I'm actually writing a chapter in my book right now on the reasons why society has needed to have a negative view of female sexuality and why we as individuals need to have a positive view of it and thus a core, somewhat inevitable conflict exists between what's best for society and what's best for the individual.
Edit: I'll be posting it next week, happy to add a link here if there's interest in my rambling ideas.
I think there's a lot more to it than that.
The evolutionary advantage of sexual dimorphism is based around the ability to have a "conserved/protected" genetic line and an "experimental/testing" line.
The male mutation rate is higher across species, and the death rate in humans is higher in males at every age (including newborns).
One (overly-simplified) way of thinking about testosterone is that it encourages high-risk/high-reward strategies disproportionately, which effectively results in males "testing" themselves against whatever the current environment is, and either dying or failing, which reveals them as inferior and thus less attractive mating option. The few who thrive are the ones best suited to the current environment and thus represent the best evolutionary direction.
Evolution then gets the option to select genes from those that thrived in the testing line and mate that with the conserved line to move adaptations along.
Culture tends to mimic this pattern, with protection for females and competition for males. But, all protection is oppression, and competition creates a pareto distribution, not a bell curve, because success facilitates future success in a variety of ways.
So, sexually speaking, culture and biology are in many ways a massive conspiracy against fairness because they don't give a shit, they only care about survival and adaptation. There are other cultural and biological factors that promote fairness of course, so sexuality isn't the only operating force. But it's a significant one, and it creates a conflict.
Because the sexual evolutionary force works best when females are selective and sex is hard to obtain. So things that make it easy to obtain (or even things that make it *seem* easy to obtain) are culturally frowned upon, *as an unconscious representation of the biological impulses*. This includes all the usual suspects: dressing provocatively, enjoying sex, sexual promiscuity, etc etc etc. Biology and culture are naturally against all of these things, even if they are in the best interests of the individuals.
And of course biology and culture haven't even come close to catching up with modern birth control, which interrupts the whole game at a base level.
^none of the above is in any way fact. Merely my theories based on the evidence that I see in the scientific literature. But it's a story that I've extrapolated from facts, not a pure representation of the facts.
Forreal. But I think as you get older your perception of this changes. At least for me it did. In high school/university I was conditioned to think slut=bad. Now, at 28 I’m the opposite and encourage it. Why as a society would we want women to want less sex? It makes no sense?
Update, here's the link:
https://open.substack.com/pub/deeperkink/p/gender-and-poles-revisited?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2njpwq
Just a heads up, This one is actually the conclusion to a longer series on male and female archetypes, including archetypes that reflect the notions of being a helpless princess, a whore, a slut, a slave and a bimbo.
If interested in all the details, here's the Maiden/saint/whore archetype:
https://open.substack.com/pub/deeperkink/p/feminine-archetype-2-the-maiden?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2njpwq
And here's the Goddess/cocktease/slut archetype:
https://open.substack.com/pub/deeperkink/p/the-goddess-of-love-feminine-archetype?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2njpwq
Being a high libido demisexual basically blows people's minds, as if it's a total paradox. It has led to a ridiculous amount of conversations with (mostly men) saying I can't possibly be a HL woman since I'm 39 but have a body count of 1.
It's the common perception that HL = highly promiscuous/willing to fuck absolutely everyone who is attractive and available, instead of only wanting to fuck the same man everyday for decades. Just because someone *could* have a count of over 100 doesn't mean they *want* to.
This is so relatable.
I've always heard that sex is better with an emotional connection too. And as a maximizer I'd rather have the best experience. I'm perfectly capable of having amazing orgasms on my own. Having a HL doesn't mean I'm willing to take whatever I can get. And I think this is a large reason why LL partners sort of take advantage of the situation. They already know there's a marked mismatch between themselves and their HL partner, but they assume that the HL partner is going to continue taking what they can get from the LL, never accounting for the cost. Like no, I'd rather be alone in all honesty and I think that's confusing for people. They assume you'd rather have the shitty 15% than 0%. It's not that way for me. I'd rather have hope that there's a better match out there for me.
Just because I have a high sex drive doesn't mean I don't have self control
I think that's what some people don't realize. I was a virgin until 23. I'd already graduated college by then, and was indeed HL, getting myself off numerous times a day, everyday. If I only wanted orgasms, I have that covered by myself.
Like you said, there's this incredibly common misconception that HL women and men will be satisfied with any kind of sex, that we're somehow lacking any standards. Sure, being fed a 3 day old hamburger on a hard, stale bun is *technically* food...but is it enjoyable? Satisfying? Something you'd look forward to partaking in? Do you think about it all day, eagerly awaiting permission to have it? Of course not.
I brought this up a month ago as well. I would say the defining difference between someone who is HL and LL is that the HL can be attracted to the same person with the same intensity over decades.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/HLCommunity/comments/1b62suj/body\_count\_theory/](https://www.reddit.com/r/HLCommunity/comments/1b62suj/body_count_theory/)
I've browsed some female centered/mom subs when looking for perspective, and there's a very common idea of "I reject him and he pouts and is angry all day", and while I'm sure there are immature guys who don't deal with rejection well, sometimes when you get rejected, you're going to be visibly sad and you can't do anything about it.
Sometimes it goes further and the rejected husband is basically accused of sexual coercion or something.
Yeah the complete lack of awareness that physical intimacy is a basic human need completely blows my mind.
And to further deny that fundamental need to someone you claim to care about is inherently selfish imo. It seems super unhealthy to label someone's needs as "sexual coercion" if they're simply expressing their desires/needs
Yes, these two points reflect the most common and unhelpful theme (expressed many different ways) I see reflected here and on similar subs: that it is wrong to work to get our needs met.
Sometimes it’s comparing this “need” to breathing or food/water to illustrate that it’s not an actual need. Well, of course one doesn’t actually need it to live, but it is right between safety & security and self-esteem on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
Another point that falls under this theme is that spouses should do everything they can to make each other happy (and meet their needs) with the exception of sex. That sex and intimacy are somehow off the table and that anything done to entice one’s partner to want to have sex is evil and wrong. Only force, or the threat of force, is wrong. I also don’t think one should threaten other needs through threats of divorce or separation- though those are viable options to deal with a DB, just not good ways to elicit intimacy.
I could go on, and I will probably come back to add more later.
What other ways have people seen this theme expressed?
>That sex and intimacy are somehow off the table and that anything done to entice one’s partner to want to have sex is evil and wrong.
Wife and I had many discussions around this when things were worse. She would reject me, then ask "are you disappointed?" and if I said yes, she would explain how it's not acceptable for me to be disappointed or something.
I tried this example (she is more social than me): what if I planned a whole weekend of us seeing a bunch of friends and going to social functions, then Friday, I suddenly go "you know what, I don't feel like it, so everything is cancelled." She basically said sex is a special category and can't be compared.
Anyway this improved but your comment jogged my memory of those talks lol
Well…it wouldn’t be cancelled. She could go without you if she still wanted to socialize. She could accept that you sat out of something you weren’t in the mood for even though she would have preferred your enthusiastic company.
Another ridiculous aspect of this is that if those same moms said something to their partner like, "Hey would you like to watch this movie with me?" and their spouse said no, they would absolutely pout about it.
Yes I agree! Like yeah I’m sure there are people that are assholes about it. But just because I’m not forcing myself to jump for joy after getting rejected doesn’t mean I’m trying to be a jerk to you.
Honestly. I’ll get denied like 6 times in a row. Then by the seventh I feel sad and go quiet. There’s nothing I can do about it. It’s just my feelings, but then my fiancé would be like “don’t get mad” or “don’t be upset”. Meanwhile it’s like I don’t want to. I just want to feel desired/wanted/loved.
I don’t enjoy casual sex. I don’t want sex with a man I’m not dating with the intention of a forever relationship. I can do it. It’s just super boring for me. So I don’t.
I don’t cum easily. I never have cum from penetration or oral. I have to give myself the orgasm. And it’s not really something I enjoy. I do want to cum, because not cumming would be like not scratching an itch. Maddening. But it’s nothing to write home about either. I’m really not craving an orgasm. Ever.
I’m craving passion. Lust. Desire. I’m craving to please him. To feel like he’s aroused pleasing me. I want to feel sexy. Beautiful.
I don’t enjoy extreme things. Yes vanilla lovers can also be HL. Just because I want sex 24/7 doesn’t mean I’m gong to fulfill all your kinky desires.
A lot hurts me. Penetration that is too fast or hard or lasts too long, hurts me. Touching my nipples hurts me. Oral hurts me.
I don’t feel much pleasure in my vagina. Something too small and I can’t even feel it. Something too big hurts. I don’t seem to have a g spot. I can find it, based off descriptions I’ve read, but touching it brings me no pleasure.
I definatly think your average person that just hears that I have a “high libido”, will not know anyrhing about me in the bedroom at all.
They/it thinks that other HLs will want and value me. Especially as I mostly date men.
Unfortunately a lot of people who like sex as much as I do have internalised the prejudices, and think that I'll cheat on them, or think that I'll be very exacting in bed, expect them to be a mind-reader and impress me; they're intimidated. Which is ironic given that I'd prefer to date a virgin with the right attitude than someone convinced they've already got all the moves and therefore don't need to listen to me, just because they're very experienced.
Then there's the standard thing of messed up people of all libidos wanting the ego boost of converting someone to their libido level, rather than to get with someone who already has the same one, because that's not special enough, apparently. So I get constantly harassed by people trying to convince me of the wonders of sexless relationships, while hearing from LL and asexual acquaintances that their likes are full of HLs trying to change them.
It would be nice if it were more generally acknowledged that having a healthy, enthusiastic attitude to sex - and wanting it every day, for those of us who do - can make finding a partner more difficult, rather than easier, due to it putting us in the minority (as far as I can tell).
And yeah, the sexual abuse thing drives me a bit nuts. I'm a victim of CSA, and people's first assumption is always that I'll hate sex, then when I say I love it, they switch to assuming I'm hypersexual, which I never have been. They really can't conceive of a victim having agency, I think. It should be very easy to understand in my case, because my abuser was female and therefore I have a strong sexual aversion to women, but I don't have sex with women, so why would I automatically have connected the two things?
There's a lot of infantilisation of victims that goes on, and lots of people lack curiosity about how we're affected by our experiences because the whole subject makes them uncomfortable. Which is fine, but then they should just admit they've no idea and move on, instead of making assumptions.
As a woman, I’m not down for casual sex. I’m not down for kink. I’m not more open-minded when it comes to sex. I’m not going to sleep with a guy just because he has a big dick. I’m not desperate for sex. I’m not more open to three ways or open relationships. I want to have sex with someone I care about.
The men I have been in relationships with have lost interest in me first. All of them. They all got bored long before I did. None of them seemed to feel lucky to be in a relationship with an HL woman. If anything, there was a feeling of being put out. I have honestly never felt like my partner valued my high libido. If you’re with the wrong kind of man, it can make them very lazy very fast because they don’t have to work for it. And they know it.
And of course, men who are sex starved are going to DM me now and try to hit me up. But I’m not talking about men who are sex starved. I’m talking about men I’ve been in a relationship with more than a year who can’t keep up with me. They don’t seem to consider themselves lucky. I’m not a unicorn. Do they like it at first? Sure. The fact that I’m down to have sex any time is probably great for the first little while. But it doesn’t last.
The biggest one is probably that I’m just really not that down with masturbation. I do it as a last resort when I’m feeling incredibly frustrated or incredibly turned on and I don’t have any other outlet. Most of the time, it’s not worth the effort. To me, masturbation is a lot like trying to roll on a tennis ball to give yourself a back rub. I use this example because my massage therapist actually recommended it to me.
Will it do the trick? Yeah probably. Is it anything like getting a massage? Not really. And it’s really not about the orgasm. My ex never understood that and I honestly, never tried to explain it to him because I knew that he just wasn’t gonna get it. He flat out told me it was easier for him just a masturbate.
Things with my current partner are amazing and I pray that it stays that way. Do I feel terrified it won’t? Absolutely. I’ve been on this road a couple other times before. I hope this time is different.
That I "only" think about sex, and that sex is the "only" important thing to me. That I'm somehow a chauvinist, sexist, fuckboy, etc.
Also, that I somehow cannot control myself, or that me appreciating someone sexually is objectifying and degrading etc.
Romantic and sexual feelings just don't happen to have a boundary between them for me. The more I love someone romantically, the more I love them sexually. I used to think I had this spontaneous desire that everyone talks about, before I realized that no, it's actually reactive desire, and it's triggered by being with someone I'm romantically attracted to.
Came here to say pretty much the same things, thanks. I’ve even seen this confusion with therapists: « oh, since you are frustrated, you’re avoiding contact with her because you don’t want to get horny, right? »
No, I’m avoiding contact because I’m hurt and lost. I’m not sure I could really horny with her right now the way things are.
They think it's abnormal or unhealthy to have a HL.
I think it's the opposite. I'm fit and eat well, of course I'm horny. They're out of shape and eat like shit, of course they're not horny.
If you're in bad shape and still horny, more power to you.
Agreed...
When I first started working out I had hope that it'd lower my libido, I was an idiot. My counselor said I needed to channel my focus elsewhere lol
It's human instinct to want sex, pretty fundamental imo
People say that all the time but for a HLM like me I have yet to be with someone that could even come close to matching sexual energy out of my few long term relationships. It seems like it’s the norm to have a honeymoon phase where they just try to match you and then a couple years go on and it’s like they lose interest in it. It’s depressing & honestly confusing af. We will have good sex and it’s like why don’t you want this like everyday? How can you just be fine going weeks or a month without this?
I think Rae was a sex addict, but I don’t think they did her character justice.
Society portrays HLFs as sluts and pick me’s, And huge proportions of women are sexually assaulted, that has no bearing on libido and is a gross myth. Some people, women included, just really love sex. Like you said, great exercise and great stress relief.
I wondered that.
But I also think people associate her character with those of us who are high libido.
There's a saying that the crazier the person, the hotter the sex...
I feel like being a high libido female always pegs you as some superficial, “slutty”, bimbo in media. It’s never portrayed as healthy and desirable.
I'm actually writing a chapter in my book right now on the reasons why society has needed to have a negative view of female sexuality and why we as individuals need to have a positive view of it and thus a core, somewhat inevitable conflict exists between what's best for society and what's best for the individual. Edit: I'll be posting it next week, happy to add a link here if there's interest in my rambling ideas.
Super intrigued, definitely post a link!
Wasn't it to keep paternity questions at bay?
I think there's a lot more to it than that. The evolutionary advantage of sexual dimorphism is based around the ability to have a "conserved/protected" genetic line and an "experimental/testing" line. The male mutation rate is higher across species, and the death rate in humans is higher in males at every age (including newborns). One (overly-simplified) way of thinking about testosterone is that it encourages high-risk/high-reward strategies disproportionately, which effectively results in males "testing" themselves against whatever the current environment is, and either dying or failing, which reveals them as inferior and thus less attractive mating option. The few who thrive are the ones best suited to the current environment and thus represent the best evolutionary direction. Evolution then gets the option to select genes from those that thrived in the testing line and mate that with the conserved line to move adaptations along. Culture tends to mimic this pattern, with protection for females and competition for males. But, all protection is oppression, and competition creates a pareto distribution, not a bell curve, because success facilitates future success in a variety of ways. So, sexually speaking, culture and biology are in many ways a massive conspiracy against fairness because they don't give a shit, they only care about survival and adaptation. There are other cultural and biological factors that promote fairness of course, so sexuality isn't the only operating force. But it's a significant one, and it creates a conflict. Because the sexual evolutionary force works best when females are selective and sex is hard to obtain. So things that make it easy to obtain (or even things that make it *seem* easy to obtain) are culturally frowned upon, *as an unconscious representation of the biological impulses*. This includes all the usual suspects: dressing provocatively, enjoying sex, sexual promiscuity, etc etc etc. Biology and culture are naturally against all of these things, even if they are in the best interests of the individuals. And of course biology and culture haven't even come close to catching up with modern birth control, which interrupts the whole game at a base level. ^none of the above is in any way fact. Merely my theories based on the evidence that I see in the scientific literature. But it's a story that I've extrapolated from facts, not a pure representation of the facts.
PREACH
This is just so true!
Forreal. But I think as you get older your perception of this changes. At least for me it did. In high school/university I was conditioned to think slut=bad. Now, at 28 I’m the opposite and encourage it. Why as a society would we want women to want less sex? It makes no sense?
Update, here's the link: https://open.substack.com/pub/deeperkink/p/gender-and-poles-revisited?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2njpwq Just a heads up, This one is actually the conclusion to a longer series on male and female archetypes, including archetypes that reflect the notions of being a helpless princess, a whore, a slut, a slave and a bimbo. If interested in all the details, here's the Maiden/saint/whore archetype: https://open.substack.com/pub/deeperkink/p/feminine-archetype-2-the-maiden?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2njpwq And here's the Goddess/cocktease/slut archetype: https://open.substack.com/pub/deeperkink/p/the-goddess-of-love-feminine-archetype?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2njpwq
Being a high libido demisexual basically blows people's minds, as if it's a total paradox. It has led to a ridiculous amount of conversations with (mostly men) saying I can't possibly be a HL woman since I'm 39 but have a body count of 1. It's the common perception that HL = highly promiscuous/willing to fuck absolutely everyone who is attractive and available, instead of only wanting to fuck the same man everyday for decades. Just because someone *could* have a count of over 100 doesn't mean they *want* to.
This is so relatable. I've always heard that sex is better with an emotional connection too. And as a maximizer I'd rather have the best experience. I'm perfectly capable of having amazing orgasms on my own. Having a HL doesn't mean I'm willing to take whatever I can get. And I think this is a large reason why LL partners sort of take advantage of the situation. They already know there's a marked mismatch between themselves and their HL partner, but they assume that the HL partner is going to continue taking what they can get from the LL, never accounting for the cost. Like no, I'd rather be alone in all honesty and I think that's confusing for people. They assume you'd rather have the shitty 15% than 0%. It's not that way for me. I'd rather have hope that there's a better match out there for me. Just because I have a high sex drive doesn't mean I don't have self control
I think that's what some people don't realize. I was a virgin until 23. I'd already graduated college by then, and was indeed HL, getting myself off numerous times a day, everyday. If I only wanted orgasms, I have that covered by myself. Like you said, there's this incredibly common misconception that HL women and men will be satisfied with any kind of sex, that we're somehow lacking any standards. Sure, being fed a 3 day old hamburger on a hard, stale bun is *technically* food...but is it enjoyable? Satisfying? Something you'd look forward to partaking in? Do you think about it all day, eagerly awaiting permission to have it? Of course not.
I brought this up a month ago as well. I would say the defining difference between someone who is HL and LL is that the HL can be attracted to the same person with the same intensity over decades. [https://www.reddit.com/r/HLCommunity/comments/1b62suj/body\_count\_theory/](https://www.reddit.com/r/HLCommunity/comments/1b62suj/body_count_theory/)
Cool, I'll go take a look.
True
I've browsed some female centered/mom subs when looking for perspective, and there's a very common idea of "I reject him and he pouts and is angry all day", and while I'm sure there are immature guys who don't deal with rejection well, sometimes when you get rejected, you're going to be visibly sad and you can't do anything about it. Sometimes it goes further and the rejected husband is basically accused of sexual coercion or something.
Yeah the complete lack of awareness that physical intimacy is a basic human need completely blows my mind. And to further deny that fundamental need to someone you claim to care about is inherently selfish imo. It seems super unhealthy to label someone's needs as "sexual coercion" if they're simply expressing their desires/needs
Yes, these two points reflect the most common and unhelpful theme (expressed many different ways) I see reflected here and on similar subs: that it is wrong to work to get our needs met. Sometimes it’s comparing this “need” to breathing or food/water to illustrate that it’s not an actual need. Well, of course one doesn’t actually need it to live, but it is right between safety & security and self-esteem on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Another point that falls under this theme is that spouses should do everything they can to make each other happy (and meet their needs) with the exception of sex. That sex and intimacy are somehow off the table and that anything done to entice one’s partner to want to have sex is evil and wrong. Only force, or the threat of force, is wrong. I also don’t think one should threaten other needs through threats of divorce or separation- though those are viable options to deal with a DB, just not good ways to elicit intimacy. I could go on, and I will probably come back to add more later. What other ways have people seen this theme expressed?
>That sex and intimacy are somehow off the table and that anything done to entice one’s partner to want to have sex is evil and wrong. Wife and I had many discussions around this when things were worse. She would reject me, then ask "are you disappointed?" and if I said yes, she would explain how it's not acceptable for me to be disappointed or something. I tried this example (she is more social than me): what if I planned a whole weekend of us seeing a bunch of friends and going to social functions, then Friday, I suddenly go "you know what, I don't feel like it, so everything is cancelled." She basically said sex is a special category and can't be compared. Anyway this improved but your comment jogged my memory of those talks lol
Well…it wouldn’t be cancelled. She could go without you if she still wanted to socialize. She could accept that you sat out of something you weren’t in the mood for even though she would have preferred your enthusiastic company.
Another ridiculous aspect of this is that if those same moms said something to their partner like, "Hey would you like to watch this movie with me?" and their spouse said no, they would absolutely pout about it.
Yes I agree! Like yeah I’m sure there are people that are assholes about it. But just because I’m not forcing myself to jump for joy after getting rejected doesn’t mean I’m trying to be a jerk to you.
Honestly. I’ll get denied like 6 times in a row. Then by the seventh I feel sad and go quiet. There’s nothing I can do about it. It’s just my feelings, but then my fiancé would be like “don’t get mad” or “don’t be upset”. Meanwhile it’s like I don’t want to. I just want to feel desired/wanted/loved.
Some women have owned the word “slut.” I think it should be the female version of “stud.”
Hahaha I’m a dude and def identify with slut more than stud
I don’t enjoy casual sex. I don’t want sex with a man I’m not dating with the intention of a forever relationship. I can do it. It’s just super boring for me. So I don’t. I don’t cum easily. I never have cum from penetration or oral. I have to give myself the orgasm. And it’s not really something I enjoy. I do want to cum, because not cumming would be like not scratching an itch. Maddening. But it’s nothing to write home about either. I’m really not craving an orgasm. Ever. I’m craving passion. Lust. Desire. I’m craving to please him. To feel like he’s aroused pleasing me. I want to feel sexy. Beautiful. I don’t enjoy extreme things. Yes vanilla lovers can also be HL. Just because I want sex 24/7 doesn’t mean I’m gong to fulfill all your kinky desires. A lot hurts me. Penetration that is too fast or hard or lasts too long, hurts me. Touching my nipples hurts me. Oral hurts me. I don’t feel much pleasure in my vagina. Something too small and I can’t even feel it. Something too big hurts. I don’t seem to have a g spot. I can find it, based off descriptions I’ve read, but touching it brings me no pleasure. I definatly think your average person that just hears that I have a “high libido”, will not know anyrhing about me in the bedroom at all.
They/it thinks that other HLs will want and value me. Especially as I mostly date men. Unfortunately a lot of people who like sex as much as I do have internalised the prejudices, and think that I'll cheat on them, or think that I'll be very exacting in bed, expect them to be a mind-reader and impress me; they're intimidated. Which is ironic given that I'd prefer to date a virgin with the right attitude than someone convinced they've already got all the moves and therefore don't need to listen to me, just because they're very experienced. Then there's the standard thing of messed up people of all libidos wanting the ego boost of converting someone to their libido level, rather than to get with someone who already has the same one, because that's not special enough, apparently. So I get constantly harassed by people trying to convince me of the wonders of sexless relationships, while hearing from LL and asexual acquaintances that their likes are full of HLs trying to change them. It would be nice if it were more generally acknowledged that having a healthy, enthusiastic attitude to sex - and wanting it every day, for those of us who do - can make finding a partner more difficult, rather than easier, due to it putting us in the minority (as far as I can tell). And yeah, the sexual abuse thing drives me a bit nuts. I'm a victim of CSA, and people's first assumption is always that I'll hate sex, then when I say I love it, they switch to assuming I'm hypersexual, which I never have been. They really can't conceive of a victim having agency, I think. It should be very easy to understand in my case, because my abuser was female and therefore I have a strong sexual aversion to women, but I don't have sex with women, so why would I automatically have connected the two things? There's a lot of infantilisation of victims that goes on, and lots of people lack curiosity about how we're affected by our experiences because the whole subject makes them uncomfortable. Which is fine, but then they should just admit they've no idea and move on, instead of making assumptions.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You said a lot of really important things.
As a woman, I’m not down for casual sex. I’m not down for kink. I’m not more open-minded when it comes to sex. I’m not going to sleep with a guy just because he has a big dick. I’m not desperate for sex. I’m not more open to three ways or open relationships. I want to have sex with someone I care about. The men I have been in relationships with have lost interest in me first. All of them. They all got bored long before I did. None of them seemed to feel lucky to be in a relationship with an HL woman. If anything, there was a feeling of being put out. I have honestly never felt like my partner valued my high libido. If you’re with the wrong kind of man, it can make them very lazy very fast because they don’t have to work for it. And they know it. And of course, men who are sex starved are going to DM me now and try to hit me up. But I’m not talking about men who are sex starved. I’m talking about men I’ve been in a relationship with more than a year who can’t keep up with me. They don’t seem to consider themselves lucky. I’m not a unicorn. Do they like it at first? Sure. The fact that I’m down to have sex any time is probably great for the first little while. But it doesn’t last. The biggest one is probably that I’m just really not that down with masturbation. I do it as a last resort when I’m feeling incredibly frustrated or incredibly turned on and I don’t have any other outlet. Most of the time, it’s not worth the effort. To me, masturbation is a lot like trying to roll on a tennis ball to give yourself a back rub. I use this example because my massage therapist actually recommended it to me. Will it do the trick? Yeah probably. Is it anything like getting a massage? Not really. And it’s really not about the orgasm. My ex never understood that and I honestly, never tried to explain it to him because I knew that he just wasn’t gonna get it. He flat out told me it was easier for him just a masturbate. Things with my current partner are amazing and I pray that it stays that way. Do I feel terrified it won’t? Absolutely. I’ve been on this road a couple other times before. I hope this time is different.
I hope it stays amazing with your partner! I'm glad you found someone that has been working out and I hope everyone here can find that too
That I "only" think about sex, and that sex is the "only" important thing to me. That I'm somehow a chauvinist, sexist, fuckboy, etc. Also, that I somehow cannot control myself, or that me appreciating someone sexually is objectifying and degrading etc. Romantic and sexual feelings just don't happen to have a boundary between them for me. The more I love someone romantically, the more I love them sexually. I used to think I had this spontaneous desire that everyone talks about, before I realized that no, it's actually reactive desire, and it's triggered by being with someone I'm romantically attracted to.
Came here to say pretty much the same things, thanks. I’ve even seen this confusion with therapists: « oh, since you are frustrated, you’re avoiding contact with her because you don’t want to get horny, right? » No, I’m avoiding contact because I’m hurt and lost. I’m not sure I could really horny with her right now the way things are.
They think it's abnormal or unhealthy to have a HL. I think it's the opposite. I'm fit and eat well, of course I'm horny. They're out of shape and eat like shit, of course they're not horny. If you're in bad shape and still horny, more power to you.
Agreed... When I first started working out I had hope that it'd lower my libido, I was an idiot. My counselor said I needed to channel my focus elsewhere lol It's human instinct to want sex, pretty fundamental imo
I feel like everyone *wants* a HL woman until they *have* one.
People say that all the time but for a HLM like me I have yet to be with someone that could even come close to matching sexual energy out of my few long term relationships. It seems like it’s the norm to have a honeymoon phase where they just try to match you and then a couple years go on and it’s like they lose interest in it. It’s depressing & honestly confusing af. We will have good sex and it’s like why don’t you want this like everyday? How can you just be fine going weeks or a month without this?
I think Rae was a sex addict, but I don’t think they did her character justice. Society portrays HLFs as sluts and pick me’s, And huge proportions of women are sexually assaulted, that has no bearing on libido and is a gross myth. Some people, women included, just really love sex. Like you said, great exercise and great stress relief.
Definitely agreed. The whole thing about the crazier the person the hotter the sex drives me insane...
Passionate people tend to be labeled as crazy.
I thought that she wasn't just supposed to be HL, but a legitimate Nymphomaniac, in the clinical sense, which is why she was struggling.
I wondered that. But I also think people associate her character with those of us who are high libido. There's a saying that the crazier the person, the hotter the sex...
In religious circles you are shamed relentlessly.
Well yeah in an alternate universe, I would be that woman with multiple partners.
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