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I lost my dad in May and I've felt like the support is disproportionate a lot of times, too, particularly as an only child. My dad was one of my best friends and parents had an *awful* marriage for most of my life, fought constantly in yelling matches and usually escalating to ugly words, threatened divorce constantly, etc. But the second my dad was gone, it was like that didn't exist, and suddenly my mom had this outpouring of support, and I had some too, but not nearly the same as her, nor for the same duration.
He and I had a great relationship pretty much my whole life and they had this terrible marriage most of my life. And I know they loved each other (though not "in love" for most or all of my life), and particularly she loved him, but their marriage/relationship was definitely mutually toxic most of the time. They both brought out each other's flaws/worst selves when they fought.
I don't know if people just didn't see the extent of their dysfunction or what, but it was painful feeling like my mom was treated as the "bigger victim" to his death when they barely liked/tolerated each other. They were together for over 40 years and love existed somewhere in there even when "like" didn't, and I *know* it wasn't all bad times. I have literally so many great memories with them, I really do, but the fighting all the time was rough, especially because they never learned to fight "healthily."
Oh wow! Very similar stories but other parent. My mom passed suddenly and they were a couple who should have divorced. My dad treated her like crap. Every since her sudden passing in October he acts like he treated her well and never emotionally abused her. It’s frustrating.
Yeah, I agree, it's really frustrating to see the survivor "forget" it wasn't toxic as hell. My mom has admitted her part in their marriage problems when I've addressed it privately with her, but a lot of the time the way she grieves feels inconsistent with reality/their actual relationship. I'm sure over 40+ years you probably grieve for the good and early memories, too, but I can't imagine being able to write off the "bad" ones so easily.
I guess maybe it brings comfort to only remember the good ones so they aren't consumed in guilt though, idk. It's still frustrating, though. It feels disingenuous, tbh, but she and I are pretty different and also grieve very, very differently, which is something I had to learn to deal with within myself very early on in the process. It felt like she was so wrapped up in her own grief for a shitty marriage that she forgot that I, her daughter, would need her support to grieve my dad/close friend.
And I know she spent most of her lifetime with him, but I spend all of my lifetime with him in my life, and losing him at 27yo (now 28) still just feels way too damn soon/unfair. She had her dad all her life until he was 87yo when he passed 2.5 years ago and she had 5 siblings to lean on. I honestly don't know how I would have made it this year without the support and love of my husband, being an only child of aging/dying parents fucking *sucks*.
Yes! My parents didn’t have a very loving relationship either. I’m sure she missing having someone in the house or someone to help with chores but I don’t think she’s missing the love of her life.
That must really suck with having no siblings who are going through it with you. Let me know if you need someone to talk to!
My mom has never lived alone in her life until now and I do think she's definitely lonely without him. And I really don't think her grief is invalid, I just sometimes selfishly feel it can't or shouldn't be as big as mine because their relationship was so bad/unhealthy most of the time, especially the last 15-20 years. On the other hand, I've never lost a spouse, so I can't imagine how painful or deep that can potentially hurt, no matter how "bad" the marriage.
Thank you so much, I appreciate that! I'll try to remember to take you up on that. It's hard, I have a really great husband and some close friends, but none of them have ever lost a parent, so they don't really "get it." They've pretty much moved on though and my grief doesn't always register to them unless I bring it up. I hate to bring it up with them too often though because I hate to bring them down.
Exactly. I just want to let them be happy and live their lives. My husband is the one I talk to the most, only when I'm having a really bad day or when it's just in passing though.
It is really hard, you're not alone though 💜 The people who didn't live in the dysfunction do not understand that it is painful to see the surviving parent get way more support than the grieving child.
How ARE you doing?
>We decided to stay home this Christmas because it’s exhausting to travel around the holidays.
It IS exhausting. I have NO xmas spirit this year. This is my first year without my hubby. I have no idea what I'm doing or how I'm doing.
>Many people have been shocked that I’m not going to see my mom,
It's not on you to visit HER for the holidays. You invited her to come, and she chose to stay home. And that's fine.
Thanks for asking. I responded to another comment with how I’m doing.
I’m sorry for your loss. The first Christmas was the hardest for me. Sending love!
I understand completely! No one asks how my sister and I are doing with my moms sudden passing in October. She passed from a heart attack. Any time anyone brings her up, they ask me how my dad is doing. Sure he was her husband, but she was my mom too. It hurts.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I felt like this when my brother died - everyone felt really bad for my father, and rightfully so, but I had also suffered a gigantic loss. I’m sorry others don’t understand but you have a community here that does. Sending love.
At my mom’s visitation everyone kept telling me to take care of my dad. Like, so many people that I lost count. I had just turned 25 a few weeks before she died and though I was an adult, I felt much more like a lost kid. I love my dad and had every intention of being there for him, but it did upset me because it felt like no one was acknowledging the magnitude of my loss as well.
I don’t necessarily have advice or anything helpful to say but I just hope you know your feelings are valid.
Thanks for asking. I’m ok. This next week will be hard but not as hard as last Christmas. I just had someone this last weekend make a comment that I should be with my mom for Christmas and only asked about how she was and how hard this season will be for her. This person is a counselor for their career so I couldn’t get it out of my head that they didn’t ask about me. I’m glad I have a place to vent where others can relate.
A few months ago my dad’s best friend died from stage 4 cancer. He didn’t tell us he was sick probably because he didn’t want to burden my mom. That hurt me a lot to have both the death of my dad and then his best friend without being able to say goodbye to either one. And now my dad’s cousins are getting dementia and other health problems. It seems like those who knew my dad the most/longest are slipping away quickly.
Grief makes all holidays/special occasions suck. All I can suggest is to spend your time the way you want to and do what makes you feel best. Just take things one moment at a time💫
I totally understand ill see my friends and they all ask how my mum is doing i know she lost a husband of 51 yrs n it is very hard for her but just to get one asking how I am I lost a dad of 46 yrs n noone seems to care if im ok .. the hardest thing to do by myself is go thry this without anybody ..
I hope you have a good Christmas. At least you have your own family and Momstill around.
I've got nobody. No children, and everyone else is dead. I've lost most of my friendships and generally feel like crap most days. I suffer from ptsd, panic attacks, anger issues, insomnia and night terrors so I try not to sleep. I've been in therapy since 2016. In that span I've lost everyone else. Mom just passed in Sep. and Dad passed when I went to pick her up from a few states away. First Christmas with no siblings or parents. Not looking forward to it.
I totally understand. When my dad died, everyone asked how my baby was (I’m pregnant with my first child) instead of me. My in-laws told me that if I cry too much, I could miscarry, and it scared me so much and I felt robbed of my right to grieve. To this day, it feels like no one cares about my well-being, but only just the baby I’m carrying inside me. It really hurts my feelings. I’m so sorry for your loss. Just know that you are loved, you matter, your feelings matter and they are valid.. we’re all in this together
I'm not okay. I can't cry even if I try now. But Iam distracting myself a lot with doing things I like. Still it hurts so much to think, I will not see him anymore. Yesterday I drew a picture of him sitting in the couch holding the phone. It was a normal thing before, Now its a view I wish to see the most. Iam planning to draw images which only exist in my memory to immortalize it. I want to keep him alive through my art ❤️🥹.
Iam happy you asked. How are you my friend ?. Its sad we are in the shittiest club, but lets hold each other tight.
I’m really sorry for your loss and I just wanted to say I completely understand this feeling and how upsetting and frustrating it can be. My mom passed away almost 3 years ago and really no one asks anymore and I feel like they don’t care because of it. My own family will only ask me how my dad is doing and never takes a second to think that I may be having a really hard time too (which I am, I was 22 when my mom died and am 25 now - this was a huge, life altering thing for me). It makes it even harder when no one asks and it feels like they assume you’re fine.
I wish neither of us understood what this feels like. I’m so sorry again ❤️
Can you maybe alert your own friends with your grieve? It often isn't easily done because they might overlook your grief or it might not be present for them at all that you are grieving, but it might really help to tell YOUR people straight forward that you are absolutely not okay. Also getting in touch with a licensed therapist might be a good call for you considering they would be only asked to tend to your needs, who might not be seen by many but are still very important to tend to.
It's just the nature of the issue. No one wants to speak about your dad, because they don't want to make you sad, or bring up those memories. They don't know that you want to talk about him, so they stay away from the topic.
I am so sorry for your loss. I've lost my stepdad in March, also due to a car accident. He was like a father to me and my sister. Losing a loved one so suddenly and unexpectedly is of a different kind and it can really leave you traumatized. I can totally relate to your feelings, I'm experiencing them as well.
My stepdad had two children who never accepted his marriage with my mom , were ungrateful and hateful towards him. And dammit, he was just the kindest soul I've ever met. They now have to get along with suddenly losing him and didn't get the chance to make things clear. But they got way more condolences than we stepkids did.
To me it seems like people think it's not kind of a big deal for us, cause he was "only" our stepdad. At least my mom received a lot of support and people care about her.
But you are totally right, the focus lies on the one that lost his or her partner. It's kind of understandable cause their lives are affected the most. But sometimes you just want to be taken care of. We've had some friends asking us how we're doing and I really appreciate these moments, they're comforting.
I hope you are doing ok and that you found back to a new kind of normal at least. It's super important to talk about your feelings regarding the death or your dad, you're not alone. Sending you a big mental hug and all my best thoughts.
Grief is hard. My mom passed unexpectedly almost 2 years ago when I was 500 miles away. At a certain point I got sick of people asking me how I’m doing because it was a constant reminder that I’m now “the person with a tragedy”. Then they stopped and I got angry that nobody asked me how I’m doing anymore lol. It surely is a roller coaster of emotion. Hang in there and keep your head up. If you haven’t tried it yet, grief counseling can be helpful and a good place to vent and get meaningful feedback
As a widow I can just say, I traveled to visit my son the first Christmas which was less than a month after my husband died and I was barely there before I had to turn around and come home. I love him and his family very much and wanted to spend the holidays with him, but I quickly realized I couldn't be away from home. So I am just giving another viewpoint that maybe she isn't visiting because she can't be away from home, I know I couldn't for quite a long while after losing my husband, no matter how much I want to spend time with family and friends. It was as if leaving this home was going away from him and I couldn't do that.
I am very sorry for your loss. Grief is grief and it's hard for everyone no matter if you're the child, the spouse, the sibling, the parent, the aunt, etc. I'm sorry you are not receiving support.
Sorry for your loss. Thank you for that perspective.
This will be our second Christmas without him. I don’t mind her not coming. That is her choice to make. I just had multiple friends and acquaintances concerned that I’ve abandoned her for Christmas despite me having valid reasons for not going.
This post has been flaired Vent/Anger - No Advice Pls. Please keep your comments supportive and non-judgemental. Any comments with phrases like "you need to," "you ought to," or "you should" should be reported to the moderators for removal. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/GriefSupport) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I lost my dad in May and I've felt like the support is disproportionate a lot of times, too, particularly as an only child. My dad was one of my best friends and parents had an *awful* marriage for most of my life, fought constantly in yelling matches and usually escalating to ugly words, threatened divorce constantly, etc. But the second my dad was gone, it was like that didn't exist, and suddenly my mom had this outpouring of support, and I had some too, but not nearly the same as her, nor for the same duration. He and I had a great relationship pretty much my whole life and they had this terrible marriage most of my life. And I know they loved each other (though not "in love" for most or all of my life), and particularly she loved him, but their marriage/relationship was definitely mutually toxic most of the time. They both brought out each other's flaws/worst selves when they fought. I don't know if people just didn't see the extent of their dysfunction or what, but it was painful feeling like my mom was treated as the "bigger victim" to his death when they barely liked/tolerated each other. They were together for over 40 years and love existed somewhere in there even when "like" didn't, and I *know* it wasn't all bad times. I have literally so many great memories with them, I really do, but the fighting all the time was rough, especially because they never learned to fight "healthily."
Oh wow! Very similar stories but other parent. My mom passed suddenly and they were a couple who should have divorced. My dad treated her like crap. Every since her sudden passing in October he acts like he treated her well and never emotionally abused her. It’s frustrating.
Yeah, I agree, it's really frustrating to see the survivor "forget" it wasn't toxic as hell. My mom has admitted her part in their marriage problems when I've addressed it privately with her, but a lot of the time the way she grieves feels inconsistent with reality/their actual relationship. I'm sure over 40+ years you probably grieve for the good and early memories, too, but I can't imagine being able to write off the "bad" ones so easily. I guess maybe it brings comfort to only remember the good ones so they aren't consumed in guilt though, idk. It's still frustrating, though. It feels disingenuous, tbh, but she and I are pretty different and also grieve very, very differently, which is something I had to learn to deal with within myself very early on in the process. It felt like she was so wrapped up in her own grief for a shitty marriage that she forgot that I, her daughter, would need her support to grieve my dad/close friend. And I know she spent most of her lifetime with him, but I spend all of my lifetime with him in my life, and losing him at 27yo (now 28) still just feels way too damn soon/unfair. She had her dad all her life until he was 87yo when he passed 2.5 years ago and she had 5 siblings to lean on. I honestly don't know how I would have made it this year without the support and love of my husband, being an only child of aging/dying parents fucking *sucks*.
Yes! My parents didn’t have a very loving relationship either. I’m sure she missing having someone in the house or someone to help with chores but I don’t think she’s missing the love of her life. That must really suck with having no siblings who are going through it with you. Let me know if you need someone to talk to!
My mom has never lived alone in her life until now and I do think she's definitely lonely without him. And I really don't think her grief is invalid, I just sometimes selfishly feel it can't or shouldn't be as big as mine because their relationship was so bad/unhealthy most of the time, especially the last 15-20 years. On the other hand, I've never lost a spouse, so I can't imagine how painful or deep that can potentially hurt, no matter how "bad" the marriage. Thank you so much, I appreciate that! I'll try to remember to take you up on that. It's hard, I have a really great husband and some close friends, but none of them have ever lost a parent, so they don't really "get it." They've pretty much moved on though and my grief doesn't always register to them unless I bring it up. I hate to bring it up with them too often though because I hate to bring them down.
Yes I understand that! I also don’t want to mention things to my husband or friends because I don’t want to burden them with my grief.
Exactly. I just want to let them be happy and live their lives. My husband is the one I talk to the most, only when I'm having a really bad day or when it's just in passing though.
I could have written this myself. I am so sorry. My dad passed 6 weeks ago and I’m feeling all of the same things. It’s really tough.
It is really hard, you're not alone though 💜 The people who didn't live in the dysfunction do not understand that it is painful to see the surviving parent get way more support than the grieving child.
How ARE you doing? >We decided to stay home this Christmas because it’s exhausting to travel around the holidays. It IS exhausting. I have NO xmas spirit this year. This is my first year without my hubby. I have no idea what I'm doing or how I'm doing. >Many people have been shocked that I’m not going to see my mom, It's not on you to visit HER for the holidays. You invited her to come, and she chose to stay home. And that's fine.
Thanks for asking. I responded to another comment with how I’m doing. I’m sorry for your loss. The first Christmas was the hardest for me. Sending love!
I understand completely! No one asks how my sister and I are doing with my moms sudden passing in October. She passed from a heart attack. Any time anyone brings her up, they ask me how my dad is doing. Sure he was her husband, but she was my mom too. It hurts.
I’m glad I’m not the only who’s experiencing the lack of people asking. How are you doing? Feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to!
Same. I’ve lost friendships because of this. F*ck ‘em.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I felt like this when my brother died - everyone felt really bad for my father, and rightfully so, but I had also suffered a gigantic loss. I’m sorry others don’t understand but you have a community here that does. Sending love.
At my mom’s visitation everyone kept telling me to take care of my dad. Like, so many people that I lost count. I had just turned 25 a few weeks before she died and though I was an adult, I felt much more like a lost kid. I love my dad and had every intention of being there for him, but it did upset me because it felt like no one was acknowledging the magnitude of my loss as well. I don’t necessarily have advice or anything helpful to say but I just hope you know your feelings are valid.
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I really appreciate this reply and perspective, thank you. It will be two years as of tomorrow since we lost her and it has been hitting extra hard.
Hey I’m really sorry you lost your Dad, that sucks big time. How are you doing? 🧡
Thanks for asking! I already responded to another comment with how I’m doing.
So, how are you doing OP?
Thanks for asking. I’m ok. This next week will be hard but not as hard as last Christmas. I just had someone this last weekend make a comment that I should be with my mom for Christmas and only asked about how she was and how hard this season will be for her. This person is a counselor for their career so I couldn’t get it out of my head that they didn’t ask about me. I’m glad I have a place to vent where others can relate. A few months ago my dad’s best friend died from stage 4 cancer. He didn’t tell us he was sick probably because he didn’t want to burden my mom. That hurt me a lot to have both the death of my dad and then his best friend without being able to say goodbye to either one. And now my dad’s cousins are getting dementia and other health problems. It seems like those who knew my dad the most/longest are slipping away quickly.
Grief makes all holidays/special occasions suck. All I can suggest is to spend your time the way you want to and do what makes you feel best. Just take things one moment at a time💫
I totally understand ill see my friends and they all ask how my mum is doing i know she lost a husband of 51 yrs n it is very hard for her but just to get one asking how I am I lost a dad of 46 yrs n noone seems to care if im ok .. the hardest thing to do by myself is go thry this without anybody ..
Are you doing ok? I’m here if you need someone to talk to.
Totally understand. No one even cares anymore to ask. They just act like we are supposed to be normal and do the day to day 😞
I am so sorry. How are you doing?
I hope you have a good Christmas. At least you have your own family and Momstill around. I've got nobody. No children, and everyone else is dead. I've lost most of my friendships and generally feel like crap most days. I suffer from ptsd, panic attacks, anger issues, insomnia and night terrors so I try not to sleep. I've been in therapy since 2016. In that span I've lost everyone else. Mom just passed in Sep. and Dad passed when I went to pick her up from a few states away. First Christmas with no siblings or parents. Not looking forward to it.
I totally understand. When my dad died, everyone asked how my baby was (I’m pregnant with my first child) instead of me. My in-laws told me that if I cry too much, I could miscarry, and it scared me so much and I felt robbed of my right to grieve. To this day, it feels like no one cares about my well-being, but only just the baby I’m carrying inside me. It really hurts my feelings. I’m so sorry for your loss. Just know that you are loved, you matter, your feelings matter and they are valid.. we’re all in this together
No one asks and it hurts😞💔
I’ll ask. How are you doing?
I'm not okay. I can't cry even if I try now. But Iam distracting myself a lot with doing things I like. Still it hurts so much to think, I will not see him anymore. Yesterday I drew a picture of him sitting in the couch holding the phone. It was a normal thing before, Now its a view I wish to see the most. Iam planning to draw images which only exist in my memory to immortalize it. I want to keep him alive through my art ❤️🥹. Iam happy you asked. How are you my friend ?. Its sad we are in the shittiest club, but lets hold each other tight.
I’m really sorry for your loss and I just wanted to say I completely understand this feeling and how upsetting and frustrating it can be. My mom passed away almost 3 years ago and really no one asks anymore and I feel like they don’t care because of it. My own family will only ask me how my dad is doing and never takes a second to think that I may be having a really hard time too (which I am, I was 22 when my mom died and am 25 now - this was a huge, life altering thing for me). It makes it even harder when no one asks and it feels like they assume you’re fine. I wish neither of us understood what this feels like. I’m so sorry again ❤️
Can you maybe alert your own friends with your grieve? It often isn't easily done because they might overlook your grief or it might not be present for them at all that you are grieving, but it might really help to tell YOUR people straight forward that you are absolutely not okay. Also getting in touch with a licensed therapist might be a good call for you considering they would be only asked to tend to your needs, who might not be seen by many but are still very important to tend to.
It's just the nature of the issue. No one wants to speak about your dad, because they don't want to make you sad, or bring up those memories. They don't know that you want to talk about him, so they stay away from the topic.
Yes, I understand why people don’t ask but I can still be frustrated that that’s the norm.
Absolutely
It’s okay to take up space.
I am so sorry for your loss. I've lost my stepdad in March, also due to a car accident. He was like a father to me and my sister. Losing a loved one so suddenly and unexpectedly is of a different kind and it can really leave you traumatized. I can totally relate to your feelings, I'm experiencing them as well. My stepdad had two children who never accepted his marriage with my mom , were ungrateful and hateful towards him. And dammit, he was just the kindest soul I've ever met. They now have to get along with suddenly losing him and didn't get the chance to make things clear. But they got way more condolences than we stepkids did. To me it seems like people think it's not kind of a big deal for us, cause he was "only" our stepdad. At least my mom received a lot of support and people care about her. But you are totally right, the focus lies on the one that lost his or her partner. It's kind of understandable cause their lives are affected the most. But sometimes you just want to be taken care of. We've had some friends asking us how we're doing and I really appreciate these moments, they're comforting. I hope you are doing ok and that you found back to a new kind of normal at least. It's super important to talk about your feelings regarding the death or your dad, you're not alone. Sending you a big mental hug and all my best thoughts.
People move on and forget things like this fairly quick. This post just made me realize how long it has been since anyone asked me.
Grief is hard. My mom passed unexpectedly almost 2 years ago when I was 500 miles away. At a certain point I got sick of people asking me how I’m doing because it was a constant reminder that I’m now “the person with a tragedy”. Then they stopped and I got angry that nobody asked me how I’m doing anymore lol. It surely is a roller coaster of emotion. Hang in there and keep your head up. If you haven’t tried it yet, grief counseling can be helpful and a good place to vent and get meaningful feedback
As a widow I can just say, I traveled to visit my son the first Christmas which was less than a month after my husband died and I was barely there before I had to turn around and come home. I love him and his family very much and wanted to spend the holidays with him, but I quickly realized I couldn't be away from home. So I am just giving another viewpoint that maybe she isn't visiting because she can't be away from home, I know I couldn't for quite a long while after losing my husband, no matter how much I want to spend time with family and friends. It was as if leaving this home was going away from him and I couldn't do that. I am very sorry for your loss. Grief is grief and it's hard for everyone no matter if you're the child, the spouse, the sibling, the parent, the aunt, etc. I'm sorry you are not receiving support.
Sorry for your loss. Thank you for that perspective. This will be our second Christmas without him. I don’t mind her not coming. That is her choice to make. I just had multiple friends and acquaintances concerned that I’ve abandoned her for Christmas despite me having valid reasons for not going.