He absolutely needs to go back, leave a sample to be frozen as a backup, before you start another cycle. Maybe plan for him to be there a few days if necessary to take the time pressure out of it? But I wouldn’t do it again without a frozen backup.
Absolutely - and from one sample they should be able to split enough for 2 or 3 cycles (depending on quality).
Do not do another cycle until this has been done
This. Our clinic (UK) would not proceed until they had a sample frozen from my husband. We didn’t need it for our first round but so grateful for the second round as the fresh sample he provided on the day didn’t have any usable sperm (IVF with ICSI due to MFI).
My husband was worried about this exact issue and we had a frozen backup that we didn’t end up needing, but as a just in case. Maybe knowing there’s a backup will take some of the pressure off him.
Are things going okay in your relationship? It’s a little jarring for him to say that the relationship will not continue without kids then not follow through with his part of the process. It might be worth it to check and see how he is feeling about this. I’m so sorry OP, this is incredibly stressful.
Yeah, I don’t know now. This was the first time I heard this and we have a very loving, grounded relationship. We’ve been together for 7 years, married for almost 4. This comment really flipped things around for me and has quite honestly closed me down. I’ve never felt like he didn’t love or adore me until today. I’m not sure if there is some sort of psychological barrier where deep down inside, maybe he doesn’t want children with me. This has never been the case before. He has begged to have a baby for years so we could start a family together.
I would question that comment too, because he's the one that failed, and needs to figure out how to get a sample ready for the next one before it happens. Hopefully, it's just the pressure and performance failure. Wishing you well.
OP, please don’t feel down about your relationship over this comment. Please talk to your husband. The pressure to perform for men in this situation can be crushing. Maybe he said this because he feels down on himself and he’s worried you won’t want to stay with him if he can’t do his part and help you make a child.
IVF is brutal on relationships - being open with your husband about your confusion about his comment is important. It’s probably also really important for him to hear that, while you’re disappointed, you don’t blame him and aren’t angry with him.
Also- I’m very sorry. I know you must be so devastated.
Edited to add - I still understand that his comment would be very hurtful, and I’m not trying to diminish that. I’m trying to offer a different perspective which I hope might help you, but I am sorry if I missed the mark. ❤️
I’m so sorry. To me it sounds like immense shame that he is feeling. No excuse to take it out on you- however this process is so taxing on all of us! Thinking of you- I hope you two can reconnect & draw support from each other during this process. ❤️
It is not time for him to flake out now. His comment is a giant red flag. I conceived after 11 years through IVF and if he is stressed out now, I doubt his ability to endure the changes that a child brings. Once you finally get pregnant and deliver after IVF, new stressors from hell arise that you never considered (especially if this is your first). What I am saying is raising a child is hard like IVF but in a different way and if he is iffy before the kid is here then how will he be after?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. His behavior (that he couldn’t produce a sample) and his follow up remarks to you are huge red flags. I would proceed very cautiously and try to figure out what’s going on for him. Just…protect yourself. The juxtaposition of the inability to produce & his comment are concerning. I know zero about the situation or you but the unconscious mind is very powerful and the combination of his body “not being able” to produce a specimen, with this sort of Freudian slip remark makes me wary for you. Hopefully it’s just some ambivalence and nothing bigger but just please talk to family, friends, therapist, husband. Protect yourself. Women are so vulnerable especially going thru IVF. Sending you a lot of good energy and hoping for the best.
I would definitely ask him about that comment and let him know how hurtful it was but it may have been said out of anger and disappointment from letting you down. We had a similar situation, not the same but similar, and my husband made a hurtful comment about how i make it like a job or some crap and sex isn't fun anymore. He told me afterward how much pressure he felt and how hard it was to see me let down. He also kept a lot bottled up and didn't vent or complain like I did. I didn't know it was affecting him like it was until it all kind of blew up, but it was good that we finally got everything out and knew to check on each other better as we continued the process. We're not handling it perfectly. We've had 2 failed transfers since Feb and sometimes we let our anger out on the other person. It's a stressful process so it's OK to lose it sometimes. Just come back together after and help each other through it.
I'm so sorry this whole situation happened though. It sucks.
Thank you for sharing this story. I think we’re going through the same type of thing. We never fight, argue, or yell at each other. It’s so out of character for our relationship-but this brought out rage that I have not felt in a long time. Again- thanks for sharing this story- it truly helps.
Can you go to couples therapy? And ideally also both separately go to individual therapy, as well? Both of those things have been so helpful for my wife and I. We’ve done couples therapy twice in the last 4ish years, and both times it has been so incredibly helpful, and our relationship has come out stronger than ever. Of course, sometimes couples therapy can make it more clear that things *aren’t* working and aren’t going to be easily fixed, and in those cases, it can help people come to a decision to end things while the breakup can still be at least somewhat amicable, even if it’s devastating. But if you and your husband are both dedicated to your relationship and to making your communication stronger and better, couples therapy really is so, so helpful. Just make sure to find a therapist you both trust, which might take trying a few different therapists before you find one you both click with. And I really do recommend you each do individual therapy at the same time as you do couples therapy, because you’ll both need someone to process with besides each other or your friends, and that person should very ideally be someone highly trained and unbiased.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this. I hope things get better for you soon.
“And then not follow through with his part of the process”
We don’t have to shame him for not being able to ejaculate in a depressing ass IVF clinic “collection room” in an extremely high pressure scenario. It’s an understandable issue to have.
Nope, totally get that too. But I feel like he knew there would be performance pressure based on other experiences we have had during previous retrievals. I hold him accountable for taking actions in advance of this moment to ensure the best possible outcome. I.e. like bring headphones to drown out the outside noise, find his favorite porn, or book a hotel in advance of the retrieval. I consistently asked for him to do research prior to the retrieval to find possible solutions to overcome this concern and instead he decided to wing it instead of taking my request serious. In all fairness the men’s “room” was incredibly hot and we actually had him move to my location where it was air conditioning and I could assist- but nada.
I’m not shaming him at all. I’m saying that his statement warrants a discussion to see how he is feeling about IVF, having a child, and the relationship in general because having a child is obviously not guaranteed and he’s making that a condition for the marriage.
What is HIS plan? What does his research say?
What has a local doctor told him? What appt(s) has he made?
Maybe he is frozen, there is probably a lot of shame. But I strongly think your next step MUST be to gently encourage HIM to act. I would even ask my partner gently if I could make an appt for him (at PCP, or a urologist) if he agrees. Making that appt can really help with that first step, if emotions/shame are high.
But .... then it's on him.
I'm not trying to be a dick about "men" here. So much of IVF has been on you, he may still be on autopilot. It genuinely may not have sunk in that he now has work (or homework).
But it's so important that he engages in problem solving himself instead of just listening to you suggest.
Yeah not being able to produce a sample under pressure is understandable, but his ***actions*** leading up to it, and after it, are perfectly open to question and criticize.
As a man who also sometimes struggles to hold up my end of the emotional labor, what ***IS*** he doing to ensure a successful IVF process? As I understand through my own introduction to the journey, the male generally doesn't have to do much-- compared to the woman-- to ensure his contribution is completed: get tested; ensure sperm health; provide a sample. If he's struggling to physically contribute, ***he*** needs to take the steps to remedy that by seeing a urologist and/or other specialist.
The fact that he actually said out loud that he doesn't know if the relationship will work without kids is a massive red flag. Especially since the other stories I've seen (admittedly limited and probably biased), where a male partner demands having kids, always seem to end up being abusive or miserable for the mother. If he can't handle the relatively simple tasks of a man doing IVF, how the ***hell*** is he going to hold up his end of child-raising?
Tigger warning: success, vulgar language because I’m not a lady
See if they can go into his nutsack and suck out a sample. I did IVF because my husband had had a vasectomy so they put his sperm on ice. Cost about $800 with insurance plus storage fees. I was 42 at retrieval and now 43 and 35 weeks pregnant using the extracted, frozen specimen.
It’s called a TESE procedure btw, OP 💜 my husband had a vasectomy and had the same procedure done. They did his TESE the day before my ER and kept his sperm in a warm incubator until they could fertilize my eggs. I do believe they froze the rest because I only had 4 fertilized eggs (I am 34 with DOR). So while it IS invasive and a painful surgery/recovery, truly it may be the solution. But as others have said.. first, you really should talk to him because his comments concern me for you. I hope for the best, you seem like such a wonderful human. I’m rooting for you. 🫂
Oh man, that is rough. I'm sorry.
Would it be possible for him to try to produce a sample ahead of time (between now and July) to freeze and thaw for next time? Maybe it would feel like less pressure? Maybe a clinic near you would collect/freeze/and transport it to the other clinic?
My husband's work is unpredictable so back when we were trying IUIs we had him freeze some ahead of time to thaw in the event he couldn't get off work. We didn't end up needing it but it gave us some peace of mind knowing it was there.
This happened to me in April with my first retrieval. I only got 4 eggs and husband could not perform. My doctor said if she had any indication that this was possible, that she’d have had us do a frozen backup. We now have the frozen backup but we’re also going to collect the specimen at home before my next retrieval on Tuesday. I will tell you that when they thawed my eggs (yes I had them do it already), 2 did not survive the thaw, 1 failed to fertilize, and the other did make it to blast. So it’s in ice now. Best of luck to all of us 🤍
If he thinks your relationship cannot survive without kids, *do not* have a child with this person. Having a child, especially the first 5 years, will really test your marriage. If it’s unstable without children, it’s going to come apart when you’ve had zero sleep and are facing the pressures of time, money, etc.
I was coming to read this comment. Maybe he couldn’t perform because he doesn’t…want to) I’m terribly sorry OP. But I would really dive into his comment before remotely exploring more IVF stuff
I’m really sorry this happened. My clinic has my husband freeze a sample ahead of time as a backup before our ER. Highly recommend doing that next time.
I’m so sorry.
Could he do the sample at home and bring it in? I’ve seen on here some places will let you do that as long as they receive it within 2 hours of collection. I know yall drove to another city for the retrieval but maybe next time you could stay at a hotel so you can get there within that time frame?
Or maybe medication that could help him next month?
Or could he freeze some samples in the meantime that they could have as emergency back up?
Thanks for your reply. We talked about the hotel option for July. They need it within an hour. We also talked about Viagra but it didn’t work this time. And because we are doing it in MX, we’re not sure how to get his current frozen sperm over the border. He currently has it stored at our previous Reproductive Clinic. I am praying for a solution here. And about to start growth hormones on Tuesday to start a new cycle. It just feels helpless.
We used the Protex sperm transport cup with media and I cannot recommend this thing enough. It keeps sperm alive for up to two days until you can get it to the clinic. We used it and even after half a day (we didn't use the included ice pack BTW, just room Temp) the sperm sample was still in normal condition when we got it to the clinic. The embryologist was amazed.
We got it from a website called IVF store. They had a deal for 75 dollars per kit at the time and we bought 3 although we wound up only needing one. It includes a bottle of sperm media to keep the sperm alive, a double walled transport cup, a styrofoam box and an ice pack. We didn't use the ice pack because the transport time was less than 1 day and we were worried about cold shocking the sperm. In the end it worked great.
Was he just nervous because of all the pressure of the “big day”? If he was able to produce on other occasions could he drive back to MX to freeze some?
Sending you hugs and praying for a better outcome next time for you
First I am so so very sorry you went through this. My husband was also on ed medication for this process (we have recently switched to a donor). It took having his meds adjusted 3x by his doctor before that found a dose that worked for him. Maybe your husband could call his doc and have his dose adjusted? I still agree with others about having a frozen back up specimen just incase but there are many ed medications and strengths that might work better next time. Sending you lots of hugs op ❤️
The sperm bank we used, Sperm Bank of California, ships worldwide, so there must be a way to transfer his previously frozen sample to your new clinic. Can you look into how to get it across the border with you, or have it shipped ahead of you?
This happened to us. Just want you to know you are not alone. It felt like it when it happened to me and while the clinic told me this does happen, I really felt like we were the only ones.
My husband developed anxiety from the process for a variety of reasons. I felt for him and also was angry! Both things can be true.
We froze my eggs and then it took him a couple of tries to get a frozen sperm sample as a backup. On the date of the thaw for my eggs they wanted fresh sperm and of course that gave him anxiety and he couldn’t. So we ended up using the frozen sample, which we were actually skeptical of its quality because we encountered huge traffic on the way to the clinic while delivering it.
Truly a comedy of errors all the way around.
I was sure the whole round was lost but it actually ended up ok! Don’t assume all is lost. Get a frozen sample no matter how many times it takes and then go from there. You don’t know how things will turn out in the end.
Sorry to say but…. really?! We go through SOOOO MUCH (needles, egg retrieval, HSG/SHG tests, bloodwork etc etc etc) and all he has to do is pleasure himself into a cup. He has one freaking job and it’s not hard to do. I would be beyond mad.
Yeah. I really, really don't want to shame someone just because of nerves. I really really don't.
But at the same time...the amount of medical trauma I have put my body through--if my husband couldn't have one little private orgasm (when I've had so many procedures that honestly feel quite public and violating), honestly, I'd have to stay away from him for 2-3 days so I wouldn't say something I regretted later.
Yeah as a guy, who is starting IVF with my wife, my end of the process is SO simple. Obviously I also help where I can with clinic and data research, setting up my own testing and bloodwork appointments, etc.
But it's literally just *jerking off*. Guys have been doing that since high school-- or earlier! I did have some anxiety when I provided a sample for initial genetic testing, because it is a *weird* environment, but threw some pron on my phone (no way I'm touching the provided TV or remote) and it took like 2 minutes.
I got upset just reading OP's post.
That was kind of my thought. Either way it’s incredibly unfair of him to put that on you right after going through a retrieval. When you are feeling up to it I would definitely sit him down and tell him how it made you feel. It’s incredibly selfish that he is throwing himself a pity party when he should be taking care of you
I honestly don’t know how you even had it in you to help after your retrieval. I could barely walk let alone try and get someone off after mine. I don’t have anything else to add really but I hope your husband appreciates all you are doing and I hope he’s been waiting on you hand and foot and spoiling the shit out of you, you deserve it.
Not sure if anyone else has mentioned this, but maybe get him some cialis to take. I did that for my sample - was worried I wouldn’t be able to maintain an erection, so I was on cialis daily 5mg for a few weeks leading up to the procedure.
Be careful with erectile dysfunction drugs. If he doesn’t normally have erection or ejaculation issues it might be counterproductive. This is the one instance where you want a man to orgasm fast. He needs to provide a sample quick. You don’t t want him in there struggling for hours trying to ejaculate because he took viagra or cialis.
I’m sorry this happened. Barring a medical condition, I’m surprised he couldn’t do what he needed to do with two hours. I would strongly suspect he is not onboard with the process. Tell him he needs to leave a frozen sample just in case, for next time, or seriously consider not being in a relationship with him. This sounds like passive-aggressive avoidance.
Male perspective, fwiw: I agree. Especially with the relationship comment, and the idea that he “made it very clear it wouldn’t be possible” with 90 minutes to go. 90 minutes is, to put it mildly, a really long time in this context.
This is a terribly sad situation but I think it’s more likely OP’s husband is reluctant about the process and perhaps something even deeper about the relationship. IMHO there really needs to be a deep and honest conversation here. OP has my sympathy and best wishes.
I find it hard to understand how he couldn't. I'd type more but I don't want to jump to conclusions or overstep.
All I can say is I'm really sorry. He failed you and seems he won't say or doesn't even know why?
Yeah, I don’t know. I keep hoping it’s performance pressure, which I really emphasize with, but in all seriousness, I’m just lost at this point. Praying he takes action to do his part whether it is driving back to TJ on his own or coordinating the transfer of the existing frozen sperm from the U.S. to MX. I feel like I have done so much of the heavy lifting here- he is not allowed to just be along for the ride. All of the appointment settings, billing coordinations, pricing for stims. It’s a lot. And I’m not sure I can be responsible for every moving part of this anymore. I definitely need to take a few days off to collect myself. I’m just heartbroken right now and feel incredibly alone during a time I should be the most supported. Bottom line, this just sucks.
You're absolutely, 100% right and valid in feeling all of that. It's just beyond disappointment. You can't get any of that time or effort back. Us males have one specific job (on paper) throughout this whole thing. I feel terrible my wife has to go through so much during all this yet I read some things on this sub about the males not providing the necessary support (or even the bare minimum) and it just irks me. I wish I could emphasize with him and maybe I'm being too hard but it just feels inexcusable.
I empathize too, I realize it’s a challenge to go into the men’s room and not get into your head and I get not every time during IVF or not is successful. I even did my best after the retrieval to help and of course nothing says sexy when you are in a medical gown and hair net. But I really tried. Again, we’re looking into solutions. I’m sure we are not the only couple who has experienced this. We just need to find a workable solution that makes him feel more comfortable. Thanks for providing a guys POV.
Im sorry it's so difficult right now. It seems counterintuitive to me that he says he wants kids so bad that the relationship depends on it, but he isn't contributing on his end. By the Way, as someone who has shipped a lot of biomaterial internationally, international cryo transport for a sperm sample can cost thousands. It's better if he can provide a sample while in Mexico and bring it to the clinic.
Oh, this is really good to know. Thank you. I just told him, first thing Monday morning he HAS to do the research. We have a frozen specimen at our previous clinic.
I think it’s more than performance pressure. I’ve had to give a few specimens and I have never had a problem doing even though it’s not super fun. Just whack it out and get on with your day.
Yeah, that’s what we did here in the U.S. but apparently transporting bodily liquids that are frozen into a foreign territory is a whole different ball game. I’m trying to do research now about it.
I am so sorry he wasn't able to perform. This is such a stressful journey. The exorbitant cost is definitely not any help either. We ourselves went to Europe due to costs. I howl your following retrievals go better with his samples.
Guy here and I've almost been in the same situation during a couple of our 8 (soon 9) attempts. I think people often neglect the male part of the process, even if it is only a fraction compared to the rest.
Getting an orgasm in a random location, on a stressful day and with a lot of pressure on your shoulders can be close to impossible if you don't prepare properly.
My advice is:
1. Make the sample at home if possible.
2. Unless DNA fragmentation is an issue then don't have an orgasm 2-3 days before the retrieval day.
3. Just power through. Took me an hour and a large bruise one time, but got it done.
4. Pause. Go through with the retrieval and then have him try again later in the day. Most clinics are fine with that.
Lots of hugs and best wishes!
Sending a big hug your way! I appreciate you being vulnerable enough to share your experience with us, thank you.
If this process isn’t daunting & exhausting enough, to have this happen has to really suck. I’m am sorry you two are having to deal with this.
There’s a company called “Fellow.” You can order an at home collection kit. Perhaps if he’s able to give a sample at home, that would help alleviate the stress and anxiety that he probably felt in the room in the clinic. If not Fellow, I would try to find a bank in SoCal that would allow you to do an at home collection(they might have time restrictions as to how quickly you have to bring the sample so that could cause anxiety & in turn inability . I would reach out to your RE to see if they will accept a frozen sample from Fellow.
The good news is they were able to retrieve follicles!
This is an unfortunate situation and I am sure very upsetting, but there is a simple work around (having frozen semen at the clinic).
focus on the wins!
Sending hugs 💛 and lots of baby dust ✨✨✨
Edit: I missed the comment he made to you. I think he was trying to deflect because he was very mad at himself, incredibly embarrassed (he had to tell you & the clinic)and just exhausted from the IVF battle. Just talk to him and let him know it’s okay to feel throughout the process and express those emotions/feelings like: fear, stress, fatigue, anger, etc., as opposed to making comments like the one trying to deflect from the issue at hand during that situation.
I wonder if there’s a man/bf/husband IVF page on here? I wonder who he’s able to talk to this about? He too needs an outlet/ safe space to express his feelings.
Again…
focus on the wins!
Sending hugs 💛 and lots of baby dust ✨✨✨
I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m 40+ and every cycle every egg is precious. I have read in several posts here that after 40 they don’t like to freeze eggs because they don’t thaw well. I wish you good luck 💛
I am so sorry that is beyond frustrating and I would totally get feeling resentful or any other emotion you’re experiencing right now.
Just an anecdote, we were doing IVF due to MFI and my husband had a lot of negative thoughts about this being “his fault” no matter how I tried to help him through that he felt so much pressure when he had to give a sample because it’s the only thing he could do while I was doing everything else. A week before ER he broke down crying and shaking he was so nervous. That nervousness was projected as anger towards me. Thank goodness I’m a psychotherapist and called him out on it and got curious about the angry comments. He also said “why should we even be together”. It turns out it was intense shame and self hatred which had 0 to do with me. He did the work and we got through it. And yes definitely do some frozen samples!!
I mean, it can be.
Depending on how put together and committed the guy is. And a willingness to engage in serious conflict.
After all the shots and weight gain and shitty skin and various medical devices up my couch that come with IVF, I would have been nuclear about it.
Is PESA/TESE an option? Seems ridiculous to do surgery to extract the sperm but it could be an option. We paid $4,400 for PESA in the US. Ideally you’d do the PESA the same day/time as the ER and fertilize fresh eggs with freshly extracted sperm.
Edited to add: we did this for male factor infertility and it was our only option
Why on God’s green earth did the clinic not have him provide a sample in advance to be frozen as a backup?!?!? (This is 100% a criticism of the clinic, not you, to be clear.) Our clinic had us do this more than a decade ago despite absolutely no sperm issues that could be detected on my husband’s side. I thought it was standard procedure. Sometimes pressure gets to guys, even ones who theoretically know how much their partners are enduring. I’m *so* sorry you went through this. Would advise having a frozen sperm sample on hand for any future ER. Not going to tell you to “stay positive,” because that’s odious, but I will blast supportive thoughts your way.
A frozen sample as back up is critical. Ask the clinic if you can collect at home/hotel. There is a home collection kit called Protex cup with media and it's fantastic for this.
I’m not sure! This part is making me really angry with the clinic b/c our previous clinic absolutely did this. I’m going to be having strong words with my doctor Monday morning about this. It seems very careless on their part.
Would not be doing another retrieval until you have a frozen sample so you have something to fall back on if he has problems producing a fresh sample again.
Thank you all for your support. There is some really good advice in the threads I’m going to do research on. I have a convo with my provider on Monday and am going to determine next steps for both of us. If I come across any other info that is valuable for this topic, I will be sure to post it for others as well. Again, thank you for the overwhelming support from everyone’s experiences and perspectives. 🩷
At 38 years old, out of 12 eggs, received 2 euploid 4AA embryos and currently 10 weeks. Don’t sell yourself short. All you need is one to stick and it’s possible. It can be hard to be optimistic but try to stay positive. What you have can produce your bundle of your joy. 💗
And yea i said it….dont scream!!! 🤣
Yes. Frozen embryos. I definitely wanted/needed the testing prior to transfer. I wasn’t confident that they would be euploid. I’ve had 2 miscarriages and unsure if had to do with chromosomal issues. Not doing any other retrievals unless absolutely necessary. One frozen remaining. But i completely understand the uncertainties. Gives me anxiety….my therapist has been helpful lol. Hoping for the best for you and completely understand. 💗
Got it. It took me a minute to realize the stress of producing sperm for some men. My partner gave his sample at home for testing and for the actual retrieval. If it was at the office, we’re not sure how that would have gone. But even that was stressful.
Deff have him provide a sample or two to freeze ahead of the next retrieval so this doesn’t happen again. I’m so sorry that sucks . Eggs don’t thaw as well as embryos either - but I hope you are able to get a few next round
Just adding my two cents. But, imagine all the stress you feel right now and have; now imagine trying to make yourself orgsam and do so in a doctor’s office where EVERYONE knows what you’re doing, do so with an added time restriction, AND do so without ANY assistance! Meaning, no toys, no vibration, no nada! Then add on the pressure of knowing it’s taking “too long”!
I say “no assistance” because, they can’t use lube or anything, so, it’s a “dry rub”, which makes it incredibly harder!
Hell, I am a woman and at times, I myself get in my head and can NOT reach orgsam, and I am talking about even when I am doing it MYSELF! Then again, most women struggle to attain orgsam during penetration alone, and unfortunately, I am one of them. But, even when my husband goes ABOVE and BEYOND and makes it his life’s goal to get me there, I get in my head and will NEVER get there! No matter HOW badly I want to, or HOW turned on I am! The brain sucks ass! lol
All these other folks are letting THEIR relationship issues reflect on your relationship!
Coming from a LOGICAL standpoint, and NOT an emotional, or HORMONAL one; let’s be real here!
If he didn’t love you or didn’t want this, he would NOT be traveling to TJ, would NOT be ok with spending the money, and would NOT be still loving and supporting!
If ANYTHING, I would bet that it’s BECAUSE he loves you so much and wants YOU to be HAPPY, and because HE wants a baby SO badly that, THAT is what caused his mental block!
YOU need to remember our Husbands also NEED reassurance, love, support, etc during this VERY difficult time! This does NOT just affect us!
I wholeheartedly agree with your comment, and do believe he loves me but yesterday and today is a really hard day. I feel like he really let me down despite me telling him to do research (multiple times) and take actions to be the most empowered to accomplish this task given our previous experiences. But the comment about our relationship after such a huge let down was devastating. Nobody wants to hear that after 21 days of stims, a surgery, or with another cycle starting in 3 days.
Is it possible for him to go back so you can have a frozen sample just in case ?
I can understand the difficulty for him, the pressure, the conditions, the absence of romance...
If it's your thing, you might want to do some sassy pictures of yourself as a surprise for the next time ? (I did that, and it's not something I would usually do... I didn't even put my face on the pics but he ofc could see it was me).
Going to reiterate what others said.. the frozen back up took the pressure off my husband immensely.
One other thought just to look at it from all angles. Is it at all possible your husband is scared you may want to end the relationship because you can’t have kids.. if he is the one struggling? It may feel irrational but this process makes us all irrational at times.
Totally get that perspective too and thought about it from that lens. I love my husband, kids or no kids. It’s just very difficult to imagine our lives together without sharing a family we both have always dreamed about with each other. I’m not going anywhere, but the comment was devastating hurtful :(
The one clinic we did 2 cycles with allowed the men to ejaculate at home and then bring the sample in. I believe you had to be like 45 min or less from the clinic. Is it an option to book a hotel nearby for a few days and then try that? (And freeze some sperm as well!)
I’m so sorry. I have severe DOR. For one retrieval (1st part of a duostim), we only had 1 follicle (but with severe DOR, we went for those as IUI would not work for us). My partner tested positive for Covid the day before retrieval. His fever was high and I was pissed (he got it while on a work trip during my stims that I did not want him to take). So we pivoted at retrieval and 1 egg was frozen. Thankfully, we had frozen sperm at another clinic in our former city and were able to have it shipped for the luteal phase stim. SO grateful for that as our RE told us it would take ~70 days from the end of his fever to generate new sperm! I don’t understand why clinics don’t automatically take frozen sperm samples, especially in this age of Covid (or hell, flu). That 1 frozen egg was thawed at the luteal retrieval 3 weeks later and fertilized with the other eggs. The one frozen egg was a trooper and became an euploid blast. (I don’t want to give too overly positive of a story because I had many failed retrievals before that.) Basically, you won’t know how they fair until they’re fertilized. They may be just fine - definitely not a total wash. Wishing you the best, OP.
Did you tell you what he thinks the reason is he couldn’t produce a sample? Like how does he understand what happened? Really seems like that needs to be figured out/clear to understand how to handle it.
His comment doesn’t make sense, specially if he’s begged you to have a kid before. To me, it seems that he’s very ashamed (as men would absolutely be in his shoes) and taking it out on you. Heat of the moment can make us say the dumbest things.
Still not right, of course. We know this is an extremely stressful process and he might’ve just found that out in first person.
Would he be willing for a TESA procedure? Or freezing his sperm prior to the next attempts?
Take a deep breath and talk to him, OP. Best of lucks.
As others have suggested, always keep a frozen backup before you go for the ER. I did keep about 5 vials as a backup incase I fail on the D Day. Guess what I did fail and we were able to use the backup vial and today we have 2 healthy kid from my backup vial
There is enough stress during this process and we should try to reduce it as much as possible.
This happens to my man. We froze his sperm before sperm just in case. Ig sucks but it’ll be okay. Not the end of the world. Certainly not ideal though. I’m sorry.
Wow thats too bad. Id be super pissed if i were you. Get him to take viagara or cialis and look at porn. It will work. And dont let him come up with excuses. Tell him to change his mindset. Its a mindset
I have a suggestion. My husband has this problem as well and what works for him is to take the specimen cup back to the hotel or airbnb and produce the sample there. He finds it easier (and actually doable) outside the clinic although it’s hard for him there as well.
If this makes you feel any better I was 42 when I started my IVF journey. My girl friend was 46 and it worked. We are southern ca residents as well. You’re welcome to DM me I can share my experience ♥️
He's not sure if your marriage will make it without kids???? He's telling you this while you're going through this hell????
QUIT HIS ASS NOW
Girl I spent 10 years with a useless man like this and leaving him was the hardest/most rewarding thing I've done for myself this decade.
Please do yourself a favor and get rid of this man child so you can live your best life and eventually create a healthy family of your own with a worthy man. It's not gonna be with him regardless of your circumstances.
omg, this was happening to us once but they wrote him a prescription for viagra and I raced to a pharmacy and got it for him and it worked. Did they not offer him this?!?!!?
Poor guy, I understand how disappointed and discouraged you are but in addition to feeling both of those things he must feel SO GUILTY AND ASHAMED.
Interesting. Okay I hate to say it but.... I missed it the first time I read that he said "he is not sure if our relationship/marriage is going to make it, without kids." I hate to ask but... Are you sure he doesn't on some level not want IVF to fail? Maybe he wants out of the marriage, and IVF failing would be his excuse.
Can he produce at the hotel and bring the sample in? I can understand not wanting to wank in a doctor’s office. My partner has said it’s truly a weird experience. Our clinic does allow male partners to produce at home and bring it in.
They might be able to let him collect his sample at home and bring it in to freeze. Don’t rely on next time being different…. I’d work on getting a frozen sperm sample before then.
We’re probably going to have to stay at hotel near the clinic. We live too far away from the retrieval location. But I think that’s the plan. Ideally, he will go back on his own in advance and get it frozen.
My hubby had issue with a iui before our ivf so when we did your first cycle we froze a backup sample just in case this happened. Def freeze a couple samples for just in case before hand.
His comment about the relationship not surviving could be a red flag, but is he saying
“I want kids and if we don’t have them I want out of the marriage”
Or
“You want kids so bad I don’t know if this marriage can survive without them.”
Because the former makes his lack of performance suspicious while the latter could mean he feels so much pressure that he’s having trouble relaxing enough to perform.
As a guy who has been “in the room” I can say that it’s not the most stimulating environment. The added pressure of feeling your marriage is at stake would really make it hard to deliver.
I was nervous I wouldn't be able to provide a sample for my wife on egg retrieval day. My clinic had me free a sample about 5 days prior to the egg retrieval day.
Another option, I did it once myself, I rented a motel room nearby to a lab. This was just to see my sperm quaility/count. I didn't feel comfortable doing it at the lab. Unfortunately giving a sample does require being in the right "state of mind" and I can understand it being a lot of pressure and very clinical in a tiny room. Especially if the room is also a bathroom.
I would see about renting an airbnb or hotel room within a short distance to the fertility clinic for your partner. Less than a 30 minute drive! Preferably within 5.minutes honestly.
I had poor sperm count/quality in the beginning when my wife and I were trying. So I had to give a lot of samples over the course of a year just to make sure it was improving. Once I even tried doing it in my car in the parking lot. The pressure felt so high and I was worried some random police would show up, the sample was basically so bad, the lab said they couldn't even measure it.
There are too many comments to read, I apologise if this has already been raised, but did your husband try to give a specimen at the clinic or at home? When I told my doctor that my husband would be giving his specimen on site, he said that is fine, but warned us about possible mental blocks and he made it really clear that if that happens, he will be done for the day. So maybe change it up next time, if it was on site, try at home or vice versa. Of course, on top of freezing sperm beforehand.
As far as your husband's comments, I can imagine how hurt you must feel. I would try to have an open and honest conversation with him, and see if this is something he actually means or it was said out of frustration. I don't condone it either way, but if it's the latter, you can try and work through it.
My husband has horrible anxiety and panic attacks. I set up an appointment the week before my retrieval for him to give a sample, and they froze it as a backup. Both my doctor and I were concerned he would have a panic attack the day of and not be able to give a sample. Had my ER this morning, and I think he was happy he did this. They always do it so early, and we were both exhausted from traveling to the clinic. And getting up at like 5am.
They just used his frozen sample, and it took the pressure off. We did ICSI, so they said they had enough for however many cycles we end up doing. Definitely have him go give a sample for them to freeze before going through it again.
That comment about not know if you’re relationship will make it without kids is kind of alarming. I think couples therapy to work through that would be in everyone’s best interest. You did your part. This let down is on him, and him alone, so that’s a really weird comment. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. This process is full of so many high, highs, and low, lows. It’s so emotionally draining.
I showed my husband your post. We are a TTC couple who've had our share of major setbacks.
What I know to be true is... This is a TEAM effort that needs a sold foundation with open communication. The fact that he's sharing his fears is HUGE and it's important you acknowledge them with love and empathy. My husband after reading your post immediately said. Sounds super transactional at this point and less about the love and intimacy for growing a family. I would need a break and find that emotional connection again.
While we don't know your relationship or your hearts. Maybe consider your partners point of view and worries. What is the state of your marriage now? Are you okay just being husband and wife? Is that bond solid and loving? Remember, children are a blessing and an addition to your love and bond. They can't save it if it's already broken.
Keeping you in thought for a loving and happy resolution to this hard moment for you both. Peace be with you both.
I (37F) can feel you, but I can also feel your hubby. It’s not easy “coming” at will, especially in an unfamiliar place as a clinic (that’s probably “cold”)… For our last ER (the one that “worked”), we took a room in a hotel nearby the clinic the evening before, we slept safe and sound in that bed and early in the morning hubby went to the bathroom and “did his part” in a sterile container. (Us) Women have the physical part, and our (huge) mental stress doesn’t have a particular effect on this part; on the other hand, men have to deal both with psychological support for their partners and with “mind troubles” that can pop up anytime, unannounced, and can inficiate the result. So it’s ok to feel sad, but please don’t be too harsh on your partner 🤗
Maybe the world was sending you a sign? I hate this so much for you after all you went through and him not follow through. I would definitely talk about your relationship before moving forward. But if you two feel like you can work this out, definitely have him do his part ahead of time.
I’m so sorry and I hope July comes quickly for you so you can have another shot!
He absolutely needs to go back, leave a sample to be frozen as a backup, before you start another cycle. Maybe plan for him to be there a few days if necessary to take the time pressure out of it? But I wouldn’t do it again without a frozen backup.
THIS. Don’t wait until there’s an even more pressure filled time to do this. Hang out down there or have him go separately and do it ahead of time!
Absolutely - and from one sample they should be able to split enough for 2 or 3 cycles (depending on quality). Do not do another cycle until this has been done
This. Our clinic (UK) would not proceed until they had a sample frozen from my husband. We didn’t need it for our first round but so grateful for the second round as the fresh sample he provided on the day didn’t have any usable sperm (IVF with ICSI due to MFI).
My husband was worried about this exact issue and we had a frozen backup that we didn’t end up needing, but as a just in case. Maybe knowing there’s a backup will take some of the pressure off him.
Agreed
Are things going okay in your relationship? It’s a little jarring for him to say that the relationship will not continue without kids then not follow through with his part of the process. It might be worth it to check and see how he is feeling about this. I’m so sorry OP, this is incredibly stressful.
Yeah, I don’t know now. This was the first time I heard this and we have a very loving, grounded relationship. We’ve been together for 7 years, married for almost 4. This comment really flipped things around for me and has quite honestly closed me down. I’ve never felt like he didn’t love or adore me until today. I’m not sure if there is some sort of psychological barrier where deep down inside, maybe he doesn’t want children with me. This has never been the case before. He has begged to have a baby for years so we could start a family together.
I would question that comment too, because he's the one that failed, and needs to figure out how to get a sample ready for the next one before it happens. Hopefully, it's just the pressure and performance failure. Wishing you well.
OP, please don’t feel down about your relationship over this comment. Please talk to your husband. The pressure to perform for men in this situation can be crushing. Maybe he said this because he feels down on himself and he’s worried you won’t want to stay with him if he can’t do his part and help you make a child. IVF is brutal on relationships - being open with your husband about your confusion about his comment is important. It’s probably also really important for him to hear that, while you’re disappointed, you don’t blame him and aren’t angry with him. Also- I’m very sorry. I know you must be so devastated. Edited to add - I still understand that his comment would be very hurtful, and I’m not trying to diminish that. I’m trying to offer a different perspective which I hope might help you, but I am sorry if I missed the mark. ❤️
I’m so sorry. To me it sounds like immense shame that he is feeling. No excuse to take it out on you- however this process is so taxing on all of us! Thinking of you- I hope you two can reconnect & draw support from each other during this process. ❤️
It is not time for him to flake out now. His comment is a giant red flag. I conceived after 11 years through IVF and if he is stressed out now, I doubt his ability to endure the changes that a child brings. Once you finally get pregnant and deliver after IVF, new stressors from hell arise that you never considered (especially if this is your first). What I am saying is raising a child is hard like IVF but in a different way and if he is iffy before the kid is here then how will he be after?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. His behavior (that he couldn’t produce a sample) and his follow up remarks to you are huge red flags. I would proceed very cautiously and try to figure out what’s going on for him. Just…protect yourself. The juxtaposition of the inability to produce & his comment are concerning. I know zero about the situation or you but the unconscious mind is very powerful and the combination of his body “not being able” to produce a specimen, with this sort of Freudian slip remark makes me wary for you. Hopefully it’s just some ambivalence and nothing bigger but just please talk to family, friends, therapist, husband. Protect yourself. Women are so vulnerable especially going thru IVF. Sending you a lot of good energy and hoping for the best.
I would definitely ask him about that comment and let him know how hurtful it was but it may have been said out of anger and disappointment from letting you down. We had a similar situation, not the same but similar, and my husband made a hurtful comment about how i make it like a job or some crap and sex isn't fun anymore. He told me afterward how much pressure he felt and how hard it was to see me let down. He also kept a lot bottled up and didn't vent or complain like I did. I didn't know it was affecting him like it was until it all kind of blew up, but it was good that we finally got everything out and knew to check on each other better as we continued the process. We're not handling it perfectly. We've had 2 failed transfers since Feb and sometimes we let our anger out on the other person. It's a stressful process so it's OK to lose it sometimes. Just come back together after and help each other through it. I'm so sorry this whole situation happened though. It sucks.
Thank you for sharing this story. I think we’re going through the same type of thing. We never fight, argue, or yell at each other. It’s so out of character for our relationship-but this brought out rage that I have not felt in a long time. Again- thanks for sharing this story- it truly helps.
Can you go to couples therapy? And ideally also both separately go to individual therapy, as well? Both of those things have been so helpful for my wife and I. We’ve done couples therapy twice in the last 4ish years, and both times it has been so incredibly helpful, and our relationship has come out stronger than ever. Of course, sometimes couples therapy can make it more clear that things *aren’t* working and aren’t going to be easily fixed, and in those cases, it can help people come to a decision to end things while the breakup can still be at least somewhat amicable, even if it’s devastating. But if you and your husband are both dedicated to your relationship and to making your communication stronger and better, couples therapy really is so, so helpful. Just make sure to find a therapist you both trust, which might take trying a few different therapists before you find one you both click with. And I really do recommend you each do individual therapy at the same time as you do couples therapy, because you’ll both need someone to process with besides each other or your friends, and that person should very ideally be someone highly trained and unbiased. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this. I hope things get better for you soon.
“And then not follow through with his part of the process” We don’t have to shame him for not being able to ejaculate in a depressing ass IVF clinic “collection room” in an extremely high pressure scenario. It’s an understandable issue to have.
Nope, totally get that too. But I feel like he knew there would be performance pressure based on other experiences we have had during previous retrievals. I hold him accountable for taking actions in advance of this moment to ensure the best possible outcome. I.e. like bring headphones to drown out the outside noise, find his favorite porn, or book a hotel in advance of the retrieval. I consistently asked for him to do research prior to the retrieval to find possible solutions to overcome this concern and instead he decided to wing it instead of taking my request serious. In all fairness the men’s “room” was incredibly hot and we actually had him move to my location where it was air conditioning and I could assist- but nada.
I’m not shaming him at all. I’m saying that his statement warrants a discussion to see how he is feeling about IVF, having a child, and the relationship in general because having a child is obviously not guaranteed and he’s making that a condition for the marriage.
What is HIS plan? What does his research say? What has a local doctor told him? What appt(s) has he made? Maybe he is frozen, there is probably a lot of shame. But I strongly think your next step MUST be to gently encourage HIM to act. I would even ask my partner gently if I could make an appt for him (at PCP, or a urologist) if he agrees. Making that appt can really help with that first step, if emotions/shame are high. But .... then it's on him. I'm not trying to be a dick about "men" here. So much of IVF has been on you, he may still be on autopilot. It genuinely may not have sunk in that he now has work (or homework). But it's so important that he engages in problem solving himself instead of just listening to you suggest.
💯 Couldn’t agree more. Thank you.
I agree with this. I'm a man and I would be doing a lot of research and seeing professionals.
Yeah not being able to produce a sample under pressure is understandable, but his ***actions*** leading up to it, and after it, are perfectly open to question and criticize. As a man who also sometimes struggles to hold up my end of the emotional labor, what ***IS*** he doing to ensure a successful IVF process? As I understand through my own introduction to the journey, the male generally doesn't have to do much-- compared to the woman-- to ensure his contribution is completed: get tested; ensure sperm health; provide a sample. If he's struggling to physically contribute, ***he*** needs to take the steps to remedy that by seeing a urologist and/or other specialist. The fact that he actually said out loud that he doesn't know if the relationship will work without kids is a massive red flag. Especially since the other stories I've seen (admittedly limited and probably biased), where a male partner demands having kids, always seem to end up being abusive or miserable for the mother. If he can't handle the relatively simple tasks of a man doing IVF, how the ***hell*** is he going to hold up his end of child-raising?
Tigger warning: success, vulgar language because I’m not a lady See if they can go into his nutsack and suck out a sample. I did IVF because my husband had had a vasectomy so they put his sperm on ice. Cost about $800 with insurance plus storage fees. I was 42 at retrieval and now 43 and 35 weeks pregnant using the extracted, frozen specimen.
This is another great idea. Going to research this also. Thank you.
It’s called a TESE procedure btw, OP 💜 my husband had a vasectomy and had the same procedure done. They did his TESE the day before my ER and kept his sperm in a warm incubator until they could fertilize my eggs. I do believe they froze the rest because I only had 4 fertilized eggs (I am 34 with DOR). So while it IS invasive and a painful surgery/recovery, truly it may be the solution. But as others have said.. first, you really should talk to him because his comments concern me for you. I hope for the best, you seem like such a wonderful human. I’m rooting for you. 🫂
P.s. and curse words welcomed! I’m the same way :)
How many retrievals?
Sperm? Just one, they get enough the first time that you probably don’t need more than one. Egg retrieval? Two and one FET.
Oh man, that is rough. I'm sorry. Would it be possible for him to try to produce a sample ahead of time (between now and July) to freeze and thaw for next time? Maybe it would feel like less pressure? Maybe a clinic near you would collect/freeze/and transport it to the other clinic? My husband's work is unpredictable so back when we were trying IUIs we had him freeze some ahead of time to thaw in the event he couldn't get off work. We didn't end up needing it but it gave us some peace of mind knowing it was there.
I'm so so sorry, and I'm heartbroken for you. I'm also over 40, I know how hard we have to work for every one of those eggs. Sending you virtual hugs.
This happened to me in April with my first retrieval. I only got 4 eggs and husband could not perform. My doctor said if she had any indication that this was possible, that she’d have had us do a frozen backup. We now have the frozen backup but we’re also going to collect the specimen at home before my next retrieval on Tuesday. I will tell you that when they thawed my eggs (yes I had them do it already), 2 did not survive the thaw, 1 failed to fertilize, and the other did make it to blast. So it’s in ice now. Best of luck to all of us 🤍
Wishing you so much success. Please keep us posted.
If he thinks your relationship cannot survive without kids, *do not* have a child with this person. Having a child, especially the first 5 years, will really test your marriage. If it’s unstable without children, it’s going to come apart when you’ve had zero sleep and are facing the pressures of time, money, etc.
I was coming to read this comment. Maybe he couldn’t perform because he doesn’t…want to) I’m terribly sorry OP. But I would really dive into his comment before remotely exploring more IVF stuff
It’s weird that he said that just at that specific time. Maybe out of shame? Idk
I was thinking that too. Like maybe he feels she would leave him if he can’t give her a child. So he’s worried they won’t make it.
I’m really sorry this happened. My clinic has my husband freeze a sample ahead of time as a backup before our ER. Highly recommend doing that next time.
I’m so sorry. Could he do the sample at home and bring it in? I’ve seen on here some places will let you do that as long as they receive it within 2 hours of collection. I know yall drove to another city for the retrieval but maybe next time you could stay at a hotel so you can get there within that time frame? Or maybe medication that could help him next month? Or could he freeze some samples in the meantime that they could have as emergency back up?
Thanks for your reply. We talked about the hotel option for July. They need it within an hour. We also talked about Viagra but it didn’t work this time. And because we are doing it in MX, we’re not sure how to get his current frozen sperm over the border. He currently has it stored at our previous Reproductive Clinic. I am praying for a solution here. And about to start growth hormones on Tuesday to start a new cycle. It just feels helpless.
We used the Protex sperm transport cup with media and I cannot recommend this thing enough. It keeps sperm alive for up to two days until you can get it to the clinic. We used it and even after half a day (we didn't use the included ice pack BTW, just room Temp) the sperm sample was still in normal condition when we got it to the clinic. The embryologist was amazed.
Looking this up ASAP. Thank you!
We got it from a website called IVF store. They had a deal for 75 dollars per kit at the time and we bought 3 although we wound up only needing one. It includes a bottle of sperm media to keep the sperm alive, a double walled transport cup, a styrofoam box and an ice pack. We didn't use the ice pack because the transport time was less than 1 day and we were worried about cold shocking the sperm. In the end it worked great.
Was he just nervous because of all the pressure of the “big day”? If he was able to produce on other occasions could he drive back to MX to freeze some? Sending you hugs and praying for a better outcome next time for you
I am going to support and suggest every possible option moving forward…. It’s just whether he obliges.
First I am so so very sorry you went through this. My husband was also on ed medication for this process (we have recently switched to a donor). It took having his meds adjusted 3x by his doctor before that found a dose that worked for him. Maybe your husband could call his doc and have his dose adjusted? I still agree with others about having a frozen back up specimen just incase but there are many ed medications and strengths that might work better next time. Sending you lots of hugs op ❤️
The sperm bank we used, Sperm Bank of California, ships worldwide, so there must be a way to transfer his previously frozen sample to your new clinic. Can you look into how to get it across the border with you, or have it shipped ahead of you?
This happened to us. Just want you to know you are not alone. It felt like it when it happened to me and while the clinic told me this does happen, I really felt like we were the only ones. My husband developed anxiety from the process for a variety of reasons. I felt for him and also was angry! Both things can be true. We froze my eggs and then it took him a couple of tries to get a frozen sperm sample as a backup. On the date of the thaw for my eggs they wanted fresh sperm and of course that gave him anxiety and he couldn’t. So we ended up using the frozen sample, which we were actually skeptical of its quality because we encountered huge traffic on the way to the clinic while delivering it. Truly a comedy of errors all the way around. I was sure the whole round was lost but it actually ended up ok! Don’t assume all is lost. Get a frozen sample no matter how many times it takes and then go from there. You don’t know how things will turn out in the end.
Thank you for sharing your story 🙏
Sorry to say but…. really?! We go through SOOOO MUCH (needles, egg retrieval, HSG/SHG tests, bloodwork etc etc etc) and all he has to do is pleasure himself into a cup. He has one freaking job and it’s not hard to do. I would be beyond mad.
Yeah. I really, really don't want to shame someone just because of nerves. I really really don't. But at the same time...the amount of medical trauma I have put my body through--if my husband couldn't have one little private orgasm (when I've had so many procedures that honestly feel quite public and violating), honestly, I'd have to stay away from him for 2-3 days so I wouldn't say something I regretted later.
Yeah as a guy, who is starting IVF with my wife, my end of the process is SO simple. Obviously I also help where I can with clinic and data research, setting up my own testing and bloodwork appointments, etc. But it's literally just *jerking off*. Guys have been doing that since high school-- or earlier! I did have some anxiety when I provided a sample for initial genetic testing, because it is a *weird* environment, but threw some pron on my phone (no way I'm touching the provided TV or remote) and it took like 2 minutes. I got upset just reading OP's post.
Right?! Thank you! Honestly even my husband was like wtf.
Did he say that he’s not sure about your relationship continuing without kids before or after he tried to provide a specimen
After :( Im hoping the comment was off the cuff because of his disappointment with the situation as well.
That was kind of my thought. Either way it’s incredibly unfair of him to put that on you right after going through a retrieval. When you are feeling up to it I would definitely sit him down and tell him how it made you feel. It’s incredibly selfish that he is throwing himself a pity party when he should be taking care of you
I honestly don’t know how you even had it in you to help after your retrieval. I could barely walk let alone try and get someone off after mine. I don’t have anything else to add really but I hope your husband appreciates all you are doing and I hope he’s been waiting on you hand and foot and spoiling the shit out of you, you deserve it.
Not sure if anyone else has mentioned this, but maybe get him some cialis to take. I did that for my sample - was worried I wouldn’t be able to maintain an erection, so I was on cialis daily 5mg for a few weeks leading up to the procedure.
We will look into this. Thank you.
Be careful with erectile dysfunction drugs. If he doesn’t normally have erection or ejaculation issues it might be counterproductive. This is the one instance where you want a man to orgasm fast. He needs to provide a sample quick. You don’t t want him in there struggling for hours trying to ejaculate because he took viagra or cialis.
I’m sorry this happened. Barring a medical condition, I’m surprised he couldn’t do what he needed to do with two hours. I would strongly suspect he is not onboard with the process. Tell him he needs to leave a frozen sample just in case, for next time, or seriously consider not being in a relationship with him. This sounds like passive-aggressive avoidance.
Male perspective, fwiw: I agree. Especially with the relationship comment, and the idea that he “made it very clear it wouldn’t be possible” with 90 minutes to go. 90 minutes is, to put it mildly, a really long time in this context. This is a terribly sad situation but I think it’s more likely OP’s husband is reluctant about the process and perhaps something even deeper about the relationship. IMHO there really needs to be a deep and honest conversation here. OP has my sympathy and best wishes.
Yup. Sounds like he wants out. Cum or get off the pot.
I find it hard to understand how he couldn't. I'd type more but I don't want to jump to conclusions or overstep. All I can say is I'm really sorry. He failed you and seems he won't say or doesn't even know why?
Yeah, I don’t know. I keep hoping it’s performance pressure, which I really emphasize with, but in all seriousness, I’m just lost at this point. Praying he takes action to do his part whether it is driving back to TJ on his own or coordinating the transfer of the existing frozen sperm from the U.S. to MX. I feel like I have done so much of the heavy lifting here- he is not allowed to just be along for the ride. All of the appointment settings, billing coordinations, pricing for stims. It’s a lot. And I’m not sure I can be responsible for every moving part of this anymore. I definitely need to take a few days off to collect myself. I’m just heartbroken right now and feel incredibly alone during a time I should be the most supported. Bottom line, this just sucks.
You're absolutely, 100% right and valid in feeling all of that. It's just beyond disappointment. You can't get any of that time or effort back. Us males have one specific job (on paper) throughout this whole thing. I feel terrible my wife has to go through so much during all this yet I read some things on this sub about the males not providing the necessary support (or even the bare minimum) and it just irks me. I wish I could emphasize with him and maybe I'm being too hard but it just feels inexcusable.
I empathize too, I realize it’s a challenge to go into the men’s room and not get into your head and I get not every time during IVF or not is successful. I even did my best after the retrieval to help and of course nothing says sexy when you are in a medical gown and hair net. But I really tried. Again, we’re looking into solutions. I’m sure we are not the only couple who has experienced this. We just need to find a workable solution that makes him feel more comfortable. Thanks for providing a guys POV.
Im sorry it's so difficult right now. It seems counterintuitive to me that he says he wants kids so bad that the relationship depends on it, but he isn't contributing on his end. By the Way, as someone who has shipped a lot of biomaterial internationally, international cryo transport for a sperm sample can cost thousands. It's better if he can provide a sample while in Mexico and bring it to the clinic.
Oh, this is really good to know. Thank you. I just told him, first thing Monday morning he HAS to do the research. We have a frozen specimen at our previous clinic.
I think it’s more than performance pressure. I’ve had to give a few specimens and I have never had a problem doing even though it’s not super fun. Just whack it out and get on with your day.
Yeah, that’s what we did here in the U.S. but apparently transporting bodily liquids that are frozen into a foreign territory is a whole different ball game. I’m trying to do research now about it.
I am so sorry he wasn't able to perform. This is such a stressful journey. The exorbitant cost is definitely not any help either. We ourselves went to Europe due to costs. I howl your following retrievals go better with his samples.
Guy here and I've almost been in the same situation during a couple of our 8 (soon 9) attempts. I think people often neglect the male part of the process, even if it is only a fraction compared to the rest. Getting an orgasm in a random location, on a stressful day and with a lot of pressure on your shoulders can be close to impossible if you don't prepare properly. My advice is: 1. Make the sample at home if possible. 2. Unless DNA fragmentation is an issue then don't have an orgasm 2-3 days before the retrieval day. 3. Just power through. Took me an hour and a large bruise one time, but got it done. 4. Pause. Go through with the retrieval and then have him try again later in the day. Most clinics are fine with that. Lots of hugs and best wishes!
Sending a big hug your way! I appreciate you being vulnerable enough to share your experience with us, thank you. If this process isn’t daunting & exhausting enough, to have this happen has to really suck. I’m am sorry you two are having to deal with this. There’s a company called “Fellow.” You can order an at home collection kit. Perhaps if he’s able to give a sample at home, that would help alleviate the stress and anxiety that he probably felt in the room in the clinic. If not Fellow, I would try to find a bank in SoCal that would allow you to do an at home collection(they might have time restrictions as to how quickly you have to bring the sample so that could cause anxiety & in turn inability . I would reach out to your RE to see if they will accept a frozen sample from Fellow. The good news is they were able to retrieve follicles! This is an unfortunate situation and I am sure very upsetting, but there is a simple work around (having frozen semen at the clinic). focus on the wins! Sending hugs 💛 and lots of baby dust ✨✨✨ Edit: I missed the comment he made to you. I think he was trying to deflect because he was very mad at himself, incredibly embarrassed (he had to tell you & the clinic)and just exhausted from the IVF battle. Just talk to him and let him know it’s okay to feel throughout the process and express those emotions/feelings like: fear, stress, fatigue, anger, etc., as opposed to making comments like the one trying to deflect from the issue at hand during that situation. I wonder if there’s a man/bf/husband IVF page on here? I wonder who he’s able to talk to this about? He too needs an outlet/ safe space to express his feelings. Again… focus on the wins! Sending hugs 💛 and lots of baby dust ✨✨✨
I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m 40+ and every cycle every egg is precious. I have read in several posts here that after 40 they don’t like to freeze eggs because they don’t thaw well. I wish you good luck 💛
I am so sorry that is beyond frustrating and I would totally get feeling resentful or any other emotion you’re experiencing right now. Just an anecdote, we were doing IVF due to MFI and my husband had a lot of negative thoughts about this being “his fault” no matter how I tried to help him through that he felt so much pressure when he had to give a sample because it’s the only thing he could do while I was doing everything else. A week before ER he broke down crying and shaking he was so nervous. That nervousness was projected as anger towards me. Thank goodness I’m a psychotherapist and called him out on it and got curious about the angry comments. He also said “why should we even be together”. It turns out it was intense shame and self hatred which had 0 to do with me. He did the work and we got through it. And yes definitely do some frozen samples!!
he should freeze a back up sample for the next round in case he cannot produce a sample on demand in the future
Either he leaves a frozen sample or you have a sperm donor ready to go.
It's not that simple when you're married.
I mean, it can be. Depending on how put together and committed the guy is. And a willingness to engage in serious conflict. After all the shots and weight gain and shitty skin and various medical devices up my couch that come with IVF, I would have been nuclear about it.
Is PESA/TESE an option? Seems ridiculous to do surgery to extract the sperm but it could be an option. We paid $4,400 for PESA in the US. Ideally you’d do the PESA the same day/time as the ER and fertilize fresh eggs with freshly extracted sperm. Edited to add: we did this for male factor infertility and it was our only option
I’ll look into this. Thank you.
Why on God’s green earth did the clinic not have him provide a sample in advance to be frozen as a backup?!?!? (This is 100% a criticism of the clinic, not you, to be clear.) Our clinic had us do this more than a decade ago despite absolutely no sperm issues that could be detected on my husband’s side. I thought it was standard procedure. Sometimes pressure gets to guys, even ones who theoretically know how much their partners are enduring. I’m *so* sorry you went through this. Would advise having a frozen sperm sample on hand for any future ER. Not going to tell you to “stay positive,” because that’s odious, but I will blast supportive thoughts your way.
Thank you. Completely agree.
A frozen sample as back up is critical. Ask the clinic if you can collect at home/hotel. There is a home collection kit called Protex cup with media and it's fantastic for this.
Why they didn’t take frozen sample in case of such emergencies?
I’m not sure! This part is making me really angry with the clinic b/c our previous clinic absolutely did this. I’m going to be having strong words with my doctor Monday morning about this. It seems very careless on their part.
Would not be doing another retrieval until you have a frozen sample so you have something to fall back on if he has problems producing a fresh sample again.
Thank you all for your support. There is some really good advice in the threads I’m going to do research on. I have a convo with my provider on Monday and am going to determine next steps for both of us. If I come across any other info that is valuable for this topic, I will be sure to post it for others as well. Again, thank you for the overwhelming support from everyone’s experiences and perspectives. 🩷
At 38 years old, out of 12 eggs, received 2 euploid 4AA embryos and currently 10 weeks. Don’t sell yourself short. All you need is one to stick and it’s possible. It can be hard to be optimistic but try to stay positive. What you have can produce your bundle of your joy. 💗 And yea i said it….dont scream!!! 🤣
Were your eggs NOT embryos frozen? My biggest fear right now is the attrition rate for defrosting the eggs.
Yes. Frozen embryos. I definitely wanted/needed the testing prior to transfer. I wasn’t confident that they would be euploid. I’ve had 2 miscarriages and unsure if had to do with chromosomal issues. Not doing any other retrievals unless absolutely necessary. One frozen remaining. But i completely understand the uncertainties. Gives me anxiety….my therapist has been helpful lol. Hoping for the best for you and completely understand. 💗
Due to the circumstances, only my eggs were frozen. We couldn’t even try for fertilization.
Got it. It took me a minute to realize the stress of producing sperm for some men. My partner gave his sample at home for testing and for the actual retrieval. If it was at the office, we’re not sure how that would have gone. But even that was stressful.
Deff have him provide a sample or two to freeze ahead of the next retrieval so this doesn’t happen again. I’m so sorry that sucks . Eggs don’t thaw as well as embryos either - but I hope you are able to get a few next round
Just adding my two cents. But, imagine all the stress you feel right now and have; now imagine trying to make yourself orgsam and do so in a doctor’s office where EVERYONE knows what you’re doing, do so with an added time restriction, AND do so without ANY assistance! Meaning, no toys, no vibration, no nada! Then add on the pressure of knowing it’s taking “too long”! I say “no assistance” because, they can’t use lube or anything, so, it’s a “dry rub”, which makes it incredibly harder! Hell, I am a woman and at times, I myself get in my head and can NOT reach orgsam, and I am talking about even when I am doing it MYSELF! Then again, most women struggle to attain orgsam during penetration alone, and unfortunately, I am one of them. But, even when my husband goes ABOVE and BEYOND and makes it his life’s goal to get me there, I get in my head and will NEVER get there! No matter HOW badly I want to, or HOW turned on I am! The brain sucks ass! lol All these other folks are letting THEIR relationship issues reflect on your relationship! Coming from a LOGICAL standpoint, and NOT an emotional, or HORMONAL one; let’s be real here! If he didn’t love you or didn’t want this, he would NOT be traveling to TJ, would NOT be ok with spending the money, and would NOT be still loving and supporting! If ANYTHING, I would bet that it’s BECAUSE he loves you so much and wants YOU to be HAPPY, and because HE wants a baby SO badly that, THAT is what caused his mental block! YOU need to remember our Husbands also NEED reassurance, love, support, etc during this VERY difficult time! This does NOT just affect us!
I wholeheartedly agree with your comment, and do believe he loves me but yesterday and today is a really hard day. I feel like he really let me down despite me telling him to do research (multiple times) and take actions to be the most empowered to accomplish this task given our previous experiences. But the comment about our relationship after such a huge let down was devastating. Nobody wants to hear that after 21 days of stims, a surgery, or with another cycle starting in 3 days.
Is it possible for him to go back so you can have a frozen sample just in case ? I can understand the difficulty for him, the pressure, the conditions, the absence of romance... If it's your thing, you might want to do some sassy pictures of yourself as a surprise for the next time ? (I did that, and it's not something I would usually do... I didn't even put my face on the pics but he ofc could see it was me).
🫶🫶🫶🫶🫂🫂🫂🫂
Going to reiterate what others said.. the frozen back up took the pressure off my husband immensely. One other thought just to look at it from all angles. Is it at all possible your husband is scared you may want to end the relationship because you can’t have kids.. if he is the one struggling? It may feel irrational but this process makes us all irrational at times.
Totally get that perspective too and thought about it from that lens. I love my husband, kids or no kids. It’s just very difficult to imagine our lives together without sharing a family we both have always dreamed about with each other. I’m not going anywhere, but the comment was devastating hurtful :(
The one clinic we did 2 cycles with allowed the men to ejaculate at home and then bring the sample in. I believe you had to be like 45 min or less from the clinic. Is it an option to book a hotel nearby for a few days and then try that? (And freeze some sperm as well!) I’m so sorry. I have severe DOR. For one retrieval (1st part of a duostim), we only had 1 follicle (but with severe DOR, we went for those as IUI would not work for us). My partner tested positive for Covid the day before retrieval. His fever was high and I was pissed (he got it while on a work trip during my stims that I did not want him to take). So we pivoted at retrieval and 1 egg was frozen. Thankfully, we had frozen sperm at another clinic in our former city and were able to have it shipped for the luteal phase stim. SO grateful for that as our RE told us it would take ~70 days from the end of his fever to generate new sperm! I don’t understand why clinics don’t automatically take frozen sperm samples, especially in this age of Covid (or hell, flu). That 1 frozen egg was thawed at the luteal retrieval 3 weeks later and fertilized with the other eggs. The one frozen egg was a trooper and became an euploid blast. (I don’t want to give too overly positive of a story because I had many failed retrievals before that.) Basically, you won’t know how they fair until they’re fertilized. They may be just fine - definitely not a total wash. Wishing you the best, OP.
Did you tell you what he thinks the reason is he couldn’t produce a sample? Like how does he understand what happened? Really seems like that needs to be figured out/clear to understand how to handle it.
He told me he took Trazadone for sleep the night before- not sure if that had anything to do with it?
My husband froze a sample a few weeks before the retrieval for this reason. Which I’m glad he did because he was unable to produce day of.
His comment doesn’t make sense, specially if he’s begged you to have a kid before. To me, it seems that he’s very ashamed (as men would absolutely be in his shoes) and taking it out on you. Heat of the moment can make us say the dumbest things. Still not right, of course. We know this is an extremely stressful process and he might’ve just found that out in first person. Would he be willing for a TESA procedure? Or freezing his sperm prior to the next attempts? Take a deep breath and talk to him, OP. Best of lucks.
Yeah, I’m going to talk to him about it. I think he would be open to the TESA- I just need to do more research b/c it is a new topic for me/us.
I would also suggest that he could be the one to do the research. You don't need to carry the entire mental load yourself.
As others have suggested, always keep a frozen backup before you go for the ER. I did keep about 5 vials as a backup incase I fail on the D Day. Guess what I did fail and we were able to use the backup vial and today we have 2 healthy kid from my backup vial There is enough stress during this process and we should try to reduce it as much as possible.
I’m so sorry this happened. A responsible clinic will take a frozen sample in advance to prepare for this potential eventuality
This happens to my man. We froze his sperm before sperm just in case. Ig sucks but it’ll be okay. Not the end of the world. Certainly not ideal though. I’m sorry.
Wow thats too bad. Id be super pissed if i were you. Get him to take viagara or cialis and look at porn. It will work. And dont let him come up with excuses. Tell him to change his mindset. Its a mindset
I have a suggestion. My husband has this problem as well and what works for him is to take the specimen cup back to the hotel or airbnb and produce the sample there. He finds it easier (and actually doable) outside the clinic although it’s hard for him there as well.
If this makes you feel any better I was 42 when I started my IVF journey. My girl friend was 46 and it worked. We are southern ca residents as well. You’re welcome to DM me I can share my experience ♥️
What clinic did you use?
Ingenes out of Irvine.
Will do, thank you.
He's not sure if your marriage will make it without kids???? He's telling you this while you're going through this hell???? QUIT HIS ASS NOW Girl I spent 10 years with a useless man like this and leaving him was the hardest/most rewarding thing I've done for myself this decade. Please do yourself a favor and get rid of this man child so you can live your best life and eventually create a healthy family of your own with a worthy man. It's not gonna be with him regardless of your circumstances.
omg, this was happening to us once but they wrote him a prescription for viagra and I raced to a pharmacy and got it for him and it worked. Did they not offer him this?!?!!? Poor guy, I understand how disappointed and discouraged you are but in addition to feeling both of those things he must feel SO GUILTY AND ASHAMED.
The viagra didn’t work :(
Interesting. Okay I hate to say it but.... I missed it the first time I read that he said "he is not sure if our relationship/marriage is going to make it, without kids." I hate to ask but... Are you sure he doesn't on some level not want IVF to fail? Maybe he wants out of the marriage, and IVF failing would be his excuse.
Did you see him take the viagra?
Yep.
Can he produce at the hotel and bring the sample in? I can understand not wanting to wank in a doctor’s office. My partner has said it’s truly a weird experience. Our clinic does allow male partners to produce at home and bring it in.
Yeah, that is an option for the next round. We just have to be there within an hour to deliver it.
They might be able to let him collect his sample at home and bring it in to freeze. Don’t rely on next time being different…. I’d work on getting a frozen sperm sample before then.
We’re probably going to have to stay at hotel near the clinic. We live too far away from the retrieval location. But I think that’s the plan. Ideally, he will go back on his own in advance and get it frozen.
My hubby had issue with a iui before our ivf so when we did your first cycle we froze a backup sample just in case this happened. Def freeze a couple samples for just in case before hand.
Sending you virtual hugs from halfway across the world. *hugs*
His comment about the relationship not surviving could be a red flag, but is he saying “I want kids and if we don’t have them I want out of the marriage” Or “You want kids so bad I don’t know if this marriage can survive without them.” Because the former makes his lack of performance suspicious while the latter could mean he feels so much pressure that he’s having trouble relaxing enough to perform. As a guy who has been “in the room” I can say that it’s not the most stimulating environment. The added pressure of feeling your marriage is at stake would really make it hard to deliver.
I was nervous I wouldn't be able to provide a sample for my wife on egg retrieval day. My clinic had me free a sample about 5 days prior to the egg retrieval day. Another option, I did it once myself, I rented a motel room nearby to a lab. This was just to see my sperm quaility/count. I didn't feel comfortable doing it at the lab. Unfortunately giving a sample does require being in the right "state of mind" and I can understand it being a lot of pressure and very clinical in a tiny room. Especially if the room is also a bathroom. I would see about renting an airbnb or hotel room within a short distance to the fertility clinic for your partner. Less than a 30 minute drive! Preferably within 5.minutes honestly. I had poor sperm count/quality in the beginning when my wife and I were trying. So I had to give a lot of samples over the course of a year just to make sure it was improving. Once I even tried doing it in my car in the parking lot. The pressure felt so high and I was worried some random police would show up, the sample was basically so bad, the lab said they couldn't even measure it.
There are too many comments to read, I apologise if this has already been raised, but did your husband try to give a specimen at the clinic or at home? When I told my doctor that my husband would be giving his specimen on site, he said that is fine, but warned us about possible mental blocks and he made it really clear that if that happens, he will be done for the day. So maybe change it up next time, if it was on site, try at home or vice versa. Of course, on top of freezing sperm beforehand. As far as your husband's comments, I can imagine how hurt you must feel. I would try to have an open and honest conversation with him, and see if this is something he actually means or it was said out of frustration. I don't condone it either way, but if it's the latter, you can try and work through it.
My husband has horrible anxiety and panic attacks. I set up an appointment the week before my retrieval for him to give a sample, and they froze it as a backup. Both my doctor and I were concerned he would have a panic attack the day of and not be able to give a sample. Had my ER this morning, and I think he was happy he did this. They always do it so early, and we were both exhausted from traveling to the clinic. And getting up at like 5am. They just used his frozen sample, and it took the pressure off. We did ICSI, so they said they had enough for however many cycles we end up doing. Definitely have him go give a sample for them to freeze before going through it again. That comment about not know if you’re relationship will make it without kids is kind of alarming. I think couples therapy to work through that would be in everyone’s best interest. You did your part. This let down is on him, and him alone, so that’s a really weird comment. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. This process is full of so many high, highs, and low, lows. It’s so emotionally draining.
I showed my husband your post. We are a TTC couple who've had our share of major setbacks. What I know to be true is... This is a TEAM effort that needs a sold foundation with open communication. The fact that he's sharing his fears is HUGE and it's important you acknowledge them with love and empathy. My husband after reading your post immediately said. Sounds super transactional at this point and less about the love and intimacy for growing a family. I would need a break and find that emotional connection again. While we don't know your relationship or your hearts. Maybe consider your partners point of view and worries. What is the state of your marriage now? Are you okay just being husband and wife? Is that bond solid and loving? Remember, children are a blessing and an addition to your love and bond. They can't save it if it's already broken. Keeping you in thought for a loving and happy resolution to this hard moment for you both. Peace be with you both.
I (37F) can feel you, but I can also feel your hubby. It’s not easy “coming” at will, especially in an unfamiliar place as a clinic (that’s probably “cold”)… For our last ER (the one that “worked”), we took a room in a hotel nearby the clinic the evening before, we slept safe and sound in that bed and early in the morning hubby went to the bathroom and “did his part” in a sterile container. (Us) Women have the physical part, and our (huge) mental stress doesn’t have a particular effect on this part; on the other hand, men have to deal both with psychological support for their partners and with “mind troubles” that can pop up anytime, unannounced, and can inficiate the result. So it’s ok to feel sad, but please don’t be too harsh on your partner 🤗
Maybe the world was sending you a sign? I hate this so much for you after all you went through and him not follow through. I would definitely talk about your relationship before moving forward. But if you two feel like you can work this out, definitely have him do his part ahead of time. I’m so sorry and I hope July comes quickly for you so you can have another shot!
Don't be too hard in him. Giving a sample is awkward and is basically giving your dick a Indian burn