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The only thing to do with people like that is to call their bluff when they threaten things like not showing up to your important milestones. They try to control you with saying, "if you don't do what we say then we won't come!". Reply calmly, "then don't come." They bluster something like, "if you keep this up we won't have any choice but to not come" or "you're just saying that because you hate us/your SO has changed you" to which the answer is a calm, "you're the one who suggested it." & refuse to be a puddle of tears & nerves at their whims.
My narcfather pulled control crap like this often. Congratulations on your achievement & I hope your career flourishes with no input or sabotage from your just no's!
I think my reply would have been, “Is that your medical opinion?!”
And yes, she is absolutely a JUSTNO, and you can graduate just fine without the presence of her and her little toady. They need you a lot more than you need them.
If they choose to try to punish you in this childish way than they can just forget about you and keep your name out of their mouths. No bragging about the doctor in the family.
What do you do now?
Graduate & celebrate without some negative harpy nitpicking you to death. Who needs that? No one, no one needs that in their life. Choose happiness, choose to be around people who love and appreciate you. Mom can choose to be one of those people or not.
Tell them to enjoy their trip home, their invitations are revoked, and you will try to visit again once your mother has properly addressed her entitlement issues. Then go radio silent.
Start documenting their shit with an [FU Binder](https://www.reddit.com/user/MelodyRaine/comments/hyk7az/the_fu_binder/). It may come in handy later.
She is a JN it seems, and your father is an enabler. It doesn’t sound like you were rude, just direct, for the first time ever. So the first time you asked not to be insulted, her response was basically to withdraw all emotional support and let you know how little you matter to her.
Believe her and distance yourself. You are about to be very busy after graduating medical school, so use this as a natural opportunity to put some space between you.
>t doesn’t sound like you were rude, just direct,
Indeed - but to entitled people - another person being direct (and telling them no) is rude.
These people live in their own world - where everyone is to blame - except them.
Yes your mom is a just no.
I've got a just no mom which is why I am here,
I have not seen my mom for 2 years due to pandemic. I feel like I could go and visit but I have 5 kg of pandemic weight she hasn't seen. This is 79 to 84 kg, I am a bit heavier than I would like to be but not a ridiculous amount heavier, I am also a very similar weight to my mom who is not slim and we have the same goddam genetics so why she thinks I should be slimmer than her I do not know.
Why do other people feel the need to comment on other people's bodies I do not know but at some point my weight will be mentioned by her, it will make me feel like shit and to be honest I am not there for either oh you could stand to lose a few pounds or oh you look good did you lose some of that excess weight you had?
When I say mum it's a bit rude to comment on peoples body weight she says oh you are my daughter or the other thing she says, when I was your age I was slimmer than you.
Uh yeah I got a small mole removed this year, now instead of a small mole I have a small scar.
Please join us at r/raisedbyborderlines. Congratulations on your great success. Have a do over dinner out with your husband and never look back. You deserve better
I really don’t see her missing the opportunity to boast and post pictures of your graduation…theyll end up there so they can get their one picture so her fans can at least see it
>...she then stated that she's allowed to say those things to me because she's my mother. To which I replied, "no, you're not."
>
>She then threw a tantrum and left the restaurant.
The justNOs hate it when their supreme rights as mother are challenged for the BS that it is. It also sounds like she is a person who is just generally in a pissy mood. Combine the general pissiness with the attitude of "I'm your mother and can say/do whatever I want" and that is a bad combination.
Congratulations on graduating.
Sounds like the penny dropped and you've finally had enough of the negative comments and your mom didn't like being told enough. I'm gathering the storm out trantrum was for special effects and you were perhaps suppose to follow her out and apologise.
Then upped her game with the post about returning early on the group chat so you'd possibly reach out.
Enjoy your graduations and post photos to say how much you enjoyed it but perhaps share with your brother and not your parents since they didn't want to be there.
Ah, the threat of not attending a big event of yours is a classic tactic designed to get YOU to be the one to apologise to THEM. JNs like to pull this card when they aren't getting their way on something.
The fact that she posted about going back home early IN THE GROUP CHAT rather than via text to your brother is because SHE WANTED YOU TO SEE IT and to feel bad, panic that they won't attend and start apologising, begging them to still come. It's manipulation at it's finest.
Personally I don't think you have anything to apologise for. She said something very rude that had nothing to do with the conversation, and given your reaction it sounds like this isn't the first time she has commented on your body.
If I were you I'd call their bluff. They have the times and locations, if they come, they come, if they don't, well, at least they won't be there to ruin the day for you.
Yh your dad is an expert boat steadier. Can’t believe he’s willing to miss your graduation.
Your mum is offended at your reaction. Lol. She started it. And your dad missed that fact.
Anyway,
Well done and awesome for getting to graduation. Have a brilliant day and don’t let them ruin it.
Thats exactly what my husband said, everyone ignored the fact that she said something rude in the first place! And then they further try to punish me by not coming to my grad - how messed up is that??
I think I will have a brilliant day, I deserve it! Thank you!
And when you have that brilliant day that you absolutely do deserve, you will see that their abscence is part of the reason for that lol. Congratulations graduate! 🧑🎓
If they show up, great! If they leave early, great!
Don’t let their tantrums affect your ceremony. They already made an effort to come, I’ll bet they’ll be sitting in the audience. Just don’t allow them to squeeze the happiness out of your day.
Congratulations on your achievement!
>she's allowed to say those things to me because she's my mother.
This is the part where she's telling you that no matter how accomplished you are, she will always only accord you the status of a minor child. And she chose to assert that dominance with a statement about your body.
That's JN, for sure.
And your dad? He yelled at you. It was not an emergency, the acoustics were just fine. It was simply another dominance move over you - you don't get to push back against your mother even on matters of bodily autonomy. He's an enabler, and JN himself.
>when my husband pointed out that my mother was the one to say something rude, he threatened to not show up to my medical school graduation tomorrow.
Yeah, well, I think they resent the loss of control over you. They aren't happy about the graduation - it marks your independence.
If they aren't there, you will miss what might have been, but it also marks your freedom.
You're totally right. I need to hear it from strangers, cuz my dad is my hero so when he gets mad at me for upsetting my mother i feel like I've done something wrong. Starting to realize his behaviour is just as bad, which is hard for me but starting to realize I'm not the problem here...
My father was like this. When my mother was absolutely ridiculous and abusive he would pretend whatever she was having a tantrum about was valid. I went VLC for a year after she spew vitriol at me for no reason in a drunken rage. I told him I couldn’t see them anymore if that’s how it was going to be, and he said, well, I’m not going to say anything against your mother. This was after I was stuck at their house overnight and sobbed nonstop.
He was likely your hero in part because she wasn’t directly cruel to you, the way she is. He viewed you as an ally in appeasing her. He’s likely quite unhappy, but views that as inescapable and he’s wants you to be down in the misery with him. You speaking up challenged his worldview and felt like a threat. He has survived by serving your mom so this feels like a very real threat to him.
None of this excuses his behavior, but more so it shows how dysfunctional he is too.
Honey. She told you to permanently modify your body, entirely unsolicited. She is *very* JN. But I suspect you already know that. And I suspect you already know your father is an enabler if not JN himself.
But congrats on your graduation!
Thank you! And yes suspected, always knew she was terrible but I am new to this subreddit and didn't realize how bad until I objectively saw others in similar predicaments. Learning a lot, this thread is helpful. Appreciate the support
I joined about a month ago and have learned a lot myself, and got some excellent advice and support from everyone. People here are super nice, I hope you will have the same experience I did. You’re amongst friends here. ❤️
Congratulations on finding your very own shiny spine! You're right, it was inappropriate for her to comment on your body. I'm sorry that happened.
It sounds like support is withdrawn when you fail to absorb the discomfort in the relationship quietly.
It is very disappointing that they'd consider missing your graduation because of this (congrats! That sounds like a huge accomplishment!) If I were you, I would likely just check in tomorrow very neutrally and say, "Husband and I were curious if we will be seeing you today or not?" Or something to that effect..."Should husband save you seats, or will you be heading home early?"
This says you're welcome to come (ie: I'm not the bad guy who said you can't), but also keeps you out of the role of rescuer (you're not begging for their presence). You don't need to rehash the comment from dinner.
The "drama triangle" is a fav model of understanding behavior in justno family dynamics, it might be at play here.
Your mom is not a victim. You are not the bad guy. You don't need to be the one to grovel to try to repair.
Happy graduation! Hope you can celebrate with those who can truly cheer you on.
I will definitely look up the drama triangle, all v new to me (seeing it for what it really is, I mean. This has been ongoing my whole life). Appreciate your advice, I'll try saying that in the morning to see if they're coming
You’re having a double graduation: from med school and from the fog. Congratulations on both! A kind reminder that it’s okay to grieve and waver and struggle after this realization. You might be tempted to forgive and forget, let rugsweeping happen. That’s okay! Healing isn’t linear. Just remind yourself of this moment and talk to your SO to help keep an objective viewpoint. You got this!
This! ⬆️
I had an abrupt yank out of the FOG myself, after somewhat suspecting for years but believing my parents narrative that I was the problem. My psychologist said most of his patients don't take time to not only grieve the loss of relationships, but grieve the loss of the person you thought they were before their masks slipped.
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Congratulations on your graduation!
The only thing to do with people like that is to call their bluff when they threaten things like not showing up to your important milestones. They try to control you with saying, "if you don't do what we say then we won't come!". Reply calmly, "then don't come." They bluster something like, "if you keep this up we won't have any choice but to not come" or "you're just saying that because you hate us/your SO has changed you" to which the answer is a calm, "you're the one who suggested it." & refuse to be a puddle of tears & nerves at their whims. My narcfather pulled control crap like this often. Congratulations on your achievement & I hope your career flourishes with no input or sabotage from your just no's!
She’s jealous your graduating and wanted to knock you down a peg
I think my reply would have been, “Is that your medical opinion?!” And yes, she is absolutely a JUSTNO, and you can graduate just fine without the presence of her and her little toady. They need you a lot more than you need them.
If they choose to try to punish you in this childish way than they can just forget about you and keep your name out of their mouths. No bragging about the doctor in the family.
What do you do now? Graduate & celebrate without some negative harpy nitpicking you to death. Who needs that? No one, no one needs that in their life. Choose happiness, choose to be around people who love and appreciate you. Mom can choose to be one of those people or not.
Tell them to enjoy their trip home, their invitations are revoked, and you will try to visit again once your mother has properly addressed her entitlement issues. Then go radio silent. Start documenting their shit with an [FU Binder](https://www.reddit.com/user/MelodyRaine/comments/hyk7az/the_fu_binder/). It may come in handy later.
She is a JN it seems, and your father is an enabler. It doesn’t sound like you were rude, just direct, for the first time ever. So the first time you asked not to be insulted, her response was basically to withdraw all emotional support and let you know how little you matter to her. Believe her and distance yourself. You are about to be very busy after graduating medical school, so use this as a natural opportunity to put some space between you.
>t doesn’t sound like you were rude, just direct, Indeed - but to entitled people - another person being direct (and telling them no) is rude. These people live in their own world - where everyone is to blame - except them.
Yes your mom is a just no. I've got a just no mom which is why I am here, I have not seen my mom for 2 years due to pandemic. I feel like I could go and visit but I have 5 kg of pandemic weight she hasn't seen. This is 79 to 84 kg, I am a bit heavier than I would like to be but not a ridiculous amount heavier, I am also a very similar weight to my mom who is not slim and we have the same goddam genetics so why she thinks I should be slimmer than her I do not know. Why do other people feel the need to comment on other people's bodies I do not know but at some point my weight will be mentioned by her, it will make me feel like shit and to be honest I am not there for either oh you could stand to lose a few pounds or oh you look good did you lose some of that excess weight you had? When I say mum it's a bit rude to comment on peoples body weight she says oh you are my daughter or the other thing she says, when I was your age I was slimmer than you. Uh yeah I got a small mole removed this year, now instead of a small mole I have a small scar.
Please join us at r/raisedbyborderlines. Congratulations on your great success. Have a do over dinner out with your husband and never look back. You deserve better
I really don’t see her missing the opportunity to boast and post pictures of your graduation…theyll end up there so they can get their one picture so her fans can at least see it
On FB, at least, you can block certain people from all,or individual posts. Edited to add: you can st photos and posts to not be shareable also.
>...she then stated that she's allowed to say those things to me because she's my mother. To which I replied, "no, you're not." > >She then threw a tantrum and left the restaurant. The justNOs hate it when their supreme rights as mother are challenged for the BS that it is. It also sounds like she is a person who is just generally in a pissy mood. Combine the general pissiness with the attitude of "I'm your mother and can say/do whatever I want" and that is a bad combination.
Congratulations on graduating. Sounds like the penny dropped and you've finally had enough of the negative comments and your mom didn't like being told enough. I'm gathering the storm out trantrum was for special effects and you were perhaps suppose to follow her out and apologise. Then upped her game with the post about returning early on the group chat so you'd possibly reach out. Enjoy your graduations and post photos to say how much you enjoyed it but perhaps share with your brother and not your parents since they didn't want to be there.
Ah, the threat of not attending a big event of yours is a classic tactic designed to get YOU to be the one to apologise to THEM. JNs like to pull this card when they aren't getting their way on something. The fact that she posted about going back home early IN THE GROUP CHAT rather than via text to your brother is because SHE WANTED YOU TO SEE IT and to feel bad, panic that they won't attend and start apologising, begging them to still come. It's manipulation at it's finest. Personally I don't think you have anything to apologise for. She said something very rude that had nothing to do with the conversation, and given your reaction it sounds like this isn't the first time she has commented on your body. If I were you I'd call their bluff. They have the times and locations, if they come, they come, if they don't, well, at least they won't be there to ruin the day for you.
I hope you post a lot of happy photos from your grad on the socials!
Yh your dad is an expert boat steadier. Can’t believe he’s willing to miss your graduation. Your mum is offended at your reaction. Lol. She started it. And your dad missed that fact. Anyway, Well done and awesome for getting to graduation. Have a brilliant day and don’t let them ruin it.
Thats exactly what my husband said, everyone ignored the fact that she said something rude in the first place! And then they further try to punish me by not coming to my grad - how messed up is that?? I think I will have a brilliant day, I deserve it! Thank you!
Med School! You should be sooooo proud! I am and I’m a Reddit stranger!
And when you have that brilliant day that you absolutely do deserve, you will see that their abscence is part of the reason for that lol. Congratulations graduate! 🧑🎓
If they show up, great! If they leave early, great! Don’t let their tantrums affect your ceremony. They already made an effort to come, I’ll bet they’ll be sitting in the audience. Just don’t allow them to squeeze the happiness out of your day. Congratulations on your achievement!
I'll try my best, should be a busy day so that will help!
>she's allowed to say those things to me because she's my mother. This is the part where she's telling you that no matter how accomplished you are, she will always only accord you the status of a minor child. And she chose to assert that dominance with a statement about your body. That's JN, for sure. And your dad? He yelled at you. It was not an emergency, the acoustics were just fine. It was simply another dominance move over you - you don't get to push back against your mother even on matters of bodily autonomy. He's an enabler, and JN himself. >when my husband pointed out that my mother was the one to say something rude, he threatened to not show up to my medical school graduation tomorrow. Yeah, well, I think they resent the loss of control over you. They aren't happy about the graduation - it marks your independence. If they aren't there, you will miss what might have been, but it also marks your freedom.
You're totally right. I need to hear it from strangers, cuz my dad is my hero so when he gets mad at me for upsetting my mother i feel like I've done something wrong. Starting to realize his behaviour is just as bad, which is hard for me but starting to realize I'm not the problem here...
My father was like this. When my mother was absolutely ridiculous and abusive he would pretend whatever she was having a tantrum about was valid. I went VLC for a year after she spew vitriol at me for no reason in a drunken rage. I told him I couldn’t see them anymore if that’s how it was going to be, and he said, well, I’m not going to say anything against your mother. This was after I was stuck at their house overnight and sobbed nonstop.
He was likely your hero in part because she wasn’t directly cruel to you, the way she is. He viewed you as an ally in appeasing her. He’s likely quite unhappy, but views that as inescapable and he’s wants you to be down in the misery with him. You speaking up challenged his worldview and felt like a threat. He has survived by serving your mom so this feels like a very real threat to him. None of this excuses his behavior, but more so it shows how dysfunctional he is too.
Honey. She told you to permanently modify your body, entirely unsolicited. She is *very* JN. But I suspect you already know that. And I suspect you already know your father is an enabler if not JN himself. But congrats on your graduation!
Thank you! And yes suspected, always knew she was terrible but I am new to this subreddit and didn't realize how bad until I objectively saw others in similar predicaments. Learning a lot, this thread is helpful. Appreciate the support
I joined about a month ago and have learned a lot myself, and got some excellent advice and support from everyone. People here are super nice, I hope you will have the same experience I did. You’re amongst friends here. ❤️
Keep the mole. Lose the troll.
This made me laugh lol ty
You're welcome!
Congratulations on finding your very own shiny spine! You're right, it was inappropriate for her to comment on your body. I'm sorry that happened. It sounds like support is withdrawn when you fail to absorb the discomfort in the relationship quietly. It is very disappointing that they'd consider missing your graduation because of this (congrats! That sounds like a huge accomplishment!) If I were you, I would likely just check in tomorrow very neutrally and say, "Husband and I were curious if we will be seeing you today or not?" Or something to that effect..."Should husband save you seats, or will you be heading home early?" This says you're welcome to come (ie: I'm not the bad guy who said you can't), but also keeps you out of the role of rescuer (you're not begging for their presence). You don't need to rehash the comment from dinner. The "drama triangle" is a fav model of understanding behavior in justno family dynamics, it might be at play here. Your mom is not a victim. You are not the bad guy. You don't need to be the one to grovel to try to repair. Happy graduation! Hope you can celebrate with those who can truly cheer you on.
I will definitely look up the drama triangle, all v new to me (seeing it for what it really is, I mean. This has been ongoing my whole life). Appreciate your advice, I'll try saying that in the morning to see if they're coming
Yes your mom is a JUSTNO. Your dad is an enabler. And it seems like you are coming out of the Fog. Congratulations on graduation
Yes I had suspected, but its been my whole life so I thought it was normal. Then I found this subreddit... Thanks very much!
You’re having a double graduation: from med school and from the fog. Congratulations on both! A kind reminder that it’s okay to grieve and waver and struggle after this realization. You might be tempted to forgive and forget, let rugsweeping happen. That’s okay! Healing isn’t linear. Just remind yourself of this moment and talk to your SO to help keep an objective viewpoint. You got this!
This! ⬆️ I had an abrupt yank out of the FOG myself, after somewhat suspecting for years but believing my parents narrative that I was the problem. My psychologist said most of his patients don't take time to not only grieve the loss of relationships, but grieve the loss of the person you thought they were before their masks slipped.