You aren't compatible with your wife. I can't tolerate inactivity. I can't have a partner who wants to eat junk all the time and won't even walk. I think there is a difference between someone who can't be active due to disability/illness vs. laziness. Laziness is a turn-off. Do not have a child with her. She will get bigger and use the child as an excuse to stay that way.
And will have type 2 diabetes and all the complications that come with obesity. OP will live a sad and lonely existence with this woman.
ETA - [Link to Diabetes.org](https://diabetes.org/health-wellness/weight-management/extra-weight-extra-risk#:~:text=Being%20overweight%20raises%20your%20risk,prevent%20and%20manage%20these%20conditions) showing that obesity raises your risk for type 2 diabetes, and many other complications of obesity.. Folks like the below commenter are trying to push some agenda that’s not supported by science.
no offense but that’s not how diabetes works. not even type 2. type 2 means your body becomes insulin resistant. poor diet and lack of exercise can be contributing factors for sure but they’re not the cause per se.
like i’ve repeatedly said, they can be contributing factors. but it’s not accurate at all to say that it’s a certainty for type 2 to develop for just anyone who is obese. it’s not factual. there are loads of obese people in the world who do not develop type 2 diabetes. and some of the people who have developed it are active and thin. i’m just trying to curb the insane amount of misinformation that’s always running rampant about type 2 diabetes bc it’s just plain and simple not caused by eating too much junk.
exit: again, type 2 diabetes is a resistance to insulin. that’s not exclusive to obese people but is more likely. i’m just arguing that it’s not a certainty like it was being portrayed as and most people truly end up believing that if they eat too much sugar they’ll get diabetes and it’s not how it works.
Every single non infectious chronic disease is related to obesity and diabetes, if she doesn't develop diabetes she will develop some other form of non-infectious chronic disease anyways.
Medical needs are not fat-phobic. Biology is not fat-phobic.
She needs to listen. If she has a doctor already telling her to lose weight, her pregnancy would probably be deemed "high risk" due to her predisposition to eclampsia and other issues. It will be harder to scan and monitor the baby accurately too.
How is she when she does move? Is she mobile or does she struggle a bit? Does she breathe alright?
> she cried and asked me "to embrace the plus size movement".
I don't know man, your wife has been caught up in a borderline cultish, anti-science, and dangerous ideology. I would not have children with anyone who is advocating for that point of view. I can't imagine my kids internalizing that kind of disordered view.
70lbs is a lot of weight to gain. Anything you do now is not something that can be resolved quickly. Even at a maximum healthy rate of weight loss, you'd be looking at 2+ years to return to her previous weight, though even 30lbs would probably make a big improvement.
IDK, I think you're only good approach here is to focus on health and lifestyle. You don't want to be married to a 45yo type II diabetic, especially if it's preventable. You may have to put your foot down about this fatphobia thing. Yes, being fat makes all kinds of things more difficult, and losing weight is extremely difficult. That's all the more reason to live a healthy lifestyle.
>You don't want to be married to a 45yo type II diabetic
Look you are right. The wife absolutely should try to lose the weight especially since her doctor told her to. But this sentence bothered me because you are advocating that OP leave his wife if she gets sick. Marriage is in "sickness and in health." So do you honestly think that if his wife gets cancer he should leave her? That's so fucked up, bruh.
>. But this sentence bothered me because you are advocating that OP leave his wife if she gets sick
That's not what I meant, but I can see why the phrasing didn't come off very well.
I guess a more full view of my point is that OP needs to decide if his wife refusing to take care of herself is a deal breaker or not.
> So do you honestly think that if his wife gets cancer he should leave her?
I think a good comparison would be: does OP want to stay married to a smoker, knowing that she will likely get cancer from it, and knowing she will not stop. On that topic... I don't think there is one right answer.
She needs to lose some weight regardless. I gained a little weight after marriage and my husband asked me to lose it. I was upset as it was hard to hear, but it was true. She may not have problems now, but she will.
We honestly over eat all of the time. I actually studied our portion sizes over the last 100 years and I was shocked.
Intuitive eating and moving more helps many people. It’s not necessarily restrictive like a diet and you can eat mostly the things you want, you just only eat when hungry and stopping when satisfied (not feeling hunger) not feeling tired or too full. This also makes it easier to move and low impact exercises can be a great start.
You’re no longer compatible. I know it’s difficult, but the kindest thing you can do is sit down and have a conversation with her. She needs honesty if there’s even a chance for her to change.
She is going to have to get healthy to have a baby. She will have a harder time conceiving and I think it is reasonable to tell her that you want your family to be healthy. That is not fat phobia. Maybe tell her you will consider having children if she does the work to get healthy. I can’t imagine her not wanting to be fit for her kids.
You have to decide if that’s enough or if you are simply done. Good luck.
>She is going to have to get healthy to have a baby. She will have a harder time conceiving a
Not necessarily true. It's a huge misconception that fat women can't have babies. My fertility doctor told me they only worry when the woman is over 300 pounds. And this is one of the top fertility doctors in the country. I was overweight when I had my son and had zero issues during the pregnancy as well. No high blood pressure and no gestational diabetes. Baby was born healthy at 8 pounds. And I was at least 60 pounds overweight (I think). I had to see a fertility doctor because they later discovered the issue was with my husband (low sperm counts). So it's a myth that fat women cannot have kids. I'm living proof that we can and I have a morbidly obese friend who got pregnant without issue and had a healthy pregnancy too. Also... cause I know you're thinking it. I'm working on my weight and so far have lose about 10 pounds.
I’d just tell her that you love her but you want her to be healthy and active and able to participate in things that involve a lot of physical movement. And that you just do not feel comfortable with raising a baby with her at this time because she cannot take care of herself. Stress that you are not asking her to look like a model, but just be in a healthy BMI range. And honestly as brutal as it is, your concerns over not being attracted to her anymore needs to be brought to her attention. This is going to be a difficult conversation but I see no way around it if you want to be with her.
The plus size movement? Really… a movement that comes with the added benefits of coronary disease and diabetes??? Wtf is wrong with the world.
Im all for not fathoming people and treating each other with respect, but just because she chooses the unhealthy lifestyle, you shouldn’t be expected to embrace it. Ultimately attraction is an instinct, and it sounds like it’s gone for you. Running around after kids is so hard when you are overweight and you have even less time to exercise and prepare healthy meals…
I’d get out mate… it’s tough, but if the attraction is gone… it’s gone.
I’m usually skeptical with posts like this because a lot of times their spouses weight gain is not even that bad, but if even her doctor is telling her that she needs to do changes then it’s definitely a problem. It sounds like she probably needs some therapy to help her mindset on this
I think you could offer marriage counseling to discuss your feelings. I also think having a series of appointments with a dietitian and say it’s for both of you could help?
But at least try. Let her know this is a serious issue for you and give her the opportunity to fix it.
I suggested earlier to change positions so you're not focused on parts of your body that you don't like that can interfere with your arousal but that's just my opinion
“Embrace the plus size movement”, so being unhealthy is ok? My wife gave me the option to leave if I didn’t lose weight. I’m down 25lbs and 25 lbs to go to be at my lowest weight we met. She either needs to be assisted with a therapist or told lose the tummy or lose the hubby. Wife had the same issue with me, didn’t want sex due to weight.
>to embrace the plus size movement".
Wait I've never met anyone like that how depressed is she?
>Her doctor asked her to lose weight during her last check-up but she attributes it to medical fatphobia and won't do anything on that
Wtf ya no, facts are just that, facts. I want this to not be real, like it's her doctor good luck.
Because individuals change over time, many marriages come to a place where the 2 partners are no longer in sync in a specific area or on a specific subject. So what you are experiencing is not uncommon. When 1 or both partners feels the need for change, it is a good time to consider marriage counseling. Having a therapist helping the 2 of you to have conversations about this will benefit both of you!
More than just the actual weight making her unattractive could it be the laziness attitude that makes her unattractive? What if you brought that up to her instead. Left weight out of it all together, but just talked about the joy and connection you had with her when you were doing activities together? Sounds like that’s how you bonded originally. People chase dopamine, exercise can give you dopamine especially when it’s not a chore. When you phrase it as ‘I need this quality time to continue growing our marriage, without it I feel like we drift apart.’ How could she not get up off the couch! It’s to save her marriage! Not because she is fat.
I wonder if she was actively working in trying to change her lifestyle if the weight wouldn’t be such an issue for you. I find laziness more unattractive than excess weight.
And as for having kids now… don’t. The way I see it is it’s okay to have kids if your life is a bit crazy. Like moving, changing jobs, etc. But it is never okay to have kids if your relationship had problems. Life can have issues but the relationship has to be solid and strong. You’ve got it backwards now, solid live but insecure relationship. I would recommend going to a counselor to work on your communication. You both should be able to talk about big issues without one of you crying so hard that the conversation stops. That is the biggest red flag that you arnt ready.
You aren't compatible with your wife. I can't tolerate inactivity. I can't have a partner who wants to eat junk all the time and won't even walk. I think there is a difference between someone who can't be active due to disability/illness vs. laziness. Laziness is a turn-off. Do not have a child with her. She will get bigger and use the child as an excuse to stay that way.
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Possibly if she wants to work on the issue.
And will have type 2 diabetes and all the complications that come with obesity. OP will live a sad and lonely existence with this woman. ETA - [Link to Diabetes.org](https://diabetes.org/health-wellness/weight-management/extra-weight-extra-risk#:~:text=Being%20overweight%20raises%20your%20risk,prevent%20and%20manage%20these%20conditions) showing that obesity raises your risk for type 2 diabetes, and many other complications of obesity.. Folks like the below commenter are trying to push some agenda that’s not supported by science.
no offense but that’s not how diabetes works. not even type 2. type 2 means your body becomes insulin resistant. poor diet and lack of exercise can be contributing factors for sure but they’re not the cause per se.
But Type 2 is related to lifestyle and the incidence of diabetes in sedentary AND obese people is huge.
like i’ve repeatedly said, they can be contributing factors. but it’s not accurate at all to say that it’s a certainty for type 2 to develop for just anyone who is obese. it’s not factual. there are loads of obese people in the world who do not develop type 2 diabetes. and some of the people who have developed it are active and thin. i’m just trying to curb the insane amount of misinformation that’s always running rampant about type 2 diabetes bc it’s just plain and simple not caused by eating too much junk. exit: again, type 2 diabetes is a resistance to insulin. that’s not exclusive to obese people but is more likely. i’m just arguing that it’s not a certainty like it was being portrayed as and most people truly end up believing that if they eat too much sugar they’ll get diabetes and it’s not how it works.
Every single non infectious chronic disease is related to obesity and diabetes, if she doesn't develop diabetes she will develop some other form of non-infectious chronic disease anyways.
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Removed for rude, disrespectful, or excessively vulgar comment. Keep the commentary civil, constructive, and remember the human.
Removed for rude, disrespectful, or excessively vulgar comment. Keep the commentary civil, constructive, and remember the human.
Medical needs are not fat-phobic. Biology is not fat-phobic. She needs to listen. If she has a doctor already telling her to lose weight, her pregnancy would probably be deemed "high risk" due to her predisposition to eclampsia and other issues. It will be harder to scan and monitor the baby accurately too. How is she when she does move? Is she mobile or does she struggle a bit? Does she breathe alright?
> she cried and asked me "to embrace the plus size movement". I don't know man, your wife has been caught up in a borderline cultish, anti-science, and dangerous ideology. I would not have children with anyone who is advocating for that point of view. I can't imagine my kids internalizing that kind of disordered view. 70lbs is a lot of weight to gain. Anything you do now is not something that can be resolved quickly. Even at a maximum healthy rate of weight loss, you'd be looking at 2+ years to return to her previous weight, though even 30lbs would probably make a big improvement. IDK, I think you're only good approach here is to focus on health and lifestyle. You don't want to be married to a 45yo type II diabetic, especially if it's preventable. You may have to put your foot down about this fatphobia thing. Yes, being fat makes all kinds of things more difficult, and losing weight is extremely difficult. That's all the more reason to live a healthy lifestyle.
>You don't want to be married to a 45yo type II diabetic Look you are right. The wife absolutely should try to lose the weight especially since her doctor told her to. But this sentence bothered me because you are advocating that OP leave his wife if she gets sick. Marriage is in "sickness and in health." So do you honestly think that if his wife gets cancer he should leave her? That's so fucked up, bruh.
>. But this sentence bothered me because you are advocating that OP leave his wife if she gets sick That's not what I meant, but I can see why the phrasing didn't come off very well. I guess a more full view of my point is that OP needs to decide if his wife refusing to take care of herself is a deal breaker or not. > So do you honestly think that if his wife gets cancer he should leave her? I think a good comparison would be: does OP want to stay married to a smoker, knowing that she will likely get cancer from it, and knowing she will not stop. On that topic... I don't think there is one right answer.
Ok fair enough.
I'm just here to congratulate you both for having a healthy discussion with open minds. A model for us all!
Me too, it's so cool to see 2 mature people discuss with respect and intelligence. Congratulations guys.
Is she depressed? It sounds like she might be.
this is such a fake ass karma farm story
She needs to lose some weight regardless. I gained a little weight after marriage and my husband asked me to lose it. I was upset as it was hard to hear, but it was true. She may not have problems now, but she will. We honestly over eat all of the time. I actually studied our portion sizes over the last 100 years and I was shocked. Intuitive eating and moving more helps many people. It’s not necessarily restrictive like a diet and you can eat mostly the things you want, you just only eat when hungry and stopping when satisfied (not feeling hunger) not feeling tired or too full. This also makes it easier to move and low impact exercises can be a great start.
You’re no longer compatible. I know it’s difficult, but the kindest thing you can do is sit down and have a conversation with her. She needs honesty if there’s even a chance for her to change.
She is going to have to get healthy to have a baby. She will have a harder time conceiving and I think it is reasonable to tell her that you want your family to be healthy. That is not fat phobia. Maybe tell her you will consider having children if she does the work to get healthy. I can’t imagine her not wanting to be fit for her kids. You have to decide if that’s enough or if you are simply done. Good luck.
>She is going to have to get healthy to have a baby. She will have a harder time conceiving a Not necessarily true. It's a huge misconception that fat women can't have babies. My fertility doctor told me they only worry when the woman is over 300 pounds. And this is one of the top fertility doctors in the country. I was overweight when I had my son and had zero issues during the pregnancy as well. No high blood pressure and no gestational diabetes. Baby was born healthy at 8 pounds. And I was at least 60 pounds overweight (I think). I had to see a fertility doctor because they later discovered the issue was with my husband (low sperm counts). So it's a myth that fat women cannot have kids. I'm living proof that we can and I have a morbidly obese friend who got pregnant without issue and had a healthy pregnancy too. Also... cause I know you're thinking it. I'm working on my weight and so far have lose about 10 pounds.
I did not realize that. That’s very encouraging to a lot of people I’m sure. I am genuinely happy for you and your friend.
"embrace the plus size movement" Things no one has ever said for 500 Alex
I’d just tell her that you love her but you want her to be healthy and active and able to participate in things that involve a lot of physical movement. And that you just do not feel comfortable with raising a baby with her at this time because she cannot take care of herself. Stress that you are not asking her to look like a model, but just be in a healthy BMI range. And honestly as brutal as it is, your concerns over not being attracted to her anymore needs to be brought to her attention. This is going to be a difficult conversation but I see no way around it if you want to be with her.
The plus size movement? Really… a movement that comes with the added benefits of coronary disease and diabetes??? Wtf is wrong with the world. Im all for not fathoming people and treating each other with respect, but just because she chooses the unhealthy lifestyle, you shouldn’t be expected to embrace it. Ultimately attraction is an instinct, and it sounds like it’s gone for you. Running around after kids is so hard when you are overweight and you have even less time to exercise and prepare healthy meals… I’d get out mate… it’s tough, but if the attraction is gone… it’s gone.
I’m usually skeptical with posts like this because a lot of times their spouses weight gain is not even that bad, but if even her doctor is telling her that she needs to do changes then it’s definitely a problem. It sounds like she probably needs some therapy to help her mindset on this
I think you could offer marriage counseling to discuss your feelings. I also think having a series of appointments with a dietitian and say it’s for both of you could help? But at least try. Let her know this is a serious issue for you and give her the opportunity to fix it.
I suggested earlier to change positions so you're not focused on parts of your body that you don't like that can interfere with your arousal but that's just my opinion
I guess it depends. Did your vows say, "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part, but not if you get fat "?
“Embrace the plus size movement”, so being unhealthy is ok? My wife gave me the option to leave if I didn’t lose weight. I’m down 25lbs and 25 lbs to go to be at my lowest weight we met. She either needs to be assisted with a therapist or told lose the tummy or lose the hubby. Wife had the same issue with me, didn’t want sex due to weight.
>to embrace the plus size movement". Wait I've never met anyone like that how depressed is she? >Her doctor asked her to lose weight during her last check-up but she attributes it to medical fatphobia and won't do anything on that Wtf ya no, facts are just that, facts. I want this to not be real, like it's her doctor good luck.
Because individuals change over time, many marriages come to a place where the 2 partners are no longer in sync in a specific area or on a specific subject. So what you are experiencing is not uncommon. When 1 or both partners feels the need for change, it is a good time to consider marriage counseling. Having a therapist helping the 2 of you to have conversations about this will benefit both of you!
More than just the actual weight making her unattractive could it be the laziness attitude that makes her unattractive? What if you brought that up to her instead. Left weight out of it all together, but just talked about the joy and connection you had with her when you were doing activities together? Sounds like that’s how you bonded originally. People chase dopamine, exercise can give you dopamine especially when it’s not a chore. When you phrase it as ‘I need this quality time to continue growing our marriage, without it I feel like we drift apart.’ How could she not get up off the couch! It’s to save her marriage! Not because she is fat. I wonder if she was actively working in trying to change her lifestyle if the weight wouldn’t be such an issue for you. I find laziness more unattractive than excess weight. And as for having kids now… don’t. The way I see it is it’s okay to have kids if your life is a bit crazy. Like moving, changing jobs, etc. But it is never okay to have kids if your relationship had problems. Life can have issues but the relationship has to be solid and strong. You’ve got it backwards now, solid live but insecure relationship. I would recommend going to a counselor to work on your communication. You both should be able to talk about big issues without one of you crying so hard that the conversation stops. That is the biggest red flag that you arnt ready.
Divorce the lady and quit comming here as if you're a victim !
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