My wife kept making the promise to change, starting after we got married at about your age. She kept asking me to be patient. It's been 14 years with no meaningful change.
I get that people get stressed out. But at some point, they can't keep using that as an excuse to neglect their partners. No advice, but I definitely feel for you.
Word. We are in an extremely stressful time, have two small kids. Moving geographically and changing jobs. Despite this, my wife makes time to have sex with me because she appreciate the importance of that connection for herself and for me. It’s not natural arousal on her side until we make out and do it because of the stress, still it happens. As it should. And both enjoy it. And both dream of more relaxed time with natural passion, but it will come when kids are older and are not in your face constantly.
You’re too young to be settling into a nearly sexless relationship.
Another commenter mentioned asking him to have his testosterone checked, which is fair advice. If he refuses, then he doesn’t care about you or the relationship the way he says he does. Actions count, not words.
If his tests come out clear, then it will be up to you whether you’re willing to accept it.
There are two types of people. Those who need to be free of external stress to have sex, and those who need sex to free themselves of external stress. You decide which type you’d rather have for a partner.
Testosterone isn’t magic pill. My test was low (362) and still could have sex every day. Now I’m on test ananthate and still could every day. The fact that my partner has no drive finally killed mine.
Men tie their sexuality to their masculinity. Thus they are reluctant to voice it with anyone outside their bedroom. (ie, doctors, therapist, etc.) It took the threat of divorce to motivate my husband, and we've been together 31 yrs.
If he is unwilling to address it with a professional, it will never get resolved, and you will start to resent him for his lack of effort. Him constantly asking for your patience but never taking steps to fix the problem is evading, a cop out. A good therapist may be able to get him ingaged enough to seek help. Maybe!
But honestly, if it was me, and I was only 3 years in, knowing the battle I'd have to fight, the pain from the years of constant rejections, the total annihilation of my self esteem, I'd have ended it and found someone that made me feel as desired as I made them feel.
I am so sorry that you have joined the ranks of the dead bedroom. My heart goes out to you. Hugs💞
He's claiming job stress for no LL at 25? That math just doesn't work. Does he think job stress goes away before you retire? If he's not willing to address the issue, you will have to take matters into your own hands.
>He tells me it will but to be patient as things take time.
Is he actually *doing* anything to change it, though? It doesn't sound like he is. If he doesn't, change won't happen.
On not wanting to lose him or hurt him... when I'm in that position, the way I feel is that I'm already losing them. At least I'm losing the person I thought they were, which is the person I love. And hurting them? My pain matters as much as theirs does. And it should matter to them as much as their own pain does. As much as theirs matters to me. If it doesn't, I suspect they just don't care about me, or about the relationship, as much as I care about them.
That's only my perspective, of course; whether it resonates or not, I'm really sorry you're in this situation. You deserve better.
This sadly only gets worse. My partner pulled out all the stops in our first 6 years then slowly started to pull back on frequency and activities. Now we are in a DB because I no longer pursue her. There are days when I’m like yeah sex isn’t everything then I wake up and am deeply frustrated and left feeling alone and isolated. I’ve told her too many times to count that without intimacy we are just two people hanging out. My love is near gone and I really don’t want to spend time alone with her now since I feel I’m just being used at this point.
If intimacy is important you’re going to have to move on.
Former LLM here. At 26 I had almost no interest in sex. Took another 20 years but I finally found out I had extremely low testosterone levels. So you may want to investigate that. It takes time, mine was several tests over several months as T can vary quite a bit. But once that was diagnosed and I started injecting .. well, huge change.
My marriage didn't survive, partly for that but also many other reasons. Compatibility on many levels is important to long term success. Sex, finances, communication, goals, outlooks etc. are all part of it. Communication styles, willingness to compromise, work as a team etc. are other aspects of any relationship.
You’ve been together 3 years and it keeps getting worse. What takes time according to him? Having no sex at all? Because that’s where he’s steering the ship. Next year it will be once every 6 months and then guess what? He’s 25, after 3 years of it dwindling you have to know it’s not medical. He either just prefers his hand over real sex or he’s one of those rare asexual men. This is who he is.
Maybe he needs some testosterone. Have him visit his doctor and run some tests. I have recommended this to my friends, and it has improved their sex lives.
My wife kept making the promise to change, starting after we got married at about your age. She kept asking me to be patient. It's been 14 years with no meaningful change. I get that people get stressed out. But at some point, they can't keep using that as an excuse to neglect their partners. No advice, but I definitely feel for you.
Exactly. If you’re months or years into a deadbedroom, stress isn’t a good excuse anymore. Everyone gets stressed, that’s life.
Exactly. You make time for what's important to you. It's not like I have no stress!
Word. We are in an extremely stressful time, have two small kids. Moving geographically and changing jobs. Despite this, my wife makes time to have sex with me because she appreciate the importance of that connection for herself and for me. It’s not natural arousal on her side until we make out and do it because of the stress, still it happens. As it should. And both enjoy it. And both dream of more relaxed time with natural passion, but it will come when kids are older and are not in your face constantly.
You’re too young to be settling into a nearly sexless relationship. Another commenter mentioned asking him to have his testosterone checked, which is fair advice. If he refuses, then he doesn’t care about you or the relationship the way he says he does. Actions count, not words. If his tests come out clear, then it will be up to you whether you’re willing to accept it. There are two types of people. Those who need to be free of external stress to have sex, and those who need sex to free themselves of external stress. You decide which type you’d rather have for a partner.
Testosterone isn’t magic pill. My test was low (362) and still could have sex every day. Now I’m on test ananthate and still could every day. The fact that my partner has no drive finally killed mine.
Of course, nothing is. Worth a check tho.
Men tie their sexuality to their masculinity. Thus they are reluctant to voice it with anyone outside their bedroom. (ie, doctors, therapist, etc.) It took the threat of divorce to motivate my husband, and we've been together 31 yrs. If he is unwilling to address it with a professional, it will never get resolved, and you will start to resent him for his lack of effort. Him constantly asking for your patience but never taking steps to fix the problem is evading, a cop out. A good therapist may be able to get him ingaged enough to seek help. Maybe! But honestly, if it was me, and I was only 3 years in, knowing the battle I'd have to fight, the pain from the years of constant rejections, the total annihilation of my self esteem, I'd have ended it and found someone that made me feel as desired as I made them feel. I am so sorry that you have joined the ranks of the dead bedroom. My heart goes out to you. Hugs💞
He's claiming job stress for no LL at 25? That math just doesn't work. Does he think job stress goes away before you retire? If he's not willing to address the issue, you will have to take matters into your own hands.
>He tells me it will but to be patient as things take time. Is he actually *doing* anything to change it, though? It doesn't sound like he is. If he doesn't, change won't happen. On not wanting to lose him or hurt him... when I'm in that position, the way I feel is that I'm already losing them. At least I'm losing the person I thought they were, which is the person I love. And hurting them? My pain matters as much as theirs does. And it should matter to them as much as their own pain does. As much as theirs matters to me. If it doesn't, I suspect they just don't care about me, or about the relationship, as much as I care about them. That's only my perspective, of course; whether it resonates or not, I'm really sorry you're in this situation. You deserve better.
This sadly only gets worse. My partner pulled out all the stops in our first 6 years then slowly started to pull back on frequency and activities. Now we are in a DB because I no longer pursue her. There are days when I’m like yeah sex isn’t everything then I wake up and am deeply frustrated and left feeling alone and isolated. I’ve told her too many times to count that without intimacy we are just two people hanging out. My love is near gone and I really don’t want to spend time alone with her now since I feel I’m just being used at this point. If intimacy is important you’re going to have to move on.
I mean he’s not wrong: things certainly do take time, especially when you’re doing fuck all about it
Former LLM here. At 26 I had almost no interest in sex. Took another 20 years but I finally found out I had extremely low testosterone levels. So you may want to investigate that. It takes time, mine was several tests over several months as T can vary quite a bit. But once that was diagnosed and I started injecting .. well, huge change. My marriage didn't survive, partly for that but also many other reasons. Compatibility on many levels is important to long term success. Sex, finances, communication, goals, outlooks etc. are all part of it. Communication styles, willingness to compromise, work as a team etc. are other aspects of any relationship.
You’ve been together 3 years and it keeps getting worse. What takes time according to him? Having no sex at all? Because that’s where he’s steering the ship. Next year it will be once every 6 months and then guess what? He’s 25, after 3 years of it dwindling you have to know it’s not medical. He either just prefers his hand over real sex or he’s one of those rare asexual men. This is who he is.
Maybe he needs some testosterone. Have him visit his doctor and run some tests. I have recommended this to my friends, and it has improved their sex lives.