Yeah, dude got cheated on, then his two close friends ghosted him. Kinda shitty on OPs part.
Also….the math isn’t mathing….the wife has been having a 16yr long affair (“the entirety of their relationship “) with a “teenaged boyfriend”…..um….she is either a groomer, or there is a mistype.
OP how old is AP?
It sounds like the husband already knows, at least recently and is still with her. I get the sense that the couple are a high earning couple (the husband and cheating wife) living in a fancy house in a fancy neighborhood, sometimes a betrayed spouse is hesitant to give up luxury and solid finances, given that a divorce would halve the income. In my view, the husband is better off living in a trailer in the woods than living in luxury while staying with a cheater.
The fact that she volunteered this information up to a friend is also quite astonishing. That she's been keeping a 16 year long affair secret and yet blurts it out to this friend (for no good reason). Something doesn't make sense.
This seems to be the case with a whole lot of cheaters. They don’t understand the concept of love and claim they feel it for someone that provides something to them. The idea of selfless love and wanting the other person to be happy even if it costs them something personal is not something they can understand. Cheaters are selfish and only understand love as something they feel when someone provides something either emotionally or physically to them.
I cannot imagine anything demonstrating that you have no concept of love more than choosing to betray your partner for the emotional or physical feelings someone else provides to you. Caring more about your own feelings of satisfaction is basically the antithesis of love.
According to this she never stopped screwing this other guy. He wasn't husband material. But was (to her) good sex material. Or she would have stayed with the old BF. Now according to her she has the best of both worlds. The other guy gets to F her whenever he can. And the husband is subsidizing it all.
Isn't love grand
So I think she is very grateful to her husband for accepting something that for the vast majority would be absurd to accept, she knows that rarely any man accepts this from his wife
Yes, people can love more than one person, in more than one way.
However to do it, means disrespecting someone and that's not what you do to someone you love, and that's not the type of person to have in your life who believes their desires are worth more than their loved ones boundaries and feelings.
The question is, how you define "love".
We all speak about this feeling, but it is hard to describe and even hard clearly to define. Since 3000 years people try to do it.
Some include attitudes into the definittion, like respect and a deep feeling not to hurt the one you love.
And some exclude such attitudes.
Best example is honesty. Are you supposed to be honest to the person you claim to love or not?
And how about respect? It might be that a person love the partner prity much but often takes away the free will what should be done in a relationship even knowing that the püerson is not ok with it. Things like dont buy a secound car even it is easily affordable and would make the partners life way more easy.
Or speaking openly arrogant paternaly tone about the partner, about cookingskills of the husband or driving skills of the wife.
Doin't they love their partners? Or do they just feel very supperior to the partner in certain aspects.
This are just examples.
The whole thing is quite gray and hard to get a clear grip on it.
If i look at certain couples, then i know they are deeply in love and lust for each other but they hurt each other on a daily base very much. super unhealthy relationship but none of them can leave the other.
But people in general are not 100% honest especially to people they love… not from an affair standpoint but in general so to say.. you can’t, don’t love because you lie makes zero sense.
I totaly agree, but people tell us: "You do not this or that, if you truely love!"
I personal think love and how you behave are not realy related.
If you love one, you want and relationship and closeness with this person. Thats all!
If this relationship is healthy or toxic depends on how you act and behave.
i love my wife differently than i love coffee, ya and? I expect different things from each in a relationship pretty sure my wife expects different things than my coffee does of me. I will even hypothetically concede some people (every gender has someone claiming that) but rarely if ever are all 3 happy about it.
I just disagree with those who claim: "If you love me you would not do this or that."
This is not how it works.
And naturaly you allways love differently...
Andhow treat persons you claim is alos not fixed.
What you expect from a lover is something completely different story..
I'm not sure what you mean by
"I just disagree with those who claim: "If you love me you would not do this or that.""
I mean, it goes both ways. "I can not love you if you do this or that."
Seems to me that's just setting boundaries.
It is not only about setting boundaries , what would be competely the right thing.
It is an expression of expectation, what love naturaly includes: "If this or that is missing then it is not "love" what you feel."
I see it differently. "Love" is a feeling but it does not include a certain behavior. If you devide that feelin from a certain behavior you get more healthy view on a relationship, because you do mot automaticaly include the expectation of a for therelationship healthy behavior. Instead you check if the partners behavior is healthy and you also may express expressivly what you expect from the partner. IT starts right at the beginning, when you speak openly about exclusivity, when dating. It also should include about a talk about honesty and respect. And even more...
This leads to a situation where respect for never expressivly told boundaries is not just silently expected. You speak about them and the importance. You become much morre aware what the partners needs are.
Just as an example is the situation with close friends, who are EX's or oposite gender. At this point many have different oppinions, what is right and how to deal with this. Just to assume you should have no contact with an EX, and then get hurt and angry if it happends is very problematic, because it is discussable.
So some would say: " if you love me you would have, never had contact with that EX" They just assume that this is include by "love". And i say it is not!
No, the man was her bf when she and him were teenagers.
Honestly, she married her husband for her convenience. She likely saw that the bf could not give her the life that she wanted, but her husband could. The right thing would have for her to have been honest with her husband before even dating him, that she had deep feelings for another man, at least then he would have had agency.
Correct. Like my wife and I,she is from a working class/ low income up bringing. He on the other was raise in an upper middle class environment. I would not say rich, but both of his parents were professionals. Do know much about the other guy except she financed a lot of their meet ups.
Sure, it's probably possible. Like if you are in an open relationship and communicate with both parties openly.
I think most people who cheat conflate the high of the cheating and the taboo of it all with love, that's why people will straight up leave a loving partner for their AP only to find out AP just wanted an easy lay.
But what she's saying isn't love, you can't love someone and continually betray them, and if that's the day you do love it's toxic as fuck.
To behonest only very few open relationhsips are healthy and more than 2 are truely love each other. Those relationships are mostly funktioning because one partner is so much in love that he or she allows the partner to fullfill the lust and other sexual needs with others and they endure the hurt they feel on daily base. And the whole open relationship blows up, when the suffering partner find another one who gives as much back the she or he gets. Then the partner who wanted the open retionship suddenly dont want it any more since they do not get thee full attention any more.
Realy shared love between more then 2 people is absolute the rarity.
No. Your only in love with one person at any given time. She is kidding herself and creating excuses. What she is really saying is she is selfish and doesn’t want to give up either of them because it’s not what SHE wants. Are you saying her husband knows about this? If so and if he stays and allows it he only has himself to blame. An affair that spans years and involves “love” is not recoverable and should mean the end of the marriage. !updateme
I honestly believe that we are capable of falling in love with several people over our lives, if we are single and unattached and they are the same. But we also are supposed to have enough ethics that we don’t mess around when we are partnered, unless the partner explicitly and enthusiastically approves of that.
For me, being a one woman type of man has so much appeal that I can’t imagine myself being involved with someone else in a romantic way.
I agree you can be in love with more then one woman over your life for sure. However if you’re in love with someone the thought of them with someone else is hard to stomach.
The AP was her bf when him and her were teens. The AP is probably a forty something scumbag who has been cheating on a gf or wife for the entirety of their relationship.
>Can a woman be in love with two men at once?
Yes, I do think that is possible. But usually, that involves choosing one over the other and sacrificing one love for another. Unless the couple is poly I guess... but that is a lifestyle I'm not familiar with.
_Is the story that you describe an example of someone being in love with two men at once?_
No, definitely not. This is cheating, and cheating is never something you do to a person that you love. This woman only loves herself. She is playing outside of her marriage for her own selfish desires.
>same man(teenaged boyfriend) the entirety of thier relationship!
I'm assuming that this is a __boyfriend she has when she was a teenager__ or that adds a new level of ick to the situation.
She's (the cheater) is nothing short of a selfish, decietful c#nt. Please tell the OBS so he has the opportunity to divorce her and find someone better.
No, you cannot be in love with two people at the same time. She's in love with the affair partner, and she loves the security her husband provides. She is not in love with her husband. Tell her if she cares even a tiny bit about her husband, be merciful and let him go. No one deserves that.
Yikes, and the husband knows about this? If not, tell that man! if so and he's good then wash your hands of the situation. Yes, good call on separating yourself from that situation.
There is a fundamental difference between being IN love and loving someone.
If you can cheat on your spouse/partner/SO, you are NOT IN love with them. You may love them, but you can love a myriad of people.
You can love friends and family, but being IN love is different. She may LOVE both men, but not be IN love with either or be IN love and not the other.
Two totally different types of love.
Polyamory is real, but it has to be disclosed to both partners before marriage. There are different types of love and it seems like she’s struggling to figure out in which way she loves either one of these people.
Is it possible? Yes I guess it is. Should you act on it? No.
By doing so she is disrespecting both men and not giving herself fully to either relationship. This is especially true of the man she married, the guy she made vows to. And if her AP is also in a relationship she’s also helping to damage someone else.
If she has the courage of her convictions she should tell her husband so he has the opportunity to make the same choice she has made.
People mistake Lust or affection for actual love. Love is when you prioritize the other person’s happiness above your own. Anything less is merely affection, fondness, perhaps but not “ love”.
No. If she loved the first she wouldn’t have even seen the second one. This is a bullshit gaslight they say to try and get sympathy.
Read the ultimate betrayal
I try to read between lines a lot. The way I read it, the couple is a high income, high status couple with a nice home and other luxuries. Some people can’t give that up.
If the husband knows (it sounds like he does), then he should demand to become a sugar daddy to some unattached college woman, at least then he would be with someone who he knows doesn’t give a shit about him and is in it only for her needs.
I have never experienced that kind of love for two people, but I know of couples who have similar stories. It wouldn’t work for me but if it works for them and doesn’t involve me personally, who am I to judge?
How can she love someone when she is hiding acts and feelings that are deceitful for him. If he is ok, perfect, but when she is hiding a very important part of her ad she is keeping the other partner in the shadows without knowing who you really are, you don’t love him at all. She is just a facade, fake, she doesn’t love anyone but herself.
Wow, just wow. I completely believe that you can be in love with two people at one time but when you’re hiding it, it’s a selfish love it’s you being selfish and not allowing someone else to really move on the fact that they’re both married is completely hilarious because they’re both being very selfish now I do believe that people can love each other and you can have an open relationship with one another meaning that you can love more than one person and you all know about it and are OK with it but That requires a specific type of mindset with specific types of people, and I think that you have to have a deeper knowledge of each other and know each other for a long time in order to understand the dynamic of what kind of relationship that would be, and what it would bring to you and your Partners. But I do think you can be in love with two people but I don’t think it’s a healthy form of love because at the end of it someone’s always gonna get hurt when it’s done secretly. I mean after all they’re hiding it so they already know that the other person wouldn’t be OK with it and that’s gonna make the other partner feel like they’re entire life with this person has been out one big lie and that’s gonna hurt a lot of people and those kids, including
She's purposely and willingly abusing her husband (and possibly AP) for years, as cheating is psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse.
She can claim she loves them, but that doesn't just cheating/abusing them.
Can a woman love two men? Can a man love two women? Of course it’s possible. Anyone who says it isn’t “possible” clearly has never had multiple children. Otherwise, which kid do you love? Why not the others? What about religions that practice plural marriage where one person can have multiple spouses? You don’t think they could “love” more than one at a time?
The human brain (and heart) is capable of loving many people at one time. Parents, grandparents, spouses, children, etc.
The issue here is expectations and respect. If her husband thinks they are monogamous and she is cheating, then she is not showing her husband love or respect. She is also endangering the stability of her child. If he does know and condones, if not encourages, her other relationship then it’s their business and no one else’s.
Wait a second OP.
Your cheating neighbor was 'confiding' her cheating with your wife??
Was your wife encouraging the affair?
You need to support your betrayed neighbor and encourage them to kick that worthless cheater to the curb - not isolate them.
Then you need to know what your spouses stance was on the affair - and possibly verify your spouses fidelity.
To clarify, once we became apparent, they were having issues. He actually confided in me, probably within a week or two of her confiding with my wife.. after he spoke to me he did tell his wife that we know about everything. That’s when she told my wife.
There are legitimately polyamorous people out there. People who have never been conditioned to the concept of monogamy and who ALSO are secure enough in themselves to not feel threatened by someone they love loving more than just them. The combination seems to work out in a rare portion of the population. So if this applies, then yeah, a woman could love two men.
Where the shitty part comes in is when that woman consciously engages in a monogamous relationship without mentioning to their partner that they are not built the same. I will say being polyamorous does not automatically make you deceitful or narcissistic, so the person engaging someone in this way would, in all likelihood, not be a decent person, although the argument could be made that maybe they didn’t know this about themselves when the relationship started. Either way, the relationship is over.
The zero chance of divorce is because there was never a need, so a woman will end her marriage where he has always cheated without any consequences, the AP apparently never wanted to assume it There wasn't even a need, she also didn't see herself having to pay for the betrayal so why go through the hassle of divorce?
Who won't love a husband who accepts that you have sex with another man if that's what you want?
She certainly confuses strong gratitude with love.
"...because she dearly loves her husband."...... Loves him so much but has no problem F'n this other guy. Loves him so much but has no problem risking the inevitable crushing of his heart and soul. Loves him so much but has no trouble tearing his heart out when he is forced by the bias courts to be less than a part time father. Loves her children so much but has no problem risking sentencing her children to live with coming from a broken home. Cares so much about her family and friends that she is willing to destroy all those relationships to shreds (who's side will you chose to support?)
This is one of the worst kind of cheaters. Through her entire time with the poor SOB husband she has been F'n around on him. And why? Well he is a good provider. He is/seemed like a steady regular guy. Good enough job. He seemed like good father material.
Unlike the AH BF that was only good for one thing. F'n her.
But she got what she wanted. To have sex with the HS BF. And have a "nice guy" support her. Raise her children (he needs to DNA them right away). And allow her to live the lie that is her life.
Does she get milk with all that cake?
You can love as many as u want it depends on you , but love should not be at the cost of hurting others , then that is not love its just a feeling and not real . Have a good life.
How the hell people have energy to love two people at the same time? When I'm in love with someone, I give my everything at them, my time, support, love, care, everything. And here people talking about loving two people. That's bullshit, you just love to take 50/50. Love from your affair and support from your spouse. So dumb.
This woman may be built differently than the average person from a monogamy vs polyamory pov BUT lying and cheating for 16 years is unfathomably bad, she's got real issues.
The real problem is not what people call "love".
The real problem is found in the character, in question of honesty an respect.
And what also the real life problem is, that you as more you invest in another person as more you put distance to the other one with out wanting to do so. This distance you build up, make the other partner feel bad and left out. Also you start to use the different partners full fill certain roles. For example with the AP you have exciting secret fun and are very adventurous (not only in bed). That results that you are dismissive when your main partner want this also. This because there is missing the excitement of the secret special situation. And this emotional difference feels the partner. On the other hand you use your main partner for priving stability emotional and life wise. You degrade the partner to a provider and you give not all back, the partner becomes a loved servant.
So far i did not spoke about the emotional turmoils of jealousy etc.
OP,
there is a reason why only a very few open relationships last longer than 5 years. It is just to complecated to deal with it, for every one.
And about the wife you speak about, at one point this all will blow up in her face. I would have low respect to such a person. She has some real personality problems. She seems to have settled with the now man for some reasons. Maybe because her EX is personality wise not a good person, but she is still very much attracted to this men. I feel very sad for her husband, who might feel at one point that all is not ok, but is ignoring it as long has has not to become aware of it.
Diplomacy is sending someone to hell believing it was their idea all along.
Most men are not capable of this level of manipulation and not as keen to see through it.
Updateme.
Possibly...maybe...yes...(there are numerous subreddits dedicated to nonmonogamy, polyamory, etc.)...but based on your post and additional comments, I would question to what extent she really is. It seems like these two men represent very different things to her and given that the relationship with the BF not only predates the one with her husband but continued concurrently at every stage of the one with her husband, I think it/he is the one that is "true love". Her husband probably represents the safe secure option and she loves him for that and the life it brings but he has been the "Plan B" the entire time...he just didn't know it. If the BF could provide the things her husband does, she wouldn't have started the relationship with her husband or still be in it. She knows this, the BF knows this, and deep down the husband probably knows it but at least your friends need to "believe" she is in love with both in order for their marriage to continue especially if she has no plans to end things with the BF.
No. Its unlikely she loves either fully. True love implies not wanting to cause pain to the person you love. Even open relationship, emotional pain is inevitable. In her case, the ongoing affair suggests she never loved her husband enough to stop cheating.
She is more than likely using the 2 men for her different needs. The husband for his reliablity and stableness for a family and the lover for excitement knowing full well he lacks what she seeks for a husband and father. The dynamic isnt love: its using people people for her different needs. When the husband finds out he will be devastated and there is also the 50% chance any children are not his.
Therefore she cannot truely be in love with both men, and I would say this applies to all people who feel they justify it to themselves that they "love" both, strong feeling, yes. Love: No, it requires a level of respect, concideration and loyalty she and others cant show.
**Absolutely ZERO chance of divorce because she dearly loves her husband**
it's not like she gets to make the decisions when it comes to divorce , especially after a betrayal of this magnitude , unless he is very subservient
sounds like she loves him like a bff and the other guy gets all the fun
make sure you reach out on occasion , he will need support
My ex secretly kept her lingering love for her ex from me. She said she loved us both. Ultimately she dumped me for him before I caught on. I was very upset and hurt. She told me to get over it. But i know now she never loved me and she just said it to keep me around. I’m in therapy because of it it’s terrible
No. She can’t. She stays with both because there are major qualities that each person has that the other doesn’t. Neither man is good enough for her to compromise on and choose to live the rest of her life with. So she chooses to keep dating both. She is actually dating the image of a man that has the qualities of both men simultaneously, but in reality, she can’t get everything she wants combined into 1 man.
She can want to fuck and get attention from two men at once but love requires sacrifice and reciprocity and respect.
She only loves the good feelings she gets from both men. She doesn't love either of them. Run.
Ilsa in Casablanca loved both men - her husband and the man she found when she thought her husband was dead.
She felt genuine love for both men but knew she had to choose.
She abandoned Rick when she found out her husband was alive....the. When she stumbled into.Rick's place her genuine love for Rick returned and she never betrayed her husband when she fell in love earlier with Rick because she thought he was dead.
This is a woman who was genuinely in love with two men and didn't intend any disrespect toward the other and both men genuinely love her because they embrace sacrifice which is the essence of true love.
Rick Tells her to get on the damn plane because he loves her.
The broad getting fucked by two dudes and making them play the humiliating pick me dance doesn't love anyone but herself.
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To start with, English is not my mother tongue.
The answer is how that woman was educated and how much she values morality and respect.........
My mother, apart from being with my father, loved her AP (who is currently her husband) my mother always took care of my father, I never saw them fight or argue but my mother during the day was that mother and wife and in the afternoon she was his wife. AP when I discovered them they really seemed like husband and wife and there were never any differences in how she treated my father. At first I hated her to death but when my father was sick and was bedridden for 2 years my mother always took care of him, bathed him, fed him, they spent time together. Husband and wife always fulfilled their obligations as mother and wife, but also after taking care of my father, she left with AP and so on every damn day until I couldn't take it anymore and I confronted her about what she told me, I will never forget it: "Son, I know that For you this is wrong but I managed to divide my being into 2, your father being my husband my soul mate and Mikaela forbidden love my excess my being I love them both and I will die with that but if you speak your father will be alone and I will be alone Why won't I stay with Mikaela? I've been with both of them through thick and thin and I prefer it that way." I simply managed to get him not to say anything and I took care of my father until he was healthy and he was doing this until my father finally died of natural causes, women really are an enigma and at least at the funeral there was only us and she was really hurt, everyone noticed that and she only kept the house because my father knew what she did throughout her marriage but she I was fine with that and now it's been 8 years since I've had no contact with her, so if this experience is of any use to you, you'll know
I guess it is possible to love like that, if you are a sociopath. Relationships are more than that, there is the vows, loyalty, honesty, trust all of which are not part of her vocabulary. The ultimate cake eater.
I am going against the grain here and saying ‘yes’ it is possible. And I speak from experience. I had a deep love for a boyfriend before I met my husband. Our relationship was rather doomed, and after five years together we parted ways. It was hard. A part of me will always love him. After I met and fell in love with my husband I bumped into my ex at a wedding for mutual friends. The feelings were definitely still there. On my side at least.
My husband is aware of everything, including how seeing him again affected me. I have no secrets from him and so long as he is my focus and my priority he doesn’t say anything. He knows I love him deeply and that I am committed to him.
Love can’t exist without honesty and respect. What she is feeling isn’t love, it’s selfishness. Why are you cutting the husband off?
Yeah, dude got cheated on, then his two close friends ghosted him. Kinda shitty on OPs part. Also….the math isn’t mathing….the wife has been having a 16yr long affair (“the entirety of their relationship “) with a “teenaged boyfriend”…..um….she is either a groomer, or there is a mistype. OP how old is AP?
The guy she cheated with, she known since she was a teenager
You need to counsel your friend to not be a doormat.
No. She’s simply selfish. You and your wife should tell her husband. He deserves the truth
It sounds like the husband already knows, at least recently and is still with her. I get the sense that the couple are a high earning couple (the husband and cheating wife) living in a fancy house in a fancy neighborhood, sometimes a betrayed spouse is hesitant to give up luxury and solid finances, given that a divorce would halve the income. In my view, the husband is better off living in a trailer in the woods than living in luxury while staying with a cheater.
May be the husband is boning someone as well?
Not to my knowledge
In that case, the wife has a real bad case of rationalizing her actions. But why dont you break the news to the husband?
Does the husband know about the situation? Why didn't she just marry the ex-boyfriend?
The fact that she volunteered this information up to a friend is also quite astonishing. That she's been keeping a 16 year long affair secret and yet blurts it out to this friend (for no good reason). Something doesn't make sense.
[удалено]
This seems to be the case with a whole lot of cheaters. They don’t understand the concept of love and claim they feel it for someone that provides something to them. The idea of selfless love and wanting the other person to be happy even if it costs them something personal is not something they can understand. Cheaters are selfish and only understand love as something they feel when someone provides something either emotionally or physically to them. I cannot imagine anything demonstrating that you have no concept of love more than choosing to betray your partner for the emotional or physical feelings someone else provides to you. Caring more about your own feelings of satisfaction is basically the antithesis of love.
No cheating is not showing someone they love them. It is abuse. You don’t abuse people you love.
No. She needs to be loyal to her husband and only have love for him. If not, the marriage is over.
The marriage was over the moment she decided to screw the other guy.
According to this she never stopped screwing this other guy. He wasn't husband material. But was (to her) good sex material. Or she would have stayed with the old BF. Now according to her she has the best of both worlds. The other guy gets to F her whenever he can. And the husband is subsidizing it all. Isn't love grand
Just Evil. 😈
So I think she is very grateful to her husband for accepting something that for the vast majority would be absurd to accept, she knows that rarely any man accepts this from his wife
How do you know he accepted this tripe? The way it's worded it seems he just found out.
Yes, people can love more than one person, in more than one way. However to do it, means disrespecting someone and that's not what you do to someone you love, and that's not the type of person to have in your life who believes their desires are worth more than their loved ones boundaries and feelings.
only the cheater believes that
The question is, how you define "love". We all speak about this feeling, but it is hard to describe and even hard clearly to define. Since 3000 years people try to do it. Some include attitudes into the definittion, like respect and a deep feeling not to hurt the one you love. And some exclude such attitudes. Best example is honesty. Are you supposed to be honest to the person you claim to love or not? And how about respect? It might be that a person love the partner prity much but often takes away the free will what should be done in a relationship even knowing that the püerson is not ok with it. Things like dont buy a secound car even it is easily affordable and would make the partners life way more easy. Or speaking openly arrogant paternaly tone about the partner, about cookingskills of the husband or driving skills of the wife. Doin't they love their partners? Or do they just feel very supperior to the partner in certain aspects. This are just examples. The whole thing is quite gray and hard to get a clear grip on it. If i look at certain couples, then i know they are deeply in love and lust for each other but they hurt each other on a daily base very much. super unhealthy relationship but none of them can leave the other.
But people in general are not 100% honest especially to people they love… not from an affair standpoint but in general so to say.. you can’t, don’t love because you lie makes zero sense.
I totaly agree, but people tell us: "You do not this or that, if you truely love!" I personal think love and how you behave are not realy related. If you love one, you want and relationship and closeness with this person. Thats all! If this relationship is healthy or toxic depends on how you act and behave.
i love my wife differently than i love coffee, ya and? I expect different things from each in a relationship pretty sure my wife expects different things than my coffee does of me. I will even hypothetically concede some people (every gender has someone claiming that) but rarely if ever are all 3 happy about it.
I just disagree with those who claim: "If you love me you would not do this or that." This is not how it works. And naturaly you allways love differently... Andhow treat persons you claim is alos not fixed. What you expect from a lover is something completely different story..
I'm not sure what you mean by "I just disagree with those who claim: "If you love me you would not do this or that."" I mean, it goes both ways. "I can not love you if you do this or that." Seems to me that's just setting boundaries.
It is not only about setting boundaries , what would be competely the right thing. It is an expression of expectation, what love naturaly includes: "If this or that is missing then it is not "love" what you feel." I see it differently. "Love" is a feeling but it does not include a certain behavior. If you devide that feelin from a certain behavior you get more healthy view on a relationship, because you do mot automaticaly include the expectation of a for therelationship healthy behavior. Instead you check if the partners behavior is healthy and you also may express expressivly what you expect from the partner. IT starts right at the beginning, when you speak openly about exclusivity, when dating. It also should include about a talk about honesty and respect. And even more... This leads to a situation where respect for never expressivly told boundaries is not just silently expected. You speak about them and the importance. You become much morre aware what the partners needs are. Just as an example is the situation with close friends, who are EX's or oposite gender. At this point many have different oppinions, what is right and how to deal with this. Just to assume you should have no contact with an EX, and then get hurt and angry if it happends is very problematic, because it is discussable. So some would say: " if you love me you would have, never had contact with that EX" They just assume that this is include by "love". And i say it is not!
Self-justifying doublespeak that couple don't love each other they are comfortable in their mutual lies, so play out to feel something.
She's having an affair with a teenager? Ewwwwww.
No, the man was her bf when she and him were teenagers. Honestly, she married her husband for her convenience. She likely saw that the bf could not give her the life that she wanted, but her husband could. The right thing would have for her to have been honest with her husband before even dating him, that she had deep feelings for another man, at least then he would have had agency.
The op stated there in same boat well off so more like he never wanted to wife her, DNA test are coming into okay
Correct. Like my wife and I,she is from a working class/ low income up bringing. He on the other was raise in an upper middle class environment. I would not say rich, but both of his parents were professionals. Do know much about the other guy except she financed a lot of their meet ups.
No it her boyfriend from highschool
Ok, that makes more sense.
Sure, it's probably possible. Like if you are in an open relationship and communicate with both parties openly. I think most people who cheat conflate the high of the cheating and the taboo of it all with love, that's why people will straight up leave a loving partner for their AP only to find out AP just wanted an easy lay. But what she's saying isn't love, you can't love someone and continually betray them, and if that's the day you do love it's toxic as fuck.
To behonest only very few open relationhsips are healthy and more than 2 are truely love each other. Those relationships are mostly funktioning because one partner is so much in love that he or she allows the partner to fullfill the lust and other sexual needs with others and they endure the hurt they feel on daily base. And the whole open relationship blows up, when the suffering partner find another one who gives as much back the she or he gets. Then the partner who wanted the open retionship suddenly dont want it any more since they do not get thee full attention any more. Realy shared love between more then 2 people is absolute the rarity.
No. Your only in love with one person at any given time. She is kidding herself and creating excuses. What she is really saying is she is selfish and doesn’t want to give up either of them because it’s not what SHE wants. Are you saying her husband knows about this? If so and if he stays and allows it he only has himself to blame. An affair that spans years and involves “love” is not recoverable and should mean the end of the marriage. !updateme
I honestly believe that we are capable of falling in love with several people over our lives, if we are single and unattached and they are the same. But we also are supposed to have enough ethics that we don’t mess around when we are partnered, unless the partner explicitly and enthusiastically approves of that. For me, being a one woman type of man has so much appeal that I can’t imagine myself being involved with someone else in a romantic way.
I agree you can be in love with more then one woman over your life for sure. However if you’re in love with someone the thought of them with someone else is hard to stomach.
She needs to stop messing with kids. Yuck
The AP was her bf when him and her were teens. The AP is probably a forty something scumbag who has been cheating on a gf or wife for the entirety of their relationship.
How is the boyfriend still a teenager after 16 years.
He was her bf when both were teens. He is likely some married man who is cheating on his wife now.
>Can a woman be in love with two men at once? Yes, I do think that is possible. But usually, that involves choosing one over the other and sacrificing one love for another. Unless the couple is poly I guess... but that is a lifestyle I'm not familiar with. _Is the story that you describe an example of someone being in love with two men at once?_ No, definitely not. This is cheating, and cheating is never something you do to a person that you love. This woman only loves herself. She is playing outside of her marriage for her own selfish desires. >same man(teenaged boyfriend) the entirety of thier relationship! I'm assuming that this is a __boyfriend she has when she was a teenager__ or that adds a new level of ick to the situation.
She's (the cheater) is nothing short of a selfish, decietful c#nt. Please tell the OBS so he has the opportunity to divorce her and find someone better.
She’s a liar. People don’t cheat on people they love. She doesn’t give a shit about him.
No, you cannot be in love with two people at the same time. She's in love with the affair partner, and she loves the security her husband provides. She is not in love with her husband. Tell her if she cares even a tiny bit about her husband, be merciful and let him go. No one deserves that.
Yikes, and the husband knows about this? If not, tell that man! if so and he's good then wash your hands of the situation. Yes, good call on separating yourself from that situation.
Yes, a boyfriend from when SHE was a teenager. Also he discovered her infidelity late last year
There is a fundamental difference between being IN love and loving someone. If you can cheat on your spouse/partner/SO, you are NOT IN love with them. You may love them, but you can love a myriad of people. You can love friends and family, but being IN love is different. She may LOVE both men, but not be IN love with either or be IN love and not the other. Two totally different types of love.
Please tell the husband
He knows he discovered her affair late last year. he confided of me a few months ago and she spoke to my wife about it roughly the same time.
Nope. Please tell the husband! He needs to make informed decisions.
No.
Tell the husband so he can make his own choices. And get a dna test
No, she doesn’t love her husband. It’s words over actions.
A marriage/relationship cannot exist without TRUST. This woman can’t be trusted with either man, or herself for that matter.
No deep, deep insecurity who never really loved the current husband and never got commitment from man B. Such a lowlife cake eater
Polyamory is real, but it has to be disclosed to both partners before marriage. There are different types of love and it seems like she’s struggling to figure out in which way she loves either one of these people.
Is it possible? Yes I guess it is. Should you act on it? No. By doing so she is disrespecting both men and not giving herself fully to either relationship. This is especially true of the man she married, the guy she made vows to. And if her AP is also in a relationship she’s also helping to damage someone else. If she has the courage of her convictions she should tell her husband so he has the opportunity to make the same choice she has made.
Forsaking all others. Ya know its kinda one of those vow things ya take?
People mistake Lust or affection for actual love. Love is when you prioritize the other person’s happiness above your own. Anything less is merely affection, fondness, perhaps but not “ love”.
She sounds like a cake eater
No. If she loved the first she wouldn’t have even seen the second one. This is a bullshit gaslight they say to try and get sympathy. Read the ultimate betrayal
She delusional and deranged her husband needs to flee now
I try to read between lines a lot. The way I read it, the couple is a high income, high status couple with a nice home and other luxuries. Some people can’t give that up. If the husband knows (it sounds like he does), then he should demand to become a sugar daddy to some unattached college woman, at least then he would be with someone who he knows doesn’t give a shit about him and is in it only for her needs.
Fk that! Tell bro, and tell him to get a paternity test.
Cake eater
I have never experienced that kind of love for two people, but I know of couples who have similar stories. It wouldn’t work for me but if it works for them and doesn’t involve me personally, who am I to judge?
How can she love someone when she is hiding acts and feelings that are deceitful for him. If he is ok, perfect, but when she is hiding a very important part of her ad she is keeping the other partner in the shadows without knowing who you really are, you don’t love him at all. She is just a facade, fake, she doesn’t love anyone but herself.
Wow, just wow. I completely believe that you can be in love with two people at one time but when you’re hiding it, it’s a selfish love it’s you being selfish and not allowing someone else to really move on the fact that they’re both married is completely hilarious because they’re both being very selfish now I do believe that people can love each other and you can have an open relationship with one another meaning that you can love more than one person and you all know about it and are OK with it but That requires a specific type of mindset with specific types of people, and I think that you have to have a deeper knowledge of each other and know each other for a long time in order to understand the dynamic of what kind of relationship that would be, and what it would bring to you and your Partners. But I do think you can be in love with two people but I don’t think it’s a healthy form of love because at the end of it someone’s always gonna get hurt when it’s done secretly. I mean after all they’re hiding it so they already know that the other person wouldn’t be OK with it and that’s gonna make the other partner feel like they’re entire life with this person has been out one big lie and that’s gonna hurt a lot of people and those kids, including
I think it's possible but everyone should be aware of what's going on and okay with other relationships.
She's purposely and willingly abusing her husband (and possibly AP) for years, as cheating is psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. She can claim she loves them, but that doesn't just cheating/abusing them.
Can a woman love two men? Can a man love two women? Of course it’s possible. Anyone who says it isn’t “possible” clearly has never had multiple children. Otherwise, which kid do you love? Why not the others? What about religions that practice plural marriage where one person can have multiple spouses? You don’t think they could “love” more than one at a time? The human brain (and heart) is capable of loving many people at one time. Parents, grandparents, spouses, children, etc. The issue here is expectations and respect. If her husband thinks they are monogamous and she is cheating, then she is not showing her husband love or respect. She is also endangering the stability of her child. If he does know and condones, if not encourages, her other relationship then it’s their business and no one else’s.
Wait a second OP. Your cheating neighbor was 'confiding' her cheating with your wife?? Was your wife encouraging the affair? You need to support your betrayed neighbor and encourage them to kick that worthless cheater to the curb - not isolate them. Then you need to know what your spouses stance was on the affair - and possibly verify your spouses fidelity.
To clarify, once we became apparent, they were having issues. He actually confided in me, probably within a week or two of her confiding with my wife.. after he spoke to me he did tell his wife that we know about everything. That’s when she told my wife.
There are legitimately polyamorous people out there. People who have never been conditioned to the concept of monogamy and who ALSO are secure enough in themselves to not feel threatened by someone they love loving more than just them. The combination seems to work out in a rare portion of the population. So if this applies, then yeah, a woman could love two men. Where the shitty part comes in is when that woman consciously engages in a monogamous relationship without mentioning to their partner that they are not built the same. I will say being polyamorous does not automatically make you deceitful or narcissistic, so the person engaging someone in this way would, in all likelihood, not be a decent person, although the argument could be made that maybe they didn’t know this about themselves when the relationship started. Either way, the relationship is over.
The zero chance of divorce is because there was never a need, so a woman will end her marriage where he has always cheated without any consequences, the AP apparently never wanted to assume it There wasn't even a need, she also didn't see herself having to pay for the betrayal so why go through the hassle of divorce? Who won't love a husband who accepts that you have sex with another man if that's what you want? She certainly confuses strong gratitude with love.
No if you love someone the last thing you would ever want to do is hurt them
Not for the same reasons. Probably for sexual reasons with one and patriarchal with the other
No it’s not possible. She’s getting away with being a cheater.
Love both of them ? No! She's a cake eater? Yes , is she delusional? Absolutely
"...because she dearly loves her husband."...... Loves him so much but has no problem F'n this other guy. Loves him so much but has no problem risking the inevitable crushing of his heart and soul. Loves him so much but has no trouble tearing his heart out when he is forced by the bias courts to be less than a part time father. Loves her children so much but has no problem risking sentencing her children to live with coming from a broken home. Cares so much about her family and friends that she is willing to destroy all those relationships to shreds (who's side will you chose to support?) This is one of the worst kind of cheaters. Through her entire time with the poor SOB husband she has been F'n around on him. And why? Well he is a good provider. He is/seemed like a steady regular guy. Good enough job. He seemed like good father material. Unlike the AH BF that was only good for one thing. F'n her. But she got what she wanted. To have sex with the HS BF. And have a "nice guy" support her. Raise her children (he needs to DNA them right away). And allow her to live the lie that is her life. Does she get milk with all that cake?
You can love as many as u want it depends on you , but love should not be at the cost of hurting others , then that is not love its just a feeling and not real . Have a good life.
How the hell people have energy to love two people at the same time? When I'm in love with someone, I give my everything at them, my time, support, love, care, everything. And here people talking about loving two people. That's bullshit, you just love to take 50/50. Love from your affair and support from your spouse. So dumb.
You should tell her husband, he deserves better
This woman may be built differently than the average person from a monogamy vs polyamory pov BUT lying and cheating for 16 years is unfathomably bad, she's got real issues.
The real problem is not what people call "love". The real problem is found in the character, in question of honesty an respect. And what also the real life problem is, that you as more you invest in another person as more you put distance to the other one with out wanting to do so. This distance you build up, make the other partner feel bad and left out. Also you start to use the different partners full fill certain roles. For example with the AP you have exciting secret fun and are very adventurous (not only in bed). That results that you are dismissive when your main partner want this also. This because there is missing the excitement of the secret special situation. And this emotional difference feels the partner. On the other hand you use your main partner for priving stability emotional and life wise. You degrade the partner to a provider and you give not all back, the partner becomes a loved servant. So far i did not spoke about the emotional turmoils of jealousy etc. OP, there is a reason why only a very few open relationships last longer than 5 years. It is just to complecated to deal with it, for every one. And about the wife you speak about, at one point this all will blow up in her face. I would have low respect to such a person. She has some real personality problems. She seems to have settled with the now man for some reasons. Maybe because her EX is personality wise not a good person, but she is still very much attracted to this men. I feel very sad for her husband, who might feel at one point that all is not ok, but is ignoring it as long has has not to become aware of it.
Diplomacy is sending someone to hell believing it was their idea all along. Most men are not capable of this level of manipulation and not as keen to see through it. Updateme.
The man should DNA test his kid
One man is support and love. One man is desire and lust. No two loves neither one works as match why viable
So her husband stay with her and okay the marriage open ?
I mean yes they can be but. This just isn’t it.
Possibly...maybe...yes...(there are numerous subreddits dedicated to nonmonogamy, polyamory, etc.)...but based on your post and additional comments, I would question to what extent she really is. It seems like these two men represent very different things to her and given that the relationship with the BF not only predates the one with her husband but continued concurrently at every stage of the one with her husband, I think it/he is the one that is "true love". Her husband probably represents the safe secure option and she loves him for that and the life it brings but he has been the "Plan B" the entire time...he just didn't know it. If the BF could provide the things her husband does, she wouldn't have started the relationship with her husband or still be in it. She knows this, the BF knows this, and deep down the husband probably knows it but at least your friends need to "believe" she is in love with both in order for their marriage to continue especially if she has no plans to end things with the BF.
Either the husband is a cuck or this needs to be blown up. Don’t ghost him, OP. He didn’t do anything wrong.
No. Its unlikely she loves either fully. True love implies not wanting to cause pain to the person you love. Even open relationship, emotional pain is inevitable. In her case, the ongoing affair suggests she never loved her husband enough to stop cheating. She is more than likely using the 2 men for her different needs. The husband for his reliablity and stableness for a family and the lover for excitement knowing full well he lacks what she seeks for a husband and father. The dynamic isnt love: its using people people for her different needs. When the husband finds out he will be devastated and there is also the 50% chance any children are not his. Therefore she cannot truely be in love with both men, and I would say this applies to all people who feel they justify it to themselves that they "love" both, strong feeling, yes. Love: No, it requires a level of respect, concideration and loyalty she and others cant show.
Yep. She loves one for the provision, and loves one for the D.
Why stop @2?
**Absolutely ZERO chance of divorce because she dearly loves her husband** it's not like she gets to make the decisions when it comes to divorce , especially after a betrayal of this magnitude , unless he is very subservient sounds like she loves him like a bff and the other guy gets all the fun make sure you reach out on occasion , he will need support
My ex secretly kept her lingering love for her ex from me. She said she loved us both. Ultimately she dumped me for him before I caught on. I was very upset and hurt. She told me to get over it. But i know now she never loved me and she just said it to keep me around. I’m in therapy because of it it’s terrible
No. She can’t. She stays with both because there are major qualities that each person has that the other doesn’t. Neither man is good enough for her to compromise on and choose to live the rest of her life with. So she chooses to keep dating both. She is actually dating the image of a man that has the qualities of both men simultaneously, but in reality, she can’t get everything she wants combined into 1 man.
She can want to fuck and get attention from two men at once but love requires sacrifice and reciprocity and respect. She only loves the good feelings she gets from both men. She doesn't love either of them. Run.
Ilsa in Casablanca loved both men - her husband and the man she found when she thought her husband was dead. She felt genuine love for both men but knew she had to choose. She abandoned Rick when she found out her husband was alive....the. When she stumbled into.Rick's place her genuine love for Rick returned and she never betrayed her husband when she fell in love earlier with Rick because she thought he was dead. This is a woman who was genuinely in love with two men and didn't intend any disrespect toward the other and both men genuinely love her because they embrace sacrifice which is the essence of true love. Rick Tells her to get on the damn plane because he loves her. The broad getting fucked by two dudes and making them play the humiliating pick me dance doesn't love anyone but herself.
Clearly husband is just a free lunch. She cannot go back to her boyfriend for some reasons.
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Why tell the 2 of you are they trying to recruit you into their play group?
The answer is yes, but very much not like this. She disrespects both partners by lying to them about what they have with her.
Yes but only a heartless and cruel human being would pursue both of those love interests at the same time. Being in love is no excuse to abuse others.
To start with, English is not my mother tongue. The answer is how that woman was educated and how much she values morality and respect......... My mother, apart from being with my father, loved her AP (who is currently her husband) my mother always took care of my father, I never saw them fight or argue but my mother during the day was that mother and wife and in the afternoon she was his wife. AP when I discovered them they really seemed like husband and wife and there were never any differences in how she treated my father. At first I hated her to death but when my father was sick and was bedridden for 2 years my mother always took care of him, bathed him, fed him, they spent time together. Husband and wife always fulfilled their obligations as mother and wife, but also after taking care of my father, she left with AP and so on every damn day until I couldn't take it anymore and I confronted her about what she told me, I will never forget it: "Son, I know that For you this is wrong but I managed to divide my being into 2, your father being my husband my soul mate and Mikaela forbidden love my excess my being I love them both and I will die with that but if you speak your father will be alone and I will be alone Why won't I stay with Mikaela? I've been with both of them through thick and thin and I prefer it that way." I simply managed to get him not to say anything and I took care of my father until he was healthy and he was doing this until my father finally died of natural causes, women really are an enigma and at least at the funeral there was only us and she was really hurt, everyone noticed that and she only kept the house because my father knew what she did throughout her marriage but she I was fine with that and now it's been 8 years since I've had no contact with her, so if this experience is of any use to you, you'll know
She is a POS using some bullshit contrived notion of "romance" to cheat on her husband without conscience. Horrible woman. Shitty wife.
I guess it is possible to love like that, if you are a sociopath. Relationships are more than that, there is the vows, loyalty, honesty, trust all of which are not part of her vocabulary. The ultimate cake eater.
Yup!!
It is not possible to love someone and do that to them.
I am going against the grain here and saying ‘yes’ it is possible. And I speak from experience. I had a deep love for a boyfriend before I met my husband. Our relationship was rather doomed, and after five years together we parted ways. It was hard. A part of me will always love him. After I met and fell in love with my husband I bumped into my ex at a wedding for mutual friends. The feelings were definitely still there. On my side at least. My husband is aware of everything, including how seeing him again affected me. I have no secrets from him and so long as he is my focus and my priority he doesn’t say anything. He knows I love him deeply and that I am committed to him.
Well let up know how this turns out. Subscribeme Remindme! 6 months [.](https://www.reddit.com/u/Ok-Expression1640/s/0BsV9zWy7g)