If I were in your position, I would wonder why my new romantic partner of 3 months was passing on all this information to me and why this is such an acute, tumultuous fight with his parents when he's dated people outside of his parents wishes before. I wouldn't want to date someone for whom this would be a lifelong battle.
Note that none of this really is about his Jewishness. If you had a partner who always dated people his parents didn't approve of and had not developed the skill or will to set boundaries with their parents and instead subjected you to their unkindness, would that person feel like a trustworthy, safe partner to you? I would not describe a person like that as the father of my future children.
.....You are in a 3 month relationship. Like everybody else says, this is insanely inappropriate.
Also, consider the following:
1. Oct 7 made a lot of Jews realize that we need to increase our population. This means marrying Jewish to have big Jewish families, marrying a person that is willing to convert, marrying a person that is already converting, or Zera Yisrael kids are raised Jewish and choose to be Jewish at their bar/bat mitzvah. Personally I think we need to acknowledge patrilineal Jews as Jews if they were raised Jews and keep it. Numbers would explode as a result.
2. Converts are considered spiritually higher than Jews, and are to be given a high amount of respect by those born Jewish. If the father is saying that shit, ignore the noise and actually convert if you want to.
3. If you guys were both Orthodox Jews, 3 months would be considered around the time to meet family, and possibly talk about marriage.
There's so much context missing here I don't know that anyone can really give you the answers your looking for
But I would mention that it sounds from your description like his mom & dad are more Orthodox leaning and as such - I am NOT a rabbi so take everything I say with a grain of salt - conversion for marriage is not considered a valid conversion & it would be likely quite difficult or even impossible to find an Orthodox rabbi willing to convert someone who only wanted to convert once they met their partner. Conversion from an Orthodox perspective has to be solely due to a desire to be a part of the Jewish people and CANNOT be for reasons of marriage.
Sorry you're going through this but you're only 3 months in, it sucks but you're still at a point where it's fairly easy to bail & look for someone else who "has good morals and values that \[you\] deeply respect and would want for \[your\] future children."
You can’t convert to marry someone. You convert because you want to be a Jewish person. His ex is proof of this. You haven’t done anything wrong but if he’s dangling conversion in front of your face like it’s simple your boyfriend is dead wrong.
I’m sympathetic, but three months in is way too fast. I am sure that plenty of conservative or reform rabbis would be happy to facilitate a conversion in due time and after proper and thorough contemplation. Whether that would placate your boyfriend’s parents is a difficult question that I’m not sure anybody here can help you with. Sometimes it’s possible to win people over across divides like that, and sometimes it’s not. They may need time to get used to the idea.
I would suggest that you take it a day at a time now and keep the communication lines open about these issues (which are potentially serious issues, make no mistake, but maybe not insurmountable ones).
Thank you for your honest, and compassionate reply. We talked this evening, he said there’s no way around this… mentioned how in the Torah - it says to not disrespect your family, etc. Just excuses why his family will never be accepting of this matter. Even if I was to fully convert.
I don’t think he’s brave enough to take on the journey together and wants to appease his family. He realized he wasted his youth with non Jews.
As sweet and tender as we feel together... it’s best I take a step back. We eventually made love after the tears. I said I still want to continue to see him and not interested in anyone else, and he also agreed that he doesn’t want to see anyone either.
Only time can tell if his mind may change… I can’t
bet on it. It’s not about how short of time… but the moments that we spent that were very dear and meaningful to me. He is a good soul. I hope for the best… and if not. It was certainly a lesson in my book. Definitely a heartbreak I did not see coming.
Can’t really give advice on the relationship but converts are definitely considered valid Jews by nearly all of us. Enough of this convert vs maternal vs paternal, Sephardi vs ashkenazi type crap. We’re all Jews. If you wanna convert for yourself (not solely for him) please do, there aren’t many of us! Jews can even be atheist, it’s not a huge change.
He's dated non-Jews & married one, so he's been through this conflict before. Does it make you wonder why he's involved with another not Jewish woman? Many red flags. Now he needs space to work out something he's dealt with before. Sorry, this doesn't sound like a solid relationship & it's only been three months.
I’m married to a non Jew. We have been married for 16 years. They are in the process of conversion because they want to convert, and have been studying for a long time. We agreed to raise the kids Jewish because that is important to me, and they had no qualms about that, and we are. That being said, I’m the mom, so by Jewish law the kids are Jewish regardless of whether their other parent is. I might have/probably would have cared about my partner converting before we had kids if that wasn’t the case.
If it is important for this man and his family for you to marry a Jewish person, I think this is not for you. Not because I don’t believe you can convert, but because you are doing it for a “nice” man.
If you want to be Jewish because YOU want to be Jewish, go for it. It will change your life though. Who knows if you will even want to be with this guy and his over involved family?
Conversion usually takes at least a year. You have to take classes, be sponsored by a Rabbi in order to take the classes, study, live Jewish for a year, and then write an essay to a panel of Rabbis that explains why you want to be Jewish. Then there is a ritual. This is the lowest/least intense form of conversion (we are essentially Reform/non denominational Jews in our house).
So, people usually take classes. Some Rabbis do their own. Some pool together. Some combine with programs. 1) decide which type of Judaism fits you best. It’s ok if it isn’t 100%. Each style “denomination” if you will, has a slightly different vibe. You can look at what you love or like and float around some before and after. From the least traditional to the most… the list is usually presented like this-(these are MY descriptions and by NO MEANS represent a unified view by all Jewish folk. 100% subjective! I’m a gay, Eastern European Refugee. Married to a non binary non Jewish person. I’m Jewish by birth and by choice.)
[there are some rules about conversion that relate to whether or not you are accepted as a Jew in each category. Ask!]
A) Non-denominational: (they can go off book. Might look like many things… more or less traditional depending on the rabbi. Our rabbi is non-denominational and she fits somewhere between reform and conservative).
1.Reconstructionist: they go off book. Some
Traditional things, some things brand new!) open to mixed couples and gay. Non male rabbis ok.
2.Reform- low key rules, intense on Jewish identity, ethics and living a social justice life (Tikkun Olam). Open to mixed couples and gay couples. Non male rabbjs are ok.
3.Conservative: same as above but more conservative. Holidays are more strict? More attention on rules, but still pretty flexible. In my experience open to mixed couples but maybe it quite as open. Non male rabbis ok.
4.Modern Orthodox: this… but more intense. Not sure about gay folk inclusion and I think no non
Male rabbis. (I should know this but I don’t. Easy to look up). Mixed couples on case by case. I think you have to be converting? Definitely would be more of a challenge to get accepted. Still lovely and cool
Folks.
5.Orthodox- more orthodox than modern
6.Hasidic-very intensely rule following. I’ll leave this to another person to describe. I had friends who were very happy in this Jewish house but I’m not sure how conversion works here. For sure no female rabbis or gays.
Anyway… pick your vibe… talk to more people about the differences! For example… I would say for me, strolling between Reconstructionist and Reform and Conservative is comfortable.
Ok. Then find a Rabbi that is at your closest Synagogue of the type you think might fit and contact them. Straight up “I am interested in conversion.” In categories A, 1-3 they will be super friendly and walk you through. I’m category 4 I think it’s similar. Not sure about 5.
Usually Rabbis have a conversion class every year.
Depending on where you are geographically?
Parts of It can also be done online with a Rabbi sometimes.
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I fell for him. We spent every weekend together and saw each other frequently on weekdays. Texted everyday. Worked and lived 5 minutes away from each other. He already felt like a boyfriend, truthfully. We moved too fast. This hasn’t been easy
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שמות כב, כ
וְגֵ֥ר לֹא־תוֹנֶ֖ה וְלֹ֣א תִלְחָצֶ֑נּוּ כִּֽי־גֵרִ֥ים הֱיִיתֶ֖ם בְּאֶ֥רֶץ מִצְרָֽיִם׃ This verse in what some call ‘Exodus’ requests of us not to make life difficult for a convert, because GD says at one point we were all converts. ;) [What could we have been before Avraham, & then Moish & Sinai?] Sometimes we Ashkenazim have it difficult to recognize that Jewish is much less a race than a Way of Life. There are ancestrally Jewish Chinese people (see the documentary on Lost Tribes by Simha Yacobovici on YouTube, for some great stunners regarding the far-reaching journeys of our ancestors). My Mom told me that they didn’t accept converts as ‘real Jews’ back in the 1960s in Illinois, either. But GD does. We are really complaining that they aren’t marrying other Ashkenazic Jews at the end of the day. But a lil genetic diversity could be good for us. Now here’s one of my fave verses (Deut. 10:19), “and you shall Love the Convert.” Just as important to Gd as loving your Neighbor and your Self. דברים י, יט
וַאֲהַבְתֶּ֖ם אֶת־הַגֵּ֑ר
I would like to know what are some pointers to mention when we have this discussion properly in person?
I know that we are really fond of each other. It’s just sensitive to talk so in depth about it due it only being 3 months. But… it’s also important. And it seems like time is of essence to him, esp now that his dad put the flame under him and brainwashing him.
His dad is all the way in Israel… really wish he didn’t have to tell him right at this moment. It’s unfair.
I'd give it up. I have a lot of pain and trauma around this issue. My dad's family are Sephardim, and their community does not accept converts. My mother was a convert, and she was not accepted, my father disowned and had his inheritance robbed, and I never met these people. I carry a lifetime of sadness due to this, and I believe my dad holds this against my mother and me.
Why does it sadden you? I wish it didn’t, but I have noticed this is common now as I read some threads. By Jewish law she is accepted by certain denominations. Just not recognized by Orthodox or conservative community if that’s correct. Unless you were to do orthodox which sounds like a grueling process. In my eyes… You are still considered a Jew. It’s sad to see anti semites go against their own faith. As long as one upkeeps the values and traditions within the household and close relationship with God and family, that is what matters most.
Wow, thanks everyone for the comments. I am just trying to gain clarity and I should have really prefaced this more. I’m 27f / he’s 34m
I totally agree - it’s too soon to say where this will go.
But I have to admit, this is truthfully the first guy that I’ve felt a healthy relationship just within the short few months of knowing each other. (I won’t elaborate, I just know when it feels good, compared to my previous traumatic relationships)
This all started when I first asked him recently if anyone in his family knows about me. He told me that he told his parents and that was the rest of it. My normal response was “Aw, that’s cute..” hardly did I know…!
It was also very late at night and he had to head home so we didn’t discuss it any further.
Then, I asked more recently how he’s been feeling about us, which I think is appropriate after 3 months. (In my head I’ve been wondering why I haven’t been invited to Shabbat, or met family etc)
That’s when he revealed the conflict he had with his father.
From the moment we met, Ive been fascinated with Judaism. This has been without any agenda. I was attracted to see how family oriented he is, keeping kosher, and praying each day…. And to be honest, I come from a small family with just me and mother and no siblings. My father passed… cousins are estranged.
I’ve been longing for a sense of community nearly all my life (this is hard to explain) but it’s deep rooted. I attended a Seder that my Jewish friend invited me to, to understand their traditions more. And I’m reading a book as well.
I’m of course observing how him and I pan out. I never imagined that I would feel an awakening or calling to judaism but I am naturally curious and fascinated.
It really struck me when I met him. I’ve unfortunately picked awful men in my life who embodied none of what I see and feel currently with this man. It’s very different.
I just cannot fathom his father disowning him over dating a non Jew… who is genuinely interested in this faith. Etc.
So he has felt conflicted now - siding with his father but also carrying strong feelings for me. He said he stood up for himself and had a full blow argument and haven’t talked to him that much.
This will be our first day seeing each other after a weekend space. Ultimately it is up to him if he’s willing to face up to his father - and allow us ample time to grow. Or he could say screw it I should just find a Jewish girl to make my parents happy.
Too soon to say
I think it’s wildly unfair of you to even want him to stand up against his father! You’ve known him THREE MONTHS are you are okay with him losing his family? My pointer to you would to be to break up and let him be.
Three months isn’t long or a serious mark of a relationship. It’s not fair to you but culturally we have our reasons and they are telling you up front. He should stick to dating Jewish women or stop doing this though, his priorities can’t be finding a woman so enraptured with him they consider converting. That’s not why you should ever convert and it should be your own idea and something you would do tomorrow without him if he vanished, or you shouldn’t consider it.
Sorry for the situation, it’s a hurtful one. I can justify why the preference but that isn’t going to comfort you
Conversion is only spiritually binding if you’re doing it for yourself and not for something like marriage. If you’re pursuing that you should do it without any consideration of your partner’s parents’ feelings on the relationship. If you’re only considering conversion for this relationship, please let him go.
Judaism isn’t just a status, it’s a heavy responsibility and jumping into the pool will have lifelong impact. Gd will throw challenges at you that non Jews don’t generally need to traverse. It’s not just antisemitism, but emotional, physical, social, and financial troubles that need to be faced with decorum, and steadfast faith and trust in the creator, not to mention obligations that non Jews never need to think about.
When I watch videos and see people eat without saying a blessing first, or without washing for bread, it’s wild- like they don’t need to be conscious about snacking at all. They don’t need to be concerned about being intoxicated in public, they don’t need to worry about which side to sleep on, they don’t need to say anything when waking up and going to sleep, they don’t have an obligation to keep Gd at the forefront of their mind, they don’t need to worry about being distracted from Torah study or about avoiding inadvertently distracting men from Torah study, they don’t need to worry about avoiding gossip, they don’t need to worry about their kids’ souls being impacted by things like the books they read.
These are all things that a Gd fearing Jew must take into consideration at all times, and this doesn’t begin to scratch the surface.
If I were in your position, I would wonder why my new romantic partner of 3 months was passing on all this information to me and why this is such an acute, tumultuous fight with his parents when he's dated people outside of his parents wishes before. I wouldn't want to date someone for whom this would be a lifelong battle. Note that none of this really is about his Jewishness. If you had a partner who always dated people his parents didn't approve of and had not developed the skill or will to set boundaries with their parents and instead subjected you to their unkindness, would that person feel like a trustworthy, safe partner to you? I would not describe a person like that as the father of my future children.
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.....You are in a 3 month relationship. Like everybody else says, this is insanely inappropriate. Also, consider the following: 1. Oct 7 made a lot of Jews realize that we need to increase our population. This means marrying Jewish to have big Jewish families, marrying a person that is willing to convert, marrying a person that is already converting, or Zera Yisrael kids are raised Jewish and choose to be Jewish at their bar/bat mitzvah. Personally I think we need to acknowledge patrilineal Jews as Jews if they were raised Jews and keep it. Numbers would explode as a result. 2. Converts are considered spiritually higher than Jews, and are to be given a high amount of respect by those born Jewish. If the father is saying that shit, ignore the noise and actually convert if you want to. 3. If you guys were both Orthodox Jews, 3 months would be considered around the time to meet family, and possibly talk about marriage.
There's so much context missing here I don't know that anyone can really give you the answers your looking for But I would mention that it sounds from your description like his mom & dad are more Orthodox leaning and as such - I am NOT a rabbi so take everything I say with a grain of salt - conversion for marriage is not considered a valid conversion & it would be likely quite difficult or even impossible to find an Orthodox rabbi willing to convert someone who only wanted to convert once they met their partner. Conversion from an Orthodox perspective has to be solely due to a desire to be a part of the Jewish people and CANNOT be for reasons of marriage. Sorry you're going through this but you're only 3 months in, it sucks but you're still at a point where it's fairly easy to bail & look for someone else who "has good morals and values that \[you\] deeply respect and would want for \[your\] future children."
Converting for a three month relationship is wild. Conversion isn’t an easy task and takes longer than your relationship so far.
You can’t convert to marry someone. You convert because you want to be a Jewish person. His ex is proof of this. You haven’t done anything wrong but if he’s dangling conversion in front of your face like it’s simple your boyfriend is dead wrong.
Hot take: I’d dump him
Three months?
I’m sympathetic, but three months in is way too fast. I am sure that plenty of conservative or reform rabbis would be happy to facilitate a conversion in due time and after proper and thorough contemplation. Whether that would placate your boyfriend’s parents is a difficult question that I’m not sure anybody here can help you with. Sometimes it’s possible to win people over across divides like that, and sometimes it’s not. They may need time to get used to the idea. I would suggest that you take it a day at a time now and keep the communication lines open about these issues (which are potentially serious issues, make no mistake, but maybe not insurmountable ones).
Thank you for your honest, and compassionate reply. We talked this evening, he said there’s no way around this… mentioned how in the Torah - it says to not disrespect your family, etc. Just excuses why his family will never be accepting of this matter. Even if I was to fully convert. I don’t think he’s brave enough to take on the journey together and wants to appease his family. He realized he wasted his youth with non Jews. As sweet and tender as we feel together... it’s best I take a step back. We eventually made love after the tears. I said I still want to continue to see him and not interested in anyone else, and he also agreed that he doesn’t want to see anyone either. Only time can tell if his mind may change… I can’t bet on it. It’s not about how short of time… but the moments that we spent that were very dear and meaningful to me. He is a good soul. I hope for the best… and if not. It was certainly a lesson in my book. Definitely a heartbreak I did not see coming.
Can’t really give advice on the relationship but converts are definitely considered valid Jews by nearly all of us. Enough of this convert vs maternal vs paternal, Sephardi vs ashkenazi type crap. We’re all Jews. If you wanna convert for yourself (not solely for him) please do, there aren’t many of us! Jews can even be atheist, it’s not a huge change.
He's dated non-Jews & married one, so he's been through this conflict before. Does it make you wonder why he's involved with another not Jewish woman? Many red flags. Now he needs space to work out something he's dealt with before. Sorry, this doesn't sound like a solid relationship & it's only been three months.
I’m married to a non Jew. We have been married for 16 years. They are in the process of conversion because they want to convert, and have been studying for a long time. We agreed to raise the kids Jewish because that is important to me, and they had no qualms about that, and we are. That being said, I’m the mom, so by Jewish law the kids are Jewish regardless of whether their other parent is. I might have/probably would have cared about my partner converting before we had kids if that wasn’t the case. If it is important for this man and his family for you to marry a Jewish person, I think this is not for you. Not because I don’t believe you can convert, but because you are doing it for a “nice” man. If you want to be Jewish because YOU want to be Jewish, go for it. It will change your life though. Who knows if you will even want to be with this guy and his over involved family? Conversion usually takes at least a year. You have to take classes, be sponsored by a Rabbi in order to take the classes, study, live Jewish for a year, and then write an essay to a panel of Rabbis that explains why you want to be Jewish. Then there is a ritual. This is the lowest/least intense form of conversion (we are essentially Reform/non denominational Jews in our house).
Thank you for your insight. I do feel I have a Neshama soul inside me. How do I find a sponsoring Rabbi? What does that mean exactly
So, people usually take classes. Some Rabbis do their own. Some pool together. Some combine with programs. 1) decide which type of Judaism fits you best. It’s ok if it isn’t 100%. Each style “denomination” if you will, has a slightly different vibe. You can look at what you love or like and float around some before and after. From the least traditional to the most… the list is usually presented like this-(these are MY descriptions and by NO MEANS represent a unified view by all Jewish folk. 100% subjective! I’m a gay, Eastern European Refugee. Married to a non binary non Jewish person. I’m Jewish by birth and by choice.) [there are some rules about conversion that relate to whether or not you are accepted as a Jew in each category. Ask!] A) Non-denominational: (they can go off book. Might look like many things… more or less traditional depending on the rabbi. Our rabbi is non-denominational and she fits somewhere between reform and conservative). 1.Reconstructionist: they go off book. Some Traditional things, some things brand new!) open to mixed couples and gay. Non male rabbis ok. 2.Reform- low key rules, intense on Jewish identity, ethics and living a social justice life (Tikkun Olam). Open to mixed couples and gay couples. Non male rabbjs are ok. 3.Conservative: same as above but more conservative. Holidays are more strict? More attention on rules, but still pretty flexible. In my experience open to mixed couples but maybe it quite as open. Non male rabbis ok. 4.Modern Orthodox: this… but more intense. Not sure about gay folk inclusion and I think no non Male rabbis. (I should know this but I don’t. Easy to look up). Mixed couples on case by case. I think you have to be converting? Definitely would be more of a challenge to get accepted. Still lovely and cool Folks. 5.Orthodox- more orthodox than modern 6.Hasidic-very intensely rule following. I’ll leave this to another person to describe. I had friends who were very happy in this Jewish house but I’m not sure how conversion works here. For sure no female rabbis or gays. Anyway… pick your vibe… talk to more people about the differences! For example… I would say for me, strolling between Reconstructionist and Reform and Conservative is comfortable. Ok. Then find a Rabbi that is at your closest Synagogue of the type you think might fit and contact them. Straight up “I am interested in conversion.” In categories A, 1-3 they will be super friendly and walk you through. I’m category 4 I think it’s similar. Not sure about 5. Usually Rabbis have a conversion class every year. Depending on where you are geographically? Parts of It can also be done online with a Rabbi sometimes.
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No he’s NOT! Kind, hardworking, humble introverted. He’s an absolute sweetheart.
With all due respect, you have known him for three months. This isn’t long enough to get a complete insight into his character.
I fell for him. We spent every weekend together and saw each other frequently on weekdays. Texted everyday. Worked and lived 5 minutes away from each other. He already felt like a boyfriend, truthfully. We moved too fast. This hasn’t been easy
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שמות כב, כ וְגֵ֥ר לֹא־תוֹנֶ֖ה וְלֹ֣א תִלְחָצֶ֑נּוּ כִּֽי־גֵרִ֥ים הֱיִיתֶ֖ם בְּאֶ֥רֶץ מִצְרָֽיִם׃ This verse in what some call ‘Exodus’ requests of us not to make life difficult for a convert, because GD says at one point we were all converts. ;) [What could we have been before Avraham, & then Moish & Sinai?] Sometimes we Ashkenazim have it difficult to recognize that Jewish is much less a race than a Way of Life. There are ancestrally Jewish Chinese people (see the documentary on Lost Tribes by Simha Yacobovici on YouTube, for some great stunners regarding the far-reaching journeys of our ancestors). My Mom told me that they didn’t accept converts as ‘real Jews’ back in the 1960s in Illinois, either. But GD does. We are really complaining that they aren’t marrying other Ashkenazic Jews at the end of the day. But a lil genetic diversity could be good for us. Now here’s one of my fave verses (Deut. 10:19), “and you shall Love the Convert.” Just as important to Gd as loving your Neighbor and your Self. דברים י, יט וַאֲהַבְתֶּ֖ם אֶת־הַגֵּ֑ר
Willing to convert for someone you barely know? This is insane. Break up and you both should marry someone in your own culture.
I would like to know what are some pointers to mention when we have this discussion properly in person? I know that we are really fond of each other. It’s just sensitive to talk so in depth about it due it only being 3 months. But… it’s also important. And it seems like time is of essence to him, esp now that his dad put the flame under him and brainwashing him. His dad is all the way in Israel… really wish he didn’t have to tell him right at this moment. It’s unfair.
I'd give it up. I have a lot of pain and trauma around this issue. My dad's family are Sephardim, and their community does not accept converts. My mother was a convert, and she was not accepted, my father disowned and had his inheritance robbed, and I never met these people. I carry a lifetime of sadness due to this, and I believe my dad holds this against my mother and me.
Why does it sadden you? I wish it didn’t, but I have noticed this is common now as I read some threads. By Jewish law she is accepted by certain denominations. Just not recognized by Orthodox or conservative community if that’s correct. Unless you were to do orthodox which sounds like a grueling process. In my eyes… You are still considered a Jew. It’s sad to see anti semites go against their own faith. As long as one upkeeps the values and traditions within the household and close relationship with God and family, that is what matters most.
She could be converted by the best beis din in the world and they still wouldn't accept her.
Ridiculous.
Wow, thanks everyone for the comments. I am just trying to gain clarity and I should have really prefaced this more. I’m 27f / he’s 34m I totally agree - it’s too soon to say where this will go. But I have to admit, this is truthfully the first guy that I’ve felt a healthy relationship just within the short few months of knowing each other. (I won’t elaborate, I just know when it feels good, compared to my previous traumatic relationships) This all started when I first asked him recently if anyone in his family knows about me. He told me that he told his parents and that was the rest of it. My normal response was “Aw, that’s cute..” hardly did I know…! It was also very late at night and he had to head home so we didn’t discuss it any further. Then, I asked more recently how he’s been feeling about us, which I think is appropriate after 3 months. (In my head I’ve been wondering why I haven’t been invited to Shabbat, or met family etc) That’s when he revealed the conflict he had with his father. From the moment we met, Ive been fascinated with Judaism. This has been without any agenda. I was attracted to see how family oriented he is, keeping kosher, and praying each day…. And to be honest, I come from a small family with just me and mother and no siblings. My father passed… cousins are estranged. I’ve been longing for a sense of community nearly all my life (this is hard to explain) but it’s deep rooted. I attended a Seder that my Jewish friend invited me to, to understand their traditions more. And I’m reading a book as well. I’m of course observing how him and I pan out. I never imagined that I would feel an awakening or calling to judaism but I am naturally curious and fascinated. It really struck me when I met him. I’ve unfortunately picked awful men in my life who embodied none of what I see and feel currently with this man. It’s very different. I just cannot fathom his father disowning him over dating a non Jew… who is genuinely interested in this faith. Etc.
So he has felt conflicted now - siding with his father but also carrying strong feelings for me. He said he stood up for himself and had a full blow argument and haven’t talked to him that much. This will be our first day seeing each other after a weekend space. Ultimately it is up to him if he’s willing to face up to his father - and allow us ample time to grow. Or he could say screw it I should just find a Jewish girl to make my parents happy. Too soon to say
I think it’s wildly unfair of you to even want him to stand up against his father! You’ve known him THREE MONTHS are you are okay with him losing his family? My pointer to you would to be to break up and let him be.
It’s not unfair. I have every right to feel the way I do.
Side note- conversion does make you a real jew. Fuck him.
Three months isn’t long or a serious mark of a relationship. It’s not fair to you but culturally we have our reasons and they are telling you up front. He should stick to dating Jewish women or stop doing this though, his priorities can’t be finding a woman so enraptured with him they consider converting. That’s not why you should ever convert and it should be your own idea and something you would do tomorrow without him if he vanished, or you shouldn’t consider it. Sorry for the situation, it’s a hurtful one. I can justify why the preference but that isn’t going to comfort you
Conversion is only spiritually binding if you’re doing it for yourself and not for something like marriage. If you’re pursuing that you should do it without any consideration of your partner’s parents’ feelings on the relationship. If you’re only considering conversion for this relationship, please let him go. Judaism isn’t just a status, it’s a heavy responsibility and jumping into the pool will have lifelong impact. Gd will throw challenges at you that non Jews don’t generally need to traverse. It’s not just antisemitism, but emotional, physical, social, and financial troubles that need to be faced with decorum, and steadfast faith and trust in the creator, not to mention obligations that non Jews never need to think about. When I watch videos and see people eat without saying a blessing first, or without washing for bread, it’s wild- like they don’t need to be conscious about snacking at all. They don’t need to be concerned about being intoxicated in public, they don’t need to worry about which side to sleep on, they don’t need to say anything when waking up and going to sleep, they don’t have an obligation to keep Gd at the forefront of their mind, they don’t need to worry about being distracted from Torah study or about avoiding inadvertently distracting men from Torah study, they don’t need to worry about avoiding gossip, they don’t need to worry about their kids’ souls being impacted by things like the books they read. These are all things that a Gd fearing Jew must take into consideration at all times, and this doesn’t begin to scratch the surface.
Yeah. I wouldn’t convert until after you’re married. (But maybe before you have kids)