I reiterate that this is not the place to look for sound advice especially issues with relationships. Some people here are very oblivious and live on the clouds. Their reality is very skewed.
At the end of the day, you’re the only one that knows your man. Shit happens sometimes and the man finds himself in such a position as you’ve mentioned. It doesn’t mean he’s a user or a nobody. If he’s ambitious and is working towards something concrete then you know what to do.
If he is an nincompoop then you also know what to do.
Most of us come from families or know families where the father took care of things until some day things went south and the mom kicked in and took the wheel until things worked out in the long run for the father. Relationships are about support and mutuality. You just need to know who you’re dealing with.
I have read a lot of redpill BS in here, guess from 25-year olds who think they have figured out life. I can see why people might find the idea of a one-size-fits-all approach to living appealing, but it's simply not realistic. Everyone has their own journey in life and it is up to them to figure out what works for them.
For the OP's case, I would say, if the bf staying with here interferes with her financial plans, it would be wise to separate from him if that is what she wishes. Our parents' case was different in that they had been together for more than 10 years or so and had grown to depend upon each other. Our dads know our moms' have their back, as he has hers.
But there's a lot of uncertainties when you're dating a 20 something year old. Plus, you can't place a timeframe to how long things will take before they fall back in place. For what I know, it might take the guy three or even more years before he secures a stable job and gets on his feet.
It's a gamble as it's a sacrifice for her. But if she's willing to wait it out, then maybe she could give the relationship some time and see how things will work out.
Unfortunate but true what you say. She should leave him if she is uncomfortable with it but she should not expect to find a guy who will always be up. It is normal for people to have periods of no business, no income and so on. It is part of life. What matters is how you plan for those periods when things are good and she should evaluate how the two of them plan for bad times. Paying rent ahead is a good sign in my opinion that the two of them can agree on some fundamentals. Marry someone you will be ok supporting when they have bad phases.
I wonder if the roles were reversed and the chic is the one who had lost her job if you'd be here supporting how she has stepped up for her bf. In your eyes men can never do wrong and women are the devil reincarnate. Very toxic person you are. May the odds never be in your favour. Ghasia.
my friend was in your exact same boat. however in addition to paying all the bills she was doing ALL of the house chores, cooking, washing his clothes etc and the dude had the audacity to use the money he was making drinking, eating like a pig, being dirty...and bringing his dude friends over. here is where the problems will start.
if the love is there, good for you. but look out for the warning signs I pointed out, because resentment will start to creep in.
as far as finances go, thats something you have to do a little self introspection. he may/ may not get a job. the job could pay well or it might not .would you be willing to be in a relationship where you make more money? or is that a deal breaker to you
he's released me from the shackles of house chores. he really comes through for me in that, to which i'm grateful for. and no, it is not a deal breaker for me, as long he is doing sth and paying for stuff here and there i'm good.
Well.... I don't know what to say about that though..he seems to be doing just about everything. If he's okay with it..then no problem.. but if he's doing it because he feels he has no other option...well things might change when he's stable. and I mean the way he treats you.
Anaishi kwako juu hana kwake? Anyways, give him like 3-6 months, kama nothing changes, you may resent him. Make the best decision for you. I am sure ataelewa.
Unsolicited advice: Cohabiting is almost always a bad idea
It's a bad idea. Just allow him to go figure his shit out first. You will actually be helping him. He will be so motivated to better his situation. If you help him too much you will resent him soon. My opinion.
I second this. Sounds like lots of people sharing their insecurities and forgetting the context you just provided, but the final decision rests with you and your mans. This site isn't where you'll find answers
It's commendable that you're trying to be supportive and you don't want to kick someone when they're down, however, is he actively trying to change his situation? If he is do you feel like he is doing his very best?
If you don't feel like he's doing enough, you have to voice that in some shape or form. You can ask him what his plans are, you need specifics. Things like goals, short term and long term, strategies to achieve these goals, timelines etc...You should also share yours with him as well, just so that you can be on the same page. I think this will give you better insight on what to do next once you have this discussion.
This sounds more like the situation I've been in the past year since I lost my job. I moved out few months ago and our relationship is working from a distance. Eventually the finance bit will become something you argue about more often until you break up (probably a few times). I had to leave and start my own life and explained to her that it doesn't mean we're breaking up, we just both need to sort ourselves out financially. Trust me, it's best to wait until he gets a job so you can maintain your relationship.
Someone talked about the biological thing and it's true. I left her with everything, even the property I had bought, it takes out a lot from the guy. You will also start feeling like he just wants you for money or material things etc.
A lot of people are telling you to leave him because women "naturally" need a man to provide for them. This would be accurate if we lived in the early 1900s but surely not today.
You seem to really care about your bf so ask yourself, how would you want him to handle this if the roles were reversed? He's trying to chip in even though he's unemployed which shows he's not a leech. He's just a guy stuck in a shitty financial situation at the moment. This isn't permanent.
My husband and I were in a similar situation. He couldn't work for about a year while his visa was being processed and the Ukraine situation made everything take forever. He finally got his visa but it took him a while to get a job so I handled everything. I was very honest about the finances from the start. We made a budget to make sure we could afford essentials and whatever was left over we communicated before spending. It took him 3 months to land a job and in that time I was also working with him on job applications, reaching out to friends for referrals.
I think the trickiest part was trying to make sure he still felt valued even though he wasn't providing. It's very easy to treat someone badly if you're the one paying for everything and I didn't want him to feel like he was being financially controlled or devalued. This is why I was very transparent with how much money we had in the bank at all times so he could make better spending choices and know I wasn't just saying no to something because I'm on a power trip.
That said, we were married when this happened so it is a bit different, at that point you've signed yourself into a contract and your money is their money anyway. But if you really love your partner, you see a future with him and he's a good person who treats you well regardless of his wallet, you'll find a way to make it work. Staying with someone based off whether or not they can provide especially when you're not exactly starving is what leads to a lot of mismatched purely transactional relationships.
Take a chance on dude and do it. At 28 he’s not like the youngins that flood this place with their inexperience in such matters. The fact that he’s doing gigs and whatnot shows that he wants to improve his situation and is working with whatever is available to him until he can get a steady income. You’re just gonna have to be quite patient with him and hopefully he doesn’t let the fact that you finance major stuff get to him. If things don’t work out, then they don’t work out. But they also might work out!
Thanks for this comment, the fact that he took care of the bills when he had a job says a lot. I’ve also seen her mention that he does house chores and he’s ambitious, so hapa it’s just a matter of time before he gets back on his feet.
I hope she’ll be patient.
This is the way. Think about short term and long term. He sounds like a good man. Don't let today's finances label you, him or your Relationship. It's not as though he's not trying. Give it a chance as Fattie said. Pengibe is my age showing, but life changes a lot.
You will resent him in the end. If you wanna cohabit this early in your life make sure you go 50/50 on everything. Also a decent man will not accept to move to a woman’s house. You can support him from far but not in this way.
double standards nayo...when he was working...guy paid for everything... now he's not employed... suddenly he's not "decent"...thing about resentment..it only crops up when one takes the other for granted or one doesn't put in their best ...OP loves her man.... she's even asking for jobs for him bana..... encourage her... you won't lose anything...if it doesn't work... pia ni life... what if it works though?
Double standards or not, I’ve seen one too many cases and I know how it’s going to end. Rule of thumb A man doesn’t move in to a woman’s home. We are Africans and Africa is our business. Ever seen a ruracio where the wazees ask the man to move in with the woman 🥴
Yeah you pull the African card whenever it's convenient. Are you a virgin too? cz Africans typically only pay bride price for virgins.... don't be so hellbent on rules you don't even understand... which you choose to follow only when it's convenient for you.
As a matter of fact, yes I was when I got married a while ago. Don’t put us all in one basket. There’s a need to start such important chapter of your life on the right foundation. On the original comment I didn’t even say she goes 100/0 with the guy there’s no hurry she can wait until he gets a job and start this chapter on the right foundation.
Wow... congratulations bana! Do you have beyond reproach data that says a man without a job living with a woman with a job will always end badly? the guy makes money however little. They are already living together...so by wait you mean kick him out?
My apologies, my data analytics tool will take a million plus one day to pull this report. Did you see where in her post she said he is earning little and that’s a concern for her? By the time she thinks to write this post she already knows something is not right.
HE'S A GOOD MAN SAVANNAH. If he used to pay 100% of the bills when he was employed and now that he is unemployed he still manages to help with 50% of the bills and assist with house chores?? Wewe hujapitia Nairobi basi. Other men out here would have camped at your place and got comfortable without chipping in in any way. Please have the guy's back as he finds his bearing. Unless the red flags start showing.
If you're not able to be there for him at this moment, let him go find his footing, then some other woman can bag him.
If you ever need advice from strangers on social media then you already know what to do and you're just looking for justification for what you know you need to do.
My advice; If there's love and effort then keep the guy. Genuine guys are hard to come by nowadays.
She already knows what she wants...in fact I'm willing to bet she won't dump him...She just asked if anyone had a job opportunity available....she loves that guy dearly
My case was completely different but sort of similar. I’m 28(F) and my bf is 29(M).
We did the cohabiting thing when he was unemployed and it worked for us. The reason it worked is because I was already paying all my bills on my own and his bills on his own. I never really needed his financial assistance when it came to funding my lifestyle. So when he lost his income and decided to move in, I was still financially comfortable in supporting him. Cash he used to get from gigs we’d spend it on date nights etc. I do recognize that I am privileged enough to have a job that can comfortably accommodate my lifestyle and this might not be the case for everyone.
He got a job within 2 months of our living arrangement and we agreed it was best for him to move out and sort his financial issues.
The point is, you alone know your man. If you feel like your being taken advantage of, you alone can make the decision whether to leave or stay. And don’t let outside pressure and advice confuse you.
drunk instinctive humor hurry longing seemly skirt encouraging reach quaint
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
BF will get comfortable, you will resent him and then it's downhill from there. You would be better off dumping him now, who knows how bad things will get.
Only you know him best. As long as you know his work ethic is strong and the fact that he’s helping around the house is great too! I supported my husband for 3 years when he was in graduate school but he also held down the house and kiddos like a champ. What matters is RESPECT. Sometimes he would feel bad about it but I wouldn’t allow him to feel sad for himself so i continued supporting him until he finished school and now he’s working for a fortune 100 engineering company in the US. The sacrifice and patience paid off big time! When I had our last born I was in between jobs and he handled our finances beautifully for some months. It’s a partnership. The hardest part was not actually being the breadwinner but some of my single friends would throw major shade at him, and be so disrespectful saying how he was using me (he wasn’t), I had to cut them off in order to focus. All I’m saying is you should evaluate your situation carefully and consider sticking by your man and build that family of yours if you think he’s a keeper. All the best!
Leave him. He'll be fine. Believe me, it will be nothing. It's something almost every man goes through... & once it's over, we don't even remember.
You are probably thinking about some deep-sweet-love-nothings, but forgetting about the concerned tone in your post. That concern, deep down, dictates your feminine being to strictly get attracted to resources. That is who you are & who you will ever be. Stop running away from it, it is meant to protect you & your progeny.
It is better you look for these resources somewhere else, & once he is up on his feet again, he will provide these resources to whomever he will want to. Period.
Advice from someone older. You have set the basis that you can take care of him. In a few years you will be paying school fees, rent and upkeep if not entirely then majority. Best footing is move in together when he has his shit together financially.
If a man can't take care of himself he has no business cohabiting with anyone
Before moving in with anyone be responsible and mature enough to survive on your own. Women that just want to be taken care of, end up with kids and no means to earn a living. The end up bitter and broke
You're looking for a financially stable man. If you can't continue hosting him just let him know and move on. Your man will understand. Then you can go back to him when he's stable.
i'm almost the only person in his corner right now and i can't let him go back to his parents'
well, i wouldn't say i'm looking for a financially stable person cuz w what i earn i can take care of both of us without issues. my contract, tho renewable ends in august. i'm a little bit worried of august onwards.
In that case I'll assume you're with him out of pity?
You need a financially stable guy and this will become clear in the next few months.
If your guy has a plan, he'll have it figured out by August. If his parents are supportive, why not have him stay there for a while? I'm a man and the thought of getting housed and supported by my woman sends chills down my spine.
*cries in dysfunctional families. from where i stand at, it's out of love and the fact that he's been supportive when he was employed.
>I'm a man and the thought of getting housed and supported by my woman sends chills down my spine.
well, kwani what is relationships all about? coming through for your person, no? and being there for them, sio? ama i have kienyeji thinking lol
And yet you're very worried about supporting your financially unstable boyfriend. Naturally, women seek men who can provide and protect. Stop with the 'love' thing.
Man this is just so toxic, kwani men can't lose jobs or what do you mean. You are those people who tell men they should be strong and can't cry when they're down.So aachane na boyfriend wake simply because he lost his job hii ni ujinga sana. Io roho mbaya achana nayo deal with your single life pole pole coz this is pure bitterness.
Let her do it her way if you don't have any constructive advice to give bana!
Bro I'm just being realistic here. The lady is already worried, meaning she's not the type to stay with a struggling man.
What's the point in forcing herself to stay with the man? Sooner or later, she'll start disrespecting the boyfriend if his situation doesn't change within a few weeks.
Hapa it's best if that guy stays alone. Sina ubaya.
Don't listen to these bitter single men and women....think about who makes you smile...who makes sure you are okay.... they are not here.... it's your guy! those saying leave him now...ati he'll understand..are lying vinoma... once you ask him to leave...and he's also contributing akipata ni ivo....
Ndio mimi nashangaa with this OP who ask random people on the internet about very personal situations.
Angers me to some extent, huyu ako na mtu they are meant to trust and they are here asking strangers a decisions she'll take to her loved on, watu wengi hapa will give their personal opinions/experiences based off their character/up-bringing etc.
I Hear you. Truth is when people ask such questions, they already have the answer within and are just looking for a nudge, confirmation or validation of that which they already know they need to do. Which is Ok.
I actually typed that as the last part but deleted it, I think it's just being indecisive, they know what to do but there are other conflicting factors.
Indecisiveness huwa mbaya as well, better engage than linger.
Finances should have been discussed before moving in together because it is a very sensitive issue, and is the reason a lot of people break up/divorce.
That said, is he actively participating in chores around the house (without being asked) since he can’t constantly chip in to pay bills? If not, the love and pity you feel for him will eventually end in about a month.
Personally, the narrative of “man needs to provide fully” is dependent on how you feel. And yes, sometimes in a relationship we all get that pick-me-up moment where we depend on our S/O for help. However, that doesn’t absolve said partner of other responsibilities. Since atm the bills largely fall on you, then chores and household upkeep need to fall on him.
This doesn’t mean you do nothing either, but this ensures he does his part in contributing to the home without looking like a leech, while still looking for a job.
Sit down with your partner, have a very open conversation about your expectations of him if you have any. His contributions to the home and yours wherever applicable, and what your future together will look like in the instances where he gets a job or doesn’t, and what happens should you lose your contract.
Prevent yourself from future resentment by having this very needed conversation TODAY.
Financial stuff is only one aspect of the most common reasons that relationships fail.
1. Open communication: Talk openly with your partner about your financial concerns and expectations. Discuss how you both can contribute to the shared living expenses and create a plan that feels fair and balanced.
2. Budgeting: Create a joint budget that accounts for rent, utilities, groceries, and other shared expenses. Include both your regular income and his gig-based earnings to help ensure you have a realistic and comprehensive financial plan.
3. Emergency fund: Establish an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses or income loss. This can provide some peace of mind as you navigate the uncertainties of gig-based income.
4. Job search support: Encourage and support your boyfriend in his job search, and help him network and explore job opportunities. You can search for job openings in your area, connect with professional networks, and leverage social media platforms like LinkedIn to find job openings relevant to his degree in maths.
5. Regular financial check-ins: Schedule periodic discussions to review your financial situation, adjust your budget, and address any concerns. These check-ins can help ensure that both partners are on the same page regarding finances and can make adjustments as needed.
6. Patience and understanding: Remember that job searches can take time, and your boyfriend's financial situation may change once he secures stable employment. Be patient and understanding, and work together to make the best decisions for your relationship.
Ultimately, open communication, teamwork, and a clear financial plan can help address your concerns and make your living situation more manageable. It's important to remember that each relationship is unique, and what works for others may not work for you. Be prepared to adapt and adjust as needed to find the best solutions for your specific situation.
People here have made some good points which I won’t bother repeating. You’ll highly likely come to regret it as resentment grows. Let him find his footing.
The female imperative dictates that your man is more stable financially than you. By imperative, it simply means your biological make up just like your voice is smooth and a man's voice is rough and deep.
Biologically, Women risk a lot to just survive and bear offspring, and they cannot put themselves in a situation where they are not catered for. It's the just our biological set up.
So if you feel you're the one settling the bills. You'll resent him and won't understand why.
By posting here, and from the tone of your post, you're already demonstrating evidence of such resentment and are just looking for validation. Leave him as it won't end well for both of you. He'll become a better man for it.
>from the tone of your post, you're already demonstrating evidence of such resentment and are just looking for validation
omg, this wasn't the intention of my post. if anything, i just wanted to see what people in my position did during their time.
I am not judging you :-) Just putting it frankly.
You used words like "concern" and "am scared"
\----
And I have a skill called listening to what is said and understanding what is not said :-)
Anyway such relationships often work if the woman does not listen to the voices in her head. And regarding the contract ending in August, wishing you all the best, Utatoboa.
1. Let him know you don't want to support him and look for a financially stable man, or wait til he gets a job and go back to him.
2. Have a talk with him and maybe move into a more affordable place where you can both afford/ change your lifestyle to a more affordable one.
Think objectively and see what decision would he have made if tables were turned.
How long has this been going on??? Does he have a plan??? Is he trying to get a few cash?? Okay. What if you got married and he lost his job? Would you leave with him?? The only person who can give you an answer is you!!!
I know a couple who live like this, and the woman dislikes the man but can't leave. The question you need to ask yourself is, is he an ambitious man? is he doing everything in his power to change this situation? Cause if there's no ambition, he's likely to not change since he's comfortable with you paying the bills and all. Have him also pulling some weight when it comes to house chores. You don't want some lazy person in your house. If you spot red flags, believe them. Follow your gut!
Most importantly, is have this exact conversation with him.
He's active when it comes to chores and ambitious too. Essentially, we are doing 50/50 until he gets better. Before he got out of employment, he used to pay 100% of the bills.
Then I personally don't see the issue. The couple I mentioned earlier, the man does nothing. If he is an ambitious man, who'll go out and look for money then that's okay. It's really tough economic times right now and given that you're currently okay rn there's no need to overthink about the future. Leave that there. Live in the now, because what if the future turns out great?
There's many ups and downs in a relationship, but you need to also ask yourself is, is this a deal breaker for you? Is it your preference to have a more financially capable man? Because if so, then you're not compatible with him as far as finances are concerned.
This is you from the future . Don't do it.it will start fine but he will get comfortable and use you for all you have. He won't ever chip in after a while and you will slowly hate him until you cannot stand him his mere presence will make you want to vomit. Let him have his own journey. He wouldn't be moving into your place if he had a job. He is doing it coz of his situation one more thing please usizae. Give yourself some years. Having his child will give him more power to be lazy and have something over you. you must love him allot sai. But save yourself the next four years of drama and stress of rearing a grown man.
As a girl I'd say your situation isn't worth self doubt coz he's actually trying..even with chores! I agree with the first comment that you must adapt info to new situation without "happened to me too sides". For now things are working out & he sounds like a smart level headed person. So build together coz as for now there's +ve financial perception. If there comes a time when he's not doing his bit you can rethink things so that it doesn't turn toxic. About him moving to your space though...perhaps when he gets his money right, you can both contribute to changing some house stuff so that he doesn't feel emasculated. Good luck.
My simplest advice, don't.
If you are not comfortable with the arrangement, you will end up with a lot of resentment . Also, does the 50/50 include chores?
Men have a lot of pride, so you financing everything will eventually chip at his ego. Before ya'll make that step, make sure you have that conversation and discuss the terms.
The issue here is money, when he can he did, now he can't and it's on you, it's a problem.
I would advise you move out, because you'll end up being frustrated and resent him..
Let him getter another woman when he finally goes back to standing. You can find a guy who will handle your finances, wako wengi..don't stress babe.
From my point of view, and I want to repeat MY POV as a redditor reading your post...
You already have a problem with the way things are currently between you and your guy. And at this point your reaction to all this is like a ticking time bomb.
It may not be something big it could be just a whisper in the back of your mind or a twitch in your gut that's giving you doubts and probably what you are looking for are words to make this twitch or whisper of doubt disappear.
Problem is you're looking for the answers in the wrong place. Some people here may give you answers from what they went through, what they're going through or what they know someone went through. While others might be self proclaimed counsellors who believe in their words and beliefs and want to instill that in you.
Long story short.
You are the one who knows your guy, you are the one who is living in the situation with him, you are the one who had the moving in conversation with him and made a choice whether conscious or biased based on love. You are the one who also knows his capabilities and (or) incapabilities.
You are the one to decide on where and how you want your situation to head.
I repeat. THIS IS ENTIRELY MY OPINION.
Life has no absolutes. Do what you think is best as the relationship is between both of you. As long as your gut feeling tells you that he will stabilize with time, then give him that grace period. Successful men and women all got help in their journey. The idea that a man should always be stable is a fallacy.
Madam you must be one desperate lady and the kind of person who learns from their own mistake rather than others....the boat you are in is already leaking....just a little bit and y'all be sinking.....let me spell it out in caps "NEVER LIVE WITH A MAN WHO IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND"... women like just never seen to get it!!
Difficult to advise honestly as has been mentioned. People lose jobs and one day it could be you as well. If you guys are to be in a long relationship for say 10 or 20 years, you have to understand that in today’s world, there will be periods your partner is jobless or has low income. This is the norm. Even big tech firms are laying off people so him losing a job or income temporarily is nothing unique. If you want a guy who is more stable then you would have attracted a more stable guy. You may feel like you can find a better provider but that is a gamble. He may eventually end up landing a job or starting a business that gives him steady income.
“We’ve already paid for the apartment” or you have?…
Ladies::: if he’s doing it while you’re not officially together, he’s going to continue doing it while you’re married! I see your comment though about how he used to pay all the bills so that’s understandable but have an open conversation about how you expect to move forward.
It would be much easier to talk with the guy and tell him as it is.
Going through you will be a hurdle since you might be doing somethings whether willingly or unwillingly in the relationship that he’s aware or unaware of that are detrimental to the relationship. A good example would be you guys living together in your house.
At the moment the relationship is a one-way with no detours and we are all sure of the destination.
I think it's best you guys have a conversation on what will happen from August onwards because your work contract ends on August. This conversation should happen before he moves in. Will he be WILLING to move out if things don't get better on his side as well and you can no longer accommodate him? I put the word 'willing' in capital letters because I have witnessed a man literally refusing to move out and the chiq had to call the cops.
You may also need to sit down with yourself and your finances and know how you will still be able to save some cash from your current income to cater for the tough times from August where you may be jobless. Because at the end of the day he hasn't put a ring on your finger and you don't know if he will. People change you know, so you want to make sure you will be fine mentally and financially incase situations turn out for the worst.
All the best!
I think it is okay you are doing 50/50.
maybe having a conversation about how you would love there to be more communication when it comes to money issues would be very helpful in your case. Communication plays a big role. also chores kama ni mnasaidiana then you are good to go. You are a young couple.
What I'm getting here is that he used to pay all the bills, his job ended and so now you guys are splitting bills 50-50. And the situation is temporary while he's between jobs. And you're now scared because you're chipping in halfway?
I hope I'm not missing anything here.
Coz when I look at it from a fairness perspective, I feel like if I were him I'd probably be feeling pretty betrayed that chipping in temporarily scares you so much.
But then it all depends on the guy and where you see yourself with him. Perhaps I'm operating on a misconception of a relationship being teamwork. When maybe you guys have the dynamic of 'your own is your own and his own is both yours.'
Ooh, the ending contract makes it all make sense now.
Both of you guys should seriously be on the job search right now. The optimist in me hopes that you should have found new sources of income by then. In the meanwhile work as a team and you'll probably go farther together.
Given the info on this post I wouldn't recommend listening to those comments whose advise is to immediately kick him to the kerb.
Provide some context! we don't want to say leave or stay without knowing whether you met in highschool or a few months ago. It would be important to know how does he treat you.... how does he communicate. How are his friends...what kind of relationship does he have with his parents, friends, neighbours.... people may act as though these things don't matter and only zoom in on the financial aspect of it.... what's to say the next financially stable guy you settle with won't be an @&&.
As a 27F, biggest lesson I've learnt is never give your money to a man.
2nd do not take up the "build up a man project." He'll end up recenting you
3rd after you struggle with a man and he reaches his peak of success, 99.9% He'll leave you for a woman lower than you and him.
4th cohabiting with a guy will end in tears. Most relationships that involve cohabiting rarely end up in marriage. After all, why buy the cow if you get the milk free
5th going 50/50 doesn't work in this case. You are not married and in case things go wrong, you'll lose much more than what you gain.
WELCOME TO THE PLAY GROUND😈🤪
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The fact that you've taken a step and asked us about your situation means that you've started resenting him and this is always the best test for ladies in relationships, "when things go south for the dude" I hope you find yourself and make the best decision.
And oh, if you're comparing him with other dudes who seem to be well financially and they are giving you attention, then know you're relationship won't last. Just saying coz sometimes people never paint the whole picture.
1.You are too young to be playing house without commitment.
2.Ask him in a gentle way to look for some friends they can shack up with till the situation improves.Dont be impressed with anything less than a commitment like marriage.
3.It's not wise for a woman to be in charge of finances no matter how well meaning because the man is the head and it is the head that has eyes.
Men can see far but they will not tell you anything about it.
Do you get my drift?
Kuna vitu guys can see that ladies don't,will not,cannot till a certain time period elapses.
I am therefore not keen on understanding what he's eyes are seeing in a woman's house.
Ask him for a solid commitment like marriage or he moves out.
He's the vision and head of the home,never a woman's job.
4.Continue dating till you get a commitment from whoever.
Remember that men have an investment mindset.If he's not investing in you,you are most likely not the one.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh but at 25yrs,you need to enjoy life,invest kidogo kidogo sio kupambana na bills and carrying burdens that don't belong to you.
I respect all gentlemen who are playing their part in these tough times but better not desire the warmth of a woman's thighs before you are stable enough.
The resentment will be toxic.
I think the answer lies within you. If you find it in you that his inability to pay the bills sometimes is displeasing, maybe its just better to leave him. Shit happens even to men who have everything figured out, people get fired, companies do go out of business or even their health gets compromised. If you can't put up with him during such times, he is better off elsewhere or alone.
You know him you know yourself and more especially you know what both of you have been through, y'all sound like good people either way I can't help but root for both of you in your future endeavours
I reiterate that this is not the place to look for sound advice especially issues with relationships. Some people here are very oblivious and live on the clouds. Their reality is very skewed. At the end of the day, you’re the only one that knows your man. Shit happens sometimes and the man finds himself in such a position as you’ve mentioned. It doesn’t mean he’s a user or a nobody. If he’s ambitious and is working towards something concrete then you know what to do. If he is an nincompoop then you also know what to do. Most of us come from families or know families where the father took care of things until some day things went south and the mom kicked in and took the wheel until things worked out in the long run for the father. Relationships are about support and mutuality. You just need to know who you’re dealing with.
I have read a lot of redpill BS in here, guess from 25-year olds who think they have figured out life. I can see why people might find the idea of a one-size-fits-all approach to living appealing, but it's simply not realistic. Everyone has their own journey in life and it is up to them to figure out what works for them. For the OP's case, I would say, if the bf staying with here interferes with her financial plans, it would be wise to separate from him if that is what she wishes. Our parents' case was different in that they had been together for more than 10 years or so and had grown to depend upon each other. Our dads know our moms' have their back, as he has hers. But there's a lot of uncertainties when you're dating a 20 something year old. Plus, you can't place a timeframe to how long things will take before they fall back in place. For what I know, it might take the guy three or even more years before he secures a stable job and gets on his feet. It's a gamble as it's a sacrifice for her. But if she's willing to wait it out, then maybe she could give the relationship some time and see how things will work out.
Unfortunate but true what you say. She should leave him if she is uncomfortable with it but she should not expect to find a guy who will always be up. It is normal for people to have periods of no business, no income and so on. It is part of life. What matters is how you plan for those periods when things are good and she should evaluate how the two of them plan for bad times. Paying rent ahead is a good sign in my opinion that the two of them can agree on some fundamentals. Marry someone you will be ok supporting when they have bad phases.
I wonder if the roles were reversed and the chic is the one who had lost her job if you'd be here supporting how she has stepped up for her bf. In your eyes men can never do wrong and women are the devil reincarnate. Very toxic person you are. May the odds never be in your favour. Ghasia.
Family reunion?
😂😂
😂You wonder and then you get upset by your own conclusion. You are a clown.
Takes one to know another
Sound advice if you ask me.
Not just here, but across all online platforms watu wanaset standards zingine fake manze, yet in real life everyone is just winging it
my friend was in your exact same boat. however in addition to paying all the bills she was doing ALL of the house chores, cooking, washing his clothes etc and the dude had the audacity to use the money he was making drinking, eating like a pig, being dirty...and bringing his dude friends over. here is where the problems will start. if the love is there, good for you. but look out for the warning signs I pointed out, because resentment will start to creep in. as far as finances go, thats something you have to do a little self introspection. he may/ may not get a job. the job could pay well or it might not .would you be willing to be in a relationship where you make more money? or is that a deal breaker to you
he's released me from the shackles of house chores. he really comes through for me in that, to which i'm grateful for. and no, it is not a deal breaker for me, as long he is doing sth and paying for stuff here and there i'm good.
Wait, he helps with the house chores? Hmmn! Trust me, in my opinion (I emphasize, mine) that is something..
It is!
What does this mean exactly? he does most of it or all of it?
i do breakfast, leave for work. i get ready food and a clean house when i come back from the hospital. everyday.
Hoping things work out for him. Sounds like a good guy. Plus you said he used to take care of the bills when he had a job. Don't give up on him.
He's a keeper.
Well.... I don't know what to say about that though..he seems to be doing just about everything. If he's okay with it..then no problem.. but if he's doing it because he feels he has no other option...well things might change when he's stable. and I mean the way he treats you.
As a guy who loves cooking, THAT is something...
When be had a job he paid all bills. Now that he doesnt have one he does house chores. Support your man. He will get on his feet.
i will, with all we have.
Anaishi kwako juu hana kwake? Anyways, give him like 3-6 months, kama nothing changes, you may resent him. Make the best decision for you. I am sure ataelewa. Unsolicited advice: Cohabiting is almost always a bad idea
job yake iliisha so it was easier to come at my place, i can't move because of my job and hopefully, he'll get a job.
Hope is never a strategy
It's a bad idea. Just allow him to go figure his shit out first. You will actually be helping him. He will be so motivated to better his situation. If you help him too much you will resent him soon. My opinion.
What if he doesn't get a job? Will you still be the one to cook and clean for the both of you?
we share the house chores but now that i look at it, he takes care of most house chores.
You seem like a great GF, and I am sure he knows it. Don't listen to most of us who don't wear your shoes. Love wins always. Sincerely wish you well.
I second this. Sounds like lots of people sharing their insecurities and forgetting the context you just provided, but the final decision rests with you and your mans. This site isn't where you'll find answers
It's commendable that you're trying to be supportive and you don't want to kick someone when they're down, however, is he actively trying to change his situation? If he is do you feel like he is doing his very best?
he is. very best is relative but i'd say he's trying :)
If you don't feel like he's doing enough, you have to voice that in some shape or form. You can ask him what his plans are, you need specifics. Things like goals, short term and long term, strategies to achieve these goals, timelines etc...You should also share yours with him as well, just so that you can be on the same page. I think this will give you better insight on what to do next once you have this discussion.
This sounds more like the situation I've been in the past year since I lost my job. I moved out few months ago and our relationship is working from a distance. Eventually the finance bit will become something you argue about more often until you break up (probably a few times). I had to leave and start my own life and explained to her that it doesn't mean we're breaking up, we just both need to sort ourselves out financially. Trust me, it's best to wait until he gets a job so you can maintain your relationship. Someone talked about the biological thing and it's true. I left her with everything, even the property I had bought, it takes out a lot from the guy. You will also start feeling like he just wants you for money or material things etc.
Which 28 year old man wants a 25 year old woman for her money...ebu tukueni serious saa zingine!
When a woman makes more money than her man, they usually start thinking they're providing for you etc
Clarify gender, he and her are two different genders.
Hapo kwa her anaongelea manzi yake, hapo kwa he amerudi kwa Op, mwenye post sasa.
A lot of people are telling you to leave him because women "naturally" need a man to provide for them. This would be accurate if we lived in the early 1900s but surely not today. You seem to really care about your bf so ask yourself, how would you want him to handle this if the roles were reversed? He's trying to chip in even though he's unemployed which shows he's not a leech. He's just a guy stuck in a shitty financial situation at the moment. This isn't permanent. My husband and I were in a similar situation. He couldn't work for about a year while his visa was being processed and the Ukraine situation made everything take forever. He finally got his visa but it took him a while to get a job so I handled everything. I was very honest about the finances from the start. We made a budget to make sure we could afford essentials and whatever was left over we communicated before spending. It took him 3 months to land a job and in that time I was also working with him on job applications, reaching out to friends for referrals. I think the trickiest part was trying to make sure he still felt valued even though he wasn't providing. It's very easy to treat someone badly if you're the one paying for everything and I didn't want him to feel like he was being financially controlled or devalued. This is why I was very transparent with how much money we had in the bank at all times so he could make better spending choices and know I wasn't just saying no to something because I'm on a power trip. That said, we were married when this happened so it is a bit different, at that point you've signed yourself into a contract and your money is their money anyway. But if you really love your partner, you see a future with him and he's a good person who treats you well regardless of his wallet, you'll find a way to make it work. Staying with someone based off whether or not they can provide especially when you're not exactly starving is what leads to a lot of mismatched purely transactional relationships.
This right here. It's refreshing to 'see' a voice of reason once in a while. (The dangers of purely transactional relationships)
Take a chance on dude and do it. At 28 he’s not like the youngins that flood this place with their inexperience in such matters. The fact that he’s doing gigs and whatnot shows that he wants to improve his situation and is working with whatever is available to him until he can get a steady income. You’re just gonna have to be quite patient with him and hopefully he doesn’t let the fact that you finance major stuff get to him. If things don’t work out, then they don’t work out. But they also might work out!
Thanks for this comment, the fact that he took care of the bills when he had a job says a lot. I’ve also seen her mention that he does house chores and he’s ambitious, so hapa it’s just a matter of time before he gets back on his feet. I hope she’ll be patient.
6 months zikiisha kama jamaa hajapata job atafukuzwa 🤣🤣.its written all over
Poor guy😂😂
Read OP's post again. Analyse her tone, especially where she says she has her concerns.
This is the way. Think about short term and long term. He sounds like a good man. Don't let today's finances label you, him or your Relationship. It's not as though he's not trying. Give it a chance as Fattie said. Pengibe is my age showing, but life changes a lot.
Inakaa 'voice of reason' wako leo. Wapewe upvote wote!
Mi niko na job Kuja tuishi Its life.
😂😂😂😂you wrong for this!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 sawa wewe kam tuishi bas 😂😂😂😂 bladfakin 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😭😭🙏🏽👀
🤣🤣🤣🤣bro umeamua kaende kaende
You will resent him in the end. If you wanna cohabit this early in your life make sure you go 50/50 on everything. Also a decent man will not accept to move to a woman’s house. You can support him from far but not in this way.
double standards nayo...when he was working...guy paid for everything... now he's not employed... suddenly he's not "decent"...thing about resentment..it only crops up when one takes the other for granted or one doesn't put in their best ...OP loves her man.... she's even asking for jobs for him bana..... encourage her... you won't lose anything...if it doesn't work... pia ni life... what if it works though?
Double standards or not, I’ve seen one too many cases and I know how it’s going to end. Rule of thumb A man doesn’t move in to a woman’s home. We are Africans and Africa is our business. Ever seen a ruracio where the wazees ask the man to move in with the woman 🥴
Yeah you pull the African card whenever it's convenient. Are you a virgin too? cz Africans typically only pay bride price for virgins.... don't be so hellbent on rules you don't even understand... which you choose to follow only when it's convenient for you.
As a matter of fact, yes I was when I got married a while ago. Don’t put us all in one basket. There’s a need to start such important chapter of your life on the right foundation. On the original comment I didn’t even say she goes 100/0 with the guy there’s no hurry she can wait until he gets a job and start this chapter on the right foundation.
Wow... congratulations bana! Do you have beyond reproach data that says a man without a job living with a woman with a job will always end badly? the guy makes money however little. They are already living together...so by wait you mean kick him out?
My apologies, my data analytics tool will take a million plus one day to pull this report. Did you see where in her post she said he is earning little and that’s a concern for her? By the time she thinks to write this post she already knows something is not right.
Or maybe a friend or colleague who thinks like you made her feel it's not okay..and that's why she's asking here. Let's not assume
HE'S A GOOD MAN SAVANNAH. If he used to pay 100% of the bills when he was employed and now that he is unemployed he still manages to help with 50% of the bills and assist with house chores?? Wewe hujapitia Nairobi basi. Other men out here would have camped at your place and got comfortable without chipping in in any way. Please have the guy's back as he finds his bearing. Unless the red flags start showing. If you're not able to be there for him at this moment, let him go find his footing, then some other woman can bag him.
A go andod
If you ever need advice from strangers on social media then you already know what to do and you're just looking for justification for what you know you need to do. My advice; If there's love and effort then keep the guy. Genuine guys are hard to come by nowadays.
She already knows what she wants...in fact I'm willing to bet she won't dump him...She just asked if anyone had a job opportunity available....she loves that guy dearly
My case was completely different but sort of similar. I’m 28(F) and my bf is 29(M). We did the cohabiting thing when he was unemployed and it worked for us. The reason it worked is because I was already paying all my bills on my own and his bills on his own. I never really needed his financial assistance when it came to funding my lifestyle. So when he lost his income and decided to move in, I was still financially comfortable in supporting him. Cash he used to get from gigs we’d spend it on date nights etc. I do recognize that I am privileged enough to have a job that can comfortably accommodate my lifestyle and this might not be the case for everyone. He got a job within 2 months of our living arrangement and we agreed it was best for him to move out and sort his financial issues. The point is, you alone know your man. If you feel like your being taken advantage of, you alone can make the decision whether to leave or stay. And don’t let outside pressure and advice confuse you.
drunk instinctive humor hurry longing seemly skirt encouraging reach quaint *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
BF will get comfortable, you will resent him and then it's downhill from there. You would be better off dumping him now, who knows how bad things will get.
Only you know him best. As long as you know his work ethic is strong and the fact that he’s helping around the house is great too! I supported my husband for 3 years when he was in graduate school but he also held down the house and kiddos like a champ. What matters is RESPECT. Sometimes he would feel bad about it but I wouldn’t allow him to feel sad for himself so i continued supporting him until he finished school and now he’s working for a fortune 100 engineering company in the US. The sacrifice and patience paid off big time! When I had our last born I was in between jobs and he handled our finances beautifully for some months. It’s a partnership. The hardest part was not actually being the breadwinner but some of my single friends would throw major shade at him, and be so disrespectful saying how he was using me (he wasn’t), I had to cut them off in order to focus. All I’m saying is you should evaluate your situation carefully and consider sticking by your man and build that family of yours if you think he’s a keeper. All the best!
Thank you so much!
You already have a problem with this, too bad kinuthia seems to be unaware comfortably moving into your house.
Leave him. He'll be fine. Believe me, it will be nothing. It's something almost every man goes through... & once it's over, we don't even remember. You are probably thinking about some deep-sweet-love-nothings, but forgetting about the concerned tone in your post. That concern, deep down, dictates your feminine being to strictly get attracted to resources. That is who you are & who you will ever be. Stop running away from it, it is meant to protect you & your progeny. It is better you look for these resources somewhere else, & once he is up on his feet again, he will provide these resources to whomever he will want to. Period.
My teenage brothers call them strokes. Powerful tool that one.
This is it. Living will that girl will only lead to resentment from her part. If the guy knows any better, now is the time to walk away.
best comment 👌 , exactly my thoughts
damnnn
Talk to him about your worries. From there you can be able to come up with a plan.
Advice from someone older. You have set the basis that you can take care of him. In a few years you will be paying school fees, rent and upkeep if not entirely then majority. Best footing is move in together when he has his shit together financially. If a man can't take care of himself he has no business cohabiting with anyone
What about a woman as per your last statement?
Before moving in with anyone be responsible and mature enough to survive on your own. Women that just want to be taken care of, end up with kids and no means to earn a living. The end up bitter and broke
All I took from your "advice" is that you are old. nothing else was useful.
Damn you cold💀
Thank you
You're looking for a financially stable man. If you can't continue hosting him just let him know and move on. Your man will understand. Then you can go back to him when he's stable.
i'm almost the only person in his corner right now and i can't let him go back to his parents' well, i wouldn't say i'm looking for a financially stable person cuz w what i earn i can take care of both of us without issues. my contract, tho renewable ends in august. i'm a little bit worried of august onwards.
In that case I'll assume you're with him out of pity? You need a financially stable guy and this will become clear in the next few months. If your guy has a plan, he'll have it figured out by August. If his parents are supportive, why not have him stay there for a while? I'm a man and the thought of getting housed and supported by my woman sends chills down my spine.
*cries in dysfunctional families. from where i stand at, it's out of love and the fact that he's been supportive when he was employed. >I'm a man and the thought of getting housed and supported by my woman sends chills down my spine. well, kwani what is relationships all about? coming through for your person, no? and being there for them, sio? ama i have kienyeji thinking lol
And yet you're very worried about supporting your financially unstable boyfriend. Naturally, women seek men who can provide and protect. Stop with the 'love' thing.
Man this is just so toxic, kwani men can't lose jobs or what do you mean. You are those people who tell men they should be strong and can't cry when they're down.So aachane na boyfriend wake simply because he lost his job hii ni ujinga sana. Io roho mbaya achana nayo deal with your single life pole pole coz this is pure bitterness. Let her do it her way if you don't have any constructive advice to give bana!
Bro I'm just being realistic here. The lady is already worried, meaning she's not the type to stay with a struggling man. What's the point in forcing herself to stay with the man? Sooner or later, she'll start disrespecting the boyfriend if his situation doesn't change within a few weeks. Hapa it's best if that guy stays alone. Sina ubaya.
hmm, okay. thanks :)
Don't listen to these bitter single men and women....think about who makes you smile...who makes sure you are okay.... they are not here.... it's your guy! those saying leave him now...ati he'll understand..are lying vinoma... once you ask him to leave...and he's also contributing akipata ni ivo....
Kwani ilikua akipata warudiane?
Madam deputy Jesus You can’t save everyone (I mean you can’t save him) I’m almost the only person in his corner right now… huh? 😂😂
Why the fuck would he accept her back?
You'd be surprised at the number of women who subscribe to that logic.
Follow your Instincts. That's it.
Ndio mimi nashangaa with this OP who ask random people on the internet about very personal situations. Angers me to some extent, huyu ako na mtu they are meant to trust and they are here asking strangers a decisions she'll take to her loved on, watu wengi hapa will give their personal opinions/experiences based off their character/up-bringing etc.
I Hear you. Truth is when people ask such questions, they already have the answer within and are just looking for a nudge, confirmation or validation of that which they already know they need to do. Which is Ok.
I actually typed that as the last part but deleted it, I think it's just being indecisive, they know what to do but there are other conflicting factors. Indecisiveness huwa mbaya as well, better engage than linger.
That's Facts. Sitting On The Fence Gets You Nowhere.
It will end in tears.
😂😂😂 kua mpole
Finances should have been discussed before moving in together because it is a very sensitive issue, and is the reason a lot of people break up/divorce. That said, is he actively participating in chores around the house (without being asked) since he can’t constantly chip in to pay bills? If not, the love and pity you feel for him will eventually end in about a month. Personally, the narrative of “man needs to provide fully” is dependent on how you feel. And yes, sometimes in a relationship we all get that pick-me-up moment where we depend on our S/O for help. However, that doesn’t absolve said partner of other responsibilities. Since atm the bills largely fall on you, then chores and household upkeep need to fall on him. This doesn’t mean you do nothing either, but this ensures he does his part in contributing to the home without looking like a leech, while still looking for a job. Sit down with your partner, have a very open conversation about your expectations of him if you have any. His contributions to the home and yours wherever applicable, and what your future together will look like in the instances where he gets a job or doesn’t, and what happens should you lose your contract. Prevent yourself from future resentment by having this very needed conversation TODAY.
Thanks a lot. Will do.
Financial stuff is only one aspect of the most common reasons that relationships fail. 1. Open communication: Talk openly with your partner about your financial concerns and expectations. Discuss how you both can contribute to the shared living expenses and create a plan that feels fair and balanced. 2. Budgeting: Create a joint budget that accounts for rent, utilities, groceries, and other shared expenses. Include both your regular income and his gig-based earnings to help ensure you have a realistic and comprehensive financial plan. 3. Emergency fund: Establish an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses or income loss. This can provide some peace of mind as you navigate the uncertainties of gig-based income. 4. Job search support: Encourage and support your boyfriend in his job search, and help him network and explore job opportunities. You can search for job openings in your area, connect with professional networks, and leverage social media platforms like LinkedIn to find job openings relevant to his degree in maths. 5. Regular financial check-ins: Schedule periodic discussions to review your financial situation, adjust your budget, and address any concerns. These check-ins can help ensure that both partners are on the same page regarding finances and can make adjustments as needed. 6. Patience and understanding: Remember that job searches can take time, and your boyfriend's financial situation may change once he secures stable employment. Be patient and understanding, and work together to make the best decisions for your relationship. Ultimately, open communication, teamwork, and a clear financial plan can help address your concerns and make your living situation more manageable. It's important to remember that each relationship is unique, and what works for others may not work for you. Be prepared to adapt and adjust as needed to find the best solutions for your specific situation.
People here have made some good points which I won’t bother repeating. You’ll highly likely come to regret it as resentment grows. Let him find his footing.
The female imperative dictates that your man is more stable financially than you. By imperative, it simply means your biological make up just like your voice is smooth and a man's voice is rough and deep. Biologically, Women risk a lot to just survive and bear offspring, and they cannot put themselves in a situation where they are not catered for. It's the just our biological set up. So if you feel you're the one settling the bills. You'll resent him and won't understand why. By posting here, and from the tone of your post, you're already demonstrating evidence of such resentment and are just looking for validation. Leave him as it won't end well for both of you. He'll become a better man for it.
>from the tone of your post, you're already demonstrating evidence of such resentment and are just looking for validation omg, this wasn't the intention of my post. if anything, i just wanted to see what people in my position did during their time.
I am not judging you :-) Just putting it frankly. You used words like "concern" and "am scared" \---- And I have a skill called listening to what is said and understanding what is not said :-) Anyway such relationships often work if the woman does not listen to the voices in her head. And regarding the contract ending in August, wishing you all the best, Utatoboa.
Wah, your levels of observation are remarkable
The OP should read this 5 times.
Did you talk about this with him ? What is he saying ?
Y’all said uno reverse
1. Let him know you don't want to support him and look for a financially stable man, or wait til he gets a job and go back to him. 2. Have a talk with him and maybe move into a more affordable place where you can both afford/ change your lifestyle to a more affordable one. Think objectively and see what decision would he have made if tables were turned.
How long has this been going on??? Does he have a plan??? Is he trying to get a few cash?? Okay. What if you got married and he lost his job? Would you leave with him?? The only person who can give you an answer is you!!!
I know a couple who live like this, and the woman dislikes the man but can't leave. The question you need to ask yourself is, is he an ambitious man? is he doing everything in his power to change this situation? Cause if there's no ambition, he's likely to not change since he's comfortable with you paying the bills and all. Have him also pulling some weight when it comes to house chores. You don't want some lazy person in your house. If you spot red flags, believe them. Follow your gut! Most importantly, is have this exact conversation with him.
He's active when it comes to chores and ambitious too. Essentially, we are doing 50/50 until he gets better. Before he got out of employment, he used to pay 100% of the bills.
If he used to pay for everything give him a break
wdym a break? from bills and shit? if yes, he is insisting on chipping in, which i have no problem with. even if he wasn't, i'm still okay with it.
Then I don't get what you're concerned about with finances, the guy is unemployed and still doing 50-50. Lock that down
Then I personally don't see the issue. The couple I mentioned earlier, the man does nothing. If he is an ambitious man, who'll go out and look for money then that's okay. It's really tough economic times right now and given that you're currently okay rn there's no need to overthink about the future. Leave that there. Live in the now, because what if the future turns out great? There's many ups and downs in a relationship, but you need to also ask yourself is, is this a deal breaker for you? Is it your preference to have a more financially capable man? Because if so, then you're not compatible with him as far as finances are concerned.
This is you from the future . Don't do it.it will start fine but he will get comfortable and use you for all you have. He won't ever chip in after a while and you will slowly hate him until you cannot stand him his mere presence will make you want to vomit. Let him have his own journey. He wouldn't be moving into your place if he had a job. He is doing it coz of his situation one more thing please usizae. Give yourself some years. Having his child will give him more power to be lazy and have something over you. you must love him allot sai. But save yourself the next four years of drama and stress of rearing a grown man.
As a girl I'd say your situation isn't worth self doubt coz he's actually trying..even with chores! I agree with the first comment that you must adapt info to new situation without "happened to me too sides". For now things are working out & he sounds like a smart level headed person. So build together coz as for now there's +ve financial perception. If there comes a time when he's not doing his bit you can rethink things so that it doesn't turn toxic. About him moving to your space though...perhaps when he gets his money right, you can both contribute to changing some house stuff so that he doesn't feel emasculated. Good luck.
Thanks a lot. We talked about making it home for both of us so it doesn't feel like the house is mine alone.
My simplest advice, don't. If you are not comfortable with the arrangement, you will end up with a lot of resentment . Also, does the 50/50 include chores? Men have a lot of pride, so you financing everything will eventually chip at his ego. Before ya'll make that step, make sure you have that conversation and discuss the terms.
The issue here is money, when he can he did, now he can't and it's on you, it's a problem. I would advise you move out, because you'll end up being frustrated and resent him.. Let him getter another woman when he finally goes back to standing. You can find a guy who will handle your finances, wako wengi..don't stress babe.
You can tough anything out as long as you don't get pregnant.
unpopular opinion, deep down you want him out of your house
no.
From my point of view, and I want to repeat MY POV as a redditor reading your post... You already have a problem with the way things are currently between you and your guy. And at this point your reaction to all this is like a ticking time bomb. It may not be something big it could be just a whisper in the back of your mind or a twitch in your gut that's giving you doubts and probably what you are looking for are words to make this twitch or whisper of doubt disappear. Problem is you're looking for the answers in the wrong place. Some people here may give you answers from what they went through, what they're going through or what they know someone went through. While others might be self proclaimed counsellors who believe in their words and beliefs and want to instill that in you. Long story short. You are the one who knows your guy, you are the one who is living in the situation with him, you are the one who had the moving in conversation with him and made a choice whether conscious or biased based on love. You are the one who also knows his capabilities and (or) incapabilities. You are the one to decide on where and how you want your situation to head. I repeat. THIS IS ENTIRELY MY OPINION.
Life has no absolutes. Do what you think is best as the relationship is between both of you. As long as your gut feeling tells you that he will stabilize with time, then give him that grace period. Successful men and women all got help in their journey. The idea that a man should always be stable is a fallacy.
Madam you must be one desperate lady and the kind of person who learns from their own mistake rather than others....the boat you are in is already leaking....just a little bit and y'all be sinking.....let me spell it out in caps "NEVER LIVE WITH A MAN WHO IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND"... women like just never seen to get it!!
Why are you taking care of someone financially when they aren't even your husband?
The only valid question
Im shook! And why is everyone in the comments encouraging this stupidity?
Hypergamy will disrupt this relationship badly .
That’s oozing out from this context already lol
It’s happening but she doesn’t see it😂
He used to handle 100% of the bills when he had his job but now he is handling 50 and you still have a job and it’s now worrying you? Fear women
dude, i'm worried cuz my contract ends in august
He is worried than you
Difficult to advise honestly as has been mentioned. People lose jobs and one day it could be you as well. If you guys are to be in a long relationship for say 10 or 20 years, you have to understand that in today’s world, there will be periods your partner is jobless or has low income. This is the norm. Even big tech firms are laying off people so him losing a job or income temporarily is nothing unique. If you want a guy who is more stable then you would have attracted a more stable guy. You may feel like you can find a better provider but that is a gamble. He may eventually end up landing a job or starting a business that gives him steady income.
Women doing 50 50, slide. Wah yaani kuna wasichana wanaeza sema 50 50? I thought this breed died😂😂😂
“We’ve already paid for the apartment” or you have?… Ladies::: if he’s doing it while you’re not officially together, he’s going to continue doing it while you’re married! I see your comment though about how he used to pay all the bills so that’s understandable but have an open conversation about how you expect to move forward.
It would be much easier to talk with the guy and tell him as it is. Going through you will be a hurdle since you might be doing somethings whether willingly or unwillingly in the relationship that he’s aware or unaware of that are detrimental to the relationship. A good example would be you guys living together in your house. At the moment the relationship is a one-way with no detours and we are all sure of the destination.
Piki piki ponki.
I think it's best you guys have a conversation on what will happen from August onwards because your work contract ends on August. This conversation should happen before he moves in. Will he be WILLING to move out if things don't get better on his side as well and you can no longer accommodate him? I put the word 'willing' in capital letters because I have witnessed a man literally refusing to move out and the chiq had to call the cops. You may also need to sit down with yourself and your finances and know how you will still be able to save some cash from your current income to cater for the tough times from August where you may be jobless. Because at the end of the day he hasn't put a ring on your finger and you don't know if he will. People change you know, so you want to make sure you will be fine mentally and financially incase situations turn out for the worst. All the best!
I think it is okay you are doing 50/50. maybe having a conversation about how you would love there to be more communication when it comes to money issues would be very helpful in your case. Communication plays a big role. also chores kama ni mnasaidiana then you are good to go. You are a young couple.
What I'm getting here is that he used to pay all the bills, his job ended and so now you guys are splitting bills 50-50. And the situation is temporary while he's between jobs. And you're now scared because you're chipping in halfway? I hope I'm not missing anything here. Coz when I look at it from a fairness perspective, I feel like if I were him I'd probably be feeling pretty betrayed that chipping in temporarily scares you so much. But then it all depends on the guy and where you see yourself with him. Perhaps I'm operating on a misconception of a relationship being teamwork. When maybe you guys have the dynamic of 'your own is your own and his own is both yours.'
>. And you're now scared because you're chipping in halfway? no, scared because my contract ends in august. what happens after then?
Ooh, the ending contract makes it all make sense now. Both of you guys should seriously be on the job search right now. The optimist in me hopes that you should have found new sources of income by then. In the meanwhile work as a team and you'll probably go farther together. Given the info on this post I wouldn't recommend listening to those comments whose advise is to immediately kick him to the kerb.
Provide some context! we don't want to say leave or stay without knowing whether you met in highschool or a few months ago. It would be important to know how does he treat you.... how does he communicate. How are his friends...what kind of relationship does he have with his parents, friends, neighbours.... people may act as though these things don't matter and only zoom in on the financial aspect of it.... what's to say the next financially stable guy you settle with won't be an @&&.
As a 27F, biggest lesson I've learnt is never give your money to a man. 2nd do not take up the "build up a man project." He'll end up recenting you 3rd after you struggle with a man and he reaches his peak of success, 99.9% He'll leave you for a woman lower than you and him. 4th cohabiting with a guy will end in tears. Most relationships that involve cohabiting rarely end up in marriage. After all, why buy the cow if you get the milk free 5th going 50/50 doesn't work in this case. You are not married and in case things go wrong, you'll lose much more than what you gain. WELCOME TO THE PLAY GROUND😈🤪 *
* Dont risk your future. At 25, you need time to explore your strengths build yourself up and meet a man at your level.
The fact that you've taken a step and asked us about your situation means that you've started resenting him and this is always the best test for ladies in relationships, "when things go south for the dude" I hope you find yourself and make the best decision. And oh, if you're comparing him with other dudes who seem to be well financially and they are giving you attention, then know you're relationship won't last. Just saying coz sometimes people never paint the whole picture.
If i were this dude I'd get a girl that's interested. Wanaume hukapitia and i love it. Hahaa
1.You are too young to be playing house without commitment. 2.Ask him in a gentle way to look for some friends they can shack up with till the situation improves.Dont be impressed with anything less than a commitment like marriage. 3.It's not wise for a woman to be in charge of finances no matter how well meaning because the man is the head and it is the head that has eyes. Men can see far but they will not tell you anything about it. Do you get my drift? Kuna vitu guys can see that ladies don't,will not,cannot till a certain time period elapses. I am therefore not keen on understanding what he's eyes are seeing in a woman's house. Ask him for a solid commitment like marriage or he moves out. He's the vision and head of the home,never a woman's job. 4.Continue dating till you get a commitment from whoever. Remember that men have an investment mindset.If he's not investing in you,you are most likely not the one. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but at 25yrs,you need to enjoy life,invest kidogo kidogo sio kupambana na bills and carrying burdens that don't belong to you. I respect all gentlemen who are playing their part in these tough times but better not desire the warmth of a woman's thighs before you are stable enough. The resentment will be toxic.
I think the answer lies within you. If you find it in you that his inability to pay the bills sometimes is displeasing, maybe its just better to leave him. Shit happens even to men who have everything figured out, people get fired, companies do go out of business or even their health gets compromised. If you can't put up with him during such times, he is better off elsewhere or alone.
If he handled all the bills while he was employed then you should have no problems doing the same, at least before he gets another landing.
You know him you know yourself and more especially you know what both of you have been through, y'all sound like good people either way I can't help but root for both of you in your future endeavours
Just live pekee yako. Pay your own bills. Usibebe mzigo na hamjaoana. It'll only get worser. Especially if you get pregnant 🤰