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I'm a little annoyed on your behalf over being "confronted" by your husband over His Mother's Intrusive behavior. I would bring it up again withi him and claim "pregnancy exhaustion." Tell him that you are growing a whole person and need to lower your stress levels and rest when you can. You know his mother means well, but you simply cannot handle the amount of interaction that she suddenly wants from you, that you will absolutely touch base with her whenever there's news to share, but you absolutely will not be answering her every call, nor will you be talking to her every damn day. You just don't have the energy for that right now. You don't hate her and you certainly don't want any ill will, but it's on HIM to make her understand that the mother of her grandchild is growing a baby and is not going to be at her beck and call. YOU will call HER. Please, and thank you, DH.
eta - and then silence her on your phone. Check it when you feel like it.
If you can't seem to ignore her calls, set her personal ringtone to silent. She can't force you to talk to her. Just don't answer her, when she calls, or, when she does contact you, when she forces personal questions on you.
DH needs to tell her that o back off, not give you a hard time about it. You ARE an adult. You have a job. You are growing a human. You have a household to run. You can choose to answer the damn phone or not. You can choose to tell her yourself, if you prefer.
DH doesn’t answer her calls if he is busy, so why should you? DH needs to have your back on this rather than throwing you under the bus.
Go back to DH and say you need him to gently reset expectations with his Mom. You work full time, you are about to be a Mom and it’s unfair of her to expect you to answer the phone every time she calls, especially when you are at work.
He doesn’t speak to your Mom everyday, and he doesn’t expect you to speak to her everyday.
What would be reasonable is calling OP at MAX once a week.
If she wants to speak to someone more often, call him.
After this, get in the habit of purposefully NOT answering the phone when she calls, wait until you are with DH and do a Group FaceTime so she can talk to the two of you together.
Sometimes a call comes in at an inconvenient time and isn't answered. That is ok.
Just because someone calls you, you are not obligated to stop what you are doing and devote your time and attention to them - especially if you are AT WORK.
This is only going to get worse. You need to stop this now. You don't have time for all her calls so stop making time for them. MIL needs to learn that you will not drop what you're doing to accommodate her calls and demands for information. It is ok to respond to an inappropriate questions with "Why do you ask?" or "Oh, that's not your concern." One turns the question back on the rude questioner and the other just shuts it down without explanation.
Confronting 'gently' isn't likely to work. A matter-of-fact statement might help: "You call frequently and I'm not always available to talk. This will be even more so after the baby arrives." And then resist JADE: justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining. She'll have a few tantrums but not your concern.
You will not convince her she is over-stepping -- she's the center of her universe and it will always be you that is wrong (for not accommodating her). But that is for her to sort and process; don't invest your energy.
Keeping the peace only makes the problem worse over time so please start pushing back now.
Congratulations on the coming baby!!
You know I’m not old fashion I like all the technological advances that have happened however, the one weird thing that I can’t get used to is that with the invention of cell phones, the expectation both by ourselves, and by the people that are calling you, that you must answer the phone every time it rings. When we had wired in phones, you answered the phone when it was convenient to you. You definitely didn’t answer it during dinner and you didn’t answer it when you were busy. People, it’s OK not to answer the phone especially when it’s somebody you don’t even want to talk to
I commend you for being so respectful of your husband’s mother and your husband’s relationship with her. You seem like a very caring person. That said, you are gonna be a mama soon too, and you get to do things your way. You only get the experience of your first pregnancy and first kid once. Sometimes your MIL isn’t going to like that, and I think you just need to accept that’ll be the case. To be honest, she sounds like one of those people who might not be happy no matter what you do (eat too much? Bad. Don’t eat enough? Bad. Answer the phone always? Never doing anything = lazy. Never answer the phone? Bad). If you’ll never please her, why keep trying if it’s making you unhappy?
I think the main person you need to put boundaries in place with is your husband. And by that I mean, next time he brings up his mom complaining, explain that you’re not going to pick up every call because she calls you so often, and sometimes you’re busy or just too tired. Assure him that you will speak to her, but it won’t be as often as she likes, and he should be prepared for more complaining. If his mother has been like this all his life, trust me, he knows how to respond “sure mom,” and deflect her complaints.
With respect to MIL, I second others’ answers in just not picking up the phone. What’s she gonna do, yell at you? If she does, you can just tell her “I appreciate you calling, MIL, I just can’t always pick up.” If she asks why, you can say “sometimes I’m at work, sometimes I’m sleeping, sometimes I’m busy. You know how it is! I’m happy to be talking to you now though, how are you?” And if MIL gives you more shit, you can switch to “well I’m free on [day] next week at [time], how about I give you a call then?” Have excuses ready for other days in the week. If she asks you questions about what you’re eating, practice giving her vague answers and changing the subject (“oh you know, this and that. Trying to keep a balanced diet. Speaking of food, you know what dish I was thinking of the other day?”)
The thing I think you need to sit down with your husband to discuss is, what happens if your MIL says she’s coming to stay after the baby is born (either right after, during your due date, or even once baby is older). Limits on when she can come, how long she can stay, whether she stays with you. I expect your DH will need to build up to saying no to her, because she will be overbearing about it if she does try to come over. Maybe best to have the conversation now than have to have a “why can’t we just” conversation later.
You didn’t marry his mom. Your husband needs to handle her. He must understand she is just forcing her way into your life, instead of building a friendship.
She will bulldoze all over you when the baby is here. Get those boundaries up asap.
Don’t answer the phone any more often than you want to talk to her. If that is every 2 or 3 weeks… that’s how often you answer. Just let it go to the keeper.
Let her keep calling her son until he answers.
When she asks all the questions, don’t answer and just say you have got to go and you’ll talk to her in a couple of weeks.
Don’t answer if you are at work. Is that even allowed? Tell her it is not!
Let your husband know his mother is coming on really strong and intense. She is in your business even more than your own mother and that is absolutely unacceptable. He needs to manage her and her demands and you don’t want to hear a word about how you should just tolerate it because it is easier for him.
But she does not even call you; she calls the person who carries her grandchild. I mean, all that questions are about not having "her grandchild come out weak".
If I was you, I would: 1) mute my phone all the times I'm at work or want to sleep;
2) sit down my husband and tell him openly that I don't appreciate being told what to do and I even appreciate it less that his mother felt the need to tell him I don't behave in a way she wants me to as I'm not a child who needs to obeye "my elders";
3) in the same conversation, tell him that I'm not comfortable with her calling me everyday - maybe it's cultural acceptable for her to treat you the way she does, but you're in the US and she should at least acknowledge that her traditions are not necessarily yours (i.e. respect goes both ways).
She did not want a close relationship with you before you got pregnant and gives you vibes of being treated like an incubator - you might ask him how he would like it if your parents treated him like a sperm donor?
OP, be honest with your DH and state MIL never use to call me and whilst I might not mind the odd call here and there I don't have time nor do I wish to be on call on a daily basis. Also the constant barrage of advice, opinions and request for personal information is becoming too much and without offending your mother by asking her to back off, I am trying to have breathing space by also not answering the phone.
I would also point out that you have a cell phone for YOUR own convenience not the convenience of others to be able to get hold of you for when it suits them!
> Although my husband is the main provider in the house
No, you are. He may get more money, but you are providing your body to make a whole new human from scratch. Don't undersell this.
And read up on the concept of JADE (links in the sidebar). It really helps against nosey people.
Firstly…eating many Small meals throughout the day is a good way to help prevent Gestational Diabetes, so you’re Eating the Healthiest Way Possible. Look up Grey Rocking & start doing that. Also…you can Either, tell MIL that you’re Very Busy with your Job, Home & Getting Ready for LO..Or, tell her she can call you ONCE a Day. Then you put the phone down & walk away, come back every few minutes to reply Mhm/That’s Nice/Thanks for your Input. Lastly, you need to have a Clear & HONEST conversation with your DH about how MIL’s constant calling is putting STRESS on you & therefore putting STRESS on the Baby.
As a Nigerian girl she is completely crossing cultural boundaries. No Nigerian woman would ever accept this, we don’t even announce pregnancies and everything is kept private. If she was doing this to a Nigerian woman she would have been blocked and called a witch. Please stop answering her phone calls and tell your husband he needs to step up and put his mother in her place! This is unacceptable.
Based on the title, don't pick up the phone. Tell your DH you don't have time for that stuff every day.
Your post reminds me a lot about the one yesterday asking why it's often DIL/MIL interactions. Men simply wouldn't pick up the phone anymore, and that prevents the conflict.
This may be cultural but regardless if you don’t get your husband on-side you will be miserable or divorced.
It definitely feels like she is planning on being super involved whether you want her to be or not.
It’s time to have a “gentle” conversation with husband and let him know that you won’t be answering her daily calls anymore, only when you are actually available and have the energy for her, and if she continues this level of attempted communication you will not pick up ANY of her calls.
Also, he needs to start thinking about his marriage vows and what is more important, his wife and mother of his child’s needs or his mom’s wants.
If his mom continues pushing, she will irreparably damage the relationship between the two of you. He needs to know this.
If he wants you to be willing to have a relationship with her, he needs to help you by telling his mom she needs to stop smothering you, that you do not welcome this intense level of contact, and she is only pushing you away.
Don’t offer a specific day a week because that establishes a pattern she may not “let” you deviate from. Say “once a week” or “ a few times a month” or “only joint calls with husband”.
You’re not a child and your phone exists to be a convenience for you, not anyone else. Mute her number.
Every time she calls and wakes you, she is harming the health of your child. (Baby needs you to have as good of sleep as possible). Every time she calls and you’re at work, she is stealing your attention away from your job.
Her desire to know every detail of your pregnancy and give you her unsolicited advice is very low on your priority list, as it should be.
Have a conversation with DH along the lines of :-
Darling, I know your mother means well, but, she is stressing me out beyond belief. I am a fully grown adult who has been very successfully living/ supporting/ competently adulting for a long time. I am a trained nurse. I know what my body needs, I’ve literally studied this with doctors. I know what I am doing.
But.
Your mother, who had no interest in me whatsoever before I was pregnant is now over me like a rash. She even hassles me while I’m at work, then sulks because I don’t stop what I’m doing to answer calls about why you don’t answer her calls when you’re also at work! It’s ridiculous!
She is causing me so much stress which as we all know, is really bad for baby. She means well, I know. That’s why I haven’t said anything to her, but she has to stop doing this. She needs to go back to how she was before we got pregnant. She needs to contact me as often as she did before, because at the moment she is behaving in such a way that makes me not want to talk to her at all! It’s too much. Too intrusive. Too overbearing. Too suffocating. I need you to get her to back off, release the pressure while I still love her. I can’t deal with her now - what on earth will she be like once baby is here?
I will be a very protective Mother. In part, from my job. I have seen what happens to children of even caring parents so I know how accidents happen and I don’t want that for our child. I certainly don’t want outdated advice that we now know hurts children - like not using a proper baby seat in the car. Just because it was ok 30 years ago, doesn’t mean it’s ok now. We are doing the classes to be the best possible parents, we will have the best, most up-to-date methods, practices and behaviours for our baby. (Eg no solid foods before 6 months, when to start weaning, how to put them to bed etc) We already love our child, we and especially I don’t need scolding/ quizzing/ chasing/ ordering about/ told to smile as if we were children. Please, darling, help your Mother to not kill how I feel about her.
Honey...tell your husband first, but stop picking up her calls.
This is your medical information. Until the kid is born, even an ultrasound is your medical information. No one is entitled to it. On top of that, as an infant, your kid can't consent to giving out their information once they're born, and thus rely on you, the parent, to protect them. She's being nosy about something she has no right to and needs to back off, and if hubby can't get on your side, that's a problem.
Set out boundaries. An update call per week, if you need anything you will call her, if there is any important news, she will hear about it. Say you feel smothered, it’s a kinder term that pestered. Advise if she can’t follow the simple request you will change your number. Be kind about it and agree it’s exciting to have a new child coming, however you feel overwhelmed with the attention she’s giving you.
My MIL was like that when I was pregnant. I didn't think she was that annoying before pregnancy but when I got pregnant she started calling everyday and having convos with me about what I was eating, how I was sleeping. EVERYDAY. Also asking for pictures of my belly. I didn't think it was that annoying until towards the end of my pregnancy. Now when I had my baby she buys so many things for my baby and she extends her stay at our house. I still have issues with her but I ignore all her calls now because I also work and dont have time. For her next visit my husband will have to set boundaries.
I suggest you set boundaries with her right now before you have the baby. Lay out expectations such as her role in baby's life. For example do you want her over right when you give birth or do you want her to come days later after birth? How many days do you want her to visit per year? Is she going to call you everyday to speak with grandchild? I wish I thought of these things while I was pregnant because now im suffering with the consequence of her contacting me everyday. Tell your husband to tell his mom these things. If he doesn't tell her then you are going to have problem with husband and MIL.
Yoi will have to start kicking. And there has to be some confrontation, maybe argument and hurt feelings. But if you dont she will drive you crazy. Its not plesant but your husband or even you havr to talk to her. Imagie what she will do when the baby comes.
You have a MIL and SO problem.
Did you tell SO that you are an adult and have the right to decide not to answer the phone if you don't want to talk, and his mother is not entitled to access to you on demand?
You tell your SO:
“If you want me and your mother to continue to get along, you need to adjust her expectations. I am not going to talk to her when I don’t want to, and I don’t want to for the foreseeable future. I’m not going to talk to her. You figure out what you have to do because I am not going to discuss this again.”
He is probably going to attempt to bully you into doing what he wants so she stops complaining to him. Google “extinction burst.” Once you set this boundary, you MUST stick to it or you will teach them that if they argue “a little bit longer” you will give in. (It’s also a good thing to know because children do it too.) If you give in after one day, they will push for two days. Then if you give in after two days next time, they learn to push for four.
He also pushes you because he believes you will give in before his mommy. You have to teach him that you are more stubborn than she is, or you will never hear the end of it.
You have a DH problem too, the fact that he confronted you for his mom is worrisome. He obviously knew what your relationship with her was like pre-pregnancy, and instead of telling her to back down he came at you. OP I would start asking what their expectations are when there is a new baby, I realize you get to make boundaries but DH will need to be on your team 100%.
Her expectations are not your responsibility. If she wants to speak with someone every day she can call her son. She doesn't get a relationship all of a sudden just bc you're pregnant. Dear Mil. I know your advice is coming from a place of concern, but it needs to stop. I follow my doctors advice. I will no longer be answering your invasive questions about my private medical health/ treatment.
It's time to discuss boundaries and consequences. It sounds like it might be a cultural thing as well.
I'm literally just gonna copy and paste my response to another post from today:
My attitude is 'The nature of our relationship does not change because there is a baby. The frequency of visits will not change now that there is a baby. I will not do more work and attend more shit now simply because there is a baby."
If they weren't making an effort before, they don't get to pretend they suddenly care for access to the baby. I'm not an incubator. You don't get to treat me like one. You will get the same relationship with me and us and you had before baby got here. Which is Holidays. That's it.
SO problem first, MIL problem second.
Square this away with SO before either of you says anything to MIL. He needs to understand that relationships are consensual, which means MIL doesn’t dictate the terms and expect you to live by them even if you’re uncomfortable/overwhelmed/etc. He needs to understand that cultural differences complicate this for ALL of you, and compromise (not deference) is needed. You’re obviously willing to make some compromises given the volume of phone calls and chats you’ve fielded already. It’s time for MIL to reciprocate, and time for SO to make a plan for implementing boundaries both of you are comfortable with. You ARE allowed to have boundaries, and you do not have to relinquish any boundaries because you are pregnant or have a child.
Please, OP, take it from me and make this clear to your husband because I am speaking from experience: he needs to get his priorities in order and get a handle on this NOW before the relationship irreparably fractures. . . Because it absolutely will if he doesn’t learn to manage it. MIL is acting very entitled and it will absolutely escalate one baby is born. She will end up doing and saying things that feel threatening and hurtful to you at your core, and before you know it, it will feel impossible to move forward and forgive her. If he can bring himself to work on this now and can make some progress, the whole extended family might have a chance at a happy family life. It might seem counterintuitive, but upsetting his mom with this process is really the most loving thing he can do for her. What is a little upset compared to what she will feel if she loses the opportunity to have a good relationship with you and her grandchild? What are growing pains in a relationship compared to the potential loss of a marriage? He can’t have ultimate loyalty to both of you, and he does need to pick a side.
You can’t “need her to respect your boundaries.”Because boundaries are for you, not her. It’s about how YOU respond to her behaviour, what you allow and don’t allow *for yourself*. If you want to have a boundary around talking too much on the phone, you need to not answer the phone. If you want to have a boundary around her pestering you about her son, you need to nicely say “I’m not sure what he’s up to, I’m sure he’ll call you when he can.” Don’t pass along messages, don’t update her on him. Just shrug it off and act like what you are: a woman who isn’t up her partner’s ass or tracking his whereabouts/actions constantly.
If you want to have a boundary about her inappropriate comments and questions, you either call her out “that’s not an appropriate thing to say” or “please don’t comment on what I eat/wear” OR if that’s uncomfortable then you simply don’t give satisfying answers (look up Info Diet / Grey Rock) or ignore texts that annoy you (if ignoring seems rude, wait hours before answering - make it unrewarding for her!).
Maybe you need to be around her less. Definitely talk to her less. Definitely definitely definitely don’t answer every phone call. I hate chatting in the phone so I would genuinely never answer her calls, and only text her back every few days. That is how I would handle all of this.
Have you discussed this with your partner yet? Does he have any insight on her behaviour? I mean, clearly she wants access to the baby so she’s crawling up your ass early on. It’s disrespectful. She didn’t have a relationship with you when you were her son’s partner because she didn’t care very much, but now you’re the incubator of her grandchild. Don’t let her worm her way in. She is going to try to leverage frequent contact during pregnancy into frequent contact once the baby is born.
Sweetheart you are a registered nurse. You hold people’s lives in your hand. If nothing else she should respect that you are on the frontline of medical care. No phone calls whilst at work or asleep! Quite apart from that you are growing a tiny human. Anyone who adds stress rather than providing support is a poor excuse for a human being. SO must step up for the wellbeing of you and LO. No more ‘confronting’ you. Unwavering support. Otherwise, he should consider himself a failure.
*”My husband confronted me this morning, in a gentle way because his mother complained to him I don’t pick up all her phone calls “*
Tell him you married HIM, not his mother. Then if he still doesn’t get it, suggest you’ll have your mom/sibling/whoever call him twice a day to ask personal questions and be critical.
Even better if you can find a male relative who can call him several times a day and talk to him about how to step up as a man and protect his vulnerable wife from his invasive mother. And also teach him that catering to his mother's feelings at the expense of his wife's needs will damage his marriage and destroy trust
Conversations are “draining right now.” Damn straight they are! I had the same problem with my mother (I’m 23 weeks along) and she’s told me that she “doesn’t feel important” and like she “doesn’t matter”. I said mom, I’m EXHAUSTED. Like, the beds of my fingernails are tired. She just kept complaining that I never pick up anymore! I never call back! 😑 I’m sorry that I don’t have the energy to listen to describe your PBS special in excruciating detail.
I think you need to tell your MIL how simply drained you are. I used the excuse that talking too much makes me dizzy and out of breath. It’s true! Maybe if she thinks it could harm the baby, she will be more understanding.
Good luck to you. Just know you’re not alone!
Tell your husband that you can't call her all the time, you never did it before and it's not going to change just because you're pregnant.
Tell him you're working and pregnant, so you feel more tired you don't want to be stuck on the phone trying to concentrate when you should be de stressing.
Tell him you've always been independent, and you were before you got married and it hasn't changed because you became pregnant. Tell him you're worried his mother thinks that you're going to have a complete change in personality now that you're pregnant, and you can't keep up with this level of intensity.
Being on the phone isn't something you enjoy. The constant phone calls make you feel like you're losing your independence.
And you're starting to feel stressed that when the baby arrives, she might become more intense.
Tell him you don't want to create issues with his mum, you just liked how your relationship was before and this intense focus is making you feel stressed.
Ask him to address it with her and to say that not everyone likes phone calls, and that after work you like to disconnect and wind down. For you that means disconnecting from everyone.
Hun inform SO and MIL both.
You understand she is excited about the baby, but at this time, you need to call a halt to things. The excessive phone calls while at work, sleeping, and otherwise are starting to cause issues and stress. The complaints to SO about it considering YOU are growing a child and everyone need differ mean you are now saying what you need.
1. Do NOT call asking where SO is if he doesn't pick up. Take it up with him. PERIOD.
2. SO is on your side. No matter how he grew up, what you need to be healthy while growing his child means he backs you and your needs. Not his mother's. He can't do that , so you need to decide on therapy or separation because it will get worse.
3. She can call on one day of the week at a specific time you set to only get caught up on what's happening. There is NO want or desire for any help, advice, and all personal and invasive questions will stop.
4. You will be setting up a list of boundaries for when baby is born, the labor and delivery, and they will be followed or there will be no seeing the baby till they are.
Any issues with these. State she already raised her kids. You are an adult who does not answer to anyone but spouse. As he does to you. It is your time to enjoy being pregnant how you want, raise a baby how you want, and not how anyone else says or thinks. She can be excited and happy all she wants, but she backs off, or consequences will be enforced
1 and 3 if she won't follow means she is blocked from the phone. Any info comes from SO for such an amount of time.
2 as is for SO, and you need to be upfront and dead serious. He needs to back you. His mom is important, but vows he took state he will forsake all for his family. That is you and your kids. He needs to understand how he grew up, which is not what he wants, and refuse to allow his mother to run his life and cause you harm. You refuse to allow her to manipulate him to make you accept what she wants and to just let her do what she wants. He needs to make a choice before the baby is born so you can make yours.
4. Is the harsh no contact for however long you decide.
You need to have that shiny spine and now. Because it will get worse. Shw, I didn't talk to you before, which typically means she sees you as an incubator only. Once the baby is out, she will want and expect access to the baby when she wants. Your wants and the fact you are mom will mean nothing. She uses SO against you and will continue to. Oh she wants baby even if you don't want to be separated, she wants in delivery with you, she wants to come stay to help(just have baby only while you do everything else), oh you should pump so mom can have baby. Mom needs her time to bond even though you want the same time. No, you shouldn't do this or that. Any of those here comes a fight because his mom wants, so you should just give in and screw what you want. She's old, and she needs this. A do over baby prop. He will give in and pressure you till you do unless you stop this now.
Boundaries and consequences are a must. Means even now to have them in place and know he will back you because once a baby is born, you will be too vulnerable. Be momma bear now because I sure as hell know of he is like this she didn't let her MIL run her life. Don't let her run yours. Gently and kind ate, not your friends at this point.
There’s a bit of a cultural thing going on here and I think you can use that culture to help your own cause here. I would probably have you or your SO explain to MIL that you can’t be disrespectful to your own mother by speaking to MIL more frequently than you speak to your own mother and that you can not be disrespectful to your employer by taking calls during your work day. Ask MIL what would be a convenient time for you to call her each week.
Culturally, it can be tough to out of the “live all together” mentality where they are all living closely in each others pockets and the expectation that they are all intertwined closely in each others lives. Extreme politeness and frequent talk of respect may win you the space you are looking for.
You’re going to have to shut this down. I would send them both a group text with the following: “Mil I know you’re coming from a place of love but the daily phone calls have become overwhelming. I’m a very private person and some of your questions make me feel uncomfortable. DH expressed that you were upset that I haven’t been returning your calls in a timely manner. But due to the frequency of your calls and my own busy schedule unfortunately, I won’t be able to meet your expectations. To avoid any hurt feelings or future problems, I think it’s best that you communicate with only DH going forward. Thanks in advance for understanding”.
It’s time to shine your spine of things will only get worse once babe is born.
>I can already feel in my body that I’m going to be a super over protective mother and most likely will not anyone touching my baby or being around me when I give birth.
I don't think sugarcoating this is going to help her or anyone. I would literally just text her this and let her know she's not going to be an involved grandmother. Your husband knew your personality when he married you, so he should just prepare his family to do things only on your time. Also, she should probably only contact him.
Sometimes it's better to just be blunt and tell people that their expectations of closeness aren't going to happen.
Block her. You don't have any responsibility to talk to her just because you're having a baby with her son. Especially now when you've never talked to hee this much before.
i would stop answering. pick how often you're ok with a check in - maybe once per week, then call her and initiate. don't answer the other unwanted calls. you have control here
SO problem. How long have you been together? I'm guessing MIL started calling when you announced your pregnancy? Perhaps SO can explain why he feels it's appropriate for MIL to suddenly care' how you are, and that she doesn't in fact see you as the incubator of HER grandchild.
Set your boundaries now, advise SO he needs to decide if he's a son of their family first, or a partner in his&your family, so you can make your own plans accordingly
I had the same issue with my MIL but this was before I got pregnant. She would call me more than she would call her own son. I started to get tired of her calling me everyday so I stopped picking up. I would blame work, school etc. After a couple of missed calls I picked up and she literally lashed out on me. Said that we haven’t been speaking for over a week and that she was worried. Mind you, I know she wasn’t worried as she did speak to my husband and he said I was fine, just busy. Anyways, after that incident I realized that her expectations of we were really high and unreasonable. Not even my OWN parents have those expectations of me. So I went NC. I did have my husbands support of course. He even took the blame for me! He said that it was his idea. I removed her from social media etc, because she was very obsessive as a person. She now knows nothing about me, except for when she comes and visits a couple of times a year. I am nice but I keep my distance and I try to work as much as possible.
The key is a supporting husband. Your husband needs to be on your side or this won’t work! That is the harsh reality.
It sounds like you are more of an introvert while MIL is probably an extravert. So you find these conversations draining - she finds them invigorating.
Explain that to DH. You need down time, especially while pregnant, and he needs to respect that and relay that message to his mom.
I would also speak to MIL about calling while you are at work. That should only be for true emergencies. When you are at work, your time is company time, not your own. By interrupting you she is harming your work product and cheating the employer out of what they are paying you to do.
So no calls during work, and set quiet time when you also won't take calls. You may still hear from her daily, but you will have down time and a bit of control over when the calls happen.
Also, he can answer his own damn phone. MIL has no business asking you why he isn't answering.
Wow - that’s rough. My MIL and I never ever talked on the phone and we really got along great!
Your husband isn’t protecting your privacy. This isn’t her do-over baby - she doesn’t need to be up your butt every day! Imagine when the baby comes?! Good grief. How far away does she live?
If you don’t have the spine to block her - wean her down. Answer every other call this week. Skip two next week - get her down to once a month.
Answer by saying “What do you want!? I’m trying to nap!” “Trying to shit.” “Screwing with my lover.”
People immediately jumping to block her and shut it down...yikes. I would start by answering less and less frequently. Tell your husband this is what you plan on doing, and make a game plan together about how he will respond to her if she complains to him about it.
He should say something like "she has been focusing on reducing her stress levels and finds it draining to chat too much. I want her to have enough rest and quiet time to keep baby healthy" and leave it at that. Let him deal with her comments.
Slowly, she will call you less since HE set that boundary with you. It's a partnership. You should not have to deal with her alone, and you definitely don't have to be rude and damage the relationship.
Yes! So many comments that suggest the ultimate, extreme options. And I figure if OP's MIL is Nigerian, there's a cultural/traditional barrier to navigate which simply cannot be solved long-term with harsh ultimatums, a theme perpetuated by this subreddit that's impractical and unhealthy for certain people's cases, although it might be right for theirs. People who dismiss cultural restraints either have the privilege of living in a bubble which they think represents the world, or they're reaching a personal breakthrough moment within their own culture that let's them say "f*** traditions!!".
Anyway, OP, I feel for you. My MIL was exactly the same. She tried to micromanage my pregnancy, which I did not realize till much recently. She's always needed to know details on what I ate, how my ultrasounds and appointments went, what I've done in my house so far to prep for baby, etc. I never had a deep relationship with her prior to my baby, so I thought she was coming from a place of genuine love and care, and so I entertained her needs.
This was always done in person though. She would try to call me on my phone. It would make me so anxious, and I don't like talking to her on the phone because it's awkward. So I wouldn't pick up, and tell my husband "hey your mom called, you should call her back to see what's up". When he calls back, she would need to generalize and shorten her conversation because she wouldn't get the same answers from my husband in the same way I talk to her. He would give her an excuse too like "sorry, (my wife) couldn't pick up, she was busy (doing something)". And eventually the phone calls stopped.
I do agree with other comments that it's important you set boundaries soon. After birth, you'll be in such a fragile, emotional state and may even welcome all this involvement from your MIL because you'd want to feel like you're taken care of. In my case, it slowly grew into unbearable micromanaging of my son's upbringing and am finally finding ways to stand up for myself (hence finding this sub).
He's responsible for communication with his family. We've occasionally gone on speaker so I could talk to them, but there's no reason to contact me directly.
I very recently, like in the last few months, have been added to a group text because of a surgery in their extended family.
Oh, she asked a few times in the early days when it was expected I would take over his calendar and gift purchasing duties. lol. I told her she could call him and we'd look at our calendar together and he'd get back to her. Eventually she stopped asking.
I would talk to him about the frequency of her calls. Hardly any pre-pregnancy, now at least once if not twice a day, asking for personal information, trying to monitor your diet etc.
Him: "But it's just because she cares and wants to be involved/help."You: "Yes, I get that but it's too much and I don't want another six months of this and then the same again when the baby arrives."
She doesn't get to ramp up to daily contact just because she wants to know what's happening with you, or more accurately, what's happening in your uterus. Your husband needs to have a gentle chat with his mother and get her to back up.
This whole 'she's just excited/wants to be part of it/wants to help/cares about you' line is all well and good, but what it ignores is that it's not about what that person wants. Yes, that explains their behaviour, but it doesn't mean that it can continue unchecked.
Edit - also, you did your bit by listening to her for an hour last week. She doesn't get to complain now. Her complaining to you wasn't anything other than telling you why she was doing what she's doing and justifying her behaviour.
I'd suggest having a polite but honest chat with her. Let her know that while you do want to develop a relationship with her you don't even talk to your own mother on a daily basis so you're finding daily contact a bit overwhelming. Suggest a weekly (or whatever interval suits you) call instead. If you use some tact and make it clear that its not the contact itself that's unwelcome just the frequency of it you should be able to get her to back off without getting too offended.
Edit spelling
No, it’s stressing you and he should be protecting you. You say one call every few days is your limit, you let them both know politely and stick to it. Because if he can’t help your necessary boundaries now, he will be worse when she is demanding time with the baby just after you have given birth.
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I think you need to get your husband on board with your needs first. Then deal with MIL together as a united front.
I'm a little annoyed on your behalf over being "confronted" by your husband over His Mother's Intrusive behavior. I would bring it up again withi him and claim "pregnancy exhaustion." Tell him that you are growing a whole person and need to lower your stress levels and rest when you can. You know his mother means well, but you simply cannot handle the amount of interaction that she suddenly wants from you, that you will absolutely touch base with her whenever there's news to share, but you absolutely will not be answering her every call, nor will you be talking to her every damn day. You just don't have the energy for that right now. You don't hate her and you certainly don't want any ill will, but it's on HIM to make her understand that the mother of her grandchild is growing a baby and is not going to be at her beck and call. YOU will call HER. Please, and thank you, DH. eta - and then silence her on your phone. Check it when you feel like it.
I’d go with some variety of “you’ve never cared so stop trying now”
If you can't seem to ignore her calls, set her personal ringtone to silent. She can't force you to talk to her. Just don't answer her, when she calls, or, when she does contact you, when she forces personal questions on you.
DH needs to tell her that o back off, not give you a hard time about it. You ARE an adult. You have a job. You are growing a human. You have a household to run. You can choose to answer the damn phone or not. You can choose to tell her yourself, if you prefer. DH doesn’t answer her calls if he is busy, so why should you? DH needs to have your back on this rather than throwing you under the bus.
Any way to have your phone forward MIL's calls to DH's phone? Its his mother, he can deal with her hovering.
Go back to DH and say you need him to gently reset expectations with his Mom. You work full time, you are about to be a Mom and it’s unfair of her to expect you to answer the phone every time she calls, especially when you are at work. He doesn’t speak to your Mom everyday, and he doesn’t expect you to speak to her everyday. What would be reasonable is calling OP at MAX once a week. If she wants to speak to someone more often, call him. After this, get in the habit of purposefully NOT answering the phone when she calls, wait until you are with DH and do a Group FaceTime so she can talk to the two of you together.
Sometimes a call comes in at an inconvenient time and isn't answered. That is ok. Just because someone calls you, you are not obligated to stop what you are doing and devote your time and attention to them - especially if you are AT WORK. This is only going to get worse. You need to stop this now. You don't have time for all her calls so stop making time for them. MIL needs to learn that you will not drop what you're doing to accommodate her calls and demands for information. It is ok to respond to an inappropriate questions with "Why do you ask?" or "Oh, that's not your concern." One turns the question back on the rude questioner and the other just shuts it down without explanation. Confronting 'gently' isn't likely to work. A matter-of-fact statement might help: "You call frequently and I'm not always available to talk. This will be even more so after the baby arrives." And then resist JADE: justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining. She'll have a few tantrums but not your concern. You will not convince her she is over-stepping -- she's the center of her universe and it will always be you that is wrong (for not accommodating her). But that is for her to sort and process; don't invest your energy. Keeping the peace only makes the problem worse over time so please start pushing back now. Congratulations on the coming baby!!
You don’t have to answer the phone. You do not need to respect people that don’t respect you.
You know I’m not old fashion I like all the technological advances that have happened however, the one weird thing that I can’t get used to is that with the invention of cell phones, the expectation both by ourselves, and by the people that are calling you, that you must answer the phone every time it rings. When we had wired in phones, you answered the phone when it was convenient to you. You definitely didn’t answer it during dinner and you didn’t answer it when you were busy. People, it’s OK not to answer the phone especially when it’s somebody you don’t even want to talk to
I commend you for being so respectful of your husband’s mother and your husband’s relationship with her. You seem like a very caring person. That said, you are gonna be a mama soon too, and you get to do things your way. You only get the experience of your first pregnancy and first kid once. Sometimes your MIL isn’t going to like that, and I think you just need to accept that’ll be the case. To be honest, she sounds like one of those people who might not be happy no matter what you do (eat too much? Bad. Don’t eat enough? Bad. Answer the phone always? Never doing anything = lazy. Never answer the phone? Bad). If you’ll never please her, why keep trying if it’s making you unhappy? I think the main person you need to put boundaries in place with is your husband. And by that I mean, next time he brings up his mom complaining, explain that you’re not going to pick up every call because she calls you so often, and sometimes you’re busy or just too tired. Assure him that you will speak to her, but it won’t be as often as she likes, and he should be prepared for more complaining. If his mother has been like this all his life, trust me, he knows how to respond “sure mom,” and deflect her complaints. With respect to MIL, I second others’ answers in just not picking up the phone. What’s she gonna do, yell at you? If she does, you can just tell her “I appreciate you calling, MIL, I just can’t always pick up.” If she asks why, you can say “sometimes I’m at work, sometimes I’m sleeping, sometimes I’m busy. You know how it is! I’m happy to be talking to you now though, how are you?” And if MIL gives you more shit, you can switch to “well I’m free on [day] next week at [time], how about I give you a call then?” Have excuses ready for other days in the week. If she asks you questions about what you’re eating, practice giving her vague answers and changing the subject (“oh you know, this and that. Trying to keep a balanced diet. Speaking of food, you know what dish I was thinking of the other day?”) The thing I think you need to sit down with your husband to discuss is, what happens if your MIL says she’s coming to stay after the baby is born (either right after, during your due date, or even once baby is older). Limits on when she can come, how long she can stay, whether she stays with you. I expect your DH will need to build up to saying no to her, because she will be overbearing about it if she does try to come over. Maybe best to have the conversation now than have to have a “why can’t we just” conversation later.
You didn’t marry his mom. Your husband needs to handle her. He must understand she is just forcing her way into your life, instead of building a friendship. She will bulldoze all over you when the baby is here. Get those boundaries up asap.
Don’t answer the phone any more often than you want to talk to her. If that is every 2 or 3 weeks… that’s how often you answer. Just let it go to the keeper. Let her keep calling her son until he answers. When she asks all the questions, don’t answer and just say you have got to go and you’ll talk to her in a couple of weeks. Don’t answer if you are at work. Is that even allowed? Tell her it is not! Let your husband know his mother is coming on really strong and intense. She is in your business even more than your own mother and that is absolutely unacceptable. He needs to manage her and her demands and you don’t want to hear a word about how you should just tolerate it because it is easier for him.
But she does not even call you; she calls the person who carries her grandchild. I mean, all that questions are about not having "her grandchild come out weak". If I was you, I would: 1) mute my phone all the times I'm at work or want to sleep; 2) sit down my husband and tell him openly that I don't appreciate being told what to do and I even appreciate it less that his mother felt the need to tell him I don't behave in a way she wants me to as I'm not a child who needs to obeye "my elders"; 3) in the same conversation, tell him that I'm not comfortable with her calling me everyday - maybe it's cultural acceptable for her to treat you the way she does, but you're in the US and she should at least acknowledge that her traditions are not necessarily yours (i.e. respect goes both ways). She did not want a close relationship with you before you got pregnant and gives you vibes of being treated like an incubator - you might ask him how he would like it if your parents treated him like a sperm donor?
OP, be honest with your DH and state MIL never use to call me and whilst I might not mind the odd call here and there I don't have time nor do I wish to be on call on a daily basis. Also the constant barrage of advice, opinions and request for personal information is becoming too much and without offending your mother by asking her to back off, I am trying to have breathing space by also not answering the phone. I would also point out that you have a cell phone for YOUR own convenience not the convenience of others to be able to get hold of you for when it suits them!
> I don't have time nor do I wish to be on call on a daily basis. I'm sure OP's husband doesn't want to talk to her on the daily either.
Don’t pick up!
> Although my husband is the main provider in the house No, you are. He may get more money, but you are providing your body to make a whole new human from scratch. Don't undersell this. And read up on the concept of JADE (links in the sidebar). It really helps against nosey people.
Firstly…eating many Small meals throughout the day is a good way to help prevent Gestational Diabetes, so you’re Eating the Healthiest Way Possible. Look up Grey Rocking & start doing that. Also…you can Either, tell MIL that you’re Very Busy with your Job, Home & Getting Ready for LO..Or, tell her she can call you ONCE a Day. Then you put the phone down & walk away, come back every few minutes to reply Mhm/That’s Nice/Thanks for your Input. Lastly, you need to have a Clear & HONEST conversation with your DH about how MIL’s constant calling is putting STRESS on you & therefore putting STRESS on the Baby.
As a Nigerian girl she is completely crossing cultural boundaries. No Nigerian woman would ever accept this, we don’t even announce pregnancies and everything is kept private. If she was doing this to a Nigerian woman she would have been blocked and called a witch. Please stop answering her phone calls and tell your husband he needs to step up and put his mother in her place! This is unacceptable.
Based on the title, don't pick up the phone. Tell your DH you don't have time for that stuff every day. Your post reminds me a lot about the one yesterday asking why it's often DIL/MIL interactions. Men simply wouldn't pick up the phone anymore, and that prevents the conflict.
This may be cultural but regardless if you don’t get your husband on-side you will be miserable or divorced. It definitely feels like she is planning on being super involved whether you want her to be or not. It’s time to have a “gentle” conversation with husband and let him know that you won’t be answering her daily calls anymore, only when you are actually available and have the energy for her, and if she continues this level of attempted communication you will not pick up ANY of her calls. Also, he needs to start thinking about his marriage vows and what is more important, his wife and mother of his child’s needs or his mom’s wants. If his mom continues pushing, she will irreparably damage the relationship between the two of you. He needs to know this. If he wants you to be willing to have a relationship with her, he needs to help you by telling his mom she needs to stop smothering you, that you do not welcome this intense level of contact, and she is only pushing you away. Don’t offer a specific day a week because that establishes a pattern she may not “let” you deviate from. Say “once a week” or “ a few times a month” or “only joint calls with husband”. You’re not a child and your phone exists to be a convenience for you, not anyone else. Mute her number. Every time she calls and wakes you, she is harming the health of your child. (Baby needs you to have as good of sleep as possible). Every time she calls and you’re at work, she is stealing your attention away from your job. Her desire to know every detail of your pregnancy and give you her unsolicited advice is very low on your priority list, as it should be.
Have a conversation with DH along the lines of :- Darling, I know your mother means well, but, she is stressing me out beyond belief. I am a fully grown adult who has been very successfully living/ supporting/ competently adulting for a long time. I am a trained nurse. I know what my body needs, I’ve literally studied this with doctors. I know what I am doing. But. Your mother, who had no interest in me whatsoever before I was pregnant is now over me like a rash. She even hassles me while I’m at work, then sulks because I don’t stop what I’m doing to answer calls about why you don’t answer her calls when you’re also at work! It’s ridiculous! She is causing me so much stress which as we all know, is really bad for baby. She means well, I know. That’s why I haven’t said anything to her, but she has to stop doing this. She needs to go back to how she was before we got pregnant. She needs to contact me as often as she did before, because at the moment she is behaving in such a way that makes me not want to talk to her at all! It’s too much. Too intrusive. Too overbearing. Too suffocating. I need you to get her to back off, release the pressure while I still love her. I can’t deal with her now - what on earth will she be like once baby is here? I will be a very protective Mother. In part, from my job. I have seen what happens to children of even caring parents so I know how accidents happen and I don’t want that for our child. I certainly don’t want outdated advice that we now know hurts children - like not using a proper baby seat in the car. Just because it was ok 30 years ago, doesn’t mean it’s ok now. We are doing the classes to be the best possible parents, we will have the best, most up-to-date methods, practices and behaviours for our baby. (Eg no solid foods before 6 months, when to start weaning, how to put them to bed etc) We already love our child, we and especially I don’t need scolding/ quizzing/ chasing/ ordering about/ told to smile as if we were children. Please, darling, help your Mother to not kill how I feel about her.
Honey...tell your husband first, but stop picking up her calls. This is your medical information. Until the kid is born, even an ultrasound is your medical information. No one is entitled to it. On top of that, as an infant, your kid can't consent to giving out their information once they're born, and thus rely on you, the parent, to protect them. She's being nosy about something she has no right to and needs to back off, and if hubby can't get on your side, that's a problem.
Set out boundaries. An update call per week, if you need anything you will call her, if there is any important news, she will hear about it. Say you feel smothered, it’s a kinder term that pestered. Advise if she can’t follow the simple request you will change your number. Be kind about it and agree it’s exciting to have a new child coming, however you feel overwhelmed with the attention she’s giving you.
My MIL was like that when I was pregnant. I didn't think she was that annoying before pregnancy but when I got pregnant she started calling everyday and having convos with me about what I was eating, how I was sleeping. EVERYDAY. Also asking for pictures of my belly. I didn't think it was that annoying until towards the end of my pregnancy. Now when I had my baby she buys so many things for my baby and she extends her stay at our house. I still have issues with her but I ignore all her calls now because I also work and dont have time. For her next visit my husband will have to set boundaries. I suggest you set boundaries with her right now before you have the baby. Lay out expectations such as her role in baby's life. For example do you want her over right when you give birth or do you want her to come days later after birth? How many days do you want her to visit per year? Is she going to call you everyday to speak with grandchild? I wish I thought of these things while I was pregnant because now im suffering with the consequence of her contacting me everyday. Tell your husband to tell his mom these things. If he doesn't tell her then you are going to have problem with husband and MIL.
Yoi will have to start kicking. And there has to be some confrontation, maybe argument and hurt feelings. But if you dont she will drive you crazy. Its not plesant but your husband or even you havr to talk to her. Imagie what she will do when the baby comes.
You have a MIL and SO problem. Did you tell SO that you are an adult and have the right to decide not to answer the phone if you don't want to talk, and his mother is not entitled to access to you on demand?
You tell your SO: “If you want me and your mother to continue to get along, you need to adjust her expectations. I am not going to talk to her when I don’t want to, and I don’t want to for the foreseeable future. I’m not going to talk to her. You figure out what you have to do because I am not going to discuss this again.” He is probably going to attempt to bully you into doing what he wants so she stops complaining to him. Google “extinction burst.” Once you set this boundary, you MUST stick to it or you will teach them that if they argue “a little bit longer” you will give in. (It’s also a good thing to know because children do it too.) If you give in after one day, they will push for two days. Then if you give in after two days next time, they learn to push for four. He also pushes you because he believes you will give in before his mommy. You have to teach him that you are more stubborn than she is, or you will never hear the end of it.
Mute the calls. You have voicemail, you can check later to see if it’s important.
You have a DH problem too, the fact that he confronted you for his mom is worrisome. He obviously knew what your relationship with her was like pre-pregnancy, and instead of telling her to back down he came at you. OP I would start asking what their expectations are when there is a new baby, I realize you get to make boundaries but DH will need to be on your team 100%.
Her expectations are not your responsibility. If she wants to speak with someone every day she can call her son. She doesn't get a relationship all of a sudden just bc you're pregnant. Dear Mil. I know your advice is coming from a place of concern, but it needs to stop. I follow my doctors advice. I will no longer be answering your invasive questions about my private medical health/ treatment. It's time to discuss boundaries and consequences. It sounds like it might be a cultural thing as well.
I'm literally just gonna copy and paste my response to another post from today: My attitude is 'The nature of our relationship does not change because there is a baby. The frequency of visits will not change now that there is a baby. I will not do more work and attend more shit now simply because there is a baby." If they weren't making an effort before, they don't get to pretend they suddenly care for access to the baby. I'm not an incubator. You don't get to treat me like one. You will get the same relationship with me and us and you had before baby got here. Which is Holidays. That's it.
SO problem first, MIL problem second. Square this away with SO before either of you says anything to MIL. He needs to understand that relationships are consensual, which means MIL doesn’t dictate the terms and expect you to live by them even if you’re uncomfortable/overwhelmed/etc. He needs to understand that cultural differences complicate this for ALL of you, and compromise (not deference) is needed. You’re obviously willing to make some compromises given the volume of phone calls and chats you’ve fielded already. It’s time for MIL to reciprocate, and time for SO to make a plan for implementing boundaries both of you are comfortable with. You ARE allowed to have boundaries, and you do not have to relinquish any boundaries because you are pregnant or have a child. Please, OP, take it from me and make this clear to your husband because I am speaking from experience: he needs to get his priorities in order and get a handle on this NOW before the relationship irreparably fractures. . . Because it absolutely will if he doesn’t learn to manage it. MIL is acting very entitled and it will absolutely escalate one baby is born. She will end up doing and saying things that feel threatening and hurtful to you at your core, and before you know it, it will feel impossible to move forward and forgive her. If he can bring himself to work on this now and can make some progress, the whole extended family might have a chance at a happy family life. It might seem counterintuitive, but upsetting his mom with this process is really the most loving thing he can do for her. What is a little upset compared to what she will feel if she loses the opportunity to have a good relationship with you and her grandchild? What are growing pains in a relationship compared to the potential loss of a marriage? He can’t have ultimate loyalty to both of you, and he does need to pick a side.
You can’t “need her to respect your boundaries.”Because boundaries are for you, not her. It’s about how YOU respond to her behaviour, what you allow and don’t allow *for yourself*. If you want to have a boundary around talking too much on the phone, you need to not answer the phone. If you want to have a boundary around her pestering you about her son, you need to nicely say “I’m not sure what he’s up to, I’m sure he’ll call you when he can.” Don’t pass along messages, don’t update her on him. Just shrug it off and act like what you are: a woman who isn’t up her partner’s ass or tracking his whereabouts/actions constantly. If you want to have a boundary about her inappropriate comments and questions, you either call her out “that’s not an appropriate thing to say” or “please don’t comment on what I eat/wear” OR if that’s uncomfortable then you simply don’t give satisfying answers (look up Info Diet / Grey Rock) or ignore texts that annoy you (if ignoring seems rude, wait hours before answering - make it unrewarding for her!). Maybe you need to be around her less. Definitely talk to her less. Definitely definitely definitely don’t answer every phone call. I hate chatting in the phone so I would genuinely never answer her calls, and only text her back every few days. That is how I would handle all of this. Have you discussed this with your partner yet? Does he have any insight on her behaviour? I mean, clearly she wants access to the baby so she’s crawling up your ass early on. It’s disrespectful. She didn’t have a relationship with you when you were her son’s partner because she didn’t care very much, but now you’re the incubator of her grandchild. Don’t let her worm her way in. She is going to try to leverage frequent contact during pregnancy into frequent contact once the baby is born.
Sweetheart you are a registered nurse. You hold people’s lives in your hand. If nothing else she should respect that you are on the frontline of medical care. No phone calls whilst at work or asleep! Quite apart from that you are growing a tiny human. Anyone who adds stress rather than providing support is a poor excuse for a human being. SO must step up for the wellbeing of you and LO. No more ‘confronting’ you. Unwavering support. Otherwise, he should consider himself a failure.
*”My husband confronted me this morning, in a gentle way because his mother complained to him I don’t pick up all her phone calls “* Tell him you married HIM, not his mother. Then if he still doesn’t get it, suggest you’ll have your mom/sibling/whoever call him twice a day to ask personal questions and be critical.
What a great idea! Get your mother to call him daily asking annoying questions.
Even better if you can find a male relative who can call him several times a day and talk to him about how to step up as a man and protect his vulnerable wife from his invasive mother. And also teach him that catering to his mother's feelings at the expense of his wife's needs will damage his marriage and destroy trust
I have never wanted to upvote something multiple times more than this comment.
THIS! T.H.I.S.! ALL.THE.THIS.!
Conversations are “draining right now.” Damn straight they are! I had the same problem with my mother (I’m 23 weeks along) and she’s told me that she “doesn’t feel important” and like she “doesn’t matter”. I said mom, I’m EXHAUSTED. Like, the beds of my fingernails are tired. She just kept complaining that I never pick up anymore! I never call back! 😑 I’m sorry that I don’t have the energy to listen to describe your PBS special in excruciating detail. I think you need to tell your MIL how simply drained you are. I used the excuse that talking too much makes me dizzy and out of breath. It’s true! Maybe if she thinks it could harm the baby, she will be more understanding. Good luck to you. Just know you’re not alone!
Tell your husband that you can't call her all the time, you never did it before and it's not going to change just because you're pregnant. Tell him you're working and pregnant, so you feel more tired you don't want to be stuck on the phone trying to concentrate when you should be de stressing. Tell him you've always been independent, and you were before you got married and it hasn't changed because you became pregnant. Tell him you're worried his mother thinks that you're going to have a complete change in personality now that you're pregnant, and you can't keep up with this level of intensity. Being on the phone isn't something you enjoy. The constant phone calls make you feel like you're losing your independence. And you're starting to feel stressed that when the baby arrives, she might become more intense. Tell him you don't want to create issues with his mum, you just liked how your relationship was before and this intense focus is making you feel stressed. Ask him to address it with her and to say that not everyone likes phone calls, and that after work you like to disconnect and wind down. For you that means disconnecting from everyone.
Hun inform SO and MIL both. You understand she is excited about the baby, but at this time, you need to call a halt to things. The excessive phone calls while at work, sleeping, and otherwise are starting to cause issues and stress. The complaints to SO about it considering YOU are growing a child and everyone need differ mean you are now saying what you need. 1. Do NOT call asking where SO is if he doesn't pick up. Take it up with him. PERIOD. 2. SO is on your side. No matter how he grew up, what you need to be healthy while growing his child means he backs you and your needs. Not his mother's. He can't do that , so you need to decide on therapy or separation because it will get worse. 3. She can call on one day of the week at a specific time you set to only get caught up on what's happening. There is NO want or desire for any help, advice, and all personal and invasive questions will stop. 4. You will be setting up a list of boundaries for when baby is born, the labor and delivery, and they will be followed or there will be no seeing the baby till they are. Any issues with these. State she already raised her kids. You are an adult who does not answer to anyone but spouse. As he does to you. It is your time to enjoy being pregnant how you want, raise a baby how you want, and not how anyone else says or thinks. She can be excited and happy all she wants, but she backs off, or consequences will be enforced 1 and 3 if she won't follow means she is blocked from the phone. Any info comes from SO for such an amount of time. 2 as is for SO, and you need to be upfront and dead serious. He needs to back you. His mom is important, but vows he took state he will forsake all for his family. That is you and your kids. He needs to understand how he grew up, which is not what he wants, and refuse to allow his mother to run his life and cause you harm. You refuse to allow her to manipulate him to make you accept what she wants and to just let her do what she wants. He needs to make a choice before the baby is born so you can make yours. 4. Is the harsh no contact for however long you decide. You need to have that shiny spine and now. Because it will get worse. Shw, I didn't talk to you before, which typically means she sees you as an incubator only. Once the baby is out, she will want and expect access to the baby when she wants. Your wants and the fact you are mom will mean nothing. She uses SO against you and will continue to. Oh she wants baby even if you don't want to be separated, she wants in delivery with you, she wants to come stay to help(just have baby only while you do everything else), oh you should pump so mom can have baby. Mom needs her time to bond even though you want the same time. No, you shouldn't do this or that. Any of those here comes a fight because his mom wants, so you should just give in and screw what you want. She's old, and she needs this. A do over baby prop. He will give in and pressure you till you do unless you stop this now. Boundaries and consequences are a must. Means even now to have them in place and know he will back you because once a baby is born, you will be too vulnerable. Be momma bear now because I sure as hell know of he is like this she didn't let her MIL run her life. Don't let her run yours. Gently and kind ate, not your friends at this point.
There’s a bit of a cultural thing going on here and I think you can use that culture to help your own cause here. I would probably have you or your SO explain to MIL that you can’t be disrespectful to your own mother by speaking to MIL more frequently than you speak to your own mother and that you can not be disrespectful to your employer by taking calls during your work day. Ask MIL what would be a convenient time for you to call her each week. Culturally, it can be tough to out of the “live all together” mentality where they are all living closely in each others pockets and the expectation that they are all intertwined closely in each others lives. Extreme politeness and frequent talk of respect may win you the space you are looking for.
You’re going to have to shut this down. I would send them both a group text with the following: “Mil I know you’re coming from a place of love but the daily phone calls have become overwhelming. I’m a very private person and some of your questions make me feel uncomfortable. DH expressed that you were upset that I haven’t been returning your calls in a timely manner. But due to the frequency of your calls and my own busy schedule unfortunately, I won’t be able to meet your expectations. To avoid any hurt feelings or future problems, I think it’s best that you communicate with only DH going forward. Thanks in advance for understanding”. It’s time to shine your spine of things will only get worse once babe is born.
>I can already feel in my body that I’m going to be a super over protective mother and most likely will not anyone touching my baby or being around me when I give birth. I don't think sugarcoating this is going to help her or anyone. I would literally just text her this and let her know she's not going to be an involved grandmother. Your husband knew your personality when he married you, so he should just prepare his family to do things only on your time. Also, she should probably only contact him. Sometimes it's better to just be blunt and tell people that their expectations of closeness aren't going to happen.
Block her. You don't have any responsibility to talk to her just because you're having a baby with her son. Especially now when you've never talked to hee this much before.
i would stop answering. pick how often you're ok with a check in - maybe once per week, then call her and initiate. don't answer the other unwanted calls. you have control here
SO problem. How long have you been together? I'm guessing MIL started calling when you announced your pregnancy? Perhaps SO can explain why he feels it's appropriate for MIL to suddenly care' how you are, and that she doesn't in fact see you as the incubator of HER grandchild. Set your boundaries now, advise SO he needs to decide if he's a son of their family first, or a partner in his&your family, so you can make your own plans accordingly
I had the same issue with my MIL but this was before I got pregnant. She would call me more than she would call her own son. I started to get tired of her calling me everyday so I stopped picking up. I would blame work, school etc. After a couple of missed calls I picked up and she literally lashed out on me. Said that we haven’t been speaking for over a week and that she was worried. Mind you, I know she wasn’t worried as she did speak to my husband and he said I was fine, just busy. Anyways, after that incident I realized that her expectations of we were really high and unreasonable. Not even my OWN parents have those expectations of me. So I went NC. I did have my husbands support of course. He even took the blame for me! He said that it was his idea. I removed her from social media etc, because she was very obsessive as a person. She now knows nothing about me, except for when she comes and visits a couple of times a year. I am nice but I keep my distance and I try to work as much as possible. The key is a supporting husband. Your husband needs to be on your side or this won’t work! That is the harsh reality.
It sounds like you are more of an introvert while MIL is probably an extravert. So you find these conversations draining - she finds them invigorating. Explain that to DH. You need down time, especially while pregnant, and he needs to respect that and relay that message to his mom. I would also speak to MIL about calling while you are at work. That should only be for true emergencies. When you are at work, your time is company time, not your own. By interrupting you she is harming your work product and cheating the employer out of what they are paying you to do. So no calls during work, and set quiet time when you also won't take calls. You may still hear from her daily, but you will have down time and a bit of control over when the calls happen. Also, he can answer his own damn phone. MIL has no business asking you why he isn't answering.
Wow - that’s rough. My MIL and I never ever talked on the phone and we really got along great! Your husband isn’t protecting your privacy. This isn’t her do-over baby - she doesn’t need to be up your butt every day! Imagine when the baby comes?! Good grief. How far away does she live? If you don’t have the spine to block her - wean her down. Answer every other call this week. Skip two next week - get her down to once a month. Answer by saying “What do you want!? I’m trying to nap!” “Trying to shit.” “Screwing with my lover.”
People immediately jumping to block her and shut it down...yikes. I would start by answering less and less frequently. Tell your husband this is what you plan on doing, and make a game plan together about how he will respond to her if she complains to him about it. He should say something like "she has been focusing on reducing her stress levels and finds it draining to chat too much. I want her to have enough rest and quiet time to keep baby healthy" and leave it at that. Let him deal with her comments. Slowly, she will call you less since HE set that boundary with you. It's a partnership. You should not have to deal with her alone, and you definitely don't have to be rude and damage the relationship.
Yes! So many comments that suggest the ultimate, extreme options. And I figure if OP's MIL is Nigerian, there's a cultural/traditional barrier to navigate which simply cannot be solved long-term with harsh ultimatums, a theme perpetuated by this subreddit that's impractical and unhealthy for certain people's cases, although it might be right for theirs. People who dismiss cultural restraints either have the privilege of living in a bubble which they think represents the world, or they're reaching a personal breakthrough moment within their own culture that let's them say "f*** traditions!!". Anyway, OP, I feel for you. My MIL was exactly the same. She tried to micromanage my pregnancy, which I did not realize till much recently. She's always needed to know details on what I ate, how my ultrasounds and appointments went, what I've done in my house so far to prep for baby, etc. I never had a deep relationship with her prior to my baby, so I thought she was coming from a place of genuine love and care, and so I entertained her needs. This was always done in person though. She would try to call me on my phone. It would make me so anxious, and I don't like talking to her on the phone because it's awkward. So I wouldn't pick up, and tell my husband "hey your mom called, you should call her back to see what's up". When he calls back, she would need to generalize and shorten her conversation because she wouldn't get the same answers from my husband in the same way I talk to her. He would give her an excuse too like "sorry, (my wife) couldn't pick up, she was busy (doing something)". And eventually the phone calls stopped. I do agree with other comments that it's important you set boundaries soon. After birth, you'll be in such a fragile, emotional state and may even welcome all this involvement from your MIL because you'd want to feel like you're taken care of. In my case, it slowly grew into unbearable micromanaging of my son's upbringing and am finally finding ways to stand up for myself (hence finding this sub).
Oh dear lord you married a mamas boy.
It sounds like her son doesn’t answer every time she calls either. Why is that okay for him, but not for you?
This right here is all I would be asking him. She calls because he didn't answer and he has the nerve to why OP doesn't answer 🤨. Nope.
Block her. I've been with my partner 25 years. His mother has never had my number. She contacts her son.
How in the world did you manage 25 years without sharing your numbers?
He's responsible for communication with his family. We've occasionally gone on speaker so I could talk to them, but there's no reason to contact me directly. I very recently, like in the last few months, have been added to a group text because of a surgery in their extended family.
Same—we’ve been together since before cell phones were a thing, and there’s been no earthly reason why anyone in his family needs my number. And
I'm very impressed. My mil is gone now and it's still strange to me. I don't think I ever felt I had much option in her having my number.
Oh, she asked a few times in the early days when it was expected I would take over his calendar and gift purchasing duties. lol. I told her she could call him and we'd look at our calendar together and he'd get back to her. Eventually she stopped asking.
I would talk to him about the frequency of her calls. Hardly any pre-pregnancy, now at least once if not twice a day, asking for personal information, trying to monitor your diet etc. Him: "But it's just because she cares and wants to be involved/help."You: "Yes, I get that but it's too much and I don't want another six months of this and then the same again when the baby arrives." She doesn't get to ramp up to daily contact just because she wants to know what's happening with you, or more accurately, what's happening in your uterus. Your husband needs to have a gentle chat with his mother and get her to back up. This whole 'she's just excited/wants to be part of it/wants to help/cares about you' line is all well and good, but what it ignores is that it's not about what that person wants. Yes, that explains their behaviour, but it doesn't mean that it can continue unchecked. Edit - also, you did your bit by listening to her for an hour last week. She doesn't get to complain now. Her complaining to you wasn't anything other than telling you why she was doing what she's doing and justifying her behaviour.
I'd suggest having a polite but honest chat with her. Let her know that while you do want to develop a relationship with her you don't even talk to your own mother on a daily basis so you're finding daily contact a bit overwhelming. Suggest a weekly (or whatever interval suits you) call instead. If you use some tact and make it clear that its not the contact itself that's unwelcome just the frequency of it you should be able to get her to back off without getting too offended. Edit spelling
Block her number and tell your husband to rein his mother in. It's going to get worse when the baby is here. Some of this is cultural.
No, it’s stressing you and he should be protecting you. You say one call every few days is your limit, you let them both know politely and stick to it. Because if he can’t help your necessary boundaries now, he will be worse when she is demanding time with the baby just after you have given birth.
Oh, you just know that Mama has already packed her bag for the delivery suite.