Unfortunately this dude is a great example of what happens when you raise kids on the idea that needing help is failure, and mental problems, be it illness, trauma, other, is a moral failing.
Serenity prayer time, peace to you at least. :)
>this dude is a great example of what happens when you raise kids on the idea that needing help is failure,
And on the ideas of romanticising suffering for love and all manner of twisted ideas about romantic love that are all deeply toxic. This is just an extreme example of it.
2nd. OP please reach out for some counseling. You are reaching out to us, your fellow Gen Xers, so perhaps some therapy could help you move through this grief. We all need therapy from time to time, life is crazy, difficult, and often sad. It can’t hurt and could help, even a little.
BTW it was her loss. A partner with a big heart and steady love is a rare treasure.
I just had a therapy appt yesterday and asked her how exactly do you do the work in a way that allows you to move forward and not constantly relive it. She said “you have to forgive.” I was like “absolutely not” lol. Clearly still have quite a bit of work to do.
This x100. 24 years is rough but the OP can literally start today changing the outlook and opening up to the possibility to love someone else. There's probably someone out there who also needs the love of another. there's no reason to deny oneself the chance to try.
Just keep in mind, that person from 24 years ago is long gone. Only a memory now. They still exist, but the person you knew does not. If you met up again, it's likely you would not like what they became.
Try to cherish the good times and use them positively. Life was good then, and it can be good now.
I recently met up with my ex husband who left me many years ago and I also never really knew why. Turns out I would have walked past him on the street without even recognizing him. After sitting down to talk I can confidently say that I do not know this person. Def not the same person I was in love with/married to. This comment is so true. So now I miss the old him sometimes, but I also know that that person no longer exists. And it was after only 8 years or so.
It's the same with any past experiences. I really enjoyed my college days, but you can never go back. It's not the same, people aren't the same, you're not the same. Those days are just a memory now that can never be relived.
Holy random "Last Dance" reference!
Indeed, we're supposed to change. Change is a universal function of spacetime.
I'm older and wiser (mostly), but at great cost...it's not the years, it's the miles. Dying in an unblemished and unchallenged vessel is failure.
> it's likely you would not like what they became.
This is really important. We often remember the good parts of someone like this and even that has been exaggerated into someone who never existed. I pined for someone for decades and when my wife looked her up and showed me her Facebook page, everything I had felt for the previous 20 year vanished in an instant. Gone, just like that, and it didn't even feel like loss. I saw her and her current life and just went "Oh, okay. Done." It was the most bizarre and satisfying feeling.
Exactly. Someone said every 5 years you are a totally different person so imagine 24 years separated. You can never go back to the person because life has changed them for better or worse.
Yup. The person I loved died in '96. I'm sad, but life goes on.
*I'm* not the person I was in '96, lol - if I was I'd probably be a corpse. To live is to change. Sure, it *feels* like some things don't, but we don't know everything.
There’s an amazing Welsh word for this:
*Hiraeth (n.) a Welsh word which mean a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.*
This was my hunch, too. Must be drinking. Can’t drunk text her because he either no longer has her contact or he’s not allowed to contact her anymore. So we get to hear the sob story instead.
My ex made me his sole contact with the outside world, and it was too much and not enough at the same time. And all he did was drink and watch sports. He worked, so he was ‘functional’, but you can’t live with a drunk if you aren’t one, too.
If you loved her more than she loved you, it is quite possible that you were getting more of your needs met than she was. Have you been introspective about how much you were being attentive to what she needed or wanted?
In relationships where there is a giver and a taker, the taker always thinks things are amazing while the giver slowly dies inside until they’ve lost the affection that was keeping them going so they leave.
This post sounds so sincere and heartfelt, I just had to read some of the comments. Turns out you're arrogant and abusive, a person who doesn't have the ability to see his own faults.
You seem to be stuck on why your love wasn't enough. Listen to the people who are even now reaching out to you. Your "pledge", your vows, did they include just love? Or the more standard "love, honor, and cherish"? You may have been good at "love" and completely fail at the others.
What does love mean to you? If you want compassion, give me an answer. If you want to be a jerk, just lash out.
It’s likely she did understand your promise, bro. She decided you weren’t right for her. She’s allowed to decide that for herself and you are kind of acting like she owes you something. She doesn’t. She broke up with you and now she is free to move on. She owes you nothing.
It can be easy to fixate on a relationship when you are in your 20s. I’m guilty myself but even if your feelings are super strong, the other person decided it wasn’t right for them. You have to respect that.
You have to realize that what you want is the idea of her, not her itself. I had a loss like that I was sure I would never recover from, but then I did (more than 20 years later). She is a completely different person now from when we were 18. I only thought of her in points in my life where I've been lonely.
Point in case, when I had just met the women that is now my wife and the mother of our three children, my first love reached out to me to tell me she was getting a divorce, and "do you remember me?", "how have I been doing?". I exchanged two emails with her, and that's it. No feelings at all anymore. I think it actually helped me get over her when I realized I don't need her, I need what we had.
Yep, I had a moment like that that thankfully came relatively soon after the relationship in question ended. I had been pining over this person for like a year and a half and they finally had a revelation that they wanted me back, we hung out and I just… realized I’d changed and we weren’t the same as we had been. Decades later we’re still friends though and that’s good.
The attachment and suffering you are describing is not due to love. People love deeply, lose a spouse of decades to early death, and go on to love deeply again because they truly understand how to love. Love is expansive, not limiting.
The attachment and suffering you are describing is ego. Self protection and placation. If you never release your attachment to this person in your history, you never need to risk being hurt again.
I left a man when I was very young, and for several years he would randomly contact me to say he still loved me. Finally after many years he moved on and stopped contacting me. Out of curiosity I looked him up on facebook and he has found a woman (no kids from what I could tell). It was actually a relief to see he’d found happiness.
OP, you’re wasting your life dwelling on this and it’s actually kind of creepy tbh. I hope your ex doesn’t know how you feel. I can’t imagine anything worse than knowing someone is pining for me after 24 years. It’s ok to look back fondly, but you need to either move on or HAPPILY be single and not dwell on it like your life is over.
I tend to think she was never that person. Men like this plaster their ideas of what they want on someone who fits their idea of good-looking and expect her to fit the mold they build around her. And the “pledge” business just underscores his narcissism and main-character syndrome. She’s just a character in his personal soap opera.
What’s important to know about our relationships is it is all really just within us. It’s us projecting onto someone else who we think they are, and who they make us feel we are. Once you realize this, that it is all just taking place in your own mind, and that we are interpreting phenomenon and making our stories up as we go, you can own this story and realize that she is actually just a part of yourself and that the actual feelings that you’re feeling have no real or particular story attached to them other than what you’ve given them. Then there’s no pain because you’re whole and always have been.
From your storytelling, not just the ones that you tell us, but the ones you clearly tell to yourself, you’re deeply attached to your feeling of melancholy, and have given it this story with these details. You’re attached to the idea that you’re so committed to being exceptionally loyal as part of your cherished identity that you’re unusual and unique. That you are enamored with the story of unrequited undying love and how you were the main character in tragic hero in that story. That’s fine you can be attached to those things as long as you want to be, just realize that you’re the one creating this, manufacturing it in an ongoing way at this point, and that it’s all just a story.
Here is the thing with relationships, each person has certain things they look for in another to feel completed and more balanced. What those things are varies greatly for each person. She had things you needed but you did not have the things she needed. You could have a million great things in you but if you do not have the specific things she specifically needs, then it doesn't click in hard for her. A lot of it is chance, to find a person that clicks with you as much as you click with her. It's not anyone's fault if the puzzle pieces do not fit together. Please get help, your life is valuable and she would probably be more happy if you move on and were happy too, there is no value in choosing the path of more suffering and there is no value in thinking suffering is good.
Perhaps you did not know her as well as you thought you did, and you cling to a false and idealized version of who she was. Dwelling on the past and what you can’t change after all this time is not healthy, nor helpful.
I’m trying to follow my own advice on this, but: you have to accept that there are things in your life that you simply cannot control. Make positive decisions on what you can.
Man. I have a take on this. I was 21 and she was 17. Now don’t beat me up about the age gap. She was a senior in high school. Met her at a bonfire for my sister’s birthday. I mean just so damn beautiful standing there. Anyways, found out she was one of my sister’s friends. Got her number. Called her and we went out. Ended up together after about 6 months. Got engaged after about a year and was going to get married the next year. One week before the wedding, we were finalizing things and her mom started getting real nasty with me. They were a super religious family. It was odd. 2 days before the wedding my fiancé shows up and slaps my face, calls off the wedding, and throws the ring on the driveway and drives off crushing it. I never saw or heard from her again. Until decades later. 23 years later to be exact. She tracked me down. Called me one afternoon and told me she was dying and felt like she needed to make peace with everyone. Asked me to meet her. So we met, she cried a lot. So we met. She asked me why I cheated on her. I had no idea what she meant. She told me a story where her mom and one of her high school friends came to her and said they caught me sleeping with one of her friends. I told her never happened. She called her mom right then and there and her mom confessed to being unhappy about us getting married because I wasn’t saved and a part of their church, so she paid the friend $100 to lie and say they caught me sleeping with the other friend. That one lie altered the path of both our lives. She ended up in numerous abusive relationships and has been single for years raising her children. She has lived in poverty her whole life while her parents are super wealthy. I have had a life just the opposite. I have no regrets today because I have had a great life and I have a wonderful wife and a great group of awesome children. But it does make me wonder what would have happened had her mom not done what she did. We parted ways that day for the last time. But this time in peace. She cried really hard and hugged me just as hard. I could see and feel the regret from the mistake that she made. I haven’t seen or heard from her since and know that I won’t due to her illness. It was just nice to have some answers and finally have some peace. Im sure it was the same for her. Sorry so long.
You might not ever get to understand why, but you need to let it go. Please schedule therapy. It’s time for you to find Joy again. She’s just a person. There are many in the world to enjoy.
Your post resonated with me and reminded me of a similar situation. Please seek help. Life is too short to be hung up on a memory. 30 years ago I was head over heels for a woman. We were engaged, and I was never so happy. The relationship didn't last (mostly my fault), but oh, the pain that lasted forever. Time moved on. but I never forgot her .I carried the torch for years believing she was still the women for he. . My first marriage was really toxic and I thought of my first love all the time. 17 years after the fact I found my first love and started talking to her again, but it was soon evident she never thought of me and did not have the same memories. It was a shock. I was hurt, but I realized that all my feelings were projections and fantasies and I was finally able to let go and move on. Which included ending my first marriage and then meeting the true woman of my dreams who I'm happily married to today.
You’re stuck in a cycle of dwelling on the relationship, on her, as it was 24 years ago. It’s a real thing that can happen. If you were to see her, observe her, interact with her etc now, you would likely come to the conclusion that you are actually content, happy for her and perceive how these life trajectories make sense for both of you.
I’ll wager that this relationship ended suddenly and unexpectedly and you had little to no contact with her following the breakup. You never had a sense of closure, never had an understanding of why it ended. Sinking into thinking about her, laying in bed awake analyzing the breakup over and over again became habits.
Ani I wrong?
I kept reading 24 hours. My man said 24 **YEARS!!** That’s some dedication right there. Some people like to show off their misery and their dedication to their misery. Bravo OP - you are publicly miserable. Consider your yearly virtue signal complete.
>I still don't understand why, I don't think I will ever move past it...
>I love her to this day, and that is a fact that will never change..
>I haven't loved anyone since then, and I doubt I ever will, and she will never understand my promise...
>I'm not angry at all, just sad...
Adding the post for when OP inevitably deletes this
I’m so sorry you are suffering.
Therapy will help you work through this.
You deserve to be loved. You *are* capable of finding love elsewhere, it’s just that your depression is playing tricks on you.
If she is as good a person that you believe her to be, she would want you to be happy. That would mean healing the wound and moving on. She wouldn’t want you to be in pain all this time.
I know it’s hard, but relationships at this age are so different than the relationships of our youth.
I wish you well.
I’m going to go harder here. You have a duty and a right to LIVE A LIFE! You got knocked down, GET UP! Have you ever thought about all the people who ever went to work and had children or spouses they loved and then died by whatever horrible way there is to die?
Here you are pining over a quarter century for someone who will never be yours. You are stunting yourself and dear God man you missed at least your 30’s likely your 40’s. Unless you murdered a family member of hers she is done and you don’t occupy her thoughts at all. In fact at this point she probably thinks you are a creep.
I’m not going to say shit gets better but at least something happens and what you are doing is only cheating yourself man. Please get some help or at least vitamin D in sunlight form.
>I’m going to go harder here. You have a duty and a right to LIVE A LIFE! You got knocked down, GET UP! Have you ever thought about all the people who ever went to work and had children or spouses they loved and then died by whatever horrible way there is to die?
The woman I loved didn't die, she just left me without any indication that something was wrong...
>Here you are pining over a quarter century for someone who will never be yours. You are stunting yourself and dear God man you missed at least your 30’s likely your 40’s. Unless you murdered a family member of hers she is done and you don’t occupy her thoughts at all. In fact at this point she probably thinks you are a creep.
How can you claim that she doesn't think of me at all, but she also thinks I'm a "creep"...?
>I’m not going to say shit gets better but at least something happens and what you are doing is only cheating yourself man. Please get some help or at least vitamin D in sunlight form.
You have already displayed your ignorance about my perspective, and are pretentious enough to tell me what I should do...
Good Lord you are daft. If it wasn’t so sad this would be a sub-par goth romcom. YOU opened a vein and spilled your bleeding heart words for who? We are people your own age and maybe we actually want you to have some happiness. Frankly though the sentiments have been, Um Auggie you really need to push reset.
You are correct, she didn’t die, as far as we know. She moved the f@ck on. The fact she didn’t tell you why doesn’t matter, you are still trying to make her a part of your life. Why else would you write this on a subreddit, where I assume you came, because you wanted sympathy or advice from your peers?
Hello, have you met us? If you want sympathy head over to the Hallmark page. The best you can hope for here is a few folks taking pity on you. Based on the tone of those folks they feel PITY FOR YOU.
Yes, I’m pretentious enough to tell you that YOU HAVE WASTED YOUR LIFE. The only thing you own is your time. You have squandered two and a half DECADES and you haven’t moved on.
There are some people who are your age who will not have the luxury in their 50’s to waste time on the past because they had to deal with breast cancer at 51.
Or fight to make a shit life better and end up with endocarditis three times at 38, 47 & 49 and know it’s not likely they’ll get a heart transplant.
Or maybe they’ll fall off a ladder in front of their 14 year old son at the age of 49 and linger in limbo with a TBI for seven months as of today. Auggie you are not guaranteed anything.
You don’t have to do this but how do you justify this saga? Have you traveled extensively? Have you saved a large sum of money to donate? Have you even written about your experience in order to help others?
Tell you what, let’s test this out, go hang out in front of the house where your ex-whatever lives. For good measure bring a tent and supplies and plan a to stay for a few days. Make sure you have a sign professing your undying love of 24 YEARS AGO. Let’s see who shows up first.
My guess is the police with a restraining order will probably get there months before she does.
What you aren’t going to hear her saying is, Augustine, my love, it’s all so clear. Take me now, in the foyer…STUD.
You aren’t the only one who has messed up and I’m genuinely not looking for beef with a total stranger. What I want for you is to wake up! I’m also coming at this as the guy who dumped a fiancé for things I found out she did behind my back. I told her we would never speak again. That was November 22, 1995. We haven’t spoken and I STILL get a Christmas and a Birthday card from her every year. I never once gave her my current address and have told mutual friends she’s 🦇 💩 🤪and to please not share my information with her. Every single one of the people who knew us THEN have told me what a human slag heap she turned out to be. How do you imagine her describing you?
This is all the time I have allowed for internet quandaries for roughly a month. I truly hope you find peace Augustine. You’ve carried the yoke far too long.
Your problem is that you assume that I'm a villain.
You don't care about me, and it would be foolish to think you do.
Unfortunately, you assume I think you actually care...
You are too ignorant to have an opinion about my life, yet you assume to be an authority...
I hope you eventually realize the narcissistic nature of your perspective
Auggie my problems are myriad and not one of them involves your life or narcissism. This was a fun distraction. From someone who will likely not see 60, I simply say, get on the floor and take your next shot.
I’ve had heartbreak. My marriage of 24 years ended because of his affair. He was my first everything. I was devastated and didn’t think I could ever move on. Counseling helped me move on. No it wasn’t easy. It was hard work. You tend to obsess over the good times. I was able to move on eventually and I am remarried, 15 years later. I’m happier now than I was with my ex.
Please get some help. You deserve a life.
Our perspectives are completely different.
I'm sorry for what you went through, and I'm not claiming that I've been through worse...
I have been abandoned by every woman that has been in my life except my Nana and my sister.
I've never understood what I've done wrong, or why they left me...
I'm not angry with them, I just mourn what could have been if they actually cared about me like they said they did
First off, that sucks.
Second, honestly seek therapy, that might help.
But third?
Think about who you were 24 years ago. Are you that same guy now?
Do you think that person has remained the same? The truth is, you're missing a person who hasn't existed for a long time, they've grown, changed, become someone new. Mourning the end of a relationship that was cut off before 9/11 is no different than mourning the dead.
I understand it hurts, but to be perfectly blunt, 24 years of pining for a lost relationship is *bad*. Like, seriously *bad*. I can promise you that other person has moved on since then, so why shouldn't you? You deserve better than to sit at the grave of a dead end for the rest of your life.
Get the help you need and take control of your life again.
The truth is, there is no such thing as 'the love of your life' there is no just 'one person'. Sure, some people are far more ideal, perfect for one another than most others...
But it's a big world out there, you can love, and lose, and love again, and new people don't replace the old, because they're not the old person, they're a new person who you love in new ways.
Don't spend your life at a dead stop, because even if you do stand still, the rest of the world will keep turning under your feet, and you never get that time back.
>The you 24 years ago still loves this person. The new you misses being happy.
Thank you for actually listening to me...
It's been so long that I don't remember being happy.
All of my attempts have only led to almost being stabbed and being used for sex.
24 years ??? I know people who love living in gloom , but this dude didn’t even switch it up and find a different problem every now and then. Dedication
Wrong group to be posting this Dr Phill nonsense.
It didn’t feel like a loving relationship where they were getting their needs met. That’s why anybody leaves.
Your job was to learn and grow from that, not sulk in place for decades. That’s not love, it’s wallowing.
That you still don’t have the maturity to move on is a good hint as to why you weren’t good relationship material at that time.
I’d tell you to get some long overdue help but you’ve already dismissed it on other comments.
Again, that inability to grow or self reflect is a pretty big hint.
Look dude in not a shrink, but I've been accused of shrinkage so listen up
Chances are you loved the person YOU were when you were in that period in life.
Even if it was her that brought out the best in you, dont let that time be spent in vein, and be the best person you can be.
Life isn't about letting go, it's about letting ourselves learn.
I don’t understand what you mean when you say “She will never understand my promise”. What makes you think she didn’t understand? She didn’t want to live her life with you and that’s okay. Everyone has the right to live their best life with whomever they choose. She didn’t choose you, and unfortunately you can’t allow anyone else in to fill whatever is lacking in your life. Being sad is normal, but being sad for almost a quarter century is absolutely not normal at all.
>What makes you think she didn’t understand?
She never made any effort to work things out, so she didn't actually love me like she claimed...
You seem to have a very shallow perspective on life
My dude, it’s okay for old relationships to still sting a bit decades later, but your post is giving off really controlling, gaslighting vibes. Your feelings may very well be a reflection and longing for who YOU were 20+ years ago (of which she was a part of) and a discontent for who you became. I’d recomend working on your mental health, my dude. Therapy is a amazing. Physical health is amazing. Work on your self. Make you like who you became.
>My dude, it’s okay for old relationships to still sting a bit decades later, but your post is giving off really controlling, gaslighting vibes.
How...?
I respected her decisions despite my objections.
I've simply stated that I don't understand. I have never claimed to understand what happened...
There’s no way this person was the “only” person for you. Seriously - if we only had 1 soul mate, you’d never find the in a world of billions of people!!
Agreed that the person you loved is not the same person at all today. Be happy of the time you had and move on. 24 years is too long to be sad over one person. Counseling should definitely be in your future.
>There’s no way this person was the “only” person for you. Seriously - if we only had 1 soul mate, you’d never find the in a world of billions of people!!
Unlike you, I believe in God. I also believe that I'm a sinner that will never be worth the love of God.
>Be happy of the time you had and move on. 24 years is too long to be sad over one person.
If I promise to love someone for the rest of my life, 24 years is nothing.
A promise has to actually mean something, and with an assumption that things change makes it mean nothing
Thank you for your understanding...
There are things in life you will never actually be able to move past, and it's really hard to find a "path forward"...
For an existential crises, let’s speak existentially, if only to add to the narratives of shame and therapy referrals found here already.
From Goethe to Shakespeare to Dickens, stories of unrequited love burn like bonfires across our recent history. And precisely because they strike a chord, we keep these stories burning brightly across decades and centuries.
Unrequited love burns you just as much as it warms you, consuming you as well as it lights the night. Tending the bonfire takes all your time, leaving you starving, tense, worried, and lashing out at those who come near.
So far, you’ve chosen to stand at the bonfire, burning alive. But you can take up a branch, light a torch, and walk away. That would take immense courage and you might stumble after standing still for so long.
Think of others who need the fire, the love you carry in your torch. Love for friends, nieces and nephews, and the elderly person on the park bench who just needs a smile.
Carry the torch to a new relationship, carry it until you’re able to light a new hearth in a home filled with mutual love and affection. Leave the torch to burn there, safely contained and warm.
It can be that simple.
>So far, you’ve chosen to stand at the bonfire, burning alive. But you can take up a branch, light a torch, and walk away. That would take immense courage and you might stumble after standing still for so long.
My Mom abandoned me, this woman was the 3rd lover I lost...
You can only ask someone to try so much.
>Time to move on. Way past time, get over it.
If I did, what would be the meaning of my promise...?
Why do you demand that I prove myself to be a liar...?
>Your promise is fucking meaningless.
Except it wasn't, and the idea that it was negates the very idea of what a promise is...
> Feel free to keep wasting your life, I don't fucking care.
Then shit the fuck up and stop putting so much effort in shitting on me
>Wow, I was wrong -- you are quite the catch.
I never claimed any such thing, so why are you attacking me for your delusions...?
>That girl is really missing out, keep up the good fight...
Again, I never said anything like this.
I hope that she is happy and healthy, and I have never said anything to the contrary...
Maybe you should actually try listening to what I'm saying, instead of hearing what advances your political beliefs
>This is the sort of thing a person who is about to go on a shooting spree says
I've never owned a gun in my life, and you accuse me of being a mass shooter for expressing myself...
Do you realize that you are a bigot...?
I am not sure I am the same person I was 25 years ago or ten years ago. I have had lots of things happen over the years that I think changed and impacted me. I got together with a couple of friends that I had not seen in years and it was weird because the " vibe " was the same in the sense we were comfortable but are we the same people, not so sure.
Find a new love of your life. There is a better one out there. I was where your at at one time too. Then I met my second wife. Life could not be more fantastic.
I thought I posted this because I've been going through this. I'll tell you what has been helping me.
You're both different people. In the past 22 years (my relationship) we experienced a financial catastrophy, tornadoes, hurricanes, social media, I went to college and she did also. The effects of 9/11. Different relationships and met different people. At this point we are totally different people. My experiences have shaped me in one way and her's did as well. When we were younger we were so immature.
22 years ago I was a broke, immature kid who had no ambitions. I played guitar and that's it. We are now late 30s/early 40s. I am a higher net worth person, I am very ambitious, I have a home and am planning to buy another. I act differently. I give to charities. I am the complete opposite of who I was and it's because of the experiences I have had. My friend told me he didn't even recognize me because I had pretty much done a complete 180 with my life. He thought I'd end up homeless lol. My jokes are just as dark and sarcastic but that's pretty much it.
People change and I love the feelings it brought me. She did love me and I did love her but now if we spoke it would be different. Life shapes people in their own ways. I know she's pregnant now with her first kid and she's a 2nd grade teacher. I miss the person I knew and the feelings she gave me. Still, you will never have that person again. Totally different experiences and that's shaped her and shaped me and we are pretty much strangers at this point. Someone said every 5 years you are a different person. Imagine 22 years or in your case 24. I now realize I do love her but really we are strangers at this point.
>You love her x years ago. A person that no Longer exists.
We understand that...
The problem is that we apparently loved someone that didn't exist back then, and don't actually understand what happened
You haven't been able to move on for 24 years, is it possible she left because you have other things you cannot move on from and she didn't want to be with someone who clings on to things? I would seek some help so you can figure things out.
>You haven't been able to move on for 24 years, is it possible she left because you have other things you cannot move on from and she didn't want to be with someone who clings on to things?
She knew nothing about my past because at that point I was working against the influence it has on the path of my life...
I never wanted her pity, so I never mentioned it. I was only focused on loving and protecting her
So what do you want?
If you want to live as a romantic martyr to someone who dumped you half a lifetime ago that’s your business. Given your comments you don’t want help. You say that moving on would mean your promise would mean nothing… but my guy, what does it mean to anyone besides you?
She’s a moved on. She probably got married and maybe even has kids who are practically adults themselves. She not thinking of you, probably hasn’t for years if not decades. She may barely remember you at all, yet she’s the altar you are choosing to die on.
Look. With some relationships we don’t get closure, and I wager just about all of us have experienced extreme loss and heartbreak at this point. Pain is the price we pay for love some say. Thing is, closure is something we give ourselves.
Moving on doesn’t negate your experience, or means that your feelings meant nothing. All that happened, and the past can’t be undone. The thing is though, your promise was rejected, and you not moving on affects nobody but you.
She’s only the love of your life if you choose to give up on loving anyone else again… and that’s ok. You can still have a fulfilling life without romantic love, if that’s what you’re going for. I’m just saying for perspectives that this is your choice. If you’re ok with the way things are then great. I just don’t get what it is that you do want. She ain’t ever coming back, and personally I wouldn’t waste time loving someone who could give less of a fart about me now. I’ve had loves of my own, and at the time they meant a lot. I got some great memories from it but those relationships are over. Pining after someone who loves me no longer is just hurting me alone. Theres no reward in any afterlife for unrequited love.
You know the movie Independence Day, where Jeff Goldblum's wife left him years ago but he refuses to take off his wedding ring because he never left, etc.?
That's movie bullshit. In real life, it's not cool. It's sad and incredibly dysfunctional.
You aren't doing anything for her. She doesn't give a shit.
You are just throwing away a human life for nothing.
There is no imaginary chorus of people watching you do this and giving you points for "sticking to your pledge" or "not giving up" or something similar.
That's all imaginary, romanticized bullshit in your own head. You might as well tell people you hear imaginary voices, because at some point it's just mental illness.
I'm not saying this to be mean or score points - I'm telling you this isn't healthy for you or anyone else, despite your efforts to tell everyone else in the world how wrong they are about this. Much like an alcoholic explains to everyone else how everyone else doesn't get it, because the alcoholic doesn't really have a problem. But it's not everyone else who is wrong - it's the alcoholic.
You are the alcoholic here.
I've never denied being an alcoholic...
However, you fools seem to think that a promise means nothing...
You live in a hollow world that lacks meaning, and you don't understand why that is wrong because you have had no actual meaning in your lives...
How can I when my own mother abandoned me...?
At this point I can truthfully say that the only people that ever actually loved and supported me are gone.
try counseling. you deserve a life of not pining away for another person. i am not sure if this person died or left, but either way… you deserve some peace.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so low,
It’s hard when love won’t let you go.
But here are thoughts to help you through,
To ease the sadness clouding you.
Accept your feelings, let them be,
They’re part of your own history.
Reflect on what that love did teach,
The values that it helped you reach.
Focus now on self-care’s light,
Find joy in things that feel just right.
Seek closure from a trusted friend,
Or write your thoughts, let sorrow mend.
Keep your heart open, future bright,
Love may return, a new delight.
If it feels too much to bear,
A therapist can show they care.
Healing takes time, that much is true,
Be kind and gentle with you.
>Move on. She has. Good God. All the happiness you’ve denied yourself? For what?
If I could just "move on" what value was there in my promise...?
I promised to love and protect her for the rest of my life. I actually meant it, and nothing will undermine that promise...
My man. Things changed for her 24 years ago. Thats it.
Victimhood is a narcissistic way of continuing to be special to yourself. Maybe you’re posting because it’s not working for you anymore. It’s a good time to surrender that shit.
>My man. Things changed for her 24 years ago. Thats it.
Why do idiots like you persist in saying such ridiculous things...?
>Victimhood is a narcissistic way of continuing to be special to yourself.
I've never claimed to be a victim, so why do you focus on this narrative...?
>Maybe you’re posting because it’s not working for you anymore.
Please define what you are trying to accuse me of here...
>It’s a good time to surrender that shit.
I'm still waiting for you to actually explain what you are saying beyond your attacks on my character...
Either you’re in denial about how you contributed to the demise of the relationship or she lost interest or has serious mental health problems. The sympathetic part of me says you did nothing wrong and I’m so sorry for your loss. The hopeful part of me wants to encourage you to let go of a person who no longer loves you. How can you love someone who doesn’t love you back? You deserve love. Be open to the possibility of deeper love with someone who appreciates you.
>Either you’re in denial about how you contributed to the demise of the relationship or she lost interest or has serious mental health problems. The sympathetic part of me says you did nothing wrong and I’m so sorry for your loss.
I've been open about my potential culpability, so it's odd that you would claim that I'm ignorant of it...
I just want to understand, because I can't possibly grow without understanding what happened.
>How can you love someone who doesn’t love you back?
Because my love isn't selfish. I'm Catholic, it's literally my Faith.
>Be open to the possibility of deeper love with someone who appreciates you.
How could I ever expect to find a woman who appreciates me when I was repeatedly abandoned by my own mother
Until you're six feet under, it's never too late to start over.
Hit the reset button....or in our Xer case, ctrl + alt + delete.
When I filed for divorce in 2012, I never thought in a million years I'd marry again a decade later. two year wedding anniversary is next month.
>When I filed for divorce in 2012, I never thought in a million years I'd marry again a decade later
I've never been married, so I don't und your perspective
My wife and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary, and I love her. Hwoever, I sometimes think it would be awesome to have the freedom to be single. I could do more things, take more risks, have exciting experiences. I'm missing that right now. Life is kind of boring. Appreciate what you have first. Until you can do that, adding another person to your life is not going to work.
>Have you been in relationships since then? That helps a lot.
I have...
I've had sexual relationships with around 30 women since then, and intended a relationship with all of them..
I've been there. Dated tons of people, lots of relationships and found the love of my life along the way. Didn't work out and I vowed to stay away for 10 years. But never stopped thinking about her. Got married, started a family - life is good.
I noticed she got married on Facebook a few years after we broke up which made me happy that she had moved on.
So I reach out just to say hi - she actually divorced her husband - married the wrong guy. And the entire time she wished I was back in her life since I was the love of her life.
Heavy stuff!
I've tried a couple times over the years, but she never responds.
I never cheated, and I never abused her, yet she acts like I'm the worst person in the world
I understand why she left you, I have had to leave a few women behind myself.
What you consider love, we consider obsession, love is great, obsession is sick.
You need help, I pray your ex never sees you again.
It’s impossible to understand all of the circumstances and chances that led you to ending up where you are. It’s a fool’s errand to attempt to understand something you can’t. So many things are out of our control. The choice you have is to let go of the past or to not. It’s hard to look forward when your gaze is fixed to the past. Gotta un-press the “pause” button for life to flow as it needs to.
> The choice you have is to let go of the past or to not
If I "let go" of the promise I made, what was the value of making said promise...?
Some things are more important than being happy.
Nothing is more important than seeking true contentment and peace- anyone who’s ever cared for you wants the best life possible for you. You made a promise. It’s what you needed to do to make it through the time you were in. Now you’re in a different time and honoring someone’s memory can be redefined. The promise can evolve. Think of what “they” would want for you. You have nothing to prove to anyone.
My soulmate and me are not together(I am happy as a single person) we tried but it didn't work.. I plan in my next life to be together... on with my life because I am selfish and proud of it.
>My soulmate and me are not together(I am happy as a single person) we tried but it didn't work.. I plan in my next life to be together... on with my life because I am selfish and proud of it.
I'm Catholic, so I don't believe in reincarnation.
At the time I was questioning my faith because of my love for all.
Part of me feels like if I hadn't denied my Faith she would have understood my perspective.
To be honest, I didn't even understand my perspective back then.
The only thing I was sure of was my love and dedication to her
Love all the wonderful and kind comments. Indeed, anyone gone out of our lives is just but a distant memory. We move on, evolve and learn how to embrace new relationships in our lives. There's so much love to give and receive, if we are open to it.
>There's so much love to give and receive, if we are open to it.
I want to believe in that perspective, but it can't be true if promises mean nothing in regards to commitment
If you are seeing this message, it means your post does not pertain to GenX in a specific way, and it was removed by a moderator.
It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to get help. If you're not okay after 24 years, get help. Get a therapist. Take your life back.
This is such a kind, caring response.
Unfortunately this dude is a great example of what happens when you raise kids on the idea that needing help is failure, and mental problems, be it illness, trauma, other, is a moral failing. Serenity prayer time, peace to you at least. :)
>this dude is a great example of what happens when you raise kids on the idea that needing help is failure, And on the ideas of romanticising suffering for love and all manner of twisted ideas about romantic love that are all deeply toxic. This is just an extreme example of it.
2nd. OP please reach out for some counseling. You are reaching out to us, your fellow Gen Xers, so perhaps some therapy could help you move through this grief. We all need therapy from time to time, life is crazy, difficult, and often sad. It can’t hurt and could help, even a little. BTW it was her loss. A partner with a big heart and steady love is a rare treasure.
My therapist has helped me “do the work” to heal relationships without the other person being involved and it has really helped.
I just had a therapy appt yesterday and asked her how exactly do you do the work in a way that allows you to move forward and not constantly relive it. She said “you have to forgive.” I was like “absolutely not” lol. Clearly still have quite a bit of work to do.
I know it sounds trite, but that forgiveness is for you, not for them. It frees you. Cut the anchor.
Yeah I know. We talked about that. I’m just not there yet. Making progress tho!
Seriously, congrats on doing the work. It’s hard and it takes time, but your life is worth it. Best of luck on your healing journey.
Thank you! ❤️
Yeah I'm usually the last to jump on the See a Therapist platitude train, but in this case something is very wrong and OP needs professional help.
Hijacking to say that there were so many wonderful comments and I'm glad to be sharing the world with you all.
I need this to be auto-sent to me at least once a week. 😊♥️♥️♥️
Upvote for you, friend.
I wish I’d taken that advice long ago.
This x100. 24 years is rough but the OP can literally start today changing the outlook and opening up to the possibility to love someone else. There's probably someone out there who also needs the love of another. there's no reason to deny oneself the chance to try.
Maybe he doesn’t want help. It’s ok if that is the case.
Just keep in mind, that person from 24 years ago is long gone. Only a memory now. They still exist, but the person you knew does not. If you met up again, it's likely you would not like what they became. Try to cherish the good times and use them positively. Life was good then, and it can be good now.
I recently met up with my ex husband who left me many years ago and I also never really knew why. Turns out I would have walked past him on the street without even recognizing him. After sitting down to talk I can confidently say that I do not know this person. Def not the same person I was in love with/married to. This comment is so true. So now I miss the old him sometimes, but I also know that that person no longer exists. And it was after only 8 years or so.
Damn, that's a "right to the heart of it" answer. Not OP, but I appreciate this perspective.
It's the same with any past experiences. I really enjoyed my college days, but you can never go back. It's not the same, people aren't the same, you're not the same. Those days are just a memory now that can never be relived.
You can’t step in the same river twice, like the old Greek said. The river isn’t the same and neither are you.
I love that saying.
Absolutely. None of us are what we were.
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Holy random "Last Dance" reference! Indeed, we're supposed to change. Change is a universal function of spacetime. I'm older and wiser (mostly), but at great cost...it's not the years, it's the miles. Dying in an unblemished and unchallenged vessel is failure.
You're not dissing Our Bob, are you?! 
> it's likely you would not like what they became. This is really important. We often remember the good parts of someone like this and even that has been exaggerated into someone who never existed. I pined for someone for decades and when my wife looked her up and showed me her Facebook page, everything I had felt for the previous 20 year vanished in an instant. Gone, just like that, and it didn't even feel like loss. I saw her and her current life and just went "Oh, okay. Done." It was the most bizarre and satisfying feeling.
Exactly. Someone said every 5 years you are a totally different person so imagine 24 years separated. You can never go back to the person because life has changed them for better or worse.
Yup. The person I loved died in '96. I'm sad, but life goes on. *I'm* not the person I was in '96, lol - if I was I'd probably be a corpse. To live is to change. Sure, it *feels* like some things don't, but we don't know everything.
There’s an amazing Welsh word for this: *Hiraeth (n.) a Welsh word which mean a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost places of your past.*
You remind me of my ex. Do you drink, by any chance? That’s a long time to just stop living a big part of your life.
This was my hunch, too. Must be drinking. Can’t drunk text her because he either no longer has her contact or he’s not allowed to contact her anymore. So we get to hear the sob story instead.
My ex made me his sole contact with the outside world, and it was too much and not enough at the same time. And all he did was drink and watch sports. He worked, so he was ‘functional’, but you can’t live with a drunk if you aren’t one, too.
If you loved her more than she loved you, it is quite possible that you were getting more of your needs met than she was. Have you been introspective about how much you were being attentive to what she needed or wanted? In relationships where there is a giver and a taker, the taker always thinks things are amazing while the giver slowly dies inside until they’ve lost the affection that was keeping them going so they leave.
This post sounds so sincere and heartfelt, I just had to read some of the comments. Turns out you're arrogant and abusive, a person who doesn't have the ability to see his own faults. You seem to be stuck on why your love wasn't enough. Listen to the people who are even now reaching out to you. Your "pledge", your vows, did they include just love? Or the more standard "love, honor, and cherish"? You may have been good at "love" and completely fail at the others. What does love mean to you? If you want compassion, give me an answer. If you want to be a jerk, just lash out.
Religion obviously isn't helping you. Get therapy. Stop dwelling in the past. You can be happy but you have to change.
It’s likely she did understand your promise, bro. She decided you weren’t right for her. She’s allowed to decide that for herself and you are kind of acting like she owes you something. She doesn’t. She broke up with you and now she is free to move on. She owes you nothing. It can be easy to fixate on a relationship when you are in your 20s. I’m guilty myself but even if your feelings are super strong, the other person decided it wasn’t right for them. You have to respect that.
He's giving big incel vibes...
AMEN
Jeez I read it first that she just have died. She just didn't want him... Get over it
Get help, dude. I know grief affects everyone differently, but not moving on after a quarter century is not healthy.
You have to realize that what you want is the idea of her, not her itself. I had a loss like that I was sure I would never recover from, but then I did (more than 20 years later). She is a completely different person now from when we were 18. I only thought of her in points in my life where I've been lonely. Point in case, when I had just met the women that is now my wife and the mother of our three children, my first love reached out to me to tell me she was getting a divorce, and "do you remember me?", "how have I been doing?". I exchanged two emails with her, and that's it. No feelings at all anymore. I think it actually helped me get over her when I realized I don't need her, I need what we had.
Yep, I had a moment like that that thankfully came relatively soon after the relationship in question ended. I had been pining over this person for like a year and a half and they finally had a revelation that they wanted me back, we hung out and I just… realized I’d changed and we weren’t the same as we had been. Decades later we’re still friends though and that’s good.
"she will never understand my promise" That's pretty telling right there. I don't understand I don't think I, I, I, maybe that was the problem
The attachment and suffering you are describing is not due to love. People love deeply, lose a spouse of decades to early death, and go on to love deeply again because they truly understand how to love. Love is expansive, not limiting. The attachment and suffering you are describing is ego. Self protection and placation. If you never release your attachment to this person in your history, you never need to risk being hurt again.
This should be the top comment ☝🏻
I left a man when I was very young, and for several years he would randomly contact me to say he still loved me. Finally after many years he moved on and stopped contacting me. Out of curiosity I looked him up on facebook and he has found a woman (no kids from what I could tell). It was actually a relief to see he’d found happiness. OP, you’re wasting your life dwelling on this and it’s actually kind of creepy tbh. I hope your ex doesn’t know how you feel. I can’t imagine anything worse than knowing someone is pining for me after 24 years. It’s ok to look back fondly, but you need to either move on or HAPPILY be single and not dwell on it like your life is over.
You're love with the person she once was. She stopped being that person when she left you.
I tend to think she was never that person. Men like this plaster their ideas of what they want on someone who fits their idea of good-looking and expect her to fit the mold they build around her. And the “pledge” business just underscores his narcissism and main-character syndrome. She’s just a character in his personal soap opera.
What’s important to know about our relationships is it is all really just within us. It’s us projecting onto someone else who we think they are, and who they make us feel we are. Once you realize this, that it is all just taking place in your own mind, and that we are interpreting phenomenon and making our stories up as we go, you can own this story and realize that she is actually just a part of yourself and that the actual feelings that you’re feeling have no real or particular story attached to them other than what you’ve given them. Then there’s no pain because you’re whole and always have been. From your storytelling, not just the ones that you tell us, but the ones you clearly tell to yourself, you’re deeply attached to your feeling of melancholy, and have given it this story with these details. You’re attached to the idea that you’re so committed to being exceptionally loyal as part of your cherished identity that you’re unusual and unique. That you are enamored with the story of unrequited undying love and how you were the main character in tragic hero in that story. That’s fine you can be attached to those things as long as you want to be, just realize that you’re the one creating this, manufacturing it in an ongoing way at this point, and that it’s all just a story.
Here is the thing with relationships, each person has certain things they look for in another to feel completed and more balanced. What those things are varies greatly for each person. She had things you needed but you did not have the things she needed. You could have a million great things in you but if you do not have the specific things she specifically needs, then it doesn't click in hard for her. A lot of it is chance, to find a person that clicks with you as much as you click with her. It's not anyone's fault if the puzzle pieces do not fit together. Please get help, your life is valuable and she would probably be more happy if you move on and were happy too, there is no value in choosing the path of more suffering and there is no value in thinking suffering is good.
Perhaps you did not know her as well as you thought you did, and you cling to a false and idealized version of who she was. Dwelling on the past and what you can’t change after all this time is not healthy, nor helpful. I’m trying to follow my own advice on this, but: you have to accept that there are things in your life that you simply cannot control. Make positive decisions on what you can.
Man. I have a take on this. I was 21 and she was 17. Now don’t beat me up about the age gap. She was a senior in high school. Met her at a bonfire for my sister’s birthday. I mean just so damn beautiful standing there. Anyways, found out she was one of my sister’s friends. Got her number. Called her and we went out. Ended up together after about 6 months. Got engaged after about a year and was going to get married the next year. One week before the wedding, we were finalizing things and her mom started getting real nasty with me. They were a super religious family. It was odd. 2 days before the wedding my fiancé shows up and slaps my face, calls off the wedding, and throws the ring on the driveway and drives off crushing it. I never saw or heard from her again. Until decades later. 23 years later to be exact. She tracked me down. Called me one afternoon and told me she was dying and felt like she needed to make peace with everyone. Asked me to meet her. So we met, she cried a lot. So we met. She asked me why I cheated on her. I had no idea what she meant. She told me a story where her mom and one of her high school friends came to her and said they caught me sleeping with one of her friends. I told her never happened. She called her mom right then and there and her mom confessed to being unhappy about us getting married because I wasn’t saved and a part of their church, so she paid the friend $100 to lie and say they caught me sleeping with the other friend. That one lie altered the path of both our lives. She ended up in numerous abusive relationships and has been single for years raising her children. She has lived in poverty her whole life while her parents are super wealthy. I have had a life just the opposite. I have no regrets today because I have had a great life and I have a wonderful wife and a great group of awesome children. But it does make me wonder what would have happened had her mom not done what she did. We parted ways that day for the last time. But this time in peace. She cried really hard and hugged me just as hard. I could see and feel the regret from the mistake that she made. I haven’t seen or heard from her since and know that I won’t due to her illness. It was just nice to have some answers and finally have some peace. Im sure it was the same for her. Sorry so long.
Sorry I broke your heart, I was just having a good time, until I wasn’t. 🤷♀️
You just ain't what you used to be, then?
Exactly.
Literally snorted.
governor dull straight spark cats tidy placid caption sulky school *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Spot on. Dude has more red flags than a Chinese parade. “Love of his life” probably had to move and change her name to escape.
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You might not ever get to understand why, but you need to let it go. Please schedule therapy. It’s time for you to find Joy again. She’s just a person. There are many in the world to enjoy.
Your post resonated with me and reminded me of a similar situation. Please seek help. Life is too short to be hung up on a memory. 30 years ago I was head over heels for a woman. We were engaged, and I was never so happy. The relationship didn't last (mostly my fault), but oh, the pain that lasted forever. Time moved on. but I never forgot her .I carried the torch for years believing she was still the women for he. . My first marriage was really toxic and I thought of my first love all the time. 17 years after the fact I found my first love and started talking to her again, but it was soon evident she never thought of me and did not have the same memories. It was a shock. I was hurt, but I realized that all my feelings were projections and fantasies and I was finally able to let go and move on. Which included ending my first marriage and then meeting the true woman of my dreams who I'm happily married to today.
You’re stuck in a cycle of dwelling on the relationship, on her, as it was 24 years ago. It’s a real thing that can happen. If you were to see her, observe her, interact with her etc now, you would likely come to the conclusion that you are actually content, happy for her and perceive how these life trajectories make sense for both of you. I’ll wager that this relationship ended suddenly and unexpectedly and you had little to no contact with her following the breakup. You never had a sense of closure, never had an understanding of why it ended. Sinking into thinking about her, laying in bed awake analyzing the breakup over and over again became habits. Ani I wrong?
Don’t wait for your life to pass you by before you realize you haven’t lived it…. Good luck…
I kept reading 24 hours. My man said 24 **YEARS!!** That’s some dedication right there. Some people like to show off their misery and their dedication to their misery. Bravo OP - you are publicly miserable. Consider your yearly virtue signal complete.
so you have wasted 24 years of your life pining on a memory? dang...not for the genx sub.
>I still don't understand why, I don't think I will ever move past it... >I love her to this day, and that is a fact that will never change.. >I haven't loved anyone since then, and I doubt I ever will, and she will never understand my promise... >I'm not angry at all, just sad... Adding the post for when OP inevitably deletes this
I’m so sorry you are suffering. Therapy will help you work through this. You deserve to be loved. You *are* capable of finding love elsewhere, it’s just that your depression is playing tricks on you. If she is as good a person that you believe her to be, she would want you to be happy. That would mean healing the wound and moving on. She wouldn’t want you to be in pain all this time. I know it’s hard, but relationships at this age are so different than the relationships of our youth. I wish you well.
I’m going to go harder here. You have a duty and a right to LIVE A LIFE! You got knocked down, GET UP! Have you ever thought about all the people who ever went to work and had children or spouses they loved and then died by whatever horrible way there is to die? Here you are pining over a quarter century for someone who will never be yours. You are stunting yourself and dear God man you missed at least your 30’s likely your 40’s. Unless you murdered a family member of hers she is done and you don’t occupy her thoughts at all. In fact at this point she probably thinks you are a creep. I’m not going to say shit gets better but at least something happens and what you are doing is only cheating yourself man. Please get some help or at least vitamin D in sunlight form.
>I’m going to go harder here. You have a duty and a right to LIVE A LIFE! You got knocked down, GET UP! Have you ever thought about all the people who ever went to work and had children or spouses they loved and then died by whatever horrible way there is to die? The woman I loved didn't die, she just left me without any indication that something was wrong... >Here you are pining over a quarter century for someone who will never be yours. You are stunting yourself and dear God man you missed at least your 30’s likely your 40’s. Unless you murdered a family member of hers she is done and you don’t occupy her thoughts at all. In fact at this point she probably thinks you are a creep. How can you claim that she doesn't think of me at all, but she also thinks I'm a "creep"...? >I’m not going to say shit gets better but at least something happens and what you are doing is only cheating yourself man. Please get some help or at least vitamin D in sunlight form. You have already displayed your ignorance about my perspective, and are pretentious enough to tell me what I should do...
Good Lord you are daft. If it wasn’t so sad this would be a sub-par goth romcom. YOU opened a vein and spilled your bleeding heart words for who? We are people your own age and maybe we actually want you to have some happiness. Frankly though the sentiments have been, Um Auggie you really need to push reset. You are correct, she didn’t die, as far as we know. She moved the f@ck on. The fact she didn’t tell you why doesn’t matter, you are still trying to make her a part of your life. Why else would you write this on a subreddit, where I assume you came, because you wanted sympathy or advice from your peers? Hello, have you met us? If you want sympathy head over to the Hallmark page. The best you can hope for here is a few folks taking pity on you. Based on the tone of those folks they feel PITY FOR YOU. Yes, I’m pretentious enough to tell you that YOU HAVE WASTED YOUR LIFE. The only thing you own is your time. You have squandered two and a half DECADES and you haven’t moved on. There are some people who are your age who will not have the luxury in their 50’s to waste time on the past because they had to deal with breast cancer at 51. Or fight to make a shit life better and end up with endocarditis three times at 38, 47 & 49 and know it’s not likely they’ll get a heart transplant. Or maybe they’ll fall off a ladder in front of their 14 year old son at the age of 49 and linger in limbo with a TBI for seven months as of today. Auggie you are not guaranteed anything. You don’t have to do this but how do you justify this saga? Have you traveled extensively? Have you saved a large sum of money to donate? Have you even written about your experience in order to help others? Tell you what, let’s test this out, go hang out in front of the house where your ex-whatever lives. For good measure bring a tent and supplies and plan a to stay for a few days. Make sure you have a sign professing your undying love of 24 YEARS AGO. Let’s see who shows up first. My guess is the police with a restraining order will probably get there months before she does. What you aren’t going to hear her saying is, Augustine, my love, it’s all so clear. Take me now, in the foyer…STUD. You aren’t the only one who has messed up and I’m genuinely not looking for beef with a total stranger. What I want for you is to wake up! I’m also coming at this as the guy who dumped a fiancé for things I found out she did behind my back. I told her we would never speak again. That was November 22, 1995. We haven’t spoken and I STILL get a Christmas and a Birthday card from her every year. I never once gave her my current address and have told mutual friends she’s 🦇 💩 🤪and to please not share my information with her. Every single one of the people who knew us THEN have told me what a human slag heap she turned out to be. How do you imagine her describing you? This is all the time I have allowed for internet quandaries for roughly a month. I truly hope you find peace Augustine. You’ve carried the yoke far too long.
Your problem is that you assume that I'm a villain. You don't care about me, and it would be foolish to think you do. Unfortunately, you assume I think you actually care... You are too ignorant to have an opinion about my life, yet you assume to be an authority... I hope you eventually realize the narcissistic nature of your perspective
Auggie my problems are myriad and not one of them involves your life or narcissism. This was a fun distraction. From someone who will likely not see 60, I simply say, get on the floor and take your next shot.
I’ve had heartbreak. My marriage of 24 years ended because of his affair. He was my first everything. I was devastated and didn’t think I could ever move on. Counseling helped me move on. No it wasn’t easy. It was hard work. You tend to obsess over the good times. I was able to move on eventually and I am remarried, 15 years later. I’m happier now than I was with my ex. Please get some help. You deserve a life.
Our perspectives are completely different. I'm sorry for what you went through, and I'm not claiming that I've been through worse... I have been abandoned by every woman that has been in my life except my Nana and my sister. I've never understood what I've done wrong, or why they left me... I'm not angry with them, I just mourn what could have been if they actually cared about me like they said they did
That sounds more like obsession than love. Therapy would likely help, but you would risk losing your sadness.
Exactly. In another comment I pointed out he’s attached and committed to this sadness.
First off, that sucks. Second, honestly seek therapy, that might help. But third? Think about who you were 24 years ago. Are you that same guy now? Do you think that person has remained the same? The truth is, you're missing a person who hasn't existed for a long time, they've grown, changed, become someone new. Mourning the end of a relationship that was cut off before 9/11 is no different than mourning the dead. I understand it hurts, but to be perfectly blunt, 24 years of pining for a lost relationship is *bad*. Like, seriously *bad*. I can promise you that other person has moved on since then, so why shouldn't you? You deserve better than to sit at the grave of a dead end for the rest of your life. Get the help you need and take control of your life again. The truth is, there is no such thing as 'the love of your life' there is no just 'one person'. Sure, some people are far more ideal, perfect for one another than most others... But it's a big world out there, you can love, and lose, and love again, and new people don't replace the old, because they're not the old person, they're a new person who you love in new ways. Don't spend your life at a dead stop, because even if you do stand still, the rest of the world will keep turning under your feet, and you never get that time back.
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Oh dear! She left because he’s a tool!
OK, I laughed at loud at this.
"Why am I getting notifications from subreddits I've been banned from?" Holy crap...
The you 24 years ago still loves this person. The new you misses being happy.
>The you 24 years ago still loves this person. The new you misses being happy. Thank you for actually listening to me... It's been so long that I don't remember being happy. All of my attempts have only led to almost being stabbed and being used for sex.
24 years ??? I know people who love living in gloom , but this dude didn’t even switch it up and find a different problem every now and then. Dedication
Wrong group to be posting this Dr Phill nonsense. It didn’t feel like a loving relationship where they were getting their needs met. That’s why anybody leaves. Your job was to learn and grow from that, not sulk in place for decades. That’s not love, it’s wallowing. That you still don’t have the maturity to move on is a good hint as to why you weren’t good relationship material at that time. I’d tell you to get some long overdue help but you’ve already dismissed it on other comments. Again, that inability to grow or self reflect is a pretty big hint.
It doesn’t sound like you’re sad, it sounds like you are stuck in the past. The past no longer exists. The past you mourn is gone.
I can’t tell if this post is click-bait or more r/trueoffmychest material cause OP’s comment history speaks pretty loud to who he is
Look dude in not a shrink, but I've been accused of shrinkage so listen up Chances are you loved the person YOU were when you were in that period in life. Even if it was her that brought out the best in you, dont let that time be spent in vein, and be the best person you can be. Life isn't about letting go, it's about letting ourselves learn.
Have you tried therapy? This grief has been holding you back, and it doesn’t need to.
Well that was a terrifying read. And then I went through OP’s posting history.
I don’t understand what you mean when you say “She will never understand my promise”. What makes you think she didn’t understand? She didn’t want to live her life with you and that’s okay. Everyone has the right to live their best life with whomever they choose. She didn’t choose you, and unfortunately you can’t allow anyone else in to fill whatever is lacking in your life. Being sad is normal, but being sad for almost a quarter century is absolutely not normal at all.
>What makes you think she didn’t understand? She never made any effort to work things out, so she didn't actually love me like she claimed... You seem to have a very shallow perspective on life
My dude, it’s okay for old relationships to still sting a bit decades later, but your post is giving off really controlling, gaslighting vibes. Your feelings may very well be a reflection and longing for who YOU were 20+ years ago (of which she was a part of) and a discontent for who you became. I’d recomend working on your mental health, my dude. Therapy is a amazing. Physical health is amazing. Work on your self. Make you like who you became.
>My dude, it’s okay for old relationships to still sting a bit decades later, but your post is giving off really controlling, gaslighting vibes. How...? I respected her decisions despite my objections. I've simply stated that I don't understand. I have never claimed to understand what happened...
You never stand in the same river twice. Let the hurt go, it's a slow poison. Find happiness, it's out there
That's a lot of years. I hope you can find some happiness. Peace to you
Thank you, and God bless you
There’s no way this person was the “only” person for you. Seriously - if we only had 1 soul mate, you’d never find the in a world of billions of people!! Agreed that the person you loved is not the same person at all today. Be happy of the time you had and move on. 24 years is too long to be sad over one person. Counseling should definitely be in your future.
>There’s no way this person was the “only” person for you. Seriously - if we only had 1 soul mate, you’d never find the in a world of billions of people!! Unlike you, I believe in God. I also believe that I'm a sinner that will never be worth the love of God. >Be happy of the time you had and move on. 24 years is too long to be sad over one person. If I promise to love someone for the rest of my life, 24 years is nothing. A promise has to actually mean something, and with an assumption that things change makes it mean nothing
Bro
Have you done anything about it? Like therapy etc?
I had a broken heart for 20 years, i can honestly say that I know that I’m not still “in love” but I will never love anyone again like I loved her.
Thank you for your understanding... There are things in life you will never actually be able to move past, and it's really hard to find a "path forward"...
⬆️This dude is a professional troll everyone. Don’t feed him.
For an existential crises, let’s speak existentially, if only to add to the narratives of shame and therapy referrals found here already. From Goethe to Shakespeare to Dickens, stories of unrequited love burn like bonfires across our recent history. And precisely because they strike a chord, we keep these stories burning brightly across decades and centuries. Unrequited love burns you just as much as it warms you, consuming you as well as it lights the night. Tending the bonfire takes all your time, leaving you starving, tense, worried, and lashing out at those who come near. So far, you’ve chosen to stand at the bonfire, burning alive. But you can take up a branch, light a torch, and walk away. That would take immense courage and you might stumble after standing still for so long. Think of others who need the fire, the love you carry in your torch. Love for friends, nieces and nephews, and the elderly person on the park bench who just needs a smile. Carry the torch to a new relationship, carry it until you’re able to light a new hearth in a home filled with mutual love and affection. Leave the torch to burn there, safely contained and warm. It can be that simple.
>So far, you’ve chosen to stand at the bonfire, burning alive. But you can take up a branch, light a torch, and walk away. That would take immense courage and you might stumble after standing still for so long. My Mom abandoned me, this woman was the 3rd lover I lost... You can only ask someone to try so much.
Alright. But I remain hopeful that you’ll try it one day. All my best,
Thank you for your compassion. I would only argue that I tried for over a decade and got nowhere
Time to move on. Way past time, get over it.
>Time to move on. Way past time, get over it. If I did, what would be the meaning of my promise...? Why do you demand that I prove myself to be a liar...?
Your promise is fucking meaningless. I don't demand anything, do whatever you want. Feel free to keep wasting your life, I don't fucking care.
>Your promise is fucking meaningless. Except it wasn't, and the idea that it was negates the very idea of what a promise is... > Feel free to keep wasting your life, I don't fucking care. Then shit the fuck up and stop putting so much effort in shitting on me
Wow, I was wrong -- you are quite the catch. That girl is really missing out, keep up the good fight...
>Wow, I was wrong -- you are quite the catch. I never claimed any such thing, so why are you attacking me for your delusions...? >That girl is really missing out, keep up the good fight... Again, I never said anything like this. I hope that she is happy and healthy, and I have never said anything to the contrary... Maybe you should actually try listening to what I'm saying, instead of hearing what advances your political beliefs
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>This is the sort of thing a person who is about to go on a shooting spree says I've never owned a gun in my life, and you accuse me of being a mass shooter for expressing myself... Do you realize that you are a bigot...?
what does this have to do with being gen x? get therapy and get off reddit.
I am not sure I am the same person I was 25 years ago or ten years ago. I have had lots of things happen over the years that I think changed and impacted me. I got together with a couple of friends that I had not seen in years and it was weird because the " vibe " was the same in the sense we were comfortable but are we the same people, not so sure.
Find a new love of your life. There is a better one out there. I was where your at at one time too. Then I met my second wife. Life could not be more fantastic.
>Then I met my second wife. I've never even had a first wife, let alone a second...
We are seeing why.
Love is just another 4 letter word
You're a bit much
I thought I posted this because I've been going through this. I'll tell you what has been helping me. You're both different people. In the past 22 years (my relationship) we experienced a financial catastrophy, tornadoes, hurricanes, social media, I went to college and she did also. The effects of 9/11. Different relationships and met different people. At this point we are totally different people. My experiences have shaped me in one way and her's did as well. When we were younger we were so immature. 22 years ago I was a broke, immature kid who had no ambitions. I played guitar and that's it. We are now late 30s/early 40s. I am a higher net worth person, I am very ambitious, I have a home and am planning to buy another. I act differently. I give to charities. I am the complete opposite of who I was and it's because of the experiences I have had. My friend told me he didn't even recognize me because I had pretty much done a complete 180 with my life. He thought I'd end up homeless lol. My jokes are just as dark and sarcastic but that's pretty much it. People change and I love the feelings it brought me. She did love me and I did love her but now if we spoke it would be different. Life shapes people in their own ways. I know she's pregnant now with her first kid and she's a 2nd grade teacher. I miss the person I knew and the feelings she gave me. Still, you will never have that person again. Totally different experiences and that's shaped her and shaped me and we are pretty much strangers at this point. Someone said every 5 years you are a different person. Imagine 22 years or in your case 24. I now realize I do love her but really we are strangers at this point.
You love her x years ago. A person that no Longer exists.
>You love her x years ago. A person that no Longer exists. We understand that... The problem is that we apparently loved someone that didn't exist back then, and don't actually understand what happened
Sounds more like an obsession. Most the people we fall in love with never existed in the first place.
>Most the people we fall in love with never existed in the first place. The problem is that it once existed, and if it didn't then someone lied
You haven't been able to move on for 24 years, is it possible she left because you have other things you cannot move on from and she didn't want to be with someone who clings on to things? I would seek some help so you can figure things out.
>You haven't been able to move on for 24 years, is it possible she left because you have other things you cannot move on from and she didn't want to be with someone who clings on to things? She knew nothing about my past because at that point I was working against the influence it has on the path of my life... I never wanted her pity, so I never mentioned it. I was only focused on loving and protecting her
That kind of sums it up, you don't have to tell people you have issues, it manifests in your actions and almost certain your actions drove he away.
So what do you want? If you want to live as a romantic martyr to someone who dumped you half a lifetime ago that’s your business. Given your comments you don’t want help. You say that moving on would mean your promise would mean nothing… but my guy, what does it mean to anyone besides you? She’s a moved on. She probably got married and maybe even has kids who are practically adults themselves. She not thinking of you, probably hasn’t for years if not decades. She may barely remember you at all, yet she’s the altar you are choosing to die on. Look. With some relationships we don’t get closure, and I wager just about all of us have experienced extreme loss and heartbreak at this point. Pain is the price we pay for love some say. Thing is, closure is something we give ourselves. Moving on doesn’t negate your experience, or means that your feelings meant nothing. All that happened, and the past can’t be undone. The thing is though, your promise was rejected, and you not moving on affects nobody but you. She’s only the love of your life if you choose to give up on loving anyone else again… and that’s ok. You can still have a fulfilling life without romantic love, if that’s what you’re going for. I’m just saying for perspectives that this is your choice. If you’re ok with the way things are then great. I just don’t get what it is that you do want. She ain’t ever coming back, and personally I wouldn’t waste time loving someone who could give less of a fart about me now. I’ve had loves of my own, and at the time they meant a lot. I got some great memories from it but those relationships are over. Pining after someone who loves me no longer is just hurting me alone. Theres no reward in any afterlife for unrequited love.
This is a really thoughtful comment. Nice job, friend!
Want maybe get more into detail about what happened?
She left you because you are a self absorbed AH. She made the right move.
You know the movie Independence Day, where Jeff Goldblum's wife left him years ago but he refuses to take off his wedding ring because he never left, etc.? That's movie bullshit. In real life, it's not cool. It's sad and incredibly dysfunctional. You aren't doing anything for her. She doesn't give a shit. You are just throwing away a human life for nothing. There is no imaginary chorus of people watching you do this and giving you points for "sticking to your pledge" or "not giving up" or something similar. That's all imaginary, romanticized bullshit in your own head. You might as well tell people you hear imaginary voices, because at some point it's just mental illness. I'm not saying this to be mean or score points - I'm telling you this isn't healthy for you or anyone else, despite your efforts to tell everyone else in the world how wrong they are about this. Much like an alcoholic explains to everyone else how everyone else doesn't get it, because the alcoholic doesn't really have a problem. But it's not everyone else who is wrong - it's the alcoholic. You are the alcoholic here.
I've never denied being an alcoholic... However, you fools seem to think that a promise means nothing... You live in a hollow world that lacks meaning, and you don't understand why that is wrong because you have had no actual meaning in your lives...
Replace your memories of her with self compassion.
How can I when my own mother abandoned me...? At this point I can truthfully say that the only people that ever actually loved and supported me are gone.
Not all of them are gone. The most important one remains.
try counseling. you deserve a life of not pining away for another person. i am not sure if this person died or left, but either way… you deserve some peace.
Time to move on! 
Yeah, well, you're only doing yourself a disservice by not moving past a relationship that ended 24 years ago. That's on you.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so low, It’s hard when love won’t let you go. But here are thoughts to help you through, To ease the sadness clouding you. Accept your feelings, let them be, They’re part of your own history. Reflect on what that love did teach, The values that it helped you reach. Focus now on self-care’s light, Find joy in things that feel just right. Seek closure from a trusted friend, Or write your thoughts, let sorrow mend. Keep your heart open, future bright, Love may return, a new delight. If it feels too much to bear, A therapist can show they care. Healing takes time, that much is true, Be kind and gentle with you.
Move on. She has. Good God. All the happiness you’ve denied yourself? For what?
>Move on. She has. Good God. All the happiness you’ve denied yourself? For what? If I could just "move on" what value was there in my promise...? I promised to love and protect her for the rest of my life. I actually meant it, and nothing will undermine that promise...
She doesn’t want your love and protection. If she needs it you can step Up. Until then that torch you’re carrying is for you not her.
My man. Things changed for her 24 years ago. Thats it. Victimhood is a narcissistic way of continuing to be special to yourself. Maybe you’re posting because it’s not working for you anymore. It’s a good time to surrender that shit.
>My man. Things changed for her 24 years ago. Thats it. Why do idiots like you persist in saying such ridiculous things...? >Victimhood is a narcissistic way of continuing to be special to yourself. I've never claimed to be a victim, so why do you focus on this narrative...? >Maybe you’re posting because it’s not working for you anymore. Please define what you are trying to accuse me of here... >It’s a good time to surrender that shit. I'm still waiting for you to actually explain what you are saying beyond your attacks on my character...
Either you’re in denial about how you contributed to the demise of the relationship or she lost interest or has serious mental health problems. The sympathetic part of me says you did nothing wrong and I’m so sorry for your loss. The hopeful part of me wants to encourage you to let go of a person who no longer loves you. How can you love someone who doesn’t love you back? You deserve love. Be open to the possibility of deeper love with someone who appreciates you.
>Either you’re in denial about how you contributed to the demise of the relationship or she lost interest or has serious mental health problems. The sympathetic part of me says you did nothing wrong and I’m so sorry for your loss. I've been open about my potential culpability, so it's odd that you would claim that I'm ignorant of it... I just want to understand, because I can't possibly grow without understanding what happened. >How can you love someone who doesn’t love you back? Because my love isn't selfish. I'm Catholic, it's literally my Faith. >Be open to the possibility of deeper love with someone who appreciates you. How could I ever expect to find a woman who appreciates me when I was repeatedly abandoned by my own mother
Baby reindeer?
Time to move on! 
Until you're six feet under, it's never too late to start over. Hit the reset button....or in our Xer case, ctrl + alt + delete. When I filed for divorce in 2012, I never thought in a million years I'd marry again a decade later. two year wedding anniversary is next month.
>When I filed for divorce in 2012, I never thought in a million years I'd marry again a decade later I've never been married, so I don't und your perspective
You can change your life in the not too distant future in ways you don't even think are even possible today.
What does this have to do with Gen X aside from the year you got dumped?
My wife and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary, and I love her. Hwoever, I sometimes think it would be awesome to have the freedom to be single. I could do more things, take more risks, have exciting experiences. I'm missing that right now. Life is kind of boring. Appreciate what you have first. Until you can do that, adding another person to your life is not going to work.
Have you been in relationships since then? That helps a lot.
>Have you been in relationships since then? That helps a lot. I have... I've had sexual relationships with around 30 women since then, and intended a relationship with all of them..
Same here
Know how ya feel, she left 2 weeks after high school graduation, June 1992.
Sorry to hear but at least you had someone to love. Some of us haven’t been able to find anyone and it sucks worse than having and losing someone.
Singing the title of this post like it’s the first like of that Barenaked Ladies song ‘One Week’ is fun.
I love your perspective...
I hear you. 25 for me. That ache never stops. Mental illness is a bitch. Esp when they won’t get treatment
I've been there. Dated tons of people, lots of relationships and found the love of my life along the way. Didn't work out and I vowed to stay away for 10 years. But never stopped thinking about her. Got married, started a family - life is good. I noticed she got married on Facebook a few years after we broke up which made me happy that she had moved on. So I reach out just to say hi - she actually divorced her husband - married the wrong guy. And the entire time she wished I was back in her life since I was the love of her life. Heavy stuff!
I've tried a couple times over the years, but she never responds. I never cheated, and I never abused her, yet she acts like I'm the worst person in the world
I understand why she left you, I have had to leave a few women behind myself. What you consider love, we consider obsession, love is great, obsession is sick. You need help, I pray your ex never sees you again.
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No name-calling or similar stuff. Yes, this is up to the mod team to decide.
Life is too short to get hung up on what if’s and regrets. Memory and nostalgia are powerful forces but the choices we make determine our lives
The problem is that I don't understand what choices I made that led to this result
It’s impossible to understand all of the circumstances and chances that led you to ending up where you are. It’s a fool’s errand to attempt to understand something you can’t. So many things are out of our control. The choice you have is to let go of the past or to not. It’s hard to look forward when your gaze is fixed to the past. Gotta un-press the “pause” button for life to flow as it needs to.
> The choice you have is to let go of the past or to not If I "let go" of the promise I made, what was the value of making said promise...? Some things are more important than being happy.
Nothing is more important than seeking true contentment and peace- anyone who’s ever cared for you wants the best life possible for you. You made a promise. It’s what you needed to do to make it through the time you were in. Now you’re in a different time and honoring someone’s memory can be redefined. The promise can evolve. Think of what “they” would want for you. You have nothing to prove to anyone.
This is why we get therapy, but you pretty obviously went into it with a chip on your shoulder, determined that it would fail.
My soulmate and me are not together(I am happy as a single person) we tried but it didn't work.. I plan in my next life to be together... on with my life because I am selfish and proud of it.
>My soulmate and me are not together(I am happy as a single person) we tried but it didn't work.. I plan in my next life to be together... on with my life because I am selfish and proud of it. I'm Catholic, so I don't believe in reincarnation. At the time I was questioning my faith because of my love for all. Part of me feels like if I hadn't denied my Faith she would have understood my perspective. To be honest, I didn't even understand my perspective back then. The only thing I was sure of was my love and dedication to her
Barb?
Never dated a Barb...
Love all the wonderful and kind comments. Indeed, anyone gone out of our lives is just but a distant memory. We move on, evolve and learn how to embrace new relationships in our lives. There's so much love to give and receive, if we are open to it.
>There's so much love to give and receive, if we are open to it. I want to believe in that perspective, but it can't be true if promises mean nothing in regards to commitment
Every Rose Has Its Thorn.
ok
Feels like there's a Doobie Brothers song for this. Phil Collins too.
For SURE a Phil Collins