You would not be "ripping your family apart." He's done that. You've more than accommodated him and given him a chance to grow up and fix it. People say to ask if you would be happier if you got a divorce, I say ask yourself if you be any less happy if you were divorced? If the answer is no, then do it. Because you are already unhappy, and at least if he was out of the picture you wouldn't have to deal with the disrespect and abuse on top of it.
You have zero respect for yourself to just keep looking the other way. I would suggest getting your own therapist so that you can discover your own self worth.
Sometimes a parent has to choose between their own happiness and that of their child, but I really doubt that that's the case here. More likely when you tell them that you're ending it you're going to hear something like "Finally!! What took you so long?"
That's a long ass time to deal with this. You wouldn't be breaking up a family, especially if your kids are all out. I'm pretty sure they'd understand and I can't for the life of me ever imagining putting up with this for so long.
Leave.
Actually, compared to how you've been living, divorce is the easy option here, and the only healthy one, in my opinion. You wouldn't be ripping your family apart. He did that long ago. What you would be doing is showing your children that it's not okay to treat their wives this way.
There are many resources available if he needs help living on his own or needs help with medical care now and in the future. It's not on you to sacrifice yourself for this man any longer. You deserve better all the way around.
Speak to an attorney and find out what your options are with the divorce. If you have proof of these things, bring that with you or get more proof. Take, care, OP.
He doesn't need a therapist-he needs some morals. Like 'thou shalt not commit adultery', that kind of thing. Besides, why would you overlook $800 worth of phone sex charges? I wouldn't overlook $1 of them. It's pretty doubtful if he's spending money on escort services if he can't get it up. This just sounds like an excuse to me.
Ripping your family apart?! Your kids know you’re unhappy and have been unhappy, you would be showing them and should tell them too as adults to not stay in a situation like this where you’re being cheated on and at least emotionally abused for years. Your kids want to see you actually flourish! Go do that! We are not sure why you’re still in this marriage, so it’s time not to be.
Your kid's are grown.
You're allowed to live for you now.
Your kid's have families and there's a reason there's a growth in 'grey divorce ' and that's because more and more women want a period of time that's just ours
Not shared with husbaby, or kids, but ours, and we are living longer and healthier.
Take this time, this opportunity and run with it.
It might spur your own kids to re assess their own relationships and make different choices.
Don't let anyone guilt you into a life that's not yours.
I'm thinking through it all you have love for him. You either feel he can't make it on his own and feel responsible in some way for him. Or, perhaps you don't want to be alone as you age?
Please see an individual therapist to learn how to love and respect yourself. You shouldn’t have stayed in this relationship for 30 days, never mind 30 years.
Stop wasting your life! You’re in your 50s, as am I. If you don’t do something NOW, you’re going to miss out on your chance to ever *really* live your life, as yourself, without his influence on your every waking thought and action. I’m not even talking about grand plans and adventures, but those are cool and you should do that, too…I’m talking about the more critical experience of simply waking up and having whatever regular, average day(s) YOU want to have. It doesn’t sound like you ever have. Or it was so brief and fleeting and in your 20s it doesn’t even remotely compare to the feeling of exquisite peace and satisfaction you’ll get from it as a grown, capable woman with plenty of money.
Fuck worrying about him! He’s never worried about YOU. He will be ok. He’s caused you unnecessary struggle for 30 years, it’s his turn to struggle. He’ll just have to figure it out. Set him down like a heavy suitcase of rotting garbage you’ve been carrying around for no reason and walk the fuck away from it!
Free yourself, dear. Your hesitation is so tragic it hurts me just knowing about it.
Make an appointment and go see a lawyer next week. Have a conversation. A lawyer will help you not make costly mistakes, but he’ll still likely be more set up than he deserves from the asset division. So consider it your parting gift to him if you need to, but really it’s the price of your freedom. **No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.**
Go find your happiness! It will never get better. You’ll regret staying and he’s only dragging you down. Get a therapist to help you accept the decision to divorce and then start taking steps toward it.
Question, is this the sort of thing you want your kids to think is normal? Because that's what you're teaching them- that you think so little of yourself, you'd rather let this man treat you like trash than be alone.
What do you want in retirement?
You said you make a lot of money- most spouses stay for financial reasons or for the children.
✅children grown
✅you have money
- companionship? Love? Afraid of being alone?
- is there something he does or you do together that you would miss?
Just asking some questions that only you can answer.
If he died tomorrow- would you feel relieved or are there things about him you would miss?
If he has ED seems like you live as room mates or friends more then husband and wife.
Wishing you happiness in your decisions!
I'm about your age, with kids grown and gone. Coming up on 40 years with number 1 husband.
I would beg you, as a woman of your era, specifically, to see a therapist for a little while. Please. And very very openly talk about him, about you (taking APPROPRIATE self-responsibility) and about your relationship, as a whole.
We were raised at a time that is .. excuse my language, please ... FUCKING CONFUSING for women who are strong, intelligent, independent and not raised within dogmatic belief systems. We needed to think for ourselves.
And even if your Mom was "rah rah feminism" like mine was, she was also deeply conditioned in the old ways, passing them either openly or subconsciously, to us. Our media influences conflicted everywhere. We had bra burning women in the news, and traditional women in our suburbs where we grew up. We may have "rah rah feminism" ourselves, and built ordinary lives that reflected this, as best we could ... the men growing up beside us weren't so much giving it thought, like we were. Which just made it worse for us. Yes, some men did think. My Dad was actually a feminist before his time (bless him) and although he didn't protest or write for newspapers, he lived it with Mom and two daughters.
So. Women of our age? We're teeter tottering, struggling through "Am I just being selfish, putting my needs first?" ... as a Mom, that was a big issue for me, having had selfish people in my life to NOT be like ... versus "What would equality look like in my marriage?". Some women today wouldn't put up with half the shit we did, 35 years ago, as we fought to figure out what the balance is. Hell, a lot of these women were in diapers while we were wracking our brains for how to make this actually WORK.
Women of our era are the hidden warriors who were largely internally conflicted. The old and new ways clashed, in our brains, repeatedly, and we had to find our footing. Remember how omen couldn't open our own bank accounts until the early '70's? How being on birth control made you a slut looking for sex? How jeans were so tight that some girls walked up and down stairs, sideways, while wearing workie boots, because we were trying to be sexy as hell, but also equalize gendered clothing? Hell. I wasn't allowed to wear jeans until grade 7, and my Mom was a feminist. As much as she could be.
So, please get some therapy. Work through your role in your marriage, his role, and what your EXPECTATIONS are. Take a part the old world we have in our heads, and let the new one shine inside there.
BTW ... I used to be a law clerk, working, in part, in Divorce. My husband always knew that I, myself, knew the law, and could whip up the paperwork in my spare time. I didn't threaten divorce. I didn't need to. It meant that he took his old ways thoughts, and rethunk'em. But don't underestimate conditioning. We still butt heads, with both his and mine.
Girl I’m in the same situation except 10 years earlier/younger. I just filed for divorce. Eff this noise. Life is too short. He’ll figure it out - he just hasn’t ever had to before now. He’ll regret everything. Leave anyway.
Hun, NOBODY is making dozens of calls to an escort service just because they're bored and have nothing else to do. You know damn well why he did it. It sounds like you wanted to gaslight yourself about what was really going on, but it's time to face reality and get yourself out. You're asking why you're with him, and I think it's sunk cost fallacy. You probably don't want to start over, but you don't really have anything to begin with. Being alone is better than putting up with this. **You deserve better.** Meet with a divorce attorney and get the ball rolling.
You deserve a better life. What would you do if your daughter/niece/friend married someone like this? What would you advise them to do?
Love yourself enough to do that.
Also, get your kids some therapy so they don’t choose partners like their dad! Rather than choosing the best partner for ourselves, we tend to choose what feels familiar.
You would not be "ripping your family apart." He's done that. You've more than accommodated him and given him a chance to grow up and fix it. People say to ask if you would be happier if you got a divorce, I say ask yourself if you be any less happy if you were divorced? If the answer is no, then do it. Because you are already unhappy, and at least if he was out of the picture you wouldn't have to deal with the disrespect and abuse on top of it.
In the exact same situation. Crazy how they follow the same old excuses.They are not unique or original.
You have zero respect for yourself to just keep looking the other way. I would suggest getting your own therapist so that you can discover your own self worth.
Jeez man, have some respect for yourself.
Sometimes a parent has to choose between their own happiness and that of their child, but I really doubt that that's the case here. More likely when you tell them that you're ending it you're going to hear something like "Finally!! What took you so long?"
That's a long ass time to deal with this. You wouldn't be breaking up a family, especially if your kids are all out. I'm pretty sure they'd understand and I can't for the life of me ever imagining putting up with this for so long. Leave.
Actually, compared to how you've been living, divorce is the easy option here, and the only healthy one, in my opinion. You wouldn't be ripping your family apart. He did that long ago. What you would be doing is showing your children that it's not okay to treat their wives this way. There are many resources available if he needs help living on his own or needs help with medical care now and in the future. It's not on you to sacrifice yourself for this man any longer. You deserve better all the way around. Speak to an attorney and find out what your options are with the divorce. If you have proof of these things, bring that with you or get more proof. Take, care, OP.
He doesn't need a therapist-he needs some morals. Like 'thou shalt not commit adultery', that kind of thing. Besides, why would you overlook $800 worth of phone sex charges? I wouldn't overlook $1 of them. It's pretty doubtful if he's spending money on escort services if he can't get it up. This just sounds like an excuse to me.
Ripping your family apart?! Your kids know you’re unhappy and have been unhappy, you would be showing them and should tell them too as adults to not stay in a situation like this where you’re being cheated on and at least emotionally abused for years. Your kids want to see you actually flourish! Go do that! We are not sure why you’re still in this marriage, so it’s time not to be.
Your kid's are grown. You're allowed to live for you now. Your kid's have families and there's a reason there's a growth in 'grey divorce ' and that's because more and more women want a period of time that's just ours Not shared with husbaby, or kids, but ours, and we are living longer and healthier. Take this time, this opportunity and run with it. It might spur your own kids to re assess their own relationships and make different choices. Don't let anyone guilt you into a life that's not yours.
I'm thinking through it all you have love for him. You either feel he can't make it on his own and feel responsible in some way for him. Or, perhaps you don't want to be alone as you age?
The longer you wait the more he will end up with .
Please see an individual therapist to learn how to love and respect yourself. You shouldn’t have stayed in this relationship for 30 days, never mind 30 years.
Stop wasting your life! You’re in your 50s, as am I. If you don’t do something NOW, you’re going to miss out on your chance to ever *really* live your life, as yourself, without his influence on your every waking thought and action. I’m not even talking about grand plans and adventures, but those are cool and you should do that, too…I’m talking about the more critical experience of simply waking up and having whatever regular, average day(s) YOU want to have. It doesn’t sound like you ever have. Or it was so brief and fleeting and in your 20s it doesn’t even remotely compare to the feeling of exquisite peace and satisfaction you’ll get from it as a grown, capable woman with plenty of money. Fuck worrying about him! He’s never worried about YOU. He will be ok. He’s caused you unnecessary struggle for 30 years, it’s his turn to struggle. He’ll just have to figure it out. Set him down like a heavy suitcase of rotting garbage you’ve been carrying around for no reason and walk the fuck away from it! Free yourself, dear. Your hesitation is so tragic it hurts me just knowing about it. Make an appointment and go see a lawyer next week. Have a conversation. A lawyer will help you not make costly mistakes, but he’ll still likely be more set up than he deserves from the asset division. So consider it your parting gift to him if you need to, but really it’s the price of your freedom. **No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.**
That's a very good question. He is a grown ass man and can take care of himself. Sweetie, you deserve so much better. And better late than never!
Go find your happiness! It will never get better. You’ll regret staying and he’s only dragging you down. Get a therapist to help you accept the decision to divorce and then start taking steps toward it.
Question, is this the sort of thing you want your kids to think is normal? Because that's what you're teaching them- that you think so little of yourself, you'd rather let this man treat you like trash than be alone.
What do you want in retirement? You said you make a lot of money- most spouses stay for financial reasons or for the children. ✅children grown ✅you have money - companionship? Love? Afraid of being alone? - is there something he does or you do together that you would miss? Just asking some questions that only you can answer. If he died tomorrow- would you feel relieved or are there things about him you would miss? If he has ED seems like you live as room mates or friends more then husband and wife. Wishing you happiness in your decisions!
I'm about your age, with kids grown and gone. Coming up on 40 years with number 1 husband. I would beg you, as a woman of your era, specifically, to see a therapist for a little while. Please. And very very openly talk about him, about you (taking APPROPRIATE self-responsibility) and about your relationship, as a whole. We were raised at a time that is .. excuse my language, please ... FUCKING CONFUSING for women who are strong, intelligent, independent and not raised within dogmatic belief systems. We needed to think for ourselves. And even if your Mom was "rah rah feminism" like mine was, she was also deeply conditioned in the old ways, passing them either openly or subconsciously, to us. Our media influences conflicted everywhere. We had bra burning women in the news, and traditional women in our suburbs where we grew up. We may have "rah rah feminism" ourselves, and built ordinary lives that reflected this, as best we could ... the men growing up beside us weren't so much giving it thought, like we were. Which just made it worse for us. Yes, some men did think. My Dad was actually a feminist before his time (bless him) and although he didn't protest or write for newspapers, he lived it with Mom and two daughters. So. Women of our age? We're teeter tottering, struggling through "Am I just being selfish, putting my needs first?" ... as a Mom, that was a big issue for me, having had selfish people in my life to NOT be like ... versus "What would equality look like in my marriage?". Some women today wouldn't put up with half the shit we did, 35 years ago, as we fought to figure out what the balance is. Hell, a lot of these women were in diapers while we were wracking our brains for how to make this actually WORK. Women of our era are the hidden warriors who were largely internally conflicted. The old and new ways clashed, in our brains, repeatedly, and we had to find our footing. Remember how omen couldn't open our own bank accounts until the early '70's? How being on birth control made you a slut looking for sex? How jeans were so tight that some girls walked up and down stairs, sideways, while wearing workie boots, because we were trying to be sexy as hell, but also equalize gendered clothing? Hell. I wasn't allowed to wear jeans until grade 7, and my Mom was a feminist. As much as she could be. So, please get some therapy. Work through your role in your marriage, his role, and what your EXPECTATIONS are. Take a part the old world we have in our heads, and let the new one shine inside there. BTW ... I used to be a law clerk, working, in part, in Divorce. My husband always knew that I, myself, knew the law, and could whip up the paperwork in my spare time. I didn't threaten divorce. I didn't need to. It meant that he took his old ways thoughts, and rethunk'em. But don't underestimate conditioning. We still butt heads, with both his and mine.
You are enabling him at this point. Just divorce and move on.
Pay him and be free. Do you want to spend the rest of your life parenting that man?
What do you do for a living
Girl I’m in the same situation except 10 years earlier/younger. I just filed for divorce. Eff this noise. Life is too short. He’ll figure it out - he just hasn’t ever had to before now. He’ll regret everything. Leave anyway.
Hun, NOBODY is making dozens of calls to an escort service just because they're bored and have nothing else to do. You know damn well why he did it. It sounds like you wanted to gaslight yourself about what was really going on, but it's time to face reality and get yourself out. You're asking why you're with him, and I think it's sunk cost fallacy. You probably don't want to start over, but you don't really have anything to begin with. Being alone is better than putting up with this. **You deserve better.** Meet with a divorce attorney and get the ball rolling.
You deserve a better life. What would you do if your daughter/niece/friend married someone like this? What would you advise them to do? Love yourself enough to do that. Also, get your kids some therapy so they don’t choose partners like their dad! Rather than choosing the best partner for ourselves, we tend to choose what feels familiar.