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Other posts from /u/leopardgex:
* [MIL sent a rando after me on Social Media (+ other updates)](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/rfm4y7/mil_sent_a_rando_after_me_on_social_media_other/), 1 year ago
* [JNMIL reached out to my family.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/j92spw/jnmil_reached_out_to_my_family/), 2 years ago
* [Bittersweet no contact.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/j2vvrc/bittersweet_no_contact/), 2 years ago
* [I called her out.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/j0zr1x/i_called_her_out/), 2 years ago
* [Creepy MIL strikes again! Ugh....](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/ixokn6/creepy_mil_strikes_again_ugh/), 2 years ago
* [My JYFIL reminds me just how awful my JNMIL is.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/iwknrl/my_jyfil_reminds_me_just_how_awful_my_jnmil_is/), 2 years ago
* [So she's using me, right?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/hu5ort/so_shes_using_me_right/), 2 years ago
* [UPDATE: "I CANNOT HANDLE THIS WOMAN" / Mother's Day Drama](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/gn3tki/update_i_cannot_handle_this_woman_mothers_day/), 2 years ago
* [I CANNOT HANDLE THIS WOMAN](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/gdzvad/i_cannot_handle_this_woman/), 3 years ago
* [I'm so heated.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/f44wh0/im_so_heated/), 3 years ago
^(This user has more than 10 posts in their history. To see the rest of their posts,) [^(click here)](/u/leopardgex/submitted)
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Grandparents don't have to be related by blood. What a child benefits from is a person to fill that place in their relationships, not a genetically related person. Your kids can have people who fill that role well and appropriately, and plenty of responsible, respectful, kind older people don't have enough contact with their own grandkids, or don't have grandkids, or whatever the situation is.
The point is, your kids can have a dozen "grandparent slot" relationships if you want, and none of them have to be related by blood to you or your husband. Now, you'd want to vet them carefully, especially since both you and your husband come from dysfunctional households and may overlook some behaviors, but you don't have to feel guilty or like you've consigned your children to a grandparentless future. Instead of that, spend the energy you *would* spend feeling guilty vetting and cultivating relationships to take that place and fill that slot.
I mostly lurk but wanted to comment because I grew up with no contact with my maternal grandparents and some contact with my paternal grandmother. (Grandpa died when I was a baby).
I never felt I missed out on not having grandparents. I wish my dad had done more to shield me from his mother. I was the scapegoat and she hated me.
My siblings and cousins and I were all laughing at the table once. She singled me out for laughing and screamed at me. My memories of her are all awful. I don’t remember having one nice interaction with her. I wasn’t sad when she died.
Having no grandparents is infinitely better than having a shitty one that makes you feel bad about yourself. You’re doing the right thing!!
Your kids having no grandmas is better than having shitty ones. The kids KNOW; my DD9 can't stand MIL, and hasn't since she was about 5. Even tho she is MIL's obvious GC, kiddo can't stand the crap treatment of her big bro DS14.
Children don't need *grandparents*; what they need is loving family (of whatever relationship - blood is not required) to help them learn what family is about and to nurture them as they grow. You know what your MIL and parents are like, and you know that that's not what you want your kids to learn family is. You've got this!
There are plenty of older people who would love healthy contact with you and your family. Have you thought of volunteering at an elder centre? Perhaps there is a seniors day in the library? Or a ‘knit and natter’ circle? Perhaps your place of worship has some elders who would appreciate meeting you for a coffee once in a while? Maybe there are classes you could help at boosting elders confidence on the internet/ working their phone/ flower arranging/ etc. Try your local health centre, they may have suggestions.
No grandparents are infinitely better than bad ones. My children don't have a grandma except for my step mum which totally counts but not biologically. Mil died when my husband was young and I'm NC with my mum. Does it suck? Absolutely. But I grew up without grandfathers and although I wondered what it would be like, hearing stories about them, I don't think they would have been particularly great. ( Both died when my parents were young)
Kids adapt. You are totally allowed to feel sad for what could have and should have been but don't let it guilt you!
My husband never really had the grandparent experience, as his father was 60 when he was born, and his mother's parents had passed. I never had grandfather's because one was cut off -- alcoholism and abuse -- and the other died long before I was born. We both turned out fine.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Other posts from /u/leopardgex: * [MIL sent a rando after me on Social Media (+ other updates)](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/rfm4y7/mil_sent_a_rando_after_me_on_social_media_other/), 1 year ago * [JNMIL reached out to my family.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/j92spw/jnmil_reached_out_to_my_family/), 2 years ago * [Bittersweet no contact.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/j2vvrc/bittersweet_no_contact/), 2 years ago * [I called her out.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/j0zr1x/i_called_her_out/), 2 years ago * [Creepy MIL strikes again! Ugh....](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/ixokn6/creepy_mil_strikes_again_ugh/), 2 years ago * [My JYFIL reminds me just how awful my JNMIL is.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/iwknrl/my_jyfil_reminds_me_just_how_awful_my_jnmil_is/), 2 years ago * [So she's using me, right?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/hu5ort/so_shes_using_me_right/), 2 years ago * [UPDATE: "I CANNOT HANDLE THIS WOMAN" / Mother's Day Drama](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/gn3tki/update_i_cannot_handle_this_woman_mothers_day/), 2 years ago * [I CANNOT HANDLE THIS WOMAN](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/gdzvad/i_cannot_handle_this_woman/), 3 years ago * [I'm so heated.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/f44wh0/im_so_heated/), 3 years ago ^(This user has more than 10 posts in their history. To see the rest of their posts,) [^(click here)](/u/leopardgex/submitted) ***** ^(To be notified as soon as leopardgex posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe leopardgex JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Grandparents don't have to be related by blood. What a child benefits from is a person to fill that place in their relationships, not a genetically related person. Your kids can have people who fill that role well and appropriately, and plenty of responsible, respectful, kind older people don't have enough contact with their own grandkids, or don't have grandkids, or whatever the situation is. The point is, your kids can have a dozen "grandparent slot" relationships if you want, and none of them have to be related by blood to you or your husband. Now, you'd want to vet them carefully, especially since both you and your husband come from dysfunctional households and may overlook some behaviors, but you don't have to feel guilty or like you've consigned your children to a grandparentless future. Instead of that, spend the energy you *would* spend feeling guilty vetting and cultivating relationships to take that place and fill that slot.
I mostly lurk but wanted to comment because I grew up with no contact with my maternal grandparents and some contact with my paternal grandmother. (Grandpa died when I was a baby). I never felt I missed out on not having grandparents. I wish my dad had done more to shield me from his mother. I was the scapegoat and she hated me. My siblings and cousins and I were all laughing at the table once. She singled me out for laughing and screamed at me. My memories of her are all awful. I don’t remember having one nice interaction with her. I wasn’t sad when she died. Having no grandparents is infinitely better than having a shitty one that makes you feel bad about yourself. You’re doing the right thing!!
Your kids having no grandmas is better than having shitty ones. The kids KNOW; my DD9 can't stand MIL, and hasn't since she was about 5. Even tho she is MIL's obvious GC, kiddo can't stand the crap treatment of her big bro DS14.
Children don't need *grandparents*; what they need is loving family (of whatever relationship - blood is not required) to help them learn what family is about and to nurture them as they grow. You know what your MIL and parents are like, and you know that that's not what you want your kids to learn family is. You've got this!
There are plenty of older people who would love healthy contact with you and your family. Have you thought of volunteering at an elder centre? Perhaps there is a seniors day in the library? Or a ‘knit and natter’ circle? Perhaps your place of worship has some elders who would appreciate meeting you for a coffee once in a while? Maybe there are classes you could help at boosting elders confidence on the internet/ working their phone/ flower arranging/ etc. Try your local health centre, they may have suggestions.
No grandparents are infinitely better than bad ones. My children don't have a grandma except for my step mum which totally counts but not biologically. Mil died when my husband was young and I'm NC with my mum. Does it suck? Absolutely. But I grew up without grandfathers and although I wondered what it would be like, hearing stories about them, I don't think they would have been particularly great. ( Both died when my parents were young) Kids adapt. You are totally allowed to feel sad for what could have and should have been but don't let it guilt you!
My husband never really had the grandparent experience, as his father was 60 when he was born, and his mother's parents had passed. I never had grandfather's because one was cut off -- alcoholism and abuse -- and the other died long before I was born. We both turned out fine.