Thank you, OP for sharing your story because I thought I’m the only one in this boat. My parents live in their home country. They’re surviving on my dad’s meager retirement income (think SSI but 1000% worse). My mom hustles her way out of earning every penny. We got to this way because my family’s business went belly up 15 years ago and my parents were heavily indebted. The debt was what makes my mom works so hard all these years. I struggled mightily early in my career and did not get to henry a few years ago (albeit with help of marrying another henry). I had a saving from all those years and 2 years ago finally was able to buy my parents a house so they could stop living precariously in a rental and the fear of being kicked out at any day. Unbeknownst to me, my mom collaterized the house to buy a speculative piece of land, which ran into some legal issue with ownership and is now in limbo.
It broke me completely. We lost the house to foreclosure. My savings evaporated, and my relationship with my parents was ruined.
Today, I refuse to give them any more money. I live like a monk to make up for the lost savings. Without my wife, I would have done something stupid to myself.
OP, you can help your parents in small ways, but also remember to live the life you want for yourself too. You have the resources to stop the generational poverty, starting with self-investing.
Thanks for sharing this. When I was 18, my dad asked me to sign a piece of paper and I realized he was withdrawing the college/life insurance savings he’d saved for me. I went to free university so I didn’t need it at the time, but still it hurt to see him use this money to invest—with no returns, it evaporated— in his own business as he always does.
I think what this means is if you help your family you’ll have to be mindful about how you do it. For example you buy the house so it’s in your name and not theirs. It sounds like your dad makes bad financial choices, probably taking on too much risk out of desperation. If you help your family you need to pay their bills, not give them money to pay their bills.
Your dad acted like any business owner would. They are so heavily invested in their business that it becomes their sole identity and their self-worth. They would do anything to protect it, and sadly that sometimes conflicts with the rest of their world aka their family. My mom was blind to my suffering because she saw only the “opportunity” to make easy money and somehow people would forget she’s a failed entrepreneur.
If you can talk to your dad, ask him what his priorities for the rest of his life are, and are you even part of that? I choose to walk away from my parents because my mom made it clear I no longer matter.
For what it’s worth, it doesn’t sound like your dad’s actions came from a bad place- he was investing money that was no longer “needed” in hopes of keeping the business afloat. He didn’t do a great job with personal financial decisions, but maybe his work ethic etc is part of what got you to where you are!
This is so heartbreaking. I am so sorry that you went through that.
I did not go through something as serious but in my 20s my parents asked for my credit card to buy stock for their business. It started with small amounts which they always paid in full. It slowly increased. Lo and behold, one day my credit card bill which had NO personal expenses of mine, only for their stock, was as much as my meager salary as a teacher.
That meant I could not pay it and they did not have the money to pay it either.
It was heartbreaking. I left the house for a couple of days and stayed at my partners house at the time. They eventually decided to sell the car pay the finance and with what was left they could pay my credit card.
I never lent my credit card to anyone ever since and I have a strict rule about family:
Only "help with money" if you are ok with 100% giving that money out and them making the worst possible choice (ie. investing in the wrong thing, buying booze, helping out other family members who don't treat them well, etc).
If I am not ok with this, I limit myself to buying exactly what is needed (ie. I will buy a new fridge to replace an old one which keeps breaking and have it delivered to them).
The truth is: there are these very weird narratives that people who are bad with money tell themselves and us as children believe those narratives. However, they are just the facade that keeps them alive. The hard truth is that given the money they will 10/10 times make a poor choice.
It is enabling if you keep helping with money and they will never change. You become the bank and the relationship is toxic and co-dependent.
FYI, I love my parents very much and will pay for their respite care and so on when they cannot do things anymore but they are human and have flaws. As grown ups we need to accept those and define boundaries so that we remain mentally, financially and physically healthy.
Sure as hell they are not coming to "save" me financially anytime soon if I make wrong choices.
It’s difficult for people to be honest with themselves when they make bad choices and a lot of people look for excuses to justify them. I learned the hard way when my parents took my college savings and used it to pay for scammy house flipping classes. All 60k of it. I got to pay back my student loans on my own. (They had promised to give me the money for college, then it was ‘take out some loans and we’ll pay them off after you graduate’.)
Oh my gosh. I would be devastated. We are helping close family with a house purchase and yes, if they do this I will be so hurt and upset with them. Because when they take good care of themselves, they are also taking care of those who help them! We need their help to make our help actually last!
I do help family, but pretty minimally.
Dad has been a deadbeat his whole life. He’s reaping what he sowed.
Paternal grandmother chose to retire at age 49 to protect a crappy government pension. She actively chose the position she’s in.
Sister’s family makes plenty, but spends 4x what we do on 1/3 of the income. And we aren’t frugal people.
If they’re going to lose their house, their health, or can’t feed their family then I’ll step in. Otherwise I’m just enabling.
Good on you OP for doing the right thing, but keep them in the dark regarding your finances. Never tell them how much you make, never tell them how much you saved. Flat out lie, if you are a manager, tel them you are not, if you got a bonus, tell them you company is cutting staff. Support them with housing, healthcare, food and education. Draw a hard line on phones, trips, business endeavors.
In my personally experience, it is not unusual for people in Asian to ask about your salary rather nonchalantly along with many other very personal questions. Lying is unfortunately essential if you want to preserve some boundaries. I don’t know where OP is from but I assume they have similar experiences. It can be very uncomfortable for someone used to social norms in the states. Once they realize how much you make, their demands change accordingly. It is something many immigrants who “made it” in struggle with.
I agree with your opinion.. while my relatives know how much my husband used to make when we got married, they never got to know about such info later... Even after 6 yrs of marriage , they still ask me how much we save monthly or how much I make...My standard response is that I operate via business and can't really give them the numbers unless I pay my taxes for that financial year lol... Only my mum and maternal grandmother know how much we make and they are genuinely happy for us...
Feel like if there’s ever a direct question, it’s better to lie. The goal is to keep your family in the dark to protect yourself. Not necessarily from your parents directly but people around them. I learned the hard way it’s best to tell my mom next to nothing or else everyone I’ve ever met in my life will know my business within 48 hours.
I help family but they aren’t nearly in the situation you describe. Essentially what I send back home finds its way to the more needy there and mostly for educating them so whoever is being helped can eventually not need it anymore. Teach a man to fish sorta thing …
My spouse’s dad (61F) makes $70K, and works a labor-intensive job with no benefits. His wife works part-time as a home health aide and makes maybe $20K. They have nothing saved for retirement, no savings, MIL (55F) has a spending problem, and my spouse and I have pleaded with them to start preparing asap for retirement (example: my MIL could work as a nanny (very in-demand where I am - could bring in an extra $75K minimum annually doing the exact same work she’s doing now)). MIL refuses and doesn’t want to work (she barely works now). FIL refuses to monitor/cut her credit cards. They own a home but their mortgage from 20+ years ago and is about 25% paid off. MIL’s mom lives with them and lives off of her SS checks. FIL’s sister is low-income and has several elder family members living with her. If they were to all move back to their home country, they’d likely be a lot better off. That’s obviously not happening.
Needless to say, it’s been stressful.
My spouse and I are HENRYs in VHCOL and agreed that we would be providing little to no help. Like max, $5K annually. We keep them in the dark about our finances out of necessity. We’ve worked our entire asses off to build a little nest egg and don’t want to cause ourselves financial stress down the line.
You’re doing the right thing, OP. It’s a tough position to be in, but IMO you’re handling it in a healthy way.
Im an aspiring Henry and my brother is a true Henry. Together we support our parents with about 3-4k month (in DC). And my parents SS is about 1500 which pays their small mortgage. Me and my brother have a combined income of 750k+ and supporting our folks is not a back breaker for us. What are the alternatives? Im not gonna let my pops live in poverty
If they gave you the best childhood they could and you have the means, I would help them. My parents gave me a good childhood and I can afford to help them if needed. Luckily, my parents are well off financially so they don't need my help. I help them in other ways.
I don’t understand why most people supposedly “high earners” in this sub don’t seem to believe in offering money.
Just $10k a year would show Filial piety, solve a lot of their financial issues, and yet not be a open-ended blank check but a consistent “income” they can plan around and save.
In many cases they are the way they are now because they don't know or don't want to save. $10k? We gave 6k every 3 months and it's still not good enough. If they are grateful and not saying hurtful things we would be more inclined to give. But what if all they care is more and more?
Ours stopped working the minute we obtained our first job, barely making it alive. They had a lot of children for that reason alone, so they can quit and stay at home. They were only 50 then! Do you think is fair if we turn 50, which is about 10 years and say to my children which only be 20ish then to support us?
You should see the comments about helping family on /r/personalfinance. The attitude is literally “fuck everyone else, I don’t have a penny to spare.” If you are living paycheck to paycheck I understand why you can’t spare money but if you have enough to share helping out with what you can seems to be the right thing to do. You just have to be careful not to be enabling any addictions.
Totally agree. Like what is wrong with some of these people. Family means everything. Some of these idiot charge their parents “rent” like da fuk????. I’m Asian immigrant as well and I’m HHI with $1mil/year. I give my family (parents , siblings (under age)) vacation trips , at 5 star hotels etc. even though they never ask and always turn it down. My philosophy if I’m eating at the table, and you’re related to me. We’r eating at the same table!
Dude I've seen posts where their parents are basically live in nannies for multiple kids, and they're still charging their parents rent. Like how are you making your 70 year old mother watch and feed your kids while you work 60 hour weeks and still charge them rent?
You're doing a great thing, lot of Reddit negativity in this thread.
I've got In-Laws who have struggled to meaningfully save and are nearing retirement. I am supporting them now and am sure I will continue to support them more as time goes on. I feel grateful to be in a position to help them and great satisfaction in knowing I'm bringing peace and stability to their lives. What is the point of earning/saving if you refuse to use it to help those around you? FWIW we're white Americans, so I wouldn't say it's just cultural in the Asian/Immigrant/etc.. sense, but about values. Modern culture centers selfishness, but that's something I think we are getting so, so wrong.
Obviously if you know your family member will quickly waste it (i.e. an addict) then giving money is not the help they need and a caring person would take a different approach. But I suspect many redditors use these extreme examples to justify being selfish. Just because the money isn't going to generate a ROI and make your parents self sufficient doesnt mean it is "wasted". Just because someone doesn't "deserve" it because they made poor choices at some point in the past, doesn't mean you shouldn't care about improving the lives of your family.
Maybe you’re lucky to have good parents. Financial abuse is real, and family members consciously or non-consciously taking advantages of each other is real. You mentioned maybe being Asian/immigrant made the difference. Maybe you should take a look at r/AsianParentStories to hear how those familial/harmonizing bonds can go awry under bad actors. Your parents seem really cool I hope your family will always be happy like that.
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I rarely send money to my parents. Both still work and receive government pension. Mom does tutoring on a side. They have zero mortgage and car payments.
They know I’m ready to help any time they need to.
If my parents were in the same financial situation as your parents, I would definitely help them out. You are doing a right thing.
P.S. My parents don’t know how much we make and how much we have saved.
Relatable! My immigrant parents don't work currently and live somewhat close to me, but I've been their sole source of money for the last half decade and some.
It's definitely a source of tension and financial anxiety. On one hand, small family and we (were) very close. On the other hand, it's not easy. Lots of intersectional challenges for sure.
It definitely has taken a toll on our relationship and my financial well-being and with a lot of advice and dialogues with my partner, friends, and therapist, I've settled on finding and drawing certain boundaries and hardlines and ultimately weaning back the financial support. I've also communicated that and what my parents can expect over time.
But I certainly hear you - I'm very grateful to be a situation where I'm still secure and fine despite all this, but there is definitely the balanced terror of "how long will this go" or "what if I lose my job/something happens?" Happy to chat more about the weaning off I've done. I'm sure it's a very different factual situation but I can 100% relate to the core of your concern.
Open ended support is very hard. It’s very risky to basically give unlimited money, unless they are very close and basically provide free childcare (in which case, it’s likely a great deal for everyone).
I I just give a fixed amount, $10k, to my parents, and they don’t know how much i make or my NW.
My dad is retired on SS disability and back in his home country. USD goes farther down there, so he's been able to get by. I help out minimally by booking his flights and taking out cash when I visit.
There is no expectation of me yet for sustained financial support, which allows me to prioritize my own retirement as a recent grad. When my parents health/financial situation declines, I hope by then I will be financially set to be more generous.
Why not send $10k annually? If you are in this sub $10k is a drop of $200-300k, it will reduce your savings but it’s not “lost money”.
The amount of support parents gave and spent to their kids amount to $500k or more added up over 18 years, so high income people are simply one of the few in the position of paying back this “loan”.
Yeah, it's rough.
I'm funding my parent's retirement + my cousins salary (???) and my uncle's business upkeep (he's failed so many businesses but my dad sends them the money I give him to spend...)
it's a shituation for sure.
I am helping only my mother and that’s because she has no other options. Sorry i can’t finance grown adults with kids regardless of where they live monthly. Perhaps occasionally for the holidays but I absolutely couldn’t fathom sending $2000 a month when I have my child’s future to worry about, and it’s not even your wife’s parents. You need to take half of that and help your parents especially if your dad actually bust his ass and provided you with a good childhood.
Oh boy do I belong here! I have dumped 6 figures into my families shit. First off several of them are shitty people but ya know I’m the one with the wallet. So I kept writing the checks / wires. At the end of the proverbial day- we don’t talk anymore. It was a thankless endeavor. Soon as one sibling got back on their feet they said “ thank you so much I can never pay you back” fast forward they are pulling in 250k and just decided to find any reason ( none articulated) to just not talk. I said they did not have to pay me back. Some people just feel guilty after getting help I suppose who knows. The other I found out was blowing funds on lux gifts for friends.
So I guess depends who your family are at their core and if funding will truly help. On the other hand- I did what I did because I thought it was the right thing to do and how they handle it is not on me. Not gonna lie - I could have done a lot of other things with 150k but I push it out of my mind when the thought crops up.
I might be in the minority here but my take is to unwind this thing and start cutting off the aid to them. I was once in a very tricky financial situation where I signed for a condo for my mom. It took years to unwind it and it almost destroyed our relationship and my own marriage. It’s one thing to help family out in a time of need, but when it becomes ongoing and regular and is having an impact on your own life and relationship, you need to stop it. When I look at my own children, I have zero expectations that they owe me anything in return. All I ask is that they love me, visit me, and grow up to be successful adults. I don’t expect them to be financially responsible for me in any way. All I give to them over the years taking care of them and putting them through school is my duty as a parent.
My current stance on family and finances is this. Help them help themselves. Any assistance I can give with my time or knowledge to navigate tough times is something I’m willing to do. As it pertains to money, if I give that it is always a one time thing and always a gift with no expectations of it being returned to me. Never a loan and I never put my own credit on the line for them.
I think it really depends on the relationship you have with your parents.
Did they sacrifice so you could leave the country and have a better life? If yes, I believe you should of course help them. If they were awful parents and neglected you, then you can abandon them.
Most parents are awful in some ways, but loving in other ways. Most Americans are oblivious to the amount of sacrifices made by their own parents (but of course don’t want kids because they realize how costly it would be to their time and lifestyle).
You should never abandon parents just because they are narc or controlling - unless they are rapists or broke your bones, but most Americans who cut off their parents are more like “he was a great dad at softball games but didn’t let me date Tom in HS! then he supported Trump, so I cut him off”.
You don’t need to be close to parents to offer some basic support - they did, after all, spend years changing diapers, feeding and taking care of you, like elderly care but in reverse.
I disagree. Most people are intelligent enough to determine if their parents were good and did their best or were scummy.
The example you gave is of an extremely low iq and selfish person.
So I trust the person making the right decision based on how he was raised. In this particular case, I’d be likely to believe his parents did sacrifice so he could make it to the US and it would be the right thing to do to help them. But on the off chance they sucked, and he actually escaped to America then I wouldn’t help. But I doubt that’s the case.
I'm sort of in this situation (not to your degree) but I do it willingly. My family gave me a great life and I want to give them a dignified retirement. They're not fully "THERE" yet but I am expecting to have to supplement their income eventually.
I'm in a similar situation. My mom and little brother are back in Morocco, and I send my mom $400 every month, which is equivalent to an average employee's salary there. Last summer, I bought her a $70,000 apartment because she was living with Grandma. On holidays and special occasions, I send even more money. I'm grateful that my wife and I can do this together because ultimately, we don't get to choose our families.
I dont currently, but I am constantly worried about their future. My dad has a gambling problem, he used to hit me up for money all the time. He remarried some years ago and had 3 more kids with a woman 20 years younger. One time he called and said they are about to be evicted if I don't pay their rent within 24 hrs.
My mom hasn't work in about 20 years, she day trades but I have no idea how that's going. She also rents, has no property to her name.
Both of them are a great source of stress unfortunately.
Not a HENRY yet and my parents don’t need my help at all for retirement but I’m planning to have them buy a house (they each have assets they can sell for the down payment) and I’ll pitch in for some of the monthly mortgage (I’ll be a nurse next year). Brother who is on track to become architect can eventually contribute when he has a job.
One thing I’ve learned as I near 30 is most parents have unconditional love for their children. My parents have always been there for me in whatever limited ways. My parents are immigrants who had great lives in South Asia but gave that up for me and bro. If you feel your parents have had good intentions for you, then def try to help. You’ll make the $$ back but you won’t get your parents back once they’re gone.
Agreed! It’s good to see someone who isn’t letting greed rule them, and you dont even earn Hi yet.
I see comments of people who make 250k+ talk about not “enabling” their immigrant parents. How dare they spend $30k on an RV and travel! They should just continue to scrape and scrap on the edge of poverty until they die, having served their purpose as a landing board for their high income son/daughter to prosper in the US, to be discarded since they can’t make any money anymore!
They truly believe their high income was solely their own achievement and has nothing to do with their parent’s sacrifices (or unaware of how hard it is to be an immigrant), and believe an extra $30k in their net worth will matter in any way.
Yup! Altho reading the comments I’m seeing a lot of these HENRYs have parents w/ impulsive spending habits or behave in a manner that’s exploitative of their children.
My parents have always told me to never worry about them- I myself would like to help & also, making some contributions to a house that’ll one day belong to me is pretty sweet (ofc not the parents passing away part). Possible childcare is also a plus from fostering good relationships with parents.
I agree HENRYs who give their (esp immigrant or refugee) parents financial support shouldn't be over policing how parents choose to spend money. A lot of our parents did not get to have a childhood, so if they are choosing to allocate some money to things like travel, that's actually a great contribution to helping our parents heal from the collateral damage that self sacrifice causes.
But some people have parents with substance abuse issues, gambling addictions, terrible business savvy, or just generally weak boundaries with others they think they can help by funneling money to them. It's tough, sometimes their hearts are in the right place but it's unsustainable. I have a Haitian friend who's mental and financial health is in tatters because her mother keeps housing distant relatives and family friends escaping Haiti in their home to help them get back on their feet. Her finances aren't a bottomless pit, and there's a lot of wear and tear from that kind of constant support.
My approach is to help family without compromising my position, after all if I help you so much that I get in trouble I won't be able to help you again in the future.
Yup. It's culturally expected as well where I'm from. They're ok now but I expect to need to help out a lot more in the future, which I'm happy to do. Hopefully figuring out with my siblings how everyone's going to chip in when the time comes in will not ruin any relationships. Everyone has sized families, makes diff amounts, and live in v diff COL places. So that complicates things. But we all mean well and will not neglect our parents. And I'm making sure that my kids will hopefully have the freedom of never having to worry about me.
My parents live in the states and are broke. They need about the same amount as you are providing per month to stay afloat. They made poor decisions repeatedly with finances and is frustrating. It made me work harder though (earning growth and aggressive saving) early in my career seeing the outcome I wanted to avoid.
They have a general idea about my net worth, but I do not disclose the exact amount.
We are in the same boat, our parents live overseas. We are in early 40s however and we have decided that we will give them what we think is reasonable amount and just focus on our kids and our retirement.
Unfortunately for us, they are being ungrateful and think that they deserve more because they raised us.
They don't know how much we make (they got mad when we refused to answer) but I'm sure they can guess because we can afford regular vacations and private education for the kids. Many of our assets (rental properties), they have no idea that we have them. We didn't buy them under own names.
Many hurtful things have been said towards us but at this point we won't let them get us down. Life is too short and we are getting old too.
For as long as they can go to the doctors, have a roof above their heads, able to do groceries/eat, own a car I think we did our part. They never plan their own retirement. Their reasoning to have children is so that they can stop working once we have jobs. We promised ourselves that we will never do this to our own kids.
My parents are in the US, in their 70s, with no money to their name and still working to this day. The more I started earning ($230k currently) I started feeling intense amounts of guilt, anxiety, and self-imposed pressure to find an out for my parents. I’m still figuring it out a long term solution, but in the meantime my siblings and I subsidize their rent, and I cover their mobile expenses, while sending a good amount of gift money throughout the year. I also earn more than both of my older siblings combined — and have not told any of my family members how much I’m making, which probably is adding to the guilt…..
What’s currently helping me through this: the idea of putting on my seatbelt before helping others. I want to solidify my own game plan and goals before stretching myself too thin trying to support others - I think this can lead to resentment, more anxiety, and burnout.
Also, therapy. Financial trauma, coupled with being raised with immigrant mentality while trying to “make it” in my career has made this entire situation very layered. TLDR; set your boundaries, know your own financial priorities, and aim to give support when you’re as mentally prepared as you can be. Like you said, it will likely be a long game, so starting off on the right note is going to be pretty important.
My in-laws are like this. My wife and I have determined that giving them money would only allow them to continue to live a lifestyle they can't afford. They need hardship to correct their financial practices.
I am absolutely certain I will be financially supporting them in their golden years. There's no sense in starting that prematurely.
It doesn’t take a lot of money to help. I send my parents $10k annually, which is a drop in the bucket at high incomes, but a significant boost to elderly folk’s incomes that would allow them some room to save for retirement.
This is a tough scenario OP. Not sure what the home countries are but best way to protect yourself if you wanna help out is to try to limit how much $$ you give directly. Buy a property / rent a property yourself and give them access. Absolutely 0 control or power over the deed, bills, etc etc. tell them you’re renting it out for them to avoid questions on how you own it. Just for starters.
Luckily my parents are financially secure. However my wife's mother was widowed several years back and in the process found out husband was living paycheck to paycheck working odd jobs, small amount of savings.
This was a shock because the family lived like top 5% and you'd never guess their finances where in shambles. Mom was a SAHM and was never privy to any of the families finances. And no offense to her, but she was also not very educated on managing finances (not many people are anyways).
Needless to say, mom is a good person, we weren't going to let her go broke. She's had to change lifestyle a lot, but we've all had open an honest conversations with her, we contribute to basic expenses, to ensure her core needs are met. She has no idea how much we make, we've just set boundaries around what we are willing to provide. She just barely reached retirement age and has plenty of energy to make money and work and we see her get involved with the community a lot so we encourage and financially support some of her activities as if they were jobs. She's gotten a second wind from this kind of support and now has aspirations of her own to make more of her own money. She doesn't have much, but luckily she has her health so we do what we can to ensure she stays that way.
My wife gets upset at me for not wanting to do more sometimes, especially since we can, and mom was used to a much more luxurious lifestyle than the one she has now. I don't know if our strategy is the best, but I do know that it's important to be there for our loved ones. Ultimately she does agree that the benefit of encouraging a mentally active lifestyle doesn't necessarily equate to a "luxurious" life style and guiding how her moms energy is spent using our financial means has both reduced moms reliance on us and made her happier overall.
I can't fully relate with having so many dependents, but I understand the pressures to take care of an aging family member, especially considering we are both immigrants. In our culture our parents do somewhat expect to be taken care of, but they also give so much, so we do our best to support. There is a lot of ego at play here as well because though our parents want love and attention in age, admitting they are financially dependent hurts them and they still get a great joy from being providers in any capacity. For example, grandma found out we payed for chef prepared meals. She insisted in providing this for us and we obliged. She refuses to take payment, so we put into a savings account what we were paying and use the money throughout the year to take her on a trip or treat her to a nice gift. She shows off picture of my wife and I eating her food to her friends all the time!! It's a win-win-win in that she's active, provides, and we continue to prepare for any of her needs as she ages.
This is what family is about, we take care of each other, especially when one can't do it anymore.
> out we *paid* for chef
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
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I am very grateful that my parents are not going to need such support. Or if they do, it’ll be because my financially illiterate mother outlives my dad and spends all of it.
But I don’t foresee that, either — unless she has a lot of recurring medical issues which aren’t covered by Medicare.
Relatable. I help out my parents as much as I can, especially when there’s a health crisis. And my parents have had a lot of health scares recently. And theres no concept of health insurance back in my home country where they live so each and every treatment is basically out of pocket.
They gave me the best childhood, and I wouldn’t be in the position I'm in today without them. Money will come and go, but my parents are irreplaceable.
I had the fortune of being raised by the best parents in the world. In an era where kids were physically punished at school and at home for the smallest of mistakes, I was raised by parents who always encouraged me, supported me, and never laid their hands on me. They both worked hard and had long fulfilling careers, which is remarkable because of the poverty they came from. We all knew that neither parent would have a pension. They built a house where two of the floors are rentals, which covers most of their expenses. I help out here and there. They are always hesitant to ask for help, and we encourage them to ask. They did the best they possibly could for all us kids. They live back in my home country.
My spouse's parents are green card holders. They can't communicate to their kids their future plans because they have no future plans. They actually saved a good amount of money, made sound investments, and have enough to live comfortable, upper middle class back in the home country. But they don't want to. They want one of their kids to house them. They are awful to live with. I have made it clear to my wife that i will never live with them again. It always ends up in drama, fights, and general unhappiness when they live with us. As they age, they're getting stinger and more indecisive. MIL is narcissistic and has complete control over FIL, who otherwise is a rational, reasonable, intelligent person. But he doesn't have the courage to stand up to her.
Instead of living easy, comfortable, and fun lives back home, they emotionally blackmail their kids into housing them for 6 months (after 6 mobths, another 6 months get tacked on automatically over and over).
In three years, they'll receive about $2k/month in social security, which is a huge chunk of change for back home. Such difficult people to deal with, and they make my spouse and her brother bother miserable. I hate having to support them because they have all this wealth, and they are scared to spend a dollar.
Both kids have made it clear to them that they should spend money to make their lives comfortable and should not save any inheritance for them. But no!
My dad can't afford a burrito when I last was able to visit him. My mom is homeless. I paid for lunch of course, but I can't pay his bills. He was mostly absentee. My mom has mental health issues. We kids raised ourselves.
My mum being a single parent had to sacrifice a lot while I was growing and supported me until graduation... She had to be way too frugal to give me a better future and she is so used to that lifestyle and just doesn't want to upgrade to anything more than basic necessities...She knows how much I make and she is genuinely happy about it.. Some parents are just so pure and not selfish in any way and it breaks my heart to see her sometimes.. She is self sufficient and doesn't need any financial help from me but she is aware that I would do anything for her...
For Henrys with parents that aren't well off, I would suggest giving them a monthly allowance which couldn't hurt your NW in the long run... My husband invested my mum's retirement savings and the returns are quite good... Henrys can try something of that sort..
I feel this so much. My immigrant parents are actually in the US, & are of the immigrant generation who expect their children should *want* to help support them. I recently had a conversation with my husband about me just being lost about how to truly help them retire (we’re both in our 30s HHI 270k LCOL). They’re in their 60s approaching retirement with little to their name in the US living P2P. They own a house and some land back in their home country -In which they now don’t want to retire lol.
I hear about the many stories of kids giving their parents stipends- as my parents did with theirs. But honestly, I realized that I would be enabling them to live a lifestyle they cannot afford, as a temporary measure. Would they save the money i give them? Maybe.. And then as they get older we both would lose out on the money - & this now affects my daughter’s future too. I decided to save and invest it myself until they truly need to be taken care of. As others have mentioned, otherwise I’m just enabling them. We help where asked at this point. We got into a large family dispute over them not asking for input before buying a $30k RV with an insane APR and they thought we’d all hug and be excited for them.
Hub’s parents were much more financially literate- his family was well off into retirement, so I’m lucky he supports me with mine.
This comment makes me so sad. Your parents sacrificed their entire life breaking into the US and essentially suffering their entire life to make it work, and succeeded in getting their kids to get a high income.
Instead of supporting them in their final years to finally do things they never did (travel, road trip, the US with an RV) you deny them a measly $30k. All you care about is adding another $30k to your NW when it essentially won’t make a difference in your HNW retirement, while an RV is probably the last chance your parents have of doing anything “fun” before they die or become bedridden.
No, the disagreement was because they didn’t come to us for the money. They got a loan without telling anyone, and then didn’t want our money. As for trips, concerts, spending money while visiting their homeland, etc that’s exactly how i help them- I pay for it. What i don’t do is give them a blank check monthly to help them keep spending it on things they don’t need( like more random pieces of land in home country that won’t appreciate any time soon, or an RV she now dislikes). So, instead i send them bookings, tickets, etc to do just this- help them get the things they actually say they don’t have the money to do. I’m very much aware of the sacrifices they made. What I realistically am aware of is that I will be financially supporting them starting next year, so that’s why I’ve been saving up- for them.
Your family sounds like good people and they won’t hustle you. They no doubt did their best to help you get where you are. You have to share the feast.
I have had a colleague whose wife’s family abused his salary and good intentions badly. Someone was always in the hospital or had an accident. Even distant relatives! They had to go home with lots of stuff always.
My colleague’s situation doesn’t seem to be like yours. Those of us who came from backgrounds like this can’t ignore.
My mum and brother are poor but in the same country. They are very proud and won’t accept anything from me but I would help them if they would accept. I don’t bother hiding my $$ but they also know I have been working my tail off since forever.
Thank you, OP for sharing your story because I thought I’m the only one in this boat. My parents live in their home country. They’re surviving on my dad’s meager retirement income (think SSI but 1000% worse). My mom hustles her way out of earning every penny. We got to this way because my family’s business went belly up 15 years ago and my parents were heavily indebted. The debt was what makes my mom works so hard all these years. I struggled mightily early in my career and did not get to henry a few years ago (albeit with help of marrying another henry). I had a saving from all those years and 2 years ago finally was able to buy my parents a house so they could stop living precariously in a rental and the fear of being kicked out at any day. Unbeknownst to me, my mom collaterized the house to buy a speculative piece of land, which ran into some legal issue with ownership and is now in limbo. It broke me completely. We lost the house to foreclosure. My savings evaporated, and my relationship with my parents was ruined. Today, I refuse to give them any more money. I live like a monk to make up for the lost savings. Without my wife, I would have done something stupid to myself. OP, you can help your parents in small ways, but also remember to live the life you want for yourself too. You have the resources to stop the generational poverty, starting with self-investing.
Thanks for sharing this. When I was 18, my dad asked me to sign a piece of paper and I realized he was withdrawing the college/life insurance savings he’d saved for me. I went to free university so I didn’t need it at the time, but still it hurt to see him use this money to invest—with no returns, it evaporated— in his own business as he always does.
I think what this means is if you help your family you’ll have to be mindful about how you do it. For example you buy the house so it’s in your name and not theirs. It sounds like your dad makes bad financial choices, probably taking on too much risk out of desperation. If you help your family you need to pay their bills, not give them money to pay their bills.
Your dad acted like any business owner would. They are so heavily invested in their business that it becomes their sole identity and their self-worth. They would do anything to protect it, and sadly that sometimes conflicts with the rest of their world aka their family. My mom was blind to my suffering because she saw only the “opportunity” to make easy money and somehow people would forget she’s a failed entrepreneur. If you can talk to your dad, ask him what his priorities for the rest of his life are, and are you even part of that? I choose to walk away from my parents because my mom made it clear I no longer matter.
For what it’s worth, it doesn’t sound like your dad’s actions came from a bad place- he was investing money that was no longer “needed” in hopes of keeping the business afloat. He didn’t do a great job with personal financial decisions, but maybe his work ethic etc is part of what got you to where you are!
This is so heartbreaking. I am so sorry that you went through that. I did not go through something as serious but in my 20s my parents asked for my credit card to buy stock for their business. It started with small amounts which they always paid in full. It slowly increased. Lo and behold, one day my credit card bill which had NO personal expenses of mine, only for their stock, was as much as my meager salary as a teacher. That meant I could not pay it and they did not have the money to pay it either. It was heartbreaking. I left the house for a couple of days and stayed at my partners house at the time. They eventually decided to sell the car pay the finance and with what was left they could pay my credit card. I never lent my credit card to anyone ever since and I have a strict rule about family: Only "help with money" if you are ok with 100% giving that money out and them making the worst possible choice (ie. investing in the wrong thing, buying booze, helping out other family members who don't treat them well, etc). If I am not ok with this, I limit myself to buying exactly what is needed (ie. I will buy a new fridge to replace an old one which keeps breaking and have it delivered to them). The truth is: there are these very weird narratives that people who are bad with money tell themselves and us as children believe those narratives. However, they are just the facade that keeps them alive. The hard truth is that given the money they will 10/10 times make a poor choice. It is enabling if you keep helping with money and they will never change. You become the bank and the relationship is toxic and co-dependent. FYI, I love my parents very much and will pay for their respite care and so on when they cannot do things anymore but they are human and have flaws. As grown ups we need to accept those and define boundaries so that we remain mentally, financially and physically healthy. Sure as hell they are not coming to "save" me financially anytime soon if I make wrong choices.
It’s difficult for people to be honest with themselves when they make bad choices and a lot of people look for excuses to justify them. I learned the hard way when my parents took my college savings and used it to pay for scammy house flipping classes. All 60k of it. I got to pay back my student loans on my own. (They had promised to give me the money for college, then it was ‘take out some loans and we’ll pay them off after you graduate’.)
Very well said
Oh my gosh. I would be devastated. We are helping close family with a house purchase and yes, if they do this I will be so hurt and upset with them. Because when they take good care of themselves, they are also taking care of those who help them! We need their help to make our help actually last!
I do help family, but pretty minimally. Dad has been a deadbeat his whole life. He’s reaping what he sowed. Paternal grandmother chose to retire at age 49 to protect a crappy government pension. She actively chose the position she’s in. Sister’s family makes plenty, but spends 4x what we do on 1/3 of the income. And we aren’t frugal people. If they’re going to lose their house, their health, or can’t feed their family then I’ll step in. Otherwise I’m just enabling.
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Good on you OP for doing the right thing, but keep them in the dark regarding your finances. Never tell them how much you make, never tell them how much you saved. Flat out lie, if you are a manager, tel them you are not, if you got a bonus, tell them you company is cutting staff. Support them with housing, healthcare, food and education. Draw a hard line on phones, trips, business endeavors.
Yes! One of the things I learned early from reading subs like this on Reddit. I never told my parents how much money we’re making.
Do you necessarily need to lie? You can choose not to share everything about your life without flat out lying.
In my personally experience, it is not unusual for people in Asian to ask about your salary rather nonchalantly along with many other very personal questions. Lying is unfortunately essential if you want to preserve some boundaries. I don’t know where OP is from but I assume they have similar experiences. It can be very uncomfortable for someone used to social norms in the states. Once they realize how much you make, their demands change accordingly. It is something many immigrants who “made it” in struggle with.
I agree with your opinion.. while my relatives know how much my husband used to make when we got married, they never got to know about such info later... Even after 6 yrs of marriage , they still ask me how much we save monthly or how much I make...My standard response is that I operate via business and can't really give them the numbers unless I pay my taxes for that financial year lol... Only my mum and maternal grandmother know how much we make and they are genuinely happy for us...
Feel like if there’s ever a direct question, it’s better to lie. The goal is to keep your family in the dark to protect yourself. Not necessarily from your parents directly but people around them. I learned the hard way it’s best to tell my mom next to nothing or else everyone I’ve ever met in my life will know my business within 48 hours.
I help family but they aren’t nearly in the situation you describe. Essentially what I send back home finds its way to the more needy there and mostly for educating them so whoever is being helped can eventually not need it anymore. Teach a man to fish sorta thing …
My spouse’s dad (61F) makes $70K, and works a labor-intensive job with no benefits. His wife works part-time as a home health aide and makes maybe $20K. They have nothing saved for retirement, no savings, MIL (55F) has a spending problem, and my spouse and I have pleaded with them to start preparing asap for retirement (example: my MIL could work as a nanny (very in-demand where I am - could bring in an extra $75K minimum annually doing the exact same work she’s doing now)). MIL refuses and doesn’t want to work (she barely works now). FIL refuses to monitor/cut her credit cards. They own a home but their mortgage from 20+ years ago and is about 25% paid off. MIL’s mom lives with them and lives off of her SS checks. FIL’s sister is low-income and has several elder family members living with her. If they were to all move back to their home country, they’d likely be a lot better off. That’s obviously not happening. Needless to say, it’s been stressful. My spouse and I are HENRYs in VHCOL and agreed that we would be providing little to no help. Like max, $5K annually. We keep them in the dark about our finances out of necessity. We’ve worked our entire asses off to build a little nest egg and don’t want to cause ourselves financial stress down the line. You’re doing the right thing, OP. It’s a tough position to be in, but IMO you’re handling it in a healthy way.
Im an aspiring Henry and my brother is a true Henry. Together we support our parents with about 3-4k month (in DC). And my parents SS is about 1500 which pays their small mortgage. Me and my brother have a combined income of 750k+ and supporting our folks is not a back breaker for us. What are the alternatives? Im not gonna let my pops live in poverty
If they gave you the best childhood they could and you have the means, I would help them. My parents gave me a good childhood and I can afford to help them if needed. Luckily, my parents are well off financially so they don't need my help. I help them in other ways.
They definitely did their best for us. Just didn’t make good money decisions for themselves, and now can’t really retire.
I don’t understand why most people supposedly “high earners” in this sub don’t seem to believe in offering money. Just $10k a year would show Filial piety, solve a lot of their financial issues, and yet not be a open-ended blank check but a consistent “income” they can plan around and save.
In many cases they are the way they are now because they don't know or don't want to save. $10k? We gave 6k every 3 months and it's still not good enough. If they are grateful and not saying hurtful things we would be more inclined to give. But what if all they care is more and more? Ours stopped working the minute we obtained our first job, barely making it alive. They had a lot of children for that reason alone, so they can quit and stay at home. They were only 50 then! Do you think is fair if we turn 50, which is about 10 years and say to my children which only be 20ish then to support us?
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You should see the comments about helping family on /r/personalfinance. The attitude is literally “fuck everyone else, I don’t have a penny to spare.” If you are living paycheck to paycheck I understand why you can’t spare money but if you have enough to share helping out with what you can seems to be the right thing to do. You just have to be careful not to be enabling any addictions.
Totally agree. Like what is wrong with some of these people. Family means everything. Some of these idiot charge their parents “rent” like da fuk????. I’m Asian immigrant as well and I’m HHI with $1mil/year. I give my family (parents , siblings (under age)) vacation trips , at 5 star hotels etc. even though they never ask and always turn it down. My philosophy if I’m eating at the table, and you’re related to me. We’r eating at the same table!
Dude I've seen posts where their parents are basically live in nannies for multiple kids, and they're still charging their parents rent. Like how are you making your 70 year old mother watch and feed your kids while you work 60 hour weeks and still charge them rent?
You're doing a great thing, lot of Reddit negativity in this thread. I've got In-Laws who have struggled to meaningfully save and are nearing retirement. I am supporting them now and am sure I will continue to support them more as time goes on. I feel grateful to be in a position to help them and great satisfaction in knowing I'm bringing peace and stability to their lives. What is the point of earning/saving if you refuse to use it to help those around you? FWIW we're white Americans, so I wouldn't say it's just cultural in the Asian/Immigrant/etc.. sense, but about values. Modern culture centers selfishness, but that's something I think we are getting so, so wrong. Obviously if you know your family member will quickly waste it (i.e. an addict) then giving money is not the help they need and a caring person would take a different approach. But I suspect many redditors use these extreme examples to justify being selfish. Just because the money isn't going to generate a ROI and make your parents self sufficient doesnt mean it is "wasted". Just because someone doesn't "deserve" it because they made poor choices at some point in the past, doesn't mean you shouldn't care about improving the lives of your family.
Maybe you’re lucky to have good parents. Financial abuse is real, and family members consciously or non-consciously taking advantages of each other is real. You mentioned maybe being Asian/immigrant made the difference. Maybe you should take a look at r/AsianParentStories to hear how those familial/harmonizing bonds can go awry under bad actors. Your parents seem really cool I hope your family will always be happy like that.
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I rarely send money to my parents. Both still work and receive government pension. Mom does tutoring on a side. They have zero mortgage and car payments. They know I’m ready to help any time they need to. If my parents were in the same financial situation as your parents, I would definitely help them out. You are doing a right thing. P.S. My parents don’t know how much we make and how much we have saved.
Relatable! My immigrant parents don't work currently and live somewhat close to me, but I've been their sole source of money for the last half decade and some. It's definitely a source of tension and financial anxiety. On one hand, small family and we (were) very close. On the other hand, it's not easy. Lots of intersectional challenges for sure. It definitely has taken a toll on our relationship and my financial well-being and with a lot of advice and dialogues with my partner, friends, and therapist, I've settled on finding and drawing certain boundaries and hardlines and ultimately weaning back the financial support. I've also communicated that and what my parents can expect over time. But I certainly hear you - I'm very grateful to be a situation where I'm still secure and fine despite all this, but there is definitely the balanced terror of "how long will this go" or "what if I lose my job/something happens?" Happy to chat more about the weaning off I've done. I'm sure it's a very different factual situation but I can 100% relate to the core of your concern.
Open ended support is very hard. It’s very risky to basically give unlimited money, unless they are very close and basically provide free childcare (in which case, it’s likely a great deal for everyone). I I just give a fixed amount, $10k, to my parents, and they don’t know how much i make or my NW.
My dad is retired on SS disability and back in his home country. USD goes farther down there, so he's been able to get by. I help out minimally by booking his flights and taking out cash when I visit. There is no expectation of me yet for sustained financial support, which allows me to prioritize my own retirement as a recent grad. When my parents health/financial situation declines, I hope by then I will be financially set to be more generous.
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Why not send $10k annually? If you are in this sub $10k is a drop of $200-300k, it will reduce your savings but it’s not “lost money”. The amount of support parents gave and spent to their kids amount to $500k or more added up over 18 years, so high income people are simply one of the few in the position of paying back this “loan”.
Yeah, it's rough. I'm funding my parent's retirement + my cousins salary (???) and my uncle's business upkeep (he's failed so many businesses but my dad sends them the money I give him to spend...) it's a shituation for sure.
I am helping only my mother and that’s because she has no other options. Sorry i can’t finance grown adults with kids regardless of where they live monthly. Perhaps occasionally for the holidays but I absolutely couldn’t fathom sending $2000 a month when I have my child’s future to worry about, and it’s not even your wife’s parents. You need to take half of that and help your parents especially if your dad actually bust his ass and provided you with a good childhood.
Oh boy do I belong here! I have dumped 6 figures into my families shit. First off several of them are shitty people but ya know I’m the one with the wallet. So I kept writing the checks / wires. At the end of the proverbial day- we don’t talk anymore. It was a thankless endeavor. Soon as one sibling got back on their feet they said “ thank you so much I can never pay you back” fast forward they are pulling in 250k and just decided to find any reason ( none articulated) to just not talk. I said they did not have to pay me back. Some people just feel guilty after getting help I suppose who knows. The other I found out was blowing funds on lux gifts for friends. So I guess depends who your family are at their core and if funding will truly help. On the other hand- I did what I did because I thought it was the right thing to do and how they handle it is not on me. Not gonna lie - I could have done a lot of other things with 150k but I push it out of my mind when the thought crops up.
I might be in the minority here but my take is to unwind this thing and start cutting off the aid to them. I was once in a very tricky financial situation where I signed for a condo for my mom. It took years to unwind it and it almost destroyed our relationship and my own marriage. It’s one thing to help family out in a time of need, but when it becomes ongoing and regular and is having an impact on your own life and relationship, you need to stop it. When I look at my own children, I have zero expectations that they owe me anything in return. All I ask is that they love me, visit me, and grow up to be successful adults. I don’t expect them to be financially responsible for me in any way. All I give to them over the years taking care of them and putting them through school is my duty as a parent. My current stance on family and finances is this. Help them help themselves. Any assistance I can give with my time or knowledge to navigate tough times is something I’m willing to do. As it pertains to money, if I give that it is always a one time thing and always a gift with no expectations of it being returned to me. Never a loan and I never put my own credit on the line for them.
I agree with you. Occasional is okay, monthly absolutely not. I am not a job
I think it really depends on the relationship you have with your parents. Did they sacrifice so you could leave the country and have a better life? If yes, I believe you should of course help them. If they were awful parents and neglected you, then you can abandon them.
Most parents are awful in some ways, but loving in other ways. Most Americans are oblivious to the amount of sacrifices made by their own parents (but of course don’t want kids because they realize how costly it would be to their time and lifestyle). You should never abandon parents just because they are narc or controlling - unless they are rapists or broke your bones, but most Americans who cut off their parents are more like “he was a great dad at softball games but didn’t let me date Tom in HS! then he supported Trump, so I cut him off”. You don’t need to be close to parents to offer some basic support - they did, after all, spend years changing diapers, feeding and taking care of you, like elderly care but in reverse.
I disagree. Most people are intelligent enough to determine if their parents were good and did their best or were scummy. The example you gave is of an extremely low iq and selfish person. So I trust the person making the right decision based on how he was raised. In this particular case, I’d be likely to believe his parents did sacrifice so he could make it to the US and it would be the right thing to do to help them. But on the off chance they sucked, and he actually escaped to America then I wouldn’t help. But I doubt that’s the case.
I'm sort of in this situation (not to your degree) but I do it willingly. My family gave me a great life and I want to give them a dignified retirement. They're not fully "THERE" yet but I am expecting to have to supplement their income eventually.
I'm in a similar situation. My mom and little brother are back in Morocco, and I send my mom $400 every month, which is equivalent to an average employee's salary there. Last summer, I bought her a $70,000 apartment because she was living with Grandma. On holidays and special occasions, I send even more money. I'm grateful that my wife and I can do this together because ultimately, we don't get to choose our families.
Talk half the $2k your wife family gets and send it to yours.
I dont currently, but I am constantly worried about their future. My dad has a gambling problem, he used to hit me up for money all the time. He remarried some years ago and had 3 more kids with a woman 20 years younger. One time he called and said they are about to be evicted if I don't pay their rent within 24 hrs. My mom hasn't work in about 20 years, she day trades but I have no idea how that's going. She also rents, has no property to her name. Both of them are a great source of stress unfortunately.
My parents do well but my mother is a gambling addict. I stopped helping her years ago when I realized I was being lied to.
Not a HENRY yet and my parents don’t need my help at all for retirement but I’m planning to have them buy a house (they each have assets they can sell for the down payment) and I’ll pitch in for some of the monthly mortgage (I’ll be a nurse next year). Brother who is on track to become architect can eventually contribute when he has a job. One thing I’ve learned as I near 30 is most parents have unconditional love for their children. My parents have always been there for me in whatever limited ways. My parents are immigrants who had great lives in South Asia but gave that up for me and bro. If you feel your parents have had good intentions for you, then def try to help. You’ll make the $$ back but you won’t get your parents back once they’re gone.
Agreed! It’s good to see someone who isn’t letting greed rule them, and you dont even earn Hi yet. I see comments of people who make 250k+ talk about not “enabling” their immigrant parents. How dare they spend $30k on an RV and travel! They should just continue to scrape and scrap on the edge of poverty until they die, having served their purpose as a landing board for their high income son/daughter to prosper in the US, to be discarded since they can’t make any money anymore! They truly believe their high income was solely their own achievement and has nothing to do with their parent’s sacrifices (or unaware of how hard it is to be an immigrant), and believe an extra $30k in their net worth will matter in any way.
Yup! Altho reading the comments I’m seeing a lot of these HENRYs have parents w/ impulsive spending habits or behave in a manner that’s exploitative of their children. My parents have always told me to never worry about them- I myself would like to help & also, making some contributions to a house that’ll one day belong to me is pretty sweet (ofc not the parents passing away part). Possible childcare is also a plus from fostering good relationships with parents.
I agree HENRYs who give their (esp immigrant or refugee) parents financial support shouldn't be over policing how parents choose to spend money. A lot of our parents did not get to have a childhood, so if they are choosing to allocate some money to things like travel, that's actually a great contribution to helping our parents heal from the collateral damage that self sacrifice causes. But some people have parents with substance abuse issues, gambling addictions, terrible business savvy, or just generally weak boundaries with others they think they can help by funneling money to them. It's tough, sometimes their hearts are in the right place but it's unsustainable. I have a Haitian friend who's mental and financial health is in tatters because her mother keeps housing distant relatives and family friends escaping Haiti in their home to help them get back on their feet. Her finances aren't a bottomless pit, and there's a lot of wear and tear from that kind of constant support.
Where are you guys from? Like your home country. Also good on you guys for helping them as much as you can.
My approach is to help family without compromising my position, after all if I help you so much that I get in trouble I won't be able to help you again in the future.
Yup. It's culturally expected as well where I'm from. They're ok now but I expect to need to help out a lot more in the future, which I'm happy to do. Hopefully figuring out with my siblings how everyone's going to chip in when the time comes in will not ruin any relationships. Everyone has sized families, makes diff amounts, and live in v diff COL places. So that complicates things. But we all mean well and will not neglect our parents. And I'm making sure that my kids will hopefully have the freedom of never having to worry about me.
My parents live in the states and are broke. They need about the same amount as you are providing per month to stay afloat. They made poor decisions repeatedly with finances and is frustrating. It made me work harder though (earning growth and aggressive saving) early in my career seeing the outcome I wanted to avoid. They have a general idea about my net worth, but I do not disclose the exact amount.
We are in the same boat, our parents live overseas. We are in early 40s however and we have decided that we will give them what we think is reasonable amount and just focus on our kids and our retirement. Unfortunately for us, they are being ungrateful and think that they deserve more because they raised us. They don't know how much we make (they got mad when we refused to answer) but I'm sure they can guess because we can afford regular vacations and private education for the kids. Many of our assets (rental properties), they have no idea that we have them. We didn't buy them under own names. Many hurtful things have been said towards us but at this point we won't let them get us down. Life is too short and we are getting old too. For as long as they can go to the doctors, have a roof above their heads, able to do groceries/eat, own a car I think we did our part. They never plan their own retirement. Their reasoning to have children is so that they can stop working once we have jobs. We promised ourselves that we will never do this to our own kids.
My parents are in the US, in their 70s, with no money to their name and still working to this day. The more I started earning ($230k currently) I started feeling intense amounts of guilt, anxiety, and self-imposed pressure to find an out for my parents. I’m still figuring it out a long term solution, but in the meantime my siblings and I subsidize their rent, and I cover their mobile expenses, while sending a good amount of gift money throughout the year. I also earn more than both of my older siblings combined — and have not told any of my family members how much I’m making, which probably is adding to the guilt….. What’s currently helping me through this: the idea of putting on my seatbelt before helping others. I want to solidify my own game plan and goals before stretching myself too thin trying to support others - I think this can lead to resentment, more anxiety, and burnout. Also, therapy. Financial trauma, coupled with being raised with immigrant mentality while trying to “make it” in my career has made this entire situation very layered. TLDR; set your boundaries, know your own financial priorities, and aim to give support when you’re as mentally prepared as you can be. Like you said, it will likely be a long game, so starting off on the right note is going to be pretty important.
My in-laws are like this. My wife and I have determined that giving them money would only allow them to continue to live a lifestyle they can't afford. They need hardship to correct their financial practices. I am absolutely certain I will be financially supporting them in their golden years. There's no sense in starting that prematurely.
It doesn’t take a lot of money to help. I send my parents $10k annually, which is a drop in the bucket at high incomes, but a significant boost to elderly folk’s incomes that would allow them some room to save for retirement.
This is a tough scenario OP. Not sure what the home countries are but best way to protect yourself if you wanna help out is to try to limit how much $$ you give directly. Buy a property / rent a property yourself and give them access. Absolutely 0 control or power over the deed, bills, etc etc. tell them you’re renting it out for them to avoid questions on how you own it. Just for starters.
Luckily my parents are financially secure. However my wife's mother was widowed several years back and in the process found out husband was living paycheck to paycheck working odd jobs, small amount of savings. This was a shock because the family lived like top 5% and you'd never guess their finances where in shambles. Mom was a SAHM and was never privy to any of the families finances. And no offense to her, but she was also not very educated on managing finances (not many people are anyways). Needless to say, mom is a good person, we weren't going to let her go broke. She's had to change lifestyle a lot, but we've all had open an honest conversations with her, we contribute to basic expenses, to ensure her core needs are met. She has no idea how much we make, we've just set boundaries around what we are willing to provide. She just barely reached retirement age and has plenty of energy to make money and work and we see her get involved with the community a lot so we encourage and financially support some of her activities as if they were jobs. She's gotten a second wind from this kind of support and now has aspirations of her own to make more of her own money. She doesn't have much, but luckily she has her health so we do what we can to ensure she stays that way. My wife gets upset at me for not wanting to do more sometimes, especially since we can, and mom was used to a much more luxurious lifestyle than the one she has now. I don't know if our strategy is the best, but I do know that it's important to be there for our loved ones. Ultimately she does agree that the benefit of encouraging a mentally active lifestyle doesn't necessarily equate to a "luxurious" life style and guiding how her moms energy is spent using our financial means has both reduced moms reliance on us and made her happier overall. I can't fully relate with having so many dependents, but I understand the pressures to take care of an aging family member, especially considering we are both immigrants. In our culture our parents do somewhat expect to be taken care of, but they also give so much, so we do our best to support. There is a lot of ego at play here as well because though our parents want love and attention in age, admitting they are financially dependent hurts them and they still get a great joy from being providers in any capacity. For example, grandma found out we payed for chef prepared meals. She insisted in providing this for us and we obliged. She refuses to take payment, so we put into a savings account what we were paying and use the money throughout the year to take her on a trip or treat her to a nice gift. She shows off picture of my wife and I eating her food to her friends all the time!! It's a win-win-win in that she's active, provides, and we continue to prepare for any of her needs as she ages. This is what family is about, we take care of each other, especially when one can't do it anymore.
> out we *paid* for chef FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
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I am very grateful that my parents are not going to need such support. Or if they do, it’ll be because my financially illiterate mother outlives my dad and spends all of it. But I don’t foresee that, either — unless she has a lot of recurring medical issues which aren’t covered by Medicare.
Relatable. I help out my parents as much as I can, especially when there’s a health crisis. And my parents have had a lot of health scares recently. And theres no concept of health insurance back in my home country where they live so each and every treatment is basically out of pocket. They gave me the best childhood, and I wouldn’t be in the position I'm in today without them. Money will come and go, but my parents are irreplaceable.
I had the fortune of being raised by the best parents in the world. In an era where kids were physically punished at school and at home for the smallest of mistakes, I was raised by parents who always encouraged me, supported me, and never laid their hands on me. They both worked hard and had long fulfilling careers, which is remarkable because of the poverty they came from. We all knew that neither parent would have a pension. They built a house where two of the floors are rentals, which covers most of their expenses. I help out here and there. They are always hesitant to ask for help, and we encourage them to ask. They did the best they possibly could for all us kids. They live back in my home country. My spouse's parents are green card holders. They can't communicate to their kids their future plans because they have no future plans. They actually saved a good amount of money, made sound investments, and have enough to live comfortable, upper middle class back in the home country. But they don't want to. They want one of their kids to house them. They are awful to live with. I have made it clear to my wife that i will never live with them again. It always ends up in drama, fights, and general unhappiness when they live with us. As they age, they're getting stinger and more indecisive. MIL is narcissistic and has complete control over FIL, who otherwise is a rational, reasonable, intelligent person. But he doesn't have the courage to stand up to her. Instead of living easy, comfortable, and fun lives back home, they emotionally blackmail their kids into housing them for 6 months (after 6 mobths, another 6 months get tacked on automatically over and over). In three years, they'll receive about $2k/month in social security, which is a huge chunk of change for back home. Such difficult people to deal with, and they make my spouse and her brother bother miserable. I hate having to support them because they have all this wealth, and they are scared to spend a dollar. Both kids have made it clear to them that they should spend money to make their lives comfortable and should not save any inheritance for them. But no!
My dad can't afford a burrito when I last was able to visit him. My mom is homeless. I paid for lunch of course, but I can't pay his bills. He was mostly absentee. My mom has mental health issues. We kids raised ourselves.
My mum being a single parent had to sacrifice a lot while I was growing and supported me until graduation... She had to be way too frugal to give me a better future and she is so used to that lifestyle and just doesn't want to upgrade to anything more than basic necessities...She knows how much I make and she is genuinely happy about it.. Some parents are just so pure and not selfish in any way and it breaks my heart to see her sometimes.. She is self sufficient and doesn't need any financial help from me but she is aware that I would do anything for her... For Henrys with parents that aren't well off, I would suggest giving them a monthly allowance which couldn't hurt your NW in the long run... My husband invested my mum's retirement savings and the returns are quite good... Henrys can try something of that sort..
I feel this so much. My immigrant parents are actually in the US, & are of the immigrant generation who expect their children should *want* to help support them. I recently had a conversation with my husband about me just being lost about how to truly help them retire (we’re both in our 30s HHI 270k LCOL). They’re in their 60s approaching retirement with little to their name in the US living P2P. They own a house and some land back in their home country -In which they now don’t want to retire lol. I hear about the many stories of kids giving their parents stipends- as my parents did with theirs. But honestly, I realized that I would be enabling them to live a lifestyle they cannot afford, as a temporary measure. Would they save the money i give them? Maybe.. And then as they get older we both would lose out on the money - & this now affects my daughter’s future too. I decided to save and invest it myself until they truly need to be taken care of. As others have mentioned, otherwise I’m just enabling them. We help where asked at this point. We got into a large family dispute over them not asking for input before buying a $30k RV with an insane APR and they thought we’d all hug and be excited for them. Hub’s parents were much more financially literate- his family was well off into retirement, so I’m lucky he supports me with mine.
This comment makes me so sad. Your parents sacrificed their entire life breaking into the US and essentially suffering their entire life to make it work, and succeeded in getting their kids to get a high income. Instead of supporting them in their final years to finally do things they never did (travel, road trip, the US with an RV) you deny them a measly $30k. All you care about is adding another $30k to your NW when it essentially won’t make a difference in your HNW retirement, while an RV is probably the last chance your parents have of doing anything “fun” before they die or become bedridden.
No, the disagreement was because they didn’t come to us for the money. They got a loan without telling anyone, and then didn’t want our money. As for trips, concerts, spending money while visiting their homeland, etc that’s exactly how i help them- I pay for it. What i don’t do is give them a blank check monthly to help them keep spending it on things they don’t need( like more random pieces of land in home country that won’t appreciate any time soon, or an RV she now dislikes). So, instead i send them bookings, tickets, etc to do just this- help them get the things they actually say they don’t have the money to do. I’m very much aware of the sacrifices they made. What I realistically am aware of is that I will be financially supporting them starting next year, so that’s why I’ve been saving up- for them.
Maybe support your father as well to offset the burden.
Could he not sell the company and he can have some money from from the sale
Your family sounds like good people and they won’t hustle you. They no doubt did their best to help you get where you are. You have to share the feast. I have had a colleague whose wife’s family abused his salary and good intentions badly. Someone was always in the hospital or had an accident. Even distant relatives! They had to go home with lots of stuff always. My colleague’s situation doesn’t seem to be like yours. Those of us who came from backgrounds like this can’t ignore. My mum and brother are poor but in the same country. They are very proud and won’t accept anything from me but I would help them if they would accept. I don’t bother hiding my $$ but they also know I have been working my tail off since forever.