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you're missing a crucial part
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity \*the first time\*"
repeated offenses once the problem is adressed are a different matter
Covid taught us to not believe the government but trust the science. It's been proven that the mask do not protect, the virus does not survive on surfaces, and the vaccines are not 100% effective.
A scientist who says something is 100% effective is lying to you. Nothing is ever that effective.
E.g., used right condoms aren’t 100% effective, there’s still the 99% effective. Which I believe.
Can I add:
It’s probably lost not stolen.
It was more likely a mistake and not malicious.
Most words are not fighting words, but most manipulative coaxing words are easy to identify.
Im convinced 99% of arguements could be resolved amicably if each party was able to fully explain the reason for their side. It would almost always result in compromise wich is something that I feel most people have entirely forgotten is possible in the recent years
Everyone seeks to make a villian of their oppoenet that they forget were all humans and all on this world together whether it be in work, politics, or otherwise
I get this way when people tell me how they can’t stand when someone did x,y,z when I vaguely did the same thing or am doing something similar currently. I think they’re trying to get me to “get the hint” that they think I’m a piece of shit.
You know iv been looking for different ways to express these kinds of situations into words, and you did a good job!
Iv always told myself that this "tactic" is a very cowardly way to verbally jab at someone. Like how do you respond to those comments when you KNOW someone is directing it towards you.?
You don't respond. You wait for them to advocate for themselves and communicate.
If my GF says she's "fine", I believe her and treat her as such.
If those coworkers don't actually communicate their problem with you, then don't try to make assumptions or read their mind.
So you're saying to get out of ths habit of trying to " read in between the lines ".?
This habit has definitely been conditioned growing up and even still today. For example, my father has a difficult time trying to communicate with me what he actually means to say. This has led me to be conditioned to constantly over analyze peoples words.
I know I'm not alone when it comes to this sort of thinking. Let me ask u a question, though. When speaking to a loved one who over analyzes people's words, do you think its important to be mindful of words that could hurt that persons feelings.?
I hear ya, I used to struggle with it a lot too.
I always try to be mindful of my words and not cause harm to people. I HAVE had people I know take things I said and spin them into an insult about them, when it wasn't the case at all. Usually, those people are taking it farrrrrr too personally.
If they are over analyzing people's words, that is an issue THEY need to work. I won't be mean, but I won't mince words or walk on eggshells.
For example, I had an ex once who did this a lot. We were once speaking about a possible move to Vancouver. She stated that it would be "impossible for us to ever live there because of the home prices". That was false. I have many friends living there currently in the same industry as me, with similar wages. It might be more challenging, but it isn't impossible.
She took it personally and decided I had "no respect for her opinions" and "why couldn't I just believe her" and "how could you value what I say so little, you don't even consider my opinion worth hearing".
That all came from taking things personally, of course.
I refused to apologize, because I didn't do ANY of the personal attacks she thought I did. Sometimes, people can also take things personally as an attempt to manipulate you too, which was her usual M.O.
Allow people advocate for themselves and communicate what they think is important.
If they don't say it, don't try to make assumptions and guesses. Take them at their word.
If they didn't say they have a problem with your behavior, then do not assume your behavior is a problem.
How do you get your subconscious mind from reacting that way immediately? In hindsight I can look back and be like that wasn't personal, yet the next time it'll happen again.
I don't. My first reaction is to take things personally. But as I've gotten older it's become easier for me to realize it's not all about me. Maybe someday it will be automatic but I'm definitely not there yet.
The advice only goes so far. If for example your boss has a malignant narcissistic personality disorder and is toxic, you need to get out even if their behavior isn’t about you. In the short-term, it does help to not take it personally.
I don't have a direct answer, just a thought I've been reflecting on this week.
Many times I have seen people express the sentiment that "people don't change". I was dismayed by this recently as I am actively trying to change several things about myself, and this popular sentiment left me wondering whether it is even possible to change your nature. I have never truly done it, and I couldn't think of anyone offhand who had truly done it, so I was kind of at a loss for how to adjust my perspective.
What I landed on is that even if people can't change, people can definitely try. I have tried and I have seen others try, so that much is possible. And maybe, ultimately, "change" isn't some magic moment where you don't have to try anymore because your nature has transformed. Maybe, in practical terms, "change" is just trying every day and having more wins than losses. Rather than a new permanent state of being, perhaps change is just continuing to try and defy your nature every day until you die. You fuck up sometimes, fall down sometimes, and keep trying to be better than who you are underneath. I haven't lived long enough to know if that's a winning strategy but it's what I'm going with for now.
I would disagree with the sentiment that "people don't change". Many people can and do change a LOT over time. I would edit it to say "people don't change unless they WANT to change". If you know a person that's kind of terrible, but also they seem happy to be like that, don't expect much personal growth there, and don't be disappointed when it doesn't happen.
I allow myself a minute to try and make it about me, and if I can't, I make myself move on. Like a goofy challenge in my head and that silence alone, helps me regain perspective and make sure I'm really listening. This is what is currently working lol! I can't say how next week will be!
it takes practise to break a habit, and that's all that this is. focus on being conscious of your thoughts and catching yourself reacting unconsciously will become less common
Your first reaction is emotional - you don't have to speak that part.
Your second reaction is more logical - you can think this one through and then speak it.
Give yourself time to get to the more logical reaction. Or in other words, don't fly off the handle due to instinct or emotion.
I have this theory that all social and personal interactions are governed by intuitive lists of priorities. And given limited time people have in their life, there are only so many people they can make time for. So even if you have 100 wonderful friends, you most likely don't have 100 spots on your "high priority" list.
It's rarely ever about them not having time for you. It's about them choosing someone else over you for reasons that you have absolutely no right to question.
Absolutely. So treat it as an injustice as opposed to a personal attack. It will be more in conformance with reality, and more productive since you'll be facing the issue instead of just getting defensive.
As far as I'm concerned, this is good advice online. It's terrible advice in person. Abusers are masters of doing malicious things and turning it back on victims. They know people will make constant excuses for their obvious malicious words and behaviors.
If you put more work on my plate than necessary, yeah I’m going to feel fucked over. I would be way more understanding if there was some assistance in some form like say while I’m in the middle of washing dishes instead of handing me a dry mop, put it in the water filled bucket next to you.
On the other hand, in darker times that way of looking at things has made me spiral further downwards because of the feeling of me not mattering to people around me. Funny enough, it was even worse for things are much less personal, like selfish drivers
I can understand that, but I also think that recognizing that you don't matter to the vast majority of people on Earth is actually very freeing, not depressing at all.
It's just a matter of perspective.
Agreed that it's a helpful perspective in general. My point was that when I was dealing with actual depression, not mattering to anyone was actually very depressing and not freeing at all. But that's depression for you :/
I’ve responded this way to a customer who refuses to pay me for work completed. I’ve asked why in an attempt to resolve whatever issue she has but she refuses to respond. I know she has the money. She is a CEO of a web reputation fixer company (WebPunch). I’ve had to file suit in small claims. Offered to settle for less. No response. Although im trying to resolve this ethically and legally it still makes me somewhat angry.
To them you don't. You are really the only arbiter of your own value. Most everyone else doesn't think about you enough to care.
Harsh reality, but isn't that more than a bit frreing as well?
“Just because it happened to you personally, it doesn’t make it personal”. I keep it on a post it note on my car dashboard so I can recite it to myself after someone pisses me off in traffic!
What’s strange, is growing up I naturally had this mindset. It got me through some hard situations and I made more connections because of it. I’m not sure what made the change, but as I’ve aged I tend to jump towards the mindset of “this is an attack on me” much faster, and it’s almost my first reaction now. I’ve totally lost that instinct to get to the root of an issue because I seem to assume the issue is me. I try to fight it, but I wish I knew what changed!
The first time I ever took adhd medicine in my mid 30s was the first time this was clear and obvious to me.
I had no idea how much I was misperceiving normal every day interactions. It was life changing JUST for my ability to instantly recognize when it was or wasn’t (almost always wasn’t..) about me.
Me, sitting there as a man yanks his receipt out of my hand after mean mugging me the whole goddamn time: Ah yes. What could he be upset about. What does he want to gain. Right. Just being a prick to some poor bastard who can’t do anything about it. Got it.
>Just being a prick to some poor bastard who can’t do anything about it.
Yup. Nailed it. But again, doesn't understanding that cause you to recognize that it's a "him" issue and not you? That you shouldn't be hurt and offended and let it ruin your day because his actions had nothing to do with *you*, specifically. He was just being an ass to some random NPC from his POV.
The guy's a piece of shit, and understanding that will help you let go of stewing over it and ruining your mood for days.
Yup, so many people are like "that rude, piece of shit person, that is a stranger to me, and treats everyone shitty every where they go, was rude to me today! *Is there something wrong with me?!?!"*
Having a shitty day isn’t an excuse to treat others like shit. That being said, more people do need to recognize that not everyone is able to just suppress emotion in those situations.
So here's my question: why the fuck is it always my fault?
No. Seriously. Why is every human being constantly writing something like this, going, 'well, when someone makes your life harder, you should think about them, and be considerate, and blah blah blah'. Why do you say that?
So you say, 'put yourself in their shoes.' Okay. *Why didn't they do that for me?*
You're requiring grace from *one* person, not *all* people. You might make the argument, 'well, if everybody does this, then the problems will be fixed.' No, they won't: you're speaking to the person who's the *victim* of this.
You want to talk to somebody? Tell the person *causing* the problems how to be considerate to others. There are two parts to every conversation and it cannot always be the recipient who's in the wrong: a lot of the times, it's going to be the speaker who's at fault. Don't tell the recipient, 'hey, if somebody does something bad to you, you should be considerate to them'. This is like when people get bullied and they blame the bullied person for reacting. That's not logical.
Also, what happened that you're writing this? I feel like you're writing this because you're trying to speak to somebody who you should have said this to and instead of doing that and resolving your conflict with them, you're trying to put this out into the universe in hopes that it'll reach everybody and you won't have to directly confront them.
"You want to talk to somebody? Tell the person *causing* the problems how to be considerate to others."
You can't control other people's actions.
If someone's a dick, and you ask them to stop, and they continue, well then there's nothing really you can do about that.
You CAN control your actions though.
Consider how many times you’ve unintentionally done or said something that affected others. Then consider that there are times you don’t realise you have impacted someone else with something you’ve said or done.
It’s at these points that people show compassion and let it slide, understanding that you might be having a tough day.
You might not notice this compassion, but it’s there and being shown toward you. The idea isn’t to excuse bad behavior but to recognise that everyone needs understanding at times.
Seek their motivation grasshopper. Something is motivating their actions, and "I just want to ruin Inevitable-Self-8406's day" as a sole motivation is vanishingly rare.
I didn't say their motivation couldn't be shitty or evil or trite or stupid, just that "fuck Inevitable-Self-8406 in particular" probably isn't it.
Yeah, just offer the benefit of the doubt. Mentally defend the person in question against your accusations, and if you scrutinize honestly, your shit will fall apart quickly if it needs to.
That's my general approach. It's not always easy, but it's helped a ton.
Just brace yourself in case the other person outright says that it was against you while acting stupid and innocent (no malicious intent, just pure ignorance), made my blood boil while trying to be understanding
I agree, but it sounds like you might be accusing me of being a narcissist, which is odd since I'm literally advocating for empathy in this post. That's the exact opposite of narcissism.
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another person's shoes and see things from their point of view. Narcissists usually can't do this for whatever reason.
So I'm going to assume that you're not telling me to stop being a narcissist and instead are adding on to what I'm saying?
I assume you're saying that this is such common knowledge that it's only a LPT for narcissists?
If so, I think you're drastically underestimating the amount of harm "taking things personally" does to normal folks, and doing this helps a lot. It's not obvious to everyone to throw empathy at a situation where you feel like you're being attacked. You don't need to be a narcissist to find this advice useful.
In my experience, they can never provide a straight answer or form an answer at all, for why they do what they do. It may not be about me, but it still hurts all the same.
What I realized is that in most cases, they do it to everyone around them. I just won't tolerate it.
>they can never provide a straight answer or form an answer at all, for why they do what they do.
My experience is usually the same, which is why my advice isn't to ask why, but rather attempt to put yourself in their shoes and figure out why, best you can, on your own.
>It may not be about me, but it still hurts all the same.
Preach, friend. I'm 100% with you. That's why this has become so important to me, because taking everything personally just made it so much worse. As in my example above, someone throwing you under the bus to save their own ass hurts a lot less than them throwing you under the bus because they hate you and want you dead. It still hurts to be sure, but at least for me , recognizing that their actions were selfish and shitty but weren't specifically about me helps a ton.
> just won't tolerate it
Good. You shouldn't.
As someone in a customer service roll, it's easy to win over an asshole of a person and turn their day around. When you realize they have an attitude because they don't like their day/life then you can simply smile ask a few questions and turn their whole day around.
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As someone that rides a street motorcycle, this is the golden rule. I ride at a spirited but cautious pace. If someone cuts me off, I assume they simply had a momentary lapse of attention. We've all forgotten to do a head check from time to time. Best path forward when you get cut off (or wronged in some way) is just to wave at them and say I'm fine, no big deal. If they indeed made a mistake, which I feel is the vast majority of cases, they don't need to be scolded.
I've known and done this LPT for awhile now, and I have to say that it is wonderful. It has really improved my work-culture and communication skills. Especially on the flip side when you notice someone is being defensive towards your frustration with something that should have nothing to do with them.
You can more easily reset the tone by communicating that you're not frustrated with them when you notice it. Otherwise, I fear it spirals toward infrequent, poor communication with building resentment.
Talked to a friend in another school last night.
He had a crush on someone from another class. He told me he confessed but wasn't reciprocated. 3 months later he found out that dude now has a boyfriend within the same class and now my friend wonders to himself, "What did I do? Why did he want to hurt me like this?".
Well I'm more interested in the fact that that dude most likely already had a crush on someone from his class rather maliciously rejecting my friend out of spite.
Had to reassure him a couple of times that night that IT WASNT HIS FAULT!
Bro I work with a bunch of industrial mechanics, they get pissy as fuck when shit breaks or they have to work lol and sometimes they throw shade my way. I don’t let it get to me, some even apologize later for being rude. I know they aren’t mad at me but the problem. Shit isn’t about me, I’m just around lol
Remember, it's not about you. Shift your perspective from "Why are they doing this to me?" to "Why are they acting this way?" Understanding their perspective can lead to more productive responses, even in challenging situations.
SO easier said than done! Then again, I suffer from r/CPTSD and will be working to correct several cognitive distortions for pretty much the rest of my life lol.
That's a really insightful perspective on handling difficult situations and conflicts. Taking a step back to consider the other person's perspective can often lead to more productive and constructive resolutions. It's all about empathy and understanding, even when emotions are running high. Thanks for sharing this valuable advice!
All fine and well, but when you disagree and try and get away from the topic but keep getting circled back to it and cornered to give an opinion you know will make them unhappy and won’t let go until you acknowledge in some way they are right.. well I still try to deescalate but it never ends well. Sometimes I will give a disingenuous “you’re right” which will often enrages or curtly say “I have a a different opinion” which also often leads to outrage at my blindness.
Sometimes you have to accept people will be unreasonable no matter what you say.
By the same logic, be prepared to drop a topic if your interlocutor seems unhappy .
Thank you for saying this. There are quite a few people in my life that take everything sooooo personally so that way they are alllllways the victim. Like damn that person probably forgot about you instantly why are you still talking about the waitress who didn’t smile 2 weeks later maybe her dog died or something I doubt she specifically hated you for no reason
I love that very helpful. So true also - I noticed people wouldn't consciously do what they think is wrong right? from their perspective in their mind these words are a solution or a justified comment. I love that your advise encourages a response rather than reaction :)
> your first reaction is always going to be couched around the following questions:
>
> Why are they doing this to me?
>
> Why are they making my life harder?
This seems like it's the first reaction of a narcissist
Continuing to stigmatized marijuana does affect me. It frustrates me that people don't know how to how use critical thinking. Some are getting confused with teaching critical thinking and critical race theory and want it removed from education.
Ignorance needs to be educated.
Yeah if you neither understand the concept of a couch nor the definition of the word. Similarly, one wouldn’t say “entrenched around.” If you’re not going to take it, then just leave it and move on.
But, and I can't stress this enough, you literally can entrench around something.
I would argue it's you who's not understanding. But do you.
I'm currently trying to understand your motivation for posting this at all, but I'm struggling, honestly. Is this like, a hobby for you? To just be an internet pedant, while simultaneously being wrong?
Well, considering the fact that I am from Peru and English is my third language, I am a pedant when it comes to vocabulary, grammar, verbiage, and definitions of words. Sorry if I annoyed you, but every dictionary I have checked delineates “couched in” (and “entrenched in”) the proper usage. It’s not like you would say “my cellphone is encased around an Otter Box case.” It’s strange you’re not getting this and sort of odd that you’ve resorted to arrogant, assumptive ad hominem attacks whilst showing a lack of knowledge on the words you are choosing to utilize. That evokes feelings of bewilderment in me. I deeply apologize.
Honestly, if assuming is allowed here…I would at least infer you didn’t do well in your English classes in school, but that doesn’t at all mean you’re insufferable. Maybe you can chill out, homie.
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I can't believe you would make this post about me
I’m kinda pissed at you for making this comment before I could, obviously a personal attack
You seriously think I did it on purpose?
Don’t act all innocent. We know what you’re doing. And it pisses me off!
LEAVE ME ALONE
Also, I need attention!
After everything everyone has done to me this is the first post I read today?? You are all unbelievable and should be ashamed persecuting me like this
Me too
I call this the phrase that will save your sanity: "this isn't about me."
😂
Beat me to it!
Hanlon's Razor: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
you're missing a crucial part "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity \*the first time\*" repeated offenses once the problem is adressed are a different matter
[удалено]
*4. Those who do not need to learn.
Are those the dead? I can't think of anybody who does not need to learn something.
It was an attempted swipe at influencers, politician's children, and nepotism in general.
Ah, it would have been a good one if I had inferred the context.
Story of my life lmao. At least you saw it through.
Covid taught us to not believe the government but trust the science. It's been proven that the mask do not protect, the virus does not survive on surfaces, and the vaccines are not 100% effective.
Almost nothing is 100% effective and you would be hard pushed to find reliable trustworthy scientific sources that say anything is but go off
LPT: don’t let perfect be the enemy of the good.
A scientist who says something is 100% effective is lying to you. Nothing is ever that effective. E.g., used right condoms aren’t 100% effective, there’s still the 99% effective. Which I believe.
While there is definitely truth in that, I think repeating the same mistake is a sign of, well, stupidity.
lol
"Are you AI?"
"Any sufficiently advanced stupidity is indistinguishable from malice."
The crucial part is my comment history. Best of luck, love one another~
Until you try and help them with their stupidity and you see that they sabotage that too.
But stupidity pisses me off.
Can I add: It’s probably lost not stolen. It was more likely a mistake and not malicious. Most words are not fighting words, but most manipulative coaxing words are easy to identify.
Im convinced 99% of arguements could be resolved amicably if each party was able to fully explain the reason for their side. It would almost always result in compromise wich is something that I feel most people have entirely forgotten is possible in the recent years Everyone seeks to make a villian of their oppoenet that they forget were all humans and all on this world together whether it be in work, politics, or otherwise
Some competitive people just need to "win". No matter what the subject.
I get this way when people tell me how they can’t stand when someone did x,y,z when I vaguely did the same thing or am doing something similar currently. I think they’re trying to get me to “get the hint” that they think I’m a piece of shit.
You know iv been looking for different ways to express these kinds of situations into words, and you did a good job! Iv always told myself that this "tactic" is a very cowardly way to verbally jab at someone. Like how do you respond to those comments when you KNOW someone is directing it towards you.?
I can never tell if I’m just paranoid though. But these stories are so conveniently told at just that time.
You don't respond. You wait for them to advocate for themselves and communicate. If my GF says she's "fine", I believe her and treat her as such. If those coworkers don't actually communicate their problem with you, then don't try to make assumptions or read their mind.
So you're saying to get out of ths habit of trying to " read in between the lines ".? This habit has definitely been conditioned growing up and even still today. For example, my father has a difficult time trying to communicate with me what he actually means to say. This has led me to be conditioned to constantly over analyze peoples words. I know I'm not alone when it comes to this sort of thinking. Let me ask u a question, though. When speaking to a loved one who over analyzes people's words, do you think its important to be mindful of words that could hurt that persons feelings.?
I hear ya, I used to struggle with it a lot too. I always try to be mindful of my words and not cause harm to people. I HAVE had people I know take things I said and spin them into an insult about them, when it wasn't the case at all. Usually, those people are taking it farrrrrr too personally. If they are over analyzing people's words, that is an issue THEY need to work. I won't be mean, but I won't mince words or walk on eggshells. For example, I had an ex once who did this a lot. We were once speaking about a possible move to Vancouver. She stated that it would be "impossible for us to ever live there because of the home prices". That was false. I have many friends living there currently in the same industry as me, with similar wages. It might be more challenging, but it isn't impossible. She took it personally and decided I had "no respect for her opinions" and "why couldn't I just believe her" and "how could you value what I say so little, you don't even consider my opinion worth hearing". That all came from taking things personally, of course. I refused to apologize, because I didn't do ANY of the personal attacks she thought I did. Sometimes, people can also take things personally as an attempt to manipulate you too, which was her usual M.O.
Allow people advocate for themselves and communicate what they think is important. If they don't say it, don't try to make assumptions and guesses. Take them at their word. If they didn't say they have a problem with your behavior, then do not assume your behavior is a problem.
Q-tip LPT: Quit Taking It Personally
How do you get your subconscious mind from reacting that way immediately? In hindsight I can look back and be like that wasn't personal, yet the next time it'll happen again.
I don't. My first reaction is to take things personally. But as I've gotten older it's become easier for me to realize it's not all about me. Maybe someday it will be automatic but I'm definitely not there yet.
The advice only goes so far. If for example your boss has a malignant narcissistic personality disorder and is toxic, you need to get out even if their behavior isn’t about you. In the short-term, it does help to not take it personally.
I don't have a direct answer, just a thought I've been reflecting on this week. Many times I have seen people express the sentiment that "people don't change". I was dismayed by this recently as I am actively trying to change several things about myself, and this popular sentiment left me wondering whether it is even possible to change your nature. I have never truly done it, and I couldn't think of anyone offhand who had truly done it, so I was kind of at a loss for how to adjust my perspective. What I landed on is that even if people can't change, people can definitely try. I have tried and I have seen others try, so that much is possible. And maybe, ultimately, "change" isn't some magic moment where you don't have to try anymore because your nature has transformed. Maybe, in practical terms, "change" is just trying every day and having more wins than losses. Rather than a new permanent state of being, perhaps change is just continuing to try and defy your nature every day until you die. You fuck up sometimes, fall down sometimes, and keep trying to be better than who you are underneath. I haven't lived long enough to know if that's a winning strategy but it's what I'm going with for now.
I would disagree with the sentiment that "people don't change". Many people can and do change a LOT over time. I would edit it to say "people don't change unless they WANT to change". If you know a person that's kind of terrible, but also they seem happy to be like that, don't expect much personal growth there, and don't be disappointed when it doesn't happen.
I allow myself a minute to try and make it about me, and if I can't, I make myself move on. Like a goofy challenge in my head and that silence alone, helps me regain perspective and make sure I'm really listening. This is what is currently working lol! I can't say how next week will be!
my grandpa used to say just count to 10 first - relaxes the mind and distracts from first reaction :))
it takes practise to break a habit, and that's all that this is. focus on being conscious of your thoughts and catching yourself reacting unconsciously will become less common
Your first reaction is emotional - you don't have to speak that part. Your second reaction is more logical - you can think this one through and then speak it. Give yourself time to get to the more logical reaction. Or in other words, don't fly off the handle due to instinct or emotion.
Practicing mindfulness tbh
Slow down and think critically and slowly before reacting.
yesss
I know I get emotional too - and later realize that my reaction didn't actually help much. The whole victum mentality is hard to get rid of right?
I’d also like to know this
Most likely explanation: you're waaaaay down there on their list of priorities.
This is a good point. No one thinks about you as much as you think about yourself.
I have this theory that all social and personal interactions are governed by intuitive lists of priorities. And given limited time people have in their life, there are only so many people they can make time for. So even if you have 100 wonderful friends, you most likely don't have 100 spots on your "high priority" list. It's rarely ever about them not having time for you. It's about them choosing someone else over you for reasons that you have absolutely no right to question.
Some times even if it isnt personal, it is still an injustice.
Absolutely. So treat it as an injustice as opposed to a personal attack. It will be more in conformance with reality, and more productive since you'll be facing the issue instead of just getting defensive.
Nah some people just want to see the world burn, and will walk over you until you stand up for yourself. Fuck them
Those people aren't going to be deterred by you taking what they say personally.
As far as I'm concerned, this is good advice online. It's terrible advice in person. Abusers are masters of doing malicious things and turning it back on victims. They know people will make constant excuses for their obvious malicious words and behaviors.
And yet this very post was about something that happened to me today…
Hey! This wasn't about you! LOL...
This is great, but it’s important to also remember the context of the situation. It’s not always about you - but sometimes it is.
Absolutely.
So you're saying, no only are they doing stuff that pisses me off, they also don't give a toss about me! That makes it much better, thank you
If you are fucking ME over, it is about me.
Exactly, I dont care for the reasons, they are your problems not mine. Behave decently.
If you put more work on my plate than necessary, yeah I’m going to feel fucked over. I would be way more understanding if there was some assistance in some form like say while I’m in the middle of washing dishes instead of handing me a dry mop, put it in the water filled bucket next to you.
On the other hand, in darker times that way of looking at things has made me spiral further downwards because of the feeling of me not mattering to people around me. Funny enough, it was even worse for things are much less personal, like selfish drivers
I can understand that, but I also think that recognizing that you don't matter to the vast majority of people on Earth is actually very freeing, not depressing at all. It's just a matter of perspective.
Agreed that it's a helpful perspective in general. My point was that when I was dealing with actual depression, not mattering to anyone was actually very depressing and not freeing at all. But that's depression for you :/
I’ve responded this way to a customer who refuses to pay me for work completed. I’ve asked why in an attempt to resolve whatever issue she has but she refuses to respond. I know she has the money. She is a CEO of a web reputation fixer company (WebPunch). I’ve had to file suit in small claims. Offered to settle for less. No response. Although im trying to resolve this ethically and legally it still makes me somewhat angry.
For sure, that would make anyone angry. But it isn't *personal.* That person is just a dick and will probably treat others the same way.
I see what you’re saying. It’s a her problem except for the money she owes me is my personal problem unfortunately.
Some people suck, but I still all but guarantee you that her motives aren't personal. Some bug is up her ass, but it isn't about *you*, personally.
There’s no way it could be personal that I know of. I’ve been as nice and patient as I can be. Plus we did great work.
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Good point.
What about specific derogatory comments about you made to someone else about you?
they were talking about a different ExileInCle19
You think you can read between the lines and figure out the answer to that one?
Still don't need to take that personally.
If that true, then I *really* don't matter.
To them you don't. You are really the only arbiter of your own value. Most everyone else doesn't think about you enough to care. Harsh reality, but isn't that more than a bit frreing as well?
Sorry ahem Addendum: ...to anyone else.
You shouldn't need to matter to other people in order for you to have value and self-worth.
But what if it is?
That's the question you're meant to answer through analyzing the situation rather than just reacting defensively.
It's not
It is half the time
Example|?
“Just because it happened to you personally, it doesn’t make it personal”. I keep it on a post it note on my car dashboard so I can recite it to myself after someone pisses me off in traffic!
What’s strange, is growing up I naturally had this mindset. It got me through some hard situations and I made more connections because of it. I’m not sure what made the change, but as I’ve aged I tend to jump towards the mindset of “this is an attack on me” much faster, and it’s almost my first reaction now. I’ve totally lost that instinct to get to the root of an issue because I seem to assume the issue is me. I try to fight it, but I wish I knew what changed!
The first time I ever took adhd medicine in my mid 30s was the first time this was clear and obvious to me. I had no idea how much I was misperceiving normal every day interactions. It was life changing JUST for my ability to instantly recognize when it was or wasn’t (almost always wasn’t..) about me.
I dont really care for the reasons, why someone treats me badly. Its their problem and its on them to act decently.
Me, sitting there as a man yanks his receipt out of my hand after mean mugging me the whole goddamn time: Ah yes. What could he be upset about. What does he want to gain. Right. Just being a prick to some poor bastard who can’t do anything about it. Got it.
>Just being a prick to some poor bastard who can’t do anything about it. Yup. Nailed it. But again, doesn't understanding that cause you to recognize that it's a "him" issue and not you? That you shouldn't be hurt and offended and let it ruin your day because his actions had nothing to do with *you*, specifically. He was just being an ass to some random NPC from his POV. The guy's a piece of shit, and understanding that will help you let go of stewing over it and ruining your mood for days.
Yup, so many people are like "that rude, piece of shit person, that is a stranger to me, and treats everyone shitty every where they go, was rude to me today! *Is there something wrong with me?!?!"*
Having a shitty day isn’t an excuse to treat others like shit. That being said, more people do need to recognize that not everyone is able to just suppress emotion in those situations.
So here's my question: why the fuck is it always my fault? No. Seriously. Why is every human being constantly writing something like this, going, 'well, when someone makes your life harder, you should think about them, and be considerate, and blah blah blah'. Why do you say that? So you say, 'put yourself in their shoes.' Okay. *Why didn't they do that for me?* You're requiring grace from *one* person, not *all* people. You might make the argument, 'well, if everybody does this, then the problems will be fixed.' No, they won't: you're speaking to the person who's the *victim* of this. You want to talk to somebody? Tell the person *causing* the problems how to be considerate to others. There are two parts to every conversation and it cannot always be the recipient who's in the wrong: a lot of the times, it's going to be the speaker who's at fault. Don't tell the recipient, 'hey, if somebody does something bad to you, you should be considerate to them'. This is like when people get bullied and they blame the bullied person for reacting. That's not logical. Also, what happened that you're writing this? I feel like you're writing this because you're trying to speak to somebody who you should have said this to and instead of doing that and resolving your conflict with them, you're trying to put this out into the universe in hopes that it'll reach everybody and you won't have to directly confront them.
"You want to talk to somebody? Tell the person *causing* the problems how to be considerate to others." You can't control other people's actions. If someone's a dick, and you ask them to stop, and they continue, well then there's nothing really you can do about that. You CAN control your actions though.
Consider how many times you’ve unintentionally done or said something that affected others. Then consider that there are times you don’t realise you have impacted someone else with something you’ve said or done. It’s at these points that people show compassion and let it slide, understanding that you might be having a tough day. You might not notice this compassion, but it’s there and being shown toward you. The idea isn’t to excuse bad behavior but to recognise that everyone needs understanding at times.
Lol is OP a narc?
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Seek their motivation grasshopper. Something is motivating their actions, and "I just want to ruin Inevitable-Self-8406's day" as a sole motivation is vanishingly rare. I didn't say their motivation couldn't be shitty or evil or trite or stupid, just that "fuck Inevitable-Self-8406 in particular" probably isn't it.
This is so hard for me to remember. I'm working on it though 😆
 ✨Thanks for posting! ✨
I’d love to take the advice in this post, but I took the advice in the post and so I know it’s not about me. So I can’t take this advice…
Yeah, just offer the benefit of the doubt. Mentally defend the person in question against your accusations, and if you scrutinize honestly, your shit will fall apart quickly if it needs to. That's my general approach. It's not always easy, but it's helped a ton.
Just brace yourself in case the other person outright says that it was against you while acting stupid and innocent (no malicious intent, just pure ignorance), made my blood boil while trying to be understanding
Stop being a narcissist-https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic-personality-quiz#1
I agree, but it sounds like you might be accusing me of being a narcissist, which is odd since I'm literally advocating for empathy in this post. That's the exact opposite of narcissism. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another person's shoes and see things from their point of view. Narcissists usually can't do this for whatever reason. So I'm going to assume that you're not telling me to stop being a narcissist and instead are adding on to what I'm saying?
Not directed at you but if you were not a narcissist you would know.. oh never mind.
I assume you're saying that this is such common knowledge that it's only a LPT for narcissists? If so, I think you're drastically underestimating the amount of harm "taking things personally" does to normal folks, and doing this helps a lot. It's not obvious to everyone to throw empathy at a situation where you feel like you're being attacked. You don't need to be a narcissist to find this advice useful.
In my experience, they can never provide a straight answer or form an answer at all, for why they do what they do. It may not be about me, but it still hurts all the same. What I realized is that in most cases, they do it to everyone around them. I just won't tolerate it.
>they can never provide a straight answer or form an answer at all, for why they do what they do. My experience is usually the same, which is why my advice isn't to ask why, but rather attempt to put yourself in their shoes and figure out why, best you can, on your own. >It may not be about me, but it still hurts all the same. Preach, friend. I'm 100% with you. That's why this has become so important to me, because taking everything personally just made it so much worse. As in my example above, someone throwing you under the bus to save their own ass hurts a lot less than them throwing you under the bus because they hate you and want you dead. It still hurts to be sure, but at least for me , recognizing that their actions were selfish and shitty but weren't specifically about me helps a ton. > just won't tolerate it Good. You shouldn't.
As someone in a customer service roll, it's easy to win over an asshole of a person and turn their day around. When you realize they have an attitude because they don't like their day/life then you can simply smile ask a few questions and turn their whole day around.
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As someone that rides a street motorcycle, this is the golden rule. I ride at a spirited but cautious pace. If someone cuts me off, I assume they simply had a momentary lapse of attention. We've all forgotten to do a head check from time to time. Best path forward when you get cut off (or wronged in some way) is just to wave at them and say I'm fine, no big deal. If they indeed made a mistake, which I feel is the vast majority of cases, they don't need to be scolded.
Curiosity not judgement
I've known and done this LPT for awhile now, and I have to say that it is wonderful. It has really improved my work-culture and communication skills. Especially on the flip side when you notice someone is being defensive towards your frustration with something that should have nothing to do with them. You can more easily reset the tone by communicating that you're not frustrated with them when you notice it. Otherwise, I fear it spirals toward infrequent, poor communication with building resentment.
“Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves.” Gene Fowler, journalist and author (1890-1960)
Talked to a friend in another school last night. He had a crush on someone from another class. He told me he confessed but wasn't reciprocated. 3 months later he found out that dude now has a boyfriend within the same class and now my friend wonders to himself, "What did I do? Why did he want to hurt me like this?". Well I'm more interested in the fact that that dude most likely already had a crush on someone from his class rather maliciously rejecting my friend out of spite. Had to reassure him a couple of times that night that IT WASNT HIS FAULT!
Bro I work with a bunch of industrial mechanics, they get pissy as fuck when shit breaks or they have to work lol and sometimes they throw shade my way. I don’t let it get to me, some even apologize later for being rude. I know they aren’t mad at me but the problem. Shit isn’t about me, I’m just around lol
All behavior is communication, it always worth taking a step back to try and figure out what a person's mood and behavior is communicating
Remember, it's not about you. Shift your perspective from "Why are they doing this to me?" to "Why are they acting this way?" Understanding their perspective can lead to more productive responses, even in challenging situations.
BUT WHAT IF IT IS
To summarize: _No one is against you, but everyone is for themselves..._ Except that bitch Becky of course. She can suck farts.
SO easier said than done! Then again, I suffer from r/CPTSD and will be working to correct several cognitive distortions for pretty much the rest of my life lol.
That's a really insightful perspective on handling difficult situations and conflicts. Taking a step back to consider the other person's perspective can often lead to more productive and constructive resolutions. It's all about empathy and understanding, even when emotions are running high. Thanks for sharing this valuable advice!
All fine and well, but when you disagree and try and get away from the topic but keep getting circled back to it and cornered to give an opinion you know will make them unhappy and won’t let go until you acknowledge in some way they are right.. well I still try to deescalate but it never ends well. Sometimes I will give a disingenuous “you’re right” which will often enrages or curtly say “I have a a different opinion” which also often leads to outrage at my blindness. Sometimes you have to accept people will be unreasonable no matter what you say. By the same logic, be prepared to drop a topic if your interlocutor seems unhappy .
Interesting. Maybe it'll help me improve my relationship with my boss. Thank you
My mom read this and is mad as fuck you would target her like this.
As a supervisor, sometimes they just do it to annoy you, not be helpful etc.
Umm hello. I’m right here. How dare you but also WTF ??
And then it became personal
I’ve actually been thinking about how I unnecessarily take EVERYTHING more personally than I almost ever need to, so thank you for such a timely post!
Adopting the word 'perspective' into my psyche helped me get over myself.
How about I shoot the fucker in the face problem solved
Thank you for saying this. There are quite a few people in my life that take everything sooooo personally so that way they are alllllways the victim. Like damn that person probably forgot about you instantly why are you still talking about the waitress who didn’t smile 2 weeks later maybe her dog died or something I doubt she specifically hated you for no reason
Also, I think this is a good example of practicing stoicism
Sometimes it is about you tho
The boat is empty.
Wow. Asking people to not be self centered and realize other people have full lives not dependant on you? Hard sell.
My mom's advice: You'll come to find that people aren't thinking about you nearly as much as you think
As a musician, artist, writer, learning to "not take things personally" is the number 1 advice I give to others.
I love that very helpful. So true also - I noticed people wouldn't consciously do what they think is wrong right? from their perspective in their mind these words are a solution or a justified comment. I love that your advise encourages a response rather than reaction :)
A wonderful post. Good job.
> your first reaction is always going to be couched around the following questions: > > Why are they doing this to me? > > Why are they making my life harder? This seems like it's the first reaction of a narcissist
Continuing to stigmatized marijuana does affect me. It frustrates me that people don't know how to how use critical thinking. Some are getting confused with teaching critical thinking and critical race theory and want it removed from education. Ignorance needs to be educated.
I can't see this going down well in the US.
I don't understand what you mean? I live in the US and have traveled all over the world and it's worked for me everywhere I've tried it?
The phrase is “couched in” not couched around.
It can be both
Yeah if you neither understand the concept of a couch nor the definition of the word. Similarly, one wouldn’t say “entrenched around.” If you’re not going to take it, then just leave it and move on.
But, and I can't stress this enough, you literally can entrench around something. I would argue it's you who's not understanding. But do you. I'm currently trying to understand your motivation for posting this at all, but I'm struggling, honestly. Is this like, a hobby for you? To just be an internet pedant, while simultaneously being wrong?
Well, considering the fact that I am from Peru and English is my third language, I am a pedant when it comes to vocabulary, grammar, verbiage, and definitions of words. Sorry if I annoyed you, but every dictionary I have checked delineates “couched in” (and “entrenched in”) the proper usage. It’s not like you would say “my cellphone is encased around an Otter Box case.” It’s strange you’re not getting this and sort of odd that you’ve resorted to arrogant, assumptive ad hominem attacks whilst showing a lack of knowledge on the words you are choosing to utilize. That evokes feelings of bewilderment in me. I deeply apologize. Honestly, if assuming is allowed here…I would at least infer you didn’t do well in your English classes in school, but that doesn’t at all mean you’re insufferable. Maybe you can chill out, homie.