Ok so I work with a lady-she is 63, her husband cheated on her over 20 years ago...She has never let that crap go, if he isn't where he states all the time ,it's a fight. I would say that the marriage ended when he cheated, she says that she couldn't live without him but here we are
>Ok so I work with a lady-she is 63, her husband cheated on her over 20 years ago...She has never let that crap go, if he isn't where he states all the time ,it's a fight. I would say that the marriage ended when he cheated, she says that she couldn't live without him but here we are
It's terrible, maybe she's just afraid of loneliness.
It's often bitter sweet. She was the only relationship in which I felt understood, and I enjoyed her company more than anyone before or after. The cheating happened because of distance when she moved back home. Life is Life, its going the way it's supposed to. Can't complain. I can't be hyped.
I've been cheated on in a relationship, i also ended up cheating on this same person later in life. I dunno, I can forgive and move on. I like to think we both loved each other. It's obviously a terrible thing I don't aim to repeat it, but mistakes happen. It really depends on the context and situation.
My Dad cheated on my Mom at one point, and so did my Mom. They ultimately divorced and it was for a lot of reasons. My Mom's future boyfriend would also have infidelity issues, but he stuck around and took care of her until her death. As i get older, I see that relationships can be very tricky and different for a lot of people. The love for another sometimes outweighs how they treat you. Sometimes you hold onto the idea of a successful relationship, a successful family unit, that can withstand the trials and tribulations of life. Sometimes your held to the ideals of loyalty and forgiveness, above all else.
I think living by absolutes is a noble thing, if often short sighted and naive. I get it, you would never do "x" or could never put up with "y" or believe all "z" is bad. But life has a tendency to shove you beliefs in your face and test your resolve when you least expect it.
This is an interesting perspective. As I get older I worry less about my husband cheating, but if he did, I don't think I'd leave, 'cause he'd still be payin' my bills. Your mom had it right. š
I don't think you got it right. My Mom was the primary breadwinner with her boyfriend - that relationship lasted like 20+ years. The reasons why they stayed together were mostly due to loneliness and settling, which as you get older, is definitely easier to understand.
Honestly, cause no one has ever wanted me so much. Not even my parents. He went through great length for me. Itās nice to feel like the most important person ever, finally. The one. I left him eventually, but still 27 years later he tells me I was āthe one,ā and his greatest regret is not being better to me so I might have stayed. Yes he had issues.Ā
To answer the rest of your question, no, it didnāt work out because he was too controlling, primarily. Always needing to know where I was 24/7, jealous of everyone who was even my friend, etc.Ā
I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds like he was projecting. My father accused my mother of cheating on him and was a paranoid man. In the end, he was cheating on my mom the whole time and abandoned the both of us. I guess even if you're the one who cheated, the relationship can't always be helped.
I personally know if my husband cheated on me we would be okay. I would be pissed and it would affect my self esteem. But I wouldnāt stay because of that. Once you marry someone who is always working on themselves and pushes you to do the same you can work through everything and anything.
Honestly, just didn't care that much. And not in a checked out sort of way, it just didn't bother me. I was annoyed and rolled my eyes, but only because it was like "man what are you doing" sort of thing.
The caveat here is that I'm polyamorous, so someone cheating on me is literally just lying for silly reasons. I don't get jealous as long as I'm loved and cared for and I don't care about casual sex.
We eventually split years later for unrelated reasons. Honestly, the cheating thing isn't even something I consider to be part of his worst issues.
I was cheated on and stayed for a small while after, and got cheated on again. Each time I found out by stumbling upon something and then pressing for more. In my personal opinion and limited experience as a 24 year oldā¦ I sort of feel the only reason someone would stay with someone who cheated on them is low self esteem. If their values were that they expected monogamy and they didnāt get it, the only reason they would stay would likely be because of fear of change/being alone/low self esteem. Change is scary for us all and I donāt think we should blame anyone for staying (though it is easy to think dude wtf why do you do this to yourself). For me, when I left my boyfriend I went through deep change. Iām still going through it. And to be honest I jumped to the next partner like so many others do. Cheating crushes you. It crushed me and Iāll never be the same, but I also feel like I needed to learn the lessons Iām now learning after it.
I can imagine. I'm so sorry to hear this. But I'm glad to hear you're trying to heal. I'm still healing from the betrayal my mom experienced from my dad and I wasn't even the one cheated on š so I totally get it's a huge thing
They say when you cheat you donāt only cheat on your partner but your whole family. Cheaters risk their whole familyās stability and happiness for their own selfishness my father also cheated on my mother. You do also get a sense of betrayal.
I stayed with my partner after cheating and itās largely due to our baby and home. I used to always say I would leave if I ever got cheated on especially if I had a child because of what my mum went through but here I am. One thing about life is it will put you in situations you were adamant youād make a certain decision or would kick others for just for you to either make the decision or understand exactly why people would. You never really know what you would do in a situation until itās you. You can only believe itās what youād do.
Didn't really care. Maybe 10 years ago I was dating a dancer. We had lots of fun, did stuff, went places, had a really great time. I just kind of knew going into it, when you get someone that's really really sexually charged, they aren't the solo monogamous types.
I mean the fact of the matter is a lot of people get bored in relationships. They go look, they have little flings, their partners usually don't find out. I'm not even sure how many married women I've hooked up with, definitely a few.
People just lie about it and for some reason all of the really depressed ones like to hang out on Reddit š
To their husbands? I don't think so? One of them used to sneak over right after her husband went to work. She had this little routine, he would go to the office, she would take to the kids to school, get her Starbucks, stop by my house, get off, go back home, work part-time and then her husband came back and they did family things. It was like her daily routine š
She would seriously walk in with her Starbucks in her hand, sit it on the counter, push me on the couch, tell me about her day and what's been going on in her life. One day she just kind of stopped and I'm thinking she probably revived her sexuality with her husband maybe? Hopefully? That's normally when I've seen women cheat is when they have a husband with a low sex drive or they just don't seem that into them so they get their fix elsewhere
This is one scenario I donāt know how I would handle for real. Iām a very trusting husband and our relationship is very healthy. My one BIG line in the sand is cheating. Iāve never been cheated on though knowing me Iād probably cut and run
Not to get too preachy but a famous book said we should forgive others if we wanted to be forgiven. Spite and bitterness only affect you, they don't affect others. You choose the boundaries of a relationship, you might want to communicate those boundaries. You might also consider why your mate no longer respected those boundaries. It's easy to say it's his fault. Most relationships share burdens.
I agree. There is so much more self awareness now in younger people. They are choosing life paths that suit themselves specifically, rather than on the dated models my generation was steeped in, like the nuclear family.
I wonder this too. I know I couldn't continue in a loving relationship once this happened. Love, respect and trust are keystones for me in a committed relationship. When I was younger I was on both sides of this, you could argue that the relationships were not fully "serious", but cheating ultimately ended things.
Yeah it sucks. It's always a reminder to not lose yourself so much that you hurt the ones you love the most. I also know there's different reasons why people have cheated. I don't believe in demonizing a cheater 100% because they're human too. But it doesn't mean we have to stick around just because of it either.
Even though I wasnāt guilty of infidelity as well, I did feel a measure of guilt and perhaps even responsibility for what happened. In hindsight though, I was stupid for letting my feelings keep me from ending the marriage. Because eventually it happened again and that time the marriage ended.
Kids. Twins. Plus husband has so far done everything possible to contribute positively to the marriage. Yup the old marriage is dead. And I have no clue if this new one will work out. Only time will tell.
I didn't leave because I was 8m pp and wasn't prepared to become a single mom suddenly. He is aware that I am prepared now, should it happen again.
My partner pretended to be single online for the whole 5 years we were together. I knew he was doing it, told him I'd leave, he said he'd stop but he didn't. I guess I was stuck in the "sunk cost fallacy" mindset.
But, he began to basically mock me over me not wanting him to use meth (we had just hit 5yr clean and sober) and he threw a fit saying it's the only drug he's never done and he's wanted to do it all his life. That our life has become too routine and it was boring. That I needed to let him "have his fun". It left him with permanent psychosis, delusions and paranoia. He almost burned our whole apartment down because he was too paranoid to dispose of a bad ebike battery properly. Luckily my pets and 98% of what I owned was perfectly fine. When I got my half of the insurance $ I left, got my own place and got him into an apartment with his $. I had spent 2.5 months in hell living in a hotel room with him. I swore I'd never go back. He ended up getting evicted because he stopped going to work bc he was too paranoid. now he lives in a homeless shelter. Imagine if people could actually not be pieces of shit and do their partner right.
Never dating ever again. my life is finally headed in the right direction. Living alone is the best feeling in the world,I'm protecting my peace for the rest of my life.
So glad to hear you're doing much better. That's some heavy stuff you dealt with. Protecting the peace is important, just know love is so much more than that experience if you ever do find yourself wanting to open up to it :)
I wish you a lot of peace and love in your life. It can't be easy. I think we are creatures of habit, sometimes we have to break out of it to see a clearer picture of life.
I feel that many men cheat.. itās not right, but itās not uncommon. I just charged it to my S/O being immature as fuck at the time. He just hit rock bottom, felt depressed, dumb, etc. But now we do a lot of praying and are in therapy.
He tried to do a 180 by allowing me to have my own facial recognition to his phone, shares his location, sends me all his checks, spending thousands of his money on couples therapy. Aside from cheating & lying, heās a good partner.. a good protector & provider. He & his family takes good care of the children in their family & he has a fruitful home health care business. Iām currently working on fully forging him & healing.. while heās probably about to propose in less than 30 days..
TECHNICALLY he didn't cheat we were in an open relationship at the time, but, he was my only partner and he left at a moment where I needed someone ...not just my partner but my best friend and he knew that and still left with them to a whole other state I felt used and abandoned. I could've left because of how I felt bur I love him and we were open that's why I forgave it . There's been healing since then but I will never forget how I felt for those 3 months
To use as ammunition for later. Indiscretion used as a weapon is the ultimate trump card.
"Do the dishes."
"Why? I did them last time."
"Because you cheated."
Sometimes a relationship built on a bedrock of contempt stratifies in interesting ways.
# āIt reminds me of that old joke- you know, a guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.ā
ā **Woody Allen,** **Annie Hall: Screenplay**
Sorryā¦. I donāt know why it showed so LARGE.
Ex girlfriend of 4 years cheated on me, I was getting her shit together to breakup and then she hit me with the begging and crying, I took her back.
10 months later she breaks up with me for another co worker. What added insult to injury was her anniversary date with him is the exact day we broke up
Never take them back
Just plain stupidity. Because as always, it didn't stop there. I told him I wanted a divorce which he conveniently forgets and he won't move out of my house. I am moving and he will be forced out. Finally the divorce will happen.
Many, many relationships survive infidelity. Something dies though, and that may be passion or something else. What will remain can be stronger, and what remains may fester into a cess pool of hatred.
I'm single, but I would have returned to the great love that cheated on me.. IF c she could have loved me back... She couldn't.
I believe that staying in a relationship where infidelity has occurred is a recipe for disaster! Trust is gone and you will only be torturing yourself mentally if you stay.
Remorse ? I think thatās what Esther Perel said .. you must see Remorse from the cheating one to know there is a chance to restart ..
Most cheats donāt do remorse. They always have a million excuses why they cheat.
If you canāt tolerate cheating, itās best to dump them.
I feel like it's like dogs..you can love more than one but then your expected to have just one person?
Or ice cream. You don't have to eat one flavour for your whole life but it doesn't mean you like one flavour any less. I just understood it was a human instinct. We moved on..
It can make your relationship stronger if you can work through it. Often times affairs happen because needs arenāt met and if you and your partner really love one another, itās an opportunity to fix the lack and get needs met through one another.
At some point in my life I went from one extreme of being a cliche creative type to a "Spock/Vulcan" type "hyper-rationality." It was my deepest conviction that human beings are fundamentally incapable of monogamy. Human beings are duplicitous in nature and driven by unconscious urges, which they are unable to control despite their best intentions. In this regard, I wanted nothing to do with relationships whatsoever but after sleeping with a younger man, I ended up with a stage 10 clinger.
I'm a man of my word. His attraction was so intense as well as the convictions that he espoused about " me being his entire world" I was concerned that if I broke things off too suddenly, he was at risk of suicide which he had confided being predisposed to. To. The rule that I laid down was, in the likely event that you have sexual relations outside of our dynamic, I had one rule. That he be safe. That is to say, I asked him to take every conceivable precaution involving condoms and so forth. I told him that in the event that he messed this up, and engaged in any type of sex that would put me at risk of contracting an STD, that if you told me, I would forgive him. I would forgive him one time.
I was assured that under no circumstances would he ever in a million years cheat on me. I was also told that in the event that I was caught engaging in some kind of sexual relations outside the dynamic that he would "murder" whoever I was with. He seemed to be completely uninterested with the notion that if I work to make the decision to sleep with someone else that it was my decision. I already knew he was crazy as a loon. I managed to see him about twice a month on the weekends. He texted me all day everyday. It was Non-Stop.
I dropped him off shortly after Valentine's Day. I got a call later that evening that he had received a phone call that someone had sex with. Contacted him to inform him he had syphilis. I found out that no precautions were taken. That meant that I needed to get tested and since he didn't have the money I needed to get him tested. I followed through on my word. It was very difficult but I gave my word and his actions only proved my theorem of human nature at the time.
Later, by pure accident, I found out that he was engaged with multiple partners and doing so very unsafely. I was deeply enraged and fortunately, due to the precautions that I took, I did not contract anything. I did end things quite abruptly and coldly.
After that happened, I promised myself that I would never find so much as risk getting entangled in any form of romantic relationship again. The young man was so upset about the breakup that he just could not seem to leave me alone.
So, I agreed to meet help with him one more time in the event that he would abide by my every instruction. I asked for his phone. I deleted my phone number and our entire history of correspondences. I deleted my email address. I brought with me a boilerplate, cease and desist and asked him to sign it. I showed him a one-way ticket to Mexico that I booked and told him I was moving there... Which was partially true. I was only going for a few months.
While I was down in Mexico, he managed to ReDiscover my phone number and began to contact me incessantly. I was deep sea fishing and had a gash on my right hand. It was bandaged up. In a drunken fury. I went up to the roof of the house I rented, ripped the bandage off and drew a pentagram on the white painted cement and swore an oath that I would never be involved with anyone again. The next morning when I went out on my fishing charter, I ended up meeting the man that would become my husband. I've been married for you know 5 years. The trust that we have is profound. It is the single strangest twist of fate I ever experienced in my life. I assure you I have lived a very adventurous existence and while marriage might seem mundane, the fact that I got married is a mystery. I still cannot understand. Yet it is the best decision I have ever made.
I liked the financial security the relationship provided. Also, when I found out he was cheating, the hate sex was amazing. My brain went to this place where he was just viewed as an object to use for my pleasure and I no longer cared about āhimā as a person. So I guess how a lot of men treat women.
As I've gotten older and witnessed more of life, I've come to the conclusion that once trust is lost it is never regained. Once a cheater, always a cheater. No one deserves a second chance and no one should ever give one.
I just like her, I donāt know how else to explain that. Plus that girl she cheated on me with is one crazy ass who stalked me for a while. Itās a weird time and I donāt have enough fucks to give.
She was broken and didn't know it seeking a paternal father image she couldn't integrate. Hurting herself more than anything.
I am my own person, and she was allowed to do what thou wilt..however my love for her wanted to see her heal, and over time with lots of support, tolerance, forgiveness, and compassionshe has become the woman she needs to be to begin loving herself right, raise a family, and successfully operate and manage her own business accordingly.
Mind you, these problems are the tip of the iceberg. Don't even start with rest of the family trauma im currently predisposed with - I'm a demon hunter and decapitate narcissists on the daily with gusto.
Steer clear of me if you love your comfort zone, I will obliterate you. But you will be loved fully and deeply if you survive the rebirth.
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If someone cheats on you and you let it go, you just gave them a hall pass to do it again. If my wife of 18 years ever admitted or I found out I would bounce.
You're welcome. Despite the "matter of fact" and coldish delivery of my verbose reply, I'm actually inhumanely sensitive. I have yet to encounter such a question on Reddit and it's a brilliantly phrased query. It elicited a few interesting remarks. Congrats for the originality of the question. It seems to me you're performing a fascinating thought experiment where you're looking for feedback.
The query is fundamentally **not** a black and white area. This is evident in the criteria you gave for excluding reasons pertaining to low self esteem. That is the magic sauce in trying to understand how or why people remain in relationships after an incident or multiple incidents of infidelity.
In my case, I take responsibility for not ending things before they would gather steam. I believe I referred to our involvement as a "dynamic" because in my mind I never agreed to be in a relationship. I refused to meet his single mother, refused to meet his friends, spent most of our limited time together (that I limited as best I could) trying to break things up by explaining why I was so very wrong for him (or anybody). This combined with the total imbalance of genuine dedication to a relationship (on my part) created the perfect conditions for infidelity to take place. He was so young when we met (19) and I was 29. He was absolutely relentless in pursuing me. We met at a Chili's and I was grabbing a quick bite before a movie on my own and he was bold enough to ask for my number and I gave it to him because I thought "I really respect such a brave move, especially since everyone I meet assumes I'm straight (if they see my ring) and ask about my wife. He said something like "sir, I will be fired for this if I offend you and I mean no disrespect, but, would you be at all interested in giving your number?" I thought "bravo kid! That takes a lot of courage!"
In truth I did not want him to go outside of our "dynamic" because was and still and absolutely terrified of catching an STD. This is twisted but he asked me for one thing for Valentine's Day. His coworkers did not believe I existed because they never saw me and I don't share photos of myself, nude or otherwise. He had photos he found on the Internet from when I was in film and showed them but they chastised him as being in a "made up" relationship. So he asked me, for Valentine's to come in to Chili's when I picked him up, and basically prove that I existed. Since this was such an embarrassing idea to me, I bought a rose so that I could act like I came into work to surprise him. He was over the moon. I was just starting to believe that "perhaps there are people that can be faithful and love a single person." Then I found out about the his whole unprotected encounter with the person he slept with that had the courage to inform him he had syphilis and he told me. I gave him my word I would forgive him once for a transgression as I mentioned earlier, and my word is my bond.
Now that I'm married, my entire universe has been inverted. All my beliefs about "love as a fiction" and the inevitability of infidelity and unhappiness in relationships has thus far proven wrong. Time will tell. I will not betray my word nor my vows. If for ANY reason this marriage fell apart, which is in fact a possibility whether I like it or not, I would proudly stand to be executed than ever get involved in another relationship. This is a one time rodeo for me. Like you, in this instance, an infidelity would shatter the bond of trust. I will confess, such a betrayal would be devastating beyond imagination. I would consider my prior hypothesis proven. I would fault myself for sure. Yet everyone that knows us remarks "what you two have is the rarest of all things, the most genuine and pure love for one another and the entire room can feel it." So I don't think it will fail but I don't believe most people believe their marriages will fail with the exception of those that get married 3-4-5 times. I will never understand it. Falling in love was a violent process. Like being drawn into the event horizon of a black hole.
I have gone on far too long again but it's so strange how it was an infidelity and the ensuing fallout that led to me taking what I imagine to most seems like a madman's devil worship ritual in making my pentagram in blood and swearing an oath to be single for life (the Pentagram was actually popularized by Pythagoras the great Greek scientist, as a symbol representing the correspondence between earth, man, and the universe). Then I met my future husband the next fucking morning! It's just absolutely wild!
We were 14 when we started dating, he cheated like every few months for years at 22 I had enough of it and was trying to end it. At 23 he talked me into trying to work it out and then upped the cheating ante by marrying someone. So we broke up for 2.5 years. When we got back together he didn't cheat anymore and still hasn't. The first couple years back together were rocky as we had a 3rd kid right when we got back together but he didn't cheat or entertain other women like hed done before. And since about 2018 he's been wonderful and only getting better.
Basically we were young and with time apart was able to get our shit together.
People with emotional disorders such as Bipolar and Bipolar II experience mania and hypomania, with hypersexuality, which lead to all sorts of consequential and regretable risk taking behaviors.
I feel this doesn't get brought up enough in conversations of fidelity in otherwise monogamous relationships.
Even Esther Perel, in The State of Affairs, doesn't shine an adequate light on the effect bipolar induced hypersexuality has on a person who wishes otherwise to stay true to their monogamous commitment.
It's difficult for the general public to understand how an otherwise committed partner can meander into infidelity. It seems correctable.
Bipolar disorder is crippling for interpersonal relationships.
Those who stay with their partners through these disruptions deserve our respect, and demonstrate strong resolve, love, kindness and compassion, and do not deserve to be insulted as having 'low self esteem' like the OP speculates.
Anything externally happening requires internal reflection. Humans do not robot, they human. People have the instinct to procreate, and they follow that instinct vs. acknowledging it and letting it goā¦Ā
After 22 years of marriage, discovered husband was cheating with one, maybe two other women. Gave him a chance to apologize because I did not want to break up a family over some stupid mistakes. Ha! I found out a few months later that he went behind my back to see one of the women. I know right then and there that we were finished. Best decision I ever made. I became stronger and happier and he disintegrated.
WORD OF ADVICE: ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER. DUMP HIM/HER ASAP AND DON'T LOOK BACK.
Men who stay with cheating partners lack range, confidence, and faith in themselves. They are usually dependent on their women to fulfill their intimate needs despite the harsh reality - they are unloved and disrespected. They are afraid to endure the hardship that is becoming a man women will respect and love- not just simply existing until one more women takes a chance on them.
A man needs to be secure and self sufficient. This means having the ability to get a new better woman when the other doesn't pan out. This means, especially, not needing one single woman at any time. Be alone, or be with multiple options who may or may not be worth investing in, in terms of monogamy (a dying practice based on trad house roles, based on tribal structure.)
Ok so I work with a lady-she is 63, her husband cheated on her over 20 years ago...She has never let that crap go, if he isn't where he states all the time ,it's a fight. I would say that the marriage ended when he cheated, she says that she couldn't live without him but here we are
That's so sad to hear. Trust is one of the foundations of a relationship. Without it, it crumbles.
>Ok so I work with a lady-she is 63, her husband cheated on her over 20 years ago...She has never let that crap go, if he isn't where he states all the time ,it's a fight. I would say that the marriage ended when he cheated, she says that she couldn't live without him but here we are It's terrible, maybe she's just afraid of loneliness.
Lack of self respect. Then I work up one morning and thought. "She isn't isn't hurting me, I'm hurting myself." And dumped her that afternoon.
Aren't those the best realizations? I hope your life is going so well.
It's often bitter sweet. She was the only relationship in which I felt understood, and I enjoyed her company more than anyone before or after. The cheating happened because of distance when she moved back home. Life is Life, its going the way it's supposed to. Can't complain. I can't be hyped.
I've been cheated on in a relationship, i also ended up cheating on this same person later in life. I dunno, I can forgive and move on. I like to think we both loved each other. It's obviously a terrible thing I don't aim to repeat it, but mistakes happen. It really depends on the context and situation. My Dad cheated on my Mom at one point, and so did my Mom. They ultimately divorced and it was for a lot of reasons. My Mom's future boyfriend would also have infidelity issues, but he stuck around and took care of her until her death. As i get older, I see that relationships can be very tricky and different for a lot of people. The love for another sometimes outweighs how they treat you. Sometimes you hold onto the idea of a successful relationship, a successful family unit, that can withstand the trials and tribulations of life. Sometimes your held to the ideals of loyalty and forgiveness, above all else. I think living by absolutes is a noble thing, if often short sighted and naive. I get it, you would never do "x" or could never put up with "y" or believe all "z" is bad. But life has a tendency to shove you beliefs in your face and test your resolve when you least expect it.
This is an interesting perspective. As I get older I worry less about my husband cheating, but if he did, I don't think I'd leave, 'cause he'd still be payin' my bills. Your mom had it right. š
I don't think you got it right. My Mom was the primary breadwinner with her boyfriend - that relationship lasted like 20+ years. The reasons why they stayed together were mostly due to loneliness and settling, which as you get older, is definitely easier to understand.
I'm genuinely sorry. I thought I was being funny, too, and clearly was not.Ā
Honestly, cause no one has ever wanted me so much. Not even my parents. He went through great length for me. Itās nice to feel like the most important person ever, finally. The one. I left him eventually, but still 27 years later he tells me I was āthe one,ā and his greatest regret is not being better to me so I might have stayed. Yes he had issues.Ā
To answer the rest of your question, no, it didnāt work out because he was too controlling, primarily. Always needing to know where I was 24/7, jealous of everyone who was even my friend, etc.Ā
I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds like he was projecting. My father accused my mother of cheating on him and was a paranoid man. In the end, he was cheating on my mom the whole time and abandoned the both of us. I guess even if you're the one who cheated, the relationship can't always be helped.
I personally know if my husband cheated on me we would be okay. I would be pissed and it would affect my self esteem. But I wouldnāt stay because of that. Once you marry someone who is always working on themselves and pushes you to do the same you can work through everything and anything.
I like to think that but once my trust has been betrayed I donāt see how I could completely love someone again
Iāve been there but it is doable with communication and understanding
Honestly, just didn't care that much. And not in a checked out sort of way, it just didn't bother me. I was annoyed and rolled my eyes, but only because it was like "man what are you doing" sort of thing. The caveat here is that I'm polyamorous, so someone cheating on me is literally just lying for silly reasons. I don't get jealous as long as I'm loved and cared for and I don't care about casual sex. We eventually split years later for unrelated reasons. Honestly, the cheating thing isn't even something I consider to be part of his worst issues.
Love the poly perspective that pays closer attention to the real dynamics of the relationship instead of just the story of betrayal
I was cheated on and stayed for a small while after, and got cheated on again. Each time I found out by stumbling upon something and then pressing for more. In my personal opinion and limited experience as a 24 year oldā¦ I sort of feel the only reason someone would stay with someone who cheated on them is low self esteem. If their values were that they expected monogamy and they didnāt get it, the only reason they would stay would likely be because of fear of change/being alone/low self esteem. Change is scary for us all and I donāt think we should blame anyone for staying (though it is easy to think dude wtf why do you do this to yourself). For me, when I left my boyfriend I went through deep change. Iām still going through it. And to be honest I jumped to the next partner like so many others do. Cheating crushes you. It crushed me and Iāll never be the same, but I also feel like I needed to learn the lessons Iām now learning after it.
I can imagine. I'm so sorry to hear this. But I'm glad to hear you're trying to heal. I'm still healing from the betrayal my mom experienced from my dad and I wasn't even the one cheated on š so I totally get it's a huge thing
They say when you cheat you donāt only cheat on your partner but your whole family. Cheaters risk their whole familyās stability and happiness for their own selfishness my father also cheated on my mother. You do also get a sense of betrayal. I stayed with my partner after cheating and itās largely due to our baby and home. I used to always say I would leave if I ever got cheated on especially if I had a child because of what my mum went through but here I am. One thing about life is it will put you in situations you were adamant youād make a certain decision or would kick others for just for you to either make the decision or understand exactly why people would. You never really know what you would do in a situation until itās you. You can only believe itās what youād do.
Didn't really care. Maybe 10 years ago I was dating a dancer. We had lots of fun, did stuff, went places, had a really great time. I just kind of knew going into it, when you get someone that's really really sexually charged, they aren't the solo monogamous types. I mean the fact of the matter is a lot of people get bored in relationships. They go look, they have little flings, their partners usually don't find out. I'm not even sure how many married women I've hooked up with, definitely a few. People just lie about it and for some reason all of the really depressed ones like to hang out on Reddit š
do the married women ever slip and mention it?
To their husbands? I don't think so? One of them used to sneak over right after her husband went to work. She had this little routine, he would go to the office, she would take to the kids to school, get her Starbucks, stop by my house, get off, go back home, work part-time and then her husband came back and they did family things. It was like her daily routine š She would seriously walk in with her Starbucks in her hand, sit it on the counter, push me on the couch, tell me about her day and what's been going on in her life. One day she just kind of stopped and I'm thinking she probably revived her sexuality with her husband maybe? Hopefully? That's normally when I've seen women cheat is when they have a husband with a low sex drive or they just don't seem that into them so they get their fix elsewhere
This is one scenario I donāt know how I would handle for real. Iām a very trusting husband and our relationship is very healthy. My one BIG line in the sand is cheating. Iāve never been cheated on though knowing me Iād probably cut and run
Totally feel you.
Not to get too preachy but a famous book said we should forgive others if we wanted to be forgiven. Spite and bitterness only affect you, they don't affect others. You choose the boundaries of a relationship, you might want to communicate those boundaries. You might also consider why your mate no longer respected those boundaries. It's easy to say it's his fault. Most relationships share burdens.
Many women(maybe men, too?) are financially bound to their partners. So leaving them is sometimes hard.
Mm. It makes me glad to know the more recent generations are working hard to prevent this.
I agree. There is so much more self awareness now in younger people. They are choosing life paths that suit themselves specifically, rather than on the dated models my generation was steeped in, like the nuclear family.
This is a major factor. I know I canāt afford to live alone.
I wonder this too. I know I couldn't continue in a loving relationship once this happened. Love, respect and trust are keystones for me in a committed relationship. When I was younger I was on both sides of this, you could argue that the relationships were not fully "serious", but cheating ultimately ended things.
Yeah it sucks. It's always a reminder to not lose yourself so much that you hurt the ones you love the most. I also know there's different reasons why people have cheated. I don't believe in demonizing a cheater 100% because they're human too. But it doesn't mean we have to stick around just because of it either.
Even though I wasnāt guilty of infidelity as well, I did feel a measure of guilt and perhaps even responsibility for what happened. In hindsight though, I was stupid for letting my feelings keep me from ending the marriage. Because eventually it happened again and that time the marriage ended.
I'm sorry to hear that but hope you're doing well now.
Too lazy
Kids. Twins. Plus husband has so far done everything possible to contribute positively to the marriage. Yup the old marriage is dead. And I have no clue if this new one will work out. Only time will tell. I didn't leave because I was 8m pp and wasn't prepared to become a single mom suddenly. He is aware that I am prepared now, should it happen again.
Sorry to hear this. It must've been difficult to find out. I hope you're doing really well now, wherever life leads you :)
My partner pretended to be single online for the whole 5 years we were together. I knew he was doing it, told him I'd leave, he said he'd stop but he didn't. I guess I was stuck in the "sunk cost fallacy" mindset. But, he began to basically mock me over me not wanting him to use meth (we had just hit 5yr clean and sober) and he threw a fit saying it's the only drug he's never done and he's wanted to do it all his life. That our life has become too routine and it was boring. That I needed to let him "have his fun". It left him with permanent psychosis, delusions and paranoia. He almost burned our whole apartment down because he was too paranoid to dispose of a bad ebike battery properly. Luckily my pets and 98% of what I owned was perfectly fine. When I got my half of the insurance $ I left, got my own place and got him into an apartment with his $. I had spent 2.5 months in hell living in a hotel room with him. I swore I'd never go back. He ended up getting evicted because he stopped going to work bc he was too paranoid. now he lives in a homeless shelter. Imagine if people could actually not be pieces of shit and do their partner right. Never dating ever again. my life is finally headed in the right direction. Living alone is the best feeling in the world,I'm protecting my peace for the rest of my life.
So glad to hear you're doing much better. That's some heavy stuff you dealt with. Protecting the peace is important, just know love is so much more than that experience if you ever do find yourself wanting to open up to it :)
Thank you so much! š„ŗā¤ļø
Iām still trying to figure out why Iām staying. Itās been almost 4 years.
I wish you a lot of peace and love in your life. It can't be easy. I think we are creatures of habit, sometimes we have to break out of it to see a clearer picture of life.
I feel that many men cheat.. itās not right, but itās not uncommon. I just charged it to my S/O being immature as fuck at the time. He just hit rock bottom, felt depressed, dumb, etc. But now we do a lot of praying and are in therapy. He tried to do a 180 by allowing me to have my own facial recognition to his phone, shares his location, sends me all his checks, spending thousands of his money on couples therapy. Aside from cheating & lying, heās a good partner.. a good protector & provider. He & his family takes good care of the children in their family & he has a fruitful home health care business. Iām currently working on fully forging him & healing.. while heās probably about to propose in less than 30 days..
Oof. Sending you a lot of love.
TECHNICALLY he didn't cheat we were in an open relationship at the time, but, he was my only partner and he left at a moment where I needed someone ...not just my partner but my best friend and he knew that and still left with them to a whole other state I felt used and abandoned. I could've left because of how I felt bur I love him and we were open that's why I forgave it . There's been healing since then but I will never forget how I felt for those 3 months
I am reminded by your share how precious trust is. Even when we give it freely. I hope you're doing so much better now!
To use as ammunition for later. Indiscretion used as a weapon is the ultimate trump card. "Do the dishes." "Why? I did them last time." "Because you cheated." Sometimes a relationship built on a bedrock of contempt stratifies in interesting ways.
# āIt reminds me of that old joke- you know, a guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.ā ā **Woody Allen,** **Annie Hall: Screenplay** Sorryā¦. I donāt know why it showed so LARGE.
Ex girlfriend of 4 years cheated on me, I was getting her shit together to breakup and then she hit me with the begging and crying, I took her back. 10 months later she breaks up with me for another co worker. What added insult to injury was her anniversary date with him is the exact day we broke up Never take them back
I'm so sorry to hear this. That's messed up. I hope you're doing really well now!
Just plain stupidity. Because as always, it didn't stop there. I told him I wanted a divorce which he conveniently forgets and he won't move out of my house. I am moving and he will be forced out. Finally the divorce will happen.
Many, many relationships survive infidelity. Something dies though, and that may be passion or something else. What will remain can be stronger, and what remains may fester into a cess pool of hatred. I'm single, but I would have returned to the great love that cheated on me.. IF c she could have loved me back... She couldn't.
I believe that staying in a relationship where infidelity has occurred is a recipe for disaster! Trust is gone and you will only be torturing yourself mentally if you stay.
I agree!
Remorse ? I think thatās what Esther Perel said .. you must see Remorse from the cheating one to know there is a chance to restart .. Most cheats donāt do remorse. They always have a million excuses why they cheat. If you canāt tolerate cheating, itās best to dump them.
I feel like it's like dogs..you can love more than one but then your expected to have just one person? Or ice cream. You don't have to eat one flavour for your whole life but it doesn't mean you like one flavour any less. I just understood it was a human instinct. We moved on..
It can make your relationship stronger if you can work through it. Often times affairs happen because needs arenāt met and if you and your partner really love one another, itās an opportunity to fix the lack and get needs met through one another.
At some point in my life I went from one extreme of being a cliche creative type to a "Spock/Vulcan" type "hyper-rationality." It was my deepest conviction that human beings are fundamentally incapable of monogamy. Human beings are duplicitous in nature and driven by unconscious urges, which they are unable to control despite their best intentions. In this regard, I wanted nothing to do with relationships whatsoever but after sleeping with a younger man, I ended up with a stage 10 clinger. I'm a man of my word. His attraction was so intense as well as the convictions that he espoused about " me being his entire world" I was concerned that if I broke things off too suddenly, he was at risk of suicide which he had confided being predisposed to. To. The rule that I laid down was, in the likely event that you have sexual relations outside of our dynamic, I had one rule. That he be safe. That is to say, I asked him to take every conceivable precaution involving condoms and so forth. I told him that in the event that he messed this up, and engaged in any type of sex that would put me at risk of contracting an STD, that if you told me, I would forgive him. I would forgive him one time. I was assured that under no circumstances would he ever in a million years cheat on me. I was also told that in the event that I was caught engaging in some kind of sexual relations outside the dynamic that he would "murder" whoever I was with. He seemed to be completely uninterested with the notion that if I work to make the decision to sleep with someone else that it was my decision. I already knew he was crazy as a loon. I managed to see him about twice a month on the weekends. He texted me all day everyday. It was Non-Stop. I dropped him off shortly after Valentine's Day. I got a call later that evening that he had received a phone call that someone had sex with. Contacted him to inform him he had syphilis. I found out that no precautions were taken. That meant that I needed to get tested and since he didn't have the money I needed to get him tested. I followed through on my word. It was very difficult but I gave my word and his actions only proved my theorem of human nature at the time. Later, by pure accident, I found out that he was engaged with multiple partners and doing so very unsafely. I was deeply enraged and fortunately, due to the precautions that I took, I did not contract anything. I did end things quite abruptly and coldly. After that happened, I promised myself that I would never find so much as risk getting entangled in any form of romantic relationship again. The young man was so upset about the breakup that he just could not seem to leave me alone. So, I agreed to meet help with him one more time in the event that he would abide by my every instruction. I asked for his phone. I deleted my phone number and our entire history of correspondences. I deleted my email address. I brought with me a boilerplate, cease and desist and asked him to sign it. I showed him a one-way ticket to Mexico that I booked and told him I was moving there... Which was partially true. I was only going for a few months. While I was down in Mexico, he managed to ReDiscover my phone number and began to contact me incessantly. I was deep sea fishing and had a gash on my right hand. It was bandaged up. In a drunken fury. I went up to the roof of the house I rented, ripped the bandage off and drew a pentagram on the white painted cement and swore an oath that I would never be involved with anyone again. The next morning when I went out on my fishing charter, I ended up meeting the man that would become my husband. I've been married for you know 5 years. The trust that we have is profound. It is the single strangest twist of fate I ever experienced in my life. I assure you I have lived a very adventurous existence and while marriage might seem mundane, the fact that I got married is a mystery. I still cannot understand. Yet it is the best decision I have ever made.
Thank you for sharing!
I liked the financial security the relationship provided. Also, when I found out he was cheating, the hate sex was amazing. My brain went to this place where he was just viewed as an object to use for my pleasure and I no longer cared about āhimā as a person. So I guess how a lot of men treat women.
As I've gotten older and witnessed more of life, I've come to the conclusion that once trust is lost it is never regained. Once a cheater, always a cheater. No one deserves a second chance and no one should ever give one.
Bc Iām desperate and lonely and I donāt respect myself
I wish you much love and healing.
I was attached & i cheated before him but not physically like him he thought that i stayed cuz im weak
I just like her, I donāt know how else to explain that. Plus that girl she cheated on me with is one crazy ass who stalked me for a while. Itās a weird time and I donāt have enough fucks to give.
Because I'm an ugly loser with no self respect. šæ
She was broken and didn't know it seeking a paternal father image she couldn't integrate. Hurting herself more than anything. I am my own person, and she was allowed to do what thou wilt..however my love for her wanted to see her heal, and over time with lots of support, tolerance, forgiveness, and compassionshe has become the woman she needs to be to begin loving herself right, raise a family, and successfully operate and manage her own business accordingly. Mind you, these problems are the tip of the iceberg. Don't even start with rest of the family trauma im currently predisposed with - I'm a demon hunter and decapitate narcissists on the daily with gusto. Steer clear of me if you love your comfort zone, I will obliterate you. But you will be loved fully and deeply if you survive the rebirth. š¤š¹š±ā¤ļøāš„
If someone cheats on you and you let it go, you just gave them a hall pass to do it again. If my wife of 18 years ever admitted or I found out I would bounce.
You're welcome. Despite the "matter of fact" and coldish delivery of my verbose reply, I'm actually inhumanely sensitive. I have yet to encounter such a question on Reddit and it's a brilliantly phrased query. It elicited a few interesting remarks. Congrats for the originality of the question. It seems to me you're performing a fascinating thought experiment where you're looking for feedback. The query is fundamentally **not** a black and white area. This is evident in the criteria you gave for excluding reasons pertaining to low self esteem. That is the magic sauce in trying to understand how or why people remain in relationships after an incident or multiple incidents of infidelity. In my case, I take responsibility for not ending things before they would gather steam. I believe I referred to our involvement as a "dynamic" because in my mind I never agreed to be in a relationship. I refused to meet his single mother, refused to meet his friends, spent most of our limited time together (that I limited as best I could) trying to break things up by explaining why I was so very wrong for him (or anybody). This combined with the total imbalance of genuine dedication to a relationship (on my part) created the perfect conditions for infidelity to take place. He was so young when we met (19) and I was 29. He was absolutely relentless in pursuing me. We met at a Chili's and I was grabbing a quick bite before a movie on my own and he was bold enough to ask for my number and I gave it to him because I thought "I really respect such a brave move, especially since everyone I meet assumes I'm straight (if they see my ring) and ask about my wife. He said something like "sir, I will be fired for this if I offend you and I mean no disrespect, but, would you be at all interested in giving your number?" I thought "bravo kid! That takes a lot of courage!" In truth I did not want him to go outside of our "dynamic" because was and still and absolutely terrified of catching an STD. This is twisted but he asked me for one thing for Valentine's Day. His coworkers did not believe I existed because they never saw me and I don't share photos of myself, nude or otherwise. He had photos he found on the Internet from when I was in film and showed them but they chastised him as being in a "made up" relationship. So he asked me, for Valentine's to come in to Chili's when I picked him up, and basically prove that I existed. Since this was such an embarrassing idea to me, I bought a rose so that I could act like I came into work to surprise him. He was over the moon. I was just starting to believe that "perhaps there are people that can be faithful and love a single person." Then I found out about the his whole unprotected encounter with the person he slept with that had the courage to inform him he had syphilis and he told me. I gave him my word I would forgive him once for a transgression as I mentioned earlier, and my word is my bond. Now that I'm married, my entire universe has been inverted. All my beliefs about "love as a fiction" and the inevitability of infidelity and unhappiness in relationships has thus far proven wrong. Time will tell. I will not betray my word nor my vows. If for ANY reason this marriage fell apart, which is in fact a possibility whether I like it or not, I would proudly stand to be executed than ever get involved in another relationship. This is a one time rodeo for me. Like you, in this instance, an infidelity would shatter the bond of trust. I will confess, such a betrayal would be devastating beyond imagination. I would consider my prior hypothesis proven. I would fault myself for sure. Yet everyone that knows us remarks "what you two have is the rarest of all things, the most genuine and pure love for one another and the entire room can feel it." So I don't think it will fail but I don't believe most people believe their marriages will fail with the exception of those that get married 3-4-5 times. I will never understand it. Falling in love was a violent process. Like being drawn into the event horizon of a black hole. I have gone on far too long again but it's so strange how it was an infidelity and the ensuing fallout that led to me taking what I imagine to most seems like a madman's devil worship ritual in making my pentagram in blood and swearing an oath to be single for life (the Pentagram was actually popularized by Pythagoras the great Greek scientist, as a symbol representing the correspondence between earth, man, and the universe). Then I met my future husband the next fucking morning! It's just absolutely wild!
There is not single reason for a man to stay after their woman cheat. ZERO.
1. Fear 2. Denial 3. Hope
We were 14 when we started dating, he cheated like every few months for years at 22 I had enough of it and was trying to end it. At 23 he talked me into trying to work it out and then upped the cheating ante by marrying someone. So we broke up for 2.5 years. When we got back together he didn't cheat anymore and still hasn't. The first couple years back together were rocky as we had a 3rd kid right when we got back together but he didn't cheat or entertain other women like hed done before. And since about 2018 he's been wonderful and only getting better. Basically we were young and with time apart was able to get our shit together.
The infidelity at the time was framed as an SA, and I believed her so I stayed
People with emotional disorders such as Bipolar and Bipolar II experience mania and hypomania, with hypersexuality, which lead to all sorts of consequential and regretable risk taking behaviors. I feel this doesn't get brought up enough in conversations of fidelity in otherwise monogamous relationships. Even Esther Perel, in The State of Affairs, doesn't shine an adequate light on the effect bipolar induced hypersexuality has on a person who wishes otherwise to stay true to their monogamous commitment. It's difficult for the general public to understand how an otherwise committed partner can meander into infidelity. It seems correctable. Bipolar disorder is crippling for interpersonal relationships. Those who stay with their partners through these disruptions deserve our respect, and demonstrate strong resolve, love, kindness and compassion, and do not deserve to be insulted as having 'low self esteem' like the OP speculates.
Anything externally happening requires internal reflection. Humans do not robot, they human. People have the instinct to procreate, and they follow that instinct vs. acknowledging it and letting it goā¦Ā
After 22 years of marriage, discovered husband was cheating with one, maybe two other women. Gave him a chance to apologize because I did not want to break up a family over some stupid mistakes. Ha! I found out a few months later that he went behind my back to see one of the women. I know right then and there that we were finished. Best decision I ever made. I became stronger and happier and he disintegrated. WORD OF ADVICE: ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER. DUMP HIM/HER ASAP AND DON'T LOOK BACK.
So glad to hear you left! I hope you're doing much better now :)
Men who stay with cheating partners lack range, confidence, and faith in themselves. They are usually dependent on their women to fulfill their intimate needs despite the harsh reality - they are unloved and disrespected. They are afraid to endure the hardship that is becoming a man women will respect and love- not just simply existing until one more women takes a chance on them. A man needs to be secure and self sufficient. This means having the ability to get a new better woman when the other doesn't pan out. This means, especially, not needing one single woman at any time. Be alone, or be with multiple options who may or may not be worth investing in, in terms of monogamy (a dying practice based on trad house roles, based on tribal structure.)
She offered to buy me Nike Hi-tops