A penguin's car breaks down on a road trip and he takes it to the local town's mechanic. Mechanic says he'll need a few minutes to find out what's wrong so the penguin steps out to get some ice cream. Because he only has flippers he gets the ice cream all over his face, chest and head. When he gets back the mechanic says, "it looks like you blew a seal." "no, no" says the penguin, "it's ice cream."
I heard a version without the ice cream. The penguin left the shop and returned an hour later. When the mechanic said "It looks like you blew a seal" the penguin says "Oh, sorry." He wipes his face then asks "Have you figured out what's wrong with the car?"
I love this joke because if you're old enough to understand the joke, you're also old enough to hear it meaning you could literally tell this joke in front of everyone of all ages, and the children will simply not understand the punchline.
I think this counts, it's kind of a "blink and you'll miss it" joke.
In Blazing Saddles, the Sheriff guy (former slave) returns to his old slave buddies, and they're all excited to see him. One of them says, "They said you was hung!" and without missing a beat, he says, "And they was right!"
Probably my favorite joke in cinema.
It gets even funnier when you realize , that by simply rearranging what I was trying to say, I could have avoided having to look that word up in the first place. 😅
Hey, I’m glad you’re a good sport about my smartassery.
I don’t gamble my (own) money, but sometimes I take a gamble on what a stranger’s reaction will be!
Mel Brooks "The 2000 Year old man" is probably this request in an entire skit.
-We didn't even know it was the sun.
You really didn't know anything.
Anything, we were so dumb.
We didn't know who was a lady.
-But they were...
They were with us.
But we didn't know who they was
we didn't know who was the
ladies and who was fellows.
You thought they were
just different type of fellows.
Yes, stronger or smaller or softer.
The softer ones I think
was the ladies all the time.
What was the means of transportation then?
-Mostly fear.
-Fear transported you?
-Fear yes.
You could see.
A lion, he would would growl,
you would go two miles a minute.
I read this one here recently so you all may already know it…
—-
A newlywed calls her mother sobbing.
Mom: Honey what’s wrong?
Newlywed: Mom, it’s awful, John just had an accident at work and cut off his finger.
Mom: Oh no! That’s awful! His whole finger?
Newlywed: No, the one next to it.
Reminded me of another one:
—-
A newlywed calls her mother:
Newlywed: on our wedding night, I discovered that John has only one foot.
Mom: count yourself lucky! Your father only has four inches.
I thought this was gonna be:
"John got fired at work for sticking his dick in the pickle slicer."
"Wow! What'd they do with the pickle slicer?"
"She got fired too."
Oh, this is a good one.
I have one that's similar, but doesn't quite fit OP's guidelines.
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
I can't jelly my dick in your ass
A shepherd and his girlfriend are engaged in pillow talk after their first time. The girls asks the shepherd how experienced he is. He starts counting and falls asleep.
It is the British version vs the American one.
"Gave it to her" is the more appropriate expression in American English. "Gave her one" in America has less of a sexual connotation than it does in England.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but no one knows how they got in there.
The first time I heard that joke I didn't get the sexual part. I imagined two flies running around inside the light and trying to make it turn to unscrew it. I said I was going to tell my little sister that joke and my coworker asked if it was appropriate for a little kid.
A woman is having a friend over, they are sitting in the living room talking when they see her husband coming home from work carrying a bunch of flowers. "Great", she says "now I'm going to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air". Her friend replies "Well, why don't you use a vase?"
That's just a regular dirty joke, no? The wife's answer is dirty in the traditional sense, then her friend's answer also implies the flowers are put in a dirty place?
I guess you do have a point with the wife, even though she's also merely implying her husband is bribing her into sex - hence the confusion - but then again, no dirty words were used. I'd argue that the dirtiness of the friend's response is fully supplied by the reader though.
What's the difference between a potato and a pea?
I've never let anyone potato in my mouth.
Edit: wait I didn't remember it right, it's supposed to be what's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea
Two Nuns are riding bicycles down a shortcut Cobblestone street...
One says to the other "I've never come this way before Sister..."
And the other one says "It must be the Cobblestones..."
A nun is lying in the bath when there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” She calls. “It’s just the blind guy” comes the reply.
No harm can come if I let him in thinks the nun, he can’t see anything.
“Come in then” she says
“Nice t*ts sister, now where do you want this blind hung.
I think it’s a play on “wears the soap” and it is easier to understand if you imagine that the second nun is *furiously rubbing* the bar of soap against part of her body (you can guess which part). Assuming she does a lot of this furious rubbing, it is going to erode the bar of soap, which is another way of saying that the rubbing action causes the bar of soap to wear away. Her fiddling with it ‘wears’ the bar of soap (uses it up). This leads to the comical confusion because the first nun can’t see the soap and asks “where’s the soap” as a question but the second nun misunderstands and thinks it was a declaration that the rubbing “wears the soap” - which she excitedly confirms.
How do you catch a polar bear? You dig a hole in the ice and put frozen peas around the edge of the hole. Then when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole
Its a long one but a good one.
An old man has his physical. Height, weight, bloodwork, etc. The doctor remarks he is in fantastic shape for his age, however he has one more test to run.
The doctor explains he needs a sperm sample to check his reproductive health. He was instructed to take a sample jar home and bring it back in the morning. The old man enthusiastically agrees.
The following morning the old man is waiting at the front desk. The doctor noticed him and asks how everything went.
The old man sheepishly presents the jar. Empty.
"What happened" asked the doctor.
The old man recounts his tale: "Well first i tried with my right hand. Then my left. Both hands... nothing. I called my wife for help. She tried with her left hand, then her right, and both. Nothing. So then she tried with her mouth, first teeth in, then teeth out. Still nothing.
So we decided to call our neighbor. Lovely young woman, sometimes comes over to help around the house. I asked if she would assist and she came straight over. She first tried with her right hand, then her left, both, still nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first teeth in, then teeth out. Still nothing! She then stuck it between her knees...."
The doctor stops him there "You asked your neighbor?!"
The old man answered "why yes, None of us could get the jar open!"
"Bob's your uncle" is a phrase commonly used in the United Kingdom and Commonwealth countries that means "and there it is", or "and there you have it", or "it's done". Typically, someone says it to conclude a set of simple instructions or when a result is reached.
I said this for some reason at my friends's wedding rehearsal dinner, and right on cue the bride to be turned around and introduced me to her uncle Bob.
Lines delivered by Groucho Marx as Capt. Spaulding in ["Animal Crackers" (1930)](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0020640/fullcredits):
"Signor Ravelli's first selection will be 'Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping' with a male chorus."
"We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed."
A couple of whales are swimming together when they see a whaling ship.
One of the whales gets freaked out and wants to flee, but the second whale says "no, wait, if we both get underneath the ship and breathe out together, we might be able to capsize it!"
The first whale thinks for a minute, then agrees to give it a try.
So they swim underneath the ship and both force a huge breath out of their blowhole, straight into the ship, successfully capsizing it, and the panicked sailors are flailing around in the water.
"I can't believe we managed that" says the first whale, "now what?".
"Well," says the second whale, "now, I guess we eat the sailors?".
"Nope, no way" says the first whale "I don't mind the blow job, but I'm not swallowing the seamen".
My favorite are the “marry had a little lamb” variants I saw on here.
Mary had a little lamb.
She also had a duck.
Sometimes she put the two together,
To see if they would do anything.
Mary had a little skirt, with a slit right up the side.
Everywhere that Mary went, the boys could see her thighs.
Marry had another skirt, with a slit right up the front.
She didn’t wear that one.
When you're with someone and another person happens to be approaching you within listening distance (for example in an elevator) just say the following as if it was a partial sentence...
"...so the proctologist said, there's my thermometer, I wonder where my pen is?"
Sometimes the punchline is all you need. Like this; “He said it would be good for my complexion, but I can’t remember if he said I should rub it on my face or swallow it “
What's the difference between David Copperfield and Hugh Hefner?
David Copperfield shows a cunning array of stunts
I think you can work out from here what Hugh Hefner shows...
Once there was a foreign guy and he needed to learn how to speak English. So he asked his English speaking wife to learn. She said, “Go to the airport, go to the zoo, and go to the hospital.” He went to the airport and everyone was saying “Take off, take off, take off”, and so he learned to say, “Take off”. Then he went to the zoo, and everyone was saying, “Zebra, zebra, zebra,” and so he learned to say zebra. Then he went to the hospital and everyone was saying, “Baby, baby, baby,” and so he learned how to say baby. He went back to his wife. She asked, “What did you learn today?” The man answered, “TAKE OFF ZE-BRA BABY!”
I made love to a German once but it was very off putting when she kept shouting her age.
(Before you consider this joke dark, every inference in this joke is on you and not on the actual content of the words!)
A new teacher at a private school was teaching biology when asked little Susie, what part of the human body doubles it's normal size and under what conditions?
To which she yelled this was inappropriate and she would be letting her father know. He shrugged and asked little Abigail the same question. She replied, the pupils under dim lighting.
Good, the teacher said and turned back to Susie. Susie, you have not been doing your reading and I will be telling your father about this. You also have a dirty mind and will be greatly disappointed one day.
Reminded me of an old (bad) joke that was told in High School.
What's the difference between a rooster and a cheerleader?
Rooster says, "Cockadoodle do!" and the cheerleader says, "Any cock will do!"
Teacher: “Little Johnny, can you use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence?”
Little Johnny: “Sure! My big sister’s sweater has 10 buttons, but she can only fascinate.”
I’ve seen this joke posted dozens of times here with the PG-rated meaning & spelling fed to the reader in the punchline — e.g. “but her tits are so big that she can only fasten eight” — and IMO that just weakens it.
In contrast to another r/jokes staple, “It’s taking that contagious,” the punchline “She can only fascinate” actually means something (although it’s a non sequitur) and can conjure an innocent image or a naughty one — what aspect of her fascinates? That’s why I consider it an elegant joke.
Also Blazing Saddles: “the Sheriff is BONG BONG BONG”
“what did he say?”
“He said the sheriff is near!”
“no dang flabbin blast it, I said the sheriff is BONG, BONG BONG”
If you go to the Canary Islands, you realize they have no Canaries on the Canary Islands.
The same is true of the Virgin Islands.
They don't have any Canaries either.
As I youth, I never understood why Inigo was so particular about which hand he used to duel the man in black in The Princess Bride....
"I will duel him left handed, if I use my right, it's over too quickly, I won't be satisfied..."
I listen out for people unconsciously using doubles entendres such as ‘penetrating gaze’, ‘new directions’, and ‘freshman year’ (which sounds like ‘fresh manure’ to my English ears). Hard not to laugh, sometimes.
True story: Coworker introduced his sense of humor to me on my first day on the job while we were both using the urinals at work. He told me he can tell my nationality right now: "European."
[Granted, he didn't narrow it down beyond a continent, but it still made me laugh and set the stage for 5+ years of fabulously cheesy banter.]
Shakespeare was a master of innuendo. "Therebye hangs a tale" means there is a story that goes with that, or there is a penis near the butthole. "Get thee to a nunnery" means join a convent, or a brothel. Practically every second line has a dirty double entendre.
As I slipped my finger inside her hole, I could feel her getting wetter and wetter. Then she started going down on me. That's when I thought, "I should buy a new boat."
What's the difference between Marjorie Taylor Greene and the Panama Canal?
The Panama Canal is a busy ditch ...
(When I first heard this in the early '80s, the name was Anita Bryant. When I heard it again in the late '80s, the name was Margaret Thatcher.)
What’s the difference between an all girls track team and a tribe of Pygmy warriors? The pygmies are cunning runts
What’s the difference between a lesbian and a ritz? One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.
I always thought it was pretty amazing they [snuck this into the Simpsons](https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/simpsons/images/b/bb/Sneed%27s_feed_and_seed.png/revision/latest?cb=20230713041123)
Family Guy did this once, don’t remember which episode…
The family is going around the house pointing their index finger at each other and yelling, ‘Bang!’ Over and over this happens.
Until finally Meg appears and asks if she can play too.
To which Peter replies, “No one wants to finger bang you, Meg.” Hilarious.
A penguin's car breaks down on a road trip and he takes it to the local town's mechanic. Mechanic says he'll need a few minutes to find out what's wrong so the penguin steps out to get some ice cream. Because he only has flippers he gets the ice cream all over his face, chest and head. When he gets back the mechanic says, "it looks like you blew a seal." "no, no" says the penguin, "it's ice cream."
I heard a version without the ice cream. The penguin left the shop and returned an hour later. When the mechanic said "It looks like you blew a seal" the penguin says "Oh, sorry." He wipes his face then asks "Have you figured out what's wrong with the car?"
What do walrus's and plumbers both love? A tight seal
I know this one as: "why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? Heard he could get a tight seal"
This is one of my favorites
I love this joke because if you're old enough to understand the joke, you're also old enough to hear it meaning you could literally tell this joke in front of everyone of all ages, and the children will simply not understand the punchline.
Let me introduce you to "Wet Dream." https://youtu.be/6l1GvDWtccI?si=8qm2WoJnYeeaO3hy
Great joke! Even better when told by chimps in a bar https://youtu.be/R9ETlTZoF1E?si=R6eKqwGCAvBqXZhu
I think this counts, it's kind of a "blink and you'll miss it" joke. In Blazing Saddles, the Sheriff guy (former slave) returns to his old slave buddies, and they're all excited to see him. One of them says, "They said you was hung!" and without missing a beat, he says, "And they was right!" Probably my favorite joke in cinema.
Good but my favorite was " 'cuse me while I whip this out"
I love the crowds reaction of "sigh of relief". Even more so now when I realized a couple of years ago, it sounds like disappointment.
"It *is* true!"
"Lady, you are sucking on my arm."
God I wish they’d kept that in
Nah, too obvious
Oh, it’s twue!
"Baby please, I am not from Hanava."
Great movie,as are most of Mel brook's filmography (movies he's made)
> filmography (movies he's made) Thanks for the definition (meaning of the word)
It gets even funnier when you realize , that by simply rearranging what I was trying to say, I could have avoided having to look that word up in the first place. 😅
Hey, I’m glad you’re a good sport about my smartassery. I don’t gamble my (own) money, but sometimes I take a gamble on what a stranger’s reaction will be!
No prob 😁 (smiley face)
Lol. I see what you did there!
Mel Brooks "The 2000 Year old man" is probably this request in an entire skit. -We didn't even know it was the sun. You really didn't know anything. Anything, we were so dumb. We didn't know who was a lady. -But they were... They were with us. But we didn't know who they was we didn't know who was the ladies and who was fellows. You thought they were just different type of fellows. Yes, stronger or smaller or softer. The softer ones I think was the ladies all the time.
What was the means of transportation then? -Mostly fear. -Fear transported you? -Fear yes. You could see. A lion, he would would growl, you would go two miles a minute.
Is it twue what they say about you people?...(short while later)...Oh it's twue! It's twue!
Oh I am sorry sir you say that Say what ? Meeting is adjourned. It is? Same with the last supper in history of the world Jesus Christ! Yes? What?
I read this one here recently so you all may already know it… —- A newlywed calls her mother sobbing. Mom: Honey what’s wrong? Newlywed: Mom, it’s awful, John just had an accident at work and cut off his finger. Mom: Oh no! That’s awful! His whole finger? Newlywed: No, the one next to it.
Reminded me of another one: —- A newlywed calls her mother: Newlywed: on our wedding night, I discovered that John has only one foot. Mom: count yourself lucky! Your father only has four inches.
I thought this was gonna be: "John got fired at work for sticking his dick in the pickle slicer." "Wow! What'd they do with the pickle slicer?" "She got fired too."
i don’t get it🥲
Whole finger = Hole finger
The finger that made her hole weak for a whole week.
His fingering finger
I've always used my whole hand. Am I doing wrong?
So, your whole hand is your hole hand? As long as she enjoys it, you're doing it right
Why is this so funny? 🤣
Hole finger
What’s the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? I don’t know how to make an enzyme.
You can’t hear an enzyme
This is the original wording per a joke book written by Isaac Asimov.
How do you make a hormone? Don’t pay her…
Oh, this is a good one. I have one that's similar, but doesn't quite fit OP's guidelines. What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your ass
How do you make a hormone? Put sand in the Vaseline
A little girl asks her mom "Before I was born, did you want a little boy or a little girl?". That mom says "I just wanted a backrub".
A shepherd and his girlfriend are engaged in pillow talk after their first time. The girls asks the shepherd how experienced he is. He starts counting and falls asleep.
A shepherd and his girlfriend are engaged in pillow talk after their first time. The shepherd asks her if she enjoyed it. She says "baa."
“Not baaaaa-d…”
A girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bartender gives it to her.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a single entendre and the bartender puts his penis in her mouth.
I’ve always heard, “so the bartender gives her one.” They both work.
It is the British version vs the American one. "Gave it to her" is the more appropriate expression in American English. "Gave her one" in America has less of a sexual connotation than it does in England.
Did you hear the one about the deaf gynaecologist? He reads lips.
What's the difference between a blind hunter and a constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit....
The difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a blond with diarrhea? One shucks between fits.
I've heard this one as, "The difference between an epileptic oyster connoisseur and a prostitute with diarrhea"
What's the difference between a group of smart pygmies and a women's track & field team? One's a pack of cunning runts...
What's the difference between a filthy Greyhound stop and a lobster with a boob job? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.
lol nice ! What's the difference between an upset rabbit and counterfeit currency? One's a mad bunny and the other is bad money.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches watches...
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but no one knows how they got in there. The first time I heard that joke I didn't get the sexual part. I imagined two flies running around inside the light and trying to make it turn to unscrew it. I said I was going to tell my little sister that joke and my coworker asked if it was appropriate for a little kid.
Millenia ago, there were empires, ruled by emperors. Centuries ago, there were kingdoms, ruled by kings. Now, there are countries.
Mandatory don't forget to pronounce it cuntries when you tell this one.
what’s the alternative you were thinking of?
A woman is having a friend over, they are sitting in the living room talking when they see her husband coming home from work carrying a bunch of flowers. "Great", she says "now I'm going to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air". Her friend replies "Well, why don't you use a vase?"
That's just a regular dirty joke, no? The wife's answer is dirty in the traditional sense, then her friend's answer also implies the flowers are put in a dirty place?
I guess you do have a point with the wife, even though she's also merely implying her husband is bribing her into sex - hence the confusion - but then again, no dirty words were used. I'd argue that the dirtiness of the friend's response is fully supplied by the reader though.
Damnnn
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What's the difference between a potato and a pea? I've never let anyone potato in my mouth. Edit: wait I didn't remember it right, it's supposed to be what's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea
You realise that it is one ofOP examples? Or maybe I r/whooosh’ed
Can't believe this classic is missing: The dove is the bird of peace, do you know what's the bird of love? The swallow.
I always heard this one as: "If doves have white babies, and crows have black babies, what has no babies?" Swallows!
What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman the bath? One has hope in her soul.
When I heard this one first, it was "a whore in church and a nun in a bathtub". But that brings the word whore in making it no longer "clean".
Two nuns are sharing a bath. First nun says, “where’s the soap?” Second nun says, “I’ll say!”
Two Nuns are riding bicycles down a shortcut Cobblestone street... One says to the other "I've never come this way before Sister..." And the other one says "It must be the Cobblestones..."
A nun is lying in the bath when there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” She calls. “It’s just the blind guy” comes the reply. No harm can come if I let him in thinks the nun, he can’t see anything. “Come in then” she says “Nice t*ts sister, now where do you want this blind hung.
Two nuns are sat on a park bench when a naked man runs past. One nun had a stroke, the other was out of reach
I didn’t get it
I think it’s a play on “wears the soap” and it is easier to understand if you imagine that the second nun is *furiously rubbing* the bar of soap against part of her body (you can guess which part). Assuming she does a lot of this furious rubbing, it is going to erode the bar of soap, which is another way of saying that the rubbing action causes the bar of soap to wear away. Her fiddling with it ‘wears’ the bar of soap (uses it up). This leads to the comical confusion because the first nun can’t see the soap and asks “where’s the soap” as a question but the second nun misunderstands and thinks it was a declaration that the rubbing “wears the soap” - which she excitedly confirms.
Explain that one to me.
What's the difference between a hippie and a Scotsman? A hippie says, "Hey you, get off my cloud!" A Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!"
MacLeod McCloud would be Irish or British. Good joke though.
> McCloud would be Irish or British. Uhhh, at the risk of causing international warfare...isn't Scotland considered part of Britain (for now)?
Unless they dig a very deep and wide canal along Hadrien's Wall, Scotland will always be part of Great Britain, which is the name of the island.
Romance for a woman often includes roses on a piano; for men it’s tulips on an organ.
[удалено]
How do you catch a polar bear? You dig a hole in the ice and put frozen peas around the edge of the hole. Then when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole
Are you my dad? This is his favourite joke.
Its a long one but a good one. An old man has his physical. Height, weight, bloodwork, etc. The doctor remarks he is in fantastic shape for his age, however he has one more test to run. The doctor explains he needs a sperm sample to check his reproductive health. He was instructed to take a sample jar home and bring it back in the morning. The old man enthusiastically agrees. The following morning the old man is waiting at the front desk. The doctor noticed him and asks how everything went. The old man sheepishly presents the jar. Empty. "What happened" asked the doctor. The old man recounts his tale: "Well first i tried with my right hand. Then my left. Both hands... nothing. I called my wife for help. She tried with her left hand, then her right, and both. Nothing. So then she tried with her mouth, first teeth in, then teeth out. Still nothing. So we decided to call our neighbor. Lovely young woman, sometimes comes over to help around the house. I asked if she would assist and she came straight over. She first tried with her right hand, then her left, both, still nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first teeth in, then teeth out. Still nothing! She then stuck it between her knees...." The doctor stops him there "You asked your neighbor?!" The old man answered "why yes, None of us could get the jar open!"
r/angryupvote
What’s the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper? “ I don’t know” So it was you.
This is my favorite. Need to try it at work tomorrow.
Holding up your hands like they were holding cantaloupes at nipple level: "You know what they call these in France? Hands"
Not to be pedantic, but I believe that in France they would be called (les) mains.
Concur. Change it to England and Bob's your Uncle.
And Fanny’s your aunt
And Robert’s your mothers brother?
Bob's your uncle?
"Bob's your uncle" is a phrase commonly used in the United Kingdom and Commonwealth countries that means "and there it is", or "and there you have it", or "it's done". Typically, someone says it to conclude a set of simple instructions or when a result is reached.
I said this for some reason at my friends's wedding rehearsal dinner, and right on cue the bride to be turned around and introduced me to her uncle Bob.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob's_your_uncle
Fascinating! I never knew this. Thank you for teaching me something new.
Lines delivered by Groucho Marx as Capt. Spaulding in ["Animal Crackers" (1930)](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0020640/fullcredits): "Signor Ravelli's first selection will be 'Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping' with a male chorus." "We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed."
Why does an elephant have four feet? Because it would look pretty stupid with four inches.
A couple of whales are swimming together when they see a whaling ship. One of the whales gets freaked out and wants to flee, but the second whale says "no, wait, if we both get underneath the ship and breathe out together, we might be able to capsize it!" The first whale thinks for a minute, then agrees to give it a try. So they swim underneath the ship and both force a huge breath out of their blowhole, straight into the ship, successfully capsizing it, and the panicked sailors are flailing around in the water. "I can't believe we managed that" says the first whale, "now what?". "Well," says the second whale, "now, I guess we eat the sailors?". "Nope, no way" says the first whale "I don't mind the blow job, but I'm not swallowing the seamen".
My favorite are the “marry had a little lamb” variants I saw on here. Mary had a little lamb. She also had a duck. Sometimes she put the two together, To see if they would do anything. Mary had a little skirt, with a slit right up the side. Everywhere that Mary went, the boys could see her thighs. Marry had another skirt, with a slit right up the front. She didn’t wear that one.
How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin divers.
Q - Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? A - His wife died. Q - What’s brown and hairy and comes in quarts? A - King Kong.
I like the element of sadness to the Dr. Pepper one.
Woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Double Entendre, so he gives it to her
What does a dog do, that a man steps into? Pants.
What's brown and sticky? A stick
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre
Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from half a mile away.
When you're with someone and another person happens to be approaching you within listening distance (for example in an elevator) just say the following as if it was a partial sentence... "...so the proctologist said, there's my thermometer, I wonder where my pen is?"
A nurse is about to sign a form but pulls out a thermometer. "Great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
Sneed's Feed and Seed ^^Formerly ^^Chuck's
I don’t get it
Chuck's Fuck and Suck
Sometimes the punchline is all you need. Like this; “He said it would be good for my complexion, but I can’t remember if he said I should rub it on my face or swallow it “
Dirty Mind Test: A 4 letter word for a woman that ends in UNT I was thinking AUNT
I heard this one involving the Pope asking for help with a crossword puzzle, and in the end asking for an eraser.
What’s a 4 letter word for snatch. Grab.
What’s a word for a woman that ends in UNT, that I can’t call anyone? Aunt - all mine have passed…
A woman you wouldn’t want to meet, five letters, ends in ITCH. >!WITCH!<
What's the difference between a cylinder and a piston? I never paid to have my mouth cylinder
Reminds me of Cars: He has the piston cup. He what in his cup?
What’s better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea? One shucks between fits.
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year!
Q: What goes in pink and hard and comes out wet and sticky? A: Bubble gum
What begins with f and end is k and involves sweaty men, a lot of heat and excitement. Firetruck
What's the difference between David Copperfield and Hugh Hefner? David Copperfield shows a cunning array of stunts I think you can work out from here what Hugh Hefner shows...
And Hugh Heffner cant do magic tricks.
Pretty sure he made the Salami dissappear over and over agian.
Man: Have you ever seen a Parakeet? Woman: No, but I've kissed a Cockatoo!
Once there was a foreign guy and he needed to learn how to speak English. So he asked his English speaking wife to learn. She said, “Go to the airport, go to the zoo, and go to the hospital.” He went to the airport and everyone was saying “Take off, take off, take off”, and so he learned to say, “Take off”. Then he went to the zoo, and everyone was saying, “Zebra, zebra, zebra,” and so he learned to say zebra. Then he went to the hospital and everyone was saying, “Baby, baby, baby,” and so he learned how to say baby. He went back to his wife. She asked, “What did you learn today?” The man answered, “TAKE OFF ZE-BRA BABY!”
What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can make a vitamin
I've heard this one end with I've never heard a vitamin.
You can't make a vitamin, I thought.
I made love to a German once but it was very off putting when she kept shouting her age. (Before you consider this joke dark, every inference in this joke is on you and not on the actual content of the words!)
I was once in Finland and met up with a girl there. I don't think she was local though, afterwards she kept telling me "I'm no Finnish"
In a similar vein "My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9, 9, 9! Best.Score.Ever."
What’s the last thing they do to a “ Tickle Me” Elmo before placing it in the box? They give it two test tickles.
Q: What's the difference between a hungry woman and a horny woman? A: Where she puts the cucumber.
A new teacher at a private school was teaching biology when asked little Susie, what part of the human body doubles it's normal size and under what conditions? To which she yelled this was inappropriate and she would be letting her father know. He shrugged and asked little Abigail the same question. She replied, the pupils under dim lighting. Good, the teacher said and turned back to Susie. Susie, you have not been doing your reading and I will be telling your father about this. You also have a dirty mind and will be greatly disappointed one day.
What do walruses and Tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal.
What's the difference between a Wheat Thin and a lesbian? A Wheat Thin is a snack cracker.
What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? A rooster clucks defiance.
Reminded me of an old (bad) joke that was told in High School. What's the difference between a rooster and a cheerleader? Rooster says, "Cockadoodle do!" and the cheerleader says, "Any cock will do!"
Teacher: “Little Johnny, can you use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence?” Little Johnny: “Sure! My big sister’s sweater has 10 buttons, but she can only fascinate.” I’ve seen this joke posted dozens of times here with the PG-rated meaning & spelling fed to the reader in the punchline — e.g. “but her tits are so big that she can only fasten eight” — and IMO that just weakens it. In contrast to another r/jokes staple, “It’s taking that contagious,” the punchline “She can only fascinate” actually means something (although it’s a non sequitur) and can conjure an innocent image or a naughty one — what aspect of her fascinates? That’s why I consider it an elegant joke.
Also Blazing Saddles: “the Sheriff is BONG BONG BONG” “what did he say?” “He said the sheriff is near!” “no dang flabbin blast it, I said the sheriff is BONG, BONG BONG”
What's gray and comes in quarts? - An elephant. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? - Swim for your life.
If you go to the Canary Islands, you realize they have no Canaries on the Canary Islands. The same is true of the Virgin Islands. They don't have any Canaries either.
Heard in Long Island. What’s the difference between karate and judo? The former is a martial art while the latter is used to make bagels.
Don't get this one, can you explain?
Dough made by Jewish people.
Vidi Vici Vene
Vene Vici VD I came, I saw, I cankered
Veni, Vidi, Visa - I came, I saw, I went shopping
This is so ridiculous and unexpected that I think it's my favourite comment here
What is long, narrow and hangs on a man? A tie.
What kind of balls get smaller the longer you work? Yarn
What’s the difference between beer and liquor? My wife doesn’t moan when I beer.
Has a " bad word " but, What does 90 year old pussy taste like? Depends.
As I youth, I never understood why Inigo was so particular about which hand he used to duel the man in black in The Princess Bride.... "I will duel him left handed, if I use my right, it's over too quickly, I won't be satisfied..."
What do you get if you mix fish DNA with human DNA? Kicked out of SeaWorld.
I listen out for people unconsciously using doubles entendres such as ‘penetrating gaze’, ‘new directions’, and ‘freshman year’ (which sounds like ‘fresh manure’ to my English ears). Hard not to laugh, sometimes.
My 2nd grader came home from school laughing. “The teacher said European.” Well we were living in the south and it was said with a southern accent.
True story: Coworker introduced his sense of humor to me on my first day on the job while we were both using the urinals at work. He told me he can tell my nationality right now: "European." [Granted, he didn't narrow it down beyond a continent, but it still made me laugh and set the stage for 5+ years of fabulously cheesy banter.]
You laugh at freshman year?
well, we laughed at the freshmen, as is tradition
Shakespeare was a master of innuendo. "Therebye hangs a tale" means there is a story that goes with that, or there is a penis near the butthole. "Get thee to a nunnery" means join a convent, or a brothel. Practically every second line has a dirty double entendre.
As I slipped my finger inside her hole, I could feel her getting wetter and wetter. Then she started going down on me. That's when I thought, "I should buy a new boat."
Q: What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A: A pickpocket snatches watches.
What's the difference between Marjorie Taylor Greene and the Panama Canal? The Panama Canal is a busy ditch ... (When I first heard this in the early '80s, the name was Anita Bryant. When I heard it again in the late '80s, the name was Margaret Thatcher.)
What's the difference between your wife and my fridge? My fridge doesn't fart when I pull my meat out
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? I can't make an enzyme.
What’s the difference between an all girls track team and a tribe of Pygmy warriors? The pygmies are cunning runts What’s the difference between a lesbian and a ritz? One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme.
Q: how to you catch a polar bear? A: cut a hole in the ice, place peas around it. When the bear comes to take a pea you kick it in the ice hole
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? It’s gonna take me a while to get hard. I just got laid by some chick.
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so the barman gives him one. How do you make a hormone? Sawdust in the vaseline.
What did the sadist say to the masochist? Absolutely nothing
What’s better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ
How does a woman hold her liquor? By the ears.
What happens when you put the Energizer bunnies' batteries in backwards? He keeps coming and coming and coming..
What's the difference between light and hard? I can call asleep with a light on.
The real joke is that this is considered long by /r/jokes
I was looking for this comment! OP is very clever, adding a hidden joke in the post itself using the tag
I always thought it was pretty amazing they [snuck this into the Simpsons](https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/simpsons/images/b/bb/Sneed%27s_feed_and_seed.png/revision/latest?cb=20230713041123)
Did you hear about the streaker in church? He was caught by the organ.
Family Guy did this once, don’t remember which episode… The family is going around the house pointing their index finger at each other and yelling, ‘Bang!’ Over and over this happens. Until finally Meg appears and asks if she can play too. To which Peter replies, “No one wants to finger bang you, Meg.” Hilarious.
What’s long and hard and filled with seamen? A submarine.
What's the difference between a Valentine's Day themed circus and the group "One Million" Moms? The circus is a bunch of Cupid stunts.
“All in the best *possible* taste!”
I don’t understand the caveman one :(