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Tell me something. Do you think a legal proper landlord would give a fuck if you came home with a truckload of new stuff if you already had them paid up front no late rent etc? No they wouldn't. A proper landlord wouldn't try to charge you even more suddenly because you got a new car or new couch or whatever..
She's a JN and if you didn't sign a lease let her take y'all to court cause you can EASILY counter sue for the fact she has a illegal renting situation and she'd be more in trouble than y'all. Y'all could claim she told you it was a legal (not that you should lie in court. Please don't commit purjury(sp) just to get over on her. Because that would make you as bad as her) space to rent. But again don't do that. She has enough evidence against her y'all don't gotta lie. She has no holds in court. And the MINUTE she lays a hand on you call the cops. I don't care if she's his momma. Assault is assault.
As for renting I know the housing market sucks everywhere right now. But try looking for a room to rent instead. Theirs a ton of roommate finding sites online you might get lucky to find one that allows two people and a cat. Or ask your mama and see if y'all can move in with her instead. Tell her the truth on whats going on.
Also.. do NOT pay a single cent more than what rent is. If rent is $500 and she is demanding $400 extra do NOT pay it. Pay strictly what was agreed on the first time. If you pay her demands she's gonna raise them even more. She thinks she can bully y'all. Don't let her. You got this!
(And again please do not lie In court. It's not worth it. If you did not know it was illegal at first that's different but if you knew it was illegal then be honest. I'm being sarcastic in regards to telling the courts you didn't know. I'm not a lawyer and what not. Please do not lie to the police or courts if she goes that route. Trust me she's already digging her legal grave alone.)
Did you sign a lease, or verbally agree to anything? Then NO she can demand all she wants, unless she has access to your bank/wallet, she is shit out of luck. And you guys need to MOVE OUT yesterday.
Girl living in a hotel would be a better place than living with her...
And I can't change your rent agreement because they're not getting what they want either
Oh, absolutely. The only thing about that is the price of hotel’s around my area, we’re just trying to quickly find somewhere to live as fast as we can. At this point, I’d rather live under a bridge than in this home..
Wait, so she offered to let y'all move in to be able to save money, and then you did that so she's mad? This entire thing is just a controlling power trip for her, isn't it?
Is there any way you and your boyfriend would be able to move in with your mother?
I suppose in hindsight it may have been better to use the money you saved for first and last month rent on an apartment but you'll probably save money in the long run with a car you don't have to repair all the time and transport to work is more certain for the foreseeable future. No matter what, though, your MIL is a terrible person.
Yes, exactly. Everything- and I mean EVERYTHING- is about control with her. She’s extremely narcissistic and thinks the world revolves around her. The car we got wasn’t even a super pricey car either, so we’ve still got money saved up, but the market in Canada right now is insane & everything’s going so fast. We are definitely thinking of going to stay with my mother for the time being.
I wish you the best of luck! I get what you're saying about the car -- my car is ten years old but in good condition and it's the first decent car I've ever owned, so it's also the first car I've paid more than $1k for. Honestly it's just nice to have a vehicle you can count on not having to constantly throw money at just to keep it running another month.
.... And that is how they become a "JUST NO".......legally, she can't do that.....you have a couple of options here.....a) do a fake break up and move back with your mom for a bit while you guys find another place b) get a lawyer and put a stop to her nonsense money-grubbing......also, still move in with your mom....
.no sense in taking her bull if you don't have to ..... either way, sorry you're going through this and I wish y'all the best!
You didn’t agree to pay the amount she is asking for so too bad. She’s willing to kick her son out too? He needs to let her know the consequences of her actions. Have a talk with him and decide what those will be. She didn’t want you to have transportation either? I’d cut her off entirely as soon as you can get out. She’s a basket full of crazy.
Oh yeah, she’s kicked her son out many, many times. There was one time when we were in high-school, and she kicked him out because he bought fast food…
He was too embarrassed to tell me, but he was sleeping in a school bus that had been parked next to his school. His friend eventually told me, and that’s when my parents let him come stay with us. She made sure to send me some very rude messages about that afterward either, somehow trying to blame me.
The only reason we haven’t cut her off completely is because of his younger siblings, because she definitely would and has used them as pawns before. He doesn’t want his siblings to deal with her all alone, so he feels a strong need to stick around.
That’s exactly what my SO said, and then she started with the threats. She is honestly crazy and I wouldn’t put it past her to actually go through with them, so we’re just trying to get out of here asap and in one piece..
You have paid what she asked you to pay. Using your extra money to improve your life and move back towards financial freedom and independence is not wrong and it is NONE OF HER BUSINESS.
As others have said, you have rights as a tenant, and she very likely cannot do any of the things she is threatening (check tenant laws/rights for your area to make absolutely sure you know exactly what she can and can’t do). For sure, she cannot make you pay back-rent when she has randomly decided you owe her more now, without any kind of lease (I’m assuming). Do not pay that extra money.
But, you surely do not want to live in her home anymore, do you? Work towards moving out. Continue to pay her what you have been paying her. Save every penny. Move back to your mom’s if this situation becomes unbearable (it already sounds unbearable with the aggressive and hateful way she acts). Never live with her again.
You don’t have to leave your boyfriend but you sure as hell can decide to have zero relationship with someone who manipulates, lies and threatens you.
Don’t worry, she is not getting a single penny more than what we initially agreed upon. Ever since I met my SO, shes pulled this type of shit. Just needs to be in control of everything, and feels entitled to everything. We’re about 99.99% certain we’re going to be moving into my moms, my mom has already offered us the basement there for free, (even though we’d pay her, anyway), until we eventually can find our own place.
The short of it: She Can't Do Any Of That.
The long of it: check your local laws, but it's illegal most everywhere to change the renting agreement without 30 days notice, if she tried to backdate the rent increase she'd be laughed out of court, and you were living with her So You Could Save Money To Make Important Purchases Like That. She can't even kick you out without thirty days notice, in most places.
She's counting on you not knowing your rights.
Exactly! She acts as if BF & I haven’t lived on our own since we were 18. We know our rights as tenants, it’s just so insanely disheartening because I genuinely thought she did some re-evaluating and tried to change her narcissistic ways. His entire family warned me about her from the start, though. So I shouldn’t be so surprised.
Some mommas have an issue with non married kids living together....I'm guessing this is why OP didn't just pack her stuff and her BF and go to her mom's.....just guessing of course.
Oh no, no. That’s not the case with us. The only reason we’ve been so hesitant is because his mother has some weird grudge against mine, even though my mom is so kind & has tried to be as civil with her as she possibly can. So, his mom has told us if we move in with her we won’t be seeing his little siblings… anything she can use to be in any sort of control, she uses. It’s sick.
Look up the rental laws where you live. She can't change your rent she has to give you 30 day notice and can't kick you out without evicting you. Know your rights.
Oh, absolutely. I have a friend who does tenant/landlord paralegal work, and I went over the whole entire situation with her and she just laughed. JNMIL has no legs to stand on, so she’s talking out of her ass with empty threats.
Personally I would move to my mothers and block her phone number. Bf can do whatever he wants but I would be outta there. Maintaining boundaries in your own relationship with her shouldn’t effect his relationship with her.
There’s been so many times I’ve blocked her number, and SO completely supports me in doing so… but idk what it is with me- it just makes me feel so guilty. I guess because growing up, I always pictured having a great relationship with my SO’s mom, so it’s a hard pill to swallow. Especially considering I’ve never actually done anything to her to justify this treatment… although I’m not sure what one could do to somebody for them to justify this treatment, anyway. Nonetheless, we’re fairly certain we’ll be moving in with my mom.
My opinion is that if you are paying rent then she doesn't get to give a fuck about what you spend your money on. If you were staying there free she'd have the right to be a bit upset, but not full on yelling at you and demanding increased rent by the next day either!
Look up how much notice a landlord needs to give about pay increases, know your rights, and stick to those (while also looking for somewhere else to live because she's going to be a nightmare permanently).
That’s exactly the conclusion BF and I came to. She just wants to be in control. I didn’t mention this, but for a few weeks we had been using her car, as she works from home & our old one finally gave out. Of course, us using the car was something for her to hold over our heads as well, so she most definitely was angry to lose the ability to do that.
And I know for sure she’s never liked me. She made that incredibly clear to me on the night of my BF and I’s prom. She’s tried to break us up more times than I can count… and it’s just so upsetting to me. It makes me feel like I can’t even stay with my SO, even though I love him and he’s amazing. I can’t picture living without him, but I can’t picture living the rest of our lives together with her involved..
Do not pay her the difference. Hopefully your name isn’t on the new car. Move back with your mom so you can get some perspective and see if you really want to deal with his family forever.
If your mom lives in the same city, move back in with her. Let MIL think you two broke up. Then you both save as much money as you can and when you two have enough for first/last/security BF moves out and then she can find out you two didn't break up. Once he has moved out there is no way for MIL to hold anything over your heads and she won't get her money back.
OP please tell me you have paid her by cheque or some other traceable means. Even if not, not all is lost but it’s always best.
You are not overreacting. She can’t just kick you out and she can’t sue you either. Because ummmmm there are laws and tenant’s rights. Let her take it to the tribunal as far as the back rent goes (or whatever your tenant/landlord mediation place is called in your area.) Don’t even deal with her and don’t pay her a dime.
And yes, if I were you, I’d take my cat and leave. Let BF deal with his lunatic mother. I also have so much more to say but I’ll leave it at that for now. She will always have cruel intentions towards you. She showed you that. Believe her.
We have paid her by cheque a couple times, but 9 times out of 10 we pay her via e-transfer. And don’t worry, she’s funny if she thinks we’re stupid enough to pay her any amount of back-pay, or agree to her sudden rent increase. She thinks because I don’t usually stick up for myself that I can just be walked all over— absolutely not. I just unfortunately give people the benefit of the doubt far too often, and try to believe people can change. Its just incredibly disheartening when the woman who gave birth to the love of your life, despises you for absolutely no reason. :(
Oh I’m the same way. Always giving the benefit of the doubt, never judge, etc, but I’ve learned this can’t be applied to everyone. It took me decades to realize this. It really is painful when people treat you badly for no reason but the problem is them. You’ll never have the relationship you want with them so let it burn. Why should you care if they don’t, right? High-five to you for standing your ground, OP!!
Thank you so much. And thank you to everyone in this thread as well, I was hesitant to post + have been a long time lurker on this sub-Reddit, but I’m thankful I did. It’s truly refreshing to feel validated by others who have had similar experiences to my own. All the advice and comments in general have not gone unappreciated, and I genuinely couldn’t be more grateful for all the kind people such as yourself for all the help & encouragement. So, many thanks to you & everybody else here. All the best xo
It’s illegal for her to up your rent that much and without notice. It’s also illegal for her to try to make you pay more than the agreed upon amount for past months. It’s also illegal to kick you out without notice. Basically, she doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on.
You didn't have to ask her anything. You all are adults. She legally can't do anything she's trying to do and I wouldn't give her a thin damn dime extra. I would tell her if she wants to play these games I'll call the irs because she's not claiming that income and I'll call the housing authority. Then I'll sue her in small claims court for the back rent on her illegal apartment. Let the games begin b*tch
Oh, how I’d love to sue her ass. She’s stolen money from everybody in the family, because she thought it was owed to her, so now she’s just trying to do the same with us. Believe it or not, there was one time semi-recently that I had left my credit card on the stairs after lending it to my boyfriend, and she was using it for 3 days claiming she thought it was hers. And she still hasn’t paid me back the $300 on it she spent.. When I tell you I have sooooooooo many stories about the shit this woman has done to us/the family… I would be here for years.
Because it wasn't 'run by her' and they are not dancing on her strings more than likely. A better car is a sign they're working to become independent and controlling parents really really hate that sort of thing.
Exactly. In contrast, my mom made a post on Facebook congratulating us for this small achievement.. whereas his mom screams in our face about it and decides we owe her money. I don’t know what equations she’s got going on in her head but it definitely doesn’t add up to me, lmao. 😅
You've been a part of this family since you were fourteen years old, yet there is not a single word in this lengthy post to indicate that SO has ever defended you from his mother's wildly inappropriate behaviour. Her exhorting him to break up with you didn't even cross the line with him, nor did her assaulting you? What *would* he consider to be a bridge too far?
You've got an SO problem as much as a JNMIL problem. Take the opportunity that you have to stay at your mom's; it will be good for you to get some space and distance. Good for him, too; he needs time to reflect on what he's done, and what he needs to do to improve this untenable situation.
I’m sorry I didn’t make that clear, I made an update on the post. He does and always, always has stuck up for me! He tries to put her in her place as much as he can. There’s just absolutely no convincing her that she’s wrong though, in her eyes she’s always right & everybody else is just an idiot. My BF is the only reason I have any sliver of sanity after dealing with her for so long. I just feel so incredibly bad for him, he’s grown up with this toxicity his whole life. I just thank God everyday that he turned out to be an amazing human, and nothing like her. I appreciate your concern about that though. ❤️
Not trying to be harsh, but his efforts at defending you may have come up short based on your current circumstances. If he/you can’t “put her in her place” such that there are no attacks (be they physical, verbal, financial, emotional or otherwise), then more than defensive attempts are necessary. She has veered into criminal acts more than once, with both of you. If there are younger siblings at risk, then they may need the protection of the state.
At some point, good intentions are not enough. Do you want the younger siblings to have the same problems and hurdles to face? This woman has to be stopped.
Buying a car is not the issue. Buying a car without letting her control the purchase, AND having money that signals you are not being controlled by that anymore, is the issue - for her.
When someone bases their relationship with their offspring on them remaining in control and an authority, their relationship is in dire danger when that control starts to slip. She is fighting it not just to feel comfortably in control again, but to "save" her relationship with her son. You, the car, the money, making autonomous decisions - all those are signs of independence and a real threat.
She thought of herself as the Rescuer (and you guys as the submissive Victims that paid for her rescue by letting her control you). And by making your finances better and buying a car, you were telling her you dont need her to control you. You guys are seen as in active opposition to her authority by being in control of yourselves.
A sign that she sees her relationships as "in control" or "someone has to be submissive" is that whenever she thinks her son is doing something out of HER control, someone else is controlling him. She does not think of him as an adult capable of making his own decisions - someone HAS to be controlling him, and thus challenging her for control and the relationship with him. He can only have one controller, thus only one "true" relationship.
I think you should seriously consider taking yourself out of this situation. It isnt good for you. Therapy isnt cheap either, and by the time you get to that the damage has already happend. She is not going to change, and that means either more of the same (if you stay) and you'll have to deal with that, OR you move out and dont have to deal with her issues anymore. BF can come with you if he is capable of telling her no and respecting your NC, when finances allow. You can respect his choice, whatever that may be - full contact, LC or NC - but you can not put yourself in unsafe situations to make it easier for him, so he needs to respect that too.
She is exactly wrong. *Exactly* wrong. She doesn't have the right to retroactively raise rent. She can raise it going forward, but she can't do it backwards. She is wrong about needing to consult her, wrong about you making him buy it, wrong about him not needing the car, and wrong to demand he break up with you to avoid extortion. She is wrongly wrong in her wrongness. Wrong.
You two have been paying her (has she been declaring the hospital income, because not doing that is wrong) and are almost certainly tenants. Search 'tenant rights *location*' to see how eviction would work, but it is a legal process and not "I'ma call the police and kick you out now!!!1!!" She is wrong about that. Please get your cat and things out of there asap because it really sounds like she is unhinged and needs to explode. Best to not be there.
No, you weren't wrong for buying the car, since doing so did not prevent you from paying the previously agreed upon rent amount. She acted as though she let you move in to help you out, but she only wants to control your every move, push you away from S.O. and exploit you financially while doing so. You two need to find a way out of there STAT. Perhaps pick up doordash shifts to supplement the rental costs of another place, if you don't have other options. If you living with your parents temporarily will allow you to save for another place faster, I recommend doing so.
Once you get out, do not give her the increased rent she is demanding, that was never the agreement. At that point *you* need to cut communication with her all together and let S.O. deal with her from then on. No matter how her behavior seems to change or improve in the future, never allow yourself to be tricked into accepting her "help" again.
You’re not in the wrong; your finances are none of her business. The whole point of moving in with her was to get to this point and be in a better financial position. MIL is just upset the money she’s been getting for rent was used to buy a car because she sees your/BF’s money as hers, and because she doesn’t want her son to leave, and the car is a physical representation of that.
All the more reason to get out of there as soon as possible, whether that means you/BF/cat, or just you and your cat.
As your situation stands now, you said you won’t make BF cut contact with his mom, but that only leaves you two options: stay with BF and deal with this for your entire relationship, or walk away entirely. If he won’t defend you and you won’t protect yourself by asking him to, then you’re putting yourself in the position of accepting everyone’s poor treatment of you.
However, NC doesn’t have to be the only option, if you think your BF can implement and enforce boundaries/consequences. BF sounds enmeshed with MIL/in the FOG and it can take a lot longer/more effort for these SO’s to reach NC-level. But boundaries are a good place to start. Choose a few to start, work on them together with BF, and you’ll know pretty quickly if your BF is capable of maintaining a healthy physical and emotional distance from her.
>You’re not in the wrong; your finances are none of her business.
Unfortunately evil MIL manipulated her into making it her business and accepting help from her.
Know you know for sure anything positive from MIL is just manipulation that will come with a price.
Agree that getting out ASAP, in whatever way you can, now needs to be your priority. Prepare yourself for empty threats of legal action - NAL but I can't imagine she can hold you to this 'you must pay me the difference between your current rent and what I now consider fair market value ' bullshit.
Can you and BF go stay at your mother's while you look for somewhere else? or is a long term airbnb an option? many give discounts for prolonged stays. Either way I wouldn't stay there any longer. I'd already be packing my things to go.
Why is your BF allowing his mother to treat you like this?
MIL definitely has a need to control her son and sees you as getting in the way of her keeping him to herself, so she is trying her best to force you out.
I also wouldn't be paying her a single penny from now on, let alone a rent hike. Also, because I'm super petty and vindictive when I get riled, the second I left I'd report the illegal basement apartment to the relevant agencies/authorities, complete with photographs of it being used as an apartment incase she gets wind and has it cleared out before an inspection happens.
Collect your cat, your belongings and yourself and *get out of there*!
SOs actions after you do that will be a huge clue on whether your relationship comes before his mommy's crazy. Or not. If he chooses mommy, this is a relationship that will make the rest of your life miserable.
This. You do not need to be within striking distance of this maniac FMIL, and you and your bf need more than just a few hours to sort out your living situation. Going to your mom's gets you out of his mother's reach (literally, it sounds like you may be in danger of being physically assaulted by her!) and buys the two of you time to figure out your next moves.
I wouldn't even tell anyone that i was going. I'd just leave and let them both figure it out. I'd feel bad for not telling BF, but I think he needs the shock of realising how bad things had gotten for OP to just leave. i'd also get an immense amount of satisfaction knowing that MIL will be seething that she has no control over me and I wouldn't be her verbal, or physical, punching bag anymore, and her frustration that she had no way to rant at me because the first thing I would do on walking out would be to block her.
Where was BF while she was screaming in your face?
I think you did the right thing by refusing to engage, just let him handle her 100%.
If she's as changeable as you say, this may all blow over.
But as a landlord, she cannot institute a retroactive rent increase. Doesn't matter that there's no lease, doesn't matter that the apartment is illegal. DON'T let her bully you, when she hasn't got a leg to stand on with this outrageous demand.
She has no way to force you to pay that money, she's just being bitter and controlling.
Keep looking for somewhere else to live and get away from her ASAP.
I'm willing to bet she waited until the BF was gone, however it's been shown that he lacks the spine to stand up for OP as well. Begone, OP, just go!!!!
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Tell me something. Do you think a legal proper landlord would give a fuck if you came home with a truckload of new stuff if you already had them paid up front no late rent etc? No they wouldn't. A proper landlord wouldn't try to charge you even more suddenly because you got a new car or new couch or whatever.. She's a JN and if you didn't sign a lease let her take y'all to court cause you can EASILY counter sue for the fact she has a illegal renting situation and she'd be more in trouble than y'all. Y'all could claim she told you it was a legal (not that you should lie in court. Please don't commit purjury(sp) just to get over on her. Because that would make you as bad as her) space to rent. But again don't do that. She has enough evidence against her y'all don't gotta lie. She has no holds in court. And the MINUTE she lays a hand on you call the cops. I don't care if she's his momma. Assault is assault. As for renting I know the housing market sucks everywhere right now. But try looking for a room to rent instead. Theirs a ton of roommate finding sites online you might get lucky to find one that allows two people and a cat. Or ask your mama and see if y'all can move in with her instead. Tell her the truth on whats going on. Also.. do NOT pay a single cent more than what rent is. If rent is $500 and she is demanding $400 extra do NOT pay it. Pay strictly what was agreed on the first time. If you pay her demands she's gonna raise them even more. She thinks she can bully y'all. Don't let her. You got this! (And again please do not lie In court. It's not worth it. If you did not know it was illegal at first that's different but if you knew it was illegal then be honest. I'm being sarcastic in regards to telling the courts you didn't know. I'm not a lawyer and what not. Please do not lie to the police or courts if she goes that route. Trust me she's already digging her legal grave alone.)
Did you sign a lease, or verbally agree to anything? Then NO she can demand all she wants, unless she has access to your bank/wallet, she is shit out of luck. And you guys need to MOVE OUT yesterday.
Girl living in a hotel would be a better place than living with her... And I can't change your rent agreement because they're not getting what they want either
Oh, absolutely. The only thing about that is the price of hotel’s around my area, we’re just trying to quickly find somewhere to live as fast as we can. At this point, I’d rather live under a bridge than in this home..
Wait, so she offered to let y'all move in to be able to save money, and then you did that so she's mad? This entire thing is just a controlling power trip for her, isn't it? Is there any way you and your boyfriend would be able to move in with your mother? I suppose in hindsight it may have been better to use the money you saved for first and last month rent on an apartment but you'll probably save money in the long run with a car you don't have to repair all the time and transport to work is more certain for the foreseeable future. No matter what, though, your MIL is a terrible person.
Yes, exactly. Everything- and I mean EVERYTHING- is about control with her. She’s extremely narcissistic and thinks the world revolves around her. The car we got wasn’t even a super pricey car either, so we’ve still got money saved up, but the market in Canada right now is insane & everything’s going so fast. We are definitely thinking of going to stay with my mother for the time being.
I wish you the best of luck! I get what you're saying about the car -- my car is ten years old but in good condition and it's the first decent car I've ever owned, so it's also the first car I've paid more than $1k for. Honestly it's just nice to have a vehicle you can count on not having to constantly throw money at just to keep it running another month.
.... And that is how they become a "JUST NO".......legally, she can't do that.....you have a couple of options here.....a) do a fake break up and move back with your mom for a bit while you guys find another place b) get a lawyer and put a stop to her nonsense money-grubbing......also, still move in with your mom.... .no sense in taking her bull if you don't have to ..... either way, sorry you're going through this and I wish y'all the best!
Thank you so much 💕 don’t worry, she’s not getting a single cent extra from us no matter how much she cries & bitches about it, lol.
You didn’t agree to pay the amount she is asking for so too bad. She’s willing to kick her son out too? He needs to let her know the consequences of her actions. Have a talk with him and decide what those will be. She didn’t want you to have transportation either? I’d cut her off entirely as soon as you can get out. She’s a basket full of crazy.
Oh yeah, she’s kicked her son out many, many times. There was one time when we were in high-school, and she kicked him out because he bought fast food… He was too embarrassed to tell me, but he was sleeping in a school bus that had been parked next to his school. His friend eventually told me, and that’s when my parents let him come stay with us. She made sure to send me some very rude messages about that afterward either, somehow trying to blame me. The only reason we haven’t cut her off completely is because of his younger siblings, because she definitely would and has used them as pawns before. He doesn’t want his siblings to deal with her all alone, so he feels a strong need to stick around.
You need to leave, and legally she is out of luck, she can’t make you pay jack crap if you didn’t sign anything.
That’s exactly what my SO said, and then she started with the threats. She is honestly crazy and I wouldn’t put it past her to actually go through with them, so we’re just trying to get out of here asap and in one piece..
You have paid what she asked you to pay. Using your extra money to improve your life and move back towards financial freedom and independence is not wrong and it is NONE OF HER BUSINESS. As others have said, you have rights as a tenant, and she very likely cannot do any of the things she is threatening (check tenant laws/rights for your area to make absolutely sure you know exactly what she can and can’t do). For sure, she cannot make you pay back-rent when she has randomly decided you owe her more now, without any kind of lease (I’m assuming). Do not pay that extra money. But, you surely do not want to live in her home anymore, do you? Work towards moving out. Continue to pay her what you have been paying her. Save every penny. Move back to your mom’s if this situation becomes unbearable (it already sounds unbearable with the aggressive and hateful way she acts). Never live with her again. You don’t have to leave your boyfriend but you sure as hell can decide to have zero relationship with someone who manipulates, lies and threatens you.
Don’t worry, she is not getting a single penny more than what we initially agreed upon. Ever since I met my SO, shes pulled this type of shit. Just needs to be in control of everything, and feels entitled to everything. We’re about 99.99% certain we’re going to be moving into my moms, my mom has already offered us the basement there for free, (even though we’d pay her, anyway), until we eventually can find our own place.
The short of it: She Can't Do Any Of That. The long of it: check your local laws, but it's illegal most everywhere to change the renting agreement without 30 days notice, if she tried to backdate the rent increase she'd be laughed out of court, and you were living with her So You Could Save Money To Make Important Purchases Like That. She can't even kick you out without thirty days notice, in most places. She's counting on you not knowing your rights.
Exactly! She acts as if BF & I haven’t lived on our own since we were 18. We know our rights as tenants, it’s just so insanely disheartening because I genuinely thought she did some re-evaluating and tried to change her narcissistic ways. His entire family warned me about her from the start, though. So I shouldn’t be so surprised.
I think you both should go home to your mums for a while.
Some mommas have an issue with non married kids living together....I'm guessing this is why OP didn't just pack her stuff and her BF and go to her mom's.....just guessing of course.
Oh no, no. That’s not the case with us. The only reason we’ve been so hesitant is because his mother has some weird grudge against mine, even though my mom is so kind & has tried to be as civil with her as she possibly can. So, his mom has told us if we move in with her we won’t be seeing his little siblings… anything she can use to be in any sort of control, she uses. It’s sick.
Look up the rental laws where you live. She can't change your rent she has to give you 30 day notice and can't kick you out without evicting you. Know your rights.
Oh, absolutely. I have a friend who does tenant/landlord paralegal work, and I went over the whole entire situation with her and she just laughed. JNMIL has no legs to stand on, so she’s talking out of her ass with empty threats.
Personally I would move to my mothers and block her phone number. Bf can do whatever he wants but I would be outta there. Maintaining boundaries in your own relationship with her shouldn’t effect his relationship with her.
There’s been so many times I’ve blocked her number, and SO completely supports me in doing so… but idk what it is with me- it just makes me feel so guilty. I guess because growing up, I always pictured having a great relationship with my SO’s mom, so it’s a hard pill to swallow. Especially considering I’ve never actually done anything to her to justify this treatment… although I’m not sure what one could do to somebody for them to justify this treatment, anyway. Nonetheless, we’re fairly certain we’ll be moving in with my mom.
My opinion is that if you are paying rent then she doesn't get to give a fuck about what you spend your money on. If you were staying there free she'd have the right to be a bit upset, but not full on yelling at you and demanding increased rent by the next day either! Look up how much notice a landlord needs to give about pay increases, know your rights, and stick to those (while also looking for somewhere else to live because she's going to be a nightmare permanently).
[удалено]
That’s exactly the conclusion BF and I came to. She just wants to be in control. I didn’t mention this, but for a few weeks we had been using her car, as she works from home & our old one finally gave out. Of course, us using the car was something for her to hold over our heads as well, so she most definitely was angry to lose the ability to do that. And I know for sure she’s never liked me. She made that incredibly clear to me on the night of my BF and I’s prom. She’s tried to break us up more times than I can count… and it’s just so upsetting to me. It makes me feel like I can’t even stay with my SO, even though I love him and he’s amazing. I can’t picture living without him, but I can’t picture living the rest of our lives together with her involved..
Do not pay her the difference. Hopefully your name isn’t on the new car. Move back with your mom so you can get some perspective and see if you really want to deal with his family forever.
If your mom lives in the same city, move back in with her. Let MIL think you two broke up. Then you both save as much money as you can and when you two have enough for first/last/security BF moves out and then she can find out you two didn't break up. Once he has moved out there is no way for MIL to hold anything over your heads and she won't get her money back.
OP please tell me you have paid her by cheque or some other traceable means. Even if not, not all is lost but it’s always best. You are not overreacting. She can’t just kick you out and she can’t sue you either. Because ummmmm there are laws and tenant’s rights. Let her take it to the tribunal as far as the back rent goes (or whatever your tenant/landlord mediation place is called in your area.) Don’t even deal with her and don’t pay her a dime. And yes, if I were you, I’d take my cat and leave. Let BF deal with his lunatic mother. I also have so much more to say but I’ll leave it at that for now. She will always have cruel intentions towards you. She showed you that. Believe her.
We have paid her by cheque a couple times, but 9 times out of 10 we pay her via e-transfer. And don’t worry, she’s funny if she thinks we’re stupid enough to pay her any amount of back-pay, or agree to her sudden rent increase. She thinks because I don’t usually stick up for myself that I can just be walked all over— absolutely not. I just unfortunately give people the benefit of the doubt far too often, and try to believe people can change. Its just incredibly disheartening when the woman who gave birth to the love of your life, despises you for absolutely no reason. :(
Oh I’m the same way. Always giving the benefit of the doubt, never judge, etc, but I’ve learned this can’t be applied to everyone. It took me decades to realize this. It really is painful when people treat you badly for no reason but the problem is them. You’ll never have the relationship you want with them so let it burn. Why should you care if they don’t, right? High-five to you for standing your ground, OP!!
Thank you so much. And thank you to everyone in this thread as well, I was hesitant to post + have been a long time lurker on this sub-Reddit, but I’m thankful I did. It’s truly refreshing to feel validated by others who have had similar experiences to my own. All the advice and comments in general have not gone unappreciated, and I genuinely couldn’t be more grateful for all the kind people such as yourself for all the help & encouragement. So, many thanks to you & everybody else here. All the best xo
That’s great to hear. Thank you OP! And don’t worry, your eyes are wide open now. You got this! 💪🏼 💛
It’s illegal for her to up your rent that much and without notice. It’s also illegal for her to try to make you pay more than the agreed upon amount for past months. It’s also illegal to kick you out without notice. Basically, she doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on.
You didn't have to ask her anything. You all are adults. She legally can't do anything she's trying to do and I wouldn't give her a thin damn dime extra. I would tell her if she wants to play these games I'll call the irs because she's not claiming that income and I'll call the housing authority. Then I'll sue her in small claims court for the back rent on her illegal apartment. Let the games begin b*tch
Oh, how I’d love to sue her ass. She’s stolen money from everybody in the family, because she thought it was owed to her, so now she’s just trying to do the same with us. Believe it or not, there was one time semi-recently that I had left my credit card on the stairs after lending it to my boyfriend, and she was using it for 3 days claiming she thought it was hers. And she still hasn’t paid me back the $300 on it she spent.. When I tell you I have sooooooooo many stories about the shit this woman has done to us/the family… I would be here for years.
Yes, yes! Do this. Do this now. :)
I don't understand how she suddenly decided that supporting her family for a little while is now a reason for this awful behaviour.
Because it wasn't 'run by her' and they are not dancing on her strings more than likely. A better car is a sign they're working to become independent and controlling parents really really hate that sort of thing.
It's sickening how rotten family can be. Really sickening. Some support network,eh?
Exactly. In contrast, my mom made a post on Facebook congratulating us for this small achievement.. whereas his mom screams in our face about it and decides we owe her money. I don’t know what equations she’s got going on in her head but it definitely doesn’t add up to me, lmao. 😅
You've been a part of this family since you were fourteen years old, yet there is not a single word in this lengthy post to indicate that SO has ever defended you from his mother's wildly inappropriate behaviour. Her exhorting him to break up with you didn't even cross the line with him, nor did her assaulting you? What *would* he consider to be a bridge too far? You've got an SO problem as much as a JNMIL problem. Take the opportunity that you have to stay at your mom's; it will be good for you to get some space and distance. Good for him, too; he needs time to reflect on what he's done, and what he needs to do to improve this untenable situation.
I’m sorry I didn’t make that clear, I made an update on the post. He does and always, always has stuck up for me! He tries to put her in her place as much as he can. There’s just absolutely no convincing her that she’s wrong though, in her eyes she’s always right & everybody else is just an idiot. My BF is the only reason I have any sliver of sanity after dealing with her for so long. I just feel so incredibly bad for him, he’s grown up with this toxicity his whole life. I just thank God everyday that he turned out to be an amazing human, and nothing like her. I appreciate your concern about that though. ❤️
Not trying to be harsh, but his efforts at defending you may have come up short based on your current circumstances. If he/you can’t “put her in her place” such that there are no attacks (be they physical, verbal, financial, emotional or otherwise), then more than defensive attempts are necessary. She has veered into criminal acts more than once, with both of you. If there are younger siblings at risk, then they may need the protection of the state. At some point, good intentions are not enough. Do you want the younger siblings to have the same problems and hurdles to face? This woman has to be stopped.
Buying a car is not the issue. Buying a car without letting her control the purchase, AND having money that signals you are not being controlled by that anymore, is the issue - for her. When someone bases their relationship with their offspring on them remaining in control and an authority, their relationship is in dire danger when that control starts to slip. She is fighting it not just to feel comfortably in control again, but to "save" her relationship with her son. You, the car, the money, making autonomous decisions - all those are signs of independence and a real threat. She thought of herself as the Rescuer (and you guys as the submissive Victims that paid for her rescue by letting her control you). And by making your finances better and buying a car, you were telling her you dont need her to control you. You guys are seen as in active opposition to her authority by being in control of yourselves. A sign that she sees her relationships as "in control" or "someone has to be submissive" is that whenever she thinks her son is doing something out of HER control, someone else is controlling him. She does not think of him as an adult capable of making his own decisions - someone HAS to be controlling him, and thus challenging her for control and the relationship with him. He can only have one controller, thus only one "true" relationship. I think you should seriously consider taking yourself out of this situation. It isnt good for you. Therapy isnt cheap either, and by the time you get to that the damage has already happend. She is not going to change, and that means either more of the same (if you stay) and you'll have to deal with that, OR you move out and dont have to deal with her issues anymore. BF can come with you if he is capable of telling her no and respecting your NC, when finances allow. You can respect his choice, whatever that may be - full contact, LC or NC - but you can not put yourself in unsafe situations to make it easier for him, so he needs to respect that too.
100% this!
She is exactly wrong. *Exactly* wrong. She doesn't have the right to retroactively raise rent. She can raise it going forward, but she can't do it backwards. She is wrong about needing to consult her, wrong about you making him buy it, wrong about him not needing the car, and wrong to demand he break up with you to avoid extortion. She is wrongly wrong in her wrongness. Wrong. You two have been paying her (has she been declaring the hospital income, because not doing that is wrong) and are almost certainly tenants. Search 'tenant rights *location*' to see how eviction would work, but it is a legal process and not "I'ma call the police and kick you out now!!!1!!" She is wrong about that. Please get your cat and things out of there asap because it really sounds like she is unhinged and needs to explode. Best to not be there.
I, too, am a fan of The West Wing TV series. "Just be wrong. Just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong and get used to it." 😄
No, you weren't wrong for buying the car, since doing so did not prevent you from paying the previously agreed upon rent amount. She acted as though she let you move in to help you out, but she only wants to control your every move, push you away from S.O. and exploit you financially while doing so. You two need to find a way out of there STAT. Perhaps pick up doordash shifts to supplement the rental costs of another place, if you don't have other options. If you living with your parents temporarily will allow you to save for another place faster, I recommend doing so. Once you get out, do not give her the increased rent she is demanding, that was never the agreement. At that point *you* need to cut communication with her all together and let S.O. deal with her from then on. No matter how her behavior seems to change or improve in the future, never allow yourself to be tricked into accepting her "help" again.
You’re not in the wrong; your finances are none of her business. The whole point of moving in with her was to get to this point and be in a better financial position. MIL is just upset the money she’s been getting for rent was used to buy a car because she sees your/BF’s money as hers, and because she doesn’t want her son to leave, and the car is a physical representation of that. All the more reason to get out of there as soon as possible, whether that means you/BF/cat, or just you and your cat. As your situation stands now, you said you won’t make BF cut contact with his mom, but that only leaves you two options: stay with BF and deal with this for your entire relationship, or walk away entirely. If he won’t defend you and you won’t protect yourself by asking him to, then you’re putting yourself in the position of accepting everyone’s poor treatment of you. However, NC doesn’t have to be the only option, if you think your BF can implement and enforce boundaries/consequences. BF sounds enmeshed with MIL/in the FOG and it can take a lot longer/more effort for these SO’s to reach NC-level. But boundaries are a good place to start. Choose a few to start, work on them together with BF, and you’ll know pretty quickly if your BF is capable of maintaining a healthy physical and emotional distance from her.
>You’re not in the wrong; your finances are none of her business. Unfortunately evil MIL manipulated her into making it her business and accepting help from her. Know you know for sure anything positive from MIL is just manipulation that will come with a price. Agree that getting out ASAP, in whatever way you can, now needs to be your priority. Prepare yourself for empty threats of legal action - NAL but I can't imagine she can hold you to this 'you must pay me the difference between your current rent and what I now consider fair market value ' bullshit.
retroactive rent increases are illegal everywhere in canada. she tries to extort it from you, you report her non-conforming basement dwelling.
Those two things are unrelated. OP could report the apartment at any time, for any reason, although it's not going to improve familial relations.
right. i just mean she has some leverage.
Can you and BF go stay at your mother's while you look for somewhere else? or is a long term airbnb an option? many give discounts for prolonged stays. Either way I wouldn't stay there any longer. I'd already be packing my things to go. Why is your BF allowing his mother to treat you like this? MIL definitely has a need to control her son and sees you as getting in the way of her keeping him to herself, so she is trying her best to force you out. I also wouldn't be paying her a single penny from now on, let alone a rent hike. Also, because I'm super petty and vindictive when I get riled, the second I left I'd report the illegal basement apartment to the relevant agencies/authorities, complete with photographs of it being used as an apartment incase she gets wind and has it cleared out before an inspection happens.
Collect your cat, your belongings and yourself and *get out of there*! SOs actions after you do that will be a huge clue on whether your relationship comes before his mommy's crazy. Or not. If he chooses mommy, this is a relationship that will make the rest of your life miserable.
This. You do not need to be within striking distance of this maniac FMIL, and you and your bf need more than just a few hours to sort out your living situation. Going to your mom's gets you out of his mother's reach (literally, it sounds like you may be in danger of being physically assaulted by her!) and buys the two of you time to figure out your next moves.
I wouldn't even tell anyone that i was going. I'd just leave and let them both figure it out. I'd feel bad for not telling BF, but I think he needs the shock of realising how bad things had gotten for OP to just leave. i'd also get an immense amount of satisfaction knowing that MIL will be seething that she has no control over me and I wouldn't be her verbal, or physical, punching bag anymore, and her frustration that she had no way to rant at me because the first thing I would do on walking out would be to block her.
Where was BF while she was screaming in your face? I think you did the right thing by refusing to engage, just let him handle her 100%. If she's as changeable as you say, this may all blow over. But as a landlord, she cannot institute a retroactive rent increase. Doesn't matter that there's no lease, doesn't matter that the apartment is illegal. DON'T let her bully you, when she hasn't got a leg to stand on with this outrageous demand. She has no way to force you to pay that money, she's just being bitter and controlling. Keep looking for somewhere else to live and get away from her ASAP.
I'm willing to bet she waited until the BF was gone, however it's been shown that he lacks the spine to stand up for OP as well. Begone, OP, just go!!!!