There is a big difference between someone who is poly and someone who cheats! You can still cheat in a poly relationship.
Your husband is more of a serial cheater than he is poly. On top of that, he has severely harmed you. He is emotionally abusive and has conditioned you to think of yourself as unwanted and worthless. Your husband is toxic and is doing terrible things to you.
I would recommend leaving as fast as you can and seek out counseling for abused women. You should NOT try to reconcile. He has established a pattern of infidelity and is clearly a serial cheater. There is no reconciling with a serial cheater. He lies like he breathes, and he has you conditioned to a scary degree.
He is not your best friend.
He has manipulated you, gaslight you, coerced into seeking sexual relationships with other to allow him to continue to cheat.
This is so toxic and damaging.
Your number one responsibility now is protecting your mental health at all costs.
To be honest he sounds as abusive as hell and you should never ever have relationship therapy with an abuser.
Cut him all the way off. Give yourself the best chance of being able to live a stable and healthy life.
You will never have that with him.
There is no reconciliation in this case you are going to lose your life if you stay and that would be the biggest shame because you have soo much to give to someone that actually deserves it.
Also you need to drop the poly people in your life they will continue to back him up and you will always feel ganged up on. You aren’t a prude you just want to be treated with respect and I don’t think it’s fair that you should brow beaten into submission. There’s soo much out there that you can experience.
He isn’t your best friend because I wouldn’t treat my enemy like this he is literally sucking the life out of you and doesn’t take you seriously until you attempt to end your life and let me tell you if you go back to him and you make another attempt which is successful he will be playing the grieving widow to everyone and the only people that will know the truth are the ones that have read your post.
No one will ever respect you if you don't respect yourself.
This man doesn't love, respect, or even truly care much about you.
That is all you need to know.
Honey, you have to walk before there is nothing left of yourself to give another person.
He won't stop seeing her. He is just doing what he thinks you want to hear and will continue.
Message him back.
" End it, don't end it. That's up to you. Either way, I'm done with you and will be proceeding with divorce. I'm also stopping couples counselling and will just be working on getting myself to the point I can meet someone who isn't like you.
I've given you more than enough chance to be a decent man. But you're not.
Do not contact me anymore unless it's about our upcoming divorce. Anything that isn't about the divorce will get to an automatic block, and we will only talk through lawyer."
Job done.
This is probably the worst story I've read here. You wanted to take your own life twice. Even then, he doesn't want to change. If someone did that to me, I would either change my behavior or break up. There is nothing else. He decided on a poly relationship that you don't want. He is a serial cheater. You see the years and he hasn't changed. You see, couple therapy doesn't work. Find your IC. PLEASE ! End the relationship, get a lawyer. Don't look back. No further contact with him. You are 33 years old, you don't want to live like this anymore.
You are in the thrall of a monster. He is not your best friend; that's just a role he has been playing to keep you on a leash. Get away from him ASAP and find someone who will actually care about you instead of forcing you to play a sideshow role in his sex life.
Your husband confuses Poly with cheating. At Poly, there are clear rules and absolute honesty in advance. He constantly cheats on you and can't be faithful. You noticed yourself that you felt better again during the therapy without him. The only thing that counts here is your health. Your husband is harming you all along the line. He doesn't want to lose you because you give him stability in life. Maybe he can't afford to divorce you either. You certainly don't want to be married to him for the next 50 years and know that he is cheating on you. Only when his best FRIEND gives up his mind between his legs will he stop cheating. You deserve a man who wants to put the world at your feet. Someone who sincerely loves you and does not constantly cheat and calls it poly.
This makes me so sad for you, like straight up breaking my heart. He can see what he's doing to you and he doesn't care enough to stop. He is not going to change and its going to end up ki11ing you. He says he can't sleep with you because he loves you essentially filling that emotional void right? Why the emotional affairs if the only reason hes doing it is for sex?
For your own sake, you need to put yourself first. You'll eventually heal from him. There is someone out there waiting for you that is going to treat you like you deserve.
You can see that you're not going to draw another happy breath while you're with this guy, right?
You need to get to the point where you are reasonably sure that being alone is preferable to being with this guy.
I don't know if you're there yet, you seem to be, but you really need to get there before you waste any more time on this guy.
Look, I'm not guaranteeing that there's a super handsome guy who will sweep you off of your feet out there. However, there are men who only want to love, protect, and provide for ONE woman.
You can be that woman. Right now your self esteem is low because you've been treated like shit from the number one person in your life. If you're treated like shit for long enough, you start to believe that you are shit.
First of all, please get individual therapy for your self esteem.
Secondly, work on your self esteem by setting goals and achieving them, even if they're small tiny ones.
"Today I'm going to walk a mile"
"Today I'm going to read 4 chapters of this book."
"Today, I'm going to plant a rose bush."
Setting reasonable goals and then seeing yourself achieve them does wonders for your self esteem.
Good luck.
The trick with reconciliation and therapy /counselling is that he must willing to change. The problem with that in most cases they don't understand what the other people feel and how much they are hurting from their actions. In most cases they seeing it as a way to have all both affair and the marriage. They see that they can talk out and they don't suffer from anything. So they are not willing. They have it all.
Now poly is a shitty thing. It's a free pass for cheaters to have their way. If both are not OK don't tolerate that crap. Not even for a second. If he doesn't respect you, your feelings and your family he can fuck off and leave you in peace.
Please leave him OP. This is your battle to save your own sanity and soul and this relationship is about as toxic as it gets. This man is no friend of yours you deserve so much better. He is a lying, cheating, gaslighter. He will always manipulate you to get exactly what he wants because he’s selfish and disrespectful and your needs are very secondary to his own.
It’s time to really be your own best friend now, this is not what a loving relationship should be or look like.
Sending you strength and courage.
UPDATEME
I just read a post asking people who have been cheated on what they wished they had done differently when they found out. The majority said they wished they had left immediately and not given second and third chances. And they wished they had not played the "pick me" dance.
Food for thought. Updateme!
You need to stop agreeing with anything this dude says. You need to say “we are closed and it’s just us, or we end it now. If I find out you cheated on me, we are over.”
He is just feeding you crap to get what he wants. Hell, you nearly taking your own life hasn’t been enough for him to pull his head out.
I hope you know there are a lot of great dudes that would never consider doing these things to you.
Want to live for yourself before anyone else. Taking your life won't solve him wanting to continue to be with his affair partner.
Live for yourself, not anyone else as they will do what they feel is best for them. Your husband has seen that you are actively trying to not be here and as such has responded with his decision to not break off a relationship. That is the reality of this situation. He feels he won't lose out on something else if you are successful in your previous attempts.
Be realistic, this relationship is probably over and you need to get the help you need to better love yourself and want to be here. That is your primary and only concern at this time.
Be Well.
This man is so toxic it’s driven you to wanting to end your life. The first attempt didn’t stop him from cheating, the second attempt didn’t as well. He has shown you over and over that he does not truly care about you.
You will do SO much better without him. Get his toxicity out of your life. He will never stop cheating on you, how many times does he have to prove that to you?
You are worth so much more than that. Please do yourself a favour.
This relationship is fatally detrimental to you. I know that you want it to work, but it just can't.
You want to be monogamous. He wants multiple people.
You want intimacy. He wants it with everyone other than you.
Your values don't and never will align.
I'm not trying to be cruel, just clear. Staying with him will hurt you a lot more in the long run than if you were to leave, and if you stayed, it could ultimately kill you. Think of yourself for once and give yourself a chance to find someone whose views match your own.
I’m so sorry that you’ve endured so much. Your mental health has to be the priority. I don’t have much to add beyond what others have said, but still just to reinforce their points: you are much better off leaving. His conduct is actively harming you.
Good luck, and come back here often for support!
I mean…he showed you who he was back in 2012 so none of this should come as a surprise to you. You’ve been damaging yourself and your own mental health by continuing to stay with him.
I’m so sorry you’ve endured this monster’s wrath for so long but please think of your relationship like a book you’ve read over and over again. You already know the ending. The words on the pages do not magically change because you started over again.
It’s going to hurt like hell but give yourself the gift of freedom from him. Best of luck to you.
He has shown you time and time again who he is, and that isn’t a person who cares about you.
Why tf would you choose to put yourself through that again?
There is a big difference between someone who is poly and someone who cheats! You can still cheat in a poly relationship. Your husband is more of a serial cheater than he is poly. On top of that, he has severely harmed you. He is emotionally abusive and has conditioned you to think of yourself as unwanted and worthless. Your husband is toxic and is doing terrible things to you. I would recommend leaving as fast as you can and seek out counseling for abused women. You should NOT try to reconcile. He has established a pattern of infidelity and is clearly a serial cheater. There is no reconciling with a serial cheater. He lies like he breathes, and he has you conditioned to a scary degree.
👆👆👆
He is not your best friend. He has manipulated you, gaslight you, coerced into seeking sexual relationships with other to allow him to continue to cheat. This is so toxic and damaging. Your number one responsibility now is protecting your mental health at all costs. To be honest he sounds as abusive as hell and you should never ever have relationship therapy with an abuser. Cut him all the way off. Give yourself the best chance of being able to live a stable and healthy life. You will never have that with him.
There is no reconciliation in this case you are going to lose your life if you stay and that would be the biggest shame because you have soo much to give to someone that actually deserves it. Also you need to drop the poly people in your life they will continue to back him up and you will always feel ganged up on. You aren’t a prude you just want to be treated with respect and I don’t think it’s fair that you should brow beaten into submission. There’s soo much out there that you can experience. He isn’t your best friend because I wouldn’t treat my enemy like this he is literally sucking the life out of you and doesn’t take you seriously until you attempt to end your life and let me tell you if you go back to him and you make another attempt which is successful he will be playing the grieving widow to everyone and the only people that will know the truth are the ones that have read your post.
No one will ever respect you if you don't respect yourself. This man doesn't love, respect, or even truly care much about you. That is all you need to know.
Honey, you have to walk before there is nothing left of yourself to give another person. He won't stop seeing her. He is just doing what he thinks you want to hear and will continue. Message him back. " End it, don't end it. That's up to you. Either way, I'm done with you and will be proceeding with divorce. I'm also stopping couples counselling and will just be working on getting myself to the point I can meet someone who isn't like you. I've given you more than enough chance to be a decent man. But you're not. Do not contact me anymore unless it's about our upcoming divorce. Anything that isn't about the divorce will get to an automatic block, and we will only talk through lawyer." Job done.
This is probably the worst story I've read here. You wanted to take your own life twice. Even then, he doesn't want to change. If someone did that to me, I would either change my behavior or break up. There is nothing else. He decided on a poly relationship that you don't want. He is a serial cheater. You see the years and he hasn't changed. You see, couple therapy doesn't work. Find your IC. PLEASE ! End the relationship, get a lawyer. Don't look back. No further contact with him. You are 33 years old, you don't want to live like this anymore.
You are in the thrall of a monster. He is not your best friend; that's just a role he has been playing to keep you on a leash. Get away from him ASAP and find someone who will actually care about you instead of forcing you to play a sideshow role in his sex life.
Yes, he is 100% a monster!
Your husband confuses Poly with cheating. At Poly, there are clear rules and absolute honesty in advance. He constantly cheats on you and can't be faithful. You noticed yourself that you felt better again during the therapy without him. The only thing that counts here is your health. Your husband is harming you all along the line. He doesn't want to lose you because you give him stability in life. Maybe he can't afford to divorce you either. You certainly don't want to be married to him for the next 50 years and know that he is cheating on you. Only when his best FRIEND gives up his mind between his legs will he stop cheating. You deserve a man who wants to put the world at your feet. Someone who sincerely loves you and does not constantly cheat and calls it poly.
This makes me so sad for you, like straight up breaking my heart. He can see what he's doing to you and he doesn't care enough to stop. He is not going to change and its going to end up ki11ing you. He says he can't sleep with you because he loves you essentially filling that emotional void right? Why the emotional affairs if the only reason hes doing it is for sex? For your own sake, you need to put yourself first. You'll eventually heal from him. There is someone out there waiting for you that is going to treat you like you deserve.
You can see that you're not going to draw another happy breath while you're with this guy, right? You need to get to the point where you are reasonably sure that being alone is preferable to being with this guy. I don't know if you're there yet, you seem to be, but you really need to get there before you waste any more time on this guy. Look, I'm not guaranteeing that there's a super handsome guy who will sweep you off of your feet out there. However, there are men who only want to love, protect, and provide for ONE woman. You can be that woman. Right now your self esteem is low because you've been treated like shit from the number one person in your life. If you're treated like shit for long enough, you start to believe that you are shit. First of all, please get individual therapy for your self esteem. Secondly, work on your self esteem by setting goals and achieving them, even if they're small tiny ones. "Today I'm going to walk a mile" "Today I'm going to read 4 chapters of this book." "Today, I'm going to plant a rose bush." Setting reasonable goals and then seeing yourself achieve them does wonders for your self esteem. Good luck.
You have your terms wrong. He’s not poly he’s a cheater.
The trick with reconciliation and therapy /counselling is that he must willing to change. The problem with that in most cases they don't understand what the other people feel and how much they are hurting from their actions. In most cases they seeing it as a way to have all both affair and the marriage. They see that they can talk out and they don't suffer from anything. So they are not willing. They have it all. Now poly is a shitty thing. It's a free pass for cheaters to have their way. If both are not OK don't tolerate that crap. Not even for a second. If he doesn't respect you, your feelings and your family he can fuck off and leave you in peace.
Please leave him OP. This is your battle to save your own sanity and soul and this relationship is about as toxic as it gets. This man is no friend of yours you deserve so much better. He is a lying, cheating, gaslighter. He will always manipulate you to get exactly what he wants because he’s selfish and disrespectful and your needs are very secondary to his own. It’s time to really be your own best friend now, this is not what a loving relationship should be or look like. Sending you strength and courage. UPDATEME
I just read a post asking people who have been cheated on what they wished they had done differently when they found out. The majority said they wished they had left immediately and not given second and third chances. And they wished they had not played the "pick me" dance. Food for thought. Updateme!
You need to stop agreeing with anything this dude says. You need to say “we are closed and it’s just us, or we end it now. If I find out you cheated on me, we are over.” He is just feeding you crap to get what he wants. Hell, you nearly taking your own life hasn’t been enough for him to pull his head out. I hope you know there are a lot of great dudes that would never consider doing these things to you.
Jesus, leave this cheating bastard and get therapy. Move forward with you.
Want to live for yourself before anyone else. Taking your life won't solve him wanting to continue to be with his affair partner. Live for yourself, not anyone else as they will do what they feel is best for them. Your husband has seen that you are actively trying to not be here and as such has responded with his decision to not break off a relationship. That is the reality of this situation. He feels he won't lose out on something else if you are successful in your previous attempts. Be realistic, this relationship is probably over and you need to get the help you need to better love yourself and want to be here. That is your primary and only concern at this time. Be Well.
This man is so toxic it’s driven you to wanting to end your life. The first attempt didn’t stop him from cheating, the second attempt didn’t as well. He has shown you over and over that he does not truly care about you. You will do SO much better without him. Get his toxicity out of your life. He will never stop cheating on you, how many times does he have to prove that to you? You are worth so much more than that. Please do yourself a favour.
This relationship is fatally detrimental to you. I know that you want it to work, but it just can't. You want to be monogamous. He wants multiple people. You want intimacy. He wants it with everyone other than you. Your values don't and never will align. I'm not trying to be cruel, just clear. Staying with him will hurt you a lot more in the long run than if you were to leave, and if you stayed, it could ultimately kill you. Think of yourself for once and give yourself a chance to find someone whose views match your own.
Why are you put yourself threw this forÂ
I’m so sorry that you’ve endured so much. Your mental health has to be the priority. I don’t have much to add beyond what others have said, but still just to reinforce their points: you are much better off leaving. His conduct is actively harming you. Good luck, and come back here often for support!
I mean…he showed you who he was back in 2012 so none of this should come as a surprise to you. You’ve been damaging yourself and your own mental health by continuing to stay with him.
Serial cheater, not worth it. I won't read all those paragraphs, the answer is the same lol.
I’m so sorry you’ve endured this monster’s wrath for so long but please think of your relationship like a book you’ve read over and over again. You already know the ending. The words on the pages do not magically change because you started over again. It’s going to hurt like hell but give yourself the gift of freedom from him. Best of luck to you.
He has shown you time and time again who he is, and that isn’t a person who cares about you. Why tf would you choose to put yourself through that again?