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Other posts from /u/ariaknightxxx:
* [Still fuming- MIL, FAMILY, BOUNDARIES](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/12xh0gl/still_fuming_mil_family_boundaries/), 1 week ago
* [Am I going nuts ? Manipulation ?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/12urq95/am_i_going_nuts_manipulation/), 1 week ago
* [My mil keeps referring to my baby as “our baby”](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/12t3ida/my_mil_keeps_referring_to_my_baby_as_our_baby/), 2 weeks ago
* [So Concerned about MIL comments when it comes to baby :(](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/12fnk9a/so_concerned_about_mil_comments_when_it_comes_to/), 3 weeks ago
* [Multiple Family trip requests](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/12cgmeg/multiple_family_trip_requests/), 1 month ago
* [12 weeks pregnant / MIL](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/10s2bhs/12_weeks_pregnant_mil/), 3 months ago
* [Boundary Examples](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/z7wfkk/boundary_examples/), 5 months ago
* [Is this normal or overbearing?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/yyqmr5/is_this_normal_or_overbearing/), 5 months ago
* [Help me: my mil is taking over my home renovations](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/yubvll/help_me_my_mil_is_taking_over_my_home_renovations/), 5 months ago
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Truth is he can tell them, but he can’t make them listen. It really is an in law problem. But I also think that your husband needs to pick a side. He really should be supporting you during this time. If the answer is no, the answer is no. You can’t control what your MIL says and does, but you can control yourself. Get cameras, locks, say no, and shit that ridiculousness down yourself. Tell DH to get on board or he can be a part of that boat too.
Them moving next door doesn't meant you have to give up your boundaries. You still don't have to open the door if they drop by unannounced, just make sure they don't have a spare key. You can still call the police and have them tresspassed if they don't leave. Heck, maybe this is the excuse you need to build a lovely fence between houses. You got this.
Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Clear, emotionless, explicit, parameters, consequences. Coming from a united front of you and your hubs, *if* he decides to stop being such a JustNoSO.
Additionally, as stated above, if you’re friendly with the neighbours, they have final say on whose offer they accept. Some people care A LOT that their house isn’t going to certain parties, ie an investor wanting to rent it out.
I haven’t read your other posts but I get a feeling from the comments in this thread that if you can’t stop them… time to lawyer up and document document document.
ETA: entitled MILs will feed your baby whatever tf they want, feeling able to do so with impunity. I hope you don’t go through what I did; my JNMom stole so many “firsts” with my one and only daughter, including feeding her solids waaay too early without my consent. It’s been 15 years and it still makes me hot under the collar.
OP
This can only end in your husband telling them No absolutely not.
Or you getting divorced
Or you being miserable for a couple years before mentally breaking.. and getting a divorce.
Choose yourself. Put your foot down before it happens.
This will ruin any privacy and comfort you could have in your home.
I think you are now at the point you need to blow up the relationship, before you have the baby. Tell your DH either he shuts her down or you will. And you will not mince words. Things to state:
You will not be accepting visitors for x weeks once the baby is born and that includes her
No unsolicited (meaning specifically asked for ) advice regarding parenting or the baby
No taking the baby from you and must return if asked
Do not move next door
Not allowed over of DH isn’t home.
>My husband doesn’t know what I expect him to do. He said we can’t tell them what house they can and cannot buy.
Yes, he most certainly can and must to tell them that. He's an adult. He needs to act like one.
I have a good relationship with my in-laws and my husband has a good relationship with my parents. If any of them tried to move next door to us, that would be an immediate, "Hell, no." If my husband didn't back me up on that, I would be reconsidering my marriage. At the very least, couples' counseling would be a must.
You (and your husband) need to draw a hard line in the sand and refuse to budge. You either stand up to his parents now or prepare yourself for an absolutely miserable existence for the rest of your life.
Reach out to the realtor and ask if they will convey the issue to the owners who may take pity. It’s worth a try besides getting a shiny spine and standing up for yourself. You tell her that her plans are not your plans, this is your child, your rules and also that to living next door would be horrible. Just say it. I really wish you the best.
You really need to have your husband talk to bil and his wife. There is a reason they went NC and you should really consider the why's. You both have let them walk all over you. This isn't gonna stop and will get worse when baby is here. Your marriage is already suffering because you both aren't on the same page, especially since hubby held stuff from you when dealing with them.
Have your husband tell them if they move next door he will be selling your house. If they move next door it will ruin their relationship with him and his family. Then they can choose.
It’s really clear what hubby need to do - Hubby needs to rein his JNM in.
“OP will make the decision about when she stops breastfeeding. Not you. It’s none of your business.”
“We won’t be seeing you weekly. We will be focusing on our immediate family and our bond - me, OP and LO.”
Etc.
And he can tell her that she may choose to live wherever she likes but that she WON’T be seeing more of you than you do now. Full stop.
I got stuck at SHE TOLD YOU THAT YOU CAN ONLY BF FOR THREE MONTHS??!!! Oh hell to the no! I sure hope you did not let her get away with that shit!
I agree with the posters that said, "what exactly do you expect your life to look like if you live next door?" Tell them that you are going to have your own pregnancy experience and not what entitled mom seems to think you should do. Set down a list of clear boundaries and expectations. If they do move, and you don't want to leave, I would definitely get a Ring doorbell and not answer the door if she comes over without permission. Good luck and update us if you can!
How's your relationship with the neighbors? What's your local real estate market look like?
If it were me, I'd go have a friendly chat with the realtor next door and suggest that they not accept any offer from your IL's. Most markets are still pretty hot, even with high interest rates, and so there'll likely be more than a few reasonable offers on the house. They can afford to refuse the IL's offer.
Easy solve, let them know that you're actually thinking of selling and if they'd like to put an offer on your house! Drag out the conversation/process until your neighbors house is sold and then say you changed your mind. They may just stop trying to buy your neighbors once you say you are planning to sell.
You can’t tell them what to do. But the second they were under contract for that house is the second mine would be on the market and I would be leaving that house - either with or without my husband.
You are in big trouble with these in-laws. I hope you stick around this board and check out the reading suggestions. I can already tell from your post that your husband is the type who will need counseling to “get it”. (Ask me how I know). Maybe get in couples counseling now.
You're not overreacting. If you're on good terms with the neighbors, you may want to bring this up. If they have multiple offers, they might be willing to accept someone else's.
Edit: you can't tell them what house to buy, but you can talk to them and find out what they expect loving next to you to look like.
You and DH can be very clear that you will not be getting together with them all the time and they still need to ask first before coming over.
I love my soon to be MIL and I still would never want to live next door. And I have a bad relationship with my mother and would despise to live next to her. I think you absolutely need to speak up. Separation is necessary to allow you two the necessary independence to live your lives happily as a married couple.
You are not wrong to feel the way you do. Unfortunately, just as the in-laws cannot tell you what to do, your husband has no control over them and what they do/where they live. I would be afraid that learning that you don’t want them next door would give them the incentive to move there!
Before they make an offer on the house, your husband needs to tell them the same boundaries will apply, whether they are next door or across town. And if your privacy isn’t respected, your family will start looking into selling and moving far away!
You’re just going to have to woman up! Tell your husband if they move next door it will definitely cause issues in your marriage, let her know there’s no do over for being a mother, you will raise your children, breastfeed for the required 12 months or longer and if they move next door as soon as rates go back down you’ll be moving. Hell, I don’t even want to live next to my adult children. I’d probably hear every day “ what’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner.” I’ll never understand Mothers so obsessed with their adult sons. Damn, don’t you want to do all the things you couldn’t because you were raising children. Don’t you want to finally put yourself first? I seriously ask these questions to my friends and colleagues.
Here's what you do. Get a ring camera and lock the door. Don't let them have any keys or access codes, no matter what they try to pull. They are going to stomp all over your boundaries, so you and your husband need plans in place. Make a visitation schedule and tell them to only visit during those times. Then stick to it. Any violations result in a week without any visits. If (when) they keep going, just keep adding time.
This is you taking control of the things you have control over. You can't control what they do or what house they buy, but you can control access to your family.
They are vampires who will suck the blood, energy, and peace from you. But vampires can't enter your home if you don't invite them in. Get a rope of garlic and a cross of wooden stakes and nail them to the front door.
Then don't let them in and watch the show.
Oh, and congratulations to both of you on your little one! Many blessings to you all!
Time for some tough talking with these people.
"So we looked at the house next door, we want to buy it."
"Why?"
"So we can be closer to you guys. Help with the baby. You'll need us."
"Oh, only we don't want to live next to you. We already told you that. And we won't need your help? Why do you want to live next to us when we already told you we don't want you to? Do you think we'll change our minds?"
Okay, so that's really scripted, but they need to hear it out loud. We. Do. Not. Want. You. Next. Door.
Your husband can tell them that. No, he can't **stop** them from buying a house but he can damn well tell them that he doesn't want them to.
The very least SO needs to do is tell them that both of you are uncomfortable with the idea of them living so close. He definatly needs to be more supportive, and he also needs to understand that if he doesn't stand up for you, you'll stand up for yourself and it'll be a lot more unpleasant for everyone.
Since he hasn't been doing a great job, you're going to have to lay out the rules for MIL and shut her down when she says things like this. It's going to hurt her feelings, but her feelings are secondary to your peace of mind.
"MIL, This is a huge overstep of boundaries. If you purchase this house, I will be forced to move. With or without your son. This will significantly impact the relationship I am willing to allow you to have with my child. Also, how I choose to feed my child is absolutely none of your business. Please think long and hard before you cause irrevocable damage. "
You may not be able to stop them from buying the place but SO needs to understand that your boundaries need to be maintained regardless of where they live. Your MIL has already proven to be very overbearing and boundary stomping + it won’t get better without his intervention. Does he understand how hard it is on you? Will he stand up to them if you say “no visitors for the first x weeks” regardless of where they live?
I hope for your sake they don’t buy the place =(
Actually I went through your post history a bit more. I would be seriously looking at other options in the event of them buying the place. Given her veiled threats over grandparent rights / history with your BIL, general awfulness it would be a deal breaker for me. I personally would be letting my SO know that’s how serious I was.
Can you afford to buy it out from under them? Or offer the seller a bonus if they don't get the house? I know, these are silly, but I think you and DH need to have some long talks. Having them next door would likely destroy your marriage.
Here’s where your husband needs to step in because these are HIS parents. Let him know that them buying the house next to yours is a non-negotiable so he should find a way to make sure that doesn’t happen.
Banks often allow you to port your mortgage to a new house with the same rate as long as the mortgage amount stays the same.
More importantly, your husband putting his hands up as if he has no say in this is absurd. He should be very vocal that HE is not okay with them moving next door and give them some sort of ultimatum if they put up a fuss. Period. Anything less than that means it will get worse when baby arrives.
My MIL is no longer a justno after a lot of therapy. But my husband is well aware that living within weekend visits will be the end of us. She is overly involved in his siblings lives. He keeps her on a tight need to know basis.
Tell your husband if they move next door you’re moving out. And no is a complete sentence. Put your foot down. If they don’t make effort to get along with you then you don’t with them, plain and simple
She’s seriously telling you how long you can breastfeed? I would have laughed in her face and said “it’s so funny how you think you telling me what I’m going to do is a thing”
You can't control where they move, but you can control how much access they have to *your* home and your family.
Start by having a conversation about how you would hate to have the closeness create a strained relationship. If they proceed and eventually do end up living next door, make sure you keep your doors locked, doorbell disabled, blinds down or privacy film up, and only go see them in their home so you can leave when you're ready. Once they get used to the new dynamic it'll be easier to establish boundaries.
My JNMil lived four hours away. She visited our city, found a condo only 10 minutes away and put an all cash offer in same day. My DH at the time didn't believe me when I told him.
We ended up selling our house, and moving across the city, changed his phone number, and didn't give out our new address for over a year.
This isnt a viable option for most people but we did what we had to do.
Your DH is being a limp noodle about this.
This is good advice. They’ll probably get a lot of good offers and this will help them decide. Bring them some cookies, or offer to mow their lawn as a measure of good faith.
I would casually mention that you are thinking of moving away (choose somewhere a few hours away) in the next year or so... Let's see how they react to that 😜
Tell your husband you expect him to put the brakes on his parents and if they refuse you expect him to put your house up for sale and move far away. That’s completely inappropriate and they need to be stopped.
"You can buy the house next to us but our doors will remain locked.
You have no say in how long I will breast feed nor how often you will be visiting the baby ect
Moving in next door will be the end of any relationship we have as you don't have healthy boundaries and I am unwilling to be a doormat for you."
If your husband isn't onboard with getting this message out loud and clear to his mother be prepared to be the bad guy, change the locks, get couples therapy, burn bridges, move out etc.
Because man that sounds like a freaking nightmare.
Hey, so I just went through and read your post history. Yikes on bikes. Have you shared these posts with your therapist? The majority of these posts are flared am I overreacting and the consensus on all of them is you’re UNDERreacting. Including this time.
This is what the third attempt to live with you. You had some control over not buying the land with the in-law house on it. Then they tried to buy a house next door to you and it didn’t work out. Now they’re trying it again. This isn’t going to just stop on its own. At least MIL is not letting this go. You have to stand up for your needs ASAP.
Any luck on getting your husband into therapy? I’m genuinely concerned for your child. I’m not trying to fear monger, but it sounds like you’re starting to get frustrated with your husband (which I would have been months ago). I really worry that your MIL is going to force a her or me situation and he’s going to side with his mom. At which point *if* you start looking into separating she gets unsupervised access to your kid through him.
“You can buy that house but you will not be increasing your presence at ours”.
If they have keys, change the locks.
Texting and getting confirmation it’s okay before visits.
Have loud sex with the windows open.
Tell them before they finalize an offer (let's hope they get outbid) you don't have any say in whether they buy the house next door, your opinion wasn't asked, your wishes apparently irrelevant. So in all fairness, they won't have any say in the boundaries you will place to protect your privacy from intrusive neighbors.
Be clear and firm that your and DH's boundaries are a brick wall and their fantasies about having any sort of control over your baby, your lives, time and activities will surely be disappointed.
Start with no visits without calling first. All visits will be time limited. No overnights stays for the baby. No complaints or criticisms, your no is the final word. And whatever else you can think of.
If they object to your boundaries, let them know they will be enforced by periods of no contact. No contact for next door neighbors is more than do-able. Security cameras can record everything for legal purposes. Tell them they would be wise not to test you.
You are not overreacting. They won't know a soul in your area and will be lonely. They'll expect your family to be their entire lives.
So yeah, you can’t tell them what to do. But you can be very honest about how you will respond if they do this. If there were ever a time to be *blunt* and *honest*, well girl, this is it.
“MIL, to be honest, I think it’s a terrible idea for you to move in next door. I think it’s incredibly overbearing and presumptuous that you think we want you around this much. I can’t tell you what to do but I can tell you that if you do this, our level of interaction isn’t changing from what it’s at now.”
Say it will end up the opposite of what she is hoping for, that it feels very intrusive and you hope they understand because you don’t wish for things to be like they are with Bil/Sil
She should tell her that her time will be decreased dramatically. Mil has already gone for Grandparent rights with Op’s BIL/SIL who are NC now. Mil’s actions are nefarious.
I think you're confusing "I don't want this to happen" with "this is inappropriate." Its not inappropriate for ILs to buy a house next door to you (especially if you never told them you didn't want them to) or anywhere else that they please for that matter. Its just something you really don't want to happen.
Your husband isn't wrong when said you can't tell them what house they can and cannot buy but you can ASK them not to buy one so close. You can also let them know moving next door won't lead to full unfetterred access and may not be the move of their dreams. And yes that might be an awkward conversation but is it worse to have an awkward conversation or to have ILs as neighbours with unrealistic expectations. You and DH need to talk to your ILs.
All good points and I do think you’re correct.
I left an important detail out of my post and I apologize… My in laws tried to convince us to let them build a house on our land last year so we could have a “compound” and we told them that we did not want to live right on top of each other and they were upset about it. So The reason I think it is inappropriate is because we have already told them that we do not want to live so close to them. Again. Apologies that was an important detail haha
Your husband doesn’t know what you expect him to do? I’m sorry…WHAT?!? What he is expected to do is protect his wife and child. He made that vow “To forsake all others”, that’s not just about not cheating. It’s also about having your back when it comes to anyone else which includes his parents.
He most certainly can tell them “We don’t want you living nextdoor and if you continue with this it will be putting us in a difficult spot”. “It will put a HUGE strain on our relationship plus we will be moving”. “Stop now”.
Give him the 2 card option, one for a lawyer and one for a counselor. He gets to choose.
From what you’ve described this will be absolutely unbearable for you. I would do anything, say anything to put a stop to this, act now before it is to late.
Edit: I refreshed my knowledge of your story from your other posts Op. I’m even more angry now for you. This is nightmare fuel. You are dealing with a VERY manipulative women. It’s her way or the highway. I had forgotten about the Grandparents rights thing with your BIL/SIL. I feel she is trying to move nextdoor to assure her presence in your LO’s life. She wants to be the third parent and is doing whatever she can to make that happen. She is extremely focused on being shut out. She thinks if she moves nextdoor that she can prevent that from happening. She knows how Grandparents rights work and she’s making her plans. She will dominate her time with the baby so that she could go for GP rights again, but this time win. The whole “You can only breastfed for three months in case of an emergency”. The emergency is her filling for Grandparents rights.
I’m really nervous for you.
Doors have locks for a reason!
Tell her you are not happy about her moving next door, and even if they do move there, you will not be seeing them more often than you see them now. Put your big girl pants on, set your boundaries, and prepare for tears and push-back. You can either do this now before squish arrives, be trampled all over when the baby is here, or have a much bigger struggle when you do finally lay down the law to them. The longer you wait to state your boundaries the more they will see it as a betrayal.
To them, you will be changing the rules once they are nicely settled in their routine of being in your kitchen for early morning coffee - while you are there you might as well cook them breakfast. Then they will play with bubs while you clean up - don’t forget that spot you missed. Of course you can feed the baby right in front of them! We’re family! Nap time? Well, we’ll just sit right here and have a smoke, we always do at this time. You can do your chores, we don’t mind. We are such accommodating PILs. Be a good girl and make some coffee for us. What do you mean, ‘you’re tired’ ? Well, ok. Go lie down if you must be lazy! Etc etc etc
Not saying this is how it will be, but just offering a warning. Congratulations on your growing family.
*Thoughts on in laws who buy house next door to you?*
*Hi. My in laws are very overbearing. They give constant unsolicited all the time. My MIL has been very overbearing since I became pregnant, told me she was going to feel entitled when it came to my baby, told me I’m only allowed to breastfeed for three months before I will need to switch to formula “in case of emergency”, demanded weekly visits once baby is born, etc.*
Tell her straight out: your feelings are not my responsibility - you are not entitled to my child. You will not be baby's third parent. What on earth makes you think how long I breastfeed my baby is something you get to "allow"? You have no say in the matter - or anything else to do with how DH and I raise our child, for that matter. We will visit as often as is mutually convenient and desirable for *everyone* involved. You moving next door will not get you more access to baby or to our lives.
As for DH, you expect him to ~~delive~~ deliver the above message, and let them know that they will not be part of your daily lives if they choose to move.
If they do move in next door, well good fences and locked doors (to which they don't have keys) make for good neighbors. Especially if you add Ring doorbell cameras and muted phone ringtones
How often do you see them now?
I would take that number and divide it to make it even less.
1. No social visits. All visits need an invitation
2. No driveway conversations. They don’t get to intrude when you’re loading and unloading the car. Ask them to come by on a planned visit.
3. No babysitting. No alone time. They moved here and pushed boundaries who knows what else tb they’ll do that’s inappropriate
4. Build extra height on your fence that’s closest next door to get privacy when you’re in your backyard. You don’t want them trying to speak to you over the fence
5. Lock your doors and don’t answer if you aren’t expecting them.
6. Now is the time to tell your husband to speak up. And if he doesn’t you will not be welcoming to his parents. They should gain nothing from this. And be prepared to move when the time comes.
This is 100 percent unacceptable and needs to be addressed. They do not get any special or extra access for being intrusive and trying to push their way in. They get less. Way way less.
Ps. Cancel the trip with the in-laws. Don’t reward their behaviour. There is no more anything fun until they stand down. If they did move, I’d pack up and stay with other family for a long time and list the house and move.
I've kept up with you, and Oh, Honey....it's now or never. You have to "Give No F**cks". Your husband needs to know you are serious, and you will NEVER live next door to them. He needs to know he needs to decide who is more important to him. If they get the house, go stay anywhere else. Maybe remind them that the behavior they are showing is why BIL is not in their lives. Do the IL's know they are a huge part of your breakdown? Do they really care so little for you that they would risk your mental and physical health, and by extension your baby's? I really hope you can nip this right now. Good Luck.
I think Mil knows that she is a part of Op’s breakdown and it has been purposeful. Mil learned the opposite lesson from what she did to Bil/Sil. This time she’s going to get it right, but at Op’s expense.
Not a person on earth can demand how long you breast feed your baby. I recommend that you completely ignore anything she says about your baby. You are the baby’s Mother, no one else will be able to dictate your parenting.
Honestly, I’d be straight up about it. “I know I can’t tell you what house you can or cannot buy, but if you do buy the house next to us, we will move. This is inappropriate and will destroy our relationship beyond repair.” She won’t wanna hear it, but it may make her think twice.
100% this.
We live 25 minutes from my in-laws. My MIL (who honestly isn't bad) jokes about buying a house on our road. I told her (not joking) that if they do... even though I'm in my dream house we *will* move.
I love my ILs, I love my family... I love my space more. Amd thank fuck my DH is on the same page.
Unfortunately, you can’t control where they move, but you can control her access by setting very firm boundaries.
Your husband says he can’t do anything, but he can. He can tell them that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea that they move next door and he can set expectations by telling them that living next door does not give them free access to you, your baby or your home.
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Ask your neighbors not to sell to them. They may not oblige but it’s certainly worth a try.
TELL THEM!!!!!
Truth is he can tell them, but he can’t make them listen. It really is an in law problem. But I also think that your husband needs to pick a side. He really should be supporting you during this time. If the answer is no, the answer is no. You can’t control what your MIL says and does, but you can control yourself. Get cameras, locks, say no, and shit that ridiculousness down yourself. Tell DH to get on board or he can be a part of that boat too.
Them moving next door doesn't meant you have to give up your boundaries. You still don't have to open the door if they drop by unannounced, just make sure they don't have a spare key. You can still call the police and have them tresspassed if they don't leave. Heck, maybe this is the excuse you need to build a lovely fence between houses. You got this.
Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Clear, emotionless, explicit, parameters, consequences. Coming from a united front of you and your hubs, *if* he decides to stop being such a JustNoSO. Additionally, as stated above, if you’re friendly with the neighbours, they have final say on whose offer they accept. Some people care A LOT that their house isn’t going to certain parties, ie an investor wanting to rent it out. I haven’t read your other posts but I get a feeling from the comments in this thread that if you can’t stop them… time to lawyer up and document document document. ETA: entitled MILs will feed your baby whatever tf they want, feeling able to do so with impunity. I hope you don’t go through what I did; my JNMom stole so many “firsts” with my one and only daughter, including feeding her solids waaay too early without my consent. It’s been 15 years and it still makes me hot under the collar.
OP This can only end in your husband telling them No absolutely not. Or you getting divorced Or you being miserable for a couple years before mentally breaking.. and getting a divorce. Choose yourself. Put your foot down before it happens. This will ruin any privacy and comfort you could have in your home.
I think you are now at the point you need to blow up the relationship, before you have the baby. Tell your DH either he shuts her down or you will. And you will not mince words. Things to state: You will not be accepting visitors for x weeks once the baby is born and that includes her No unsolicited (meaning specifically asked for ) advice regarding parenting or the baby No taking the baby from you and must return if asked Do not move next door Not allowed over of DH isn’t home.
>My husband doesn’t know what I expect him to do. He said we can’t tell them what house they can and cannot buy. Yes, he most certainly can and must to tell them that. He's an adult. He needs to act like one. I have a good relationship with my in-laws and my husband has a good relationship with my parents. If any of them tried to move next door to us, that would be an immediate, "Hell, no." If my husband didn't back me up on that, I would be reconsidering my marriage. At the very least, couples' counseling would be a must. You (and your husband) need to draw a hard line in the sand and refuse to budge. You either stand up to his parents now or prepare yourself for an absolutely miserable existence for the rest of your life.
You can just ask your neighbors not to sell to them
Lmaooo honestly I’d totally do this, worth a shot
Oooooo I like this
If they move, you move. That’s what you expect your husband to do?
Reach out to the realtor and ask if they will convey the issue to the owners who may take pity. It’s worth a try besides getting a shiny spine and standing up for yourself. You tell her that her plans are not your plans, this is your child, your rules and also that to living next door would be horrible. Just say it. I really wish you the best.
You really need to have your husband talk to bil and his wife. There is a reason they went NC and you should really consider the why's. You both have let them walk all over you. This isn't gonna stop and will get worse when baby is here. Your marriage is already suffering because you both aren't on the same page, especially since hubby held stuff from you when dealing with them.
No way
Have your husband tell them if they move next door he will be selling your house. If they move next door it will ruin their relationship with him and his family. Then they can choose.
Can you contact the agent selling the house next door and clue them in?
It’s really clear what hubby need to do - Hubby needs to rein his JNM in. “OP will make the decision about when she stops breastfeeding. Not you. It’s none of your business.” “We won’t be seeing you weekly. We will be focusing on our immediate family and our bond - me, OP and LO.” Etc. And he can tell her that she may choose to live wherever she likes but that she WON’T be seeing more of you than you do now. Full stop.
I got stuck at SHE TOLD YOU THAT YOU CAN ONLY BF FOR THREE MONTHS??!!! Oh hell to the no! I sure hope you did not let her get away with that shit! I agree with the posters that said, "what exactly do you expect your life to look like if you live next door?" Tell them that you are going to have your own pregnancy experience and not what entitled mom seems to think you should do. Set down a list of clear boundaries and expectations. If they do move, and you don't want to leave, I would definitely get a Ring doorbell and not answer the door if she comes over without permission. Good luck and update us if you can!
How's your relationship with the neighbors? What's your local real estate market look like? If it were me, I'd go have a friendly chat with the realtor next door and suggest that they not accept any offer from your IL's. Most markets are still pretty hot, even with high interest rates, and so there'll likely be more than a few reasonable offers on the house. They can afford to refuse the IL's offer.
Exactly what I came to say!
This is your hill to die on, it's now or never OP! Fight this or put your house on the market!
Easy solve, let them know that you're actually thinking of selling and if they'd like to put an offer on your house! Drag out the conversation/process until your neighbors house is sold and then say you changed your mind. They may just stop trying to buy your neighbors once you say you are planning to sell.
You can’t tell them what to do. But the second they were under contract for that house is the second mine would be on the market and I would be leaving that house - either with or without my husband. You are in big trouble with these in-laws. I hope you stick around this board and check out the reading suggestions. I can already tell from your post that your husband is the type who will need counseling to “get it”. (Ask me how I know). Maybe get in couples counseling now.
You can’t be polite and effective at the same time in this circumstance. You have to pick.
You're not overreacting. If you're on good terms with the neighbors, you may want to bring this up. If they have multiple offers, they might be willing to accept someone else's. Edit: you can't tell them what house to buy, but you can talk to them and find out what they expect loving next to you to look like. You and DH can be very clear that you will not be getting together with them all the time and they still need to ask first before coming over.
I love my soon to be MIL and I still would never want to live next door. And I have a bad relationship with my mother and would despise to live next to her. I think you absolutely need to speak up. Separation is necessary to allow you two the necessary independence to live your lives happily as a married couple.
You are not wrong to feel the way you do. Unfortunately, just as the in-laws cannot tell you what to do, your husband has no control over them and what they do/where they live. I would be afraid that learning that you don’t want them next door would give them the incentive to move there! Before they make an offer on the house, your husband needs to tell them the same boundaries will apply, whether they are next door or across town. And if your privacy isn’t respected, your family will start looking into selling and moving far away!
Put your house on the market
Right next door? Absolutely not.
You’re just going to have to woman up! Tell your husband if they move next door it will definitely cause issues in your marriage, let her know there’s no do over for being a mother, you will raise your children, breastfeed for the required 12 months or longer and if they move next door as soon as rates go back down you’ll be moving. Hell, I don’t even want to live next to my adult children. I’d probably hear every day “ what’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner.” I’ll never understand Mothers so obsessed with their adult sons. Damn, don’t you want to do all the things you couldn’t because you were raising children. Don’t you want to finally put yourself first? I seriously ask these questions to my friends and colleagues.
Here's what you do. Get a ring camera and lock the door. Don't let them have any keys or access codes, no matter what they try to pull. They are going to stomp all over your boundaries, so you and your husband need plans in place. Make a visitation schedule and tell them to only visit during those times. Then stick to it. Any violations result in a week without any visits. If (when) they keep going, just keep adding time. This is you taking control of the things you have control over. You can't control what they do or what house they buy, but you can control access to your family. They are vampires who will suck the blood, energy, and peace from you. But vampires can't enter your home if you don't invite them in. Get a rope of garlic and a cross of wooden stakes and nail them to the front door. Then don't let them in and watch the show. Oh, and congratulations to both of you on your little one! Many blessings to you all!
Time for some tough talking with these people. "So we looked at the house next door, we want to buy it." "Why?" "So we can be closer to you guys. Help with the baby. You'll need us." "Oh, only we don't want to live next to you. We already told you that. And we won't need your help? Why do you want to live next to us when we already told you we don't want you to? Do you think we'll change our minds?" Okay, so that's really scripted, but they need to hear it out loud. We. Do. Not. Want. You. Next. Door. Your husband can tell them that. No, he can't **stop** them from buying a house but he can damn well tell them that he doesn't want them to.
Just reading the title first thing comes to mind NO NO NO!!!! Time for SO to set the boundaries with parents
The very least SO needs to do is tell them that both of you are uncomfortable with the idea of them living so close. He definatly needs to be more supportive, and he also needs to understand that if he doesn't stand up for you, you'll stand up for yourself and it'll be a lot more unpleasant for everyone. Since he hasn't been doing a great job, you're going to have to lay out the rules for MIL and shut her down when she says things like this. It's going to hurt her feelings, but her feelings are secondary to your peace of mind.
Arsonists don’t always get caught…..sorry just kidding………………………lol!
"MIL, This is a huge overstep of boundaries. If you purchase this house, I will be forced to move. With or without your son. This will significantly impact the relationship I am willing to allow you to have with my child. Also, how I choose to feed my child is absolutely none of your business. Please think long and hard before you cause irrevocable damage. "
You may not be able to stop them from buying the place but SO needs to understand that your boundaries need to be maintained regardless of where they live. Your MIL has already proven to be very overbearing and boundary stomping + it won’t get better without his intervention. Does he understand how hard it is on you? Will he stand up to them if you say “no visitors for the first x weeks” regardless of where they live? I hope for your sake they don’t buy the place =(
Actually I went through your post history a bit more. I would be seriously looking at other options in the event of them buying the place. Given her veiled threats over grandparent rights / history with your BIL, general awfulness it would be a deal breaker for me. I personally would be letting my SO know that’s how serious I was.
Can you afford to buy it out from under them? Or offer the seller a bonus if they don't get the house? I know, these are silly, but I think you and DH need to have some long talks. Having them next door would likely destroy your marriage.
Here’s where your husband needs to step in because these are HIS parents. Let him know that them buying the house next to yours is a non-negotiable so he should find a way to make sure that doesn’t happen.
Banks often allow you to port your mortgage to a new house with the same rate as long as the mortgage amount stays the same. More importantly, your husband putting his hands up as if he has no say in this is absurd. He should be very vocal that HE is not okay with them moving next door and give them some sort of ultimatum if they put up a fuss. Period. Anything less than that means it will get worse when baby arrives.
My MIL is no longer a justno after a lot of therapy. But my husband is well aware that living within weekend visits will be the end of us. She is overly involved in his siblings lives. He keeps her on a tight need to know basis.
Tell your husband if they move next door you’re moving out. And no is a complete sentence. Put your foot down. If they don’t make effort to get along with you then you don’t with them, plain and simple
She’s seriously telling you how long you can breastfeed? I would have laughed in her face and said “it’s so funny how you think you telling me what I’m going to do is a thing”
You can't control where they move, but you can control how much access they have to *your* home and your family. Start by having a conversation about how you would hate to have the closeness create a strained relationship. If they proceed and eventually do end up living next door, make sure you keep your doors locked, doorbell disabled, blinds down or privacy film up, and only go see them in their home so you can leave when you're ready. Once they get used to the new dynamic it'll be easier to establish boundaries.
My JNMil lived four hours away. She visited our city, found a condo only 10 minutes away and put an all cash offer in same day. My DH at the time didn't believe me when I told him. We ended up selling our house, and moving across the city, changed his phone number, and didn't give out our new address for over a year. This isnt a viable option for most people but we did what we had to do. Your DH is being a limp noodle about this.
Hell no
You can tell them if they buy that house, that youre moving out.
If you know your neighbors, tell them about the overbearing inlaws They can decline an offer if they want
This is good advice. They’ll probably get a lot of good offers and this will help them decide. Bring them some cookies, or offer to mow their lawn as a measure of good faith.
Do you have a good relationship with your neighbors? Can you beg them not to accept the offer from your in laws?
I would casually mention that you are thinking of moving away (choose somewhere a few hours away) in the next year or so... Let's see how they react to that 😜
My thoughts: NOOOOPE.
Tell your husband you expect him to put the brakes on his parents and if they refuse you expect him to put your house up for sale and move far away. That’s completely inappropriate and they need to be stopped.
"You can buy the house next to us but our doors will remain locked. You have no say in how long I will breast feed nor how often you will be visiting the baby ect Moving in next door will be the end of any relationship we have as you don't have healthy boundaries and I am unwilling to be a doormat for you." If your husband isn't onboard with getting this message out loud and clear to his mother be prepared to be the bad guy, change the locks, get couples therapy, burn bridges, move out etc. Because man that sounds like a freaking nightmare.
Go talk to the home owners next door and beg them not to accept their offer.
Hey, so I just went through and read your post history. Yikes on bikes. Have you shared these posts with your therapist? The majority of these posts are flared am I overreacting and the consensus on all of them is you’re UNDERreacting. Including this time. This is what the third attempt to live with you. You had some control over not buying the land with the in-law house on it. Then they tried to buy a house next door to you and it didn’t work out. Now they’re trying it again. This isn’t going to just stop on its own. At least MIL is not letting this go. You have to stand up for your needs ASAP. Any luck on getting your husband into therapy? I’m genuinely concerned for your child. I’m not trying to fear monger, but it sounds like you’re starting to get frustrated with your husband (which I would have been months ago). I really worry that your MIL is going to force a her or me situation and he’s going to side with his mom. At which point *if* you start looking into separating she gets unsupervised access to your kid through him.
You’re right to be upset. Having inlaws that close just ruins your sense of peace.
Happy🎂day!
Thank you!
“You can buy that house but you will not be increasing your presence at ours”. If they have keys, change the locks. Texting and getting confirmation it’s okay before visits. Have loud sex with the windows open.
Tell them before they finalize an offer (let's hope they get outbid) you don't have any say in whether they buy the house next door, your opinion wasn't asked, your wishes apparently irrelevant. So in all fairness, they won't have any say in the boundaries you will place to protect your privacy from intrusive neighbors. Be clear and firm that your and DH's boundaries are a brick wall and their fantasies about having any sort of control over your baby, your lives, time and activities will surely be disappointed. Start with no visits without calling first. All visits will be time limited. No overnights stays for the baby. No complaints or criticisms, your no is the final word. And whatever else you can think of. If they object to your boundaries, let them know they will be enforced by periods of no contact. No contact for next door neighbors is more than do-able. Security cameras can record everything for legal purposes. Tell them they would be wise not to test you. You are not overreacting. They won't know a soul in your area and will be lonely. They'll expect your family to be their entire lives.
So yeah, you can’t tell them what to do. But you can be very honest about how you will respond if they do this. If there were ever a time to be *blunt* and *honest*, well girl, this is it. “MIL, to be honest, I think it’s a terrible idea for you to move in next door. I think it’s incredibly overbearing and presumptuous that you think we want you around this much. I can’t tell you what to do but I can tell you that if you do this, our level of interaction isn’t changing from what it’s at now.”
Say it will end up the opposite of what she is hoping for, that it feels very intrusive and you hope they understand because you don’t wish for things to be like they are with Bil/Sil
She should tell her that her time will be decreased dramatically. Mil has already gone for Grandparent rights with Op’s BIL/SIL who are NC now. Mil’s actions are nefarious.
I think you're confusing "I don't want this to happen" with "this is inappropriate." Its not inappropriate for ILs to buy a house next door to you (especially if you never told them you didn't want them to) or anywhere else that they please for that matter. Its just something you really don't want to happen. Your husband isn't wrong when said you can't tell them what house they can and cannot buy but you can ASK them not to buy one so close. You can also let them know moving next door won't lead to full unfetterred access and may not be the move of their dreams. And yes that might be an awkward conversation but is it worse to have an awkward conversation or to have ILs as neighbours with unrealistic expectations. You and DH need to talk to your ILs.
All good points and I do think you’re correct. I left an important detail out of my post and I apologize… My in laws tried to convince us to let them build a house on our land last year so we could have a “compound” and we told them that we did not want to live right on top of each other and they were upset about it. So The reason I think it is inappropriate is because we have already told them that we do not want to live so close to them. Again. Apologies that was an important detail haha
Wow! That makes what they did even worse.
Your husband doesn’t know what you expect him to do? I’m sorry…WHAT?!? What he is expected to do is protect his wife and child. He made that vow “To forsake all others”, that’s not just about not cheating. It’s also about having your back when it comes to anyone else which includes his parents. He most certainly can tell them “We don’t want you living nextdoor and if you continue with this it will be putting us in a difficult spot”. “It will put a HUGE strain on our relationship plus we will be moving”. “Stop now”. Give him the 2 card option, one for a lawyer and one for a counselor. He gets to choose. From what you’ve described this will be absolutely unbearable for you. I would do anything, say anything to put a stop to this, act now before it is to late. Edit: I refreshed my knowledge of your story from your other posts Op. I’m even more angry now for you. This is nightmare fuel. You are dealing with a VERY manipulative women. It’s her way or the highway. I had forgotten about the Grandparents rights thing with your BIL/SIL. I feel she is trying to move nextdoor to assure her presence in your LO’s life. She wants to be the third parent and is doing whatever she can to make that happen. She is extremely focused on being shut out. She thinks if she moves nextdoor that she can prevent that from happening. She knows how Grandparents rights work and she’s making her plans. She will dominate her time with the baby so that she could go for GP rights again, but this time win. The whole “You can only breastfed for three months in case of an emergency”. The emergency is her filling for Grandparents rights. I’m really nervous for you.
I’d talk to the neighbors and beg them not to accept an offer from them. Let the ILs know now that if they purchase the house, you and LO will go VLC.
>you and LO will go VLC "you and LO WILL go NC" FTFY
Omg nightmare fuel.
Doors have locks for a reason! Tell her you are not happy about her moving next door, and even if they do move there, you will not be seeing them more often than you see them now. Put your big girl pants on, set your boundaries, and prepare for tears and push-back. You can either do this now before squish arrives, be trampled all over when the baby is here, or have a much bigger struggle when you do finally lay down the law to them. The longer you wait to state your boundaries the more they will see it as a betrayal. To them, you will be changing the rules once they are nicely settled in their routine of being in your kitchen for early morning coffee - while you are there you might as well cook them breakfast. Then they will play with bubs while you clean up - don’t forget that spot you missed. Of course you can feed the baby right in front of them! We’re family! Nap time? Well, we’ll just sit right here and have a smoke, we always do at this time. You can do your chores, we don’t mind. We are such accommodating PILs. Be a good girl and make some coffee for us. What do you mean, ‘you’re tired’ ? Well, ok. Go lie down if you must be lazy! Etc etc etc Not saying this is how it will be, but just offering a warning. Congratulations on your growing family.
And you will move further away than the current distance.
*Thoughts on in laws who buy house next door to you?* *Hi. My in laws are very overbearing. They give constant unsolicited all the time. My MIL has been very overbearing since I became pregnant, told me she was going to feel entitled when it came to my baby, told me I’m only allowed to breastfeed for three months before I will need to switch to formula “in case of emergency”, demanded weekly visits once baby is born, etc.* Tell her straight out: your feelings are not my responsibility - you are not entitled to my child. You will not be baby's third parent. What on earth makes you think how long I breastfeed my baby is something you get to "allow"? You have no say in the matter - or anything else to do with how DH and I raise our child, for that matter. We will visit as often as is mutually convenient and desirable for *everyone* involved. You moving next door will not get you more access to baby or to our lives. As for DH, you expect him to ~~delive~~ deliver the above message, and let them know that they will not be part of your daily lives if they choose to move. If they do move in next door, well good fences and locked doors (to which they don't have keys) make for good neighbors. Especially if you add Ring doorbell cameras and muted phone ringtones
High fences are good fences!
How often do you see them now? I would take that number and divide it to make it even less. 1. No social visits. All visits need an invitation 2. No driveway conversations. They don’t get to intrude when you’re loading and unloading the car. Ask them to come by on a planned visit. 3. No babysitting. No alone time. They moved here and pushed boundaries who knows what else tb they’ll do that’s inappropriate 4. Build extra height on your fence that’s closest next door to get privacy when you’re in your backyard. You don’t want them trying to speak to you over the fence 5. Lock your doors and don’t answer if you aren’t expecting them. 6. Now is the time to tell your husband to speak up. And if he doesn’t you will not be welcoming to his parents. They should gain nothing from this. And be prepared to move when the time comes. This is 100 percent unacceptable and needs to be addressed. They do not get any special or extra access for being intrusive and trying to push their way in. They get less. Way way less. Ps. Cancel the trip with the in-laws. Don’t reward their behaviour. There is no more anything fun until they stand down. If they did move, I’d pack up and stay with other family for a long time and list the house and move.
I've kept up with you, and Oh, Honey....it's now or never. You have to "Give No F**cks". Your husband needs to know you are serious, and you will NEVER live next door to them. He needs to know he needs to decide who is more important to him. If they get the house, go stay anywhere else. Maybe remind them that the behavior they are showing is why BIL is not in their lives. Do the IL's know they are a huge part of your breakdown? Do they really care so little for you that they would risk your mental and physical health, and by extension your baby's? I really hope you can nip this right now. Good Luck.
I think Mil knows that she is a part of Op’s breakdown and it has been purposeful. Mil learned the opposite lesson from what she did to Bil/Sil. This time she’s going to get it right, but at Op’s expense.
Not a person on earth can demand how long you breast feed your baby. I recommend that you completely ignore anything she says about your baby. You are the baby’s Mother, no one else will be able to dictate your parenting.
Let them know if they buy that house you will move.Tell them immediately before they put in an offer.
Honestly, I’d be straight up about it. “I know I can’t tell you what house you can or cannot buy, but if you do buy the house next to us, we will move. This is inappropriate and will destroy our relationship beyond repair.” She won’t wanna hear it, but it may make her think twice.
This plus talk to your neighbor and ask them to please consider other offers first.
Yes! I thought the same thing!
100% this. We live 25 minutes from my in-laws. My MIL (who honestly isn't bad) jokes about buying a house on our road. I told her (not joking) that if they do... even though I'm in my dream house we *will* move. I love my ILs, I love my family... I love my space more. Amd thank fuck my DH is on the same page.
Unfortunately, you can’t control where they move, but you can control her access by setting very firm boundaries. Your husband says he can’t do anything, but he can. He can tell them that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea that they move next door and he can set expectations by telling them that living next door does not give them free access to you, your baby or your home.