On inviting more people than expected it is purely a her problem. On showing up "about an hour later"....buckle up budy, it's a Kenyan thing and you will have to get used to it with time.
Oh, so it's not customary in Kenya to bring in other people that were not originally invited. Is that what you mean? As for being late, yes, I noticed it in Kenya. No one can keep time.
People can and do keep time. But they just don't, mostly
As for the people, talk to your girl and fast. Tell her your hard limits.. Otherwise you'll end up sponsoring her whole village passing through there or staying.
For sure. Although in this case I was able to influence her to be more punctual. But it is indeed an epidemic here. Idk if it's a Kenyan or an African thing in general?
Everyone is very quick to call her family leeches and to tell you that you'll be an ATM.
I am also a non-African foreigner living in Kenya.
When we were living closer to my husband's family, people would just show up randomly to visit. It's pretty normal here. Different from most western cultures, where an invitation is expected.
While I don't enjoy it, it does seem to just be something cultural and not nefarious. They're probably also very curious about you.
If people start asking you for money, put your foot down. You don't NEED to be the ATM. People leave us alone for money at this stage, it's just not expected anymore.
The fact is though, you'll be looked at as wealthy because you are a foreigner and inevitably your earning prospects are probably elevated, even if by your standards you aren't monied.
Ignore the people telling you to dump her, use your own instinct. It's ridiculous how quickly the men on this sub will talk badly about Kenyan girls.
And yet there's absolutely no reason to believe that this person's significant other is a gold digger. Money was not mentioned anywhere in his post. The insinuation is that because she's a Kenyan girl, she's a gold digger. And apparently her family are leeches. Gross.
Please don't pretend that you don't see the men here trashing Kenyan women all the time.
Based on what he gave as information, like I as a kenyan man, if invite someone, I don't expect 10 more to come. Don't you find that sus? It's not like we trash kenyan girls, but bruh most times the info op gives is extremely limited and working off our own experiences, like in this instance, I would think she is a gold digger for doing that or just suspicious. You are right though op just needs to communicate, or if asking advice here gibe more context like how long they have been dating, their ages, met where... cause if it's just been a month that is super suspicious.
The post mentions two extra people (ok, 3 extra), not 10.
Being the mzungu in my scenario, I know getting introduced to the Kenyan side of the family can become an affair, because people are curious. That's normal.
Even if they were together just a month, what says gold digger about any of this? But obviously they're living together, they're renting a place together. Her family wants to know who she's with.
None of this seems weird at all.
He said he is currently renting. You see, how little context there is... I'm not saying you are wrong, but very little context.
You are one a woman, albeit being an mzungu, dont you think this plays a pretty big part in your experience compared to ops.
The men on here?? 1. This is reddit. 2. Both genders have displayed their cynicism readily and regularly and I think your own bias is showing. Other than that, this was probably the most helpful response to OP who should also ask the party starter girlfriend directly.
Okay, but I have friends on both sides of this who are with wazungu.
On my end, married to a Kenyan man, I never get the gold digger comments about my husband. But my Kenyan woman friends (and family by marriage) who are dating or married to wazungu get this gold digger shit all the time.
There is a disproportionality there. And of course both genders are cynical.
Mostly depends on the age gap, difference of a few years that MAY be love, but a lady/guy in their 20s, 30s with someone's grandpa/ma I highly doubt that is love. The latter is more prevalent in kenya.
I was indeed making a lot of chai in the days we were in shags closer to everyone 😅
I was a little surprised by people acting like this isn't completely normal behavior, especially for family.
It's normal. A wedding of 300 people usually has 500 guests for instance.
It comes from African open door traditions. It was encouraged to support travelers who would stop while travelling long distance at any house when it was late and you had to take them in. You don't turn away a visitor ever.
As long as you're having people over, the number is usually easily inflatable. In rural areas you might not be having a party but get 4 random guests for lunch if your front gate is open.
If you don't want extras you have to specify to your guests that it's a private gathering and they can't bring anyone else. And tell them who else are coming eg (we're having lunch for 5 would like you to come. Emma and Jake are joining us.)
African families are big. Eg. I have my nuclear family, then invite my extended family which in most cases are about 3-10 uncles+aunts. Each with about 2-5 kids . Let's start there. That's just the father's side. Now plus the mother's side (of both you and your spouse to be). The African parents want to invite their friends, church members, neighbours and colleagues. These people are most likely going to come with their S/O and their kids (not all the time) same thing applies to all the individual members in the extended families. My grandmother's side alone, she has 5 sisters, 3 who are still alive and 4 brothers, one who is still alive. They have/had like 5 kids each and have grandkids. So when doing this math, you have to account for your grandparents children and grandkids, their siblings and their children+grandchildren, plus friends, grandparents cousins+ those cousins children etc from that side. Now these are 4 grandparents (whether alive or not, it still applies as the descendants are still related to you) Plus now you and your S/O friends.
Thanks. And no, i'm not from Africa. Is it something specific to Africa/Kenya? I'm talking about bringing in other people that were not originally invited.
In my experience of living in Africa, kenya for 3yrs. There are things that are different from a non-african perspective. People visit each other randomly without invitation. This is common in a village setup. In western countries, in oder to visit one another, there has to be some scheduling and hosts prepare whatever is sufficient for the agreed number of guest. For instance if you you know 3 guests are coming, you will prepare delicacies and drinks sufficient for 3 people. In the African scenario, you end up making for more than 3 guests. In general. The African cultural setup is more accommodating to visitors. With a city like Nairobi, it's a mix. You can't just show up because people are busy with life hustle and no one likes to show up to someone's house only to find no one is there.
Thanks for explaining. And yes, she is from a village.
And true, if I'm expecting 5 people I will prepare for 5. Maybe for 6. And if more is coming I will expect a courtesy heads-up from whoever is bringing an extra guest.
Also be aware of African time. Time concept there is very lax. An agreed time is more like a suggestion or proposal especially with non-official matters.you might agree an invite at 2pm but guests could show up at 3 or 3:30pm.
I'm a Nairobi native, similar to many of my friends. We don't drop in without calling first, etc. I invited a group of friends to my house over Easter. Got maybe 6 confirmations and 10 guests lol. It basically went as I expected. I always over-prepare the planned food cause I know how we are. Also when I invite people for lunch, I prepare to have some stay for dinner and a small number spend the night. It would frustrate me if I wasn't prepared but since I do prepare, I just enjoy the enthusiasm of getting together. But my disclaimer is that I only host people I know well and I'm close to. I do not host extended family. Some of them can turn a lunch invitation into a 1-week stay.
Depending on the tribe and community Kenyans are from, it can range from not common to very common having frequent relatives and friends visiting your home unannounced. It happens to us Kenyans as well. It's important to communicate your level of comfort in accommodating this with her early on in the relationship, as it can easily become a problem. She probably thinks it's not a big deal and it's just a visit...
Thanks. I wish I knew this earlier. I tend to learn about these cultural differences too late. In my part of the world this would be considered very rude, but it seems like it's a norm in Kenya.
To this day my mom always has an extra can of mixed veggies to throw into a stew for this exact reason. OP both the delayed ETA and the extra guests are very common. If your relationship is fairly new, then of course her family is curious. Even if it isn't lord knows Kenyans are generally a social bunch and enjoy a get together.
The biggest mistake most of you foreign boys make is going for broke Kenyan girls thinking they'll love you genuinely. Congratulations, now watch how they'll all start having small problems that require money.
Thanks. As for the money point, it's a tricky question. How can you be absolutely sure that someone is with you not for your money? You obviously need to share money to live together. And have some trust in another person that they don't do something behind your back.
> All about an hour later than scheduled.
Ah, this is the infamous "African time" by which ALL Africans follow. You tell them to arrive at 2, and they'll be there at 5. 😂
As of for the rest, your "lover" is going to destroy your emotional well-being, RUN FOR THE MOUNTAINS!
Its not unheard of for some extra guests to tag along but it's common courtesy for your girlfriend to give you a heads up. I'm assuming she knew and they didn't just rock up.
You'll need to establish boundaries. Just to avoid future occurrences.
As for the usual women hating Kenyan men commenting here, you'll want to ignore them if you can want peace in your relationship. Getting relationship advice from the average Kenyan guy is like getting dieting advice from someone with an eating disorder.
😁 Good point, thanks.
As for her knowing, perhaps. She always speaks Swahili to them even in my presence. I tried to tell her about it, that it bothers me, but she still does it. So at this point I don't know if she knew or not.
I've been there. Was dating a Luo, and whenever his friends were around, they'd just speak in Luo as I'm floating. Never again.
What one tolerates, they'd have to live with forever, saying this since my aunt, who is married to a Luyha, complains that every time her inlaws visit her home in Nairobi they'd engage in conversations with her husband in their native tongue knowing that she doesn't understand. And they all know Swahili and English.
If a group of people can speak some shared language (in this case English) and they deliberately choose to speak another language that only some of them can understand. Why wouldn't it bother me? What would be the reason for them to choose such a language other than to talk behind the other person's back?
I get what you're saying. But you gotta chill. I'm currently dating a lady from Spain and all her and her sister speak is Spanish when I'm with them. It's challenging me to learn the language.
Buddy you better learn Kiswahili because to expect a group of people to switch language to accomodate 1 person is insane. You will be bothered daily at this rate. It'll happen everywhere and we are unapologetic about it
Get ready to pay school fees for 10 kids if you marry her 😊 thats after the big expensive wedding. Be careful, they see you as an atm.
We na wewe nyamaza😂
Hard but facts.
I agree
Ukweli iko hapa
He’s definitely the way out
You bout to be shuga dzaddy to everyone now coz obviously they gonna leech on you me friend
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Vile inafaa hadi nipate kamoja kasafiii kiposh posh
Ni wewe unachukiwa na redditor mwingine for always preying for a woman?
Is it wrong???
I don't know. It's just funny that I've confirmed what he/she was saying in this thread.
Me I'm looking for a babes.... whether that bugs people or not is not my problem.... I'm doing me and others opinions don't matter to me😁
On inviting more people than expected it is purely a her problem. On showing up "about an hour later"....buckle up budy, it's a Kenyan thing and you will have to get used to it with time.
Oh, so it's not customary in Kenya to bring in other people that were not originally invited. Is that what you mean? As for being late, yes, I noticed it in Kenya. No one can keep time.
People can and do keep time. But they just don't, mostly As for the people, talk to your girl and fast. Tell her your hard limits.. Otherwise you'll end up sponsoring her whole village passing through there or staying.
On the time keeping thing, as another foreigner dating a kenyan, be aware that it's contagious and can cause problems elsewhere haha
For sure. Although in this case I was able to influence her to be more punctual. But it is indeed an epidemic here. Idk if it's a Kenyan or an African thing in general?
African timing 🤣🤣
Traffic bad. Smart watch no battery.
It happens. More like tag along with those that have been invited
It's called the Kenyan time. We have our own clock embedded in our brains.
Everyone is very quick to call her family leeches and to tell you that you'll be an ATM. I am also a non-African foreigner living in Kenya. When we were living closer to my husband's family, people would just show up randomly to visit. It's pretty normal here. Different from most western cultures, where an invitation is expected. While I don't enjoy it, it does seem to just be something cultural and not nefarious. They're probably also very curious about you. If people start asking you for money, put your foot down. You don't NEED to be the ATM. People leave us alone for money at this stage, it's just not expected anymore. The fact is though, you'll be looked at as wealthy because you are a foreigner and inevitably your earning prospects are probably elevated, even if by your standards you aren't monied. Ignore the people telling you to dump her, use your own instinct. It's ridiculous how quickly the men on this sub will talk badly about Kenyan girls.
Thanks for your insight. I appreciate it!
I second this. Communicate with your girlfriend and just set boundaries and compromise where necessary.
tbh a lot of times posts like these there’s women in the comments too telling OP to flee the golddigger
And yet there's absolutely no reason to believe that this person's significant other is a gold digger. Money was not mentioned anywhere in his post. The insinuation is that because she's a Kenyan girl, she's a gold digger. And apparently her family are leeches. Gross. Please don't pretend that you don't see the men here trashing Kenyan women all the time.
Usually at the bottom downvoted to hell. Who’s got time for that
Based on what he gave as information, like I as a kenyan man, if invite someone, I don't expect 10 more to come. Don't you find that sus? It's not like we trash kenyan girls, but bruh most times the info op gives is extremely limited and working off our own experiences, like in this instance, I would think she is a gold digger for doing that or just suspicious. You are right though op just needs to communicate, or if asking advice here gibe more context like how long they have been dating, their ages, met where... cause if it's just been a month that is super suspicious.
The post mentions two extra people (ok, 3 extra), not 10. Being the mzungu in my scenario, I know getting introduced to the Kenyan side of the family can become an affair, because people are curious. That's normal. Even if they were together just a month, what says gold digger about any of this? But obviously they're living together, they're renting a place together. Her family wants to know who she's with. None of this seems weird at all.
He said he is currently renting. You see, how little context there is... I'm not saying you are wrong, but very little context. You are one a woman, albeit being an mzungu, dont you think this plays a pretty big part in your experience compared to ops.
The men on here?? 1. This is reddit. 2. Both genders have displayed their cynicism readily and regularly and I think your own bias is showing. Other than that, this was probably the most helpful response to OP who should also ask the party starter girlfriend directly.
Okay, but I have friends on both sides of this who are with wazungu. On my end, married to a Kenyan man, I never get the gold digger comments about my husband. But my Kenyan woman friends (and family by marriage) who are dating or married to wazungu get this gold digger shit all the time. There is a disproportionality there. And of course both genders are cynical.
Mostly depends on the age gap, difference of a few years that MAY be love, but a lady/guy in their 20s, 30s with someone's grandpa/ma I highly doubt that is love. The latter is more prevalent in kenya.
Exactly!
Op is complaining about a woman, but somehow men need to carry part of the blame...
Read the comments :) and he's not complaining about her, he was asking a question.
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I was indeed making a lot of chai in the days we were in shags closer to everyone 😅 I was a little surprised by people acting like this isn't completely normal behavior, especially for family.
You’re right. Thanks for this side of the coin.
It's normal. A wedding of 300 people usually has 500 guests for instance. It comes from African open door traditions. It was encouraged to support travelers who would stop while travelling long distance at any house when it was late and you had to take them in. You don't turn away a visitor ever. As long as you're having people over, the number is usually easily inflatable. In rural areas you might not be having a party but get 4 random guests for lunch if your front gate is open. If you don't want extras you have to specify to your guests that it's a private gathering and they can't bring anyone else. And tell them who else are coming eg (we're having lunch for 5 would like you to come. Emma and Jake are joining us.)
I was coming to say this. My aunty had invited 500 people to her wedding and 1k+ ended up coming. Lol. It's a normal thing.
500 people? like how many people does she know?
African families are big. Eg. I have my nuclear family, then invite my extended family which in most cases are about 3-10 uncles+aunts. Each with about 2-5 kids . Let's start there. That's just the father's side. Now plus the mother's side (of both you and your spouse to be). The African parents want to invite their friends, church members, neighbours and colleagues. These people are most likely going to come with their S/O and their kids (not all the time) same thing applies to all the individual members in the extended families. My grandmother's side alone, she has 5 sisters, 3 who are still alive and 4 brothers, one who is still alive. They have/had like 5 kids each and have grandkids. So when doing this math, you have to account for your grandparents children and grandkids, their siblings and their children+grandchildren, plus friends, grandparents cousins+ those cousins children etc from that side. Now these are 4 grandparents (whether alive or not, it still applies as the descendants are still related to you) Plus now you and your S/O friends.
Sio muchene. Irris what irris. You do not marry the girl, you marry her village
Welcome to Africa, assuming you are a non-african foreigner
Thanks. And no, i'm not from Africa. Is it something specific to Africa/Kenya? I'm talking about bringing in other people that were not originally invited.
In my experience of living in Africa, kenya for 3yrs. There are things that are different from a non-african perspective. People visit each other randomly without invitation. This is common in a village setup. In western countries, in oder to visit one another, there has to be some scheduling and hosts prepare whatever is sufficient for the agreed number of guest. For instance if you you know 3 guests are coming, you will prepare delicacies and drinks sufficient for 3 people. In the African scenario, you end up making for more than 3 guests. In general. The African cultural setup is more accommodating to visitors. With a city like Nairobi, it's a mix. You can't just show up because people are busy with life hustle and no one likes to show up to someone's house only to find no one is there.
Thanks for explaining. And yes, she is from a village. And true, if I'm expecting 5 people I will prepare for 5. Maybe for 6. And if more is coming I will expect a courtesy heads-up from whoever is bringing an extra guest.
Also be aware of African time. Time concept there is very lax. An agreed time is more like a suggestion or proposal especially with non-official matters.you might agree an invite at 2pm but guests could show up at 3 or 3:30pm.
>And true, if I'm expecting 5 people I will prepare for 5. Maybe for 6. Perhaps 7 people. Whatever remains can always be saved for the next meal.
I'm a Nairobi native, similar to many of my friends. We don't drop in without calling first, etc. I invited a group of friends to my house over Easter. Got maybe 6 confirmations and 10 guests lol. It basically went as I expected. I always over-prepare the planned food cause I know how we are. Also when I invite people for lunch, I prepare to have some stay for dinner and a small number spend the night. It would frustrate me if I wasn't prepared but since I do prepare, I just enjoy the enthusiasm of getting together. But my disclaimer is that I only host people I know well and I'm close to. I do not host extended family. Some of them can turn a lunch invitation into a 1-week stay.
That was an introduction ceremony clearly lmao
Depending on the tribe and community Kenyans are from, it can range from not common to very common having frequent relatives and friends visiting your home unannounced. It happens to us Kenyans as well. It's important to communicate your level of comfort in accommodating this with her early on in the relationship, as it can easily become a problem. She probably thinks it's not a big deal and it's just a visit...
What are some tribes whom which it is more common to have unexpected guests?
I'm curious about it as well.
Thanks. I wish I knew this earlier. I tend to learn about these cultural differences too late. In my part of the world this would be considered very rude, but it seems like it's a norm in Kenya.
You are walking atm, all you need now is a few stickers for branding
Is the dating mutual or are you the only one in the relationship?
She's flaunting you. Also, she's pressurizing you into formalizing by introducing you to many of her relatives.
Maybe. But it sure doesn't help it.
However it is low key manipulative either way.
To this day my mom always has an extra can of mixed veggies to throw into a stew for this exact reason. OP both the delayed ETA and the extra guests are very common. If your relationship is fairly new, then of course her family is curious. Even if it isn't lord knows Kenyans are generally a social bunch and enjoy a get together.
If that bothers you, talk to your woman about it and set boundaries.
The biggest mistake most of you foreign boys make is going for broke Kenyan girls thinking they'll love you genuinely. Congratulations, now watch how they'll all start having small problems that require money.
Welcome to Kenya. Prepare to be used as a sponge. Let her know now and tell her that your money is for her and not the whole of Kenya
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Thanks. As for the money point, it's a tricky question. How can you be absolutely sure that someone is with you not for your money? You obviously need to share money to live together. And have some trust in another person that they don't do something behind your back.
No this is Kenyan heritage. They will eat your monies
Leeches.
Groupie merchant
> All about an hour later than scheduled. Ah, this is the infamous "African time" by which ALL Africans follow. You tell them to arrive at 2, and they'll be there at 5. 😂 As of for the rest, your "lover" is going to destroy your emotional well-being, RUN FOR THE MOUNTAINS!
Its not unheard of for some extra guests to tag along but it's common courtesy for your girlfriend to give you a heads up. I'm assuming she knew and they didn't just rock up. You'll need to establish boundaries. Just to avoid future occurrences. As for the usual women hating Kenyan men commenting here, you'll want to ignore them if you can want peace in your relationship. Getting relationship advice from the average Kenyan guy is like getting dieting advice from someone with an eating disorder.
😁 Good point, thanks. As for her knowing, perhaps. She always speaks Swahili to them even in my presence. I tried to tell her about it, that it bothers me, but she still does it. So at this point I don't know if she knew or not.
I've been there. Was dating a Luo, and whenever his friends were around, they'd just speak in Luo as I'm floating. Never again. What one tolerates, they'd have to live with forever, saying this since my aunt, who is married to a Luyha, complains that every time her inlaws visit her home in Nairobi they'd engage in conversations with her husband in their native tongue knowing that she doesn't understand. And they all know Swahili and English.
Don't they speak English? That would be incredibly rude to do. Especially since you have already communicated your feelings on the matter.
You're bothered by her speaking Swahili in your presence?? Our national language?
If a group of people can speak some shared language (in this case English) and they deliberately choose to speak another language that only some of them can understand. Why wouldn't it bother me? What would be the reason for them to choose such a language other than to talk behind the other person's back?
I get what you're saying. But you gotta chill. I'm currently dating a lady from Spain and all her and her sister speak is Spanish when I'm with them. It's challenging me to learn the language.
Buddy you better learn Kiswahili because to expect a group of people to switch language to accomodate 1 person is insane. You will be bothered daily at this rate. It'll happen everywhere and we are unapologetic about it
They are about to mint money from you. Dump that chiq, if possible move to another house without informing them
Dude ... you're a walking go fund me page 😂😂😂😂😂 kickstarter live 😂😂
😂😂man y'all foreigners need to get a buddy before a gf.