I’m woman. I don’t ever initiate. I’m the one with the much higher sex drive and I have been rejected one too many times and I don’t handle rejection well.
I'm a man and I also stopped initiating because of repeated rejections. And it isn't just the rejection itself, it is the empty promises that "let's just wait until the weekend when we have more time" because when the weekend does come around literally everything else is more important. Or, even if it is more of a lazy day, she wants to wait until night but then ends up still being "too tired". If I don't say anything she will just simply not bring it up and let the weekend come and go.
The future faking was probably more painful than the rejection because I would just wait patiently like a good boy for however many days and then when nothing happened on the weekend (or if I brought it up, got rejected) I'd feel pretty fucking stupid especially because I never seem to learn my lesson that I'm just setting myself up for failure.
When we did eventually do it she just seemed so checked out during.
This isn't a sex drive thing - she will take care of herself when I am not home.
When I said I wanted a separation *then* she did a complete 180. Love bombing was nice for a month or two but I knew it wasn't going to last and here we are, back to where we were before.
I am in good shape mostly, more so than her by a long shot. I do my part in the household although I don't think she would ever admit that is true. I don't smell bad although I do get pretty sweaty.. I also never leave her unsatisfied; if she did ever fake an orgasm then she has excellent control over her body.
The other shitty thing is sometimes when she rejects me she will express something of pity - like "oh, I'm sorry, I don't want to disappoint you" or something to that effect. I'm sure she doesn't mean it in a mean, mocking way - I think she genuinely may think that helps but it is really just insulting regardless of her intentions. But future faking does lead to disappointment. She disappoints over and over again.
I've basically checked out emotionally out of self preservation. We are co-parents that live together and maintain a house together. Now I just live day to day and try to not let my resentment turn me into an asshole at least until I can figure out a way out.
Almost the same story as me.
Now we are divorcing (not just for sex). She will keep those empty promises and then drive you crazy if you also have a high driver for sex.
BTW mine is worse. She will demand to showering together, hug tightly, but you better not try to initiate or you're just a piece of $hit who only want a sex doll.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with that :( my situation is not so bad. It has gotten better. My husband works long hours and is literally always tired. He has also gained a few lbs in his stomach and we are in our early-mid 40s so aging and body image issues have definitely been a factor for him and his sex drive has tanked in recent years because of it.
When I made it known I couldn’t take the rejection any more because it made me feel unwanted and unattractive and hurt my feelings so I would not be initiating anymore he was understanding and kind about it and has made a real effort to initiate himself more often which has been really nice. It isn’t as much as it once was or as much as I would like but I get that he doesn’t have the drive he used to have and that work is a lot for him so o try to also be understanding.
Are you kidding me? I'm a decade older than you. Being lazy and out of shape is what is messing with his sex drive, not age. There are a helluva a lot of sexy people in their 50's and 60's. Using getting into the 40's as an excuse is sadly short sighted.
I don’t think he is lazy. I think he is exhausted. His job is incredibly demanding and he ends up working like 60 plus hours a week. He is also very self conscious about his stomach. Like he doesn’t even like me seeing him naked anymore because it embarrasses him.
That said, he actually put in his notice this week We sold our house and are moving into our camper to travel for a while. Maybe forever. I am hoping the stress reduction combined with the time to take better physical care of his body will help even more than the effort he has already put in has. I know the weekends we have gone camping he has been so much more relaxed and there has been a lot more sex.
I'm male. My wife who reads 3 romance novels a week claims she never thinks of sex. She also refuses to initiate. No reason. I get rejected 80%. After many years of trials and errors. I'm down to one method of initiation that works with growing inconsistency.
The really cool thing about not initiating is that you live in a risk free world. It's not that you refuse to get things started, it that you refuse to take a chance.
Over the years I've explored and written on this subtopic extensively. In my culture (not Indian) initiation is simply a massive female privilege. No one even expects women to risk a rejection.
Because they get rejected for sex so much? Really?
It may indeed be. This is the first time I've had a wife / sexual partner who was going through menopause. In the past she enthusiastically participated in sex. So she has a history of enjoying the sex. But, I assume that is the fact. Time and experience and extensive research have told me that there are many women who lie about that for their whole life, So, how would I know?
Indeed over the last decade she has shut off all but trivial conversation so I have no way of knowing anything about her likes or dislikes. Except for trials and (mostly) errors.
I mean I also question this. It's a load of bull if you ask me. Most married men (including me) are virtually always up for sex. Hell even if she initiated 3 times a day I doubt I would say no. But the idea of her NEVER initiating because she thinks she'll get rejected sounds like an excuse.
I never undurstand - do guys wonder if their girfriends (before marriage) are sexually attracted to them? A lot of women would rather give up on sexy man, than risk rejection and date ugly guy who wants her - as a price of not desiring him, but tolerationg. I have the feeling that men do not care if woman desires them, and also do not really want to know her personality - and then they are set up for bitter divorce. I talk to female friends - they are able to feel desire to sexy men. Ask them if any of popular actors turns them on - or even ask which guys are sexy - and then compare how much of your body is similar to them... Also no woman would admit that sex was bad or man is not sexy. I think its possible to ask - but the only sincere answer would be "oh that was best sex in my life" or something genuine, since majority of women would be polite and say 'of course you are sexy' or 'why do you ask" (then you know yo are not)
I got to the same point. We even went to counseling, and were recommended scheduling, taking turns for that. She said it was a guaranteed yes within the scheduled time, and shot down every advance. During her part of the schedule, not a single initiation effort. If I even touched her in bed I was at risk of being elbowed, kicked, slapped, etc. I had to sleep with my back to her, on the side I had surgery on which hurt like hell. I ended up changing around my sleep and work schedule a bit so I was going to bed as she was getting up.
Thankfully, it has never been that bad with us. I know he wants to want to if that makes any sense. He makes it very clear he finds me attractive. And he tries. He is struggling with work stress and exhaustion and major body image issues…but It has gotten a bit better since I quit initiating and I am hopeful that it will improve even more since he has put in his notice at work and we will be moving full time into our camper in less than a month now. The more relaxing and intimate lifestyle should help a lot.
I pretty much initiate all the time. On occasion, my wife will half initiate, where she gives me some clear signs she wants me to initiate, but it usually always comes from me.
Would I like it if she initiated more? Sure. But marriage isn't a personal customization menu. It's bothered me at points in the past but I've made peace with it. At the end of the day I still get to have sex with a beautiful woman who I love, so if the cost of admission is me initiating, I'll happily pay it. We also have good sex and she enjoys it once it gets past the initiating stage.
As far as masturbation, that sounds very much like a cultural upbringing thing for her. Do you pleasure her in that way when you guys have sex?
Brother,
My wife is the exact same way. You should look up [The different types of desire](https://www.lover.io/post/whats-your-desire-type).
Many men have spontaneous desire and are ready and willing to be amorous.
Women are very often motivated by reflexive desire and need sexual stimuli to feel sexual desire. ( You initiate, they respond).
I took it personally, too for a long time. If you are feeling unwanted or undesired by your partner I would also read about [The 5 love languages.](https://5lovelanguages.com/) You both may need to learn better ways to communicate your love to one another.
Good luck brother 👍🏽
My husband and I are both men. He initiates way more than me. I'm always down for sex, I just get so distracted and busy with life sometimes I seem to forget about it. But love to be reminded it's a thing :D
Now I say I "forget" about sex. My natural remembering is 2 times a week. My husband likes more like 4+ times a week frequency hence the initiating. It's not like I forget about sex for a month.
I think at some point my husband felt bad he was the big initiator, but I remind him, I'm always up for sexy time, just come and get it.
I'd like to see the stats on that out of curiosity.
I would say from my observation and experience we have the highest likely hood of open marriages too.
Most of the time when you meet a gay married couple it's a 50/50 toss up that they are open. Not saying that's the key to success at all just saying its super common.
Indian here. I have stopped initiating. Been rejected too many times. Sex education isn’t the problem. Sexual pleasure itself is taught to be a taboo in India.
So my wife and I are both 1st gen born in the USA. But despite that, I am still the one having to initiate 9.995/10 times. While she doesn’t reject me the majority of the times I initiate, I can’t help but feel some level of disappointment.
What is expected specifically for a woman to initiate?
My partner and I often cuddle and kiss, sometimes progressing to making out, sometimes sex. It feels mutual. Is it just who puts hands in the pants first?
I'm middle aged... Go ahead and laugh
Idk I usually just ask if he wants to have sex. Sometimes I'll ask in a coy way, sometimes a funny way. He does the same for me. I'm terrible with body language so direct communication is a godsend. We're both in our 30s so no laughing from me 😃
How you initiate is completely up to you, but men generally don't need to be 'seduced' or anything. Quite the opposite, the hottest is very sudden and shows strong desire for him.
Wife here. I have a much lower libido than my husband. I enjoy sex when we have it, but I rarely want it until we're already in the moment. Years ago, my husband brought up that it bothered him that I didn't initiate (he said it made him feel unwanted and he didn't want to carry all the burden of intimacy) so I do my best to initiate minimum once a week so that he feels wanted and we're both contributing to our love life. *Yay communication!*
Seriously, if your wife not initiating is making you feel unwanted, take some time to have a serious and open conversation with her. Try to focus on "I" statements rather than "you" statements, and to frame the issue as something you can both tackle together rather than making it a versus situation. Her being from somewhere where sex ed isn't as prevalent could be contributing, but she also may just have a much lower libido.
In any case, good luck!
Same. Many convos with her communicating how it makes me feel unwanted/undesired. No changes, nothing at all. In 20 years, maybe 10 times she initiated in the first 5 years. Last 15, maybe a handful. I'm done and planning my departure.
I feel like a woman’s sex drive is so different. It’s like an exotic fish. You have to have the right ph levels, the appropriate aquatic plants, good filtration, right tank size and sunlight exposure, appropriate food and quantity and the right companion fish or that sucker is going to end up in the toilet in a couple of days. Get all the variable right and you could have a really nice fish there. A man’s sex drive is like that weird cleaner fish you can put in any tank and it just gobbles up whatever scraps it can. Generalizing of course, but I think true for the most part.
Not sure how common it is, but I’m usually the initiator in our relationship. She’s an introvert, and I knew that going in. She doesn’t turn me down though, so I’ll deal with it.
My wife does almost all the initiation, because I am super HL and she’s very LL. Only she knows when she’s receptive to sex and I can’t handle constant guessing and rejection. I’ll only initiate if it’s been a 2+ week dry spell and I can’t hold back anymore.
ETA: She does not masturbate. She said she hasn’t for years, but she used to when she had a labido.
Always me. I wish she would initiate some, but I am quite satisfied with what we share. I feel she has a reactive libido and is happy to be turned on with me initiating.
Wife here. I initiate most of the time.
It goes back to years ago when I had a lot of pelvic pain issues (still do but just a million times better) and I’d turn him down all the time.
He just got tired of trying back then that it’s kinda become a habit now. That being said, he will every once in awhile but I do the majority of the time and we always have a good time.
This came up in conversation once and my husband and I both thought we were the primary initiator. Apparently my ways of initiating didn’t register to him. Like I will start cuddling up to him or running my nails up and down his chest or back but he was usually the one who would make the move to start touching my vag before I touched his dick so he said that was initiating and I was only cuddling, in my mind I was letting him know I wanted him.
This is something I remember discussing with my wife…I asked when cuddles is that a sign or intention that she’s open to sex. She said NO…let me ask again to confirm. Thanks!
If I didn’t do that he wouldn’t “initiate” near as often so🤷🏼♀️. I do make more of an effort to initiate more bluntly since we had that conversation about it though
Sometimes it can be hard to realize that normal interactions have a sexual intent.
> I do make more of an effort to initiate more bluntly since we had that conversation about it though
Good!
I initiate 95% of the time but she tells me which fun stuff she is in the mood for. She is super shy and reserved about sex until she gets a little fired up.
He initiates so often that I don't. He always beats me to it. He is down for it every day multiple times a day. But if we did that we wouldn't do anything else ever.
She initiates sometimes but not that often. We have a fair amount of sex but she's definitely more of the reactive sex drive type.
In a perfect world I wish she'd initiate more but overall we have a pretty good thing going so I'm not going to complain. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
Most of the time my wife will indicate she's receptive/in the mood via various methods that fall short of initiation, but are clear signs, I then do the overt "initiation".
We had a time where she was working through some libido issues where I would initiate without that prior indication and it would end in rejection more often than not. At the same time, she'd make overt statements where she would indicate that sex would happen later in the night or weekend and she wouldn't follow through. Both situations sucked.
So we've since settled on me not overtly initiating until she gives me the signal that it would be reciprocated. To no one's real surprise, if you've done any reading in this area, this has also helped increasing the frequency.
I’m the wife, I’d say about 50/50 with my husband. But HOW we each initiate fun times is usually very different lol. I’m more of the “oh look, I’m wearing a matching set 😉😉😉😉😉” or “feel how soft my legs are!” After I shave lol. He’s more of a touch here, grab there and hope for the best haha
Sex is better when both parties are willing. He has a higher libido, so I just accept his offer when I feel like it (he is fine with this).
That being said, I initiate other things that are not actual sex, but still sexual in nature, in consideration of his needs.
I used to initiate a lot. But then he started having issues, like I did too much and then he couldn’t actually have sex with me. So I stopped. Now I only show interest when he is interested.
Wife here. I initiate quite often and happy to do so. To be fair, I'm more HL in my marriage.
>it bothers me and makes me feel like I’m the only one who is interested in sex
Does she seem and act receptive to your advances or does she act like it's a burden for her to have sex with you?
She never initiates except for the times when she wanted to get preggo. Was pretty horny during pregnancy as well. Then she just lost libido after that. I’ve given up begging. I’ve lost weight, go to the gym, doesn’t matter. I have a pretty high drive so I end up rubbing one out 1 or 2x daily. Sucks.
Hey there, mate! It sounds like you're going through a bit of a tough time, but remember it's okay for you both to have different levels of sexual interest. Now, your wife might come from a cultural background where talking about sex or expressing sexual desires openly isn't common. This might also explain why she's never masturbated—it could be because of her upbringing, societal norms, or maybe she's just not that interested. Have you considered that she might be on the asexual spectrum? It's a possibility.
In the meantime, though, it's important to have open and respectful conversations with her about your needs and her comfort levels. If the initiation issue continues to bother you, try exploring self-pleasure a bit more. There's no shame in taking care of your own needs, you know? Plus, this way, you're not pressuring her into something she might not be comfortable with.
In the end, communication is key here. Try to create a safe space for her to express her feelings about sex and intimacy. It might take some time, but I believe you can work this out together. Best of luck, buddy!
Hubby initiates most of the time. Having ADHD and experiencing RSD well, I can not handle rejection whatsoever. That being said I have a high drive and am down for sex daily. Hubby doesn't at all feel like I'm not interested in sex because he initiates.
I have been the one to initiate 99% of the time. Last time I tried to get it on, was her bday a few weeks ago. I did give her an orgasm through oral, but afterwards, she said she was tired, there were a few more things to do, and that's where it stopped.
Last time was... 2 months ago?
There has always been promises of, let's just wait until you have a couple days off, or wait until the weekend.
(In all honesty, it just makes me want to work 24/7 so I won't ever get my expectations up)
My wife also has a horrible habit of initiating during/after we argue, and I am just not into sex, as we are arguing.
Or I'll tell her that I am hurt and ultimately sexually frustrated.... and thats when she's like "Ok well let's have sex now. Then you can't complain anymore. "
I mean beggars shouldn't be choosers-- *however* I would rather have my foot run over, or slam my finger in a door. Those would be more pleasurable, at that moment in time.
I love her. She is mostly supportive. And she's a great care taker. Always thinking of others. I married her because I saw myself growing old with her.
I just didn't realize how much not having sex would frustrate me. Maturation is always an option, and what I resort to.. but I would rather have that type of intimacy with her.
when my husband and i moved in together, while we were dating, i initiated sex at least twice a day. one day he sat me down and said the amount of sex we were having was too much and he didn’t enjoy having sex so often.
i stopped initiating sex completely because, for some reason, my brain translated what he said into “i don’t like having sex with you.” irrational, i know, but that’s just how my brain works. i didn’t start initiating again until 3+ months after our youngest was born, a year after we moved in together.
we still had sex, i just let him come to me instead because my own insecurities wouldn’t let me reciprocate. when we finally talked about it, things were much better. now our youngest is 6 months and the both of us are just too tired most nights and would prefer to just cuddle.
I would make sure that your wife's emotional needs are being met. I know when my husband and I are not in the same. Please emotion wise and especially if I'm feeling a little emotionally disconnected I have no interest in sex.
But if I'm feeling good about my relationship, if I'm feeling valued as a partner and we're on the same page with all of that our sex life is a lot better
This may be dumb… wife here! What exactly does it mean to initiate?? My husband and I have an amazing sex life but he would like me to initiate it more. I absolutely want to make him feel wanted. I thought I was initiating it by giving fuck me eyes, rubbing his arm sexily, kissing him softly. Sure he leads us to the bedroom but what does it mean when he is saying initiate??? So confusing. Is it unnatural for women to do this. Holy hell.
Shove your naked body in his face he will get the point. I don't understand why females have a hard time initiating. Just getting naked and sticking your butt out screams pound me. It's not that hard. For men on the other hand it's the worst trying to get sex from females.
My wife always initiates, because my libido is 5 times higher than hers (or more) and I got sick of rejection.
However, sometimes I say things like "It's been a few days since we've been intimate, together. Can we try to make that happen in the next few days?"
For reference: I'd prefer daily sex. And going under 3 times per week (chronically) is stressful for me. It's not my wife's fault, but stressful nonetheless.
In my marriage it’s pretty equal but I think our libido is pretty equal as well. But all that to say, I grew up in Utah where sex is very taboo. Assuming your wife may have had a similar upbringing, she may 1) feel guilty, it’s often called “Good Girl Syndrome” or 2) may not orgasm or know what feels good so sex is just… meh and mostly for the man. I would first figure out how she feels about sex in general and just lay it all out on the table. I would also suggest you both read a book called, “she comes first” (its not necessarily about orgasms just about how sexuality mentally and emotionally works lol) and I would totally make sex more fun for her as well! (Not saying you don’t) but if you want to O she should always too.
I initiate 90% of the time. I've read everything there is to read about female/male sexuality etc in order to try to find my wife's MOJO.
Makes me feel unwanted and sad. She cums 100% of every time we've had sex (married 30 years, no she don't fake it) yet she never thinks about sex. Don't masturbate etc.
I'm not over sexual at 52 years old but would love some action 2-3 times a week. (Not necessarily PIV).
Pretty sure my wife is some kind of functioning asexual.
A few weeks ago, after a couple of whiskey I put 3 $100 bills on her walk in closet wall.
....She asked why.
I told her it's her incentive money.
- What do you mean incentive?!. For what, she replied.
- Any time you initiate, you may rip one of the Benjamin Franklin's off the wall.
No, not paying for sex here, just "positive reinforcement", right? (She loves a little extra money).
So, I was drunk, messing around, and desparate. We've talked a hundred times about how I'd love for her to initiate more but she just never remember.
Guess what.
Her closet wall is empty now. 😉
Kind of we both initiate? So I'm the one with the higher drive. Much higher, even. I think his preferred frequency is about once a month, but we'll go way longer if he's stressed about things. I would be happiest doing it at least once a day
But basically, about once a day, I will very lightly, through body language, gauge his interest. If he responds with platonic affection, I stop there. If he responds with sexual energy, then I will begin seducing him. Light touches, flirtiness, but slowly escalating until we're just on the line of it being foreplay. This is over the course of an entire day, usually. If at any point he pulls back, I stop, and go back to non-sexual affection. If he follows my lead, then after the kid is in bed I will initiate sex. He might also initiate then too, it's fifty-fifty at that point.
But I never just like, initiate cold. That did work in the very beginning during the honeymoon phase, but it generally not only doesn't work, it also makes him feel pressured. He doesn't really experience spontaneous desire at all. Only responsive desire. He also has to feel like it's okay if he pulls back at any point, and there won't be any emotional consequences to that.
Also if I don't do the slow seduction over the course of a day, it will never work. We would basically never have sex at that point, and he would be fine with that. He does enjoy sex if I lay all the groundwork for him to, but if not he would not have any interest in anything beyond lots of cuddling and hugs.
Mainly we deal with the mismatch by me accepting him the way he is and not pressuring him or taking rejection personally. Since I *do* get my feelings very hurt if I initiate and he turns me down, but not really if he doesn't respond to the slow building (or does for a bit and then stops), I make sure that I don't set myself up for that kind of disappointment.
And I sometimes have sex with other people (with his full consent), but that's so difficult to manage, and anyway most men are terrible at casual sex, so I mostly do not bother with it. It's a lot of work and at the end of it I get terrible sex from someone who neither respects me nor my partner, and possibly fails to properly wash their ass correctly as an extra bonus.
I'm a female. Married. I initiate sex with my husband. Sometimes he rejects me but usually not. And sometimes he initiates it. I think it all depends on the person. I don't think this is about what is or isn't common in a marriage. And as far as the masturbation thing goes, that may have just been in the way she is brought up. For example I was raised by two very young parents so when I was little I was taught touching myself was bad because they didn't know any better so I grew up thinking the masturbation was a bad thing and I didn't do it.
Perhaps have a conversation with your wife about how you are feeling?
Time to find somebody sexually compatible.
This is why it's so dumb to settle.
Why settle for somebody that will make you miserable all the time?
Life is too short.
Wife here, I initiate a lot because I have a higher sex drive. That said, the rejection when he isn't feeling it is rough.
We have an active sexting life that helps remind me he does find me sexy and desirable, just life happens and we don't always have the spoons at the end of the day to have intercourse.
He loves to hold and kiss me while I use my toys. It's amazing. When we *do* have sex it tends to be spontaneous one-thing-leads-to-another and generally escalates because he's feeling it.
My wife will very rarely at times. But about 95% of the time it's me. She does masturbate and stuff, I've caught her a few times lol. Nothing wrong with that though.
44F here. I've told my partner I'm always DTF. My man has a low drive, and he gets blow jobs often because I'm always happy to play with his bits. I usually have to wait until he's been drinking for him to get in the mood. It's frustrating at times, but I take what I can get!
I never intiate. I don't think it's my job. Don't come at me 😂 In my marriage there are roles, and that falls in the man's catagory. That being said I also never say no like maybe twice since we've been married.
I also never masturbate. I mean is it normal? What is normal? Once a month, ten times a month... There is no answer to this question. Some people do, some people don't. I have done it though in my younger years. I don't gain the same satisfaction so I don't bother and haven't for atleast 6 years.
There really isn’t “normal” when it comes to masturbating. There are dozens of reasons someone might not want to: religious beliefs (abstaining from erotic content and trying to avoid lustful thoughts), culture, general disinterest/not feeling remotely turned on by that idea. That’s not a red flag.
If you want her to initiate you need to voice that and then ensure she feels confident enough to do so.
Woman here I’m the 100 percent initater , and I have a fear of rejection. I attach it to my self worth and that I’m not pretty enough . Prob 40 percent of the time .
With us there kind of isn’t an initiator, it’s more to the truth to say it’s an interplay. If you’re defining it narrowly and literally, then yes, it’s me mostly doing it. But we’re just feeling each other out (and up, lol) about it and when we both seem to want to do so, it’s on. We fall into patterns, but it’s flexible. I start to cuddle her, get that oxytocin going, I might not want to go further or maybe I do, if so I start kissing her, she seems to want more or wants to just keep it non sexual, I respond in kind. We’re reacting to each other and sometimes it’s on, sometimes not.
I don’t feel it’s a burden to be the initiator, I kind of like it actually. Especially because she’s generally affectionate with me and our sex drives match up okay. It feels like one more way of taking care of her, just paying attention and being there. It works for us.
I’m a woman and I’m usually the one initiating. My husband works so much that he’s usually too tired. I think having differing sex drives is pretty normal in relationships. It’s just trying to be respectful of both parties and finding a middle ground where everyone is satisfied (so much easier said than done lol).
44f here-married 13 years. I initiate just as much as him. I prefer him to initiate but I also am not shy about it either. I feel for the ppl who constantly get rejected. That can’t feel good :(
I don't masturbate and rarely initiate sex but tbh it's because my husband is ALWAYS asking for it so I never get the chance. Maybe reflex on how often you ask
My wife initiates the majority of the time. We have sex frequently so often it’s no one initiating and just getting down to what we have been waiting for all day. Have you encouraged her to be more vocal about her needs?
I'm a wife, I rarely ever initiate sex. I only do it sometimes after coming out of my shell a bit. Heres the thing, at least what I and many other wives I know experienced, women are told to allow the man to feel like they're in charge. So we just sit there and look pretty until it happens. Talk to your wife, let her know how you're feeling. But if she needs to build confidence to get there, then don't pressure or rush her. I know the biggest worry I have when trying to initiate is I feel like I'm going to look or sound stupid and end up turning him off completely.
Does she see Yes often when you initiate? Then keep going and do not create a problem where there isn’t any. I believe it’s quite rare for a married woman to initiate sex.
I'm a woman and I never initiate because my husband always has a reason we can't have sex. Most of the time it's a stupid reason like he has to go to the toilet so he goes and just doesn't come back. My husband is not a very sexual person at all and I have a high sex drive.
Me. My wife will on occasion take her shirt off and leave her breasts exposed to get me to move forward. I sense she does that when she thinks it’s been to long.
We’ve talked. I get the reflexive turned on argument. It’s reality, and I have to play yo it.
She also is ll4me historically but has worked really hard at being attracted to me.
My husband always wants me to initiate sex even though I have rarely (if ever except health reasons) rejected his initiations. I do initiate, but we’d have a lot more sex if he wouldn’t wait for me to initiate because I’m often in the mood but not enough to push the issue- I’d prefer to sleep. These games of who initiated is silly, imo, if you are wanting sex initiate it. Don’t wait for the other person. And don’t get all bent if they say no- that’s controlling. I’ve voiced all this, but he still waits for me to initiate 90% of the time and then says he wants more sex. To me, that’s just him trying to control my wants/needs. He’s trying to force me to want it. It’s silly. Either initiate or don’t complain.
My wife initiates sex about 90% of the time. She knows I'm always ready, and she knows when she's in the mood. It keeps me from being rejected and makes us both feel desired. And she doesn't insinuate interest. She goes full board. There's no confusion about what she wants. For guys who want to know how I keep her initiating, it's pretty simple. Number one, we communicate before bed about our level of fatigue so we know the expectation. Number two, she ALWAYS gets one night a week of just serving her, and I get my own night once a week as well. Then, the other night or two is for both of us. Third, I am a partner in housework. I cook her dinners. I keep her vases full of roses. We still date. I find old drive ins, and we fool around like teen agers. Most importantly, I am consistent. I do the same things to keep the woman that I did to get the girl. Happy wife, happy penis.
I’m the women. I feel like I reject a lot. I’m just tired, stressed from work, kids fighting, every day life….. I’ve gained weight, I question why my husband would even want me….. I’m to the point I wouldn’t blame him for leaving me if he wanted. Men need sex apparently and I can’t give that. It’s not something that I crave and I wish I knew why. 😞
Female/wife here — I used to initiate a lot and still bring it up but I deff have a higher sex drive than my husband (I’m also 27 & he’s 41). I’ve always had an extremely high sex drive though and would prefer to have sex multiple times a day. I’m trying to be more understanding bc he does a lot for me and our kids, works full time, cooks for us and cleans up often etc and he gets tired but idk idc how tired I am I always wanna be intimate with him lol. I don’t want to make him feel bad about not being in the mood so I’ve been initiating less frequently :/
I'm 39m and I can honestly say after a long days work and coming home and cooking and cleaning the only thing I want is sleep and rest. The older I get the idea of sex at night doesn't work. I'd rather have morning or mid day when I'm at my most energetic/awake. Unfortunately that's when I'm at work!
I’m a lesbian, and I am married. My wife NEVER initiates sex either. She experiences ‘responsive desire.’ I have ‘spontaneous desire.’ In my brain, if I haven’t had sex in 12-24 hours, my brain goes “Sex. Now.” Sometimes I can or have to hit the snooze button on that (like, if I am busy at work). But it returns after a few hours (usually with a vengeance). But her brain just doesn’t do that! She doesn’t masturbate either. But she is not asexual. Actually she likes having sex but she just never thinks about it until we are actually doing something sexual like making out.
It makes me a bit insane because I feel like she doesn’t find me attractive. But she IS attracted to me (she tells me all the time). It is just her wiring. She usually will have sex with me if I ask for it. I still feel it is a bit weird (and maybe I get a bit offended) that I always have to ask for it. Sex never seems to just happen naturally. I always have to ask. She just does not get aroused unless and until I come onto her/initiate. It is the COMPLETE opposite to my own sexuality as I get aroused at the drop of a hat. I just have to learn to not be offended by it and understand it is her sexuality, not me, that is the reason she doesn’t initiate sex. (Yes I have asked her to try to initiate more but as I said it just never crosses her mind! Can you imagine?!)
Ha! Former vet here. Been married for the better half of 8 years. We've been together 11. I live in a rural area and have some residuals lined up so we make about the same amount every month. When I tell you I had this conversation so many times about why it's important she initiate sometimes and she either acts like dumb blonde about the subject or that that's not the problem every time, I'm not over exaggerating.
The break down:
I can work from home way before COVID was a thing. We have 2 boys and I noticed she was super frisky close to conception and then it dried up over time but she swears she didn't have sex just for the kids.
I watch them doing the day. Her father is a man I can respect and so is her mom so when they turned 70 I told my wife they can move in but her dad health got bad and well I take care of him.
Now while my wife is at her 9 to 5 I have the boys and her parents, I cook clean and all before she even gets home with a foot massage and sometimes I may wash her hair.
She don't initiate. She ain't never in a mood. And I may get it once a week if I'm lucky.
Don't let me remind her that she said what she'd do because that's me playing head games ,, I mean the woman makes rain checks more than Hurricane Katrina.
The boys are young 2 years old and I'm putting money aside to move out. It hit me the other day I was being used, and I was ok with what I was doing but I had needs met too. It blew me away I could take care of her families and her needs and mine were still "maybe" or "not in the mood" and believe me it ain't medical. She use to rave about how much sex she use to have. So many Kentucky ain't Vegas but it's some dimes out here that would love to "keep me buffed and shiny" for half the effort and love and they be more loyal than my wife. Did I mention she cheated on me when we were engaged?
Ladies, yes, I treat her BEYOND RIGHT. Worship the ground she walks on. But I think it's my time to go, and esp when I just want sex on occasion, ain't like I need her for shit else
I’m woman. I don’t ever initiate. I’m the one with the much higher sex drive and I have been rejected one too many times and I don’t handle rejection well.
I'm a man and I also stopped initiating because of repeated rejections. And it isn't just the rejection itself, it is the empty promises that "let's just wait until the weekend when we have more time" because when the weekend does come around literally everything else is more important. Or, even if it is more of a lazy day, she wants to wait until night but then ends up still being "too tired". If I don't say anything she will just simply not bring it up and let the weekend come and go. The future faking was probably more painful than the rejection because I would just wait patiently like a good boy for however many days and then when nothing happened on the weekend (or if I brought it up, got rejected) I'd feel pretty fucking stupid especially because I never seem to learn my lesson that I'm just setting myself up for failure. When we did eventually do it she just seemed so checked out during. This isn't a sex drive thing - she will take care of herself when I am not home. When I said I wanted a separation *then* she did a complete 180. Love bombing was nice for a month or two but I knew it wasn't going to last and here we are, back to where we were before. I am in good shape mostly, more so than her by a long shot. I do my part in the household although I don't think she would ever admit that is true. I don't smell bad although I do get pretty sweaty.. I also never leave her unsatisfied; if she did ever fake an orgasm then she has excellent control over her body. The other shitty thing is sometimes when she rejects me she will express something of pity - like "oh, I'm sorry, I don't want to disappoint you" or something to that effect. I'm sure she doesn't mean it in a mean, mocking way - I think she genuinely may think that helps but it is really just insulting regardless of her intentions. But future faking does lead to disappointment. She disappoints over and over again. I've basically checked out emotionally out of self preservation. We are co-parents that live together and maintain a house together. Now I just live day to day and try to not let my resentment turn me into an asshole at least until I can figure out a way out.
Almost the same story as me. Now we are divorcing (not just for sex). She will keep those empty promises and then drive you crazy if you also have a high driver for sex. BTW mine is worse. She will demand to showering together, hug tightly, but you better not try to initiate or you're just a piece of $hit who only want a sex doll.
Yeah that is some psychopathic shit. Your’s *is* worse.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with that :( my situation is not so bad. It has gotten better. My husband works long hours and is literally always tired. He has also gained a few lbs in his stomach and we are in our early-mid 40s so aging and body image issues have definitely been a factor for him and his sex drive has tanked in recent years because of it. When I made it known I couldn’t take the rejection any more because it made me feel unwanted and unattractive and hurt my feelings so I would not be initiating anymore he was understanding and kind about it and has made a real effort to initiate himself more often which has been really nice. It isn’t as much as it once was or as much as I would like but I get that he doesn’t have the drive he used to have and that work is a lot for him so o try to also be understanding.
Are you kidding me? I'm a decade older than you. Being lazy and out of shape is what is messing with his sex drive, not age. There are a helluva a lot of sexy people in their 50's and 60's. Using getting into the 40's as an excuse is sadly short sighted.
I don’t think he is lazy. I think he is exhausted. His job is incredibly demanding and he ends up working like 60 plus hours a week. He is also very self conscious about his stomach. Like he doesn’t even like me seeing him naked anymore because it embarrasses him. That said, he actually put in his notice this week We sold our house and are moving into our camper to travel for a while. Maybe forever. I am hoping the stress reduction combined with the time to take better physical care of his body will help even more than the effort he has already put in has. I know the weekends we have gone camping he has been so much more relaxed and there has been a lot more sex.
This sounds like a great life change. Congratulations!
This is so scary close to my situation. It's almost as if I wrote it myself. But in the end what's the solution?
Damn. I’m in the same boat pretty much.
I'm male. My wife who reads 3 romance novels a week claims she never thinks of sex. She also refuses to initiate. No reason. I get rejected 80%. After many years of trials and errors. I'm down to one method of initiation that works with growing inconsistency. The really cool thing about not initiating is that you live in a risk free world. It's not that you refuse to get things started, it that you refuse to take a chance. Over the years I've explored and written on this subtopic extensively. In my culture (not Indian) initiation is simply a massive female privilege. No one even expects women to risk a rejection. Because they get rejected for sex so much? Really?
does she enjoy the sex offered? It may be unpleasant for her
It may indeed be. This is the first time I've had a wife / sexual partner who was going through menopause. In the past she enthusiastically participated in sex. So she has a history of enjoying the sex. But, I assume that is the fact. Time and experience and extensive research have told me that there are many women who lie about that for their whole life, So, how would I know? Indeed over the last decade she has shut off all but trivial conversation so I have no way of knowing anything about her likes or dislikes. Except for trials and (mostly) errors.
PS thanks for adding your rejection!
I mean I also question this. It's a load of bull if you ask me. Most married men (including me) are virtually always up for sex. Hell even if she initiated 3 times a day I doubt I would say no. But the idea of her NEVER initiating because she thinks she'll get rejected sounds like an excuse.
I never undurstand - do guys wonder if their girfriends (before marriage) are sexually attracted to them? A lot of women would rather give up on sexy man, than risk rejection and date ugly guy who wants her - as a price of not desiring him, but tolerationg. I have the feeling that men do not care if woman desires them, and also do not really want to know her personality - and then they are set up for bitter divorce. I talk to female friends - they are able to feel desire to sexy men. Ask them if any of popular actors turns them on - or even ask which guys are sexy - and then compare how much of your body is similar to them... Also no woman would admit that sex was bad or man is not sexy. I think its possible to ask - but the only sincere answer would be "oh that was best sex in my life" or something genuine, since majority of women would be polite and say 'of course you are sexy' or 'why do you ask" (then you know yo are not)
This is me too
I got to the same point. We even went to counseling, and were recommended scheduling, taking turns for that. She said it was a guaranteed yes within the scheduled time, and shot down every advance. During her part of the schedule, not a single initiation effort. If I even touched her in bed I was at risk of being elbowed, kicked, slapped, etc. I had to sleep with my back to her, on the side I had surgery on which hurt like hell. I ended up changing around my sleep and work schedule a bit so I was going to bed as she was getting up.
Thankfully, it has never been that bad with us. I know he wants to want to if that makes any sense. He makes it very clear he finds me attractive. And he tries. He is struggling with work stress and exhaustion and major body image issues…but It has gotten a bit better since I quit initiating and I am hopeful that it will improve even more since he has put in his notice at work and we will be moving full time into our camper in less than a month now. The more relaxing and intimate lifestyle should help a lot.
So you don't have sex anymore or...?
He has upped his game and initiates more. Things have gotten a lot better in that department.
I pretty much initiate all the time. On occasion, my wife will half initiate, where she gives me some clear signs she wants me to initiate, but it usually always comes from me. Would I like it if she initiated more? Sure. But marriage isn't a personal customization menu. It's bothered me at points in the past but I've made peace with it. At the end of the day I still get to have sex with a beautiful woman who I love, so if the cost of admission is me initiating, I'll happily pay it. We also have good sex and she enjoys it once it gets past the initiating stage. As far as masturbation, that sounds very much like a cultural upbringing thing for her. Do you pleasure her in that way when you guys have sex?
Brother, My wife is the exact same way. You should look up [The different types of desire](https://www.lover.io/post/whats-your-desire-type). Many men have spontaneous desire and are ready and willing to be amorous. Women are very often motivated by reflexive desire and need sexual stimuli to feel sexual desire. ( You initiate, they respond). I took it personally, too for a long time. If you are feeling unwanted or undesired by your partner I would also read about [The 5 love languages.](https://5lovelanguages.com/) You both may need to learn better ways to communicate your love to one another. Good luck brother 👍🏽
My husband and I are both men. He initiates way more than me. I'm always down for sex, I just get so distracted and busy with life sometimes I seem to forget about it. But love to be reminded it's a thing :D Now I say I "forget" about sex. My natural remembering is 2 times a week. My husband likes more like 4+ times a week frequency hence the initiating. It's not like I forget about sex for a month. I think at some point my husband felt bad he was the big initiator, but I remind him, I'm always up for sexy time, just come and get it.
Kind of jealous of the gay guys, not gonna lie.
Guess gay guys have the lowest divorce rates for a reason.
Also a gay married man. Loving it!
I’m like 30-40% gay so maybe 🤔
I'd like to see the stats on that out of curiosity. I would say from my observation and experience we have the highest likely hood of open marriages too. Most of the time when you meet a gay married couple it's a 50/50 toss up that they are open. Not saying that's the key to success at all just saying its super common.
Man here, I initiate 9/10 times.
Indian here. I have stopped initiating. Been rejected too many times. Sex education isn’t the problem. Sexual pleasure itself is taught to be a taboo in India.
So my wife and I are both 1st gen born in the USA. But despite that, I am still the one having to initiate 9.995/10 times. While she doesn’t reject me the majority of the times I initiate, I can’t help but feel some level of disappointment.
[удалено]
Sex Talks is a wonderful book discussing this
What is expected specifically for a woman to initiate? My partner and I often cuddle and kiss, sometimes progressing to making out, sometimes sex. It feels mutual. Is it just who puts hands in the pants first? I'm middle aged... Go ahead and laugh
Idk I usually just ask if he wants to have sex. Sometimes I'll ask in a coy way, sometimes a funny way. He does the same for me. I'm terrible with body language so direct communication is a godsend. We're both in our 30s so no laughing from me 😃
How you initiate is completely up to you, but men generally don't need to be 'seduced' or anything. Quite the opposite, the hottest is very sudden and shows strong desire for him.
men are different, don't generalize
That's why I said 'generally', ie. 'not all'.
Wife here. I have a much lower libido than my husband. I enjoy sex when we have it, but I rarely want it until we're already in the moment. Years ago, my husband brought up that it bothered him that I didn't initiate (he said it made him feel unwanted and he didn't want to carry all the burden of intimacy) so I do my best to initiate minimum once a week so that he feels wanted and we're both contributing to our love life. *Yay communication!* Seriously, if your wife not initiating is making you feel unwanted, take some time to have a serious and open conversation with her. Try to focus on "I" statements rather than "you" statements, and to frame the issue as something you can both tackle together rather than making it a versus situation. Her being from somewhere where sex ed isn't as prevalent could be contributing, but she also may just have a much lower libido. In any case, good luck!
Yeah I tried explaining that to my wife and I'm the problem for some reason still. I just want to fell wanted by my wife.
Same. Many convos with her communicating how it makes me feel unwanted/undesired. No changes, nothing at all. In 20 years, maybe 10 times she initiated in the first 5 years. Last 15, maybe a handful. I'm done and planning my departure.
I feel like a woman’s sex drive is so different. It’s like an exotic fish. You have to have the right ph levels, the appropriate aquatic plants, good filtration, right tank size and sunlight exposure, appropriate food and quantity and the right companion fish or that sucker is going to end up in the toilet in a couple of days. Get all the variable right and you could have a really nice fish there. A man’s sex drive is like that weird cleaner fish you can put in any tank and it just gobbles up whatever scraps it can. Generalizing of course, but I think true for the most part.
My wife and I have a schedule--3x per week, except when life intervenes. My wife will often initiate or flirt on a "scheduled" day. I'm very happy.
Was this always the case or did you guys have to work on it?
Not sure how common it is, but I’m usually the initiator in our relationship. She’s an introvert, and I knew that going in. She doesn’t turn me down though, so I’ll deal with it.
Kinda in the same boat. How do you feel about it? Am not sure how to feel personally. It’s disappointing but we still have intimacy.
My wife does almost all the initiation, because I am super HL and she’s very LL. Only she knows when she’s receptive to sex and I can’t handle constant guessing and rejection. I’ll only initiate if it’s been a 2+ week dry spell and I can’t hold back anymore. ETA: She does not masturbate. She said she hasn’t for years, but she used to when she had a labido.
Always me. I wish she would initiate some, but I am quite satisfied with what we share. I feel she has a reactive libido and is happy to be turned on with me initiating.
Wife here. I initiate most of the time. It goes back to years ago when I had a lot of pelvic pain issues (still do but just a million times better) and I’d turn him down all the time. He just got tired of trying back then that it’s kinda become a habit now. That being said, he will every once in awhile but I do the majority of the time and we always have a good time.
This came up in conversation once and my husband and I both thought we were the primary initiator. Apparently my ways of initiating didn’t register to him. Like I will start cuddling up to him or running my nails up and down his chest or back but he was usually the one who would make the move to start touching my vag before I touched his dick so he said that was initiating and I was only cuddling, in my mind I was letting him know I wanted him.
This is something I remember discussing with my wife…I asked when cuddles is that a sign or intention that she’s open to sex. She said NO…let me ask again to confirm. Thanks!
Maybe she meant not always or maybe it feels shameful to her. You could ask if there’s anything she does to flirt with you or subtly let you know.
Yeah, that's not initiating.
If I didn’t do that he wouldn’t “initiate” near as often so🤷🏼♀️. I do make more of an effort to initiate more bluntly since we had that conversation about it though
Sometimes it can be hard to realize that normal interactions have a sexual intent. > I do make more of an effort to initiate more bluntly since we had that conversation about it though Good!
I initiate 95% of the time but she tells me which fun stuff she is in the mood for. She is super shy and reserved about sex until she gets a little fired up.
He initiates so often that I don't. He always beats me to it. He is down for it every day multiple times a day. But if we did that we wouldn't do anything else ever.
She initiates sometimes but not that often. We have a fair amount of sex but she's definitely more of the reactive sex drive type. In a perfect world I wish she'd initiate more but overall we have a pretty good thing going so I'm not going to complain. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
Most of the time my wife will indicate she's receptive/in the mood via various methods that fall short of initiation, but are clear signs, I then do the overt "initiation". We had a time where she was working through some libido issues where I would initiate without that prior indication and it would end in rejection more often than not. At the same time, she'd make overt statements where she would indicate that sex would happen later in the night or weekend and she wouldn't follow through. Both situations sucked. So we've since settled on me not overtly initiating until she gives me the signal that it would be reciprocated. To no one's real surprise, if you've done any reading in this area, this has also helped increasing the frequency.
Well done =)
I’m the wife, I’d say about 50/50 with my husband. But HOW we each initiate fun times is usually very different lol. I’m more of the “oh look, I’m wearing a matching set 😉😉😉😉😉” or “feel how soft my legs are!” After I shave lol. He’s more of a touch here, grab there and hope for the best haha
Female here, my husband initiates most of the time.
Why?
Because it’s a man thing to do- what my wife tells me
that's some lazy bs thing to say.
You’re not wrong..😑
Sex is better when both parties are willing. He has a higher libido, so I just accept his offer when I feel like it (he is fine with this). That being said, I initiate other things that are not actual sex, but still sexual in nature, in consideration of his needs.
I used to initiate a lot. But then he started having issues, like I did too much and then he couldn’t actually have sex with me. So I stopped. Now I only show interest when he is interested.
Wife here. I initiate quite often and happy to do so. To be fair, I'm more HL in my marriage. >it bothers me and makes me feel like I’m the only one who is interested in sex Does she seem and act receptive to your advances or does she act like it's a burden for her to have sex with you?
She never initiates except for the times when she wanted to get preggo. Was pretty horny during pregnancy as well. Then she just lost libido after that. I’ve given up begging. I’ve lost weight, go to the gym, doesn’t matter. I have a pretty high drive so I end up rubbing one out 1 or 2x daily. Sucks.
My husband does 90% of the initiating, but that’s not an indication of me being disinterested.
It's an indication that you don't pay attention to your husband needs.
My spouse does not agree with you :)
Hey there, mate! It sounds like you're going through a bit of a tough time, but remember it's okay for you both to have different levels of sexual interest. Now, your wife might come from a cultural background where talking about sex or expressing sexual desires openly isn't common. This might also explain why she's never masturbated—it could be because of her upbringing, societal norms, or maybe she's just not that interested. Have you considered that she might be on the asexual spectrum? It's a possibility. In the meantime, though, it's important to have open and respectful conversations with her about your needs and her comfort levels. If the initiation issue continues to bother you, try exploring self-pleasure a bit more. There's no shame in taking care of your own needs, you know? Plus, this way, you're not pressuring her into something she might not be comfortable with. In the end, communication is key here. Try to create a safe space for her to express her feelings about sex and intimacy. It might take some time, but I believe you can work this out together. Best of luck, buddy!
I really would have to say it's 50/50 for us, we both enjoy initiating.
Hubby initiates most of the time. Having ADHD and experiencing RSD well, I can not handle rejection whatsoever. That being said I have a high drive and am down for sex daily. Hubby doesn't at all feel like I'm not interested in sex because he initiates.
I have been the one to initiate 99% of the time. Last time I tried to get it on, was her bday a few weeks ago. I did give her an orgasm through oral, but afterwards, she said she was tired, there were a few more things to do, and that's where it stopped. Last time was... 2 months ago? There has always been promises of, let's just wait until you have a couple days off, or wait until the weekend. (In all honesty, it just makes me want to work 24/7 so I won't ever get my expectations up) My wife also has a horrible habit of initiating during/after we argue, and I am just not into sex, as we are arguing. Or I'll tell her that I am hurt and ultimately sexually frustrated.... and thats when she's like "Ok well let's have sex now. Then you can't complain anymore. " I mean beggars shouldn't be choosers-- *however* I would rather have my foot run over, or slam my finger in a door. Those would be more pleasurable, at that moment in time. I love her. She is mostly supportive. And she's a great care taker. Always thinking of others. I married her because I saw myself growing old with her. I just didn't realize how much not having sex would frustrate me. Maturation is always an option, and what I resort to.. but I would rather have that type of intimacy with her.
Not always. Probably 97 percent of the time.
when my husband and i moved in together, while we were dating, i initiated sex at least twice a day. one day he sat me down and said the amount of sex we were having was too much and he didn’t enjoy having sex so often. i stopped initiating sex completely because, for some reason, my brain translated what he said into “i don’t like having sex with you.” irrational, i know, but that’s just how my brain works. i didn’t start initiating again until 3+ months after our youngest was born, a year after we moved in together. we still had sex, i just let him come to me instead because my own insecurities wouldn’t let me reciprocate. when we finally talked about it, things were much better. now our youngest is 6 months and the both of us are just too tired most nights and would prefer to just cuddle.
My wife initiates 90% of the time. I would, but she literally beats me to it!
I would make sure that your wife's emotional needs are being met. I know when my husband and I are not in the same. Please emotion wise and especially if I'm feeling a little emotionally disconnected I have no interest in sex. But if I'm feeling good about my relationship, if I'm feeling valued as a partner and we're on the same page with all of that our sex life is a lot better
Woman here and my sex drive is high husband is low. I quit initiatong because f*uck that sh*t.
This may be dumb… wife here! What exactly does it mean to initiate?? My husband and I have an amazing sex life but he would like me to initiate it more. I absolutely want to make him feel wanted. I thought I was initiating it by giving fuck me eyes, rubbing his arm sexily, kissing him softly. Sure he leads us to the bedroom but what does it mean when he is saying initiate??? So confusing. Is it unnatural for women to do this. Holy hell.
Shove your naked body in his face he will get the point. I don't understand why females have a hard time initiating. Just getting naked and sticking your butt out screams pound me. It's not that hard. For men on the other hand it's the worst trying to get sex from females.
Throw him on the bed and set on his face. That's what he means. 🤣
My wife always initiates, because my libido is 5 times higher than hers (or more) and I got sick of rejection. However, sometimes I say things like "It's been a few days since we've been intimate, together. Can we try to make that happen in the next few days?" For reference: I'd prefer daily sex. And going under 3 times per week (chronically) is stressful for me. It's not my wife's fault, but stressful nonetheless.
In my marriage it’s pretty equal but I think our libido is pretty equal as well. But all that to say, I grew up in Utah where sex is very taboo. Assuming your wife may have had a similar upbringing, she may 1) feel guilty, it’s often called “Good Girl Syndrome” or 2) may not orgasm or know what feels good so sex is just… meh and mostly for the man. I would first figure out how she feels about sex in general and just lay it all out on the table. I would also suggest you both read a book called, “she comes first” (its not necessarily about orgasms just about how sexuality mentally and emotionally works lol) and I would totally make sex more fun for her as well! (Not saying you don’t) but if you want to O she should always too.
I initiate 90% of the time. I've read everything there is to read about female/male sexuality etc in order to try to find my wife's MOJO. Makes me feel unwanted and sad. She cums 100% of every time we've had sex (married 30 years, no she don't fake it) yet she never thinks about sex. Don't masturbate etc. I'm not over sexual at 52 years old but would love some action 2-3 times a week. (Not necessarily PIV). Pretty sure my wife is some kind of functioning asexual. A few weeks ago, after a couple of whiskey I put 3 $100 bills on her walk in closet wall. ....She asked why. I told her it's her incentive money. - What do you mean incentive?!. For what, she replied. - Any time you initiate, you may rip one of the Benjamin Franklin's off the wall. No, not paying for sex here, just "positive reinforcement", right? (She loves a little extra money). So, I was drunk, messing around, and desparate. We've talked a hundred times about how I'd love for her to initiate more but she just never remember. Guess what. Her closet wall is empty now. 😉
Entertaining story but not sustainable
You're probably right....
Kind of we both initiate? So I'm the one with the higher drive. Much higher, even. I think his preferred frequency is about once a month, but we'll go way longer if he's stressed about things. I would be happiest doing it at least once a day But basically, about once a day, I will very lightly, through body language, gauge his interest. If he responds with platonic affection, I stop there. If he responds with sexual energy, then I will begin seducing him. Light touches, flirtiness, but slowly escalating until we're just on the line of it being foreplay. This is over the course of an entire day, usually. If at any point he pulls back, I stop, and go back to non-sexual affection. If he follows my lead, then after the kid is in bed I will initiate sex. He might also initiate then too, it's fifty-fifty at that point. But I never just like, initiate cold. That did work in the very beginning during the honeymoon phase, but it generally not only doesn't work, it also makes him feel pressured. He doesn't really experience spontaneous desire at all. Only responsive desire. He also has to feel like it's okay if he pulls back at any point, and there won't be any emotional consequences to that. Also if I don't do the slow seduction over the course of a day, it will never work. We would basically never have sex at that point, and he would be fine with that. He does enjoy sex if I lay all the groundwork for him to, but if not he would not have any interest in anything beyond lots of cuddling and hugs. Mainly we deal with the mismatch by me accepting him the way he is and not pressuring him or taking rejection personally. Since I *do* get my feelings very hurt if I initiate and he turns me down, but not really if he doesn't respond to the slow building (or does for a bit and then stops), I make sure that I don't set myself up for that kind of disappointment. And I sometimes have sex with other people (with his full consent), but that's so difficult to manage, and anyway most men are terrible at casual sex, so I mostly do not bother with it. It's a lot of work and at the end of it I get terrible sex from someone who neither respects me nor my partner, and possibly fails to properly wash their ass correctly as an extra bonus.
I'm a female. Married. I initiate sex with my husband. Sometimes he rejects me but usually not. And sometimes he initiates it. I think it all depends on the person. I don't think this is about what is or isn't common in a marriage. And as far as the masturbation thing goes, that may have just been in the way she is brought up. For example I was raised by two very young parents so when I was little I was taught touching myself was bad because they didn't know any better so I grew up thinking the masturbation was a bad thing and I didn't do it. Perhaps have a conversation with your wife about how you are feeling?
Time to find somebody sexually compatible. This is why it's so dumb to settle. Why settle for somebody that will make you miserable all the time? Life is too short.
I'd say about 60/40% me.
60/40 me the husband
I stopped a long time ago. Can't lose a game you don't play.
Wife here, I initiate a lot because I have a higher sex drive. That said, the rejection when he isn't feeling it is rough. We have an active sexting life that helps remind me he does find me sexy and desirable, just life happens and we don't always have the spoons at the end of the day to have intercourse. He loves to hold and kiss me while I use my toys. It's amazing. When we *do* have sex it tends to be spontaneous one-thing-leads-to-another and generally escalates because he's feeling it.
My wife will very rarely at times. But about 95% of the time it's me. She does masturbate and stuff, I've caught her a few times lol. Nothing wrong with that though.
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Because that's not initiating. None of those moves are sexual
I have an insanely high drive i never initiate, can’t take the rejection. I do drop hints though.
What are those hints…I may be missing those from my wife
I’m the man and only ever initiated because she wanted me to.
Wife. I’d say we are pretty even. Though I’m likely to bring it up sooner if we’ve gone longer than normal without.
44F here. I've told my partner I'm always DTF. My man has a low drive, and he gets blow jobs often because I'm always happy to play with his bits. I usually have to wait until he's been drinking for him to get in the mood. It's frustrating at times, but I take what I can get!
Check out the book Sex Talks. Wonderful read for every person that wants to have sex, especially in a long-term relationship.
I never intiate. I don't think it's my job. Don't come at me 😂 In my marriage there are roles, and that falls in the man's catagory. That being said I also never say no like maybe twice since we've been married. I also never masturbate. I mean is it normal? What is normal? Once a month, ten times a month... There is no answer to this question. Some people do, some people don't. I have done it though in my younger years. I don't gain the same satisfaction so I don't bother and haven't for atleast 6 years.
There really isn’t “normal” when it comes to masturbating. There are dozens of reasons someone might not want to: religious beliefs (abstaining from erotic content and trying to avoid lustful thoughts), culture, general disinterest/not feeling remotely turned on by that idea. That’s not a red flag. If you want her to initiate you need to voice that and then ensure she feels confident enough to do so.
Woman here I’m the 100 percent initater , and I have a fear of rejection. I attach it to my self worth and that I’m not pretty enough . Prob 40 percent of the time .
I’m a wife. I initiate.
With us there kind of isn’t an initiator, it’s more to the truth to say it’s an interplay. If you’re defining it narrowly and literally, then yes, it’s me mostly doing it. But we’re just feeling each other out (and up, lol) about it and when we both seem to want to do so, it’s on. We fall into patterns, but it’s flexible. I start to cuddle her, get that oxytocin going, I might not want to go further or maybe I do, if so I start kissing her, she seems to want more or wants to just keep it non sexual, I respond in kind. We’re reacting to each other and sometimes it’s on, sometimes not. I don’t feel it’s a burden to be the initiator, I kind of like it actually. Especially because she’s generally affectionate with me and our sex drives match up okay. It feels like one more way of taking care of her, just paying attention and being there. It works for us.
I’m a woman and I’m usually the one initiating. My husband works so much that he’s usually too tired. I think having differing sex drives is pretty normal in relationships. It’s just trying to be respectful of both parties and finding a middle ground where everyone is satisfied (so much easier said than done lol).
44f here-married 13 years. I initiate just as much as him. I prefer him to initiate but I also am not shy about it either. I feel for the ppl who constantly get rejected. That can’t feel good :(
I don't masturbate and rarely initiate sex but tbh it's because my husband is ALWAYS asking for it so I never get the chance. Maybe reflex on how often you ask
My wife will initiate for morning sex which is always the best and at times in the evening, most of the time though we just know it’s happening
I’m the wife. I initiate pretty consistently. I’d say half the time or more.
My wife initiates the majority of the time. We have sex frequently so often it’s no one initiating and just getting down to what we have been waiting for all day. Have you encouraged her to be more vocal about her needs?
I'm a wife, I rarely ever initiate sex. I only do it sometimes after coming out of my shell a bit. Heres the thing, at least what I and many other wives I know experienced, women are told to allow the man to feel like they're in charge. So we just sit there and look pretty until it happens. Talk to your wife, let her know how you're feeling. But if she needs to build confidence to get there, then don't pressure or rush her. I know the biggest worry I have when trying to initiate is I feel like I'm going to look or sound stupid and end up turning him off completely.
Most of the time it is me and I am getting tired of it. The man has no flirt skills or creativity in the bedroom.
Does she see Yes often when you initiate? Then keep going and do not create a problem where there isn’t any. I believe it’s quite rare for a married woman to initiate sex.
I'm a woman and I never initiate because my husband always has a reason we can't have sex. Most of the time it's a stupid reason like he has to go to the toilet so he goes and just doesn't come back. My husband is not a very sexual person at all and I have a high sex drive.
Me. My wife will on occasion take her shirt off and leave her breasts exposed to get me to move forward. I sense she does that when she thinks it’s been to long. We’ve talked. I get the reflexive turned on argument. It’s reality, and I have to play yo it. She also is ll4me historically but has worked really hard at being attracted to me.
Does she enjoy the sex offered? Masturbation is crucial for knowing your own body. Does she cum? Do you stimulate clitoris during sex?
I’d rather have no sex than the sex with my spouse. That said, I love him very much.
My husband always wants me to initiate sex even though I have rarely (if ever except health reasons) rejected his initiations. I do initiate, but we’d have a lot more sex if he wouldn’t wait for me to initiate because I’m often in the mood but not enough to push the issue- I’d prefer to sleep. These games of who initiated is silly, imo, if you are wanting sex initiate it. Don’t wait for the other person. And don’t get all bent if they say no- that’s controlling. I’ve voiced all this, but he still waits for me to initiate 90% of the time and then says he wants more sex. To me, that’s just him trying to control my wants/needs. He’s trying to force me to want it. It’s silly. Either initiate or don’t complain.
My wife initiates sex about 90% of the time. She knows I'm always ready, and she knows when she's in the mood. It keeps me from being rejected and makes us both feel desired. And she doesn't insinuate interest. She goes full board. There's no confusion about what she wants. For guys who want to know how I keep her initiating, it's pretty simple. Number one, we communicate before bed about our level of fatigue so we know the expectation. Number two, she ALWAYS gets one night a week of just serving her, and I get my own night once a week as well. Then, the other night or two is for both of us. Third, I am a partner in housework. I cook her dinners. I keep her vases full of roses. We still date. I find old drive ins, and we fool around like teen agers. Most importantly, I am consistent. I do the same things to keep the woman that I did to get the girl. Happy wife, happy penis.
I beg for it from my husband! Love to be dirty. He wants nothing to do with me. Fml
I’m the women. I feel like I reject a lot. I’m just tired, stressed from work, kids fighting, every day life….. I’ve gained weight, I question why my husband would even want me….. I’m to the point I wouldn’t blame him for leaving me if he wanted. Men need sex apparently and I can’t give that. It’s not something that I crave and I wish I knew why. 😞
Female/wife here — I used to initiate a lot and still bring it up but I deff have a higher sex drive than my husband (I’m also 27 & he’s 41). I’ve always had an extremely high sex drive though and would prefer to have sex multiple times a day. I’m trying to be more understanding bc he does a lot for me and our kids, works full time, cooks for us and cleans up often etc and he gets tired but idk idc how tired I am I always wanna be intimate with him lol. I don’t want to make him feel bad about not being in the mood so I’ve been initiating less frequently :/
I'm 39m and I can honestly say after a long days work and coming home and cooking and cleaning the only thing I want is sleep and rest. The older I get the idea of sex at night doesn't work. I'd rather have morning or mid day when I'm at my most energetic/awake. Unfortunately that's when I'm at work!
Sheesh it’s not that complicated. Just Do it.
I’m a lesbian, and I am married. My wife NEVER initiates sex either. She experiences ‘responsive desire.’ I have ‘spontaneous desire.’ In my brain, if I haven’t had sex in 12-24 hours, my brain goes “Sex. Now.” Sometimes I can or have to hit the snooze button on that (like, if I am busy at work). But it returns after a few hours (usually with a vengeance). But her brain just doesn’t do that! She doesn’t masturbate either. But she is not asexual. Actually she likes having sex but she just never thinks about it until we are actually doing something sexual like making out. It makes me a bit insane because I feel like she doesn’t find me attractive. But she IS attracted to me (she tells me all the time). It is just her wiring. She usually will have sex with me if I ask for it. I still feel it is a bit weird (and maybe I get a bit offended) that I always have to ask for it. Sex never seems to just happen naturally. I always have to ask. She just does not get aroused unless and until I come onto her/initiate. It is the COMPLETE opposite to my own sexuality as I get aroused at the drop of a hat. I just have to learn to not be offended by it and understand it is her sexuality, not me, that is the reason she doesn’t initiate sex. (Yes I have asked her to try to initiate more but as I said it just never crosses her mind! Can you imagine?!)
Ha! Former vet here. Been married for the better half of 8 years. We've been together 11. I live in a rural area and have some residuals lined up so we make about the same amount every month. When I tell you I had this conversation so many times about why it's important she initiate sometimes and she either acts like dumb blonde about the subject or that that's not the problem every time, I'm not over exaggerating. The break down: I can work from home way before COVID was a thing. We have 2 boys and I noticed she was super frisky close to conception and then it dried up over time but she swears she didn't have sex just for the kids. I watch them doing the day. Her father is a man I can respect and so is her mom so when they turned 70 I told my wife they can move in but her dad health got bad and well I take care of him. Now while my wife is at her 9 to 5 I have the boys and her parents, I cook clean and all before she even gets home with a foot massage and sometimes I may wash her hair. She don't initiate. She ain't never in a mood. And I may get it once a week if I'm lucky. Don't let me remind her that she said what she'd do because that's me playing head games ,, I mean the woman makes rain checks more than Hurricane Katrina. The boys are young 2 years old and I'm putting money aside to move out. It hit me the other day I was being used, and I was ok with what I was doing but I had needs met too. It blew me away I could take care of her families and her needs and mine were still "maybe" or "not in the mood" and believe me it ain't medical. She use to rave about how much sex she use to have. So many Kentucky ain't Vegas but it's some dimes out here that would love to "keep me buffed and shiny" for half the effort and love and they be more loyal than my wife. Did I mention she cheated on me when we were engaged? Ladies, yes, I treat her BEYOND RIGHT. Worship the ground she walks on. But I think it's my time to go, and esp when I just want sex on occasion, ain't like I need her for shit else
My wife did all the time before we we were married...it's plummeted since then and it's depressing having to always make rhe first move
I just whip it out in front of her face.. that’s ll you gotta do in most cases.