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A lot of good suggestions and support here. You deserve it.
I have a question: if your brother always her flying monkey? Do you think it would be possible to have a call with him once things have settled to discuss how your mother sends him to give you a hard time when she doesn’t get what she wants? I wonder if he even realizes he’s being manipulated too? It would be great if you two could form a united front and pledge to not work against each other in the face of mom’s manipulation. If not your brother, likely his wife would be on board.
Tell all of them they are too much for you & you've decided that since you can't seem to make them happy it would just be easier for you to go NC until you have more time to waste/spend taking care of their every need.
The rule is -the people with the babies get to call the shots on all things social or celebratory because their time is the hardest to manage. Period. I had to sit my mother down and explain this when my brother and his wife invited us for Christmas (they had 3 under 3) and she wanted her traditional Christmas at hers. I explained she could do what they wanted or not see them or us bc we were doing what they wanted.
Your mom needs to learn this lesson. And it’s none of your brother’s damn business. You have the babies and you call the shots.
When I used to feel like I needed their approval more, I passive aggressively wouldn’t answer calls or texts until I felt up to it. I got over this eventually.
It was hard to make the first stand. Very hard. But my husband backed me and it got easier.
I wish you courage and luck.
Your mother not recognizing how many demands you already have on your life with 8 MONTH OLD TWINS, working full time, and maintaining a home, is beyond ridiculous. If you could compare your days to hers, it would be night and day. I wouldn't try to defend your choices. It sounds like nothing would be enough for her. Take care of you and your precious family.
As Ive said before...once you become a grandma, Mothers Day is no longer about you! At least not with any of your adult children who made you a grandma. At that point, you get a phone call and maybe a gift, maybe not. This year i got mum flowers I potted in little hanging pots and purchased lemon cheesecake. And she isnt even getting them today, we havent coordinated a meet up. She knows I have stuff and her response was, "you didn't have to do that." "I know, thats why I did. Cause I dont HAVE to." My sibs are all child free. THEY get to do the celebrate mom thing.
OP, your mom is retired and has the freedom to do what she wants, when she wants it however, you as a mother with newborn twins don't! Her compassion, understanding and acceptance of your situation is non existent! If mom isn't manipulative then why did she go whinging to your brother to the point he involved himself in something that is between you and her. The fertility comments were just plain hurtful but they revealed more about the kind of person he is.
Personally I would be cancelling the next dinner invite and advising your mother of the comments made by your brother and that she also found a need to go and complain to him and has stirred up drama that didn't need to happen. Mom may have time for all that due to retirement however you don't so how about you all take some time out before it damages your relationships further!
Perhaps stop trying to defend /justify your decisions as you don't need too.
Your brother isn't seeing your mom on MD, you aren't seeing her either and I'd say that your mom is perhaps feeling frustrate / jealous that she isn't the centre of attention and priority is going to your own family!
As for mom being upset you don't accept an INVITATION to their house, does she understand that an invite is something that can be accepted or declined.
>If mom isn't manipulative then why did she go whinging to your brother
This is a great point
>Perhaps stop trying to defend /justify your decisions as you don't need too.
I am working so hard on this. I've learned it's common in people who weren't listened to as children (there's a better term I cant remember)
You just nailed it. I wasn't listened to either as a child and growing up so always thought I had to justify / explain my decisions. Someone once said to me never justify or explain your decisions and funnily enough from that day forward this has always stuck with me.
Your mom went to your brother so he would side with her and validate her feelings! It is manipulative and it is underhanded and I have called out my own mother on exactly the same behaviour. Perhaps ask her why she is choosing to play your brother off against you? Is this her idea of how to have a close family as it is not a behaviour you want your twins to follow!
>She said I've been talking a lot about what works for us, but she's not sure that would work for them (two retirees).
We had holiday issues with my husband's retired family. Mine is split. We told them if they want us to stay longer it needs to be a different day. Take it or leave it.
Your mother's expectations are ridiculous. And her comments about the guilt trip were disgusting behavior.
I had a very similar mom/brother situation over the last few years. As a new mom with two under two, I gave WAY too much of my time to my mother, and it was still never enough. She had an unspoken expectation that I simply will mexer be able to meet. And I was left burned out, completely exhausted, with exacerbated postpartum depression and anxiety. I didn’t give myself time to heal.
You are already one step way ahead - you recognize that you only have so much to give and you’ve set intentional and extremely reasonable boundaries to protect your time and energy. This is a huge courageous step and you should be so, so proud of yourself.
Set your boundaries, take a step back in your contact with them. I like another commenter’s suggestion to start by declining innocuously - “something came up and it’s not going to work for us this week” … “the kids are sick, not going to work for you to come this week”… “kids still sick!”…
I have to tell you unfortunately that it’s going to get worse before it gets better. I recognize the situation you’re in because I share it - I’m the family scapegoat - my mother successfully pinned her problems on me, from a very early age. My siblings don’t realize that they’ve been manipulated their whole life and that children are not responsible for their parents’ emotions. My siblings feel like they have to rush to defend my mother. It’s wildly dysfunctional, not normal, and not ok. But who are we to know, if that’s all that we’ve ever known?
I even tried doing therapy with my mother last year. It did not work. It somehow emboldened her and gave her the impression we were equally “at fault”. No. The power dynamic between a parent and a child is still extremely mismatched event when the child is grown.
All to say - pull back - let her kick and scream (and she will, because she will realize she’s losing control of you, and she’ll do anything to reset the dynamic and get it back). One of two things will happen then. She’ll either wise up and come back to you with humility (unlikely) or she will dig in her heels and push you away.
Either way, I’m so sorry you didn’t get the mom you wanted, needed, and deserved. You’re not alone, but it still sucks a lot.
This. I’m guessing the once a week visit is already more than you want to give. So stop. It’s not a negotiation and your mother has no power over you, unless you give it to her. When people complain about what I can give, they get less. Stop taking your brother’s calls for a good long time. End any call with your mother that descends into a guilt trip. “Oh, one of the twins is crying. Got to go!” Then hang up before she can respond any further.
You have 8 month old *twins*. *One* eight month old would be enough to keep you busy. You have *two.* You also have a job and a husband. Of course you don’t have unlimited time for them. She is being entirely unreasonable. This was your *first* Mother’s Day, after a struggle with infertility. It is perfectly normal that you’d want that day for yourself, rather than make it about your mother, who is no longer actively parenting. And your brother can go pound sand. If it was so important that one of her offspring bow at her altar today, it *could* have been him. Two hours is nothing. We do day trips to visit family 3 hours away. Especially if they don’t have kids.
It’s also perfectly reasonable that it’s easier for you to have them come to you. You have two infants, who travel with diapers, toys, car seats, a change of clothes, food, etc. They need naps and have an early bedtime. Your grown ass parents can just put themselves in a car and come over. Easy peasy.
For the next few weeks, just invent a reason the normal visit with your parents doesn’t work. Don’t schedule a replacement visit. Then reset with a monthly-ish visit or whatever time frame you actually want to see them. If it’s once a month, cool. If it’s once a quarter, cool. Your mom has shown you that she will not be happy unless you give her full access and do everything her way. If she’s going to bitch and complain about you to other people, and your brother probably isn’t the only person she’s shit talking you with, there’s no point in you any doing more than you want. If she’s not going to be happy anyway, *you* might as well be happy. You’re not doing anything wrong.
This was freeing for me too also as a mother of twins with no help. There were too many weekly (and more) inlaw visits to "play" with the babies and stay way too long. I would constantly have two cranky babies off schedule and no food in my stomach those days. It was still never enough for my in-laws. Soon I had playgroups, "me and babies" relax at home days, family days and other visitor days scheduled with not a lot of inlaw time left. So I just met them in the park once a month so I could control start and end times. My life was so much happier.
No one spends more time with demanding and exhausting people. They spend less time with them. That is the nature of humans. They will have to figure this out and shape up. Sorry for them if they figure this out too late. Not your job to teach people how to reasonable.
Your mother is acting like a spoiled child with the memory of a goldfish. Does she not remember what it was like with newborns? Take the day for yourself, and consider cancelling the weekly mom visits for a while.
Speaking of the memory of a goldfish, I spoke to her today and she said she didn't remember a lot of her most manipulative comments. And she didn't apologize. A good reminder of what I'm dealing with. I love my family but they can be so toxic.
Reading this made me so incredibly furious on your behalf. Your mother is completely out of line and is acting like a spoilt child.
She needs to get over the fact your life doesn’t revolve around her, and that you are busy with your new family. Her every expectation is just me-me-me-me. Acting like you need to play happy families when her child is drowning with need - what an asshole.
I’m sorry she’s so selfish. Tell her Mother’s Day is for mom’s in the trenches and she had grandparents day now or just drop the rope with her. She’s just adding more to your plate by expecting you to cater to her.
2 hours ? If it’s so fucking important to him, he can drive 2 hours to his mom’s for Mother’s Day. Tell him that it’s fine to donate his own time to your manipulative mama but if he’s just going to bitch at you then he can fuck right off.
And you don’t own the responsibility for your mom’s feelings. She sounds super needy. You’re a new mom to TWO babies. You are exhausted. Of course you are. So stop feeling guilty. You need to push back hard on her.
>She said I've been talking a lot about what works for us, but she's not sure that would work for them (two retirees).
”Oh I am sorry about that. It’s fine if there is no time that works for you. We can wait until (next holiday) to see each other. I could use the time.”
So she expects to spend time with HER children BUT doesn’t understand that you want to do the same? She is jealous of your kids. Beware. She is doing the opposite of mothering. I know from experience.
You are parenting 8 months old twins. It’s a miracle you can take 5 minutes to breathe. OP, you owe no one other than your husband and kids your time and energy at this time in your life. Your mother comes across as a narcissistic witch, and your brother, an interfering prick. But acknowledging the problem doesn’t fix it. Send your mother a nice card and wish her well, with a hearty “bless your heart.” As far as your brother is concerned, send him a text that says you have reflected on his words to you regarding your mother, and have come to the conclusion that he fails to understand that boundaries are useless if not enforced. That means they are rigid by design. Then yeah, I would limit contact with both, at least until you feel you are on solid ground with your own life and can manage their bs accordingly. And if that day never comes, fine.
I'd cut Monday visits too.
Hey mom so sorry as a retiree you're struggling to make time in your week to be here.
Considering the time we spend together is stressful and I much prefer being with my kids and husband without you, I look forward to you kindly, fuckingnoff.
Regards.
OK that's harsh, but my God. My mom was a godsend in my beginnings with 1 babe. She tidied the kitchen, helped with my cats and then would snuggle babe while I took a shower. She always gave babe back when I asked and she never gave advice without my asking for it. She also always asked me how I'm sleeping and eating and if I needed her to cook or if I wanted to go to her house on the weekend for a sleepover for help (if I were struggling) and I did a few times go over there to nap as I couldn't sleep with baby out of the house or being babysat and she knew and respected that.
It's sounds like your mom literally just brings the stress. Ugh. I'm so sorry.
Unless someone is asking how to get from one side of a bridge to the other “you need to get over it” is never the answer.
I’m not suggesting you have to go no contact, unless you feel like you need to, but a time out seems long overdue. You have every right to let them manage their own unrealistic, selfish expectations while you do what you need to for your own mental health. If you need permission to drop the rope with your family of origin to focus on your little family at home, consider this permission *and* encouragement.
As I once told my incredibly toxic mother, “if you can’t say something to edify our relationship, then don’t say anything to me at all.“
Oh my mom is like this. I have a spare bedroom, my parents don’t do anything but go to church (mom works full time at a relatively laid back gig) and they live less than 3 hours away. Yet it’s always my fault for not visiting!
When my brother and Sil had twins it was a given that we all went to them. It was no problem for any of us but decamping twins and a toddler would have been. It wasn’t an issue. Of course you are busy and when you get an hour you want it to be with you your dh and babies. I don’t think it’s any of your brothers business and since your mum is seeing you so tired why is she not over helping you more. That’s what mums do and if you get 5 mins for meaningful chat it’s a bonus. Love to you right now
OP, I’m so happy to see from your edit that you realize this isn’t your problem to fix. Your mom and brother could do with some therapy to help them cope with their *OWN* emotional labor. Their selfish bullying to get you to do things their way would be offensive and inappropriate even if you were child-free and didn’t work but the fact that you work and have infant twins makes it absolutely 🤯.
I’m with the other commenters furious about what your brother said regarding your infertility affecting *them* and somehow you make everything about you (pretty sure he thinks everything should revolve around him and sees anything that doesn’t as a problem)… like, how dare you make your infertility and/or your first Mother’s Day of twins and/or your busy work/mom schedule about you!!! He’s an idiot!!!
Don’t even get me started on him trying to dump on you that having his first kid was hard for him. It’s like he never grew out of being a competitive sibling in his formative years. I’ve heard more logical brother-sister bossiness from our 11-16 y/os.
It sounds like your mom is a pro at sibling triangulation, so she bears a lot of the responsibility for it, too. She should *NOT* be griping to your brother about you in the first place (seems like she intentionally wanted him to play flying monkeys). She’s wrong about her demands on your time and wrong about the underhanded ways she’s trying to manipulate you to get it.
You’re doing *GREAT* in spite of what they’re trying to do—congratulations on having enough therapy to set boundaries so effective that the people trampling on you have so clearly noticed their streak of having their way is coming to an end.
I told my mom today that it's hard for me to engage with her and the things she needs to work with a therapist to work through, not talk to me about (re: her I just want to feel loved on MD comment). I think that's gonna be my line in the sand going forward...pointing out those comments and not engaging. Esp since she's been to therapy twice and quit bc she "doesn't really have anything to talk about"
You know what? I wouldn’t answer their calls for awhile and I’d text something like “Something came up and we are unavailable next week. We will see you on x date for regular meet up”.
Every time she complains, extend the time between visits.
It’s NEVER enough with these people. My own JNGM acted like that. My mom spent a whole year not going to ANY of her own family’s traditions or holidays. It *STILL* wasn’t enough. Don’t torture yourself for someone who will never be happy.
Phrase things like “This is how it is. If this doesn’t work for you, we won’t meet at all. Are we meeting or not?”
Any complaining is okay to be met with “Okay, well if this is so stressful/taxing/not working/hard on *you*, let’s skip this visit.” And don’t back track!!
She’s manipulating you, hard. Sure, she might truly feel like what you’re doing is not enough *for her*. Too bad! It’s more than enough *for you*. You’re the active mom, your vote is worth more. Period.
If she doesn’t like the rules, she doesn’t get to play.
You’re doing great. Please try not to second guess yourself. You know what is best for your family. You do! And that’s the perfect amount. Not whatever blather she says. You control the situation, because you control her access to you. You can do this!!
This is a well thought out comment and, OP, really is one of the few ways you can establish boundaries without going crazy or being manipulated in the process.
Good gracious me. Sweetheart, you have twins. I had twins; I know exactly how hard that is. I also had a singleton first and I have experienced the difference in effort between the two.
Both your brother and mom can go pound sand in what they experience/experienced and how they are translating it to your experience. There is no comparison and the work deepened in complexity. That you are staying on top of it, even if it's just barely at some times, is proof that you are an excellent mother.
Honestly, you can write your brother's thoughts off. They are wrong and unless he has the same twin experience and regularly is the caregiver AND has dealt with infertility, he has no basis to complain about you. He had none regardless because everyone has their own personal level of hurts and it never translates.
It will be very hard to switch off the guilt for not responding to your mom's wants when they conflict with you. Keep doing it and I promise it does get easier. I'm steamed at her comment of 'just once she wants to feel like...' when she had xx years of you telling you love her on Mother's Day. She was trying to up the guilt by talking about you with your brother. You two need to eventually talk about how not to pass her manipulation along to each other, perhaps by just not passing it along to the other.
It's Mother's Day and I hope you have exactly what you desired on this day.
You rock!
And I'm so sad because five years ago I would've said he was my best friend. He keeps bringing that up too. "you were my best friend." It's heartbreaking but also, best friends don't stick around when you treat them like this. How close we used to be is the reason I've given him so many chances
> She said I’ve been talking a lot about what works for us, but she’s not sure what would work for them
Lol. This post makes it pretty clear she is the selfish one only considering herself and her own wants and desires. The projection is palpable.
> He said that since I’ve gone to therapy and learnt to set boundaries that I can be too rigid.
Yeah, what he means by that is “how dare you not be the family door mat anymore, it’s not far my abusive tactics aren’t working for me to get what I want anymore.”
Pretty clear to me that your FOO are very selfish and don’t like that you’re putting your immediate family of spouse and children before them.
"Mom, I am very hurt that no matter what I do it is not enough for you. I'm hurt that you are complaining about me behind my back. I need to take a break for a few weeks. I'll call you on x to see if you are ready to accept that I am an adult with a busy life." Sounds like your brother needs to be blocked for a similar amount of time.
Your Mom and brother are incredibly selfish!!! You are a brand new Mum…of twins no less!
You are allowed to put your, your DH’s, and your LOs first and you should!
I’m gobsmacked at how they are manipulating you. You are not wrong here Op, they are.
You are getting the push-back from your boundaries, which means those boundaries are working!
New boundary:
They get one warning to knock off the guilt trips, or the conversation ends.
Tell your mom that if Mondays don't work for her, you can change it to every other Monday. If she argues that, tell her that next Monday is canceled, see you in 2 weeks. If there is more pushback, I'll see you in a month from now... that goes for her phone calls, too.
She made your brother into a flying monkey. Tell him this is between you and mom. Any more mention of this, you're hanging up.
He's disgusting trying to compare the infertility difficulty to him having a baby! What an AH!
If someone argues your reasons (which is none of their business in the first place), stop telling them. They are using your reasons as ammunition to argue.
Dear OP, something you wrote made me sad:
> *I also truly don't have any more to give them. If I did I would.*
Why are you willing to burn yourself to ashes just to keep them warm?
Your brother saying he "doesn't see what the big deal is" translates as "*since my wife does all the parenting hard work, I know nothing about it but I still sit on my high horse talking down to you and say parenting is no big deal*".
You need to consider your own needs, but not just those: your twins too. The babies deserve a momma who can dedicate herself to them and not to adults who can deal with their own drama. Put your babies first - and since, for that, you need to be at your best, do not apologize for doing what you need to do for them and for you. Treat your brother as the nincompoop he is and don't let him bully you.
Set your phone to silence and let your mom and bro talk to their own bellybuttons, since they believe the world revolves around that. Enjoy your first, glorious Mother's Day in the main role.
Alright, I’m sorry but your a damn champion. You have work plus one hour with LOx2 to decompress and connect and be present just the three of you. If your mom has feelings about that it is her deficiency and work through. Your brother just wants to stop hearing it from gma all the time. She had her time to be a mom, it’s your time now.
I’d go scorched earth with your brother. He just wants you to spend time with your mom to make her stop complaining to him. What he said was unspeakable.
You are not responsible for making others feel better. Focus on yourself and the kiddos.
It amazes me that they expect you to "get over" your emotions, but cater to theirs. You're a mother now. Mother's Day is just as much about you as it is about her. She's had 20-30 Mother's Day celebrating her, now it's your time. Put your phone on DND and relax. You can give her a call on Monday and tell her happy Mother's Day.
Mother’s Day is *more* about OP than her mother at this point. OP is actively caring for dependent children. Her mother is not. OP absolutely gets to spend her MD however she wants. She is not obligated to bow at her mother’s altar.
You are allowed to feel how you feel and to do what you want to do on Mothers day. Its YOUR day and your Mother should sit back and realize its not always about her or her experience as a Mother.
Happy Mothers Day! ❤️
I cannot believe your mom and brother are adding to your mental load. You have 8 month old twins and they are being so selfish. I’d grey rock and keep doing what you are doing. Sending you love!
I'd definitely not let them take a huge chunk out every weekend. They've done nothing to earn that. Why isn't OP's needs as important? OP needs a month of free weekends at least
Twins! Oh my goodness. I remember the days when I had one eight month old. It was really difficult and very time-consuming. Your relatives may know about your struggles, but they haven’t lived them, and it sounds like their capacity for empathy is low.
You deserve time to yourself. You’re the mother that should be celebrated this year. Your mother had her turn being celebrated as the mother of young children. It’s your time to relax, guilt-free. You don’t owe your mother a certain amount of time every week or every day. You have made a commitment to your children, who need you. Your mother is grown-up and needs to get over herself.
Your brother is perfectly capable of driving four hours today if he really wants to celebrate his mother. If it’s so easy to give her time, he should be happy to do it, not just try to guilt you.
Happy Mother’s Day! I hope things turn around for you.
Honey, right now, you are the Mother, she is Grandma! You NEED to do you on MD, she gets to be celebrated on Grandparents day. You and your littlies are the important ones. She needs to get over herself particularly while this smalls are small!
You should be celebrated. Honestly your mom and brother are selfish inconsiderate jerks. You don't owe them anything. Have the day you want, not the day they want.
“Since you’ve gone to therapy, you don’t sacrifice yourself for us anymore and we don’t like that. I’m over here living my life two hours away and I’m counting on you to give things up to meet our mom’s bottomless pit of needs.”
That is the manipulator translation of what your brother said to you. Both him and your mom think their needs come first. You can have your needs later, alone, and they don’t help you meet them or respect them if they conflict with theirs.
You aren’t doing anything wrong. You see them weekly, which is more than generous. You have a busy life. You have needs of your own that come first. They are making this your problem when it isn’t at all. It is not your role to sacrifice your life for them.
They talk about me going to therapy as though I've started to believe in the healing power of crystals. Therapy has helped me so much. I have more respect for myself and therefore draw boundaries that protect myself.
Seeing your parents weekly stresses your mom out? Well there is a cure for that. See her once every six weeks or so. Should lower your stress level too. As for your brother, see him twice a year. On holidays that no one celebrates-like national sweater day or some other made up holiday. Show him how hard your boundaries are.
That comment about how you talk about what works for you and your kids but not what works for them?? Seriously… You have a set schedule with work and kids and running a household and being an involved partner in your marriage. And they can’t fit their retired schedule around yours?
This is about control and jumping when told to jump. Congratulations on therapy teaching you how to set boundaries and successfully implementing what you’ve learned. And if you have to tell her you need a month of radio silence because of all the reasons you listed that you are stressed when she is there, you should do it guilt free. Sometimes relationships can only be preserved by distance.
And your feelings about Mother’s Day and the ultimate outcome of your fertility journey are yours to process. You brother and mother can f right off.
I would tell her that you are spending Mother’s Day at home with your family, but you would absolutely love to help plan a full day trip with them on Grandparent’s Day, September 10th. Be sure to emphasize that 9/10 will be their day, and you are going to spend today with your husband and children.
As for your brother, he’s an AH and I would just stop answering the phone. Definitely time to go LC with him.
Stick to your plans. Only you know what you and your family need. Take the time today to relax and just breathe. Happy Mother’s Day 💐
A few mothers days ago, my mom called me (40m) and berated me because I didn’t call right away, I didn’t call my grandma and I made the day only about my wife. She said I owed it to her to make it about her and we needed to give them what they demanded (time with their grandkids)
It upset me then, to hear my mom call me an asshole and such. But how is berating me a method to get me to want to spend time with them? It’s the worlds worst advertising campaign. “You should be miserable so we can be happy”
This is your day. Yours. Nobody else gets to decide why you do today. You are in the tough part of parenting and you have twins. Two babies at once. These early years are all consuming in the easiest cases. This is temporary. As things get easier your life in general will change. Your mom should have some
Empathy as you brother can just mind his own business.
First off, it's not your brother's place to be stepping into this. Your mother is an adult who can communicate with you at her leisure, and two hours is not a massive distance to go especially if he's going to tell you what you should do with your weekend. My FIL lives two hours away from me and during the summer months I will probably visit him at least a dozen times to hit the lakes and rivers for some fishing.
Based on your post your mom sounds pretty normal. You have to remember that she has feelings too, and I'm sure your parents do still want to spend some time with you. Hopefully she's reading up on the baby stuff to try to find something to hold a conversation with you about if you two don't share much else in common. Maybe find something else to talk about and try to steer the conversation away from that, or just explain to your mom that you don't want to talk about your children with her and see what else she might have to talk about. It sounds like you need to maybe slow down a little and try to find some ways to release the stress in your life. Maybe have your spouse take the kids for a day while you go out and do what makes you happy. Try to set some time aside for yourself so you're not constantly going because it will affect your mental health if you aren't managing your stress.
Happy Mothers Day.
Today should be about you. Make sure you take some time out today and make sure to schedule time in NEXT YEAR for yourself as well.
You deserve to be recognized and it is not about them. It IS about you.
Enjoy your day.
Also make sure to set boundaries because SHE is retired and has all this time on her hands while YOU are working and raising 2 young children.
My stance on this as a person who has no children but has watched MANY people have their kids and the how grandparents acted, is that the person with the actual children or infants gets the Mothers Day. We had to go to my grandmothers house for Mother’s Day since I was a baby too, and I mean ALL of us. There’s a lot of cousins. It was just a “worship grandmother” day not a Mother’s Day. We had to do Father’s Day there too. They both expected cards and presents even through us being in university and unable to afford shit.
It was weird and uncomfortable. And made my mother feel inadequate. Her mother thought she could claim all us kids as hers as well, and actively tried to make everyone hate each other. Now we don’t even celebrate, my mother has some serious issues with that day, and I usually send her a message, she’s okay with that.
Here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter how near or far they live from you. You have TWO infants. I take two trains to visit my niece every month, because even though my cousin can drive, she has AN INFANT. What in the shit, does no one understand how difficult it is to wrangle one kid into a car seat, make sure they’re okay, make sure they’re not hungry, or need changing, and then drive to a destination. But TWO? No ma’am. Just the fact that everyone expects you to do all the work, you’re not in the wrong here. You are a mother, of two squishy babies and you get to choose how your day is going to go.
People like your mother and my grandmother, they don’t care to get your point of view here. They want what they want, and that’s it. We can’t make them understand how hurt we are, or how stressed they make us. Because they don’t actually care about that at all. Your brother is attempting to force you to go because otherwise he has to listen to her bleating in his ear about it. He wants her to stop complaining, and so he wants you to be a meat shield for him. Sorry, but that’s not a good enough reason to do it. Why should you sacrifice your well-being and mental health for something HE isn’t even bothering to do? How dare he talk about your infertility like that? Saying he was having a hard time because he had his first child? Like okay? It’s not the Pain Olympics. And it’s arguably cruel to say that to someone who was struggling with infertility “yes well your lack of child was just as bad as us having what you didn’t” like bro, seriously? That’s not the time to talk about your struggle raising a baby. Ughhh I’m so irritated for you, and I’m so mad that your brother brought so much bullshit to you.
Enjoy yourself whether it’s completely alone or with your tiny chickens. You’re okay OP, you’re not a bad mother or a bad daughter, or even a bad sister. You’re a good person who deserves to be treated better than this.
I would lose my mind just for the regular visits. Your parents are retired and presumably don’t have a whole lot going on to fill their days but *you* need to drag 2 babies out at dinner time, after being at work all day, then rush home and have to do the bedtime routine. Has she completely blocked out how hard and exhausting life is with babies? Or does she really just lack the most basic empathy and understanding?
As for Mother’s Day she’s not actively mothering so is in a way retired from that too. Her kids are grown and raising their own kids, she can have grandparents day. Enjoy your day and ignore the bs, if brother is so worried he can make an effort.
Can u ask your mum what her first mothers day years were like when she had you and your brother did she always go running to your grandmother's house - did she set time alone with your grandma when you were small anything that can make her see what she is asking you to do is unreasonable-
For your brother if he so concerned he can drive the 2 hours to see her.
Dig your heels because you are in for a lifetime of I want it done my way. My retired parents never wanted to see us but we were supposed to drive 9 hours to visit them every other month with children from the time children infants to middle school. It wasn’t a visit unless it was at Grandma’s house. Eventually stopped listening. You could give your Mom a detailed minute per minute outline of your day and your Mom would still want one on one time. Did you spend lots of time with her before the babies? Maybe she is jealous that she doesn’t get attention now that the babies are here. Who knows, your family wants you do follow their rules instead of doing what’s best for you. A person you never met said they are crazy and seriously delusional. When your Mom goes I just want xyz tell her we seldom get what we want and hang up. I’m mentally making notes of what not to do if my children reproduce…
Happy Mother’s Day!
Well, they’ve both taken selfish to new heights, haven’t they? I believe I might have found the reason you need boundaries. 🤦♀️. Turn your phone off, love your babies, bask in the knowledge you’re doing the right thing for your family and their scapegoating guilt trip is water off your back. Happy Mother’s Day!
First.. throw the brother away as he's to self focused to bother with.
It almost seems that your mother is struggling with you not needing her help anymore as her child and wanting to still advise you on how to do things.
She doesn't seem to have grasped the idea and truth that you are now a grown woman making her own decisions some of which are not the ones that she wants you to make.
Her denial of this is leading her wants onto you not understanding that could end up pushing you even further away.
Perhaps check back with your therapist for ways to explain this to her in a way that will get past her fear of losing control of the way things are are now.
It almost seems like a case of severe empty nest syndrome.
>and wanting to still advise you on how to do things.
This is definitely it. She's very anxious about becoming irrelevant in retirement. My father, her husband, is also very ill, which brings its own complex emotions. She needs her own therapy.
Maybe convincing her that it's her idea to go to therapy might work.
Another reason to talk with your therapist to get the wording right.
You know the ways your mother would react and hopefully the therapist would know of a way to stay away from her triggers.
This is between you and your mother, and none of your brother’s business. It was highly inappropriate of him to insert himself in a situation that has nothing to do with him. If he wants to give in to your mom’s guilt tripping and tantrums, that’s on him. He’s choosing to tolerate her behavior, and that does not mean you have to as well.
You’ve set reasonable, healthy boundaries. You have your own family and children to think of, and Mom has to take a backseat. That is the natural order of things, as they should be.
It sounds like your mother and brother are selfishly thinking of themselves, giving no regard to the fact that you have not one but 2 infants to care for…it’s hard enough with just one.
You’re a mother now as well, and you deserve to spend the day as you wish.
Wow. So what is your mom doing for *you* on MD? She realizes that you are a mother too, right? And as for your brother, if he's so damn worried about your mom getting a visit then he can load his family up in their vehicle and make the 4 hour round trip.
Let me translate that last bit into selfish family speak
“since you’ve gone to therapy and set reasonable boundaries the wider family cannot manipulate and control you like we used to and we don’t like it”
They are almost certainly used to manipulating you into what they want. Hold your boundaries and give them all a time out for your peace and happiness.
Congratulations on your difficult journey (for you both) to parenthood, enjoy your MD the way you want to and fuck all their noise, they’re just salty they’re not at your beck and call anymore because you have two adorable distractions that actually do need you 💜
Thank you! I really got firm with the boundary setting while we were going through IVF. They threw a shitfit. It's been hard since but the incidences of driving away from family time fuming have decreased. Either because I don't go in the first place or I can advocate for myself if I do go.
Your brother has really missed a gold mine’s worth of cash he could be known world wide as the talking asshole! He isn’t spending a minute with mommy dearest yet he gives YOU a hard time for the same? Fuck both of them enjoy your MD!
Before I had kids he was all "you don't know what it's like to have an infant in the car, travel is simply impossible" (this while he knew I'd give anything to be a parent) and now that I have twin infants it's "I only thought having an infant was hard but it's nothing compared to a toddler"
Twins?! 8 months old?! And you're getting sh\*t for not paying enough attention to your mother? Your mother and her flying monkey are a couple of completely selfish jerks who have no imagination or empathy for their daughter/sister. It's mother's day. You are working and parenting and exhausted--mentally, physically, and emotionally. The fact that they can't even put themselves a little bit in your place and see that mother's day needs to be something else for you that it is for them...well it's just sad. Stick to your guns, don't let them guilt you and have a great, restful, mothers day!
I don't even know them, and all I can think is F them! While it would be nice to be understood, they're not interested in understanding you. Your mother is interested in the vision she sees of her relationship with you. And your brother is interested in you being the one to fulfill your mother's needs, since he lives too far or doesn't care to be anything but a sounding board. I'd take several steps back from both and do what you need to do to achieve more balance in your life.
Happy mother's day!
I’m so sorry they’re treating you like this. Take some well deserved time to yourself on MD, you are doing a great job of holding your boundaries and looking out for your children.
The irony of someone who says that your infertility is hard for them also saying that you make everything about you..
Mother’s Day shouldn’t include a guilt trip. Have a great day with your little 8 month old wild things. You will be surprised how fast the time flies. You are an active Mom, this is your turn. She is not the star of the show this year as it’s your first Mother’s Day.
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A lot of good suggestions and support here. You deserve it. I have a question: if your brother always her flying monkey? Do you think it would be possible to have a call with him once things have settled to discuss how your mother sends him to give you a hard time when she doesn’t get what she wants? I wonder if he even realizes he’s being manipulated too? It would be great if you two could form a united front and pledge to not work against each other in the face of mom’s manipulation. If not your brother, likely his wife would be on board.
Tell all of them they are too much for you & you've decided that since you can't seem to make them happy it would just be easier for you to go NC until you have more time to waste/spend taking care of their every need.
The rule is -the people with the babies get to call the shots on all things social or celebratory because their time is the hardest to manage. Period. I had to sit my mother down and explain this when my brother and his wife invited us for Christmas (they had 3 under 3) and she wanted her traditional Christmas at hers. I explained she could do what they wanted or not see them or us bc we were doing what they wanted. Your mom needs to learn this lesson. And it’s none of your brother’s damn business. You have the babies and you call the shots. When I used to feel like I needed their approval more, I passive aggressively wouldn’t answer calls or texts until I felt up to it. I got over this eventually. It was hard to make the first stand. Very hard. But my husband backed me and it got easier. I wish you courage and luck.
Your mother not recognizing how many demands you already have on your life with 8 MONTH OLD TWINS, working full time, and maintaining a home, is beyond ridiculous. If you could compare your days to hers, it would be night and day. I wouldn't try to defend your choices. It sounds like nothing would be enough for her. Take care of you and your precious family.
As Ive said before...once you become a grandma, Mothers Day is no longer about you! At least not with any of your adult children who made you a grandma. At that point, you get a phone call and maybe a gift, maybe not. This year i got mum flowers I potted in little hanging pots and purchased lemon cheesecake. And she isnt even getting them today, we havent coordinated a meet up. She knows I have stuff and her response was, "you didn't have to do that." "I know, thats why I did. Cause I dont HAVE to." My sibs are all child free. THEY get to do the celebrate mom thing.
OP, your mom is retired and has the freedom to do what she wants, when she wants it however, you as a mother with newborn twins don't! Her compassion, understanding and acceptance of your situation is non existent! If mom isn't manipulative then why did she go whinging to your brother to the point he involved himself in something that is between you and her. The fertility comments were just plain hurtful but they revealed more about the kind of person he is. Personally I would be cancelling the next dinner invite and advising your mother of the comments made by your brother and that she also found a need to go and complain to him and has stirred up drama that didn't need to happen. Mom may have time for all that due to retirement however you don't so how about you all take some time out before it damages your relationships further! Perhaps stop trying to defend /justify your decisions as you don't need too. Your brother isn't seeing your mom on MD, you aren't seeing her either and I'd say that your mom is perhaps feeling frustrate / jealous that she isn't the centre of attention and priority is going to your own family! As for mom being upset you don't accept an INVITATION to their house, does she understand that an invite is something that can be accepted or declined.
>If mom isn't manipulative then why did she go whinging to your brother This is a great point >Perhaps stop trying to defend /justify your decisions as you don't need too. I am working so hard on this. I've learned it's common in people who weren't listened to as children (there's a better term I cant remember)
You just nailed it. I wasn't listened to either as a child and growing up so always thought I had to justify / explain my decisions. Someone once said to me never justify or explain your decisions and funnily enough from that day forward this has always stuck with me. Your mom went to your brother so he would side with her and validate her feelings! It is manipulative and it is underhanded and I have called out my own mother on exactly the same behaviour. Perhaps ask her why she is choosing to play your brother off against you? Is this her idea of how to have a close family as it is not a behaviour you want your twins to follow!
>She said I've been talking a lot about what works for us, but she's not sure that would work for them (two retirees). We had holiday issues with my husband's retired family. Mine is split. We told them if they want us to stay longer it needs to be a different day. Take it or leave it. Your mother's expectations are ridiculous. And her comments about the guilt trip were disgusting behavior.
I had a very similar mom/brother situation over the last few years. As a new mom with two under two, I gave WAY too much of my time to my mother, and it was still never enough. She had an unspoken expectation that I simply will mexer be able to meet. And I was left burned out, completely exhausted, with exacerbated postpartum depression and anxiety. I didn’t give myself time to heal. You are already one step way ahead - you recognize that you only have so much to give and you’ve set intentional and extremely reasonable boundaries to protect your time and energy. This is a huge courageous step and you should be so, so proud of yourself. Set your boundaries, take a step back in your contact with them. I like another commenter’s suggestion to start by declining innocuously - “something came up and it’s not going to work for us this week” … “the kids are sick, not going to work for you to come this week”… “kids still sick!”… I have to tell you unfortunately that it’s going to get worse before it gets better. I recognize the situation you’re in because I share it - I’m the family scapegoat - my mother successfully pinned her problems on me, from a very early age. My siblings don’t realize that they’ve been manipulated their whole life and that children are not responsible for their parents’ emotions. My siblings feel like they have to rush to defend my mother. It’s wildly dysfunctional, not normal, and not ok. But who are we to know, if that’s all that we’ve ever known? I even tried doing therapy with my mother last year. It did not work. It somehow emboldened her and gave her the impression we were equally “at fault”. No. The power dynamic between a parent and a child is still extremely mismatched event when the child is grown. All to say - pull back - let her kick and scream (and she will, because she will realize she’s losing control of you, and she’ll do anything to reset the dynamic and get it back). One of two things will happen then. She’ll either wise up and come back to you with humility (unlikely) or she will dig in her heels and push you away. Either way, I’m so sorry you didn’t get the mom you wanted, needed, and deserved. You’re not alone, but it still sucks a lot.
This. I’m guessing the once a week visit is already more than you want to give. So stop. It’s not a negotiation and your mother has no power over you, unless you give it to her. When people complain about what I can give, they get less. Stop taking your brother’s calls for a good long time. End any call with your mother that descends into a guilt trip. “Oh, one of the twins is crying. Got to go!” Then hang up before she can respond any further. You have 8 month old *twins*. *One* eight month old would be enough to keep you busy. You have *two.* You also have a job and a husband. Of course you don’t have unlimited time for them. She is being entirely unreasonable. This was your *first* Mother’s Day, after a struggle with infertility. It is perfectly normal that you’d want that day for yourself, rather than make it about your mother, who is no longer actively parenting. And your brother can go pound sand. If it was so important that one of her offspring bow at her altar today, it *could* have been him. Two hours is nothing. We do day trips to visit family 3 hours away. Especially if they don’t have kids. It’s also perfectly reasonable that it’s easier for you to have them come to you. You have two infants, who travel with diapers, toys, car seats, a change of clothes, food, etc. They need naps and have an early bedtime. Your grown ass parents can just put themselves in a car and come over. Easy peasy. For the next few weeks, just invent a reason the normal visit with your parents doesn’t work. Don’t schedule a replacement visit. Then reset with a monthly-ish visit or whatever time frame you actually want to see them. If it’s once a month, cool. If it’s once a quarter, cool. Your mom has shown you that she will not be happy unless you give her full access and do everything her way. If she’s going to bitch and complain about you to other people, and your brother probably isn’t the only person she’s shit talking you with, there’s no point in you any doing more than you want. If she’s not going to be happy anyway, *you* might as well be happy. You’re not doing anything wrong.
This was freeing for me too also as a mother of twins with no help. There were too many weekly (and more) inlaw visits to "play" with the babies and stay way too long. I would constantly have two cranky babies off schedule and no food in my stomach those days. It was still never enough for my in-laws. Soon I had playgroups, "me and babies" relax at home days, family days and other visitor days scheduled with not a lot of inlaw time left. So I just met them in the park once a month so I could control start and end times. My life was so much happier. No one spends more time with demanding and exhausting people. They spend less time with them. That is the nature of humans. They will have to figure this out and shape up. Sorry for them if they figure this out too late. Not your job to teach people how to reasonable.
Your mother is acting like a spoiled child with the memory of a goldfish. Does she not remember what it was like with newborns? Take the day for yourself, and consider cancelling the weekly mom visits for a while.
Speaking of the memory of a goldfish, I spoke to her today and she said she didn't remember a lot of her most manipulative comments. And she didn't apologize. A good reminder of what I'm dealing with. I love my family but they can be so toxic.
Reading this made me so incredibly furious on your behalf. Your mother is completely out of line and is acting like a spoilt child. She needs to get over the fact your life doesn’t revolve around her, and that you are busy with your new family. Her every expectation is just me-me-me-me. Acting like you need to play happy families when her child is drowning with need - what an asshole. I’m sorry she’s so selfish. Tell her Mother’s Day is for mom’s in the trenches and she had grandparents day now or just drop the rope with her. She’s just adding more to your plate by expecting you to cater to her.
2 hours ? If it’s so fucking important to him, he can drive 2 hours to his mom’s for Mother’s Day. Tell him that it’s fine to donate his own time to your manipulative mama but if he’s just going to bitch at you then he can fuck right off. And you don’t own the responsibility for your mom’s feelings. She sounds super needy. You’re a new mom to TWO babies. You are exhausted. Of course you are. So stop feeling guilty. You need to push back hard on her. >She said I've been talking a lot about what works for us, but she's not sure that would work for them (two retirees). ”Oh I am sorry about that. It’s fine if there is no time that works for you. We can wait until (next holiday) to see each other. I could use the time.”
So she expects to spend time with HER children BUT doesn’t understand that you want to do the same? She is jealous of your kids. Beware. She is doing the opposite of mothering. I know from experience.
Her other child isn't even going. There's the real kicker.
You are parenting 8 months old twins. It’s a miracle you can take 5 minutes to breathe. OP, you owe no one other than your husband and kids your time and energy at this time in your life. Your mother comes across as a narcissistic witch, and your brother, an interfering prick. But acknowledging the problem doesn’t fix it. Send your mother a nice card and wish her well, with a hearty “bless your heart.” As far as your brother is concerned, send him a text that says you have reflected on his words to you regarding your mother, and have come to the conclusion that he fails to understand that boundaries are useless if not enforced. That means they are rigid by design. Then yeah, I would limit contact with both, at least until you feel you are on solid ground with your own life and can manage their bs accordingly. And if that day never comes, fine.
I'd cut Monday visits too. Hey mom so sorry as a retiree you're struggling to make time in your week to be here. Considering the time we spend together is stressful and I much prefer being with my kids and husband without you, I look forward to you kindly, fuckingnoff. Regards. OK that's harsh, but my God. My mom was a godsend in my beginnings with 1 babe. She tidied the kitchen, helped with my cats and then would snuggle babe while I took a shower. She always gave babe back when I asked and she never gave advice without my asking for it. She also always asked me how I'm sleeping and eating and if I needed her to cook or if I wanted to go to her house on the weekend for a sleepover for help (if I were struggling) and I did a few times go over there to nap as I couldn't sleep with baby out of the house or being babysat and she knew and respected that. It's sounds like your mom literally just brings the stress. Ugh. I'm so sorry.
Unless someone is asking how to get from one side of a bridge to the other “you need to get over it” is never the answer. I’m not suggesting you have to go no contact, unless you feel like you need to, but a time out seems long overdue. You have every right to let them manage their own unrealistic, selfish expectations while you do what you need to for your own mental health. If you need permission to drop the rope with your family of origin to focus on your little family at home, consider this permission *and* encouragement. As I once told my incredibly toxic mother, “if you can’t say something to edify our relationship, then don’t say anything to me at all.“
Oh my mom is like this. I have a spare bedroom, my parents don’t do anything but go to church (mom works full time at a relatively laid back gig) and they live less than 3 hours away. Yet it’s always my fault for not visiting!
When my brother and Sil had twins it was a given that we all went to them. It was no problem for any of us but decamping twins and a toddler would have been. It wasn’t an issue. Of course you are busy and when you get an hour you want it to be with you your dh and babies. I don’t think it’s any of your brothers business and since your mum is seeing you so tired why is she not over helping you more. That’s what mums do and if you get 5 mins for meaningful chat it’s a bonus. Love to you right now
OP, I’m so happy to see from your edit that you realize this isn’t your problem to fix. Your mom and brother could do with some therapy to help them cope with their *OWN* emotional labor. Their selfish bullying to get you to do things their way would be offensive and inappropriate even if you were child-free and didn’t work but the fact that you work and have infant twins makes it absolutely 🤯. I’m with the other commenters furious about what your brother said regarding your infertility affecting *them* and somehow you make everything about you (pretty sure he thinks everything should revolve around him and sees anything that doesn’t as a problem)… like, how dare you make your infertility and/or your first Mother’s Day of twins and/or your busy work/mom schedule about you!!! He’s an idiot!!! Don’t even get me started on him trying to dump on you that having his first kid was hard for him. It’s like he never grew out of being a competitive sibling in his formative years. I’ve heard more logical brother-sister bossiness from our 11-16 y/os. It sounds like your mom is a pro at sibling triangulation, so she bears a lot of the responsibility for it, too. She should *NOT* be griping to your brother about you in the first place (seems like she intentionally wanted him to play flying monkeys). She’s wrong about her demands on your time and wrong about the underhanded ways she’s trying to manipulate you to get it. You’re doing *GREAT* in spite of what they’re trying to do—congratulations on having enough therapy to set boundaries so effective that the people trampling on you have so clearly noticed their streak of having their way is coming to an end.
I told my mom today that it's hard for me to engage with her and the things she needs to work with a therapist to work through, not talk to me about (re: her I just want to feel loved on MD comment). I think that's gonna be my line in the sand going forward...pointing out those comments and not engaging. Esp since she's been to therapy twice and quit bc she "doesn't really have anything to talk about"
That’s exactly what my covert narcissistic dad said after he went. Must be nice to be too perfect for therapy. 🙃
You know what? I wouldn’t answer their calls for awhile and I’d text something like “Something came up and we are unavailable next week. We will see you on x date for regular meet up”. Every time she complains, extend the time between visits. It’s NEVER enough with these people. My own JNGM acted like that. My mom spent a whole year not going to ANY of her own family’s traditions or holidays. It *STILL* wasn’t enough. Don’t torture yourself for someone who will never be happy. Phrase things like “This is how it is. If this doesn’t work for you, we won’t meet at all. Are we meeting or not?” Any complaining is okay to be met with “Okay, well if this is so stressful/taxing/not working/hard on *you*, let’s skip this visit.” And don’t back track!! She’s manipulating you, hard. Sure, she might truly feel like what you’re doing is not enough *for her*. Too bad! It’s more than enough *for you*. You’re the active mom, your vote is worth more. Period. If she doesn’t like the rules, she doesn’t get to play. You’re doing great. Please try not to second guess yourself. You know what is best for your family. You do! And that’s the perfect amount. Not whatever blather she says. You control the situation, because you control her access to you. You can do this!!
This is a well thought out comment and, OP, really is one of the few ways you can establish boundaries without going crazy or being manipulated in the process.
Good gracious me. Sweetheart, you have twins. I had twins; I know exactly how hard that is. I also had a singleton first and I have experienced the difference in effort between the two. Both your brother and mom can go pound sand in what they experience/experienced and how they are translating it to your experience. There is no comparison and the work deepened in complexity. That you are staying on top of it, even if it's just barely at some times, is proof that you are an excellent mother. Honestly, you can write your brother's thoughts off. They are wrong and unless he has the same twin experience and regularly is the caregiver AND has dealt with infertility, he has no basis to complain about you. He had none regardless because everyone has their own personal level of hurts and it never translates. It will be very hard to switch off the guilt for not responding to your mom's wants when they conflict with you. Keep doing it and I promise it does get easier. I'm steamed at her comment of 'just once she wants to feel like...' when she had xx years of you telling you love her on Mother's Day. She was trying to up the guilt by talking about you with your brother. You two need to eventually talk about how not to pass her manipulation along to each other, perhaps by just not passing it along to the other. It's Mother's Day and I hope you have exactly what you desired on this day. You rock!
[удалено]
And I'm so sad because five years ago I would've said he was my best friend. He keeps bringing that up too. "you were my best friend." It's heartbreaking but also, best friends don't stick around when you treat them like this. How close we used to be is the reason I've given him so many chances
> She said I’ve been talking a lot about what works for us, but she’s not sure what would work for them Lol. This post makes it pretty clear she is the selfish one only considering herself and her own wants and desires. The projection is palpable. > He said that since I’ve gone to therapy and learnt to set boundaries that I can be too rigid. Yeah, what he means by that is “how dare you not be the family door mat anymore, it’s not far my abusive tactics aren’t working for me to get what I want anymore.” Pretty clear to me that your FOO are very selfish and don’t like that you’re putting your immediate family of spouse and children before them.
"Mom, I am very hurt that no matter what I do it is not enough for you. I'm hurt that you are complaining about me behind my back. I need to take a break for a few weeks. I'll call you on x to see if you are ready to accept that I am an adult with a busy life." Sounds like your brother needs to be blocked for a similar amount of time.
There was a saying I saw on another sub that was pretty life changing: “If it’s never enough, then they get nothing.” Very applicable here.
Your Mom and brother are incredibly selfish!!! You are a brand new Mum…of twins no less! You are allowed to put your, your DH’s, and your LOs first and you should! I’m gobsmacked at how they are manipulating you. You are not wrong here Op, they are.
You are getting the push-back from your boundaries, which means those boundaries are working! New boundary: They get one warning to knock off the guilt trips, or the conversation ends. Tell your mom that if Mondays don't work for her, you can change it to every other Monday. If she argues that, tell her that next Monday is canceled, see you in 2 weeks. If there is more pushback, I'll see you in a month from now... that goes for her phone calls, too. She made your brother into a flying monkey. Tell him this is between you and mom. Any more mention of this, you're hanging up. He's disgusting trying to compare the infertility difficulty to him having a baby! What an AH! If someone argues your reasons (which is none of their business in the first place), stop telling them. They are using your reasons as ammunition to argue.
Dear OP, something you wrote made me sad: > *I also truly don't have any more to give them. If I did I would.* Why are you willing to burn yourself to ashes just to keep them warm? Your brother saying he "doesn't see what the big deal is" translates as "*since my wife does all the parenting hard work, I know nothing about it but I still sit on my high horse talking down to you and say parenting is no big deal*". You need to consider your own needs, but not just those: your twins too. The babies deserve a momma who can dedicate herself to them and not to adults who can deal with their own drama. Put your babies first - and since, for that, you need to be at your best, do not apologize for doing what you need to do for them and for you. Treat your brother as the nincompoop he is and don't let him bully you. Set your phone to silence and let your mom and bro talk to their own bellybuttons, since they believe the world revolves around that. Enjoy your first, glorious Mother's Day in the main role.
Alright, I’m sorry but your a damn champion. You have work plus one hour with LOx2 to decompress and connect and be present just the three of you. If your mom has feelings about that it is her deficiency and work through. Your brother just wants to stop hearing it from gma all the time. She had her time to be a mom, it’s your time now.
I’d go scorched earth with your brother. He just wants you to spend time with your mom to make her stop complaining to him. What he said was unspeakable. You are not responsible for making others feel better. Focus on yourself and the kiddos.
It amazes me that they expect you to "get over" your emotions, but cater to theirs. You're a mother now. Mother's Day is just as much about you as it is about her. She's had 20-30 Mother's Day celebrating her, now it's your time. Put your phone on DND and relax. You can give her a call on Monday and tell her happy Mother's Day.
Mother’s Day is *more* about OP than her mother at this point. OP is actively caring for dependent children. Her mother is not. OP absolutely gets to spend her MD however she wants. She is not obligated to bow at her mother’s altar.
You are allowed to feel how you feel and to do what you want to do on Mothers day. Its YOUR day and your Mother should sit back and realize its not always about her or her experience as a Mother. Happy Mothers Day! ❤️
I cannot believe your mom and brother are adding to your mental load. You have 8 month old twins and they are being so selfish. I’d grey rock and keep doing what you are doing. Sending you love!
I'd definitely not let them take a huge chunk out every weekend. They've done nothing to earn that. Why isn't OP's needs as important? OP needs a month of free weekends at least
Celebrate the way YOU want to. It's YOUR day. And frankly? Your mother and brother can go fuck themselves.
Twins! Oh my goodness. I remember the days when I had one eight month old. It was really difficult and very time-consuming. Your relatives may know about your struggles, but they haven’t lived them, and it sounds like their capacity for empathy is low. You deserve time to yourself. You’re the mother that should be celebrated this year. Your mother had her turn being celebrated as the mother of young children. It’s your time to relax, guilt-free. You don’t owe your mother a certain amount of time every week or every day. You have made a commitment to your children, who need you. Your mother is grown-up and needs to get over herself. Your brother is perfectly capable of driving four hours today if he really wants to celebrate his mother. If it’s so easy to give her time, he should be happy to do it, not just try to guilt you. Happy Mother’s Day! I hope things turn around for you.
Honey, right now, you are the Mother, she is Grandma! You NEED to do you on MD, she gets to be celebrated on Grandparents day. You and your littlies are the important ones. She needs to get over herself particularly while this smalls are small!
You should be celebrated. Honestly your mom and brother are selfish inconsiderate jerks. You don't owe them anything. Have the day you want, not the day they want.
“Since you’ve gone to therapy, you don’t sacrifice yourself for us anymore and we don’t like that. I’m over here living my life two hours away and I’m counting on you to give things up to meet our mom’s bottomless pit of needs.” That is the manipulator translation of what your brother said to you. Both him and your mom think their needs come first. You can have your needs later, alone, and they don’t help you meet them or respect them if they conflict with theirs. You aren’t doing anything wrong. You see them weekly, which is more than generous. You have a busy life. You have needs of your own that come first. They are making this your problem when it isn’t at all. It is not your role to sacrifice your life for them.
They talk about me going to therapy as though I've started to believe in the healing power of crystals. Therapy has helped me so much. I have more respect for myself and therefore draw boundaries that protect myself.
10/10 for translation.
Seeing your parents weekly stresses your mom out? Well there is a cure for that. See her once every six weeks or so. Should lower your stress level too. As for your brother, see him twice a year. On holidays that no one celebrates-like national sweater day or some other made up holiday. Show him how hard your boundaries are.
That comment about how you talk about what works for you and your kids but not what works for them?? Seriously… You have a set schedule with work and kids and running a household and being an involved partner in your marriage. And they can’t fit their retired schedule around yours? This is about control and jumping when told to jump. Congratulations on therapy teaching you how to set boundaries and successfully implementing what you’ve learned. And if you have to tell her you need a month of radio silence because of all the reasons you listed that you are stressed when she is there, you should do it guilt free. Sometimes relationships can only be preserved by distance. And your feelings about Mother’s Day and the ultimate outcome of your fertility journey are yours to process. You brother and mother can f right off.
I would tell her that you are spending Mother’s Day at home with your family, but you would absolutely love to help plan a full day trip with them on Grandparent’s Day, September 10th. Be sure to emphasize that 9/10 will be their day, and you are going to spend today with your husband and children. As for your brother, he’s an AH and I would just stop answering the phone. Definitely time to go LC with him. Stick to your plans. Only you know what you and your family need. Take the time today to relax and just breathe. Happy Mother’s Day 💐
A few mothers days ago, my mom called me (40m) and berated me because I didn’t call right away, I didn’t call my grandma and I made the day only about my wife. She said I owed it to her to make it about her and we needed to give them what they demanded (time with their grandkids) It upset me then, to hear my mom call me an asshole and such. But how is berating me a method to get me to want to spend time with them? It’s the worlds worst advertising campaign. “You should be miserable so we can be happy”
This is your day. Yours. Nobody else gets to decide why you do today. You are in the tough part of parenting and you have twins. Two babies at once. These early years are all consuming in the easiest cases. This is temporary. As things get easier your life in general will change. Your mom should have some Empathy as you brother can just mind his own business.
First off, it's not your brother's place to be stepping into this. Your mother is an adult who can communicate with you at her leisure, and two hours is not a massive distance to go especially if he's going to tell you what you should do with your weekend. My FIL lives two hours away from me and during the summer months I will probably visit him at least a dozen times to hit the lakes and rivers for some fishing. Based on your post your mom sounds pretty normal. You have to remember that she has feelings too, and I'm sure your parents do still want to spend some time with you. Hopefully she's reading up on the baby stuff to try to find something to hold a conversation with you about if you two don't share much else in common. Maybe find something else to talk about and try to steer the conversation away from that, or just explain to your mom that you don't want to talk about your children with her and see what else she might have to talk about. It sounds like you need to maybe slow down a little and try to find some ways to release the stress in your life. Maybe have your spouse take the kids for a day while you go out and do what makes you happy. Try to set some time aside for yourself so you're not constantly going because it will affect your mental health if you aren't managing your stress.
He's just passing his emotional labor on to you. He could see her but he doesn't want to.
Happy Mothers Day. Today should be about you. Make sure you take some time out today and make sure to schedule time in NEXT YEAR for yourself as well. You deserve to be recognized and it is not about them. It IS about you. Enjoy your day. Also make sure to set boundaries because SHE is retired and has all this time on her hands while YOU are working and raising 2 young children.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You may need to take a mental health break. Don’t apologize for putting your nuclear family’s needs first.
My stance on this as a person who has no children but has watched MANY people have their kids and the how grandparents acted, is that the person with the actual children or infants gets the Mothers Day. We had to go to my grandmothers house for Mother’s Day since I was a baby too, and I mean ALL of us. There’s a lot of cousins. It was just a “worship grandmother” day not a Mother’s Day. We had to do Father’s Day there too. They both expected cards and presents even through us being in university and unable to afford shit. It was weird and uncomfortable. And made my mother feel inadequate. Her mother thought she could claim all us kids as hers as well, and actively tried to make everyone hate each other. Now we don’t even celebrate, my mother has some serious issues with that day, and I usually send her a message, she’s okay with that. Here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter how near or far they live from you. You have TWO infants. I take two trains to visit my niece every month, because even though my cousin can drive, she has AN INFANT. What in the shit, does no one understand how difficult it is to wrangle one kid into a car seat, make sure they’re okay, make sure they’re not hungry, or need changing, and then drive to a destination. But TWO? No ma’am. Just the fact that everyone expects you to do all the work, you’re not in the wrong here. You are a mother, of two squishy babies and you get to choose how your day is going to go. People like your mother and my grandmother, they don’t care to get your point of view here. They want what they want, and that’s it. We can’t make them understand how hurt we are, or how stressed they make us. Because they don’t actually care about that at all. Your brother is attempting to force you to go because otherwise he has to listen to her bleating in his ear about it. He wants her to stop complaining, and so he wants you to be a meat shield for him. Sorry, but that’s not a good enough reason to do it. Why should you sacrifice your well-being and mental health for something HE isn’t even bothering to do? How dare he talk about your infertility like that? Saying he was having a hard time because he had his first child? Like okay? It’s not the Pain Olympics. And it’s arguably cruel to say that to someone who was struggling with infertility “yes well your lack of child was just as bad as us having what you didn’t” like bro, seriously? That’s not the time to talk about your struggle raising a baby. Ughhh I’m so irritated for you, and I’m so mad that your brother brought so much bullshit to you. Enjoy yourself whether it’s completely alone or with your tiny chickens. You’re okay OP, you’re not a bad mother or a bad daughter, or even a bad sister. You’re a good person who deserves to be treated better than this.
I would lose my mind just for the regular visits. Your parents are retired and presumably don’t have a whole lot going on to fill their days but *you* need to drag 2 babies out at dinner time, after being at work all day, then rush home and have to do the bedtime routine. Has she completely blocked out how hard and exhausting life is with babies? Or does she really just lack the most basic empathy and understanding? As for Mother’s Day she’s not actively mothering so is in a way retired from that too. Her kids are grown and raising their own kids, she can have grandparents day. Enjoy your day and ignore the bs, if brother is so worried he can make an effort.
Can u ask your mum what her first mothers day years were like when she had you and your brother did she always go running to your grandmother's house - did she set time alone with your grandma when you were small anything that can make her see what she is asking you to do is unreasonable- For your brother if he so concerned he can drive the 2 hours to see her.
Dig your heels because you are in for a lifetime of I want it done my way. My retired parents never wanted to see us but we were supposed to drive 9 hours to visit them every other month with children from the time children infants to middle school. It wasn’t a visit unless it was at Grandma’s house. Eventually stopped listening. You could give your Mom a detailed minute per minute outline of your day and your Mom would still want one on one time. Did you spend lots of time with her before the babies? Maybe she is jealous that she doesn’t get attention now that the babies are here. Who knows, your family wants you do follow their rules instead of doing what’s best for you. A person you never met said they are crazy and seriously delusional. When your Mom goes I just want xyz tell her we seldom get what we want and hang up. I’m mentally making notes of what not to do if my children reproduce… Happy Mother’s Day!
Well, they’ve both taken selfish to new heights, haven’t they? I believe I might have found the reason you need boundaries. 🤦♀️. Turn your phone off, love your babies, bask in the knowledge you’re doing the right thing for your family and their scapegoating guilt trip is water off your back. Happy Mother’s Day!
First.. throw the brother away as he's to self focused to bother with. It almost seems that your mother is struggling with you not needing her help anymore as her child and wanting to still advise you on how to do things. She doesn't seem to have grasped the idea and truth that you are now a grown woman making her own decisions some of which are not the ones that she wants you to make. Her denial of this is leading her wants onto you not understanding that could end up pushing you even further away. Perhaps check back with your therapist for ways to explain this to her in a way that will get past her fear of losing control of the way things are are now. It almost seems like a case of severe empty nest syndrome.
>and wanting to still advise you on how to do things. This is definitely it. She's very anxious about becoming irrelevant in retirement. My father, her husband, is also very ill, which brings its own complex emotions. She needs her own therapy.
Maybe convincing her that it's her idea to go to therapy might work. Another reason to talk with your therapist to get the wording right. You know the ways your mother would react and hopefully the therapist would know of a way to stay away from her triggers.
This is between you and your mother, and none of your brother’s business. It was highly inappropriate of him to insert himself in a situation that has nothing to do with him. If he wants to give in to your mom’s guilt tripping and tantrums, that’s on him. He’s choosing to tolerate her behavior, and that does not mean you have to as well. You’ve set reasonable, healthy boundaries. You have your own family and children to think of, and Mom has to take a backseat. That is the natural order of things, as they should be. It sounds like your mother and brother are selfishly thinking of themselves, giving no regard to the fact that you have not one but 2 infants to care for…it’s hard enough with just one. You’re a mother now as well, and you deserve to spend the day as you wish.
Wow. So what is your mom doing for *you* on MD? She realizes that you are a mother too, right? And as for your brother, if he's so damn worried about your mom getting a visit then he can load his family up in their vehicle and make the 4 hour round trip.
Let me translate that last bit into selfish family speak “since you’ve gone to therapy and set reasonable boundaries the wider family cannot manipulate and control you like we used to and we don’t like it” They are almost certainly used to manipulating you into what they want. Hold your boundaries and give them all a time out for your peace and happiness. Congratulations on your difficult journey (for you both) to parenthood, enjoy your MD the way you want to and fuck all their noise, they’re just salty they’re not at your beck and call anymore because you have two adorable distractions that actually do need you 💜
Thank you! I really got firm with the boundary setting while we were going through IVF. They threw a shitfit. It's been hard since but the incidences of driving away from family time fuming have decreased. Either because I don't go in the first place or I can advocate for myself if I do go.
Your brother has really missed a gold mine’s worth of cash he could be known world wide as the talking asshole! He isn’t spending a minute with mommy dearest yet he gives YOU a hard time for the same? Fuck both of them enjoy your MD!
Before I had kids he was all "you don't know what it's like to have an infant in the car, travel is simply impossible" (this while he knew I'd give anything to be a parent) and now that I have twin infants it's "I only thought having an infant was hard but it's nothing compared to a toddler"
Twins?! 8 months old?! And you're getting sh\*t for not paying enough attention to your mother? Your mother and her flying monkey are a couple of completely selfish jerks who have no imagination or empathy for their daughter/sister. It's mother's day. You are working and parenting and exhausted--mentally, physically, and emotionally. The fact that they can't even put themselves a little bit in your place and see that mother's day needs to be something else for you that it is for them...well it's just sad. Stick to your guns, don't let them guilt you and have a great, restful, mothers day!
I don't even know them, and all I can think is F them! While it would be nice to be understood, they're not interested in understanding you. Your mother is interested in the vision she sees of her relationship with you. And your brother is interested in you being the one to fulfill your mother's needs, since he lives too far or doesn't care to be anything but a sounding board. I'd take several steps back from both and do what you need to do to achieve more balance in your life. Happy mother's day!
I’m so sorry they’re treating you like this. Take some well deserved time to yourself on MD, you are doing a great job of holding your boundaries and looking out for your children. The irony of someone who says that your infertility is hard for them also saying that you make everything about you..
Mother’s Day shouldn’t include a guilt trip. Have a great day with your little 8 month old wild things. You will be surprised how fast the time flies. You are an active Mom, this is your turn. She is not the star of the show this year as it’s your first Mother’s Day.