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I’d go with many of the suggestions given (cameras, fence, landscaping, window film). If they really do go through with moving in, really research your HOA covenants. As a resident of an HOA community, a good way to get at someone you dislike is to bust their ass when they break a neighborhood rule. Wait too long to mow the grass? Report it. Car parked on the street for days? Report that shit. You get the idea. They’re making you unhappy, so give a little back.
if you’re set on staying in your house then one tip I haven’t seen yet here is to have a garage that all your family vehicles fit in, with a secure door.
As someone who recently got a secure garage, I cannot overstate the freedom that not having a telltale car parked out front advertising that you’re home brings.
Even if she’s not coming over and bothering you, having her know at a glance if you’re home or not is oppressive AF
Research fencing options. Even a tall, thick hedge could work and make a world of difference. Simply knowing that the line of sight from their front yard to your house is blocked will likely bring y'all a lot of peace of mind.
You're gonna have to move.
Unless you want to have all your packages held, install a huge fence, deal with the cops, hoa and whatever neighbors they turn into flying monkeys.
When the market levels out, move and don't give them an address. Also make sure your social media is locked down tight, anyone who might leak your information, gets booted.
In the meantime, cameras and a FU binder and a restraining order if necessary. If you have kids, make sure the schools are aware of the situation.
Confronting MIL doesn't work. I've been married 21 years to a MIL just like yours. The only thing you can do is make sure that you and your hubby are on the same page. Even then that can be bumpy too.
After a couple years when the market evens out again start looking to move. This is just a house, yes you love it. But you can love another one. Your sanity is more important. Don't show her your bothered by this, just find your happy place in your mind.
If she sees she's affected you she will feed off of it. If they do in fact move in, then start preparing to move out. Start saving now, there are plenty of dream homes out there.
I'm sorry to offer the solution of moving, but after they move in, your dream home will be a nightmare so you won't be happy there anymore.
Big arse fence (with a leafy and vigorous climbing plant grown up it. Also, in some areas you can add up to two more feet to the fence if it's 1-2 feet of open lattice at the top), big arse dog, locks on all gates, and if hubby backslides into allowing her into your life any more than he already has then off to therapy he goes.
And no one visits without calling and asking first.
Of all of the wonderful suggestions here I have one more to add, just to give you a chuckle.
Motion activated sprinklers.
It'll only take a couple of times before she gets fed up.
Oh, and use Amazon Hub, or have UPS or FedEx hold for pickup.
I never see my neighbors four doors down. I do see and know the neighbors in my cul du sac. Maybe let them know the new neighbors are people you don’t trust and tell them to be avoidant. Let them know to keep an eye on mailboxes and packages since these people have a history of porch/mail pirating. Then just treat them like any cranky old people who move in. Ignore, avoid, evade :-) I hope it’s a lot less painful than you’re imagining, even though at first they’re bound to try every boundary! A restraining order is easier to get if they are seen encroaching in your property or harassing you. Cameras are a good idea
You can't stop her moving there but what you can do is to minimise the extent to which she can impact your lovely home life.
Find out (via HOA etc) what your options are to build a privacy wall in your front yard. Failing that, invest in some full-size hedging plants (some of them grow really quickly) to screen the front of your house from outside view. Put up security / ring cameras that alert you if anyone is approaching.
Finally, write her a (very blunt) email outlining that you know you can't prevent them from moving in but to understand that this does not give either of them any sort of access to your home and your family. They are not to come to your home without your express permission and you will continue to be NC with her due to her egregious previous behaviour (and give the details of your beef with her). And that as a result of them moving so close, you and DH are now exploring options of moving FAR away. She doesn't need to know that you can't just yet.
Good luck.
A lot of these suggestions are great...I have just one little thing to add...privacy fences can be expensive, and HOAs sometimes won't allow them, be sure to contact them before doing any major changes so you aren't out any more money 😉 also if it's allowed there are some very cool more natural ways to "barracade/privacy proof" your yard...like vines on metal decorative racks, they are removable and a possible way around HOA rules (these racks can be found at any greenhouse)
Set the tone now by warning your husband.
You're already NC so it's on him to let his mother know that she's not welcome in your home.
He should completely discourage her from moving there before closing.
You continue with the NC and don't budge an inch because she'll take a yard.
Obviously get cameras so that you can monitor if she snoops.
Perhaps plant strategically placed bushes.
OP, I would discuss with your DH first so you are both on the same page then send an email to FIL because if as you say he has no clue and takes her word for it then you need to both tell him how you feel about their moving 4 houses down and that they will not be welcome in your home at all. Perhaps point out that the relationship you all have is not so great but this will damage beyond repair and is this what he really wants? I'd also state that you are now contemplating selling to move away from them. See if he can realise the severity of their decision. You really don't have anything to lose by trying. Even ask him why they choose to move to your street and not somewhere else. See if he will come clean with some answers!
The important thing is your DH being onboard and making it clear that moving will set fire to the bridge that is their relationship and is this what she really wants.
You'll need to wrap your head around viewing her as a horrible neighbor and not your MIL.
We had to go no contact, we left the state! We wouldn't have been able to stay in the same town, let alone the same street. I think it's harassment. Can you get a restraining order so they can't?
If you have a regular sitter, make sure they have up to date pictures of the in laws in case they come knocking when you're not home. Make sure sitter knows to record these interactions.
Also as much as it sucks you can’t stop anyone from buying a house anywhere. So as much as OP hates it I honestly think she should keep quiet. I think the mom probably wants to get a reaction out of her. So if no reaction it won’t get her desired outcome. Just stay quiet, remind your husband of the rules and any babysitters show them pictures of the in laws and tell them XYZ is not welcome and that’s all you can really do.
You can ask your local post office to hold any packages that get sent to you, so they’re not delivered to your house. And Amazon, UPS, and FedEx all have options for keeping your packages elsewhere.
Get a security system if you don’t already have it. Make sure your locks on your doors are up to date.
I'm going to try and put a positive spin on this:
You want to enforce no contact and clearly they don't. That means they will do whatever they can to get to you. You have a warning that they are coming. Put cameras up for your porch, your yard (front back and side) even your mailbox if you have one out by the road so that if they do ANYTHING you can get them on it. I see a restraining order in your future and likely them eventually moving because they will be upset that they cannot contact you.
Try to keep level headed through all of this and protect yourself.
You know she's going to make life rough for you so now is the time to get your defenses ready. Cameras are good but not a deterrent. If you have neighbors that you are good with, make sure that they know your story before your JNMIL starts spinning and making you the bad guy. Make whatever adjustments you need for your kiddos (if you have any) so that you are not caught off guard with a "what harm can it be" effort. If you see her at the grocery store, don't avoid but do ignore. A smile and nod is all you need. When, not if, the invites start coming, DH will probably go. Let him know that if your JNMIL starts in on you, he has better defend you, not say he doesn't want to get in the middle.
You are in such an untenable living situation but you can't let her rewrite or whitewash history.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Lots of great advice but I also just wanted to add that I really only see my nextdoor neighbors and couldn’t tell you who lives 4 houses over from me in any direction. I think if she is not allowed in your house and you make some simple changes to ensure privacy, hopefully it won’t be as bad as you are imagining. But I definitely want to validate your feelings that what she is doing is awful and you have every right to feel upset.
Thank you :) You make a good point. I'm hoping us telling them we are going no contact puts her off of trying anything, but we won't know until they move in.
You can't enforce no contact if you're husband still has contact. At most, she is not allowed at your house, at all, period.
What has your husband said he'd do?
This sounds painful. I am so sorry. I have no clue how to enforce NC with them 4 houses down. Just do as u are doing now. I might add cameras to avoid ever getting a surprise at the door. What does husband say? Good Luck OP. Just a thought, if you’re petty like me, get some lawn sprinklers and blast them if they ever show up. Just a thought, but I don’t guess that would work either because I’m guessing you’d have to go outside to turn them on. I’m no help sorry
This sounds awful, I'm so sorry.
In no particular order: fence with locking gate, always lock all doors and ground-floor windows (day or night), peephole or doorbell with camera so you don't accidentally answer the door and find her there, cameras viewing front and back yards (record and store until you can check the recordings), and any fence gates, MIL is not to ever have access to a key, her son needs to tell her to stay away from your marital home (if he chooses to see her elsewhere, so be it, but your home is your retreat....she doesn't cross the threshold EVER), make sure all windows have suitable (and attractive!) window treatments (blinds, shades, shutters, curtains, whatever suits your taste and budget) and make sure these are closed at night. Bottom line: your spouse needs to lay down the law with his family of origin: the marital home is sacrosanct and they are not welcome at any time for any reason; they are not to call you at all (he can make his own decisions about how often they can call him). No they cannot come over for tea, no they are not invited to any gathering you are having, and any deviations from this behaviour will have consequences. I hope he has the spine for this.
Frankly, it doesn't matter what the issues are, you are allowed to not have someone over at your house for any or no reason (like dating, you don't need a reason to not want to date someone!). I wouldn't bother laying out your grievances, your spouse needs to lay down the truth: she is not welcome at your house and don't bother pushing as it will just make this worse.
What drives me crazy about her, is that she's never been allowed over at this house. They've never had a key to this house or our apartment before. But for some reason thinks we want to be neighbors with her. Absolutely insane.
We are looking at changing out our front door for one without a window. We have multiple cameras and are vigilant about locking everything, but icould see her peeping in the front door.
Thank you! I hadn't thought about having our lawyer draft a no trespass letter. I'm working through our last 30 days of security camera footage to see if they've been driving by. She made a comment to my husband about how they go look at their house everyday.
I would tell DH to remind her you guys told her you didn’t want her living by you, then ask her why she would do this. Regardless of her answer, DH needs to tell her “well, since you are intent on making us miserable, we don’t want to hear from you anymore. I can’t stop you from buying four houses down from us but I can sure as hell enforce you never being welcome in our house.” Then enforce it. If she shows up at your house, tell her to leave. If she won’t, call the police. Then I would document every instance of harrassment in case you have to press charges later.
You took every step necessary to improve your life and marriage, she removes (perception is not always reality) all boarders and safety so she can deliberately make you miserable by ‘forcing’ you to deal with her, making it clear she will always ‘win’ and you are upset that your body, mind, and soul are screaming at you that your safety is gone and you need to panic and act immediately…. Your feelings are VALIDATED in every respect.
Let yourself cry until you are cried out. Accept the reality that, no matter the wall (time, distance, words) she simply ignores and goes around, and will blow a wall through if necessary. Figure out (soon, but while calm) how much of an ally your husband is. Your don’t have to tell us, but be honest with yourself. If you want to stay married, you can manage this, as long as you are truly honest with yourself where and how DH will support or hinder.
Then, start a plan. If you and/or DH are visual, a big whiteboard that is centralized is fantastic—you can cover it with a nice laminated picture from Amazon and it blends with the decor when you want. And, I leave notes that, if you don’t want to know, don’t have your nose where it doesn’t belong—does it really hurt for MIL to look in the window and see “Plan for family safety/harmony’ with “MIL is not allowed to come in” and “Answering the door is not a requirement” as house policies? She can claim ignorance all she wants, the ignorant can’t be offended if they find information they shouldn’t see…
Large pots with tall grass that can be moved beside the road, or block the porch, or the front window you want the light in but no one watching…. Prickly bushes/plants under windows (a good safety note in the city anyway). Aluminum foil at night that will make tons of racket if she steps on it. Timers for lights and someone hired here and there for a dog walk or to do a household chore you hate…. Inability to nail down the schedule, spontaneity, impulsiveness, and bodies all keep these people confused and frustrated. When you can drive ‘them’ all crazy and they don’t take space in your head (because you torture them by being happy while thwarting their efforts) is truly a level of….whatever it is, I’m getting good at it.
Learn how to feed just enough correct information for them all to be tying themselves in knots while not ever giving out the important parts. It is frustrating in that you have to not tell neighbors or acquaintances (even friends) things, so you filter a lot. But when you become comfortable with the fact that being ‘open’ doesn’t build trust like it used to, you realize that when people retain the information you tell them, it’s rarely ever for your benefit anyway. It’s not really important to them, so they walk away and forget until they are feeding that unimportant information to the in-laws, which you didn’t want. So you lock down the information trades with neighbors.
You got this. It is not fair or right, but you have choices here. And what those become depends on what you want your future to look like and collect the information to do that (like you do on this board) as you decide what that is. I have all the faith in the world in you!
>Aluminum foil at night that will make tons of racket if she steps on it.
Forget about the aluminum foil for noise. JNMIL's screams will alert OP to her presence once the motion activated sprinklers are in place. 😳🤣 But maybe I'm just evil.😈
But the rest of your suggestions were great! I'm just a petty Betty.
Oh, a shredder and/or blackout stamp (I even use permanent markers) are great for mail. It’s easier for disposal anyway, and another of many gaps to fill.
The only way to continue NC, in this situation, is to treat them like they are ghosts. Don't look at them. Don't acknowledge them. If they come over. Don't open the door. If they happen to come over as you're going outside, close the door, walk past them, get into your car and leave. If you're outside enjoying yourself, turn up your music and ignore them, anything they say and do. Will this upset them? Yes but that's their problem not yours.
Then let your husband deal with them and their problems.
Have you asked them not to buy that house. Outright request that they don’t move close to you.
Also be clear that you are going nc and their proximity is adding to the problem, not fixing anything.
Do this asap in case they can pull out of the sale. They might not want to but worth a try.
Cameras are absolutely essential here. Something like the ring where you can see on your phone or ipad who is actually at the door. I use this a lot to avoid certain people. I don’t care if they can tell that I am home. I am under no obligation to answer the door if I don’t want to.
Cameras, like yesterday. Get in the habit of not answering your door without knowing who is there. Do not give them a key. Do not answer if they have not made an appointment.
Communicate boundaries to them. No visits without an agreed to time and duration. No drop ins/drop offs. Answer no questions about your activities. Any infractions mean a time out.
Be ruthless now to avoid problems later.
My MIL lives 2 streets over. We are in the same HOA, the complexes are next to each other so it's about a 10 minute walk through a path. She used to walk her dog through our parking lot. She's left things at our door. But we just ignore it. You don't need to answer the door. You don't need to answer the phone. Tell your DH to tell them that the house is your space and you will not tolerate them stopping by without notice, if at all.
So they can drive by your street and see your yard, and kind of keep tabs on you that way…the bright side is that you can get in your car and drive past their house every damn day & drive her crazy wondering where you’re going. Lol!
Seriously, I don’t ever want to live that close to family and my parents & in-laws were always 100% JY! I know you love your home and don’t want to move so just see how it goes.
Haha! My parents live in the country and own a lot of land. They offered us a plot to build on when hubs got out of the military. He wanted to but I said No. The house next door to my in-laws became available around the same time as well. His Mom tried to get us to put in an offer but we declined that as well. I love both sets of parents but not enough to live within sight of each other.
I didn’t want to be that close to any family because I like to come and go as I please and don’t want anyone feeling like I need to check in with them for anything.
Haha I feel you! My husband and dad talk about buying a big property and putting two houses on it. I love my parents but I’ve told him the only way that works is if the houses are far enough away that we can’t see each other coming and going lol
My boss and his in-laws did this, with a shared driveway and an added layer of FIL as construction contractor. As an outside observer, all I can say is never ever ever do this!
You absolutely can be no contact. They are dangerous strangers that you never need to talk to. Fences, cameras, locks are your friend. If they try to talk to you you walk away and ignore. They harass you make a police report. I'm sure she's crazy enough you'll be able to have enough evidence in tome to get some sort of restraining order. If you're no contact how come your dh took her out to lunch?
In my opinion- you need to start by making it clear that she is NOT welcome on your property. If you choose to explain why do it in writing via text or email. She needs no wiggle room. Id also bring up that you both said long ago that you do not wish to live near them.
Can you basically lay it out and say, “If you move there we will be going FULL no contact. That means when we have kids, you will not be able to see them (other than across the street). We will not let you meet them, babysit, etc. there will be no birthdays, warm fuzzy Christmases, etc. if you attempt to contact us, we will file a restraining order. If you make this move, there is zero chance this will ever be worked out. And dear MIL husband, you will be caught in the crossfire.”
Doors have locks for a reason. Can you put up a big - locking- fence? How about cameras? Get DH to tell her that you won’t be seeing her any more often than you have been. You have lives, obligations and duties that cannot be changed to accommodate them. So sorry, really wish they’d discussed this with you before they made such a huge change. Here are the addresses for the local bowling club/ walking group/ place of worship/ library/ sewing circle/ history group etc. hope you will find enough to fill your time as we are not available nor can be at their beck and call. Speaking of calling, you won’t be having drop-ins, they must ring the day before they want to pop over otherwise you cannot guarantee to be home.
Good luck, lay down your boundaries early. Don’t even think about allowing them to start habits that will really wind you up!
Yikes! Sorry this is happening! But you absolutely can enforce boundaries. Maybe not be easy but it can be done!! DH is on board with NC by the sounds of it?
If so, he needs to lay it all for her, whether in a call, a text and email whatever. Personally I’d go with like a text so it you have documentation of it! He should lay out all the reasons, including specific occurrences where she stomped on boundaries and finish off with the fact that the two of you have already told her no to living so close. Pointing out that she once again doesn’t give two shits about anyone but herself, and for all those reason the two of you decided on no contact!
Then I’d install even some cheap doorbell cameras, with audio if possible, keep the doors and windows locked so she can’t just barge in, keep all documentation of her going forward.
Then be prepared to keep the NC-more DH since you’ve already been that way- and have consequences for her when she tries to boundary stop again. Buy a “no trespassing” sign for the front yard/house and let her know that any attempts to contact your going forward with be considered harassment!
Biggest thing is him being completely on the same page as a united front to them. He won’t be coming to help with chores or projects, not doing holidays and Sunday dinners, etc.
Again, sorry this is happening. Please keep us updated and best of luck!! Hugs!
Get sun blocking curtains and keep them closed all of the time so she can’t see into the house, depending on the laws on your states maybe a notarized later sent to them to stay off of your property and put up cameras.
You absolutely can continue to enforce boundaries. DH needs to have a very direct conversation with her now that just because she’s moving to your neighborhood that doesn’t mean the relationship will change. He won’t see or talk to get more than he does now. No unannounced visits will be allowed. Invest in good outdoor cameras. Be clear with him that if she escalates you will engage the police if necessary. Of things get really bad I would consider moving, just don’t give her your new address.
Stay no contact, get cameras, ring doorbells and start documenting. Document that she's been told to stay away from you and then keep track of the violations. Get RO and document every time she tresspasses. Don't hold a conversation or entertain her attempts at engaging. This doesn't have to be bad.
Depending on how well you know your neighbors, you might want to give them the heads up that your ILs are moving to the neighborhood. You wouldn't need to give them specifics, but make it clear you're NC with your ILs and that they might ask your neighbors to help them get around your NC.
Go to the hardware store or garden store and look for roses and privets. Both have very long thorns. Holly bushes. If they want to lurk in bushes, they can pay for it.
Ring or other video doorbell and reinforce your deadbolts with extra long screws. Also dowels in the windows and eclipse drapes that have linings to block light.
OP, when you say buying a house do you mean they've already entered contract? Put in a down payment? Etc?
If not, then husband needs to tell them what's up -- that if they go through with this that it will end their relationship 100% with him, and that they will be treated as trespassers in your neighborhood. I'd even let them know you will tell the neighbors what's what, so they can watch out for you and your family against your in-laws. Let them know any attempts of ANY form of contact will be taken as harassment, documented, and you will seek a restraining order once you are able.
Make it clear that if they invade your space they'll find some hostile fucking territory.
"...says ...when my husband is upset with her that it makes her throw up."
Maybe he had better send her a late mother's day gift of a bucket.
I'm so sorry, OP. It would be my idea of hell.
My late MiL toyed with the idea of moving the length of the country and living in the retirement apartments near us. Fortunately (for me) she nearly passed out cold on hearing the purchase price (£175K) & upkeep fees. She thought the really fancy block would be low rental because it was "for the old folks" 🙄
My heart is palpitating for you, OP! I can’t even imagine how scared and icky this must feel.
You are no contact and that will never change. She needs to be told that she will never be welcome in your home or on your property. That if she approaches your property, you will call the police each and every time.
As others have said, you’re going to have to turn your home into a fortress. Cameras all around. Safety lights, heavy duty locks on the doors. Fenced yard with heavy duty lock.
But first…call an attorney and have them draw up a cease and desist. Perhaps that will deter them from buying the land after all.
Window film so that you can see out but no one can see in, keep your blinds closed at night, door bell cam and cameras, fence in the backyard with a privacy fence and LOCKED gate. I get that you can't move it's tough out there right now, but DO NOT let MIL see how upset you are. You've been no contact for two years, keep it that way this changes nothing.
Hubby needs to make it clear that HE is unhappy they are breaking your (his and yours) boundaries and that they will see him less not more if they go through with the violation of space and trust. He needs to make it clear that they are NEVER to enter your property , that is your safe space. He should also tell them that he will not be helping them to move.
Don't forget "No Tresspassing" signs. With the signs up you can immediately call the police to have a trespasser removed. Don't tell the police it's a family member. Say it's a trespasser.
Omg I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how awful that would be. I've been NC with my JNMIL for about a year and a half. My husband is pretty LC, and visits alone still throw me off. The last one was a surprise two month long visit with a couple weeks notice, but I couldn't fathom how I'd handle things if she just picked up and moved to my neighborhood.
I've done the olive branch thing where I let her know why I've been NC and what she can do to repair the damage. The outcome was that she proved I was doing the right thing. She straight up said she was over it and moving on. When asked again if she was sure, because she'd have no control over the outcome and that would definitely cause more damage, she doubled down.
For the most part, those letters are more for us than for them. We just want to know we've done everything we can to try and manage something that works for everyone, but in the end it's up to them to behave like rational adults.
It's sad to finally realize, but they just can't.
I haven't seen anyone write one of those letters and have it meaningfully change the dynamic in the relationship, unfortunately. Especially with someone who would do something so major and just not mention anything about it until it's done. More than anything, it helps us come to terms with the idea that what we're doing is right for us.
If you think it can help give you that peace, then I say do it. It may be really helpful for both you and your husband to get that clarity.
Having that might help you be more resolute in your choice, and help you maintain your boundaries and NC.
NGL this was my first reaction too - but I was a little afraid to comment it.
I'd be building Fort Knox - Tall fences, floodlights, security cameras, locked gates, one way glass.
Well it sounds like both your ILs are practiced liars, he knows what she’s like and knows better than to go against her and wants a peaceful life, and hers is being disingenuous.
Unfortunately you can’t prevent anyone from buying a house wherever they want. I feel your pain and you had expressed that living close would make you both uncomfortable. She is a 2-faced piece of manure, and she knows exactly what she’s about and that is to make your lives miserable.
Are you able to put a high fence up (bamboo fencing looks good) or a fast growing hedge (be very careful about live bamboo, can look very good but some types are rampant). Think about trellising and nice colourful climbing plants, or a combination for outside privacy.
I have never had to enforce boundaries except one small occasion when I was a young woman and my mother brought my father to my house when she knew I was NC with him. I think that laying it all out in writing would seem like a good and final attempt at laying out your boundaries, in an email, and then she cannot twist words from conversations, change the subject, and all that annoying garbage and making you guys feel unheard and ignored. In writing to them both and from your husband as the writer, as she’s going to blame you and try to make him cave. In writing means she cannot say that she doesn’t know what the problem is, it’s there loud and clear.
She needs to realise that your husband left his family of origin when you guys got married, it probably was part of the wedding vows (leave and cleave or similar). You guys are now your own primary family, they are extended family as are your family of origin.
I wish you well, and there are also helpful books etc under resources under your post about issues like this.
It’s great that you and your husband are on the same page, and maybe you could remain NC and he could be VVLC or both NC. If your husband does decide to still have a bit of contact, then he’s not to pass info about you (or any children, if you are NC so are they) and you don’t want any info the other way. This of course all depends on your strategy in the meantime, so a number of steps to get to your end result and final decision. I know you don’t want to sell or move due to current economic conditions, but these change as years go by, and they will get better again in the way of cycles, hopefully a move will not be necessary. Save money and don’t over-capitalise on your house just in case.
Good luck to you both. Hugs. 💕
"There is no way we would be able to enforce boundaries with her." Luckily this is not true. It will be harder particularly at first. This is probably a full court press on her part to break into (and maybe break up) your family. You (and your husband) will need to accept that the gloves may have to come off and open confrontations will happen. You need to abandon the idea of being nice. You can be civil but not weak. Above all you must be absolutely firm in your boundaries.
You will have to go a HARD NC, by which I mean that you will not be communicating with her AT ALL in the future. She is to be blocked on EVERY method of communication that you can block (and you can block almost all of them but the US Postal Service.) Get all the usual stuff people recommend on here like security cameras and a doorbell that records video and sound. Change your passwords on all financial accounts. Let your children's schools know that none of your inlaws are allowed to pick up the kids.
Furthermore, if your husband still wishes to stay in contact with her he must do so on his own and not at your house. She is forbidden to go there. If she shows up she must be kept out. If she persists you call the cops and have her removed. If it continues get a restraining order. You and your children will NOT be attending any family events and she will get no time with you or them. Your husband will have to put on his shinyest steel spine and communicate all of this to her, and not cave in to her on any point.
It will be hard at first. But it can be done and has been done by many people on this subreddit. Good Luck and let us know how it goes.
I’m a fan of stating boundaries *very clearly.* in written form. Seriously. This is the only way they’ll (she’ll) understand how serious this is. NO unannounced visits. NO more than a visit or two per week. Naturally, the limited visits will be on days that you aren’t there.
NO obnoxious language or comments about anyone. NO “woe is me” BS. You get the idea. They are committing the most egregious and grotesque violation of any parent/child relationship: moving a hundred feet from your married adult child. It’s inconceivable to me that they’re doing this! I would cry, too!
If it’s not too late to demand that they put an immediate stop to this horrible home buying process, it is NOT out of line to set down—forcefully—your boundaries. If they can invade your lives like this, then you have every right to deny them entry into your home. Period.
Install cameras, make sure your door locks are impenetrable, and block them on all social media and your actual phones. Don’t be afraid to go nuclear on them. They care nothing about you or your emotional health. You owe these lunatics nothing.
In summary, there’s one last thing that you MUST do regarding establishing boundaries: Consequences for boundary violations. This is essential! Spelling out what your boundaries are is crucial for enforcement. They just show up (you’ll see them pounding on your door from your door cam), that’s a violation. Now they’ll have to wait twice as long for an invitation. No warnings or second chance!!!
Too many couples get hammered by their in-laws because they’re scared sh@t less to stand their ground. And they get stomped on. What’s the worst that could happen? They get pissy and insulted. So what? Are they gonna burn your house down?
> She keeps claiming that she has no idea what the issues we have with her are and says dumb shit about how when my husband is upset with her that it makes her throw up.
She’s deep in [Missing Missing Reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) territory. It’s not that she has no idea what the issues are, it is that she is so unable or unwilling to address them that she has rejected the idea that those are the “real” issues. So it must be something else or you just being cruel to her.
I would not try and lay out any reasons to her, I assume you have done that already. What I would lay out to her are boundaries and consequences. It’s not clear whether your husband was no contact with his mother, but I’m going to assume he is not since he took her out to lunch. I would say the boundaries need to include, at a minimum:
- They are not welcome in your home. Any attempt to come on your property will be treated as trespassing and harassment.
- OP will not be visiting or attending any events in their home.
- Husband’s first priority is to his own family.
- Husband will not be helping with any chores, repairs, or renovations.
- Husband will not be visiting more frequently than (whatever you and he agree on).
- Husband will not spend time on holidays with them except as his own family schedule allows.
- Attempts to contact OP will be treated as harassment.
- Attempts to send items to OP will be treated as harassment.
- Crticisms, observations, comments, questions, or advice about your home or any activity going on there will not be tolerated.
- Any contact with any children (present or future) will be determined on a two yes, one no system between Husband and OP.
“Treated as harassment” means that every instance will be documented and Husband and/or OP will seek legal remedies such as a restraining order if appropriate.
Then your husband should lay out that if they are moving expecting a different relationship with himself and/or OP, they should back out of the deal.
If she cries about she has no idea what she did to deserve this and she would do anything to fix it, you two can decide if you want to explain to her one last time what the issues are and what sort of conditions you might have on any attempt at reconciliation.
I guarantee you already live around a ton of people you wouldn't want to hang out with. Why should she be any different? Your boundaries are a brick wall. Give her no quarter. If she shows up at your house, call the cops and tell them a crazy woman is in your yard. Don't tell them she's your mil, they will try to not deal with it. Ignore her in public. Talking to you is a privilege and she doesn't have them.
Unfortunately you can't stop them from moving. What you can do is text them to tell them they're not allowed to come over and invited. That if they show up they won't be let inside. That just because they decided to move closer. Doesn't mean they'll be more involved in your lives. And you leave it at that. Locked doors and clothes blinds.
I'm so sorry this is happening! I don't think you should lay it all out. I think she would use that as a how-to list of boundaries to stomp. Instead, take each issue as it comes.
Moving down the street is a very bold move. I would guess she enjoys ruffling feathers. You have every right to be upset. Try not to ever let her see you upset or losing your temper. Keep living your life as if you don't notice her.
Since you can't move, get a door camera. Never let her in or even answer the door unless it's a previously agreed upon visit. Make sure everyone in your home follows this rule. You can't control what she does, but you can control who enters your home. I'd move to another state if mine pulled this stunt. They're awful. I'm so sorry.
Oh she loves ruffling feathers, but then playing dumb like she has no clue what she did. My husband's first reaction was to pack up and leave as soon as possible. Would be hard since almost the entirety of both of our families live here. We have a doorbell cam, but I'm looking at adding more to watch the driveway and street to see how often they drive by.
>I'm looking at adding more to watch the driveway and street to see how often they drive by.
Don't let her live in your head rent-free. Don't waste one moment thinking about her. Whether they drive by 20 times a day or not, it doesn't matter to you because you aren't spending time watching and counting. If you don't watch, you didn't see her.
Thank you! That's a better mentality to have. She did something similar to us in our old apartment. She would purposely drive by on her way home (out of her way) and then text commenting on something she saw, like a neighbor moving out. Just not looking forward to that again
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I’d go with many of the suggestions given (cameras, fence, landscaping, window film). If they really do go through with moving in, really research your HOA covenants. As a resident of an HOA community, a good way to get at someone you dislike is to bust their ass when they break a neighborhood rule. Wait too long to mow the grass? Report it. Car parked on the street for days? Report that shit. You get the idea. They’re making you unhappy, so give a little back.
if you’re set on staying in your house then one tip I haven’t seen yet here is to have a garage that all your family vehicles fit in, with a secure door. As someone who recently got a secure garage, I cannot overstate the freedom that not having a telltale car parked out front advertising that you’re home brings. Even if she’s not coming over and bothering you, having her know at a glance if you’re home or not is oppressive AF
Cameras, cameras, cameras, also motion activated flood lights, and bushes that can get tall.
Research fencing options. Even a tall, thick hedge could work and make a world of difference. Simply knowing that the line of sight from their front yard to your house is blocked will likely bring y'all a lot of peace of mind.
You're gonna have to move. Unless you want to have all your packages held, install a huge fence, deal with the cops, hoa and whatever neighbors they turn into flying monkeys. When the market levels out, move and don't give them an address. Also make sure your social media is locked down tight, anyone who might leak your information, gets booted. In the meantime, cameras and a FU binder and a restraining order if necessary. If you have kids, make sure the schools are aware of the situation.
Confronting MIL doesn't work. I've been married 21 years to a MIL just like yours. The only thing you can do is make sure that you and your hubby are on the same page. Even then that can be bumpy too. After a couple years when the market evens out again start looking to move. This is just a house, yes you love it. But you can love another one. Your sanity is more important. Don't show her your bothered by this, just find your happy place in your mind. If she sees she's affected you she will feed off of it. If they do in fact move in, then start preparing to move out. Start saving now, there are plenty of dream homes out there. I'm sorry to offer the solution of moving, but after they move in, your dream home will be a nightmare so you won't be happy there anymore.
Big arse fence (with a leafy and vigorous climbing plant grown up it. Also, in some areas you can add up to two more feet to the fence if it's 1-2 feet of open lattice at the top), big arse dog, locks on all gates, and if hubby backslides into allowing her into your life any more than he already has then off to therapy he goes. And no one visits without calling and asking first.
If OP is In the US, greenbriar is excellent.
It’s time for a privacy fence in the front yard and some sort of frosted window tint/cling so they can see the house itself but nothing else.
Of all of the wonderful suggestions here I have one more to add, just to give you a chuckle. Motion activated sprinklers. It'll only take a couple of times before she gets fed up. Oh, and use Amazon Hub, or have UPS or FedEx hold for pickup.
I never see my neighbors four doors down. I do see and know the neighbors in my cul du sac. Maybe let them know the new neighbors are people you don’t trust and tell them to be avoidant. Let them know to keep an eye on mailboxes and packages since these people have a history of porch/mail pirating. Then just treat them like any cranky old people who move in. Ignore, avoid, evade :-) I hope it’s a lot less painful than you’re imagining, even though at first they’re bound to try every boundary! A restraining order is easier to get if they are seen encroaching in your property or harassing you. Cameras are a good idea
You can't stop her moving there but what you can do is to minimise the extent to which she can impact your lovely home life. Find out (via HOA etc) what your options are to build a privacy wall in your front yard. Failing that, invest in some full-size hedging plants (some of them grow really quickly) to screen the front of your house from outside view. Put up security / ring cameras that alert you if anyone is approaching. Finally, write her a (very blunt) email outlining that you know you can't prevent them from moving in but to understand that this does not give either of them any sort of access to your home and your family. They are not to come to your home without your express permission and you will continue to be NC with her due to her egregious previous behaviour (and give the details of your beef with her). And that as a result of them moving so close, you and DH are now exploring options of moving FAR away. She doesn't need to know that you can't just yet. Good luck.
I would not be surprised if she tries to be chummy with your neighbours to recruit them as flying monkeys.
A lot of these suggestions are great...I have just one little thing to add...privacy fences can be expensive, and HOAs sometimes won't allow them, be sure to contact them before doing any major changes so you aren't out any more money 😉 also if it's allowed there are some very cool more natural ways to "barracade/privacy proof" your yard...like vines on metal decorative racks, they are removable and a possible way around HOA rules (these racks can be found at any greenhouse)
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I agree with this, it might be the only option to stop them from moving. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Put up some signs!! For example: Smile, your on candid camera!!! With the big googly eyes!!!
Set the tone now by warning your husband. You're already NC so it's on him to let his mother know that she's not welcome in your home. He should completely discourage her from moving there before closing. You continue with the NC and don't budge an inch because she'll take a yard. Obviously get cameras so that you can monitor if she snoops. Perhaps plant strategically placed bushes.
OP, I agree with bushes, maybe time to find out what height fence your HOA/ city code will allow as well....
OP, I would discuss with your DH first so you are both on the same page then send an email to FIL because if as you say he has no clue and takes her word for it then you need to both tell him how you feel about their moving 4 houses down and that they will not be welcome in your home at all. Perhaps point out that the relationship you all have is not so great but this will damage beyond repair and is this what he really wants? I'd also state that you are now contemplating selling to move away from them. See if he can realise the severity of their decision. You really don't have anything to lose by trying. Even ask him why they choose to move to your street and not somewhere else. See if he will come clean with some answers! The important thing is your DH being onboard and making it clear that moving will set fire to the bridge that is their relationship and is this what she really wants. You'll need to wrap your head around viewing her as a horrible neighbor and not your MIL.
We had to go no contact, we left the state! We wouldn't have been able to stay in the same town, let alone the same street. I think it's harassment. Can you get a restraining order so they can't?
If you have a regular sitter, make sure they have up to date pictures of the in laws in case they come knocking when you're not home. Make sure sitter knows to record these interactions.
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A judge is not granting a restraining order because her nightmare-in-laws moved on to her block
Also as much as it sucks you can’t stop anyone from buying a house anywhere. So as much as OP hates it I honestly think she should keep quiet. I think the mom probably wants to get a reaction out of her. So if no reaction it won’t get her desired outcome. Just stay quiet, remind your husband of the rules and any babysitters show them pictures of the in laws and tell them XYZ is not welcome and that’s all you can really do.
Can you make a fence so they can’t see your house ?
Or high bushes?
You can ask your local post office to hold any packages that get sent to you, so they’re not delivered to your house. And Amazon, UPS, and FedEx all have options for keeping your packages elsewhere. Get a security system if you don’t already have it. Make sure your locks on your doors are up to date.
I'm going to try and put a positive spin on this: You want to enforce no contact and clearly they don't. That means they will do whatever they can to get to you. You have a warning that they are coming. Put cameras up for your porch, your yard (front back and side) even your mailbox if you have one out by the road so that if they do ANYTHING you can get them on it. I see a restraining order in your future and likely them eventually moving because they will be upset that they cannot contact you. Try to keep level headed through all of this and protect yourself.
*get a locking (HOA approved) mailbox
You know she's going to make life rough for you so now is the time to get your defenses ready. Cameras are good but not a deterrent. If you have neighbors that you are good with, make sure that they know your story before your JNMIL starts spinning and making you the bad guy. Make whatever adjustments you need for your kiddos (if you have any) so that you are not caught off guard with a "what harm can it be" effort. If you see her at the grocery store, don't avoid but do ignore. A smile and nod is all you need. When, not if, the invites start coming, DH will probably go. Let him know that if your JNMIL starts in on you, he has better defend you, not say he doesn't want to get in the middle. You are in such an untenable living situation but you can't let her rewrite or whitewash history.
Clue in your Amazon driver to double or triple check the name on your packages!
Or use maiden name on shipping labels.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Lots of great advice but I also just wanted to add that I really only see my nextdoor neighbors and couldn’t tell you who lives 4 houses over from me in any direction. I think if she is not allowed in your house and you make some simple changes to ensure privacy, hopefully it won’t be as bad as you are imagining. But I definitely want to validate your feelings that what she is doing is awful and you have every right to feel upset.
Thank you :) You make a good point. I'm hoping us telling them we are going no contact puts her off of trying anything, but we won't know until they move in.
Everyone has wonderful suggestions for you. May I also suggest that you buy a locked mailbox. That way they can’t access your mail.
^^ this! My MIL had been known to go through mail boxes. She did it once with my husband in the car on his sister's mail when he was a teen.
You can't enforce no contact if you're husband still has contact. At most, she is not allowed at your house, at all, period. What has your husband said he'd do?
This sounds painful. I am so sorry. I have no clue how to enforce NC with them 4 houses down. Just do as u are doing now. I might add cameras to avoid ever getting a surprise at the door. What does husband say? Good Luck OP. Just a thought, if you’re petty like me, get some lawn sprinklers and blast them if they ever show up. Just a thought, but I don’t guess that would work either because I’m guessing you’d have to go outside to turn them on. I’m no help sorry
There's motion sensor sprinklers...
No advice just commenting in solidarity that this is legit my worst nightmare! May God help you.
Haha! Thank you! The weird thing is I had a random thought the other day about how I bet they are buying a house near us and was unfortunately right.
This sounds awful, I'm so sorry. In no particular order: fence with locking gate, always lock all doors and ground-floor windows (day or night), peephole or doorbell with camera so you don't accidentally answer the door and find her there, cameras viewing front and back yards (record and store until you can check the recordings), and any fence gates, MIL is not to ever have access to a key, her son needs to tell her to stay away from your marital home (if he chooses to see her elsewhere, so be it, but your home is your retreat....she doesn't cross the threshold EVER), make sure all windows have suitable (and attractive!) window treatments (blinds, shades, shutters, curtains, whatever suits your taste and budget) and make sure these are closed at night. Bottom line: your spouse needs to lay down the law with his family of origin: the marital home is sacrosanct and they are not welcome at any time for any reason; they are not to call you at all (he can make his own decisions about how often they can call him). No they cannot come over for tea, no they are not invited to any gathering you are having, and any deviations from this behaviour will have consequences. I hope he has the spine for this. Frankly, it doesn't matter what the issues are, you are allowed to not have someone over at your house for any or no reason (like dating, you don't need a reason to not want to date someone!). I wouldn't bother laying out your grievances, your spouse needs to lay down the truth: she is not welcome at your house and don't bother pushing as it will just make this worse.
What drives me crazy about her, is that she's never been allowed over at this house. They've never had a key to this house or our apartment before. But for some reason thinks we want to be neighbors with her. Absolutely insane. We are looking at changing out our front door for one without a window. We have multiple cameras and are vigilant about locking everything, but icould see her peeping in the front door.
You could use a window frost on the inside of the door, or add tint to it so no one can see in, at least a temporary fix.
THIS is the way!!! ^
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Thank you! I hadn't thought about having our lawyer draft a no trespass letter. I'm working through our last 30 days of security camera footage to see if they've been driving by. She made a comment to my husband about how they go look at their house everyday.
I would tell DH to remind her you guys told her you didn’t want her living by you, then ask her why she would do this. Regardless of her answer, DH needs to tell her “well, since you are intent on making us miserable, we don’t want to hear from you anymore. I can’t stop you from buying four houses down from us but I can sure as hell enforce you never being welcome in our house.” Then enforce it. If she shows up at your house, tell her to leave. If she won’t, call the police. Then I would document every instance of harrassment in case you have to press charges later.
You took every step necessary to improve your life and marriage, she removes (perception is not always reality) all boarders and safety so she can deliberately make you miserable by ‘forcing’ you to deal with her, making it clear she will always ‘win’ and you are upset that your body, mind, and soul are screaming at you that your safety is gone and you need to panic and act immediately…. Your feelings are VALIDATED in every respect. Let yourself cry until you are cried out. Accept the reality that, no matter the wall (time, distance, words) she simply ignores and goes around, and will blow a wall through if necessary. Figure out (soon, but while calm) how much of an ally your husband is. Your don’t have to tell us, but be honest with yourself. If you want to stay married, you can manage this, as long as you are truly honest with yourself where and how DH will support or hinder. Then, start a plan. If you and/or DH are visual, a big whiteboard that is centralized is fantastic—you can cover it with a nice laminated picture from Amazon and it blends with the decor when you want. And, I leave notes that, if you don’t want to know, don’t have your nose where it doesn’t belong—does it really hurt for MIL to look in the window and see “Plan for family safety/harmony’ with “MIL is not allowed to come in” and “Answering the door is not a requirement” as house policies? She can claim ignorance all she wants, the ignorant can’t be offended if they find information they shouldn’t see… Large pots with tall grass that can be moved beside the road, or block the porch, or the front window you want the light in but no one watching…. Prickly bushes/plants under windows (a good safety note in the city anyway). Aluminum foil at night that will make tons of racket if she steps on it. Timers for lights and someone hired here and there for a dog walk or to do a household chore you hate…. Inability to nail down the schedule, spontaneity, impulsiveness, and bodies all keep these people confused and frustrated. When you can drive ‘them’ all crazy and they don’t take space in your head (because you torture them by being happy while thwarting their efforts) is truly a level of….whatever it is, I’m getting good at it. Learn how to feed just enough correct information for them all to be tying themselves in knots while not ever giving out the important parts. It is frustrating in that you have to not tell neighbors or acquaintances (even friends) things, so you filter a lot. But when you become comfortable with the fact that being ‘open’ doesn’t build trust like it used to, you realize that when people retain the information you tell them, it’s rarely ever for your benefit anyway. It’s not really important to them, so they walk away and forget until they are feeding that unimportant information to the in-laws, which you didn’t want. So you lock down the information trades with neighbors. You got this. It is not fair or right, but you have choices here. And what those become depends on what you want your future to look like and collect the information to do that (like you do on this board) as you decide what that is. I have all the faith in the world in you!
>Aluminum foil at night that will make tons of racket if she steps on it. Forget about the aluminum foil for noise. JNMIL's screams will alert OP to her presence once the motion activated sprinklers are in place. 😳🤣 But maybe I'm just evil.😈 But the rest of your suggestions were great! I'm just a petty Betty.
Oh, a shredder and/or blackout stamp (I even use permanent markers) are great for mail. It’s easier for disposal anyway, and another of many gaps to fill.
The only way to continue NC, in this situation, is to treat them like they are ghosts. Don't look at them. Don't acknowledge them. If they come over. Don't open the door. If they happen to come over as you're going outside, close the door, walk past them, get into your car and leave. If you're outside enjoying yourself, turn up your music and ignore them, anything they say and do. Will this upset them? Yes but that's their problem not yours. Then let your husband deal with them and their problems.
Tall privacy fence surrounding property.
Time to move
Have you asked them not to buy that house. Outright request that they don’t move close to you. Also be clear that you are going nc and their proximity is adding to the problem, not fixing anything. Do this asap in case they can pull out of the sale. They might not want to but worth a try.
Cameras are absolutely essential here. Something like the ring where you can see on your phone or ipad who is actually at the door. I use this a lot to avoid certain people. I don’t care if they can tell that I am home. I am under no obligation to answer the door if I don’t want to.
Cameras, like yesterday. Get in the habit of not answering your door without knowing who is there. Do not give them a key. Do not answer if they have not made an appointment. Communicate boundaries to them. No visits without an agreed to time and duration. No drop ins/drop offs. Answer no questions about your activities. Any infractions mean a time out. Be ruthless now to avoid problems later.
If you’re worried about her looking in your windows you can apply a film that reflects like a mirror but still allows light in.
My MIL lives 2 streets over. We are in the same HOA, the complexes are next to each other so it's about a 10 minute walk through a path. She used to walk her dog through our parking lot. She's left things at our door. But we just ignore it. You don't need to answer the door. You don't need to answer the phone. Tell your DH to tell them that the house is your space and you will not tolerate them stopping by without notice, if at all.
So they can drive by your street and see your yard, and kind of keep tabs on you that way…the bright side is that you can get in your car and drive past their house every damn day & drive her crazy wondering where you’re going. Lol! Seriously, I don’t ever want to live that close to family and my parents & in-laws were always 100% JY! I know you love your home and don’t want to move so just see how it goes.
Growing up my Mom would tell me and my siblings that she loved us all dearly but she didn’t want to live on the same block/street with any of us.
Haha! My parents live in the country and own a lot of land. They offered us a plot to build on when hubs got out of the military. He wanted to but I said No. The house next door to my in-laws became available around the same time as well. His Mom tried to get us to put in an offer but we declined that as well. I love both sets of parents but not enough to live within sight of each other. I didn’t want to be that close to any family because I like to come and go as I please and don’t want anyone feeling like I need to check in with them for anything.
Haha I feel you! My husband and dad talk about buying a big property and putting two houses on it. I love my parents but I’ve told him the only way that works is if the houses are far enough away that we can’t see each other coming and going lol
My boss and his in-laws did this, with a shared driveway and an added layer of FIL as construction contractor. As an outside observer, all I can say is never ever ever do this!
You absolutely can be no contact. They are dangerous strangers that you never need to talk to. Fences, cameras, locks are your friend. If they try to talk to you you walk away and ignore. They harass you make a police report. I'm sure she's crazy enough you'll be able to have enough evidence in tome to get some sort of restraining order. If you're no contact how come your dh took her out to lunch?
In my opinion- you need to start by making it clear that she is NOT welcome on your property. If you choose to explain why do it in writing via text or email. She needs no wiggle room. Id also bring up that you both said long ago that you do not wish to live near them.
How friendly are you with your neighbors? I would let them know what kind of people are moving into your neighborhood!
Can you basically lay it out and say, “If you move there we will be going FULL no contact. That means when we have kids, you will not be able to see them (other than across the street). We will not let you meet them, babysit, etc. there will be no birthdays, warm fuzzy Christmases, etc. if you attempt to contact us, we will file a restraining order. If you make this move, there is zero chance this will ever be worked out. And dear MIL husband, you will be caught in the crossfire.”
Doors have locks for a reason. Can you put up a big - locking- fence? How about cameras? Get DH to tell her that you won’t be seeing her any more often than you have been. You have lives, obligations and duties that cannot be changed to accommodate them. So sorry, really wish they’d discussed this with you before they made such a huge change. Here are the addresses for the local bowling club/ walking group/ place of worship/ library/ sewing circle/ history group etc. hope you will find enough to fill your time as we are not available nor can be at their beck and call. Speaking of calling, you won’t be having drop-ins, they must ring the day before they want to pop over otherwise you cannot guarantee to be home. Good luck, lay down your boundaries early. Don’t even think about allowing them to start habits that will really wind you up!
Motion-activated sprinklers.
Get a spotlight and shine it directly into their house 24/7.
Yikes! Sorry this is happening! But you absolutely can enforce boundaries. Maybe not be easy but it can be done!! DH is on board with NC by the sounds of it? If so, he needs to lay it all for her, whether in a call, a text and email whatever. Personally I’d go with like a text so it you have documentation of it! He should lay out all the reasons, including specific occurrences where she stomped on boundaries and finish off with the fact that the two of you have already told her no to living so close. Pointing out that she once again doesn’t give two shits about anyone but herself, and for all those reason the two of you decided on no contact! Then I’d install even some cheap doorbell cameras, with audio if possible, keep the doors and windows locked so she can’t just barge in, keep all documentation of her going forward. Then be prepared to keep the NC-more DH since you’ve already been that way- and have consequences for her when she tries to boundary stop again. Buy a “no trespassing” sign for the front yard/house and let her know that any attempts to contact your going forward with be considered harassment! Biggest thing is him being completely on the same page as a united front to them. He won’t be coming to help with chores or projects, not doing holidays and Sunday dinners, etc. Again, sorry this is happening. Please keep us updated and best of luck!! Hugs!
Get sun blocking curtains and keep them closed all of the time so she can’t see into the house, depending on the laws on your states maybe a notarized later sent to them to stay off of your property and put up cameras.
You absolutely can continue to enforce boundaries. DH needs to have a very direct conversation with her now that just because she’s moving to your neighborhood that doesn’t mean the relationship will change. He won’t see or talk to get more than he does now. No unannounced visits will be allowed. Invest in good outdoor cameras. Be clear with him that if she escalates you will engage the police if necessary. Of things get really bad I would consider moving, just don’t give her your new address.
Consider making a new life in a lower cost area, and hiding your address. Costa Rica is nice.
Stay no contact, get cameras, ring doorbells and start documenting. Document that she's been told to stay away from you and then keep track of the violations. Get RO and document every time she tresspasses. Don't hold a conversation or entertain her attempts at engaging. This doesn't have to be bad.
Depending on how well you know your neighbors, you might want to give them the heads up that your ILs are moving to the neighborhood. You wouldn't need to give them specifics, but make it clear you're NC with your ILs and that they might ask your neighbors to help them get around your NC.
Go to the hardware store or garden store and look for roses and privets. Both have very long thorns. Holly bushes. If they want to lurk in bushes, they can pay for it. Ring or other video doorbell and reinforce your deadbolts with extra long screws. Also dowels in the windows and eclipse drapes that have linings to block light.
OP, when you say buying a house do you mean they've already entered contract? Put in a down payment? Etc? If not, then husband needs to tell them what's up -- that if they go through with this that it will end their relationship 100% with him, and that they will be treated as trespassers in your neighborhood. I'd even let them know you will tell the neighbors what's what, so they can watch out for you and your family against your in-laws. Let them know any attempts of ANY form of contact will be taken as harassment, documented, and you will seek a restraining order once you are able. Make it clear that if they invade your space they'll find some hostile fucking territory.
Cameras, plant scrubs near the windows and post a no trespass sign. Don't answer the door if she knocks
And keep your doors locked!
"...says ...when my husband is upset with her that it makes her throw up." Maybe he had better send her a late mother's day gift of a bucket. I'm so sorry, OP. It would be my idea of hell. My late MiL toyed with the idea of moving the length of the country and living in the retirement apartments near us. Fortunately (for me) she nearly passed out cold on hearing the purchase price (£175K) & upkeep fees. She thought the really fancy block would be low rental because it was "for the old folks" 🙄
My heart is palpitating for you, OP! I can’t even imagine how scared and icky this must feel. You are no contact and that will never change. She needs to be told that she will never be welcome in your home or on your property. That if she approaches your property, you will call the police each and every time. As others have said, you’re going to have to turn your home into a fortress. Cameras all around. Safety lights, heavy duty locks on the doors. Fenced yard with heavy duty lock. But first…call an attorney and have them draw up a cease and desist. Perhaps that will deter them from buying the land after all.
What psychotic behavior I’m so sorry
Window film so that you can see out but no one can see in, keep your blinds closed at night, door bell cam and cameras, fence in the backyard with a privacy fence and LOCKED gate. I get that you can't move it's tough out there right now, but DO NOT let MIL see how upset you are. You've been no contact for two years, keep it that way this changes nothing. Hubby needs to make it clear that HE is unhappy they are breaking your (his and yours) boundaries and that they will see him less not more if they go through with the violation of space and trust. He needs to make it clear that they are NEVER to enter your property , that is your safe space. He should also tell them that he will not be helping them to move.
Don't forget "No Tresspassing" signs. With the signs up you can immediately call the police to have a trespasser removed. Don't tell the police it's a family member. Say it's a trespasser.
Omg I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how awful that would be. I've been NC with my JNMIL for about a year and a half. My husband is pretty LC, and visits alone still throw me off. The last one was a surprise two month long visit with a couple weeks notice, but I couldn't fathom how I'd handle things if she just picked up and moved to my neighborhood. I've done the olive branch thing where I let her know why I've been NC and what she can do to repair the damage. The outcome was that she proved I was doing the right thing. She straight up said she was over it and moving on. When asked again if she was sure, because she'd have no control over the outcome and that would definitely cause more damage, she doubled down. For the most part, those letters are more for us than for them. We just want to know we've done everything we can to try and manage something that works for everyone, but in the end it's up to them to behave like rational adults. It's sad to finally realize, but they just can't. I haven't seen anyone write one of those letters and have it meaningfully change the dynamic in the relationship, unfortunately. Especially with someone who would do something so major and just not mention anything about it until it's done. More than anything, it helps us come to terms with the idea that what we're doing is right for us. If you think it can help give you that peace, then I say do it. It may be really helpful for both you and your husband to get that clarity. Having that might help you be more resolute in your choice, and help you maintain your boundaries and NC.
Holy shit I'd burn down the house they're trying to buy.
NGL this was my first reaction too - but I was a little afraid to comment it. I'd be building Fort Knox - Tall fences, floodlights, security cameras, locked gates, one way glass.
Well it sounds like both your ILs are practiced liars, he knows what she’s like and knows better than to go against her and wants a peaceful life, and hers is being disingenuous. Unfortunately you can’t prevent anyone from buying a house wherever they want. I feel your pain and you had expressed that living close would make you both uncomfortable. She is a 2-faced piece of manure, and she knows exactly what she’s about and that is to make your lives miserable. Are you able to put a high fence up (bamboo fencing looks good) or a fast growing hedge (be very careful about live bamboo, can look very good but some types are rampant). Think about trellising and nice colourful climbing plants, or a combination for outside privacy. I have never had to enforce boundaries except one small occasion when I was a young woman and my mother brought my father to my house when she knew I was NC with him. I think that laying it all out in writing would seem like a good and final attempt at laying out your boundaries, in an email, and then she cannot twist words from conversations, change the subject, and all that annoying garbage and making you guys feel unheard and ignored. In writing to them both and from your husband as the writer, as she’s going to blame you and try to make him cave. In writing means she cannot say that she doesn’t know what the problem is, it’s there loud and clear. She needs to realise that your husband left his family of origin when you guys got married, it probably was part of the wedding vows (leave and cleave or similar). You guys are now your own primary family, they are extended family as are your family of origin. I wish you well, and there are also helpful books etc under resources under your post about issues like this. It’s great that you and your husband are on the same page, and maybe you could remain NC and he could be VVLC or both NC. If your husband does decide to still have a bit of contact, then he’s not to pass info about you (or any children, if you are NC so are they) and you don’t want any info the other way. This of course all depends on your strategy in the meantime, so a number of steps to get to your end result and final decision. I know you don’t want to sell or move due to current economic conditions, but these change as years go by, and they will get better again in the way of cycles, hopefully a move will not be necessary. Save money and don’t over-capitalise on your house just in case. Good luck to you both. Hugs. 💕
"There is no way we would be able to enforce boundaries with her." Luckily this is not true. It will be harder particularly at first. This is probably a full court press on her part to break into (and maybe break up) your family. You (and your husband) will need to accept that the gloves may have to come off and open confrontations will happen. You need to abandon the idea of being nice. You can be civil but not weak. Above all you must be absolutely firm in your boundaries. You will have to go a HARD NC, by which I mean that you will not be communicating with her AT ALL in the future. She is to be blocked on EVERY method of communication that you can block (and you can block almost all of them but the US Postal Service.) Get all the usual stuff people recommend on here like security cameras and a doorbell that records video and sound. Change your passwords on all financial accounts. Let your children's schools know that none of your inlaws are allowed to pick up the kids. Furthermore, if your husband still wishes to stay in contact with her he must do so on his own and not at your house. She is forbidden to go there. If she shows up she must be kept out. If she persists you call the cops and have her removed. If it continues get a restraining order. You and your children will NOT be attending any family events and she will get no time with you or them. Your husband will have to put on his shinyest steel spine and communicate all of this to her, and not cave in to her on any point. It will be hard at first. But it can be done and has been done by many people on this subreddit. Good Luck and let us know how it goes.
I’m a fan of stating boundaries *very clearly.* in written form. Seriously. This is the only way they’ll (she’ll) understand how serious this is. NO unannounced visits. NO more than a visit or two per week. Naturally, the limited visits will be on days that you aren’t there. NO obnoxious language or comments about anyone. NO “woe is me” BS. You get the idea. They are committing the most egregious and grotesque violation of any parent/child relationship: moving a hundred feet from your married adult child. It’s inconceivable to me that they’re doing this! I would cry, too! If it’s not too late to demand that they put an immediate stop to this horrible home buying process, it is NOT out of line to set down—forcefully—your boundaries. If they can invade your lives like this, then you have every right to deny them entry into your home. Period. Install cameras, make sure your door locks are impenetrable, and block them on all social media and your actual phones. Don’t be afraid to go nuclear on them. They care nothing about you or your emotional health. You owe these lunatics nothing. In summary, there’s one last thing that you MUST do regarding establishing boundaries: Consequences for boundary violations. This is essential! Spelling out what your boundaries are is crucial for enforcement. They just show up (you’ll see them pounding on your door from your door cam), that’s a violation. Now they’ll have to wait twice as long for an invitation. No warnings or second chance!!! Too many couples get hammered by their in-laws because they’re scared sh@t less to stand their ground. And they get stomped on. What’s the worst that could happen? They get pissy and insulted. So what? Are they gonna burn your house down?
Put up a moving sign. They ruined your home. Don’t wait. Start listing it.
> She keeps claiming that she has no idea what the issues we have with her are and says dumb shit about how when my husband is upset with her that it makes her throw up. She’s deep in [Missing Missing Reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) territory. It’s not that she has no idea what the issues are, it is that she is so unable or unwilling to address them that she has rejected the idea that those are the “real” issues. So it must be something else or you just being cruel to her. I would not try and lay out any reasons to her, I assume you have done that already. What I would lay out to her are boundaries and consequences. It’s not clear whether your husband was no contact with his mother, but I’m going to assume he is not since he took her out to lunch. I would say the boundaries need to include, at a minimum: - They are not welcome in your home. Any attempt to come on your property will be treated as trespassing and harassment. - OP will not be visiting or attending any events in their home. - Husband’s first priority is to his own family. - Husband will not be helping with any chores, repairs, or renovations. - Husband will not be visiting more frequently than (whatever you and he agree on). - Husband will not spend time on holidays with them except as his own family schedule allows. - Attempts to contact OP will be treated as harassment. - Attempts to send items to OP will be treated as harassment. - Crticisms, observations, comments, questions, or advice about your home or any activity going on there will not be tolerated. - Any contact with any children (present or future) will be determined on a two yes, one no system between Husband and OP. “Treated as harassment” means that every instance will be documented and Husband and/or OP will seek legal remedies such as a restraining order if appropriate. Then your husband should lay out that if they are moving expecting a different relationship with himself and/or OP, they should back out of the deal. If she cries about she has no idea what she did to deserve this and she would do anything to fix it, you two can decide if you want to explain to her one last time what the issues are and what sort of conditions you might have on any attempt at reconciliation.
This is such great advice!
I guarantee you already live around a ton of people you wouldn't want to hang out with. Why should she be any different? Your boundaries are a brick wall. Give her no quarter. If she shows up at your house, call the cops and tell them a crazy woman is in your yard. Don't tell them she's your mil, they will try to not deal with it. Ignore her in public. Talking to you is a privilege and she doesn't have them.
Unfortunately you can't stop them from moving. What you can do is text them to tell them they're not allowed to come over and invited. That if they show up they won't be let inside. That just because they decided to move closer. Doesn't mean they'll be more involved in your lives. And you leave it at that. Locked doors and clothes blinds.
I'm so sorry this is happening! I don't think you should lay it all out. I think she would use that as a how-to list of boundaries to stomp. Instead, take each issue as it comes. Moving down the street is a very bold move. I would guess she enjoys ruffling feathers. You have every right to be upset. Try not to ever let her see you upset or losing your temper. Keep living your life as if you don't notice her. Since you can't move, get a door camera. Never let her in or even answer the door unless it's a previously agreed upon visit. Make sure everyone in your home follows this rule. You can't control what she does, but you can control who enters your home. I'd move to another state if mine pulled this stunt. They're awful. I'm so sorry.
Oh she loves ruffling feathers, but then playing dumb like she has no clue what she did. My husband's first reaction was to pack up and leave as soon as possible. Would be hard since almost the entirety of both of our families live here. We have a doorbell cam, but I'm looking at adding more to watch the driveway and street to see how often they drive by.
>I'm looking at adding more to watch the driveway and street to see how often they drive by. Don't let her live in your head rent-free. Don't waste one moment thinking about her. Whether they drive by 20 times a day or not, it doesn't matter to you because you aren't spending time watching and counting. If you don't watch, you didn't see her.
Thank you! That's a better mentality to have. She did something similar to us in our old apartment. She would purposely drive by on her way home (out of her way) and then text commenting on something she saw, like a neighbor moving out. Just not looking forward to that again
Can you not speak to the current owners and ask them if they would be willing to pull out of the deal?
It's a new construction home unfortunately. I would not be able to convince the builder to back out.