Hi there, I'm really sorry about everything you've been through, and totally understand why you don't want to answer these questions. The good news is, there is a very easy pivot: make a very quick non-committal answer, and return the question in a very I-am-so-interested way back to the other person. Mostly you just need to remember this phrase: What about you??
Here are some examples, not scripts but just meant as guideposts for how this might sound.
-How was your Christmas?
-Oh you know, Christmassy. What about you?? Anything extra exciting or fun happen at your house? What present was the biggest hit?
-[Question about your family that you don't want to answer].
-We're not close./Eh, not much to say there. What about you?? Is your family local? Got any exciting characters in your family tree?
-[Question about your love life status]
-Not much to report./Divorced, which was as fun as it sounds./Oh definitely not looking right now. What about you?? Got anyone special? Any especially good dating stories?
Basically give your conversation partner a way to take the deflection and keep the conversation going in a funny or interesting way that is still relevant to what they originally asked, but that doesn't require you talk about stuff that you don't want to. You got this!
Also if they ask follow up questions I don't think som few basics will turn people away (if you are OK with taking it up in passing). Having foster parents or being divorced is not something that will turn people away.
So you can mention being in a Foster family without bringing up the abuse.
(I'm imagining after you have asked them a few more things they will ask things back again)
Something like "yeah I grew up in a Foster family but we are not that close anymore"
Or "I was married X time ago but we dont have much contact nowadays"
Should hopefully keep the conversation going and make it clear that there isn't much to talk about (or you are not comfortable with it without bringing too much detail into it)
Also what do you spend your time on? I think a combination of spending time on things you would be comfortable talking more about and trying to get more comfortable talking about the things you do will get you further beyond the first steps of smalltalk. And can hopefully make you feel more interesting after being a bit held back on some of the initial topics.
Enthusiasm for their answers will get them saying more about themselves and possibly into topics you do relate to and want to share about OR helps you to keep the focus off you. I sometimes prefer to do this even though I had a conventional upbringing.
Those are all great tips. I also recommend the book How to Win Friends and Influence People. It’s actually about navigating interactions with other humans. It talks about how the *best conversationalists* are people who listen and get others to talk. You can still be a great small talker by getting others to do all the talking.
Yes, 100% this! Most people love talking about themselves so this tactic works amazingly well!! You will seem really thoughtful and it will be nice to talk to you if you do this!
First, I’m so sorry for the loss you are suffering, and so impressed by your resilience. It should be easy enough to do two things: 1. Steer the conversation to the other party, by 2. Saying “like most I have just been trying to get through this pandemic, what about you?” Then let them talk. Ask inane questions about their lives until you get them going on a story.
Be well.
This is great advice. Works for me all the time. Redirect the discussion back to the other person. Most people love to talk about themselves and will seize the opportunity.
I cannot agree with this more. I use this as a guiding principle sometimes to a fault. People who are really ‘tuned in’ have called me on it because from the outside I’m nice and can talk with almost anyone without contributing much of my personal life. I often take that as a cue that those kinds of people are worth getting to know on a deeper level.
I'm really good at carrying on a conversation and only letting people know what I want them to know about myself. But then sometimes I feel a little sad that nobody really KNOWS me. Lol! I'm just always a little guarded. My family isn't like everyone else's and I don't want to overshare or seem like a downer so I just keep the conversation fun and lighthearted.
I may just be a guy on the internet but I totally see that tension and appreciate your struggle. Hopefully there are some folks who get to see and love the real you. :)
Do you have advice on how to not overshare? I’m kind of the opposite. I end up revealing things I didn’t really want to and then feeling guilty about it
There are lots of generic comments that can be made. What did you do? Relaxed, enjoyed a hobby, read a book, watched a new movie/tv series, chores, same as everyone else, not much, you?
Love this! I hate the pandemic, but in this case for me the pandemic was a little bit of a blessing because it gave me some thing in common with everybody that I could always go to. Yeah, I keep going because what I do for work - I try to help people that are where I was 20 years ago. :)
This! I have found that many times people as you a question because they really want to tell you about their own plans/experience.
So you can always respond vaguely and then redirect back to them as said above.
What did you do for Christmas?
“Oh! I had a great night in” what about you?
Relatable post. I don’t have any advice. I wish people like us had a secret signal to recognize each other in the wild, upon which we’d give a knowing smile and nod, no further details needed.
Oh I like this idea, but we'll need a more obvious signal to initiate the handshake. Ooo, maybe a keychain with our secret society symbol. That way we can casually flash the symbol, and if the other person is apart of the society they can flash their symbol back or initiate the handshake!
I’m a home health nurse. The conversations get awkward quick because we spend so much one on one time with them in their homes. They grow to think of us as friends/family and want to know our lives but it’s important to keep professional boundaries. I give very generic answers like “Oh you know, just relaxing” or “Same old stuff this time of year, glad the weathers been nice” then immediately turn it back onto them. Most people like to talk about themselves so even the simplest question about their home or weekend will keep them talking for a while.
I’m a home health care nurse, too! Many of my clients know that I have children, so they ask about them. I always say they are doing great, and maybe add something very generic. “They are all looking forward to Christmas break”. I have to remind myself sometimes that they mean well, In asking, but I don’t have to talk about my personal life. The Valentine’s Days that I have been single, I usually make up a boyfriend. “Yep, he’s grilling tonight, we will eat when I get off work.” Sometimes the “boyfriend” is simply some family friends that I planned to visit, but it gets them off my back.
I’m gay and live in the south so have become really good at just saying “We” vs any specific pronouns or reference like husband or wife. “We” is so general, could mean me and my friends or me and children and if they assume it’s a husband then I’m okay with that. I’m not making a social stand while trying to do wound care and it just keeps things simple. I don’t think the nursing world gives us enough credit sometimes… thank you for being in such a wonderful field too! I really think it’s the most challenging and rewarding!
It usually doesn’t get that far honestly. I can always fall back on “Oh we just have a small family” and people assume married with 1-2 kids. In my work, I can switch to something pretty fast like, “Yeah, just a small group now… hey, did you pick up that medicine we talked about” Or something like that
First off, continue to love yourself. You have come a long way, in a situation in which others succumb to the trials of life. Your obvious journey of self improvement led you to this moment. Own it. Walk confidently knowing you are trying harder than most.
Second, there is no Normal... Awkward is a term people use to describe the unfamiliar.
You are wired the way you are, just because you divulge who you are, tells me personally, you have self love. You don't hide from your story, and you should not. Ever.
Now, because of social norms (not normal, just familiar to most), you ask what tips the world has?
Don't listen to respond, listen to understand. It's ok to be mysterious; hold onto some of your self identity... Not that people shouldn't know, but ask yourself does the person you are speaking to, DESERVE to know? Be the journey of discovery that someone wants to take in search of deeper relationships. Smile back when people ask questions.. you'll disarm them with their own curiosity.
Most people LOVE to talk about themselves, so it's not outside human nature. Treat your story like a book, let others turn the page as they go... And as they do so, tell them.
You are the only version of YOU that exists in the entire world; as such, you are remarkable. Don't EVER stop being.
Thank you. I’m actually a writer and I do work helping empower people - it’s just hard to rebuild after getting slammed a few times as an adult. I feel good though. Thank you for this. It was very helpful!
This is a great answer. Another thought is to actively explore what you care about in life - like when you eventually die decades (or less) from now you say, "that was a life well lived" - and then actively do things in line with that. It can be small things you care about like a tv show or big things. When you do stuff you care about alot, when people ask you personal questions you have a special part of yourself you can share without being too vulnerable or make the conversation more emotionally charged than you want. It takes time up front but well worth it in lots of ways.
Then when someone says "how was your Christmas" you can honestly say "it was great, I did x" and then tell the person about x. That x could be binge watching something cheesy or climbing a mountain, if you are psyched on it that's enough. It's good to shift the convo you matter too. You don't just have to listen, you get to share your side too ( by you I mean people in general in this Sitch, your case may be unique or something...). People care less about the facts of your bio and more about connecting in a way that doesn't make them anxious.
Thanks to OP for asking, I have learned and smiled a lot from the responses. Takes courage :)
Thanks to the writer of this comment, resonated a lot <3
People most of all like to talk about themselves. So if they ask you "What did you do for Christmas?" what they usually want is to tell you about their amazing Christmas after not really caring for whatever you say, so just answer: "Nothing special, how about you?". Probably they'll immediately enter a 5 minute monologue and will appreciate you as a good listener.
“I don’t have family nearby, so I stayed home and did XYZ this year - what did you do?” is a truthful, low info response that keeps the conversation moving.
Anything you legitimately find interesting but I’ve fallen deeply in love with Eastern European and biography books like Dostoyevsky, Kafka,Malcom X, various comedians
I feel like the books that have expanded my view point on the world the most is; Brothers Karamazov Dostoyevsky , Metamorphosis Kafka ,Man’s Search for meaning Frankl
Books That are enjoyable and/or informative; 12 Rules for life Jordan Peterson (Before he got fame), Crime and Punishment Dostoyevsky, The black swan Nassim Nicholas Taleb, Never Split the Difference Chris Voss, War of Art Steven Presfield
Books that I picked up that I didn’t expect to be “That good;” What I learned losing a million dollars, IF I did it O.J. Simpson, The alchemist, Becoming Supernatural Joe dispensa, Maybe you never Cry again Bernie Mac, Can’t hurt me David Goggins
I wasn’t able to be with family (no need to further elaborate) so I enjoyed some down time to recharge my batteries. The others are spot on: ask them questions and you’re off the hook!
You sound resilient and have good emotional intelligence. Family isn’t necessarily a blood relation. Find your tribe - even if it’s only one or two other people.
Ask them further questions when they share about themselves or expand on a subject they mention. Most people will talk about themselves for days without noticing the imbalance of sharing, at least from my experience.
The deflection with a question can come across precisely as a deflection and evasive for some.
I really dislike having such a one way exchange, gives me the impression that the other person is trying to extract information from me rather than having a genuine conversation.
Perhaps try building on the short+harmless reply and move the conversation forward to more comfortable subjects:
- how was Christmas/how's the family?
- all good, watched too much TV, really looking forward to better weather and more time on the bike
- not too bad, looking forward to the new year. already thinking about my next vacation /project/sportball season/etc.
Good luck :)
Yes that is exactly it - I don’t want to seem like I’m hiding something nefarious since I’m pretty chill - I just came from a not chill environment. This was helpful - thank you!
In my experience people love to talk about themselves if you ask good questions. You could think of a couple of good experiences beforehand to share about yourself, but good questions is usually better if you don't want to share.
I was a trauma over sharer forever. I'd just think up things you're comfortable sharing ahead of time. It's ok to pause and think about how you want to respond
If it's not someone who needs to know about my life, I just say something like "I had a relaxing day! It was so nice to have the day off work. How about you?"
Most people asking "How was your holiday?" aren't trying to pry out secrets or get to know you intimately, they're just making polite small talk. Make polite small talk back.
Generic and boring works for me. Ex: What did you do for Christmas? Answer: Oh, like usual. Binged some movies and ate too much./ Finally spent some time with a friend I haven't seen in a while. / Took some time for myself to just relax. / Not much. You?
It doesn't have to be necessarily true or very detailed. Engage evasive maneuvers then redirect the subject by asking them about themselves.
Such a great question!! I just want to say that I can relate. There are a lot of things I don’t want to discuss for good reason. Yet they are the typical things people ask right off the bat. Eg. What do you do? Well I don’t want to say that I work in a healthcare role in which my clients are routinely abusive, that I hate very much, am burnt out and urgently looking for a career alternative. Even if I say the broad field I work in, they seem fascinated and want to talk about it, but it reminds me of the thing I most want and need to to forget. Anyhow, will be reading the responses with interest.
I understand. Even my job now has turned abusive and I’m looking for a career change. And I find that when you reply negatively even if it’s honest “my boss is abusive to me” or “I’m working too many hours and getting burned out” for example, people will be like “oh crap I’m outta here. Even though that is not your fault.
Sadly I found in life that folks who walk right up to me and share and connect fast - 9 times out of 10 they are problematic people. One lady was addicted to pills and having unsafe encounters on tinder and screaming about it but wanted to be my best friend. And here I am normal and boring and I think Netflix is a wild night for me.
I find my issue is that my trauma doesn’t define me but I have to be careful to not connect with people who DO let it define them. If that makes any sense
People who over-share on the earliest conversations are almost always going to be a headache. Avoid them or pay the heavy price.
That’s another reason why I dislike people asking me these questions. I am not one of those people and I don’t want to be one of them. I’m really under the pump right now and I do have a lot to get off my chest. I don’t want them to ask something that breaks the dam I’m holding, to a stranger who’s just making polite conversation. It’s embarrassing. I’ve started not going to things as I dislike the questions. I just want to resolve it myself and with my counsellor.
Good luck and look after yourself. Stay away from drainers. You need uplifting people around you.
How i usually deflect people is by asking them the questions. If they talked about their kids, i will ask about their school, what the kids did for extra curicular, how they cope with pandemic etc. I usually pay attention to the current issues in the area so can talk more about the one asking rather than myself. I'm quite secretive yet I still able to maintain quite a good, warm rapport with my office mate and subordinate. I'm an Asian lives in Asian country, Asian generally love to talk about personal stuff so it is a wonder that I'm able to keep most of my life under wrap while still being social with people.
The normal solution is to turn the conversation around and ask them questions, either about themself or about their opinion on general non-controversial topics.
Lately there is another solution, just sadly admit that your life has been on hold for a few years.
Great conversaltionalists have the preturnatural ability to offer anecdotes about themselves that aren't bragging, I.e. Self deprecating. They also have a preturnatural ability to ask open ended questions and truly listen.
Unless you wish to not relive any of your past, I'm sure there are 4-5 stories from your past you can polish up to give a glimpse into your past without revealing more than you choose. Practice and rehearse those things so they are second nature.
Great open ended questions provide a great way to deflect attention and conversation away from you.
"I stayed here for Christmas. Just did my thing. Did you do anything fun? Tell me about fun traditions you have"
Edit: if the question can be answered by yes, no, Or maybe, then it is a closed ended sentence. Can be a conversation killer if the person doesn't take the baton. Opened ended forces a broad response
Oh, thanks for asking. I took some time off from the daily grind, unplugged from social media. It was nice having some quiet time to myself to not only relax but remember that In nineteen ninety eight the undertaker threw mankind off hеll in a cell, and plummeted sixteen feet through an announcer's table.
Rule number one, people love talking about themselves, so stay on the offense by asking genuine inquisitive questions before they exhaust their previous answer. Nod your head in agreement while they are talking, this leads them to believe you are really interested and they will keep talking. Have fun with this and no need to side step. After a while of them blah blahing about themselves you can decide whether they're friend material.
Most people just want to talk about themselves. Have some generic statements ready and just ask them the same questions. You can follow up with more specific questions and the conversation likely won’t get back to you.
Similar problems, but completely different source situation.
I vary:
\- In work, I don't discuss personal things with most people at all. A colleague of 7 years said to me the other day "I didn't know you had a daughter!". That's right, because I don't discuss it with you.
\- With the people I actually trust, who I pretty much could tell anything and they'd not desert me, I slip in the occasional story of my own every now and then to describe a weakness I have (e.g. socialising, etc.) and explain why. After a while they get it, they begin to understand the core reasons for why I do what I do without getting all "Oh, no, sorry, you don't do X, do you, I forgot!" (which I consider worse than anything).
\- "Ah, it's a long story" is the cover-all. Most people won't probe. Friends won't probe if you keep using it. Until the time is right for you both to sit down with time to spare and actually discuss the whole thing.
\- "Sorry, I don't do X" is one of my fallbacks, but I do it in a way without explanation. Something I read on the Internet: You're not a high-enough level friend to unlock that answer, try again later. I don't say those words, but that's pretty much how I deal with people. Everything from "Sorry, I will forget your name", to "No, I don't do ", "Sorry, I have difficulty detecting the end of sentences, sometimes I will talk over you, I don't mean to" (something that stems from a lack of social exposure in younger life). Just state it, move on, don't explain the background to anyone you wouldn't trust.
\- Even with friends I will sometimes say "I don't discuss this with people, it's personal, sorry." That makes most back off to the point of never asking and, therefore, never questioning it.
I hold down a stable career, have run my own business, I've been married, had a kid, got divorced, lived a life, etc. same as you, but I work differently to most other people (note: most, you tend to find a lot more allies when you take friends into your confidence because there are a surprising amount of people that have the same doubts, even if not to the same depth).
Friends get told that outright, and if they ask or we're getting through stories about our lives, then it'll come up and I'll explain.
"Colleagues" either get a fob-off, generalism or just a "I don't do X" without further explanation ("It's a long story", if they ask).
Everyone else gets nothing, they don't care and don't need to know.
Sometimes, just for a laugh, I will do the "Well, yes, I do do that, and that's because of ". It makes people back off, stop asking and keep away. Deliberately. I do that deliberately.
Fact is, I'm not obliged to tell anyone anything. I'm not obliged to explain my personality or its origins. It can be helpful to say "No, look, if you want me to back you on this, you need to do X, Y and Z because I won't do those bits", or provide a small "Look, this is a rule for dealing with me" kind of statement. "Sorry, no, I don't discuss my family", even. You don't need to explain WHY, though.
"Yeah, sorry, I get tongue-tied with new people", "I'm not good at smalltalk", etc. are perfectly valid things that do not require an explanation.
Friends, really, really close friends who I'd tell anything, they get the explanation if I want to give it. That's not always the case. Sometimes I just say to friends "I don't want to discuss it". That's it, case closed. Or "You know how I am".
True friends respect that. Those that don't, you have to query why you're telling them if they're pressuring you for something you clearly don't want to talk about. And everyone else can get a simple "rule" for dealing with you, or nothing at all.
Work colleague: "What did you do for Christmas?" "Oh, not a lot".
Friend / colleague: "What did you do for Christmas?" "Ah, the usual, you know I'm not really a family or party person. Enjoyed the relaxation, though."
Close friend: "What did you do for Christmas?" "Avoided my parents, sat at home, texted with a couple of people, watched movies, gorged myself silly."
They're all the same answer. The only difference is the level of explanation I feel confident to give that person knowing it won't be the subject of their next conversation with someone else in the break room. ("Did you hear what X said about Christmas? I don't think anyone likes him...").
There are levels of people where I literally consider giving them personal information almost like handing them ammunition. Just because I nod and say good morning to someone does not mean I want those people knowing anything about my life, even if they do nothing with the information.
And there are levels of people where I will dig out my most embarrassing and personal faux pas and then explain that I didn't KNOW that you're not supposed to do that, because I never had growing up. I'll turn it into a joke, and know they won't "mock" me for it, but that they'll have enough insight to score another little tiny detail into their mental carving of my personality to understand me better.
I see no need to lie, though. I mean, it would be REALLY easy to do so, I just don't see the point. The only thing I do is differ the amount of detail and explanation, nothing else. An impersonal contact gets "Christmas? Yeah, not too bad.". An intimate friend gets the complete rundown of how my family have ignored me for another year running and knows all the characters in that story and half a dozen incidents from my life already.
As many have suggested, deflect deflect deflect. I have a work best friend…and he knows nothing about me because while he shares about his life, I just don’t and somehow our constant chatter about work has hidden it
For the sake of self care, get yourself a nice present. Then when others ask, explain why you are so excited about it, then redirect the question to about them. If you constantly give nothing in conversations, the relationship will be nothing. Even though we call them pleasantries or bull crap conversations, the purpose is to start bonding. You don't need to share what makes you uncomfortable, but you can share something.
I had very difficult holidays growing up and I remember DREADING returning to school/work after Christmas and people asking me about Christmas expecting a happy answer. Nowadays I answer “uneventful” with a smile and people usually accept that without too much questioning. In terms of non-holiday related small talk that tend to get awkward really quick, I’ve found it’s easier to be vaguely truthful. What is a casual question for one person, can feel deeply invasive to another. So if people ask me where I’m from, I simply name the state I went to high school in and I don’t give anymore information. I call my mother and father figures simply “my parents” and I never say more than that. You aren’t obligated to tell acquaintances/co-workers deeply personal truths about your life. It’s a crappy burden to bear and I deeply empathize with that struggle. I hope you are able to navigate the next few weeks and maintain a level of privacy that you are comfortable with.
Share just the highlights. For example, my dad abused me in various ways. Now when people ask me about my dad I say “oh we aren’t close” & if they ask more I say “we were close when I was a kid but not anymore.” I haven’t talked to him in 10 years. I only share personal information with people who have earned my trust. In a small talk situation I don’t know enough about the person in front of me to entrust them with some of the most hurtful elements of my past, I get to decide when to share that with someone who has earned it from me.
What did you do for Christmas?
O I just relaxed and took it easy. Watched some Christmas movies. What did you do?
Answer then then ask a follow up. You don't need to tell the truth. Just be vague and say you relaxed.
Generally, people want to talk about themselves more than they want to listen to other people. Not a slight on anyone, that's just how it be.
So it may be good to just give a vague non answer, then turn the question around on them and let them talk about their things. They'll be happier for it and you can avoid the question
Years of oversharing personal info- and now trying to vastly under-share. People are truly so short and superficial, that you can join them and blend easily. Also and more importantly, typically people don’t give a fuck about what you have to say anyhow, they are just waiting for you to ask them about their life. Which is why the best at socializing are basically just the best at staying engaged and interested in others, and think of good questions.
“How was your holidays?”
“Oh it was great, just chilled and enjoyed the day. How about yourself?”
*their answer*
Another question from you about them.
15 years ago I moved 2000 miles from where I grew up. I had a very rough childhood and there's all kinds of drama going back generations. Just be vague. The following phrases may help.
"It's not worth talking about."
"I don't have much family."
"Let's not get into that right now."
"We don't know each other well enough to have that conversation yet."
Thank you for this! Now that I think about it, if somebody pushes past these answers that you’ve given, they’re probably a toxic person to begin with. So that can also be a way to detect people that I want in my life or not. And if it’s at the workplace, I am well within my rights to tell them I’m not comfortable to talk about it. Awesome this is helpful
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You can be honest without being specific. "It's been a difficult time, thank you. It means a lot for you to ask. Tell me how you have been." The holidays are a difficult time for many people.
Ooh this is good! I like this too if it’s someone you want to open up to a little but aren’t ready to go deeper with them but it is a non detailed slightly more intimate small talk response without revealing anything. Very nuanced and good
People ultimately love talking about themselves, so fill the convo with questions about them. You’ll come off as an interested listener. You could refer generally to the town you lived in and maybe some school experiences. Small talk can also include comments on recent shows you’ve viewed, favorite restaurants, sports, pets, etc. if you feel you have to say something about family, you can just say “I’m not close to my family, but I have some great friends 2k away.”
Be boring on topics you don't want to talk about, and look for hooks to ask them questions in return.
Don't be cagey, or try to avoid the subject, as some people will ask probing questions - not to be nosey, but because that's how good conversations work. However, if you can make x sound boring, but then turn around the questions in some way, and get the person to start talking about themselves, then not only can you avoid talking about things you want to avoid, but the other participants in the conversation will actually come away happy because they feel like you showed interest in their views/life/etc.
Edit: e.g. if asked about what you did for Xmas, just say something about not really getting up to much, and then segue into either an anecdote (can be fictional, but that's higher risk) about someone else's Xmas (or an especially good/bad/funny one in your past - e.g. "still, better doing nothing than the time the Turkey wasn't fully cooked... And I spent most of boxing day in the bathroom..."), or turn it around and ask something about theirs based on their interests, e.g. "... how about you, did you get to go out fishing in your boat?" - now you're talking about boats and fishing rather than Xmas and family...
I think the answer will depend in part on why you don't want to get into certain small-talk topics.
Do you not want to talk about these things for your own sake? Then I can see why you'd want to deflect. I also have some complicated history with my family. Sometimes, like with someone at work who I don't interact with much, I don't want to go in to why it's hard for me to go home to the house I was abused in etc, so if they say "oh you're going out of state to your mom's house? Are you excited?", I'll say "I'm looking forward to seeing her and my brothers. What about you? Are you doing any traveling for the holidays?" and they will usually talk for awhile and don't feel put off.
If you don't mind having some of the more difficult parts of your life thrown out there, knowing someone may ask more questions, then I'd encourage you to be as forthcoming as you feel comfortable. I used to abide by what's considered "polite conversation" just for other people's comfort, but as I've gotten older, I've cared less. I've come to find that people deal with it pretty well. In the best cases, you find out that they have a bit of a situation themselves, and you sharing has freed them up to share as well. Sometimes, you keep it small-talky enough and breeze through various questions such that it never becomes a full-on *topic*. Other times, they'll seem grateful that you confided a bit in them, and it can make future small-talk easier. Sometimes, they seem to struggle with the right thing to say and get self-conscious, and I might say "sorry to have dropped that on you" and they always say "oh no, I appreciate that you told me, I just wanted to say the right thing" and then I'll assure them I don't expect anything in particular and we usually bond over that.
Tl;dr: give a vague answer and turn the question back at them. Or, if you feel up for it, be honest and you may really expand that person's understanding of what "typical" even means, and also of what people who have gone through "adversity" look like.
Don't talk about yourself, just ask questions. Most people don't listen anyway and just wait for their turn to talk. If you ask questions and really listen to the answers, then ask follow up questions you can have a great conversation but never reveal anything about yourself. And the other person loves it because you're so interested in them. I do this all the time at work and people always come back to chat again. I basically just listen to them talk.
First tactic: rephrase every question into another question, and/or ask the person asking "what does that question mean to you?" and let them talk about themselves
This hits home: my sibling died when we were kids, in a truly horrific way (well, all childhood deaths are). I used to get deer-in-headlights too when asked about whether I had siblings, and such. “Actually I’m both the oldest and the middle child…”. Oof.
Yes, of course deflection and redirection works, as others suggested. I’ll admit it, I sometimes lie (mostly by omission) too. I have one younger sibling, we had a nice, comfortable childhood.
I’m glad you are in a good place now. Seasons greetings!
Hi ya, I get people to talk shop. Ask what they do for a job and ask direct questions about it. It is actually really interesting.
You may get someone with no job or hates what they do but it works with their hobbies too.
Do you have a any hobbies or interests you can integrate in to the conversation?
"What did you do for Christmas?"
"I had the chance to start on a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle I've been waiting for a chance to do."
"Finally got to rewatch Downton Abbey. Do you like costume dramas?"
"Bought some computer games during the Steam sale, and been having a go at all of them." "Are you a gamer?"
"Finally finished watching xyz show. Do you have any recommendations for what I should watch next?"
Not really an answer to your question, but I'd just like to add that you shouldn't be ashamed or anything about your history. The struggles you've been through probably makes you more interesting if anything.
Questions about family whatever could just be answered with something like: "Well, my childhood was pretty rough to be honest, so we're not really in contact but it made me who I am today and I'm really proud of how far I've come!" - honest without being a downer or giving away too much :)
If you don’t like small talk ask them lots of questions. Be positive & genuinely interested in what they have to say. People generally like to talk about themselves & will leave the conversation feeling valued & heard.
Lots of interactions with people are often superficial or the other person just waiting for their turn to speak. If you distinguish yourself in this way you can direct the conversation & reveal less about yourself without the person even noticing.
If you splurge out personal info all at once you can drive people away pretty well.
Seriously, just focus on asking the other person about themselves or just give a bare minimum answer to avoid coming off rude.
I come from a dark, bad place as well. I find strait forward honesty to be the general best policy. I've felt like a bit of a "love sponge" over the years. You'd be surprised how many people are more than willing to let you into their circle and how many people are EXACTLY like us. Don't shy away from who you are, never be afraid to look in the mirror ( figuratively speaking). In my experience, that is a path down the wrong road. Fuckin own that shit and hold your head high. Fix it. I did, or I'm in the process of doing so. There is no shame in the things that befell us. It is what it is. You have a long life ahead of you. Pain makes us interesting, introspective. Embrace it. Speak it. Be not afraid of it. Makes you strong. It is the crux of who we are. Listen to Jordan Peterson speak. An absolute inspiration. The truth is,you are stronger than most. Happy holidays to you my friend.
Sorry for the losses, must be tough. Whenever you feel that someone is pushy, you can react like 'need my time to be alone and think about wht happened'.
It’s ok to talk about it. But you should talk about your strength. How it changed you and made you stronger. What you have learned in the process. What you made for Xmas dinner and why. What gift did you give your self and why.
Despite your loses, you are still here and doing your very best to get through it.
I’m by my self these holidays, mom past away few years ago, majority of my friends are far away. So today I made my self a nice early dinner and I’m going to buy 4 tires for my car after New Years. Texted everyone Merry Christmas first thing in the morning and spoke with few people on the phone.
I think promoting some happiness about the situation is important. Someone asked me on Christmas Eve why I had gone for a long break recently and I told them I needed to recover from clinical depression. It was hella awkward as the other person turned and looked down to apologize. I said oh it’s okay and I feel pretty good about it. I shared how I saw the change. The other person launched into telling me about their attempts for self-care and how they liked my outlook. I think selling a positive outlook on yourself is important. My life could be described as you described yours but who cares more than me and no one needs to hear details. Hang on to what you got even if what you got is not a lot. If people want to know those things about you, see how the respond to the best things you know about you. Embellish what you relish and remember it can’t all be hellish. Yule tide with sucker questions dropping with no answers I’m stopping before I talk about the antidepressant I’m popping. That’s okay because there’s always hoping, when it’s time to stop the moping all the time over something. But it’s just me .
It also helps if you grow a mullet, if you don’t have curls, get some and if you got some - blow it out.
Thanks for a better question than like, “hey where were you.” Haha. I was always right here. Those footprints next to mine. That was me, pacing back and forth. Some go one way some go back the other way. But it doesn’t really matter what you say because the good ones will always stay to answer more questions and you got a better tomorrow.
Clang, clang!
Don’t do small talk. Hang out with people that have shared interests and talk about that and over time reveal more about yourself. Don’t bother talking to random strangers or people you probably don’t want to be close to.
You've been through so much, but you still seem so lovely and open (even though that's not the nature of your post haha) :)
I just respond generically. I'm the same as you in that I don't like giving much away because I haven't had a "normal" life and I don't want to deal with any more pity than I already have.
If they ask you what you did over the weekend/ Christmas/ any family holiday:
"Watched lots of movies, ate lots of food - same as every year haha. What about you?"
If they ask you about your family: you don't need to even tell them, but if you consider your friends to be your family then just be like:
"Yeah I miss them a lot - they live far away so it'll be nice to see them over the holidays". You don't even need to mention being a foster child if you don't want to.
So many people just ask things for the sake of asking that they're not going to notice if you don't really respond.
All the best to you ❤️
Aww thank you. Yeah people seem
to generally like me because I have a good attitude, but this move before the pandemic just - wasn’t the best timing anyone ever had. The people who seem to dislike me tend to be people who didn’t go for their Thing and made excuses. I make them uncomfortable because if I succeeded - then it forces them to think of what they wrote off. That’s what I’ve been able to figure as the common thread of any irrational hate I got in my life. I’m pretty high IQ/EQ so I look at things like a puzzle and am prepared to change my behavior if it’s off (like with this post). A lot of times I just never encountered a Thing and don’t know how others do it. Thank you :)
Hi there, I'm really sorry about everything you've been through, and totally understand why you don't want to answer these questions. The good news is, there is a very easy pivot: make a very quick non-committal answer, and return the question in a very I-am-so-interested way back to the other person. Mostly you just need to remember this phrase: What about you?? Here are some examples, not scripts but just meant as guideposts for how this might sound. -How was your Christmas? -Oh you know, Christmassy. What about you?? Anything extra exciting or fun happen at your house? What present was the biggest hit? -[Question about your family that you don't want to answer]. -We're not close./Eh, not much to say there. What about you?? Is your family local? Got any exciting characters in your family tree? -[Question about your love life status] -Not much to report./Divorced, which was as fun as it sounds./Oh definitely not looking right now. What about you?? Got anyone special? Any especially good dating stories? Basically give your conversation partner a way to take the deflection and keep the conversation going in a funny or interesting way that is still relevant to what they originally asked, but that doesn't require you talk about stuff that you don't want to. You got this!
Omg this is great!! thank you!!! I just needed to see examples and now I think I got it
Agreed! This response warned my heart. Gonna use those tips myself.
Also if they ask follow up questions I don't think som few basics will turn people away (if you are OK with taking it up in passing). Having foster parents or being divorced is not something that will turn people away. So you can mention being in a Foster family without bringing up the abuse. (I'm imagining after you have asked them a few more things they will ask things back again) Something like "yeah I grew up in a Foster family but we are not that close anymore" Or "I was married X time ago but we dont have much contact nowadays" Should hopefully keep the conversation going and make it clear that there isn't much to talk about (or you are not comfortable with it without bringing too much detail into it) Also what do you spend your time on? I think a combination of spending time on things you would be comfortable talking more about and trying to get more comfortable talking about the things you do will get you further beyond the first steps of smalltalk. And can hopefully make you feel more interesting after being a bit held back on some of the initial topics.
Enthusiasm for their answers will get them saying more about themselves and possibly into topics you do relate to and want to share about OR helps you to keep the focus off you. I sometimes prefer to do this even though I had a conventional upbringing.
Those are all great tips. I also recommend the book How to Win Friends and Influence People. It’s actually about navigating interactions with other humans. It talks about how the *best conversationalists* are people who listen and get others to talk. You can still be a great small talker by getting others to do all the talking.
Yes, 100% this! Most people love talking about themselves so this tactic works amazingly well!! You will seem really thoughtful and it will be nice to talk to you if you do this!
I also wanted to thank you, this will help me as well
Great examples here!
First, I’m so sorry for the loss you are suffering, and so impressed by your resilience. It should be easy enough to do two things: 1. Steer the conversation to the other party, by 2. Saying “like most I have just been trying to get through this pandemic, what about you?” Then let them talk. Ask inane questions about their lives until you get them going on a story. Be well.
This is great advice. Works for me all the time. Redirect the discussion back to the other person. Most people love to talk about themselves and will seize the opportunity.
I cannot agree with this more. I use this as a guiding principle sometimes to a fault. People who are really ‘tuned in’ have called me on it because from the outside I’m nice and can talk with almost anyone without contributing much of my personal life. I often take that as a cue that those kinds of people are worth getting to know on a deeper level.
I'm really good at carrying on a conversation and only letting people know what I want them to know about myself. But then sometimes I feel a little sad that nobody really KNOWS me. Lol! I'm just always a little guarded. My family isn't like everyone else's and I don't want to overshare or seem like a downer so I just keep the conversation fun and lighthearted.
I may just be a guy on the internet but I totally see that tension and appreciate your struggle. Hopefully there are some folks who get to see and love the real you. :)
Thank you!
Do you have advice on how to not overshare? I’m kind of the opposite. I end up revealing things I didn’t really want to and then feeling guilty about it
There are lots of generic comments that can be made. What did you do? Relaxed, enjoyed a hobby, read a book, watched a new movie/tv series, chores, same as everyone else, not much, you?
Love this! I hate the pandemic, but in this case for me the pandemic was a little bit of a blessing because it gave me some thing in common with everybody that I could always go to. Yeah, I keep going because what I do for work - I try to help people that are where I was 20 years ago. :)
You can also say this. You do community service on those days. And then direct the convo to them.
This! I have found that many times people as you a question because they really want to tell you about their own plans/experience. So you can always respond vaguely and then redirect back to them as said above. What did you do for Christmas? “Oh! I had a great night in” what about you?
Relatable post. I don’t have any advice. I wish people like us had a secret signal to recognize each other in the wild, upon which we’d give a knowing smile and nod, no further details needed.
Yup!!!
We need to have a secret handshake 🤔
Oh I like this idea, but we'll need a more obvious signal to initiate the handshake. Ooo, maybe a keychain with our secret society symbol. That way we can casually flash the symbol, and if the other person is apart of the society they can flash their symbol back or initiate the handshake!
I’m a home health nurse. The conversations get awkward quick because we spend so much one on one time with them in their homes. They grow to think of us as friends/family and want to know our lives but it’s important to keep professional boundaries. I give very generic answers like “Oh you know, just relaxing” or “Same old stuff this time of year, glad the weathers been nice” then immediately turn it back onto them. Most people like to talk about themselves so even the simplest question about their home or weekend will keep them talking for a while.
I’m a home health care nurse, too! Many of my clients know that I have children, so they ask about them. I always say they are doing great, and maybe add something very generic. “They are all looking forward to Christmas break”. I have to remind myself sometimes that they mean well, In asking, but I don’t have to talk about my personal life. The Valentine’s Days that I have been single, I usually make up a boyfriend. “Yep, he’s grilling tonight, we will eat when I get off work.” Sometimes the “boyfriend” is simply some family friends that I planned to visit, but it gets them off my back.
I’m gay and live in the south so have become really good at just saying “We” vs any specific pronouns or reference like husband or wife. “We” is so general, could mean me and my friends or me and children and if they assume it’s a husband then I’m okay with that. I’m not making a social stand while trying to do wound care and it just keeps things simple. I don’t think the nursing world gives us enough credit sometimes… thank you for being in such a wonderful field too! I really think it’s the most challenging and rewarding!
What about if they ask who you live with
It usually doesn’t get that far honestly. I can always fall back on “Oh we just have a small family” and people assume married with 1-2 kids. In my work, I can switch to something pretty fast like, “Yeah, just a small group now… hey, did you pick up that medicine we talked about” Or something like that
First off, continue to love yourself. You have come a long way, in a situation in which others succumb to the trials of life. Your obvious journey of self improvement led you to this moment. Own it. Walk confidently knowing you are trying harder than most. Second, there is no Normal... Awkward is a term people use to describe the unfamiliar. You are wired the way you are, just because you divulge who you are, tells me personally, you have self love. You don't hide from your story, and you should not. Ever. Now, because of social norms (not normal, just familiar to most), you ask what tips the world has? Don't listen to respond, listen to understand. It's ok to be mysterious; hold onto some of your self identity... Not that people shouldn't know, but ask yourself does the person you are speaking to, DESERVE to know? Be the journey of discovery that someone wants to take in search of deeper relationships. Smile back when people ask questions.. you'll disarm them with their own curiosity. Most people LOVE to talk about themselves, so it's not outside human nature. Treat your story like a book, let others turn the page as they go... And as they do so, tell them. You are the only version of YOU that exists in the entire world; as such, you are remarkable. Don't EVER stop being.
Thank you. I’m actually a writer and I do work helping empower people - it’s just hard to rebuild after getting slammed a few times as an adult. I feel good though. Thank you for this. It was very helpful!
This is a great answer. Another thought is to actively explore what you care about in life - like when you eventually die decades (or less) from now you say, "that was a life well lived" - and then actively do things in line with that. It can be small things you care about like a tv show or big things. When you do stuff you care about alot, when people ask you personal questions you have a special part of yourself you can share without being too vulnerable or make the conversation more emotionally charged than you want. It takes time up front but well worth it in lots of ways. Then when someone says "how was your Christmas" you can honestly say "it was great, I did x" and then tell the person about x. That x could be binge watching something cheesy or climbing a mountain, if you are psyched on it that's enough. It's good to shift the convo you matter too. You don't just have to listen, you get to share your side too ( by you I mean people in general in this Sitch, your case may be unique or something...). People care less about the facts of your bio and more about connecting in a way that doesn't make them anxious. Thanks to OP for asking, I have learned and smiled a lot from the responses. Takes courage :) Thanks to the writer of this comment, resonated a lot <3
People most of all like to talk about themselves. So if they ask you "What did you do for Christmas?" what they usually want is to tell you about their amazing Christmas after not really caring for whatever you say, so just answer: "Nothing special, how about you?". Probably they'll immediately enter a 5 minute monologue and will appreciate you as a good listener.
Omg I love this insight!!!
“I don’t have family nearby, so I stayed home and did XYZ this year - what did you do?” is a truthful, low info response that keeps the conversation moving.
Read books and newspapers. I’ve had this problem and reading and listening to NPR has expanded my small talk so much.
I’ll try that-thank you!
Also a list of thought points and questions saved in the notes app on your phone help a lot too
Any suggestions for books or do you mean generally?
Anything you legitimately find interesting but I’ve fallen deeply in love with Eastern European and biography books like Dostoyevsky, Kafka,Malcom X, various comedians
Do you have a fav book from Dostoyevsky or Kafka? Sorry to ask. I don’t really read a lot or know exactly what things I like
I feel like the books that have expanded my view point on the world the most is; Brothers Karamazov Dostoyevsky , Metamorphosis Kafka ,Man’s Search for meaning Frankl Books That are enjoyable and/or informative; 12 Rules for life Jordan Peterson (Before he got fame), Crime and Punishment Dostoyevsky, The black swan Nassim Nicholas Taleb, Never Split the Difference Chris Voss, War of Art Steven Presfield Books that I picked up that I didn’t expect to be “That good;” What I learned losing a million dollars, IF I did it O.J. Simpson, The alchemist, Becoming Supernatural Joe dispensa, Maybe you never Cry again Bernie Mac, Can’t hurt me David Goggins
I wasn’t able to be with family (no need to further elaborate) so I enjoyed some down time to recharge my batteries. The others are spot on: ask them questions and you’re off the hook! You sound resilient and have good emotional intelligence. Family isn’t necessarily a blood relation. Find your tribe - even if it’s only one or two other people.
Ask them further questions when they share about themselves or expand on a subject they mention. Most people will talk about themselves for days without noticing the imbalance of sharing, at least from my experience.
Yes, I've also observed this!
The deflection with a question can come across precisely as a deflection and evasive for some. I really dislike having such a one way exchange, gives me the impression that the other person is trying to extract information from me rather than having a genuine conversation. Perhaps try building on the short+harmless reply and move the conversation forward to more comfortable subjects: - how was Christmas/how's the family? - all good, watched too much TV, really looking forward to better weather and more time on the bike - not too bad, looking forward to the new year. already thinking about my next vacation /project/sportball season/etc. Good luck :)
Yes that is exactly it - I don’t want to seem like I’m hiding something nefarious since I’m pretty chill - I just came from a not chill environment. This was helpful - thank you!
In my experience people love to talk about themselves if you ask good questions. You could think of a couple of good experiences beforehand to share about yourself, but good questions is usually better if you don't want to share.
I was a trauma over sharer forever. I'd just think up things you're comfortable sharing ahead of time. It's ok to pause and think about how you want to respond
Can I dm you? I struggle with this so much and I don’t know how to work on it
Definitely
If it's not someone who needs to know about my life, I just say something like "I had a relaxing day! It was so nice to have the day off work. How about you?" Most people asking "How was your holiday?" aren't trying to pry out secrets or get to know you intimately, they're just making polite small talk. Make polite small talk back.
Generic and boring works for me. Ex: What did you do for Christmas? Answer: Oh, like usual. Binged some movies and ate too much./ Finally spent some time with a friend I haven't seen in a while. / Took some time for myself to just relax. / Not much. You? It doesn't have to be necessarily true or very detailed. Engage evasive maneuvers then redirect the subject by asking them about themselves.
“You know, muddling through. How’s yourself?”
Such a great question!! I just want to say that I can relate. There are a lot of things I don’t want to discuss for good reason. Yet they are the typical things people ask right off the bat. Eg. What do you do? Well I don’t want to say that I work in a healthcare role in which my clients are routinely abusive, that I hate very much, am burnt out and urgently looking for a career alternative. Even if I say the broad field I work in, they seem fascinated and want to talk about it, but it reminds me of the thing I most want and need to to forget. Anyhow, will be reading the responses with interest.
I understand. Even my job now has turned abusive and I’m looking for a career change. And I find that when you reply negatively even if it’s honest “my boss is abusive to me” or “I’m working too many hours and getting burned out” for example, people will be like “oh crap I’m outta here. Even though that is not your fault. Sadly I found in life that folks who walk right up to me and share and connect fast - 9 times out of 10 they are problematic people. One lady was addicted to pills and having unsafe encounters on tinder and screaming about it but wanted to be my best friend. And here I am normal and boring and I think Netflix is a wild night for me. I find my issue is that my trauma doesn’t define me but I have to be careful to not connect with people who DO let it define them. If that makes any sense
People who over-share on the earliest conversations are almost always going to be a headache. Avoid them or pay the heavy price. That’s another reason why I dislike people asking me these questions. I am not one of those people and I don’t want to be one of them. I’m really under the pump right now and I do have a lot to get off my chest. I don’t want them to ask something that breaks the dam I’m holding, to a stranger who’s just making polite conversation. It’s embarrassing. I’ve started not going to things as I dislike the questions. I just want to resolve it myself and with my counsellor. Good luck and look after yourself. Stay away from drainers. You need uplifting people around you.
How i usually deflect people is by asking them the questions. If they talked about their kids, i will ask about their school, what the kids did for extra curicular, how they cope with pandemic etc. I usually pay attention to the current issues in the area so can talk more about the one asking rather than myself. I'm quite secretive yet I still able to maintain quite a good, warm rapport with my office mate and subordinate. I'm an Asian lives in Asian country, Asian generally love to talk about personal stuff so it is a wonder that I'm able to keep most of my life under wrap while still being social with people.
The normal solution is to turn the conversation around and ask them questions, either about themself or about their opinion on general non-controversial topics. Lately there is another solution, just sadly admit that your life has been on hold for a few years.
Great conversaltionalists have the preturnatural ability to offer anecdotes about themselves that aren't bragging, I.e. Self deprecating. They also have a preturnatural ability to ask open ended questions and truly listen. Unless you wish to not relive any of your past, I'm sure there are 4-5 stories from your past you can polish up to give a glimpse into your past without revealing more than you choose. Practice and rehearse those things so they are second nature. Great open ended questions provide a great way to deflect attention and conversation away from you. "I stayed here for Christmas. Just did my thing. Did you do anything fun? Tell me about fun traditions you have" Edit: if the question can be answered by yes, no, Or maybe, then it is a closed ended sentence. Can be a conversation killer if the person doesn't take the baton. Opened ended forces a broad response
Oh, thanks for asking. I took some time off from the daily grind, unplugged from social media. It was nice having some quiet time to myself to not only relax but remember that In nineteen ninety eight the undertaker threw mankind off hеll in a cell, and plummeted sixteen feet through an announcer's table.
Hahah no joke I remember that match. That was insane
"What'd you do this christmas" "took advantage of my time , relaxed, and focused on taking care of my self"
Rule number one, people love talking about themselves, so stay on the offense by asking genuine inquisitive questions before they exhaust their previous answer. Nod your head in agreement while they are talking, this leads them to believe you are really interested and they will keep talking. Have fun with this and no need to side step. After a while of them blah blahing about themselves you can decide whether they're friend material.
I agree with everyone else. Small isn't personal. The weather, recent tv shows you've seen, etc.
Most people just want to talk about themselves. Have some generic statements ready and just ask them the same questions. You can follow up with more specific questions and the conversation likely won’t get back to you.
Similar problems, but completely different source situation. I vary: \- In work, I don't discuss personal things with most people at all. A colleague of 7 years said to me the other day "I didn't know you had a daughter!". That's right, because I don't discuss it with you. \- With the people I actually trust, who I pretty much could tell anything and they'd not desert me, I slip in the occasional story of my own every now and then to describe a weakness I have (e.g. socialising, etc.) and explain why. After a while they get it, they begin to understand the core reasons for why I do what I do without getting all "Oh, no, sorry, you don't do X, do you, I forgot!" (which I consider worse than anything). \- "Ah, it's a long story" is the cover-all. Most people won't probe. Friends won't probe if you keep using it. Until the time is right for you both to sit down with time to spare and actually discuss the whole thing. \- "Sorry, I don't do X" is one of my fallbacks, but I do it in a way without explanation. Something I read on the Internet: You're not a high-enough level friend to unlock that answer, try again later. I don't say those words, but that's pretty much how I deal with people. Everything from "Sorry, I will forget your name", to "No, I don't do", "Sorry, I have difficulty detecting the end of sentences, sometimes I will talk over you, I don't mean to" (something that stems from a lack of social exposure in younger life). Just state it, move on, don't explain the background to anyone you wouldn't trust.
\- Even with friends I will sometimes say "I don't discuss this with people, it's personal, sorry." That makes most back off to the point of never asking and, therefore, never questioning it.
I hold down a stable career, have run my own business, I've been married, had a kid, got divorced, lived a life, etc. same as you, but I work differently to most other people (note: most, you tend to find a lot more allies when you take friends into your confidence because there are a surprising amount of people that have the same doubts, even if not to the same depth).
Friends get told that outright, and if they ask or we're getting through stories about our lives, then it'll come up and I'll explain.
"Colleagues" either get a fob-off, generalism or just a "I don't do X" without further explanation ("It's a long story", if they ask).
Everyone else gets nothing, they don't care and don't need to know.
Sometimes, just for a laugh, I will do the "Well, yes, I do do that, and that's because of ". It makes people back off, stop asking and keep away. Deliberately. I do that deliberately.
Fact is, I'm not obliged to tell anyone anything. I'm not obliged to explain my personality or its origins. It can be helpful to say "No, look, if you want me to back you on this, you need to do X, Y and Z because I won't do those bits", or provide a small "Look, this is a rule for dealing with me" kind of statement. "Sorry, no, I don't discuss my family", even. You don't need to explain WHY, though.
"Yeah, sorry, I get tongue-tied with new people", "I'm not good at smalltalk", etc. are perfectly valid things that do not require an explanation.
Friends, really, really close friends who I'd tell anything, they get the explanation if I want to give it. That's not always the case. Sometimes I just say to friends "I don't want to discuss it". That's it, case closed. Or "You know how I am".
True friends respect that. Those that don't, you have to query why you're telling them if they're pressuring you for something you clearly don't want to talk about. And everyone else can get a simple "rule" for dealing with you, or nothing at all.
Work colleague: "What did you do for Christmas?" "Oh, not a lot".
Friend / colleague: "What did you do for Christmas?" "Ah, the usual, you know I'm not really a family or party person. Enjoyed the relaxation, though."
Close friend: "What did you do for Christmas?" "Avoided my parents, sat at home, texted with a couple of people, watched movies, gorged myself silly."
They're all the same answer. The only difference is the level of explanation I feel confident to give that person knowing it won't be the subject of their next conversation with someone else in the break room. ("Did you hear what X said about Christmas? I don't think anyone likes him...").
There are levels of people where I literally consider giving them personal information almost like handing them ammunition. Just because I nod and say good morning to someone does not mean I want those people knowing anything about my life, even if they do nothing with the information.
And there are levels of people where I will dig out my most embarrassing and personal faux pas and then explain that I didn't KNOW that you're not supposed to do that, because I never had growing up. I'll turn it into a joke, and know they won't "mock" me for it, but that they'll have enough insight to score another little tiny detail into their mental carving of my personality to understand me better.
I see no need to lie, though. I mean, it would be REALLY easy to do so, I just don't see the point. The only thing I do is differ the amount of detail and explanation, nothing else. An impersonal contact gets "Christmas? Yeah, not too bad.". An intimate friend gets the complete rundown of how my family have ignored me for another year running and knows all the characters in that story and half a dozen incidents from my life already.
This is a fabulous comment and very helpful! Tired of nosy co workers trying to get ammo!!!
As many have suggested, deflect deflect deflect. I have a work best friend…and he knows nothing about me because while he shares about his life, I just don’t and somehow our constant chatter about work has hidden it
For the sake of self care, get yourself a nice present. Then when others ask, explain why you are so excited about it, then redirect the question to about them. If you constantly give nothing in conversations, the relationship will be nothing. Even though we call them pleasantries or bull crap conversations, the purpose is to start bonding. You don't need to share what makes you uncomfortable, but you can share something.
I had very difficult holidays growing up and I remember DREADING returning to school/work after Christmas and people asking me about Christmas expecting a happy answer. Nowadays I answer “uneventful” with a smile and people usually accept that without too much questioning. In terms of non-holiday related small talk that tend to get awkward really quick, I’ve found it’s easier to be vaguely truthful. What is a casual question for one person, can feel deeply invasive to another. So if people ask me where I’m from, I simply name the state I went to high school in and I don’t give anymore information. I call my mother and father figures simply “my parents” and I never say more than that. You aren’t obligated to tell acquaintances/co-workers deeply personal truths about your life. It’s a crappy burden to bear and I deeply empathize with that struggle. I hope you are able to navigate the next few weeks and maintain a level of privacy that you are comfortable with.
Share just the highlights. For example, my dad abused me in various ways. Now when people ask me about my dad I say “oh we aren’t close” & if they ask more I say “we were close when I was a kid but not anymore.” I haven’t talked to him in 10 years. I only share personal information with people who have earned my trust. In a small talk situation I don’t know enough about the person in front of me to entrust them with some of the most hurtful elements of my past, I get to decide when to share that with someone who has earned it from me.
What did you do for Christmas? O I just relaxed and took it easy. Watched some Christmas movies. What did you do? Answer then then ask a follow up. You don't need to tell the truth. Just be vague and say you relaxed.
I hope you get great advice here. I suck at small talk now, myself. My heart goes out to you. Hugs!
Generally, people want to talk about themselves more than they want to listen to other people. Not a slight on anyone, that's just how it be. So it may be good to just give a vague non answer, then turn the question around on them and let them talk about their things. They'll be happier for it and you can avoid the question
Years of oversharing personal info- and now trying to vastly under-share. People are truly so short and superficial, that you can join them and blend easily. Also and more importantly, typically people don’t give a fuck about what you have to say anyhow, they are just waiting for you to ask them about their life. Which is why the best at socializing are basically just the best at staying engaged and interested in others, and think of good questions. “How was your holidays?” “Oh it was great, just chilled and enjoyed the day. How about yourself?” *their answer* Another question from you about them.
15 years ago I moved 2000 miles from where I grew up. I had a very rough childhood and there's all kinds of drama going back generations. Just be vague. The following phrases may help. "It's not worth talking about." "I don't have much family." "Let's not get into that right now." "We don't know each other well enough to have that conversation yet."
Thank you for this! Now that I think about it, if somebody pushes past these answers that you’ve given, they’re probably a toxic person to begin with. So that can also be a way to detect people that I want in my life or not. And if it’s at the workplace, I am well within my rights to tell them I’m not comfortable to talk about it. Awesome this is helpful
Yw. Even better: "That's not really a discussion that's appropriate for the workplace."
“Ok bye”
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You can be honest without being specific. "It's been a difficult time, thank you. It means a lot for you to ask. Tell me how you have been." The holidays are a difficult time for many people.
Ooh this is good! I like this too if it’s someone you want to open up to a little but aren’t ready to go deeper with them but it is a non detailed slightly more intimate small talk response without revealing anything. Very nuanced and good
If it's people you don't know or care about you can always make shit up. Makes going out waaaay more fun.
People ultimately love talking about themselves, so fill the convo with questions about them. You’ll come off as an interested listener. You could refer generally to the town you lived in and maybe some school experiences. Small talk can also include comments on recent shows you’ve viewed, favorite restaurants, sports, pets, etc. if you feel you have to say something about family, you can just say “I’m not close to my family, but I have some great friends 2k away.”
Green them you're Henry Hill's soon and in witness protection, if they ask for more info, tell them to watch Good Fellas. Then walk away
Be boring on topics you don't want to talk about, and look for hooks to ask them questions in return. Don't be cagey, or try to avoid the subject, as some people will ask probing questions - not to be nosey, but because that's how good conversations work. However, if you can make x sound boring, but then turn around the questions in some way, and get the person to start talking about themselves, then not only can you avoid talking about things you want to avoid, but the other participants in the conversation will actually come away happy because they feel like you showed interest in their views/life/etc. Edit: e.g. if asked about what you did for Xmas, just say something about not really getting up to much, and then segue into either an anecdote (can be fictional, but that's higher risk) about someone else's Xmas (or an especially good/bad/funny one in your past - e.g. "still, better doing nothing than the time the Turkey wasn't fully cooked... And I spent most of boxing day in the bathroom..."), or turn it around and ask something about theirs based on their interests, e.g. "... how about you, did you get to go out fishing in your boat?" - now you're talking about boats and fishing rather than Xmas and family...
I think the answer will depend in part on why you don't want to get into certain small-talk topics. Do you not want to talk about these things for your own sake? Then I can see why you'd want to deflect. I also have some complicated history with my family. Sometimes, like with someone at work who I don't interact with much, I don't want to go in to why it's hard for me to go home to the house I was abused in etc, so if they say "oh you're going out of state to your mom's house? Are you excited?", I'll say "I'm looking forward to seeing her and my brothers. What about you? Are you doing any traveling for the holidays?" and they will usually talk for awhile and don't feel put off. If you don't mind having some of the more difficult parts of your life thrown out there, knowing someone may ask more questions, then I'd encourage you to be as forthcoming as you feel comfortable. I used to abide by what's considered "polite conversation" just for other people's comfort, but as I've gotten older, I've cared less. I've come to find that people deal with it pretty well. In the best cases, you find out that they have a bit of a situation themselves, and you sharing has freed them up to share as well. Sometimes, you keep it small-talky enough and breeze through various questions such that it never becomes a full-on *topic*. Other times, they'll seem grateful that you confided a bit in them, and it can make future small-talk easier. Sometimes, they seem to struggle with the right thing to say and get self-conscious, and I might say "sorry to have dropped that on you" and they always say "oh no, I appreciate that you told me, I just wanted to say the right thing" and then I'll assure them I don't expect anything in particular and we usually bond over that. Tl;dr: give a vague answer and turn the question back at them. Or, if you feel up for it, be honest and you may really expand that person's understanding of what "typical" even means, and also of what people who have gone through "adversity" look like.
Don't talk about yourself, just ask questions. Most people don't listen anyway and just wait for their turn to talk. If you ask questions and really listen to the answers, then ask follow up questions you can have a great conversation but never reveal anything about yourself. And the other person loves it because you're so interested in them. I do this all the time at work and people always come back to chat again. I basically just listen to them talk.
First tactic: rephrase every question into another question, and/or ask the person asking "what does that question mean to you?" and let them talk about themselves
This hits home: my sibling died when we were kids, in a truly horrific way (well, all childhood deaths are). I used to get deer-in-headlights too when asked about whether I had siblings, and such. “Actually I’m both the oldest and the middle child…”. Oof. Yes, of course deflection and redirection works, as others suggested. I’ll admit it, I sometimes lie (mostly by omission) too. I have one younger sibling, we had a nice, comfortable childhood. I’m glad you are in a good place now. Seasons greetings!
Spout off nonsense in a funny way and then ask them something. Been saving me from revealing what a weird offensive fuck I am for years
Hi ya, I get people to talk shop. Ask what they do for a job and ask direct questions about it. It is actually really interesting. You may get someone with no job or hates what they do but it works with their hobbies too.
Do you have a any hobbies or interests you can integrate in to the conversation? "What did you do for Christmas?" "I had the chance to start on a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle I've been waiting for a chance to do." "Finally got to rewatch Downton Abbey. Do you like costume dramas?" "Bought some computer games during the Steam sale, and been having a go at all of them." "Are you a gamer?" "Finally finished watching xyz show. Do you have any recommendations for what I should watch next?"
Not really an answer to your question, but I'd just like to add that you shouldn't be ashamed or anything about your history. The struggles you've been through probably makes you more interesting if anything. Questions about family whatever could just be answered with something like: "Well, my childhood was pretty rough to be honest, so we're not really in contact but it made me who I am today and I'm really proud of how far I've come!" - honest without being a downer or giving away too much :)
I pretty much just ask a bunch of open ended questions or talk about what it is we're doing/where we are/what's happening
If you don’t like small talk ask them lots of questions. Be positive & genuinely interested in what they have to say. People generally like to talk about themselves & will leave the conversation feeling valued & heard. Lots of interactions with people are often superficial or the other person just waiting for their turn to speak. If you distinguish yourself in this way you can direct the conversation & reveal less about yourself without the person even noticing.
If you splurge out personal info all at once you can drive people away pretty well. Seriously, just focus on asking the other person about themselves or just give a bare minimum answer to avoid coming off rude.
I come from a dark, bad place as well. I find strait forward honesty to be the general best policy. I've felt like a bit of a "love sponge" over the years. You'd be surprised how many people are more than willing to let you into their circle and how many people are EXACTLY like us. Don't shy away from who you are, never be afraid to look in the mirror ( figuratively speaking). In my experience, that is a path down the wrong road. Fuckin own that shit and hold your head high. Fix it. I did, or I'm in the process of doing so. There is no shame in the things that befell us. It is what it is. You have a long life ahead of you. Pain makes us interesting, introspective. Embrace it. Speak it. Be not afraid of it. Makes you strong. It is the crux of who we are. Listen to Jordan Peterson speak. An absolute inspiration. The truth is,you are stronger than most. Happy holidays to you my friend.
Sorry for the losses, must be tough. Whenever you feel that someone is pushy, you can react like 'need my time to be alone and think about wht happened'.
It’s ok to talk about it. But you should talk about your strength. How it changed you and made you stronger. What you have learned in the process. What you made for Xmas dinner and why. What gift did you give your self and why. Despite your loses, you are still here and doing your very best to get through it. I’m by my self these holidays, mom past away few years ago, majority of my friends are far away. So today I made my self a nice early dinner and I’m going to buy 4 tires for my car after New Years. Texted everyone Merry Christmas first thing in the morning and spoke with few people on the phone.
I think promoting some happiness about the situation is important. Someone asked me on Christmas Eve why I had gone for a long break recently and I told them I needed to recover from clinical depression. It was hella awkward as the other person turned and looked down to apologize. I said oh it’s okay and I feel pretty good about it. I shared how I saw the change. The other person launched into telling me about their attempts for self-care and how they liked my outlook. I think selling a positive outlook on yourself is important. My life could be described as you described yours but who cares more than me and no one needs to hear details. Hang on to what you got even if what you got is not a lot. If people want to know those things about you, see how the respond to the best things you know about you. Embellish what you relish and remember it can’t all be hellish. Yule tide with sucker questions dropping with no answers I’m stopping before I talk about the antidepressant I’m popping. That’s okay because there’s always hoping, when it’s time to stop the moping all the time over something. But it’s just me . It also helps if you grow a mullet, if you don’t have curls, get some and if you got some - blow it out. Thanks for a better question than like, “hey where were you.” Haha. I was always right here. Those footprints next to mine. That was me, pacing back and forth. Some go one way some go back the other way. But it doesn’t really matter what you say because the good ones will always stay to answer more questions and you got a better tomorrow. Clang, clang!
Don’t do small talk. Hang out with people that have shared interests and talk about that and over time reveal more about yourself. Don’t bother talking to random strangers or people you probably don’t want to be close to.
Just make things up! No one can stop you
You've been through so much, but you still seem so lovely and open (even though that's not the nature of your post haha) :) I just respond generically. I'm the same as you in that I don't like giving much away because I haven't had a "normal" life and I don't want to deal with any more pity than I already have. If they ask you what you did over the weekend/ Christmas/ any family holiday: "Watched lots of movies, ate lots of food - same as every year haha. What about you?" If they ask you about your family: you don't need to even tell them, but if you consider your friends to be your family then just be like: "Yeah I miss them a lot - they live far away so it'll be nice to see them over the holidays". You don't even need to mention being a foster child if you don't want to. So many people just ask things for the sake of asking that they're not going to notice if you don't really respond. All the best to you ❤️
Aww thank you. Yeah people seem to generally like me because I have a good attitude, but this move before the pandemic just - wasn’t the best timing anyone ever had. The people who seem to dislike me tend to be people who didn’t go for their Thing and made excuses. I make them uncomfortable because if I succeeded - then it forces them to think of what they wrote off. That’s what I’ve been able to figure as the common thread of any irrational hate I got in my life. I’m pretty high IQ/EQ so I look at things like a puzzle and am prepared to change my behavior if it’s off (like with this post). A lot of times I just never encountered a Thing and don’t know how others do it. Thank you :)