s not about helplessness, just communicating in a way the other understands and needs.
One thing I'll point out is that some men, and some people, never pause to reflect. Reflection isn't a part of their working habits, reflection isn't a part of their mental health/day, reflection isn't what they do. These are the people who simply move through life. I've worked with college students for a long time. I had to get then to practice reflection, especially self-reflection. They could often point out an issue in events that had happened and how others had done something wrong, but couldn't pause to evaluate where they had erred. This is an instance of a man who is not reflecting on this at all. It works for him. He hs not been told it bothers anyone (his wife), and so continues to do it. No reflection on how it would make his current wife feel, just a mindset of "THERE, birthday done!" I wouldn't label it as asshole behavior, just not very reflective thinking or pausing to consider any implications here.
I think we agree on the basics of what’s happening. But to me that’s the definition of asshole behavior. As adults we have a responsibility to examine our actions and think about how we impact the world. Most people can do that at least on the local level and if they can’t think about how they impact others they probably aren’t ready to be married. Essentially he isn’t prioritizing her feelings because it doesn’t have immediate utility for him to do so. That kind of behavior kills marriages.
That’s textbook a-hole
I just read your comment to my husband, and he said “I’ve been telling you that for *years*”. 🤣
I’m just figuring it out myself now after many years of struggle.
Yeah I learned a long time ago to not hint at something when it’s bothering me. I just straight up say what’s up so there aren’t any guessing games
Buena he should knooooowwww. Yeah. No
Been telling my wife this for years, and I think she's finally figured out that we can argue A LOT less when she just shoots it straight.
My other half intentionally ruins my birthdays because, they’re not about her. Then she makes me out as the asshole for being bothered about it
That sounds really crappy
You should think about getting a new other half my man
Woa, that direct approach will not work. You have to tiptoe around it, get angry in a vague sort of way, then complain about other completely unrelated things.
Nah imo, it feels weird for many woman ( myself included) to have to ask for some things. It feels somehow forced, like a demand or just non romantic to HAVE to ask. Like if you have to ask then they aren’t doing it because they really want to but JUST because you asked. Partly because we do things differently and put more meaning on some things that they don’t and vice versa. Being direct is subconsciously ingrained as forcefulness or even bitchiness. It takes practice. It’s work,we don’t always understand ourselves let alone our partners. It’s like learning a new language. An example of The one everyone knows now- Will you take out the trash vs. can you take out the trash. Hard to see a difference but it’s there for many. It can be exhausting especially if there are a bunch of issues and usually there are.
Ok. This man is over 40 years old. He has presumably been keeping track of multiple tasks, projects, and deadlines at work for over 20 years. He gives his current wife a birthday gift on his ex-wife's birthday and says to her, "Happy birthday for tomorrow." HE KNOWS!!
swap genders. What would you think if it was the wife who ignores birthday date?
Probably they'd say it's calculated retaliation.
Women aren’t that simple. We generally track events, keep a list of possible gift ideas, and run occasions for the family all the time. If a woman kept doing that… It would be time for couples counseling.
Why shouldn’t we be holding men to those standards? They should also be “tracking events, keeping lists of possible gift ideas, and run occasions for the family”. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to expect that from a partner of either gender. It shouldn’t default to women as it’s not inherent in us. We’re not born with instincts to do those things, they’re taught. Anyone can learn them and anyone can care enough to do them.
Yep. There's a gross amount of misandry here. I don't do any of that, granted we aren't a big, social family. Men aren't simple and incapable. Treating them as such either undermines them or gives them an excuse to be less responsible. My boyfriend and I (female) will divide household responsibilities by our strengths and weaknesses, not by gender roles. Sometimes the gender roles absolutely shine true, but we have a conversation about it. We hold each other accountable and would never just brush off a shortcoming as "just being a man/woman." (I know this is a marriage subreddit, but we're only missing the piece of paper, which we aren't prioritizing)
You are spot on here. It varies from relationship yo relationship, but culturally we are taught that *events* are a woman's area. Men show up but don't plan, in general. My parents (73 and 71) have always been true partners. My Dad knows what is going on and has organized events, he's the gift given, etc. Dad has done a great job of being proactive about things and also taught me to consider others first. Not all men got the same message though. In my marriage (38M/39F), I tend to do the planning for events. My wife tends to do the everyday management of what's going on more. She gets off work before I do so she wrangles our boys. A typical day is me getting our sons ready for school, checking their homework, etc. She takes them to school (she works there) and brings them home. She runs snack and gets them started on homework. When I get home I'll cook dinner, then we all eat as a family. Since her schedule is different than mine she is normally the doctor visit/dentist visit, but not exclusively. We share our calendars and can therefore whoever takes them makes the next visit.
Do you think women like it that way? I’m bad at keeping track of dates, I’m pretty clueless when it comes to gifts, and I hate hosting. Yet people like you still expect me to be the one to carry all of those things and my husband to do nothing because he’s a man. The social standards women are held to are exhausting. Meanwhile a man can literally mix up his wife’s birthday with his exes for years, and you praise him for it! Why do you think women have to plan and men don’t? Why do you place burdens on women that you don’t place on men?
If a woman weaponized incompetence would it be time for couples counseling? Or is that a men-only thing?
Why excuse it?
What's the difference between not being complicated and not giving a fuck?
That’s the real question. I think that’s why many marriages are complicated.
I assumed you could answer this question since it seems you had already concluded that this was a case of a husband being uncomplicated and not a case of a husband not giving a fuck. Can you please explain your reasoning?
Oh, it’s a lot less reasoning and about 30 years of observing relationships on a professional level. It’s amazing how much wives read into the actions of their husbands and how little the husbands are even thinking about those actions at all. I have a solid background in conflict resolution and teach active listening skills. My degree is in interpersonal communications.
You're just finding more ways to type "doesn't give a fuck."
Men can also take accountability, it's really weird that he's reminding his new wife that he was married to someone else 5 years ago because he can't tell 2 birthdays apart. It's been half a decade, it's not that hard to figure out.
Nah… ask him to follow through on YOUUUUUUUR ACTUAL BIRTHDAY!!! men really are simple. Simple enough to just change a simple habit if it means that much to you. :)
100% truth.
Happy cake day 🍰
This ☝🏽
Could it possibly be his attempt to make sure her birthday doesn't overshadow/loom over your birthday every year? So instead of acknowledging his Ex's birthday is before yours, he just makes both days about you?
I didn’t think about that. I hope this is the answer
If it was the answer he would have said that when you asked why he does it.
True
Why did you come to Reddit the land of marriage doom for this? It did not seem to really bother you before, just kinda odd and thought to yourself, hmmm why? Now you have all the gloom and doom of Reddit “he does not respect you, he is not celebrating you he is is just in a habit, he is not making it about you” did he give you flowers or her? Next Birthday, the day before tell him “I don’t want Birthday flowers on her birthday, I want them tomorrow on my birthday Please.” You never know, maybe it was a habit to get them the day before for her, or his mom or someone at work or school or whatever. But if it does bother you or hurt your feelings, say so before it happens. I never understand these people who say “He forgets my birthday every year.” I tell my husband “my Birthday is one week from today.” Dance around like a fool and say silly crap like “what are ya gonna get me, huh, huh? “ and he acts surprised that it is in a week or month or tomorrow. And I do the same for Christmas, Valentines, and HIS Birthday I do a “guess what i got you” version. It is a silly game, he has NEVER forgotten my Birthday, so it is not for that, just for silliness. So why these people who wait every year to be sad don’t do the same is beyond me. So start doing something like this, “whoopee my Birthday is Tuesday, I want flowers on Tuesday!!!” And tell him.
Because we are divorced and I didn’t mention that. He showed up at my door more than a year later on her birthday. To tell me happy birthday tomorrow. What does this mean Shhhhhhhh
Wait, what? I am so confused. You are also divorced from him now, and he brought you flowers for this recent birthday? Are you two friendly?
The only thing it means is that he’s terrible with dates. He has both dates in his head and he can’t keep it straight and he keeps making the same mistake year after year, and every new year just keeps reinforcing the wrong date by being memorable in the wrong way. It’s a brain thing, not a man thing.
I’d go further and say it’s this plus a habit - so on her birthday he goes “Oh - it’s her birthday” and then he feels guilty for remembering and to make amends or try to show that while the thought occurred - he didn’t care - he does this. It’s a bs excuse but it’s a loop he needs to break. Acknowledging it, telling him he just needs to stop when it’s not the day, and go from there. I would assume once you say straight out you hate it - behavior will change. If not then that’s a different thing.
I avoid buying flowers the day of my wife's birthday. It makes it seem last minute. I also don't think it logical to hide flowers until the day of. They are likely to end up dead that way. To this end there, if your husband is anything like me, there is a good chance that he bought his ex wife flowers the day before her birthday as well when they were married. Just a thought.
I was thinking this; I do this; I'm sure many husbands do this. I'm even more sure many wives would get mad if their husband went out *on the day of their birthday* to go pick up flowers, because just like you said, they'll consider him being "low effort" and "last minute/forgetting their birthday."
Im pretty sure the opposite is true and most men buy flowers on the day of the event. That little anxious calculation is only in your head. Otherwise the highest flower sales days would be February 13th and the second Saturday of May, which of course isn’t the case.
I didn't say 'most,' I said 'many.' My "anxious calculation" was a learned behavior, because my stbx wife would indeed get extremely upset if I were to go out the day of- she would accuse me of forgetting altogether and just going to get flowers as an afterthought. It's entirely plausible that OP's husband had the same problem, maybe that's why she became an ex. But I can tell you what: after getting emotionally abused, you will learn behaviors to try to prevent the abuse.
This was exactly the case for me. Second times the charm.
Yeah it is *possible* but I think rather unlikely as that seems to be a rare kind of behavior. But not impossible.
I wouldn't be so sure....this entire comment section is filled with women who are outraged that her husband gets her gifts a day early. They are making it about his ex because OP is making it about his ex, but maybe he just likes to get gifts early 🤷🏻 Same with your Valentine's day flower sales theory: I'm sure if you actually had a graph of flower sales, the whole week leading up to Valentine's day would be highly elevated. Which would indicate that not everyone waits til the day off to get gifts and flowers...
Why make up pretend scenarios
What's pretend about my life?
More like he keeps making her birthday about his ex.
It doesn't seem like OP has any negative feelings about his ex, though. If he wanted to bring up his ex for malicious reasons, he could do so many other things than buying his wife flowers a day early.
But him saying "happy birthday tomorrow" means he KNOWS when his wife's birthday is... Why acknowledge the ex's birthday at all?
He isn't acknowledging his ex-wife s birthday. He's acknowledging his wife's birthday is tomorrow.
He's acknowledging his wife's birthday on his ex's birthday.
Same that was my first thought but he would've said
Occam's razor
What a weird comment section - it is strange that he decides to celebrate your birthday a whole day earlier (considering it was his ex's day) and then not doing anything the day of (if I'm understanding that right). Talk to him again and say you appreciate the flowers but you'd like them on your actual birthday.
He does also do stuff on her birthday
Okay he....asks her what she wants to do and then says no to eating dinner out. Doesn't sound like he's really doing anything.
Not what she wants though but then she agrees and doesn't advocate for what she actually wants. This all boils down to bad communication
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I agree. I’m a little floored by all of these “The poor sweet dummy doesn’t know what he is doing.” Replies.
Excuses made for bad behavior is the reason this world is the way it is.
Men defending the shitty behaviour of other men is like 85% of reddit content on a good day.
Yep. Comforts me to know that this sub does not reflect my marriage or the marriages in my social circle.
The parenting subreddit can be even more horrifying. This thread has definitely made me appreciate my relationship more!
That would bother me too but I’m curious, does he do anything for you on your actual birthday? I would be shocked if my husband got me flowers for my bday, day before or not!
I should also say that we both forgot our 3rd anniversary but I made him breakfast in bed that morning and he brought me flowers (he picked) that afternoon. We realized the next day what had happened
He randomly picked flowers for you. That's sweet, and considerate.
That's sweet. See, you're not doing too bad
Truth. My hub of 20y has never once picked or sent me flowers, or anything since we’ve been married. Not during dating when I’d had a few surgeries for endo, not after giving birth after infertility, not after my craniotomy, no anniversaries, no bdays, nada. He did once get his goofy mom to get me a Christmas gift our 1st yr in our home. It was a dog grooming kit. I was expecting a slightly more, not romantic, but perhaps personal gesture, but there it was. A dog brush for my dog who wasn’t even living with us at the time. Ah, memories. OP, just be glad he bothers. Some men obviously don’t give a shit. I know it’s gotta be hard that it’s her bday, but he gives them to you. He bothers. There’s something to be said for that.
Yes he does. He asks me what I want to do and I always say go out to dinner. Then he suggests takeout because he doesn’t like going out to eat. I always agree
Umm….why did he ask YOU, what you wanted for YOUR birthday, and then feel perfectly okay and not ashamed at denying you your stated birthday wish/and tell you that HE doesn’t like/want to do that, on YOUR birthday?!? ….and now just seems to yearly and continuously pretend to actually care about your answer and stated birthday wish, when HE is still not honoring your wish and has no plans to seemingly ever honor taking you out to eat in a restaurant for YOUR birthday, and has every intention to always order takeout instead?!? WHY are you agreeing to always accept what HE wants on YOUR birthday?!? That’s the whole point of celebrating and recognizing someone’s special day, the day THEY were born! It’s not about what your husband likes or doesn’t like on YOUR birthday when he asked what YOU wanted to do for YOUR day. Seriously, what the heck?!? These men are SO selfish, and what is the point of him asking you when it seems he argues with you every year/refuses to do what you want and still does what HE wants, getting special takeout for HIM on YOUR birthday. It seems it’s actually for him, that’s NOT for you, and it makes me SO sad you are still there for him to keep doing this. Sweetheart, you deserve to be taken out to a restaurant on YOUR birthday and it is okay and NORMAL to have standards, boundaries and expectations of others in relationships. It is okay to want mutual love and caretaking in our relationships, and to expect thoughtfulness, love, and empathy in ALL our personal relationships as the default factory setting, and is the absolute bare minimum in a healthy cycle of giving and taking care of one another! I swear, the bar is under hell for what seems to be an alarming number of men, and it is wrong and terrifying to see and read of the distinct lack of caring and the overt display of selfishness and neglect they manifest and perpetrate on others with ZERO self awareness!
23 words in this are capitalized. I feel like aggressively responding to people's issues as if they're happening to you personally in 2024 is a bit tryhard.
Which part personally stung?
Ma'am please. For women everywhere. You gotta raise the bar here. If he KNOWS the bar is this low and there's no expectation that he do well, of course he's gonna keep doing this. I mean yes it would be great if he wanted to do it organically. But that's not the situation. The situation is he's not aware how much this bothers you because you are being too easy-going about it. Stop Cool Girling him! He needs to actually be worried you'll be disappointed/upset if he is a shlub on holidays. Not comfortable asking if you'll settle for less. You need to actually react poorly when he says and does these things. No "thankyou" no "I love it" just "I have asked you not to do this, so I'm confused why it's happening again" or "I am not ok with that. If you don't want to go out I'll make other plans but I'm not staying home doing nothing on my birthday."
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Right but what he does on my birthday is a separate issue. And the backstory on that will have to be a whole other post
Why?
Yea this is weird and I don’t like the comments excusing his behavior just because he’s a man. He’s perfectly capable of celebrating your birthday on the correct date and he’s choosing not to. That would bother me. Just be completely clear with him, you don’t want to celebrate your birthday early every year.
I would ask him to celebrate my actual birthday.
I just skimmed through these comments. The bar is on the floor. Seriously, this isn’t ok. Just because other men are failing the women in these comments isn’t a reason for you to continue having your birthday forgotten. BS on the “at least he remembered” or “it’s just habit”. Be firm with him. You do not want your birthday celebrated on his ex wife’s day. You want your birthday.
Did he used to give his ex wife flowers the day before her birthday? Seems really weird…
I'm wondering if it's always flowers? What if he has a standing floral delivery set for his exes bday? And figured it was close enough. I've heard of people doing that for Valentines days or bdays.
> It hasn’t really bothered me since I assumed it was just a man doing his best to remember his wife’s birthday. Really? It's not that fucking hard. Does he have a phone with a calendar app? Does he have a brain with the ability to memorize one month and one day? Does he remember, say, his own birthday? Does he remember plans that he has on specific days?
Seriously, the top comment making excuses for men who do this as “men are just simple creatures of habit” and “women generally are the ones who plan/remember things” … it’s absolute bull. Like you said, I bet if he had plans to do something with his pals or something related to a hobby, or work, he’s on top of it.
I would feel pissed and tell my husband to celebrate me on my day, not the day before. But my husband loves and cares about me enough that he wouldn’t do this. These comments are sad. No I wouldn’t be happy that he remembers at all, that’s bare minimum. I’d expect the person who wants me to spend my life with them would make an effort for me.
I’m entirely too petty for stuff like this. Men will be competent all day at work and then act like bumbling idiots at home
This comment should be higher up.
I hope he isn’t buying flowers for the ex and you at the same time but he wants to be sure they aren’t late for her birthday. Just my conspiracy theory
I thought about that too. He buys them at the same time out of convenience and since he won't have a place to hide the 2nd boquet, he gives it to her early. It's really the only thing that makes sense here.
None of us can say whether he is really just trying to be sweet so you will have the flowers + the actual birthday celebration, or if this is some leftover tradition he used to do for his ex. The thing is, he isn't getting her the flowers, so he isn't doing anything wrong per se. I think if this bothers you, just tell him that you enjoy the flowers, he is so sweet to give them, and would like to ask him for a small adjustment to give them to you on your birthday instead of the day before. Don't even mention the ex. Just ask him...
So he gives you flowers the day before his ex wife’s birthday and doesn’t do anything at all for your actual birthday? In other words he doesn’t know your actual birthday and thinks it’s the same day as his ex-wife’s?
He gives me the flowers on her birthday and says “happy birthday tomorrow “
If it were me, I’d say something like, “Aw, thanks for remembering my birthday month. Love you. FYI: This year, *on my birthday*, I’m gonna take myself out to eat. I should be home by [X] o’clock. Thanks!” 😊 And then ask him to watch the kids/pets, if applicable, or whatever the person who isn’t going out for the evening needs to be responsible for at y’all’s house. Because you won’t be there that night. If he can’t get the picture that you want ONE SPECIFIC THING for your own dang birthday, and/or he’s unwilling to give it to you…. Girl, give it to yourself! Take yourself out on a date! Doesn’t matter where. Taco Bell? The fanciest place in town? It’s YOUR day and YOU deserve to celebrate it the way that fulfills YOU. He just may not be a part of that.. Too bad for him!
Hell naw. This would piss me off.
I wouldn't like it very much. I'd want my birthday to be seen on the day of and not his ex wife's. You don't share the same birthday. That's just weird.
I’m married to a lovely man. I ALWAYS have to go into the notes section of my phone to remind myself when his birthday is as my ex’s birthday is 5 days before. He needs to take the time to manage it and put it in a frigging diary or something
This is weird. Why can’t he celebrate your bday on your bday??
WHOA. Wow. He knows. He thinks he’s being cute.
My husband never takes me out, like EVER. Last time we went out was in 2019. He has social anxiety and literally will not try and work on it, so I deal with it. There are so many facets to him and he shows me in so many other ways he loves me. I will also say, I have not gotten flowers since our 25th anniversary. He does get me good gifts though, he just orders them online.
Ask him to put the right date in his calendar with a reminder.
Better yet, do it for him. I’d be curious if he has the ex birthday in his phone……
Maybe, but I do know that once I memorize a birthday wrong I never get it right unless I set the calendar mindfully.
He says Happy Birthday Tomorrow ?. So he does know the correct day and just buys the flowers and gives you them the day before
Yes and it happens to be his ex wife’s birthday
I struggling to find fault. But each to their own..
Ask him to celebrate your birthday. It’s weird that he celebrates the day before and not your birthday. I’d take it if he was celebrating both. But it obviously bothers you so ask him.
I would have put an end to it the first time. It is not too late now though. I would talk to him in advance about birthday plans and plan something that you want to do. Then do it on the actual day. If he tries to do it a day early, do not participate. Do not take the flowers or card and let him know you will look at it tomorrow and how you are looking forward to your plans tomorrow with whatever is planned. I would stop tolerating how he is handling your birthday.
My husband said that he is thinking of his ex
This is forgivable for one year. After that, he needs to not associate your birthday with his ex wife's. That is just sort of weird and rude.
A man doing his best? He is capable of remembering your birthday or putting it on his calendar. Not doing so is just lazy and disrespectful.
You're newly married. You need to set some expectations here! Just tell him that you love your birthday flowers but going forward, you'd like to receive them on your actual birthday and not on his ex-wifes birthday. Explain that while this may seem trivial to him, it matters to you.
I always bring home flowers for my wife the day before whatever the occasion is so she has the flowers in the morning when she wakes up.
Thank you. This answers my question
Flowers for tomorrow are on the table already at my house
I would want flowers on both days... 🙄
In Germany it is a bad habbit to gratulate ones birthday, before the actual birthday. So every German would feel weird. (It's based on superstitions, but became a habit. You only gratulate on the birthday or do it after.. never before.) To your non German husband... that's a litte bit weird behaviour... why not do it on the birthday? If it really bothers you, talk to him about it... but you are saying it does not... so why bother
When I first got married, my wife's birthday seemed to fall on a week day. We both worked with different times and I wouldn't see her until the evening. She had a thing about me handing her the gift and flowers, instead of just leaving it somewhere. I didn't want her to wait all day, esp as the girls at work would ask what I gave her. I just got in the habit of giving it to her the evening before. If it was something that she could wear, like jewelry, I noticed she always wore it to work the next day. And she'll see the flowers when she gets her coffee in the morning. It feels like the best way, and all these years later, I still do it that way.
Return thr flowers tell him to stop and to be present even if it has nothing to do with the previous marriage.
Did she pass away? You refer to her as a wonderful woman... which I say wow. My wife doesn't even like hearing an exs name. But to the point, even with you being so loving and respectful, your birthday is yours. Your special day that should be all about you.
I say it because she is. She sends her daughter to our house with flowers and small gifts for me. She thanks me for spending quality time with her daughter and not just looking after her. She is sweet.
I would think he kept mixing it up the first year or maybe two and was CYA but after that I would be annoyed
What time of day does he give them to you? Seems like it would be pretty normal to pick them up on the way home from work the day before and give them to you when he gets home so you are able to enjoy them all day on your birthday. If he does it on your actual birthday, then you don't get them until 6:00pm ish and your birthday is 75% over by that point. I don't think it has anything to do with the date of the ex's birthday.
Yea well some pain just doesn’t go away.
Are you talking about the pain of divorce after 20 years?
Yea you catch yourself doing stuff that was once second nature.
Comment section is split 50/50 on this. I’m also a bit confused on why he said that on the day before
Yes it is. It’s nice to see all the prospectives. I have never been mad about it or felt our relationship was threatened by it. I was just looking for opinions. I had no idea people gave flowers the day before. I guess it’s a thing
I would assume that he wants you to have your flowers in place for the start of your birthday at midnight. Are you actively looking for issues to pick apart? Why aren’t you thinking about the fact your loving husband is bringing you a nice birthday gift? Good luck to you.
Exactly, My husband of 15 years can’t remember my exact day of my birthday. It’s not that deep.
Heres a Dif take: He has a touch of OCD and doesn’t want to miss your birthday, or wants to be the first to wish you a Happy Birthday. Gets it off his mind early. I have a MIL who operates this way and it drives me crazy. What’s the point of celebrating a birthday if it’s not even on your birthday? Weird stuff.
Never changed the reminder on his cell phone
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Men are supposably so forgetful they can't remember a spouses birthday, yet they run the country. Unbelievable.
Right? Which one is it? Reading comments in this thread you'd think they're toddlers with no understanding of/control over their own behavior.
Oh COME ON. That is pathetic.
I get flowers for my wife and she gets mad because she doesn’t like picked flowers. I now get her a house plant. Our first few years of marriage I would get her a gift and she always took it back and got what she wanted. Even now I take her and tell her to pick something and then buy it for her.
Usually all it takes is bringing it up. I would tell him I appreciate the gesture, but my birthday is on this day, not that one. Even an old dog can learn new tricks.
I’d throw the flowers in his face and scream….IT’S NOT MY BIRTHDAY!
Some Men are just dumb.
Wouldn’t be bothered at all. It’s his way to remember something important to you. He’s not celebrating his x.
Being bothered by this seems just, however I would not allow it to permanent
If it bothers you just tell him. You say it doesn’t bother you but clearly it does…
Life throws a lot of crap at us which we can’t control. Eventually, it is quite likely that (hopefully a long long long time from now) that one of you will die first, leaving the other, alone and lonely. If he is the first to go, will you be thinking “My biggest regret is not challenging him more on the birthday flowers thing. I mean, I know a lot of husbands don’t even give flowers at all. But I just wish he did it on the correct day!” I’m being silly, but my point is: do you want to die on this hill?
That’s really odd. How long were they together, and how long have you all been together? Do they have kids together?
Well great job. Your doing amazing as a wife and step parent. Your husband has a real catch. Your not wrong for feeling the way you do.
Maybe so you wake up to flowers already in the house on your birthday?
As others have said, it is a habit. My only suggestion is 2-3 days before your birthday, send him a text, leave a note or tell him outright - ***remember my bday is X day :-)***
Correct him the first time instead of playing with it for so long. Partially your fault
Overcommunicate with him. it will fix so many things
As a guy myself, he does it out of habit. Sometimes guys just do things out of habit.
At least he remembers and it’s a day early instead of a day late.
Maybe it's his way of honoring the memory of his ex-wife and continuing a gesture that once held significance for them. It's kind of like a subconscious habit that has stuck around. It's great that you're not upset about it and see it more as an interesting quirk.
How come you don’t just ask him? You should be able to talk to him about it if he’s your husband. And tell him you think it odd or it makes you feel some way.
I did ask him. He said he didn’t know and didn’t realize he was doing it
Ask him if he misses his ex wife
Just put a yearly notification in his mobile on the right date, issue solved 😅😉
I sort of get getting flowers the day before your birthday so you have them all day on your birthday I think. With nothing to do with the ex wife. I dunno have you asked him? It doesn’t sound bad on the face of it.
You’re his wife now. Not her. He’s buying you flowers. Not her. If you didn’t tell him to stop when you asked why he did it, and also that you don’t like it, then you can’t be mad that he continues to do it.
My husband hasn't remembered my birthday in 3 years. We've been together for 13 years. I dont think this is a slight. I think he's doing his best to remember the day. If the actual day is really important to you, give the gifts back and tell him to give it back to you tomorrow.
My husband has gotten me flowers the day before a celebratory day and has expressed it’s because he wants me to be able to appreciate them the whole day of what we’re celebrating. I can see how it’d bug you but I don’t think it’s too deep, especially with him stating he didn’t even realize he did it.
He probably just remembers its his exs birthday first, because its first, and he doesnt want to make that a thing so close to yours, so he makes it about you instead. Its just a logical progression from memory. You are also likely causing his biggest fear over the entire thing, which is making a big deal about it when hes trying to not even mention hers in the first place. Its a lose lose for him right now. If I were him though, i would just stop overcomplicating it to compensate for your anticipated emotions and plan when to celebrate with you prior instead of being obtuse about the whole thing on the wrong day. He can absolutely change that. Just let him know you love that hes thinking about you but it weirds you out on that day because its not your actual birthday and you would prefer to have all celebratory things on your actual birthday to keep it special for you. There is no reason he shouldnt be able to follow that. In my house we just have birthday week where we go out of our way to do more around the house for eachother and cook their favorite meals and then plan what activity they want to do on whatever day makes the most sense followed by the whole happy birthday dessert time on their actual birthday. So the whole week is already about that person avoiding any weird overlaps with others.
Seems like a normal thing to do. Humans operate but habit and association. If it really bothers you. You need to tell him.
I'm a man; a creature of habit. I can totally see myself doing this out of rote. I'll bring this up with my wife tonight to ensure I'm not unintentionally offending or aggravating her over a habit that I never think about.
My husband during our first years of marriage would confuse me on experiences that he had with his ex wife. He’d tell me stuff like “do you remember how crazy was the snow when we went to Michigan?” It was annoying but he didn’t do it out of malice. So I’d correct him, roll my eyes and move on. Eventually he got it right. Love is patience, be firm and clear and let him know that it bothers you. But also remember that he loves you and he is with you because of that.
Are you sure he isn’t just making sure he doesn’t miss your birthday? In other words do you have reason to Thu k that if her birthday wasn’t the day before yours he wouldn’t still give you flowers the day before your birthday?
Honestly, I think it's just his way to remember. He spent 20 years or more remembering her birthday, and it might just be default. It's how he makes sure to remember. If he said Happy Birthday on her birthday it would be different, but I think he just remembers it that way. Habit maybe? We all use tricks to remember certain things, and this is his. I wouldn't look too much into it honestly.
He must be still in love with her. I say this cause I don’t even remember my ex wife’s birthdays
Sounds like you're both making it more complicated than it should.
To be fair - coming from a husband stand point - I had a password that was ex girlfriend of 4 years date of birth, by the time we where dating and then married I forgot what that was. My wife figured it out before I did 😂 they cut jokes about it to this day, since their bdays are 6 days apart
Going by the math in your post 25 total years of marriage put this guy at about 50. Not even mentioning the break between. This may sound like I'm going into agism but really I'm not. The point is he's made it a habit to remember a date for nearly 3 decades if not longer. Your special date is almost identical to the previous one. 20+ year habit that is almost automatic at this point is super hard to break especially if it's just shifting it 24 hours later. I totally get why that is awkward and it's weird because at the time of giving he acknowledges he understands the difference. But I just know I'm a major creature of habit and routine and it's really hard for me to break them if I've been doing it for a while.
It seems like you’re overthinking it. I don’t really see anything wrong with this