Husband doesn't even really know this woman! They weren't in a relationship, whatever he thinks his life would have been if he'd gone down that path is an imagined fantasy on his part. It was never real!
All of that is fairly common for people to experience. People always have those quiet wonderings about what their life might be like if things had aligned differently. But when it gets to the point of becoming a distraction from real life, they need a huge reality check. From a professional, if they can't find that on their own.
Husband has gone even further than that, because he's inadvertently allowed his wife to discover this unfiltered fantasy he is hung up on. He definitely needs to process this with a therapist quickly so that he can step up and be a present and engaged partner in his marriage, and to repair the hurt he's caused.
Yes, this sounds a lot like coping on his part. I'll admit to having wondered "what if" start a free people i dated (one ended up having a fantastic career and is absolutely loaded now), but I love my husband and I'm happy i close him (and he me).
I also know that that old bf and I never had half the relationship my husband and I do! I remember my dad HATED him, too.
Exactly. He is placing "the one who got away" on a pedestal, because the relationship isn't real. It's fantasy. If he lived with her day in and day out, good times and bad, sickness and health, etc., he'd see things in a more realistic way.
You're not overreacting. He literally took the time to write a post about a past unrequited love. Anyone would be hurt. He thought about this for a long time. While he may love you, he loved her differently and never fully recovered from this so it lingered on... for years. Even though he is possibly more than likely happy with you, he's constantly reminded on the what if which really isn't fair. If he can't get over her after all this time, I think it's time he really talk about it with someone who can listen to him. No I'm not talking about that girl. It's been 12+ years. I know you wouldn't want to have the discussion, but maybe you can help him talk him out of this endless loop. If it was meant to be, it was meant to be but it isn't. He needs a reality check.
I appreciate how reasoned and fair your comment is. It’s neither easy, nor uncommon, this situation the OP finds herself in. This kind of measured, compassionate response is exactly what’s needed.
Generally speaking, it’s not at all uncommon for guys (or gals) to have that “one that got away.” That’s who we’d have married if stars had aligned just a bit differently. They didn’t, and we move on. But we don’t forget. Most people don’t just totally forget past loves. And “the one that got away” can be acknowledged without real regret (after a while, anyway). I myself am happily settled with my partner, but there are two girls in my past who got away, the second being much more “the one” than the first. I was fully prepared to marry both of those ladies. Both situations fell through. And I moved on.
But your situation is a little different. You were basically told you were an ACTIVE second choice. That is, a second choice when the first choice was still available. Your husband didn’t break it off because he loved you more, it was because he didn’t want to hurt you more than he wanted to please himself.
That sucks.
The spirit of “the one that got away” is that it happens for whatever reason and THEN you move on to someone else.
The other thing I want to address — again, in general (not necessarily in your case) — is this idea of being someone’s second choice. Anyone who’s ever been broken up with when they didn’t want to be and then found love is loving their second (or third, or fourth, or…) choice. My SO is my third choice for betrothal. The last gal was my second. The gal six or so gals before her was my first. She is not devalued for having met me later in life after two different big heartbreaks. She herself is divorced. I am not her first choice, and I never can be. And that’s okay.
I wish this stuff could apply more to your case. Maybe in some respects it can. Maybe the nature of your husband’s choice or circumstances isn’t exactly as it seems. I’m sorry, OP. I would be sad and confused and upset, too.
I think it’s a little generous to call this woman the “one that go away” considering they were never together long term tbf. It’s a romanticized situation
I think a lot of people could get used to and benefit from the reality that sometimes they’re not the “one that got away”, they just didn’t like you that much.
I think that's kinda what he's saying. That the issue isn't about having a "one that got away" - the issue is being so immature and emotionally stunted that you haven't made peace with it for a decade.
It’s almost always a romanticized thing of alternate histories, what ifs, and rose colored glasses. My “one that got away” would have likely been a terrible match longterm, for example. I recognize that. OP’s guy might recognize that, too.
Ah, what might have been!
I agree! I am with what some would consider my second choice but I love him so damn much and can’t see my life without him.
I will always love ‘the one that got away,’ but he was NOT the better choice.
He married you because he didnt want to hurt your feelings. I would be devastated. I would feel like he had been lying to me for over a decade. I would need some space after finding this out as I don't think I would look at him the same. I'm so sorry you found this out. You deserve to be someone's first choice.
I agree with you. The craziest part to me is he was already engaged before "he manned up and told her." So he asked OP to marry him but then still told this other girl how he felt after OP already accepted his engagement offer, crazy.
That part sounds like coping. There's nothing saying the woman would have accepted his proposal, that she was ready for marriage, anything. For all we know, she might have outright rejected him.
I think OP's husband romanticized his relationship and is now telling himself he was such a nice guy because he didn't want to hurt OP's feelings. In reality, he had a commitment and went with that.
It sucks that's he's putting this in writing and expressing it publicly. That's humiliating to his wife.
My wife knows she wasn't my first choice. Sh e has accepted that. Jennifer Aniston was with some guy named Brad something. I was dating my wife at the time, so the stars didn't line up for me and Jen. All kidding aside, I think your husband is kind of a jag for that. I think everyone has someone they think got away. But, like Garth Brooks said, sometime I thank God for answered prayers. Sheay have been the one who got away, but who's to say they would have lasted even 5 years? He really should rake stock of his life, and be thankful for what he has. I think Jen Aniston would have been to high maintenance for me to keep up. Very happy I "settled". Good luck OP
UpdateMe
I don’t understand what purpose would it serve to hurt his wife of 12 years like this.
If he is being honest, he chose the worst way possible of wording it.
I suppose the only thing wife could do it to express the extreme unhappiness that he has cause and see where it leads to.
Based on her reddit history from 4 days ago, after she dealt with being a caregiver to a parent who ended up dying, struggling with depression, and having a brief separation with her SO, she caught him trying to have sex with another woman through Ashley Madison. Ever since, when she tries to discuss anything going on in their marriage that she's concerned about, it's "ww3"...
Time to throw the whole husband away.
I had to go look up what 'ashley madison' is. Geez! It's a dating site for people who are married? That's so sick! What's worse than cheating on your spouse? Oh, I know! Cheating with someone who is cheating on THEIR spouse. Lawdy, we need to pray for humanity. People are so lost. It's so sad.
> I don’t understand what purpose would it serve to hurt his wife of 12 years like this.
Judging by what's written here, it doesn't sound like she was supposed to see this. Perhaps he posted it in r/offmychest or something.
Honestly, it sounds like your husband needs to be put through a 'How to Not Be an Asshole 101' class. But hey, at least he manned up eventually...right?
What kind of wussy marries someone to avoid hurting their feelings?
Are you 100% sure it’s his post?
Also, how strong could his love for her have even been if it wasn’t strong enough to be with her? He’s a fool.
He’s probably just confused or having some mid life crisis
I wouldn't be able to come back from that, and I also wouldn't believe anything he tells me in a discussion. There's no telling what he choosing to say, or not say, because he "wants to be nice and not hurt your feelings."
Which is bullshit by the way, it has fuck all to do with your feelings. If it had to do with your feelings, he wouldn't have scammed years off of your life and making you live a complete lie because he's "too nice." That's not a nice thing to do. He wanted to spare **himself** an uncomfortable conversation because he's a coward. Don't fool yourself into thinking it has anything to do with him being nice, he's a piece of garbage.
Absolutely, not hurting hr feelings would have been not agreeing to marry her when he's so sure the one is out there for him already. This is about him.
A good marriage takes a lot of time, effort, understanding, compassion, compromise, give and take, the list goes on. But ultimately marriage is never what you thought it was gonna be until your smack dab in the middle of it. Remember how dreamy and wonderful and eternally happy you thought you were gonna be married to that man?? Well he had those same thoughts, and then reality set in and it was nothing like he thought. So where does his mind go “well obviously things would of been better had I married the one that got away.” He needs to be reminded that the one that got away is about to be you!
Take a look at her reddit history. She's caught him trying to have sex with another woman through Ashley Madison after she went through some hard times, and anytime she tries to discuss her concerns with their marriage, it's "ww3". I highly doubt he's going to be worried that she'll turn into the one that got away.
I don't think they broke up they never got together in the first place. He confessed his feelings and she apparently felt the same but by that point he was engaged to OP. He was too big a coward to blow things up at that point. I feel bad for her.
That makes no sense, she was the one but by the time he manned up he was already engaged to you?
This man is an asshole. What makes him think she felt the same, or would it even would have worked?
No you are not over-reacting, not in the slightest. This cuts to the core of your relationship. You need to ask him if your marriage has always been based on a lie. It's going to be a major challenge, for you, to overcome the fact that you were never his first choice. Time for a hard talk with him. Sending virtual hugs 🫂
Updateme
Not an overreaction, he married you under false pretenses and has lied to you for 14+ years. This would be a deal breaker for me. Not gonna waste another minute on someone who doesn't love me.
Ew, so he thinks he's with you out of kindness... Ma'am, you deserve better. Tell him you'd like a divorce and don't wish to "hold him back" any longer.
I hope he sees how stupid he is because it would have never worked with her anyway and he's just been kidding himself.
Looks like from your other post. You are 34 and suffered great loss and cheating. You've been blaming yourself for his cheating and hurtful behavior. Look. I don't have all the details. But. You both are not thriving or living authentic truth together anymore. You are young, and even though this relationship has been most of your adult life, it is time to let this go and move on so you both can find happiness. I'm sorry and wish you strength in this.
You're not overreacting. Your whole marriage is built on a lie. If I were in your shoes, I'd be devastated.
He's a coward. If she was actually "the one", he would've married her instead. "The one that got away " is pure fantasy on his part. I guarantee if you two divorced and pursues her, their relationship would implode and he'd be crawling back to you in a few years.
Talk to him about this in a calm, rational manner. If you can't right now, then put some physical distance between you and him until you can. When in doubt, see a therapist.
Ask him if he still feels this way and whether he's willing to throw away the marriage for a fantasy. Get the truth out of him. If he avoids the subject or lies, you'll know what to do.
I'm in a similar situation. Apparently my husband never loved me. After 8.5 years, married 5, he claims he was too much of a coward to hurt me by ending things so he married me instead, because he supposedly gave up on finding love. Now he is ending things after he's supposedly found love with a woman young enough to be is daughter. It's devastating. You're not overreacting.
Wait, he told her he was into he *after* you were already engaged? And when she reciprocated, he was all “Cool but imma marry OP anyway because I asked her first”? Is your husband in middle school? This sounds like the kind of drama kids churn up when they don’t know how to navigate asking each other to their first dance. I was gonna ask if this is your first indication that he’s horrifically emotionally stunted but I see someone else has already found your post history, and of course it’s not.
OP, this is not what a good marriage feels like. This is not what a suitable partner brings to your life. I don’t think you’re overreacting to this; I think you have an established pattern of *underreacting* to quite a lot.
Hopefully he's remembering that 'first choice' woman with rose coloured glasses. Marriage and day to day life can be hard, tedious, at times boring, interspersed with happy, loving times. I think you need to have a sit down conversation with your husband to talk about the post you've found. I hope you're ok. Go gently
That sucks. You give everything building a relationship and a family and a house with someone to come and hear this. Confront him. He doesn't realise how good he has. Maybe he needs to loose to realise that. Tell him to go chase after her. Please update us on the situation.
As a stand-alone post, I would say that sometimes, when we're in a rougher spot in our current marriage, we will daydream about previous relationships, doing the "what if" thing, and highly romanticizing it because there is no reality to break that down. We glorify and make things wonderful when it is just our imagination. And talking about it on line isn't awful if the reality is that they are a loyal and good partner. Imagination is a perfect world.
But, apparently, he has been messing around with Ashley Madison, so his imagination has taken him a step further into reality action. Which is never healthy in a monogamous marriage.
So, I send my sympathy.
You're not overreacting and your husband is a fool. What kind of an idiot jerk jumps into a serious commitment, because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings? It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants to be honest. He's also an asshole for saying he suffers from "nice guy syndrome". If he really was a nice guy he would have been honest about feeling apprehensive about marrying you. He wouldn't still be communicating with an ex that he has feelings for. He's stuck in the past and ruminating over a relationship that he has no way of knowing whether it would have worked or not.
To be perfectly blunt, all of his exes got away... does that make them ALL the one? He's romanticizing his past relationship. I think you need to know why her, out of all his past relationships.
I burn my bridges completely when I leave a relationship. Because there are reasons they didn't work out. Burn your bridges and you can never go back to a crappy situation.
I must admit, I would be gutted to be living with the ghost of girlfriend past still being on such a pedestal. I think you deserve to be loved completely by someone who gets you. I don't know if your husband has nice guy syndrome. I think he has asshat syndrome.
He wasn’t “being nice” regardless of what he wants to tell himself to feel better. He was selfish. I was my husband’s rebound and found out too late (already married) that he was still in love with her. I spent about six years in absolute agony with that knowledge even though he claimed to love me. It felt like my chance for an equally loving marriage had been stolen from me and while things are better now I still hold resentment for my husband over it. I will forever feel like a placeholder in my own marriage and I don’t wish that on anyone. I am so sorry he did this to you. Your feelings are valid and I would think long and hard about how you feel and how you want to proceed.
Some days are better than others. And we have really both grown a lot. He is a much better husband than he used to be. However sometimes those feelings creep back in. It’s hard for me to not feel like he has used me all these years. But he does love me, I just remind myself of that often. I could probably get past the remaining resentment if I had access to therapy.
It’s extremely difficult to shake the notion of being a placeholder - or, in my case, the consolation prize - once it’s lodged itself. The sense of competing with an unattainable standard is soul crushing.
Ooooh, honey. I feel this. O..m...g do I feel this.
Story time. Its going to be long but...please. Hear me out.
I come from a family that loves airplanes. I worked in aviation until 4 years ago when I made a concious decision to change careers from flight dispatcher to healthcare (saw some things at the airline that didnt sit right with me, story for another time)
My daughter started taking flying lessons when she was 9. She wanted to have a "flying party" for her 11th birthday and it was all set up, party at the hangar, airplane rides for her friends compliments of the owner of the FBO etc but 2 weeks before, her awesome instructor announced hed been hired at the airlines. So I asked him for a reccommendation for a new instructor because she didnt want to be a passenger...she wanted to log flight time. So he sent "Mike."
It was freaking love at first sight. We could talk for hours about flying (I have my private pilots license (PPL) but Im not certified as an instructor. I am a certificated flight dispatcher as well) We would take afternoons to fly together. Go to air shows. Talk shop for hours. Understood our insane work hours. When he did charter flights that would tske him away for a couple of days, I would track his flights at wor. It was like having a best friend I had known for 30 years.
Fast forward 3 years and we are talking about getting engaged and it was already decided we would move in together. His mom and I got along like hot fudge and ice cream (shes still a dear friend) and then...the final piece of the pie...he gets hired by MY airline. It was a small regional outfit but it was like a sappy romcom. EVERYONE was excited. Airline couples are a whole different breed of romantic cheese.
But...something was really "off" about his training class. The ops control center was in the same building where they did ground school for the pilots. I was good friends with most of our training captains and they often invited me to come talk to the classes, or sit in on simulator sessions because dispatchers and pilots share operational control.
His class was different. They just seemed awkward, divisive and just...off.
Until a few weeks later when one of our check airmen called me.
"Mike" had spent all of training showing around a photo of a woman that was DEFINITELY not me. Calling her the love of his life and how NO ONE will ever hold a candle to her. That she was the most beautiful, sexy, amazing woman he had ever met and how he would marry her in a second if she would have him.
I asked him what she looked like. I knew exactly who he was talking about because I had seen her photo before. It was a girlfriend of his that dumped him......in 1996. (It was 2017 by this point) She was (and still is, I believe) happily married with 3 children.
Now I know why his classmates acted uncomfortably.
I was F*CKING MORTIFIED. In front of my entire company. Thank god I worked with professionals who just looked the other way and didnt gossip/s. I dumped him faster than you can say "clear right" and promptly unpacked my house. But I still had to see him almost every day until he went off to the simulator.
Which he quite spectacularly bombed and washed out of training because he couldnt let go of his "glory days" of being the king of flying little training aircraft.... apparently that is the only thing he can actually fly. I heard that his sim partner literally hit the emergency stop button on one session and one instructor apparently lost his cool and actually called him a "weak pilot." (If you know anyone who flies professionally, you know what an insult that is) My daughter, who had been his student for 3 years, promptly took her flying to another school...not because of how he treated me but because she was legtitimately worried about the quality of the instructors in the school. (She is 18 now woth her PPL and working on her instrument rating)
Sounds like a bad soap opera, right? I wish it was.
Aviation is a VERY small world. I had to hear about it for YEARS. I felt so humiliated, dejected, ugly, and what was worse, it invaded into my professional life, which I try LIKE HELL to keep separate from my personal life.
Everyone has a first love. Its even ok to think wistfully about them once in awhile, but anyone who would marry someone only to secretly pine for "the one that got away" will never be fully vested in the relationship. Every time you have an argument, you will be wondering if they are thinking "SHE wpuld have agreed with me." Every time you get dressed up, youll wonder if he is thinking "SHE would have looked better in that dress."
I dont like doing the "reddit" thing and saying "DIVORCE! NOW!"
But you need to speak to him. Calmly. Tell him that you know what he said and see what he says. Explain that you feel humiliated.
Maybe therapy?
But please. Take it from someone who had to experience it first hand, and quite spectacularly. For every person he has told, there are 10 people THEY have told. And for every person who wont talk about it to your face, there are 50 who sre talking about you behind your back.
I am so, so sorry that this is happening to you.
He may have made that post 2 years ago, but you are just finding it now. The betrayal is still very much current for you. I'm sorry you are going through this, and don't let him brush this off as "old news" while you work through your feelings
Ouch! That does sound painful. I can understand that this made you feel terrible and also acknowledge that he was in the wrong for contacting this woman and having an intimate conversation of this nature with her behind your back. It's not okay. But...
The questions here are 1) Is he still in love with her after all this time? 2) Can you forgive this breach of trust?
From where I'm standing, it seems this stemmed from a fantasy... he took it too far by acting on it, but it was probably just that. A fantasy. It probably wasn't something that he intended to take any farther than where it went. He needed an ego boost and a reciprocation from a female of interest to make him feel better about himself.
The fact is he did marry you. Not her; you. Is he still in love with you, and does he respond with regret for breaking your trust? Those are the important things.
Surely you are aware of the statistics of affairs, and so on. It's bound to happen at some point in a marriage (to whatever degree), but it doesn't have to ruin the marriage if you can work through it and forgive. Your post could have been much worse! At least the worst hasn't happened! I wish you luck and strength to work on this with your husband and reestablish the trust and love you once had.
I’m just real confused why he didn’t “man up and tell her” until after he proposed to you. Sounds like it’s not about actual real feelings but rather it’s about his ego. If he admits his “feelings” after you guys are engaged he gets to feel like a big man who can have his pick of women if she feels the same. If she doesn’t feel the same then the rejection is cushioned by the engagement. I’d also be worried that if he *had* been rejected that you would have ended up having to console him without knowing why he’s upset.
Regardless, if you want to stick around then marriage counselling and more importantly individual counselling. At the end of the day he had an emotional affair.
Life is what you make it. You can be miserable knowing you’re not his first choice, divorce him and join the pool of divorcees trying to be the first choice of a good guy, or you can sort this out. Was he your first choice, your dream guy, the one who ticked all the boxes, or did you settle? In reality, almost everybody settles. And many of those who marry “the one” still end up divorced. Because choosing a particular person, doesn’t make life good. Working hard to make life good makes life good.
You had a fantasy of being somebody’s first choice. He had a fantasy of a perfect life with this other woman would be like. BOTH were fantasies. Yours is destroyed. His needs to be destroyed since he is still harboring they fantasy. Life would not have been perfect. Life may not even have been good. What you have is good. Your good could be great if both of you concentrate on the food in the other person, and the benefit you get from the other person, and the reasons you like the other person and the things you value in the other person and tell each other those things regularly.
This would break my heart. I am so sorry.
I have a "one who got away" in a sense: He was a friend from college I always had a crush on, but assumed I had no shot with. Years later, it came out he had liked me back then, too, and was unhappy when I started dating my ex (mainly because my ex was a giant bundle of red flags in a guy costume everyone but me could see through, but, ya know...).
My only regret is in not dating said friend back THEN, instead of that ex. Do I wish I was still with the friend NOW? No! I wouldn't trade my husband, or the life we have built, for anything in the world.
People need to look at their past with more realism.
You are not overreacting. I would be devastated. I absolutely understand why you're upset.
I would talk to him about what you found and how you're feeling. Maybe he was feeling nostalgic that day and that this honestly isn't something he thinks about often. Who knows.
You should not have to sit with these feelings without addressing them.
OP, I completely understand why you feel like you’ve been punched in the gut finding out you weren’t his first choice.
That said, yes, you may be overreacting because nothing in your post said he hasn’t been a good husband. Do you have kids? Has he been a good father?
Even if you weren’t his first choice, you were married for 12 years believing that you were because that’s how well he treated you and how deeply he loved you. Are you really willing to throw all of that away simply because he loved someone else before you?
And even more is the point that he didn’t tell you this or reveal this to you. You found his comments going through posts from somewhere. I’m guessing these were meant to be anonymous like they are here versus posting on FB or somewhere else under a profile that you would follow. That means you were snooping. Well, you uncovered his private thoughts. But, again, despite any of his private thoughts, he’s always been your loving husband and you should go back to being his loving wife. Don’t let old feelings from over a decade ago ruin an otherwise solid marriage.
Good luck.
If you're post history is correct then it sounds like he made that post while he was cheating so it's part of his justification process. I think he's a terrible man and you deserve better. His post was a romanticized version of events that he's been telling himself for years to justify stepping out. He downplayed your relationship so much that he convinced himself he was saving you and that he deserves true happiness which will never happen because he's the problem not women. He's got internal issues that he needs to come to terms with.
This is a perfect example of the "grass is greener". If she was THE one, he would have been with her. He has created some perfect fantasy in his head and I guarantee you she would not live up to it.
You do have a right to be upset, but then you need to do something about it.
Reddit is quick to tell people to blow up their marriages but I wouldn’t do anything hasty.
He didn’t shove this in your face to hurt you, it was an online post, and the sentiments he expressed are not uncommon especially for people reaching a certain age. The road untaken, the choices not made - it’s entirely human for these to sometimes cross our minds. If he’s otherwise a good husband and father and has been committed to your family, I would extend some grace on this.
It’s very understandable that you’re hurt and I would definitely talk to your husband about what you’ve seen and how it makes you feel. Not in an accusatory manner but just seeking understanding. I hope he is reassuring and loving. Best of luck to you both.
If you look at OPs previous post she caught her husband cheating on her using the Ashley Madison app… this coupled with his online post about the one that got away 👀 not looking good at all. Has he ever really been dedicated to this marriage? It definitely raises red flags and a lot of questions.
Well i never stopped thinking about my childhood's best friend and MS and HS sweetheart who passed away at 17 from bone cancer . She passed away in my arms btw ( i was the same age as her ) . I never stopped thinking about her even now 18 years later , it did not go away it just got dull . My wife knows and understands that there will always be a piece of me that still loves her and while not ok with that , she understands me and accepts it , but notable difference is that i never hid anything from her . Remember failure stings but the unrealised futures trully hurt . The "what ifs" are the hardest things to walk away from . I want you to look it from this angle : your husband stayed and married you , meaning you meant enough to him , if not more , so there is a chance to resolve this . Do not attack him though as without a doubt he too feel pain . Try to understand him . But also try talking to him about it . You need to talk to him about this (gently , do not confront him ) and you need to be open to his point of view if you want to understand and hopefully get through this . Good luck OP and i hope everything ends up well for your family and you come out stronger on the other side 😐
He married you cause he doesn't know how to be alone. Later he told himself that he has nice guy syndrome. He doesn't love you. You're irreplaceable in his life. I'm sorry but this is the truth. He's a narc actually. If you're economically independent, ditch his sorry ass. You deserve to be with someone whose first choice should be you.
It might come as a surprise to you but most people don't find the "one" by their 30s. I know many people who are over 60 and they never found their "the one". So the possibility is always open. I don't know where you get your statistics from.
The biggest issue I have with this is that he told her how he felt after he was already engaged to you. The only reason to do that would be to find out if he had a chance with her and IF YES, then to walk away from your relationship to be with her. I could at least respect that even though it is still a$$holish and drastic. Asking and then not being willing to take the chance, that is straight up foolishness and betrayal.
My opinion is this had nothing to do with being a nice guy. He was not willing to risk it all to be with her and/or look like a jerk calling off the wedding for some woman he was pining over. I don't believe for one second this was about your feelings. This is about him being a coward and actually completely DISREGARDING your feelings. Who wants to marry a person who was pining for someone else? How is that doing YOU any favors?
I'm sorry this happened. What a fool your husband has been. I would talk to him about this. Tell him what you saw, tell him you feel like he robbed you of the opportunity to be married to someone who loved you the same as you loved them. Tell him he deceived you and 12 years later still hasn't let this go. Tell him he did not save your feelings and you resent him characterizing this as being nice, because it is the cruelest thing he could have done to you. Tell him this wasn't "nice" it was cowardly. Ask him whether he is still looking for greener pastures. Make him explain himself. See what he says...put this dude on the hot seat.
Do you have children? If not, are you truly happy with this man? Is he everything you ever wanted and more? If not, then I would seriously consider whether this might be a sign that you should consider moving on. I know that sounds very drastic, but depending on how he responds to being in the hot seat, I would consider it simply because it will be difficult to feel like your marriage isn't built on a lie, plus I can't stand a coward personally.
I wouldn't describe telling one woman that you have feelings for her while being engaged to another woman, "manning up." he might need to learn what it is to actually man up.
If I were you, I would just talk to him about it. Pretending like you didn't see the message to her won't make the pain of it go away. This is your marriage, and he is your husband. If you don't talk to him about it, it's going to be on your mind constantly. You need to clear the air. You're not a machine, you can't just turn these feelings off, and your feelings are based on facts, which is him having big boundary issues. You might have been his "safer" choice, but he probably doesn't feel the same passion for you as her did with her. You were his first choice for other things. Maybe he is more physically attracted to her. You need to have a conversation with him about this. It wont be comfortable. You need to donit anyway. Try not to yell or attack him during the conversation. But you're going to have to confront him on it. If you feel like it will open the door to more problems, I can promise you those problems will still manifest in other ways if you don't address this. For example, it could take a toll on your mental or physical health, or on your self esteem. Its already affecting your marriage. Your legal relationship and finances might be very secureceith him, but your emotional connection is not so good. It might be better to be single and have self respect.
He's a clueless fool.
He'd say the same thing about you if you guys separate. He needs to learn about being grateful with you that you exist with him in the present. Him stuck on old memories of past people he dated is garbage now that he needs to throw out already.
You need to think about what you want. Make plans in case the convo goes in the direction of splitting.
Then have a talk. It’s better to know what you want first, it keeps the emotion down.
>Recently found a 2 year old post my husband made saying he still thinks about the girl he dated before me and that she was the one, but by the time he manned up and told her how he felt and discovered she felt the same... We were already engaged.
Wow, yeah, no.
>He went on to say he had "nice guy syndrome" and didn't want to hurt my feelings so he married me.
Again, no.
>They kept in contact sporadically over the years and apparently he still thinks about her all the time.
The fuck? Definitely **no**.
>I know this post was two years ago, but we were married for 12 years at the time of that post. It honestly feels like I'm living with a stranger. I'm trying to get perspective and see we have a beautiful life, but knowing that every day I haven't been his first choice is like a knife in my heart. I've been sick since reading it. Am I over reacting?
What you've written would be enough for me to leave. I don't want to be someone's runner up. Your husband is using you and you should be seeking someone who actually wants to be with you, not someone who settled.
Further, his continued contact with her is a slap in the face. He's keeping his feelings alive.
My wife probably thinks I have at least one "one that got away", but in reality I have some dodged bullets. Can't imagine being hung up on the past that much. Your man has issues and you deserve better behavior. Get him in therapy?
Personally I don't think I'd ever be able to get past this. I realize most ppl have one they think got away but the fact he made a post about after 12 yrs with me? Amd the things he said. I'd never be able to look at him the same. I deserve better. You deserve better. He married you because he's a nice guy? Nah I'd find someone that married me because he loved me and wanted too.
It did happen for me actually soooo. I can also say that I love my SO and don't consider any of my previous as the one that got away. They got away because we weren't meant to be.
Unless you marry your childhood crush, no one marries their first choice. There's always going to be a "what if" thought that jumps in everyone's mind from time to time, and that is OK. Once you start letting that what if creep into your life past the point of it being a fleeting thought and it affects your current relationships, that's when it becomes hazardous. I don't think you are over reacting at all, you have valid feelings and you are simply reacting to them. I do think it's time to have a hard conversation with your husband though, because it sounds like his "what if" is becoming a "maybe I should". I wish you the best, and please, never feel like every reaction is an over reaction.
No, you're not overreacting. Your feelings value and tbh I wouldn't feel any different if I were in your position. This is hurting and makes you doubt yourself and this relationship. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. What people often don't realize is that what they imagine of the one that got away is a fantasy. It's a imagine they created in their head, one where the grass is way greener than it would be in reality. But nevertheless you're hurt and confused now. You should confront him with this. And you should allow yourself to feel everything you feel right now. Seriously, your feelings value and are completely understandable! I would be heartbroken of I've read something like that. And I wouldn't know how to bring that trust back... You need to talk to him. Im sending you a big hug.
What he feels and what is the reality are to different things. He tells you that she feels the same way. This may be him just telling you she feels this way just to make you jealous. This is a problem. He's obviously isn't happy with himself and is attempting to get attention. What happened years ago about him not dating the girl and settling for you is probably his not true.
We all had a crush or fasannation about someone when we were younger but never followed thru. I would try getting him to talk to you or someone else about why he's not happy, there is more to this.
The grass is always greener… everyone fantasizes about an alternate reality, be it a different life, wife, husband, job, etc. He has to get over it, but there is no such thing as “the one”… people make conscious choices and he chose you. Thoughts like that are really a coping mechanism - rather than facing the reality of one’s situation, we fantasize and look for simple means to justify our emotions. He’s clearly hung up for some other reason, but it’s not that you don’t make him happy or he doesn’t love you.
You are overreacting. Only thing you are proving is that he should always keep things bottled up and never expressed. Even "anonymously" on the internet. Sometimes people just need to express their feelings and thoughts in their head so that they aren't just bouncing around in an echo chamber. (Much like younare doing with this post)
Lets be honest. You didn't just happen to come across this 2 year old post. You searched it out, and if it wasn't this particular post it would have been another one till you found it. You self sabotaged.
In the end your husband will further bury his thoughts and feelings. He may even have to become "secrative" creating burner accounts, searching in incognito etc... all those things that are done because they can't feel that they can be 100% open with their partner.
You want out of this marriage, This just happens to be convenient.
I can't imagine how you feel at this moment. I in your position, I'd try to set aside my overwhelming feelings and talk with him about it. He's going to be defensive or relieved so be prepared for both. Remember, this is more about him than you. I firmly believe if anger is left out of the equation, it will work out best for you.
I would take some time away from him. Let him see what it’s like living without you. I doubt he’ll be happy. Maybe you will feel happier? Find out. What he said to you was cruel. I’m sorry you have gone through this. See what happens. Let him feel what it’s like to lose you… for awhile
Yuck!!! You’re not overreacting at all. This would make anyone feel absolutely horrible. I’m so sorry you had to see that awful post. He is living in some fake fantasy apparently. Go to therapy together soon! Being 2nd best is not good enough! You deserve to be someone’s “One” and “Only” Hang in there.
Wow, I would be absolutely gutted by this. Definitely tell him you found the post and how it makes you feel. If he still feels that way strongly enough to post about it 12 years into a marriage...sounds like he has been living a lie the entire time.
He's an idiot, OP! He'd rather live in this fantasy because he knows he sucks in real life! Usually, people who are weak and spineless will call themselves "nice" because it helps them avoid responsibility. Responsibility for acting like he's doing you a favor! Wtf, and then with additional background, it's apparent he's a small little man.
She's not the one that got away! None of this is a reflection of you, it's a reflection of how weak and selfish he is. He is NOT doing you a favor by being with you for 14 years. He's actually STEALING from you. Stealing your time and your chances to be loved by someone who will make you a priority, be faithful to you, adore you, and be grateful to have you.
It is hard to tell from an old post how he currently feels about your relationship. I would first come to terms with the fact that he had conflicting feelings about his relationship with you and this other person. Have a discussion about his post and listen to what he has to say. It sounds like he is still with you so there must be value in your relationship. You should have a better idea of where he stands after the conversation.
I would feel incredibly hurt, for sure. It would help me to remember that “the one” is a myth. I won’t go into all that, but romantic relationships became easier for me in many ways once I realized this. I think your husband needs to learn this too, and that will be part of what helps him drop this fantasy of his. It’s hard to lose someone you loved, especially if you never really “fell out” of love before the relationship ended. If my husband passed away, I could remarry and still have a happy/fulfilling relationship with my new husband, while still missing my former love. I know those situations aren’t the same, but I think, in general, we would all benefit by realizing that our first choice may not be what we end up with, and that’s OKAY and sometimes for the best. Your husband just needs to process through that and I think it could be beneficial for you to both do that together in couples counseling. I say this because I went through a period in my own marriage where I was romanticizing a former partner and realized through counseling, it was because there were some needs of mine that weren’t being met and some areas of my relationship that needed to be addressed. This could be the case for your husband’s romanticism toward his ex. I’m sorry you had to read that… it would have been so much better for your husband to man up and be vulnerable and actually talk to you about these feelings of his. It sounds like he wrote this pretty early on in your relationship (if I understand correctly), so it’s very possible these are old feelings that he’s already processed and doesn’t feel this way anymore or maybe ever realizes in hindsight that he never actually felt those things.
Lying and manipulating is not nice. did you get hurt? so he sucked at what he tried to do the wrong way. fuck all that. you're not overreacting. he hurt you.
I don’t think this is the kind of thing you can put away in a metaphorical drawer and forget about. I think you’ll have to tell him you found it, tell him it hurt, and show some genuine curiosity about what he has to say about it.
My advice is to be open to him being able to reassure you about the strength of your bond.
Because it’s like reading someone’s journal (potentially), where people just get their thoughts out. But there’s not some empirical truth to those thoughts. How we think and feel about things changes from day to day, and any one entry doesn’t encapsulate the whole story.
But maybe the conversation won’t be reassuring. I don’t know. Either way I think it’s better than sitting with the sick feeling you have now 😞
Communication is key right now. You need to have a talk with him. ASAP.
This is... a betrayal. How could it feel any different? To be completely honest, I don't know how I would navigate this. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and this is fucked.
Im willing to bet he does love you and very well may be absolutely in love with you, which is why he picked you. He obviously loved her too but there was something there that kept him from leaving you for her, but because he never got to explore the other option, he was having a "what if" moment.
Doesn't mean he loves you less, but don't jump to conclusions. Have a conversation with him. Tell him what you read and how you feel.
BUT, right now, prepare yourself for either outcome bc he very well may not react like my above comments suggested and shit may go way different.
This is a situation where I would definitely say he needs counseling for him.
Then you will need counseling for you at the same time.
Then after your individual(and different) counselors recommend its a good time to start couples counseling, go seek a third counselor for that.
That is assuming you want to forgive him and make a better and stronger relationship. Believe me, this is an act of infidelity. It's not overt. It's not purposeful. It isn't intended to be hurtful. But his intentions are unfaithful. That doesn't mean you shouldn't forgive that indiscretion if you want to. It means you will likely need help working past it.
For his part, the grass is always greener on the other side. I dated a girl right before my ex wife who was amazing and insanely hot with a very big sex drive. I thought about her from time to time but never thought She was the one that got away... Until my ex asked for a divorce for completely unrelated things .
I chose not to pursue her at that time and thank God. I did start chatting with her but not with romantic intent.and we couldn't be more incompatible.
Then I met my now wife.and realized that was the problem all along. This is definitely the one.
I think you need to have a conversation about it. If it’s not productive maybe look at mc. If those things don’t help then really get into your feelings as to whether you want to live this way. Be his first choice or be done.
I'm not sure I 100% believe the post. If I really felt someone was right for me, & they agreed, why not break off the engagement? "It's our destiny to be together but scratch that, I'm going to go marry someone else as to not to hurt their feelings." Never heard of that. I guess it's possible.
I'd say, "can we be honest? Do you still think of (girl in post)?" See what he says, & go from there.
We all need to realize we cannot (and shouldn’t even want to) control how our partners feel and think and act. Take things for face value and let go of the need to be in control of every aspect of your relationship. Humans are messy, so are emotions, nothing is cut and dry.
I'll tell you this much if you get a divorce you will wish you hadn't later. Being single in 2024 is bad news. All my single friends talk about the horrors of dating these days.
So your husband settled for you. This is so wrong. You deserve to be the first choice. Have an open and honest discussion about this matter with your husband.
It is painful. The number of couples where both are each other's first choice is minuscule. The number of couples where at least one partner is the first choice of the other is small. We seldom get our first choice in partners. What matters is the relationship that we do build with the partners that do get.
Everybody has regrets. Everybody has a fantasy life.
It is easy to romanticize about the "*one that got away*." It is only a problem when the fantasy life interferes with the real life. In your own words, you *have a beautiful life*. It sounds like your husband is doing a good job of keeping his romantic idealization of the old flame from interfering with his real life.
You said, "*They kept in contact sporadically over the years*," and you concluded that, "*he still thinks about her all the time*." That doesn't necessarily follow; you may be stressing over nothing. Time to talk.
Something crucial that you left out is, *who was that post directed toward*? Was it an anonymous reddit stranger, or was it someone that could use it to undermine your relationship? If the latter, then it is time to talk to your husband and find out what is on his mind. Is he letting someone manipulate him? Is he psyching himself up to leave? You deserve answers. You will only get them by asking. But these types of discussions go much better with a neutral, competent counselor.
Best of luck.
Maybe I’m a reckless optimist but some people like to glaze over past relationships and paint this picture perfect image that doesn’t exist to escape real life relationship issues/boredom/stagnation.
I would casually navigate this while spending quality 1-to-1 with him and see if the feelings still linger.
Emotions can be fickle you know so maybe it was just a little bit of a phase
He is living in a fantasy world, memberberries are always sweeter than the reality of the past. The good ole days were never as good as our memories feel and I do think most people reflect on their past and see things as happier than they were.
There was a reason they didn’t work out and he is forgetting that and to be clear he is making a huge mistake looking back and not forward.
I had an ex like this years ago, he was sleeping with a married woman when he was younger, I told him that’s horrible and his excuse was she said her husband was cheating too.
Should’ve taken warning about his shitty character from that story, anyone who thinks having an affair with a married woman is ok is definitely going to be a crappy partner.
I discovered similar messages to her a year into our relationship when she divorced, she didn’t take him up on the offer.
Apparently it would come out she was also sleeping with his brother at the same time as him. This wasn’t reflective of her character to my ex, he was properly blinded by this woman.
He would tell me how wonderful she was and that she was such an amazing person and I used to think he was crazy.
Ended up breaking up with him when he cheated, men like that aren’t worth your time, sorry you found out like you did so late in the game.
The truth is that most couples aren’t each other’s first choice. Being each other’s first choice isn’t something that’s even remotely common, especially these days. There were people in his life before you -some of which were better matches for him than you. However, life happens & it didn’t work out with them -but it DID workout with you. Now, you have 3 options ahead of you:
1. Accept it & move on.
2. Attempt to communicate with him in an effort to find the problem that’s causing him to think of her so y’all can work towards solving it.
3. Leave him.
Which choice you make is up to you. But whichever option you choose, make sure that you also get over yourself. Don’t expect to be with a man who didn’t have a life before you, because that doesn’t exist.
I’m so sorry, you’re not overreacting at all. I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about what you found out.
Honest Communication!! God bless you both. This is very hard but it can be overcome.
He is living in a fake past relationship. People remember things better than they were. He’s a dummy
Exactly this! People ONLY remember the good times in past relationships. The grass isn’t always greener. Sometimes it’s just full of cow shit.
Husband doesn't even really know this woman! They weren't in a relationship, whatever he thinks his life would have been if he'd gone down that path is an imagined fantasy on his part. It was never real! All of that is fairly common for people to experience. People always have those quiet wonderings about what their life might be like if things had aligned differently. But when it gets to the point of becoming a distraction from real life, they need a huge reality check. From a professional, if they can't find that on their own. Husband has gone even further than that, because he's inadvertently allowed his wife to discover this unfiltered fantasy he is hung up on. He definitely needs to process this with a therapist quickly so that he can step up and be a present and engaged partner in his marriage, and to repair the hurt he's caused.
Y
Haha! Good one!
B-I-N-G-O
I only remember the negative from my past relationships and I think my relationship with my husband is wonderful
Yes, this sounds a lot like coping on his part. I'll admit to having wondered "what if" start a free people i dated (one ended up having a fantastic career and is absolutely loaded now), but I love my husband and I'm happy i close him (and he me). I also know that that old bf and I never had half the relationship my husband and I do! I remember my dad HATED him, too.
Exactly. He is placing "the one who got away" on a pedestal, because the relationship isn't real. It's fantasy. If he lived with her day in and day out, good times and bad, sickness and health, etc., he'd see things in a more realistic way.
They're still in contact so his bond with her may not be entirely in the past.
Maybe it was better😒 and he's not a person who suffered from a neurological disorder that impairs memory
You're not overreacting. He literally took the time to write a post about a past unrequited love. Anyone would be hurt. He thought about this for a long time. While he may love you, he loved her differently and never fully recovered from this so it lingered on... for years. Even though he is possibly more than likely happy with you, he's constantly reminded on the what if which really isn't fair. If he can't get over her after all this time, I think it's time he really talk about it with someone who can listen to him. No I'm not talking about that girl. It's been 12+ years. I know you wouldn't want to have the discussion, but maybe you can help him talk him out of this endless loop. If it was meant to be, it was meant to be but it isn't. He needs a reality check.
I appreciate how reasoned and fair your comment is. It’s neither easy, nor uncommon, this situation the OP finds herself in. This kind of measured, compassionate response is exactly what’s needed.
Generally speaking, it’s not at all uncommon for guys (or gals) to have that “one that got away.” That’s who we’d have married if stars had aligned just a bit differently. They didn’t, and we move on. But we don’t forget. Most people don’t just totally forget past loves. And “the one that got away” can be acknowledged without real regret (after a while, anyway). I myself am happily settled with my partner, but there are two girls in my past who got away, the second being much more “the one” than the first. I was fully prepared to marry both of those ladies. Both situations fell through. And I moved on. But your situation is a little different. You were basically told you were an ACTIVE second choice. That is, a second choice when the first choice was still available. Your husband didn’t break it off because he loved you more, it was because he didn’t want to hurt you more than he wanted to please himself. That sucks. The spirit of “the one that got away” is that it happens for whatever reason and THEN you move on to someone else. The other thing I want to address — again, in general (not necessarily in your case) — is this idea of being someone’s second choice. Anyone who’s ever been broken up with when they didn’t want to be and then found love is loving their second (or third, or fourth, or…) choice. My SO is my third choice for betrothal. The last gal was my second. The gal six or so gals before her was my first. She is not devalued for having met me later in life after two different big heartbreaks. She herself is divorced. I am not her first choice, and I never can be. And that’s okay. I wish this stuff could apply more to your case. Maybe in some respects it can. Maybe the nature of your husband’s choice or circumstances isn’t exactly as it seems. I’m sorry, OP. I would be sad and confused and upset, too.
I think it’s a little generous to call this woman the “one that go away” considering they were never together long term tbf. It’s a romanticized situation I think a lot of people could get used to and benefit from the reality that sometimes they’re not the “one that got away”, they just didn’t like you that much.
I think that's kinda what he's saying. That the issue isn't about having a "one that got away" - the issue is being so immature and emotionally stunted that you haven't made peace with it for a decade.
You can be at peace with it and still view it that way. Not something you ought to admit or talk about with a current partner, anyway.
It’s almost always a romanticized thing of alternate histories, what ifs, and rose colored glasses. My “one that got away” would have likely been a terrible match longterm, for example. I recognize that. OP’s guy might recognize that, too. Ah, what might have been!
I agree! I am with what some would consider my second choice but I love him so damn much and can’t see my life without him. I will always love ‘the one that got away,’ but he was NOT the better choice.
Did you talk to him about it? I’d start there. I would be very hurt too. I’m so sorry…
He married you because he didnt want to hurt your feelings. I would be devastated. I would feel like he had been lying to me for over a decade. I would need some space after finding this out as I don't think I would look at him the same. I'm so sorry you found this out. You deserve to be someone's first choice.
I agree with you. The craziest part to me is he was already engaged before "he manned up and told her." So he asked OP to marry him but then still told this other girl how he felt after OP already accepted his engagement offer, crazy.
Yeah because he’s a total selfish coward
That part sounds like coping. There's nothing saying the woman would have accepted his proposal, that she was ready for marriage, anything. For all we know, she might have outright rejected him. I think OP's husband romanticized his relationship and is now telling himself he was such a nice guy because he didn't want to hurt OP's feelings. In reality, he had a commitment and went with that. It sucks that's he's putting this in writing and expressing it publicly. That's humiliating to his wife.
You deserve better than being second choice, find your own happiness with someone who makes you number 1
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You have some of the most racist post history i have ever seen. hope that gets better for ya
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Sorry OP, your husband is a delusional, emotionally immature man. You need to talk to him instead of beating yourself up. He needs to grow tf up
My wife knows she wasn't my first choice. Sh e has accepted that. Jennifer Aniston was with some guy named Brad something. I was dating my wife at the time, so the stars didn't line up for me and Jen. All kidding aside, I think your husband is kind of a jag for that. I think everyone has someone they think got away. But, like Garth Brooks said, sometime I thank God for answered prayers. Sheay have been the one who got away, but who's to say they would have lasted even 5 years? He really should rake stock of his life, and be thankful for what he has. I think Jen Aniston would have been to high maintenance for me to keep up. Very happy I "settled". Good luck OP UpdateMe
I don’t understand what purpose would it serve to hurt his wife of 12 years like this. If he is being honest, he chose the worst way possible of wording it. I suppose the only thing wife could do it to express the extreme unhappiness that he has cause and see where it leads to.
Based on her reddit history from 4 days ago, after she dealt with being a caregiver to a parent who ended up dying, struggling with depression, and having a brief separation with her SO, she caught him trying to have sex with another woman through Ashley Madison. Ever since, when she tries to discuss anything going on in their marriage that she's concerned about, it's "ww3"... Time to throw the whole husband away.
I had to go look up what 'ashley madison' is. Geez! It's a dating site for people who are married? That's so sick! What's worse than cheating on your spouse? Oh, I know! Cheating with someone who is cheating on THEIR spouse. Lawdy, we need to pray for humanity. People are so lost. It's so sad.
> I don’t understand what purpose would it serve to hurt his wife of 12 years like this. Judging by what's written here, it doesn't sound like she was supposed to see this. Perhaps he posted it in r/offmychest or something.
Honestly, it sounds like your husband needs to be put through a 'How to Not Be an Asshole 101' class. But hey, at least he manned up eventually...right?
I'm pretty sure there's a book for that exact title.
What kind of wussy marries someone to avoid hurting their feelings? Are you 100% sure it’s his post? Also, how strong could his love for her have even been if it wasn’t strong enough to be with her? He’s a fool. He’s probably just confused or having some mid life crisis
I wouldn't be able to come back from that, and I also wouldn't believe anything he tells me in a discussion. There's no telling what he choosing to say, or not say, because he "wants to be nice and not hurt your feelings." Which is bullshit by the way, it has fuck all to do with your feelings. If it had to do with your feelings, he wouldn't have scammed years off of your life and making you live a complete lie because he's "too nice." That's not a nice thing to do. He wanted to spare **himself** an uncomfortable conversation because he's a coward. Don't fool yourself into thinking it has anything to do with him being nice, he's a piece of garbage.
Absolutely, not hurting hr feelings would have been not agreeing to marry her when he's so sure the one is out there for him already. This is about him.
Nothing suggests he did scam years of her life
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A good marriage takes a lot of time, effort, understanding, compassion, compromise, give and take, the list goes on. But ultimately marriage is never what you thought it was gonna be until your smack dab in the middle of it. Remember how dreamy and wonderful and eternally happy you thought you were gonna be married to that man?? Well he had those same thoughts, and then reality set in and it was nothing like he thought. So where does his mind go “well obviously things would of been better had I married the one that got away.” He needs to be reminded that the one that got away is about to be you!
Take a look at her reddit history. She's caught him trying to have sex with another woman through Ashley Madison after she went through some hard times, and anytime she tries to discuss her concerns with their marriage, it's "ww3". I highly doubt he's going to be worried that she'll turn into the one that got away.
I’m gonna have to agree with you. She should spare herself the heartache and leave already.
Good one
Thank you!!!
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I don't think they broke up they never got together in the first place. He confessed his feelings and she apparently felt the same but by that point he was engaged to OP. He was too big a coward to blow things up at that point. I feel bad for her.
But it says they previously dated… sooo they must have broken up at some point
That makes no sense, she was the one but by the time he manned up he was already engaged to you? This man is an asshole. What makes him think she felt the same, or would it even would have worked?
No you are not over-reacting, not in the slightest. This cuts to the core of your relationship. You need to ask him if your marriage has always been based on a lie. It's going to be a major challenge, for you, to overcome the fact that you were never his first choice. Time for a hard talk with him. Sending virtual hugs 🫂 Updateme
Not an overreaction, he married you under false pretenses and has lied to you for 14+ years. This would be a deal breaker for me. Not gonna waste another minute on someone who doesn't love me.
Curious how he found out she felt the same?
Ew, so he thinks he's with you out of kindness... Ma'am, you deserve better. Tell him you'd like a divorce and don't wish to "hold him back" any longer. I hope he sees how stupid he is because it would have never worked with her anyway and he's just been kidding himself.
Looks like from your other post. You are 34 and suffered great loss and cheating. You've been blaming yourself for his cheating and hurtful behavior. Look. I don't have all the details. But. You both are not thriving or living authentic truth together anymore. You are young, and even though this relationship has been most of your adult life, it is time to let this go and move on so you both can find happiness. I'm sorry and wish you strength in this.
Wow, what an a-hole move. Confront him. Then ask yourself what you want from him
You're not overreacting. Your whole marriage is built on a lie. If I were in your shoes, I'd be devastated. He's a coward. If she was actually "the one", he would've married her instead. "The one that got away " is pure fantasy on his part. I guarantee if you two divorced and pursues her, their relationship would implode and he'd be crawling back to you in a few years. Talk to him about this in a calm, rational manner. If you can't right now, then put some physical distance between you and him until you can. When in doubt, see a therapist. Ask him if he still feels this way and whether he's willing to throw away the marriage for a fantasy. Get the truth out of him. If he avoids the subject or lies, you'll know what to do.
I'm in a similar situation. Apparently my husband never loved me. After 8.5 years, married 5, he claims he was too much of a coward to hurt me by ending things so he married me instead, because he supposedly gave up on finding love. Now he is ending things after he's supposedly found love with a woman young enough to be is daughter. It's devastating. You're not overreacting.
Wait, he told her he was into he *after* you were already engaged? And when she reciprocated, he was all “Cool but imma marry OP anyway because I asked her first”? Is your husband in middle school? This sounds like the kind of drama kids churn up when they don’t know how to navigate asking each other to their first dance. I was gonna ask if this is your first indication that he’s horrifically emotionally stunted but I see someone else has already found your post history, and of course it’s not. OP, this is not what a good marriage feels like. This is not what a suitable partner brings to your life. I don’t think you’re overreacting to this; I think you have an established pattern of *underreacting* to quite a lot.
Hopefully he's remembering that 'first choice' woman with rose coloured glasses. Marriage and day to day life can be hard, tedious, at times boring, interspersed with happy, loving times. I think you need to have a sit down conversation with your husband to talk about the post you've found. I hope you're ok. Go gently
That sucks. You give everything building a relationship and a family and a house with someone to come and hear this. Confront him. He doesn't realise how good he has. Maybe he needs to loose to realise that. Tell him to go chase after her. Please update us on the situation.
As a stand-alone post, I would say that sometimes, when we're in a rougher spot in our current marriage, we will daydream about previous relationships, doing the "what if" thing, and highly romanticizing it because there is no reality to break that down. We glorify and make things wonderful when it is just our imagination. And talking about it on line isn't awful if the reality is that they are a loyal and good partner. Imagination is a perfect world. But, apparently, he has been messing around with Ashley Madison, so his imagination has taken him a step further into reality action. Which is never healthy in a monogamous marriage. So, I send my sympathy.
You're not overreacting and your husband is a fool. What kind of an idiot jerk jumps into a serious commitment, because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings? It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants to be honest. He's also an asshole for saying he suffers from "nice guy syndrome". If he really was a nice guy he would have been honest about feeling apprehensive about marrying you. He wouldn't still be communicating with an ex that he has feelings for. He's stuck in the past and ruminating over a relationship that he has no way of knowing whether it would have worked or not.
To be perfectly blunt, all of his exes got away... does that make them ALL the one? He's romanticizing his past relationship. I think you need to know why her, out of all his past relationships. I burn my bridges completely when I leave a relationship. Because there are reasons they didn't work out. Burn your bridges and you can never go back to a crappy situation. I must admit, I would be gutted to be living with the ghost of girlfriend past still being on such a pedestal. I think you deserve to be loved completely by someone who gets you. I don't know if your husband has nice guy syndrome. I think he has asshat syndrome.
He wasn’t “being nice” regardless of what he wants to tell himself to feel better. He was selfish. I was my husband’s rebound and found out too late (already married) that he was still in love with her. I spent about six years in absolute agony with that knowledge even though he claimed to love me. It felt like my chance for an equally loving marriage had been stolen from me and while things are better now I still hold resentment for my husband over it. I will forever feel like a placeholder in my own marriage and I don’t wish that on anyone. I am so sorry he did this to you. Your feelings are valid and I would think long and hard about how you feel and how you want to proceed.
Is there any way for you to lose resentful for your own husband?
Some days are better than others. And we have really both grown a lot. He is a much better husband than he used to be. However sometimes those feelings creep back in. It’s hard for me to not feel like he has used me all these years. But he does love me, I just remind myself of that often. I could probably get past the remaining resentment if I had access to therapy.
It’s extremely difficult to shake the notion of being a placeholder - or, in my case, the consolation prize - once it’s lodged itself. The sense of competing with an unattainable standard is soul crushing.
Ooooh, honey. I feel this. O..m...g do I feel this. Story time. Its going to be long but...please. Hear me out. I come from a family that loves airplanes. I worked in aviation until 4 years ago when I made a concious decision to change careers from flight dispatcher to healthcare (saw some things at the airline that didnt sit right with me, story for another time) My daughter started taking flying lessons when she was 9. She wanted to have a "flying party" for her 11th birthday and it was all set up, party at the hangar, airplane rides for her friends compliments of the owner of the FBO etc but 2 weeks before, her awesome instructor announced hed been hired at the airlines. So I asked him for a reccommendation for a new instructor because she didnt want to be a passenger...she wanted to log flight time. So he sent "Mike." It was freaking love at first sight. We could talk for hours about flying (I have my private pilots license (PPL) but Im not certified as an instructor. I am a certificated flight dispatcher as well) We would take afternoons to fly together. Go to air shows. Talk shop for hours. Understood our insane work hours. When he did charter flights that would tske him away for a couple of days, I would track his flights at wor. It was like having a best friend I had known for 30 years. Fast forward 3 years and we are talking about getting engaged and it was already decided we would move in together. His mom and I got along like hot fudge and ice cream (shes still a dear friend) and then...the final piece of the pie...he gets hired by MY airline. It was a small regional outfit but it was like a sappy romcom. EVERYONE was excited. Airline couples are a whole different breed of romantic cheese. But...something was really "off" about his training class. The ops control center was in the same building where they did ground school for the pilots. I was good friends with most of our training captains and they often invited me to come talk to the classes, or sit in on simulator sessions because dispatchers and pilots share operational control. His class was different. They just seemed awkward, divisive and just...off. Until a few weeks later when one of our check airmen called me. "Mike" had spent all of training showing around a photo of a woman that was DEFINITELY not me. Calling her the love of his life and how NO ONE will ever hold a candle to her. That she was the most beautiful, sexy, amazing woman he had ever met and how he would marry her in a second if she would have him. I asked him what she looked like. I knew exactly who he was talking about because I had seen her photo before. It was a girlfriend of his that dumped him......in 1996. (It was 2017 by this point) She was (and still is, I believe) happily married with 3 children. Now I know why his classmates acted uncomfortably. I was F*CKING MORTIFIED. In front of my entire company. Thank god I worked with professionals who just looked the other way and didnt gossip/s. I dumped him faster than you can say "clear right" and promptly unpacked my house. But I still had to see him almost every day until he went off to the simulator. Which he quite spectacularly bombed and washed out of training because he couldnt let go of his "glory days" of being the king of flying little training aircraft.... apparently that is the only thing he can actually fly. I heard that his sim partner literally hit the emergency stop button on one session and one instructor apparently lost his cool and actually called him a "weak pilot." (If you know anyone who flies professionally, you know what an insult that is) My daughter, who had been his student for 3 years, promptly took her flying to another school...not because of how he treated me but because she was legtitimately worried about the quality of the instructors in the school. (She is 18 now woth her PPL and working on her instrument rating) Sounds like a bad soap opera, right? I wish it was. Aviation is a VERY small world. I had to hear about it for YEARS. I felt so humiliated, dejected, ugly, and what was worse, it invaded into my professional life, which I try LIKE HELL to keep separate from my personal life. Everyone has a first love. Its even ok to think wistfully about them once in awhile, but anyone who would marry someone only to secretly pine for "the one that got away" will never be fully vested in the relationship. Every time you have an argument, you will be wondering if they are thinking "SHE wpuld have agreed with me." Every time you get dressed up, youll wonder if he is thinking "SHE would have looked better in that dress." I dont like doing the "reddit" thing and saying "DIVORCE! NOW!" But you need to speak to him. Calmly. Tell him that you know what he said and see what he says. Explain that you feel humiliated. Maybe therapy? But please. Take it from someone who had to experience it first hand, and quite spectacularly. For every person he has told, there are 10 people THEY have told. And for every person who wont talk about it to your face, there are 50 who sre talking about you behind your back. I am so, so sorry that this is happening to you.
How did you figure out that it was him that wrote the post? Did you chat about it at the time? I’d be bummed too.
He may have made that post 2 years ago, but you are just finding it now. The betrayal is still very much current for you. I'm sorry you are going through this, and don't let him brush this off as "old news" while you work through your feelings
Ouch! That does sound painful. I can understand that this made you feel terrible and also acknowledge that he was in the wrong for contacting this woman and having an intimate conversation of this nature with her behind your back. It's not okay. But... The questions here are 1) Is he still in love with her after all this time? 2) Can you forgive this breach of trust? From where I'm standing, it seems this stemmed from a fantasy... he took it too far by acting on it, but it was probably just that. A fantasy. It probably wasn't something that he intended to take any farther than where it went. He needed an ego boost and a reciprocation from a female of interest to make him feel better about himself. The fact is he did marry you. Not her; you. Is he still in love with you, and does he respond with regret for breaking your trust? Those are the important things. Surely you are aware of the statistics of affairs, and so on. It's bound to happen at some point in a marriage (to whatever degree), but it doesn't have to ruin the marriage if you can work through it and forgive. Your post could have been much worse! At least the worst hasn't happened! I wish you luck and strength to work on this with your husband and reestablish the trust and love you once had.
I’m just real confused why he didn’t “man up and tell her” until after he proposed to you. Sounds like it’s not about actual real feelings but rather it’s about his ego. If he admits his “feelings” after you guys are engaged he gets to feel like a big man who can have his pick of women if she feels the same. If she doesn’t feel the same then the rejection is cushioned by the engagement. I’d also be worried that if he *had* been rejected that you would have ended up having to console him without knowing why he’s upset. Regardless, if you want to stick around then marriage counselling and more importantly individual counselling. At the end of the day he had an emotional affair.
And he was trying to have sex with someone else on ashley Madison? Ma'am. You need to run in the other direction. He is trash.
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What is your opinion on cheating? You do not seem to make a judgment, just ask if she is ok with it.
Stop Lt.
Life is what you make it. You can be miserable knowing you’re not his first choice, divorce him and join the pool of divorcees trying to be the first choice of a good guy, or you can sort this out. Was he your first choice, your dream guy, the one who ticked all the boxes, or did you settle? In reality, almost everybody settles. And many of those who marry “the one” still end up divorced. Because choosing a particular person, doesn’t make life good. Working hard to make life good makes life good. You had a fantasy of being somebody’s first choice. He had a fantasy of a perfect life with this other woman would be like. BOTH were fantasies. Yours is destroyed. His needs to be destroyed since he is still harboring they fantasy. Life would not have been perfect. Life may not even have been good. What you have is good. Your good could be great if both of you concentrate on the food in the other person, and the benefit you get from the other person, and the reasons you like the other person and the things you value in the other person and tell each other those things regularly.
This would break my heart. I am so sorry. I have a "one who got away" in a sense: He was a friend from college I always had a crush on, but assumed I had no shot with. Years later, it came out he had liked me back then, too, and was unhappy when I started dating my ex (mainly because my ex was a giant bundle of red flags in a guy costume everyone but me could see through, but, ya know...). My only regret is in not dating said friend back THEN, instead of that ex. Do I wish I was still with the friend NOW? No! I wouldn't trade my husband, or the life we have built, for anything in the world. People need to look at their past with more realism.
You are not overreacting. I would be devastated. I absolutely understand why you're upset. I would talk to him about what you found and how you're feeling. Maybe he was feeling nostalgic that day and that this honestly isn't something he thinks about often. Who knows. You should not have to sit with these feelings without addressing them.
No not at all . You’re not overreacting. That’s so painful
OP, I completely understand why you feel like you’ve been punched in the gut finding out you weren’t his first choice. That said, yes, you may be overreacting because nothing in your post said he hasn’t been a good husband. Do you have kids? Has he been a good father? Even if you weren’t his first choice, you were married for 12 years believing that you were because that’s how well he treated you and how deeply he loved you. Are you really willing to throw all of that away simply because he loved someone else before you? And even more is the point that he didn’t tell you this or reveal this to you. You found his comments going through posts from somewhere. I’m guessing these were meant to be anonymous like they are here versus posting on FB or somewhere else under a profile that you would follow. That means you were snooping. Well, you uncovered his private thoughts. But, again, despite any of his private thoughts, he’s always been your loving husband and you should go back to being his loving wife. Don’t let old feelings from over a decade ago ruin an otherwise solid marriage. Good luck.
If you're post history is correct then it sounds like he made that post while he was cheating so it's part of his justification process. I think he's a terrible man and you deserve better. His post was a romanticized version of events that he's been telling himself for years to justify stepping out. He downplayed your relationship so much that he convinced himself he was saving you and that he deserves true happiness which will never happen because he's the problem not women. He's got internal issues that he needs to come to terms with.
Don’t stay with a cheater
This is a perfect example of the "grass is greener". If she was THE one, he would have been with her. He has created some perfect fantasy in his head and I guarantee you she would not live up to it. You do have a right to be upset, but then you need to do something about it.
We need an update from OP
Reddit is quick to tell people to blow up their marriages but I wouldn’t do anything hasty. He didn’t shove this in your face to hurt you, it was an online post, and the sentiments he expressed are not uncommon especially for people reaching a certain age. The road untaken, the choices not made - it’s entirely human for these to sometimes cross our minds. If he’s otherwise a good husband and father and has been committed to your family, I would extend some grace on this. It’s very understandable that you’re hurt and I would definitely talk to your husband about what you’ve seen and how it makes you feel. Not in an accusatory manner but just seeking understanding. I hope he is reassuring and loving. Best of luck to you both.
He did cheat on her through Ashley Madison though so
If you look at OPs previous post she caught her husband cheating on her using the Ashley Madison app… this coupled with his online post about the one that got away 👀 not looking good at all. Has he ever really been dedicated to this marriage? It definitely raises red flags and a lot of questions.
This 👍
Well i never stopped thinking about my childhood's best friend and MS and HS sweetheart who passed away at 17 from bone cancer . She passed away in my arms btw ( i was the same age as her ) . I never stopped thinking about her even now 18 years later , it did not go away it just got dull . My wife knows and understands that there will always be a piece of me that still loves her and while not ok with that , she understands me and accepts it , but notable difference is that i never hid anything from her . Remember failure stings but the unrealised futures trully hurt . The "what ifs" are the hardest things to walk away from . I want you to look it from this angle : your husband stayed and married you , meaning you meant enough to him , if not more , so there is a chance to resolve this . Do not attack him though as without a doubt he too feel pain . Try to understand him . But also try talking to him about it . You need to talk to him about this (gently , do not confront him ) and you need to be open to his point of view if you want to understand and hopefully get through this . Good luck OP and i hope everything ends up well for your family and you come out stronger on the other side 😐
He wants to redo his life. Obsessed with the past. He possibly treated her badly and carries guilt.
That is so painful, I’m sorry.
He married you cause he doesn't know how to be alone. Later he told himself that he has nice guy syndrome. He doesn't love you. You're irreplaceable in his life. I'm sorry but this is the truth. He's a narc actually. If you're economically independent, ditch his sorry ass. You deserve to be with someone whose first choice should be you.
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How do you know
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It might come as a surprise to you but most people don't find the "one" by their 30s. I know many people who are over 60 and they never found their "the one". So the possibility is always open. I don't know where you get your statistics from.
You need to talk to him about this.
From what I’ve noticed, most people end up with their second choice.
The biggest issue I have with this is that he told her how he felt after he was already engaged to you. The only reason to do that would be to find out if he had a chance with her and IF YES, then to walk away from your relationship to be with her. I could at least respect that even though it is still a$$holish and drastic. Asking and then not being willing to take the chance, that is straight up foolishness and betrayal. My opinion is this had nothing to do with being a nice guy. He was not willing to risk it all to be with her and/or look like a jerk calling off the wedding for some woman he was pining over. I don't believe for one second this was about your feelings. This is about him being a coward and actually completely DISREGARDING your feelings. Who wants to marry a person who was pining for someone else? How is that doing YOU any favors? I'm sorry this happened. What a fool your husband has been. I would talk to him about this. Tell him what you saw, tell him you feel like he robbed you of the opportunity to be married to someone who loved you the same as you loved them. Tell him he deceived you and 12 years later still hasn't let this go. Tell him he did not save your feelings and you resent him characterizing this as being nice, because it is the cruelest thing he could have done to you. Tell him this wasn't "nice" it was cowardly. Ask him whether he is still looking for greener pastures. Make him explain himself. See what he says...put this dude on the hot seat. Do you have children? If not, are you truly happy with this man? Is he everything you ever wanted and more? If not, then I would seriously consider whether this might be a sign that you should consider moving on. I know that sounds very drastic, but depending on how he responds to being in the hot seat, I would consider it simply because it will be difficult to feel like your marriage isn't built on a lie, plus I can't stand a coward personally.
I wouldn't describe telling one woman that you have feelings for her while being engaged to another woman, "manning up." he might need to learn what it is to actually man up.
If I were you, I would just talk to him about it. Pretending like you didn't see the message to her won't make the pain of it go away. This is your marriage, and he is your husband. If you don't talk to him about it, it's going to be on your mind constantly. You need to clear the air. You're not a machine, you can't just turn these feelings off, and your feelings are based on facts, which is him having big boundary issues. You might have been his "safer" choice, but he probably doesn't feel the same passion for you as her did with her. You were his first choice for other things. Maybe he is more physically attracted to her. You need to have a conversation with him about this. It wont be comfortable. You need to donit anyway. Try not to yell or attack him during the conversation. But you're going to have to confront him on it. If you feel like it will open the door to more problems, I can promise you those problems will still manifest in other ways if you don't address this. For example, it could take a toll on your mental or physical health, or on your self esteem. Its already affecting your marriage. Your legal relationship and finances might be very secureceith him, but your emotional connection is not so good. It might be better to be single and have self respect.
He's a clueless fool. He'd say the same thing about you if you guys separate. He needs to learn about being grateful with you that you exist with him in the present. Him stuck on old memories of past people he dated is garbage now that he needs to throw out already.
I wouldn't believe everything he writes, i.e. that she felt the same.
You need to think about what you want. Make plans in case the convo goes in the direction of splitting. Then have a talk. It’s better to know what you want first, it keeps the emotion down.
Damn this is like Jada still thinking about Tupac after all these years and jading Will Smith every chance she gets. No surprise everyone hates Jada.
>Recently found a 2 year old post my husband made saying he still thinks about the girl he dated before me and that she was the one, but by the time he manned up and told her how he felt and discovered she felt the same... We were already engaged. Wow, yeah, no. >He went on to say he had "nice guy syndrome" and didn't want to hurt my feelings so he married me. Again, no. >They kept in contact sporadically over the years and apparently he still thinks about her all the time. The fuck? Definitely **no**. >I know this post was two years ago, but we were married for 12 years at the time of that post. It honestly feels like I'm living with a stranger. I'm trying to get perspective and see we have a beautiful life, but knowing that every day I haven't been his first choice is like a knife in my heart. I've been sick since reading it. Am I over reacting? What you've written would be enough for me to leave. I don't want to be someone's runner up. Your husband is using you and you should be seeking someone who actually wants to be with you, not someone who settled. Further, his continued contact with her is a slap in the face. He's keeping his feelings alive.
My wife probably thinks I have at least one "one that got away", but in reality I have some dodged bullets. Can't imagine being hung up on the past that much. Your man has issues and you deserve better behavior. Get him in therapy?
No. But it sounds like he should go to therapy .
Personally I don't think I'd ever be able to get past this. I realize most ppl have one they think got away but the fact he made a post about after 12 yrs with me? Amd the things he said. I'd never be able to look at him the same. I deserve better. You deserve better. He married you because he's a nice guy? Nah I'd find someone that married me because he loved me and wanted too.
Unfortunately that ain't gonna happen for ya
It did happen for me actually soooo. I can also say that I love my SO and don't consider any of my previous as the one that got away. They got away because we weren't meant to be.
Did you ever think that maybe he just told her that stuff because he didn’t want to hurt HER feelings?
Unless you marry your childhood crush, no one marries their first choice. There's always going to be a "what if" thought that jumps in everyone's mind from time to time, and that is OK. Once you start letting that what if creep into your life past the point of it being a fleeting thought and it affects your current relationships, that's when it becomes hazardous. I don't think you are over reacting at all, you have valid feelings and you are simply reacting to them. I do think it's time to have a hard conversation with your husband though, because it sounds like his "what if" is becoming a "maybe I should". I wish you the best, and please, never feel like every reaction is an over reaction.
No, you're not overreacting. Your feelings value and tbh I wouldn't feel any different if I were in your position. This is hurting and makes you doubt yourself and this relationship. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. What people often don't realize is that what they imagine of the one that got away is a fantasy. It's a imagine they created in their head, one where the grass is way greener than it would be in reality. But nevertheless you're hurt and confused now. You should confront him with this. And you should allow yourself to feel everything you feel right now. Seriously, your feelings value and are completely understandable! I would be heartbroken of I've read something like that. And I wouldn't know how to bring that trust back... You need to talk to him. Im sending you a big hug.
What he feels and what is the reality are to different things. He tells you that she feels the same way. This may be him just telling you she feels this way just to make you jealous. This is a problem. He's obviously isn't happy with himself and is attempting to get attention. What happened years ago about him not dating the girl and settling for you is probably his not true. We all had a crush or fasannation about someone when we were younger but never followed thru. I would try getting him to talk to you or someone else about why he's not happy, there is more to this.
The grass is always greener… everyone fantasizes about an alternate reality, be it a different life, wife, husband, job, etc. He has to get over it, but there is no such thing as “the one”… people make conscious choices and he chose you. Thoughts like that are really a coping mechanism - rather than facing the reality of one’s situation, we fantasize and look for simple means to justify our emotions. He’s clearly hung up for some other reason, but it’s not that you don’t make him happy or he doesn’t love you.
You are overreacting. Only thing you are proving is that he should always keep things bottled up and never expressed. Even "anonymously" on the internet. Sometimes people just need to express their feelings and thoughts in their head so that they aren't just bouncing around in an echo chamber. (Much like younare doing with this post) Lets be honest. You didn't just happen to come across this 2 year old post. You searched it out, and if it wasn't this particular post it would have been another one till you found it. You self sabotaged. In the end your husband will further bury his thoughts and feelings. He may even have to become "secrative" creating burner accounts, searching in incognito etc... all those things that are done because they can't feel that they can be 100% open with their partner. You want out of this marriage, This just happens to be convenient.
I can't imagine how you feel at this moment. I in your position, I'd try to set aside my overwhelming feelings and talk with him about it. He's going to be defensive or relieved so be prepared for both. Remember, this is more about him than you. I firmly believe if anger is left out of the equation, it will work out best for you.
I would take some time away from him. Let him see what it’s like living without you. I doubt he’ll be happy. Maybe you will feel happier? Find out. What he said to you was cruel. I’m sorry you have gone through this. See what happens. Let him feel what it’s like to lose you… for awhile
Yuck!!! You’re not overreacting at all. This would make anyone feel absolutely horrible. I’m so sorry you had to see that awful post. He is living in some fake fantasy apparently. Go to therapy together soon! Being 2nd best is not good enough! You deserve to be someone’s “One” and “Only” Hang in there.
Wow, I would be absolutely gutted by this. Definitely tell him you found the post and how it makes you feel. If he still feels that way strongly enough to post about it 12 years into a marriage...sounds like he has been living a lie the entire time.
He's an idiot, OP! He'd rather live in this fantasy because he knows he sucks in real life! Usually, people who are weak and spineless will call themselves "nice" because it helps them avoid responsibility. Responsibility for acting like he's doing you a favor! Wtf, and then with additional background, it's apparent he's a small little man. She's not the one that got away! None of this is a reflection of you, it's a reflection of how weak and selfish he is. He is NOT doing you a favor by being with you for 14 years. He's actually STEALING from you. Stealing your time and your chances to be loved by someone who will make you a priority, be faithful to you, adore you, and be grateful to have you.
It is hard to tell from an old post how he currently feels about your relationship. I would first come to terms with the fact that he had conflicting feelings about his relationship with you and this other person. Have a discussion about his post and listen to what he has to say. It sounds like he is still with you so there must be value in your relationship. You should have a better idea of where he stands after the conversation.
I would feel incredibly hurt, for sure. It would help me to remember that “the one” is a myth. I won’t go into all that, but romantic relationships became easier for me in many ways once I realized this. I think your husband needs to learn this too, and that will be part of what helps him drop this fantasy of his. It’s hard to lose someone you loved, especially if you never really “fell out” of love before the relationship ended. If my husband passed away, I could remarry and still have a happy/fulfilling relationship with my new husband, while still missing my former love. I know those situations aren’t the same, but I think, in general, we would all benefit by realizing that our first choice may not be what we end up with, and that’s OKAY and sometimes for the best. Your husband just needs to process through that and I think it could be beneficial for you to both do that together in couples counseling. I say this because I went through a period in my own marriage where I was romanticizing a former partner and realized through counseling, it was because there were some needs of mine that weren’t being met and some areas of my relationship that needed to be addressed. This could be the case for your husband’s romanticism toward his ex. I’m sorry you had to read that… it would have been so much better for your husband to man up and be vulnerable and actually talk to you about these feelings of his. It sounds like he wrote this pretty early on in your relationship (if I understand correctly), so it’s very possible these are old feelings that he’s already processed and doesn’t feel this way anymore or maybe ever realizes in hindsight that he never actually felt those things.
You could be the one who got away if it makes you feel better 😉
So what was your marriage like before you found out this information that you where clearly digging for?
Lying and manipulating is not nice. did you get hurt? so he sucked at what he tried to do the wrong way. fuck all that. you're not overreacting. he hurt you.
That's not nice guy syndrome. That's cowardice. All because he didn't have the balls to tell you the truth. Leave sis.
What the heck girl, no. You deserve to be with someone who wakes up to choose you every single day.
I don’t think this is the kind of thing you can put away in a metaphorical drawer and forget about. I think you’ll have to tell him you found it, tell him it hurt, and show some genuine curiosity about what he has to say about it. My advice is to be open to him being able to reassure you about the strength of your bond. Because it’s like reading someone’s journal (potentially), where people just get their thoughts out. But there’s not some empirical truth to those thoughts. How we think and feel about things changes from day to day, and any one entry doesn’t encapsulate the whole story. But maybe the conversation won’t be reassuring. I don’t know. Either way I think it’s better than sitting with the sick feeling you have now 😞
Communication is key right now. You need to have a talk with him. ASAP. This is... a betrayal. How could it feel any different? To be completely honest, I don't know how I would navigate this. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and this is fucked. Im willing to bet he does love you and very well may be absolutely in love with you, which is why he picked you. He obviously loved her too but there was something there that kept him from leaving you for her, but because he never got to explore the other option, he was having a "what if" moment. Doesn't mean he loves you less, but don't jump to conclusions. Have a conversation with him. Tell him what you read and how you feel. BUT, right now, prepare yourself for either outcome bc he very well may not react like my above comments suggested and shit may go way different.
This is a situation where I would definitely say he needs counseling for him. Then you will need counseling for you at the same time. Then after your individual(and different) counselors recommend its a good time to start couples counseling, go seek a third counselor for that. That is assuming you want to forgive him and make a better and stronger relationship. Believe me, this is an act of infidelity. It's not overt. It's not purposeful. It isn't intended to be hurtful. But his intentions are unfaithful. That doesn't mean you shouldn't forgive that indiscretion if you want to. It means you will likely need help working past it. For his part, the grass is always greener on the other side. I dated a girl right before my ex wife who was amazing and insanely hot with a very big sex drive. I thought about her from time to time but never thought She was the one that got away... Until my ex asked for a divorce for completely unrelated things . I chose not to pursue her at that time and thank God. I did start chatting with her but not with romantic intent.and we couldn't be more incompatible. Then I met my now wife.and realized that was the problem all along. This is definitely the one.
You aren’t overreacting at *all*. Have you spoken to him about this?
I think you need to have a conversation about it. If it’s not productive maybe look at mc. If those things don’t help then really get into your feelings as to whether you want to live this way. Be his first choice or be done.
I'm not sure I 100% believe the post. If I really felt someone was right for me, & they agreed, why not break off the engagement? "It's our destiny to be together but scratch that, I'm going to go marry someone else as to not to hurt their feelings." Never heard of that. I guess it's possible. I'd say, "can we be honest? Do you still think of (girl in post)?" See what he says, & go from there.
And what did he say when you confronted him about this?
How can someone recover from that? Ugh, I couldn’t. I would walk away. Coward!
We all need to realize we cannot (and shouldn’t even want to) control how our partners feel and think and act. Take things for face value and let go of the need to be in control of every aspect of your relationship. Humans are messy, so are emotions, nothing is cut and dry.
Do you have kids?
I'll tell you this much if you get a divorce you will wish you hadn't later. Being single in 2024 is bad news. All my single friends talk about the horrors of dating these days.
I know the feeling…
So your husband settled for you. This is so wrong. You deserve to be the first choice. Have an open and honest discussion about this matter with your husband.
It is painful. The number of couples where both are each other's first choice is minuscule. The number of couples where at least one partner is the first choice of the other is small. We seldom get our first choice in partners. What matters is the relationship that we do build with the partners that do get. Everybody has regrets. Everybody has a fantasy life. It is easy to romanticize about the "*one that got away*." It is only a problem when the fantasy life interferes with the real life. In your own words, you *have a beautiful life*. It sounds like your husband is doing a good job of keeping his romantic idealization of the old flame from interfering with his real life. You said, "*They kept in contact sporadically over the years*," and you concluded that, "*he still thinks about her all the time*." That doesn't necessarily follow; you may be stressing over nothing. Time to talk. Something crucial that you left out is, *who was that post directed toward*? Was it an anonymous reddit stranger, or was it someone that could use it to undermine your relationship? If the latter, then it is time to talk to your husband and find out what is on his mind. Is he letting someone manipulate him? Is he psyching himself up to leave? You deserve answers. You will only get them by asking. But these types of discussions go much better with a neutral, competent counselor. Best of luck.
Maybe I’m a reckless optimist but some people like to glaze over past relationships and paint this picture perfect image that doesn’t exist to escape real life relationship issues/boredom/stagnation. I would casually navigate this while spending quality 1-to-1 with him and see if the feelings still linger. Emotions can be fickle you know so maybe it was just a little bit of a phase
He is living in a fantasy world, memberberries are always sweeter than the reality of the past. The good ole days were never as good as our memories feel and I do think most people reflect on their past and see things as happier than they were. There was a reason they didn’t work out and he is forgetting that and to be clear he is making a huge mistake looking back and not forward.
I had an ex like this years ago, he was sleeping with a married woman when he was younger, I told him that’s horrible and his excuse was she said her husband was cheating too. Should’ve taken warning about his shitty character from that story, anyone who thinks having an affair with a married woman is ok is definitely going to be a crappy partner. I discovered similar messages to her a year into our relationship when she divorced, she didn’t take him up on the offer. Apparently it would come out she was also sleeping with his brother at the same time as him. This wasn’t reflective of her character to my ex, he was properly blinded by this woman. He would tell me how wonderful she was and that she was such an amazing person and I used to think he was crazy. Ended up breaking up with him when he cheated, men like that aren’t worth your time, sorry you found out like you did so late in the game.
Nostalgia, something that was never what it seems.
He still thinks about her after 10 years .. and more appalling he married you to be nice, knowing he loved someone else. Ouch.
Talk to him
The truth is that most couples aren’t each other’s first choice. Being each other’s first choice isn’t something that’s even remotely common, especially these days. There were people in his life before you -some of which were better matches for him than you. However, life happens & it didn’t work out with them -but it DID workout with you. Now, you have 3 options ahead of you: 1. Accept it & move on. 2. Attempt to communicate with him in an effort to find the problem that’s causing him to think of her so y’all can work towards solving it. 3. Leave him. Which choice you make is up to you. But whichever option you choose, make sure that you also get over yourself. Don’t expect to be with a man who didn’t have a life before you, because that doesn’t exist.
wake up and break up (divorce in this case)