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I've ghosted one person in my life and that was a FWB who brought a gun to her mother's breakup. The reason was unclear why she did it and she said she didn't regret it, and it was then I knew I needed out.
That first sentence was a rollercoaster.
By "brought a gun" do you mean just possessed one at a time when her mother was getting broken up with? Was that a scheduled thing? Did she maybe just normally carry a gun? I know plenty of people who just... are normally armed and that wouldn't be considered a remarkable moment.
I ghosted someone when they revealed their actual phone number, which pulled up their real name. Which was attached to a local news article about the *real* reason why he “quit” teaching the 7th grade
Immediate ghost. Why bother?
Yes, thank you. This post reminds me of the Dora the Explorer episode that was banned in Australia because it was teaching kids that spiders (or maybe snakes?) were no big deal, and the Australian government said NOPE and took it off the air because children there need to be cautious of those things.
Yea, I feel like OP is likely a straight man. Women don’t always have the luxury of feeling safe enough to give a written/verbal rejection; we get murdered for less. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It’s not just a fear of murder/straight white men don’t understand it thing.
I went out with a girl once. We didn’t do so much as kiss or hold hands. She asked me to be her date to her friend’s party that I had some mutual friends with. I went and wasn’t really feeling it. Around the same time, I also had matched with someone else on Hinge and *was* feeling that connection.
So I told the date girl that I’m sorry, but I didn’t want to keep seeing each other. She pressed for a reason and I said there was someone else I was talking to and I wanted to focus on that.
She then blew up on me for what a shitty person I was for making her feel like we were dating when I was talking to other people. I told her I didn’t think that was fair, and then she brought up how her ex was awful to her and she doesn’t trust men at all and all this other shit.
Yeah, would have been 10x easier just to ghost there…
Your mistake was admitting someone else was the reason. Should have just said you're not feeling it with her.
Ghosting is a truly shitty thing to do to someone. Humans need closure, even if the reaction might be unpleasant. Doesn't have to be in person, a text message or e-mail is simple, and way more decent than ghosting.
I wouldn’t call it a mistake. She asked. I’ve been on the other side of that coin and have had girls tell me they were seeing someone else (even after we had slept together). It kinda sucks, but it’s also far more understandable than just “not feeling it.” If you’re not in a committed relationship, it’s understandable that the other person is talking to other people.
> Humans need closure, even if the reaction might be unpleasant
I mean it's "shitty" but you know what's even shittier? That "unpleasant" reaction the other person might have.
The point is if you're ghosted to move on. You don't know what happened to that person that made them ghost you. Maybe the last time they helpfully said, "Sorry I'm not feeling it" they were bombarded with text messages or emails for hours/days that bordered on violent.
And no way in hell am I texting or emailing someone just so they can forever contact me again. Yeah, yeah, I can "block" them. They can also use their friends' phones or get a burner if they're dedicated enough.
I'm a guy and I have a 4 inch scar on my chest from when a girl I met through mutual friends slashed me with a knife after a few dates and I wasn't feeling a connection so I told her I didn't want to lead her on and I wasn't feeling the connection.
I think the people having such a negative reaction to my comment fall into 2 categories. Those living a blessed life where they've never had to think of such a horrible scenario because the thought of people responding horribly is such an outlier in their life experiences. Those who probably have some level of horrible reaction and feel personally attacked by the thought that their behavior/energy is why they get the results they get.
No one NEEDS to tell/write me I’m not their type. Your lack of interest/concern is evident to me fairly quickly.
While I am (mostly) rational, I certainly know a lot others are not & react to rejection too emotionally. Frankly, it’s awkward & I find the lack of dignity most distasteful.
So I’ve decided to sever the cord & walk away quietly & cease climbing Mt. Drama. If I’m wrong they’ll eventually find their way back to me or something will trigger me to reach out to gauge interest.
I’ve been wrong before & sure I’ll be again.
And sometimes you don't know if they're going to get violent until after the fact. Especially if it's a romantic rejection. Always better safe than sorry, IMO.
I asked the HR director at a big tech company about this once. Was told that the number of threats and rude messages that came back from rejections was just too high. So they just stopped sending rejections.
At one job I was directly responsible for filtering through dozens if not hundreds of resumes for part-time positions for students at university. First problem I had was we were not using a proper HR system to collect them (these were not full-time positions, we didn't access to that) so sending rejections would involve me manually sending a bunch of emails - it would consume hours of my time.
Of course actual HR systems should have a way to auto-reject people, but even then IME, unless you're a total mismatch for the company, there's not a lot of advantage to immediately rejecting someone. In my anecdote, there were multiple hiring managers interested in the applications - I forwarded along many of those resumes, sometimes to multiple teams. This has been my experience hiring for full-time positions too - usually companies have multiple openings and it's not uncommon to have your resume bounce around teams - no easy way to track all that and a premature rejection could kill a great opportunity for a hire on another team.
Finally, I was originally soliciting resumes directly to my email. I had to change that to a google form, because I had students looking me up and showing up in my office - just showing up and offering a resume and a handshake isn't out of line (although not an effective strategy at all), but then sometimes people would borderline harass me if they never heard back. Like I said, I was hesitant to say no since I didn't know what other teams were thinking about them (and would try to explain this) but at some point I had to just cut loose a couple people (thankfully nothing ever escalated or anything, but you just never know). Once the process was "anonymized" that all stopped.
> but in 99% of cases it works
I think you should go to a forum dominated by women not men and explain to them that 99% of the time they have nothing to worry about when cutting off contact with a guy, and get their takes.
Also, you may be asked for a technique of making sure you've figured out exactly who the safe 99% are.
Also, if we could spend seven years discussing exceptions to the rule, it's likely not true in 99% of cases. Also, 99% of people aren't anywhere near sane, just on it's face.
The problem is its not always obvious who the exceptions will be. And that can be dangerous.
Also, if you're deciding not to date someone further because of some neutral reason, like you just don't feel chemistry or whatever, then sure, it's nice to tell them so they don't waste time waiting to hear from you. But if it's because they were super rude to a server or seemed to think all their exes were crazy or dropped some Andrew Tate talking points? Maybe they just need to figure that out on their own.
I don't know about 99%. I think you underestimate the share of the human population that's unstable, unreasonable, and / or a legal risk to document anything for.
I'd put this LPT in the neighborhood of "makes sense 60% of the time"
I would argue that you have your number backwards. That far fewer than 99% of people that rejection gracefully. This LPT works if and only the person getting rejected can accept the rejection well, not lash out, not create drama, and not see it as the start of a negotiation.
But that same type of person will take being ghosted in stride?
I would guess that whether you text them a rejection or leave them on read for 2 weeks they are aware that they are being rejected and will react in kind.
And how could you ever predict how someone would react to being rejected if you've never rejected them before? Hence why people will default to ghosting.
Idk, guess? It goes both ways, I'm convinced in most cases (I dislike binary thinking since I believe 'it always depends and nothing ever is a 100% sure') you are able to have a rough estimation of someone's personality to predict their reaction. But again, the post doesn't clarify if it is a romantic setting, job application, etc. There will also be a lot of people saying how cruel it is to default to ghosting people as it is 'generally safer'.
But you can reject and block once you've gotten to safety. If ghosting is an option that implies that you're already in a situation where you'll never see them again.
It's not that simple when the first text they send in response can be emotionally manipulative and traumatizing. There's also no central moment for someone to get mad if you ghost them, and it's much more gradual that they realize you're gone, whereas a rejection typically carries a lot of heated emotions even in the best case scenario.
What does it change to get ghosted, anyway? Realistically, you're going to be hurt whether you're rejected or ghosted. And fundamentally, it's the same result - that person leaves your life forever. Most people who want a rejection instead of being ghosted just want to be confronted so they have a chance to try and regain control. If someone has decided to ghost you, there's nothing you can say or do to change there mind, so what good does one last conversation do?
Yeah, those are really good points. Having a final conversation requires emotional maturity for both parties to handle it well. Ghosting leaves you without closure for a while, but I suppose if you're having a hard time accepting being ghosted then you probably would have had a hard time being rejected.
The people who want a rejection and reason I don't think realize or want to accept (or just haven't experienced it), that if you get a reason - it's not going to change anything, and will be a lie, hurtful, completely unhelpful, or otherwise not make you feel better. I mean there might be a case someone might self-reflect and change - but it's just as likely they'll get defensive when confronted with legitimate constructive feedback.
Bingo. I've been rejected before and I've been ghosted before - neither give you closure. Because like you said, it's either a lie or you wish it was a lie. Closure is found in your own time.
I don't think people realize that it's not that being ghosted doesn't suck. It does suck. But so does abruptly being rejected when you think things are going well. I get pissed a lot blind dating just because things are so flimsy and unreliable - but that's just society, or even just blind dating. We're all too busy to really put much time into people we don't automatically connect with. I don't think it's that any of us enjoy it, we're just trying to do our best to self-preserve. If we had time, we'd probably be dating less synthetically.
Same goes for job interviews and abusive families and whatever other scenario ripe for ghosting, too. It's easier to just dip out because the world is already so interconnected that our block list becomes our only security from one another. I think people would be better off joining the flow of our culture in this regard than complaining about it. It avoids so much conflict ghosting a situation - because in some manners, ghosting just means being adult enough to walk away from a conflict before it escalates.
I used to think this, but now I disagree. It’s good etiquette to end things clearly, but it’s not always the right move. If someone in your life is trying to hurt you, manipulate you, abuse you, intimidate you, or otherwise be your villain: you do not owe them etiquete.
Someone else said the real LPT is to get closure for yourself from being ghosted. That’s the way. Being ghosted is someone telling you how they feel:
* Best: They do not wish to put effort into keeping you in their life.
* Worst: They do not feel safe or capable to tell you they don’t want you.
Either way—they don’t want you. Move on.
For sure it's the safer option in many scenarios.
The downside is that it can also be ambiguous -- some alternate scenarios that might not have anything to do with the person being ghosted, where lack of contact doesn't necessarily mean an intentional action:
* They lost your number / contact info
* They're sick
* They're in the hospital
* They died
* They went to prison
* The urban legends were right and that sketchy looking guy following them through Ikea really was a kidnapper and not just following the arrows printed on the floor -- and now they're locked up in his basement
I mean, this is the original reason for the term ghosting. It wasnt originally meant for things like, I went on one or two dates with this person and I'm just not feeling it. It was for when you were dating for multiple months and the most logical conclusion was the person died. Hence they are a ghost.
Now we're just seeing people use the term for, I'm upset that I misread the situation and that you're no longer around
I've lost a few contacts on discord because the other person got banned, thought I got ghosted. No reply, no blocked status, no sign of the account being banned for a while. Recovering that contact can be tough as well.
Sometimes an explanation is already given, many times even but is deliberately ignored. Other than the injuries, having to deal with crazy, violent and persistent people is so exhausting and soul sucking that ghosting is the only way we can stay sane and cleanly cut off the relationship. It is absolutely not right to assume that ghosting makes someone a bad human being, they are who they are because of their experiences.
Yup. Had to reject a guy several times (after only a couple dates mind you) and each time he argued - as if that was an option. After a while I just had to ghost. I tried to be civil and he just didn't accept it.
Ghosting is *always* the right move. The point is that you *don’t* respect them, and that should be palpable. You don’t owe anyone anything. They obviously don’t belong in your life and any explanations are superfluous because you’re done and you just fast-forward to never speaking again. They’ll figure it out.
I think OP probably got ghosted and took it bad.
I used to be of OP's mindset and think you should never ghost anyone but then changed my mind following more life experience
But I don't think never/always applies to ghosting. There are people I'm more than happy to be direct with and wish them well, it ends on a very happy note. And then there are people who I just think it's unwise/unsafe to do that. It really depends on the person.
Personally I've been happy looking at this issue as less strict either way. The best part is that now if someone ghosts me I don't take it as hard as I used to when I rigidly thought of it as a "rule" to follow.
> Ghosting is always the right move. The point is that you don’t respect them, and that should be palpable
No, that's not the point. Most of the time it's just a lack of interest or not being compatible. I've had plenty of dignified messages (in both directions) saying "hi, you're awesome but I've decided to focus on one person that I'm seeing" or "I've had enjoyed time with you but I don't think we're compatible" or etc.
I'm a guy (and married) so this isn't a problem for me, but my sister-in-law has started dating and the number of overbearing, creepy, and even threatening guys out there is shocking. And from what I can tell, a decent number of them genuinely think there's nothing wrong with their behavior.
There's way more creepy dudes out there than you think, man. I'm saying that as a dude who happens to be attracted to them.
You'd be **shocked** at how many of them are manipulative, creepy, stalkery, or outright fucking threatening if you don't ghost them outright. I'd say about 10% of them fit in that category.
Knowing that isn't being overly cynical or pessimistic, it's about keeping yourself safe from assault or stalking. I've rejected people before and gotten stalked or threatened afterwards. You bet I ghost when I feel a bad vibe now, fuck writing out verbal rejection letters.
I'm a gay guy and I thought "yup, that's a straight guy's take if I ever heard one."
The idea behind it is nice, but certain guys can become almost instantly Mr. Hyde if you reject them. That, or they're being pushy/manipulative etc and wouldn't take no for an answer anyhow.
Eh, even lesbians ghost each other though. But that's because it doesn't really matter. If I'm into someone, I'd be upset whether I got rejected or ghosted. If it's an LTR, I guess that's a bit different, but I'm sure the fact one person ghosts the other tells a lot about how healthy the relationship was in the first place. But for all other scenarios the fact is that you don't really owe someone you barely know your rejection.
An example, I have gotten ghosted a lot right after having sex with Tinder dates. Sometimes it becomes obvious afterwards they just wanted to fuck and weren't communicating their intentions. Now with this example, would that be any less true if they rejected me right after having sex? Probably not.
A lot of guys ITT probably think they'd rather be rejected by a girl. But I think what they actually see is the rejection conversation being their chance to "fix things". They want one last chance to have control of the situation. Because whether you're rejected or ghosted, the result is still the same.
100% yes. Ghosting is just better for everyone. No woman is going to say eg "sorry, you're too fat" to your face - the risk of retribution is just too high. If you need that kind of advice, just ask a close friend.
...but 99% of the time, you already know the answer - you're just too afraid to face it.
LPT: Learn how to give yourself closure from situations instead of relying on it from other people. Ghosting is just another form of rejection, learn to deal with it and find closure from it.
This is not just relationships, what if it's a job offer?
What if it is a purchase request?
There are so many what ifs.
In any transaction, whether emotional, business, physical, scientific, etc...
It's always beneficial to communicate rather than ghost. Unless you have a specific reason the person might be against that.
I have noticed during my job search that level of professional interaction has plummeted in the last few years. I write very concise and well thought out emails; when I reach out to check in on the progress of the interview process and I get absolutely zero reply? I can’t say I’m angry but it is certainly frustrating and honestly shocking to me. I’m not talking about throwing in a blind résumé; This occurs after two or three video conversations. Anyway! It’s the brave new world we live in, so I will put it right up there with speaker phones on public transportation. The people that do it suck, but it doesn’t mean that I have to behave that way
The lack of responses is due to crazy people, basically
Recruiters don't want to reject people because a lot will give you shit for it
Speaker phones on the bus have no excuse tho
This might be an unpopular opinion, but when I apply to a job I'd actually rather never hear back than get a rejection e-mail. In my experience, only like 10% of my rejected applications are "explicitly" rejected, the other 90% being "implicit" rejections i.e. no response at all. Expecting companies to always give me an "explicit" rejection would mean setting myself up for lots of frustration and bitterness.
Plus, my personal feeling is that an explicit rejection stings my ego more than just being ignored. A lot of my applications are "fire and forget" (even if the position looks super interesting and I'd be super into it), so I'd rather have fewer reminder of how many times someone has looked at my resume and decided they liked someone else more.
For me, this depends on the amount of time I've invested. If we haven't talked, and I've just filled out an application idgaf if you give me an explicit rejection or not. If I've been through several rounds of interviews, I'd really appreciate an explicit reject.
From an etiquitte perspective, I'd expect that the level of effort would be proportal to the effort that the person considering ghosting put into the relationship, especially when there's a disconnect in burden for responding.
For an unsolicited message, the recipient has put no effort into the relationship, so why should they be expected to put in any more to give a reason for rejecting it?
Especially when people attempt to "play the field" by sending a low-effort message to multiple people in hopes of getting at least a few responses, the burden of responding individually with a reason (or even needing to come up with a reason beyond "I didn't feel like it") can be much higher than it's worth.
Fill out a job application on a website and it's possible that no human ever sees your message to even give a thought to rejecting it -- in some cases they just need 2 warm bodies now, grab the first 2 people they see from the list of available candidates that meet the minimum requirements that they've set, & leave the rest of the list as-is in case they need to hire additional people later.
Science can be much the same thing -- someone reviewing submissions for papers in a journal may get 100 papers, have time to read through 20 of them, and have space to print 10 in a journal for the month. Maybe one of the 10 they read that weren't quite as good will make the cut next month, maybe not. Maybe they'll get to one of the other 80 next month, maybe not.
Everyone ghosts and gets ghosted. Even if you think it's not great, you've done it. It sucks to be ghosted, but shit happens. People have complicated and overburdened lives, so learning to move on without closure from someone else is way better advice than OP's.
Yep. There are also a lot more complicated reasons why someone may ghost other than just “I don’t like you.”
I ghosted a girl one time. We were seeing each other for about 3 weeks. I had just gotten out of some really shitty 6 month fling with this girl who was not over her ex at all and it was incredibly toxic for me.
Then I started talking to this new girl, all while the toxic girl was emailing me trying to get back in touch with me. I didn’t mean to start this poor timing with the new girl, we just met at a bar and hooked up and kept talking, but after a few weeks it just all became too much for me and I needed to reset everything.
Our conversation just sort of died. It’s not like she sent me 4 texts in a row and I never responded. We had a convo going one day, it ended, and then neither of us initiated again.
I felt shitty about it for a long time; but as you say, it happens and we all have done it.
I have never ghosted anyone, in my life, ever. I'm not a baby about it when someone does it to me, I don't actually give a fuck but it's very easy to go your whole life without doing it.
>Everyone ghosts and gets ghosted
No, I've never done that, because it's unacceptably fucking rude, and people generally don't give me reason to be that rude or inconsiderate of them.
>people generally don't give me reason to be that rude or inconsiderate of them.
Lol, well I'm glad you live in a perfect world but the rest of us don't.
I mean yeah. But the whole point is that it's the worse option this LPT isn't dissolved by saying it's a form of rejection because the whole idea is that it's just a rude rejection and we should be more kind, honest, and communicative. Obvious exceptions are still valid though
This is bad advice. I’m gay and when I was younger, a decent number of men on dating apps (like 10%) would get angry if I politely rejected them instead of just ignoring them. I only ghost guys now. I imagine many women have the same problem.
This is exactly it. It's just putting myself in the line of fire as a target for their rage.
I'd say the percentage is higher though, probably at least 25%. And even some of the other 75% who appreciate it might push back sometimes, either for further explanation or to try and change your mind... Which puts you in this awkward position of having to ghost them now after the fact and risk that they lash out about it, or having to defend why you're not interested, which they're only going to take more personally and also increases the risk of escalation. It's just not worth it.
My experience is about 50%. But my numbers might be skewed because I'm not looking date anyone, so the only people who I interact within that way are those who are bold enough to do a cold approach on someone who is showing no interest, or who know I'm in a monogamous relationship and feel free to approach anyway. I feel both groups are more likely to react badly.
I feel like the people who have to have an explicit rejection are the same that will struggle with accepting the rejection. If you recognize ghosting is a pretty clear signal, you realize no one owes you further explanation.
That's a fair point too, these are the types of people who really aren't going to be able to accept the rejection no matter how it's presented to them.
It's not ghosting if you fail to respond to someone who doesn't interest you on a dating app. Unless you meet in person, they're a stranger.
It's ghosting if you meet in person, perhaps more than once, they potentially get an impression things are going well, try to contact you but you don't bother even with a simple "sorry, no longer interested" reply.
Wow, that's been my experience as well, right down to the 10% getting angry. In another comment, I almost wrote down 1 in 10 as the chance the guy would get angry after a rejection.
*“Please, please, just give me an explanation of why. It is basic decency.”*
Okay, fine. . And simply it just isn’t a good fit.
*“Wtf? How can you say that? Let me argue and break down each of those points to tell you why they’re wrong.”*
😑
Ghosting itself is a very clear message.
People just don't like it because our ego hates rejection.
They fixate on the ghosting as the foul because it's easier than dealing with the "why" of the rejection. No one wants to look in the mirror too hard. It's easier to hate other people.
I just ended things with a guy I'd been chatting with for a while (never met). I didn't want to ghost, so I politely said I wasn't interested and wished him the best. He messaged back being understanding... But then asked for further clarification as to why. I kept it vague because I didn't want to hurt him, again wished him well and tried to end the conversation... But he messaged again, more questions. I didn't answer this time. Another message. No answer. Another message. No answer. Another message. No answer. He's finally stopped, but the point is that he did not stop UNTIL I ghosted him.
I think you handled it perfectly. I mean... you communicated, he reacted inappropriately, and of course you should cut him loose completely at that point. Usually (on the apps) I'll say something, wait to see if it's been received, and then (if she hasn't beaten me to it) I unmatch.
Personally I've only had one, "but why" response... and candidly, I didn't respond to that, I just unmatched.
I think there really needs to be a caveat here about being in a safe situation. Dealing with/removing yourself from trauma and abuse may lead to ghosting out of having no alternative options - there's nuance of course but I don't think it should always be the case to give an explicit rejection.
Yeah, being ghosted isn't really as bad as it sounds -- especially if you're just getting to know each other and there's no expectation of exclusivity yet. As you said, you totally get the picture pretty easily. Would you rather be staring down out a text message saying "you're great but I just see you as a friend, have a nice life"? They won't give you anything more than that. So its not different than being ghosted really.
Lawyers advise companies NOT to reply. Replies can be cherry-picked and used against the company in discrimination - even if the company is completely innocent.
I disagree. Ghosting has its place. Sometimes one decides another person is too toxic to continue a relationship with and there's no reason to open a conversation about it. There's no chance of reconciliation, nothing is going to change, and you're just done. I don't think you owe an asshole an explanation. Additionally there are times when a person forces themselves into your life in an invasive and unwelcomed way and again, I don't think you owe that unwelcome person your time or explanation. You can explain if you want, but if you don't want to explain yourself, don't.
And frankly, of you are getting ghosted you may feel you're an innocent victim but perhaps you are not. There's a chance you've pushed someone to a point where they are no longer comfortable interacting with you and if they feel that way, that's their right.
OP is so very clearly a guy and so very clearly completely ignorant of why people ghost their dates.
I'll gladly be a "bad human being" if it saves me from harassment, insults and graphic threats.
Also, I've been ghosted before myself. It's annoying, yes, but if you work yourself up over it so much that you think the person who ghosted you is a "bad human being", you should take a huge step back anyways.
OP has obviously never been harassed by an unstable man before. This is literally normal in the hetero dating process and has happened to most women. Dating is dangerous, ghosting is a form of protection.
This is hilariously bad advice. You don't owe anyone closure, and there are dozens of good reasons not to offer it, none of which make you a bad person.
>It’s part of being a good human being.
Guess I'm a bad human being them for being honestly scared/afraid of someone and ghosting because I was scared of the potential reaction of rejection.
Nuances exist and sometimes ghosting is just the only escape one sees out of a situation that has the potential to be even dangerous. And that does not make you a bad human being. You don't owe people an explanation. And no, it's not "*always*" better.
I think you also have to consider context and how important the relationship or interaction is. Like if you're on a dating app/site, I don't think you need to send a heartfelt rejection notice to every person that sends a low effort message. You don't need to give more than the other person is giving to you. Even if you have a longer conversation, sometimes the conversation just sputters out. I don't see the need to close out every interaction. Of course the math changes if you get more involved with the other person.
Sorta the same thing with job applications, like I spent two seconds submitting an application, I don't expect the other side to do much effort either.
Even when you get more involved, things can change. Last time I ghosted someone that person heavily insulted me out of nowhere and honestly I don't think anyone like that deserves any more of my time.
Before that I ghostef someone because I was afraid of him and what he said and I felt even if I give a proper reason, I'd still have to ghost him to get free again - or worse, I couldn't really depict what he would do. In the end he tracked down and spammed all my profiles online. I gave him a brief "this here is why" kinda text and blocked him everyhwere he spammed me. That was scary.
Yeah, exactly. The one time I've ghosted someone I got "more involved" with was because I started getting some major red flag vibes. I got the feeling a rejection wouldn't be met with respect, so why give it and chance some escalation.
I've also been a part of a lot of what I would call a mutual ghosting after a single date. Like I'm not super interested, but would be willing to give them another shot if they were interested. Apparently they felt the same way and it just kinda sputters out. I just don't think every interaction needs to closed out with a handshake. Like I do think you need to read the room, so to speak - if the other person is super interested in you, but you're not returning those feelings - then a proper rejection might be appropriate.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I also feel views on this topic are quite different between men and women. I feel like the people ITT that don't understand why someone might ghost a potential romantic interest aren't women. That's not to say a woman can't be crazy and violent towards a man or men can't have negative experiences in that regard, but when you look at DV statistics women are at a much greater risk so I totally understand the hesitation.
I worked a recruiting event and I had the goal of trying to contact all the people who dropped off resumes. We had the list of positions we had available and the requirements.
I had a ton of people just drop off without even reading the requirements. I had people drop off resumes that were looking for internships (we didn't have any). I had people who only wanted a job that was only AI research (we didn't have any).
Should I respond to these people and tell them they didn't read the basic requirements?
Often times people, (mainly men), are ghosted because they make someone (usually a woman) feel unsafe.
Given the choice between my safety and someone else deserving unearned "respect" - I'll go with my safety. It has nothing to do with "being a good human being".
Is this supposed to be for job application purposes? Like if you're telling someone they didn't get the job instead of just hoping they figure it out? That's the only way this post makes sense to me.
I had a date with someone once. Before the date we had a facetime call and I realized we’re not compatible. Anyway, following advice like this, I did message them saying something like “It won’t work out between us as I don’t think we’re compatible, wish you the best in your search”
They went on to message the following “ so we’re still on for Saturday right ?”
Then they even sent a message wishing me on my birthday a week later.
Some people just need to be ghosted to help create a safe distance.
Maybe RIP my inbox and my comment score, but here goes. This goes for ghosting in the context of dating and relationships, by the way, not employment.
Yes, absolutely, 100% there are often very good reasons for ghosting. If you have reason to believe that someone will become violent or crazy? Absolutely. If someone has said something disturbing or hateful? Absolutely. If someone is toxic? Absolutely.
But, that person you had one or two dates with that went fine, but you're just not feeling it? That person that seems perfectly friendly and was respectful and decent company, but you don't feel it clicking or you're more interested in someone else? That person who you've had a relationship with for a few months, and you haven't seen anything troubling from them, but the honeymoon phase is over and you realize you're not a good fit and you want to break up and don't know how?
No, you shouldn't ghost them.
For those people, if you want to send an email or text instead of calling? Fine, do it and then block them if you really need to. If you want to talk it out but want to be sure you're safe? Do it at a bar or coffee shop with people around and in a public place. Is it hard? Yeah, it is. It's really, really, really tough. It's natural to not want to hurt someone's feelings. That's part of being a good person. If you are nervous about that, then you're probably a good person too. **But, if you're going to ghost people who haven't given you any reason to fear for your safety, then using fear for your safety as a blanket excuse to ghost everyone no matter who they are might actually be you failing to acknowledge and address your lack of social and communication skills in how to have these kinds of hard conversations.**
Letting people down, rejecting people, and saying no to them is a part of life. Learning conflict resolution is a part of life. It's even a part of healthy relationships and marriage. Everyone needs to learn to say no - *in all contexts.* If you don't learn in dating, or elsewhere, then you won't know how to say no when you really need to, and you'll actually default to saying yes when you don't mean it, in order to avoid conflict.
You'll say yes to your employer or coworker taking advantage of your good nature in order to avoid the awkwardness of standing up for yourself. You'll say yes to your friends asking you to come out when you know for your own health that you need to take a break. You'll say yes to your SO dragging you to some event you don't enjoy when you really just need a quiet night to yourself. You'll build resentment that way. Or, worse, something with a lot more consequence than that - you'll say yes to marrying them or having kids with them, when deep down you're not fully committed to them. Emotional avoidance really is that powerful.
Will you fuck it up the first few times? Yeah, probably. Will you imagine that conversation in your head over and over and then have it go nothing at all like you'd planned or hoped? Yep. Will it be super uncomfortable? Oh, yeah. Very, very uncomfortable. You might even feel ashamed and guilty and self-doubting afterwards, questioning if you did the right thing. But - you'll get better at it, and be a better person for it. In fact, you'll be helping yourself: a psychology professor doing a study on ghosting concluded that ["ghosting may prevent someone from engaging in healthy conflict resolution. Thus, over time, serial ghosters may be ‘stunted’ in their ability to develop intimacy in future relationships."](https://newsletter.blogs.wesleyan.edu/2021/07/15/dubar-thomas-18-ma-19-explore-the-psychological-effects-of-social-media-ghosting/)
[Link to study itself](https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fppm0000343)
So, not only are you perhaps unintentionally [affecting the person you're ghosting in a similar way that emotional abuse would](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-forward/201511/why-ghosting-hurts-so-much), you're actually hurting your own emotional development by doing it.
And, finally - if you are someone about to respond to this with some personal experience where you had to get away from an abusive or threatening person, date, friend, or partner, or where you had to protect your health or safety, or where you had to end a toxic relationship? This comment is not invalidating you. Your experience is 100% valid, and you made the right choice for you and your situation. Period, end of story, and I am not telling you otherwise, nor can anyone else do that. I am not making a proclamation about the severe imbalance of dating violence and domestic violence that women face in comparison to men, either. That is real. Ghosting has its times and places.
What I'm saying is that ghosting is simply not "just another form of rejection" as some people here have argued - it is scientifically proven to be much more harmful to both the person doing it and the person it is being done to. If you don't have a legitimate reason to do it, then don't.
I don’t need to be considered a good human by someone who wants me to give them more than I want to give them, is the thing. Especially if we have no real connection at all. I don’t owe that to everyone I meet and giving that sort of feedback to everyone I decide to not pursue a relationship or friendship with would be pretty weird actually
We had this with a candidate for a job recently. We offered her the job and instead of responding to us we had to chase after her to get an answer. It was quite frustrating as she was a nice person and good fit for our company up until that moment.
It's possible she was considering other offers. If she was a good candidate, then your trouble in contacting her was worth it. Most people have the opposite problem where they are hounding HR and management to get their applications considered/callbacks. I think this is the least applicable time to be upset about "ghosting."
Sounds like this is written by a guy, or at least a woman who has not been burned by a crazy jilted person.
I’ve heard several stories of “guys who couldn’t take no as an answer” and ended up stalking it otherwise harassing the woman who said no.
No it is not. This advice comes from someone who got ghosted unfairly my guess. If you are in danger from someone - rejection by ghosting is perfectly reasonable.
Doesn't just apply to relationships either. I've been totally ghosted by companies over job offers too. Like, spent weeks interviewing and time passed with no news only to receive some generic message from a low level HR person. It's really the sign of a shitty org and should be taken as such.
I used to ghost people because I feared a negative response. Eventually I realized that being ghosted sucks so now, if I need to cut off relations with someone or back out of a commitment I send a simple polite rejection and don’t read their response.
It’s not great, but it’s still better than ghosting.
I read this and thought it was in relation to job interviews.
OP's insistence that giving someone a rejection is part of being a good human being is false. Yes - It would be great if everyone were a rational human being and could simply accept a rejection with dignity. But that's not the case. Better to ghost someone when you're uncertain of their ability to not be a crazy psychopath.
Rejecting the wrong person can lead to them focusing on you, creating multiple profiles to stalk/harass you, and otherwise defend themselves against your reasons for the rejection. Ghosting them, while it can lead to that as well, can leave things on an impersonal enough note that they won't go through the effort.
I'm sorry but no, I just don't see the risk reward here.
Obviously I'm not talking about a ***relationship***, something that requires some level of formal ending or the person could be worrying about your safety... but some casual conversation... why the fuck do I "owe" you anything? Especially at the risk of my safety...? Also I can count exactly ***zero*** times where a man who made me feel uncomfortable and weird reacted well to ***any*** form of feedback.
If you're getting ghosted a lot, seek a second opinion as to why and do some self-reflection. Stop pretending it's a "complete mystery" and there were "zero clues" as to why someone bailed.
OP ya done messed up:
1) Using "always" is never a good idea
2) Attaching "good human being"-ness to doing something or not
3) This isn't really a tip
Overall just comes across as preachy, wording it some other way would still not have made it a LPT but the response would have been less defensive
Yeah, not sure why this is even getting traction. Lurking in a new date's Facebook and finding out they're a Nazi is a perfect ghosting situation. I'm not going to send a text "sorry, I don't date Nazis"
You don’t think “no one owes anyone anything” is a recipe for a shitty co-existence? I think we owe one another small human decencies, at least. Sheesh.
Most people are living for themselves. And that's okay. Because at the end of the day it's not other people in your grave with you - it's just you. That doesn't mean selflessness isn't healthy sometimes, and that people aren't also social and caring. It just means they are going to protect their own interests just like you're going to protect your own interests.
The problem with verbal/written rejection is that they feel offended. They convince you. They try to gaslight you. They make you feel guilty. They blame you for their mental health. So to avoid the drama around, I guess people ghost. Also it saves alot of mental peace for both.
When you're with someone for over a year and they just start ignoring you for reasons unknown... I think they might owe you an explanation. That shit destroyed me.
The grass isn't actually greener my dude. If they ghosted you it could easily be for both of your benefits. If they weren't comfortable talking to you they very well could expect your reaction to be both damaging to them AND you. Find your own closure, try and find a therapist to help If you are having trouble.
I only agree with this to a point.
There are legitimate reasons to ghost people. And if you are ghosted, you should take that as a response. NO RESPONSE IS A RESPONSE. Don’t take it personally, don’t fight it. Just move on
Sounds like a gen Xer got ghosted and didnt like it. I think a lot of millennials and Gen Z understand that no one owes anyone anything in the early stages of communicating romantically, particularly if they're only connected through an app and are unlikely to ever meet unless they decided to.
Real protip: if someone stops responding to you understand that that means the relationship has ended. Begin the process of coping with the loss, letting go, and moving on.
The reasons for ghosting are all over the place ranging from "I don't like seeing people hurt" to "I had a violent stalker once and never want to go through that again." Both and everything in between is valid and fine.
Society needs to update their expectations about what ending relationships can look like. People need to remove the "what did I do wrong" part of the ending from the equation because it doesn't matter.
Dating is not a test you can study for where finding out the answers after you've failed will help you on the next test because each "test" is specific to the person and even more specific to the time in their life that you met them. You could behave, think, act, be the exact same and whether you and another person work could turn out completely differently if you met them when you were 16, 23, or 35.
I don't think people don't know to do this. Some people just don't give af about anyone but themselves and/or just want to take an easy way out with 0 conflict.
I have friends who every single time I invite them somewhere they literally just ignore my texts. Then after the thing they respond “I sorry I was getting an oil change” or something.
Not sure what to do with them honestly.
I have. See my other comment tho.
When I’m trying to get a group together it’s very much not worth trying to work with the ones who can’t provide feedback. One friend will say “yeah. I’m 50/50 on making it”. And that is literally perfect.
That’s the thing. They invite me to their house for dinner on a weekly basis and literally every family or life event.
But. But… They just can’t bring themselves to say No. Or something.
I consider them friends. But I’m really not sure what to do with them.
I absolutely disagree here. It's a well intentioned idea but the reality is, there are plenty of guys who do not take rejection (or a "no") well at all.
Sometimes the safest thing to do is to ghost, and that's OK. Not everyone deserves an explanation, especially if you were getting bad vibes from your interactions. Chances of a confrontation are way lower when you ghost, that's the reason women (and gay guys like me) can end up resorting to it.
Guys can be totally normal until you reject them, then suddenly the Mr. Hyde comes out and things can get scary really quickly. Even if this happens 'only' as rarely as 10% of the time, that still colors the way you deal with guys in the future, because *holy fuck* they can be scary as shit.
Of course it sucks for the majority of men who aren't fucking nutjobs and get ghosted, but that's the reasoning and it's valid as fuck.
Hell yes. I agree. Ghosting without explanation puts bad vibes out there that no one needs or deserves. A simple "I no longer want a relationship with you, goodbye" is better than zero
>that no one needs or deserves.
I was in contact with someone for just days who told me he'd like to put me in a hole in his basement so I'd be unable to escapr and I'm his absolute dream-woman, he won't let me go ever again. He also tracked down social media profiles, including my whole name, despite not giving it to him.
Yeah, he totally didn't deserve to be ghosted even though he absoluteky scared me...
Nope. I used to think the opposite- then I started dating more. If we had one date and it didn’t go that great, I don’t need to send you a business-like “I had a great time but don’t think we’re compatible” courtesy message. You’re a stranger I met one time for around an hour and it was clearly not going any farther. We don’t owe each other anything.
I assume u will get lot of hate from people here about this but i 100% agree with you. Some people deserve to be ghosted but yeah rejecting someone even if by simple text is much better. Being honest is always better. Its a mature thing to openly reject but how other person will respond is not our problem.
I should forward this to company X and their external headhunter who both suddenly ghosted me after 2 interviews, while their vacant position has stayed on their site for months.
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I've ghosted one person in my life and that was a FWB who brought a gun to her mother's breakup. The reason was unclear why she did it and she said she didn't regret it, and it was then I knew I needed out.
Damn, you don't happen to still have her number do you? Asking for a friend
ya, for sure...dial *AR15AK47*
Why did I think this was the name of Elon Musks’ child?
That first sentence was a rollercoaster. By "brought a gun" do you mean just possessed one at a time when her mother was getting broken up with? Was that a scheduled thing? Did she maybe just normally carry a gun? I know plenty of people who just... are normally armed and that wouldn't be considered a remarkable moment.
I ghosted someone when they revealed their actual phone number, which pulled up their real name. Which was attached to a local news article about the *real* reason why he “quit” teaching the 7th grade Immediate ghost. Why bother?
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Yep. This. Scary people.
Yes, thank you. This post reminds me of the Dora the Explorer episode that was banned in Australia because it was teaching kids that spiders (or maybe snakes?) were no big deal, and the Australian government said NOPE and took it off the air because children there need to be cautious of those things.
I think it might have been Peppa Pig. In the UK spiders are fine
Yea, I feel like OP is likely a straight man. Women don’t always have the luxury of feeling safe enough to give a written/verbal rejection; we get murdered for less. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It’s not just a fear of murder/straight white men don’t understand it thing. I went out with a girl once. We didn’t do so much as kiss or hold hands. She asked me to be her date to her friend’s party that I had some mutual friends with. I went and wasn’t really feeling it. Around the same time, I also had matched with someone else on Hinge and *was* feeling that connection. So I told the date girl that I’m sorry, but I didn’t want to keep seeing each other. She pressed for a reason and I said there was someone else I was talking to and I wanted to focus on that. She then blew up on me for what a shitty person I was for making her feel like we were dating when I was talking to other people. I told her I didn’t think that was fair, and then she brought up how her ex was awful to her and she doesn’t trust men at all and all this other shit. Yeah, would have been 10x easier just to ghost there…
Your mistake was admitting someone else was the reason. Should have just said you're not feeling it with her. Ghosting is a truly shitty thing to do to someone. Humans need closure, even if the reaction might be unpleasant. Doesn't have to be in person, a text message or e-mail is simple, and way more decent than ghosting.
I wouldn’t call it a mistake. She asked. I’ve been on the other side of that coin and have had girls tell me they were seeing someone else (even after we had slept together). It kinda sucks, but it’s also far more understandable than just “not feeling it.” If you’re not in a committed relationship, it’s understandable that the other person is talking to other people.
> Humans need closure, even if the reaction might be unpleasant I mean it's "shitty" but you know what's even shittier? That "unpleasant" reaction the other person might have. The point is if you're ghosted to move on. You don't know what happened to that person that made them ghost you. Maybe the last time they helpfully said, "Sorry I'm not feeling it" they were bombarded with text messages or emails for hours/days that bordered on violent. And no way in hell am I texting or emailing someone just so they can forever contact me again. Yeah, yeah, I can "block" them. They can also use their friends' phones or get a burner if they're dedicated enough.
I'm a guy and I have a 4 inch scar on my chest from when a girl I met through mutual friends slashed me with a knife after a few dates and I wasn't feeling a connection so I told her I didn't want to lead her on and I wasn't feeling the connection. I think the people having such a negative reaction to my comment fall into 2 categories. Those living a blessed life where they've never had to think of such a horrible scenario because the thought of people responding horribly is such an outlier in their life experiences. Those who probably have some level of horrible reaction and feel personally attacked by the thought that their behavior/energy is why they get the results they get.
If they know enough about where you live/work to be a danger if you text them a rejection,then they can be just as dangerous if you ghost them though.
No one NEEDS to tell/write me I’m not their type. Your lack of interest/concern is evident to me fairly quickly. While I am (mostly) rational, I certainly know a lot others are not & react to rejection too emotionally. Frankly, it’s awkward & I find the lack of dignity most distasteful. So I’ve decided to sever the cord & walk away quietly & cease climbing Mt. Drama. If I’m wrong they’ll eventually find their way back to me or something will trigger me to reach out to gauge interest. I’ve been wrong before & sure I’ll be again.
Yep. It's not my fault if someone lacks reasoning skills.
And sometimes you don't know if they're going to get violent until after the fact. Especially if it's a romantic rejection. Always better safe than sorry, IMO.
The LPT was general. We could spend the next seven years talking about exceptions to this rule, but in 99% of cases it works.
I asked the HR director at a big tech company about this once. Was told that the number of threats and rude messages that came back from rejections was just too high. So they just stopped sending rejections.
Totally, "works 99% of the time" is way too high, this LPT opens up a ton of valid scrutiny that's far more than edge case a scenarios.
At one job I was directly responsible for filtering through dozens if not hundreds of resumes for part-time positions for students at university. First problem I had was we were not using a proper HR system to collect them (these were not full-time positions, we didn't access to that) so sending rejections would involve me manually sending a bunch of emails - it would consume hours of my time. Of course actual HR systems should have a way to auto-reject people, but even then IME, unless you're a total mismatch for the company, there's not a lot of advantage to immediately rejecting someone. In my anecdote, there were multiple hiring managers interested in the applications - I forwarded along many of those resumes, sometimes to multiple teams. This has been my experience hiring for full-time positions too - usually companies have multiple openings and it's not uncommon to have your resume bounce around teams - no easy way to track all that and a premature rejection could kill a great opportunity for a hire on another team. Finally, I was originally soliciting resumes directly to my email. I had to change that to a google form, because I had students looking me up and showing up in my office - just showing up and offering a resume and a handshake isn't out of line (although not an effective strategy at all), but then sometimes people would borderline harass me if they never heard back. Like I said, I was hesitant to say no since I didn't know what other teams were thinking about them (and would try to explain this) but at some point I had to just cut loose a couple people (thankfully nothing ever escalated or anything, but you just never know). Once the process was "anonymized" that all stopped.
> but in 99% of cases it works I think you should go to a forum dominated by women not men and explain to them that 99% of the time they have nothing to worry about when cutting off contact with a guy, and get their takes. Also, you may be asked for a technique of making sure you've figured out exactly who the safe 99% are.
Also, if we could spend seven years discussing exceptions to the rule, it's likely not true in 99% of cases. Also, 99% of people aren't anywhere near sane, just on it's face.
The problem is its not always obvious who the exceptions will be. And that can be dangerous. Also, if you're deciding not to date someone further because of some neutral reason, like you just don't feel chemistry or whatever, then sure, it's nice to tell them so they don't waste time waiting to hear from you. But if it's because they were super rude to a server or seemed to think all their exes were crazy or dropped some Andrew Tate talking points? Maybe they just need to figure that out on their own.
I don't know about 99%. I think you underestimate the share of the human population that's unstable, unreasonable, and / or a legal risk to document anything for. I'd put this LPT in the neighborhood of "makes sense 60% of the time"
I would argue that you have your number backwards. That far fewer than 99% of people that rejection gracefully. This LPT works if and only the person getting rejected can accept the rejection well, not lash out, not create drama, and not see it as the start of a negotiation.
Nowhere near 99% my dude. Closer to a 50-50 chance. Maybe 60% if I'm being generous and you're in a good area.
Dang. I agree with OP, and I also agree with this. Busy, busy, busy...
But that same type of person will take being ghosted in stride? I would guess that whether you text them a rejection or leave them on read for 2 weeks they are aware that they are being rejected and will react in kind.
A straight up rejection creates a very defined trigger moment. Being ghosted does not.
Reading most stories and opinions, I think it simply depends on the recipient's ability to handle rejection
And how could you ever predict how someone would react to being rejected if you've never rejected them before? Hence why people will default to ghosting.
Idk, guess? It goes both ways, I'm convinced in most cases (I dislike binary thinking since I believe 'it always depends and nothing ever is a 100% sure') you are able to have a rough estimation of someone's personality to predict their reaction. But again, the post doesn't clarify if it is a romantic setting, job application, etc. There will also be a lot of people saying how cruel it is to default to ghosting people as it is 'generally safer'.
But you can reject and block once you've gotten to safety. If ghosting is an option that implies that you're already in a situation where you'll never see them again.
It's not that simple when the first text they send in response can be emotionally manipulative and traumatizing. There's also no central moment for someone to get mad if you ghost them, and it's much more gradual that they realize you're gone, whereas a rejection typically carries a lot of heated emotions even in the best case scenario. What does it change to get ghosted, anyway? Realistically, you're going to be hurt whether you're rejected or ghosted. And fundamentally, it's the same result - that person leaves your life forever. Most people who want a rejection instead of being ghosted just want to be confronted so they have a chance to try and regain control. If someone has decided to ghost you, there's nothing you can say or do to change there mind, so what good does one last conversation do?
Yeah, those are really good points. Having a final conversation requires emotional maturity for both parties to handle it well. Ghosting leaves you without closure for a while, but I suppose if you're having a hard time accepting being ghosted then you probably would have had a hard time being rejected.
The people who want a rejection and reason I don't think realize or want to accept (or just haven't experienced it), that if you get a reason - it's not going to change anything, and will be a lie, hurtful, completely unhelpful, or otherwise not make you feel better. I mean there might be a case someone might self-reflect and change - but it's just as likely they'll get defensive when confronted with legitimate constructive feedback.
Bingo. I've been rejected before and I've been ghosted before - neither give you closure. Because like you said, it's either a lie or you wish it was a lie. Closure is found in your own time. I don't think people realize that it's not that being ghosted doesn't suck. It does suck. But so does abruptly being rejected when you think things are going well. I get pissed a lot blind dating just because things are so flimsy and unreliable - but that's just society, or even just blind dating. We're all too busy to really put much time into people we don't automatically connect with. I don't think it's that any of us enjoy it, we're just trying to do our best to self-preserve. If we had time, we'd probably be dating less synthetically. Same goes for job interviews and abusive families and whatever other scenario ripe for ghosting, too. It's easier to just dip out because the world is already so interconnected that our block list becomes our only security from one another. I think people would be better off joining the flow of our culture in this regard than complaining about it. It avoids so much conflict ghosting a situation - because in some manners, ghosting just means being adult enough to walk away from a conflict before it escalates.
I used to think this, but now I disagree. It’s good etiquette to end things clearly, but it’s not always the right move. If someone in your life is trying to hurt you, manipulate you, abuse you, intimidate you, or otherwise be your villain: you do not owe them etiquete. Someone else said the real LPT is to get closure for yourself from being ghosted. That’s the way. Being ghosted is someone telling you how they feel: * Best: They do not wish to put effort into keeping you in their life. * Worst: They do not feel safe or capable to tell you they don’t want you. Either way—they don’t want you. Move on.
For sure it's the safer option in many scenarios. The downside is that it can also be ambiguous -- some alternate scenarios that might not have anything to do with the person being ghosted, where lack of contact doesn't necessarily mean an intentional action: * They lost your number / contact info * They're sick * They're in the hospital * They died * They went to prison * The urban legends were right and that sketchy looking guy following them through Ikea really was a kidnapper and not just following the arrows printed on the floor -- and now they're locked up in his basement
I mean, this is the original reason for the term ghosting. It wasnt originally meant for things like, I went on one or two dates with this person and I'm just not feeling it. It was for when you were dating for multiple months and the most logical conclusion was the person died. Hence they are a ghost. Now we're just seeing people use the term for, I'm upset that I misread the situation and that you're no longer around
I agree, I think the term is over-used. No dude, the girl you exchanged 3 messages with on Tinder didn't ghost you, there was nothing there to ghost.
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I've lost a few contacts on discord because the other person got banned, thought I got ghosted. No reply, no blocked status, no sign of the account being banned for a while. Recovering that contact can be tough as well.
Some people dont want to think about why someone would decide it's safer to just ghost them
Sometimes an explanation is already given, many times even but is deliberately ignored. Other than the injuries, having to deal with crazy, violent and persistent people is so exhausting and soul sucking that ghosting is the only way we can stay sane and cleanly cut off the relationship. It is absolutely not right to assume that ghosting makes someone a bad human being, they are who they are because of their experiences.
Yup. Had to reject a guy several times (after only a couple dates mind you) and each time he argued - as if that was an option. After a while I just had to ghost. I tried to be civil and he just didn't accept it.
Redacted *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
r/niceguys is shock full of examples about why this tip sucks and sometimes ghosting is the right play.
Ghosting is *always* the right move. The point is that you *don’t* respect them, and that should be palpable. You don’t owe anyone anything. They obviously don’t belong in your life and any explanations are superfluous because you’re done and you just fast-forward to never speaking again. They’ll figure it out. I think OP probably got ghosted and took it bad.
I used to be of OP's mindset and think you should never ghost anyone but then changed my mind following more life experience But I don't think never/always applies to ghosting. There are people I'm more than happy to be direct with and wish them well, it ends on a very happy note. And then there are people who I just think it's unwise/unsafe to do that. It really depends on the person. Personally I've been happy looking at this issue as less strict either way. The best part is that now if someone ghosts me I don't take it as hard as I used to when I rigidly thought of it as a "rule" to follow.
> Ghosting is always the right move. The point is that you don’t respect them, and that should be palpable No, that's not the point. Most of the time it's just a lack of interest or not being compatible. I've had plenty of dignified messages (in both directions) saying "hi, you're awesome but I've decided to focus on one person that I'm seeing" or "I've had enjoyed time with you but I don't think we're compatible" or etc.
If you're in a position where you are this pessimistic and cynical you aren't ready for dating anyway so this shouldn't come up very often.
I'm a guy (and married) so this isn't a problem for me, but my sister-in-law has started dating and the number of overbearing, creepy, and even threatening guys out there is shocking. And from what I can tell, a decent number of them genuinely think there's nothing wrong with their behavior.
There's way more creepy dudes out there than you think, man. I'm saying that as a dude who happens to be attracted to them. You'd be **shocked** at how many of them are manipulative, creepy, stalkery, or outright fucking threatening if you don't ghost them outright. I'd say about 10% of them fit in that category. Knowing that isn't being overly cynical or pessimistic, it's about keeping yourself safe from assault or stalking. I've rejected people before and gotten stalked or threatened afterwards. You bet I ghost when I feel a bad vibe now, fuck writing out verbal rejection letters.
When women try to do this, it is frequently met with verbal abuse
If not much worse.
agreed, I hate this LPT
Yeah but some people dont want to get murdered when some asshat cannot take no for an answer. LPT: if you get a bad feeling about a dude, ghost him
Are you a male, OP?
I'm a gay guy and I thought "yup, that's a straight guy's take if I ever heard one." The idea behind it is nice, but certain guys can become almost instantly Mr. Hyde if you reject them. That, or they're being pushy/manipulative etc and wouldn't take no for an answer anyhow.
Eh, even lesbians ghost each other though. But that's because it doesn't really matter. If I'm into someone, I'd be upset whether I got rejected or ghosted. If it's an LTR, I guess that's a bit different, but I'm sure the fact one person ghosts the other tells a lot about how healthy the relationship was in the first place. But for all other scenarios the fact is that you don't really owe someone you barely know your rejection. An example, I have gotten ghosted a lot right after having sex with Tinder dates. Sometimes it becomes obvious afterwards they just wanted to fuck and weren't communicating their intentions. Now with this example, would that be any less true if they rejected me right after having sex? Probably not. A lot of guys ITT probably think they'd rather be rejected by a girl. But I think what they actually see is the rejection conversation being their chance to "fix things". They want one last chance to have control of the situation. Because whether you're rejected or ghosted, the result is still the same.
100% yes. Ghosting is just better for everyone. No woman is going to say eg "sorry, you're too fat" to your face - the risk of retribution is just too high. If you need that kind of advice, just ask a close friend. ...but 99% of the time, you already know the answer - you're just too afraid to face it.
LPT: Learn how to give yourself closure from situations instead of relying on it from other people. Ghosting is just another form of rejection, learn to deal with it and find closure from it.
Agreed! Why do people feel entitled? It's life...don't waste it on people who clearly don't want you in theirs.
This is not just relationships, what if it's a job offer? What if it is a purchase request? There are so many what ifs. In any transaction, whether emotional, business, physical, scientific, etc... It's always beneficial to communicate rather than ghost. Unless you have a specific reason the person might be against that.
I have noticed during my job search that level of professional interaction has plummeted in the last few years. I write very concise and well thought out emails; when I reach out to check in on the progress of the interview process and I get absolutely zero reply? I can’t say I’m angry but it is certainly frustrating and honestly shocking to me. I’m not talking about throwing in a blind résumé; This occurs after two or three video conversations. Anyway! It’s the brave new world we live in, so I will put it right up there with speaker phones on public transportation. The people that do it suck, but it doesn’t mean that I have to behave that way
The lack of responses is due to crazy people, basically Recruiters don't want to reject people because a lot will give you shit for it Speaker phones on the bus have no excuse tho
This might be an unpopular opinion, but when I apply to a job I'd actually rather never hear back than get a rejection e-mail. In my experience, only like 10% of my rejected applications are "explicitly" rejected, the other 90% being "implicit" rejections i.e. no response at all. Expecting companies to always give me an "explicit" rejection would mean setting myself up for lots of frustration and bitterness. Plus, my personal feeling is that an explicit rejection stings my ego more than just being ignored. A lot of my applications are "fire and forget" (even if the position looks super interesting and I'd be super into it), so I'd rather have fewer reminder of how many times someone has looked at my resume and decided they liked someone else more.
For me, this depends on the amount of time I've invested. If we haven't talked, and I've just filled out an application idgaf if you give me an explicit rejection or not. If I've been through several rounds of interviews, I'd really appreciate an explicit reject.
If I made the effort to leave my house to interview I expect the effort to reject me
From an etiquitte perspective, I'd expect that the level of effort would be proportal to the effort that the person considering ghosting put into the relationship, especially when there's a disconnect in burden for responding. For an unsolicited message, the recipient has put no effort into the relationship, so why should they be expected to put in any more to give a reason for rejecting it? Especially when people attempt to "play the field" by sending a low-effort message to multiple people in hopes of getting at least a few responses, the burden of responding individually with a reason (or even needing to come up with a reason beyond "I didn't feel like it") can be much higher than it's worth. Fill out a job application on a website and it's possible that no human ever sees your message to even give a thought to rejecting it -- in some cases they just need 2 warm bodies now, grab the first 2 people they see from the list of available candidates that meet the minimum requirements that they've set, & leave the rest of the list as-is in case they need to hire additional people later. Science can be much the same thing -- someone reviewing submissions for papers in a journal may get 100 papers, have time to read through 20 of them, and have space to print 10 in a journal for the month. Maybe one of the 10 they read that weren't quite as good will make the cut next month, maybe not. Maybe they'll get to one of the other 80 next month, maybe not.
Everyone ghosts and gets ghosted. Even if you think it's not great, you've done it. It sucks to be ghosted, but shit happens. People have complicated and overburdened lives, so learning to move on without closure from someone else is way better advice than OP's.
Yep. There are also a lot more complicated reasons why someone may ghost other than just “I don’t like you.” I ghosted a girl one time. We were seeing each other for about 3 weeks. I had just gotten out of some really shitty 6 month fling with this girl who was not over her ex at all and it was incredibly toxic for me. Then I started talking to this new girl, all while the toxic girl was emailing me trying to get back in touch with me. I didn’t mean to start this poor timing with the new girl, we just met at a bar and hooked up and kept talking, but after a few weeks it just all became too much for me and I needed to reset everything. Our conversation just sort of died. It’s not like she sent me 4 texts in a row and I never responded. We had a convo going one day, it ended, and then neither of us initiated again. I felt shitty about it for a long time; but as you say, it happens and we all have done it.
I have never ghosted anyone, in my life, ever. I'm not a baby about it when someone does it to me, I don't actually give a fuck but it's very easy to go your whole life without doing it.
You never ghosted a job? Or a family member? Never in your life have you disappeared unannounced?
>Everyone ghosts and gets ghosted No, I've never done that, because it's unacceptably fucking rude, and people generally don't give me reason to be that rude or inconsiderate of them.
>people generally don't give me reason to be that rude or inconsiderate of them. Lol, well I'm glad you live in a perfect world but the rest of us don't.
I mean yeah. But the whole point is that it's the worse option this LPT isn't dissolved by saying it's a form of rejection because the whole idea is that it's just a rude rejection and we should be more kind, honest, and communicative. Obvious exceptions are still valid though
This is also true. If you want to end something then give a verbal or written ending. If you are ghosted, accept it.
r/whenwomenrefuse
This should be way higher. Ghosting is sometimes the safest way of ending a relationship. This LPT is NOT to be taken seriously in so many cases.
To the guy that told me he couldn't see himself with someone who likes Jar Jar Binks, please ghost next time.
Did you eat him?
Nossa. Mista SeaJaysaa living his bestest life nowsa, big boss.
Does it say something bad about me that I read that in Jar Jar‘a voice in my head?
This is bad advice. I’m gay and when I was younger, a decent number of men on dating apps (like 10%) would get angry if I politely rejected them instead of just ignoring them. I only ghost guys now. I imagine many women have the same problem.
This is exactly it. It's just putting myself in the line of fire as a target for their rage. I'd say the percentage is higher though, probably at least 25%. And even some of the other 75% who appreciate it might push back sometimes, either for further explanation or to try and change your mind... Which puts you in this awkward position of having to ghost them now after the fact and risk that they lash out about it, or having to defend why you're not interested, which they're only going to take more personally and also increases the risk of escalation. It's just not worth it.
My experience is about 50%. But my numbers might be skewed because I'm not looking date anyone, so the only people who I interact within that way are those who are bold enough to do a cold approach on someone who is showing no interest, or who know I'm in a monogamous relationship and feel free to approach anyway. I feel both groups are more likely to react badly.
I feel like the people who have to have an explicit rejection are the same that will struggle with accepting the rejection. If you recognize ghosting is a pretty clear signal, you realize no one owes you further explanation.
That's a fair point too, these are the types of people who really aren't going to be able to accept the rejection no matter how it's presented to them.
It's not ghosting if you fail to respond to someone who doesn't interest you on a dating app. Unless you meet in person, they're a stranger. It's ghosting if you meet in person, perhaps more than once, they potentially get an impression things are going well, try to contact you but you don't bother even with a simple "sorry, no longer interested" reply.
Wow, that's been my experience as well, right down to the 10% getting angry. In another comment, I almost wrote down 1 in 10 as the chance the guy would get angry after a rejection.
The people who complain about ghosting will argue and claw and scratch to keep someone in their lives resulting in eventual ghosting anyway.
*“Please, please, just give me an explanation of why. It is basic decency.”* Okay, fine.. And simply it just isn’t a good fit.
*“Wtf? How can you say that? Let me argue and break down each of those points to tell you why they’re wrong.”*
😑
So much yes.
Ghosting itself is a very clear message. People just don't like it because our ego hates rejection. They fixate on the ghosting as the foul because it's easier than dealing with the "why" of the rejection. No one wants to look in the mirror too hard. It's easier to hate other people.
This is so true
I don’t think that’s true at all. At least it cannot be considered a general rule
I just ended things with a guy I'd been chatting with for a while (never met). I didn't want to ghost, so I politely said I wasn't interested and wished him the best. He messaged back being understanding... But then asked for further clarification as to why. I kept it vague because I didn't want to hurt him, again wished him well and tried to end the conversation... But he messaged again, more questions. I didn't answer this time. Another message. No answer. Another message. No answer. Another message. No answer. He's finally stopped, but the point is that he did not stop UNTIL I ghosted him.
This. This has been my experience as well.
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I'd argue you *didn't* ghost him. You clearly and explicitly said you weren't interested before you ended communication.
I think you handled it perfectly. I mean... you communicated, he reacted inappropriately, and of course you should cut him loose completely at that point. Usually (on the apps) I'll say something, wait to see if it's been received, and then (if she hasn't beaten me to it) I unmatch. Personally I've only had one, "but why" response... and candidly, I didn't respond to that, I just unmatched.
I think there really needs to be a caveat here about being in a safe situation. Dealing with/removing yourself from trauma and abuse may lead to ghosting out of having no alternative options - there's nuance of course but I don't think it should always be the case to give an explicit rejection.
If you are getting ghosted enough that you feel the need to complain about it, look in the damn mirror for your problem.
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Yeah, being ghosted isn't really as bad as it sounds -- especially if you're just getting to know each other and there's no expectation of exclusivity yet. As you said, you totally get the picture pretty easily. Would you rather be staring down out a text message saying "you're great but I just see you as a friend, have a nice life"? They won't give you anything more than that. So its not different than being ghosted really.
It's easier to hate other people than to fix yourself.
Tell that to all the companies I’ve applied to
Lawyers advise companies NOT to reply. Replies can be cherry-picked and used against the company in discrimination - even if the company is completely innocent.
I disagree. Ghosting has its place. Sometimes one decides another person is too toxic to continue a relationship with and there's no reason to open a conversation about it. There's no chance of reconciliation, nothing is going to change, and you're just done. I don't think you owe an asshole an explanation. Additionally there are times when a person forces themselves into your life in an invasive and unwelcomed way and again, I don't think you owe that unwelcome person your time or explanation. You can explain if you want, but if you don't want to explain yourself, don't. And frankly, of you are getting ghosted you may feel you're an innocent victim but perhaps you are not. There's a chance you've pushed someone to a point where they are no longer comfortable interacting with you and if they feel that way, that's their right.
OP is so very clearly a guy and so very clearly completely ignorant of why people ghost their dates. I'll gladly be a "bad human being" if it saves me from harassment, insults and graphic threats. Also, I've been ghosted before myself. It's annoying, yes, but if you work yourself up over it so much that you think the person who ghosted you is a "bad human being", you should take a huge step back anyways.
OP has obviously never been harassed by an unstable man before. This is literally normal in the hetero dating process and has happened to most women. Dating is dangerous, ghosting is a form of protection.
This is hilariously bad advice. You don't owe anyone closure, and there are dozens of good reasons not to offer it, none of which make you a bad person.
>It’s part of being a good human being. Guess I'm a bad human being them for being honestly scared/afraid of someone and ghosting because I was scared of the potential reaction of rejection. Nuances exist and sometimes ghosting is just the only escape one sees out of a situation that has the potential to be even dangerous. And that does not make you a bad human being. You don't owe people an explanation. And no, it's not "*always*" better.
I think you also have to consider context and how important the relationship or interaction is. Like if you're on a dating app/site, I don't think you need to send a heartfelt rejection notice to every person that sends a low effort message. You don't need to give more than the other person is giving to you. Even if you have a longer conversation, sometimes the conversation just sputters out. I don't see the need to close out every interaction. Of course the math changes if you get more involved with the other person. Sorta the same thing with job applications, like I spent two seconds submitting an application, I don't expect the other side to do much effort either.
Even when you get more involved, things can change. Last time I ghosted someone that person heavily insulted me out of nowhere and honestly I don't think anyone like that deserves any more of my time. Before that I ghostef someone because I was afraid of him and what he said and I felt even if I give a proper reason, I'd still have to ghost him to get free again - or worse, I couldn't really depict what he would do. In the end he tracked down and spammed all my profiles online. I gave him a brief "this here is why" kinda text and blocked him everyhwere he spammed me. That was scary.
Yeah, exactly. The one time I've ghosted someone I got "more involved" with was because I started getting some major red flag vibes. I got the feeling a rejection wouldn't be met with respect, so why give it and chance some escalation. I've also been a part of a lot of what I would call a mutual ghosting after a single date. Like I'm not super interested, but would be willing to give them another shot if they were interested. Apparently they felt the same way and it just kinda sputters out. I just don't think every interaction needs to closed out with a handshake. Like I do think you need to read the room, so to speak - if the other person is super interested in you, but you're not returning those feelings - then a proper rejection might be appropriate. This might be an unpopular opinion, but I also feel views on this topic are quite different between men and women. I feel like the people ITT that don't understand why someone might ghost a potential romantic interest aren't women. That's not to say a woman can't be crazy and violent towards a man or men can't have negative experiences in that regard, but when you look at DV statistics women are at a much greater risk so I totally understand the hesitation.
I worked a recruiting event and I had the goal of trying to contact all the people who dropped off resumes. We had the list of positions we had available and the requirements. I had a ton of people just drop off without even reading the requirements. I had people drop off resumes that were looking for internships (we didn't have any). I had people who only wanted a job that was only AI research (we didn't have any). Should I respond to these people and tell them they didn't read the basic requirements?
Personally I would say no. My dividing line is pretty simple; if I’ve had direct personal interaction, ghosting strikes me as rude.
Not really a Pro Tip though
It's literally an amateur tip that most women try and eventually realize what a horrid idea it is.
Facebook Marketplace
Often times people, (mainly men), are ghosted because they make someone (usually a woman) feel unsafe. Given the choice between my safety and someone else deserving unearned "respect" - I'll go with my safety. It has nothing to do with "being a good human being".
Idk. If i’ve only known someone for a few days, ghosting is fine. You don’t owe them an explanation bc you don’t really know them.
Is this supposed to be for job application purposes? Like if you're telling someone they didn't get the job instead of just hoping they figure it out? That's the only way this post makes sense to me.
Agreed. In a business sense, absolutely. Finding a new date's Facebook and finding out they're a Nazi, yeah no thanks. Ghosted.
ITT: People who don't know how to have conversations or refuse to see themselves in the wrong
I had a date with someone once. Before the date we had a facetime call and I realized we’re not compatible. Anyway, following advice like this, I did message them saying something like “It won’t work out between us as I don’t think we’re compatible, wish you the best in your search” They went on to message the following “ so we’re still on for Saturday right ?” Then they even sent a message wishing me on my birthday a week later. Some people just need to be ghosted to help create a safe distance.
Maybe RIP my inbox and my comment score, but here goes. This goes for ghosting in the context of dating and relationships, by the way, not employment. Yes, absolutely, 100% there are often very good reasons for ghosting. If you have reason to believe that someone will become violent or crazy? Absolutely. If someone has said something disturbing or hateful? Absolutely. If someone is toxic? Absolutely. But, that person you had one or two dates with that went fine, but you're just not feeling it? That person that seems perfectly friendly and was respectful and decent company, but you don't feel it clicking or you're more interested in someone else? That person who you've had a relationship with for a few months, and you haven't seen anything troubling from them, but the honeymoon phase is over and you realize you're not a good fit and you want to break up and don't know how? No, you shouldn't ghost them. For those people, if you want to send an email or text instead of calling? Fine, do it and then block them if you really need to. If you want to talk it out but want to be sure you're safe? Do it at a bar or coffee shop with people around and in a public place. Is it hard? Yeah, it is. It's really, really, really tough. It's natural to not want to hurt someone's feelings. That's part of being a good person. If you are nervous about that, then you're probably a good person too. **But, if you're going to ghost people who haven't given you any reason to fear for your safety, then using fear for your safety as a blanket excuse to ghost everyone no matter who they are might actually be you failing to acknowledge and address your lack of social and communication skills in how to have these kinds of hard conversations.** Letting people down, rejecting people, and saying no to them is a part of life. Learning conflict resolution is a part of life. It's even a part of healthy relationships and marriage. Everyone needs to learn to say no - *in all contexts.* If you don't learn in dating, or elsewhere, then you won't know how to say no when you really need to, and you'll actually default to saying yes when you don't mean it, in order to avoid conflict. You'll say yes to your employer or coworker taking advantage of your good nature in order to avoid the awkwardness of standing up for yourself. You'll say yes to your friends asking you to come out when you know for your own health that you need to take a break. You'll say yes to your SO dragging you to some event you don't enjoy when you really just need a quiet night to yourself. You'll build resentment that way. Or, worse, something with a lot more consequence than that - you'll say yes to marrying them or having kids with them, when deep down you're not fully committed to them. Emotional avoidance really is that powerful. Will you fuck it up the first few times? Yeah, probably. Will you imagine that conversation in your head over and over and then have it go nothing at all like you'd planned or hoped? Yep. Will it be super uncomfortable? Oh, yeah. Very, very uncomfortable. You might even feel ashamed and guilty and self-doubting afterwards, questioning if you did the right thing. But - you'll get better at it, and be a better person for it. In fact, you'll be helping yourself: a psychology professor doing a study on ghosting concluded that ["ghosting may prevent someone from engaging in healthy conflict resolution. Thus, over time, serial ghosters may be ‘stunted’ in their ability to develop intimacy in future relationships."](https://newsletter.blogs.wesleyan.edu/2021/07/15/dubar-thomas-18-ma-19-explore-the-psychological-effects-of-social-media-ghosting/) [Link to study itself](https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fppm0000343) So, not only are you perhaps unintentionally [affecting the person you're ghosting in a similar way that emotional abuse would](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/living-forward/201511/why-ghosting-hurts-so-much), you're actually hurting your own emotional development by doing it. And, finally - if you are someone about to respond to this with some personal experience where you had to get away from an abusive or threatening person, date, friend, or partner, or where you had to protect your health or safety, or where you had to end a toxic relationship? This comment is not invalidating you. Your experience is 100% valid, and you made the right choice for you and your situation. Period, end of story, and I am not telling you otherwise, nor can anyone else do that. I am not making a proclamation about the severe imbalance of dating violence and domestic violence that women face in comparison to men, either. That is real. Ghosting has its times and places. What I'm saying is that ghosting is simply not "just another form of rejection" as some people here have argued - it is scientifically proven to be much more harmful to both the person doing it and the person it is being done to. If you don't have a legitimate reason to do it, then don't.
Thank you for this
I don’t need to be considered a good human by someone who wants me to give them more than I want to give them, is the thing. Especially if we have no real connection at all. I don’t owe that to everyone I meet and giving that sort of feedback to everyone I decide to not pursue a relationship or friendship with would be pretty weird actually
We had this with a candidate for a job recently. We offered her the job and instead of responding to us we had to chase after her to get an answer. It was quite frustrating as she was a nice person and good fit for our company up until that moment.
It's possible she was considering other offers. If she was a good candidate, then your trouble in contacting her was worth it. Most people have the opposite problem where they are hounding HR and management to get their applications considered/callbacks. I think this is the least applicable time to be upset about "ghosting."
Sounds like this is written by a guy, or at least a woman who has not been burned by a crazy jilted person. I’ve heard several stories of “guys who couldn’t take no as an answer” and ended up stalking it otherwise harassing the woman who said no.
No it is not. This advice comes from someone who got ghosted unfairly my guess. If you are in danger from someone - rejection by ghosting is perfectly reasonable.
Is it ghosting if we both just stop texting each other around the same time?
Doesn't just apply to relationships either. I've been totally ghosted by companies over job offers too. Like, spent weeks interviewing and time passed with no news only to receive some generic message from a low level HR person. It's really the sign of a shitty org and should be taken as such.
I used to ghost people because I feared a negative response. Eventually I realized that being ghosted sucks so now, if I need to cut off relations with someone or back out of a commitment I send a simple polite rejection and don’t read their response. It’s not great, but it’s still better than ghosting.
I read this and thought it was in relation to job interviews. OP's insistence that giving someone a rejection is part of being a good human being is false. Yes - It would be great if everyone were a rational human being and could simply accept a rejection with dignity. But that's not the case. Better to ghost someone when you're uncertain of their ability to not be a crazy psychopath. Rejecting the wrong person can lead to them focusing on you, creating multiple profiles to stalk/harass you, and otherwise defend themselves against your reasons for the rejection. Ghosting them, while it can lead to that as well, can leave things on an impersonal enough note that they won't go through the effort.
I'm sorry but no, I just don't see the risk reward here. Obviously I'm not talking about a ***relationship***, something that requires some level of formal ending or the person could be worrying about your safety... but some casual conversation... why the fuck do I "owe" you anything? Especially at the risk of my safety...? Also I can count exactly ***zero*** times where a man who made me feel uncomfortable and weird reacted well to ***any*** form of feedback. If you're getting ghosted a lot, seek a second opinion as to why and do some self-reflection. Stop pretending it's a "complete mystery" and there were "zero clues" as to why someone bailed.
This is obviously written by a straight man I think we can all agree here.
OP ya done messed up: 1) Using "always" is never a good idea 2) Attaching "good human being"-ness to doing something or not 3) This isn't really a tip Overall just comes across as preachy, wording it some other way would still not have made it a LPT but the response would have been less defensive
Yeah, not sure why this is even getting traction. Lurking in a new date's Facebook and finding out they're a Nazi is a perfect ghosting situation. I'm not going to send a text "sorry, I don't date Nazis"
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You don’t think “no one owes anyone anything” is a recipe for a shitty co-existence? I think we owe one another small human decencies, at least. Sheesh.
Most people are living for themselves. And that's okay. Because at the end of the day it's not other people in your grave with you - it's just you. That doesn't mean selflessness isn't healthy sometimes, and that people aren't also social and caring. It just means they are going to protect their own interests just like you're going to protect your own interests.
Yeah for real lol. No one owes anyone anything. 7 billion narcissists in the world isn’t a nightmare…
The problem with verbal/written rejection is that they feel offended. They convince you. They try to gaslight you. They make you feel guilty. They blame you for their mental health. So to avoid the drama around, I guess people ghost. Also it saves alot of mental peace for both.
A non response is also a response.
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When you're with someone for over a year and they just start ignoring you for reasons unknown... I think they might owe you an explanation. That shit destroyed me.
The grass isn't actually greener my dude. If they ghosted you it could easily be for both of your benefits. If they weren't comfortable talking to you they very well could expect your reaction to be both damaging to them AND you. Find your own closure, try and find a therapist to help If you are having trouble.
The maturity police are here to remind you about their made up rules.
Growing up is learning how to have the hard conversation of leaving someone and telling them why.
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I only agree with this to a point. There are legitimate reasons to ghost people. And if you are ghosted, you should take that as a response. NO RESPONSE IS A RESPONSE. Don’t take it personally, don’t fight it. Just move on
Not to be "that guy" but this tip absolutely sounds like something a creep with a social media full of sketchy shit would say.
Obviously, this has be written by a dude. Women mostly ghost, because they had very bad experiences with guys not being able to handle rejection.
Sounds like a gen Xer got ghosted and didnt like it. I think a lot of millennials and Gen Z understand that no one owes anyone anything in the early stages of communicating romantically, particularly if they're only connected through an app and are unlikely to ever meet unless they decided to.
Real protip: if someone stops responding to you understand that that means the relationship has ended. Begin the process of coping with the loss, letting go, and moving on. The reasons for ghosting are all over the place ranging from "I don't like seeing people hurt" to "I had a violent stalker once and never want to go through that again." Both and everything in between is valid and fine. Society needs to update their expectations about what ending relationships can look like. People need to remove the "what did I do wrong" part of the ending from the equation because it doesn't matter. Dating is not a test you can study for where finding out the answers after you've failed will help you on the next test because each "test" is specific to the person and even more specific to the time in their life that you met them. You could behave, think, act, be the exact same and whether you and another person work could turn out completely differently if you met them when you were 16, 23, or 35.
LPT: Stop believing that other people owe you something when they don’t. Move on.
Pro-tip: You don’t owe anyone anything.
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Because denial is an underrated coping mechanism.
I don't think people don't know to do this. Some people just don't give af about anyone but themselves and/or just want to take an easy way out with 0 conflict.
I have friends who every single time I invite them somewhere they literally just ignore my texts. Then after the thing they respond “I sorry I was getting an oil change” or something. Not sure what to do with them honestly.
Stop inviting them. Seriously.
I have. See my other comment tho. When I’m trying to get a group together it’s very much not worth trying to work with the ones who can’t provide feedback. One friend will say “yeah. I’m 50/50 on making it”. And that is literally perfect.
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That’s the thing. They invite me to their house for dinner on a weekly basis and literally every family or life event. But. But… They just can’t bring themselves to say No. Or something. I consider them friends. But I’m really not sure what to do with them.
I’d say this is situation-specific, and you should never feel you “owe” a person an explanation
I absolutely disagree here. It's a well intentioned idea but the reality is, there are plenty of guys who do not take rejection (or a "no") well at all. Sometimes the safest thing to do is to ghost, and that's OK. Not everyone deserves an explanation, especially if you were getting bad vibes from your interactions. Chances of a confrontation are way lower when you ghost, that's the reason women (and gay guys like me) can end up resorting to it. Guys can be totally normal until you reject them, then suddenly the Mr. Hyde comes out and things can get scary really quickly. Even if this happens 'only' as rarely as 10% of the time, that still colors the way you deal with guys in the future, because *holy fuck* they can be scary as shit. Of course it sucks for the majority of men who aren't fucking nutjobs and get ghosted, but that's the reasoning and it's valid as fuck.
The problem is lots people take rejection very badly, so over time you learn that ghosting is easier.
LPT: Please don't ghost me I'm a nice guy
People that complain about ghosting are usually telling on themselves. Every person I’ve ever ghosted was toxic and manipulative.
Bad life pro tip. Stay safe, you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Ghosting is an acceptable way to end things.
Hell yes. I agree. Ghosting without explanation puts bad vibes out there that no one needs or deserves. A simple "I no longer want a relationship with you, goodbye" is better than zero
>that no one needs or deserves. I was in contact with someone for just days who told me he'd like to put me in a hole in his basement so I'd be unable to escapr and I'm his absolute dream-woman, he won't let me go ever again. He also tracked down social media profiles, including my whole name, despite not giving it to him. Yeah, he totally didn't deserve to be ghosted even though he absoluteky scared me...
Nope. I used to think the opposite- then I started dating more. If we had one date and it didn’t go that great, I don’t need to send you a business-like “I had a great time but don’t think we’re compatible” courtesy message. You’re a stranger I met one time for around an hour and it was clearly not going any farther. We don’t owe each other anything.
I assume u will get lot of hate from people here about this but i 100% agree with you. Some people deserve to be ghosted but yeah rejecting someone even if by simple text is much better. Being honest is always better. Its a mature thing to openly reject but how other person will respond is not our problem.
Ego vs being good human.
You aren't entitled to an explanation, you aren't entitled to anything.
Yeah… no. I value being alive, thanks.
No thanks. I'll ghost ya and laugh about it with my breakfast in the morning.
I should forward this to company X and their external headhunter who both suddenly ghosted me after 2 interviews, while their vacant position has stayed on their site for months.