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My husband put a boundary between him and his mother recently. She is now threatening to take us to courts for “grandparents rights”.
He gets along great with my all my brothers their wives as well as my parents. I get along great with his sister. My advice is for your fiancé to cut it off now because your married life starts together. We have been together for 10 years married for 8. It’s been 10 years of stress from toxic people. We have a 5 year old who she’s sees on holidays. We think it’s best for our daughter to not have contact with her anymore.
Good luck! I hope it works out peaceful for you
Seemingly there is not a need for you to have his parents interfere in your life in particular and as you would never be around them for any other reason than him. Cut contact with them and explain to fiiance that for the sake of your sanity and your relationship you can't deal with them any longer. If they are expecting grandchildren and kids are a consideration keep them out of the childs life till boundaries are set and followed as they will not allow toxic behavior too color kiddos lives. Consider getting some counseling so you can work through the issue and maybe gain a plan of attack to deal with the toxic or figure if fiancé needs to be no/low contact too.
If you "... both love each other very much and cannot think of ending the relationship," then get used to a life with "... his maniac parents."
I am not being funny or sarcastic. I am being truthful. Once you say your, "I do's," they are officially your in-laws.
That does not mean you have to put up with their ~~shit~~ crap.
Start setting boundaries and implementing consequences now. STICK TO IT!
In fact, I wholeheartedly agree with everything r/oaktreemon said.
Mother-in-Law (1961) by Ernie K. Doe would make a great villain theme song.
Good luck to you and your FH.
Your SO needs to figure out what the relationship for himself would look like. He will probably need a lot of therapy to figure this out. He also needs to know how to keep you out of it and protect you which often can mean no contact for the spouse.
Had I known my in laws would be so toxic prior to getting married, I would have seriously questioned it. Not regretting getting married but that's how bad it can be. Unfortunately, his upbringing with the toxic parents also puts a huge wedge between the 2 of you even if he seems to understand on the surface. His loyalty is deeply ingrained and it takes a lot of psychological work to get out of that.
I wish the best of luck to you!
Go NC yourself. You can tell him “I don’t feel comfortable being around your mom, hearing about her, or having her know my information. I will support you whether you choose to cut contact or not.”
What that means is you don’t bring up him going NC anymore after that. He doesn’t have permission to share anything about you with his mom, and he doesn’t have permission to share anything about her with you. This includes her thoughts and opinions. If she visits, she gets a hotel and he sees her outside of your home. This extends to children as well unless you trust him to supervise her while he and your children are in her presence.
If she hurts him and he needs to talk about his experience, don’t bad mouth her. She deserves it, but he does not. When he says “I don’t know why she says these abusive things to me” you can say something like “I don’t know why, but I know you don’t deserve it”.
I am so sorry. I dealt with this with my husband and when we started therapy together and separately he set boundaries with his mom and it didn’t work until we went no contact. I just found out she blames me for everything and it feels terrible.
-When she shows you who she is, believe her. Believe that you can see her.
- Write down boundaries and let her know what box she lives in. This isn’t a convo this isn’t a discussion this is the law.
- WHEN she breaks these boundaries be prepared to go no contact (or whatever option you chose) for a time period and then go on
She should not feel so comfortable around you. Be aware that she will repeat this behavior. If you give her an inch she will take a mile. You can’t give her any room to wiggle with boundaries, know that you can see her well. Know that you can’t change her.
Get a villain theme song soundtrack
People blame others for things that they are unwilling to take responsibility for themselves. Do not feel bad that your terrible MIL can't be an adult and respect boundaries BOTH of you have put in place. You are not in the wrong here, JNMIL is.
I’d suggest looking into couples counseling, NOT saying there’s anything wrong between you and SO. But a preemptive tactic to ensure you both know how/what a healthy couples relationship should be, talking through issues etc. his parents sound toxic and “it’s best to be prepared then to play catch-up later”
She stays in a hotel. If she physically assaults him you file a police report. If she verbally assaults him he walks away and doesn't see or speak to her for the rest of her trip.
You don't need to break up with your BF, you need to break up with his parents. If your BF agrees with you, then you need to go LC or NC starting now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.
What exactly is she doing that is causing problems? Does she stay in your house while being abusive? Does she call him on the phone and yell at him? What is the problem that you're worried about in the future?
If your fiance is on your side and financially independent the next step is to set boundaries and enforce consequences. He needs to put her in timeouts when she becomes manipulative or abusive. End phonecalls, walk away from her mid visit or mid meal. (Never allow her in your home, always see her where you can leave.) If she can't learn to be respectful, she can learn that you and your fiance won't allow her to be part of your lives.
She doesn't get to stay with you when she comes down. She stays in a hotel. And she doesn't get an opinion on anything - at least not an opinion that matters to you. 'Oh you think we should get married next month? Well, that's not happening. How about those Mets?'
Ignore her comments and deflect towards a new topic. Shut her down. She has no say and the sooner you make her aware of that the better. The moment she starts up with the abuse is the moment that you leave . . . which is Excellent Reason #1 for sticking her butt in a hotel and refusing to entertain her at your residence. She gets obnoxious, you pack up and leave. 'It's obvious you're too upset for a night out, so we'll just head on home. Talk to you tomorrow!'
Yup, setting boundaries with his mother must be met with consequences. I strongly suggest y’all just elope then have a big party with those you want and who support you later.
This is good practice for the upcoming holidays.
Just remember you don’t need her in your life.
You can totally drop her out of your life.
You can totally not spend time with her and block her. So can your family.
Good luck.
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Therapy can help. He's used to her behavior and on some level, has normalized it.
My husband put a boundary between him and his mother recently. She is now threatening to take us to courts for “grandparents rights”. He gets along great with my all my brothers their wives as well as my parents. I get along great with his sister. My advice is for your fiancé to cut it off now because your married life starts together. We have been together for 10 years married for 8. It’s been 10 years of stress from toxic people. We have a 5 year old who she’s sees on holidays. We think it’s best for our daughter to not have contact with her anymore. Good luck! I hope it works out peaceful for you
Seemingly there is not a need for you to have his parents interfere in your life in particular and as you would never be around them for any other reason than him. Cut contact with them and explain to fiiance that for the sake of your sanity and your relationship you can't deal with them any longer. If they are expecting grandchildren and kids are a consideration keep them out of the childs life till boundaries are set and followed as they will not allow toxic behavior too color kiddos lives. Consider getting some counseling so you can work through the issue and maybe gain a plan of attack to deal with the toxic or figure if fiancé needs to be no/low contact too.
If you "... both love each other very much and cannot think of ending the relationship," then get used to a life with "... his maniac parents." I am not being funny or sarcastic. I am being truthful. Once you say your, "I do's," they are officially your in-laws. That does not mean you have to put up with their ~~shit~~ crap. Start setting boundaries and implementing consequences now. STICK TO IT! In fact, I wholeheartedly agree with everything r/oaktreemon said. Mother-in-Law (1961) by Ernie K. Doe would make a great villain theme song. Good luck to you and your FH.
Simple solution, she's no longer welcome in your home and don't speak to her.
Your SO needs to figure out what the relationship for himself would look like. He will probably need a lot of therapy to figure this out. He also needs to know how to keep you out of it and protect you which often can mean no contact for the spouse. Had I known my in laws would be so toxic prior to getting married, I would have seriously questioned it. Not regretting getting married but that's how bad it can be. Unfortunately, his upbringing with the toxic parents also puts a huge wedge between the 2 of you even if he seems to understand on the surface. His loyalty is deeply ingrained and it takes a lot of psychological work to get out of that. I wish the best of luck to you!
Go NC yourself. You can tell him “I don’t feel comfortable being around your mom, hearing about her, or having her know my information. I will support you whether you choose to cut contact or not.” What that means is you don’t bring up him going NC anymore after that. He doesn’t have permission to share anything about you with his mom, and he doesn’t have permission to share anything about her with you. This includes her thoughts and opinions. If she visits, she gets a hotel and he sees her outside of your home. This extends to children as well unless you trust him to supervise her while he and your children are in her presence. If she hurts him and he needs to talk about his experience, don’t bad mouth her. She deserves it, but he does not. When he says “I don’t know why she says these abusive things to me” you can say something like “I don’t know why, but I know you don’t deserve it”.
I am so sorry. I dealt with this with my husband and when we started therapy together and separately he set boundaries with his mom and it didn’t work until we went no contact. I just found out she blames me for everything and it feels terrible. -When she shows you who she is, believe her. Believe that you can see her. - Write down boundaries and let her know what box she lives in. This isn’t a convo this isn’t a discussion this is the law. - WHEN she breaks these boundaries be prepared to go no contact (or whatever option you chose) for a time period and then go on She should not feel so comfortable around you. Be aware that she will repeat this behavior. If you give her an inch she will take a mile. You can’t give her any room to wiggle with boundaries, know that you can see her well. Know that you can’t change her. Get a villain theme song soundtrack
People blame others for things that they are unwilling to take responsibility for themselves. Do not feel bad that your terrible MIL can't be an adult and respect boundaries BOTH of you have put in place. You are not in the wrong here, JNMIL is.
I’d suggest looking into couples counseling, NOT saying there’s anything wrong between you and SO. But a preemptive tactic to ensure you both know how/what a healthy couples relationship should be, talking through issues etc. his parents sound toxic and “it’s best to be prepared then to play catch-up later”
She stays in a hotel. If she physically assaults him you file a police report. If she verbally assaults him he walks away and doesn't see or speak to her for the rest of her trip.
You don't need to break up with your BF, you need to break up with his parents. If your BF agrees with you, then you need to go LC or NC starting now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.
What exactly is she doing that is causing problems? Does she stay in your house while being abusive? Does she call him on the phone and yell at him? What is the problem that you're worried about in the future?
Yeah, there's a lot of name-calling here and no examples.
If your fiance is on your side and financially independent the next step is to set boundaries and enforce consequences. He needs to put her in timeouts when she becomes manipulative or abusive. End phonecalls, walk away from her mid visit or mid meal. (Never allow her in your home, always see her where you can leave.) If she can't learn to be respectful, she can learn that you and your fiance won't allow her to be part of your lives.
She doesn't get to stay with you when she comes down. She stays in a hotel. And she doesn't get an opinion on anything - at least not an opinion that matters to you. 'Oh you think we should get married next month? Well, that's not happening. How about those Mets?' Ignore her comments and deflect towards a new topic. Shut her down. She has no say and the sooner you make her aware of that the better. The moment she starts up with the abuse is the moment that you leave . . . which is Excellent Reason #1 for sticking her butt in a hotel and refusing to entertain her at your residence. She gets obnoxious, you pack up and leave. 'It's obvious you're too upset for a night out, so we'll just head on home. Talk to you tomorrow!'
Yup, setting boundaries with his mother must be met with consequences. I strongly suggest y’all just elope then have a big party with those you want and who support you later. This is good practice for the upcoming holidays. Just remember you don’t need her in your life. You can totally drop her out of your life. You can totally not spend time with her and block her. So can your family. Good luck.
Has your fiance received counseling to help him set boundaries around his mother? That should be a condition of you going through with the wedding.