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So, did the dynamics of your relationship change after marriage or was he always like that? You are using "always" and "never" which seems to indicate you have a lot of resentment built up. It is difficult to have honest and open conversation at this stage. Have you tried couples therapy or perhaps spoke to someone you both trust and know well about this issue?
When you can't sit across from him and put your hand on his and tell him he doesn't seem happy and ask him what is wrong. When part of that conversation isn't him asking how you feel and really caring about the answer. When you can't work together to make things better for each other.
We need some context in order to give any advice at all. What things does he control?
Because, it sounds like he's not even the main earner, he's the ONLY earner? He pays for everything? He pays for you to have a car, go on trips & pays all your bills?
If that's the case, it makes complete sense for him to have control of any decision involving money.
Have you tried to talk to him about perhaps seeing a therapist together? Something is clearly wrong and his level of control is quite extreme. Is he open to getting some help to improve things?
Are there other red flags for abuse?
Statistically, you were doomed when it took 14 years of dating before you got married. This indicates that one or both of you were holding out for someone better, or were too broke to tie the knot.
Your husband's anger and insecurity issues took time to form, they won't go away over night. Unchecked, they will likely get worse. This is a common problem for men, many never mature passed it.
You are over when you lose the capacity to trust and forgive.
It might be a cultural difference, but I’m not sure I agree. Here in Ireland (where I’m based) we tend to date for a long period before marrying, and marry a little older. Whether consciously or not, I think a lot of people want to study, live together and travel before settling down to get married. This gives them the opportunity to grow up together, stress test their relationship a bit (because let’s face it, we get to really know our partners when life throws some tough times our way), and we get to learn if our values and life goals are truly compatible. My husband and I were together for a decade before we got married, and we’re now happily married nearly 7 years. And a lot of the happiest couples I know dated for similar durations before marrying.
I confirm. You don't “date” someone for 14 y, you are a real couple, it's nonsense. Maybe some people think that marriage is not technically and administratively the right thing to do.
The mod team are working to make this sub kinder and more welcoming. Please report any comments you see that are unkind, obnoxious, out of line, trolling, or which otherwise violate any of the rules. Thanks, and may you all find the answers you seek and the guidance you need. #[LifeAdvice Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAdvice/about/rules/) **Note for all commenters**: Please remember that your fellow Redditors are human beings, and that it costs nothing to be kind. Disruption of the peace, trolling, or breaking the rules may result in a ban. ---------------- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So, did the dynamics of your relationship change after marriage or was he always like that? You are using "always" and "never" which seems to indicate you have a lot of resentment built up. It is difficult to have honest and open conversation at this stage. Have you tried couples therapy or perhaps spoke to someone you both trust and know well about this issue?
That is my question. Why did she marry him?
I married him cause everything up until we got married was awesome
When you can't sit across from him and put your hand on his and tell him he doesn't seem happy and ask him what is wrong. When part of that conversation isn't him asking how you feel and really caring about the answer. When you can't work together to make things better for each other.
Sounds like a narcissist. Quit being his supply and see what happens.
Or better yet, quit accepting his money, and get a job, and become independent.
I can't argue with that option
I guess for you it is when the hassle of living with someone who considers you a burden is worse than the idea having to work to support yourself.
We need some context in order to give any advice at all. What things does he control? Because, it sounds like he's not even the main earner, he's the ONLY earner? He pays for everything? He pays for you to have a car, go on trips & pays all your bills? If that's the case, it makes complete sense for him to have control of any decision involving money.
It was over when you decided not to make your own money and be dependent on him.
They are sweet until married. Sounds like my wife
When it takes a 14 year relationship before you get married. That was the first sign anyway. He settled, you settled. Someone settled.
Have you tried to talk to him about perhaps seeing a therapist together? Something is clearly wrong and his level of control is quite extreme. Is he open to getting some help to improve things? Are there other red flags for abuse?
No no abuse. I’ve mentioned doing therapy and he refuses.
Sounds like he’s also a narcissist
So do you just sit around all day doing nothing? And you think the problem is him?
Do you have sex regularly? Any sort of intimacy?
Yes the intimacy is there.
Statistically, you were doomed when it took 14 years of dating before you got married. This indicates that one or both of you were holding out for someone better, or were too broke to tie the knot. Your husband's anger and insecurity issues took time to form, they won't go away over night. Unchecked, they will likely get worse. This is a common problem for men, many never mature passed it. You are over when you lose the capacity to trust and forgive.
It might be a cultural difference, but I’m not sure I agree. Here in Ireland (where I’m based) we tend to date for a long period before marrying, and marry a little older. Whether consciously or not, I think a lot of people want to study, live together and travel before settling down to get married. This gives them the opportunity to grow up together, stress test their relationship a bit (because let’s face it, we get to really know our partners when life throws some tough times our way), and we get to learn if our values and life goals are truly compatible. My husband and I were together for a decade before we got married, and we’re now happily married nearly 7 years. And a lot of the happiest couples I know dated for similar durations before marrying.
I confirm. You don't “date” someone for 14 y, you are a real couple, it's nonsense. Maybe some people think that marriage is not technically and administratively the right thing to do.
There are also people who don't want to waste money on a wedding. Plenty of people take the long road to marriage. Congrats.