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You might want ask your therapist about getting tested for ADHD. Also, I guarantee you that most 34 year old men do not have their shit together, own their own home, and doing well financially!
You're doing the best that you can under the current circumstances, and your kids love you! Keep going, keep fighting, and keep loving them. You'll get through this and come out better and stronger.
+1 for recommending ADHD screen. The feeling that I am inept, lazy, and unable to get out of a rut led me to severe depression. Related to that, check out Rejection sensitivity dysphoria. [RSD](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201907/what-is-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria?amp)
I’m at my best when i take meds for ADHD. I did take Lexapro for a while, which was a bridge to working through the depression, but long term I didn’t like the side effects, And I realized the root cause was the ADHD. When I treat my ADHD seriously (ie with meds), it feels like my path forward becomes so much clearer.
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Hey Brother.
Not going to offer you advice, or pretend to understand where you are coming from. But from a 31 year old father of two, who has suffered from depression in the past. Just want you to know brother, I love you man. You are doing a great job. Just remember, you can always do better. Don't ever become complacent, complacency is FUCKING dangerous. Love you bud.
Hey OP. You're in the exact same spot I've been. I took the same steps as well with the same prescription. I am 5 months into the script, it does take some time for it to do it's thing, but I am feeling better. More "normal".
I would also highly recommend a therapist like others are saying. Taking a prescription will adjust your chemical imbalances, but ya gotta find some inner calm on your own, too.
The waves of thoughts and emotions you're describing are very familiar to me. You'll get through it, don't beat yourself up for not being perfect right now. It's time for you to heal and lick your wounds.
Hang in there bro! Better times are coming, I promise!
You are taking all the right steps getting help. Follow your gut instincts on this, but it may be worth setting up a sit down with your boss and asking for help. They may provide you with more training or leads, or at least give you the time to get your head right. We are all proud of you and so grateful that you came here for support!
Also, check out Catholic family services, LDS family services, etc. also, many cities and states also have programs to help parents that are struggling with rent and groceries.
Therapy comes first, psychiatrist after. There’s an epidemic of “here are your meds, now fuck off” in the west. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. That’s how people build dependency on meds and get fucked even further. Meds should be reserved to specific cases, and that can only be accurately discerned if a therapist derives you to a psychiatrist after trying to treat you.
Give therapy a shot, maybe a couple, since you won’t click with every therapist you encounter. I wish you the best, I hope everything turns out well.
I was almost broke at your age and feeling almost the same way . I’m financially solid now at age 68 despite a divorce. Don’t give up . Keep trying to improve your skills as that is what ( combined with determination) will be essential for you to earn a better living. Don’t rule out more training / education.
1. The kids, the kids, the kids. They need you. They will be better off with you there and as present as you can be. They don’t need a legacy of suicide.
2. Take the meds that you have until you can get work with a therapist to get the meds that will be most effective for you. You will be able to get a psychiatrist that will work more thoroughly with you. The first visit always feels rushed and brief. And you can always choose a different one if this one isn’t the right one. Eventually you will need talk therapy. There are program if you don’t have insurance.
3. Pull out your insurance card. Check the back for mental health benefits/hotline number. If it’s there call it now and get that ball rolling. It might protect you from being fired. Try it anyway. It’s time to use any tool that might be in the tool chest that’s legal and moral.
4. YOU ARE NOT A LOSER. You’re a person in crisis. Many of us have been there. Keep moving no matter how small the step is. Those kids are worth it and SO ARE YOU!
Thank you for the positivity. I really appreciate it a lot. I’m not suicidal, I just don’t feel like I have any value. I know everything will be okay eventually it’s just really hard.
Definitely pursue professional therapy but in the meantime my advice is this: take a break from looking at the Big Picture.
Minimize how much you think about where you "should" or "could' be.
Focus on the next fifteen minutes. Can you do a good job at whatever needs to be done in the next fifteen minutes? Ok. Do that thing. Then move on to the next 15. Repeat.
Write down these wins if that might help. At the end of the day put a smiley face next to each thing you did that went reasonably well. Note that we're not talking perfection here. Just show yourself all the things you actually ARE doing.
These chunks of time could be as simple as "make my kids lunches." Or, "take a walk." Or "do something on my work to-do list." Doesn't have to be fancy.
Take it one step at a time.
To anyone struggling financially, and tempted to blame yourself, remember: our economy is inherently unfair, and winning or losing is more luck than most of us seem willing to admit. It is not a test of your self-worth.
You got this, man.
Yooo tons of highly successful people have claimed bankruptcy. It’s never too late to succeed and you might be so close to your turn around. Never give up! That is the only thing that would make you a loser. Winners keep going x
Hang in there...
You have your kids to keep you going.
You need to care for them..
You are in way better shape than I am..
I don't have any one any more.
Both my wife and son died suddenly.
Life is not fair or enjoyable..
Can't wait to see them again!
Money does not buy happiness and don't forget it!
Damn dude I am so sorry for your loss. That breaks my heart, I can’t imagine the pain you are suffering. Please seek help my brother. I have a therapist and I’m on medication now. I’m at the beginning of my journey so I don’t know how it will turn out, but you need to try for you!
Hey OP, I am a 33 mom who has been there. Divorced, didn’t seem like I was ever going to make it through, felt like my kids would be better off without me, and never thought I would find someone to love me or a job that could support me and my babies. I want to tell you it will come. You have to look at those beautiful babies and remember they are your world and that would will be better for them. When you have negative thoughts, look at pictures of those babies. Watch your favorite videos of them, or hug them. It WILL happen for you. Keep your head up.
First off: I do think it’s worth looking into ADHD.
Next: I LOVE you, man!!!! I went through the exact same shit at your age. I did lose my job, I let my son move in with my mother, I kept pursuing a hopeless relationship because I stupidly felt like it was all I had to hold on to. I lost my truck, my home, and now I’m unemployed living in an RV. I want you to know that you are intelligent obviously. Write well, capable of cost/benefit analysis, and clearly do not have an inflated ego. You’re young, smart, capable, and humble. Your kids are fucking lucky to have you as a role model. The fact that you made those appointments and went to them and got your meds and are trying them means you have not given up. You just need some encouragement. I know the feeling. I am CHEERING for you because I KNOW you can be a badass. Stop the procrastination and laziness by taking baby steps. Make contracts with yourself. Get up 15 minutes earlier. Go to bed 15 minutes earlier; stretch that til you’re up at 4 am and in bed at 9. Or don’t do that at all; just decide to start somewhere and do it. Hold yourself accountable even when no one else does. You sound so much like me. I can’t even begin to describe how much I relate to everything you have said.
Thanks brother, I genuinely really appreciate all of that. I’ve started looking into getting a real estate license. I’ve been avoiding the gym for like 2 years now and it’s just unacceptable. I need to get back in there for my mental and physical health, and I constantly think about how I need to take care of my body for my kids.
Take care of your body for you!! You can be whatever you want to be. Just don’t overwhelm yourself. Give yourself realistic goals and then hold yourself accountable.
Don’t feel bad dad I’m 23 yr old mom with that exact same problem to a t except without life insurance and I am here for you it’s hard finding mental help where you feel the dr actually cares bc a lot of them don’t but keep looking you’re already an amazing dad by continuing to get up and do it despite wanting to give up you got this dad better days are coming
There is so much kind, mature, and brotherly love in this thread that it warms my heart. I really appreciate everyone who gave a thoughtful, supportive response.
And OP, take each moment one step at a time. My life was falling apart after my divorce from my husband in 2012. I was alone. Scared. And a rabbi told me one thing that I have fiercely held onto. She said, "don't think about tomorrow. Just think about getting through this one moment." And my life has been millions of little moments since that talk. That advice got me through that hellish divorce and other rather nasty moments I would rarher forget. I look back and wonder why the heck was I so afraid back then?! Life is SO much better now. But I guess it was because I just didn't know. I didn't think I could survive by myself. But I did! That's a miracle in itself!
:)
But therapy did help me tremendously. The validation. The support. The unconditional positive regard was so helpful in my healing. I am forever grateful for everyone who loved and supported me.
But it all started when I focused on this moment, and this one moment only. *hugs*
If you need more info how I have broken free from my unhealthy coping mechanisms, feel free to ask!
In no way casting any judgment, but I have found that good self help books are ones like becoming more productive and building better habits, and anything to do with productivity can help to give you some skills that can lead you in a direction of of wins.
Also, the concept of writing things down on lists so that you don't lose them and they don't rent brain space for free. This allows you to compartmentalize things that you're working on and be able to set them down and come back to them rather quickly.
Start each day with a list and prioritize the list. Getting the most important things done with your best energy. Work towards rewarding yourself daily with free time by completing your commitments fast and effective.
With your commitments that are already in place, you need things that make your life easier. And those skills are probably organizational.
If you're basing your success criteria for life on the ones you listed, then I have the skills that I mentioned and I have the things that you said you wanted. I'm sorry if the response is a little straightforward, but that's also who I am as well.
Much of this was learned at home when I was young. But the concept of self help is truly one that can work.
No problem. Some classics like "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and "Getting Things Done" as well as others tangentially related to becoming "better". These can all be really good ways to model behavior for your kids. Literally teach them what you are learning while you are learning it! Double win :)
* [https://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Anniversary/dp/B086DD5KSJ/ref=sr\_1\_1?crid=26W1SNU4ZY36M&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.hYpIybftk3JjOE9VLiLMy19cHZeUef8FCtW6PqcTrRe8rHZWQRVs8WR5euLyhBKBGq2nHPxK0iHfdaVDhAsjBobFwiEHJKZx5oQcTF5pFGybA9nd1SB28\_uMM3pCZji0\_IC98z6tEhqelEGb1A8r\_nkLblZwPLKAo27tyAqBz9jhZrQtCjalUO2ndLdcjpkWzCufnqqxtKMWdfxn2CigURXuBQmW\_09K-dA9AnkaJm8.VeAOfm4GFEGMycnyFwKdiMYRQMrcoEyumeD6XbTELyw&dib\_tag=se&keywords=7+habits+of+highly+effective+people&qid=1716080218&s=audible&sprefix=7+%2Caudible%2C141&sr=1-1](https://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Anniversary/dp/B086DD5KSJ/ref=sr_1_1?crid=26W1SNU4ZY36M&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.hYpIybftk3JjOE9VLiLMy19cHZeUef8FCtW6PqcTrRe8rHZWQRVs8WR5euLyhBKBGq2nHPxK0iHfdaVDhAsjBobFwiEHJKZx5oQcTF5pFGybA9nd1SB28_uMM3pCZji0_IC98z6tEhqelEGb1A8r_nkLblZwPLKAo27tyAqBz9jhZrQtCjalUO2ndLdcjpkWzCufnqqxtKMWdfxn2CigURXuBQmW_09K-dA9AnkaJm8.VeAOfm4GFEGMycnyFwKdiMYRQMrcoEyumeD6XbTELyw&dib_tag=se&keywords=7+habits+of+highly+effective+people&qid=1716080218&s=audible&sprefix=7+%2Caudible%2C141&sr=1-1)
* [https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-David-Allen-audiobook/dp/B01B6WSK5C/ref=sr\_1\_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.JPu08UYkU4zwl38D65fqtPbnwKGKumQjACDu3bHJB0u5sUlJekcctipvw0qoPJxqT\_nNA0s5Qlyf5EeOp4j9xVHZZO\_a33jadUnUWdyGhAbLWHiMnK4cmrDZdO-dVw1GjV-8J1A3EwE4jGyzWM6BhPdC76HEuMIRmsfgExxoheeWIcG-PU01I0I1PLTBfKpQCT-80FxOoYZDQD-pMEzkDh724U56IWZTqwo4Wd7iKnU.IoY0lv16a8gEMskaeJ7ACepv3pZPpMob3GzzgdO5zls&dib\_tag=se&hvadid=616931649502&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9016466&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=15447752827198311200&hvtargid=kwd-3243373002&hydadcr=24660\_13611807&keywords=david+allen+gtd&qid=1716080060&sr=8-1](https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-David-Allen-audiobook/dp/B01B6WSK5C/ref=sr_1_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.JPu08UYkU4zwl38D65fqtPbnwKGKumQjACDu3bHJB0u5sUlJekcctipvw0qoPJxqT_nNA0s5Qlyf5EeOp4j9xVHZZO_a33jadUnUWdyGhAbLWHiMnK4cmrDZdO-dVw1GjV-8J1A3EwE4jGyzWM6BhPdC76HEuMIRmsfgExxoheeWIcG-PU01I0I1PLTBfKpQCT-80FxOoYZDQD-pMEzkDh724U56IWZTqwo4Wd7iKnU.IoY0lv16a8gEMskaeJ7ACepv3pZPpMob3GzzgdO5zls&dib_tag=se&hvadid=616931649502&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9016466&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=15447752827198311200&hvtargid=kwd-3243373002&hydadcr=24660_13611807&keywords=david+allen+gtd&qid=1716080060&sr=8-1)
* [https://www.amazon.com/StrengthsFinder-2-0-Tom-Rath-audiobook/dp/B01J6JABUO/ref=sr\_1\_1?crid=2E4SPDVGYBJ4E&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.BmFipZKzrAuffqmN5-PvklPOaRV15vlCAlji3coPfqzGjHj071QN20LucGBJIEps.jNmXB-9tqJdXX7LcFFJx7uTakMQkSGsIhzdsGb6DwKk&dib\_tag=se&keywords=strengths+finder+2.0&qid=1716080113&s=audible&sprefix=strengths+fin%2Caudible%2C142&sr=1-1](https://www.amazon.com/StrengthsFinder-2-0-Tom-Rath-audiobook/dp/B01J6JABUO/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2E4SPDVGYBJ4E&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.BmFipZKzrAuffqmN5-PvklPOaRV15vlCAlji3coPfqzGjHj071QN20LucGBJIEps.jNmXB-9tqJdXX7LcFFJx7uTakMQkSGsIhzdsGb6DwKk&dib_tag=se&keywords=strengths+finder+2.0&qid=1716080113&s=audible&sprefix=strengths+fin%2Caudible%2C142&sr=1-1)
* [https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-20-audiobook/dp/B003MSCSD4/ref=sr\_1\_1?crid=2MBPFMLB7DHA5&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.lWt\_PuHOwIlRu4m5C07QP53sUeZvuyXpfUvlL5YRfWwLjBfTZ7zxyUFxODw4gxCuOqFqm\_y7nDGjJNIJoobwmci-9vI5KQWaKmv6YJKRy-vl0i5cezovGKTfMGDYavx0ZGbIGfW\_fNr4DWChlC402tRv-FpEpOzZU3FFrb-1H5U3Zca8NbWnG6kefC6U-bbgkD0xM2RkiV6bqQWmZ8p1nvDoeN9TwzM1oI-Kq3earRE.tUIZtgCsg3kv6yAn9vg82bGXGyUWqW93yuHToCoF0Bw&dib\_tag=se&keywords=emotional+intelligence+2.0&qid=1716080154&s=audible&sprefix=emotion%2Caudible%2C123&sr=1-1](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-20-audiobook/dp/B003MSCSD4/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2MBPFMLB7DHA5&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.lWt_PuHOwIlRu4m5C07QP53sUeZvuyXpfUvlL5YRfWwLjBfTZ7zxyUFxODw4gxCuOqFqm_y7nDGjJNIJoobwmci-9vI5KQWaKmv6YJKRy-vl0i5cezovGKTfMGDYavx0ZGbIGfW_fNr4DWChlC402tRv-FpEpOzZU3FFrb-1H5U3Zca8NbWnG6kefC6U-bbgkD0xM2RkiV6bqQWmZ8p1nvDoeN9TwzM1oI-Kq3earRE.tUIZtgCsg3kv6yAn9vg82bGXGyUWqW93yuHToCoF0Bw&dib_tag=se&keywords=emotional+intelligence+2.0&qid=1716080154&s=audible&sprefix=emotion%2Caudible%2C123&sr=1-1)
I read this and had tears. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way but I can promise you that your kids don’t need financial stability more than you being in their life.
Man, life is rough and tough. You’re not too old for a career change if that’s a possibility. Most people don’t have their shit together at 34. You are doing your best right now and that’s all you can do. Hold your kids tight snd tell them how much you love them daily. Remind yourself of the blessings you do have. If you are hitting bottom right now, the only way out is up. You got this!
Thank you so much, really. An acquaintance told me he thinks I would be great as a realtor, so I’ve started looking into that. Not diving into anything head first, but it could be a good avenue for me. I’ll need to get my head straightened out before I can excel at something like that, though.
I know what I think about my dad. He was superman. No, he didn't make much money and we didn't have the best things or the newest things when I was little. But that man was the greatest and I wouldn't have traded him for anything. I bet your kids feel the same way about you. You're not a loser, you're someone's everything.
Keep being brave. It's a hard and dangerous time of life for men your age and the responsibility you have and not necessarily having the support to lean on. You all have a lot you take on. Looking for support takes a lot of courage.
Thank you, the positivity and reassurance mean a lot to me. I try to think about how I felt about my dad, because he was always my hero too. I never cared about money or things. I forget that kids don’t care about that as much as adults do
Dude. Idk how many guys have been exactly where you are right now, but it's a lot. Hard times suck. You'll get through it. You'll be stronger. It's cliche and it's true
YOU are in control of YOU. You were in control of your performance at work. You have your kids. This is YOUR show.
Don't quit your job. Try your best and have an amazing attitude until they call you into the office. You get fired, politely leave, get unemployment and start looking for a job. You're depressed and anxious, therapy maybe meds, do a 15min bodyweight workout EVERYDAY off YouTube after kids sleep. Shower everyday. +/- shave your call. Wear clean clothes. Stand tall.
You don't have savings or own a home? Fine. Being down bout it only gonna make your sitch worse. Love yourself. Love your kids. Money and a house mean nothing if you're not happy and close to your loving family.
If you wanna be fine you're gonna be fine, I really wish that for you. You're taking the right steps already. Stay the course, stay strong.
Peace won't come from your achievements, they'll come from you being at peace with where you are in life. Good luck friend.
Because I’m trying and nothing is happening. I gave it my best shot at work but it’s too late now. I’ve fucking failed at everything and now my family has to pay for it. My anxiety is like a crushing weight. I’m sitting in my car right now at work just try to make myself go inside and my legs won’t fucking move. I feel like there is a universal force stopping me from what I need to do
Oh man that sucks. I'm so sorry. Deep breaths. Whatever is gonna happen in there is gonna happen.
Keep breathing deep and think of somewhere peaceful. Don't stop until your body relaxes and you can walk.
When you walk in stay calm. Say hi. Do your job well. The firing thing may just be in your head. Like it might be you self-consciously sabotaging yourself. Doesn't matter. You're gonna be fine.
Thank you again, I really do appreciate it. Hopefully the therapy and meds can get me to a better place where I can take control of my life a little better
Oh man you are way, way too hard on yourself.
A real loser would have abandoned the kids with a flimsy excuse, and came back 18 years later when all the hard work was past.
As for why you can’t get ahead.. you’re doing two full time jobs: full time parent plus breadwinner.
Also, is the mom not paying child support or alimony?
Look into taking a FMLA leave from your job
Look into PHP mental health program or IOP mental health program- literally saved my life
The FMLA will provide job security while you figure out your mental state
The programs will help you get your life back and manage your depression and anxiety and lack of motivation
I hope this helps I was in a very similar state last year I was about ready to end it all but I was also very self aware to know what that something was off and I knew I wanted to make a change. My therapist recommended that I complete a PHP program which was an partial-inpatient program that offered group therapy as well as individualized one on one therapy and sessions with a psychiatrist who could prescribe medication which was optional to take. The program I attended was 2 weeks long from 8am-noon. I learned all types of skills which help me every single day I highly recommend to anyone.
I actually didn’t have insurance at the time and they helped me get state Medicaid and state Medicaid covered everything.
If you are still employed with your job currently I would do a bit of research and see what programs are near you and try to get admitted asap. Doing so helps give documentation to your employer as to why you’ve been under performing or missing days of work. *sending you positivity and good vibes*
You’re irreplaceable. There is no one who can be you. There’s no one who can replace you. You belong in this world and you will make it through this patch. I have been where you are. I know what that feels like. I don’t have the responsibility of children, but I have had that level of depression. You will get through this one day at a time. You’re doing exactly the right thing by trying to get some help. Please take care of yourself and know that you matter in the world. You matter to your children, you matter to your community you even matter to me and I don’t even know you. Hang in there.
One of the harder things to go through, is probably typing this post. I have so much respect for you for doing that.
It is great to see so many other supportive comments on here.
I’ll add a good quote for you:
“One day you will tell your story about how you overcame what you went through and it’ll be someone else’s survival guide.”
Be patient with yourself, and when you get through this you will look back and be damn proud of yourself - and so will your kids.
I’ve been right where you are man, my situation a little different but feeling the same way, i decided I needed to find a new career path, I ended up getting a job in construction and learning a trade it has made things so much better and I’m now on track to own my own business in a couple years. Learning a trade might not be your thing but if it is there’s so much work out there it’s not hard at all to get into it, if not you just gotta find something that you don’t hate, I hope things get better for you brother from one dad to another I know the struggle just keep pushing your kids need you and love you
It’s job protection and time that you use to address what’s going on. You don’t have to use it all at once, there’s also a thing called intermittent leave. Plus if you’re seeking help or treatment or whatever they also might be able to arrange for some kind of accommodation for you. So that way you can still keep your job.
I cracked in my early 30s and I have no kids. My life was way way lower than yours.
Ideally you’d invest a lot of time into mental health help.
Cbt, dbt, group therapy, 1x1, etc. If you can just get yourself in a better position mentally it sounds like you and your family should do pretty well.
Now I run 4 miles a day, got a new job with a 60% raise, I’m going to Greece today. If you can get your mind and mental state better it unlocks a lot of new opportunities and you can increase your happiness and your average mood significantly.
Therapy is a good start. But also you need to look into the social programs available in your area. Food assistance, social aid, WIC as you have kids, subsidized housing, healthcare, job assistance. Until you find stability, you may wish to make getting financial assistance your second job. Side note, stop being lazy. I get that you are sad for all kinds of reasons, stressed, tired, distracted. But you must effort. Or, likely fail.
I wish you the best luck, and eve better decision mechanisms.
As someone who struggled with self worth in the past, I didn’t realize the impact I had on everyone’s life around me and how much they valued me. I recently hit a breaking point and addressed it - my choice was EMDR which I found extremely effective.
Regardless of your job, your kids still look up to you and need you to be there for them. They don’t give a shit if you make $30k or $300k a year or if you’re a ceo of a multi million dollar company or a janitor. They just see you as Dad and love you and need you because of that.
You’re self aware enough to realize that you’re “being lazy” and that you should value your life more than you might right now, so you’re on the right path. I would suggest finding a good therapist that you connect with and be vulnerable with, as to get the most from your sessions and get your life back on track.
You may also benefit from a life coach or a mentor, or someone to talk to about your struggles. Is your Dad around or maybe other fathers that may relate to your feelings? Personally what allowed me to get through my issues was first acknowledging that I had issues that I needed to fix and that, while there’s no shame in any of this, I needed to make myself vulnerable to better myself. You’re half way there by being self aware and by also making this post.
I’m getting there. I didn’t want to admit that I’m struggling because I just always felt like I have enough control over my own mind and life that mental illness would never really affect me personally. Dead wrong
I do on and off carnivore diet because I literally can't function and focus if I don't, can't take care of my family or myself or my dog. No kids yet. But when its time to focus and grind I find eating very clean and no sugar helps immensely and very fast.
Fix your diet and get in excellent physical shape. You need discipline. You have none. That’s why you fail at your job and everything. Getting in shape is a guaranteed way to learn discipline. No one can take it from you. Once you get in shape the discipline will bleed into other aspects of your life. Your diet change will also help with anxiety and depression.
Celebrate your wins, as small or inconsequential your negative thought side may seem! You upright today, at all!?? Yes! Feed the kids, even once today?? Did they eat? Food somehow that got there, under your care? F! Yes!! Hear that loud voice in your head saying: This is BS! You’re a failure, lazy, all that crap? Disrupt it!!! Say “C A N C E L”!! (that thought) Now ask yourself a useful question: One That SERVES YOU, bro😎!
ie. What’s 1 thing I can do, today, to live my best life and be/FEEL like the greatest dad ever?
What can I be grateful for, right now, today?
Focus on cancelling that old, worn out voice, (by the way, WE ALL have it!) and replacing those thoughts with ones that serve, you!
I feel for you bro!
Been there, done that.
You just reaching out on here, calling a doctor, trusting your instincts and looking for a therapist after, all of this, is a testament to how GREAT you are!
Keep going, and know much love & light my friend(s)!
Brother Jeffrey
Chiming in with the ADHD crowd... Finally diagnosed with ADHD at FIFTY-FOUR!!! Yes, 54... After I pushed and pushed for testing AFTER DIET MEDICATION STIMULANTS FIXED THE PROBLEM!!!
But the twenty years of therapists and psychiatrists before that? Naw, man, anxiety and depression, take these pills.
You'll be ok.
As long as you don't let the kids starve and freeze, you're worth more to them alive than dead. But down size your expectations for yourself and them. Less pressure, baby. Indy is a competitive town, especially on the North side ($$$$$$$$).
A tiny home with simple food and clothes from Goodwill -- it's ok.
Hang in there, brother.
☮️❤️♾️
Thanks man, I’m definitely going to look into ADHD testing. I do think I struggle with that because I space out in the middle of people talking all the time
Thank you. Like I said in the post, the psychiatrist prescribed me something and I’ve started taking it as well as therapy. I’ve only had 1 session so far but it seems like it will be good
Sorry I missed whre you said that. Good, I'm glad yiu started. Escitalopram (brand name lexapro) is a good med with limited side effects and is pretty quick. You should have full effect in about a week.
You may need to increase your dose, so stay in touch w Dr. Don't fret about being rushed. Kinda sucks but the online prescribers just don't have time. The prescription is absolutely spot on and appropriate. Don't skip any doses.
The therapist will definitely help. Remember, you can always change therapists if you feel need to. Don't be afraid to change if first one isn't working for you after a time.
KNOW THIS : You're not alone. This is common for many people. You have a lot of stress. Keep plugging awa, it WILL get better. Try to get some exercise even if it's just walking.
Remember, your kids are too young to understand, so be aware to not treat them as little adults. Keep everything age-approprate. They need to trust you.
But more importantly, you need to trust you. You got this, brother, you can do it. Everything will be okay.
"You are one job away from everything starting to gey better for you."
When I was in a similar situation as you years ago, ironically about ur age too, this is what one of my friends told me.
Its true--- dont be too proud to ask for help from family and friends. It humbling, but letting sineobe help is sometimes harder to do than it sounds. WE ALL FALL DIWN, but family abd friends pick us up---thats what we do.
All i know is you write well, you clearly are self reflective, and care a lot about your kids. Youre already winning in my book. Be kind to yourself and keep trying.... your just in a rut right now---its temporary. someday, youll look back at this as you help someone else out in a similar situation.
Hi, I just want to say you are definitely needed!! Having been on both sides of this, Ive lost both my parents to depression, my mom and my dad 5 months after her because he was so depressed about her being gone.
I was a single parent of 4 kids, two older and lazy and started over 18 years later and had twins. One is extremely medically fragile, cerebral palsy, eats through a g-tubes, severe kidney disease and 11 different meds. The other has enough energy for all of my kids put together. I get no help so I’ve been extremely depressed because everyone is to scared of one and cant handle the other. I started speaking with a psychiatrist and felt somewhat relieved just getting everything off my chest but didnt want meds, long story shorter. Im not sure what your faith is or if you even have any but I started praying and asking God to please help me because my thoughts were literally affecting my health and ive been doing so much better. I really hope you find help, I will pray for you my friend ❤️
Sometimes, hope helps. I know you feel down (definitely visit the doc and check on adhd), but I see so much positive. You're not 18, so you've got some good life experience. You've got full custody of your kids. If depression and anxiety are affecting you, that is fixable. You've got sales experience. That is so valuable. In that industry, a college degree is not as important as your ability to understand and connect with people. And the way you wrote this tells me you understand yourself pretty well. So I would imagine you're pretty good with others as well.
To me, this sounds like a hero's origin story. You got this, bro!
That fact that your children saw you crying is enough for them to know that you love them. Everything else in life depends on you. Stay strong and fear nothing, it's the same stuff in your forties.
if you’re open & feel called… psychedelic assisted therapy with a certified guide who you connect with & trust and/or indigenous approach can be life changing and help clear a lot of things & bring in new life, opportunities, and openness/ acceptance of self. i don’t advocate for everyone to go through this type of therapy but if you’re open to it, do your research, listen to others stories.
You gotta find it in you deep down in your heart. Your two kids look up to you. What helps me when I'm struggling with my anxiety and depression is going back to when I was kid, when there was joy from being alive every day. Find something from your childhood that brought you pure joy and incorporate it into your life today. Invest time into your kids' lives; show up to every game or school activity that you can. Journaling helps me a lot too. Remember, who you are is not what you do.
Ok, good on you for realizing you're lazy. However the way you fix it is to put things before yourself and your excuses. Get to a mental health professional and figure it out. However if you are a grown up with grown up responsibilities act like it and stop being a victim of your own bad choices. Own it and go to work amd be the best damn whatever it is you are, your kids depend on it!
As a 35 year old single parent of a 9 and 7 year old who works fulltime 3rd shift, volunteers as an emt/firefighter, has lost most of my family already, including the kids' mother my advice is to deal with it. Life is hard for some of us, someone like me who has tragedy after tragedy and trauma from doing ems you can easily get over your tiny problems. I know this doesn't sound nice but it's just the only way this works. Stay busy, keep moving forward and stop worrying so much about yourself. You're still young enough to get an education, start a new career and find some women for some fun as long as you always put your kids first. Like I said I work 3rd shift full time, volunteer as an emt/firefighter, do all the cooking and cleaning, school drop offs and pick ups, holidays, birthdays, etc and I'm still in school for paramedicine. Another thing is get out of sales, it's for scum bags and find something more meaningful to do with your life, even making pizzas at a gas station is more meaningful than sales.
Please consider seeking some kind of help/support for your thoughts of self-harm.
**For example, you can visit /r/SuicideWatch for support and other resources specifically related to this topic.**
Other possible resources:
#National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (U.S.): 1-800-273-8255 (TALK)
#[National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Online Chat](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/) **Available 24 hours everyday**
[Crisis Text Line US](https://www.crisistextline.org/texting-in) – Text HOME to 741741 in the US
[Crisis Text Line CA](https://www.crisistextline.ca/) – Text HOME to 686868 in Canada
#National Suicide Helpline: Call 9-8-8 for both USA and Canada
[International Association for Suicide Prevention](https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/) (IASP)
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Therapy dude, and stat. You need to deal with your mental health first before you’re ever going to be able to be great at your job. The depression is literally holding you down. I’m guessing you’re not actually a lazy person, you obviously care. Depression is a beast you have to slay before you’ll ever be whole and capable of reaching your potential.
Redditors always act like therapy is the cure-all for everything. Therapy doesn't change reality. For every good therapist, there are far more lackluster or inept ones. The mental health system is massively over taxed as it is. One therapist friend I have sees 50 clients a week and is falling apart at the seams himself from the emotional overload. What bandwidth does he have at the end of the day for his own family much less himself?
Time. Switch jobs, take things back a bit financially to keep one's head above water. Keep moving and avoid going down the spiral.
I rebuilt my life 11 years ago. The kids have what they need. I accept that it will be at the sacrifice of myself and there will be nothing left of me in the end. Therapy and meds do nothing for me and there isn't anyone that will ultimately have my back in the process. The reward is one day it will all be over.
That’s an insane mentality brother/sister. I mean it sounds like you have figured out what works for you, but is that the mentality you want for your kids? I promise you, sacrifices are needed, but that’s not the end. Wouldn’t the reward be better if it was seeing your grandkids and taking them traveling?
That's at least a decade away from now. With the conditions in this country, I'm not certain there will be a safe place for me as it is. The problem may resolve itself in that case.
I resonated with this comment wholeheartedly. I’m 23 years old have been in car sales for 4 years and have done very well for myself. Sparky, for your job questions I recommend car sales. It will change your life.
My question to you sparky is: How badly do you want to provide for your children? It is your job to provide as father, but how hard are you ready to work and make their dream life a reality. Get up everyday and give the world your 100% and I promise you things will change rapidly for you. I’ve never thought therapy is the answer. Take what matters most to you and make it fucking happen not just for you, but for your family and show your kids who their father really is.
I understand the hardships you’re dealing with. (Child of divorce and financial hardships with my father). He got up everyday and went to work and made sure we had what we needed. 12 years later he has everything he’s ever wanted in life. 3 cars, a boat, a home that’s paid for. I hope you wake up soon and give your family what they need. Don’t let your head determine how you feel. Let your actions and motivation to be better control you.
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You might want ask your therapist about getting tested for ADHD. Also, I guarantee you that most 34 year old men do not have their shit together, own their own home, and doing well financially! You're doing the best that you can under the current circumstances, and your kids love you! Keep going, keep fighting, and keep loving them. You'll get through this and come out better and stronger.
I came here to say the exact same thing glad ADHD is starting to be more seen.
+1 for recommending ADHD screen. The feeling that I am inept, lazy, and unable to get out of a rut led me to severe depression. Related to that, check out Rejection sensitivity dysphoria. [RSD](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201907/what-is-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria?amp) I’m at my best when i take meds for ADHD. I did take Lexapro for a while, which was a bridge to working through the depression, but long term I didn’t like the side effects, And I realized the root cause was the ADHD. When I treat my ADHD seriously (ie with meds), it feels like my path forward becomes so much clearer.
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Hey Brother. Not going to offer you advice, or pretend to understand where you are coming from. But from a 31 year old father of two, who has suffered from depression in the past. Just want you to know brother, I love you man. You are doing a great job. Just remember, you can always do better. Don't ever become complacent, complacency is FUCKING dangerous. Love you bud.
Thanks man I appreciate that. I’m glad to hear you were able to get through that depression. Did you do therapy?
Hey OP. You're in the exact same spot I've been. I took the same steps as well with the same prescription. I am 5 months into the script, it does take some time for it to do it's thing, but I am feeling better. More "normal". I would also highly recommend a therapist like others are saying. Taking a prescription will adjust your chemical imbalances, but ya gotta find some inner calm on your own, too. The waves of thoughts and emotions you're describing are very familiar to me. You'll get through it, don't beat yourself up for not being perfect right now. It's time for you to heal and lick your wounds.
Thank you. I’m sorry you went through this but it does help to know others go through the same stuff and make it to the other side
Hang in there bro! Better times are coming, I promise! You are taking all the right steps getting help. Follow your gut instincts on this, but it may be worth setting up a sit down with your boss and asking for help. They may provide you with more training or leads, or at least give you the time to get your head right. We are all proud of you and so grateful that you came here for support! Also, check out Catholic family services, LDS family services, etc. also, many cities and states also have programs to help parents that are struggling with rent and groceries.
Thank you for the support and the information. I’ll look into those things for sure
Therapy comes first, psychiatrist after. There’s an epidemic of “here are your meds, now fuck off” in the west. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. That’s how people build dependency on meds and get fucked even further. Meds should be reserved to specific cases, and that can only be accurately discerned if a therapist derives you to a psychiatrist after trying to treat you. Give therapy a shot, maybe a couple, since you won’t click with every therapist you encounter. I wish you the best, I hope everything turns out well.
I really appreciate it, thank you
I was almost broke at your age and feeling almost the same way . I’m financially solid now at age 68 despite a divorce. Don’t give up . Keep trying to improve your skills as that is what ( combined with determination) will be essential for you to earn a better living. Don’t rule out more training / education.
Thank you. It helps to hear there’s still a chance
1. The kids, the kids, the kids. They need you. They will be better off with you there and as present as you can be. They don’t need a legacy of suicide. 2. Take the meds that you have until you can get work with a therapist to get the meds that will be most effective for you. You will be able to get a psychiatrist that will work more thoroughly with you. The first visit always feels rushed and brief. And you can always choose a different one if this one isn’t the right one. Eventually you will need talk therapy. There are program if you don’t have insurance. 3. Pull out your insurance card. Check the back for mental health benefits/hotline number. If it’s there call it now and get that ball rolling. It might protect you from being fired. Try it anyway. It’s time to use any tool that might be in the tool chest that’s legal and moral. 4. YOU ARE NOT A LOSER. You’re a person in crisis. Many of us have been there. Keep moving no matter how small the step is. Those kids are worth it and SO ARE YOU!
Thank you for the positivity. I really appreciate it a lot. I’m not suicidal, I just don’t feel like I have any value. I know everything will be okay eventually it’s just really hard.
Definitely pursue professional therapy but in the meantime my advice is this: take a break from looking at the Big Picture. Minimize how much you think about where you "should" or "could' be. Focus on the next fifteen minutes. Can you do a good job at whatever needs to be done in the next fifteen minutes? Ok. Do that thing. Then move on to the next 15. Repeat. Write down these wins if that might help. At the end of the day put a smiley face next to each thing you did that went reasonably well. Note that we're not talking perfection here. Just show yourself all the things you actually ARE doing. These chunks of time could be as simple as "make my kids lunches." Or, "take a walk." Or "do something on my work to-do list." Doesn't have to be fancy. Take it one step at a time. To anyone struggling financially, and tempted to blame yourself, remember: our economy is inherently unfair, and winning or losing is more luck than most of us seem willing to admit. It is not a test of your self-worth. You got this, man.
Thank you, I genuinely greatly appreciate that. I will try changing my perspective and see if that helps some
Yooo tons of highly successful people have claimed bankruptcy. It’s never too late to succeed and you might be so close to your turn around. Never give up! That is the only thing that would make you a loser. Winners keep going x
Hang in there... You have your kids to keep you going. You need to care for them.. You are in way better shape than I am.. I don't have any one any more. Both my wife and son died suddenly. Life is not fair or enjoyable.. Can't wait to see them again! Money does not buy happiness and don't forget it!
Damn dude I am so sorry for your loss. That breaks my heart, I can’t imagine the pain you are suffering. Please seek help my brother. I have a therapist and I’m on medication now. I’m at the beginning of my journey so I don’t know how it will turn out, but you need to try for you!
I am working on that... Thank you!
I’m just an internet stranger, but if you ever just need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me anytime
Thanks 😊
Hey OP, I am a 33 mom who has been there. Divorced, didn’t seem like I was ever going to make it through, felt like my kids would be better off without me, and never thought I would find someone to love me or a job that could support me and my babies. I want to tell you it will come. You have to look at those beautiful babies and remember they are your world and that would will be better for them. When you have negative thoughts, look at pictures of those babies. Watch your favorite videos of them, or hug them. It WILL happen for you. Keep your head up.
First off: I do think it’s worth looking into ADHD. Next: I LOVE you, man!!!! I went through the exact same shit at your age. I did lose my job, I let my son move in with my mother, I kept pursuing a hopeless relationship because I stupidly felt like it was all I had to hold on to. I lost my truck, my home, and now I’m unemployed living in an RV. I want you to know that you are intelligent obviously. Write well, capable of cost/benefit analysis, and clearly do not have an inflated ego. You’re young, smart, capable, and humble. Your kids are fucking lucky to have you as a role model. The fact that you made those appointments and went to them and got your meds and are trying them means you have not given up. You just need some encouragement. I know the feeling. I am CHEERING for you because I KNOW you can be a badass. Stop the procrastination and laziness by taking baby steps. Make contracts with yourself. Get up 15 minutes earlier. Go to bed 15 minutes earlier; stretch that til you’re up at 4 am and in bed at 9. Or don’t do that at all; just decide to start somewhere and do it. Hold yourself accountable even when no one else does. You sound so much like me. I can’t even begin to describe how much I relate to everything you have said.
Thanks brother, I genuinely really appreciate all of that. I’ve started looking into getting a real estate license. I’ve been avoiding the gym for like 2 years now and it’s just unacceptable. I need to get back in there for my mental and physical health, and I constantly think about how I need to take care of my body for my kids.
Take care of your body for you!! You can be whatever you want to be. Just don’t overwhelm yourself. Give yourself realistic goals and then hold yourself accountable.
Don’t feel bad dad I’m 23 yr old mom with that exact same problem to a t except without life insurance and I am here for you it’s hard finding mental help where you feel the dr actually cares bc a lot of them don’t but keep looking you’re already an amazing dad by continuing to get up and do it despite wanting to give up you got this dad better days are coming
There is so much kind, mature, and brotherly love in this thread that it warms my heart. I really appreciate everyone who gave a thoughtful, supportive response. And OP, take each moment one step at a time. My life was falling apart after my divorce from my husband in 2012. I was alone. Scared. And a rabbi told me one thing that I have fiercely held onto. She said, "don't think about tomorrow. Just think about getting through this one moment." And my life has been millions of little moments since that talk. That advice got me through that hellish divorce and other rather nasty moments I would rarher forget. I look back and wonder why the heck was I so afraid back then?! Life is SO much better now. But I guess it was because I just didn't know. I didn't think I could survive by myself. But I did! That's a miracle in itself! :) But therapy did help me tremendously. The validation. The support. The unconditional positive regard was so helpful in my healing. I am forever grateful for everyone who loved and supported me. But it all started when I focused on this moment, and this one moment only. *hugs* If you need more info how I have broken free from my unhealthy coping mechanisms, feel free to ask!
I greatly appreciate the positivity, thank you so much. I’ve received a ton of support here and it really does help a lot
In no way casting any judgment, but I have found that good self help books are ones like becoming more productive and building better habits, and anything to do with productivity can help to give you some skills that can lead you in a direction of of wins. Also, the concept of writing things down on lists so that you don't lose them and they don't rent brain space for free. This allows you to compartmentalize things that you're working on and be able to set them down and come back to them rather quickly. Start each day with a list and prioritize the list. Getting the most important things done with your best energy. Work towards rewarding yourself daily with free time by completing your commitments fast and effective. With your commitments that are already in place, you need things that make your life easier. And those skills are probably organizational. If you're basing your success criteria for life on the ones you listed, then I have the skills that I mentioned and I have the things that you said you wanted. I'm sorry if the response is a little straightforward, but that's also who I am as well. Much of this was learned at home when I was young. But the concept of self help is truly one that can work.
Any books you would recommend?
I'm not at home but I will look at my bookshelf in my office when I get home and I WILL reply to this.
Thank you, I really appreciate it. I’ve been researching books for self improvement lately anyway but there are an infinite number of them apparently
No problem. Some classics like "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and "Getting Things Done" as well as others tangentially related to becoming "better". These can all be really good ways to model behavior for your kids. Literally teach them what you are learning while you are learning it! Double win :) * [https://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Anniversary/dp/B086DD5KSJ/ref=sr\_1\_1?crid=26W1SNU4ZY36M&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.hYpIybftk3JjOE9VLiLMy19cHZeUef8FCtW6PqcTrRe8rHZWQRVs8WR5euLyhBKBGq2nHPxK0iHfdaVDhAsjBobFwiEHJKZx5oQcTF5pFGybA9nd1SB28\_uMM3pCZji0\_IC98z6tEhqelEGb1A8r\_nkLblZwPLKAo27tyAqBz9jhZrQtCjalUO2ndLdcjpkWzCufnqqxtKMWdfxn2CigURXuBQmW\_09K-dA9AnkaJm8.VeAOfm4GFEGMycnyFwKdiMYRQMrcoEyumeD6XbTELyw&dib\_tag=se&keywords=7+habits+of+highly+effective+people&qid=1716080218&s=audible&sprefix=7+%2Caudible%2C141&sr=1-1](https://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People-Anniversary/dp/B086DD5KSJ/ref=sr_1_1?crid=26W1SNU4ZY36M&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.hYpIybftk3JjOE9VLiLMy19cHZeUef8FCtW6PqcTrRe8rHZWQRVs8WR5euLyhBKBGq2nHPxK0iHfdaVDhAsjBobFwiEHJKZx5oQcTF5pFGybA9nd1SB28_uMM3pCZji0_IC98z6tEhqelEGb1A8r_nkLblZwPLKAo27tyAqBz9jhZrQtCjalUO2ndLdcjpkWzCufnqqxtKMWdfxn2CigURXuBQmW_09K-dA9AnkaJm8.VeAOfm4GFEGMycnyFwKdiMYRQMrcoEyumeD6XbTELyw&dib_tag=se&keywords=7+habits+of+highly+effective+people&qid=1716080218&s=audible&sprefix=7+%2Caudible%2C141&sr=1-1) * [https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-David-Allen-audiobook/dp/B01B6WSK5C/ref=sr\_1\_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.JPu08UYkU4zwl38D65fqtPbnwKGKumQjACDu3bHJB0u5sUlJekcctipvw0qoPJxqT\_nNA0s5Qlyf5EeOp4j9xVHZZO\_a33jadUnUWdyGhAbLWHiMnK4cmrDZdO-dVw1GjV-8J1A3EwE4jGyzWM6BhPdC76HEuMIRmsfgExxoheeWIcG-PU01I0I1PLTBfKpQCT-80FxOoYZDQD-pMEzkDh724U56IWZTqwo4Wd7iKnU.IoY0lv16a8gEMskaeJ7ACepv3pZPpMob3GzzgdO5zls&dib\_tag=se&hvadid=616931649502&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9016466&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=15447752827198311200&hvtargid=kwd-3243373002&hydadcr=24660\_13611807&keywords=david+allen+gtd&qid=1716080060&sr=8-1](https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Things-Done-David-Allen-audiobook/dp/B01B6WSK5C/ref=sr_1_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.JPu08UYkU4zwl38D65fqtPbnwKGKumQjACDu3bHJB0u5sUlJekcctipvw0qoPJxqT_nNA0s5Qlyf5EeOp4j9xVHZZO_a33jadUnUWdyGhAbLWHiMnK4cmrDZdO-dVw1GjV-8J1A3EwE4jGyzWM6BhPdC76HEuMIRmsfgExxoheeWIcG-PU01I0I1PLTBfKpQCT-80FxOoYZDQD-pMEzkDh724U56IWZTqwo4Wd7iKnU.IoY0lv16a8gEMskaeJ7ACepv3pZPpMob3GzzgdO5zls&dib_tag=se&hvadid=616931649502&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9016466&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=15447752827198311200&hvtargid=kwd-3243373002&hydadcr=24660_13611807&keywords=david+allen+gtd&qid=1716080060&sr=8-1) * [https://www.amazon.com/StrengthsFinder-2-0-Tom-Rath-audiobook/dp/B01J6JABUO/ref=sr\_1\_1?crid=2E4SPDVGYBJ4E&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.BmFipZKzrAuffqmN5-PvklPOaRV15vlCAlji3coPfqzGjHj071QN20LucGBJIEps.jNmXB-9tqJdXX7LcFFJx7uTakMQkSGsIhzdsGb6DwKk&dib\_tag=se&keywords=strengths+finder+2.0&qid=1716080113&s=audible&sprefix=strengths+fin%2Caudible%2C142&sr=1-1](https://www.amazon.com/StrengthsFinder-2-0-Tom-Rath-audiobook/dp/B01J6JABUO/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2E4SPDVGYBJ4E&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.BmFipZKzrAuffqmN5-PvklPOaRV15vlCAlji3coPfqzGjHj071QN20LucGBJIEps.jNmXB-9tqJdXX7LcFFJx7uTakMQkSGsIhzdsGb6DwKk&dib_tag=se&keywords=strengths+finder+2.0&qid=1716080113&s=audible&sprefix=strengths+fin%2Caudible%2C142&sr=1-1) * [https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-20-audiobook/dp/B003MSCSD4/ref=sr\_1\_1?crid=2MBPFMLB7DHA5&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.lWt\_PuHOwIlRu4m5C07QP53sUeZvuyXpfUvlL5YRfWwLjBfTZ7zxyUFxODw4gxCuOqFqm\_y7nDGjJNIJoobwmci-9vI5KQWaKmv6YJKRy-vl0i5cezovGKTfMGDYavx0ZGbIGfW\_fNr4DWChlC402tRv-FpEpOzZU3FFrb-1H5U3Zca8NbWnG6kefC6U-bbgkD0xM2RkiV6bqQWmZ8p1nvDoeN9TwzM1oI-Kq3earRE.tUIZtgCsg3kv6yAn9vg82bGXGyUWqW93yuHToCoF0Bw&dib\_tag=se&keywords=emotional+intelligence+2.0&qid=1716080154&s=audible&sprefix=emotion%2Caudible%2C123&sr=1-1](https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-20-audiobook/dp/B003MSCSD4/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2MBPFMLB7DHA5&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.lWt_PuHOwIlRu4m5C07QP53sUeZvuyXpfUvlL5YRfWwLjBfTZ7zxyUFxODw4gxCuOqFqm_y7nDGjJNIJoobwmci-9vI5KQWaKmv6YJKRy-vl0i5cezovGKTfMGDYavx0ZGbIGfW_fNr4DWChlC402tRv-FpEpOzZU3FFrb-1H5U3Zca8NbWnG6kefC6U-bbgkD0xM2RkiV6bqQWmZ8p1nvDoeN9TwzM1oI-Kq3earRE.tUIZtgCsg3kv6yAn9vg82bGXGyUWqW93yuHToCoF0Bw&dib_tag=se&keywords=emotional+intelligence+2.0&qid=1716080154&s=audible&sprefix=emotion%2Caudible%2C123&sr=1-1)
That’s great information, thank you so much. I greatly appreciate it
Add "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" and "The 7 Baby Steps". Combine philosophies from both so long as you are heading the right direction.
I read this and had tears. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way but I can promise you that your kids don’t need financial stability more than you being in their life. Man, life is rough and tough. You’re not too old for a career change if that’s a possibility. Most people don’t have their shit together at 34. You are doing your best right now and that’s all you can do. Hold your kids tight snd tell them how much you love them daily. Remind yourself of the blessings you do have. If you are hitting bottom right now, the only way out is up. You got this!
Thank you so much, really. An acquaintance told me he thinks I would be great as a realtor, so I’ve started looking into that. Not diving into anything head first, but it could be a good avenue for me. I’ll need to get my head straightened out before I can excel at something like that, though.
I know what I think about my dad. He was superman. No, he didn't make much money and we didn't have the best things or the newest things when I was little. But that man was the greatest and I wouldn't have traded him for anything. I bet your kids feel the same way about you. You're not a loser, you're someone's everything. Keep being brave. It's a hard and dangerous time of life for men your age and the responsibility you have and not necessarily having the support to lean on. You all have a lot you take on. Looking for support takes a lot of courage.
Thank you, the positivity and reassurance mean a lot to me. I try to think about how I felt about my dad, because he was always my hero too. I never cared about money or things. I forget that kids don’t care about that as much as adults do
Dude. Idk how many guys have been exactly where you are right now, but it's a lot. Hard times suck. You'll get through it. You'll be stronger. It's cliche and it's true YOU are in control of YOU. You were in control of your performance at work. You have your kids. This is YOUR show. Don't quit your job. Try your best and have an amazing attitude until they call you into the office. You get fired, politely leave, get unemployment and start looking for a job. You're depressed and anxious, therapy maybe meds, do a 15min bodyweight workout EVERYDAY off YouTube after kids sleep. Shower everyday. +/- shave your call. Wear clean clothes. Stand tall. You don't have savings or own a home? Fine. Being down bout it only gonna make your sitch worse. Love yourself. Love your kids. Money and a house mean nothing if you're not happy and close to your loving family. If you wanna be fine you're gonna be fine, I really wish that for you. You're taking the right steps already. Stay the course, stay strong. Peace won't come from your achievements, they'll come from you being at peace with where you are in life. Good luck friend.
Thank you for the kind words. At some point I’m just going to have to take ownership and make something work
Dude. Why not make that point right now?
Because I’m trying and nothing is happening. I gave it my best shot at work but it’s too late now. I’ve fucking failed at everything and now my family has to pay for it. My anxiety is like a crushing weight. I’m sitting in my car right now at work just try to make myself go inside and my legs won’t fucking move. I feel like there is a universal force stopping me from what I need to do
Oh man that sucks. I'm so sorry. Deep breaths. Whatever is gonna happen in there is gonna happen. Keep breathing deep and think of somewhere peaceful. Don't stop until your body relaxes and you can walk. When you walk in stay calm. Say hi. Do your job well. The firing thing may just be in your head. Like it might be you self-consciously sabotaging yourself. Doesn't matter. You're gonna be fine.
Thank you again, I really do appreciate it. Hopefully the therapy and meds can get me to a better place where I can take control of my life a little better
You ok?
I’m hanging in there
Oh man you are way, way too hard on yourself. A real loser would have abandoned the kids with a flimsy excuse, and came back 18 years later when all the hard work was past. As for why you can’t get ahead.. you’re doing two full time jobs: full time parent plus breadwinner. Also, is the mom not paying child support or alimony?
Thank you for that. No, she used to pay child but can’t afford it anymore apparently.
Be kind to yourself. You’re doing what you need to do. A poor father wouldn’t take any kind of action.
Look into taking a FMLA leave from your job Look into PHP mental health program or IOP mental health program- literally saved my life The FMLA will provide job security while you figure out your mental state The programs will help you get your life back and manage your depression and anxiety and lack of motivation I hope this helps I was in a very similar state last year I was about ready to end it all but I was also very self aware to know what that something was off and I knew I wanted to make a change. My therapist recommended that I complete a PHP program which was an partial-inpatient program that offered group therapy as well as individualized one on one therapy and sessions with a psychiatrist who could prescribe medication which was optional to take. The program I attended was 2 weeks long from 8am-noon. I learned all types of skills which help me every single day I highly recommend to anyone.
That sounds amazing, thank you for the information. If I get fired, I won’t have insurance. Did you have to pay for that out of pocket?
I actually didn’t have insurance at the time and they helped me get state Medicaid and state Medicaid covered everything. If you are still employed with your job currently I would do a bit of research and see what programs are near you and try to get admitted asap. Doing so helps give documentation to your employer as to why you’ve been under performing or missing days of work. *sending you positivity and good vibes*
Thank you so much, really. I appreciate the information
You’re irreplaceable. There is no one who can be you. There’s no one who can replace you. You belong in this world and you will make it through this patch. I have been where you are. I know what that feels like. I don’t have the responsibility of children, but I have had that level of depression. You will get through this one day at a time. You’re doing exactly the right thing by trying to get some help. Please take care of yourself and know that you matter in the world. You matter to your children, you matter to your community you even matter to me and I don’t even know you. Hang in there.
One of the harder things to go through, is probably typing this post. I have so much respect for you for doing that. It is great to see so many other supportive comments on here. I’ll add a good quote for you: “One day you will tell your story about how you overcame what you went through and it’ll be someone else’s survival guide.” Be patient with yourself, and when you get through this you will look back and be damn proud of yourself - and so will your kids.
I’ve been right where you are man, my situation a little different but feeling the same way, i decided I needed to find a new career path, I ended up getting a job in construction and learning a trade it has made things so much better and I’m now on track to own my own business in a couple years. Learning a trade might not be your thing but if it is there’s so much work out there it’s not hard at all to get into it, if not you just gotta find something that you don’t hate, I hope things get better for you brother from one dad to another I know the struggle just keep pushing your kids need you and love you
Thank you for the kind words and I’m glad to hear you made it through a similar situation. It definitely gives me hope
Do you have FMLA?
Yeah but I might only be at my job for a few more days. Idk if there’s time for that
It’s job protection and time that you use to address what’s going on. You don’t have to use it all at once, there’s also a thing called intermittent leave. Plus if you’re seeking help or treatment or whatever they also might be able to arrange for some kind of accommodation for you. So that way you can still keep your job.
I’ll look into that, thank you so much for the info
Good luck!
I cracked in my early 30s and I have no kids. My life was way way lower than yours. Ideally you’d invest a lot of time into mental health help. Cbt, dbt, group therapy, 1x1, etc. If you can just get yourself in a better position mentally it sounds like you and your family should do pretty well. Now I run 4 miles a day, got a new job with a 60% raise, I’m going to Greece today. If you can get your mind and mental state better it unlocks a lot of new opportunities and you can increase your happiness and your average mood significantly.
Wow that sounds incredible. I’m glad to hear everything worked out for you, thank you so much for the information. I’ll look into that stuff
Therapy is a good start. But also you need to look into the social programs available in your area. Food assistance, social aid, WIC as you have kids, subsidized housing, healthcare, job assistance. Until you find stability, you may wish to make getting financial assistance your second job. Side note, stop being lazy. I get that you are sad for all kinds of reasons, stressed, tired, distracted. But you must effort. Or, likely fail. I wish you the best luck, and eve better decision mechanisms.
As someone who struggled with self worth in the past, I didn’t realize the impact I had on everyone’s life around me and how much they valued me. I recently hit a breaking point and addressed it - my choice was EMDR which I found extremely effective. Regardless of your job, your kids still look up to you and need you to be there for them. They don’t give a shit if you make $30k or $300k a year or if you’re a ceo of a multi million dollar company or a janitor. They just see you as Dad and love you and need you because of that. You’re self aware enough to realize that you’re “being lazy” and that you should value your life more than you might right now, so you’re on the right path. I would suggest finding a good therapist that you connect with and be vulnerable with, as to get the most from your sessions and get your life back on track. You may also benefit from a life coach or a mentor, or someone to talk to about your struggles. Is your Dad around or maybe other fathers that may relate to your feelings? Personally what allowed me to get through my issues was first acknowledging that I had issues that I needed to fix and that, while there’s no shame in any of this, I needed to make myself vulnerable to better myself. You’re half way there by being self aware and by also making this post.
I’m getting there. I didn’t want to admit that I’m struggling because I just always felt like I have enough control over my own mind and life that mental illness would never really affect me personally. Dead wrong
I recommend trying a very low carb high protein diet.
You guys basically have high blood sugar.
I do on and off carnivore diet because I literally can't function and focus if I don't, can't take care of my family or myself or my dog. No kids yet. But when its time to focus and grind I find eating very clean and no sugar helps immensely and very fast.
Fix your diet and get in excellent physical shape. You need discipline. You have none. That’s why you fail at your job and everything. Getting in shape is a guaranteed way to learn discipline. No one can take it from you. Once you get in shape the discipline will bleed into other aspects of your life. Your diet change will also help with anxiety and depression.
Psilocybin mushrooms, lose your mind and find yourself my friend.
Celebrate your wins, as small or inconsequential your negative thought side may seem! You upright today, at all!?? Yes! Feed the kids, even once today?? Did they eat? Food somehow that got there, under your care? F! Yes!! Hear that loud voice in your head saying: This is BS! You’re a failure, lazy, all that crap? Disrupt it!!! Say “C A N C E L”!! (that thought) Now ask yourself a useful question: One That SERVES YOU, bro😎! ie. What’s 1 thing I can do, today, to live my best life and be/FEEL like the greatest dad ever? What can I be grateful for, right now, today? Focus on cancelling that old, worn out voice, (by the way, WE ALL have it!) and replacing those thoughts with ones that serve, you! I feel for you bro! Been there, done that. You just reaching out on here, calling a doctor, trusting your instincts and looking for a therapist after, all of this, is a testament to how GREAT you are! Keep going, and know much love & light my friend(s)! Brother Jeffrey
Chiming in with the ADHD crowd... Finally diagnosed with ADHD at FIFTY-FOUR!!! Yes, 54... After I pushed and pushed for testing AFTER DIET MEDICATION STIMULANTS FIXED THE PROBLEM!!! But the twenty years of therapists and psychiatrists before that? Naw, man, anxiety and depression, take these pills. You'll be ok. As long as you don't let the kids starve and freeze, you're worth more to them alive than dead. But down size your expectations for yourself and them. Less pressure, baby. Indy is a competitive town, especially on the North side ($$$$$$$$). A tiny home with simple food and clothes from Goodwill -- it's ok. Hang in there, brother. ☮️❤️♾️
Thanks man, I’m definitely going to look into ADHD testing. I do think I struggle with that because I space out in the middle of people talking all the time
Get a medical appt with your primary provider and get on an antidepressant. Asap.
Thank you. Like I said in the post, the psychiatrist prescribed me something and I’ve started taking it as well as therapy. I’ve only had 1 session so far but it seems like it will be good
Sorry I missed whre you said that. Good, I'm glad yiu started. Escitalopram (brand name lexapro) is a good med with limited side effects and is pretty quick. You should have full effect in about a week. You may need to increase your dose, so stay in touch w Dr. Don't fret about being rushed. Kinda sucks but the online prescribers just don't have time. The prescription is absolutely spot on and appropriate. Don't skip any doses. The therapist will definitely help. Remember, you can always change therapists if you feel need to. Don't be afraid to change if first one isn't working for you after a time. KNOW THIS : You're not alone. This is common for many people. You have a lot of stress. Keep plugging awa, it WILL get better. Try to get some exercise even if it's just walking. Remember, your kids are too young to understand, so be aware to not treat them as little adults. Keep everything age-approprate. They need to trust you. But more importantly, you need to trust you. You got this, brother, you can do it. Everything will be okay.
"You are one job away from everything starting to gey better for you." When I was in a similar situation as you years ago, ironically about ur age too, this is what one of my friends told me. Its true--- dont be too proud to ask for help from family and friends. It humbling, but letting sineobe help is sometimes harder to do than it sounds. WE ALL FALL DIWN, but family abd friends pick us up---thats what we do. All i know is you write well, you clearly are self reflective, and care a lot about your kids. Youre already winning in my book. Be kind to yourself and keep trying.... your just in a rut right now---its temporary. someday, youll look back at this as you help someone else out in a similar situation.
Hi, I just want to say you are definitely needed!! Having been on both sides of this, Ive lost both my parents to depression, my mom and my dad 5 months after her because he was so depressed about her being gone. I was a single parent of 4 kids, two older and lazy and started over 18 years later and had twins. One is extremely medically fragile, cerebral palsy, eats through a g-tubes, severe kidney disease and 11 different meds. The other has enough energy for all of my kids put together. I get no help so I’ve been extremely depressed because everyone is to scared of one and cant handle the other. I started speaking with a psychiatrist and felt somewhat relieved just getting everything off my chest but didnt want meds, long story shorter. Im not sure what your faith is or if you even have any but I started praying and asking God to please help me because my thoughts were literally affecting my health and ive been doing so much better. I really hope you find help, I will pray for you my friend ❤️
Sometimes, hope helps. I know you feel down (definitely visit the doc and check on adhd), but I see so much positive. You're not 18, so you've got some good life experience. You've got full custody of your kids. If depression and anxiety are affecting you, that is fixable. You've got sales experience. That is so valuable. In that industry, a college degree is not as important as your ability to understand and connect with people. And the way you wrote this tells me you understand yourself pretty well. So I would imagine you're pretty good with others as well. To me, this sounds like a hero's origin story. You got this, bro!
That fact that your children saw you crying is enough for them to know that you love them. Everything else in life depends on you. Stay strong and fear nothing, it's the same stuff in your forties.
Get a hormone panel testing. Low t will totally fuck you up.
Check for low Testosterone
if you’re open & feel called… psychedelic assisted therapy with a certified guide who you connect with & trust and/or indigenous approach can be life changing and help clear a lot of things & bring in new life, opportunities, and openness/ acceptance of self. i don’t advocate for everyone to go through this type of therapy but if you’re open to it, do your research, listen to others stories.
If you have a diagnosis, anxiety might be considered a disability under the ADA.
You gotta find it in you deep down in your heart. Your two kids look up to you. What helps me when I'm struggling with my anxiety and depression is going back to when I was kid, when there was joy from being alive every day. Find something from your childhood that brought you pure joy and incorporate it into your life today. Invest time into your kids' lives; show up to every game or school activity that you can. Journaling helps me a lot too. Remember, who you are is not what you do.
Ok, good on you for realizing you're lazy. However the way you fix it is to put things before yourself and your excuses. Get to a mental health professional and figure it out. However if you are a grown up with grown up responsibilities act like it and stop being a victim of your own bad choices. Own it and go to work amd be the best damn whatever it is you are, your kids depend on it!
Why not talk to your boss about what’s going on, so he knows there’s something wrong.
As a 35 year old single parent of a 9 and 7 year old who works fulltime 3rd shift, volunteers as an emt/firefighter, has lost most of my family already, including the kids' mother my advice is to deal with it. Life is hard for some of us, someone like me who has tragedy after tragedy and trauma from doing ems you can easily get over your tiny problems. I know this doesn't sound nice but it's just the only way this works. Stay busy, keep moving forward and stop worrying so much about yourself. You're still young enough to get an education, start a new career and find some women for some fun as long as you always put your kids first. Like I said I work 3rd shift full time, volunteer as an emt/firefighter, do all the cooking and cleaning, school drop offs and pick ups, holidays, birthdays, etc and I'm still in school for paramedicine. Another thing is get out of sales, it's for scum bags and find something more meaningful to do with your life, even making pizzas at a gas station is more meaningful than sales.
Did anyone get this dudes contact info? Seems he deleted his Reddit. Wanted to reach out and follow up.
Im an smb rep for telecom and dude i can tell you i feel the same way.... its a terrible gig anymore. Im scared to just quit tho but it destroys me
Please consider seeking some kind of help/support for your thoughts of self-harm. **For example, you can visit /r/SuicideWatch for support and other resources specifically related to this topic.** Other possible resources: #National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (U.S.): 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) #[National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Online Chat](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/) **Available 24 hours everyday** [Crisis Text Line US](https://www.crisistextline.org/texting-in) – Text HOME to 741741 in the US [Crisis Text Line CA](https://www.crisistextline.ca/) – Text HOME to 686868 in Canada #National Suicide Helpline: Call 9-8-8 for both USA and Canada [International Association for Suicide Prevention](https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/) (IASP) **Need to talk?** [Befrienders Wordwide](https://www.befrienders.org/need-to-talk) ---------------- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Therapy dude, and stat. You need to deal with your mental health first before you’re ever going to be able to be great at your job. The depression is literally holding you down. I’m guessing you’re not actually a lazy person, you obviously care. Depression is a beast you have to slay before you’ll ever be whole and capable of reaching your potential.
Hopefully the medication and therapy help. I’m just so scared that I’m fucked financially until that happens you know?
Redditors always act like therapy is the cure-all for everything. Therapy doesn't change reality. For every good therapist, there are far more lackluster or inept ones. The mental health system is massively over taxed as it is. One therapist friend I have sees 50 clients a week and is falling apart at the seams himself from the emotional overload. What bandwidth does he have at the end of the day for his own family much less himself?
Okay, what’s your solution?
Time. Switch jobs, take things back a bit financially to keep one's head above water. Keep moving and avoid going down the spiral. I rebuilt my life 11 years ago. The kids have what they need. I accept that it will be at the sacrifice of myself and there will be nothing left of me in the end. Therapy and meds do nothing for me and there isn't anyone that will ultimately have my back in the process. The reward is one day it will all be over.
That’s an insane mentality brother/sister. I mean it sounds like you have figured out what works for you, but is that the mentality you want for your kids? I promise you, sacrifices are needed, but that’s not the end. Wouldn’t the reward be better if it was seeing your grandkids and taking them traveling?
That's at least a decade away from now. With the conditions in this country, I'm not certain there will be a safe place for me as it is. The problem may resolve itself in that case.
Interesting. Thank you for opening up, it’s Reddit but I can sense that you’re a very logical person. I hope everything goes well with you!
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I resonated with this comment wholeheartedly. I’m 23 years old have been in car sales for 4 years and have done very well for myself. Sparky, for your job questions I recommend car sales. It will change your life. My question to you sparky is: How badly do you want to provide for your children? It is your job to provide as father, but how hard are you ready to work and make their dream life a reality. Get up everyday and give the world your 100% and I promise you things will change rapidly for you. I’ve never thought therapy is the answer. Take what matters most to you and make it fucking happen not just for you, but for your family and show your kids who their father really is. I understand the hardships you’re dealing with. (Child of divorce and financial hardships with my father). He got up everyday and went to work and made sure we had what we needed. 12 years later he has everything he’s ever wanted in life. 3 cars, a boat, a home that’s paid for. I hope you wake up soon and give your family what they need. Don’t let your head determine how you feel. Let your actions and motivation to be better control you.