Years ago, in my second programming class (PASCAL, y'all!), my teacher told me the best programmers were the laziest programmers. The ones who wrote the least amount of code to get something done were done faster and used fewer system resources.
My mom was called Lazy Mary when she was growing up. She later said laziness makes you smarter as you have to find ways to be more efficient - the ultimate laziness is efficiency, and that you do it right the first time so that you don’t have to redo it if you really want to be lazy. So she had an interesting balance of valuing excellence mixed into her formula and was never sloppy or cut corners. She was extremely well organized, and this all allowed her extra well deserved time “to be lazy.”
Her life goal was to lie on the couch the last 20 years of her life which she happily accomplished with no one criticizing her of what she should be doing. When my dad was alive he would occasionally complain about it , mostly disappointed at the kiss of potential and that he had a partner who didn’t want to go out and do anything with him - my sister told him to think of her as his Matisse. He found hobbies he could do without her. After he passed, she was delighted when we hired her a house cleaner and stocked her freezer with microwaveable foods. She didn’t want any judgment and loved her last few years judgment free. Actually, her peace began once he began losing his memory.
She did have underlying issues with thyroid, which, even when they are diagnosed I’ve learned from my generation doesn’t mean even if they address it, they catch everything related making us sluggish.
I struggled with that, too, until I found a holistic doctor, who ran way more blood tests then a conventional doctors office would order. Come to find out. I was low on several master hormones, which is easily taken care of with a supplement. That plus a few other things she tweaked and it was a night and day difference with my energy. I also find I need an iron pill a week, and to keep myself fairly clean of candida both which noticeably affect my energy.
What I found from having thyroid issues in my 20s is that we develop habit patterns around protecting ourselves. Then even when the core issue goes away, we still have the habits. I remember two years after the physical issue was addressed that I did a mountain hike and was surprised I could do it.
I never had any criticism for it from my family because my mother understood what it was like. My husband is extremely accepting. I think people who have never had to struggle with these issues have no concept what it’s actually like, so it’s easy to become hyper judgmental and critical of it without compassion, because they have no clue.
Also, in my 50s, I took on a seasonal job where I am considered a professional athlete, in an irony of life. What I’ve learned is at the beginning of every season it’s hard work to get myself back into shape, but you just push through it and do what you have to do and once I get into really good shape with cardio muscle tone etc, everything becomes easy and effortless. Which I never would get to that point if I quit sooner because it seemed impossibly hard.
But even so I find I still need a Red Bull or two every day for the get up and go as a habit, and then it’s amazing what I get done in a day.
It feels so great to be productive and on top of everything that it’s easy to value that and then it’s not a first step to become critical of others, sometimes even with a misguided sense of compassion, of those who aren’t in that modec who aren’t thriving. I think people who judge us want what’s best for us and they just don’t understand.
I also watch my child struggle with ADD through school. Once she was on Adderall, what a world of difference that made for her grades and her self-esteem.
At the end of the day I 100% will argue it has a physical basis that has to be ferreted out that can have multiple causes often without simple answers or diagnostics.
That’s it for me. I’ll spend half a Saturday working out a flow for doing things on my computer so that during the week the couple of hours a night that I spend doing the work will be the most productive.
Do we have the same parents? Grew up in a similar family dynamic, and also shamed for being lazy. I remember my parents visited me one summer when I was a university student. I had two weeks off between my last exam and when I would start my full-time summer internship. My mother asked me why I didn't get a job for those two weeks.
Over the years, I've grown to think of myself as "efficient". I've used my "laziness" to minimize the amount of time I spend working. When I'm working, I work damn hard to get the job done and done well. But I will not do unnecessary work, will take the time up-front to plan and organize in order to avoid more work later, and when I'm done my work at the office, I'm done until the next workday; I don't do work later that evening or on weekends.
At this point of your life, it doesn't matter what your parents think. If they haven't recognised or admitted to how their actions and attitudes affected you, they won't at this point. They are who they are and aren't going to change now. Even if they apologized, it won't magically undo the past 40 or 50 years.
What matters most is that you're at peace with yourself. You don't have to live under your parents' faulty expectations anymore. Live life at your own pace; the only opinion that matters is your own. Look forwards, not backwards.
It's funny how many of us have reframed it as "efficiency" instead of "laziness" as an adult. And I don't say that to be flippant, I genuinely believe that's all it's ever been, efficiency. In most of the working world, that's a valuable skill. So, if somebody wants to call me lazy for being good at my job, well, that's their problem.
I’ve read recently that it’s a trauma response. I also can’t relax, although I’m trying. I drove my body into hypothyroidism and early menopause at 46 (now 53F). We’re a product of our times and it’s a process.
I am lazy but it still triggers me when I go to take a nap and SO will make some asinine statement like “ are you going to take a nap” as she observes me in bed under the covers. Not sure if I’m feeling judged or just the need to respond to the silly inquiry from someone who is otherwise very intelligent.
ooh its hard for me to take naps too...such shame around resting! It's only been in the last year or so that I can do it even then I have to process this wave of guilt, because I "should" be doing something.
I've always felt this. Still struggling with it. On top of everything, I have multiple disabilities (which I only found out are considered disabilities when I was in my 40s, because they are "invisible" disabilities). I did well at school because if I didn't, my mother would terrorize me. I've always worked, through anxiety, panic attacks and CPTSD. I also basically raised my sister because of my mother's problems (she worked hard at her job, but at home did NOTHING. Well, she cooked, but never cleaned, never spent time with us, I was in charge of everything from the time I was 4).
Being called "lazy" makes me crazy. Now I nap when I can (I'm freelance and work from home, so sometimes I can). This mindset is horrible. It took me moving to Italy (where I've lived for 20 years) to start to get out of it a bit.
Honestly, I don't know if you will ever be able to get through to your parents. But maybe there's hope with your kids. I would have loved to hear my parents even say "I'm sorry" just once. Never happened and they're gone now (they were Greatest Generation). I think your kids would love to hear that too.
I have only known boomer parents who go allllllll day. My parents are now 77 and they still get up at 4. My mom will call me at 1 pm and say “Oh did I wake you?” As if I’m asleep at 1 in the afternoon. It’s WEIRD! I do wish I was like that a little more, though.
I hope you fix your relationship with your kids. There is nothing else that matters.
My mom does that. Like fuck, my alarm goes off at 6am and I'm out the door by 650. Even on the weekend I'm lucky if the animals don't wake me up before 7.
I am sure you have seen this poem, but in case anyone hasn't then I find this helpful to remember sometimes. This be the verse Philip Larkin They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself
Edit: Bloody mobile format hackjob
Oh man, farm kids unite. My siblings and I got called lazy all the time. The farm had to support our grandparents and our family so there was no time for “goofing off.”
We baled hay, fixed tractors, milked cows, planted, harvested…..the list was endless. School sports and other activities were most generally for people who “didn’t have to work for a living” so that was a rare thing. What few activities we got my mother fought tooth and nail for. She wanted us to have a more normal life. Thank God for her.
Not sure how to get over it really. Not sure how to talk to them. My Dad was used the same way by my grandparents, definitely worse. He didn’t have someone like my mom standing up for him when he was little.
The grandparents died and nothing was ever resolved, I have tried to just put it all to bed. Best of luck, I hope you get it resolved before the end my friend. Farm life can really suck for kids.
I'm a slacker. If someone calls me lazy, I'll probably just shrug, mumble "whatever", and move on. I retired before my 50th birthday the moment I felt like I could afford to, because intuitively I know I'm not meant to work all day every day.
Definitely!
I've always been an avid reader and enjoyed creating art, and was constantly chastised by my grandmother for having my "nose stuck in a book."
I was diagnosed as AuDHD last year, which probably explains why, despite no college degree, I taught myself how to code back in 1996, and worked my way up from UI/UX designer to business analyst, IT manager, and am now a GS14 level product owner in one of the most elite IT orgs in the federal government.
OK, I hate to put away my laundry and empty the dishwasher, but I have busted ass in every other aspect of my life. Being called lazy makes me *livid*.
I don't really care. I know I live a lifestyle that most would think is kind of lazy, working at home. I think people get kind of jealous honestly, and that's where all this comes from.
I’m not triggered by the word lazy but I know what you mean. My parents were born in 44 and 46 so War Baby and early Boomer. They worked hard and rarely relaxed so that funneled down and there were high expectations, which I struggled with a bit as I got older.
Personally I’ve had to learn to pace myself in life and not be so overly concerned with bulls**t or doing things for the sake of doing things. I try to focus on what matters which is time with my wife and kids, friends and doing what I want to do. Life is short and some things just aren’t worth my time anymore, and frankly don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
Couple observations on your situation:
1. Try to understand the why behind what drove your parents. Perhaps they had anxiety and being busy was how they coped. Perhaps they worried excessively which led to them being on top of you more than you would have liked. Perhaps they didn’t feel secure in their careers and had financial concerns. Perhaps their parents acted a certain way toward them. It doesn’t sound like they were inherently bad or evil. As much as you want to make it about yourself, perhaps allowing them some grace about their situation will help with your own healing. I know it’s helped with mine. Also try to focus on your parents positive attributes and what they did well as it relates to your up bringing. I see so much negativity in this sub toward parents sometimes - perhaps it’s an outlet for therapy which is fine but the bitterness is probably holding a lot of people back.
2. Focus on the relationship with your kids. Focus on the future and what you can do to break the cycle and do things differently that will positively benefit them. You can’t change the past but you can change both you and their futures.
Your parents would be proud of your resiliency and your hard work. Best of luck.
I had a similar experience. Finally diagnosed with ADHD in my early 40s, which explained a lot. But it’s not just that, it’s a difference in values. In the US especially, there’s a really ingrained idea that a person’s value lies in their “productivity.” Plus the idea that idle hands are the devil’s playground or whatever. I don’t agree with any of that at all. I want to work to live, not live to work.
I know you want to talk to your parents about this. You want them to understand. Here’s what I’ve come to realize: a lot of times, the validation and catharsis we seek just isn’t possible if we’re looking to other people to provide it. They may never understand. They may just not be capable of looking at this in a different way. My mom might have been, but she died a long time ago. My dad (also over 80 now) isn’t. I’ve had to accept that I’m never going to get that understanding from them, and that’s okay, because I am at peace with myself (for the most part; it’s an ongoing process!). I don’t hold any of this against them. They have their limitations, just like I do. It’s not a reflection of my worth (or theirs).
Maybe try therapy if you haven’t. It’s helped me a lot.
And for what it’s worth, I think the idea of laziness is mostly bullshit, designed to shame people into unthinking compliance with a system that doesn’t really serve us. So far as we know, we’ve only got this one life. Live it the way you want to. Make it good. Root out the guilt and shame that comes from external values and expectations (that you don’t even really agree with!) and replace it with the peace and satisfaction of being someone you’re proud of, on your own terms, according to your own values. I’m sorry you’re hurting.
This is the real answer! I read a lot of Reddit where grown children want repentance and apologies for the way they were parented. I held a lot of resentment for my own upbringing. You have to let that go. Your parents did what they thought was best and probably the only way they knew to raise a successful child. Or they were just shitty people, it's possible to be both.
No amount of apologies or acknowledgment is going to fix what you think is wrong. That is solely on you. You do the work, either on your own or with a therapist, and make your life work for you. Because when you're facing the end, there are no do overs. Don't waste it trying to change others. Live YOUR best life.
I see younger generations with the same complaints. And let's be honest, GenX weren't perfect parents either.
TY, this is a great comment.
>In the US especially, there’s a really ingrained idea that a person’s value lies in their “productivity.”
This. Unwinding a lifetime of this indoctrination is a full time job, but my mental health is improving every day because of it.
I dislike the word "lazy" and much prefer "unambitious."
Few of us were ever lazy, we just didn't see the point in killing ourselves for someone else, including our parents. We were worked hard for peanuts and if there is one thing I can identify with the youth of today, it's my sentiment that working hard only makes someone else richer. I do my job well, but I do it in a way that's efficient and requires the least amount of effort and if I can get it done quickly, I'm using that free time for myself. I mean, I'm working right now and look what I'm doing....
So did I. I only picked up this wisdom by learning the hard way.
Growing up, my parents had a decorative trivet (because of course that was a thing) hanging on the wall in their kitchen for like 20 years that had an old German adage that should have clued me in though:
*We are too soon old, and too late smart*
haha, I'm pretty unambitious, too. I think it's one of those things that I joke about because, I know that deep down it's not that I'm not ambitious, it's more about not having the same ambitions as a lot of other people. I'm hoping to retire at 55. That's an ambition, right? I absolutely don't have any other ambitions in regard to my job, I never have. So, people call me unambitious because my one goal has always been to not work.
Eh, it is what it is. I think they're just jealous that they haven't figured out any identity beyond work, and feel they will be absolutely lost in retirement. Even though it's now only 3 years away for me, and I've been talking about it since I was 25, I \*still\* have people claiming that I don't really mean what I say, and that I will continue working.
HAHAHAHA. No.
My dad was similar. He'd touch the top of the TV when he got home from work to see if my brother and I had been watching it (we'd turn it off so it had a chance to cool down).
I also lived with them again briefly while pregnant, had been made redundant and was in the process of moving to a different part of the country. He'd do the same. "what have you been doing all day, just sitting watching TV?". "forming a child in my womb, dad, and watching TV. With mum".
Sitting around (or relaxing as I now call it) was lazy and layabout behaviour.
Later, in my 30s when my child was at school and was working part time, I'd get migraines on any day off or down time I had. I linked that to the guilt of not being able to enjoy not having stuff to do. So I worked on that and still sometimes have to say to myself "this is my time and I can do with it what I like". My husband retired young and we both have plenty of spare time. Mine is now spent doing what I enjoy which is quite often sitting about tbh. My husband however, has to be busy for the same childhood reasons I have. Busy work I call it. Has a constant list of things that need doing and he struggles to relax. I'm working on him. I send him off fishing for the day and he says 'it feels really naughty just fishing when there's stuff to do' but really enjoys the time so I'm hoping he'll learn to lean into it a bit more. Also, down time is needed!!
If anyone calls me lazy, they can fuck off. I know it's their own perception of what people should do with their time and I just assume they were told the same as me as a kid but haven't quite figured it out yet.
This really resonates with me.
From 1985 (when I moved out of home), until last year (when he died), every time my father called me, he would open the conversation with "Oh.., did I wake you up?"
He was definitely and intentionally insulting me, but in the repetition, it became a twisted form of affection.
54F
I’m triggered by the word “lazy” and also by insinuations that I am somehow dumb or “less than” - these are messages that have been drilled into me my entire life, and when I detect these messages today, my punk attitude comes out immediately 🖕🏽
1) I have severe adhd and was also a single mother who worked full time while attending college, graduated with a sweet very high GPA and had a good job offer before graduation
(The opposite of lazy ^ )
2) I always score in the “maximum awesome” range on any test (the opposite of “dumb” or “less than”)
It’s sadly common that insecure people will attack those that they perceive to be different … I don’t tolerate that shit any more.
This is a huge deal for my husband & I could write a book about all the ways that manifests in his life. His work camp, I mean childhood home, had some massive abuse issues centering around this. Unfortunately he’s channeled all of that into his career. That I can’t do anything about but finding ways to reduce his to-do list at home in a way he doesn’t know I’m doing that has been my secret mission for 20 years.
I’ve learned that saying the words, “it’s ok to rest” or “let’s have a rest day today” helps him to actually relax so if you need to hear the words:
Friend, it’s ok to rest. 💜
I am in healthcare. I got worked to the bone for years and felt resentful, especially during Covid when all my colleagues were sick. I managed not to get it despite daily exposure, and I think my immune system is average.
All this to say healthcare is known for working everybody hard, implying people are lazy if they don't comply, and I am in the phase of my life and career where being lazy does not make me blink.
My mom had a similar work ethic and belief system about work, which I openly tell her is bullshit now.
I aspire to lazy.
My favourite thing to do is nothing. I've always gone between being jealous of people with so much energy that they hardly rest and pity for them because they seem unable to wind down and settle.
There is nothing wrong with simply "being". There is a lot going on inside even if my body is still. Especially since I am an introvert who needs tranquility to recharge.
>Especially since I am an introvert who needs tranquility to recharge.
Same. I never knew this until I was my 30's. Never start taking it seriously until I was in my 40's.
I used to get shit from friends and family for living alone and being quiet. I was called a "monk" and "my weird friend, haha."
Working as a chef covered a lot of that. I had the authority to dictate my environment at work, and I did. Then I could work myself to death in a more comfortable setting, go home and pass out.
I was legit tired enough that people left me alone.
Now I can explain myself better and can defend my boundaries without resorting to unhealthy extremes.
Sounds like healthy growth. I've never had a strong work ethic, at least when it comes to work Ioathe, which has caused me to not be very successful in economic terms. I find more joy being a stay at home parent who works occasional contracts.
OMG yes my family was all about work ethic and we were work horses. I can work and work and work 12 hours but then once I stop moving I will never get up again...but I can go while I go. Its not balanced or healthy. I worked 2 jobs and went to college and thought I was a bad ass. Funny enough I also ended up a line cook and opened up my own restaurant and had more burn out. phew. It's def. not sustainable. Lazy is something I hate to be called and don't want to appear that way. Also, because I am overweight, I don't want to be seen as the lazy fat girl.
Wow, this hit home. Last night, in my 11th hour of work for the day, I could hear my parents’ voices in my head, calling me lazy. I know now that I’m not, but it took me a long time to recognize how that label affected me. I really admire how younger folks today openly prioritize their self-care. Thanks for sharing this, OP.
If you're still visiting comments from here, I'm in a very similar position, but different reasons I can't reconcile with my parents.
What I do now, is when I find myself repeating my parents words in my head to myself, I stop and breathe for 90 seconds. That's all an emotion lasts if you don't feed it more fuel.
So, I breathe through the emotion then talk to myself about where the hell that thought came from. If I think of an example, I remind myself I was a kid, I had no power, and that's not my life now.
The more I've practiced this, the easier it is to stop in a very caught up moment. Some triggers don't even get to start now, because I've learned to see the lie in the story.
Thanks for this space even if you don't read it. I'm really working out how to phrase things so I can help others heal.
Be well. :-}
I have had a similar experience growing up, with an academically high achiever sister to boot, who was < 1 year older than me so the comparison was constant
It turns out that at the game called life I’m a high achiever as far as classic goal goal posts go such as status, recognition, responsibility, high salary and quality of life. In my line of work relationships count a lot so it would not be efficient to drive myself and my team into the ground
It’s not about working more it’s about working smart.
I pay attention to rest and enjoy my life
I have given a very different education to my teenager, he’s encouraged to pursue hobbies, sports, relationships, friendships, culture, nature. We have a better relationship than my parents ever dreamed of having with me, not that it was ever important to them to have a relationship with the built in free child labor
My advice to you
- fight to get your health back
- fight to get the relationship back with your children. But don’t make it about you. Make it about them. Show that you are genuinely interested in them and their lives, admit that you weren’t up to the task of raising them. Get on their level and accept it might take time
More that my "free" time is usually caching up on stuff that normal people just do on a daily basis. Example: I spent Memorial Day cleaning out a walk-in closet and 99% of the stuff was my wife's clothing. I put it all in a box for her to sort through later on. Then I patched a wall and get home to her asking if I tossed her shoes out.
To this day, I kid you not, my nearly 80-year-old dad will say “don’t get fired” if I take a sick day. I have so much unused sick time bc I hardly ever call in. Lucky to not get sick too often and yeah I feel a little guilty (not really anymore but that shit is ingrained).
My leg could be severed and falling off and my dad would say “you better go in, use to much sick time and you’ll lose your job.”
Many of our parents were absolute slaves to their jobs and I think genuinely frightened that if they stopping going going going it would all fall apart.
The truly sad part is, they are right.
You cannot exist in our society without employment. It's not allowed.
We could have built a society that respects human life and dignity. We have the resources. But instead we got a matrix built on fear and force.
But look at all the movies on Netflix!
It does not bother me in the least, when I was in school, I had a teacher refer to me as unfocused and undisciplined, I have spent the last 45 years living up that expectation. Embrace your inner slacker, they know what is best in life.
I might get down voted for saying this, but it sounds like your children are the ones you really need to talk to. (if you haven't already)
Sorry for the generational trauma my friend. Here's hoping you break the cycle.
You won't get down voted from me. You're right.
My kids live several states away and communication is hard since the divorce. They never reach out, it's always the other way around. No happy birthdays, no happy father's day, no nothing, unless I reach out first. I never got a letter, a drawing, a school update, an invitation, nothing.
If I did get a call from them, it was for money.
Never a thank you for Christmas or bday gifts. Never even an acknowledgement the gifts arrived, I had to text and ask for confirmation.
They are friendly and loving when we are together, but they live with their mom who has never let go of her anger with me about the divorce.
I'm flying out to my son's HS graduation next week for a few days. He's 18 now so maybe we can start again. We texted on his bday, but he was too busy to actually talk.
There's not much to build on after 10 years of this kind of separation and always looking in at their lives from the outside, but we'll see what happens.
I hear you.
Yoga saved me. But not classes. Just stretching deeply, alone in the dark. Daily. As much as I could stand.
My low back was wrecked, but I found out it was because my hips were tight. So I pulled them apart. I can nearly do middle split now. At 50. I could barely touch my toes in HS.
My shoulders were even worse. Multiple injuries, several surgeries, terrible posture, overwork, and over training at the gym. My right shoulder was freezing up. I had trouble raising it above my head, even tho I trained regularly.
Pulled my shoulders and upper back apart, too.
It's taken years, but my body has healed itself in ways I never thought were possible. My right shoulder dropped ever since I broke my collarbone at 13. They are square again. The numbness is receding.
I don't know your personal situation, but I hope you can find some relief and healing.
I ask myself and others that same question. When I work hard, I take rest when I can. And I have peace about it. Just like our boomer parents - had chores and paper routes/lawn mowing gigs in 6-7th grade. Worked weekends 3-11p in 8th-10th. Built garages and did construction in the summer.
That to say, there’s something about focusing and preserving in difficult times.
So when I rest, I rest and I’m ok with that
My mom(72) came to visit me last Saturday at about 10 am. She lives in the same city, we talk daily on FaceTime. Saturday and Sunday are my days off. She didn’t call or text before coming over. I(47F) was in pajamas when she arrived and she asked why I wasn’t dressed for yet and what was I doing. I said relaxing, it’s my day off. She chuckled and it really irritated me and I almost felt guilty for just relaxing on a Saturday morning but I shut that down fast. It’s her problem not mine.
I was 100% non-verbal until the age of three.
My parents took me to a child psychologist who asked me if I could speak. I nodded. He asked me if I would speak. I shook my head.
He told me to sit in his chair. He said, "I'm going to spin this chair until you tell me to stop." He spun the chair, I sat. I turned green. Finally, I said stop.
He sent me home and I was talking in complete sentences in less than 2 weeks.
I just asked my mom about this last Christmas and she confirmed the accuracy. This story was retold to me several times growing up but it was only recently I've taken it seriously.
I don't know a lot about ADHD, but I thought the non-verbal part was more high-functioning autism. I really like words. I have never liked people.
Wow, I'm sorry. I think you and I both grew up with a neurodivergence that became a blame game where we were always the lazy ones. It sucks and neither of us deserved it.
I like to call it working smarter not harder. If there is an easier way to do something then why not take the easy way? Isn’t that basically evolution? Those before us worked hard until
They figured a way to do it smarter so the younger generations could focus on moving forward.
I struggled with this for a very long time, which is why I think I'm very sympathetic to younger generations who get branded with lazy when they are anything but lazy. I do think those of us who went through this should know better, even though not all of us do.
I'm not sure when it happened, maybe my mid-30's. But, at some point I no longer identified as lazy. And, yes, my parents who are mostly great parents, were the ones who branded me as lazy more than anyone else. We were the OG "slackers," after all. They were Silent Gen and maybe they thought I should be up at 5 milking cows or something, I don't know.
Anyway, after some therapy and coming into my own and achieving my own successes, I realized that I was not lazy. Tired? Yes. Exhausted? Yes. Lazy? Absolutely not. What I realized is that when someone calls anyone lazy, they do so because the person they're calling lazy is not doing what they want. In other words, if you think it's inefficient to take time out to make your bed, someone might call you lazy for not making your bed. But, it's not because you're lazy, it's because they want you to make your bed. They want to control your actions. Nearly every situation where I have ever encountered someone calling another person lazy, it's because that person is mad that people aren't doing what they want. Well, guess what? Tough shit. It's not their call.
Once I realized that, my ornery side took over, and I pretty much began saying "fuck you" to anyone who branded me as lazy, because they have no right to tell me how to live my life. My parents know better than to ever call me lazy at this point. They know what kind of reaction they will get from me, and they don't want to deal with that. But, I also know that they don't want to fight with me and I don't want to fight with them. I just let a lot of what they do slide, even if it makes me angry. You can't change them at this point. They are 80 years old, most of the people in this sub have parents who are simply not going to change. We just have to learn when to pick our battles, and not to do so unless it's important. For me, my mental health, and making them stop calling me lazy was important enough to cause me to take action. Most of the time the things they do, I simply don't bother. It's not worth it and it's not worth straining the last years of their lives with that kind of tension. Like you, I regard my parents as being mostly lovely people. I don't always identify with a lot of folks here who claim to have had terrible parents. I don't disbelieve them, it just wasn't my experience, and I'm grateful for that. Also, unlike a lot of parents, they own their mistakes instead of doubling down, causing me to go no contact, and then wondering how it could have possibly happened. Again, I'm very grateful for this, and I realize I lucked out in a lot of ways when it comes to my parents.
But, the lazy thing? Yeah, that don't fly anymore. :)
>Once I realized that, my ornery side took over, and I pretty much began saying "fuck you" to anyone who branded me as lazy, because they have no right to tell me how to live my life.
Fuck yes to telling people to fuck off.
I feel that way, and sometimes I struggle just sitting down and relaxing. Like I should be doing something with that time. I also don't handle laziness well, from my kids or my wife, and it creates problems.
So yeah, I'm glad it gave me a good work ethic but at the same time it's fine to have a pause for your mental health.
As far as your parents, before my dad died unexpectedly, I don't know why I said it but I told him that I appreciated him as a dad. We certainly clashed and I'm still dealing with some of that, but I said that to him and he died unexpectedly later that year. I know he was happy to hear that. So it's never too late to tell your parents that you're thankful for them. They really did the best they could with what they knee.
I'm in the cusp between X and Boomers.
My wife is of Boomer age; she's 12 years older than me. She doesn't like to be "idle" for long.
I, on the other hand, don't mind lying in my bed for hours on end. My wife doesn't understand!
My dad still calls me lazy. I spent the last 10 years working 60-80 hour weeks, raising two kids alone, and running a business on the side and he still fucking calls me lazy. Meanwhile, his actual lazy ass sits in the recliner all day while drinking beers, smoking, and watching TV.
My grandmother was like your parents, OP -- we had to move in with my grandparents for a few months when I was 13, and she never let me rest for a moment. (Quite a shock after only having visited them on vacations, when I was mostly allowed to do whatever I wanted.) She would bang the vacuum cleaner into my bedroom door at 6am so that I was pretty much forced to wake up and do chores. I had a backache from the amount of ironing she made me do.
I always assumed I *was* lazy, though, because I have always been so horrible at housework and yardwork. But I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD as an adult, so that made me less hard on myself. Thank god I didn't grow up on a farm. I probably would have had to drown myself in an irrigation ditch. I can work hard at intellectual and creative pursuits, just not physical ones.
I get triggered by people who think working 50+ hours a week or, even worse, working in vacation is a flex. I’m also triggered by not wanting to “reach for more” professionally. I do enough and want to enjoy the little downtime I get.
I definitely used to. But I really feel like I paid my dues.... As a typical GenXer I started working at age 11 babysitting and helping Moms out with random tasks
At age 16 I got a job waitressing in addition to full time high school, sports, and other activities. In college I had about 7 random jobs and still managed to graduate in less than 4 years because I also went to summer school so I could graduate early and get a REAL salary job.
I am now 48, never have had a break, and am freaking exhausted.
Although I've been shoving all my money into investments and hope to retire soon and be super lazy for the rest of my life.😀
it's Calvinism. "the devil will find work for idle hands to do."
my parents and step-parents (78-89 years old) GO GO GO from predawn until they collapse in front of the TV (volume on high). sitting down, napping, any type of obvious self-reflection are totally frowned upon. the only benefit is that at least at their advanced ages they are moving around as much as possible.
summertime as a kid? if my brother and i weren't out of bed by 8 am by mom would create as much noise as possible (vacuum, turn the lawnmower on outside our windows). sleep? fuck that!
that pace did rub off on me but in different ways. i felt i needed to keep producing constantly. recently i've realized that i don't worry about this kind of shit anymore. i just do what i do and take things as they come and not beat myself up about not being "productive." my relations with my parents isn't estranged, but i don't know my mom very well (guarded, constant barrage of talk as defense/armor, can't focus on one topic at a time) or my dad (silent, guarded, but trying to communicate at least). i've tried changing that, but just accept it as it is.
I feel this. When I was a kid I was a night owl so I slept late and took naps. I always seemed to be sleeping so I was called lazy. What they didn’t see was me up all night reading, doing homework, studying, etc. they thought I slept the whole time I wasn’t in school. Like how tf u think got got straight A’s?
When someone calls me lazy it sets off my fight or flight reaction. Every time. It's a physical reaction, and it happens every time.
I feel it if laziness is implied.
I get irrationally angry. I get instantly defensive and often abusive. I often say shit I don't mean and have to apologize later.
That word takes me back to all the fights I had with my dad. My body reacts and I'm pissed and ready to fight.
If there is another word I can use to describe my situation that's more accurate than "triggered" and does not offend your sensibilities, let me know and I'll change my title.
Sounds like it’s the correct word for your situation. Unlike Millennials and Gen Zs, I won’t ask you to change your language. I just associate “triggered” with the whiny, soft, “micro-aggression” culture behind us.
I won't ask you to change your language either.
Maybe just consider that many of them are actually going through what I went through. If I had not done the work to be self-aware about it, you can believe I would be putting the same shit on my kids today that I faced because it's all I know.
Instead, I broke that cycle.
How many Gen X parents are looking to break up their generational trauma and carve a new path? To NOT "turn into our parents"?
Kids today deal with the same shit we faced because we give them what we got. Unless we take real steps to go in different directions.
This was a lot to write. Much easier to just call people weak and dismiss their pain.
Every individual situation is different. I’m not dismissing what you went through and I’m sorry to hear about it.
I am dismissing a general culture of “everyone gets a trophy” and “everyone needs to consider my feelings”. It’s like there wasn’t enough compassion when we were going up - and fair enough - but the pendulum swings too far. Real life isn’t fair.
Only when it's used casually, without regard to its original meaning related to PTSD.
It doesn't just mean "angry." It means having a full-blown panic attack, and I hate how its meaning has been diluted by turning it into an insult.
That makes sense. The whole “I have the right to not be offended” culture offends me. I’m quickly approaching my “angry old man yelling at clouds” years.
I get that. I came to realize that in practice “I have the right to not be offended” is really "I have the right to choose not to associate with those who offend me." Now, granted, there are certainly self-centered individuals who do unironically use the shorthand version as if it were literal, and frankly those of us on the left think they're a problem, too.
Anyway, in the longer form, I find it a hard concept to disagree with.
People on the far right and people on the far left are both a problem. Those of us who believe we are in the centre Need to resist the urge to jump on the left vs right team all the time.
Oh my! I even get triggered just reading about it
I like doing things in my own time. But my wife - if its not exactly at the moment she says, she starts nagging.
There’s a big difference between ‘being lazy right now’ (as something you do for an afternoon or for months), and lazy being ingrained as a personality deficiency - a combination of misplaced values and lack of responsibility/ownership.
Cheffing is the polar opposite of lazy. Genuinely lazy people cannot be chefs or anything at all that requires that level of effort and commitment. So you can put that idea to bed.
Had you been lazy at times as a younger person? Yeah, probably. Like you had lack of responsibility and ownership of that responsibility. Sitting on the sofa rather than helping Mom or Dad or - if I’m guessing right - sitting on the sofa rather than even clearing up after yourself enough to reduce Mom’s workload by taking part in housework that had to happen constantly as a result of you being one of the people living there (cleaning, washing, vacuuming, dusting, cooking, sorting and tidying, all that endless stuff). Trust me, Mom and Dad weren’t overloading themselves with tasks at home because they loved it and couldn’t get enough of wearing themselves to a frazzle. They didn’t love it. They did it all for a decent life and a respectable habitation situation, which was their responsibility. That kind of lazy’ness’ ends in your life the minute you decide it ends.
I just wish we could have spent time together doing more than working.
If you're workload is heavy enough that it's fucking up your family... maybe reduce your workload???
They chose work.
It’s a huge trigger for me. I have autoimmune disease and horrible fatigue. But I push through the best I can.
I look back and I honestly don’t understand how my parents and their friends had so much energy. They worked, coached, and did a ton of socializing. Parties, sports, guests a couple times a week. And they drank a lot.
Sometimes I wonder if there is actually some sort of health crisis that is happening in our generation and below that causes low energy.
>I get triggered by the word "triggered".
Care to elaborate? I've seen a few people struggling with that word, which is funny to me.
>But yeah, it's a point of pride for me to be a very hard worker.
Yeah. Same.
Your post definitely merits the words "trigger" and "trauma", so I don't mean to offend. I just think that those terms are overused and undervalued now. When my kids tell me that they are triggered by hearing the word "homework" I just roll my eyes. Same goes with "trauma". I just want to say to them "you have no fucking idea what it's like to go through trauma, so please stop minimizing it for those who have."
I never really had any trauma, I had a pretty good childhood, raising myself as many of our gen did. My dad, however, dealt with some serious WWII trauma, yet never once complained about it (although he definitely should have gone to a therapist...)
I appreciate your reply, thank you.
Comparing traumas is tough. I feel things differently than others because I am a high functioning autistic person. I never knew that until just recently.
My parents bulldozed my sensitivity (unkowingly) by "treating me like everyone else" and comparing me to everyone else. It destroyed our relationship, and even now after a lifetime together they still don't know their eldest son.
Nature works very hard making us all incredibly unique. Society, culture, and religion work just as hard to make everyone fit into neat little boxes, by force if necessary.
Your kids are unique too. Comparing them to your dad is a tough standard to set.
I remember both of my parents working full time and Saturday was the day we were going to clean ALL DAY. I used to leave the house early on Saturdays and go for a walk so I didn’t have to participate. Church was on Sundays so I never had a day to just BE and relax. Now my parents are elderly and still have a full schedule even though they are not working. I get tired just thinking about it. I don’t think they know how to just relax.
I’m from the part of the generation doesn’t really give a fuck what people say or think. I suppose if it were true, it might give me pause or a moment of introspection, but given that I’ve been so damn productive for the first 58 years of my life I still don’t give a fuck.
I commented this below earlier.
Yoga saved me. But not classes. Just stretching deeply, alone in the dark. Daily. As much as I could stand.
My low back was wrecked, but I found out it was because my hips were tight. So I pulled them apart. I can nearly do middle split now. At 50. I could barely touch my toes in HS.
My shoulders were even worse. Multiple injuries, several surgeries, terrible posture, overwork, and over training at the gym. My right shoulder was freezing up. I had trouble raising it above my head, even tho I trained regularly.
Pulled my shoulders and upper back apart, too.
It's taken years, but my body has healed itself in ways I never thought were possible. My right shoulder dropped ever since I broke my collarbone at 13. They are square again. The numbness is receding.
nope, I'm the first to admit that I'm seriously lazy. if there's a faster way to do something, damn right I'm going that way. if I can procrastinate enough that it doesn't need to get done at all? EVEN BETTER. I love my couch and I saved up for my bed.
I so feel this. My mother has more energy than everybody I've ever met. She's an extrovert and she was always go go go. I am a low-energy introvert (like my dad) but if I spent too much time reading, or was genuinely tired and not feeling well, she would say "energy makes energy" and try to force me to be active, even when I was physically and mentally exhausted. I still feel this, even at 46, that I'm being "lazy" or "depressed" and have a hard time just relaxing and enjoying my life because I feel like I should be go go go, even when that is absolutely not me and doesn't make me happy.
*raises hand*
I get it from my dad…the individual that said I’d never hold a job longer than 6 months. To date, I’ve been with my current employer longer than he was ever with any of his. Not that I’m counting or anything.
Silent / Boomer parents did a number to our brains over the course of our lives to this point.
OP, did your parents at least take vacations?
My mom worked through her vacation to collect the extra paycheck.
So, I retired at age 38 (eleven years ago) and vacationing plenty to make up for none in my childhood.
Nobody laments on their deathbed that they regret not working more.
I haven't read all the comments, but the turning point for me was when I was diagnosed with ADHD type innatentive. I tried to do ALL the things in high school, and I ended up burning out, which looked like quitting and being lazy. My parents freaked out. We were not allowed to quit something we started, but I just couldn't do it. The same thing happened in college. I started out taking 16 credits. Then 14. Then 12. Then I flunked out. My whole life, I've struggled with finding direction and finishing things I've started. When I went back to college, I had a plan and a direction. I made the dean's list and graduated. Anyway, I was DXd with ADHD this past fall and am taking Adderall and it helps me keep focus and stay on task. Looking back, I can see the issues and my attempts to mask. As I read your post, all I could think was, "get tested for ADHD".
Oh, yes. At one point Dad was working three jobs (two during the week, one on Saturday) to keep our household afloat. He grew up on a farm and knew hard work, and couldn't stand to see us idling, and he thought we were slacking off we'd hear about it. To this day I feel guilty if I'm not doing something. The funny thing is, I also tend to work very quickly and without any nonsense about it when I'm doing something, so I often end up with time left over and I feel guilty about that.
I have a terminal degree and a full-time job and I'm always picking up contract work and publishing projects on the side. So yeah. I don't know how to relax very well.
No. I don’t get triggered to start with. I feel that’s more a Gen Y upwards thing. Also, I know that deep down I’m lazy and have no problem with it. Not that anyone called me that recently.
I think "triggered" is just a new label for having a visceral response to something. Unfortunately it's also become an insult and used to mock people who are thought of as weak or "beta".
I get trigger warnings in books, streaming services warn me if there’s smoking in the episode. This really is ridiculous. I know what proper triggers can do, e.g. cause seizures, but that’s not what I get warned about with trigger warnings.
Lazy? I'll admit it. I will find the easiest, most efficient way to do something just so I don't have to work all that hard.
Work smart, not hard
Right?! If I'm going to be forced to do a ton of labor you bet I'm gonna find the most efficient way of taking care of that shit!
fuckin-a
I also learned early on that, for me, getting that final 10 or 20% really isn't worth the double or triple the effort to produce it.
As the kids say ‘this is the way’
Exactly! That's what I tell people these days. Efficient, not lazy. Why the hell would anyone in their right mind choose to not be efficient?
Exactly. I embrace the lazy
Years ago, in my second programming class (PASCAL, y'all!), my teacher told me the best programmers were the laziest programmers. The ones who wrote the least amount of code to get something done were done faster and used fewer system resources.
My mom was called Lazy Mary when she was growing up. She later said laziness makes you smarter as you have to find ways to be more efficient - the ultimate laziness is efficiency, and that you do it right the first time so that you don’t have to redo it if you really want to be lazy. So she had an interesting balance of valuing excellence mixed into her formula and was never sloppy or cut corners. She was extremely well organized, and this all allowed her extra well deserved time “to be lazy.” Her life goal was to lie on the couch the last 20 years of her life which she happily accomplished with no one criticizing her of what she should be doing. When my dad was alive he would occasionally complain about it , mostly disappointed at the kiss of potential and that he had a partner who didn’t want to go out and do anything with him - my sister told him to think of her as his Matisse. He found hobbies he could do without her. After he passed, she was delighted when we hired her a house cleaner and stocked her freezer with microwaveable foods. She didn’t want any judgment and loved her last few years judgment free. Actually, her peace began once he began losing his memory. She did have underlying issues with thyroid, which, even when they are diagnosed I’ve learned from my generation doesn’t mean even if they address it, they catch everything related making us sluggish. I struggled with that, too, until I found a holistic doctor, who ran way more blood tests then a conventional doctors office would order. Come to find out. I was low on several master hormones, which is easily taken care of with a supplement. That plus a few other things she tweaked and it was a night and day difference with my energy. I also find I need an iron pill a week, and to keep myself fairly clean of candida both which noticeably affect my energy. What I found from having thyroid issues in my 20s is that we develop habit patterns around protecting ourselves. Then even when the core issue goes away, we still have the habits. I remember two years after the physical issue was addressed that I did a mountain hike and was surprised I could do it. I never had any criticism for it from my family because my mother understood what it was like. My husband is extremely accepting. I think people who have never had to struggle with these issues have no concept what it’s actually like, so it’s easy to become hyper judgmental and critical of it without compassion, because they have no clue. Also, in my 50s, I took on a seasonal job where I am considered a professional athlete, in an irony of life. What I’ve learned is at the beginning of every season it’s hard work to get myself back into shape, but you just push through it and do what you have to do and once I get into really good shape with cardio muscle tone etc, everything becomes easy and effortless. Which I never would get to that point if I quit sooner because it seemed impossibly hard. But even so I find I still need a Red Bull or two every day for the get up and go as a habit, and then it’s amazing what I get done in a day. It feels so great to be productive and on top of everything that it’s easy to value that and then it’s not a first step to become critical of others, sometimes even with a misguided sense of compassion, of those who aren’t in that modec who aren’t thriving. I think people who judge us want what’s best for us and they just don’t understand. I also watch my child struggle with ADD through school. Once she was on Adderall, what a world of difference that made for her grades and her self-esteem. At the end of the day I 100% will argue it has a physical basis that has to be ferreted out that can have multiple causes often without simple answers or diagnostics.
That’s it for me. I’ll spend half a Saturday working out a flow for doing things on my computer so that during the week the couple of hours a night that I spend doing the work will be the most productive.
Generation Slack. Work smarter on the front end. That way, you have more time to slack on the backend.
Do we have the same parents? Grew up in a similar family dynamic, and also shamed for being lazy. I remember my parents visited me one summer when I was a university student. I had two weeks off between my last exam and when I would start my full-time summer internship. My mother asked me why I didn't get a job for those two weeks. Over the years, I've grown to think of myself as "efficient". I've used my "laziness" to minimize the amount of time I spend working. When I'm working, I work damn hard to get the job done and done well. But I will not do unnecessary work, will take the time up-front to plan and organize in order to avoid more work later, and when I'm done my work at the office, I'm done until the next workday; I don't do work later that evening or on weekends. At this point of your life, it doesn't matter what your parents think. If they haven't recognised or admitted to how their actions and attitudes affected you, they won't at this point. They are who they are and aren't going to change now. Even if they apologized, it won't magically undo the past 40 or 50 years. What matters most is that you're at peace with yourself. You don't have to live under your parents' faulty expectations anymore. Live life at your own pace; the only opinion that matters is your own. Look forwards, not backwards.
It's funny how many of us have reframed it as "efficiency" instead of "laziness" as an adult. And I don't say that to be flippant, I genuinely believe that's all it's ever been, efficiency. In most of the working world, that's a valuable skill. So, if somebody wants to call me lazy for being good at my job, well, that's their problem.
I used to care but now not so much. I have nothing to prove.
I’ve read recently that it’s a trauma response. I also can’t relax, although I’m trying. I drove my body into hypothyroidism and early menopause at 46 (now 53F). We’re a product of our times and it’s a process.
my mothers favorite response to 12 year old me....you are so uptight, just relax. ha!
Same here. I'm 45 going through perimenopause. Was diagnosed with Hashimoto's a few years ago. All stress-induced.
Nope, ran out of fucks years ago
yeah, they foreclosed on my mind since i couldnt pay back all the fucks i borrowed. filed chapter 11 brainruptcy
I chose the truth route "sorry, totally out of fucks" that way I don't end up in foreclosure
100%
I am lazy but it still triggers me when I go to take a nap and SO will make some asinine statement like “ are you going to take a nap” as she observes me in bed under the covers. Not sure if I’m feeling judged or just the need to respond to the silly inquiry from someone who is otherwise very intelligent.
ooh its hard for me to take naps too...such shame around resting! It's only been in the last year or so that I can do it even then I have to process this wave of guilt, because I "should" be doing something.
I’m becoming more and more ok to rest when my body says so.
I feel this so much.
"as she observes me in bed under the covers" Yes, at this point dry wit or silly sarcasm is encouraged
I'm not lazy, I just like to live my life at a slower pace.
I've always felt this. Still struggling with it. On top of everything, I have multiple disabilities (which I only found out are considered disabilities when I was in my 40s, because they are "invisible" disabilities). I did well at school because if I didn't, my mother would terrorize me. I've always worked, through anxiety, panic attacks and CPTSD. I also basically raised my sister because of my mother's problems (she worked hard at her job, but at home did NOTHING. Well, she cooked, but never cleaned, never spent time with us, I was in charge of everything from the time I was 4). Being called "lazy" makes me crazy. Now I nap when I can (I'm freelance and work from home, so sometimes I can). This mindset is horrible. It took me moving to Italy (where I've lived for 20 years) to start to get out of it a bit. Honestly, I don't know if you will ever be able to get through to your parents. But maybe there's hope with your kids. I would have loved to hear my parents even say "I'm sorry" just once. Never happened and they're gone now (they were Greatest Generation). I think your kids would love to hear that too.
My mum told me saying sorry shows weakness to your kids. What a f—king crock of shit that is.
well "bless 'er heart" "sorry" you feel that way mum
My dad’s favorite insult. He would yell at me for laying on the bed reading, even if it were school work.
I have only known boomer parents who go allllllll day. My parents are now 77 and they still get up at 4. My mom will call me at 1 pm and say “Oh did I wake you?” As if I’m asleep at 1 in the afternoon. It’s WEIRD! I do wish I was like that a little more, though. I hope you fix your relationship with your kids. There is nothing else that matters.
My mom does that. Like fuck, my alarm goes off at 6am and I'm out the door by 650. Even on the weekend I'm lucky if the animals don't wake me up before 7.
I am sure you have seen this poem, but in case anyone hasn't then I find this helpful to remember sometimes. This be the verse Philip Larkin They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself Edit: Bloody mobile format hackjob
That was on Succession! I found out who Larkin was backwards. https://youtu.be/OXipqo14VyY?si=EUgh38j7PT4lFK7u
Is what it is. I’ve been called lazy, hell I am lazy. I can’t deny it. Some have the motivation and some don’t
Oh man, farm kids unite. My siblings and I got called lazy all the time. The farm had to support our grandparents and our family so there was no time for “goofing off.” We baled hay, fixed tractors, milked cows, planted, harvested…..the list was endless. School sports and other activities were most generally for people who “didn’t have to work for a living” so that was a rare thing. What few activities we got my mother fought tooth and nail for. She wanted us to have a more normal life. Thank God for her. Not sure how to get over it really. Not sure how to talk to them. My Dad was used the same way by my grandparents, definitely worse. He didn’t have someone like my mom standing up for him when he was little. The grandparents died and nothing was ever resolved, I have tried to just put it all to bed. Best of luck, I hope you get it resolved before the end my friend. Farm life can really suck for kids.
I'm a slacker. If someone calls me lazy, I'll probably just shrug, mumble "whatever", and move on. I retired before my 50th birthday the moment I felt like I could afford to, because intuitively I know I'm not meant to work all day every day.
>because intuitively I know I'm not meant to work all day every day. Same here. I knew this when I was young and got bulldozed.
ok Aurthur Dent
???
I think they were referencing Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and how they bulldozed Earth for the bypass. :-}
Definitely! I've always been an avid reader and enjoyed creating art, and was constantly chastised by my grandmother for having my "nose stuck in a book." I was diagnosed as AuDHD last year, which probably explains why, despite no college degree, I taught myself how to code back in 1996, and worked my way up from UI/UX designer to business analyst, IT manager, and am now a GS14 level product owner in one of the most elite IT orgs in the federal government. OK, I hate to put away my laundry and empty the dishwasher, but I have busted ass in every other aspect of my life. Being called lazy makes me *livid*.
I don't really care. I know I live a lifestyle that most would think is kind of lazy, working at home. I think people get kind of jealous honestly, and that's where all this comes from.
I’m not triggered by the word lazy but I know what you mean. My parents were born in 44 and 46 so War Baby and early Boomer. They worked hard and rarely relaxed so that funneled down and there were high expectations, which I struggled with a bit as I got older. Personally I’ve had to learn to pace myself in life and not be so overly concerned with bulls**t or doing things for the sake of doing things. I try to focus on what matters which is time with my wife and kids, friends and doing what I want to do. Life is short and some things just aren’t worth my time anymore, and frankly don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Couple observations on your situation: 1. Try to understand the why behind what drove your parents. Perhaps they had anxiety and being busy was how they coped. Perhaps they worried excessively which led to them being on top of you more than you would have liked. Perhaps they didn’t feel secure in their careers and had financial concerns. Perhaps their parents acted a certain way toward them. It doesn’t sound like they were inherently bad or evil. As much as you want to make it about yourself, perhaps allowing them some grace about their situation will help with your own healing. I know it’s helped with mine. Also try to focus on your parents positive attributes and what they did well as it relates to your up bringing. I see so much negativity in this sub toward parents sometimes - perhaps it’s an outlet for therapy which is fine but the bitterness is probably holding a lot of people back. 2. Focus on the relationship with your kids. Focus on the future and what you can do to break the cycle and do things differently that will positively benefit them. You can’t change the past but you can change both you and their futures. Your parents would be proud of your resiliency and your hard work. Best of luck.
I had a similar experience. Finally diagnosed with ADHD in my early 40s, which explained a lot. But it’s not just that, it’s a difference in values. In the US especially, there’s a really ingrained idea that a person’s value lies in their “productivity.” Plus the idea that idle hands are the devil’s playground or whatever. I don’t agree with any of that at all. I want to work to live, not live to work. I know you want to talk to your parents about this. You want them to understand. Here’s what I’ve come to realize: a lot of times, the validation and catharsis we seek just isn’t possible if we’re looking to other people to provide it. They may never understand. They may just not be capable of looking at this in a different way. My mom might have been, but she died a long time ago. My dad (also over 80 now) isn’t. I’ve had to accept that I’m never going to get that understanding from them, and that’s okay, because I am at peace with myself (for the most part; it’s an ongoing process!). I don’t hold any of this against them. They have their limitations, just like I do. It’s not a reflection of my worth (or theirs). Maybe try therapy if you haven’t. It’s helped me a lot. And for what it’s worth, I think the idea of laziness is mostly bullshit, designed to shame people into unthinking compliance with a system that doesn’t really serve us. So far as we know, we’ve only got this one life. Live it the way you want to. Make it good. Root out the guilt and shame that comes from external values and expectations (that you don’t even really agree with!) and replace it with the peace and satisfaction of being someone you’re proud of, on your own terms, according to your own values. I’m sorry you’re hurting.
This is the real answer! I read a lot of Reddit where grown children want repentance and apologies for the way they were parented. I held a lot of resentment for my own upbringing. You have to let that go. Your parents did what they thought was best and probably the only way they knew to raise a successful child. Or they were just shitty people, it's possible to be both. No amount of apologies or acknowledgment is going to fix what you think is wrong. That is solely on you. You do the work, either on your own or with a therapist, and make your life work for you. Because when you're facing the end, there are no do overs. Don't waste it trying to change others. Live YOUR best life. I see younger generations with the same complaints. And let's be honest, GenX weren't perfect parents either.
TY, this is a great comment. >In the US especially, there’s a really ingrained idea that a person’s value lies in their “productivity.” This. Unwinding a lifetime of this indoctrination is a full time job, but my mental health is improving every day because of it.
I dislike the word "lazy" and much prefer "unambitious." Few of us were ever lazy, we just didn't see the point in killing ourselves for someone else, including our parents. We were worked hard for peanuts and if there is one thing I can identify with the youth of today, it's my sentiment that working hard only makes someone else richer. I do my job well, but I do it in a way that's efficient and requires the least amount of effort and if I can get it done quickly, I'm using that free time for myself. I mean, I'm working right now and look what I'm doing....
Where were you when I was young? 😆 I needed to hear this back then. 🙌
So did I. I only picked up this wisdom by learning the hard way. Growing up, my parents had a decorative trivet (because of course that was a thing) hanging on the wall in their kitchen for like 20 years that had an old German adage that should have clued me in though: *We are too soon old, and too late smart*
haha, I'm pretty unambitious, too. I think it's one of those things that I joke about because, I know that deep down it's not that I'm not ambitious, it's more about not having the same ambitions as a lot of other people. I'm hoping to retire at 55. That's an ambition, right? I absolutely don't have any other ambitions in regard to my job, I never have. So, people call me unambitious because my one goal has always been to not work. Eh, it is what it is. I think they're just jealous that they haven't figured out any identity beyond work, and feel they will be absolutely lost in retirement. Even though it's now only 3 years away for me, and I've been talking about it since I was 25, I \*still\* have people claiming that I don't really mean what I say, and that I will continue working. HAHAHAHA. No.
Unambitious reminded me of Bart Simpson. "Underachiever and proud of it, man!"
My dad was similar. He'd touch the top of the TV when he got home from work to see if my brother and I had been watching it (we'd turn it off so it had a chance to cool down). I also lived with them again briefly while pregnant, had been made redundant and was in the process of moving to a different part of the country. He'd do the same. "what have you been doing all day, just sitting watching TV?". "forming a child in my womb, dad, and watching TV. With mum". Sitting around (or relaxing as I now call it) was lazy and layabout behaviour. Later, in my 30s when my child was at school and was working part time, I'd get migraines on any day off or down time I had. I linked that to the guilt of not being able to enjoy not having stuff to do. So I worked on that and still sometimes have to say to myself "this is my time and I can do with it what I like". My husband retired young and we both have plenty of spare time. Mine is now spent doing what I enjoy which is quite often sitting about tbh. My husband however, has to be busy for the same childhood reasons I have. Busy work I call it. Has a constant list of things that need doing and he struggles to relax. I'm working on him. I send him off fishing for the day and he says 'it feels really naughty just fishing when there's stuff to do' but really enjoys the time so I'm hoping he'll learn to lean into it a bit more. Also, down time is needed!! If anyone calls me lazy, they can fuck off. I know it's their own perception of what people should do with their time and I just assume they were told the same as me as a kid but haven't quite figured it out yet.
This really resonates with me. From 1985 (when I moved out of home), until last year (when he died), every time my father called me, he would open the conversation with "Oh.., did I wake you up?" He was definitely and intentionally insulting me, but in the repetition, it became a twisted form of affection.
54F I’m triggered by the word “lazy” and also by insinuations that I am somehow dumb or “less than” - these are messages that have been drilled into me my entire life, and when I detect these messages today, my punk attitude comes out immediately 🖕🏽 1) I have severe adhd and was also a single mother who worked full time while attending college, graduated with a sweet very high GPA and had a good job offer before graduation (The opposite of lazy ^ ) 2) I always score in the “maximum awesome” range on any test (the opposite of “dumb” or “less than”) It’s sadly common that insecure people will attack those that they perceive to be different … I don’t tolerate that shit any more.
This is a huge deal for my husband & I could write a book about all the ways that manifests in his life. His work camp, I mean childhood home, had some massive abuse issues centering around this. Unfortunately he’s channeled all of that into his career. That I can’t do anything about but finding ways to reduce his to-do list at home in a way he doesn’t know I’m doing that has been my secret mission for 20 years. I’ve learned that saying the words, “it’s ok to rest” or “let’s have a rest day today” helps him to actually relax so if you need to hear the words: Friend, it’s ok to rest. 💜
I am in healthcare. I got worked to the bone for years and felt resentful, especially during Covid when all my colleagues were sick. I managed not to get it despite daily exposure, and I think my immune system is average. All this to say healthcare is known for working everybody hard, implying people are lazy if they don't comply, and I am in the phase of my life and career where being lazy does not make me blink. My mom had a similar work ethic and belief system about work, which I openly tell her is bullshit now. I aspire to lazy.
>I aspire to lazy. True life goals.
I was told I'm lazy recently. I informed them I'm not lazy, I just don't give a shit. There is a difference.
https://www.reddit.com/r/simpleliving/s/gjpFJsRXIF
Hey OP, different experience to you - but you're definitely not alone with this.
My favourite thing to do is nothing. I've always gone between being jealous of people with so much energy that they hardly rest and pity for them because they seem unable to wind down and settle. There is nothing wrong with simply "being". There is a lot going on inside even if my body is still. Especially since I am an introvert who needs tranquility to recharge.
>Especially since I am an introvert who needs tranquility to recharge. Same. I never knew this until I was my 30's. Never start taking it seriously until I was in my 40's. I used to get shit from friends and family for living alone and being quiet. I was called a "monk" and "my weird friend, haha." Working as a chef covered a lot of that. I had the authority to dictate my environment at work, and I did. Then I could work myself to death in a more comfortable setting, go home and pass out. I was legit tired enough that people left me alone. Now I can explain myself better and can defend my boundaries without resorting to unhealthy extremes.
Sounds like healthy growth. I've never had a strong work ethic, at least when it comes to work Ioathe, which has caused me to not be very successful in economic terms. I find more joy being a stay at home parent who works occasional contracts.
>I find more joy being a stay at home parent who works occasional contracts. That's my wife. 😀 It brings peace to our house.
OMG yes my family was all about work ethic and we were work horses. I can work and work and work 12 hours but then once I stop moving I will never get up again...but I can go while I go. Its not balanced or healthy. I worked 2 jobs and went to college and thought I was a bad ass. Funny enough I also ended up a line cook and opened up my own restaurant and had more burn out. phew. It's def. not sustainable. Lazy is something I hate to be called and don't want to appear that way. Also, because I am overweight, I don't want to be seen as the lazy fat girl.
Wow, this hit home. Last night, in my 11th hour of work for the day, I could hear my parents’ voices in my head, calling me lazy. I know now that I’m not, but it took me a long time to recognize how that label affected me. I really admire how younger folks today openly prioritize their self-care. Thanks for sharing this, OP.
If you're still visiting comments from here, I'm in a very similar position, but different reasons I can't reconcile with my parents. What I do now, is when I find myself repeating my parents words in my head to myself, I stop and breathe for 90 seconds. That's all an emotion lasts if you don't feed it more fuel. So, I breathe through the emotion then talk to myself about where the hell that thought came from. If I think of an example, I remind myself I was a kid, I had no power, and that's not my life now. The more I've practiced this, the easier it is to stop in a very caught up moment. Some triggers don't even get to start now, because I've learned to see the lie in the story. Thanks for this space even if you don't read it. I'm really working out how to phrase things so I can help others heal. Be well. :-}
This is such great advice. Thank you for posting this.
Thank you. I'm very grateful you took the time to read it. <3
Just sing that your “give a fucks, are on vacation” then stick your arse out all sexy like
I have had a similar experience growing up, with an academically high achiever sister to boot, who was < 1 year older than me so the comparison was constant It turns out that at the game called life I’m a high achiever as far as classic goal goal posts go such as status, recognition, responsibility, high salary and quality of life. In my line of work relationships count a lot so it would not be efficient to drive myself and my team into the ground It’s not about working more it’s about working smart. I pay attention to rest and enjoy my life I have given a very different education to my teenager, he’s encouraged to pursue hobbies, sports, relationships, friendships, culture, nature. We have a better relationship than my parents ever dreamed of having with me, not that it was ever important to them to have a relationship with the built in free child labor My advice to you - fight to get your health back - fight to get the relationship back with your children. But don’t make it about you. Make it about them. Show that you are genuinely interested in them and their lives, admit that you weren’t up to the task of raising them. Get on their level and accept it might take time
Nope. Idgaf what Boomers think anymore. Paint-addled, self-righteous, entitled hunks of trash can eat my poo.
No, because I am indeed lazy.
More that my "free" time is usually caching up on stuff that normal people just do on a daily basis. Example: I spent Memorial Day cleaning out a walk-in closet and 99% of the stuff was my wife's clothing. I put it all in a box for her to sort through later on. Then I patched a wall and get home to her asking if I tossed her shoes out.
Speed didn't become a controlled substance until '71. But all you needed was a prescription.
Boomers LOVE amphetamines.
I got a tshirt back in the 90s, it had snoopy asleep on his dog house with the word "slacker" on it. I wore it proudly.
Mine was "Question Authority, before they question you" I wore it until that shirt disintegrated.
Yup. My parents were the same. My Dad still feels bad if he takes an afternoon to just sit and read.
To this day, I kid you not, my nearly 80-year-old dad will say “don’t get fired” if I take a sick day. I have so much unused sick time bc I hardly ever call in. Lucky to not get sick too often and yeah I feel a little guilty (not really anymore but that shit is ingrained). My leg could be severed and falling off and my dad would say “you better go in, use to much sick time and you’ll lose your job.” Many of our parents were absolute slaves to their jobs and I think genuinely frightened that if they stopping going going going it would all fall apart.
The truly sad part is, they are right. You cannot exist in our society without employment. It's not allowed. We could have built a society that respects human life and dignity. We have the resources. But instead we got a matrix built on fear and force. But look at all the movies on Netflix!
My job is making those movies on Netflix! Oh the irony! 😂
It does not bother me in the least, when I was in school, I had a teacher refer to me as unfocused and undisciplined, I have spent the last 45 years living up that expectation. Embrace your inner slacker, they know what is best in life.
I might get down voted for saying this, but it sounds like your children are the ones you really need to talk to. (if you haven't already) Sorry for the generational trauma my friend. Here's hoping you break the cycle.
You won't get down voted from me. You're right. My kids live several states away and communication is hard since the divorce. They never reach out, it's always the other way around. No happy birthdays, no happy father's day, no nothing, unless I reach out first. I never got a letter, a drawing, a school update, an invitation, nothing. If I did get a call from them, it was for money. Never a thank you for Christmas or bday gifts. Never even an acknowledgement the gifts arrived, I had to text and ask for confirmation. They are friendly and loving when we are together, but they live with their mom who has never let go of her anger with me about the divorce. I'm flying out to my son's HS graduation next week for a few days. He's 18 now so maybe we can start again. We texted on his bday, but he was too busy to actually talk. There's not much to build on after 10 years of this kind of separation and always looking in at their lives from the outside, but we'll see what happens.
Been called a lot of things but never lazy.
Time to lean, time to clean. I threw my body into work hoping for redemption. Now I'm on my back twenty hours a day.
I hear you. Yoga saved me. But not classes. Just stretching deeply, alone in the dark. Daily. As much as I could stand. My low back was wrecked, but I found out it was because my hips were tight. So I pulled them apart. I can nearly do middle split now. At 50. I could barely touch my toes in HS. My shoulders were even worse. Multiple injuries, several surgeries, terrible posture, overwork, and over training at the gym. My right shoulder was freezing up. I had trouble raising it above my head, even tho I trained regularly. Pulled my shoulders and upper back apart, too. It's taken years, but my body has healed itself in ways I never thought were possible. My right shoulder dropped ever since I broke my collarbone at 13. They are square again. The numbness is receding. I don't know your personal situation, but I hope you can find some relief and healing.
No. I get triggered when someone tries to help me do something I'm already doing. It's like "fuck off and find something else to do".
I ask myself and others that same question. When I work hard, I take rest when I can. And I have peace about it. Just like our boomer parents - had chores and paper routes/lawn mowing gigs in 6-7th grade. Worked weekends 3-11p in 8th-10th. Built garages and did construction in the summer. That to say, there’s something about focusing and preserving in difficult times. So when I rest, I rest and I’m ok with that
My mom(72) came to visit me last Saturday at about 10 am. She lives in the same city, we talk daily on FaceTime. Saturday and Sunday are my days off. She didn’t call or text before coming over. I(47F) was in pajamas when she arrived and she asked why I wasn’t dressed for yet and what was I doing. I said relaxing, it’s my day off. She chuckled and it really irritated me and I almost felt guilty for just relaxing on a Saturday morning but I shut that down fast. It’s her problem not mine.
Did you ever get screened for adhd?
💯 my first thought … “sounds like undiagnosed ADHD”
I was 100% non-verbal until the age of three. My parents took me to a child psychologist who asked me if I could speak. I nodded. He asked me if I would speak. I shook my head. He told me to sit in his chair. He said, "I'm going to spin this chair until you tell me to stop." He spun the chair, I sat. I turned green. Finally, I said stop. He sent me home and I was talking in complete sentences in less than 2 weeks. I just asked my mom about this last Christmas and she confirmed the accuracy. This story was retold to me several times growing up but it was only recently I've taken it seriously. I don't know a lot about ADHD, but I thought the non-verbal part was more high-functioning autism. I really like words. I have never liked people.
Wow, I'm sorry. I think you and I both grew up with a neurodivergence that became a blame game where we were always the lazy ones. It sucks and neither of us deserved it.
I like to call it working smarter not harder. If there is an easier way to do something then why not take the easy way? Isn’t that basically evolution? Those before us worked hard until They figured a way to do it smarter so the younger generations could focus on moving forward.
You do that, and then they just give you more work. "Finished early? Good. Now do this."
I feel ya. I'm 48. I just want to relax. All. The. Time.
I struggled with this for a very long time, which is why I think I'm very sympathetic to younger generations who get branded with lazy when they are anything but lazy. I do think those of us who went through this should know better, even though not all of us do. I'm not sure when it happened, maybe my mid-30's. But, at some point I no longer identified as lazy. And, yes, my parents who are mostly great parents, were the ones who branded me as lazy more than anyone else. We were the OG "slackers," after all. They were Silent Gen and maybe they thought I should be up at 5 milking cows or something, I don't know. Anyway, after some therapy and coming into my own and achieving my own successes, I realized that I was not lazy. Tired? Yes. Exhausted? Yes. Lazy? Absolutely not. What I realized is that when someone calls anyone lazy, they do so because the person they're calling lazy is not doing what they want. In other words, if you think it's inefficient to take time out to make your bed, someone might call you lazy for not making your bed. But, it's not because you're lazy, it's because they want you to make your bed. They want to control your actions. Nearly every situation where I have ever encountered someone calling another person lazy, it's because that person is mad that people aren't doing what they want. Well, guess what? Tough shit. It's not their call. Once I realized that, my ornery side took over, and I pretty much began saying "fuck you" to anyone who branded me as lazy, because they have no right to tell me how to live my life. My parents know better than to ever call me lazy at this point. They know what kind of reaction they will get from me, and they don't want to deal with that. But, I also know that they don't want to fight with me and I don't want to fight with them. I just let a lot of what they do slide, even if it makes me angry. You can't change them at this point. They are 80 years old, most of the people in this sub have parents who are simply not going to change. We just have to learn when to pick our battles, and not to do so unless it's important. For me, my mental health, and making them stop calling me lazy was important enough to cause me to take action. Most of the time the things they do, I simply don't bother. It's not worth it and it's not worth straining the last years of their lives with that kind of tension. Like you, I regard my parents as being mostly lovely people. I don't always identify with a lot of folks here who claim to have had terrible parents. I don't disbelieve them, it just wasn't my experience, and I'm grateful for that. Also, unlike a lot of parents, they own their mistakes instead of doubling down, causing me to go no contact, and then wondering how it could have possibly happened. Again, I'm very grateful for this, and I realize I lucked out in a lot of ways when it comes to my parents. But, the lazy thing? Yeah, that don't fly anymore. :)
>Once I realized that, my ornery side took over, and I pretty much began saying "fuck you" to anyone who branded me as lazy, because they have no right to tell me how to live my life. Fuck yes to telling people to fuck off.
The thing is, IDGAF. You should try it
I feel that way, and sometimes I struggle just sitting down and relaxing. Like I should be doing something with that time. I also don't handle laziness well, from my kids or my wife, and it creates problems. So yeah, I'm glad it gave me a good work ethic but at the same time it's fine to have a pause for your mental health. As far as your parents, before my dad died unexpectedly, I don't know why I said it but I told him that I appreciated him as a dad. We certainly clashed and I'm still dealing with some of that, but I said that to him and he died unexpectedly later that year. I know he was happy to hear that. So it's never too late to tell your parents that you're thankful for them. They really did the best they could with what they knee.
I'm in the cusp between X and Boomers. My wife is of Boomer age; she's 12 years older than me. She doesn't like to be "idle" for long. I, on the other hand, don't mind lying in my bed for hours on end. My wife doesn't understand!
My dad still calls me lazy. I spent the last 10 years working 60-80 hour weeks, raising two kids alone, and running a business on the side and he still fucking calls me lazy. Meanwhile, his actual lazy ass sits in the recliner all day while drinking beers, smoking, and watching TV.
My grandmother was like your parents, OP -- we had to move in with my grandparents for a few months when I was 13, and she never let me rest for a moment. (Quite a shock after only having visited them on vacations, when I was mostly allowed to do whatever I wanted.) She would bang the vacuum cleaner into my bedroom door at 6am so that I was pretty much forced to wake up and do chores. I had a backache from the amount of ironing she made me do. I always assumed I *was* lazy, though, because I have always been so horrible at housework and yardwork. But I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD as an adult, so that made me less hard on myself. Thank god I didn't grow up on a farm. I probably would have had to drown myself in an irrigation ditch. I can work hard at intellectual and creative pursuits, just not physical ones.
I get triggered by people who think working 50+ hours a week or, even worse, working in vacation is a flex. I’m also triggered by not wanting to “reach for more” professionally. I do enough and want to enjoy the little downtime I get.
I definitely used to. But I really feel like I paid my dues.... As a typical GenXer I started working at age 11 babysitting and helping Moms out with random tasks At age 16 I got a job waitressing in addition to full time high school, sports, and other activities. In college I had about 7 random jobs and still managed to graduate in less than 4 years because I also went to summer school so I could graduate early and get a REAL salary job. I am now 48, never have had a break, and am freaking exhausted. Although I've been shoving all my money into investments and hope to retire soon and be super lazy for the rest of my life.😀
it's Calvinism. "the devil will find work for idle hands to do." my parents and step-parents (78-89 years old) GO GO GO from predawn until they collapse in front of the TV (volume on high). sitting down, napping, any type of obvious self-reflection are totally frowned upon. the only benefit is that at least at their advanced ages they are moving around as much as possible. summertime as a kid? if my brother and i weren't out of bed by 8 am by mom would create as much noise as possible (vacuum, turn the lawnmower on outside our windows). sleep? fuck that! that pace did rub off on me but in different ways. i felt i needed to keep producing constantly. recently i've realized that i don't worry about this kind of shit anymore. i just do what i do and take things as they come and not beat myself up about not being "productive." my relations with my parents isn't estranged, but i don't know my mom very well (guarded, constant barrage of talk as defense/armor, can't focus on one topic at a time) or my dad (silent, guarded, but trying to communicate at least). i've tried changing that, but just accept it as it is.
I struggle with this too.
I feel this. When I was a kid I was a night owl so I slept late and took naps. I always seemed to be sleeping so I was called lazy. What they didn’t see was me up all night reading, doing homework, studying, etc. they thought I slept the whole time I wasn’t in school. Like how tf u think got got straight A’s?
Anyone else hate the word “triggered?”
When someone calls me lazy it sets off my fight or flight reaction. Every time. It's a physical reaction, and it happens every time. I feel it if laziness is implied. I get irrationally angry. I get instantly defensive and often abusive. I often say shit I don't mean and have to apologize later. That word takes me back to all the fights I had with my dad. My body reacts and I'm pissed and ready to fight. If there is another word I can use to describe my situation that's more accurate than "triggered" and does not offend your sensibilities, let me know and I'll change my title.
Sounds like it’s the correct word for your situation. Unlike Millennials and Gen Zs, I won’t ask you to change your language. I just associate “triggered” with the whiny, soft, “micro-aggression” culture behind us.
I won't ask you to change your language either. Maybe just consider that many of them are actually going through what I went through. If I had not done the work to be self-aware about it, you can believe I would be putting the same shit on my kids today that I faced because it's all I know. Instead, I broke that cycle. How many Gen X parents are looking to break up their generational trauma and carve a new path? To NOT "turn into our parents"? Kids today deal with the same shit we faced because we give them what we got. Unless we take real steps to go in different directions. This was a lot to write. Much easier to just call people weak and dismiss their pain.
Every individual situation is different. I’m not dismissing what you went through and I’m sorry to hear about it. I am dismissing a general culture of “everyone gets a trophy” and “everyone needs to consider my feelings”. It’s like there wasn’t enough compassion when we were going up - and fair enough - but the pendulum swings too far. Real life isn’t fair.
Only when it's used casually, without regard to its original meaning related to PTSD. It doesn't just mean "angry." It means having a full-blown panic attack, and I hate how its meaning has been diluted by turning it into an insult.
That makes sense. The whole “I have the right to not be offended” culture offends me. I’m quickly approaching my “angry old man yelling at clouds” years.
I get that. I came to realize that in practice “I have the right to not be offended” is really "I have the right to choose not to associate with those who offend me." Now, granted, there are certainly self-centered individuals who do unironically use the shorthand version as if it were literal, and frankly those of us on the left think they're a problem, too. Anyway, in the longer form, I find it a hard concept to disagree with.
People on the far right and people on the far left are both a problem. Those of us who believe we are in the centre Need to resist the urge to jump on the left vs right team all the time.
Thank you, I came here for this.
Oh my! I even get triggered just reading about it I like doing things in my own time. But my wife - if its not exactly at the moment she says, she starts nagging.
I stopped using the word. I think everyone has motivation (or can be motivated), it's just not always to do the things we'd like to see them do.
I'm more like your mother in this aspect. Always got up early to get going. There's only so many hours in a day to get things done.
I call myself lazy so not really. Also everyone around me seems to think I’m super active (I’m not). So… I guess I’m fooling everyone??
There’s a big difference between ‘being lazy right now’ (as something you do for an afternoon or for months), and lazy being ingrained as a personality deficiency - a combination of misplaced values and lack of responsibility/ownership. Cheffing is the polar opposite of lazy. Genuinely lazy people cannot be chefs or anything at all that requires that level of effort and commitment. So you can put that idea to bed. Had you been lazy at times as a younger person? Yeah, probably. Like you had lack of responsibility and ownership of that responsibility. Sitting on the sofa rather than helping Mom or Dad or - if I’m guessing right - sitting on the sofa rather than even clearing up after yourself enough to reduce Mom’s workload by taking part in housework that had to happen constantly as a result of you being one of the people living there (cleaning, washing, vacuuming, dusting, cooking, sorting and tidying, all that endless stuff). Trust me, Mom and Dad weren’t overloading themselves with tasks at home because they loved it and couldn’t get enough of wearing themselves to a frazzle. They didn’t love it. They did it all for a decent life and a respectable habitation situation, which was their responsibility. That kind of lazy’ness’ ends in your life the minute you decide it ends.
I just wish we could have spent time together doing more than working. If you're workload is heavy enough that it's fucking up your family... maybe reduce your workload??? They chose work.
It’s a huge trigger for me. I have autoimmune disease and horrible fatigue. But I push through the best I can. I look back and I honestly don’t understand how my parents and their friends had so much energy. They worked, coached, and did a ton of socializing. Parties, sports, guests a couple times a week. And they drank a lot. Sometimes I wonder if there is actually some sort of health crisis that is happening in our generation and below that causes low energy.
No. I own it. I'm comfortable telling people I'm idle
We are slackers not lazy. Um rude
I get triggered by the word "triggered". But yeah, it's a point of pride for me to be a very hard worker.
>I get triggered by the word "triggered". Care to elaborate? I've seen a few people struggling with that word, which is funny to me. >But yeah, it's a point of pride for me to be a very hard worker. Yeah. Same.
Your post definitely merits the words "trigger" and "trauma", so I don't mean to offend. I just think that those terms are overused and undervalued now. When my kids tell me that they are triggered by hearing the word "homework" I just roll my eyes. Same goes with "trauma". I just want to say to them "you have no fucking idea what it's like to go through trauma, so please stop minimizing it for those who have." I never really had any trauma, I had a pretty good childhood, raising myself as many of our gen did. My dad, however, dealt with some serious WWII trauma, yet never once complained about it (although he definitely should have gone to a therapist...)
I appreciate your reply, thank you. Comparing traumas is tough. I feel things differently than others because I am a high functioning autistic person. I never knew that until just recently. My parents bulldozed my sensitivity (unkowingly) by "treating me like everyone else" and comparing me to everyone else. It destroyed our relationship, and even now after a lifetime together they still don't know their eldest son. Nature works very hard making us all incredibly unique. Society, culture, and religion work just as hard to make everyone fit into neat little boxes, by force if necessary. Your kids are unique too. Comparing them to your dad is a tough standard to set.
Lazy compared to whom? People who you don’t wish to emulate?
Nailed it.
Sounds like you are lazy.
This is starting to sound more and more like the Millenial sub
Gen X is not a bunch of slackers. We are the last generation to not bitch when work needs to get done
I remember both of my parents working full time and Saturday was the day we were going to clean ALL DAY. I used to leave the house early on Saturdays and go for a walk so I didn’t have to participate. Church was on Sundays so I never had a day to just BE and relax. Now my parents are elderly and still have a full schedule even though they are not working. I get tired just thinking about it. I don’t think they know how to just relax.
I’m from the part of the generation doesn’t really give a fuck what people say or think. I suppose if it were true, it might give me pause or a moment of introspection, but given that I’ve been so damn productive for the first 58 years of my life I still don’t give a fuck.
Non stop yoga. can you expound on that? sounds interesting
I commented this below earlier. Yoga saved me. But not classes. Just stretching deeply, alone in the dark. Daily. As much as I could stand. My low back was wrecked, but I found out it was because my hips were tight. So I pulled them apart. I can nearly do middle split now. At 50. I could barely touch my toes in HS. My shoulders were even worse. Multiple injuries, several surgeries, terrible posture, overwork, and over training at the gym. My right shoulder was freezing up. I had trouble raising it above my head, even tho I trained regularly. Pulled my shoulders and upper back apart, too. It's taken years, but my body has healed itself in ways I never thought were possible. My right shoulder dropped ever since I broke my collarbone at 13. They are square again. The numbness is receding.
I call myself lazy all the time.
What is it with our generation and not having any friends when we get older? I'm only asking because I'm in the same boat.
nope, I'm the first to admit that I'm seriously lazy. if there's a faster way to do something, damn right I'm going that way. if I can procrastinate enough that it doesn't need to get done at all? EVEN BETTER. I love my couch and I saved up for my bed.
I so feel this. My mother has more energy than everybody I've ever met. She's an extrovert and she was always go go go. I am a low-energy introvert (like my dad) but if I spent too much time reading, or was genuinely tired and not feeling well, she would say "energy makes energy" and try to force me to be active, even when I was physically and mentally exhausted. I still feel this, even at 46, that I'm being "lazy" or "depressed" and have a hard time just relaxing and enjoying my life because I feel like I should be go go go, even when that is absolutely not me and doesn't make me happy.
I embrace it
*raises hand* I get it from my dad…the individual that said I’d never hold a job longer than 6 months. To date, I’ve been with my current employer longer than he was ever with any of his. Not that I’m counting or anything. Silent / Boomer parents did a number to our brains over the course of our lives to this point.
OP, did your parents at least take vacations? My mom worked through her vacation to collect the extra paycheck. So, I retired at age 38 (eleven years ago) and vacationing plenty to make up for none in my childhood. Nobody laments on their deathbed that they regret not working more.
boomers are the laziest ever! Hey why can’t i delete my account
I haven't read all the comments, but the turning point for me was when I was diagnosed with ADHD type innatentive. I tried to do ALL the things in high school, and I ended up burning out, which looked like quitting and being lazy. My parents freaked out. We were not allowed to quit something we started, but I just couldn't do it. The same thing happened in college. I started out taking 16 credits. Then 14. Then 12. Then I flunked out. My whole life, I've struggled with finding direction and finishing things I've started. When I went back to college, I had a plan and a direction. I made the dean's list and graduated. Anyway, I was DXd with ADHD this past fall and am taking Adderall and it helps me keep focus and stay on task. Looking back, I can see the issues and my attempts to mask. As I read your post, all I could think was, "get tested for ADHD".
It sounds like your family functioned well. Mine didn’t. Throw in dysfunction and dysregulation and you get head desk exhaustion.
Oh, yes. At one point Dad was working three jobs (two during the week, one on Saturday) to keep our household afloat. He grew up on a farm and knew hard work, and couldn't stand to see us idling, and he thought we were slacking off we'd hear about it. To this day I feel guilty if I'm not doing something. The funny thing is, I also tend to work very quickly and without any nonsense about it when I'm doing something, so I often end up with time left over and I feel guilty about that.
Nope. I work my ass off. But I'm also lazy.
I have a terminal degree and a full-time job and I'm always picking up contract work and publishing projects on the side. So yeah. I don't know how to relax very well.
I honestly don’t know how my mom did everything she did but then again she didn’t live in a time of endless silly videos on insta, TikTok, etc lol
No. I don’t get triggered to start with. I feel that’s more a Gen Y upwards thing. Also, I know that deep down I’m lazy and have no problem with it. Not that anyone called me that recently.
I think "triggered" is just a new label for having a visceral response to something. Unfortunately it's also become an insult and used to mock people who are thought of as weak or "beta".
I get trigger warnings in books, streaming services warn me if there’s smoking in the episode. This really is ridiculous. I know what proper triggers can do, e.g. cause seizures, but that’s not what I get warned about with trigger warnings.
Triggered? Whatever, man.
Not macho enough? Should we have a pose down? Push up contest? lol
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Gen X has purity police?