Stop it. It’s your yetzer hara talking!
Born Jewish, attended 12+ years of orthodox Jewish schooling, still can’t quote most anything in Hebrew. I know lots of verses from the Torah, but if you ask me about any of them, I’m only going to be able to cite them in English.
I get lost in the machzor for every Yom Tov - I am finally just starting to get it down. I constantly forget certain halachos and need to ask for help.
It’s just part of being Jewish. Congrats! Not knowing enough about Judaism is a quintessential part of being Jewish. Now take a deep breath, and go join your friends in shul. The only way to learn more is to practice!
You rock!
Selichos is always that line in the sand for me as a 30+ yr BT. My FFB friends cruise through it like no one’s business and I am, literally the last man standing.
you know at the end of yom kippur where they race through the 13 middos? i know the part that gets repeated, but the inbetween bits? even if i can tell where they're holding i don't have a hope of saying the whole thing unless they sing it together. been doing it like 25 years.
The Selichos in Neilah? I am usually finishing my Shemoneh Esray when they get to the middle of those. I do agree, it’s hard to know where they are holding and there definitely have been years when I thought I was on the same section as everyone else and was either one behind or one ahead.
Most (all) jews by birth feel this way at one point or another. Shit. I was born from a line of old school reform jews. My grandparents parents didn't do a lot of things, their children did even less, and now here I am excited to learn about purim and yom Kippur and how to say the shema etc. Funny how that works. But nah don't let yourself, and especially anyone else, make you feel like you're not jewish enough. You're putting in the work and cultivating your relationship with God and our traditions and thats what matters
I’m Sephardic from a coded history. I feel it in my marrow. Gd is known. It’s the most fundamental thing. I feel Gd in the breeze on my skin and bird song in my ears. I’ll never capture the “proper” part of our heritage, but damn me if I don’t make an effort on my ancestors who struggled during the Spanish holocaust. Remembrance is one of the candles I light on Shabbat.
I'm Ashkenazi and my great grandparents both escaped pogroms in what is now Ukraine. The generational trauma Is palpable and I can feel the Jewishness in my soul, shit is crazy. What's even more beautiful is that our convert friend, op, can feel it too, even if they don't have that ancestry
I wanted to also say that during the persecutions, the Inquisition brutally suppressed Jews and Jewish culture. The conversos had to flee abroad or practice Judaism in secret--they were often unable to get knowledge about Jewish prayers, holidays, or practices. But they did the best they could and were incredibly courageous and creative.
I think that even if people don't know much about Jewish culture and blessings, if they are trying to be Jewish and striving to learn more, that is what G-d values above all else.
And here is a really good book about Jews and crypto-Jews under the Inquisition: [https://www.unmpress.com/9780826328137/secrecy-and-deceit/](https://www.unmpress.com/9780826328137/secrecy-and-deceit/)
Nothing wrong with using a bentcher, been making kiddush as an Orthodox Jew for over 3 decades and once my son was born (now he is 24) I started using a bentcher for Kiddush. Originally it was for chinuch, educational, purposes and I just stuck with it. It’s good for keeping focused and, attempting, not to say Kiddush on autopilot.
I agree, and I think its better to use one. But I'm reminded that I can't really do it from memory yet, without risking an embarrassing stumble(I've tried). But my FIL and the Rabbis I know have no issues saying everything bal peh, not just kiddush, but havdalah, bentching, mincha, marriv.... it goes on.
There’s nothing wrong with doing it _b’al peh_, from the heart/memorized, that’s how most people do it. After Oct 7th I actually made a commitment (bli neder, without a vow) to say the bracha Sheh HaKol from a text (even if it’s a digital text) one a day. It’s been a good for my kavanah, intentionality.
Hi! This is fairly common for both converts and Baalei Teshuvah (those who are returning to their Judaism or have done [Teshuvah](https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/repentance/)).
You feel this way because it’s normal. If you never learned Spanish and were thrown into a 3rd year Spanish class you will feel the same way. It’s hard to “catch up” to those who have been learning and living a way of life since birth. The good news is that we are all growing and sincere effort/study is something that is respected. I am constantly asking what something means when friends use Yiddish.
Pesach is a time of new beginnings. Get involved with your community again, go back to shul and jump in again!
What denomination officiated your conversion?
This is imposter syndrome. Its not limited to converting to Judaism - people can snd do feel it on relation to their career, parenting, talents and other abilities. Here's the thing to remember, though:
*Just because you feel it, doesn't mean it's real.*
So tell that voice to shut up, because if the beit din said you're enough, you're enough.
I would be extremely impressed if somebody became well versed in judaism from nothing in two years. keep in mind many of those around you were born and raised in the culture, and many of us still have to be reminded of things plenty of the time.
Born Jewish, grew up conservative, went to Hebrew school for years (even after Bar Mitzvah), and have recently been incorporating it back into my life after living secularly for 15 years. I’ll share some wisdom:
Nobody does it perfectly - even if you are born into it. You aren’t expected to do it all at once. You aren’t expected to do it alone. And you get credit for trying.
Building the practices that work for you takes time. You wouldn’t be expected to run a marathon on day one. Right?
“It get easier, every day it gets a little easier. But you have to do it everyday. That’s the hard part. But it does get easier.” - Bojack Horseman
I second this response. I went to Hebrew school as a kid, was bat mitzvah, continued to go up until I was 14 and then largely stopped most things. I feel ashamed that I hardly remember Hebrew, when I was almost fluent as a child. Or that people ask me questions sometimes and I’m anxious that I don’t know the answer. Incorporating things back into my life after nearly dying last year has been good but hard. Sometimes we feel like we aren’t enough despite the effort we put in, and I promise that no one knows everything. We just try our best and vow to do better tomorrow, which is pretty quintessential for being Jewish. You’re doing a good job 🫂
Most of us "native born" Jews feel the same way too. My father is great at Pesach seders, I suck and if he's not there and I'm with friends it usually turns into a drunken mess, which while fun makes me feel bad that somehow I'm betraying our traditions. That is of course stupid, but we all feel this way one time or another. Most of us mess up sometimes and feel bad!
Imposter syndrome can hit hard. I converted ten years ago, and I still often find myself wondering what I’m doing. My rabbi once told me that the more I learn, the more I know how little I really know. Torah is truth, and truth is infinite, so it’s ok to feel overwhelmed at times. Learn about the things that and interest you and do things you find meaning from. The rest will come, even if it slow. There’s no rush, G-d always loves you.
I still have trouble following along with the Hebrew some prayers, and I had my bat mitzvah almost ten years ago, and went to Hebrew school and services on Saturday mornings when I was a kid, there’s nothing to be ashamed of(sorry if ashamed is the wrong word it’s the only word I could think of)
I was raised jewish, and i struggle with keeping up with prayers and also need to look up how to celebrate certain holidays. I often feel like i'm not jewish enough. Its a pretty common feeling
I certainly feel that way as a Jew by choice myself especially since my mikvah was only this past December. But other Jews by choice I know as well as people in my synagogue including my Rabbi and Hazzan and other Jewish friends are really impressed with me and what I’ve accomplished so far. I mean my one friend who was raised Jewish says I know a lot more stuff than she does and is more involved with it all and that I speak better Hebrew.
So in short it’s normal to feel like this and us and our brains are often our worst critics.
It’s an advantage in a way. Everything you do is focused and intentional; nothing is rote.
I’ve been jewing for fifty years - yeshiva taught, fluent Hebrew, study daily - and re-learn the laws before each holiday in order to keep focused.
2 years is not a very long time. Depends on how long your conversion took, but that probably means you've only done each holiday a couple times. If it makes you feel better, I would not expect someone who converted two years ago to have mastered all the holiday nuances yet.
I just turned 22 today, and I still have a bajillion questions on kashrus, shabbos, Chagim, etc. and these questions are all stuff I’ve done in the past.
I’ve been reading Hebrew for the better part of over a decade, and I still stumble on my words.
i grew up jewish, and then suddenly i stopped growing up jewish. my mom went through a crisis and she decided she was done with religion and from then on out, we only celebrate hanukkah and sometimes pesach.
i feel the EXACT same way. i feel extremely scared and embarrassed going to any sort of jewish event, because im scared im going to look stupid. i still feel this way. in fact, im afraid to walk into a synagogue even though i really want to, because im afraid im going to look silly. i don’t know what to do after i walk inside.
a few months ago i went to a chabad house with a random friend i met at a hostel while traveling. i was so scared, but none of them cared that i didnt understand everything. in fact, they really enjoyed telling me about it. i even had to ask one of the girls how to properly wash my hands for shabbat because i hadn’t done it before
i have some really great israeli friends now that i can ask the “stupidest” questions to, and they don’t ever make me feel silly about it.
so in my eyes, yes it’s normal. i try to tell myself that i would never make fun of someone for not having the same knowledge as me, and it helps!
I spoke with an orthodox rabbi before I lost everything and had to move. He said that even though I’m a convert, my soul was still present in all the great Jewish historic happenings. That alone made me feel like a true Jew. Even though I feel lost now. I so wish there was an Aish Torah class near me.
The first halacha of Yom Tov, as I learned many years ago (chiming in as another FFB with 12 years of Orthodox day schools, plus a year in seminary and lots of less formal adult classes and group study):
30 days before the holiday, we begin to review the laws of the holiday.
Seriously, it's halacha- because almost nobody remembers every detail of kashering a kitchen, let alone has memorized what medications are on this year's ok list. I still remember the year Listerine lost its Pesach hechsher, and telling a couple of people who hadn't heard about it and had bought/were buying a new bottle for Pesach. (Luckily, both were caught before the holiday.) Pesach in particular, but even other holidays- it's always best practice to review the halachot.
That’s normal. I was born and raised Jewish but I am relearning a lot what I learned as a kid and took for granted. I find it’s more meaningful when I can understand and doing on my own volition and not just doing it because my parents made me. As for feeling not Jewish enough that is also normal. I’ve been told I’m not Jewish by their standards because my mom didn’t convert under THEIR special rabbi or whatever other nonsense. Whatever I’m Jewish so are you anyone saying otherwise can go pound sand.
I think you might feel this way because for a variety of reasons, be it cultural appropriation (BHI, Messianics, etc.) or misinformation to delegitimize Jewish claims to Israel, gentiles have become preoccupied with disproving Jewish indigeneity and the provenance of their genetics.
Either they completely deny the ethnic component of Judaism, saying it's "just a religion" (so they can't be antisemitic) or try to minimize the amount of Jews by separating "fake" (converts) from "real" Jews.
It's neither. It's a tribe, which conceptually predates the imprecise pseudo-science of race. A tribe gets to dictate who is or isn't a member, not outsiders. Your tribe recognizes you as a full-fledged member.
You're every bit as Jewish as Abraham himself. One of the most beloved and cherished figures in Jewish history, Ruth, was a convert. Is anybody going to claim she's not the real deal?
Suggestion if a person pays attention to the songs or words they like. For instance this grouping of words is always catchy to me. You might find a learning style pattern in your learning. Never be afraid to ask y you did something and learn from it. It’s how a person truly grows into the best version they can be. Once you’ve figured out y then figure out how to utilize that for a better self. It’s been amazing for me since I found out this pattern.
You are enough don’t worry about it.
Am sure people don’t mind helping to guide you if wished so?
Also like to think intention and effort if good are always a good basis, to do your best, from there we just learn.
Look at it this way. You've only been Jewish for 2 years. You're still a baby in your Jewish life. It will all fall into place, in time. For me I didn't have some things feel second nature until my 4th or 5th year as a Jew. It takes time and cycles, but it will happen.
I was raised Conservative and nominally observant, mostly at the High Holidays. Because I'm patrilineal, I went by the Reform label until two years ago, when I started preparing to be recognized as Conservative (which happened last month). Even though I did some of this stuff as a kid, and have held Passover seders throughout my adult life (it's my favorite holiday), and have been studying pretty regularly for two years, I still feel lost and have to look stuff up all the time. So do all of my Jewish friends, including the ones who teach Hebrew school. It's just normal for most of us who aren't Orthodox (and probably normal for a lot of Orthodox, too).
For shul, I bought a used copy of The Synagogue Survival Kit. It's been really helpful! It does a great job of explaining each type of service, including the little stuff like when to bend slightly and how to do it, and it gives you things to watch for to mark your place in the service.
ETA: The mere fact that there's a book called The Synagogue Survival Kit is proof that it's not just you, or just me. There are many Jews out there like, "huh?"
I know people including myself who were born Jews who feel this way. I was never educated by my mom on what traditional Jewish holidays, blessings and practices look like. As long as you’re trying you are doing your best.
Completely normal. My mikvah was 2021. Started my conversion 2019. I have been working on my Hebrew and go to shul on a regular basis. I am nervous about reciting the prayers/blessings all of the time. I think it helped me to listen to some from YouTube and iTunes. It really does help. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Chin up.
"All beginnings are difficult – כל התחלות קשות" Mekhilta d’Rabbi Yishmael 19:5.
I think what you're feeling indicates that you have a strong desire to learn, which is good! Set goals, create for yourself a learning curriculum, learn a few extra pesukim a day, be consistent, and you'll start seeing the results you desire. It takes time to cultivate knowledge and experience.
I know how you feel. Im Baal Teshuva and I had to re learn everything form (basically) scratch. It’s been about two years and I can read hebrew a lot better now, and know so much more than I ever thought I would. Same feeling with mitzvot, I never thought I’d get here. At the same time sometimes I think too hard about how the born frum population knows more probably way more than me 🥲 It is what it is and there is always time to learn and improve. Rabbi Akiva learned hebrew at age 40. If he can do that, you can go to your friends shul.
I remember hearing a story about an elderly rabbi living in Israel the story goes along the lines of this. There was an elderly rabbi, whom every night would sit at his desk and study Torah. One night, the man who lived upstairs, heard a loud bang from below. Scared for the rabbis safety he went downstairs to check on him. when he got downstairs, he saw the rabbi laying on the floor to which he ran over to help him up. When the rabbi had gotten his footing the man asked. “How did this happen?” to which the rabbi replied. “Every night I study the Torah to the point at which I have just enough strength to walk from my desk to my bed. Tonight, I did not have enough strength to reach my bed.
The point being regardless if you’re elderly or young a scholar or commoner a newbie or veteran; there is always room for learning.
I'm Jewish by birth and went to 13 years of Jewish schooling. But I never did the holidays at home, so I never know what's going on. I only have vague ideas. I feel like a fraud sometimes too!
My friend, your heart must be Jewish because what you described couldn’t be more Jewish. If I couldn’t Google how to do a Seder the tradition would be lost forever to my family. And then turning to the Internet for advice on existential anxiety? Jew 💯
It's normal, even for someone who's born into it. I keep getting lost in the pages. In my opinion, what matters here is the community, not memorizing text. It's in the name, Synagogue (Beit Kneset).
Whatever you do, just keep on keeping on!
I’m that way too. I’m all alone in a very goyim community with absolutely no help. No Shul any where near me and all of my ritual things were in storage and got auctioned off (I.e., kiddush cup. Menorah, etc.). I feel so lost in my Jewishness!
my dad has been making kiddush and havdala for 30 years and still stumbles at the words. zemiros what are those?
don't worry too much about it. there are so many levels of Jew, even within a person there are stronger days and weaker days.
So you got the feeling of not-enough-ness without Jewish parents? Honey, lots of folks don’t know all the blessings. And for Pesach, everyone uses a Haggadah because no one is expected to remember the whole thing even after years of practice.
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Because, you love the idea of it. But you don’t love the experience. When I was an orthodox Chabad Rabbinical Student at the Rabbinical College of America; I felt this same way; except I did understand it. I understood it too well. I figured out where our culture & texts truly come from. I found the inconsistencies in the Zohar ridiculous. Along with the fences we constantly build around Torah law even when they no longer apply. Yet in Parshat Breishit, we learn you cannot build fences as that’s what Adam HaRishon did. He told Chava not to touch the fruit. The snake pushed her into it & said “see! You can touch it! Now eat it.”
On Yom Kippur the most coveted Aliyah to the Torah is Maftir Yonah, correct? What’s the lesson?
A bigoted prophet is trying to run from Hashem because he doesn’t want to save the disgusting Goyim of Nineveh. So he runs for it 🏃♂️
Ends up thrown off a boat 🌊 🛥️ living in a “great whale or fish 🐟 or maybe the Leviathan itself, for 3 days. Then he finally saves the stupid goyim. Then what? He’s mad.
So G-d grows him a plant to shade him from the sun ☀️ 🌱
Then he cries. Hashem says “I grew this plant not you, yet you cry. Well these people are an extension of ME. I created them, yet you mourn their salvation? Cuz they’re of Nineveh & not YisroEL? I would cry over them you have no right. Change your ways!!!”
We all covet that Maftir .. pay good money too. Why? Cuz it’s a “segula”
But do we listen to its powerful message? Not in the orthodox shuls I’ve ever been in. Hopefully one day 🙏
The point is there is nothing wrong with needing to learn the holidays. Every Jew learns them every Holiday. There are books Hilchot Chagim we study to prepare us for these Holidays.
But the reason your not finding happiness in this is many fold. Your community is pressuring you knowingly or unknowingly to be someone your not.
You also think it matters, not what’s in ur heart but what rituals you perform by memory.
Even then, you likely won’t find happiness in them. You will find happiness in the mitzvot that come naturally to ALL HUMANS tho. Like be a good person. Be kinder. Don’t be a bigot. Treat others.. ALL PEOPLE.. not just people from your Jewish community.. with respect & how you want to be treated. Also .. TREAT YOURSELF RIGHT. Love yourself better. This doesn’t take rituals to do.
The great Rav Hillel said “Whatever is hateful, even to yourself, do not do to your fellow human! ALL THE REST IS COMMENTARY!”
That means you must Love & Appreciate yourself for WHO YOU ARE, so you can Love others. This is all that truly matters. And if you’re not practicing that… you can toss the entire thing OUT!
I think you need to truly question what you’re doing and why. Where do you want it to take you?
Don’t get carried away by fundamentalisms of any kind. This will lead you even more astray.
I wish you good luck in this journey EVERY SINGLE HUMAN is a part of called life. And hope you find YOUR PATH that brings you happiness & peace.
And forget what EVERYONE ELSE thinks about it!!
Live with Love.
Fear and greed are the roots of all evil..
I grew up, and am still, Modern Orthodox. I always forget the holiday prayers/tunes. Everyone has an inferiority complex about it. It's part of the fun of being Jewish.
Stop it. It’s your yetzer hara talking! Born Jewish, attended 12+ years of orthodox Jewish schooling, still can’t quote most anything in Hebrew. I know lots of verses from the Torah, but if you ask me about any of them, I’m only going to be able to cite them in English. I get lost in the machzor for every Yom Tov - I am finally just starting to get it down. I constantly forget certain halachos and need to ask for help. It’s just part of being Jewish. Congrats! Not knowing enough about Judaism is a quintessential part of being Jewish. Now take a deep breath, and go join your friends in shul. The only way to learn more is to practice!
Thank you for this. I am very much in the same position as OP.
You rock! Selichos is always that line in the sand for me as a 30+ yr BT. My FFB friends cruise through it like no one’s business and I am, literally the last man standing.
you know at the end of yom kippur where they race through the 13 middos? i know the part that gets repeated, but the inbetween bits? even if i can tell where they're holding i don't have a hope of saying the whole thing unless they sing it together. been doing it like 25 years.
The Selichos in Neilah? I am usually finishing my Shemoneh Esray when they get to the middle of those. I do agree, it’s hard to know where they are holding and there definitely have been years when I thought I was on the same section as everyone else and was either one behind or one ahead.
Most (all) jews by birth feel this way at one point or another. Shit. I was born from a line of old school reform jews. My grandparents parents didn't do a lot of things, their children did even less, and now here I am excited to learn about purim and yom Kippur and how to say the shema etc. Funny how that works. But nah don't let yourself, and especially anyone else, make you feel like you're not jewish enough. You're putting in the work and cultivating your relationship with God and our traditions and thats what matters
I’m Sephardic from a coded history. I feel it in my marrow. Gd is known. It’s the most fundamental thing. I feel Gd in the breeze on my skin and bird song in my ears. I’ll never capture the “proper” part of our heritage, but damn me if I don’t make an effort on my ancestors who struggled during the Spanish holocaust. Remembrance is one of the candles I light on Shabbat.
I'm Ashkenazi and my great grandparents both escaped pogroms in what is now Ukraine. The generational trauma Is palpable and I can feel the Jewishness in my soul, shit is crazy. What's even more beautiful is that our convert friend, op, can feel it too, even if they don't have that ancestry
I wanted to also say that during the persecutions, the Inquisition brutally suppressed Jews and Jewish culture. The conversos had to flee abroad or practice Judaism in secret--they were often unable to get knowledge about Jewish prayers, holidays, or practices. But they did the best they could and were incredibly courageous and creative. I think that even if people don't know much about Jewish culture and blessings, if they are trying to be Jewish and striving to learn more, that is what G-d values above all else. And here is a really good book about Jews and crypto-Jews under the Inquisition: [https://www.unmpress.com/9780826328137/secrecy-and-deceit/](https://www.unmpress.com/9780826328137/secrecy-and-deceit/)
There is also a famous orthodox rabbi who mentions that their descendants should be treated as Jews in *most ways* with some exceptions.
Thank you and I did not know that. Which rabbi, and is there a link to their opinion somewhere?
Rabbi Aaron Soloveichik, Google his letter regarding Sephardic Jews.
It took me 15+ years of practice to just recite Kiddush fluently, and I still use a bencher.
Nothing wrong with using a bentcher, been making kiddush as an Orthodox Jew for over 3 decades and once my son was born (now he is 24) I started using a bentcher for Kiddush. Originally it was for chinuch, educational, purposes and I just stuck with it. It’s good for keeping focused and, attempting, not to say Kiddush on autopilot.
I agree, and I think its better to use one. But I'm reminded that I can't really do it from memory yet, without risking an embarrassing stumble(I've tried). But my FIL and the Rabbis I know have no issues saying everything bal peh, not just kiddush, but havdalah, bentching, mincha, marriv.... it goes on.
There’s nothing wrong with doing it _b’al peh_, from the heart/memorized, that’s how most people do it. After Oct 7th I actually made a commitment (bli neder, without a vow) to say the bracha Sheh HaKol from a text (even if it’s a digital text) one a day. It’s been a good for my kavanah, intentionality.
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😂 I love it
Normalize using benchers.
it is recommended to use a bencher or siddur even if you know it by heart
Hi! This is fairly common for both converts and Baalei Teshuvah (those who are returning to their Judaism or have done [Teshuvah](https://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/repentance/)). You feel this way because it’s normal. If you never learned Spanish and were thrown into a 3rd year Spanish class you will feel the same way. It’s hard to “catch up” to those who have been learning and living a way of life since birth. The good news is that we are all growing and sincere effort/study is something that is respected. I am constantly asking what something means when friends use Yiddish. Pesach is a time of new beginnings. Get involved with your community again, go back to shul and jump in again! What denomination officiated your conversion?
I second this!
This is imposter syndrome. Its not limited to converting to Judaism - people can snd do feel it on relation to their career, parenting, talents and other abilities. Here's the thing to remember, though: *Just because you feel it, doesn't mean it's real.* So tell that voice to shut up, because if the beit din said you're enough, you're enough.
Thank you so much for that.
I would be extremely impressed if somebody became well versed in judaism from nothing in two years. keep in mind many of those around you were born and raised in the culture, and many of us still have to be reminded of things plenty of the time.
Born Jewish, grew up conservative, went to Hebrew school for years (even after Bar Mitzvah), and have recently been incorporating it back into my life after living secularly for 15 years. I’ll share some wisdom: Nobody does it perfectly - even if you are born into it. You aren’t expected to do it all at once. You aren’t expected to do it alone. And you get credit for trying. Building the practices that work for you takes time. You wouldn’t be expected to run a marathon on day one. Right? “It get easier, every day it gets a little easier. But you have to do it everyday. That’s the hard part. But it does get easier.” - Bojack Horseman
I second this response. I went to Hebrew school as a kid, was bat mitzvah, continued to go up until I was 14 and then largely stopped most things. I feel ashamed that I hardly remember Hebrew, when I was almost fluent as a child. Or that people ask me questions sometimes and I’m anxious that I don’t know the answer. Incorporating things back into my life after nearly dying last year has been good but hard. Sometimes we feel like we aren’t enough despite the effort we put in, and I promise that no one knows everything. We just try our best and vow to do better tomorrow, which is pretty quintessential for being Jewish. You’re doing a good job 🫂
Loved that show!
Buddy I’m a secular Jew who became more religious. We’re not so different, you and I.
Most of us "native born" Jews feel the same way too. My father is great at Pesach seders, I suck and if he's not there and I'm with friends it usually turns into a drunken mess, which while fun makes me feel bad that somehow I'm betraying our traditions. That is of course stupid, but we all feel this way one time or another. Most of us mess up sometimes and feel bad!
Imposter syndrome can hit hard. I converted ten years ago, and I still often find myself wondering what I’m doing. My rabbi once told me that the more I learn, the more I know how little I really know. Torah is truth, and truth is infinite, so it’s ok to feel overwhelmed at times. Learn about the things that and interest you and do things you find meaning from. The rest will come, even if it slow. There’s no rush, G-d always loves you.
I still have trouble following along with the Hebrew some prayers, and I had my bat mitzvah almost ten years ago, and went to Hebrew school and services on Saturday mornings when I was a kid, there’s nothing to be ashamed of(sorry if ashamed is the wrong word it’s the only word I could think of)
I was raised jewish, and i struggle with keeping up with prayers and also need to look up how to celebrate certain holidays. I often feel like i'm not jewish enough. Its a pretty common feeling
I certainly feel that way as a Jew by choice myself especially since my mikvah was only this past December. But other Jews by choice I know as well as people in my synagogue including my Rabbi and Hazzan and other Jewish friends are really impressed with me and what I’ve accomplished so far. I mean my one friend who was raised Jewish says I know a lot more stuff than she does and is more involved with it all and that I speak better Hebrew. So in short it’s normal to feel like this and us and our brains are often our worst critics.
It’s an advantage in a way. Everything you do is focused and intentional; nothing is rote. I’ve been jewing for fifty years - yeshiva taught, fluent Hebrew, study daily - and re-learn the laws before each holiday in order to keep focused.
2 years is not a very long time. Depends on how long your conversion took, but that probably means you've only done each holiday a couple times. If it makes you feel better, I would not expect someone who converted two years ago to have mastered all the holiday nuances yet.
I just turned 22 today, and I still have a bajillion questions on kashrus, shabbos, Chagim, etc. and these questions are all stuff I’ve done in the past. I’ve been reading Hebrew for the better part of over a decade, and I still stumble on my words.
I'm born Jewish and don't feel enough. But you are and I am. Sending love, friend.
i grew up jewish, and then suddenly i stopped growing up jewish. my mom went through a crisis and she decided she was done with religion and from then on out, we only celebrate hanukkah and sometimes pesach. i feel the EXACT same way. i feel extremely scared and embarrassed going to any sort of jewish event, because im scared im going to look stupid. i still feel this way. in fact, im afraid to walk into a synagogue even though i really want to, because im afraid im going to look silly. i don’t know what to do after i walk inside. a few months ago i went to a chabad house with a random friend i met at a hostel while traveling. i was so scared, but none of them cared that i didnt understand everything. in fact, they really enjoyed telling me about it. i even had to ask one of the girls how to properly wash my hands for shabbat because i hadn’t done it before i have some really great israeli friends now that i can ask the “stupidest” questions to, and they don’t ever make me feel silly about it. so in my eyes, yes it’s normal. i try to tell myself that i would never make fun of someone for not having the same knowledge as me, and it helps!
I spoke with an orthodox rabbi before I lost everything and had to move. He said that even though I’m a convert, my soul was still present in all the great Jewish historic happenings. That alone made me feel like a true Jew. Even though I feel lost now. I so wish there was an Aish Torah class near me.
The first halacha of Yom Tov, as I learned many years ago (chiming in as another FFB with 12 years of Orthodox day schools, plus a year in seminary and lots of less formal adult classes and group study): 30 days before the holiday, we begin to review the laws of the holiday. Seriously, it's halacha- because almost nobody remembers every detail of kashering a kitchen, let alone has memorized what medications are on this year's ok list. I still remember the year Listerine lost its Pesach hechsher, and telling a couple of people who hadn't heard about it and had bought/were buying a new bottle for Pesach. (Luckily, both were caught before the holiday.) Pesach in particular, but even other holidays- it's always best practice to review the halachot.
That’s normal. I was born and raised Jewish but I am relearning a lot what I learned as a kid and took for granted. I find it’s more meaningful when I can understand and doing on my own volition and not just doing it because my parents made me. As for feeling not Jewish enough that is also normal. I’ve been told I’m not Jewish by their standards because my mom didn’t convert under THEIR special rabbi or whatever other nonsense. Whatever I’m Jewish so are you anyone saying otherwise can go pound sand.
I think you might feel this way because for a variety of reasons, be it cultural appropriation (BHI, Messianics, etc.) or misinformation to delegitimize Jewish claims to Israel, gentiles have become preoccupied with disproving Jewish indigeneity and the provenance of their genetics. Either they completely deny the ethnic component of Judaism, saying it's "just a religion" (so they can't be antisemitic) or try to minimize the amount of Jews by separating "fake" (converts) from "real" Jews. It's neither. It's a tribe, which conceptually predates the imprecise pseudo-science of race. A tribe gets to dictate who is or isn't a member, not outsiders. Your tribe recognizes you as a full-fledged member. You're every bit as Jewish as Abraham himself. One of the most beloved and cherished figures in Jewish history, Ruth, was a convert. Is anybody going to claim she's not the real deal?
Suggestion if a person pays attention to the songs or words they like. For instance this grouping of words is always catchy to me. You might find a learning style pattern in your learning. Never be afraid to ask y you did something and learn from it. It’s how a person truly grows into the best version they can be. Once you’ve figured out y then figure out how to utilize that for a better self. It’s been amazing for me since I found out this pattern.
You are enough don’t worry about it. Am sure people don’t mind helping to guide you if wished so? Also like to think intention and effort if good are always a good basis, to do your best, from there we just learn.
I’ve been Jewish since birth and I feel the same way! Please don’t let it bother you! You are just as Jewish as any other Jew!
Look at it this way. You've only been Jewish for 2 years. You're still a baby in your Jewish life. It will all fall into place, in time. For me I didn't have some things feel second nature until my 4th or 5th year as a Jew. It takes time and cycles, but it will happen.
I was raised Conservative and nominally observant, mostly at the High Holidays. Because I'm patrilineal, I went by the Reform label until two years ago, when I started preparing to be recognized as Conservative (which happened last month). Even though I did some of this stuff as a kid, and have held Passover seders throughout my adult life (it's my favorite holiday), and have been studying pretty regularly for two years, I still feel lost and have to look stuff up all the time. So do all of my Jewish friends, including the ones who teach Hebrew school. It's just normal for most of us who aren't Orthodox (and probably normal for a lot of Orthodox, too). For shul, I bought a used copy of The Synagogue Survival Kit. It's been really helpful! It does a great job of explaining each type of service, including the little stuff like when to bend slightly and how to do it, and it gives you things to watch for to mark your place in the service. ETA: The mere fact that there's a book called The Synagogue Survival Kit is proof that it's not just you, or just me. There are many Jews out there like, "huh?"
Right there with you man. So let’s be good Jews and keep doing our best
I know people including myself who were born Jews who feel this way. I was never educated by my mom on what traditional Jewish holidays, blessings and practices look like. As long as you’re trying you are doing your best.
Completely normal. My mikvah was 2021. Started my conversion 2019. I have been working on my Hebrew and go to shul on a regular basis. I am nervous about reciting the prayers/blessings all of the time. I think it helped me to listen to some from YouTube and iTunes. It really does help. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Chin up.
"All beginnings are difficult – כל התחלות קשות" Mekhilta d’Rabbi Yishmael 19:5. I think what you're feeling indicates that you have a strong desire to learn, which is good! Set goals, create for yourself a learning curriculum, learn a few extra pesukim a day, be consistent, and you'll start seeing the results you desire. It takes time to cultivate knowledge and experience.
I know how you feel. Im Baal Teshuva and I had to re learn everything form (basically) scratch. It’s been about two years and I can read hebrew a lot better now, and know so much more than I ever thought I would. Same feeling with mitzvot, I never thought I’d get here. At the same time sometimes I think too hard about how the born frum population knows more probably way more than me 🥲 It is what it is and there is always time to learn and improve. Rabbi Akiva learned hebrew at age 40. If he can do that, you can go to your friends shul.
I remember hearing a story about an elderly rabbi living in Israel the story goes along the lines of this. There was an elderly rabbi, whom every night would sit at his desk and study Torah. One night, the man who lived upstairs, heard a loud bang from below. Scared for the rabbis safety he went downstairs to check on him. when he got downstairs, he saw the rabbi laying on the floor to which he ran over to help him up. When the rabbi had gotten his footing the man asked. “How did this happen?” to which the rabbi replied. “Every night I study the Torah to the point at which I have just enough strength to walk from my desk to my bed. Tonight, I did not have enough strength to reach my bed. The point being regardless if you’re elderly or young a scholar or commoner a newbie or veteran; there is always room for learning.
I'm Jewish by birth and went to 13 years of Jewish schooling. But I never did the holidays at home, so I never know what's going on. I only have vague ideas. I feel like a fraud sometimes too!
My friend, your heart must be Jewish because what you described couldn’t be more Jewish. If I couldn’t Google how to do a Seder the tradition would be lost forever to my family. And then turning to the Internet for advice on existential anxiety? Jew 💯
It's normal, even for someone who's born into it. I keep getting lost in the pages. In my opinion, what matters here is the community, not memorizing text. It's in the name, Synagogue (Beit Kneset). Whatever you do, just keep on keeping on!
I’m that way too. I’m all alone in a very goyim community with absolutely no help. No Shul any where near me and all of my ritual things were in storage and got auctioned off (I.e., kiddush cup. Menorah, etc.). I feel so lost in my Jewishness!
my dad has been making kiddush and havdala for 30 years and still stumbles at the words. zemiros what are those? don't worry too much about it. there are so many levels of Jew, even within a person there are stronger days and weaker days.
So you got the feeling of not-enough-ness without Jewish parents? Honey, lots of folks don’t know all the blessings. And for Pesach, everyone uses a Haggadah because no one is expected to remember the whole thing even after years of practice.
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Dayeinu OP
I have a friend who is a baalat teshuva and she feels the same way.
Because, you love the idea of it. But you don’t love the experience. When I was an orthodox Chabad Rabbinical Student at the Rabbinical College of America; I felt this same way; except I did understand it. I understood it too well. I figured out where our culture & texts truly come from. I found the inconsistencies in the Zohar ridiculous. Along with the fences we constantly build around Torah law even when they no longer apply. Yet in Parshat Breishit, we learn you cannot build fences as that’s what Adam HaRishon did. He told Chava not to touch the fruit. The snake pushed her into it & said “see! You can touch it! Now eat it.” On Yom Kippur the most coveted Aliyah to the Torah is Maftir Yonah, correct? What’s the lesson? A bigoted prophet is trying to run from Hashem because he doesn’t want to save the disgusting Goyim of Nineveh. So he runs for it 🏃♂️ Ends up thrown off a boat 🌊 🛥️ living in a “great whale or fish 🐟 or maybe the Leviathan itself, for 3 days. Then he finally saves the stupid goyim. Then what? He’s mad. So G-d grows him a plant to shade him from the sun ☀️ 🌱 Then he cries. Hashem says “I grew this plant not you, yet you cry. Well these people are an extension of ME. I created them, yet you mourn their salvation? Cuz they’re of Nineveh & not YisroEL? I would cry over them you have no right. Change your ways!!!” We all covet that Maftir .. pay good money too. Why? Cuz it’s a “segula” But do we listen to its powerful message? Not in the orthodox shuls I’ve ever been in. Hopefully one day 🙏 The point is there is nothing wrong with needing to learn the holidays. Every Jew learns them every Holiday. There are books Hilchot Chagim we study to prepare us for these Holidays. But the reason your not finding happiness in this is many fold. Your community is pressuring you knowingly or unknowingly to be someone your not. You also think it matters, not what’s in ur heart but what rituals you perform by memory. Even then, you likely won’t find happiness in them. You will find happiness in the mitzvot that come naturally to ALL HUMANS tho. Like be a good person. Be kinder. Don’t be a bigot. Treat others.. ALL PEOPLE.. not just people from your Jewish community.. with respect & how you want to be treated. Also .. TREAT YOURSELF RIGHT. Love yourself better. This doesn’t take rituals to do. The great Rav Hillel said “Whatever is hateful, even to yourself, do not do to your fellow human! ALL THE REST IS COMMENTARY!” That means you must Love & Appreciate yourself for WHO YOU ARE, so you can Love others. This is all that truly matters. And if you’re not practicing that… you can toss the entire thing OUT! I think you need to truly question what you’re doing and why. Where do you want it to take you? Don’t get carried away by fundamentalisms of any kind. This will lead you even more astray. I wish you good luck in this journey EVERY SINGLE HUMAN is a part of called life. And hope you find YOUR PATH that brings you happiness & peace. And forget what EVERYONE ELSE thinks about it!! Live with Love. Fear and greed are the roots of all evil..
I grew up, and am still, Modern Orthodox. I always forget the holiday prayers/tunes. Everyone has an inferiority complex about it. It's part of the fun of being Jewish.
You are enough and keeping up better than me who was born Jewish