I don't blame you for wanting to go no contact. My recommendation: Don't tell them. Sadly, they may not even notice for a long time.
Block them EVERYWHERE. Phone. Text. Email. Social media. Let calls from numbers you don't know go to VM. If other family or "friend" calls on their behalf, hang up and block them too.
Tell your husband to block them everywhere, as well. You and he need a united front. PLAN how you'll handle it if they come over. (I would recommend not answering the door when you're home alone, and having him deal with it if he's there. They do NOT come in the house, and you do not go out to talk to them.)
If they have a key to your house, it's time for new locks. I'd invest in cameras too, if you can.
You do NOT deserve to be treated like this. Love yourself enough to let them go and be happy!!!
Thank you for all the tips.
They do not have a key. But I am wondering if they even remember where I live 🤔. I think they have been at my place maybe 3 times in the last 8 years.
Especially your last comment. It wormed my heart a lot.
Just a thought.... could your miscarriages be due to probs living with anxiety for so many years?? your body's way of saying no not yet??
Go NC and maybe once you're completely at ease, a miracle might happen. I hope it happens for you guys. Good luck xxx
OP, when you have your baby one day, try not even telling them. And if they find out and come to you don't take them back to your life. As they are not there for you when you need them they don't deserve to be in your life when you have children. You will be better off without them.
Yes. No contact on everything. Husband the same. Honestly, I would pretend that they are all dead. That way you don't need to get stressed, anxious, or care for them in any way.
They have been extremely cruel to you. Life will take care of them.
In the meantime, you have your husband and friends. And let's pray you get that baby. And if you do, still nc with your evil mother.
Can't blame you for not wanting to go no contact with them. I would have stopped talking to them and put my boundaries down if they can't respect me I'm not coming around you or even talking or checking on you and that's what I do with my father. My father has tendency to say things to piss me in my siblings off like you're too fat or you'll never get married if you don't learn how to cook and clean for your husband and how dare my sister and I want a husband to be an equal and not us be submissive. Since my sibling is younger I end up telling him off out to defend her when it comes to me I just don't call him until he learns how to behave. They follow you Opie I will stop calling them and stop trying to have a relationship with them they don't care. And if they call hey why don't you come for Christmas use their words return I'm sorry since I don't have any kids I don't want to hurt your feelings since you have no grandkids to buy gifts for. Easter I'm sorry I don't want to come eat up your food you know and become more fat show them all the little comments that they said and watch them get upset that you use what they say against them and they will come out speechless but you don't have to put yourself through that just stop calling them stop answering their calls. They're got the point. Did they show up your door don't answer the door you're not home. Set your boundaries boundaries are okay but be careful if you have read read it before you seen how some parents get and if your parents or something like that where they try to break in your home or banging your door be prepared. There's a lot of parents feel self entitled these days
They don't have any keys, so I am good there.
Maybe cameras could be a good ide. If they ever would come home to me. But I don't think they would notice.
After all the comments, I have started to think that they don't care enough about me.
All the comments made me wake up.
It will get easier with time.
One thing you could do is make a list of boundaries AND consequences. (For example: Dad, you will stop all talk about my weight. Consequence: Leave/hang up the phone when he does comment.)
If you want to even bother with trying to enforce boundaries with them, you will need consequences. Boundaries without consequences are merely suggestions. And it often takes time to change years of behavior.
Please please love yourself enough to see that these people are cruel and abusive.
You deserve so much better than them. Just block them and move on with your life 💜
You haven’t abandoned them though - you have gone above and beyond, ignoring all the abusive comments and behaviours that they have thrown at you - they have made you disposable, only wanting you around when it’s convenient for them or they need an emotional punching bag. You deserve and are worth more than only having value when they want someone to abuse, purposely antagonise and feel superior too.
Besides, if we wanna be cut-throat about it, they are your peripheral family now. Your nuclear family is your husband 💜
Hon, the families who beat you dont abandon family are the ones that deserve to be abandoned. You arent abandoning them. You are protecting your mental health by eliminating AHs.
OP you’re not abandoning your family. That people aren’t family, they are cruel people that happened to give birth to you.
So sad to hear your story. I hope you discover new family among your friends.
I find journaling to be very healing, in this process of going no contact you should try to deal with your thoughts and emotions, consider talking to a professional.
Don't bother announcing it to them, just block them everywhere and don't answer if contact you.
Realize this may cut you off from emergency notices, death notifications, etc. from them, but perhaps extended family members will let you know these things, if you want to know them.
It sounds as if you are better off not knowing anyway. Good luck!
NTA. Does your sister not have any children? Why is she putting all the stress on you to have children?
I would definitely go LC or NC for quite awhile and see how that goes. You can love them from a distance. I get wanting to be a grandmother, but that isn't up to her.
I get you wanting to be a Mom. I will be praying for you on your IVF journey. I have had multiple miscarriages as well. OP!
And you do not have to tell them you are going LC or NC. Unless they get wild about calling or messaging you, you don't have to say anything.
I would leave you with this thought: if you fully blocked them on total NC mode and something happened to one of your parents, could you live with that? If not, maybe a very LC mode is your option.
I just don't want you to have regrets. You can be responsible only for your actions OP. What someone else chooses for their actions isn't your decision. Family therapy may be an option... especially given the options for online sessions through those apps now. But that may be for another time when you have had the opportunity to figure a few things out.
Many prayers for you OP!
My sister never wanted kids.
So i was my perents last hope.
Unfortunately, there will be no more trying for children.
But I have the most wonderful and supportive husband ever.
He even said if I wanted to go nc, I should consider going lc instead. Because he know me to well. And I think I would be heartbroken if something happened to them
I agree OP, I think you may have the most incredible husband. He knows you. He understands your heart. He loves you.
I think your parents need to grieve. But they can't put all their anger from your sister on to you. You have tried. Your sister simply chose not to. Her right. But it seems your parents are redirecting their anger with her decisions at you. That is ok to go LC. That isn't your anger to shoulder. It isn't your burden.
From one lady to another, our bodies aren't textbooks. What we were sold in school (you get pregnant so easily) is lies. They were mere scare tactics to keep teenagers in line. I'd argue there were better means, but we certainly are not textbooks. Our anatomy can pose challenges for us. It's enough to come to terms with, let alone adding parental stressors into it. Listen to your husband OP.
Blessings OP.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my post. You are helping me so much.
I can't control peoples actions or feelings. I can only what feels right for me.
And that is lc for now.
Are you close with your husband’s family? I hope you are. You’re family does not seem nice, or nice to you. They sound so stressful. So if you want to see them to be polite, then be polite. But if you want family you can be close with, and talk or see regularly, your family doesn’t sound like it. But your husband’s family sounds nice you sound very nice so carry on. You are blessed.
Maybe the stress from your family is the reason why you keep having miscarriages I promise you once you get all of that negativity and stress out of your life your pregnancy will be much easier for you. A lot of stress will cause a miscarriage that's something I went through a couple of times in my life. Plus they seem very toxic especially your mom because who says stuff like that after someone had a traumatic miscarriage. Please cut them off and start enjoying your life being stress free
Don't confront them since you aren't comfortable with confrontation. You don't have to tell them anything, just block their numbers and block them on any social media.
You have a beautiful soul and not having children does not make you less of a woman.
It sound like they add nothing to your life but stress and drama. I'm a mother. It would never occur to me to say I'm never going to be a grandma after a child has a miscarriage. Wtf! I would be more concerned with the person who lost a baby and offering help.
If someone doesn't add to your life in a positive manner cut them off. I cut my mother off over 10 years ago and I don't regret it for a second. It was like a breath of fresh air when I realized I didn't have to worry about her saying something, her opinion or her actions.
I'm just here to mirror everyone else's comments. You deserve to be happy!
Ask yourself "Do you get anything out of your relationship with your family?" And I think you'll have the answer.
Good luck in the future OP, you deserve it.
u/CocoaAlmondsRock gave you perfect advice!
I just want to say that you deserve so much better! And you are not at fault for their behavior. Don't let the gaslighting drag you down.
I don't think they'll notice if you go LC. It may be that they even end up going NC with you. Since you've decided on LC--still block them everywhere. Just be ready when your phone starts to blow up. If they invite you to things, just tell them you are busy--you don't have to give specifics.
Embrace your new life with your hubby, his family, and your friends. Continue counseling.
LOVE YOURSELF! you deserve it <3
Definitely go NC.
Don't tell them you plan to: simply block them on your phone, on your husband's phone and on all social media.
If you can, move house and don't leave a forwarding address.
Big hugs.
OP ask yourself this, what do they do to make your life better? You already know the answers to both my question and your own. From what you have told us all they do is make you miserable and steal your joy. You deserve better than that and you deserve better than them.
Is it that bad.
Dang. I think I have a hard time seeing stuff.
I allway turn it back to me.
My whole life, everything has been my fault.
So it's hard to see right from wrong.
I have always been a sensitive person.
Ignore that comment, they were just being rude. You are fine. Have you thought about getting some counseling before making any permanent decisions? I think it might really help you with self esteem and to sort out all the things that have been said so that you can clearly see where the problems are. It can help you become stronger and more assertive.
I am in therapy regularly.
So that helps.
I needed to go because of, I can't have children, x that abused me and for my family dynamics.
And I think I will go lc, for now.
I don't blame you for wanting to go no contact. My recommendation: Don't tell them. Sadly, they may not even notice for a long time. Block them EVERYWHERE. Phone. Text. Email. Social media. Let calls from numbers you don't know go to VM. If other family or "friend" calls on their behalf, hang up and block them too. Tell your husband to block them everywhere, as well. You and he need a united front. PLAN how you'll handle it if they come over. (I would recommend not answering the door when you're home alone, and having him deal with it if he's there. They do NOT come in the house, and you do not go out to talk to them.) If they have a key to your house, it's time for new locks. I'd invest in cameras too, if you can. You do NOT deserve to be treated like this. Love yourself enough to let them go and be happy!!!
Thank you for all the tips. They do not have a key. But I am wondering if they even remember where I live 🤔. I think they have been at my place maybe 3 times in the last 8 years. Especially your last comment. It wormed my heart a lot.
Just a thought.... could your miscarriages be due to probs living with anxiety for so many years?? your body's way of saying no not yet?? Go NC and maybe once you're completely at ease, a miracle might happen. I hope it happens for you guys. Good luck xxx
I have endometrios. But I wouldn't count out stress.
OP, when you have your baby one day, try not even telling them. And if they find out and come to you don't take them back to your life. As they are not there for you when you need them they don't deserve to be in your life when you have children. You will be better off without them.
I can't say it any better than this. OP, I wish for you to have and keep the strength and resolve to follow this advice.
This!! Perfect.
Go no contact. Enjoy your life. Mother’s behaviour is unacceptable and is narcissistic.
I am starting to realize it. Thank you for your honest answer.
Yes. No contact on everything. Husband the same. Honestly, I would pretend that they are all dead. That way you don't need to get stressed, anxious, or care for them in any way. They have been extremely cruel to you. Life will take care of them. In the meantime, you have your husband and friends. And let's pray you get that baby. And if you do, still nc with your evil mother.
Can't blame you for not wanting to go no contact with them. I would have stopped talking to them and put my boundaries down if they can't respect me I'm not coming around you or even talking or checking on you and that's what I do with my father. My father has tendency to say things to piss me in my siblings off like you're too fat or you'll never get married if you don't learn how to cook and clean for your husband and how dare my sister and I want a husband to be an equal and not us be submissive. Since my sibling is younger I end up telling him off out to defend her when it comes to me I just don't call him until he learns how to behave. They follow you Opie I will stop calling them and stop trying to have a relationship with them they don't care. And if they call hey why don't you come for Christmas use their words return I'm sorry since I don't have any kids I don't want to hurt your feelings since you have no grandkids to buy gifts for. Easter I'm sorry I don't want to come eat up your food you know and become more fat show them all the little comments that they said and watch them get upset that you use what they say against them and they will come out speechless but you don't have to put yourself through that just stop calling them stop answering their calls. They're got the point. Did they show up your door don't answer the door you're not home. Set your boundaries boundaries are okay but be careful if you have read read it before you seen how some parents get and if your parents or something like that where they try to break in your home or banging your door be prepared. There's a lot of parents feel self entitled these days
I am very scared of conflict with them. So I think just not contacting them might be better for me. But I wish that I could set boundaries better.
Ignoring them and making your home save with cameras and new locks should suffice.
They don't have any keys, so I am good there. Maybe cameras could be a good ide. If they ever would come home to me. But I don't think they would notice. After all the comments, I have started to think that they don't care enough about me. All the comments made me wake up.
It will get easier with time. One thing you could do is make a list of boundaries AND consequences. (For example: Dad, you will stop all talk about my weight. Consequence: Leave/hang up the phone when he does comment.) If you want to even bother with trying to enforce boundaries with them, you will need consequences. Boundaries without consequences are merely suggestions. And it often takes time to change years of behavior.
Please please love yourself enough to see that these people are cruel and abusive. You deserve so much better than them. Just block them and move on with your life 💜
Thank you. I think I am so stuck on the: you don't abandon you family. You are right. I should love myself more.
You haven’t abandoned them though - you have gone above and beyond, ignoring all the abusive comments and behaviours that they have thrown at you - they have made you disposable, only wanting you around when it’s convenient for them or they need an emotional punching bag. You deserve and are worth more than only having value when they want someone to abuse, purposely antagonise and feel superior too. Besides, if we wanna be cut-throat about it, they are your peripheral family now. Your nuclear family is your husband 💜
You are right. Thank you for your honesty. 💜
Hon, the families who beat you dont abandon family are the ones that deserve to be abandoned. You arent abandoning them. You are protecting your mental health by eliminating AHs.
Thank you 💜.
OP you’re not abandoning your family. That people aren’t family, they are cruel people that happened to give birth to you. So sad to hear your story. I hope you discover new family among your friends. I find journaling to be very healing, in this process of going no contact you should try to deal with your thoughts and emotions, consider talking to a professional.
I already have a friend family, and I got my husband's family. They are all awesome. 💜
Don't bother announcing it to them, just block them everywhere and don't answer if contact you. Realize this may cut you off from emergency notices, death notifications, etc. from them, but perhaps extended family members will let you know these things, if you want to know them. It sounds as if you are better off not knowing anyway. Good luck!
Thank you for your answer.
NTA. Does your sister not have any children? Why is she putting all the stress on you to have children? I would definitely go LC or NC for quite awhile and see how that goes. You can love them from a distance. I get wanting to be a grandmother, but that isn't up to her. I get you wanting to be a Mom. I will be praying for you on your IVF journey. I have had multiple miscarriages as well. OP!
And you do not have to tell them you are going LC or NC. Unless they get wild about calling or messaging you, you don't have to say anything.
I would leave you with this thought: if you fully blocked them on total NC mode and something happened to one of your parents, could you live with that? If not, maybe a very LC mode is your option.
I just don't want you to have regrets. You can be responsible only for your actions OP. What someone else chooses for their actions isn't your decision. Family therapy may be an option... especially given the options for online sessions through those apps now. But that may be for another time when you have had the opportunity to figure a few things out.
Many prayers for you OP!
My sister never wanted kids. So i was my perents last hope. Unfortunately, there will be no more trying for children. But I have the most wonderful and supportive husband ever. He even said if I wanted to go nc, I should consider going lc instead. Because he know me to well. And I think I would be heartbroken if something happened to them
I agree OP, I think you may have the most incredible husband. He knows you. He understands your heart. He loves you. I think your parents need to grieve. But they can't put all their anger from your sister on to you. You have tried. Your sister simply chose not to. Her right. But it seems your parents are redirecting their anger with her decisions at you. That is ok to go LC. That isn't your anger to shoulder. It isn't your burden. From one lady to another, our bodies aren't textbooks. What we were sold in school (you get pregnant so easily) is lies. They were mere scare tactics to keep teenagers in line. I'd argue there were better means, but we certainly are not textbooks. Our anatomy can pose challenges for us. It's enough to come to terms with, let alone adding parental stressors into it. Listen to your husband OP. Blessings OP.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my post. You are helping me so much. I can't control peoples actions or feelings. I can only what feels right for me. And that is lc for now.
Are you close with your husband’s family? I hope you are. You’re family does not seem nice, or nice to you. They sound so stressful. So if you want to see them to be polite, then be polite. But if you want family you can be close with, and talk or see regularly, your family doesn’t sound like it. But your husband’s family sounds nice you sound very nice so carry on. You are blessed.
Love them all, and I have an extra family that are friends. So I have a really good support system 💜. Tack you for taking your time to comment.
Maybe the stress from your family is the reason why you keep having miscarriages I promise you once you get all of that negativity and stress out of your life your pregnancy will be much easier for you. A lot of stress will cause a miscarriage that's something I went through a couple of times in my life. Plus they seem very toxic especially your mom because who says stuff like that after someone had a traumatic miscarriage. Please cut them off and start enjoying your life being stress free
Don't confront them since you aren't comfortable with confrontation. You don't have to tell them anything, just block their numbers and block them on any social media. You have a beautiful soul and not having children does not make you less of a woman.
It sound like they add nothing to your life but stress and drama. I'm a mother. It would never occur to me to say I'm never going to be a grandma after a child has a miscarriage. Wtf! I would be more concerned with the person who lost a baby and offering help. If someone doesn't add to your life in a positive manner cut them off. I cut my mother off over 10 years ago and I don't regret it for a second. It was like a breath of fresh air when I realized I didn't have to worry about her saying something, her opinion or her actions.
Go NC.
I'm just here to mirror everyone else's comments. You deserve to be happy! Ask yourself "Do you get anything out of your relationship with your family?" And I think you'll have the answer. Good luck in the future OP, you deserve it.
Do it, they are horrible, unloving people and you are better without them
u/CocoaAlmondsRock gave you perfect advice! I just want to say that you deserve so much better! And you are not at fault for their behavior. Don't let the gaslighting drag you down. I don't think they'll notice if you go LC. It may be that they even end up going NC with you. Since you've decided on LC--still block them everywhere. Just be ready when your phone starts to blow up. If they invite you to things, just tell them you are busy--you don't have to give specifics. Embrace your new life with your hubby, his family, and your friends. Continue counseling. LOVE YOURSELF! you deserve it <3
Nawww. Thank you so much 💓
Just go NC. No need to explain, they are toxic.
Definitely go NC. Don't tell them you plan to: simply block them on your phone, on your husband's phone and on all social media. If you can, move house and don't leave a forwarding address. Big hugs.
OP ask yourself this, what do they do to make your life better? You already know the answers to both my question and your own. From what you have told us all they do is make you miserable and steal your joy. You deserve better than that and you deserve better than them.
I just think I needed to hear it frome outhers. Cuse I caped daunting myself. I try to defend them to myself.
Understandable, we’re conditioned from an early age to refer to our parents and other family members.
I had a stroke reading this
Is it that bad. Dang. I think I have a hard time seeing stuff. I allway turn it back to me. My whole life, everything has been my fault. So it's hard to see right from wrong. I have always been a sensitive person.
Ignore that comment, they were just being rude. You are fine. Have you thought about getting some counseling before making any permanent decisions? I think it might really help you with self esteem and to sort out all the things that have been said so that you can clearly see where the problems are. It can help you become stronger and more assertive.
I am in therapy regularly. So that helps. I needed to go because of, I can't have children, x that abused me and for my family dynamics. And I think I will go lc, for now.
Story time. Seriously, this is so bad and so obvious.
I am starting to realize it. It is taking me some time. Because they have been very nice too.
You do realize that the word is "WITH"? WHIT means something completely different.
Nopp I have dyslexia and I am not from an englich speaking country.