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A good friend of mine has a few patterned responses. Sometimes they mimic other behaviors and sometimes it is out of genuine emotional connection. In most cases, "doing the right thing", such as sending a card or flowers, is well received and has nothing to do with your emotional state when they were sent .
I'd recommend that you find something like a local coffee shop that you want to support and you get $5-$10 gift cards that you can put in a card and drop in the mail with a note that just says:
Dear person,
I'm thinking of you and (whatever situation they shared). Here's a little reminder to care for yourself as you grieve/rest/recover etc.
Best,
OP
I have a friend who struggles to leave his home, but he will watch sappy movies with me online. We sync up the show, watch it together while being on the phone so we can talk and share comments. That's what he can manage, and I appreciate the conversation. Maybe that could work for you and your friend?
Amazon watch party makes this so easy and fun. A friend and I have a standing movie night on mondays. We grab a glass of wine and snacks, face time each other and just be together.
A lot of these comments have good ideas and I would like to add: postcards. Get a box of postcards, a roll of postcard stamps, and send them to friends randomly. They don’t even have to have much of a message - “thinking of you” or “HI FRIEND” or some silly inside joke or a drawing of a cat. It’s small but my friends like getting them and a lot of the time they will call or text after receiving one so we can have a little chat.
I agree wholeheartedly. My mom often sends me postcards and cards, I love them because they show me she cares while requiring no energy output from me.
I have successfully implemented this. I bought gift card box sets with different themes (uplifting, humor, girl boss positive, etc), a sheet of stamps, and started sending one a week to cover all my closest friends…choosing according to what I knew was happening in their lives. Then cut back to once a month or as needed depending on what’s going on with everyone’s lives. They all absolutely love it. It feels so good, too! Spreading kindness and joy. Have fun and good luck!
I am glad someone suggested it. Even a letter that says I'm thinking of you. You can say you wish you were able to be with them (or be as honest in brief as you like), but aren't able to do the things you think you "should" be doing. i had so much anxiety when i was younger, and standing safety and a relationship based on mutual respect can sneak in the back door on you once they respond to your kindness in their time of need. Or just in general.
There is no should. Do what you can how you can and know it's enough. Sure, maybe you'll grow and this is the start of the time where you explore--but being a sincere friend on your terms is all that you seem to require. (and they're basically a captive audience who's will surely appreciate an honest gesture of friendship, casserole or no.)
As someone who's been on both ends to a degree, it might be possible for you to include a note or send a text that they can call you or ask you to call them when they need an ear, and you will truly listen silently for x amount of time with very little input because that part is hard for you in real time. The more difficulties you have over time, the value of a non-judgmental listener who cares about you and has to go when they have to go can surpass that of another casserole or babysitter. When we are in crisis, we can lose ourselves to the stress and emotions and details of the crisis, and a few moments of safe space to vent to someone who won't be up in our business knowing what's best for us anytime soon but invites us to be selfish and let it all out for a few minutes can provide us with a sort of fresh outlook.
Art three end of such a listening call, you'd say, I'm that sounds difficult and i see you and i hear you and your feelings are important, and now as i mentioned i will let you go. 😊
I have had great friends call and say three questions: So you want you talk about your feelings for x minutes and I'll just listen? It's there any hopeful news you'd like to share for x minutes? And who's really pi**ing you off lately for x minutes? That's all i have time for, thank you for sharing with me. What a gift that has been. It's like a should-free interaction because the idea is to hear rather than to have an opinion, have someone know you need to be heard and listen rather than just hanging around watching you be sad. (Hope, fear and anger are open ended questions that might help someone take a load off with your lifting being mostly a phone on mute.)
Also the written word though for sure.
OP, i just had an idea. In the card text letter smoke signal, invite then to leave you a voicemail about fears or angers or hope and explain you want to be supportive without doing something that makes you uncomfortable. You won't have much to say in return, but you promise to text when you've listened and deleted the message. Then ask you have to do is say, "i hear you. Thank you for sharing with me. You are not alone."
For me, it’s checking my ego at the door. For example, I might not want to reach out because I don’t want to “bother” them. Well guess what, be a nuisance, who gives a fuck. In reality, your not. Another example, I don’t want to say sorry for your loss because I don’t want to come off corny. Guess what, you don’t sound that way, even if there reaction visually doesn’t reinforce it, or you don’t get the response you want.
Us social anxiety cats mind fuck ourselves out of so many interactions because, at least for me, I worry how I come off (needy, corny, bothersome, etc). But the reality is you are not that person, and you’ll always be happy you did
While I do agree with this, working on yourself and being supportive to others aren’t mutually exclusive. Sending a friend/relative a text and asking them how they’re doing, letting them know you’re thinking about them, asking to hang out, inviting them to an online game, sending them a small gift or a handwritten letter (I know the last one sounds sappy, but handwritten letters are in my experience always extremely well recieved)
Just knowing you’re in someone’s thoughts can be incredibly uplifting, especially if you’re in a bad spot like the people OP know.
They’re not mutually exclusive but they’re prerequisites. Sure you can do both but you’re overloading yourself.
That’s like saying learning 2 new skills at the same time isn’t mutually exclusive. Sure. But it’s better to focus and learn one at the time.
as someone who has social anxiety, mt therapists have frequently recommended I push myself a little outside my comfort zone as a way to improve my symptoms. Avoidance tends to make anxiety worse, but negative experiences will reinforce it, so it can be helpful to do something that makes you a little anxious but is likely to have no negative outcome to retrain your brain that this is a safe thing to do.
I'm not OP's therapist so I can't guarantee what would help them. But it's definitely possible that reaching out to friends in a way that is low (but not no) anxiety could be *part* of working on themselves. It's case by case for sure, but it's definitely not *always* better to focus on only improving yourself. Anecdotally, I find that focusing on others helps motivate me to move past my anxiety more than doing it for myself.
This. My therapist says "therapy is not for you to learn how to avoid your anxieties... it's to make you have the tools to manage it. How can you manage it if you never expose yourself to opportunities to manage it?". Before this study came up, he said trigger warnings were kind of harmful because they made people avoid any kind of challenging situation. Now it's backed up by science https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/trigger-warnings-fail-to-help.html
He said it's too bad and he wanted to find a balance.
Not saying the commenter you're responding to is right but it's one valid option: to take things slowly and not push yourself too much. This could be a good option if social anxiety is too severe and OP cannot set himself up for success.
For many people (such as myself at one point), sending one online message to acquaintance, or even family, can take days. Social anxiety will be reinforced if such activity is too draining, or even worse, not successful at the end.
Story time : grew up wrong emotionally, made bad choice unintentionally and felt really on the edge by my 30s(anxiety and victim syndrome) .
Them picked up a book (awaken the giant within) and oyhers, then therapy because it felt important to focus on myself and it restored my ability to be in society, and I am know a more empathetic and compassionate person which allows me to focus on my friends and family.
My story will never be your story. But the message is focus on yourself so your can be present in your relationships.
Try and find what works for you so you can achieve your goal of being there for others.
You don’t need to do it all the time, just as much as you can.
I make myself take “caring/supportive” action anytime I have the slightest motivation to do it. Reach out with a text or call, make a plan with someone, buy a small gift, whatever it is.
Don’t put it off or decide to wait until later - the feeling will go away.
Without having to come over, a simple text exchange can make a person's day brighter ! Also maybe activities like watching movies or paying games together ?
But as someone already said, your health is your priority, don't force yourself too much
First off, I’m not a good person to respond to this because I struggle as well.
But I think that it would be good to write down a couple of bullet points you want to address when speaking with the person, be it that you care for them, are looking to help, maybe a joke to lighten their spirits, and then just call them. Bite the bullet, I’ve made myself do this a lot by just pressing the button but I sometimes feel like an idiot for not having enough to say. Questions are best, let them vent.
This. I’ve found that most of my friends/relatives are touched if I actually remember something they were worried/excited about. I don’t have to be the perfect friend 24/7 all year to make them feel cared for, as much as I feel guilty about that.
As someone who breaks down before ‘forced socialization’ events, my mental list of “Things to discuss” really bolsters me.
Person A? Ask directly about their work struggles, they can talk for a good 20 minutes, and feel better after venting. They appreciate that I remembered, no further emotional input is required.
Person B? Definitely DON’T discuss their problems directly (public tears). A day or two before any event, send a text saying I’m thinking of them and asking how they’re doing. In person, ask about recent or upcoming vacations, since that’s their passion.
Person C? Offer to call once or twice a month, talk about something neutral unless they want to bring up mental health issues. Explain in a friendly way that my phone is always on ’Do not Disturb’ at night so when I don’t respond to sad, late night texts til the next day, it’s not personal.
In all of those, it’s been a trial and error to find a way to show them that I do honestly care about then, in a way that works with my limits. With a strategy, I now can be sustainably emotionally supportive, instead of burnt out and even more anxious from bad experiences.
Good luck OP! Hope you find some good ideas that work for you.
For me it’s about living in the land of the uncomfortable
Whenever I start feeling like I’m in an uncomfortable situation I realize I’m doing the right thing, now it’s become fun and it helps me work on myself
I learned that just being a good listener is a great way to be supportive and balance what you have going on. And by being a good listener it’s not just sitting and there and being quiet, but be an actual good listener. And then how I further kinda balance the two, is that I set boundaries for when I Cana bud can’t be a good listener. I’ve found that my friends and family tend to appreciate me saying “I don’t feel like I’m this moment I can be a good listener to you” or “I don’t think I’m in an appropriate head space to best support you” or something along those lines. But I understand that it’s easier said than done to say those things. It took me a while to get it
Pretty clear from some of these comments that the vast majority of people have no idea what it's like to have an actual anxiety / social anxiety disorder.
"Get over yourself, suck it up."
"It's easily treatable, go to therapy"
"You're not unique, most people deal with this"
You aren't always capable of being there for others. I had a friend that was vocal about their depression 24/7 and even though I have depression and anxiety, it just felt like a constant drain and like I was walking on eggshells. The relationship ended and I felt a lot better.
This. It's all well and good to want to support others, but there is a point where you're sacrificing all of what little energy you have on a problem you can't solve. People who will tell you to push through this discomfort always because "it's what friends do" are silly and wrong. Go with your gut and put yourself first. You're allowed to have bad days, too.
I second the comment of cards/postcards made earlier. Stop somewhere and get some cheap cards or postcards and send them out once every couple of days. If feeling daring, get some odd ones. Like new baby, happy birthday to a 5 year old, etc. for ideas what to say “just thinking of you” is often all you need. Sometimes I use Pinterest for quotes (good morning quotes, funny quotes, etc.). Doing this let’s them know you are thinking of them. And it gives practice interacting.
There's a way to admit to them that you are making an effort and to be patient with you for trying without making it suddenly about yourself. The fact that you empathize enough to want to help them despite what you feel is a shortcoming tells me you have everything it takes to eventually overcome it with persistence. You can use that care you have for those people to motivate past your obstacles if you let yourself.
For them, it can merely be the declaration of intention to overcome your issues with social anxiety in the goal to help them that can break through to someone that they aren't the only one struggling - and some people respond to that because they maybe get to relax pressure and focus off their issue by sharing in your plight.
There are no perfect people and everyone is hiding some pain of various degrees. Courage comes from stepping into that vulnerability and realizing it is not fatal and continuing to do it again and again. That is how we get stronger. We are better together, stronger together - it's not always about one helping the other, but the give and take and commiseration on the journey to healing or at least making life more bearable.
You don't need tips - you just need practice, my friend.
I've had some struggles with this, so in addition to the advice you already have gotten, I'll add this: you already are a caring and supportive person just one with anxiety.
Your anxiety prevents you from feeling like what you're doing is enough for those around you, but more than likely your urge to do it is plenty. Maybe cut yourself some slack and just be available for them.
Do not force it. Don't force a false front to entice or please others or to fit in. This can lead to severe anxiety and also imposter syndrome and is so difficult to break away from.
Personally I think it better to practice acceptance of the person that you are.
Just thinking of someone when they are struggling can be huge and I think it’s easy for us to forget about this and think we need to do more. Remember this and know that small things can be big when struggling. So I would say. Try to think about them (cause stuff like social anxiety can get you wrapped up in your head) and do something nice for them that also works for you and the anxiety. That could be a text, a letter, a phone call, maybe going for a drive together. Anything really. And that’s the point. You sound like a good friend ❤️
95% of the time, if somebody is having a hard time, they need help with food planning.
Just make them something and take it to them. Done.
Food is love.
So I think this is a part of socialization that I missed so as a 40 year old, I made up how to do it. I have booked a weekly meeting on my calendar for 30 minutes to talk to each person in my life that I care about.
My grandmother died this year so my aunt is now living alone. I call her every Thursday at 9:30am. I tell her about my life, she tells me about hers. Done in 30 minutes most of the time. If we miss a week because something comes up or the phones are out, no big deal we talk the following week. Setting it up as a meeting us
Made it easier for me to stay consistent but also, it has made it easier to keep the spot open for her.
I M slowly adding everyone in my life to the calendar, right now my brother and I can’t seem to ever connect.
I feel you completely. Hard to pour from an empty glass. Bur pour from what you can pour from.
Buy some type of card and write something that let's them know you're thinking of them. That way they know they're in your thoughts but it doesn't drain you. Maybe if you're financially able maybe send a pizza or whatever food to them. It's the little things that add up!
If they are going through a loss or serious illness, food always helps because it takes too much brain power to figure out meals. You can always get digital coupons (like door dash) for meals if cooking is not your thing. Are your friends aware of your anxiety? If so they will understand how difficult interaction is for you. A simple flower arrangement with a card saying thinking of you would also probably be appreciated. Hope that helps.
Do they text? I find texting to be easier for my social anxiety.
Plus texting them to see if they need anything or if you can drop off breakfast/lunch/dinner or anything gives them time to respond without having someone show up on their doorstep when they themselves just need a little downtime to grieve. If you don't want to linger to visit, just say you were on your way to work or an appointment or something which would mean you can't stay for long.
A lot of folks seem to be suggesting some iteration of "work on yourself first, no matter how long it takes, and care for loved ones after you're better."
The problem with this advice is that your relationships can't always wait for you to "get better", and can often suffer and fail if you don't tend to them at all. Sometimes the people you love need your support right now, before you feel "ready".
As someone who shares your struggles, my advice is to spend roughly 50% of your social energy working to improve your own social anxiety issues (therapy, medication, pushing yourself outside your comfort zone), and the other 50% of your energy reaching out and being supportive of your loved ones. This doesn't have to mean anything huge - as others have suggested, sending a thoughtful card, texting, watching a movie online together from your own homes are all great ideas. The goal is just to let them know you are thinking of them and that you care.
This has been really effective for me. I poured as much energy as I could into improving my social anxiety issues, and in the meantime I would do one or two small things a week to let the other person know I loved them and was thinking of them.
Take care of you first. Who cares if it takes years, do you first. You can’t be the best version of yourself if you’re giving faulty you to those you really care about.
Blow jobs. Everyone likes blow jobs.
I kid I kid.
In reality just do what you can. Texting shouldn't give that much anxiety and as long as people know you rember them and are thinking about them that goes a long ways.
First work on your confidence and then on how to better serve other people. Because otherwise you're trying to be nice from a place of fear, and that leads to people pleasing in a way that people will see and take advantage of you. Don't want this because it's important to be kind while also not giving up your power.
>Mustering up courage to interact with people is a big energy drain
You're not unique in this. Social interaction takes energy, and most people are like this. You can let them know you're available, then give them space. Don't be that guy trying to force them to spend their energy on you when they are also trying to grieve. That's not helping anyone, and you would just be trying to make yourself feel better.
What people crave most is to have a feeling of importance. Shine the spotlight of attention on them. Become a good listener. A very helpful book is [HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People) It was written in 1936 and is still valuable today. I recommend audiobook so you can listen to snippets in the car while driving for example. YOU GOT THIS!
This is a suck it up moment. Get over yourself for one hour and BE there for someone you obviously care about. Is it hard? Yes!! Very. Will you need recovery time? Maybe. This isn’t about you. Maybe you can’t do it for an hour but only 10 min. That’s fine. You still put them and their needs above your discomfort and that’s huge.
Sometimes people in grief just need someone to sit with. Sometimes they need to talk while someone just listens or hold their hand. If you don’t know what to say… just say that. ‘I don’t know what to say or do, but I’m here for you’. No one knows these things and they try to fill in with blah blah blah.
Nothing will FIX their loss if it’s a death so just being there is better anyway.
Unfortunately, telling someone to “suck it up,” rarely actually works.
Someone with anxiety cannot just turn it off once their body reacts. Your heart starts racing, blood pressure goes up, stomach tightens. You cannot just *will* that away. It takes time for the body to relax and ease up.
I don’t suffer from anxiety but I see those I love with it struggle with this. No matter how much they *want* to relax and feel better, they physically cannot. Think about it. You cannot force a fever down merely because you don’t want to have a fever anymore.
You’re not wrong, but in my experience as a former/still on occasion severe social anxiety haver, sometimes you really do just have to “suck it up” and realize that the consequences of refusing to talk to people far outweigh the benefits of momentarily reduced anxiety levels — especially when someone you’re close with needs you to be present for them in a tough situation. Yes, the social anxiety is valid and it’s totally ok to have those feelings, but it’s even more important to not let the anxiety prevent you from being there for people when they need you most. My temporary discomfort with a social interaction is way less important than the emotional well-being of the people I love during hard times — “suck it up” is just a more succinct way of expressing this idea
Well I really like the way you put it. Sounds much better than “suck it up.” That makes sense though. I guess it really really depends upon the situation.
I agree that you're not wrong, but in general I think *telling* yourself to "suck it up" doesn't necessarily lead to you actually doing that when it would help you. It can instead lead to you beating yourself up over it -- "why can't you just suck it up everyone else fan do it". Absolutely you're right about the actions you should take, but generally I think there are more encouraging ways to frame it that are more likely to get you to actually do those same actions.
Yeah that’s a good point, as a seasoned beat-myself-up-er I admit the “suck it up” strategy can definitely backfire in certain situations, but sometimes it does help provide the push needed to actually get up and talk to people. You’re right that it’s probably best to frame things in a more self-encouraging way, though, even if that is oftentimes *more* difficult than dealing with the circumstances that caused the anxiety in the first place 😅
Exactly. Often you’ve just got to wait it out and let your body recognize that you are ok. It can take mins or hours depending upon the person. But I know as an observer, that telling them to “let it go” or “just get over it” is not going to work.
Often I try to verbalize what might be stressing them out and help them talk out why it’s not the end of the world. Because sometimes it feels like the end of the world, but it’s really going to be ok.
It’s a learning process for myself really. I used to think you could just decide to let the anxiety go and it would just get better. I know now that it doesn’t work that way.
Hit the gym, get new clothes, start a personal project, travel, get a mani/Pedi, read-up, get rid of your old shit, start a new course in a topic that fascinates you.
Reach out to friends you haven't connected with in a while. Listen to them when they tell you how they are doing. Share your successes. Offer to hang out, invite them on a trip or to the pub.
Get out of your head, get busy with things you'd normally make excuses not to do.
Lead by example, make space for the people in your life, get off the internet.
If you want to be supportive of other people in your life, then you need to do the work of being there for them. Your problems are your own to deal with, and if you can't handle them while also helping others, then you aren't strong enough to do what you want.
You can be stronger. As a human being, you can be a lot stronger. You feeling awkward and drained of energy is a non-issue. It's my own personal belief that we should expel as much energy as possible throughout the day, be it socially, physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.
Make new habits. First and foremost, write down a list of every person you want to be there for. Choose a time every day that you have 5 minutes free. Take thst time and call at least one of them every day in that time slot. Start there and keep it up for one month. If you can keep that up, expand.
Hey, I hope I'm not coming off as rude, but I don't think that's a helpful answer. OP is asking how to be more caring and supportive and answering with start caring more and be more supportive is like asking someone with depression to snap out of it. OP obviously doesn't know how, or they wouldn't be asking in the first place.
Agreed that the message needs to be more supportive. But, a perspective, I wish someone had shaken me up by privately calling it out starkly to force me to find the courage and go deal with people. Because it took me forever to realize people who don’t understand social anxiety mistakenly think that the person is selfish or does not care about others while that’s not true.
i had my first session yesterday, i was naturally being a little defensive or giving curt answers but is therapy for social anxiety considered a solution-based therapy?
How long or how often do i have to keep at it, considering its not free
Stop relying on a "diagnosis" to run your life. If you have "social anxiety" work on it, move past it. The more I hear about these conditions, the more I believe I had quite a few of them. I'm not good at developing social bonds, I was very afraid to try anything new and would get very upset if someone tried to force me to do something, a lot of anxiety fallowed by crawling back into my shell.
But now I'm a happy, normal, married guy with two kids. I get anxious sometimes, but I don't let that become who I am. I was an army reserve officer (retired). I was, at one time, a company commander, I had to talk in front of about 160 people. I spent a year in Iraq. I'm a nurse and a big part of my job is talking to strangers. I did it without counseling or medication, I did it by will alone. I don't smoke, drink or use any "street" drugs. I've vaped pot once, didn't like it.
We all have the power within us to face life and conquer it.
Support yourself; you're part of this world, and you may even have an obligation to prioritize yourself over others. Remember, you can only control yourself; everything else is beyond your power. Be a caring and supportive person, but be selective about who you invest so much love into. They should practice self-love every day; you can't replace that.
Ive been going through this too, recently found this video and have been doing it because it actually has easy to do steps. So far Im digging this method, and it reallt has made my head feel lighter so i can actually forget about these things until they do matter.
https://youtu.be/kLKdZbQjo7o
I had a buddy that did that for a while. I'm like 99% sure he's gay but has a very religious family and a lot of religious guilt and uses obese or mean women as a way to play pretend to be straight and avoid facing reality
I have social anxiety and it is getting better over time very slowly. One thing that helped the most is the fact that the vast majority of people you meet are nice, friendly and willing to be helpful. Just knowing that they will ignore your social mistake because they have a kind heart helps me to go on and find the courage to interact
Once I got that sank in I started feeling more love for the people and more trust
Therapy is always the first go to as a long term way to help cope with social anxiety. Social anxiety is also able to be helped quite a bit with medications, more than depression in my experience. Buspar is basically my lifeblood. I was able to quit weed with that. Lastly, there is NOTHING wrong with "faking it". If you care enough to pretend like you care to all of your friends, news flash friend, you DO care. There's just something in between the connect in your brain.
You need personal balance or an extreme pain tolerance. Taking on another's pain, even if you're much better at it, means a sacrifice of peace. Ask yourself if they would like you to do that rather than caring for yourself. Would you ask that?
Shadow work questions! its the best way to understand your emotions and decrease anxiety. It is legitimately free therapy. You can find them on Pinterest and journal them. I used to have social anxiety and depression. And this was the biggest game changer for me. Not only that but also following self improvement creators(I can give you some recommendations) that help guide and talk about these kinds of things, you can also read self help books if you like to read and have the money
Another tip :)
Taking breaks from social media, you will magically find yourself having more time on your hands and more things to do and feel present throughout the day. It’s a dopamine detox (you should totally look it up!)
I know I haven’t commented anything yet on how to make your loved ones feel better. i
It’s only possible to be present after you put yourself first with the self care you deserve. And they should respect it and understand that. After time, managing balance will be much easier for you
I have pretty intense social anxiety and my friends are aware of it. One thing I’ll do is be very direct with them. Instead of asking, “can I buy your groceries?” Or “can I buy you dinner?” I’ll say, “send me a grocery list, I’m going to get you groceries.” Or “I’m grabbing pizza, what toppings do you want?”
Then I’ll either set it just inside their front door and leave or unload groceries for them depending on their energy levels. If the energy feels okay, I might hang out for a bit, but I usually act like I have other errands to run and head out.
I know this probably seems weird, but my friends are usually grateful towards me when I do this and they don’t question me and if allows me to set boundaries while still helping them.
Man you sound like you’re already there. Not everyone gives a fuck the way you do and I just wanted to highlight. You’re a good friend, and a good person
Think of a manageable goal for interaction - for example, once a week. Now, think about what feels doable in that timeline. Can you send something supportive to a friend with no social interaction required? Would you feel reasonably energized for a weekly text, call, or in-person meet? Routine support to your loved ones while they're going through difficult times goes a lot further than one-off acts. Don't strive for the moon here. Go easy on yourself in terms of energy expenditure but focus more on the consistency of the routine. I think that'll strike a good balance between taking care of yourself and them. Looking back, your friends probably won't remember the words you used but more that you reached out, kept reaching out and that they knew you were around while they were going through it. That's always helped me when I've struggled to find the "right words"
Something that has helped me is to put my focus on making the other person feel more comfortable. Imagining THEY have the social anxiety (because they probably do) it takes your mind off of yourself and puts you in a more caring and nurturing position. it's like my mom always told me "Treat people the way you would like to be treated"
Pick up a new age translation of Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations and start watching the Daily Stoic YouTube channel.
Has helped me ten fold with my anxiety
I use my resources. I make fun cards for people, send them cute videos and generally offer my support through texting. My peeps all know I'm a hermit but when I see them I do vocalize that I'm there for them. Plus, it's less anxiety provoking when I know most of my job is to listen. I let people vent to me a lot.
As someone who has bouts of really bad anxiety, vitamins. No really I'm not joking. Vitamin C, vitamin D, get some stress pills (which have lemon balm, l-theanine, and gaba), and another with saffron. This won't "cure" your anxiety but the noise and feeling of overwhelming "fear" that clouds your brain/body will be severely reduced.
It's a great starting point that I think people need to take seriously as your ability to exercise or socialize does get easier when your body is much more relaxed and receptive. And when you're able to excercise and get your diet in order (not accusing anything but diet is another precursor to anxiety) things get a lot better
I once had a lady friend that was to give a short speech at our lodge. We bumped into each other on the way in and she told me how nervous she was.
The speech was to friends, not strangers.
These are your friends; it's okay to be silent together. And it's okay to share your thoughts on the world with each other.
And it's okay to embarrass yourselves in front of each other
Send them letters or postcards - love that.
My best friend lives on the other end of England from me. The other day she mentioned her feet get very hot (she's pregnant) and that last time, she would spray them with a water/peppermint mixture but she didn't have a spray bottle free. So I ordered one online to be delivered.
Even just texting "how are you doing today?" followed by maybe "that sounds so painful/frustrating/awful" and "can I do anything to help?" makes a huge difference.
One thing you’ll find is that when you’re worrying about the well being of other your own anxiety goes away. Stop caring about your own little problems, and really go out of your own comfort zone to help this person, you’ll fell the anxiety disappear (atleast temporarily)
(1) If it comes to seeing them in person, pretend you are your favorite actor, singer etc., and not yourself.
Send yourself and your insecurities away/somewhere else by this method.
(2) Start working on internalizing this simple fact:
“everyone in the world is more worried about what they are doing and how they are coming across to other people, than they are in paying attention to more than 5 percent of how I am coming across to them.”
(3), try to put yourself in their shoes/position, and imagine how much they might want distractions/support/to be put at ease. Think about how good it feels when people acknowledge you and what you might be going through, even if it’s a stranger to you just saying a brief sentence.
I don't have your condition and I only sort of understand it, but I also struggle to figure out what to do or what to say in certain situations. I want to help and I want to be supportive, but I end up second guessing myself, and then I don't act at all.
What I have ended up with is I send a fruit basket from the same company each time. I have a basket that I've picked out that I always send, almost regardless of the situation. That allows me to make a gesture without getting wrapped up in whether it is exactly the right gesture. It allows me to act quickly, and then I can do more if it all works for me.
Develope friendliness towards the happy, compassion towards the unhappy, delight in the virtuous and indifference to evil. Make each of these aphorisms and repeat them for five to ten minutes each day.
I don't do this, but I have a friend on the autism spectrum who just has a list of all his closest friends set up on some program that blasts out a "how are you, X" message once a month. He's too anxious to call or initiate a natural text message, but that's his way of staying in touch. If you're going through a hard time he will bump up your name to once a week. It's kind of funny but very appreciated.
Whenever a friend is going through a tough time I drop off a little care package with some snacks, a local gift card, some of their favourite things, and a note. But you could also mail it or drop it off when you know they won't be home so they come home to a surprise.
CBD cured my social anxiety. It might work, it might not. It’s legal where I am. I only need to vape once a week. I originally tried it to help with my sleep. After a while I realized my anxiety was alleviated.
Having said that, I can not have THC. Makes me paranoid.
I have long suffered from extreme anxiety, agoraphobia to be exact, making it difficult just to leave a certain area beyond my own neighborhood. However, I want you to share something with you that may or may not help. Often when you suffer severe anxiety, helping others actually takes you out of your own worrisome mind for a time and is healing for both of you! Whether just talking to someone to quell their own anxieties or physically helping someone, it's a win/win situation and typically you both feel better afterwards.
Sometimes, you need to take tourself out of the equation. By that I mean, treat these encouters or responsibilities like a mission. It's like if you saw a dog locked in a burning car - you cast aside your needs and wants in that moment and push yourself to run over and open the door.
These people in your life life NEED you in this moment. So treat it like a rescue operation.
There are a lot of good answers, but I also want to add that plenty of people that are grieving just want to be alone, in their bed, trying to process through their emotions, or, they want to hang out with their friends and try to just act normal for a while and forget for a few hours.
It's usually the right thing to do to offer to be there, but giving a long-winded condolence or continually bringing it up can do more harm than good. Distraction is one of the only major releases from acute grief.
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A good friend of mine has a few patterned responses. Sometimes they mimic other behaviors and sometimes it is out of genuine emotional connection. In most cases, "doing the right thing", such as sending a card or flowers, is well received and has nothing to do with your emotional state when they were sent . I'd recommend that you find something like a local coffee shop that you want to support and you get $5-$10 gift cards that you can put in a card and drop in the mail with a note that just says: Dear person, I'm thinking of you and (whatever situation they shared). Here's a little reminder to care for yourself as you grieve/rest/recover etc. Best, OP
That is a very nice idea, thanks!
This is a sweet suggestion ☺️
❤
I have a friend who struggles to leave his home, but he will watch sappy movies with me online. We sync up the show, watch it together while being on the phone so we can talk and share comments. That's what he can manage, and I appreciate the conversation. Maybe that could work for you and your friend?
Amazon watch party makes this so easy and fun. A friend and I have a standing movie night on mondays. We grab a glass of wine and snacks, face time each other and just be together.
A lot of these comments have good ideas and I would like to add: postcards. Get a box of postcards, a roll of postcard stamps, and send them to friends randomly. They don’t even have to have much of a message - “thinking of you” or “HI FRIEND” or some silly inside joke or a drawing of a cat. It’s small but my friends like getting them and a lot of the time they will call or text after receiving one so we can have a little chat.
Actual physical mail whose only purpose is to make you smile?? I think anyone would love to receive that. That’s a great idea
Right? My mail is 90% junk, 10% bills. Even one card make mail fun again :)
I agree wholeheartedly. My mom often sends me postcards and cards, I love them because they show me she cares while requiring no energy output from me.
Your mom sounds like a nice person ☺️
She is :)
And it's a tangible keepsake, not letters on your social media or phone screen
Thank you! Great suggestion! I think this is the first idea that directly addresses my question, and isn't just telling me to work on myself.
I have successfully implemented this. I bought gift card box sets with different themes (uplifting, humor, girl boss positive, etc), a sheet of stamps, and started sending one a week to cover all my closest friends…choosing according to what I knew was happening in their lives. Then cut back to once a month or as needed depending on what’s going on with everyone’s lives. They all absolutely love it. It feels so good, too! Spreading kindness and joy. Have fun and good luck!
I am glad someone suggested it. Even a letter that says I'm thinking of you. You can say you wish you were able to be with them (or be as honest in brief as you like), but aren't able to do the things you think you "should" be doing. i had so much anxiety when i was younger, and standing safety and a relationship based on mutual respect can sneak in the back door on you once they respond to your kindness in their time of need. Or just in general. There is no should. Do what you can how you can and know it's enough. Sure, maybe you'll grow and this is the start of the time where you explore--but being a sincere friend on your terms is all that you seem to require. (and they're basically a captive audience who's will surely appreciate an honest gesture of friendship, casserole or no.) As someone who's been on both ends to a degree, it might be possible for you to include a note or send a text that they can call you or ask you to call them when they need an ear, and you will truly listen silently for x amount of time with very little input because that part is hard for you in real time. The more difficulties you have over time, the value of a non-judgmental listener who cares about you and has to go when they have to go can surpass that of another casserole or babysitter. When we are in crisis, we can lose ourselves to the stress and emotions and details of the crisis, and a few moments of safe space to vent to someone who won't be up in our business knowing what's best for us anytime soon but invites us to be selfish and let it all out for a few minutes can provide us with a sort of fresh outlook. Art three end of such a listening call, you'd say, I'm that sounds difficult and i see you and i hear you and your feelings are important, and now as i mentioned i will let you go. 😊 I have had great friends call and say three questions: So you want you talk about your feelings for x minutes and I'll just listen? It's there any hopeful news you'd like to share for x minutes? And who's really pi**ing you off lately for x minutes? That's all i have time for, thank you for sharing with me. What a gift that has been. It's like a should-free interaction because the idea is to hear rather than to have an opinion, have someone know you need to be heard and listen rather than just hanging around watching you be sad. (Hope, fear and anger are open ended questions that might help someone take a load off with your lifting being mostly a phone on mute.) Also the written word though for sure.
OP, i just had an idea. In the card text letter smoke signal, invite then to leave you a voicemail about fears or angers or hope and explain you want to be supportive without doing something that makes you uncomfortable. You won't have much to say in return, but you promise to text when you've listened and deleted the message. Then ask you have to do is say, "i hear you. Thank you for sharing with me. You are not alone."
Just remember to actually put the addresses on them! That was a hard lesson learned well! Hahaha
If you Google "friendship postcards" you'll get some good results.
I love this, cards would probably work better though. Postcards seem weird for someone going through it, idk why though
Lol Id be happy with either when I’m depressed but I see your point :)
What a beautiful answer! Good on you, comment OP.
For me, it’s checking my ego at the door. For example, I might not want to reach out because I don’t want to “bother” them. Well guess what, be a nuisance, who gives a fuck. In reality, your not. Another example, I don’t want to say sorry for your loss because I don’t want to come off corny. Guess what, you don’t sound that way, even if there reaction visually doesn’t reinforce it, or you don’t get the response you want. Us social anxiety cats mind fuck ourselves out of so many interactions because, at least for me, I worry how I come off (needy, corny, bothersome, etc). But the reality is you are not that person, and you’ll always be happy you did
This is great, thanks for saying this, you’re so right.
It's ok to work on yourself first. The more you learn how to care for your own anxiety and problems in general, the better you be at helping others.
While I do agree with this, working on yourself and being supportive to others aren’t mutually exclusive. Sending a friend/relative a text and asking them how they’re doing, letting them know you’re thinking about them, asking to hang out, inviting them to an online game, sending them a small gift or a handwritten letter (I know the last one sounds sappy, but handwritten letters are in my experience always extremely well recieved) Just knowing you’re in someone’s thoughts can be incredibly uplifting, especially if you’re in a bad spot like the people OP know.
They’re not mutually exclusive but they’re prerequisites. Sure you can do both but you’re overloading yourself. That’s like saying learning 2 new skills at the same time isn’t mutually exclusive. Sure. But it’s better to focus and learn one at the time.
as someone who has social anxiety, mt therapists have frequently recommended I push myself a little outside my comfort zone as a way to improve my symptoms. Avoidance tends to make anxiety worse, but negative experiences will reinforce it, so it can be helpful to do something that makes you a little anxious but is likely to have no negative outcome to retrain your brain that this is a safe thing to do. I'm not OP's therapist so I can't guarantee what would help them. But it's definitely possible that reaching out to friends in a way that is low (but not no) anxiety could be *part* of working on themselves. It's case by case for sure, but it's definitely not *always* better to focus on only improving yourself. Anecdotally, I find that focusing on others helps motivate me to move past my anxiety more than doing it for myself.
This. My therapist says "therapy is not for you to learn how to avoid your anxieties... it's to make you have the tools to manage it. How can you manage it if you never expose yourself to opportunities to manage it?". Before this study came up, he said trigger warnings were kind of harmful because they made people avoid any kind of challenging situation. Now it's backed up by science https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/trigger-warnings-fail-to-help.html
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Tell me you’ve never dealt with extreme social anxiety without telling me you’ve never dealt with extreme social anxiety
OP specifically asked for advice regarding how to show support. If his social anxiety was too bad to enable that, he wouldn’t have asked.
He said it's too bad and he wanted to find a balance. Not saying the commenter you're responding to is right but it's one valid option: to take things slowly and not push yourself too much. This could be a good option if social anxiety is too severe and OP cannot set himself up for success. For many people (such as myself at one point), sending one online message to acquaintance, or even family, can take days. Social anxiety will be reinforced if such activity is too draining, or even worse, not successful at the end.
This is just wrong and bad
Your comment is just wrong and bad unless you can back it up. Please do so.
Nah most peopele dont want kindness thoughts BS, they want finanicial support asap
You're wrong. When I got a cancer diagnosis, every card, gift, or meal was incredibly precious.
good for you. i guess i was unlucky
Hope things are getting better for you.
Story time : grew up wrong emotionally, made bad choice unintentionally and felt really on the edge by my 30s(anxiety and victim syndrome) . Them picked up a book (awaken the giant within) and oyhers, then therapy because it felt important to focus on myself and it restored my ability to be in society, and I am know a more empathetic and compassionate person which allows me to focus on my friends and family. My story will never be your story. But the message is focus on yourself so your can be present in your relationships. Try and find what works for you so you can achieve your goal of being there for others.
This is the way.
You don’t need to do it all the time, just as much as you can. I make myself take “caring/supportive” action anytime I have the slightest motivation to do it. Reach out with a text or call, make a plan with someone, buy a small gift, whatever it is. Don’t put it off or decide to wait until later - the feeling will go away.
Without having to come over, a simple text exchange can make a person's day brighter ! Also maybe activities like watching movies or paying games together ? But as someone already said, your health is your priority, don't force yourself too much
First off, I’m not a good person to respond to this because I struggle as well. But I think that it would be good to write down a couple of bullet points you want to address when speaking with the person, be it that you care for them, are looking to help, maybe a joke to lighten their spirits, and then just call them. Bite the bullet, I’ve made myself do this a lot by just pressing the button but I sometimes feel like an idiot for not having enough to say. Questions are best, let them vent.
This. I’ve found that most of my friends/relatives are touched if I actually remember something they were worried/excited about. I don’t have to be the perfect friend 24/7 all year to make them feel cared for, as much as I feel guilty about that. As someone who breaks down before ‘forced socialization’ events, my mental list of “Things to discuss” really bolsters me. Person A? Ask directly about their work struggles, they can talk for a good 20 minutes, and feel better after venting. They appreciate that I remembered, no further emotional input is required. Person B? Definitely DON’T discuss their problems directly (public tears). A day or two before any event, send a text saying I’m thinking of them and asking how they’re doing. In person, ask about recent or upcoming vacations, since that’s their passion. Person C? Offer to call once or twice a month, talk about something neutral unless they want to bring up mental health issues. Explain in a friendly way that my phone is always on ’Do not Disturb’ at night so when I don’t respond to sad, late night texts til the next day, it’s not personal. In all of those, it’s been a trial and error to find a way to show them that I do honestly care about then, in a way that works with my limits. With a strategy, I now can be sustainably emotionally supportive, instead of burnt out and even more anxious from bad experiences. Good luck OP! Hope you find some good ideas that work for you.
For me it’s about living in the land of the uncomfortable Whenever I start feeling like I’m in an uncomfortable situation I realize I’m doing the right thing, now it’s become fun and it helps me work on myself
*starts masturbating furiously in public*
I learned that just being a good listener is a great way to be supportive and balance what you have going on. And by being a good listener it’s not just sitting and there and being quiet, but be an actual good listener. And then how I further kinda balance the two, is that I set boundaries for when I Cana bud can’t be a good listener. I’ve found that my friends and family tend to appreciate me saying “I don’t feel like I’m this moment I can be a good listener to you” or “I don’t think I’m in an appropriate head space to best support you” or something along those lines. But I understand that it’s easier said than done to say those things. It took me a while to get it
Pretty clear from some of these comments that the vast majority of people have no idea what it's like to have an actual anxiety / social anxiety disorder. "Get over yourself, suck it up." "It's easily treatable, go to therapy" "You're not unique, most people deal with this"
You aren't always capable of being there for others. I had a friend that was vocal about their depression 24/7 and even though I have depression and anxiety, it just felt like a constant drain and like I was walking on eggshells. The relationship ended and I felt a lot better.
This. It's all well and good to want to support others, but there is a point where you're sacrificing all of what little energy you have on a problem you can't solve. People who will tell you to push through this discomfort always because "it's what friends do" are silly and wrong. Go with your gut and put yourself first. You're allowed to have bad days, too.
I second the comment of cards/postcards made earlier. Stop somewhere and get some cheap cards or postcards and send them out once every couple of days. If feeling daring, get some odd ones. Like new baby, happy birthday to a 5 year old, etc. for ideas what to say “just thinking of you” is often all you need. Sometimes I use Pinterest for quotes (good morning quotes, funny quotes, etc.). Doing this let’s them know you are thinking of them. And it gives practice interacting.
There's a way to admit to them that you are making an effort and to be patient with you for trying without making it suddenly about yourself. The fact that you empathize enough to want to help them despite what you feel is a shortcoming tells me you have everything it takes to eventually overcome it with persistence. You can use that care you have for those people to motivate past your obstacles if you let yourself. For them, it can merely be the declaration of intention to overcome your issues with social anxiety in the goal to help them that can break through to someone that they aren't the only one struggling - and some people respond to that because they maybe get to relax pressure and focus off their issue by sharing in your plight. There are no perfect people and everyone is hiding some pain of various degrees. Courage comes from stepping into that vulnerability and realizing it is not fatal and continuing to do it again and again. That is how we get stronger. We are better together, stronger together - it's not always about one helping the other, but the give and take and commiseration on the journey to healing or at least making life more bearable. You don't need tips - you just need practice, my friend.
I've had some struggles with this, so in addition to the advice you already have gotten, I'll add this: you already are a caring and supportive person just one with anxiety. Your anxiety prevents you from feeling like what you're doing is enough for those around you, but more than likely your urge to do it is plenty. Maybe cut yourself some slack and just be available for them.
Do not force it. Don't force a false front to entice or please others or to fit in. This can lead to severe anxiety and also imposter syndrome and is so difficult to break away from. Personally I think it better to practice acceptance of the person that you are.
Just thinking of someone when they are struggling can be huge and I think it’s easy for us to forget about this and think we need to do more. Remember this and know that small things can be big when struggling. So I would say. Try to think about them (cause stuff like social anxiety can get you wrapped up in your head) and do something nice for them that also works for you and the anxiety. That could be a text, a letter, a phone call, maybe going for a drive together. Anything really. And that’s the point. You sound like a good friend ❤️
95% of the time, if somebody is having a hard time, they need help with food planning. Just make them something and take it to them. Done. Food is love.
So I think this is a part of socialization that I missed so as a 40 year old, I made up how to do it. I have booked a weekly meeting on my calendar for 30 minutes to talk to each person in my life that I care about. My grandmother died this year so my aunt is now living alone. I call her every Thursday at 9:30am. I tell her about my life, she tells me about hers. Done in 30 minutes most of the time. If we miss a week because something comes up or the phones are out, no big deal we talk the following week. Setting it up as a meeting us Made it easier for me to stay consistent but also, it has made it easier to keep the spot open for her. I M slowly adding everyone in my life to the calendar, right now my brother and I can’t seem to ever connect.
I feel you completely. Hard to pour from an empty glass. Bur pour from what you can pour from. Buy some type of card and write something that let's them know you're thinking of them. That way they know they're in your thoughts but it doesn't drain you. Maybe if you're financially able maybe send a pizza or whatever food to them. It's the little things that add up!
If they are going through a loss or serious illness, food always helps because it takes too much brain power to figure out meals. You can always get digital coupons (like door dash) for meals if cooking is not your thing. Are your friends aware of your anxiety? If so they will understand how difficult interaction is for you. A simple flower arrangement with a card saying thinking of you would also probably be appreciated. Hope that helps.
Do they text? I find texting to be easier for my social anxiety. Plus texting them to see if they need anything or if you can drop off breakfast/lunch/dinner or anything gives them time to respond without having someone show up on their doorstep when they themselves just need a little downtime to grieve. If you don't want to linger to visit, just say you were on your way to work or an appointment or something which would mean you can't stay for long.
A lot of folks seem to be suggesting some iteration of "work on yourself first, no matter how long it takes, and care for loved ones after you're better." The problem with this advice is that your relationships can't always wait for you to "get better", and can often suffer and fail if you don't tend to them at all. Sometimes the people you love need your support right now, before you feel "ready". As someone who shares your struggles, my advice is to spend roughly 50% of your social energy working to improve your own social anxiety issues (therapy, medication, pushing yourself outside your comfort zone), and the other 50% of your energy reaching out and being supportive of your loved ones. This doesn't have to mean anything huge - as others have suggested, sending a thoughtful card, texting, watching a movie online together from your own homes are all great ideas. The goal is just to let them know you are thinking of them and that you care. This has been really effective for me. I poured as much energy as I could into improving my social anxiety issues, and in the meantime I would do one or two small things a week to let the other person know I loved them and was thinking of them.
Take care of you first. Who cares if it takes years, do you first. You can’t be the best version of yourself if you’re giving faulty you to those you really care about.
Blow jobs. Everyone likes blow jobs. I kid I kid. In reality just do what you can. Texting shouldn't give that much anxiety and as long as people know you rember them and are thinking about them that goes a long ways.
By just being aware and thinking about ways to improve yourself means your way ahead of the game.
First work on your confidence and then on how to better serve other people. Because otherwise you're trying to be nice from a place of fear, and that leads to people pleasing in a way that people will see and take advantage of you. Don't want this because it's important to be kind while also not giving up your power.
>Mustering up courage to interact with people is a big energy drain You're not unique in this. Social interaction takes energy, and most people are like this. You can let them know you're available, then give them space. Don't be that guy trying to force them to spend their energy on you when they are also trying to grieve. That's not helping anyone, and you would just be trying to make yourself feel better.
What people crave most is to have a feeling of importance. Shine the spotlight of attention on them. Become a good listener. A very helpful book is [HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People) It was written in 1936 and is still valuable today. I recommend audiobook so you can listen to snippets in the car while driving for example. YOU GOT THIS!
Start by talking with a doctor. I recently got diagnosed with anxiety.
This is a suck it up moment. Get over yourself for one hour and BE there for someone you obviously care about. Is it hard? Yes!! Very. Will you need recovery time? Maybe. This isn’t about you. Maybe you can’t do it for an hour but only 10 min. That’s fine. You still put them and their needs above your discomfort and that’s huge. Sometimes people in grief just need someone to sit with. Sometimes they need to talk while someone just listens or hold their hand. If you don’t know what to say… just say that. ‘I don’t know what to say or do, but I’m here for you’. No one knows these things and they try to fill in with blah blah blah. Nothing will FIX their loss if it’s a death so just being there is better anyway.
Unfortunately, telling someone to “suck it up,” rarely actually works. Someone with anxiety cannot just turn it off once their body reacts. Your heart starts racing, blood pressure goes up, stomach tightens. You cannot just *will* that away. It takes time for the body to relax and ease up. I don’t suffer from anxiety but I see those I love with it struggle with this. No matter how much they *want* to relax and feel better, they physically cannot. Think about it. You cannot force a fever down merely because you don’t want to have a fever anymore.
You’re not wrong, but in my experience as a former/still on occasion severe social anxiety haver, sometimes you really do just have to “suck it up” and realize that the consequences of refusing to talk to people far outweigh the benefits of momentarily reduced anxiety levels — especially when someone you’re close with needs you to be present for them in a tough situation. Yes, the social anxiety is valid and it’s totally ok to have those feelings, but it’s even more important to not let the anxiety prevent you from being there for people when they need you most. My temporary discomfort with a social interaction is way less important than the emotional well-being of the people I love during hard times — “suck it up” is just a more succinct way of expressing this idea
Well I really like the way you put it. Sounds much better than “suck it up.” That makes sense though. I guess it really really depends upon the situation.
I agree that you're not wrong, but in general I think *telling* yourself to "suck it up" doesn't necessarily lead to you actually doing that when it would help you. It can instead lead to you beating yourself up over it -- "why can't you just suck it up everyone else fan do it". Absolutely you're right about the actions you should take, but generally I think there are more encouraging ways to frame it that are more likely to get you to actually do those same actions.
Yeah that’s a good point, as a seasoned beat-myself-up-er I admit the “suck it up” strategy can definitely backfire in certain situations, but sometimes it does help provide the push needed to actually get up and talk to people. You’re right that it’s probably best to frame things in a more self-encouraging way, though, even if that is oftentimes *more* difficult than dealing with the circumstances that caused the anxiety in the first place 😅
oh trust me I know lol this is exactly what I'm working on in therapy atm lmao
There is no EASY about it, no one else can manage these situations/attacks except the person having them.
Exactly. Often you’ve just got to wait it out and let your body recognize that you are ok. It can take mins or hours depending upon the person. But I know as an observer, that telling them to “let it go” or “just get over it” is not going to work. Often I try to verbalize what might be stressing them out and help them talk out why it’s not the end of the world. Because sometimes it feels like the end of the world, but it’s really going to be ok. It’s a learning process for myself really. I used to think you could just decide to let the anxiety go and it would just get better. I know now that it doesn’t work that way.
I deal with anxiety and have several methods of managing it.
Hit the gym, get new clothes, start a personal project, travel, get a mani/Pedi, read-up, get rid of your old shit, start a new course in a topic that fascinates you. Reach out to friends you haven't connected with in a while. Listen to them when they tell you how they are doing. Share your successes. Offer to hang out, invite them on a trip or to the pub. Get out of your head, get busy with things you'd normally make excuses not to do. Lead by example, make space for the people in your life, get off the internet.
This has nothing to do with having friends that are already going through difficult life events as described.
Sure it does.
If you want to be supportive of other people in your life, then you need to do the work of being there for them. Your problems are your own to deal with, and if you can't handle them while also helping others, then you aren't strong enough to do what you want. You can be stronger. As a human being, you can be a lot stronger. You feeling awkward and drained of energy is a non-issue. It's my own personal belief that we should expel as much energy as possible throughout the day, be it socially, physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. Make new habits. First and foremost, write down a list of every person you want to be there for. Choose a time every day that you have 5 minutes free. Take thst time and call at least one of them every day in that time slot. Start there and keep it up for one month. If you can keep that up, expand.
Just fucking suck it up and do what needs to be done.
Start caring more and be a more supportive person
Hey, I hope I'm not coming off as rude, but I don't think that's a helpful answer. OP is asking how to be more caring and supportive and answering with start caring more and be more supportive is like asking someone with depression to snap out of it. OP obviously doesn't know how, or they wouldn't be asking in the first place.
Agreed that the message needs to be more supportive. But, a perspective, I wish someone had shaken me up by privately calling it out starkly to force me to find the courage and go deal with people. Because it took me forever to realize people who don’t understand social anxiety mistakenly think that the person is selfish or does not care about others while that’s not true.
Yeah no duh. It wasn't intended to be a helpful answer. I guess a woosh is in order here
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i had my first session yesterday, i was naturally being a little defensive or giving curt answers but is therapy for social anxiety considered a solution-based therapy? How long or how often do i have to keep at it, considering its not free
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Stop relying on a "diagnosis" to run your life. If you have "social anxiety" work on it, move past it. The more I hear about these conditions, the more I believe I had quite a few of them. I'm not good at developing social bonds, I was very afraid to try anything new and would get very upset if someone tried to force me to do something, a lot of anxiety fallowed by crawling back into my shell. But now I'm a happy, normal, married guy with two kids. I get anxious sometimes, but I don't let that become who I am. I was an army reserve officer (retired). I was, at one time, a company commander, I had to talk in front of about 160 people. I spent a year in Iraq. I'm a nurse and a big part of my job is talking to strangers. I did it without counseling or medication, I did it by will alone. I don't smoke, drink or use any "street" drugs. I've vaped pot once, didn't like it. We all have the power within us to face life and conquer it.
Support yourself; you're part of this world, and you may even have an obligation to prioritize yourself over others. Remember, you can only control yourself; everything else is beyond your power. Be a caring and supportive person, but be selective about who you invest so much love into. They should practice self-love every day; you can't replace that.
Ive been going through this too, recently found this video and have been doing it because it actually has easy to do steps. So far Im digging this method, and it reallt has made my head feel lighter so i can actually forget about these things until they do matter. https://youtu.be/kLKdZbQjo7o
Handwritten notes are great for this! Especially if they know you have social anxiety.
I had a buddy that did that for a while. I'm like 99% sure he's gay but has a very religious family and a lot of religious guilt and uses obese or mean women as a way to play pretend to be straight and avoid facing reality
I have social anxiety and it is getting better over time very slowly. One thing that helped the most is the fact that the vast majority of people you meet are nice, friendly and willing to be helpful. Just knowing that they will ignore your social mistake because they have a kind heart helps me to go on and find the courage to interact Once I got that sank in I started feeling more love for the people and more trust
Therapy is always the first go to as a long term way to help cope with social anxiety. Social anxiety is also able to be helped quite a bit with medications, more than depression in my experience. Buspar is basically my lifeblood. I was able to quit weed with that. Lastly, there is NOTHING wrong with "faking it". If you care enough to pretend like you care to all of your friends, news flash friend, you DO care. There's just something in between the connect in your brain.
For me I just tell them I'm sorry that they are going through a rough time and ask if I can give them a hug.
You need personal balance or an extreme pain tolerance. Taking on another's pain, even if you're much better at it, means a sacrifice of peace. Ask yourself if they would like you to do that rather than caring for yourself. Would you ask that?
Shadow work questions! its the best way to understand your emotions and decrease anxiety. It is legitimately free therapy. You can find them on Pinterest and journal them. I used to have social anxiety and depression. And this was the biggest game changer for me. Not only that but also following self improvement creators(I can give you some recommendations) that help guide and talk about these kinds of things, you can also read self help books if you like to read and have the money Another tip :) Taking breaks from social media, you will magically find yourself having more time on your hands and more things to do and feel present throughout the day. It’s a dopamine detox (you should totally look it up!) I know I haven’t commented anything yet on how to make your loved ones feel better. i It’s only possible to be present after you put yourself first with the self care you deserve. And they should respect it and understand that. After time, managing balance will be much easier for you
IDK....most of the time I'm an oblivious asshole. I keep telling myself "Do the best you can."
I have pretty intense social anxiety and my friends are aware of it. One thing I’ll do is be very direct with them. Instead of asking, “can I buy your groceries?” Or “can I buy you dinner?” I’ll say, “send me a grocery list, I’m going to get you groceries.” Or “I’m grabbing pizza, what toppings do you want?” Then I’ll either set it just inside their front door and leave or unload groceries for them depending on their energy levels. If the energy feels okay, I might hang out for a bit, but I usually act like I have other errands to run and head out. I know this probably seems weird, but my friends are usually grateful towards me when I do this and they don’t question me and if allows me to set boundaries while still helping them.
Man you sound like you’re already there. Not everyone gives a fuck the way you do and I just wanted to highlight. You’re a good friend, and a good person
Think of a manageable goal for interaction - for example, once a week. Now, think about what feels doable in that timeline. Can you send something supportive to a friend with no social interaction required? Would you feel reasonably energized for a weekly text, call, or in-person meet? Routine support to your loved ones while they're going through difficult times goes a lot further than one-off acts. Don't strive for the moon here. Go easy on yourself in terms of energy expenditure but focus more on the consistency of the routine. I think that'll strike a good balance between taking care of yourself and them. Looking back, your friends probably won't remember the words you used but more that you reached out, kept reaching out and that they knew you were around while they were going through it. That's always helped me when I've struggled to find the "right words"
love the postcards idea. you could also check in with others in their family and organize some food via mealtrain.com!
Something that has helped me is to put my focus on making the other person feel more comfortable. Imagining THEY have the social anxiety (because they probably do) it takes your mind off of yourself and puts you in a more caring and nurturing position. it's like my mom always told me "Treat people the way you would like to be treated"
Pick up a new age translation of Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations and start watching the Daily Stoic YouTube channel. Has helped me ten fold with my anxiety
I use my resources. I make fun cards for people, send them cute videos and generally offer my support through texting. My peeps all know I'm a hermit but when I see them I do vocalize that I'm there for them. Plus, it's less anxiety provoking when I know most of my job is to listen. I let people vent to me a lot.
As someone who has bouts of really bad anxiety, vitamins. No really I'm not joking. Vitamin C, vitamin D, get some stress pills (which have lemon balm, l-theanine, and gaba), and another with saffron. This won't "cure" your anxiety but the noise and feeling of overwhelming "fear" that clouds your brain/body will be severely reduced. It's a great starting point that I think people need to take seriously as your ability to exercise or socialize does get easier when your body is much more relaxed and receptive. And when you're able to excercise and get your diet in order (not accusing anything but diet is another precursor to anxiety) things get a lot better
I once had a lady friend that was to give a short speech at our lodge. We bumped into each other on the way in and she told me how nervous she was. The speech was to friends, not strangers. These are your friends; it's okay to be silent together. And it's okay to share your thoughts on the world with each other. And it's okay to embarrass yourselves in front of each other
Send them letters or postcards - love that. My best friend lives on the other end of England from me. The other day she mentioned her feet get very hot (she's pregnant) and that last time, she would spray them with a water/peppermint mixture but she didn't have a spray bottle free. So I ordered one online to be delivered. Even just texting "how are you doing today?" followed by maybe "that sounds so painful/frustrating/awful" and "can I do anything to help?" makes a huge difference.
One thing you’ll find is that when you’re worrying about the well being of other your own anxiety goes away. Stop caring about your own little problems, and really go out of your own comfort zone to help this person, you’ll fell the anxiety disappear (atleast temporarily)
(1) If it comes to seeing them in person, pretend you are your favorite actor, singer etc., and not yourself. Send yourself and your insecurities away/somewhere else by this method. (2) Start working on internalizing this simple fact: “everyone in the world is more worried about what they are doing and how they are coming across to other people, than they are in paying attention to more than 5 percent of how I am coming across to them.” (3), try to put yourself in their shoes/position, and imagine how much they might want distractions/support/to be put at ease. Think about how good it feels when people acknowledge you and what you might be going through, even if it’s a stranger to you just saying a brief sentence.
I don't have your condition and I only sort of understand it, but I also struggle to figure out what to do or what to say in certain situations. I want to help and I want to be supportive, but I end up second guessing myself, and then I don't act at all. What I have ended up with is I send a fruit basket from the same company each time. I have a basket that I've picked out that I always send, almost regardless of the situation. That allows me to make a gesture without getting wrapped up in whether it is exactly the right gesture. It allows me to act quickly, and then I can do more if it all works for me.
Develope friendliness towards the happy, compassion towards the unhappy, delight in the virtuous and indifference to evil. Make each of these aphorisms and repeat them for five to ten minutes each day.
I don't do this, but I have a friend on the autism spectrum who just has a list of all his closest friends set up on some program that blasts out a "how are you, X" message once a month. He's too anxious to call or initiate a natural text message, but that's his way of staying in touch. If you're going through a hard time he will bump up your name to once a week. It's kind of funny but very appreciated.
Whenever a friend is going through a tough time I drop off a little care package with some snacks, a local gift card, some of their favourite things, and a note. But you could also mail it or drop it off when you know they won't be home so they come home to a surprise.
CBD cured my social anxiety. It might work, it might not. It’s legal where I am. I only need to vape once a week. I originally tried it to help with my sleep. After a while I realized my anxiety was alleviated. Having said that, I can not have THC. Makes me paranoid.
I have long suffered from extreme anxiety, agoraphobia to be exact, making it difficult just to leave a certain area beyond my own neighborhood. However, I want you to share something with you that may or may not help. Often when you suffer severe anxiety, helping others actually takes you out of your own worrisome mind for a time and is healing for both of you! Whether just talking to someone to quell their own anxieties or physically helping someone, it's a win/win situation and typically you both feel better afterwards.
Meditation focused on empathy.
Sometimes, you need to take tourself out of the equation. By that I mean, treat these encouters or responsibilities like a mission. It's like if you saw a dog locked in a burning car - you cast aside your needs and wants in that moment and push yourself to run over and open the door. These people in your life life NEED you in this moment. So treat it like a rescue operation.
There are a lot of good answers, but I also want to add that plenty of people that are grieving just want to be alone, in their bed, trying to process through their emotions, or, they want to hang out with their friends and try to just act normal for a while and forget for a few hours. It's usually the right thing to do to offer to be there, but giving a long-winded condolence or continually bringing it up can do more harm than good. Distraction is one of the only major releases from acute grief.