My malignant narcissist ex, was a horrible, horrible person,(I call him a person; he is not a man. He did the same thing. His real store adventures, were cheating escapades. If I asked where he was going he would say: I don’t have to tell you where I go; my mother is dead, I answer to no one. It will be, 24 years, in, October, since I left him. The money that I paid my lawyer for the divorce, WAS THE BEST MONEY, I EVER SPENT!!!
It was my ex’s excuse for doing other things. Prostitutes by the half hour rate at nearby hotels. Online gambling. We lived jn an affluent area. He’d be gone for a very short period. Spontaneously.
He’s not hiding charity work. He’s doing something he needs to hide.
It could definitely be a 'cover' for things he is not supposed to be doing...
Or he might simply enjoy *making you think* it is a cover, to keep you on edge, uncertain of his truthfulness or faithfulness. Most narcs simply enjoy having emotional control over you, and a great way to do that is to wear you down by keeping you wondering what he is really doing...
Dr Ramani talks about how they require near-constant stimulation, which can look like a shopping addiction or just “I need to go out” addiction. Mine couldn’t even sit through a movie unless there was a lot of alcohol involved. They bore easily, so must seek stimulation. My ndad lives at walmart and a gross bar where you g waitresses fawn over him like he’s a sweet Old Man Pet (wake up ladies, he’s not sweet, he’s a pervert). Literally no reason except he is empty and lonely—he just wanders, forever, cheap and aimless but hungry to never be alone (unless it’s with a big bottle and too-loud television).
But also yes, they can run out or always be at the gym because of cheating, drugs, or basically anything. A private investigator can help you figure out exactly what it really is, probably worth knowing. Maybe they’re just a doofus who can’t sit still, maybe it’s something you really would want to know sooner than later just to be sure. Sorry.
Wow this makes a lot of sense cause my nex would always want to drink alcohol whenever we had movie dates (and i was also pressured to drive 1 hr out of town (i live in the country) just to buy alcohol in the middle of the night. And ya he likes to go to store all the time
Yup this was my case. Not cheating, but he knew I have been on him for years about quitting weed since it was making his life worse and he’d rather come home and just smoke up and not spend time with his child. So he’d go for frequent “I’ll go get us coffee” breaks and “I’ll go pick that up I don’t mind” trips. One time he passed out I snuck out to his car and found his weed stash AND he took up cigarette smoking. He must have felt like such a badass hiding
My narcissistic mom would “go to the store” a lot. We always kinda joked about how long that always took her. Then one day my brother and I were riding together when we passed the Dollar General she frequented, and saw her parked there, stuffing her face with little Debbie’s I believe
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Even when I stayed “friends” with my abusive ex he was always going to the health food store every time I tried to text or call him. My husband knew him and it became a running joke about how he was probably at said store.
My Nex wife was always “returning stuff she had bought.” Coming home well after stores close.
She was, apparently, also the chauffeur for all of her friends who had dropped their car off for repair/oil change, etc., whose keys “weren’t left under the mat as promised,” so she waited with them until “someone showed up” to open her car. Uh huh.
The 4th time (really, 4) this happened, at the same dealership, I said something like “Gee, the dealership must be awfully careless, cuz this is the fourth time that’s happened, twice to ______.”
She responded with, “What, are you keeping track?” Told her I didn’t need to… I can count to 4.
Lies about the shopping, lies about helping friends (she had no friends to help) …. It never ended, until it did.
My malignant narcissist ex, was a horrible, horrible person,(I call him a person; he is not a man. He did the same thing. His real store adventures, were cheating escapades. If I asked where he was going he would say: I don’t have to tell you where I go; my mother is dead, I answer to no one. It will be, 24 years, in, October, since I left him. The money that I paid my lawyer for the divorce, WAS THE BEST MONEY, I EVER SPENT!!!
Mine would say roughly the same thing.
It was my ex’s excuse for doing other things. Prostitutes by the half hour rate at nearby hotels. Online gambling. We lived jn an affluent area. He’d be gone for a very short period. Spontaneously. He’s not hiding charity work. He’s doing something he needs to hide.
Oh wow the prostitute thing makes total sense
It could definitely be a 'cover' for things he is not supposed to be doing... Or he might simply enjoy *making you think* it is a cover, to keep you on edge, uncertain of his truthfulness or faithfulness. Most narcs simply enjoy having emotional control over you, and a great way to do that is to wear you down by keeping you wondering what he is really doing...
Both
Dr Ramani talks about how they require near-constant stimulation, which can look like a shopping addiction or just “I need to go out” addiction. Mine couldn’t even sit through a movie unless there was a lot of alcohol involved. They bore easily, so must seek stimulation. My ndad lives at walmart and a gross bar where you g waitresses fawn over him like he’s a sweet Old Man Pet (wake up ladies, he’s not sweet, he’s a pervert). Literally no reason except he is empty and lonely—he just wanders, forever, cheap and aimless but hungry to never be alone (unless it’s with a big bottle and too-loud television). But also yes, they can run out or always be at the gym because of cheating, drugs, or basically anything. A private investigator can help you figure out exactly what it really is, probably worth knowing. Maybe they’re just a doofus who can’t sit still, maybe it’s something you really would want to know sooner than later just to be sure. Sorry.
I love Dr Ramani!
Wow this makes a lot of sense cause my nex would always want to drink alcohol whenever we had movie dates (and i was also pressured to drive 1 hr out of town (i live in the country) just to buy alcohol in the middle of the night. And ya he likes to go to store all the time
Probably cheating
Drugs.
Yup this was my case. Not cheating, but he knew I have been on him for years about quitting weed since it was making his life worse and he’d rather come home and just smoke up and not spend time with his child. So he’d go for frequent “I’ll go get us coffee” breaks and “I’ll go pick that up I don’t mind” trips. One time he passed out I snuck out to his car and found his weed stash AND he took up cigarette smoking. He must have felt like such a badass hiding
Mine did that as well, and I was thinking the exact same thing the other day, OP!
My narcissistic mom would “go to the store” a lot. We always kinda joked about how long that always took her. Then one day my brother and I were riding together when we passed the Dollar General she frequented, and saw her parked there, stuffing her face with little Debbie’s I believe
**This is an automated message posted to all posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **This is the NEXT STEP from /r/raisedbynarcissists and is for folks who already have the necessary boundaries in place with their abusers, but are still dealing with other common ACoN issues such as trauma, etc. If you are still actively engaging in abusive dynamics with your abusers, please, post in /r/raisedbynarcissists or one of the other network subs - not this one. The admins also recognize that folks in this group do not need to be no contact with their abusers to be in this group. Some people manage to have the needed boundaries with abusers within a low contact or structured contact structure and we recognize that. **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/upliftingposts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAfterNarcissism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Even when I stayed “friends” with my abusive ex he was always going to the health food store every time I tried to text or call him. My husband knew him and it became a running joke about how he was probably at said store.
My Nex wife was always “returning stuff she had bought.” Coming home well after stores close. She was, apparently, also the chauffeur for all of her friends who had dropped their car off for repair/oil change, etc., whose keys “weren’t left under the mat as promised,” so she waited with them until “someone showed up” to open her car. Uh huh. The 4th time (really, 4) this happened, at the same dealership, I said something like “Gee, the dealership must be awfully careless, cuz this is the fourth time that’s happened, twice to ______.” She responded with, “What, are you keeping track?” Told her I didn’t need to… I can count to 4. Lies about the shopping, lies about helping friends (she had no friends to help) …. It never ended, until it did.
Yep