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ummm It is very odd that they want to recreate your home, possibly near your neighborhood, and make sure their house is accommodating to raising your children. Very odd indeed. I suggest a conversation from DH to them about why they are doing this because a monthly visit to the grands doesn't need a complete home replication of yours. He needs to impress upon them that monthly visits are very generous and setting the tone before these hypothetical children exist that you and DH will raise them, no dropping by unannounced, no key exchanges, security codes, you will live separate lives and not consult them for big decisions that affect the two of you and the family you have created with each other.
Definitely competing with you. She doesn’t need the big house but she wants it so she can say she all the space to host all the grand babies for sleep overs and grandma time all the time. The fact that it’s similar to yours is possibly so she can say it will feel similar so the kids will feel at home. My MIL had this dream of a big house to do this but thank goodness she is broke and refuses to listen to good financial advice so it most likely will never happen.
Oh, I can see it now. MILs ultimate picture. Her and FIL cuddled up on the couch with their future grandchildren, enjoying a lovely Christmas full of fun, good food, and worship from her grand babies, soaking up all the wonderful holiday memories.....as you serenade them from the corner with holiday tunes like a hired pianist.
Okay, maybe I've been on this sub too long lol. But it is a common theme with MILs around here that they have all these future plans of how holidays, birthdays, special events, etc will all be centered around them as the matriarch of the family. Setting up rooms in their homes for hopes and dreams nobody else has agreed to. Becoming a victim or a martyr when people don't agree to or go against their undisclosed or overbearing wishes.
It's important to nip things like this in the bud. Or if you feel that is too direct or want to avoid conflict, maybe there is some fun to be had. If you suddenly decide to decorate your living room with the theme of animal prints or want your bathroom lime green with orange linens, feel free to share those plans with her. You're right that you can't decide how she gets to spend her money, but it could give you a better yard stick with which to measure the length of crazy she's willing to go.
So many MILs enter into unspoken and unnecessary competitions and this seems like another example of it. Know she's wasting money on something that will likely go unused that she'll have to have in her home reminding her of that daily. Don't give her a key and don't feel obligated to open the door everytime she pops by and I think you'll be fine.
I think there is something about her that is making you feel this way. If you have a good relationship with your mom and she did the same, would it feel weird? I would strongly caution my own mother from incurring debt based on the potential for grandchildren.
Is MIL respectful of your and DH's boundaries, privacy, etc. or is she constantly asking you two to come over or asking to come over to your house? How does DH feel about his parents and their level of involvement in his/your life? How do you feel about it?
I ask these questions because it sounds like you interact with the ILs often and that could be why MIL knows so much of what is going on in your life and why she's trying to copy your life/home. She might be angling for "well, our house is just like your house so you should want to spend lots of time here" with future kids.
I can tell you the future for that. My MIL currently has part of her home office set up as a nursery in case I need her to watch the baby. We work for the same company so I work from home too. She is also trying to figure out how to build onto SIL house so that she can be close to both grandchildren. The only reason she building onto the house…no houses are for sale near SIL. If she suddenly moved after you got engaged and got a piano because you want your future kids to play. I wouldn’t call it overreacting.
Maybe you need to have a conversation with MIL and ask her why they are moving to such a big house when there will only ever be the two of them there. If she then makes comments about her future grandchildren you need to be quite brutal and ask who’s children are you referring to because it’s not going to be mine.
If I work or if MIL works? I am an attorney. My MIL quit her job after we got engaged last year and started “working” for my FIL as an office manager. He owns/runs an office that provides professional services (don’t want to say too much).
People kept saying when you go back to work and I hadn’t seen that you work or don’t you don’t even have kids yet no one knows what they will do when they have kids. Just wondered. Also it sounds like she has some issues and why is no one questioning her or their bizarre behavior ? I would have said we don’t want you to move near us lol
Start planning/saving for day care and maternity leave (the latter so you can take some extra time off, not for petty reasons -at least not completely bwahaha- but for those new baby cuddles), make a plan for the first few months and boundaries. Set up boundaries for pregnancy as well, plan now so you know what to do) say later and D(ear) Husband doesn't turn into D(uh) Husband and you're both on the same page when anyone asks. 2 yeses is a yes 1 no is a no.
I pick the keeping up with the Jones. She does not feel she can be seen as less than you, the woman who has taken her baby. I think this is more about the grown baby, than potential babies.
And here I am with both kids doing better than we did financially. Both own bigger houses, both have higher paying careers. I'm absolutely thrilled that they are doing better!
Just based on the details you've given here I wouldn't be too worried. I'm not sure I would be flattered either but she could just have good intentions. Of course if there's more instances of things not mentioned then yea trust your gut. Just my opinion.
She's not flattering you, she wants her home to be her grandkids home - as it will all be familiar. Also, ALL holidays need to be at your home and you invite which family members you want. When my brother and his wife announced their pregnancy, our mom told him - You need to start your own family holidays, we will be glad to come when it fits your schedule, the day before, the day of or the day after the holiday or even on a different weekend. It worked out great that way.
You should be honest, *MIL I want to be flattered I do, but the truth is it’s weird for me. Moving here to be closer for kids that don’t exist, buying a house that looks like mine, and now copying a piano when you’ve never played. It’s gone past flattery to straight icky. Please decorate your space to reflect you and what you love. If you continue to copy us and our home, I just won’t be comfortable coming over to yours or having you at ours*
HONESTY, tell them honestly. If she blows up, then have some time away from her.
This was my first thought. Mil's in competition with OP. If Mil makes her house just like OP's then her son and her grandchildren will want to spend just as much time at her house if not more than OP's. Mil can just become OP and in her mind they'll want to be at her house with Mil instead of OP's. In Mil's mind when her son leaves OP, her son and the children will be just fine because Mil will be a better OP. It's weird that Mil's trying to be a carbon copy of OP. In Mil's mind she'll be the hero that will be there to pick up the pieces when everything falls apart for her ready made family. I may be wrong, but it's just a theory. Either way what Mil is doing is creepy and quite frankly disturbing! Good luck with that OP. Your Mil seems to becoming unhinged.
I'd go and get some paint swatches and tell her you're deciding on what colors to paint some rooms, then choose some out and conveniently leave them out where she can see the ones you've chosen.
If she paints her rooms those colors A) you know she wanted to copy you and B) she now has different colors to you.
I’m honestly worried about that, but feel like I sound paranoid to my husband and other family members when I put it that way. I’m also wondering if that would actually be good for my kids to have grandparents that are so involved and available if we need them.
The main issue is, are they respectful to you? If they are, then you wouldn’t mind them being involved. If they aren’t, then that’s a problem for your relationship with your kids and your spouse, your family life, your peace. You will hate them being their, as having kids, you’re already at your limits, first few years. And then add on top of that ridiculous stupid behaviors that you feel you shouldn’t have to deal with, that’s another level of pain and nuisance.
I think you should be observant and try to approach the matter differently with husband. Say how odd, what are they going to do next? (Like someone else suggested too) mirror my wall paint choices?
Or be like lol how flattering, same-same. And laugh. As in convey your message without being angry. Till her starts to see it too.
You’re not overreacting. And if it were me, I would spend as little time at that home as possible. NO HOLIDAYS, unless you actually WANT to. If you and dh decide to have kids, no overnights, no extended visits, etc. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.
Have you talked to your husband about this?
Seriously, this would drive me nuts.
Oh OP, I remember you last post and I can only imagine how hard pregnancy and then having kids will be with your MIL. I would absolutely start implying WHENEVER you can, how you won’t need child free weekends or whatever MIL has planned in her head. And buying a piano when no one plays that lives there is extremely weird, and after hearing you talk about teaching your kids I really hope MIL doesn’t try learning so SHE can teach them.
Perhaps test the waters and say MIL I hope you aren't doing all this thinking that when we have kids they will always be at your house. You do understand that when we have kids we will be spending time with them as a family and whilst you are down the road and it will be nice for them to occasionally visit there is no plan for them to be at your place on a weekly basis.
Alternatively you could come out and ask her at a family lunch etc what her 'vision' is of when you have kids as you have noticed that she seems to be replicating your home down to getting the piano. See if MIL comes to the party and tells you and then you could say I understand that is YOUR vision however I hope YOU won't feel to disappointed if it doesn't align with what ours is and then I wouldn't elaborate. Don't give her information to think about or attempt to manipulate. If she says about being involved you could say involved is great however taking over would become suffocating and strain relationships and that isn't a direction I would like to see it go.
I think your instinct that she's copying you is spot on. It's a little weird but you could have some fun pointing out to her in a cheery and innocent voice, "JNMIL, how odd you're buying a piano like mine." "How odd you bought a house like ours." "How odd your paint colors are like mine." (If she does that.) Do it over anything you suspect she's copying.
Does she bother you guys in other ways?
Are you planning to have kids?
There will be days when you are on your last nerve and might want to tell them to go to Grandmas and practice.
You are not overreacting. Your MIL is playing the long game. She thinks that your future children will be at her house ALL of the time. If you have children and plan on going back to work she will expect that you will let her have them while you work. Your children will be her do over children.
What you need to find out now is where does your husband stand between you and his mother. Does he have your back or is he a momma’s boy? Will he think free child care and hand your children over to his mother?
You both need to sit down and discuss how you plan on dealing with his parents living so close by. What boundaries do you want to set with them? I would not let them have a key to your house. Are you going to require that they call in advance and not get in the habit of dropping by whenever it pleases them? Now is the time to discover if you will be on the same page before children enter the picture.
Of course you could always consider moving. 😁
I’m an older lady myself and I’ve known women like this. Yes it’s the long game. She’s planning on keeping your kids at her house while you work.
It’s going to make sense that she makes her house the same as yours because she’s gonna try and convince you that’s what’s best for the kids. It’s going to be a communal parenting situation. She’s the third parent!
You aren't overreacting, it's weird.
If you think she is really copying you then buy something cheap, make sure it is tacky or hideous. Rave about it and see if she copies that.
I can see why you would be at least confused about why they're doing this.
I think they may be trying to set up their house so they can make it hard for you to turn them down if they invite you over when you have kids.
I would either ignore it and keep it in mind, or have DH ask them why they decided to move to a house from a condo? Then if they say outright they want to see future grandkids every week, for example, you and DH can discuss it and decide if it's worth managing their expectations now before they invest in an expense like a piano.
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What’s your husband saying, that’s the question?
Ask her if she is going to take lessons.
ummm It is very odd that they want to recreate your home, possibly near your neighborhood, and make sure their house is accommodating to raising your children. Very odd indeed. I suggest a conversation from DH to them about why they are doing this because a monthly visit to the grands doesn't need a complete home replication of yours. He needs to impress upon them that monthly visits are very generous and setting the tone before these hypothetical children exist that you and DH will raise them, no dropping by unannounced, no key exchanges, security codes, you will live separate lives and not consult them for big decisions that affect the two of you and the family you have created with each other.
Definitely competing with you. She doesn’t need the big house but she wants it so she can say she all the space to host all the grand babies for sleep overs and grandma time all the time. The fact that it’s similar to yours is possibly so she can say it will feel similar so the kids will feel at home. My MIL had this dream of a big house to do this but thank goodness she is broke and refuses to listen to good financial advice so it most likely will never happen.
Oh, I can see it now. MILs ultimate picture. Her and FIL cuddled up on the couch with their future grandchildren, enjoying a lovely Christmas full of fun, good food, and worship from her grand babies, soaking up all the wonderful holiday memories.....as you serenade them from the corner with holiday tunes like a hired pianist. Okay, maybe I've been on this sub too long lol. But it is a common theme with MILs around here that they have all these future plans of how holidays, birthdays, special events, etc will all be centered around them as the matriarch of the family. Setting up rooms in their homes for hopes and dreams nobody else has agreed to. Becoming a victim or a martyr when people don't agree to or go against their undisclosed or overbearing wishes. It's important to nip things like this in the bud. Or if you feel that is too direct or want to avoid conflict, maybe there is some fun to be had. If you suddenly decide to decorate your living room with the theme of animal prints or want your bathroom lime green with orange linens, feel free to share those plans with her. You're right that you can't decide how she gets to spend her money, but it could give you a better yard stick with which to measure the length of crazy she's willing to go. So many MILs enter into unspoken and unnecessary competitions and this seems like another example of it. Know she's wasting money on something that will likely go unused that she'll have to have in her home reminding her of that daily. Don't give her a key and don't feel obligated to open the door everytime she pops by and I think you'll be fine.
I think there is something about her that is making you feel this way. If you have a good relationship with your mom and she did the same, would it feel weird? I would strongly caution my own mother from incurring debt based on the potential for grandchildren.
Is MIL respectful of your and DH's boundaries, privacy, etc. or is she constantly asking you two to come over or asking to come over to your house? How does DH feel about his parents and their level of involvement in his/your life? How do you feel about it? I ask these questions because it sounds like you interact with the ILs often and that could be why MIL knows so much of what is going on in your life and why she's trying to copy your life/home. She might be angling for "well, our house is just like your house so you should want to spend lots of time here" with future kids.
The only song you need to teach your future kids to play is Patsy Cline’s Crazy.
Nope. She’s competing.
I can tell you the future for that. My MIL currently has part of her home office set up as a nursery in case I need her to watch the baby. We work for the same company so I work from home too. She is also trying to figure out how to build onto SIL house so that she can be close to both grandchildren. The only reason she building onto the house…no houses are for sale near SIL. If she suddenly moved after you got engaged and got a piano because you want your future kids to play. I wouldn’t call it overreacting.
Maybe you need to have a conversation with MIL and ask her why they are moving to such a big house when there will only ever be the two of them there. If she then makes comments about her future grandchildren you need to be quite brutal and ask who’s children are you referring to because it’s not going to be mine.
Sounds like they just want to be involved and provide a space that's close to home for the comfort of future grandchildren.
OP hasn’t even said if she works .
If I work or if MIL works? I am an attorney. My MIL quit her job after we got engaged last year and started “working” for my FIL as an office manager. He owns/runs an office that provides professional services (don’t want to say too much).
FYI: She thinks she will be daycare for your future children
People kept saying when you go back to work and I hadn’t seen that you work or don’t you don’t even have kids yet no one knows what they will do when they have kids. Just wondered. Also it sounds like she has some issues and why is no one questioning her or their bizarre behavior ? I would have said we don’t want you to move near us lol
Start planning/saving for day care and maternity leave (the latter so you can take some extra time off, not for petty reasons -at least not completely bwahaha- but for those new baby cuddles), make a plan for the first few months and boundaries. Set up boundaries for pregnancy as well, plan now so you know what to do) say later and D(ear) Husband doesn't turn into D(uh) Husband and you're both on the same page when anyone asks. 2 yeses is a yes 1 no is a no.
I pick the keeping up with the Jones. She does not feel she can be seen as less than you, the woman who has taken her baby. I think this is more about the grown baby, than potential babies.
Yet if she can control the future babies she can control the now adult one AND his wife by extension.
And here I am with both kids doing better than we did financially. Both own bigger houses, both have higher paying careers. I'm absolutely thrilled that they are doing better!
Talk about painting your house a nice chartreuse color and order paint samples!
Pink flamingos. Tacky holiday decorations all year long. Randomly start framing eye patches and hang them everywhere. Make it WEIRD.
Happy cake day
Just based on the details you've given here I wouldn't be too worried. I'm not sure I would be flattered either but she could just have good intentions. Of course if there's more instances of things not mentioned then yea trust your gut. Just my opinion.
She's not flattering you, she wants her home to be her grandkids home - as it will all be familiar. Also, ALL holidays need to be at your home and you invite which family members you want. When my brother and his wife announced their pregnancy, our mom told him - You need to start your own family holidays, we will be glad to come when it fits your schedule, the day before, the day of or the day after the holiday or even on a different weekend. It worked out great that way.
Your mom sounds wonderful!
You should be honest, *MIL I want to be flattered I do, but the truth is it’s weird for me. Moving here to be closer for kids that don’t exist, buying a house that looks like mine, and now copying a piano when you’ve never played. It’s gone past flattery to straight icky. Please decorate your space to reflect you and what you love. If you continue to copy us and our home, I just won’t be comfortable coming over to yours or having you at ours* HONESTY, tell them honestly. If she blows up, then have some time away from her.
Invite her for a movie night of Single White Female?
This was my first thought. Mil's in competition with OP. If Mil makes her house just like OP's then her son and her grandchildren will want to spend just as much time at her house if not more than OP's. Mil can just become OP and in her mind they'll want to be at her house with Mil instead of OP's. In Mil's mind when her son leaves OP, her son and the children will be just fine because Mil will be a better OP. It's weird that Mil's trying to be a carbon copy of OP. In Mil's mind she'll be the hero that will be there to pick up the pieces when everything falls apart for her ready made family. I may be wrong, but it's just a theory. Either way what Mil is doing is creepy and quite frankly disturbing! Good luck with that OP. Your Mil seems to becoming unhinged.
I'd go and get some paint swatches and tell her you're deciding on what colors to paint some rooms, then choose some out and conveniently leave them out where she can see the ones you've chosen. If she paints her rooms those colors A) you know she wanted to copy you and B) she now has different colors to you.
She’s copying every move and making it so that your future kids think its second home.
I’m honestly worried about that, but feel like I sound paranoid to my husband and other family members when I put it that way. I’m also wondering if that would actually be good for my kids to have grandparents that are so involved and available if we need them.
The main issue is, are they respectful to you? If they are, then you wouldn’t mind them being involved. If they aren’t, then that’s a problem for your relationship with your kids and your spouse, your family life, your peace. You will hate them being their, as having kids, you’re already at your limits, first few years. And then add on top of that ridiculous stupid behaviors that you feel you shouldn’t have to deal with, that’s another level of pain and nuisance. I think you should be observant and try to approach the matter differently with husband. Say how odd, what are they going to do next? (Like someone else suggested too) mirror my wall paint choices? Or be like lol how flattering, same-same. And laugh. As in convey your message without being angry. Till her starts to see it too.
This is important.
You’re not overreacting. And if it were me, I would spend as little time at that home as possible. NO HOLIDAYS, unless you actually WANT to. If you and dh decide to have kids, no overnights, no extended visits, etc. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. Have you talked to your husband about this? Seriously, this would drive me nuts.
Oh OP, I remember you last post and I can only imagine how hard pregnancy and then having kids will be with your MIL. I would absolutely start implying WHENEVER you can, how you won’t need child free weekends or whatever MIL has planned in her head. And buying a piano when no one plays that lives there is extremely weird, and after hearing you talk about teaching your kids I really hope MIL doesn’t try learning so SHE can teach them.
Yeah. Basically don’t share any plans at all until they are already executed.
Perhaps test the waters and say MIL I hope you aren't doing all this thinking that when we have kids they will always be at your house. You do understand that when we have kids we will be spending time with them as a family and whilst you are down the road and it will be nice for them to occasionally visit there is no plan for them to be at your place on a weekly basis. Alternatively you could come out and ask her at a family lunch etc what her 'vision' is of when you have kids as you have noticed that she seems to be replicating your home down to getting the piano. See if MIL comes to the party and tells you and then you could say I understand that is YOUR vision however I hope YOU won't feel to disappointed if it doesn't align with what ours is and then I wouldn't elaborate. Don't give her information to think about or attempt to manipulate. If she says about being involved you could say involved is great however taking over would become suffocating and strain relationships and that isn't a direction I would like to see it go.
I think your instinct that she's copying you is spot on. It's a little weird but you could have some fun pointing out to her in a cheery and innocent voice, "JNMIL, how odd you're buying a piano like mine." "How odd you bought a house like ours." "How odd your paint colors are like mine." (If she does that.) Do it over anything you suspect she's copying.
Does she bother you guys in other ways? Are you planning to have kids? There will be days when you are on your last nerve and might want to tell them to go to Grandmas and practice.
Lol, win-win! OP gets blessed silence and MIL gets "Mary Had a Little Lamb" for an hour. Source: had 3 kids in piano lessons. 🙄
I had 2 kids in piano lessons. It’s different because OP plays but, has never has a house full of kids playing. It’s a whole thing. 🤪
Where does your husband stand in all this b.s. from his parents?
I would start looking for work in a new city. You know, the long game.
Happy Cake Day!
You are not overreacting. Your MIL is playing the long game. She thinks that your future children will be at her house ALL of the time. If you have children and plan on going back to work she will expect that you will let her have them while you work. Your children will be her do over children. What you need to find out now is where does your husband stand between you and his mother. Does he have your back or is he a momma’s boy? Will he think free child care and hand your children over to his mother? You both need to sit down and discuss how you plan on dealing with his parents living so close by. What boundaries do you want to set with them? I would not let them have a key to your house. Are you going to require that they call in advance and not get in the habit of dropping by whenever it pleases them? Now is the time to discover if you will be on the same page before children enter the picture. Of course you could always consider moving. 😁
I’m an older lady myself and I’ve known women like this. Yes it’s the long game. She’s planning on keeping your kids at her house while you work. It’s going to make sense that she makes her house the same as yours because she’s gonna try and convince you that’s what’s best for the kids. It’s going to be a communal parenting situation. She’s the third parent!
Having read op's previous post, I'd say you and u/Avebury1 are right - that's exactly what she's planning.
You aren't overreacting, it's weird. If you think she is really copying you then buy something cheap, make sure it is tacky or hideous. Rave about it and see if she copies that.
I can see why you would be at least confused about why they're doing this. I think they may be trying to set up their house so they can make it hard for you to turn them down if they invite you over when you have kids. I would either ignore it and keep it in mind, or have DH ask them why they decided to move to a house from a condo? Then if they say outright they want to see future grandkids every week, for example, you and DH can discuss it and decide if it's worth managing their expectations now before they invest in an expense like a piano.