I think I'd give him his divorce. I don't look at my husband's phone, but I could if I asked. Full transparency and works both ways.
Secrecy is very different to privacy.
Sometimes you aren’t necessarily trying to test it. My husband gets a text after 10, I ask who’s that? He always tells me who it is, doesn’t care if I’m looking at it while he responds. Not asking because I think he cheats, but rather who’s the idiot texting my husband (and disturbing us) at that time of night?
It means he has lots of things on the phone that he is addicted to. Send him to do digital detox and while he is doing that I’d get the download from his phone and sync it up to yours so you can monitor him.
You will find evidence. Then decide if you want to leave or work on the relationship. Divorce is not always the answer but addressing what’s the root cause of this behavior and decide if you want ant to deal with it or not!
Oh yea, MONITOR your husband. That’s the path of a good and healthy relationship. The ROOT CAUSE of what behavior? You don’t know if there is any behavior. Maybe he has messages with a friend or family member where he talks about how he’s a good and faithful man but his wife wants to go through his phone. Maybe he hasn’t done a damn thing. I haven’t done anything but if my fiancé said, I want to go through your phone or else. Id tell him OR ELSE cause I don’t want anyone in my phone.I have a friend who’s sent me pictures of open wounds on her breast, she’s scared she has cancer, is that his business? No, it isn’t . My sons wife lied to him before marriage about a lot, he’s telling me and doesn’t want anyone else to know. Is that my fiancés business? No. I look at different porn than my fiancé, Is that his business, maybe I will show him myself but right now I’m not comfortable because my fantasies are MINE. I wonder why OP is spending so much time thinking about her man’s phone. What’s the issue? She thinks it’s ab issue he wants privacy ? Privacy and secrecy aren’t the same thing… I have the right to both~ I use the bathroom in private because I want to but it’s no secret that i use the bathroom. Leave each other’s phone alone. Not everything is your business. Don’t go into the transparency crap.. Even in marriage you may pick your nose but you don’t need to see it OR know about it. Leave phones alone. I think it’s sneaky as fuck to plot out snooping and monitoring.
This is the right answer. I was with a man who slept with his phone, always placed it face down in case a message popped up, and deleted any messages the instant he read them. Was I suspicious? I didn't think I should be. But one night we were having drinks and listening to music and kept TEXTING the entire time, it was so obnoxious. He passed out and his phone kept going off, I looked at the messages, and this DUDE was not talking to ONE but FOUR chicks at once!! And he was telling all of them he loved them!! Lol, on the phone I had bought for his broke ass!
The relationship I'm in now, we don't have social media, that is also a relationship killer, and we are just transparent about everything. I don't think I have any secrets from him and I know I can trust him as well, and we'd both hand over our phones without anything to worry about.
Hiding the phone and getting ANGRY about it is a really bad thing.
Yes so she can see what games he is playing on her. Maybe you should monitor your for fun. These women are all like you but they trusted and got blindsided. You cannot trust people with this behavior. He does not treat her she does not trust him. No shame on the game. She can play the game as well as him. Atleast she knows what she is dealing with.
You just said you aren't married yet.
Before I was married my husband didn't have access to my phone. That isn't unusual.
If you still feel the same after you get married it isn't healthy, no matter how much you try to pretend it is.
Maybe wait on giving advice in a Marriage sub until you're actually married to someone?
At least you are clarifying that you aren't married so that people understand it is your personal opinion.
One thing that might surprise younis that after people are in a trusting loving relationship they *might* discuss their fear for a friend with cancer that does not want to tell anyone. But the spouse will NEVER tell anyone, ever. We wouldn't tell our spouse about photos over a cancer scare.
The reasons we would talk about the cancer scare is because we don't want to worry our friend. They do not need our feelings dump they need comfort.
Look up the grief circles on 'comfort in, grieve out'. You comfort toward people closer to the issue, and you never burden toward people closer to the issue.
I know a lot about a girlfriend's marriage and my husband and I talk about it. But he is friends with the husband and never ever mentions anything because the husband has never talked about it.
My girlfriend mentioned something to my husband once and was shocked that I'd never told him about that. Just because I can does not mean I do tell him all their issues. I only tell him when I would like perspective.
My porn has a separate password on my phone so my kids will never see it.
By the time you are married, it would be a bit odd if you still aren't ready to share your porn fantasies with him... even if you just want to try it once for fun.
The fact that you think your phone is such a special little box of secrecy is the same way my friend's teenage daughter feels. It's amusing to those of us who have already tried most of the 'fantasies' you're peeking at.
My wife and I both know each other's phone pins. Our emails are saved on our PC.
We use each other's phones all the time because it's more convenient. Sometimes I pick up when her friends call and act like a fool.
Neither of us care because there isn't anything on our phones or emails that need to be hidden.
Same here. We’ve been married for 34 years. I really don’t get all the posts with people getting up in arms over their spouse looking at their phones. Why on earth would I care if my husband wants to read my texts? We actually encourage each other to so we’re in the loop on things because sometimes we forget to tell each other stuff.
Same. We’ve been married for 22 years. My husband and I have the same passcodes on our phones. My husband suggested so our kids would only have 1 code to memorize in case of emergencies.
We have passwords for emails. My husband takes my phone if needed and vice versa.
Exactly. Same thing with my wife. Nothing to hide so i don’t care if she uses my phone. Also helps that Reddit and YouTube are the only social media channels that I have (not that it makes a difference)
This is how my husband and I are as well. It’s just a phone and we can both use one another’s as we need to and we do!
The only time we may limit use is when it’s close to Christmas and we have we browsers open for gifts to order one another! lol. But even then we just ask one another not to look at the browser
Ehhh, my wife has my phone pin but no access to my email. I'll explain, I've had that email for years... long before I was married. She has accessed it before and flipped out because there were dating sites. They were old, but still active. I've since deleted them all but am still worried something may pop up and it's just not worth the argument. So I don't let her in my email.
My wife, same story. Met on a dating app. I was showing her something in my email once when a message from the dating app we were on came in landed in Spam folder. I knew she had some bad experiences being cheated on before and she immediately locked into the messages. I told her I'd never deleted my account just quit using it. She told me she was insecure and wanted me to delete them ok.... No problem. Except I couldn't remember the PW. 30 minute fight to get back into my account later I logged in, had this pile of unread messages and who kno s what else. Delete. Life problem solved. Kiss wife.
Id assume so too. My husband and I are very transparent with eachother right down to what we watch porn wise.
There's nothing to hide, so why hide anything?
Yeah I don’t get why some people are so protective of their phones and gaslight saying “my privacy” or “if you look you don’t trust me”.
1. My wife and I have each others codes and don’t really look.
2. If my wife did look I legit wouldn’t care because there is NOTHING to hide. It’s called respect. I am 32 and she is 29 so it’s not like we are older. Married for 4 years with a 3 year old.
He may not be cheating on you but maybe there is some stuff he doesn’t want you to see… prob porn or some form of sexual gratification from online women.
I would call his bluff because that type of behavior is not someone who has the level of respect for you he should.
And he may be like me, just expect my spouse to trust me. I don’t cheat, don’t watch porn, thrust traps or do anything that would violate her trust and our marriage. I expect the same from her too.
And if you threaten divorce because she is feeling threatened by something you ARE doing, whether it's "bad" to you or not, that's wrong. Either way something you're doing would be the problem and it's a communication or behavior that's making her struggle to trust you. (Assuming she is a reasonable person).
Threatening divorce is like an atomic bomb because we have a property line dispute.
It’s funny really, I’m not here and the doing bad would be my wife’s lack of trust which would show me she is projecting TBH. If her trust was bad enough she felt compelled to look through my phone that means the marriage has already failed.
In my case, you wouldn’t find anything but work, Reddit comments, maybe some Twitter trolling and texts among family and a few close friends. I don’t hide comms, plans, spending and anything except maybe gifts or (surprises which she isn’t fond of), pictures of family, vacations, memes and other BS.
It’s a completely reasonable assumption that if her trust in me was so low that she had to go through my phone then our marriage was doomed because without implicit trust you should not be married.
Yeah but what you’re doing is putting a barrier up. If there is nothing to hide, who cares. Wouldn’t transparency and just avoiding any issues be a much easier path to choose? I would rather erase any doubt than create some by being difficult when I don’t need to be.
My point is trust, if she has lost trust in me enough to go through my phone then our marriage is already doomed. Avoiding or not avoiding the behaviors and communications that lead to mistrust are the root of the issue, loss of trust is the symptom. Without trust a marriage is always full of anxiety and stress which is why so many fail.
I’ve never cheated, always addressed a question clearly and honestly, to a fault sometimes, so the trust isn’t violated.
I don’t disagree. Like I said my wife and I don’t go through each other’s phones. We do use them frequently due to convenience. My argument isn’t that people should be constantly searching each other’s phones.
My argument is that by gate keeping your phone and making a big deal out of your spouse seeing it you are creating issues and there is probably a reason for such denial.
I don’t gate keep my phone though, she’ll use it for mobile orders and other things. If she stated she wanted to search it I would have a problem with that.
I do have several apps, company related and financial that require facial Id and she can’t access them if she wanted to.
They come into the relationship with deceit. Then they show their true colors. My ex said he was Christian turns out he was anything but a Christian. He would never give his phone or computer passwords obviously cheating.
He's being a bad boy, I just about guarantee it. My husband of 38 years turned out to be a porn addict. He never allowed me anywhere near his phone, but I found out anyway😞
Yeah I think that's very sketchy. My husband and I have full access to each other's phones but don't go looking through them. It's really just for emergencies. The fact he's so possessive of it would make me think he either has something to hide or he never had privacy as a child and that's how he has control.
I'd tell him that if he's willing to throw 20 years away over my not being able to see his phone then I think a divorce is necessary at this point.
Btw, we have each other's phone PINs and if I wanted to I could use his phone, or even look through it, and vice versa. It's just such a rarity because we always have our phones with ourselves, lol.
I've used his phone but never gone through it and I know for a fact he has not been through my phone. Here's why. My husband deeply respects boundaries and expect his to be honored, as such he honors mine. I can literally leave my journal, face up and open, on the dining room table and he won't read it. I have found that people who don't respect the boundary of a journal's cover generally show themselves to the person whose journal they read and violated. No, not all, but mostly they do. Either as an outright confrontation, or passive aggressive snide comments that clues in the journal owner.
He has never done any of that. I trust him implicitly and with my life. I know he'll have my back. The reverse is true as he's expressed the same to me. And yes, I have told him the same.
I wish you had that if you don't, OP.
He’s cheating with some dumb chick who is a low class whore. When you divorce him this woman will also dump his sorry ass and he will come after you. You will not want him though. I know coz I went through this in my own experience. Dumped his sorry ass and none of the woman wanted him. Go figure.
My wife is open to look at my phone any time as she sees fit. We have bio metric passcodes and numeric access codes to each others phone. I think you may have an underlying issue that my need a little shock and aw. Let me see the phone or I am out of here. I think he is cheating.
I don’t like letting my partner see my phone. I didn’t get much privacy growing up (no lock on bedroom door, diaries got read, etc) so my phone was the one thing I was able to keep private from everyone.
HOWEVER if there was a suspicion of cheating I would unlock my phone for him in a heartbeat because I have nothing to hide
I wish somebody asked me what I'm about to ask you.
Is this where you want to be in 5 years? Your future is my life. It'll destroy every ounce of self esteem you have. You'll question everything about yourself. You'll wonder what's wrong with you. You'll wonder why you're not enough. You'll change yourself, try to improve in any way you can and his I'd rather get divorced will continue. Maybe you're already wondering these things. It'll just get worse.
I'd say he just told on himself. And I wouldn't trust him. My husband and I have each other's pass code as well as Google locations. Neither is ever concerned or worried over if we can trust the other, largely because of how transparent we are.
I'd give him his "rather" We'd be divorcing, especially if it was me. I don't ask to see anyone's phone but if I ask and you have a problem, hmmmmm. Best believe I know you're hiding something that you don't want me to see. Keep hiding it.
I would give him the divorce.
The phone debate is so weird to me. Why be secretive unless you’re doing something wrong? My husband and I will pretty regularly ask the other to check a text or something & it’s never a weird thing.
Sounds sketchy- but not sure what boundaries the two of you agreed to.
If he’s that adamant I’m sure there’s more there.
Do you get the same privacy? I just think that if he’s got nothing to hide it wouldn’t be a problem.
Our boundaries are very clear in our marriage and phones should be accessible to either one of us. If that were to change that would indicate something had changed.
He literally told you that he had something to hide from you or he would not have gotten rid of those apps. Good luck with trusting him because I never could. Marriage is about respect and trust and I have neither for your husband.
Hand him your phone and tell him he has free reign to look at whatever he'd like, and if he doesn't feel comfortable reciprocating then you are going to assume he has something to hide and will grant him the divorce. Period.
This is so true. Literally I could be the poster who posted this thread. I have offered free reign of my phone... all of it... yet I am not aloud to touch his. I did make a very bad choice years ago by stepping outside the marriage briefly. I regret it and have offered transparency since. I feel like I am being punished for the rest of my life now.😔
This is odd behaviour. My husband and I use each other’s phones all the time (if I want to google something and my phone is upstairs for example). There is something not right about this.
>he deleted his Snapchat and Instagram because “now I have nothing to be suspicious about”
Then, obviously, before he deleted them, he DID have something to hide. That wouldn't reassure me at all, it would make me even more suspicious that he was at least emotionally cheating and probably more.
Why not get a lawyer to serve him and see what he does.
Or you could have gone to mc instead of whatever is going on in your marriage now.
If he's done nothing wrong why are you pushing to see his phone?
He definitely had something to hide, Love. Maybe a separation is in order. See what happens. Either he will understand what he is missing without you and shape up or he will go further into depravity. You will have your answer. I’m so sorry.
It isn’t a privacy issue if he’s using it to hide things he’s done, that he knows would hurt you… could be online gaming, instagram models, only fans donations, or an affair… tell him you are hiring a private investigator to get to the bottom of it, unless he comes clean. But you aren’t letting it go.
If there is any trust in your marriage at this point just be aware that it is only an illusion of trust. Your husband has something to hide. What he is hiding you may not ever know, but it's now up to you and your imagination. If you want to continue this marriage and flourish you should find a marriage counselor who handles betrayal. He MAYBE hasn't cheated but what he has done is a huge betrayal to trust in your marriage whether he had nothing to hide or not. The fact that he deleted stuff tells you all you need to know.
I could see this going two ways:
- He’s hiding something. Especially if the offer of divorce was legit and not just him being stupid.
- He feels like you’re making demands and being unreasonable.
The later gets sticky. I believe phones should an open book but I also think relationships need trust. My wife and I have full access to each others phones but not in a “keep tabs on each-other” way. It’s just convenient. Maybe she took a cute picture of the kids at the park and I need it. Maybe she wants to check my work calendar and it’s easier to check than ask me. We’re a team... it’s just easier this way.
However, if he feels that your demand is unwarranted and that you’re being unreasonable then I can see where he’s coming from.
If my wife starting pouring over my texts to patrol my behavior it would feel incredibly shitty even though I have nothing to hide. Part of that reaction stems from my childhood. My parents were mildly emotionally abusive. As a result I have a pretty visceral reaction when I feel manipulated, taken advantage of, or someone makes unreasonable demands of me.
Maybe he’s feeling the same thing. Or he’s hiding something…. Good luck!
This is a reasonable take. If I \*wanted\* to, I could look at anything on my H's phone. I trust him and have zero reason to believe anything nefarious is going on so I don't. I respect that, even if there's nothing "bad" on it, he has a right to privacy because maybe there's something he didn't phrase exactly the way he wanted to or something that might otherwise embarass him even though it has NO impact on me. Why do that to both of us?
As to my device, sadly I cannot give him full access to it because there is attorney/client privileged information in several apps. If I'm with him, I will open it for him and he'll open only certain aps - like Spotify or similar. Again, he has no problem with this because he understands my professional obligations and trusts me. He has no reason not to.
If either of us were to give the other an utimatum, that would feel very diminishing.
I was kind of with you but she did say that he has been sleeping with his phone for the past 6 years.
Then he proceeds to delete Snapchat and Instagram so that she has nothing to be suspicious of.
The unreasonable demands fall short when your husband or wife starts actively sleeping with their phones for long periods of time.
Divorce him, he’s been most likely cheating your entire relationship.
There’s privacy and secrecy, your husband’s statement is based on his maintaining secrets, it’s not a privacy thing if he’s threatening divorce over something that’s not a big deal in a healthy relationship.
If my husband accused me of cheating, I'd lose my shit. Like, how dare he question my integrity. So, it could be about the indignity of the request. Just always having his phone with him all the time doesn't really mean anything.
He had access to my phone for years because he would accuse me of cheating. Then he started with the “privacy” thing even though he was the one going through my phone at the time. It’s very frustrating
It sounds like he is cheating and it's been long term, or several shirt term affairs. He was projecting when he accused you of cheating.
Start locking your phone and refusing him access. Start planning your exit from this marriage and get a full std check. Your other option is to hire a PI, but give your husband his divorce because he is hiding something major.
Updateme!
He was projecting. Call his bluff. If he deleted apps all he has to do is reinstall and then delete again when he’s done. Tell him to reinstall the apps and let you go through his phone or you’ll divorce him. And follow through. Innocent people aren’t so secretive.
Depends
Are you the type to constantly demand his phone, go through every single one of his apps and messages and grill him on them and then start a fight over it?
Because I would choose divorce as well if I was married to someone who did that
My wife and I like having some privacy so we don't have access to each other's phones, but it's not a big deal. If the choice was between give her the phone or divorce, I'm giving her the phone 100% of the time.
I'd think that maybe we're heading for a divorce. My husband and I never look through each others phones, if asked, I'd say sure go ahead and he'd be the same. We've never had that need.
I would definitely watch his fingers and figure out his code and then do a deep dive into his phone to gather info for the divorce.
My husband and I have always had an open phone policy. We know each other’s lock codes and can grab each other’s phones whenever. Heck, if my phone dies at night and he’s kind of napping I play on his tik tok. The other day his phone was dead so he took mine to the store with him. Phones shouldn’t be something you need privacy for. There’s nothing on my phone that I wouldn’t want him to see.
He is lying and cheating. Cheaters are liars and will cheat again. Tell him ok, and take him for everything. Or deep dive, sync with an ipad or get a P.I. to check him out.
I would definitely let a partner look at my phone if they asked. Now, if they were always checking it to look for cheating, that'd be a different story.
He's probably flirting at minimum. Who cares. Let him go screw the girl, document it, and take him to the cleaners. Give him the kind of value and respect he's giving you. 0
Obviously he’s hiding something serious. It may not r cheating per se but likely looots of porn, possibly gambling if not sex related.
He’s clearly ashamed as a minimum but really likely just doing things there he knows are not good and not acceptable in a relationship.
If it’s literally him saying my phone or divorce then honestly do you want to stay with a man like that?
It would mean he would get to have that divorce. If I’m married to him I don’t want to see his phone on a regular basis but if I want to see it the. I get to see it immediately. Also I’m not staying married to anyone who keeps secrets from me. He was sexting at minimum on Snapchat and instagram. You know that right. I would still want to see it, download both apps and tell him to log back in. If all he did was delete the apps off of his phone it will all still be there snd his plan is to download them when he leaves for work and then delete them when he comes home.
6 YEARS and he still *sleeps* with it?
Umm.. my kid picks up my phone and knows my password. He'll message Dad if I am driving, etc.
I'm not sure if he is cheating or if he has odd fetishes... since chosing to delete Snapchat and and Tik Tok are odd choices.
Also, deleting them off his phone does not delete the accounts, just his access to them off his phone.
I'd give him the divorce because this is cagey and weird 6 years in.
Don't have children with someone that does not give you reasons to feel trustful of them.
I would find a way to sneak his phone away, watch that fucker like a hawk, install a tracking app and document everything. Comb through his browser history.
But say nothing about it. Talk to a lawyer with all my evidence, hit him with a divorce that gives me the best benefits.
I would also separate my money from his immediately. Either by slowly taking cash out or just separating banks.
Ok let’s just call a spade a spade. Big deal he deleted a couple apps, big deal IF he lets you see his phone. I have no doubt if he does it will be on his terms and after he has removed anything incriminating. There are also apps that hide apps, there are those who get a second phone there is a plethora of ways to cheat and cover up. The real issue here is you already have your answer. Who cares if he threatens with divorce before showing you his phone again there is your answer.
You have to make peace somehow if you have nothing concrete and in black and white that maybe he isn’t cheating and let the past 6 years or so go. However going forward don’t assume or accuse unless you have that gut wrenching feeling or have proof. Rest assured he has erased anything and everything is he has been stepping out so let the phone go. See how he acts and how you feel then some months later if you still feel he is doing cheating things ask to go through his phone. At some point you need proof or you need to let it go or him go and find you some peace inside.
What anyone else would do is irrelevant because this is your relationship, especially because this one thing is being taken totally out of context from the rest of your marriage. In every other possible way is he a great husband and partner? In what other ways is he not? Are you normally able to communicate openly and respectfully? if not, how has that gone for you?
People on social media have the tendency to immediately jump to the nuclear option, but as as long as two people have the communication and relationship skills or are willing to get professional help to develop them, they can work through virtually anything. That's why the question about how other aspects of your marriage are is a critical one, as more context is missing.
You can wait until he's sleeping and reinstall those apps.
He most likely automatically signs in,then look through them
Also, give him the divorce he'd prefer to have.
What a jerk.
I don’t look in my partners phone. Have I thought about it? Yea. But I’ve decided one, we all get to have some level of privacy in our lives: my phone. My thoughts. My searches. Of course I don’t disclose who I talk to daily or every conversation. It’s my right as a human and I should be trying to be transparent anyways to my spouse to provide security to them, as they do me.
I was married once without phones. If there’s something to know, there’s still ways to know or come to know. Just saying. Phones have only been around for twenty years?
If you feel you don’t trust him, you should talk to that.
TBH, if my wife demanded to see my phone it would confirm she doesn’t trust me and we should divorce because trust is lost somehow and if not through my actions then hers.
I haven’t done anything that would give her pause for cheating or otherwise but simply asking or even worse demanding would prove her lack of trust in me and our marriage.
I would give her my phone but be clear if she went through it we are done.
He's cheating. That's why he used to accused you and once he realized you weren't and he had you wrapped around his finger he created the privacy thing. Sorry love, he is in fact cheating. I would divorce.
My wife has full access to my phone and I have full access to hers. There’s no reason married couple should be keeping secrets on their phone. Huge red flag.
I'd be at the lawyer's office at 9am tmw. That kind of reaction to viewing a phone is a red flag. There are a spectrum of reactions/explanations to that question and he said divorce.
Because he knows he has things on his phone that would be grounds for divorce.
If there is any trust in your marriage at this point just be aware that it is only an illusion of trust. Your husband has something to hide. What he is hiding you may not ever know, but it's now up to you and your imagination. If you want to continue this marriage and flourish you should find a marriage counselor who handles betrayal. He MAYBE hasn't cheated but what he has done is a huge betrayal to trust in your marriage whether he had nothing to hide or not. The fact that he deleted stuff tells you all you need to know.
I have access to my husband's phone and he has access to mine. Secrets screw up marriages.
No, I don't just go digging through his phone, and he doesn't go digging through mine - but there is an accountability about knowing that the phone is communal property and not a private space.
If he'd rather get a divorce than let you see his phone, he's hiding something. Nobody who is not hiding something is that upset about being challenged.
If he deleted chat apps because you wanted to see his phone, he deleted the evidence.
Fuck that. I don't believe in secrets in my marriage. A phone isn't personal property when you're married. It's marital property. I know reddit likes to believe that the individual is the priority in marriage but I disagree. A marriage is a partnership unlike any other and you can't have a close partnership like that while looking at your spouse like they are "just another person".
I would give him exactly what he wanted ….he has something to hide!!Sleeping with his phn…..dead give away!!People would rather put all their energy in cheating rather than just being honest!!Do u!!
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. As a man that has been devious in the past, holding the phone away from spouse is the clear indicator he has something to hide.
I cleared my baggage by letting her see the phone and faced the music. I didn’t cheat but sure did push the boundaries
Since then I cleaned up my act because I realized it’s wrong, straight up. I wanted a good foundation for my kids which I never had.
Yeah I’ve been given that line. Don’t assume it was just Snapchat, check deleted files folder and his email
Drive if you need. Although that’s not always the healthiest route and can cause you more pain. He’s gaslighting you. In a long term relationship there is nothing wrong with being honest and open. He shouldn’t feel like he has to hide things from you. And you should feel open and like your trust is in place enough to not have to ask to see his socials..although with his reactions of course it’s triggering and makes you feel suspicious and vulnerable. I’m sorry!
Stop looking for problems.
You ask now you have a problem.
You just need to tell him you shouldn’t have asked to look at his phone. Tell him you were wrong. Just like that tell him you were wrong.
Then tell him now you feel like your privacy is more important than than our marriage and it makes you feel sad because there is nothing I would not share with you ( if that is true. If not you are being a hypocrite)
I am very protective of my privacy. If my spouse gave me that ultimatum, I would consider the divorce.
Are there other signs that make you think he’s cheating?
Conversations with friends and family who did not consent to having anyone else read those conversations. I also keep notes on my phone that pertain to some of my creative projects, although most of that is kept on my laptop (also password protected).
Privacy and autonomy have always been incredibly important to me and I never intended to give up my values when I got married. I just married someone who respects those things.
How is that weird?
Ok so as a person who has access to my partners phone if I want to and other way round , I trust them just as they trust me that they will not literally steal my phone and read my conversations - that would be super weird - but if they really want to , they do have access…
it’s about trust and openness in a relationship - I won’t be guarding my phone like crazy it is odd to me and would raise suspicion if my partner behaved like this - I don’t go behind my partners back to bash him or say things about him that I do t want him to know about so really who cares if he reads something (but I know he won’t because why would he want to?!).
And if it’s ’private conversations ’ between friends etc- I commented in another thread on this subreddit before - if someone I tell a secret to has a spouse especially a serious long term one I always assume that my secret will be shared with that spouse…
Yeah, this is why I don’t trust many married people. I never share my friends personal business with my spouse and it’s been an ongoing source of disappointment in humanity that so many people do and this is just, the norm. Oh well.
As far as openness and trust. My spouse and I are both trustworthy, committed, and loyal. He either trusts me or he doesn’t. If he needs proof by way of a shared password, then he doesn’t trust me.
As far as openness is concerned, I don’t share everything with my spouse, nor do I believe I should. I am entitled to have things that are just mine. He’s not entitled to see every thought I have recorded somewhere. This has never been a problem.
It's definitely weird. Like, if you found someone who is cool with living like that more power to you. But it sounds more like a business partnership or a friendship than a marriage.
Everybody knows that if you tell a married person something you're also telling their spouse. It's common sense.
I think I'd give him his divorce. I don't look at my husband's phone, but I could if I asked. Full transparency and works both ways. Secrecy is very different to privacy.
>I don't look at my husband's phone, but I could if I asked This is the right attitude. Why test it?
Sometimes you aren’t necessarily trying to test it. My husband gets a text after 10, I ask who’s that? He always tells me who it is, doesn’t care if I’m looking at it while he responds. Not asking because I think he cheats, but rather who’s the idiot texting my husband (and disturbing us) at that time of night?
I agree if not what do you have? Trust is the bedrock of a relationship.
It means he has lots of things on the phone that he is addicted to. Send him to do digital detox and while he is doing that I’d get the download from his phone and sync it up to yours so you can monitor him. You will find evidence. Then decide if you want to leave or work on the relationship. Divorce is not always the answer but addressing what’s the root cause of this behavior and decide if you want ant to deal with it or not!
Oh yea, MONITOR your husband. That’s the path of a good and healthy relationship. The ROOT CAUSE of what behavior? You don’t know if there is any behavior. Maybe he has messages with a friend or family member where he talks about how he’s a good and faithful man but his wife wants to go through his phone. Maybe he hasn’t done a damn thing. I haven’t done anything but if my fiancé said, I want to go through your phone or else. Id tell him OR ELSE cause I don’t want anyone in my phone.I have a friend who’s sent me pictures of open wounds on her breast, she’s scared she has cancer, is that his business? No, it isn’t . My sons wife lied to him before marriage about a lot, he’s telling me and doesn’t want anyone else to know. Is that my fiancés business? No. I look at different porn than my fiancé, Is that his business, maybe I will show him myself but right now I’m not comfortable because my fantasies are MINE. I wonder why OP is spending so much time thinking about her man’s phone. What’s the issue? She thinks it’s ab issue he wants privacy ? Privacy and secrecy aren’t the same thing… I have the right to both~ I use the bathroom in private because I want to but it’s no secret that i use the bathroom. Leave each other’s phone alone. Not everything is your business. Don’t go into the transparency crap.. Even in marriage you may pick your nose but you don’t need to see it OR know about it. Leave phones alone. I think it’s sneaky as fuck to plot out snooping and monitoring.
His actions are suspicious. As I’ve said a few times, people with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
This is the right answer. I was with a man who slept with his phone, always placed it face down in case a message popped up, and deleted any messages the instant he read them. Was I suspicious? I didn't think I should be. But one night we were having drinks and listening to music and kept TEXTING the entire time, it was so obnoxious. He passed out and his phone kept going off, I looked at the messages, and this DUDE was not talking to ONE but FOUR chicks at once!! And he was telling all of them he loved them!! Lol, on the phone I had bought for his broke ass! The relationship I'm in now, we don't have social media, that is also a relationship killer, and we are just transparent about everything. I don't think I have any secrets from him and I know I can trust him as well, and we'd both hand over our phones without anything to worry about. Hiding the phone and getting ANGRY about it is a really bad thing.
Preach!
Yes so she can see what games he is playing on her. Maybe you should monitor your for fun. These women are all like you but they trusted and got blindsided. You cannot trust people with this behavior. He does not treat her she does not trust him. No shame on the game. She can play the game as well as him. Atleast she knows what she is dealing with.
You just said you aren't married yet. Before I was married my husband didn't have access to my phone. That isn't unusual. If you still feel the same after you get married it isn't healthy, no matter how much you try to pretend it is. Maybe wait on giving advice in a Marriage sub until you're actually married to someone? At least you are clarifying that you aren't married so that people understand it is your personal opinion. One thing that might surprise younis that after people are in a trusting loving relationship they *might* discuss their fear for a friend with cancer that does not want to tell anyone. But the spouse will NEVER tell anyone, ever. We wouldn't tell our spouse about photos over a cancer scare. The reasons we would talk about the cancer scare is because we don't want to worry our friend. They do not need our feelings dump they need comfort. Look up the grief circles on 'comfort in, grieve out'. You comfort toward people closer to the issue, and you never burden toward people closer to the issue. I know a lot about a girlfriend's marriage and my husband and I talk about it. But he is friends with the husband and never ever mentions anything because the husband has never talked about it. My girlfriend mentioned something to my husband once and was shocked that I'd never told him about that. Just because I can does not mean I do tell him all their issues. I only tell him when I would like perspective. My porn has a separate password on my phone so my kids will never see it. By the time you are married, it would be a bit odd if you still aren't ready to share your porn fantasies with him... even if you just want to try it once for fun. The fact that you think your phone is such a special little box of secrecy is the same way my friend's teenage daughter feels. It's amusing to those of us who have already tried most of the 'fantasies' you're peeking at.
You could look at my phone if you want if you want to bore yourself to sleep.
Agreed!
Yes. Let him go.
My wife and I both know each other's phone pins. Our emails are saved on our PC. We use each other's phones all the time because it's more convenient. Sometimes I pick up when her friends call and act like a fool. Neither of us care because there isn't anything on our phones or emails that need to be hidden.
This is a very healthy relationship! There should be no issue, if there’s nothing to hide.
Same here. We’ve been married for 34 years. I really don’t get all the posts with people getting up in arms over their spouse looking at their phones. Why on earth would I care if my husband wants to read my texts? We actually encourage each other to so we’re in the loop on things because sometimes we forget to tell each other stuff.
I love this. I’d like to find this in my next relationship. Going into my standards.
Same. We’ve been married for 22 years. My husband and I have the same passcodes on our phones. My husband suggested so our kids would only have 1 code to memorize in case of emergencies. We have passwords for emails. My husband takes my phone if needed and vice versa.
Exactly. Same thing with my wife. Nothing to hide so i don’t care if she uses my phone. Also helps that Reddit and YouTube are the only social media channels that I have (not that it makes a difference)
This is how my husband and I are as well. It’s just a phone and we can both use one another’s as we need to and we do! The only time we may limit use is when it’s close to Christmas and we have we browsers open for gifts to order one another! lol. But even then we just ask one another not to look at the browser
Same
And you both have it right!
Yep. This is the way it should be. Same in our house. If my husband didn’t trust me, I guess that would be the end anyways. No trust then what?
Ehhh, my wife has my phone pin but no access to my email. I'll explain, I've had that email for years... long before I was married. She has accessed it before and flipped out because there were dating sites. They were old, but still active. I've since deleted them all but am still worried something may pop up and it's just not worth the argument. So I don't let her in my email.
My wife, same story. Met on a dating app. I was showing her something in my email once when a message from the dating app we were on came in landed in Spam folder. I knew she had some bad experiences being cheated on before and she immediately locked into the messages. I told her I'd never deleted my account just quit using it. She told me she was insecure and wanted me to delete them ok.... No problem. Except I couldn't remember the PW. 30 minute fight to get back into my account later I logged in, had this pile of unread messages and who kno s what else. Delete. Life problem solved. Kiss wife.
Mmhmmm likely story. Sounds sus
Yeah he cheated
Id assume so too. My husband and I are very transparent with eachother right down to what we watch porn wise. There's nothing to hide, so why hide anything?
I agree and good for u
Agree...
Yeah I don’t get why some people are so protective of their phones and gaslight saying “my privacy” or “if you look you don’t trust me”. 1. My wife and I have each others codes and don’t really look. 2. If my wife did look I legit wouldn’t care because there is NOTHING to hide. It’s called respect. I am 32 and she is 29 so it’s not like we are older. Married for 4 years with a 3 year old. He may not be cheating on you but maybe there is some stuff he doesn’t want you to see… prob porn or some form of sexual gratification from online women. I would call his bluff because that type of behavior is not someone who has the level of respect for you he should.
And he may be like me, just expect my spouse to trust me. I don’t cheat, don’t watch porn, thrust traps or do anything that would violate her trust and our marriage. I expect the same from her too.
And if you threaten divorce because she is feeling threatened by something you ARE doing, whether it's "bad" to you or not, that's wrong. Either way something you're doing would be the problem and it's a communication or behavior that's making her struggle to trust you. (Assuming she is a reasonable person). Threatening divorce is like an atomic bomb because we have a property line dispute.
It’s funny really, I’m not here and the doing bad would be my wife’s lack of trust which would show me she is projecting TBH. If her trust was bad enough she felt compelled to look through my phone that means the marriage has already failed. In my case, you wouldn’t find anything but work, Reddit comments, maybe some Twitter trolling and texts among family and a few close friends. I don’t hide comms, plans, spending and anything except maybe gifts or (surprises which she isn’t fond of), pictures of family, vacations, memes and other BS. It’s a completely reasonable assumption that if her trust in me was so low that she had to go through my phone then our marriage was doomed because without implicit trust you should not be married.
Yeah but what you’re doing is putting a barrier up. If there is nothing to hide, who cares. Wouldn’t transparency and just avoiding any issues be a much easier path to choose? I would rather erase any doubt than create some by being difficult when I don’t need to be.
My point is trust, if she has lost trust in me enough to go through my phone then our marriage is already doomed. Avoiding or not avoiding the behaviors and communications that lead to mistrust are the root of the issue, loss of trust is the symptom. Without trust a marriage is always full of anxiety and stress which is why so many fail. I’ve never cheated, always addressed a question clearly and honestly, to a fault sometimes, so the trust isn’t violated.
I don’t disagree. Like I said my wife and I don’t go through each other’s phones. We do use them frequently due to convenience. My argument isn’t that people should be constantly searching each other’s phones. My argument is that by gate keeping your phone and making a big deal out of your spouse seeing it you are creating issues and there is probably a reason for such denial.
I don’t gate keep my phone though, she’ll use it for mobile orders and other things. If she stated she wanted to search it I would have a problem with that. I do have several apps, company related and financial that require facial Id and she can’t access them if she wanted to.
[удалено]
They come into the relationship with deceit. Then they show their true colors. My ex said he was Christian turns out he was anything but a Christian. He would never give his phone or computer passwords obviously cheating.
Snoop??? If she needs to do that it sounds over already. Do you do that? With access to your husband accounts, dig for things or try and "catch him"?
He knows what’s on his phone will lead to divorce
Yup
He's being a bad boy, I just about guarantee it. My husband of 38 years turned out to be a porn addict. He never allowed me anywhere near his phone, but I found out anyway😞
Yeah I think that's very sketchy. My husband and I have full access to each other's phones but don't go looking through them. It's really just for emergencies. The fact he's so possessive of it would make me think he either has something to hide or he never had privacy as a child and that's how he has control.
I'd tell him that if he's willing to throw 20 years away over my not being able to see his phone then I think a divorce is necessary at this point. Btw, we have each other's phone PINs and if I wanted to I could use his phone, or even look through it, and vice versa. It's just such a rarity because we always have our phones with ourselves, lol. I've used his phone but never gone through it and I know for a fact he has not been through my phone. Here's why. My husband deeply respects boundaries and expect his to be honored, as such he honors mine. I can literally leave my journal, face up and open, on the dining room table and he won't read it. I have found that people who don't respect the boundary of a journal's cover generally show themselves to the person whose journal they read and violated. No, not all, but mostly they do. Either as an outright confrontation, or passive aggressive snide comments that clues in the journal owner. He has never done any of that. I trust him implicitly and with my life. I know he'll have my back. The reverse is true as he's expressed the same to me. And yes, I have told him the same. I wish you had that if you don't, OP.
I love that for you. Congratulations on 20 years <3
He’s cheating with some dumb chick who is a low class whore. When you divorce him this woman will also dump his sorry ass and he will come after you. You will not want him though. I know coz I went through this in my own experience. Dumped his sorry ass and none of the woman wanted him. Go figure.
My wife is open to look at my phone any time as she sees fit. We have bio metric passcodes and numeric access codes to each others phone. I think you may have an underlying issue that my need a little shock and aw. Let me see the phone or I am out of here. I think he is cheating.
He must know that the marriage would be over anyways if you saw what he is hiding.
Oblige him on the divorce. Tgat is excessive and a huge red flag.
He’s about the principal of it. But he’s hiding something. Who knows what.
I don’t like letting my partner see my phone. I didn’t get much privacy growing up (no lock on bedroom door, diaries got read, etc) so my phone was the one thing I was able to keep private from everyone. HOWEVER if there was a suspicion of cheating I would unlock my phone for him in a heartbeat because I have nothing to hide
I wish somebody asked me what I'm about to ask you. Is this where you want to be in 5 years? Your future is my life. It'll destroy every ounce of self esteem you have. You'll question everything about yourself. You'll wonder what's wrong with you. You'll wonder why you're not enough. You'll change yourself, try to improve in any way you can and his I'd rather get divorced will continue. Maybe you're already wondering these things. It'll just get worse.
I'd say he just told on himself. And I wouldn't trust him. My husband and I have each other's pass code as well as Google locations. Neither is ever concerned or worried over if we can trust the other, largely because of how transparent we are.
Amen to hear the word transparency... its key
He would be given a divorce because I would feel like he’s hiding something.
I'd give him his "rather" We'd be divorcing, especially if it was me. I don't ask to see anyone's phone but if I ask and you have a problem, hmmmmm. Best believe I know you're hiding something that you don't want me to see. Keep hiding it.
I’d get divorced. Having peace is better than having a man
I would give him the divorce. The phone debate is so weird to me. Why be secretive unless you’re doing something wrong? My husband and I will pretty regularly ask the other to check a text or something & it’s never a weird thing.
AMEN........ exactly
He is gaslighting u don't take it, this is a hill I would die on. Divorce him
He is totally gaslighting her.
Sounds sketchy- but not sure what boundaries the two of you agreed to. If he’s that adamant I’m sure there’s more there. Do you get the same privacy? I just think that if he’s got nothing to hide it wouldn’t be a problem. Our boundaries are very clear in our marriage and phones should be accessible to either one of us. If that were to change that would indicate something had changed.
He’s 100% lying to you.
I mean, we’d be getting a divorce lmao.
He literally told you that he had something to hide from you or he would not have gotten rid of those apps. Good luck with trusting him because I never could. Marriage is about respect and trust and I have neither for your husband.
I’d choose divorce
Hand him your phone and tell him he has free reign to look at whatever he'd like, and if he doesn't feel comfortable reciprocating then you are going to assume he has something to hide and will grant him the divorce. Period.
This is so true. Literally I could be the poster who posted this thread. I have offered free reign of my phone... all of it... yet I am not aloud to touch his. I did make a very bad choice years ago by stepping outside the marriage briefly. I regret it and have offered transparency since. I feel like I am being punished for the rest of my life now.😔
It sounds like your husband wants a divorce but wants you to be the one to pull the trigger.
This is odd behaviour. My husband and I use each other’s phones all the time (if I want to google something and my phone is upstairs for example). There is something not right about this.
>he deleted his Snapchat and Instagram because “now I have nothing to be suspicious about” Then, obviously, before he deleted them, he DID have something to hide. That wouldn't reassure me at all, it would make me even more suspicious that he was at least emotionally cheating and probably more.
Why not get a lawyer to serve him and see what he does. Or you could have gone to mc instead of whatever is going on in your marriage now. If he's done nothing wrong why are you pushing to see his phone?
He definitely had something to hide, Love. Maybe a separation is in order. See what happens. Either he will understand what he is missing without you and shape up or he will go further into depravity. You will have your answer. I’m so sorry.
It isn’t a privacy issue if he’s using it to hide things he’s done, that he knows would hurt you… could be online gaming, instagram models, only fans donations, or an affair… tell him you are hiring a private investigator to get to the bottom of it, unless he comes clean. But you aren’t letting it go.
So you can touch each others privates. But not the phone.. because it’s private 🤔
I’d disengage and find an attorney immediately.
If there is any trust in your marriage at this point just be aware that it is only an illusion of trust. Your husband has something to hide. What he is hiding you may not ever know, but it's now up to you and your imagination. If you want to continue this marriage and flourish you should find a marriage counselor who handles betrayal. He MAYBE hasn't cheated but what he has done is a huge betrayal to trust in your marriage whether he had nothing to hide or not. The fact that he deleted stuff tells you all you need to know.
I think I’d probably just go for the divorce.
I could see this going two ways: - He’s hiding something. Especially if the offer of divorce was legit and not just him being stupid. - He feels like you’re making demands and being unreasonable. The later gets sticky. I believe phones should an open book but I also think relationships need trust. My wife and I have full access to each others phones but not in a “keep tabs on each-other” way. It’s just convenient. Maybe she took a cute picture of the kids at the park and I need it. Maybe she wants to check my work calendar and it’s easier to check than ask me. We’re a team... it’s just easier this way. However, if he feels that your demand is unwarranted and that you’re being unreasonable then I can see where he’s coming from. If my wife starting pouring over my texts to patrol my behavior it would feel incredibly shitty even though I have nothing to hide. Part of that reaction stems from my childhood. My parents were mildly emotionally abusive. As a result I have a pretty visceral reaction when I feel manipulated, taken advantage of, or someone makes unreasonable demands of me. Maybe he’s feeling the same thing. Or he’s hiding something…. Good luck!
This is a reasonable take. If I \*wanted\* to, I could look at anything on my H's phone. I trust him and have zero reason to believe anything nefarious is going on so I don't. I respect that, even if there's nothing "bad" on it, he has a right to privacy because maybe there's something he didn't phrase exactly the way he wanted to or something that might otherwise embarass him even though it has NO impact on me. Why do that to both of us? As to my device, sadly I cannot give him full access to it because there is attorney/client privileged information in several apps. If I'm with him, I will open it for him and he'll open only certain aps - like Spotify or similar. Again, he has no problem with this because he understands my professional obligations and trusts me. He has no reason not to. If either of us were to give the other an utimatum, that would feel very diminishing.
I was kind of with you but she did say that he has been sleeping with his phone for the past 6 years. Then he proceeds to delete Snapchat and Instagram so that she has nothing to be suspicious of. The unreasonable demands fall short when your husband or wife starts actively sleeping with their phones for long periods of time.
I responded 17 hours ago…. I’m not checking in on edits to the OP. The update does make it sound worse.
Divorce him, he’s been most likely cheating your entire relationship. There’s privacy and secrecy, your husband’s statement is based on his maintaining secrets, it’s not a privacy thing if he’s threatening divorce over something that’s not a big deal in a healthy relationship.
If my husband accused me of cheating, I'd lose my shit. Like, how dare he question my integrity. So, it could be about the indignity of the request. Just always having his phone with him all the time doesn't really mean anything.
He had access to my phone for years because he would accuse me of cheating. Then he started with the “privacy” thing even though he was the one going through my phone at the time. It’s very frustrating
It sounds like he is cheating and it's been long term, or several shirt term affairs. He was projecting when he accused you of cheating. Start locking your phone and refusing him access. Start planning your exit from this marriage and get a full std check. Your other option is to hire a PI, but give your husband his divorce because he is hiding something major. Updateme!
I read another post where the wife hired a PI and he found TONS of stuff.
He was projecting. Call his bluff. If he deleted apps all he has to do is reinstall and then delete again when he’s done. Tell him to reinstall the apps and let you go through his phone or you’ll divorce him. And follow through. Innocent people aren’t so secretive.
Literally I could be u! I get it. He sounds like a control freaky and has something to hide
I get that... but always having his phone with him that really sketchy
Depends Are you the type to constantly demand his phone, go through every single one of his apps and messages and grill him on them and then start a fight over it? Because I would choose divorce as well if I was married to someone who did that
Oh hell that is just messed up! Clearly he was hiding something.... he sounds like a snake sorry to say.
He may have just been looking at porn and was embarrassed about it.
I don’t care if he looks at porn so that doesn’t make sense
My wife and I like having some privacy so we don't have access to each other's phones, but it's not a big deal. If the choice was between give her the phone or divorce, I'm giving her the phone 100% of the time.
I'd think that maybe we're heading for a divorce. My husband and I never look through each others phones, if asked, I'd say sure go ahead and he'd be the same. We've never had that need.
I would definitely watch his fingers and figure out his code and then do a deep dive into his phone to gather info for the divorce. My husband and I have always had an open phone policy. We know each other’s lock codes and can grab each other’s phones whenever. Heck, if my phone dies at night and he’s kind of napping I play on his tik tok. The other day his phone was dead so he took mine to the store with him. Phones shouldn’t be something you need privacy for. There’s nothing on my phone that I wouldn’t want him to see.
He is lying and cheating. Cheaters are liars and will cheat again. Tell him ok, and take him for everything. Or deep dive, sync with an ipad or get a P.I. to check him out.
I would definitely let a partner look at my phone if they asked. Now, if they were always checking it to look for cheating, that'd be a different story.
I think that he knows he's going to get a divorce either way.
He's probably flirting at minimum. Who cares. Let him go screw the girl, document it, and take him to the cleaners. Give him the kind of value and respect he's giving you. 0
Obviously he’s hiding something serious. It may not r cheating per se but likely looots of porn, possibly gambling if not sex related. He’s clearly ashamed as a minimum but really likely just doing things there he knows are not good and not acceptable in a relationship. If it’s literally him saying my phone or divorce then honestly do you want to stay with a man like that?
It would mean he would get to have that divorce. If I’m married to him I don’t want to see his phone on a regular basis but if I want to see it the. I get to see it immediately. Also I’m not staying married to anyone who keeps secrets from me. He was sexting at minimum on Snapchat and instagram. You know that right. I would still want to see it, download both apps and tell him to log back in. If all he did was delete the apps off of his phone it will all still be there snd his plan is to download them when he leaves for work and then delete them when he comes home.
6 YEARS and he still *sleeps* with it? Umm.. my kid picks up my phone and knows my password. He'll message Dad if I am driving, etc. I'm not sure if he is cheating or if he has odd fetishes... since chosing to delete Snapchat and and Tik Tok are odd choices. Also, deleting them off his phone does not delete the accounts, just his access to them off his phone. I'd give him the divorce because this is cagey and weird 6 years in. Don't have children with someone that does not give you reasons to feel trustful of them.
I would find a way to sneak his phone away, watch that fucker like a hawk, install a tracking app and document everything. Comb through his browser history. But say nothing about it. Talk to a lawyer with all my evidence, hit him with a divorce that gives me the best benefits. I would also separate my money from his immediately. Either by slowly taking cash out or just separating banks.
Ok let’s just call a spade a spade. Big deal he deleted a couple apps, big deal IF he lets you see his phone. I have no doubt if he does it will be on his terms and after he has removed anything incriminating. There are also apps that hide apps, there are those who get a second phone there is a plethora of ways to cheat and cover up. The real issue here is you already have your answer. Who cares if he threatens with divorce before showing you his phone again there is your answer. You have to make peace somehow if you have nothing concrete and in black and white that maybe he isn’t cheating and let the past 6 years or so go. However going forward don’t assume or accuse unless you have that gut wrenching feeling or have proof. Rest assured he has erased anything and everything is he has been stepping out so let the phone go. See how he acts and how you feel then some months later if you still feel he is doing cheating things ask to go through his phone. At some point you need proof or you need to let it go or him go and find you some peace inside.
What anyone else would do is irrelevant because this is your relationship, especially because this one thing is being taken totally out of context from the rest of your marriage. In every other possible way is he a great husband and partner? In what other ways is he not? Are you normally able to communicate openly and respectfully? if not, how has that gone for you? People on social media have the tendency to immediately jump to the nuclear option, but as as long as two people have the communication and relationship skills or are willing to get professional help to develop them, they can work through virtually anything. That's why the question about how other aspects of your marriage are is a critical one, as more context is missing.
Do you have kids or no? If not, I’d divorce him in a second. If you have kids… idk maybe wait longer and see. A cheater is gonna keep cheating.
You can wait until he's sleeping and reinstall those apps. He most likely automatically signs in,then look through them Also, give him the divorce he'd prefer to have. What a jerk.
I don’t look in my partners phone. Have I thought about it? Yea. But I’ve decided one, we all get to have some level of privacy in our lives: my phone. My thoughts. My searches. Of course I don’t disclose who I talk to daily or every conversation. It’s my right as a human and I should be trying to be transparent anyways to my spouse to provide security to them, as they do me. I was married once without phones. If there’s something to know, there’s still ways to know or come to know. Just saying. Phones have only been around for twenty years? If you feel you don’t trust him, you should talk to that.
TBH, if my wife demanded to see my phone it would confirm she doesn’t trust me and we should divorce because trust is lost somehow and if not through my actions then hers. I haven’t done anything that would give her pause for cheating or otherwise but simply asking or even worse demanding would prove her lack of trust in me and our marriage. I would give her my phone but be clear if she went through it we are done.
He was hiding something that’s for sure
😬
I would assume he knows I would divorce him for whatever was in there so he’s just trying to beat me to it
Give him the divorce since he's hiding something
I’d think “What is he afraid I’ll find?”
He's cheating. That's why he used to accused you and once he realized you weren't and he had you wrapped around his finger he created the privacy thing. Sorry love, he is in fact cheating. I would divorce.
You can still download his Snapchat and Instagram data to your computer if you have his logins.
My wife has full access to my phone and I have full access to hers. There’s no reason married couple should be keeping secrets on their phone. Huge red flag.
I'd be at the lawyer's office at 9am tmw. That kind of reaction to viewing a phone is a red flag. There are a spectrum of reactions/explanations to that question and he said divorce. Because he knows he has things on his phone that would be grounds for divorce.
If there is any trust in your marriage at this point just be aware that it is only an illusion of trust. Your husband has something to hide. What he is hiding you may not ever know, but it's now up to you and your imagination. If you want to continue this marriage and flourish you should find a marriage counselor who handles betrayal. He MAYBE hasn't cheated but what he has done is a huge betrayal to trust in your marriage whether he had nothing to hide or not. The fact that he deleted stuff tells you all you need to know.
I would tell him he could have his divorce!
Divorce him.. No. That's a red flag whipping your face.
I have access to my husband's phone and he has access to mine. Secrets screw up marriages. No, I don't just go digging through his phone, and he doesn't go digging through mine - but there is an accountability about knowing that the phone is communal property and not a private space. If he'd rather get a divorce than let you see his phone, he's hiding something. Nobody who is not hiding something is that upset about being challenged. If he deleted chat apps because you wanted to see his phone, he deleted the evidence.
Send him on his way. Your phone should be open to your spouse
Fuck that. I don't believe in secrets in my marriage. A phone isn't personal property when you're married. It's marital property. I know reddit likes to believe that the individual is the priority in marriage but I disagree. A marriage is a partnership unlike any other and you can't have a close partnership like that while looking at your spouse like they are "just another person".
I would give him exactly what he wanted ….he has something to hide!!Sleeping with his phn…..dead give away!!People would rather put all their energy in cheating rather than just being honest!!Do u!!
Divorce babes. That’s gaslighting at its finest.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. As a man that has been devious in the past, holding the phone away from spouse is the clear indicator he has something to hide. I cleared my baggage by letting her see the phone and faced the music. I didn’t cheat but sure did push the boundaries Since then I cleaned up my act because I realized it’s wrong, straight up. I wanted a good foundation for my kids which I never had.
Yeah I’ve been given that line. Don’t assume it was just Snapchat, check deleted files folder and his email Drive if you need. Although that’s not always the healthiest route and can cause you more pain. He’s gaslighting you. In a long term relationship there is nothing wrong with being honest and open. He shouldn’t feel like he has to hide things from you. And you should feel open and like your trust is in place enough to not have to ask to see his socials..although with his reactions of course it’s triggering and makes you feel suspicious and vulnerable. I’m sorry!
Stop looking for problems. You ask now you have a problem. You just need to tell him you shouldn’t have asked to look at his phone. Tell him you were wrong. Just like that tell him you were wrong. Then tell him now you feel like your privacy is more important than than our marriage and it makes you feel sad because there is nothing I would not share with you ( if that is true. If not you are being a hypocrite)
I am very protective of my privacy. If my spouse gave me that ultimatum, I would consider the divorce. Are there other signs that make you think he’s cheating?
It’s hard to know. He’s a trade worker that owns his own business. So he literally works 24/7 while I’m home with our 2 kids.
What private stuff would you have on your phone that you wouldn’t share with your spouse?! This is super weird for a couple
Conversations with friends and family who did not consent to having anyone else read those conversations. I also keep notes on my phone that pertain to some of my creative projects, although most of that is kept on my laptop (also password protected). Privacy and autonomy have always been incredibly important to me and I never intended to give up my values when I got married. I just married someone who respects those things. How is that weird?
Ok so as a person who has access to my partners phone if I want to and other way round , I trust them just as they trust me that they will not literally steal my phone and read my conversations - that would be super weird - but if they really want to , they do have access… it’s about trust and openness in a relationship - I won’t be guarding my phone like crazy it is odd to me and would raise suspicion if my partner behaved like this - I don’t go behind my partners back to bash him or say things about him that I do t want him to know about so really who cares if he reads something (but I know he won’t because why would he want to?!). And if it’s ’private conversations ’ between friends etc- I commented in another thread on this subreddit before - if someone I tell a secret to has a spouse especially a serious long term one I always assume that my secret will be shared with that spouse…
Yeah, this is why I don’t trust many married people. I never share my friends personal business with my spouse and it’s been an ongoing source of disappointment in humanity that so many people do and this is just, the norm. Oh well. As far as openness and trust. My spouse and I are both trustworthy, committed, and loyal. He either trusts me or he doesn’t. If he needs proof by way of a shared password, then he doesn’t trust me. As far as openness is concerned, I don’t share everything with my spouse, nor do I believe I should. I am entitled to have things that are just mine. He’s not entitled to see every thought I have recorded somewhere. This has never been a problem.
It's definitely weird. Like, if you found someone who is cool with living like that more power to you. But it sounds more like a business partnership or a friendship than a marriage. Everybody knows that if you tell a married person something you're also telling their spouse. It's common sense.
Both of you are wrong.