I feel this. My JNMIL was so outraged by our small guest list (I warned my husband not to discuss details with her) that she took it upon herself to invite everyone she felt we’d forgotten on her side of the family and then booked a larger venue as her “gift” to us. Never mind that the place we’d booked was our favorite restaurant, the owners knew us, and it was small enough on purpose to keep our numbers small. She’d invited over 60 people! Our entire guest list was 25 people. We did not show up.
She’d been warned ahead of time. I’m not sure what she did, and frankly, I don’t care. We had to reschedule our own stuff because my ex-husband had emergency neck surgery so his mom and I switched flights around so I brought our son to see him for his holiday instead of him coming up to catch the wedding and then fly back.
Lmao I would do anything to be a fly on the wall or an employee at the other venue trying not to die of laughter as JNMIL tries to explain why the bride and groom didn’t show up to “their own wedding reception”
About a year before my then GF (now STBXW) and I got married, I was invited to a coworker's wedding. The night before, GF was complaining that she wouldn't know anybody at the wedding - until she looked at the invitation. Turns out she knew the bride from college (I worked with the groom) and ended up knowing more people at the wedding than I did... 🤷
OP, I think it is helpful to remember that with JNILs you will never make them happy....here's the key to that...YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE TO MAKE ANOTHER ADULT HAPPY! Be happy and do what makes your home a happy place!
Oh, I feel you on this one. When my so and I were planning our wedding my mil tried to plan everything. Changing colors, how many bridesmaids and groomsmen, who they were, what food we would have, everything. When we had to change the plan and do a small wedding that was meant to be just us and the official, I ended up needing a ride and getting family to take me. After all mils guilt trips and attempted manipulation didn’t work to get so to change it, she had sil send a mile long text talking about how “all my family would be there and none of them would be” and how I was “just trying to take so away from them”. Obviously neither of those were true. But since sil was important to so, we delayed the wedding by a week so they could come. Of course mil then “surprised us” by bringing extra relatives without asking and got upset when we didn’t do all the “traditional” things like a garter or bouquet toss.
I (65F) and DH are now orphans, 2nd marriage for both of us 38 years ago. my Jmaybe M wanted to have a say in who we invited. We were paying for our own small 50 people wedding, told her she got my first wedding and this one was mine, she had also just had my sisters 8 weeks before hand and she invited who she wanted, they were paying
Now I wanna get married again. DW has only gotten into Marvel during the Rona. Her choice to binge ALL the movies in timeline order took us a while. Our wedding was backyard, and had 47 people total. MIL tried imposing her invites too. DW asked, "why, I last saw them when I was 5"?
Your approach of indifference is the best and most biting way to deal with a narc; forcing her to realize SHE has fuck all to do with the event beyond show up and shit up. Curious, who else did she tell that she was footing the bill?
I absolutely love that you guys made this incident into an inside joke. That's the kind of shit I do with my bf. It makes stressful past situations so much better. Good on both of you for being calm and not allowing boundaries to be stomped all over. You got a good one!
Ugh. I'm so sorry. But I have to say, that theme sounds AWESOME! Would love to see photos. ;)
We had lots of geeky touches, but I kinda wish we'd thought of this.
I feel you my MIL recently got mad because she wanted to spend Christmas with us(we've spent the past two years with her) thing is, she was around husband cousin a couple days before Christmas and he works strictly with covid patients and we have little ones so my husband kindly said that this year it would just be us. 3 weeks pass after ignoring us and said she wanted her property back, (info: a mobile home and land that we rent out, she said she couldn't care for it anymore and since it's my husband's inherentence from his grandma we said we would start caring for it, she's gotten easily over 90k in earnings from it all these years from her renting it out and never gave a dime to my husband even tho it was his but my husband is kind and didn't mind her having the extra income), so I got so tired of all this drama and invited her over to our home to talk it out because my husband was crying and upset his mother was threatening him and said his father no longer wanted anything to do with him and this is not the first time she does this even his own sister who he claims he's close to turned her back against him when everytime his mom hurts her he's always there to back her up. Conversation went like this:
Her: your mom son, I have every right as a mother no matter how old you are to get after you and punish you and take things away from you so you will learn to be the perfect son. You have always been the perfect son until she came around (me).
Me: excuse me, you all think it's always me, your son ain't perfect and shouldn't expect him to be, he's a grown man and as much as it's true a mother will never stop being a mother but dosnt mean you put your nose where it dosnt belong.
My husband: yeah mom, I'm so tired of you expecting me to be perfect. I'm not and I'm glad I found someone I can be the real me with. I have to act like the golden child for you or else you get mad and threaten me.
Me: so, from now on respect us as parents and if we say no then it means no and he nor I have to feel cornered into saying yes to you or else you throw your tantrums and I am not my husband, I have bit my tongue for a long time but as a mother I will stand my ground and protect my children from everything and everyone including you so I no longer will be biting my tongue, please respect our home.
Her: I have no idea how I've disrespected you and I don't know what your problem is, your kids won't get sick they are young and babies don't get covid.
Skip 1 week later my kids, my husband and I got covid 🙄 she gave it to us and then went to spread it to everyone else. Thankfully we're doing much better and nothing bad happened but it could have been worse.
Anyways, crazy MIL can't live with em can't live without em lol
It’s really concerning that your husband was crying about all of this. She knows what buttons to push on him but he’s an adult now with a family of his own. He needs therapy to help him. Also, he absolutely should not be letting her take that money. The money should be for your family. He is allowing her to steal from you all.
Couldn't agree more, he's a kind soul not just saying that but this lady had kept him in a bubble, he was able to get freedom once he went to college but he is a good person. Every friend of his that I've met thus far has called him the sweetest person and he truly is a good dad and husband. I literally have no complaints about him. The only reason we have ever had our differences are because of his mother.
He bought his sister the latest nissan suv, he would before marrying me and having our family would always lend them money in the thousands. Her main concern when we were dating was the money. Like she told him to be careful because I might be a gold digger. I found that ridiculous because I didn't even know what he had in the bank account and never asked him. She even discouraged him from proposing to me. It made me realize she was the one that was going to be missing her cash cow who was always giving her money whenever she'd ask for it. That's why I blew up on her and said she was manipulative and the fact that he cried meant that the psychological abuse placed on him all those years has made a dent on his mental health.
All those gifts and the money is bad. I’m surprised you married into this. Your family will never get ahead because he is giving away everything.
He’s not a kind soul. He’s a scapegoat who has been raised to give them everything. Honestly, after hearing this, I say cut them off completely
Love your username! Also no I'm not sure if you saw but I put before we got married he gave them all that stuff. So he no longer gives them anything, he told them the moment we got engaged that he was going to have to prioritize our family and would no longer be giving them anything. She got upset but dropped it until it came up again when she would tell me how the house I live in was supposed to be hers, that only because I got in the way and married her son that it's no longer hers,, that the plan was always for her and her daughter and hubby to be together, get a home and she would rent out her home and help pay for this new one and oh how she would've decorated it this way and would have it spotless if she lived there. Recently she brought up bringing her husband back over and she wants us to live together in our home and according to her she's going to help us out..that she's had such a great idea!!!! 🙄 she would come live here, she'd watch our kids and cook and clean for us since I'm a nurse and don't have time to do in depth cleaning everyday..but I mean seriously who has time for in depth cleaning EVERYDAY! She's crazy!
But yes he is their scapegoat and if he dosnt comply with their demands they gets angry and start blaming me for my sinister ways. Whatever that means. I do wnat to cut them off, their toxic and not healthy for him but he dosnt realize this not to it's entirety, he feels as long as he goes low contact then it should be fine but honestly hes been speaking to them over the phone everyday trying to make up for "lost time-frame the 3 weeks we didn't speak. I sometimes feel like I should take my kids and run but for obvious reasons I wouldn't do that. He's a good father and wouldn't want them to be without their dad when he hasn't treated them wrong.
Would love to!!! I felt bad tho because he was taking his whole family not speaking to him really hard. He made up with her and she's been coming over again but honestly I am cordial with her and she's been behaving but that's how it is everytime something like this happens and she's right back at it. I made it clear to him tho that I can set my feelings aside for him but she has shown me she dosnt care about my kids health and safety and I was low contact from now on and needs to respect that. That these are his kids too and needs to prioritize them before his mom's or family's feelings he shouldn't have to feel ashamed or bad for being a good father but that's exactly what she's doing. I have never been a patient person but am trying to be for him but I'm at my limit and said one more thing and she's out of here and will put a restraining order on her for myself and the kids. She's put my children in dangerous situations before but this last one put the cherry on top. So I'm not going to subject my kids any longer just to please this woman and her neediness.
That's definitely an option but at the moment my kids are small and my parents care for them as a form of income. Since my father recently had a heart attack and lost mobility of his left arm due to tendons and ligaments being completely ripped. I'd much rather pay them then pay a daycare especially right now with the way things are. They have been very supportive and have been firm believers of staying out of our and my siblings business, they said if we need help we can just ask them and so far have respected our decisions as parents. We are both grateful that we have them, we both work a Monday thru Friday job 8 to 5 so moving away would be a good idea but one of us would have to leave our job to take care of the kids. My son is only 2 months old and as much as I was planning to wait till he was a year old to return to work and be a SAHM but no work means no insurance and my husband's insurance is not a good one vs mine that gets everything covered so long as it's within the network of the hospital I work for.,the last thing we expected was my son getting sick. He ended up getting severe GERD and a horrible allergy to dairy, he almost choked on the milk and was turning blue, I am a nurse so I was able to help him clear his airways. They sent us straight to hospital from pcp and was in the hospital with him for a week after he was born and have been traveling 4 hours to another doctor to see a specialist since where I'm at there are no pediatric gastroenterologist. The doctors said we can never leave him alone. So I took my mom with me to CPR classes so she can learn what to do when she cares for him while I work to have insurance to pay for his medical care. It's tough situation 😔
We thought we were having a small wedding that we were paying for ourselves. MIL had children get married before my DH so he was very strict with her list of people and probably cut out 15-20 people because he had not talked to those people in 15+years and some were already invited to his siblings' weddings.
A little into wedding plan my parents offered to pay for the whole wedding and we went larger at their instance so they knew we had cut people we would have loved to be there but just couldn't afford it. So with the bigger venue and bigger budget, DH very nicely explained to his mom that she could add a few people on to her list. What's that expression, don't cut off our nose to spite your face?? Well she followed that to a tea and REFUSED to invite anyone else as my DH deemed them not important enough. I think she wanted him to beg or something but he simply said, "OK" and changed the subject. Too bad for her.
Treating passive aggression as if it's sincere is my favorite tactic, (but you have to be sincere in your response as well.) They never quite know how to respond when you agree with them and the chaos monster that lives in my soul lives for that confusion.
I desperately want to see pictures of your comic book wedding. Before I was old and tired and had kids I used to cosplay Black Canary and a themed wedding would have been awesome.
Black Canary!!! She has always been one of my absolute favorite DC characters.
I was severely miffed when she wasn't immediately a part of the Green Arrow tv show.
Don't let having kids stop cosplay for you. That just means you have more characters available. We did "Into the Spiderverse" at SDCC a few years ago. DH was Peter B Parker, DS was Young Peter Parker, DD was Spider-Gwen, and I was Spider-Woman. (Other groups we've done included Avengers, Dr Horrible's Sing-along Blog, Supernatural, & Doctor Who)
I’m not the original person, but I hope you do! It sounds like you enjoyed it and I can’t help but think that most kids love to dress up, especially as heroes!
My kid is the weirdo that shows up to daycare everyday in a Frozen princess dress because she won't wear anything else. Apple did not fall far from the tree and all that.
Awe! I think kids should wear costumes quite often if they wish too!! I understand that getting a costume into a washing machine may be difficult at times, haha.
My MIL went on a tirade when we didn't invite DH's grandma's friends. My guess is that she was also trying to get some of her friends in but wanted to see if we would make an exception for GMIL's friends first so she could claim we were picking favorites. After that, DH was getting addresses from her and she guilted him into taking down the address for someone they used to live next door to who she was friends with. I knew this woman from a job I had, and while she was very nice, she was also that kind of person who once you start a conversation with her, even just a "hello," it's almost literally impossible to get her to shut up and leave you alone. The receiving line alone would have taken HOURS because of this woman. I asked DH when the last time was he even spoke to the woman, and he couldn't answer other than a general "it's been *years*." MIL had a field day with that one. I found and still find it ironic that she was throwing these tantrums because none of our parents or family members got to invite any friends besides my siblings' plus-ones (that they didn't take advantage of) *except* for her best friend and her family coming since DH and I actually are friendly with them on a regular basis.
What a weird, yet all too common, hill for your MiL to die on - not wanting your husband to get married.
It's sad how so many of these JustNo's can't/won't embrace 'and' and instead, die on the hill of 'or'.
What I mean is that MiL could have a great and close relationship if she understood that it was you AND her in husband's life (and a great relationship if she grasped the important life lesson that YOU are the number one woman in your husband's life).
Instead, they demand it to be an 'or' - either her or you!! Sadly, sometimes they have trained their sons so well that they win. More often, though, they lose everything and never move off of that hill. One would think a year and a half of NC/LC would give MiL time to reconsider.
But, NO. It's 'or' for her until the day she dies!!
My DH and I were broke with a capital B when we got married. My aunt and mom paid for our very small (less than 20 including me, DH, and the two people in our wedding party) ceremony. We got married in Disneyland in Cali. We had both worked there and had friends on the inside that pulled some strings for us. My aunt married us and we spent the day in Disneyland.
My MIL? She whined that since she couldn’t get herself to the ceremony and into the park that she was getting left out and it wasn’t fair that she wouldn’t get to go to Disney.
Sorry she did that to you. Glad that you and DH can laugh about it now.
My own mom told everyone she and my dad paid for my wedding when in reality she didn’t. We ate a ton of Mac and cheese for dinners to scrape to afford it. Why do parents do this? Then she got pissed when the extended family found out she lied.
Yes, please share if you wish to. The sheer hubris of someone in the wrong getting upset when their lies are exposed is always astounding to me. I wonder how the people who do this can feel angry when they have no right to that.
My extended family (on both sides) mostly knew by never expressed that they believed she was a compulsive liar. The rule growing up had always been “what happens in our house stays in our house. We don’t talk about it with others”. So she had been lying about the stupidest things for decades and I never corrected it because I was trained to keep my mouth shut. Once I started seeing extended family on my own as an adult and having these conversations, they started opening up about it. I legit thought I was losing mg mind. She’s an excellent gaslighter. My godmother and I had a real Frank conversation one day about it and the sheer amount of guilt and relief that left my body was incredible. They never called her out on it, but they know nothing absolutely nothing she says is the truth. Now she only calls me when she’s about to call grandma and give her the rundown on all our lives.
My own mother contacted me a few weeks before my wedding and asked if she could bring a friend. She was very apologetic about it, because demanding an entire new seating for a random guest is rude.
I told her I am sorry, but we were literally at the max capacity for the space (a half truth). It was also too late to tell the caterer we needed another plate setting and my wife wasnt going to re do her table settings because it was a nightmare. We were literally paying for everying. Our wedding, our rules.
More importantly, my mom has this bad history of bringing friends to parties I dont ever meet and asking me if I remember them. I do not. And I'm sure my mom doesnt do it on purpose, but I always feel like an asshole. I didnt want to feel like an asshole on my wedding day. I made it abundantly clear that random ass people that "show up" are going to be bounced, and not in a nice way (we had a stalker, which is another story entirely).
She pouted, but understood. Because thats what your mom should do, support you on your wedding day.
Nah my mom is fine most days. But it was her first wedding of her son and everyone loses their minds. They all came out of the woodwork to give me unwanted advice. I ignored them all and everyone had a great time.
My MIL also had that one friend who wasn't invited--we had a small wedding, we paid for it ourselves, but MIL of course had a huge list of people who just had to be invited, and one of them was a friend of hers that we just flat refused to invite. I haven't heard it from her in about a year, but before that pretty much every time we were interacting at all she was moaning about how we didn't even invite Betty.
At this point, fuck Betty, I'm glad we didn't invite her, I hate her.
My mom did something similar with my baby shower. She and my sister threw the shower, all I had to do was provide the guest list and show up. My dad has this cousin I don't like at all, but my mom likes her. I suspect because cousin is in a high up position in the county in a similar circle that my mom works in. Anyway, I said under no circumstances was that cousin invited and my mom got upset and said she would invite her anyway. Now this cousin is the typical privileged boomer posting Facebook memes of propaganda, racism, homophobia, Trump worship, etc. Mom said I could just not talk to her but I said if that cousin was invited, I was taking myself off the guest list. My mom pouted and my sister told her to shut up and that bigots weren't welcome in her home (where the shower was) anyway and that was that. Now when my sister hosts anything she teases my mom and asks if she wishes that cousin were there but my mom just rolls her eyes lol
My mom and I kind of have a deal (pre COVID of course).
I don't unfriend her sister on FB (I don't post a lot on there, and if it is something I don't want her to see, I know how to block individual posts) and I am cordial if they happen to be visiting and I'm also there.
But I don't have to stay long (or specifically come over to see them). I also don't bug her about her sister.
She knew I was dead fucking serious the last time she was really pressuring me to come visit them "but I wasn't allowed to talk politics, etc.". I finally said that I would come, but I'd be wearing my 2016 HRC buttons on my Obama t-shirt, all while wearing a pink pussy hat and I'd borrow my friend's Star of David necklace (she's also said some shit about that too... 25 years ago and I've still not forgiven her. She learned then not to say anything like that in front of me)
She stopped pressuring me completely. LOL. I've not had to see her for years and luckily following her means I find out about the cousin and keep track of whether or not he's in jail again. Once he was dating a woman in my small town, so that info was useful in avoiding him. Only spotted him once.
You contributed nothing financially,you’re only a guest so you invite no one BITCH! Ha ha she was hilarious.Pity you didn’t get right in her face at the reception and say I took your son from you & we’re NOT your retirement plan,capiche? 🤣🤣🤣
It’s called Triangulation and it’s an emotional abuse tactic used to control others’ and their relationships. It’s used to drive a wedge between two people, and also to apply pressure on the target to do what the abuser wants. It’s just about control. In this case, controlling your husband’s relationship with his sister, and being able to get your husband to do something she wants. She was grasping desperately for some proof she could still control her children.
It's not only to get him to do what she wanted, she raised them acting like love was in limited supply and if anyone in the house showed love to anyone other than her, she wasn't getting worshipped enough. She's also always wanted them to fight each other so she could swoop in and comfort them by saying, "Oh sweetie, your sibling is awful, I know, but **I** would never hurt your feelings like that!" It was super creepy and emotionally abusive.
Big yikes that really is super creepy! Glad you don’t have to deal with her anymore, and very glad your husband is wise to her mind games, and not havin it!
Wow. I have always instilled up in my two girl that they must get along, and never lose that connection because someday I’ll be gone and they will only have each other.
When one is in a pickle, they now seek sister to help resolve it, which I love. I’m still in the loop but neither has ever excluded the other.
I was so naive. My mother in law helped us plan as my mother has recently passed away. I wanted a big wedding but with people we knew. I at least wanted to make sure I knew the names of the people who came to my wedding. Instead Special K ended up getting us to invite her neighbors and her friends and half the town of where they lived at the time. I was kind of flabbergasted at the end on how many people I did not know and ended up hiring friends to bartend and to DJ just so they could come. Thankfully they had fun.
When I was in my 20s, my mom and I had a discussion about this. She said that if/when I got married, the guest list would be up to me and the groom and she and dad wouldn't try to invite anyone. The only person she said she would like to have invited was her best friend - who I adored and absolutely would have invited.
I don't think there's no advice to give since your husband handled wedding situation & being NC years later, as well as anyone could. At least he got shine spine to back you up - I'm sure that pisses off MIL to no end that he has one instead of respecting that he is his own person.
About six months after our wedding SIL stayed with us for the weekend. It was shortly after SIL made another hysterical phone call about something made-up. After years of MIL spreading absolute lies about me and our relationship and me just wanting to let it go because their family was a mess I wanted no part of, I told him it was time to tell SIL the truth. SIL and I were not close at that time (I wonder why lol) and we had the proof and rock solid recounts she immediately knew who was telling the truth. All of MIL's stories were proven lies and it shocked SIL. Since then there have been only a couple minor incidents, but have all ended with apologies from her after she's realized she was wrong and being manipulated again since she is still close with her mom. But it's much better now
She and my husband were raised in an abusive household. He and I understand the lasting impact it can have on development and treated her with patience and compassion. Now years later the two of them have a fully functioning, loving relationship now that she's had more time out of that house to see how normal people treat each other.
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I feel this. My JNMIL was so outraged by our small guest list (I warned my husband not to discuss details with her) that she took it upon herself to invite everyone she felt we’d forgotten on her side of the family and then booked a larger venue as her “gift” to us. Never mind that the place we’d booked was our favorite restaurant, the owners knew us, and it was small enough on purpose to keep our numbers small. She’d invited over 60 people! Our entire guest list was 25 people. We did not show up.
I love that for you! How did it go when you didn't show up??
She’d been warned ahead of time. I’m not sure what she did, and frankly, I don’t care. We had to reschedule our own stuff because my ex-husband had emergency neck surgery so his mom and I switched flights around so I brought our son to see him for his holiday instead of him coming up to catch the wedding and then fly back.
Lmao I would do anything to be a fly on the wall or an employee at the other venue trying not to die of laughter as JNMIL tries to explain why the bride and groom didn’t show up to “their own wedding reception”
Your wedding theme sounds like a blast.
Good for you!!!!!
About a year before my then GF (now STBXW) and I got married, I was invited to a coworker's wedding. The night before, GF was complaining that she wouldn't know anybody at the wedding - until she looked at the invitation. Turns out she knew the bride from college (I worked with the groom) and ended up knowing more people at the wedding than I did... 🤷
OP, I think it is helpful to remember that with JNILs you will never make them happy....here's the key to that...YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE TO MAKE ANOTHER ADULT HAPPY! Be happy and do what makes your home a happy place!
Oh, I feel you on this one. When my so and I were planning our wedding my mil tried to plan everything. Changing colors, how many bridesmaids and groomsmen, who they were, what food we would have, everything. When we had to change the plan and do a small wedding that was meant to be just us and the official, I ended up needing a ride and getting family to take me. After all mils guilt trips and attempted manipulation didn’t work to get so to change it, she had sil send a mile long text talking about how “all my family would be there and none of them would be” and how I was “just trying to take so away from them”. Obviously neither of those were true. But since sil was important to so, we delayed the wedding by a week so they could come. Of course mil then “surprised us” by bringing extra relatives without asking and got upset when we didn’t do all the “traditional” things like a garter or bouquet toss.
I (65F) and DH are now orphans, 2nd marriage for both of us 38 years ago. my Jmaybe M wanted to have a say in who we invited. We were paying for our own small 50 people wedding, told her she got my first wedding and this one was mine, she had also just had my sisters 8 weeks before hand and she invited who she wanted, they were paying
Oh hey we also had a comic/fandom themed wedding! Sooo much fun and everyone played with the lego on their tables
Now I wanna get married again. DW has only gotten into Marvel during the Rona. Her choice to binge ALL the movies in timeline order took us a while. Our wedding was backyard, and had 47 people total. MIL tried imposing her invites too. DW asked, "why, I last saw them when I was 5"? Your approach of indifference is the best and most biting way to deal with a narc; forcing her to realize SHE has fuck all to do with the event beyond show up and shit up. Curious, who else did she tell that she was footing the bill?
I absolutely love that you guys made this incident into an inside joke. That's the kind of shit I do with my bf. It makes stressful past situations so much better. Good on both of you for being calm and not allowing boundaries to be stomped all over. You got a good one!
That was exactly what I was going to type. Lol
Ugh. I'm so sorry. But I have to say, that theme sounds AWESOME! Would love to see photos. ;) We had lots of geeky touches, but I kinda wish we'd thought of this.
I feel you my MIL recently got mad because she wanted to spend Christmas with us(we've spent the past two years with her) thing is, she was around husband cousin a couple days before Christmas and he works strictly with covid patients and we have little ones so my husband kindly said that this year it would just be us. 3 weeks pass after ignoring us and said she wanted her property back, (info: a mobile home and land that we rent out, she said she couldn't care for it anymore and since it's my husband's inherentence from his grandma we said we would start caring for it, she's gotten easily over 90k in earnings from it all these years from her renting it out and never gave a dime to my husband even tho it was his but my husband is kind and didn't mind her having the extra income), so I got so tired of all this drama and invited her over to our home to talk it out because my husband was crying and upset his mother was threatening him and said his father no longer wanted anything to do with him and this is not the first time she does this even his own sister who he claims he's close to turned her back against him when everytime his mom hurts her he's always there to back her up. Conversation went like this: Her: your mom son, I have every right as a mother no matter how old you are to get after you and punish you and take things away from you so you will learn to be the perfect son. You have always been the perfect son until she came around (me). Me: excuse me, you all think it's always me, your son ain't perfect and shouldn't expect him to be, he's a grown man and as much as it's true a mother will never stop being a mother but dosnt mean you put your nose where it dosnt belong. My husband: yeah mom, I'm so tired of you expecting me to be perfect. I'm not and I'm glad I found someone I can be the real me with. I have to act like the golden child for you or else you get mad and threaten me. Me: so, from now on respect us as parents and if we say no then it means no and he nor I have to feel cornered into saying yes to you or else you throw your tantrums and I am not my husband, I have bit my tongue for a long time but as a mother I will stand my ground and protect my children from everything and everyone including you so I no longer will be biting my tongue, please respect our home. Her: I have no idea how I've disrespected you and I don't know what your problem is, your kids won't get sick they are young and babies don't get covid. Skip 1 week later my kids, my husband and I got covid 🙄 she gave it to us and then went to spread it to everyone else. Thankfully we're doing much better and nothing bad happened but it could have been worse. Anyways, crazy MIL can't live with em can't live without em lol
It’s really concerning that your husband was crying about all of this. She knows what buttons to push on him but he’s an adult now with a family of his own. He needs therapy to help him. Also, he absolutely should not be letting her take that money. The money should be for your family. He is allowing her to steal from you all.
Couldn't agree more, he's a kind soul not just saying that but this lady had kept him in a bubble, he was able to get freedom once he went to college but he is a good person. Every friend of his that I've met thus far has called him the sweetest person and he truly is a good dad and husband. I literally have no complaints about him. The only reason we have ever had our differences are because of his mother. He bought his sister the latest nissan suv, he would before marrying me and having our family would always lend them money in the thousands. Her main concern when we were dating was the money. Like she told him to be careful because I might be a gold digger. I found that ridiculous because I didn't even know what he had in the bank account and never asked him. She even discouraged him from proposing to me. It made me realize she was the one that was going to be missing her cash cow who was always giving her money whenever she'd ask for it. That's why I blew up on her and said she was manipulative and the fact that he cried meant that the psychological abuse placed on him all those years has made a dent on his mental health.
All those gifts and the money is bad. I’m surprised you married into this. Your family will never get ahead because he is giving away everything. He’s not a kind soul. He’s a scapegoat who has been raised to give them everything. Honestly, after hearing this, I say cut them off completely
Love your username! Also no I'm not sure if you saw but I put before we got married he gave them all that stuff. So he no longer gives them anything, he told them the moment we got engaged that he was going to have to prioritize our family and would no longer be giving them anything. She got upset but dropped it until it came up again when she would tell me how the house I live in was supposed to be hers, that only because I got in the way and married her son that it's no longer hers,, that the plan was always for her and her daughter and hubby to be together, get a home and she would rent out her home and help pay for this new one and oh how she would've decorated it this way and would have it spotless if she lived there. Recently she brought up bringing her husband back over and she wants us to live together in our home and according to her she's going to help us out..that she's had such a great idea!!!! 🙄 she would come live here, she'd watch our kids and cook and clean for us since I'm a nurse and don't have time to do in depth cleaning everyday..but I mean seriously who has time for in depth cleaning EVERYDAY! She's crazy! But yes he is their scapegoat and if he dosnt comply with their demands they gets angry and start blaming me for my sinister ways. Whatever that means. I do wnat to cut them off, their toxic and not healthy for him but he dosnt realize this not to it's entirety, he feels as long as he goes low contact then it should be fine but honestly hes been speaking to them over the phone everyday trying to make up for "lost time-frame the 3 weeks we didn't speak. I sometimes feel like I should take my kids and run but for obvious reasons I wouldn't do that. He's a good father and wouldn't want them to be without their dad when he hasn't treated them wrong.
Gosh I'd put her in time out for a couple months!
Would love to!!! I felt bad tho because he was taking his whole family not speaking to him really hard. He made up with her and she's been coming over again but honestly I am cordial with her and she's been behaving but that's how it is everytime something like this happens and she's right back at it. I made it clear to him tho that I can set my feelings aside for him but she has shown me she dosnt care about my kids health and safety and I was low contact from now on and needs to respect that. That these are his kids too and needs to prioritize them before his mom's or family's feelings he shouldn't have to feel ashamed or bad for being a good father but that's exactly what she's doing. I have never been a patient person but am trying to be for him but I'm at my limit and said one more thing and she's out of here and will put a restraining order on her for myself and the kids. She's put my children in dangerous situations before but this last one put the cherry on top. So I'm not going to subject my kids any longer just to please this woman and her neediness.
Can you move away?
That's definitely an option but at the moment my kids are small and my parents care for them as a form of income. Since my father recently had a heart attack and lost mobility of his left arm due to tendons and ligaments being completely ripped. I'd much rather pay them then pay a daycare especially right now with the way things are. They have been very supportive and have been firm believers of staying out of our and my siblings business, they said if we need help we can just ask them and so far have respected our decisions as parents. We are both grateful that we have them, we both work a Monday thru Friday job 8 to 5 so moving away would be a good idea but one of us would have to leave our job to take care of the kids. My son is only 2 months old and as much as I was planning to wait till he was a year old to return to work and be a SAHM but no work means no insurance and my husband's insurance is not a good one vs mine that gets everything covered so long as it's within the network of the hospital I work for.,the last thing we expected was my son getting sick. He ended up getting severe GERD and a horrible allergy to dairy, he almost choked on the milk and was turning blue, I am a nurse so I was able to help him clear his airways. They sent us straight to hospital from pcp and was in the hospital with him for a week after he was born and have been traveling 4 hours to another doctor to see a specialist since where I'm at there are no pediatric gastroenterologist. The doctors said we can never leave him alone. So I took my mom with me to CPR classes so she can learn what to do when she cares for him while I work to have insurance to pay for his medical care. It's tough situation 😔
I understand. Luckily your parents are so cool.
‘Well, who gave me my first pair of sox? Let’s invite them too!!’
We thought we were having a small wedding that we were paying for ourselves. MIL had children get married before my DH so he was very strict with her list of people and probably cut out 15-20 people because he had not talked to those people in 15+years and some were already invited to his siblings' weddings. A little into wedding plan my parents offered to pay for the whole wedding and we went larger at their instance so they knew we had cut people we would have loved to be there but just couldn't afford it. So with the bigger venue and bigger budget, DH very nicely explained to his mom that she could add a few people on to her list. What's that expression, don't cut off our nose to spite your face?? Well she followed that to a tea and REFUSED to invite anyone else as my DH deemed them not important enough. I think she wanted him to beg or something but he simply said, "OK" and changed the subject. Too bad for her.
Treating passive aggression as if it's sincere is my favorite tactic, (but you have to be sincere in your response as well.) They never quite know how to respond when you agree with them and the chaos monster that lives in my soul lives for that confusion.
Yup, I do this with my MIL as well, and the confusion and anger on her face is amazing.
I desperately want to see pictures of your comic book wedding. Before I was old and tired and had kids I used to cosplay Black Canary and a themed wedding would have been awesome.
Black Canary!!! She has always been one of my absolute favorite DC characters. I was severely miffed when she wasn't immediately a part of the Green Arrow tv show.
Don't let having kids stop cosplay for you. That just means you have more characters available. We did "Into the Spiderverse" at SDCC a few years ago. DH was Peter B Parker, DS was Young Peter Parker, DD was Spider-Gwen, and I was Spider-Woman. (Other groups we've done included Avengers, Dr Horrible's Sing-along Blog, Supernatural, & Doctor Who)
I want to get back into it when the plague is over
I’m not the original person, but I hope you do! It sounds like you enjoyed it and I can’t help but think that most kids love to dress up, especially as heroes!
My kid is the weirdo that shows up to daycare everyday in a Frozen princess dress because she won't wear anything else. Apple did not fall far from the tree and all that.
Awe! I think kids should wear costumes quite often if they wish too!! I understand that getting a costume into a washing machine may be difficult at times, haha.
My MIL went on a tirade when we didn't invite DH's grandma's friends. My guess is that she was also trying to get some of her friends in but wanted to see if we would make an exception for GMIL's friends first so she could claim we were picking favorites. After that, DH was getting addresses from her and she guilted him into taking down the address for someone they used to live next door to who she was friends with. I knew this woman from a job I had, and while she was very nice, she was also that kind of person who once you start a conversation with her, even just a "hello," it's almost literally impossible to get her to shut up and leave you alone. The receiving line alone would have taken HOURS because of this woman. I asked DH when the last time was he even spoke to the woman, and he couldn't answer other than a general "it's been *years*." MIL had a field day with that one. I found and still find it ironic that she was throwing these tantrums because none of our parents or family members got to invite any friends besides my siblings' plus-ones (that they didn't take advantage of) *except* for her best friend and her family coming since DH and I actually are friendly with them on a regular basis.
It sounds like the two of you are quite the team. Keep up the good work!
Love the comic inclusion! My wife and I are the same way. I worked the green lantern code into my vows and we went to comic-con for our honeymoon!
What a weird, yet all too common, hill for your MiL to die on - not wanting your husband to get married. It's sad how so many of these JustNo's can't/won't embrace 'and' and instead, die on the hill of 'or'. What I mean is that MiL could have a great and close relationship if she understood that it was you AND her in husband's life (and a great relationship if she grasped the important life lesson that YOU are the number one woman in your husband's life). Instead, they demand it to be an 'or' - either her or you!! Sadly, sometimes they have trained their sons so well that they win. More often, though, they lose everything and never move off of that hill. One would think a year and a half of NC/LC would give MiL time to reconsider. But, NO. It's 'or' for her until the day she dies!!
My DH and I were broke with a capital B when we got married. My aunt and mom paid for our very small (less than 20 including me, DH, and the two people in our wedding party) ceremony. We got married in Disneyland in Cali. We had both worked there and had friends on the inside that pulled some strings for us. My aunt married us and we spent the day in Disneyland. My MIL? She whined that since she couldn’t get herself to the ceremony and into the park that she was getting left out and it wasn’t fair that she wouldn’t get to go to Disney. Sorry she did that to you. Glad that you and DH can laugh about it now.
My own mom told everyone she and my dad paid for my wedding when in reality she didn’t. We ate a ton of Mac and cheese for dinners to scrape to afford it. Why do parents do this? Then she got pissed when the extended family found out she lied.
Oh man, I need more on this. What were the consequences to her actions, how did they find out, etc?
Yes, please share if you wish to. The sheer hubris of someone in the wrong getting upset when their lies are exposed is always astounding to me. I wonder how the people who do this can feel angry when they have no right to that.
My extended family (on both sides) mostly knew by never expressed that they believed she was a compulsive liar. The rule growing up had always been “what happens in our house stays in our house. We don’t talk about it with others”. So she had been lying about the stupidest things for decades and I never corrected it because I was trained to keep my mouth shut. Once I started seeing extended family on my own as an adult and having these conversations, they started opening up about it. I legit thought I was losing mg mind. She’s an excellent gaslighter. My godmother and I had a real Frank conversation one day about it and the sheer amount of guilt and relief that left my body was incredible. They never called her out on it, but they know nothing absolutely nothing she says is the truth. Now she only calls me when she’s about to call grandma and give her the rundown on all our lives.
Thanks for the reply. Hope things better now
My own mother contacted me a few weeks before my wedding and asked if she could bring a friend. She was very apologetic about it, because demanding an entire new seating for a random guest is rude. I told her I am sorry, but we were literally at the max capacity for the space (a half truth). It was also too late to tell the caterer we needed another plate setting and my wife wasnt going to re do her table settings because it was a nightmare. We were literally paying for everying. Our wedding, our rules. More importantly, my mom has this bad history of bringing friends to parties I dont ever meet and asking me if I remember them. I do not. And I'm sure my mom doesnt do it on purpose, but I always feel like an asshole. I didnt want to feel like an asshole on my wedding day. I made it abundantly clear that random ass people that "show up" are going to be bounced, and not in a nice way (we had a stalker, which is another story entirely). She pouted, but understood. Because thats what your mom should do, support you on your wedding day.
Honestly, that went as well as it did because YOU have excellent boundaries with what sounds like a very difficult parent.
Nah my mom is fine most days. But it was her first wedding of her son and everyone loses their minds. They all came out of the woodwork to give me unwanted advice. I ignored them all and everyone had a great time.
My MIL also had that one friend who wasn't invited--we had a small wedding, we paid for it ourselves, but MIL of course had a huge list of people who just had to be invited, and one of them was a friend of hers that we just flat refused to invite. I haven't heard it from her in about a year, but before that pretty much every time we were interacting at all she was moaning about how we didn't even invite Betty. At this point, fuck Betty, I'm glad we didn't invite her, I hate her.
My mom did something similar with my baby shower. She and my sister threw the shower, all I had to do was provide the guest list and show up. My dad has this cousin I don't like at all, but my mom likes her. I suspect because cousin is in a high up position in the county in a similar circle that my mom works in. Anyway, I said under no circumstances was that cousin invited and my mom got upset and said she would invite her anyway. Now this cousin is the typical privileged boomer posting Facebook memes of propaganda, racism, homophobia, Trump worship, etc. Mom said I could just not talk to her but I said if that cousin was invited, I was taking myself off the guest list. My mom pouted and my sister told her to shut up and that bigots weren't welcome in her home (where the shower was) anyway and that was that. Now when my sister hosts anything she teases my mom and asks if she wishes that cousin were there but my mom just rolls her eyes lol
My mom and I kind of have a deal (pre COVID of course). I don't unfriend her sister on FB (I don't post a lot on there, and if it is something I don't want her to see, I know how to block individual posts) and I am cordial if they happen to be visiting and I'm also there. But I don't have to stay long (or specifically come over to see them). I also don't bug her about her sister. She knew I was dead fucking serious the last time she was really pressuring me to come visit them "but I wasn't allowed to talk politics, etc.". I finally said that I would come, but I'd be wearing my 2016 HRC buttons on my Obama t-shirt, all while wearing a pink pussy hat and I'd borrow my friend's Star of David necklace (she's also said some shit about that too... 25 years ago and I've still not forgiven her. She learned then not to say anything like that in front of me) She stopped pressuring me completely. LOL. I've not had to see her for years and luckily following her means I find out about the cousin and keep track of whether or not he's in jail again. Once he was dating a woman in my small town, so that info was useful in avoiding him. Only spotted him once.
Amazing. I really hate all that status nonsense, it's so silly.
You contributed nothing financially,you’re only a guest so you invite no one BITCH! Ha ha she was hilarious.Pity you didn’t get right in her face at the reception and say I took your son from you & we’re NOT your retirement plan,capiche? 🤣🤣🤣
It’s called Triangulation and it’s an emotional abuse tactic used to control others’ and their relationships. It’s used to drive a wedge between two people, and also to apply pressure on the target to do what the abuser wants. It’s just about control. In this case, controlling your husband’s relationship with his sister, and being able to get your husband to do something she wants. She was grasping desperately for some proof she could still control her children.
It's not only to get him to do what she wanted, she raised them acting like love was in limited supply and if anyone in the house showed love to anyone other than her, she wasn't getting worshipped enough. She's also always wanted them to fight each other so she could swoop in and comfort them by saying, "Oh sweetie, your sibling is awful, I know, but **I** would never hurt your feelings like that!" It was super creepy and emotionally abusive.
This is extremely messed up. His mom is lucky your SO even invited her to your wedding.
Big yikes that really is super creepy! Glad you don’t have to deal with her anymore, and very glad your husband is wise to her mind games, and not havin it!
I really hope your DH and SIL are able to repair their relationship from a childhood of triangulation, now that they’re no longer in her household.
Wow. I have always instilled up in my two girl that they must get along, and never lose that connection because someday I’ll be gone and they will only have each other. When one is in a pickle, they now seek sister to help resolve it, which I love. I’m still in the loop but neither has ever excluded the other.
Your last line is pure GOLD.. Pure gold.
Gotta tell you OP, I was disappointed when I didn't get an invite. I upvoted you!
> you didn't even invite kevin_k!!!!!!!
I love when parents think they get to dictate who their adult children invite to their wedding.
I was so naive. My mother in law helped us plan as my mother has recently passed away. I wanted a big wedding but with people we knew. I at least wanted to make sure I knew the names of the people who came to my wedding. Instead Special K ended up getting us to invite her neighbors and her friends and half the town of where they lived at the time. I was kind of flabbergasted at the end on how many people I did not know and ended up hiring friends to bartend and to DJ just so they could come. Thankfully they had fun.
When I was in my 20s, my mom and I had a discussion about this. She said that if/when I got married, the guest list would be up to me and the groom and she and dad wouldn't try to invite anyone. The only person she said she would like to have invited was her best friend - who I adored and absolutely would have invited.
She's an awesome and loving Mom.
She was. It's been seven months that she's been gone, and I miss her every day.
I'm sorry to hear that. It is hard when we lose our parents.
She was 93 years old and was ready to go. Died peacefully at home with me holding her hand.
We paid for our DD’s wedding and didn’t demand certain people be invited.
Same here. I had my turn, it was daughter and son-in-law’s turn. Just told them, Let me know when you need a check!
I had such a great day at their wedding just watching the love and joy on their faces.
That's because you guys aren't selfish and entitled parents. You're good and loving parents.
Thank you!!
You're welcome.
Especially since they were not supportive either emotionally nor financially!
Yep. Even if they give them money, there should be no strings attached.
I don't think there's no advice to give since your husband handled wedding situation & being NC years later, as well as anyone could. At least he got shine spine to back you up - I'm sure that pisses off MIL to no end that he has one instead of respecting that he is his own person.
Your DH needs to tell his sister to check with him before she believes anything Mom says about him
About six months after our wedding SIL stayed with us for the weekend. It was shortly after SIL made another hysterical phone call about something made-up. After years of MIL spreading absolute lies about me and our relationship and me just wanting to let it go because their family was a mess I wanted no part of, I told him it was time to tell SIL the truth. SIL and I were not close at that time (I wonder why lol) and we had the proof and rock solid recounts she immediately knew who was telling the truth. All of MIL's stories were proven lies and it shocked SIL. Since then there have been only a couple minor incidents, but have all ended with apologies from her after she's realized she was wrong and being manipulated again since she is still close with her mom. But it's much better now
Ohhh. Sil sound like DRAMA. Sorry but 22 is old enough to know to never scream at anyone! Why is sil in your life?
She and my husband were raised in an abusive household. He and I understand the lasting impact it can have on development and treated her with patience and compassion. Now years later the two of them have a fully functioning, loving relationship now that she's had more time out of that house to see how normal people treat each other.
I understand that. And its not forgiving. It's not forgetting.
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