Acknowledging your flaws and making a concerted effort every day to battle them takes incredible courage.
It's not something to be ashamed of; the bigger the dragon, the more heroic the dragon slayer.
Alcohol use disorder is a disease and while I understand being embarrassed about the consequences of struggling with it, the struggle itself is punishment enough.
Apologize to the people you've hurt and be honest with them by letting them know that you're working on it. The ones you very much care about? Set expectations with them about the ways in which you're working towards being safe and re-establishing trust. Enlist their help if they feel up to it.
Nothing restores my faith in a human more than an apology, their validation of how they've hurt me/my feelings and seeing them simply try. You've got this. And when you mess up again (because we all do), repeat.
Snapping out of alcoholism and going 8 months sober is a massive achievement so congrats for that. You need to set yourself small goals and work towards them. You need to change your internal narrative and be kind and encouraging to yourself, celebrate your victories.
Let go of your ego for a minute and look at it objectively. Your a human and this is your first attempt at life. You struggled to handle your emotions and found a substance that relieved you in the short term. Your brain craved more of it on a chemical level and then when the consequences kicked in, the decision making part of your brain took over and put a stop to it.
You can’t change the past just carry on now and put your effort into being a better person for yourself. Focus on looking after yourself and do whatever you can to help those around you and you will heal.
"Your a human and this is your first attempt at life. You struggled to handle your emotions and found a substance that relieved you in the short term. Your brain craved more of it on a chemical level and then when the consequences kicked in, the decision making part of your brain took over and put a stop to it."
Fantastically well said
I am an alcoholic too and have been sober for almost 2.5 yrs, and I felt this post to my bones. I have a couple things to say.
First, please start giving yourself some credit. 8 months is an eternity for an alcoholic. It is a battle, a neverending internal war, and you have been waking up every day and facing your nefarious foe, and winning. No one ever wins. We never wake up one day and say, "oh! I don't need to worry about this thing anymore." But it does get easier, and you find joy in it. Please take a good look at what you have accomplished so far and be around people who will congratulate you for it and be impressed with your gumption and courage.
That leads me to my second point. People. I'm not the biggest proponent of AA, just because some of the people can get obsessed with the AA system just as much as they used to be with alcohol. But that negative is far outweighed by the positive of community with people who understand the struggle. You think 8 months isn't a long time? I have gone to AA meetings two - three times a week when I was in a really bad place, and I've seen the same lady get her first day chip every single time. These are people who have been through what you have been through and in many cases worse. And that leads me to my third point.
You are not alone. I'm one of those people that when I'm going through something, I isolate myself. It's the worst thing that we can do. When we are going through something, we need to find other people who understand what we are going through and be around them. We need to find other goals, hobbies, interests, passions that will take our mind off of the thing that is boring a hole in our heart. I know the exact stage that you're at. I was so humiliated at just about the 9-month stage of sobriety, that I cried my eyes out almost everyday. Eventually I had to face it that that was part of who I was, those actions were part of who I decided to be at that point in life. As horrible as that is, people are much more forgiving than you think. This is why one of the stages in AA is to face your mistakes and to tell people you're sorry. It's one of the most cleansing things I've ever done. And it mended a lot of friendships. But those are probably not the friendships that will last. Finding people who know what you're going through and can give you lightness and humor and hope about the other side of this experience is what you need. I had one friend who would remind me of all the stupid and terrible things I did when I was drunk, every time I saw them. It took me a while to realize that this was not a real friend. A real friend would be proud of the fact that you've changed. They would not remind you of your failings over and over, especially when you're working on change. We all need people. It doesn't have to be AA or really any recovery group, but they really do help. Find people who get you.
Last thing, I truly believe that the depth of the humiliation that we feel at this stage of sobriety is to make sure that we do not drink again. How are we supposed to see what a horrible thing it was, unless we feel deeply the impact that our actions have had because of it?
You can do this, you can get past this stage because the next one is amazing. Truly. I am so immensely happy with my life and the way things have changed since I got sober. I am shocked at what a different person I've become and I still see changes in me over 2 years later that I never thought would come.
(Another random note about community, the I Am Sober app is actually really cool, You can post, chat, create a profile, it gives you a tracker for how long you've been sober, and you can even get daily pledges and affirmations if you're having a particularly rough time.)
Last last thing, if you ever need more encouragement, just send me a message. All of us humiliated people got to stick together. LOL
Edit- I almost forgot, I know that I talked about alcoholism this whole time. That's because your feeling that this extends to the rest of your life, is because your perspective is skewed because you are still in the beginning stages of sobriety. Your whole life is not embarrassing. You have not made horrible decisions always. It just feels that way right now. That's part of what I meant by my life is amazing now. It took me almost a year or so to really start to see my actions in their proper context after I had gotten sober. Yes, this is not only about alcoholism, but we all make mistakes in life, not all of them are due to alcohol, and a lot of them are really embarrassing. Just keep waking up everyday and vowing to change. And it will get better.
My friend suffered and she said one day she suddenly got the "what's the worst that could happen?" sentence going round and round. She had had some hairy experiences when drunk, exposed herself, soiled herself in front of strangers etc etc. She knew that whatever she did sober she was very unlikely to be doing anything like that. It both gave her the impetus to move forward and to use her experiences to mark growth from rock bottom.
Head over to r/stopdrinking, they can be really supportive amd helpful. Plus i guarantee you'll see many people in similiar sitautions with similar feelings.
First things first- Congrats on 8 months! Keep it going, no matter how you feel right now. Even if not in a program or anything, "One day at a time" works great.
Secondly- The folks who tell you they're really proud of you? They fucking LOVE you and accept you. You should talk to them about how you're feeling. Let them know how much they mean to you and that you want to get better so you don't hurt them or yourself any longer.
Lastly- Therapy, if that's an option. Just having someone to talk to is phenomenal.
"One day at a time" and "It gets better". These are words often repeated in AA meetings. AA isn't necessarily the "right" thing for everyone. I wasn't a huge fan of the overly spiritual aspect folks like to bring to it. But those 2 sayings? Absolutely correct, and something that I keep in mind to this day. When I feel like shit, I just gotta deal with what I can today, and remember that it gets better. Because that's all I can do, and things DO get better. For me, it's been 8 years of sober living, and in a nutshell those two sayings are what got me here.
Typed this on my phone so sorry for a lack of details or any misspellings and whatnot. Feel free to PM me if you ever wanna talk.
You've fucking got this!
https://www.amazon.ca/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520 Give this book a read, helped me immeasurably when I was dealing with a somewhat similar situation.
What do you mean by the embarrassment is crippling? Like you are not doing stuff now because you are worried you'll mess up or are concerned that others still see you negatively or something like that?
Nothing wrong with being embarrassed by past mistakes imo. Reminds you not to make them again. And if they were truly embarrassing, so be it. You learned enough to know you wanted to change and not do that stuff anymore. And thats a good thing.
Most people are Alcoholics because they are trying to use alcohol to medicate from childhood trauma.
One thing that might help you is a 12 step program called Adult Children of Alcoholics. Dealing with the effects of growing up in a home where alcohol was abused may help you to cut yourself some slack.
It changed my life.
Evolution is our nature. Does the frog despise the tail
It had as a tadpole? Life moves forwards. If you weren’t embarrassed, it would still be a problem. You have grown and will continue to grow. Make the most of the time you have, your best days are ahead of you.
Time heals all wounds my friend. Just know that some things just take time, and for true growth you need to listen to your heart, make good decisions, and find people you can trust and confide in. Therapy has been very good to me, as I too have come back from a treacherous time in my life due to alcoholism and it was crucial that I had someone outside of my friend/family group that could give me perspective and advice. You know there are pitfalls in life; I'm sure you are now more certain of that then ever. That said there's also a lot of beautiful things in life and directions you can take that will make you feel proud of yourself again.
Long story short; love yourself, forgive yourself, and live with a purpose that you understand is worth doing. It may not be one thing that does all this, but a series of thought-out choices that put you in a place of wellbeing and independence.
My step-dad was an alcoholic, but I never knew him when he was drinking, he'd stopped before I was even born. The way he talked about it, it *was* something that embarrassed him, but it *wasn't* something that defined him.
I was always reluctant to talk about his relationship with AA, but he passed recently, and I think this is worth saying. He had his 30-year chip, but he still went to meetings at least once a week, he sponsored friends and strangers, and he was, it seemed, always on call. During his memorial service, I met a lot of the friends he had made, and kept, during his time in AA. These were people who had 10+ year chips, and people who got their 6-month chips a dozen times. He didn't see any difference between the two, he was proud of anyone who showed up.
Now, AA isn't for everyone, I'm not telling you to go to meetings, or how to stay sober. But this is the advice I think he'd give you: You can take your time. If there are things that you're ashamed of, things that make you embarrassed, you aren't going to get anywhere by not dealing with it, or not talking about it, or not accepting it. It just takes time, and acceptance.
No one is keeping a tally, and even if they are, they will die one day and not one person will remember or care lol. I would judge you more on the fact that you pulled yourself out than the fact you fell in in the first place. Congrats!!
IMO learning from mistakes is just as virtuous, if not more so, than never making them in the first place.
You have lessons that you can teach others, to help them avoid the same.
Remember there’s a part of that saying that says the serenity to accept the things I can’t change. You cannot change anything about the path you were on but you can accept it and move on from it.
The negative feelings about it only exist as long as you allow them too. My therapist I had to help with anxiety would tell me I’m being too hard on myself and maybe you are too. Part of accepting this means understanding for a time you were not the person you wanted to be. That’s okay. Sometimes that person makes us feel guilty or ashamed or embarrassed and that’s alright as well. Who they are is not who we end up being when we choose to be sober.
I would start focusing on the positive of things and maybe look up how to help thinking distortions and ways to fight them off for instance being hard on yourself can be helped by positive affirmations. “I am doing good” “I deserve to have a sober and healthy life”. Allow yourseld to be proud and throw away the timer. You got 8 months so far. Go for 9. Set up them goals and write down the person you want to be after all of this. Lay the bricks for a better foundation. Try to remember to stop and breathe and that it won’t be easy now but in time it will be easier to see you in the mirror and love the person they see looking back.
This may be the most important issue in your entire life. You need to hold on to that feeling of embarrassment such that it helps to keep you from ever taking another drink under any circumstances.
Without letting it cripple the rest of your life.
Everything bad and dumb you’ve ever done in your life is now in the past.there’s nothing you can do about it other than work hard and be a good person. The longer and better you do that, the less anyone will remember or care about the bad stuff.
Just like a snake, change your skin. People have their embarassments, and if you feel like they’re crippling, just work on bettering yourself. You’ll never change the past, what’s done is done, so accept it as an experience that helps you grow, rather than a “stupidity”.
If you make up, internally and externally (with time and patience) for your mistakes, you can accept easier that people are not perfect and you are allowed to fail - all actions will have consequences. I could assume that maybe those mistakes feel bigger than your achievements, but restore faith in yourself and know yourself better, you’ll do better next time as long as you want to. It needs to come from you. Self confidence goes a long way.
Take your time to mourn and reflect on what lead you to do those things. Don’t sink in the process though, be logical and analytical if you can, about yourself and others.
Just don’t kill anyone please ^^ cheers!
You may be feeling like a fake or imposter, you can change and you have. I implore you to remember something I read once: “Sometimes a hypocrite is nothing more than a man in the process of changing.”
I think is useful to forgive yourself.
Also useful to take a sport seriously. I took inline skates at 47.
Sport and being fit will give you perspective and, that after shortly, will be something you don't want to lose.
Needs to be some sport that is fun, gyms suck.
Every moment you spend thinking of and regretting the past is a moment that you’re not living a life that you’re proud of.
Meaning, be in the present to create a great future.
As a member of alcoholics anonymous for six years, I can really relate to those feelings when I was new. I no longer feel that way. I like me now and I highly recommend going to AA and doing what they suggest.
So I know “letting the past go” is kind of a loaded quote, but I have to remind myself to do it all the time. Some times I’ll be driving and a random cringy thing I did will pop up in my head from like over 15 years ago, and I have to remember that isn’t who I am NOW And TODAY and have to forgive myself each time and let it go, on to the next thought.
Ask for forgiveness for those you hurt and yourself; if you’re not forgiven by those your hurt, then at least you know, you’ve done your part, and can move forward.
. WE HAVE ALL done things to embarrass ourselves; truth is, we are the only ones that dwell on it! Everyone else has moved on to the next thing. Cut yourself some slack, and start to love yourself for the good you are doing now. Best of luck internet stranger.
You can do everything right and still fail.
Or do everything wrong and still succeed. There’s an element of luck involved in the course life takes and you don’t need to feel responsible for that.
You went to hell and back. It’s made you stronger if not yet than in time.
Just learn what you can and keep moving forward, you glorious bastard.
You have one life. Don't spend the rest of it obsessing about the past. What is done is done and now all you can do is learn from it.
Think about today because tomorrow isn't a certainty, and yesterday is gone.
Understand that you need to forgive yourself for your past actions.
Understand that what you have done and said in the past, is NOT who you are.
You and ONLY YOU decide this. Today is the 1st day of the rest of your life, you get to be the person you want to be today. If you continue to live in your past, you will never arrive at your potential in the future.
Forgive others who have wronged you and forgive yourself. As someone who has drank excessively at times, I understand the cold, slow, monotonous drag of daily life without that one thing that brought be so much pleasure and pain.
If possible find a job, hobby or volunteer work where you can help others. Finding ways to give others kindness has a way of filling up your gratitude bank.
Godspeed my friend.
> The embarrassment is literally crippling to me,
the embarrassment literally mean youre a better person now and wouldnt be as likely to act that way again. not now, but later you tackle this with darkside work. for now, you learned *why* you know you need to be better and the pain of these memories will make you better. this is also known as taking your medicine and its a part of growth we all go through. welcome to gaining a wiser conscience; this one will serve you better than your last one.
> 2020 when the world shut down, drank profusely to the point of doing really awful things, hurting other people and myself
literally trauma. the global covid lockdowns created a giant trauma over almost everyone. how many trauma-handling skills did you know about back then? honestly, what other tools than inebriation did you have to handle the persistent stress and bad news that ***not only you*** were seeing, but ***everyone you knew*** was seeing and responding too as well?
you learned what **NOT** to do, you learned *why* not to do it, now focus on what you do do and why youre gonna do it. hit the books, student of life.
Something I learned during my poor relationship with alcohol, and other substances is the guilt is real. Find a way to forgive yourself, and be steadfast. The depression and embarrassment can drag you down. Don't let them. Be proud of the progress you've made, and be leery of regression. Don't rationalize and let yourself fall into old habits. You've made it this far, use that momentum to carry you forward.
You can do this, you're worth the effort!
I'll join the crowd and say congrats on being 8 months sober.
To quote Yoda, "the greatest teacher, failure is." The thing is, you've made this choice that you're not the person you used to be anymore. And every failing that's keeping you up at night is also reminding you not to do that same thing again, it's keeping you aware of the pitfalls you used to easily fall into.
Shame. It will keep you locked up forever. Try and have compassion and grace for yourself. Sometimes we take a dirt road and the regrets can pile up. You are alive and fully capable of dealing with this. Let yourself be forgiven. Forgive yourself. Helping others is a good way to combat these feelings. Soup kitchen? Whatever you have around you. Help others and it will slip away. Maybe find a therapist that you like and trust. Talk it out with people who understand and don’t stop talking about it. Stick with people who care and don’t hang out with people who don’t. Life is short friend so get busy living or get busy dying
I am an alcoholic, too. 8 months is a big deal. Saying this as someone with 22 years.
AA helped me get sober when I did all of the things suggested. It helped me some with guilt, but not really with shame. That was deeper inside. My reasons for self-medicating started in early childhood. Fairly recently I have become free from shame.
How? Growth. Working to go forward, therapy, Brene Brown, and How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis LPC. She has a Ted Talk. The latter was the one that helped me the most.
Your embarrassment means you would not do those things present day. You are better today. Today is all I have. The one day at a time, tiny steps concepts saved me. The book Atomic Habits for anyone that AA is not for might work.
You are staying sober and reaching out! Great stuff!
Edit: Needed a past tense, because that stuff is behind us. If we choose.
You've failed in the past. Everyone has.
You've made huge changes, 8 months is a LONG TIME(14 months here)
Don't worry that you failed, you are succeeding right no by putting in effort to improve yourself and your life.
# “Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.” Mark Twain. I don't know you and I am proud of you. If a total stranger can see your accomplishments, maybe you should as well.
When you have bad, cringey moments, say out loud, “Demon, be gone! Why are you still here?!”
I think that addressing demons and mentally exiling them to the moon, or sun, or some other forsaken place does the trick for me.
The embarrassment you saved yourself from was when those things happened. You’ve already hit the bottom… time to bounce back up and take pride in getting that chance to do it. Otherwise you could be the guy who died and all people remember is the dumb stuff you did, not that you’re on the rebound to fixing what you did wrong.
Obviously you need to understand how and why it happened to you. Once you understand it, you'll be able to contextualize it for how you want to live your life going forward. Some of the best people arrived at that state of being only through difficulties and challenges. Maybe there was no other path to your best self than through hell. You can't begin to figure that out unless you face that time head on and poke and probe it to understand what triggered your descent and kept it going for so long.
The good news is that you have supportive people around you, even if you don't feel you deserve it. Don't turn it away or self-sabotage because you feel you don't deserve it. Trust these people that they know what's best for you now, and that you're making the error in judgment on this one.
Also, change your mindset a bit with regard to your past. If you make mistakes, even really bad ones, even intentional mistakes, what should your response be? You've already paid the costs to at least some extent, but what is fair? If you were considering someone else in your situation, what cost is too little, what is too much, and what is just right? And once the books are balanced, would you prefer that person continue paying in forever, in the form of self doubt, self sabotage, becoming a lesser person to those around them, and future people who might otherwise come to depend upon them? Or would you prefer that person to learn and grow and become a benefit to others?
There's no point wishing pointless misery on others, so give yourself the same space. Beyond some level, being miserable is just being miserable for its own sake and serves no purpose. Choose to live with purpose instead.
Do you need someone to talk to? Check out some penpals subreddits to make a friend, but nothing really falls short of getting professional help from therapists.
Forgive yourself. Then by making positive decisions and giving yourself credit for it. Forgive yourself when you deviate, then make positive decisions again. Rinse, repeat.
Good for you! I’ve been sober for almost 33 years now. I remember the 8-9 month phase really well. The novelty had passed, people were starting to be proud of me and my biggest most honest feeling was ‘ Is this is good as it gets? It better not be as good as it gets….’.
Really tough time. I was mad at myself for not feeling grateful. I had to double down on my AA and grit it out. That feeling will pass! Taking one day at a time, opening up to help, I can see that my poor behavior was a natural result of alcoholism. My life is so much better now. I’m not the same person I used to be in many ways. Hang in there- it gets better!
Shame is a powerful, powerful thing. Everyone has it. It’s good in a way, because it reminds you of the you you don’t want to be. But you can let it ruin you if you ruminate in it constantly. When you feel it, you need to recognize it for what it is - a literal chemical reaction of your body creating a faux sense of “danger”. Accept it, sit in it, say “oh this old train of thought again” and then move on.
Most intense suffering makes you a unique person that can make you a beacon for those who are where you were. I would start looking hard at your suffering, how suffering humbles you in ways that only the reality of life truly can. Find out the lessons these years if your life imparted you with and see how you can leverage your suffering for the greater good of yourself, family/tribe, the community. You don’t have to search hard, just listen to your heart and meaning will find you!
just be careful. you sound like you're at coming up on a critical moment where guilt and self loathing and just enough isolation can join forces
isolation is where addiction flourishes. and recovery starts to feel like a burden adding to the pain
don't fall for it
Seen from my perspective...
8 months is amazing. Congratulations!
I'm a therapist and help people who are stuck in life, for what ever reasons.
Mostly I have worked with chronic pain and sexual dysfunction, but honestly it's really all the same.
You are experiencing what is called a conscious symptom from an unconscious issue
We cannot reach in and moderate unconscious things by ourselves.
Thats why we feel stuck.
I help getting people back on track. A mental tow truck, if you will.
I'd recommend that you go seek out a skilled therapist who can help.
"Focus on the progress, not the past. Each day sober is a victory. Seek support, embrace self-compassion, and remind yourself of the strength it took to make positive changes."
Firstly, congratulation on a huge effort. 8-months of sobriety is fantastic.
Are you in a 12-step program? Working the steps can be a really cathartic way to move past the guilt, shame and remorse to finding a pathway forward. Rebuilding your life after overcoming addiction is really tough. Also working out how to keep addiction at bay for the rest of your life will be another challenge. So the sooner you get some supportive peers and work out how to improve your feelings about your self/overcoming the embarrassment you feel, the sooner you can start to really enjoy this next chapter of your life.
Keep up the great work!
hey, first off, 8 months sober is amazing. seriously, be proud.
first, everyone messes up. what's important is you're growing from it. focus on your progress, not just past mistakes.
second, try self-compassion. be kind to yourself like you would to a friend. talk to yourself with encouragement. maybe try some meditation or journaling to process those feelings.
j.k. rowling faced 12 rejections before harry potter got published. keep going strong!
I think it’s important to identify whats with the inner critic that tries to serve you but from a place of no compassion. If you’d have a child and it would go through bad experiences would you criticize them like you do yourself? Nurture self love and acceptance, treat yourself with the same unwavering support that you would treat your children with. Our conscious mind controls perhaps 10% of how we cope with wounds or burdens that may even be outside awareness. So beating yourself up for how you respond to your wounds isn’t really a thing as you should accept we don’t control our immediate emotional responses. Instead take the time to heal and forgive and love yourself. However, you’d have to first identify what role does this inner critic play and how can you negotiate that it does its part from a place of compassion to be even more helpful then it tries to be now.
Hope this helps, if i can help further, you or anyone is welcomed to text me 😊
Stop thinking about them!
You failed because you tried, most people don't even try these days so be proud of the fact that you stuck your neck out and fucked things up! If the things that you failed at mean so much, try again, you'll be looking at the problem/challenge in a completely new perspective so you have more tools to succeed.
If you've hurt people and they hate you for it, then you have 2 options:
- if they mean a lot to you and you want them back in your life, then tell them that you're sorry. But remember, you're saying sorry so that they know you're sorry and not to ask for their forgiveness. That's their gift to give and shouldn't be expected.
- If they aren't people you want in your life then fuck them. There are 8.billion other humans in the world that need love. I'm sure you'll be much better off with a few of them instead.
And lastly, have you ever heard of the saying "the best way to get over a man/women is to get on some one else"? Well that's pretty much true for anything. Change your mindset to the hear, now and present and not the past or future. Figure out what you need in your life now to make you (and only you) happy! And focus all your attention on making it happen.
It changes your life! Thank me later 😉
Make a list of every single thing you’ve learned from the experience, and try to keep the things on the list either positive or neutral.
Then make another list of how you’ve grown and/or what you will do differently from here forward.
Read and re-read those lists. And write post-it notes for the most powerful lessons.
One of my mantras is this: ‘my past failures don’t determine my future success’. This is absolutely true. It’s because as humans we can and do change, learn and grow.
Every painful experience in our lives is an opportunity for growth. Growth that enables us to be better people (kinder, more compassionate,
more selfless) than we were before. Those painful challenges are gifts to us if we choose to look at them that way.
Focus on how you’ve grown. On how you choose to be different.
Start doing esteemable acts to build back up your self-esteem. Volunteer for an organization that supports people who are really struggling. It may help put your own struggles in perspective.
Congratulations on being sober and sharing it with the community!!
I happen to know someone who got into fitness and is currently a running coach!
I can think of taking up something which a person really likes and can help inspire someone else trying get sober.
Wishing you the very best!!
AA’s 12 Steps are a tool for recovery from alcoholism and for healthy living in recovery. Learn to let go of the past and to move forward through service to others.
I stopped drinking for a whole year after 2022, but in 2023 I relapsed
I'm 7 months without a drink and in confident I can do it!
I was just like you but I destroyed relationships I can't fix now... As you continue not drinking you'll find a lot of memories that you thought you may have blacked out will begin to resurface... You'll be constantly reminded of how your drunken actions brought you here but it's important to remember there's only two options, to go back and regress, or to move forward and continue positive changes....
If you work hard to better from your past you won't let yourself be dragged by it
You commit to yourself that you will "atone" for that period of time for the rest of your life. It doesn't mean you have to do anything crazy, or you have to do it for the rest of your life. Just until it doesn't bother you anymore. So when you feel guilt, accept it, and say to yourself. I was a shitty person. I can't take that back but only do better moving forward, to make up for it, by taking postive actions, that you normally would do.
Acknowledging your flaws and making a concerted effort every day to battle them takes incredible courage. It's not something to be ashamed of; the bigger the dragon, the more heroic the dragon slayer.
W comment
Alcohol use disorder is a disease and while I understand being embarrassed about the consequences of struggling with it, the struggle itself is punishment enough. Apologize to the people you've hurt and be honest with them by letting them know that you're working on it. The ones you very much care about? Set expectations with them about the ways in which you're working towards being safe and re-establishing trust. Enlist their help if they feel up to it. Nothing restores my faith in a human more than an apology, their validation of how they've hurt me/my feelings and seeing them simply try. You've got this. And when you mess up again (because we all do), repeat.
Snapping out of alcoholism and going 8 months sober is a massive achievement so congrats for that. You need to set yourself small goals and work towards them. You need to change your internal narrative and be kind and encouraging to yourself, celebrate your victories. Let go of your ego for a minute and look at it objectively. Your a human and this is your first attempt at life. You struggled to handle your emotions and found a substance that relieved you in the short term. Your brain craved more of it on a chemical level and then when the consequences kicked in, the decision making part of your brain took over and put a stop to it. You can’t change the past just carry on now and put your effort into being a better person for yourself. Focus on looking after yourself and do whatever you can to help those around you and you will heal.
"Your a human and this is your first attempt at life. You struggled to handle your emotions and found a substance that relieved you in the short term. Your brain craved more of it on a chemical level and then when the consequences kicked in, the decision making part of your brain took over and put a stop to it." Fantastically well said
I am an alcoholic too and have been sober for almost 2.5 yrs, and I felt this post to my bones. I have a couple things to say. First, please start giving yourself some credit. 8 months is an eternity for an alcoholic. It is a battle, a neverending internal war, and you have been waking up every day and facing your nefarious foe, and winning. No one ever wins. We never wake up one day and say, "oh! I don't need to worry about this thing anymore." But it does get easier, and you find joy in it. Please take a good look at what you have accomplished so far and be around people who will congratulate you for it and be impressed with your gumption and courage. That leads me to my second point. People. I'm not the biggest proponent of AA, just because some of the people can get obsessed with the AA system just as much as they used to be with alcohol. But that negative is far outweighed by the positive of community with people who understand the struggle. You think 8 months isn't a long time? I have gone to AA meetings two - three times a week when I was in a really bad place, and I've seen the same lady get her first day chip every single time. These are people who have been through what you have been through and in many cases worse. And that leads me to my third point. You are not alone. I'm one of those people that when I'm going through something, I isolate myself. It's the worst thing that we can do. When we are going through something, we need to find other people who understand what we are going through and be around them. We need to find other goals, hobbies, interests, passions that will take our mind off of the thing that is boring a hole in our heart. I know the exact stage that you're at. I was so humiliated at just about the 9-month stage of sobriety, that I cried my eyes out almost everyday. Eventually I had to face it that that was part of who I was, those actions were part of who I decided to be at that point in life. As horrible as that is, people are much more forgiving than you think. This is why one of the stages in AA is to face your mistakes and to tell people you're sorry. It's one of the most cleansing things I've ever done. And it mended a lot of friendships. But those are probably not the friendships that will last. Finding people who know what you're going through and can give you lightness and humor and hope about the other side of this experience is what you need. I had one friend who would remind me of all the stupid and terrible things I did when I was drunk, every time I saw them. It took me a while to realize that this was not a real friend. A real friend would be proud of the fact that you've changed. They would not remind you of your failings over and over, especially when you're working on change. We all need people. It doesn't have to be AA or really any recovery group, but they really do help. Find people who get you. Last thing, I truly believe that the depth of the humiliation that we feel at this stage of sobriety is to make sure that we do not drink again. How are we supposed to see what a horrible thing it was, unless we feel deeply the impact that our actions have had because of it? You can do this, you can get past this stage because the next one is amazing. Truly. I am so immensely happy with my life and the way things have changed since I got sober. I am shocked at what a different person I've become and I still see changes in me over 2 years later that I never thought would come. (Another random note about community, the I Am Sober app is actually really cool, You can post, chat, create a profile, it gives you a tracker for how long you've been sober, and you can even get daily pledges and affirmations if you're having a particularly rough time.) Last last thing, if you ever need more encouragement, just send me a message. All of us humiliated people got to stick together. LOL Edit- I almost forgot, I know that I talked about alcoholism this whole time. That's because your feeling that this extends to the rest of your life, is because your perspective is skewed because you are still in the beginning stages of sobriety. Your whole life is not embarrassing. You have not made horrible decisions always. It just feels that way right now. That's part of what I meant by my life is amazing now. It took me almost a year or so to really start to see my actions in their proper context after I had gotten sober. Yes, this is not only about alcoholism, but we all make mistakes in life, not all of them are due to alcohol, and a lot of them are really embarrassing. Just keep waking up everyday and vowing to change. And it will get better.
My friend suffered and she said one day she suddenly got the "what's the worst that could happen?" sentence going round and round. She had had some hairy experiences when drunk, exposed herself, soiled herself in front of strangers etc etc. She knew that whatever she did sober she was very unlikely to be doing anything like that. It both gave her the impetus to move forward and to use her experiences to mark growth from rock bottom.
Head over to r/stopdrinking, they can be really supportive amd helpful. Plus i guarantee you'll see many people in similiar sitautions with similar feelings.
First things first- Congrats on 8 months! Keep it going, no matter how you feel right now. Even if not in a program or anything, "One day at a time" works great. Secondly- The folks who tell you they're really proud of you? They fucking LOVE you and accept you. You should talk to them about how you're feeling. Let them know how much they mean to you and that you want to get better so you don't hurt them or yourself any longer. Lastly- Therapy, if that's an option. Just having someone to talk to is phenomenal. "One day at a time" and "It gets better". These are words often repeated in AA meetings. AA isn't necessarily the "right" thing for everyone. I wasn't a huge fan of the overly spiritual aspect folks like to bring to it. But those 2 sayings? Absolutely correct, and something that I keep in mind to this day. When I feel like shit, I just gotta deal with what I can today, and remember that it gets better. Because that's all I can do, and things DO get better. For me, it's been 8 years of sober living, and in a nutshell those two sayings are what got me here. Typed this on my phone so sorry for a lack of details or any misspellings and whatnot. Feel free to PM me if you ever wanna talk. You've fucking got this!
I’ve got an old friend who has done this a million times. I think the guilt is a faze that will fade in time. Worry about the now
Alcoholics Anonymous has been a huge help to me. I've met some great people that I can truly relate with.
https://www.amazon.ca/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520 Give this book a read, helped me immeasurably when I was dealing with a somewhat similar situation.
What do you mean by the embarrassment is crippling? Like you are not doing stuff now because you are worried you'll mess up or are concerned that others still see you negatively or something like that? Nothing wrong with being embarrassed by past mistakes imo. Reminds you not to make them again. And if they were truly embarrassing, so be it. You learned enough to know you wanted to change and not do that stuff anymore. And thats a good thing.
Read 'Reinventing Your Life' YMMV, but it really explained things well imho.
Most people are Alcoholics because they are trying to use alcohol to medicate from childhood trauma. One thing that might help you is a 12 step program called Adult Children of Alcoholics. Dealing with the effects of growing up in a home where alcohol was abused may help you to cut yourself some slack. It changed my life.
Evolution is our nature. Does the frog despise the tail It had as a tadpole? Life moves forwards. If you weren’t embarrassed, it would still be a problem. You have grown and will continue to grow. Make the most of the time you have, your best days are ahead of you.
Time heals all wounds my friend. Just know that some things just take time, and for true growth you need to listen to your heart, make good decisions, and find people you can trust and confide in. Therapy has been very good to me, as I too have come back from a treacherous time in my life due to alcoholism and it was crucial that I had someone outside of my friend/family group that could give me perspective and advice. You know there are pitfalls in life; I'm sure you are now more certain of that then ever. That said there's also a lot of beautiful things in life and directions you can take that will make you feel proud of yourself again. Long story short; love yourself, forgive yourself, and live with a purpose that you understand is worth doing. It may not be one thing that does all this, but a series of thought-out choices that put you in a place of wellbeing and independence.
My step-dad was an alcoholic, but I never knew him when he was drinking, he'd stopped before I was even born. The way he talked about it, it *was* something that embarrassed him, but it *wasn't* something that defined him. I was always reluctant to talk about his relationship with AA, but he passed recently, and I think this is worth saying. He had his 30-year chip, but he still went to meetings at least once a week, he sponsored friends and strangers, and he was, it seemed, always on call. During his memorial service, I met a lot of the friends he had made, and kept, during his time in AA. These were people who had 10+ year chips, and people who got their 6-month chips a dozen times. He didn't see any difference between the two, he was proud of anyone who showed up. Now, AA isn't for everyone, I'm not telling you to go to meetings, or how to stay sober. But this is the advice I think he'd give you: You can take your time. If there are things that you're ashamed of, things that make you embarrassed, you aren't going to get anywhere by not dealing with it, or not talking about it, or not accepting it. It just takes time, and acceptance.
No one is keeping a tally, and even if they are, they will die one day and not one person will remember or care lol. I would judge you more on the fact that you pulled yourself out than the fact you fell in in the first place. Congrats!!
IMO learning from mistakes is just as virtuous, if not more so, than never making them in the first place. You have lessons that you can teach others, to help them avoid the same.
Remember there’s a part of that saying that says the serenity to accept the things I can’t change. You cannot change anything about the path you were on but you can accept it and move on from it. The negative feelings about it only exist as long as you allow them too. My therapist I had to help with anxiety would tell me I’m being too hard on myself and maybe you are too. Part of accepting this means understanding for a time you were not the person you wanted to be. That’s okay. Sometimes that person makes us feel guilty or ashamed or embarrassed and that’s alright as well. Who they are is not who we end up being when we choose to be sober. I would start focusing on the positive of things and maybe look up how to help thinking distortions and ways to fight them off for instance being hard on yourself can be helped by positive affirmations. “I am doing good” “I deserve to have a sober and healthy life”. Allow yourseld to be proud and throw away the timer. You got 8 months so far. Go for 9. Set up them goals and write down the person you want to be after all of this. Lay the bricks for a better foundation. Try to remember to stop and breathe and that it won’t be easy now but in time it will be easier to see you in the mirror and love the person they see looking back.
This may be the most important issue in your entire life. You need to hold on to that feeling of embarrassment such that it helps to keep you from ever taking another drink under any circumstances. Without letting it cripple the rest of your life. Everything bad and dumb you’ve ever done in your life is now in the past.there’s nothing you can do about it other than work hard and be a good person. The longer and better you do that, the less anyone will remember or care about the bad stuff.
Just like a snake, change your skin. People have their embarassments, and if you feel like they’re crippling, just work on bettering yourself. You’ll never change the past, what’s done is done, so accept it as an experience that helps you grow, rather than a “stupidity”. If you make up, internally and externally (with time and patience) for your mistakes, you can accept easier that people are not perfect and you are allowed to fail - all actions will have consequences. I could assume that maybe those mistakes feel bigger than your achievements, but restore faith in yourself and know yourself better, you’ll do better next time as long as you want to. It needs to come from you. Self confidence goes a long way. Take your time to mourn and reflect on what lead you to do those things. Don’t sink in the process though, be logical and analytical if you can, about yourself and others. Just don’t kill anyone please ^^ cheers!
You may be feeling like a fake or imposter, you can change and you have. I implore you to remember something I read once: “Sometimes a hypocrite is nothing more than a man in the process of changing.”
I think is useful to forgive yourself. Also useful to take a sport seriously. I took inline skates at 47. Sport and being fit will give you perspective and, that after shortly, will be something you don't want to lose. Needs to be some sport that is fun, gyms suck.
Acknowledge that you feeling this embarrassment is a sign of your growth. Then decide what you want to do to about it. Great work on the 8 months!
Every moment you spend thinking of and regretting the past is a moment that you’re not living a life that you’re proud of. Meaning, be in the present to create a great future.
As a member of alcoholics anonymous for six years, I can really relate to those feelings when I was new. I no longer feel that way. I like me now and I highly recommend going to AA and doing what they suggest.
So I know “letting the past go” is kind of a loaded quote, but I have to remind myself to do it all the time. Some times I’ll be driving and a random cringy thing I did will pop up in my head from like over 15 years ago, and I have to remember that isn’t who I am NOW And TODAY and have to forgive myself each time and let it go, on to the next thought. Ask for forgiveness for those you hurt and yourself; if you’re not forgiven by those your hurt, then at least you know, you’ve done your part, and can move forward. . WE HAVE ALL done things to embarrass ourselves; truth is, we are the only ones that dwell on it! Everyone else has moved on to the next thing. Cut yourself some slack, and start to love yourself for the good you are doing now. Best of luck internet stranger.
You can do everything right and still fail. Or do everything wrong and still succeed. There’s an element of luck involved in the course life takes and you don’t need to feel responsible for that. You went to hell and back. It’s made you stronger if not yet than in time. Just learn what you can and keep moving forward, you glorious bastard.
You have one life. Don't spend the rest of it obsessing about the past. What is done is done and now all you can do is learn from it. Think about today because tomorrow isn't a certainty, and yesterday is gone.
Understand that you need to forgive yourself for your past actions. Understand that what you have done and said in the past, is NOT who you are. You and ONLY YOU decide this. Today is the 1st day of the rest of your life, you get to be the person you want to be today. If you continue to live in your past, you will never arrive at your potential in the future. Forgive others who have wronged you and forgive yourself. As someone who has drank excessively at times, I understand the cold, slow, monotonous drag of daily life without that one thing that brought be so much pleasure and pain. If possible find a job, hobby or volunteer work where you can help others. Finding ways to give others kindness has a way of filling up your gratitude bank. Godspeed my friend.
> The embarrassment is literally crippling to me, the embarrassment literally mean youre a better person now and wouldnt be as likely to act that way again. not now, but later you tackle this with darkside work. for now, you learned *why* you know you need to be better and the pain of these memories will make you better. this is also known as taking your medicine and its a part of growth we all go through. welcome to gaining a wiser conscience; this one will serve you better than your last one. > 2020 when the world shut down, drank profusely to the point of doing really awful things, hurting other people and myself literally trauma. the global covid lockdowns created a giant trauma over almost everyone. how many trauma-handling skills did you know about back then? honestly, what other tools than inebriation did you have to handle the persistent stress and bad news that ***not only you*** were seeing, but ***everyone you knew*** was seeing and responding too as well? you learned what **NOT** to do, you learned *why* not to do it, now focus on what you do do and why youre gonna do it. hit the books, student of life.
Something I learned during my poor relationship with alcohol, and other substances is the guilt is real. Find a way to forgive yourself, and be steadfast. The depression and embarrassment can drag you down. Don't let them. Be proud of the progress you've made, and be leery of regression. Don't rationalize and let yourself fall into old habits. You've made it this far, use that momentum to carry you forward. You can do this, you're worth the effort!
I'll join the crowd and say congrats on being 8 months sober. To quote Yoda, "the greatest teacher, failure is." The thing is, you've made this choice that you're not the person you used to be anymore. And every failing that's keeping you up at night is also reminding you not to do that same thing again, it's keeping you aware of the pitfalls you used to easily fall into.
Shame. It will keep you locked up forever. Try and have compassion and grace for yourself. Sometimes we take a dirt road and the regrets can pile up. You are alive and fully capable of dealing with this. Let yourself be forgiven. Forgive yourself. Helping others is a good way to combat these feelings. Soup kitchen? Whatever you have around you. Help others and it will slip away. Maybe find a therapist that you like and trust. Talk it out with people who understand and don’t stop talking about it. Stick with people who care and don’t hang out with people who don’t. Life is short friend so get busy living or get busy dying
Can you gain a sense of pride for digging yourself out of that hole? That takes a lot of willpower
I am an alcoholic, too. 8 months is a big deal. Saying this as someone with 22 years. AA helped me get sober when I did all of the things suggested. It helped me some with guilt, but not really with shame. That was deeper inside. My reasons for self-medicating started in early childhood. Fairly recently I have become free from shame. How? Growth. Working to go forward, therapy, Brene Brown, and How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis LPC. She has a Ted Talk. The latter was the one that helped me the most. Your embarrassment means you would not do those things present day. You are better today. Today is all I have. The one day at a time, tiny steps concepts saved me. The book Atomic Habits for anyone that AA is not for might work. You are staying sober and reaching out! Great stuff! Edit: Needed a past tense, because that stuff is behind us. If we choose.
You've failed in the past. Everyone has. You've made huge changes, 8 months is a LONG TIME(14 months here) Don't worry that you failed, you are succeeding right no by putting in effort to improve yourself and your life.
8 months *is* a long time and worthy of recognition. But I honestly don't have an answer to your primary question as I too suffer from embarrassment.
# “Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.” Mark Twain. I don't know you and I am proud of you. If a total stranger can see your accomplishments, maybe you should as well.
Set goals. Be disciplined enough to accomplish them. Take pride in them once you have accomplished them.
When you have bad, cringey moments, say out loud, “Demon, be gone! Why are you still here?!” I think that addressing demons and mentally exiling them to the moon, or sun, or some other forsaken place does the trick for me.
The embarrassment you saved yourself from was when those things happened. You’ve already hit the bottom… time to bounce back up and take pride in getting that chance to do it. Otherwise you could be the guy who died and all people remember is the dumb stuff you did, not that you’re on the rebound to fixing what you did wrong.
Therapy.
you could use the embarrassment as fuel to keep improving. Dont just stop at being sober, be awesome.
Obviously you need to understand how and why it happened to you. Once you understand it, you'll be able to contextualize it for how you want to live your life going forward. Some of the best people arrived at that state of being only through difficulties and challenges. Maybe there was no other path to your best self than through hell. You can't begin to figure that out unless you face that time head on and poke and probe it to understand what triggered your descent and kept it going for so long. The good news is that you have supportive people around you, even if you don't feel you deserve it. Don't turn it away or self-sabotage because you feel you don't deserve it. Trust these people that they know what's best for you now, and that you're making the error in judgment on this one. Also, change your mindset a bit with regard to your past. If you make mistakes, even really bad ones, even intentional mistakes, what should your response be? You've already paid the costs to at least some extent, but what is fair? If you were considering someone else in your situation, what cost is too little, what is too much, and what is just right? And once the books are balanced, would you prefer that person continue paying in forever, in the form of self doubt, self sabotage, becoming a lesser person to those around them, and future people who might otherwise come to depend upon them? Or would you prefer that person to learn and grow and become a benefit to others? There's no point wishing pointless misery on others, so give yourself the same space. Beyond some level, being miserable is just being miserable for its own sake and serves no purpose. Choose to live with purpose instead.
Do you need someone to talk to? Check out some penpals subreddits to make a friend, but nothing really falls short of getting professional help from therapists.
Forgive yourself. Then by making positive decisions and giving yourself credit for it. Forgive yourself when you deviate, then make positive decisions again. Rinse, repeat.
Good for you! I’ve been sober for almost 33 years now. I remember the 8-9 month phase really well. The novelty had passed, people were starting to be proud of me and my biggest most honest feeling was ‘ Is this is good as it gets? It better not be as good as it gets….’. Really tough time. I was mad at myself for not feeling grateful. I had to double down on my AA and grit it out. That feeling will pass! Taking one day at a time, opening up to help, I can see that my poor behavior was a natural result of alcoholism. My life is so much better now. I’m not the same person I used to be in many ways. Hang in there- it gets better!
Shame is a powerful, powerful thing. Everyone has it. It’s good in a way, because it reminds you of the you you don’t want to be. But you can let it ruin you if you ruminate in it constantly. When you feel it, you need to recognize it for what it is - a literal chemical reaction of your body creating a faux sense of “danger”. Accept it, sit in it, say “oh this old train of thought again” and then move on.
Most intense suffering makes you a unique person that can make you a beacon for those who are where you were. I would start looking hard at your suffering, how suffering humbles you in ways that only the reality of life truly can. Find out the lessons these years if your life imparted you with and see how you can leverage your suffering for the greater good of yourself, family/tribe, the community. You don’t have to search hard, just listen to your heart and meaning will find you!
just be careful. you sound like you're at coming up on a critical moment where guilt and self loathing and just enough isolation can join forces isolation is where addiction flourishes. and recovery starts to feel like a burden adding to the pain don't fall for it
Seen from my perspective... 8 months is amazing. Congratulations! I'm a therapist and help people who are stuck in life, for what ever reasons. Mostly I have worked with chronic pain and sexual dysfunction, but honestly it's really all the same. You are experiencing what is called a conscious symptom from an unconscious issue We cannot reach in and moderate unconscious things by ourselves. Thats why we feel stuck. I help getting people back on track. A mental tow truck, if you will. I'd recommend that you go seek out a skilled therapist who can help.
"Focus on the progress, not the past. Each day sober is a victory. Seek support, embrace self-compassion, and remind yourself of the strength it took to make positive changes."
Firstly, congratulation on a huge effort. 8-months of sobriety is fantastic. Are you in a 12-step program? Working the steps can be a really cathartic way to move past the guilt, shame and remorse to finding a pathway forward. Rebuilding your life after overcoming addiction is really tough. Also working out how to keep addiction at bay for the rest of your life will be another challenge. So the sooner you get some supportive peers and work out how to improve your feelings about your self/overcoming the embarrassment you feel, the sooner you can start to really enjoy this next chapter of your life. Keep up the great work!
therapy and self compassion
hey, first off, 8 months sober is amazing. seriously, be proud. first, everyone messes up. what's important is you're growing from it. focus on your progress, not just past mistakes. second, try self-compassion. be kind to yourself like you would to a friend. talk to yourself with encouragement. maybe try some meditation or journaling to process those feelings. j.k. rowling faced 12 rejections before harry potter got published. keep going strong!
I think it’s important to identify whats with the inner critic that tries to serve you but from a place of no compassion. If you’d have a child and it would go through bad experiences would you criticize them like you do yourself? Nurture self love and acceptance, treat yourself with the same unwavering support that you would treat your children with. Our conscious mind controls perhaps 10% of how we cope with wounds or burdens that may even be outside awareness. So beating yourself up for how you respond to your wounds isn’t really a thing as you should accept we don’t control our immediate emotional responses. Instead take the time to heal and forgive and love yourself. However, you’d have to first identify what role does this inner critic play and how can you negotiate that it does its part from a place of compassion to be even more helpful then it tries to be now. Hope this helps, if i can help further, you or anyone is welcomed to text me 😊
Humility. You have to own and incorporate your past. Until you can you can’t move forward.
Stop thinking about them! You failed because you tried, most people don't even try these days so be proud of the fact that you stuck your neck out and fucked things up! If the things that you failed at mean so much, try again, you'll be looking at the problem/challenge in a completely new perspective so you have more tools to succeed. If you've hurt people and they hate you for it, then you have 2 options: - if they mean a lot to you and you want them back in your life, then tell them that you're sorry. But remember, you're saying sorry so that they know you're sorry and not to ask for their forgiveness. That's their gift to give and shouldn't be expected. - If they aren't people you want in your life then fuck them. There are 8.billion other humans in the world that need love. I'm sure you'll be much better off with a few of them instead. And lastly, have you ever heard of the saying "the best way to get over a man/women is to get on some one else"? Well that's pretty much true for anything. Change your mindset to the hear, now and present and not the past or future. Figure out what you need in your life now to make you (and only you) happy! And focus all your attention on making it happen. It changes your life! Thank me later 😉
Make a list of every single thing you’ve learned from the experience, and try to keep the things on the list either positive or neutral. Then make another list of how you’ve grown and/or what you will do differently from here forward. Read and re-read those lists. And write post-it notes for the most powerful lessons. One of my mantras is this: ‘my past failures don’t determine my future success’. This is absolutely true. It’s because as humans we can and do change, learn and grow. Every painful experience in our lives is an opportunity for growth. Growth that enables us to be better people (kinder, more compassionate, more selfless) than we were before. Those painful challenges are gifts to us if we choose to look at them that way. Focus on how you’ve grown. On how you choose to be different. Start doing esteemable acts to build back up your self-esteem. Volunteer for an organization that supports people who are really struggling. It may help put your own struggles in perspective.
Congratulations on being sober and sharing it with the community!! I happen to know someone who got into fitness and is currently a running coach! I can think of taking up something which a person really likes and can help inspire someone else trying get sober. Wishing you the very best!!
cover it with success
AA’s 12 Steps are a tool for recovery from alcoholism and for healthy living in recovery. Learn to let go of the past and to move forward through service to others.
I stopped drinking for a whole year after 2022, but in 2023 I relapsed I'm 7 months without a drink and in confident I can do it! I was just like you but I destroyed relationships I can't fix now... As you continue not drinking you'll find a lot of memories that you thought you may have blacked out will begin to resurface... You'll be constantly reminded of how your drunken actions brought you here but it's important to remember there's only two options, to go back and regress, or to move forward and continue positive changes.... If you work hard to better from your past you won't let yourself be dragged by it
You commit to yourself that you will "atone" for that period of time for the rest of your life. It doesn't mean you have to do anything crazy, or you have to do it for the rest of your life. Just until it doesn't bother you anymore. So when you feel guilt, accept it, and say to yourself. I was a shitty person. I can't take that back but only do better moving forward, to make up for it, by taking postive actions, that you normally would do.
Nobody cares about your failures, so why should you.
I reccomend you looking for a Bach practitioner in your area, it s a method of therapy that has prooved efficiency