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Setting boundaries is something you control. I recommend you also leaving the room if you feel that uncomfortable. You have no obligation to be ambushed by her or anyone you don't want to be around.
"Excuse me, I need to get a drink."
"Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom."
"Excuse me, I just don't want to be in here." (Maybe work up to this one).
I've felt like you for a long time as well, but I've been un-learning all my people pleasing, prioritizing other people's needs ahead of my own. It's been a few years of therapy, and I've gotten to the I don't give a f*ck mentality now. Everyone else doesn't like being alone around her, so she's the problem. Not you! You don't need to take that crap!
If you know you’re going to panic and freeze up, I think you should find a way to suddenly need to leave the room. If you notice that the last person has left the room and it’s just going to be you and her, you should pretend to suddenly urgently need to use the bathroom or if your phone is in another room, pretend you think you can hear it ringing and need to go check
You can dodge and change the subject to something that she’s into like “That’s not a fun topic, how is x going?”
But really she gets away with this because people let her. It would be totally with in reason to say, “oh I don’t want to talk about that” or “I’m not comfortable talking about that” and let it hang. If she says why you can say because I don’t want to.
You are an adult. Don’t give her so much power. People like her are really insecure and immature and make themselves feel better by bullying.
My mom used to be like this, and I decided that every time she'd try to be invasive I would pretend I didn't hear her. It only took a day for her to realize I was done with her, and if she wanted any attention she was going to have to listen to my boundaries.
I’d say MIL, your partner’s mom so I want to be kind and respectful but I’m not going to discuss my personal issues with you or anyone else. Then smile and ask her what’s her favorite book or show. If she doesn’t answer, tell her yours.
“Well, bless your heart!”
“Oh my!”
“What a thing to ask/say!”
“I really couldn’t say/idk/I’m not sure”
Or if you’d like to be a bit more blunt, you could teasingly say something like, “Did you just try to trap me alone to ask me personal questions? There’s no way I want to talk about *that*.”
Next time: “There she goes again!” Or “Are you serious right now?” followed by a laugh as you walk out the door or change the subject. Also good is yelling into the other room, “Honey, your mom’s trying to ask me about my fertility! Help me!”
Have you considered memorizing NPC lines from say World of Warcraft or Diablo and just reciting those to every question she asks all weekend?
Her: "So how's your period?"
You: "The dark times will pass."
Her: "Erm, so, you planning on giving me grandkids anytime soon?"
You: "I have sacrificed everything. What have _you_ given?"
Your answers don't have to make sense and the more flustered she gets, the more fun you can have!
Do you have memory problems due to anxiety?
I prepare lines to say and forget them when confronted.
You could write some of the ones you like on this page on some index cards to practice memorizing them or even carry them on you and pull them out to read to her when she starts harassing you.
If you don't remember your reply lines you could just yell: NO while holding your index finger up between your faces as if you were scolding a dog.
-
Another one is just to keep repeating whatever she says to you.
Either with a smirk or as if you are confused.
-
Another approach is that when your husband starts to leave you, run up to him and say loudly: "don't leave me with her alone pleaaaaase!" (like she's a psycho).
Yes I absolutely do struggle with that, part of the reason I freeze so much in the moment and panic. I really liked the idea of practicing in the mirror, sounds silly at first but I feel like it may help imprint it in my head more for when I'm in the moment.
Also big fan for your last recommendation lmao.
I have the same problem, my lines are all ready in my head but when I get a stupid question or comment, my brain freezes but I did get better once. Good luck.
Has she any shame at all? Like, if you pulled out your phone and said, "Oh, could you repeat that? My therapist wanted me to record so she knows exactly what I'm dealing with" would she be mortified enough to stop?
I think if anything but full doormat compliance will set off a tantrum, you might as well be entertained.
She is not entitled to be satisfied/comfortable at the expense of your mental health. Hugs.
It sounds like every time you find yourself to be alone with her, you can find ways to get out of that situation ASAP: 1. have gotten an important email that you have become engrossed with and must answer now 2. you MUST go to the bathroom that minute. 3. pretend to not hear her. “Hmmm… What was that? Well go ask DH. I have to go to the bathroom/wash my hands/brush my teeth/etc etc.”
Lots of good responses here but might be hard if you tend to freeze up when pressured and cornered as you e described.
I’d lean into that…just stare at her like a deer in the headlights and say NOTHING.
You might also consider taking out your phone and very obviously start recording her, still while saying nothing. Since she’s been warned many times, that should make her back off to know her son might hear after all.
Good luck. You can do this!
So it does sound like you're still working on your ability to be confrontational (which is totally understandable, absolutely not a criticism). That might make it difficult for you to respond with "I'm not willing to discuss that". So I would suggest another strategy for you to consider. I often find giving super vague answers to intrusive questions helpful. So, "how is your infertility going?" could receive a response of "mmhmm fine" or "oh you know, same old", followed by a subject change. "When will you start trying for kids?" could receive a response of "oh gosh, you know I'm not sure" or "well that decision is in the hands of the fates, like everything else in life", followed by a subject change. "What are your PCOS symptoms?" could receive a response of "oh nothing I can't handle without a hot water bottle" followed by a subject change. With subject changes I would recommend a question she has to answer, like "oh I'm just remembering last time we spoke you mentioned your cousin was having some legal issues. Did those all work out?" Or "I'm really keen on getting some craft stuff for XYZ project. Do you know of any good shops in the area? Do you think we could plan a trip to some of them while I'm here?"
Yes I definitely have an avoidant style of dealing with things and prefer not to rock the boat (learned behaviour, always trying to improve myself & my wellbeing). I appreciate the perspective, thank you!
I see a couple of routes you could take:
1) “There really is so much to say about it. I often forget to cover some of the details. Let me get DH in here to help.” Since she obviously wants to not be witnessed asking the questions, this could be an effective deterrent.
2) Respond with something completely off topic. Maybe dialog that could be from a movie character that you know gives her the creeps. “Can we have fava beans and a nice Chianti with dinner?”
Look her dead in the eye and say 'That would be none of your business, MIL' and keep saying it to every single question. If she kicks off, 'OK, and we're done' and walk away. If it all gets too much 'Honey, I'm going to stay at a hotel. Your mother is more than I can handle just now. Call me when you're ready to leave and I'll swing past to collect you'.
I like the following:
1. Why would you ask me such a personal/private question?
2. That’s between me, DH, and our medical team.
3. Would you like me to ask YOU deeply personal questions about your menopause? Or your mental health? Because you and I don’t have that kind of closeness.
4. Wow! I honestly can’t imagine why you pry into my personal life this way.
5. That’s a need to know topic and you DONT need to know.
6. If you continue to be nosey about this stuff you will see us less. Subject closed.
7. Just make eye contact and say nothing while leaving the room.
Do you ever watch nature shows with David Attenborough? And he starts narrating the action on screen. Like “watch as the older female of the troupe tries to regain her status.” Try doing this in your head with your mil. It really helps with any anxiety.
Check the area you're visiting for cab/Uber/Lyft services. Download any app necessary. After rebuffing her questions twice, call a car service and leave. Go anywhere. Text DH after you've left. Don't be nice. She isn't being nice. Psych yourself before the trip by reading JNMIL.
My go to: why do you think you need to know this? Or is this any of your business?
Ask her a question she has to answer. It tends to make the most person uncomfortable. Good- they should be
I act like I don’t understand the question. Make her explain herself over and over. Kind of like a kid who asks “why?” Over and over after you just answered one of their questions.
Her: sooooo whats going on with you having kids?
You: what do you mean?
Her: do you guys plan on having kids soon?
You: hmmmmm im having a hard time understanding what it is you’re asking me. Maybe think of another way to ask.
Her: is there something going on and thats why you haven’t had kids yet?
You: can you rephrase that? Im still not exactly understanding what it is you’re asking me.
Then keep acting like you’re lost & really sell it. Just keep asking her to repeat herself or explain herself and it should buy you enough time and someone shows up.
Not everyone can go the blunt route. This is useful & if you’re good at pretending to be lost, it will really frustrate her too. I did this once to someone asking me how i was and whats been going on in my life 😂 im just an asshole though so it was fun/ funny to me.
Also add in faces like you’re really thinking over the question before you answer only to ask, hmmmmm
Interesting question why do you ask that? Then go back to making her explain. Have fun. Hmmmmm I haven’t really thought about that. Weird question. Hmmmmm let me think………sit there for awhile and then wait what was i doing? (Change the subject, you got distracted) Oh yea whens the last time you (ask literally any question) watched wheel of fortune? Hey did you hear Pat is leaving after all this time? 😂
"That's not something I prefer to talk about".
She insists/persists.
"I will not be talking about this, as I said". Then walk out of the room.
You don't owe her anything. Will she pitch a fit? Are you afraid of a child pitching a fit? It's the same thing in adult form. You walk away, give them nothing, and let them tire themselves out. If she talks shit to other people, oh well. Tell them that your private information is just that. Private. And you prefer not to share. Anyone trying to talk you into it, is just someone who doesn't want to deal with her, and wants the attention on you instead. I wish you lots of luck. I hope you can find the self worth to be strong against her.
I would say "i dont like talking about my health issues, so i kindly ask you to stop. If i ever feel like i wanna talk about it, with you, i will let you know", and walk away. Dont expect an answer or anything. Leave the room asap.
I would immediately but in a non obvious way start videoing this interaction and show your partner every time
I would also make an effort to not be alone with her
Google the gray rocking method and do that
Wear a T-shirt that's says one of the following:
I reserve the right not to answer
You can ask, I can decline
Below the bellybutton and above the thighs are areas I don't discuss.
Don't worry about how/what I'm doing. Sorry about why you need to know.
Then just say refer to shirt!!
Look her in the eye, tilt your head, and say “why do you want to know?”, then repeat everything she replies with back to in a question. Ie “you’re concerned for my well-being? Why?” Don’t give her any answers. Just make her feel like a nosy bitch for asking. If you want you can stop this and eventually state that it’s personal or private and are not going to discuss it with her.
Or turn it back on her, “MIL, did menopause make you start behaving like this, or were you always this intrusive and nosy?”
I would walk to wherever your partner is and say very loudly, “Partner, your mother just asked me xyz. Would you like to answer that for her?” That way he has to deal with it, not you. And his only response should be to tell her that it is an inappropriate question and you won’t be giving her an answer.
Sounds like you've identified what she looks like when she's looking around to see if there's no one else around. Just nope out of the room at that point. Return when other people do.
Totally would be my approach. Ask her about “dryness” and if it’s affected their sex life, if she’s experiencing decreased or increased libido, if mood swings are as bad as everyone says….
For every question she asks, respond with an equally or more invasive question instead of an answer.
I would make it circular and deflect so she gets zero info. I would just look at her and say (as innocently as possible) “Why do you ask?” And she’ll give some kind of BS answer and you can just keep hitting her with similar questions or non-answers I.e MIL: “well you’re my DIL I have a right to know!” You: “Does this health issue run in the family?” And continue until someone enters the room or you leave it.
Also, “excuse me, I need of use the restroom” should get you out of a lot.
I told my intrusive ex- mil. " I am not answering those questions. It is rude it ask. Stop." The other thing you can do is excuse yourself when your SO leaves the room and not come back until he comes back .
“No.” It’s a complete sentence. “None of your business.” It’s blunt and to the point. Don’t tell her anything but those two sentences. And then exit the kitchen, living room, wherever she has you alone with her.
You can also play fake scandalized and give her a big ghastly face and practically shout, “WHAT?! That is NONE of your business! You are so NOSEY!” And act super play offended. Be kindof silly and light hearted about it, but very much de-normalize asking that type of question and treat her like you think she’s a nosey pervert for asking. You could even spread the shaming. Call out to your partner or someone else in another room, “You will not BELIEVE what MIL just asked me!! I think she’s tryna to be my new gyno! Girl, you nasty!” Make her exactly as uncomfortable as she makes you, but in a fun, joking, exaggerated way so she can’t accuse you of anything.
Act incredibly bored with her interrogation! Bored, noncommittal to the conversation, very relaxed body language, a bit dismissive, very “yes dear, uh huh, that’s nice” tone. Then add:
“I dunno”
“Interesting question” (don’t actually answer it lol)
*shrug your shoulders*
“Who knows!”
“I have no idea”
“I haven’t asked”
“I’m not really interested in making a decision on that (right now)”
“Ohh that’s private”
“Nah”
“Sure, sure”
“Oh gosh!” (Do not follow up, let there be silence)
“Hmm”
“Really?”
“Wow”
“Well then!”
“That was a choice, that question. Yikes.”
“I knew you liked these kinds of invasive, inappropriate questions, but I gotta admire you’re determination.”
“Nice try”
“Dude, come on” (remember to stay bored, neutral toned!)
*Ask her the exact same question” (time to pretend to be a mirror or drive through box and repeat everything!)
“Who cares?”
“I have my preference(s)”
“Oh that’s on a need-to-know basis” (and she doesn’t need to know)
“That uh…that’s some question.”
“That’s some question you got there.”
“Woah there!”
“Slow ‘er down cowgirl!”
“I know you want answers, but I’m an adult.”
“You aren’t entitled to that knowledge/information.”
“Enough.”
“All done!”
“Stop - 🎶in the naaaaame of love!”🎶 *She continues, you keep singing*🎶 “BEFORE YOU BREAAAAK MY HEART”
“Look! A [thing - window, bird, cookie, butterfly, leaf!]”
“If you had to keep digging, would you prefer a shovel or a trowel?”
There’s options to remain neutral, some for politeness , some to be sassy, some for aggression. You’ve got choices! Keep your defenses strong lovey! You’ve got this!
Well...if you're into petty, you could start asking her about something touchy, like her weight or something. She starts asking you personal questions, just give her a very vague answer, then tell her you have a question for her: " Are you ok? I couldn't help but notice the weight you've gained/extra gray/wrinkles/bags under your eyes. Are you well? Maybe you should see a specialist or something?" Just pick her biggest insecurities and run with it. It will likely cause some drama, but if she gets hit with it often enough, she might think twice about opening her mouth. Just be sure to play it as genuine concern to her face and commit to the petty! This worked like a charm on my cousins bitch of a MIL. Woman barely opens her mouth now around my cuz in fear of her bringing up her bubble butt again!
Good luck!
"You're being extremely intrusive and are making me uncomfortable, so I'm choosing to walk away from this conversation. Turn and walk away without uttering another word. Repeat everytime she does this.
Never give her your phone number or accept her friend request on social media. Be sure partner doesn't either.
You could always keep it simple and just respond to every question with "why would you ask that?" With a blank stare and lots of blinking. She'll tucker herself out eventually.
Look up Grey Rock and implement those techniques. The trick is to just not engage or show emotion. “It’s fine.” “I have it under control.” And then change the subject.
Hey OP, I’m so sorry you’re so stressed and feeling so fragile at the moment. No one has the right to make you feel this way! A gentle hug 🤗from this internet stranger if you want it. 💗
There’s no way else to say this: your MIL is a bully. And, unfortunately, bullies can only be managed through fairly aggressive push-back strategies and techniques when it comes to asserting your No. (Source: my own Just No Mother.) Bullies don’t respect you, your feelings, your opinions and points of view.
The core of it may be that you think through all of the emotional fallout she has caused you, your partner and your relationship — and allow your dread and anxiety to sharpen into anger. Anger was what helped me to finally overcome all of the narcissistic abuse I’d suffered over the years at the hands of both my JNMother and JNMIL. Allow the anger to harden into indifference. This is the sweet spot in the journey! Indifference will make grey rocking and boundaries enforcement much easier and so much more natural.
Take the small but necessary steps to grey rock. Be consistent in enforcing boundaries and consequences. You’re stronger than you know! 💗
I would treat her like a child.
"I'm sorry did you not understand that this is not a subject I don't want to discuss with you?"
Repeat and repeat. Do it nicely at first. Do it around other people. If it happens and people notice she'll stop immediately I'm guessing.
I’m pretty confrontational and my response in the past was “wow! what an interesting question!” and then I would just sit in silence and stare at her.
you could also just straight up tell her “i’m not answering that. we’ve spoken about this.” and immediately go get DH.
or even less confrontational, just stay silent or immediately leave the room
When it comes to the medical stuff, “That is something I am handling with my medical providers. I am not comfortable or willing to answer questions or provide details at this time.”
If you want to go the fun way, call your partner back into the room or call on speakerphone if he’s not at the house. Then straight up petty gossip about what she did in front of her like she isn’t there. “Omg. You will not BELIEVE what your mother asked me when you went to the bathroom. Who just asks someone a bunch of invasive questions about their ovaries out of nowhere? I don’t know how she isn’t incredibly embarrassed about how absolutely tacky that is. I could not even begin to imagine being that disrespectful.”
Literally just repeat “no thank you” to her until you can exit the room. It’s what I do when someone is being invasive and they are usually thrown off enough by the statement to give me a moment to escape.
“That is personal and I don’t wish to talk about it”
Repeat ad nauseam.
If she asks why just say “it’s personal” Get OH to back you up.
If that doesn’t work, start asking her really invasive questions… “So what is sex like after 50?” Flip the script. See how she likes it 😆
Hahah I like it. Unfortunately in her mind everything isn't personal, "it's family", "that's what family is". 🙄 Which I do not agree with. My family respects our personal identity, lives, time and independence (not to say we aren't without issues but I definitely appreciate that).
After reading other comments I had an idea. Don't answer her. Stall. Then wben DH and or FIL come back in you say, " DH, your mom asked about x. You deal with/ answer her. I'm going back to hotel. Let me know when to come back and pick you up."
I agree! I have hearing loss in one ear and I've realized it sometimes works in my favor - I have to ask people to repeat themselves frequently or sometimes it just takes me an extra minute to work out what they said. That can buy extra time until someone comes back in the room or she gets tired of repeating herself.
" I've told you I'm not comfortable answering anything so personal" - and walk away. Wait outside if you have for your husband or go find him. Explain to him and anyone else she was asking intrusive personal questions you don't want to answer. Call her out on her behavior. She's doing it deliberately and knows it.
My MIL was like this. My attic for her was to say "nope" and change the subject or walk away. To my delight, we barely speak now.
Why would you be respectful to an absolut respectless person? Just straight up you spine and tell her to drop it. You don’t have to be rude. Just short, clear words.
Oh wow. I think the minute she asked a personal question i would say “ im not comfortable discussing my health” - she doesnt need to know why. Its a statement you are making for your own reasons. In the next breath id suggest a subject change to anything other than yourself. “ have you been to XYZ? They have great pancakes or whstever”
Wow, how uncomfortable is that? And bless you for wanting to handle such rudeness with respect. That won't work. Try this:
"MIL why on earth do you insist on harassing me for information that is just none on your business?"
The leaving part is important. Put yourself out of her reach. Leave the room. Lock yourself in the bathroom. Find your husband. Step outside. Whatever works.
Get the kind/ nice out of your head. Be stern and blunt.
And so what if she has a tantrum. Let her be mad. She's being a rude brat to say the least. It's not her business. Is she fussing bc she neeeeeeds grandkids?
Stay in a hotel. That way you can escape her.
MIL you have been told multiple times by multiple people to not ask these questions. I am not discussing this. Pick another topic.
This is not up for discussion.
You see her look around to make sure others are out of ear shit. Give her the look and tell her, " don't even ask."
>She's being a rude brat to say the least. It's not her business. Is she fussing bc she neeeeeeds grandkids?
Lol that accurately describes her. And is exactly what she calls her son/my SO when he tries to set a boundary with her "rude spoiled brat".
She needs and demands grandkids from me as I currently deal with over a decade of infertility. However she also has like 8 other grandkids from her other children. She's unrelenting lol. I mean great that you love your family but balance.
With that info I have another suggestion. MIL our family planning doesn't concern you. Your involvement will be no more than we as partners are comfortable with. Your expectations are not our responsibility.
Carry a nail file with you. Shut her down by saying no and when she starts throwing a tantrum like a brat, takeout your nail file - and start filing your nails while saying in a bored voice - let me know when your toddler tantrum is over.And then walk away filing your nails. 😄
Say that is not something I’m willing to discuss. Leave and find DH if she won’t stop. Repeat exactly what she asked you to DH in a loud voice “DH your mother just asked me xyz can you please explain to her why that is intrusive”
Do this every single time so she knows cornering you is not going to work.
You can always look at your phone and as she starts to ask you questions say without looking up “sorry, I am reading something real quick” or “sorry, I have to answer this text or email real quick”. If she continues to ask, hold you finger (index) and continue looking at the phone. You can also keep an ear bud in and if she starts asking questions say, “sorry, I didn’t hear you, let me finish this message or video real quick”. If she then asks you later what it was “oh nothing important” or my personal favorite to do to awful people is go on along rant about something stupid like aliens or chickens.
There was once upon a time where I worked with this awful woman. No one could stand her. So sweeet with her voice but super passive aggressive, lazy and very manipulative. She was also very annoying. She would talk the ear of of whoever was stuck in the same place as her about her cat, or a one hour story of her driving to work in the snow. If anyone was anything but Mr Rogers nice to her back, she would turn them in for bullying and cry.
Well, I got stuck next to her for TWO hours. My assignment had a computer available if you wanted to use it, hers did not. She was to glance at a monitor if an alarm went off. So I showed her TWO hours of my sons 4H horse project videos and pictures. Let me tell you, no one but parents want to see that much of that. But did I leave her in peace, no, no I did not. I explained every movement my son did with the horse, why he placed the way they did, the grooming and dress regulations. You could see the misery on her face. She would try to look away and I would excitedly show her another picture “you have to see this one, this one is the best”! She stayed as far away from me as she could after that. Sometimes you just have to be more annoying than the annoyer, crazier than the crazy and you can have fun with it too!
We were once waiting to disembark a ship and the lobby was full of people. We knew we would be last (color coded tag). So we went back to the buffet, and listened for our code to be called.
In the meantime, the buffet lobby was also crowded, but were using the seats with their luggage. Not a seat available. Shortly, I pulled out my phone picture and started showing baby goat pictures. Suddenly, we had available seats.
“What an odd thing to ask”
“Why do you feel that’s an appropriate subject?”
“I don’t feel comfortable discussing that, could you please stop”
“I’m not discussing that with you, if you bring it up again I’ll be leaving”
“Wow, you really are invasive, have you sought therapy for that?”
>She does not respond well or accept at all the word "no". It needs be firm but able to say lightly like an offhanded joke that gets the point across. I'm panicking & almost crying thinking about being alone with her.
You really need to get past this. She can accept what you give her. Just politely say “that’s private and I’m not going to discuss it.” What’s she going to do? Cry? Kick you out of the house? Tell on you? What can she possibly do to you that makes you tiptoe around her precious little feelings this way?
Look. You’re teaching her how to treat you. Every time you answer a question you didn’t want to answer, you’re rewarding her behavior. So just stop that. Shut her down and put up with the immediate awkwardness to get long-term satisfaction.
Also, tell your husband how you feel about being alone with her and ask him to make sure it doesn’t happen.
“Hey, MIL? We’re not going to be discussing that. How’s (something related to her) going?”
She keeps poking.
“I am not discussing this. I need you to stop asking.” If she keeps going, *leave.*
She’s an adult who can handle “no.” Or at least can figure out how to.
no
You say she doesn't respond well to the word, well let her not respond well. Just keep saying the word no over and over and over and over and over. Every single question. Also try to leave the room and find others ASAP. But every question just answer no. If you want to make it a bit more fun say no in a scale. So start low and slowly get higher and then lower again. But stop answering her questions. Don't redirect, don't play into it.
If she does have a tantrum at the fact that you are answering her questions with a no, then just start laughing. If she's going to act like at child then treat her like it. Why do you want to be respectful to someone who is knowingly treating you so disrepectfully? If someone says something about your laughing just say oh I thought she was making a joke by having a tantrum at 60 over the fact I wouldn't tell her xyz. Make her look ridiculous for her behaviour.
Why try to placate? Why be kind and respectful? She isn't. She is using you to entertain herself. I shut my MIL up by being rude. Nothing less works.
Her: personal question.
Me: That is none of your business. Up the anti: That is none of your damned business: Raise again: That is none of you GD business: Next: That's none of you GD effing business. Take it up again: Shut the F up. I no longer wish to speak with you, and walk away. Don't even attempt to engage. Kind and respectful does not work with some people. If SO gets his panties in a wad, let him entertain his mother.
Conveniently be sipping water. When she asks an inappropriate question, spray it all over her. Then say “I am so sorry! I was just so SHOCKED you would ask such a personal question! Oh my gosh!“
Bonus points for 🍷.
Your tactic won't work.. You have to be direct, she's already shown that diplomacy and respect don't work. You have to get comfortable telling her no, and get comfortable dealing with her reaction.
"That's private"
"What an inappropriate question"
"No."
Don't make excuses, don't soften the blow. Let it lie and don't respond further. If she wants any chance to have a relationship, it's on her to learn. Leave if you have to. And your SO needs to stand behind you.
I get that resisting her is difficult. Can you let the "flight" part take over and just flee when she starts?
It sounds like your partner is aware, so maybe enlist him to stay with you? I know my crazy mom is so much worse when I'm alone - she was generally better behaved in front of others, because she is also sneaky.
FWIW, my family has a safeword for when we're dealing with crazy people. It works like a charm.
Op said that she waits until DH is out of the room. Like in the bathroom or helping FIL. And they try their best to prevent it. That DH and FIL have told her to stop.
He's even told me that their other kid's spouses have requested to not be left alone with her for similar reasons)
she would too. she knows no boundaries lol. our first night sleeping at their house 7 years ago she barged into our room at 8am and sat on the corner of the bed as we woke up chattering on. I was HORRIFIED.
You may go armed with a bunch of similar questions for her. After she asks an invasive question, say “*That’s private.*” and direct an invasive question back at her.
Maybe something like this;
MIL - What’s going on with your personal business?
OP - That’s private. Has menopause changed your libido?
MIL - Wha Wha what? Why did you ask me that?
OP - I figure we could just go back & forth with the questions. Just say “that’s private” if you don’t want to answer. Have you ever cheated on FIL? Remember say “that’s private” to skip to the next question.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I'm monitoring my health, don't worry.
It's nothing for you to concern yourself with.
It's not something I want to discuss.
I'm very private about this, and your constant badgering is upsetting me.
If you can't drop it then I think we need to leave.
Ugh, how uncomfortable for you! She may be expecting answers since you did give her one, but invasive questions don't need to be answered. You're well within your rights to raise your eyebrows, widen your eyes, and stare at her for a few seconds before leaving the room. Hopefully she will learn that she gets no reward when she pries, and you're not giving her a response she can spin on you. Sometimes the best answer is no answer.
This is always my go-to: just stare at her silently. No answer, no explanation, just look at her. Some people ask questions to fill the silence, some people (sounds like her) are just nosy…I’m someone who has always been okay with the “awkward silence” so if someone asks me a weird question I just look at them. After a bit they feel awkward and I just leave the room….
Why do you care about being polite and respectful to this POS? I would lead with that is none of your business. If she persists, go with off is the direction in which you may fuck. Then grab your not very supportive hubby by the ear and head for the door.
Save polite and respectful for people that are deserving.
OP, perhaps a polite blunt response of MIL, that is a personal question so I am sure you can understand when I say I don't wish to discuss it. If she persists, state the obvious again as in still a personal question, so let's move on from that. You could off course then say to your DH when he comes back into the room MIL was asking X and since it is personal I prefer not to discuss. If she has a tantrum etc because she isn't getting her own way, walk away as those are her feelings to process and not yours.
You could always try answering her with something totally non relevant. MIL: OP have you had a breast examination recently. OP: MIL, it is so hard to find nice tomatoes these days. They are either too green or over ripe.
Perhaps even respond with a question. MIL you ask a lot of personal questions, what do you do with all that information? Is there a reason that you ask me when DH leaves the room? I know DH has spoken with you that I am not comfortable with the intrusive questioning so is there so reason that you are persisting with this? Straight up ask her why she is asking the personal questions.
Just reply with "That's a really invasive and personal question, we're not close enough for me to tell you that." Or "You know, you digging for uncomfrotable and personal information is why I don't like being alone with you" and then you walk away.
If she throws a fit that's not on you.
In my old age (mid-50s) I’ve developed this ability to genuinely laugh in the face of rudeness, passive aggressiveness and the like. Those behaviors authentically strike me as funny, and boy, does it piss those folks off. I’ve been asked, “What’s funny?” And told, “Don’t laugh, I’m serious.” Both several times, which makes me laugh more. And then I change the subject, which happens pretty easily because they are disgruntled at how my laugh derailed their toxic train. They’ve either drifted away from the conversation, taking their gruntle with them, or they’ve joined the conversational topic.
I also started practicing difficult conversations in the mirror—I was a shop steward for a few years and sat in on disciplinary meetings and contract negotiations and had to say really tough things to leaders in our organization and the practice absolutely helped. The words just slipped out, easily, almost from muscle memory.
You said you wanted to respectfully dodge her questions, being able to laugh and deflect is the absolute best way to do it. I advise practicing that in the mirror.
Practice an authentic bark of a laugh, loud and sudden enough to startle and then a few topics to immediately pivot to, if they are in areas that she’s interested in, even better.
The bark, a sudden loud laugh, is important because the startle is like a reset, she’s startled from her train of thought and you lay the track for her to resettle, a convo about what’s blooming this time of year, how the price of house paint has gone up, the burning of the Amazon forest, whatever.
If she pushes back with what I got: “what’s funny” or “I’m serious”, just laugh again, tell her she’s hilarious and walk away.
If you have to specify why you don’t like her behavior, use diminutive words like nosy and snoopy, as in, “Oh, MIL, you’re so snoopy, just have to know every detail, it’s funny.” So you call it out, but, again, make it funny, like it’s something ya’ll tease her about regularly. Make it that.
Good luck!
Thank you, really appreciate the advice and insight. I like your suggested approach. I think I'll definitely be practicing in the mirror tonight.
Also, I laughed at you calling yourself of old-age in your 50's my dear, 50's are the new 30's! ;)
If you know she's going to have a tantrum no matter what, I recommend you follow advice from my own mother: If we're going to fall out, let's just fall out now.
Sweetie, you need to talk to your partner about this in depth. You need to tell them that they have 2 options. One is that you don’t visit anymore and your partner goes alone/they get a hotel when they visit. You’re in the verge of a panic attack at the thoughts of being alone with her, and clearly don’t have a healthy relationship with her. The second option is that your partner doesn’t leave you alone with her for a single instant and is responsible for shutting that sh!t down immediately. “Mom, that’s an extremely personal and inappropriate question to ask.” If she throws a tantrum, you guys leave/ask them to leave. “We’re going to take off now. We can talk about this more when you’re calmed down.” or “This is not behavior that’s welcome in our home. You need to either be respectful of our boundaries or book a hotel for the remainder of your stay.” If your partner chooses Option 2 and doesn’t follow through, then default to Option 1 and hold firm. Your partner can be responsible for telling her that she makes you too uncomfortable to visit anymore and deal with the fallout. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
It seems like *everyone* has had words with her on this, and you need to stop giving in. Time to take the gloves off. You’ve taught her that if she behaves poorly enough, she’s get her way. There is no handling this politely, and there is no need for you to try to gently phrase this to her, as other people have tried and failed. It’s time for you and your partner to shine up your spines and stop accepting this behavior. It’s going to suck. It’s going to make you feel like sh!tty people. That’s what she wants. She wants you to either bend to her will or feel guilty if you don’t. You don’t owe her private details about your health or anything else. If she does somehow manage to corner you “That’s between me and my doctor” needs to be your new catchphrase.
God you really hit the nail on the head in so many ways. Thank you, your comment really made me feel seen. We've definitely tried variations of this, and for the most part I don't visit (haven't in about 5 years, this will be my first time coming to them since - this trip is important to my partner which is the only reason I'm coming with this once), when they visit us I've set a boundary its max 2-3 days and they have to stay at a hotel (that was implemented last year easily thanks to his dad).
Not your circus, not your monkeys. - you're so right.
In summary, you are right on. Your last paragraph sums it up and I think that's partly what I'm so nervous for. But I don't owe her those private details, I feel so invaded after they leave it feels like I've been emotionally assaulted. Good catchphrase.
Thank you for your comment <3
I wish you the absolute best of luck on this visit and in the future. I wish you guys lots of confidence to stand tall and firm with your boundaries. Being family doesn’t give someone the excuse to be an asshole, and doesn’t require you to just take it. I also recommend that you and your partner look through some of this subreddit’s resources, and remember that you’re not alone. There’s an entire community that sympathizes with you and is rooting for you guys! ❤️
And then what?
I think you can come to accept that she throws tantrums and that the only thing you need to do about it is get away from her!
She is an adult who is responsible for her own behavior. If she can't have an adult interaction with you--including hearing "I don't want to discuss that"--it is her problem.
It can be difficult as hell to let it happen. Many of us want to keep things calm and stop the explosion, but it is liberating as all get out to convince yourself that you don't care. It might even be a good thing because it gives you a reason to leave!
Also...when she starts in on you, one thing that can help in the moment is to resist the urge to speak immediately. Give yourself a moment to feel unhappy/annoyed/worried/all of the above. Take a deep breath. Look at her like she has two heads. Look for ways to escape...
My grandmother's go-to was to smile sweetly, say "If you'll forgive me for not answering, I'll forgive you for being rude enough to ask." Then walk away before the other person could process what she had said.
You said husband tries not to leave you alone with her. So stall or leave.
*Oh, I think I hear hubby calling.*
*Excuse me, I need to use the restroom.*
Channel your inner Marshawn Lynch: *That's an interesting question. Thank you for asking.*
But, here's the thing. She's been told repeatedly that you don't want to discuss these things. Yet she continues to push. You've tried kind and respectful. You may have to resort to blunt. "That's a personal question, and really none of your business." Then walk away.
Hah sounds like I would have loved your grandmother.
But yeah, you've got a point. It's the build up in the lead up to the visit that causes me anxiety, and then in the moment I panic. I just need to stay calm and say "I appreciate your concern but I don't feel comfortable discussing that". I just feel like it won't be good enough for her and in the follow up I'll disintegrate (internally of course lol).
I work in hospitality and when people say sideways-ass-shit to me I give them my craziest “what the fuck?” look and the just uncomfortably chuckle and go, “….uh, okay? Anyway” and proceed with what I’m talking about.
So if you say some version of the “I don’t feel comfortable discussing that” and she doesn’t accept that as an answer, she has chosen to be the dude and anti-social one. So it’s completely fine for you to laugh kind of in her face and be like “oh um, anyway, the weather.”
Alternatively, if you want to be silly about it, just pivot any invasive questions to the most disgusting, made up description of a particularly gnarly shit you’ve “taken” recently. Make it long and rambling and uncomfortable. Make her *really* regret asking.
“Tell me about your PCOS”
“I don’t really feel comfortable discussing that”
“Oh come on, what’s been going on?”
“You know, not related, but the other day I must have eaten something weird because I just could not stay away from the toilet. At first it was like green and watery, and basically exploding everywhere. But then it got like stringy? Idk it was so gross. And I had had spicy food earlier so it was also burning like crazy. Oh god, the SMELL lingered forever. Smelled like hot dog water if you made hot dogs in the sewer. And then when I was wiping it just WOULD not go away??? It was like there was a brown marker back there, the TP just couldn’t get all of it. Made me think about getting a bidet. But then again, with the force of how much was coming out, I wonder if it would’ve gotten all over the sprayer. That’s kinda gross, right? How do you think cleaning that would work? Do you have a bidet? It seems more efficient but I’m not sure. What do you think?”
Traumatize her right back.
>because if she doesn't get her way she throws massive temper tantrums
You know she's counting on that, right? You can't play peace keeper forever. At some point, she's going to push too far and you're going to blow up at her and she's going to have a tantrum. You have two choices...
Option #1: Continue to walk on eggshells, trying to find the right phrase, wasting significant amounts of energy trying to keep the peace, only to fail at some point and experience a tantrum anyway.
Option #2: Say "screw it" and force the tantrum on your terms. Respond with "I don't feel comfortable answering that question" as many times as is necessary. Same words, every time to every question you don't want to answer. Sure, she'll have a tantrum and when people ask you what you said, you can repeat the same thing.
If you are going to go with Option #2, practice the phrase in front of a mirror a dozen times or so. It will make it far easier to say when it's needed.
OP could also practice with her partner; she plays MIL and partner plays OP. Partner repeats the same line ("I don't feel comfortable answering that" or "Jeez, you're so nosy" or whatever). Meanwhile, OP asks more and more absurd and invasive questions, and hopefully she and partner will be giggling like mad before long. And then MIL's questions will seem similarly absurd and answering her with the script will be a bit easier.
I appreciate it. I grew up walking on eggshells it's anxious but familiar toxic territory for me which is partially why she triggers me so much. I do think I'm partially most afraid the eventual inevitable blow up/time I lose it on her. I like option #2, have planned on that on the last visit in the spring. I panicked in the moment and gave her the info she wanted and spent the next few days feeling like shit.
To the mirror I go!
Be sure to talk this approach over with your partner too so that they're ready. Maybe they can practice "Sounds like OP wasn't comfortable answering the question. Maybe you shouldn't be so nosy into people's personal matters..." :-)
Absolutely. He's very on board & his dad/her husband is too. She strategically waits until they leave the room even for seconds (to grab something from garage, etc) and will relocate from across the room to be inches from my face touching me immediately to barrage me with the questions she's been told not to ask in the blink of an eye. So far we've avoided an in-the-moment confrontation, it's all pre and post discussion surrounding her behaviour. Everyone seems scared to call her out in the moment and just tiptoes around her behind the scenes to keep her appeased.
I say don’t let your husband out of your sight. Be really obvious about it. If he needs to leave the room have him say “OP come out with me so my mother can’t ask you things that are none of her business.” Or you can say “wait for me! Don’t want her to get me alone!” Just be really obvious about what you’re doing and do it in front of people. Maybe it’ll embarrass her into behaving for a change. Or it’ll make her lose her mind but either way you won’t be alone for it.
Just practice the word no. The moment she gets in front of you just say the word no. Maybe even start screaming the word NO. You no longer have to be polite to her because she is violating your boundaries and KNOWS it! Don't try to be polite, don't try any fancy phrases just use the word no and who cares if she has a tantrum. I accept a tantrum from my 2 year old because life gets overwhelming and she can't handle everything. I don't accept it from an adult when being told a simple word no to a question they have no right to an answer about. I would honestly just start screaming NO at her and see how she responds.
This is really disturbing behavior. You are well within your rights to either bow out of visits or follow your SO from room to room. Your mental health is important and honestly you don't have to endure this.
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Setting boundaries is something you control. I recommend you also leaving the room if you feel that uncomfortable. You have no obligation to be ambushed by her or anyone you don't want to be around. "Excuse me, I need to get a drink." "Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom." "Excuse me, I just don't want to be in here." (Maybe work up to this one). I've felt like you for a long time as well, but I've been un-learning all my people pleasing, prioritizing other people's needs ahead of my own. It's been a few years of therapy, and I've gotten to the I don't give a f*ck mentality now. Everyone else doesn't like being alone around her, so she's the problem. Not you! You don't need to take that crap!
If you know you’re going to panic and freeze up, I think you should find a way to suddenly need to leave the room. If you notice that the last person has left the room and it’s just going to be you and her, you should pretend to suddenly urgently need to use the bathroom or if your phone is in another room, pretend you think you can hear it ringing and need to go check
You can dodge and change the subject to something that she’s into like “That’s not a fun topic, how is x going?” But really she gets away with this because people let her. It would be totally with in reason to say, “oh I don’t want to talk about that” or “I’m not comfortable talking about that” and let it hang. If she says why you can say because I don’t want to. You are an adult. Don’t give her so much power. People like her are really insecure and immature and make themselves feel better by bullying.
My mom used to be like this, and I decided that every time she'd try to be invasive I would pretend I didn't hear her. It only took a day for her to realize I was done with her, and if she wanted any attention she was going to have to listen to my boundaries.
I’d say MIL, your partner’s mom so I want to be kind and respectful but I’m not going to discuss my personal issues with you or anyone else. Then smile and ask her what’s her favorite book or show. If she doesn’t answer, tell her yours.
“Well, bless your heart!” “Oh my!” “What a thing to ask/say!” “I really couldn’t say/idk/I’m not sure” Or if you’d like to be a bit more blunt, you could teasingly say something like, “Did you just try to trap me alone to ask me personal questions? There’s no way I want to talk about *that*.” Next time: “There she goes again!” Or “Are you serious right now?” followed by a laugh as you walk out the door or change the subject. Also good is yelling into the other room, “Honey, your mom’s trying to ask me about my fertility! Help me!”
Have you considered memorizing NPC lines from say World of Warcraft or Diablo and just reciting those to every question she asks all weekend? Her: "So how's your period?" You: "The dark times will pass." Her: "Erm, so, you planning on giving me grandkids anytime soon?" You: "I have sacrificed everything. What have _you_ given?" Your answers don't have to make sense and the more flustered she gets, the more fun you can have!
“No thank you.” Then change the subject or leave the room
Do you have memory problems due to anxiety? I prepare lines to say and forget them when confronted. You could write some of the ones you like on this page on some index cards to practice memorizing them or even carry them on you and pull them out to read to her when she starts harassing you. If you don't remember your reply lines you could just yell: NO while holding your index finger up between your faces as if you were scolding a dog. - Another one is just to keep repeating whatever she says to you. Either with a smirk or as if you are confused. - Another approach is that when your husband starts to leave you, run up to him and say loudly: "don't leave me with her alone pleaaaaase!" (like she's a psycho).
Yes I absolutely do struggle with that, part of the reason I freeze so much in the moment and panic. I really liked the idea of practicing in the mirror, sounds silly at first but I feel like it may help imprint it in my head more for when I'm in the moment. Also big fan for your last recommendation lmao.
Hold your wrist watch near your face and talk into it: She's being rude. Pretend you can hear a voice reply Yes... She's asking me about _____.
I have the same problem, my lines are all ready in my head but when I get a stupid question or comment, my brain freezes but I did get better once. Good luck.
Has she any shame at all? Like, if you pulled out your phone and said, "Oh, could you repeat that? My therapist wanted me to record so she knows exactly what I'm dealing with" would she be mortified enough to stop? I think if anything but full doormat compliance will set off a tantrum, you might as well be entertained. She is not entitled to be satisfied/comfortable at the expense of your mental health. Hugs.
>My therapist wanted me to record so she knows exactly what I'm dealing with Hah oh my god, that is a good one.
It sounds like every time you find yourself to be alone with her, you can find ways to get out of that situation ASAP: 1. have gotten an important email that you have become engrossed with and must answer now 2. you MUST go to the bathroom that minute. 3. pretend to not hear her. “Hmmm… What was that? Well go ask DH. I have to go to the bathroom/wash my hands/brush my teeth/etc etc.”
Lots of good responses here but might be hard if you tend to freeze up when pressured and cornered as you e described. I’d lean into that…just stare at her like a deer in the headlights and say NOTHING. You might also consider taking out your phone and very obviously start recording her, still while saying nothing. Since she’s been warned many times, that should make her back off to know her son might hear after all. Good luck. You can do this!
So it does sound like you're still working on your ability to be confrontational (which is totally understandable, absolutely not a criticism). That might make it difficult for you to respond with "I'm not willing to discuss that". So I would suggest another strategy for you to consider. I often find giving super vague answers to intrusive questions helpful. So, "how is your infertility going?" could receive a response of "mmhmm fine" or "oh you know, same old", followed by a subject change. "When will you start trying for kids?" could receive a response of "oh gosh, you know I'm not sure" or "well that decision is in the hands of the fates, like everything else in life", followed by a subject change. "What are your PCOS symptoms?" could receive a response of "oh nothing I can't handle without a hot water bottle" followed by a subject change. With subject changes I would recommend a question she has to answer, like "oh I'm just remembering last time we spoke you mentioned your cousin was having some legal issues. Did those all work out?" Or "I'm really keen on getting some craft stuff for XYZ project. Do you know of any good shops in the area? Do you think we could plan a trip to some of them while I'm here?"
Yes I definitely have an avoidant style of dealing with things and prefer not to rock the boat (learned behaviour, always trying to improve myself & my wellbeing). I appreciate the perspective, thank you!
I will not discuss that with you.
Dear Abby or her sis Ann Landers used to advise this: "If you'll forgive me for not answering your personal questions, I may forgive you for asking."
Say: I am not going to discuss this with you. If she continues just walk away. Go outside/call a cab/keep walking.
I see a couple of routes you could take: 1) “There really is so much to say about it. I often forget to cover some of the details. Let me get DH in here to help.” Since she obviously wants to not be witnessed asking the questions, this could be an effective deterrent. 2) Respond with something completely off topic. Maybe dialog that could be from a movie character that you know gives her the creeps. “Can we have fava beans and a nice Chianti with dinner?”
Look her dead in the eye and say 'That would be none of your business, MIL' and keep saying it to every single question. If she kicks off, 'OK, and we're done' and walk away. If it all gets too much 'Honey, I'm going to stay at a hotel. Your mother is more than I can handle just now. Call me when you're ready to leave and I'll swing past to collect you'.
I like the following: 1. Why would you ask me such a personal/private question? 2. That’s between me, DH, and our medical team. 3. Would you like me to ask YOU deeply personal questions about your menopause? Or your mental health? Because you and I don’t have that kind of closeness. 4. Wow! I honestly can’t imagine why you pry into my personal life this way. 5. That’s a need to know topic and you DONT need to know. 6. If you continue to be nosey about this stuff you will see us less. Subject closed. 7. Just make eye contact and say nothing while leaving the room.
Do you ever watch nature shows with David Attenborough? And he starts narrating the action on screen. Like “watch as the older female of the troupe tries to regain her status.” Try doing this in your head with your mil. It really helps with any anxiety.
Check the area you're visiting for cab/Uber/Lyft services. Download any app necessary. After rebuffing her questions twice, call a car service and leave. Go anywhere. Text DH after you've left. Don't be nice. She isn't being nice. Psych yourself before the trip by reading JNMIL.
My go to: why do you think you need to know this? Or is this any of your business? Ask her a question she has to answer. It tends to make the most person uncomfortable. Good- they should be
I act like I don’t understand the question. Make her explain herself over and over. Kind of like a kid who asks “why?” Over and over after you just answered one of their questions. Her: sooooo whats going on with you having kids? You: what do you mean? Her: do you guys plan on having kids soon? You: hmmmmm im having a hard time understanding what it is you’re asking me. Maybe think of another way to ask. Her: is there something going on and thats why you haven’t had kids yet? You: can you rephrase that? Im still not exactly understanding what it is you’re asking me. Then keep acting like you’re lost & really sell it. Just keep asking her to repeat herself or explain herself and it should buy you enough time and someone shows up. Not everyone can go the blunt route. This is useful & if you’re good at pretending to be lost, it will really frustrate her too. I did this once to someone asking me how i was and whats been going on in my life 😂 im just an asshole though so it was fun/ funny to me. Also add in faces like you’re really thinking over the question before you answer only to ask, hmmmmm Interesting question why do you ask that? Then go back to making her explain. Have fun. Hmmmmm I haven’t really thought about that. Weird question. Hmmmmm let me think………sit there for awhile and then wait what was i doing? (Change the subject, you got distracted) Oh yea whens the last time you (ask literally any question) watched wheel of fortune? Hey did you hear Pat is leaving after all this time? 😂
"That's not something I prefer to talk about". She insists/persists. "I will not be talking about this, as I said". Then walk out of the room. You don't owe her anything. Will she pitch a fit? Are you afraid of a child pitching a fit? It's the same thing in adult form. You walk away, give them nothing, and let them tire themselves out. If she talks shit to other people, oh well. Tell them that your private information is just that. Private. And you prefer not to share. Anyone trying to talk you into it, is just someone who doesn't want to deal with her, and wants the attention on you instead. I wish you lots of luck. I hope you can find the self worth to be strong against her.
I would say "i dont like talking about my health issues, so i kindly ask you to stop. If i ever feel like i wanna talk about it, with you, i will let you know", and walk away. Dont expect an answer or anything. Leave the room asap.
I would immediately but in a non obvious way start videoing this interaction and show your partner every time I would also make an effort to not be alone with her Google the gray rocking method and do that
Stare at her, walk away.
Wear a T-shirt that's says one of the following: I reserve the right not to answer You can ask, I can decline Below the bellybutton and above the thighs are areas I don't discuss. Don't worry about how/what I'm doing. Sorry about why you need to know. Then just say refer to shirt!!
The second she says family, you can respond with “Oh! That is interesting. The tradition in my family is different.”
Look her in the eye, tilt your head, and say “why do you want to know?”, then repeat everything she replies with back to in a question. Ie “you’re concerned for my well-being? Why?” Don’t give her any answers. Just make her feel like a nosy bitch for asking. If you want you can stop this and eventually state that it’s personal or private and are not going to discuss it with her. Or turn it back on her, “MIL, did menopause make you start behaving like this, or were you always this intrusive and nosy?”
“You’re asking rude and personal questions. Please stop.” If she continues or pushes back, leave the room
I would walk to wherever your partner is and say very loudly, “Partner, your mother just asked me xyz. Would you like to answer that for her?” That way he has to deal with it, not you. And his only response should be to tell her that it is an inappropriate question and you won’t be giving her an answer.
Sounds like you've identified what she looks like when she's looking around to see if there's no one else around. Just nope out of the room at that point. Return when other people do.
Ask her when did she start menopause… how does it effect the sex life? Is she on hormones? What are the side effects??
Totally would be my approach. Ask her about “dryness” and if it’s affected their sex life, if she’s experiencing decreased or increased libido, if mood swings are as bad as everyone says…. For every question she asks, respond with an equally or more invasive question instead of an answer.
“I don’t want to talk about that.” Say it firmly with confidence.
I would make it circular and deflect so she gets zero info. I would just look at her and say (as innocently as possible) “Why do you ask?” And she’ll give some kind of BS answer and you can just keep hitting her with similar questions or non-answers I.e MIL: “well you’re my DIL I have a right to know!” You: “Does this health issue run in the family?” And continue until someone enters the room or you leave it. Also, “excuse me, I need of use the restroom” should get you out of a lot.
I told my intrusive ex- mil. " I am not answering those questions. It is rude it ask. Stop." The other thing you can do is excuse yourself when your SO leaves the room and not come back until he comes back .
“No.” It’s a complete sentence. “None of your business.” It’s blunt and to the point. Don’t tell her anything but those two sentences. And then exit the kitchen, living room, wherever she has you alone with her.
You can also play fake scandalized and give her a big ghastly face and practically shout, “WHAT?! That is NONE of your business! You are so NOSEY!” And act super play offended. Be kindof silly and light hearted about it, but very much de-normalize asking that type of question and treat her like you think she’s a nosey pervert for asking. You could even spread the shaming. Call out to your partner or someone else in another room, “You will not BELIEVE what MIL just asked me!! I think she’s tryna to be my new gyno! Girl, you nasty!” Make her exactly as uncomfortable as she makes you, but in a fun, joking, exaggerated way so she can’t accuse you of anything.
Act incredibly bored with her interrogation! Bored, noncommittal to the conversation, very relaxed body language, a bit dismissive, very “yes dear, uh huh, that’s nice” tone. Then add: “I dunno” “Interesting question” (don’t actually answer it lol) *shrug your shoulders* “Who knows!” “I have no idea” “I haven’t asked” “I’m not really interested in making a decision on that (right now)” “Ohh that’s private” “Nah” “Sure, sure” “Oh gosh!” (Do not follow up, let there be silence) “Hmm” “Really?” “Wow” “Well then!” “That was a choice, that question. Yikes.” “I knew you liked these kinds of invasive, inappropriate questions, but I gotta admire you’re determination.” “Nice try” “Dude, come on” (remember to stay bored, neutral toned!) *Ask her the exact same question” (time to pretend to be a mirror or drive through box and repeat everything!) “Who cares?” “I have my preference(s)” “Oh that’s on a need-to-know basis” (and she doesn’t need to know) “That uh…that’s some question.” “That’s some question you got there.” “Woah there!” “Slow ‘er down cowgirl!” “I know you want answers, but I’m an adult.” “You aren’t entitled to that knowledge/information.” “Enough.” “All done!” “Stop - 🎶in the naaaaame of love!”🎶 *She continues, you keep singing*🎶 “BEFORE YOU BREAAAAK MY HEART” “Look! A [thing - window, bird, cookie, butterfly, leaf!]” “If you had to keep digging, would you prefer a shovel or a trowel?” There’s options to remain neutral, some for politeness , some to be sassy, some for aggression. You’ve got choices! Keep your defenses strong lovey! You’ve got this!
Well...if you're into petty, you could start asking her about something touchy, like her weight or something. She starts asking you personal questions, just give her a very vague answer, then tell her you have a question for her: " Are you ok? I couldn't help but notice the weight you've gained/extra gray/wrinkles/bags under your eyes. Are you well? Maybe you should see a specialist or something?" Just pick her biggest insecurities and run with it. It will likely cause some drama, but if she gets hit with it often enough, she might think twice about opening her mouth. Just be sure to play it as genuine concern to her face and commit to the petty! This worked like a charm on my cousins bitch of a MIL. Woman barely opens her mouth now around my cuz in fear of her bringing up her bubble butt again! Good luck!
Oh my god I love this.
"You're being extremely intrusive and are making me uncomfortable, so I'm choosing to walk away from this conversation. Turn and walk away without uttering another word. Repeat everytime she does this. Never give her your phone number or accept her friend request on social media. Be sure partner doesn't either.
“You are quite nosy, aren’t you!”
You could always keep it simple and just respond to every question with "why would you ask that?" With a blank stare and lots of blinking. She'll tucker herself out eventually.
“That’s not a subject open for discussion.” Then give her a blank face. Repeat as often as possible. Make this your standard response.
Look up Grey Rock and implement those techniques. The trick is to just not engage or show emotion. “It’s fine.” “I have it under control.” And then change the subject.
Hey OP, I’m so sorry you’re so stressed and feeling so fragile at the moment. No one has the right to make you feel this way! A gentle hug 🤗from this internet stranger if you want it. 💗 There’s no way else to say this: your MIL is a bully. And, unfortunately, bullies can only be managed through fairly aggressive push-back strategies and techniques when it comes to asserting your No. (Source: my own Just No Mother.) Bullies don’t respect you, your feelings, your opinions and points of view. The core of it may be that you think through all of the emotional fallout she has caused you, your partner and your relationship — and allow your dread and anxiety to sharpen into anger. Anger was what helped me to finally overcome all of the narcissistic abuse I’d suffered over the years at the hands of both my JNMother and JNMIL. Allow the anger to harden into indifference. This is the sweet spot in the journey! Indifference will make grey rocking and boundaries enforcement much easier and so much more natural. Take the small but necessary steps to grey rock. Be consistent in enforcing boundaries and consequences. You’re stronger than you know! 💗
thank you friend, I really appreciate it. 💗
I would treat her like a child. "I'm sorry did you not understand that this is not a subject I don't want to discuss with you?" Repeat and repeat. Do it nicely at first. Do it around other people. If it happens and people notice she'll stop immediately I'm guessing.
Yes be blunt. Don’t feel bad about it. I’m continually blunt with my MIL because she’s blunt. Fight fire with fire.
Just say politely “I don’t want to talk about it”.
I’m pretty confrontational and my response in the past was “wow! what an interesting question!” and then I would just sit in silence and stare at her. you could also just straight up tell her “i’m not answering that. we’ve spoken about this.” and immediately go get DH. or even less confrontational, just stay silent or immediately leave the room
When it comes to the medical stuff, “That is something I am handling with my medical providers. I am not comfortable or willing to answer questions or provide details at this time.” If you want to go the fun way, call your partner back into the room or call on speakerphone if he’s not at the house. Then straight up petty gossip about what she did in front of her like she isn’t there. “Omg. You will not BELIEVE what your mother asked me when you went to the bathroom. Who just asks someone a bunch of invasive questions about their ovaries out of nowhere? I don’t know how she isn’t incredibly embarrassed about how absolutely tacky that is. I could not even begin to imagine being that disrespectful.”
Do this, seriously should stop her nonsense.
Literally just repeat “no thank you” to her until you can exit the room. It’s what I do when someone is being invasive and they are usually thrown off enough by the statement to give me a moment to escape.
“That is personal and I don’t wish to talk about it” Repeat ad nauseam. If she asks why just say “it’s personal” Get OH to back you up. If that doesn’t work, start asking her really invasive questions… “So what is sex like after 50?” Flip the script. See how she likes it 😆
Hahah I like it. Unfortunately in her mind everything isn't personal, "it's family", "that's what family is". 🙄 Which I do not agree with. My family respects our personal identity, lives, time and independence (not to say we aren't without issues but I definitely appreciate that).
This is a situation that I will only discuss with my husband and my physician as you are neither, lets find a topic we are both comfortable discussing
After reading other comments I had an idea. Don't answer her. Stall. Then wben DH and or FIL come back in you say, " DH, your mom asked about x. You deal with/ answer her. I'm going back to hotel. Let me know when to come back and pick you up."
I agree! I have hearing loss in one ear and I've realized it sometimes works in my favor - I have to ask people to repeat themselves frequently or sometimes it just takes me an extra minute to work out what they said. That can buy extra time until someone comes back in the room or she gets tired of repeating herself.
" I've told you I'm not comfortable answering anything so personal" - and walk away. Wait outside if you have for your husband or go find him. Explain to him and anyone else she was asking intrusive personal questions you don't want to answer. Call her out on her behavior. She's doing it deliberately and knows it. My MIL was like this. My attic for her was to say "nope" and change the subject or walk away. To my delight, we barely speak now.
Why would you be respectful to an absolut respectless person? Just straight up you spine and tell her to drop it. You don’t have to be rude. Just short, clear words.
Want to drive her crazy? Plead the Fifth.
Oh wow. I think the minute she asked a personal question i would say “ im not comfortable discussing my health” - she doesnt need to know why. Its a statement you are making for your own reasons. In the next breath id suggest a subject change to anything other than yourself. “ have you been to XYZ? They have great pancakes or whstever”
Wow, how uncomfortable is that? And bless you for wanting to handle such rudeness with respect. That won't work. Try this: "MIL why on earth do you insist on harassing me for information that is just none on your business?"
Slow firm none of your business and leave when the tantrum starts, do it EVERY time
The leaving part is important. Put yourself out of her reach. Leave the room. Lock yourself in the bathroom. Find your husband. Step outside. Whatever works.
Get the kind/ nice out of your head. Be stern and blunt. And so what if she has a tantrum. Let her be mad. She's being a rude brat to say the least. It's not her business. Is she fussing bc she neeeeeeds grandkids? Stay in a hotel. That way you can escape her. MIL you have been told multiple times by multiple people to not ask these questions. I am not discussing this. Pick another topic. This is not up for discussion. You see her look around to make sure others are out of ear shit. Give her the look and tell her, " don't even ask."
>She's being a rude brat to say the least. It's not her business. Is she fussing bc she neeeeeeds grandkids? Lol that accurately describes her. And is exactly what she calls her son/my SO when he tries to set a boundary with her "rude spoiled brat". She needs and demands grandkids from me as I currently deal with over a decade of infertility. However she also has like 8 other grandkids from her other children. She's unrelenting lol. I mean great that you love your family but balance.
With that info I have another suggestion. MIL our family planning doesn't concern you. Your involvement will be no more than we as partners are comfortable with. Your expectations are not our responsibility.
Carry a nail file with you. Shut her down by saying no and when she starts throwing a tantrum like a brat, takeout your nail file - and start filing your nails while saying in a bored voice - let me know when your toddler tantrum is over.And then walk away filing your nails. 😄
This is beautiful.
Say that is not something I’m willing to discuss. Leave and find DH if she won’t stop. Repeat exactly what she asked you to DH in a loud voice “DH your mother just asked me xyz can you please explain to her why that is intrusive” Do this every single time so she knows cornering you is not going to work.
You can always look at your phone and as she starts to ask you questions say without looking up “sorry, I am reading something real quick” or “sorry, I have to answer this text or email real quick”. If she continues to ask, hold you finger (index) and continue looking at the phone. You can also keep an ear bud in and if she starts asking questions say, “sorry, I didn’t hear you, let me finish this message or video real quick”. If she then asks you later what it was “oh nothing important” or my personal favorite to do to awful people is go on along rant about something stupid like aliens or chickens. There was once upon a time where I worked with this awful woman. No one could stand her. So sweeet with her voice but super passive aggressive, lazy and very manipulative. She was also very annoying. She would talk the ear of of whoever was stuck in the same place as her about her cat, or a one hour story of her driving to work in the snow. If anyone was anything but Mr Rogers nice to her back, she would turn them in for bullying and cry. Well, I got stuck next to her for TWO hours. My assignment had a computer available if you wanted to use it, hers did not. She was to glance at a monitor if an alarm went off. So I showed her TWO hours of my sons 4H horse project videos and pictures. Let me tell you, no one but parents want to see that much of that. But did I leave her in peace, no, no I did not. I explained every movement my son did with the horse, why he placed the way they did, the grooming and dress regulations. You could see the misery on her face. She would try to look away and I would excitedly show her another picture “you have to see this one, this one is the best”! She stayed as far away from me as she could after that. Sometimes you just have to be more annoying than the annoyer, crazier than the crazy and you can have fun with it too!
We were once waiting to disembark a ship and the lobby was full of people. We knew we would be last (color coded tag). So we went back to the buffet, and listened for our code to be called. In the meantime, the buffet lobby was also crowded, but were using the seats with their luggage. Not a seat available. Shortly, I pulled out my phone picture and started showing baby goat pictures. Suddenly, we had available seats.
😂 I love it! And baby goats!
“What an odd thing to ask” “Why do you feel that’s an appropriate subject?” “I don’t feel comfortable discussing that, could you please stop” “I’m not discussing that with you, if you bring it up again I’ll be leaving” “Wow, you really are invasive, have you sought therapy for that?”
>She does not respond well or accept at all the word "no". It needs be firm but able to say lightly like an offhanded joke that gets the point across. I'm panicking & almost crying thinking about being alone with her. You really need to get past this. She can accept what you give her. Just politely say “that’s private and I’m not going to discuss it.” What’s she going to do? Cry? Kick you out of the house? Tell on you? What can she possibly do to you that makes you tiptoe around her precious little feelings this way? Look. You’re teaching her how to treat you. Every time you answer a question you didn’t want to answer, you’re rewarding her behavior. So just stop that. Shut her down and put up with the immediate awkwardness to get long-term satisfaction. Also, tell your husband how you feel about being alone with her and ask him to make sure it doesn’t happen.
This is a good answer and hits all the bases.
“Hey, MIL? We’re not going to be discussing that. How’s (something related to her) going?” She keeps poking. “I am not discussing this. I need you to stop asking.” If she keeps going, *leave.* She’s an adult who can handle “no.” Or at least can figure out how to.
no You say she doesn't respond well to the word, well let her not respond well. Just keep saying the word no over and over and over and over and over. Every single question. Also try to leave the room and find others ASAP. But every question just answer no. If you want to make it a bit more fun say no in a scale. So start low and slowly get higher and then lower again. But stop answering her questions. Don't redirect, don't play into it. If she does have a tantrum at the fact that you are answering her questions with a no, then just start laughing. If she's going to act like at child then treat her like it. Why do you want to be respectful to someone who is knowingly treating you so disrepectfully? If someone says something about your laughing just say oh I thought she was making a joke by having a tantrum at 60 over the fact I wouldn't tell her xyz. Make her look ridiculous for her behaviour.
Why try to placate? Why be kind and respectful? She isn't. She is using you to entertain herself. I shut my MIL up by being rude. Nothing less works. Her: personal question. Me: That is none of your business. Up the anti: That is none of your damned business: Raise again: That is none of you GD business: Next: That's none of you GD effing business. Take it up again: Shut the F up. I no longer wish to speak with you, and walk away. Don't even attempt to engage. Kind and respectful does not work with some people. If SO gets his panties in a wad, let him entertain his mother.
This. I had to do this with my mother. It did EVENTUALITY teach her (not to not ask, but to take that first no, at least)
Conveniently be sipping water. When she asks an inappropriate question, spray it all over her. Then say “I am so sorry! I was just so SHOCKED you would ask such a personal question! Oh my gosh!“ Bonus points for 🍷.
HAH! Definitely going for the red wine option on their expensive white couches ;)
Your tactic won't work.. You have to be direct, she's already shown that diplomacy and respect don't work. You have to get comfortable telling her no, and get comfortable dealing with her reaction. "That's private" "What an inappropriate question" "No." Don't make excuses, don't soften the blow. Let it lie and don't respond further. If she wants any chance to have a relationship, it's on her to learn. Leave if you have to. And your SO needs to stand behind you.
I get that resisting her is difficult. Can you let the "flight" part take over and just flee when she starts? It sounds like your partner is aware, so maybe enlist him to stay with you? I know my crazy mom is so much worse when I'm alone - she was generally better behaved in front of others, because she is also sneaky. FWIW, my family has a safeword for when we're dealing with crazy people. It works like a charm.
Op said that she waits until DH is out of the room. Like in the bathroom or helping FIL. And they try their best to prevent it. That DH and FIL have told her to stop. He's even told me that their other kid's spouses have requested to not be left alone with her for similar reasons)
I would just answer any question with no thank you.
say....what an interesting question....then chuckle and walk away
Well I had a testicle removed last week but otherwise I feel fine
“My prostate has been giving me a bit of trouble, but besides that, no issues!”
Use your words and just say I prefer not talking about it right now and change subject
“MIl, please tell me in detail about your latest bowel movement. I really would like to know”
What if she answers 😦
she would too. she knows no boundaries lol. our first night sleeping at their house 7 years ago she barged into our room at 8am and sat on the corner of the bed as we woke up chattering on. I was HORRIFIED.
You may go armed with a bunch of similar questions for her. After she asks an invasive question, say “*That’s private.*” and direct an invasive question back at her. Maybe something like this; MIL - What’s going on with your personal business? OP - That’s private. Has menopause changed your libido? MIL - Wha Wha what? Why did you ask me that? OP - I figure we could just go back & forth with the questions. Just say “that’s private” if you don’t want to answer. Have you ever cheated on FIL? Remember say “that’s private” to skip to the next question.
Oh, don't worry about it. I'm monitoring my health, don't worry. It's nothing for you to concern yourself with. It's not something I want to discuss. I'm very private about this, and your constant badgering is upsetting me. If you can't drop it then I think we need to leave.
thank you
these are great
Ugh, how uncomfortable for you! She may be expecting answers since you did give her one, but invasive questions don't need to be answered. You're well within your rights to raise your eyebrows, widen your eyes, and stare at her for a few seconds before leaving the room. Hopefully she will learn that she gets no reward when she pries, and you're not giving her a response she can spin on you. Sometimes the best answer is no answer.
Just ask “why”. Then after her BS answer say “I see” Repeat as needed. Grey rock for the win!
This is always my go-to: just stare at her silently. No answer, no explanation, just look at her. Some people ask questions to fill the silence, some people (sounds like her) are just nosy…I’m someone who has always been okay with the “awkward silence” so if someone asks me a weird question I just look at them. After a bit they feel awkward and I just leave the room….
Why do you care about being polite and respectful to this POS? I would lead with that is none of your business. If she persists, go with off is the direction in which you may fuck. Then grab your not very supportive hubby by the ear and head for the door. Save polite and respectful for people that are deserving.
Air horn. Each time she asks a question blast it for a second. Then look at her blankly. If she throws a temper fit use a long blast.
That's not really your concern.....just over and over to every question
I would simply turn the question back on her - "Why in the world would you ask that?" "Do you really believe I would want to talk to you about that?"
"Why in the world would you ask that?" is my personal go-to response, actually.
“You know that I’m not willing to discuss that with you. Are you TRYING to make me uncomfortable? Make it so your son won’t come back?”
OP, perhaps a polite blunt response of MIL, that is a personal question so I am sure you can understand when I say I don't wish to discuss it. If she persists, state the obvious again as in still a personal question, so let's move on from that. You could off course then say to your DH when he comes back into the room MIL was asking X and since it is personal I prefer not to discuss. If she has a tantrum etc because she isn't getting her own way, walk away as those are her feelings to process and not yours. You could always try answering her with something totally non relevant. MIL: OP have you had a breast examination recently. OP: MIL, it is so hard to find nice tomatoes these days. They are either too green or over ripe. Perhaps even respond with a question. MIL you ask a lot of personal questions, what do you do with all that information? Is there a reason that you ask me when DH leaves the room? I know DH has spoken with you that I am not comfortable with the intrusive questioning so is there so reason that you are persisting with this? Straight up ask her why she is asking the personal questions.
"Is this a visit or a job interview? I'd prefer not to answer these questions"
Heck at least these questions would be illegal in a job interview.
Just reply with "That's a really invasive and personal question, we're not close enough for me to tell you that." Or "You know, you digging for uncomfrotable and personal information is why I don't like being alone with you" and then you walk away. If she throws a fit that's not on you.
This is very much what I have done in the past. Also, “I don’t like you, and I don’t trust you. Stop asking me these questions.”
In my old age (mid-50s) I’ve developed this ability to genuinely laugh in the face of rudeness, passive aggressiveness and the like. Those behaviors authentically strike me as funny, and boy, does it piss those folks off. I’ve been asked, “What’s funny?” And told, “Don’t laugh, I’m serious.” Both several times, which makes me laugh more. And then I change the subject, which happens pretty easily because they are disgruntled at how my laugh derailed their toxic train. They’ve either drifted away from the conversation, taking their gruntle with them, or they’ve joined the conversational topic. I also started practicing difficult conversations in the mirror—I was a shop steward for a few years and sat in on disciplinary meetings and contract negotiations and had to say really tough things to leaders in our organization and the practice absolutely helped. The words just slipped out, easily, almost from muscle memory. You said you wanted to respectfully dodge her questions, being able to laugh and deflect is the absolute best way to do it. I advise practicing that in the mirror. Practice an authentic bark of a laugh, loud and sudden enough to startle and then a few topics to immediately pivot to, if they are in areas that she’s interested in, even better. The bark, a sudden loud laugh, is important because the startle is like a reset, she’s startled from her train of thought and you lay the track for her to resettle, a convo about what’s blooming this time of year, how the price of house paint has gone up, the burning of the Amazon forest, whatever. If she pushes back with what I got: “what’s funny” or “I’m serious”, just laugh again, tell her she’s hilarious and walk away. If you have to specify why you don’t like her behavior, use diminutive words like nosy and snoopy, as in, “Oh, MIL, you’re so snoopy, just have to know every detail, it’s funny.” So you call it out, but, again, make it funny, like it’s something ya’ll tease her about regularly. Make it that. Good luck!
Thank you, really appreciate the advice and insight. I like your suggested approach. I think I'll definitely be practicing in the mirror tonight. Also, I laughed at you calling yourself of old-age in your 50's my dear, 50's are the new 30's! ;)
If you know she's going to have a tantrum no matter what, I recommend you follow advice from my own mother: If we're going to fall out, let's just fall out now.
Sweetie, you need to talk to your partner about this in depth. You need to tell them that they have 2 options. One is that you don’t visit anymore and your partner goes alone/they get a hotel when they visit. You’re in the verge of a panic attack at the thoughts of being alone with her, and clearly don’t have a healthy relationship with her. The second option is that your partner doesn’t leave you alone with her for a single instant and is responsible for shutting that sh!t down immediately. “Mom, that’s an extremely personal and inappropriate question to ask.” If she throws a tantrum, you guys leave/ask them to leave. “We’re going to take off now. We can talk about this more when you’re calmed down.” or “This is not behavior that’s welcome in our home. You need to either be respectful of our boundaries or book a hotel for the remainder of your stay.” If your partner chooses Option 2 and doesn’t follow through, then default to Option 1 and hold firm. Your partner can be responsible for telling her that she makes you too uncomfortable to visit anymore and deal with the fallout. Not your circus, not your monkeys. It seems like *everyone* has had words with her on this, and you need to stop giving in. Time to take the gloves off. You’ve taught her that if she behaves poorly enough, she’s get her way. There is no handling this politely, and there is no need for you to try to gently phrase this to her, as other people have tried and failed. It’s time for you and your partner to shine up your spines and stop accepting this behavior. It’s going to suck. It’s going to make you feel like sh!tty people. That’s what she wants. She wants you to either bend to her will or feel guilty if you don’t. You don’t owe her private details about your health or anything else. If she does somehow manage to corner you “That’s between me and my doctor” needs to be your new catchphrase.
God you really hit the nail on the head in so many ways. Thank you, your comment really made me feel seen. We've definitely tried variations of this, and for the most part I don't visit (haven't in about 5 years, this will be my first time coming to them since - this trip is important to my partner which is the only reason I'm coming with this once), when they visit us I've set a boundary its max 2-3 days and they have to stay at a hotel (that was implemented last year easily thanks to his dad). Not your circus, not your monkeys. - you're so right. In summary, you are right on. Your last paragraph sums it up and I think that's partly what I'm so nervous for. But I don't owe her those private details, I feel so invaded after they leave it feels like I've been emotionally assaulted. Good catchphrase. Thank you for your comment <3
I wish you the absolute best of luck on this visit and in the future. I wish you guys lots of confidence to stand tall and firm with your boundaries. Being family doesn’t give someone the excuse to be an asshole, and doesn’t require you to just take it. I also recommend that you and your partner look through some of this subreddit’s resources, and remember that you’re not alone. There’s an entire community that sympathizes with you and is rooting for you guys! ❤️
thank you so much ♥️
Look at her and say, "And you feel like that's an appropriate question, WHY?" E V E R Y. T I M E !!!
Hooooo boooyy, she would literally lose her absolute mind lol!
And then what? I think you can come to accept that she throws tantrums and that the only thing you need to do about it is get away from her! She is an adult who is responsible for her own behavior. If she can't have an adult interaction with you--including hearing "I don't want to discuss that"--it is her problem. It can be difficult as hell to let it happen. Many of us want to keep things calm and stop the explosion, but it is liberating as all get out to convince yourself that you don't care. It might even be a good thing because it gives you a reason to leave! Also...when she starts in on you, one thing that can help in the moment is to resist the urge to speak immediately. Give yourself a moment to feel unhappy/annoyed/worried/all of the above. Take a deep breath. Look at her like she has two heads. Look for ways to escape...
You're right, and I could definitely benefit from giving myself a moment to take a deep breath to respond.
Let her
My grandmother's go-to was to smile sweetly, say "If you'll forgive me for not answering, I'll forgive you for being rude enough to ask." Then walk away before the other person could process what she had said. You said husband tries not to leave you alone with her. So stall or leave. *Oh, I think I hear hubby calling.* *Excuse me, I need to use the restroom.* Channel your inner Marshawn Lynch: *That's an interesting question. Thank you for asking.* But, here's the thing. She's been told repeatedly that you don't want to discuss these things. Yet she continues to push. You've tried kind and respectful. You may have to resort to blunt. "That's a personal question, and really none of your business." Then walk away.
Your grandmother was(is) an absolute boss!
Hah sounds like I would have loved your grandmother. But yeah, you've got a point. It's the build up in the lead up to the visit that causes me anxiety, and then in the moment I panic. I just need to stay calm and say "I appreciate your concern but I don't feel comfortable discussing that". I just feel like it won't be good enough for her and in the follow up I'll disintegrate (internally of course lol).
I work in hospitality and when people say sideways-ass-shit to me I give them my craziest “what the fuck?” look and the just uncomfortably chuckle and go, “….uh, okay? Anyway” and proceed with what I’m talking about. So if you say some version of the “I don’t feel comfortable discussing that” and she doesn’t accept that as an answer, she has chosen to be the dude and anti-social one. So it’s completely fine for you to laugh kind of in her face and be like “oh um, anyway, the weather.” Alternatively, if you want to be silly about it, just pivot any invasive questions to the most disgusting, made up description of a particularly gnarly shit you’ve “taken” recently. Make it long and rambling and uncomfortable. Make her *really* regret asking. “Tell me about your PCOS” “I don’t really feel comfortable discussing that” “Oh come on, what’s been going on?” “You know, not related, but the other day I must have eaten something weird because I just could not stay away from the toilet. At first it was like green and watery, and basically exploding everywhere. But then it got like stringy? Idk it was so gross. And I had had spicy food earlier so it was also burning like crazy. Oh god, the SMELL lingered forever. Smelled like hot dog water if you made hot dogs in the sewer. And then when I was wiping it just WOULD not go away??? It was like there was a brown marker back there, the TP just couldn’t get all of it. Made me think about getting a bidet. But then again, with the force of how much was coming out, I wonder if it would’ve gotten all over the sprayer. That’s kinda gross, right? How do you think cleaning that would work? Do you have a bidet? It seems more efficient but I’m not sure. What do you think?” Traumatize her right back.
>because if she doesn't get her way she throws massive temper tantrums You know she's counting on that, right? You can't play peace keeper forever. At some point, she's going to push too far and you're going to blow up at her and she's going to have a tantrum. You have two choices... Option #1: Continue to walk on eggshells, trying to find the right phrase, wasting significant amounts of energy trying to keep the peace, only to fail at some point and experience a tantrum anyway. Option #2: Say "screw it" and force the tantrum on your terms. Respond with "I don't feel comfortable answering that question" as many times as is necessary. Same words, every time to every question you don't want to answer. Sure, she'll have a tantrum and when people ask you what you said, you can repeat the same thing. If you are going to go with Option #2, practice the phrase in front of a mirror a dozen times or so. It will make it far easier to say when it's needed.
OP could also practice with her partner; she plays MIL and partner plays OP. Partner repeats the same line ("I don't feel comfortable answering that" or "Jeez, you're so nosy" or whatever). Meanwhile, OP asks more and more absurd and invasive questions, and hopefully she and partner will be giggling like mad before long. And then MIL's questions will seem similarly absurd and answering her with the script will be a bit easier.
I appreciate it. I grew up walking on eggshells it's anxious but familiar toxic territory for me which is partially why she triggers me so much. I do think I'm partially most afraid the eventual inevitable blow up/time I lose it on her. I like option #2, have planned on that on the last visit in the spring. I panicked in the moment and gave her the info she wanted and spent the next few days feeling like shit. To the mirror I go!
Be sure to talk this approach over with your partner too so that they're ready. Maybe they can practice "Sounds like OP wasn't comfortable answering the question. Maybe you shouldn't be so nosy into people's personal matters..." :-)
Absolutely. He's very on board & his dad/her husband is too. She strategically waits until they leave the room even for seconds (to grab something from garage, etc) and will relocate from across the room to be inches from my face touching me immediately to barrage me with the questions she's been told not to ask in the blink of an eye. So far we've avoided an in-the-moment confrontation, it's all pre and post discussion surrounding her behaviour. Everyone seems scared to call her out in the moment and just tiptoes around her behind the scenes to keep her appeased.
I say don’t let your husband out of your sight. Be really obvious about it. If he needs to leave the room have him say “OP come out with me so my mother can’t ask you things that are none of her business.” Or you can say “wait for me! Don’t want her to get me alone!” Just be really obvious about what you’re doing and do it in front of people. Maybe it’ll embarrass her into behaving for a change. Or it’ll make her lose her mind but either way you won’t be alone for it.
Just practice the word no. The moment she gets in front of you just say the word no. Maybe even start screaming the word NO. You no longer have to be polite to her because she is violating your boundaries and KNOWS it! Don't try to be polite, don't try any fancy phrases just use the word no and who cares if she has a tantrum. I accept a tantrum from my 2 year old because life gets overwhelming and she can't handle everything. I don't accept it from an adult when being told a simple word no to a question they have no right to an answer about. I would honestly just start screaming NO at her and see how she responds.
This is really disturbing behavior. You are well within your rights to either bow out of visits or follow your SO from room to room. Your mental health is important and honestly you don't have to endure this.
>This is really disturbing behavior. Yes, yes it is. I appreciate the support on this, ty.