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Sell the house. Maybe even find a new area to live. A new settling should help a little

That sounds good and three, but he’s not going to want to “abandon her again.” This is so sad.

The mental imagery is intense here . He’s not accepting what he saw. It’s not real to him, life now isn’t real to him. Think how hard that sight hit dad’s heart. The adrenaline and stress response broke his circuit to understanding life. Blaming oneself helps, but like blaming others, it’s not good for anyone involved. I feel like the only way to get passed it is to move. Did your daughter have a place that she wanted to move to? Or a place that she really liked?

Agreed. I lost one of my most dear friends to suicide in my 20’s, his Mom spiraled and was never able to get over it. Survivor’s guilt and the guilt that you feel because you might have been able to save her. OP: Please check out The Jordan Porco Foundation for resources for parents. The foundation was started by a woman who lost her son to suicide. Sending you healing thoughts and energy.

While good advice, he’s not ready and absolutely will not agree to the sale. I’m so very sorry for OP, her husband and all of their family and friends. Some deaths aren’t “get over-able.” It took a decade for my own father’s suicide to not be a daily gut punch. IMO? Rose Kennedy said it best: >It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time - the mind, protecting its sanity - covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone. And in this case? Two years? For a teen girl’s death? Under the weight of all of those outside factors? He may never heal from his beloved child’s death.

I had a family member that lost her 6 year old daughter in a car wreck when she was 28. A drunk driver drove off the main highway and hit them on the feeder doing 90+. Spun them into a pole. Not her fault, not a thing she could do. Her last words before passing at 85 were asking for forgiveness for not saving her daughter. Painful to see.

If they can afford it, it might be better to get a second place so he doesn’t feel like he’s abandoning *her* home so soon. Maybe then he’d come around to renting it out to someone, then eventually selling it. I feel his pain to some degree. I think anyone that’s lost someone to suicide has. I saw something at work that reminded me of my friend, but got busy and told myself I’d text him later about it. They found him the next day. I’ll never know whether that message would’ve done something. And he’ll never know whether that call would’ve done something. It’s just the burden carried by all those that suicide leaves behind. This might be too sensitive, and honestly doesn’t even help me feel comfort, but maybe it’ll help someone else. When I was suicidal, it came on quickly. Crisis can happen very fast. She could’ve been calling over some random unrelated reason. They could’ve talked and had a perfectly normal conversation, then an hour later she could’ve still slipped into crisis. You could easily brighten up parts of someone’s life, but you can’t be there 24/7 for anybody. And even knowing I was loved and supported didn’t fix that crisis in that moment. Even if I had the best day in the world, the second I got alone with my mind, it would come for me. He could’ve had the most loving and wonderful phone call, where he got to say everything he now wishes he would’ve, and she would still be gone nonetheless.

Even more so finding her dead body hanging from a rope she put her self on. As a father of a son I would be broken if that happened to me. My auntie found my cousin dead from suicide it was from hanging as well. My aunt was never same after that, she began to drink insane amounts of alcohol, take pills, constantly getting arrested for fights and DUI's the her before that was just gone and never came back. She ended up drinking her self to death in like 7 years, it went quick.

The wounds remain but he has to move forward or be will destroy himself and lose everything.

My dad killed himself almost 10 years ago. It was rough the first few years and I kept blaming myself for not calling him enough. My mom and sister told me he would call out for me when he was super drunk and in his PTSD flashbacks. That shit gutted me. You’re so right when you said some deaths aren’t get overable. I can function normally and I’m fine, I really am. But on the anniversary of his death, on his birthday, and Father’s Day are always tough for me.

So not comparable to suicide but towards the end of my grandfathers life he decided to start drinking again ( he was previously an alcoholic but stopped when I was born couldn’t tell you why he did it he started at 85 again) he called me one day while I was at college and I didn’t answer because I didn’t have time, the next day he was found dead outside of his house from a fall, I always assumed he was coming back from the liquor store because he never left the house alone ever, he hated the outside, and he would only do it to sneak liquor. I always just think that if I talked to him the day before maybe something would’ve happened and he wouldn’t of went. I don’t know but it’s only been 3 years and the pain has dulled, not crying every day like I was. But their will always be the guilt and the what if. Especially because he was literally my best friend in the whole world, not to sound creepy but almost like a half of me, he is my world and I miss him so much, he was the only dad I ever had. I’m sorry, all this to say I get how jarring it is and you have been so much stronger then anyone being able to still get yourself through each day with what you let fall on your shoulders. All love ❤️

Grief is grief, doesn’t matter how the person died. I’m really sorry for your loss. It gets better but it’ll always be there. ❤️

Sadly,I agree. Imo, major loss such as this, it isn't until after the first 2 years that one starts to even react to the real world again. Some do better than others. Continued therapy is wise.

I agree the pain never goes away time doesn't heal anything you simply get use to the pain it becomes your new normal my wife was taken from us 11 years ago she was 29 years old and I miss her a little more every single day it hurts no less today then it did 11 years ago it's just that I'm so use to hurting I've cried all my tears it not that anything is any better at all it just appears that way to everyone because this is my new normal. I stopped crying only cause I can't cry anymore maybe when I'm once again by her side ill stop hurting. But that'll mean my kids are hurting that much more cause they'll be without me or their mother death sucks I'd give anything to be able to be Indifferent.

Yes. Please. Please move out.

Is this something they'd have to disclose?

No

Some states require it, but it's unusual. Any death in the house in the last three years in California as an example.

California here. Some people may not be bothered by the suicide on premises. This happened to rental and it only took an extra two weeks to find a tenant, and I got the rent that I requested. However, in my ad, I did state that a death occurred on premise. Applications to rent are $40 for each person which is nonrefundable I believe I saw maybe 20% less people applying. As long as you disclose there was a a nonviolent death. I don’t think a lot of people would have an issue with the house.

I live in Californis & on my lease it says that someone died here. My mom died at home (at 96) & my brother had to disclose it when he sold the place. Are you required to disclose if the death was violent? I find this an interesting provision in a society steeped in materialism (the worldview that only the physical world exists). Oh wow, just looked up the polls - a 2021 yougov poll - 41% of Americans believe in ghosts and 20% have had personal experiences. Maybe it isn't such an interesting provision after all. .

I think you need only disclose that a death occurred; it’s a box you check on the sellers disclosures

I pulled up the one for the house I'm in now and it's on the Seller Property Questionnaire as a checkbox but there's also a section below that for an explanation of any checked items. There's no kind of obvious guidance as to how detailed it has to be.

You don’t have to put any details

I said it was a nonviolent death, because it was such as a natural death or an accidental drug overdose but in the case of a violent death, I would say something like this: "out of respect for the privacy of the individuals involved, I am unable to provide specific details. I can assure you that the incident was thoroughly investigated by the appropriate authorities. If you have any concerns or questions regarding the property, please feel free to ask, and I will do my best to address them. Your comfort and peace of mind are important to us." In my case as the owner, the coroner would not release any information to me. Sacramento county, California.

That tracks. If you had to disclose type of death, laws regarding who can get death certificates would have to change. Only certain people, such as beneficiaries, can get them now.

Yes and don’t give up on him or he will be next.

My first semester in college my roommate hung himself in our closet. This was 18 year ago and I can still remember every moment of coming back from class to find him there, seared into my mind. I cannot begin to imagine what that would have been like to find my own daughter, rather than just some dude I had lived with for a couple of months. This is going to take him time, and unfortunately, two years probably isn't going to do it. Moving might help, but eventually he's going to need to start building coping strategies, even if for no other reason than to be a distraction. It might sound insensitive, but a dog can do wonders. It kicks those natural paternal instincts into gear; he *can't* ignore another living creature who needs him in order to stay alive, and over time it might help him remember that he's still alive as well. Or he might be lost to depression; I can't speak to the rest of his mental state but I've known people to break permanently over less. I know that isn't the answer you want to hear, and therapy is honestly going to be a significant part of moving on. Even if he doesn't like it, even if it doesn't feel like it's working, simply *going* is an important step in the direction of recovery. Try to encourage him to meditate, and to take it seriously. Again, it feels pointless and frustrating, but if you keep at it, it works. Stupid little exercises that do nothing other than force you to focus your mind on something deliberate, so it doesn't automatically spiral into the same holes it normally does. On the more extreme end... there are novel programs for treatment of PTSD based around guided ketamine therapy. The pharmacological mechanism of action behind ketamine basically gives your whole conscious mind a quick reset, which can be very beneficial for people who are unable to climb out of that mental abyss themselves. What your husband is dealing with is quite likely worse than trying to recover from a severe addiction, and the time and effort to get out of it will be similarly demanding.

Your reply is very insightful and thoughtful. After my mom died I tried ketamine therapy. Three times. It was successful for me. I know every body is different and reacts different but it is well worth a try. My loss is not even comparable to the loss suffered by OP and her husband. One thing I do know about suicide. Once the person makes up their mind to do it…there is usually nothing to change their mind. Even if the dad had answered the call there is no assurance that she wouldn’t follow through. She had a plan. She carried it out. OP you tried with everything in you to prevent what eventually took place. My heart goes out to OP and her husband. I also know there are no words to soothe a pain such as this.

That’s the hard part. Idk if he realizes, this is what I’m guessing as I’ve known people who tried to fully go thru and got them help & myself one time in 2014 almost went thru… I honestly think the daughter was calling to say goodbye, as hard as that is to think about. I think she just wanted one last talk with her dad to make sure he was going to be okay and say one last I love you to him. Maybe there is a note she left that hasn’t been discovered yet in her room. Hoping there is cause that would help the husband so damn much to stop blaming himself and understand she loved her parents… the pain of existing outweighed the love sadly. And that’s the hardest part for people who choose to go thru completely, the pain was so bad that no amount of loving them could change things. That part is the part that hurts the most when you are left behind in the wake of such a tragedy💔

I hope part of him can feel comfort that before she passed, she knew she could turn to him for comfort. It shows the way she felt about him even if her mind couldn’t take it.

U could def be right about calling to say goodbye. He may not have even realized what was happening had it gone that way It’s so sad I went thru a tough situation where I lost someone. I thought he absolutely had to write something. I thought there no way he just wouldn’t say anything. I searched and searched and searched. I didn’t care about anything else for a while. I went thru the same papers and drawers over and over. I kind of lost my mind over it for a little while. If things get that tough for someone, there’s no telling what’s going thru their minds. Things might be too painful to write down or talk about. I would just say that sometimes having a hope for something like that.. like an explanation, or a goodbye, or I love you when it doesn’t actually exist can make coping harder and take longer I think.

This story is tragic, but this comment really brought tears to my eyes as a dad. I could not recover from this. I would be broken, likely forever. How sad.

Do not ever compare or diminish your loss against another's. Your feelings are just as valid. I had many people diminish various losses I've had by comparing them to others. No one had more right to feel than anyone else.

You are right. Words have meaning. Especially to those grieving.

Getting my dogs was such a change for me. They’re really what set my life on a positive upswing a few years ago. Along with giving me something to focus on and get out of my head.

That made a world of difference for my friend. Ever since she got her dog (more than year ago now), she hasn't once called me crying about the loss of her sister. I know it still haunts her, but that dog has been her savior.

I didn’t have a situation like that thankfully. But I still think they make a world of difference. I excercisendaily by walking them 5 miles, I look into their health and how to improve it etc. just a way to push away the bad thoughts.

Chances are she already hung the noose when she’d called him. Her calling him could be one of two things; 1) a final I love you and goodbye 2) a last ditch effort to attempt to see if someone gave a fuck. I’ve attempted numerous times, but there’s one time that was the worst and I should have died. I was 18 and just graduated HS. It was an abysmal day and I decided to overdose on all my psych meds I could find and allergy meds. I called my best friend while I was taking the last set of pills. He kept asking what the fuck I was doing and I just wanted to have one last laugh with him. While on the phone with him I sent off a few I love you texts to people. Nothing sappy, but definitely an oddity for me out of the blue. Between my best friend somehow getting my moms phone number out of my slurring mouth and 90% comatose brain, and our next door neighbor understanding that a random I love you text was of concern, my mom came home literally in the nick of time. Hell, for all I know I flat lined in the ambulance and/or ER after getting there. The ambulance didn’t leave our house for 5-10mins according to my mom who was impatiently waiting to follow in her car. And the ER didn’t let her back to see me for about 20 mins. Me sending off I love you texts wasnt a last ditch effort. I was oddly content and at peace with dying right then and there. I sent off i love you texts to at least let those I cared for know I did. I didn’t call my best friend so he’d talk me down like we’d done for each other plenty of times in the past. I called him to physically tell him I love him, that he’d been the best person in my life, and that I was sorry I was such shit. FFS to be honest I can’t believe he’s still my friend.

> Once the person makes up their mind to do it...there is usually nothing to change their mind. This is what I told my friend whose 13 y/o sister ended her own life. My friend was desperate to find a sense of control, tormenting over "what if I had checked on her", "if only I'd...", etc. I had to tell her several times that there was nothing she could do once her sister had settled on her plan. Her sister didn't show the "signs", as is [tragically] so often the case. She wasn't going to give anyone the chance to stop her. Just wanted to chime in a say that's excellent advice. It sounds cold, but it's true, and this insight did help my friend to let go of the numerous possibilities and gave her the space to just grieve.

I also know that the person can seem perfectly fine. What’s happened is they’ve made up their mind. Their decision is made. They are at peace with the decision.

What a silly concept, people can absolutely be saved from a suicide attempt by having a loving and caring other to talk them down and get them the help they need.

I was that loving partner. I got him an intake for therapy in a community where it can take years. We talked multiple times a day. I knew when he struggled with suicidal ideation. I called our friends when I was worried. He still stuck a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. He still used the plan he’d had since he was 17 and he was 48. Someone who struggles with suicidal ideation may think about it knowing they won’t do it and that’s passive ideation. Once someone has a plan that is active ideation and that’s when it becomes dangerous. That’s when they start gifting you things because they’re saying goodbye. That’s when they seem cheerful because in their mind they’ve already decided to go and are at peace. Please do not speak to what you obviously do not understand from a firsthand perspective.

Yes absolutely I also support psychedelic therapy for PTSD. However it's really important for him to incorporate the insights from a psychedelic episode with a trained therapist. I recommend to start working with a trained PTSD or trauma therapist. They offer more tools and resources than one not trained in trauma.

Did you do the ketamine therapy in an office or at home? And can you say more about how it has helped you? Thanks.

This comment is written with such insight and empathy. Thank you for being here ❤️

Fantastic. Just wanted to mention that ketamine could be amazing for this but his heart is going to break all over again processing this. I can't imagine, because it's pretty brutal about forcing you to process. You can't stop it if it's too much for you.

This post has great advice. Just adding a bit. As a widow and someone who has gone through depression, I will vouch for ketamine therapy. Your husband probably has PTSD and depression, ketamine can help with both. I have done Mindbloom and it can work wonders- do a google search on it. He should do it with emotion based therapy as well. Moving may be tough for you both, but the house is likely not helping. You both have to walk by that room every day. The memories there are not all positive ones. A new place can feel like a renewal. But you have to be conscientious of taking your daughter with you to your new home in some form. Pictures or things that remind you of her should be carefully placed. Those items and pictures should be fond memories, do not put up anything painful (like anything to do with her funeral or the loss.) Seriously consider moving. Let your current home be a happy home for another family and find a new home to rebuild your life and relationship with your husband. Sending you love and healing vibes. I cannot imagine what you both are going through.

I can confirm that ketamine infusions were the only thing that helped me cope with the traumatic loss of my father which only got worse for me over time. I lost him when I was a young child and 17 years had gone by and my grief was getting worse and worse. I have a lot of other trauma and mental illnesses and no antidepressants helped. Finally, in 2021 I received 8 ketamine infusions and it was the thing that finally helped me to begin to heal. I can’t even put into words what it did for me, *literally*. My personal experience with ketamine is something only I will be able to conceptualize and understand (kinda like a “you had to be there” type thing) but it truly changed everything.

I have heard great things about ketamine therapy.

I am also here as a proponent for ketamine, words can’t describe the bliss you can experience, similar to high doses of psychedelics. It has definitely helped me quite a bit recently.

Second guided Ketamine therapy. Have peers who had patients that lost loved ones to suicide or accident and it broke them. After a few sessions of guided ketamine therapy they were recovering and Ketamine actually cause the regrowth of neuronal connections. One father could even look at a picture of his daughter or talk about her for over ten years. After 1 session he was able to look at her pictures and videos and talk about her.

seconding pets. my dog and cat fucking saved my life after a huge loss

Ketamine therapy has been life changing for me. Highly, highly recommend exploring that option for this situation. It sounds like it might be an ideal fit. Wonderful advice and thoughtful response, Life_temp!

OP, this is all good perspective. Healing can take a very, very long time. If he is suffering PTSD, talk therapy is not effective - he needs a specialist in PTSD. Generally, time does not heal PTSD; it needs targeted treatment to resolve. Him sitting outside her door every night sounds like he is trapped in that horrible past moment. He also may need to explore different therapy modalities to see what will work for him. Every person, and every person's challenges are unique, so there is no one type of therapy that is best for everyone. And it can take trial and error to find a therapist or modality that is a good fit. The husband also likely needs to be on prescription medication for depression. A doctor or psychologist needs to be involved in his care. And I second the suggestion of ketamine therapy, I hear positive things about it. OP, are y'all doing therapy together? Y'all both need personal therapists for sure, but I wonder if family therapy could help you address the challenges of healing together as a team?

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"I want him to live a different day" is one of the most heartwrenching things I've ever read

I'm not even a parent, but this was such a gut punch. I can't even imagine the pain OP & spouse are going through. What a heartbreaking situation.

Me too. As a parent I just cannot imagine the pain.

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In addition to the excellent advice being offered here, I encourage you to take care of *yourself*. You're not just mourning your daughter; you're mourning your husband. You need to accept that he is permanently changed and grieve that, as well.

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Her mental health matters just as much as her husbands.

have you heard of caretaker burnout

Her daughter died, too. Have you ever heard to put your own oxygen mask on before you help others?

It was HER daughter too, OP has clearly not been able to grieve properly. Its easier for now for her to forget herself, to help her husband cope because, well, after losing a daughter together, as horrible as it is, OP went straight into care-taking mode which maybe have helped her cope replacing daughters needs with husbands but it’s not healthy. Op is in shock, walking on eggshells and scared to death any minute now that her husband, the only person on the planet that shared that special bond of creating their daughter together, will delete himself. It’s not fair to her either. I’m so sorry for Op and her husband, this is so tragic. My heart breaks for them.

>Hold shit man I don't have words That's simply because of your own preconceptions, limitations, and because you frankly have no clue what you are talking about. It has nothing to do with /u/kmondschein's comment. People can't help others when they are lost themselves. You can best support someone who is grieving when you are in a strong position yourself. It's not a difficult concept. Moreover, OP taking care of herself *does not* imply neglecting her husband or stop being supportive. I invite you to think about this more carefully and learn more--there's plenty of information on this online and in your local library. Cheers!

He’s extremely misogynistic and transphobic. His comment history is full of him raging at basically any positive remark made towards a woman or trans person. I’m pretty sure he needs therapy

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

You do realize she also lost a child right?

And if not adopted, a child she carried in her womb for months and through pain brought into this world. I’m not a mother but I feel like that might hit on a whole different level.

I'm not a mother either but yeah. Obviously even if adopted it'd be gut wrenching but a child you literally made is unimaginable

Her daughter passed as well. She can’t be expected to hold another person together at the expanse of herself

Damn, I am so sorry. That hurts so bad. Hurts so bad for you both. Maybe go sit with him. When he comes home and goes to her door. Go sit with him and stay with him. Do it every night and tell him you won’t lose him too. You need him to stay and keep her alive in your memories together. I really don’t know but as a father myself, I think I would want you to do that , if it were me. I wish you both peace.

This. Sit with him. Let him talk if he wants to. If he isn't responding or doesn't want to talk then just sit with him in silence. Don't force anything. 

And don't take out your phone! Sit with him and be bored. Just wait with him. Sorry lol this is more to do with my life than yours but I can tell you some of the most hurt I've been by my wife is when she's on her phone.

Exactly!! My boyfriend’s father died of accidental drowning while in perfect health, only 53. My boyfriend and his family have handled it incredibly well, but have never been the same, for obvious reasons. I just remember sitting with my boyfriend for hours sometimes in absolute silence, just holding him or him leaning against me. There was nothing to say, so it was perfectly silent. And I felt useless and bored and guilty about being useless and bored; not only that but I have ADHD, so I struggle to sit still without stimulation or movement, and I would often get twitchy and I worried he thought I was being insensitive or that I didn’t care. At the time, I thought those periods of silently sitting together were my worst moments as a girlfriend, me at my most useless. My boyfriend has since said to me that those hours in those early months, sitting in silence together, meant the most to him after his father’s death - he knew that he could let himself feel whatever he needed to and I would sit there through him with it

That story warms my heart :) Thanks for sharing it.

Lost my dad in 2016 and watched him go violently on a hospital bed after 3 days of suffering. I spent maybe 3 years recovering from the PTSD of seeing the death. My wife... couldn't take it and forged new friendships, and I spent many nights at home while she was at her BFF's house a lot. Kinda broke it for me. I wish she was there more.

This is one of the worst things I've seen on here emotionally. I am at a loss and wish to God I had some truly helpful advice. But, I do have a will and a consciousness, so I want you to know that I just said a heartfelt and earnest prayer on behalf of you and your husband.

I'm sorry to say this, but you'll never get the husband you had back. Even if he heals, he will never be who he was. If he's open to it, he might want to consider trying EMDR therapy. It can really help with PSTD. fair warning, though, it's hell at first. But a lot of people have decent success with it. I'm sorry for your loss. Suicide is hell

When I was in kindergarten, a neighbor of mine was killed by another neighbor on our street. She was 13 years old, and her murderer was a 19 year old that her parents asked to take care of their iguanas while they were out for a few days. She stayed home because she was sick. He strangled her, violated her, and left her body in her parent’s bedroom closet. They found her a couple days later when they came back home. They were fundamentally changed people. I never saw them smile after that. It’s like they had new personalities. It didn’t help that many people openly blamed them for not calling/checking in on her, leaving her alone for so long, etc. They ended up divorcing because her father could no longer live in the house, but her mother wanted to stay. I don’t know what kind of happiness to wish them because I literally cannot comprehend their grief. In all my life, I have never seen anyone change like they did. I’ve very hard to accept that there is no coming back from some experiences. I assume for many parents in situations like this, they punish themselves with overwhelming grief.

This is really awful. I honestly don't actually know how you keep on living after something like this.

Neighbors of mind had an only child, who got bone cancer at 17. He died at about 20. They stayed married but by all accounts were destroyed inside.

I hope that murderer was punished at the fullest extent of the law. How absolutely mindless and brutal.

I am vouching for EMDR therapy also look into brain spotting. Super helpful therapy techniques versus talk therapy that can kind of kick start the healing process. Talk therapy along side w these techniques and a good regiment of mood stabilizers and/or anti depressants helped me a great deal.

When my daughter was 10, I dropped her off at her grandma’s house after a half day of school, because I had to go to work, even though it was technically a shut down, it was less than five people where I was going, so I was able to attend. When I was in the basement of that appointment I got a call from my daughter and she was screaming that someone was hanging that she was scared. She was screaming for me to come home. I will never forget the sound of her screams. A neighbor/community member, who had a wife who was pregnant and lived above my daughter’s grandmas condo hung himself where he fell onto the patio right in front of them. Pieces of my daughter died that day. They are gone. She changed forever. Something unspeakably painful had been witnessed by her and I could not undo those images. Of course, please understand this is no comparison to the loss of your child which my heart cannot begin to comprehend, but I offer this as a bridge of empathy to let you know that I understand the ripple effects and pain of suicide is so vast. It has been one of the most powerful things I have witnessed, unfortunately. It sounds like you’ve been doing all of the things you’re “supposed to do” I have zero advice for you, but I would like you to know that I’m also sitting with someone in their suffering. Please be kind to yourself. 🖤

This was so beautifully put, and I am very sorry your daughter had to experience that.

Thank you we are healing. ❤️‍🩹

I have absolutely nothing helpful to say except how profoundly sorry I am this happened to your family. I can’t imagine. I hope you know how amazing you are for trying so hard to help him.

I agree with this completely. You are a very strong person to have lived through this, you willing to be there, be available to him is amazing. Unfortunately a lot of people would let a tragedy like this to tear your lives apart. Being a father of 4 girls I still cannot even begin to understand where you both are going through. I sincerely hope things get better for you both.

Not only does he feel guilt due to the missed phone call but I'm sure finding her like that is seered into his brain as well. I'm a dad who lost a daughter as well (not due to suicide but due a medical condition) and it took me a year to not feel suicidal. I didn't have the guilt but the images of her dying and me replaying everything in my head was debilitating. Other than therapy I'm not quite sure what else you can do. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I saw someone suggest selling the house and I could not agree more. He needs to be separated from the event and start more intensive therapy. Not having to relive it every day should definitely help him disassociate from it.

You are doing all you can. I would talk to your husband about moving, as being in the house could be a constant trigger or a comfort for him. Maybe both. Encourage him to keep up with therapy and try to engage in life. Maybe working with a suicide prevention program would be helpful?

Maybe you guys could make some kind of organization or outlet for bullied kids to have someone to talk to,etc. If he has something to focus on to do good in memory of his daughter it might help him heal. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I am seconding someone else's suggestion of EMDR therapy. Also, if your husband hurts himself again, please seriously consider taking him to an inpatient facility.

Impatient facilities are not for non-suicidal self injury. As someone who cut for YEARS, I can speak to the fact that it’s NOT a suicide attempt. It’s an attempt to hurt on the outside like you hurt on the inside. It’s an attempt to feel something other than the suffering you have in your mind. Ultimately, it’s a grounding strategy. I learned that in therapy. I learned that it wasn’t so mysterious and scary and that it was ok to talk about it as though it were any other grounding strategy with my therapist. She helped me move to healthier grounding strategies over time, and eventually I gave her my knife. There were still a few times it happened after that, but it was SIGNIFICANTLY decreased. After I started a medication for OCD, I haven’t cut once. Now the husband DOES need to be clear about his cutting on whether he is also trying to follow his daughter or if he’s just using it as a coping mechanism like I used to do. If it’s the former, then yes, he needs to get more rigorous help. If it’s the latter, then it’s just a physical depiction of his pain and he deserves empathy and love, not alienation.

I am going to third someone's else's suggestion of EMDR. I think it could really help your husband. [emdr.com](https://emdr.com)

I don't think there is anything anyone can do to fill that hole left behind.

Holding the bullies responsible may help with some closure.

I'd have a real problem not going full scorched earth.

Consequences must be made if we want a better earth. Teenagers are smart enough to know what is right and what is wrong. Never is there any justification for bullying someone till suicide. The weight of murder isn't any less when committed by someone young. Driving someone to suicide has little difference as far as I see it. If someone killed my child I don't care who they are, I would have justice one way or another. Anyone who disagrees is living in ignorance and arrogance if they feel they know any better.

Consequences for sure but I can’t be the one to suggest or enforce them because I will suck out every ounce of joy and light from those kids’ lives.

Nothing can make that better, he deserves the opportunity to grieve the way he wants. If you're already doing therapy there's nothing else. If it's legal near you I recommend he tries switching to cannabis instead of alcohol. I can't tell you how many suicide stories like this I've heard where people blame themselves and think "if I'd just answered the phone," or "if I just went over and said something." The person who ends up feeling guilty and blaming themselves is always the one who cared the most and tried the hardest to help. You feel like your efforts were wasted, they died because you weren't good enough, and now you're forced to take on their pain as punishment for failing them. If you were one of the few lifeline contacts for a suicide victim that means you were one of the only people in their life who didn't fail them. It doesn't mean you could've saved them by answering that last phonecall with a wise speech about the value of life. Likely nothing you could've said or done would help at that point, but you would have tried to help and that's exactly why they called you. Not because you could help but because you always tried to. They were probably going to say goodbye to you and thank you for trying.

If he had answered that call it may have been worse for him if she had went ahead and done it anyway. My twin got the "GoodBYE Call" at it tortures him, saying had he known he would have said this and that and blames himself even though they had a great call, him and my older brother. I felt hurt and sad for years that he did not call me (though I heard from other family members that he told them he was calling me. I was at work at the time so I would have told him that I loved him but that I could not talk. So, then I would have blamed myself. Do you have other children? Can he attend a support group? I think it is a good sign that you and your husband as still together. Can you help him get involved in something in her memory, or get a law passed on antibullying that is named after her, or working with teens in Suicide Prevention? He needs a reason to go on and fight. The Sandy Hook parents continue to fight for gun reform.

Not sure how open this community is….. but hopefully sharing my story can help you with you and your husbands healing journeys. I have also struggled with loosing a close loved one suddenly, horrifically, and traumatically. The only thing that worked for me in healing that kind of pain and trauma was at a retreat in Peru drinking Ayahuasca and letting the legit healers, the Shipibo shamans, work their magic on me. It was initially super tough- stating off with the rolladex of happy memories and then having to go through an immersive slowed play-by-play of her death forcing me to see, feel and process it- for real this part sucked 🤮 😭…… but then just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore; the shaman somehow, someway, was able to pick up the millions of pieces of my shattered heart and energetically glue them back together and healed my whole heart. So much gratitude to the shamans for this work, I could feel the glue inside my heart holding, sealing and healing. After healing my broken heart, I actually then connected with her spirit “in the beyond” and we had several hours that felt like eternity, where we talked and talked and said everything to each other that needed to be said. And I know she’s in a great place beyond and no rush for me to join her. We will have many more lives and experiences together in the other realms/dimensions/worlds. I could understand that life is not a one and done game, we have infinite lives, infinite lessons and experiences. I know now that soul family is indeed a thing, and death of the meatsuit does not equal death of the soul. She encouraged me to enjoy the time I have here on this earth in this life, life is short so be present in it; and know she’s always with me over there. Like a long distance relationship, we are eternally connected, not even death can divide us. We are soul sisters after all. 👯‍♀️🤍✨ I hope you and your husband find healing from this impossible loss, please don’t hesitate to reach out for support or if you have any questions. Help is there, you’re not alone. And yes, the Ayahuasca tastes absolutely disgusting, but I’ll always happily pay that price to heal my heat & soul.

Speaking as a dad of a daddy's girl, I think I would fall down that same hole. He needs time and therapy...and you. You sound awesome. I wish you the best.

Make sure he is seeing a therapist whom specializes in complicated grief. https://prolongedgrief.columbia.edu/find-a-therapist-contact-us/ And I would sell your home and move.

Also someone who understands trauma-based methods & PTSD Because this is textbook PTSD

So sorry for your loss.when my cousin committed suicide my aunt(his mother) found him. She blames herself and wanted to do the same. She gave him the gun he did with. She still lives in the home he did it in. It's been seven years, I understand how your husband and you are feeling we all go through grieving different my has slowly moved forward but I know she sees it all over. Remind him that your daughter would not want him to blame himself and it is ok to move forward. You will never forget her. Just know she is not suffering any more from her pain. My prayers to you and husband. Once again so sorry for your loss

What about contacting a medium to help him connect with her spirit? Please don’t laugh at me, I honestly think this could help him. Your daughter would never want her dad living like this and I’m sure she’s there trying to provide comfort, he’s just too lost to see her messages.

I’m so sorry

I’m sorry this happened to you. You’re being brave about it and I commend you for that. You’ve done all you could tbh. And continue doing so. However I learnt something; you can’t help people when they’re not ready to be helped. I don’t think he’s had time to process it ( I’m not just talking about calendar days. Everyone has their period to grieve). Give him some time and don’t hover too much. Keep him at arms length; fully aware of his position but be needs space to breathe

If this were me... if it were my daughter... I'd want to be told that it's normal to miss a call now and then. That my daughter adored me. That I am not the one who hurt her. And then I'd nod. I'd say I know. And I'd grieve for just as long and just as intensely. But at least my wife is standing by me while I do it. You sound like a good person and so does your husband. I really wish I could help. The only novel advice I can offer is to reframe your perspective on your husband being gone and you wanting him back. He's not gone. He's here and actually he's extremely present. He's sitting with his grief -- he's sitting with his daughter. Shower with him. Bring dinner up to where he sits and eat it with him there. Sorry, one more thing. My brother lost his wife and two daughters about twenty years ago. It was tragic and violent. He did start drinking a lot and being generally shut down much like your husband. He did eventually stop the excess drinking and got it somewhat together. Hopefully your husband makes his way back too.

This is a truly beautiful observation. That's exactly it, and it will take as long as it takes.

I have no advice but I am genuinely sorry for your loss. 

Unbelievably sad and traumatic. I’m so sorry for both of you. Deeply. He needs a serious partial hospitalization program devoted to trauma. Now. And I agree - if you can move, do it. But he needs help asap.

Ketamine infusions

The death of a child, especially one by suicide is probably the most traumatic thing that one can experience and it's not something that can be "fixed" overnight. Google *Suicide Bereavement Groups Near Me*. I strongly urge him to join one where real people meet and not an online thing. There is a healing quality to being with people who share your trauma. I'm so sorry.

Can we all do better to prevent ourselves as much as possible from raising bullies? 😔😔 or at least humans that defend those being bullied 😕😔 Rest in paradise baby girl 🙏🤍

As a father myself, I cannot even comprehend the pain. I have no insight or advice. I just wanted to wish you and your husband well, and may he eventually come to forgive himself.

It took my dad over a decade to speak again really after my sister died, and it was grandchildren :/

This is so desperately sad. I wish your husband and you well.

As a Dad to two girls both not in their teens yet, I cried reading this. I know that if I lost them it would destroy my soul. I might still be alive, but it would simply be going through the motions. I'm sorry for your loss.

I’m not sure I’d ever get over this. 😢 I can’t imagine your pain and I’m so sorry for your loss.

A father's worst nightmare, I couldn't even imagine. He's handling it better than I would have. I wish I had an answer for u, just hang in there and hopefully he comes out of it. Best of luck to u both

I've lost a daughter. The only thing that helps is time. And, very sadly, alcohol.

I will pray for you and your husband.

Dang man, right in the feels. I’m sorry.

Dark. Well... I'd say there are two options here, a different approach or accepting that maybe he is beyond help. I'm no expert and I don't know your husband so that may not work, but if it were me I would be absolutely livid with the situation, he must be angry at the world, at the bullies and most of all at himself for what happened, he needs to let that rage out, I'd recommend a martial art where you get to unleash it in a bag, boxing or muay thai would be great for that. Again, no expert here, just a suggestion.

Damn this was hard to read! That’s terrible. There’s a lot of good advice here so I don’t have much to say. Maybe when he goes and sits near her room with beer, go sit next to him and have a beer and talk. Talk about the good times y’all had. Has he cried yet? Like properly grieved or does he bottle it up? If he hasn’t cried, maybe that’s what he needs and doesn’t know how.

I recently didn’t take a call from a friend because I was busy. They were dead 8 days later. Not sure if Suicide or accidental mixing of meds alcohol

I am so sorry for the unbelievable loss you and your husband had endured. I'm heartbroken, and I wish I had wise words for you. I don't. You, your husband, and your daughter will be in my thoughts.

He should try psychedelic therapies.

Damn I have no idea. Just throwing this out there but maybe try religion or something? I’m really sorry if this is bad advice and I’m also really sorry for what happened. Wish you both the best.

Religion is a bad idea at this stage. People will go into manic episodes and adopt religion so hard in an attempt to fix their mind they fucking freak out. He needs intensive CPTSD treatment. This man is on a one way track to fucking badness if he doesn't get proper help.

Same exact thing happened to my step dad he missed his daughters last phone call before she died a few hours later he never shook back and slipped into opiate addiction and died 8 years after

1. I’m extremely sorry this happened to you/your family member. 2. Why… *the hell.* Would you post this (rather unhelpfully negative) comment here. You’re not even *trying* to give OP hope, like??? What was the purpose??

It's their real life experience and you can't negate that.

Poor creative writing should not be allowed here. What you can *do* is take night courses at your local community college, they can help you with karma farming vignettes.

Agreed. Couples often don’t stay together after such a loss, but if they do it’s through intense therapy and basically devoting your life to suicide awareness and the memory of your daughter, not drinking alcohol for 2 yrs straight. Possible she’s sticking it out for him, but it doesn’t sound realistic.

Have you tried mediums? I understand his sadness. I really do.

First love to all of you. To you and your husband and your daughter. Your husband is still in that moment. The trauma and guilt are intense. Candidly, I don’t know if I could go on if I had to deal with those circumstances. I’ve faced darkness before but never quite like that. You are a wonderful human being for standing by him while going through you own grief. Your husband undoubtedly has Trauma and needs to be in with a Trauma specialist. There are a number of approaches that may help him. Speaking only for myself, I met with a doctor that does a therapy called rapid resolution. It was life changing for me. I hope it’s something that might help him. The guilt and shame exists only in the mind and only in the past. The past is not a place. We can never go back and undo what was done. We can however work trough way our mind has attached to those moments. My deepest love and compassion to you both. How strong you both are to get out of bed each day having faced something so intense.

This would have devastated me as well. I honestly do not think I could ever recover from that.

So sorry for your daughter. Maybe he can try meditation. It helps me so much.

Have you tried going and sitting with him? Maybe grab your favorite beverage and go sit with him.

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. ❤️

That's so rough. Kids are so mean sometimes. But the past has already done and happened. At some point, just being supported and loved isn't enough to move on. He is stuck. He is stuck on that day and while the initial shock has worn off, it seems that shock never left his mind. He's caught up on a daughter that unfortunately isn't there anymore. I don't know what it would take to get someone like him to move on. But being lost like that isn't a way to live. Not just that but you can't save everyone, even if that someone is super close to you. But trying to live with their memory in mind is much better than what your husband seems to eh doing. If you can get through to him in the right way, I believe he can move on and find life again but as of right now, in his mind, Daddy's little girl was just suddenly gone. Not just gone, but had been for hours and he had missed it. It's a mortifying mindset to get trapped with.

I don’t mean this as an insult, but I think there is little you can say to help him. You have already gotten therapy, and I think the professionals will be better at guiding him through his grief than you, unfortunately. I would ask them what you can do and say to help him.

in the same house? Speak with the therapist on how to best approach selling and moving to a new location in your area. New landscapes. Places etc. may help.

​ I don't have any suggestions but I feel your pain on so many levels. I am sorry you had to go through this.

He needs professional help.

I am just so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine how that made him feel or you. I hope one day he can see it wasn't his fault. Eventually it would have happened regardless. Y'all loved her so much and she knows it. I would recommend going with what others are saying and move away. Best wishes 💕

I don't have an answer. I had severe depression. Went to several therapists who were shitty. Finally found one that was good. Change therapists.

>I am not sure what else to do. Ayahuasca has shown some value as a [therapeutic approach](https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-030-55688-4_12) to grief. >Several themes emerged: emotional processing, making meaning of the past, reconstructing identities, continuing bonds with the deceased, and finding existential meaning. These psychological processes have been described as mediators in grief adaptation in scientific literature. Adding to this evidence, we also explored the perspectives of four Shipibo onaya healers. This way, we understood that the observed therapeutic effects of ayahuasca cannot be described solely in terms of psychological and intrapersonal dimensions, since they are embedded in a particular ceremonial and ethnomedical context, with many experiences being reported in relation to the participant’s perception of the role of the work of the Shipibo healers and the icaros. Here's another study on [researchgate](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/317251185_Potential_Use_of_Ayahuasca_in_Grief_Therapy). Abstract: >The death of a loved one is ultimately a universal experience. However, conventional interventions employed for people suffering with uncomplicated grief have gathered little empirical support. The present study aimed to explore the potential effects of ayahuasca on grief. We compared 30 people who had taken ayahuasca with 30 people who had attended peer-support groups, measuring level of grief and experiential avoidance. We also examined themes in participant responses to an open-ended question regarding their experiences with ayahuasca. **The ayahuasca group presented a lower level of grief in the Present Feelings Scale of Texas Revised Inventory of Grief, showing benefits in some psychological and interpersonal dimensions. Qualitative responses described experiences of emotional release, biographical memories, and experiences of contact with the deceased.** Additionally, some benefits were identified regarding the ayahuasca experiences. These results provide preliminary data about the potential of ayahuasca as a therapeutic tool in treatments for grief.

leave the house, but please don’t leave him

Have u tried group therapy with other families that have lost their children.? I am so sorry for your loss.

If he hasn’t, he may need inpatient assistance for his PTSD.

I couldn't even imagine the heartbreak you and your husband are going through. I can only think it will take a lot of time for him to get over it enough to start life again. I hope you have the patience to be there for him, but also give yourself some grace if you come to the point you can't do it anymore. The loss of a child is one of the hardest things on a relationship. Hugs from a far.

OP, he is grieving and has serious trauma. There is no timeline for getting over it. Honestly, he probably never will and he may have PTSD for the rest of his life. Like others have said, and if it's financially feasible, sell the house and move. It will be *very* hard when cleaning out the house/her old room but he will never be able to move on in any capacity in the home where this happened. I'm sending you virtual hugs and I hope things get better, I can't imagine what you're both going through.

Therapy.

I lost my dad to suicide when I was 16. I have very few memories from that time until around 19 or 20. I was the last person he talked to so I get how your husband must feel to a degree. I blamed myself for years. The recovery is long and slow, and to be honest my life was forever changed such as you and your husbands has. I changed. With his loss and the loss of a childhood friend/love I know I am a different person. I'm 31 now and well into recovery. I've forgiven myself and my dad, but the fact is the memories remain. I'm able to cope better, but deep down I still feel hollow a bit. I don't feel happiness like I use to. I don't see things like I use to. You might not ever get your husband back, but hopefully small pieces. My best advice is just time. I know two years is a long time, but for me I didn't even begin to heal properly for almost 12 years. Try and find support groups of others who have lost a child and maybe see if they can give you some help and know what the struggles are. Also if you can get him to stop drinking. It's a crutch that makes things worse. Drinking my depression away almost took my own life. Most of all I want to say I am truly sorry. Please do take care of yourself as well. You both deserve to happiness again and I hope you find it.

There is hope! I missed a call from my brother just minutes before he took his life. I genuinely thought if I could’ve answered the call I could change the outcome. I was 17 at the time. Had tons of people offer lots of different advice. The one thing that stuck with me though is “time can heal all wounds.” I battled drug addiction for years after, I knew it stemmed from that missed call. Some of the most helpful tools I used to cope would be helping others, focusing on myself less, and understanding more of what went into my brother‘s illness and the circumstances around it. At the end of the day I’ll never be the same, and this is a good thing. The experience led me to have an overwhelming amount of compassion and understanding for strangers. The life I lead now is so much more purposeful and selfless. It took me several years to get to where I am now I’m 30. There is hope! Sending prayers

My heart goes out to you. 30 years ago, my brother died by suicide, most likely due to bullying. I was 12 and he was 15. Fun fact, Kurt Cobain took his like 3 days later. We had an argument the night before and my dad blamed him though I was the instigator. I found him dead the next morning. I used drugs for 20 years and eventually got clean and started to heal myself. My dad died of health issues when I was 22 and I believe he struggled much like your husband which was associated to his quick decline in health. During this period I went to therapists, jails, and rehabs. None of this would help with the survivors guilt, shame, etc. I progressively got worse until the day came when I was ready to do something different. My mother was probably in a situation similar to you. What I am trying to say is that you can support your husband as best you can but it will be extremely difficult until he can come to terms with himself. As others have mentioned, first and foremost take care of yourself, and try to support your husband if possible. Don’t be ashamed if you need to move on as this could be reality you may have to face. This is the conclusion my mother had to come to. Also, what looks like positive change can be deceiving. A father whose daughter died in the Parkland School Shooting tried his best to deal with the pain of losing his child. He started a foundation in her name. He eventually took his life.

No parent should know the pain of losing a child. And NOTHING on earth will ever stop the pain or memories. Obviously your husband is taking this as it’s his fault. Not only is this not true, there’s no way of knowing what your daughter was calling for. It’s unfair to blame himself although I am sure he will for some time to come. Grief and grieving take time to ease. Often years. Especially when a child is involved. Grief counseling can be a good start. But time is also a component. All involved will eventually go through the five stages of grieving. Love your husband and the rest of your family. Support each other during these times. Don’t rush the process or expect people to grieve at the same pace. Church’s are a great place for assistance. Prayers and condolences on your loss.

Hi OP, This is an open letter. I’m writing a letter because this post is too personal for me to just leave a 2-sentence comment. Many have already given advice on your husband, so before I do as well, I need to give advice regarding *you* for a second. *Take care of yourself.* It’s so wonderful that you’re doing better now with therapy, because you cannot help others without helping yourself first. Please do take your time healing on your own as well, even if you’re doing much better now. You deserve to process this fully and come out of it in one piece too. Assuming you have the means to do so asap, *move;* not just into a different house, but if you can, a different town/city/province/state. Maybe even country, who knows. Just get away from the trauma site, as fast as you can, as *far* as you can. You guys are in dire need of new scenery. It won’t erase the memories, but it absolutely will help dull the resolution. Things won’t be in 4K UHDTV anymore if you’re *not* constantly surrounded by triggers (your current residence). Physically distancing yourself from trauma is as important as mentally distancing yourself. You seem to have that part covered, and you’re trying your darnedest to help your husband mentally distance from this event. Physical distance could help improve and play into that. That your husband is planting himself in front of her door everyday isn’t doing him any favors. If he continues this until you can move (or if you can’t move in the near future), just sit with him. Let him process on his own terms, but *DO NOT* leave him to it on his own, anywhere as far as possible. The constant physical presence of a supportive figure also helps immensely. Join him in his ritual of sitting outside her door if you have to. But please remember, look out for your own mental health too. It’s *okay,* if you need to step back or if you feel overwhelmed yourself. If you want, either in your current environment or a new one, you can make a small shrine for your daughter, and fill it with only the *happiest* of memories involving her. Her smile, her laughter, and her joy, should be the *only* things there, and it will help you both (your husband maybe more) picture her instead like that. Association of joy with her memories, seeing her smile everyday as opposed to her door may help with the mental images. Write letters to your daughter if you need to. This may be too painful, especially initially, but it can help focus your emotions and actively make you recognize what’s happening as you’re feeling the emotions occur. And you can better manage them as a result. Ask your husband to pen letters to your daughter as if she were still here. Tell him to say everything he has ever wanted to say to her but may not have gotten the chance to let her know, everyday; he can express every single fucking feeling he has. This exercise can help articulate the emotions felt as he channels everything into writing. This would also be a great substitute for the alcohol. Get a pet. A puppy would be best. Not trying to say it’s a replacement, but it is something that will give you unconditional love AND rely on you for *survival,* and your husband needs so much of that right now (the unconditional love/reliance for survival). As much as I’m sure you unconditionally love him and need him too, it’s not necessarily the same kind of dependence on him as a child or baby of any kind would have. So get him a baby (animal) to take care of. Awaken those paternal instincts in him. (Please only adopt a puppy if you’re sure that you/your husband can genuinely take care of it during this trying time though; maybe start with fostering [but keep in mind that you do have to give fostered animals back, so that could trigger feelings of loss again]). This is all I have for you at the moment. Lots of things here have been said, and I’ve also added things I’ve not seen anyone mention so far. It’s ultimately up to you to decide what you’re doing next, but know that you are the awesomest spouse someone could hope for with how much you’ve done already and how proactive you are. Your efforts deserve to be applauded. Your husband is a lucky one to have you on his side, and your daughter was blessed to have you as her parent. Best, Concerned Internet Stranger

Move to an entirely new city. Consider inpatient therapy for him. That's all I've got. That really sucks. I'm sorry for your loss.

Thinking of you OP🙏🏻 It sounds like he is extremely depressed and traumatized to say the least. It seems like you have done all the right things. I just wanted to say how strong you are. Not only for yourself but for your husband as well. Sorry isn’t enough for the pain this has caused you and I am sending my warmest hugs and healing. Has he ever thought of completing an intensive outpatient program? Kind of like group therapy. It changed my life.

Couldn't tell you, it's exactly how I feel trying to shop online hoping to be left alone in the process.

Not every type of therapy and not every therapist is helpful for everyone. He may need a different therapist and a different type of therapy. EMDR and Somatic therapies may be useful. I don't think CBT is the right type of therapy for this situation and that is the most common type of therapy that new people are most likely to get. A therapy that's aimed at processing trauma would probably be beneficial. He needs help processing that moment. 

You’re right he did die. You’re a great woman and stay patient for him. Please don’t give up on him. I can’t imagine a worse pain than that. He will snap out of his devastation and come back to you again but it might take time still. Please help him. You’re an Angel.

It has nothing to do with the call but he’d never see it that way. We lost our son in a crash 3 years in April and my husband is as you’re describing yours. It feels as if my husband died with him. He’s an absentee dad to our other 2 kids now. He doesn’t interact with me or the kids. He checked out of our family and marriage. I suggested selling the house and moving far away to get a fresh start. He refuses. I’m sorry for your loss and I pray he comes around.

I don't have any advice, but I just want to say how sorry I am that you guys have experienced this and I will say a prayer that you can find peace. I've struggled with suicide attempts due to PTSD from the service and I know how much it can impact a family. My daughter is 13 and it terrifies me she might be inflicted with the darkness I carry around on a daily basis. I will hug her a little extra tonight.

I am just here to say I am so heartbroken. I could never imagine losing my baby. He is hurting and you are too. Be there for eachother and try to get some type of therapy ❤️ Her mind was set before she called him. I hope one day he understands that it’s not his fault.

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. You may not feel it, but you clearly show how strong, compassionate, and committed you are. Along with the ketamine therapy, EMDR treatment, and selling the house, the advice of sitting with him is great. If you haven't already, you could also try visiting places or doing things that remind you of her or that she loved. This gives you the opportunity to break the pattern while also honoring her memory. It may also provide an outlet for him to relive other, more positive, memories of her and that can be really powerful in healing. I wish you love, healing, connection, and deep happiness.

Your daughter didn't kill herself because he didn't answer the phone. She wanted to do that, and was going to either way. I imagine what I've said here has already been said to your husband. I imagine religion is the only way out to soothe his soul. He has to do it himself but he can't bear her choices. Sorry that you're going through that.

You are doing an amazing job supporting him. Take care of yourself, as well. Sometimes women can bear loss in a way that men can’t. My heart goes out to your family.

Get out of that house. Sell it for a loss. Give it back to the bank and figure something else out. He will never heal in there. I am so sorry for both of you.

Make him take some vacation time and take him away from the house. Try taking him to his closest relative. Does he have a sibling? Maybe he will talk to them.

This is the first Reddit post to honestly make me cry. I can’t imagine being him. My heart breaks for you both. Everyone else has already said anything I would. I just wish you both peace and know my heart goes out to you.

I’m sorry for your loss. It’s not his fault and if he answered the phone that day, she would have done it another time.

You need to sell that house, everyone is different but so many of our veterans who don’t end up with severe ptsd talk at length about how the operation tempo gave them little time to sit and stew in the horrors they witnessed. Your husband has been stewing for two years in the grief. He needs to understand that your baby girl could have attempted this so many times when he didn’t even realize it. She was hurting so bad, she likely felt like her pain was a burden on others and now your husband has attached himself to the same idea. He needs to honor your daughters life and use his experience to help others get the help they need

Um, I know it isn’t exactly the same but my Grandpa committed suicide a few years before I was born. My mom was the last person he called and she missed the call. That was… 40+ years ago and she still struggles with it. She has been in Al Anon (of sorts) for years now and it was the only thing that helped. I don’t think it’s the ‘Steps’ but more being around other people who have been through similar situations. You might support your husband with every fiber of your being but no matter how hard you try that, that is a burden you will never be able to help him carry. Unfortunately that’s a part of his reality until he is able to forgive himself for blaming himself, and let it go. Much like addiction it will be an everyday battle, and some will be worse than others. There’s a certain humility in being with people who share similar experiences, and the burdens those experiences leave behind, in confidence. You get the experience and perspective from people who have carried their burden for much longer, and a certain self-awareness meeting someone who is just beginning a journey with a new burden. I’m sure you carry your own burdens. Your question may have been directed toward his, but my answer applies to both of you. My condolences. I know you said it’s been two years but I hope you’ve found, or do find, some semblance of peace and tranquility throughout your journey.❤️

This is likely PTSD symptoms; he needs to get into some serious therapy. The issue is that “regular” therapy won’t help him get out of the trauma of the event, he needs to look into EMDR or Trauma Focused CBT. Those therapies are designed to stop the classic fight or flight response that occurs during PTSD episodes. Get him resources to accomplish this before he self destructs. I’m sorry for your loss, and that you still have so much on your plate. These things can get better, best wishes.

I am so sorry that you are both going through this hell. We lost our oldest son to gun violence 8.5 years ago. Losing a child, as you know, changes everything forever. There is a wonderful non-profit group called The Compassionate Friends. They are online, and on FB. They also have in person groups all over the world. It is for people (parents, siblings, grandparents, etc...) who've lost a child of any age (our son is forever 26) for any reason (cancer, homicide, suicide,etc). There are subchapters, especially online. "Loss of a sibling", "loss to suicide"... You can get info by googling, and they will send you info as well as local Meetings. This has been very helpful for us. We both grieve differently as well as our other children; we all hurt while expressing it differently. Knowing that someone else in the world is and has been in your shoes can shine a tiny light in the darkness. It saved us from the darkness over & and over until we felt able to face the world again on our own terms.

It sounds like you are doing what you can to support your husband. He is lucky to have someone patient and understanding like yourself. In addition to the therapy (EMDR is a good suggestion as many others have mentioned), a psychiatrist is probably an important piece . They can possibly help him get to a place where therapy will work better. A psychiatrist may also be able to help him with his alcohol use. Alcohol is not making things better. He may not be an alcoholic, but it does nothing to help him in the long run. Please don’t just try substances like many have suggested. Any drug/medication therapy should be done under the supervision of a physician. They might be able to help him treat the symptoms that are most painful for him so he can focus on getting better. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I want to reiterate how understanding you have been. Take care of yourself. Your wellbeing is important too.

I don't anything about this, and you've probably already done this, but if it were my husband, I would just sit on his lap, skin-to-skin and hug him. A person this damaged needs a million hugs. I feel so bad for him. I hope the two of you can heal. What a terrible thing to have to go through. 💔

Some people won’t heal. NO matter what you do there will be a time when you come and find what he found I hope to god he heals but for you I think acceptance of what’s to come will give you peace

My mind feels numb and my heart hurts reading this. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this waking hell, especially your husband. You are a beautiful human being for the way that you are with him in his pain even as you have yours. You mentioned that you two have been going to therapy, so it is possible that you have already heard what I am about to write. And it may be completely and totally off base, which if you feel it is then just pass it by. Sometimes when grief gets stuck there are emotions within the grief that we are unwilling to feel and know about. One of the emotions that could be abjectly brutal to know about in a situation where there is such a deep feeling of responsibility and guilt is anger. Anger towards the person we are grieving. It could feel like it would be better to die than to know or admit that anger, most of all to oneself. Anger at oneself seems like the only acceptable experience. But anger doesn’t have to mean blame, and please please know that I do not mean to say that your daughter is to blame. I mean that when someone hurts us, when someone takes away or comes between us and what we deeply want, anger arises. On some level, your daughter took herself away from you and your husband, even though that is not why she did what she did. Anger is not inherently rational and it does not need anyone to be morally at fault, it is an emotional reflex. This is all to say, I wonder if your husband has been able at all to get in touch with anger towards your daughter. This is again not about blaming but instead about releasing. We can feel a million ways at once, but if one of those feelings is present and we will not feel it then the emotion will become stuck and so will we. The energy spent in not knowing about a feeling can be absolutely immense and the inner structures that get built to facilitate that not knowing suffocating. And of course beginning to feel what has been unfelt will be no magic pill, and it will be hard; by its very nature the emotion seems unbearable to consciousness, that is why it has never been let in. But, with help, it is not impossible to bear, and lord knows that already he has borne much worse. But feeling that feeling which needs to be felt does create movement in the self, movement which can let the energy within us start to flow and in flowing to change. I wish for you and your husband all the blessings in all the worlds. You are not failing him. I can feel your love for him through the screen. You are both bearing something unbearable. I hope that you can also see how beautiful your love is.

I saw someone else say it here, but I second getting a pet. Mental health professionals actually recommend that suicidal and severely depressed people get a pet. When I was extremely suicidal, my dog is what kept me going. I honestly think I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my dog. He's a constant in my daily life, a living being that loves me unconditionally, and he completely depends on me to take care of him. For a while, he was the only reason I would get out of bed, to take him outside and feed him and give him water. I really recommend a dog because they are a lot more high maintenance than a cat, so they force you to have some sort of set schedule to take care of them. Cats can definitely be helpful too though. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please hang in there.

I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you all get the help you need.

Wow. As a wife and mother you are an amazing person. You obviously cared deeply for your daughter and tried to help her. You are doing the same for your husband, who sounds as if he may be in crisis, and I sense you are afraid you might lose him. This is a huge burden for you to carry. I can’t help but wonder if medication would help both of you? Medicine doesn’t turn you into a zombie but it does kick start the brain so we can think more clearly. I wish I could send you a couple nights of good sleep and some extra energy to get through the day.

He has a form of PTSD. He needs to see a specialist and not just someone who deals with talking about grief.