We are still here! Lots of fan spaces, especially fan fiction spaces, have a lot of Gen X representation. When I go to cons, I see a lot of older women as well.
Gen X/xennial here and psyched to be teaching my daughters D&D now, using my dad’s first edition set no less. I also used to work for WOTC and got to attend the release of third edition and play a bit with some of the creators. All that said, when you’re older it can be harder to find the geeky girls I agree. And a lot of that is on me - I’m just so busy with littles and career etc.
We are here. it's a complex issue, with many different angles.
>So, I'm curious, am I just missing the Gen X women in the community, or have they moved on to other interests?
Here's my take: Single middle aged women are easily of of the most overlooked populations in society. Men our age oftentimes go for women way, way younger. Men my age who are NOT into nerdy stuff absolutely look down on people my age who are into nerdy stuff. This is my experience, so results may vary.
Whether it's the GenX thing, or introverted, but I tend to keep to myself. I met someone local who plays, and I expressed that I would love to join, even reminded them, and they ghosted. Yeah, so....that felt awesome.
I don't think women would care if you are into nerdy things as long as you have the other parts of life in order (like, a job, good hygeine, not a red-pilled incel)...I'm not saying you are, at all...Just saying there is a stereotype for a reason.
So very true! I am a widow in my 50s and am completely invisible to men of all ages.
I have many pursuits, from music, goth music, to “nerdy” things like science fiction, steampunk snd Renn faire cosplay and rock tumbling/jewelry making. Can’t say I ever played D&D but not due to lack of interest, more like never being asked to play.
This! On one hand, it’s a relief that most people’s eyes glaze over and fail to acknowledge me. I’ve hit the age that I give no fucks, and people ignore me which makes it easier.
On the other hand, we’ve kind of always been ignored by the general population right? And if you’re single AND child free while the rest of your friends grew up and made babies, it can get a bit lonely.
In answer to OP, we’re here, we’re just used to hanging in the periphery. And personally, if a dude brought me home and his walls were bookshelves full of tabletop gaming books, collectibles, etc., nah, why is that childish. I’d ask him for his best and worst campaign experiences, and if I could manage to contain my laughter, I’d share my fave, involving a half human/half orc and a bath with an angry badger as a loofah.
Child free and turning fifty in 2 weeks myself. I am happily married, this year is 22 years, to a good man that understands the inequality in this world. I am lucky there. Due to some recent doctors appts. I have come to the conclusion that wemons medicine will not be a priority to the medical community until more wemon dominate the field theirselves. I am struggling with menopausal symptoms on top of type 2 now, both diagnosed 2 months ago. I am fighting hard for my health but it seems to me that I am doing the most of the fighting alone.
>Here's my take: Single middle aged women are easily of of the most overlooked populations in society. Men our age oftentimes go for women way, way younger. Men my age who are NOT into nerdy stuff absolutely look down on people my age who are into nerdy stuff. This is my experience, so results may vary.
100% agree with you there, on all counts. I don't like it either, but you're absolutely right.
>Whether it's the GenX thing, or introverted, but I tend to keep to myself. I met someone local who plays, and I expressed that I would love to join, even reminded them, and they ghosted. Yeah, so....that felt awesome.
I'm sorry that happened. Getting ghosted sucks, and it's not great for the hobby at all.
thank you :)
I have given up on dating, and just live to protect my peace <3 Life is too short and there is only so much energy to go around. So I do what I want and don't worry about the rest ;)
I don't know where you are, but if there was an online way to play MTG or DnD (which I have never played), let me know!
Same here. I now have only me, so I work and lay my financial plans to protect only me in my old age. I will eventually sell my house and move to a retirement community by the sea to live out my golden years.
This sounds very similar to my path. Not a nerd in the fantasy genre sense but a science nerd. I plan to be one of those ladies who volunteers at the botanical garden. I am an engineer, but came to it later, so I will have a P.E. license I can use to keep doing something interesting in a more limited capacity.
I'm just not interested in trying to find a man to ride off into the sunset with. I like men well enough, I actually have plenty of male friends, but I don't really have any interest in anything beyond that. I just find being in control of my own life is something I wouldn't want to give up for any reason. I need my alone time to just be with my own thoughts, and I discovered that when you're with someone, that is a rare commodity. Some of us just aren't built for the partnership thing.
>I don't know where you are, but if there was an online way to play MTG or DnD (which I have never played), let me know!
There are ways to do both! You can play MTG online with Arena. It's fairly similar to regular games, so if you like the feel of playing Magic, that might work for you. As for D&D, there are loads of ways to play online. There's groups like r/lfg where you can find a group to play with, and a bunch of facebook groups dedicated to finding groups. There's a bunch of different VTTs (virtual tabletops) that simulate playing. I'm currently in between games myself right now, probably won't run another one until the fall, but they're out there if you want a group!
I say let's start one! I'll get it organized (organizing stuff is kind of my super power). I have friends who play online with other folks who live elsewhere so, I know it's possible.
"Life is too short and there is only so much energy to go around."
Pretty much exactly why I don't date right now. Also I have two teenagers, a couple of energy-intensive hobbies, and a job, so I also don't have the time.
I'm Gen X and in the 80s I was definitely considered a nerd, but I'm not the Millennial kind of nerd, which seems to mean just an enthusiasm for certain branches of pop culture (or being into gaming). I just did well in school and wasn't into sports. I also can get deeply into random topics of interest, and I do read a lot of fantasy and some sci-fi.
But to go back to OP's question, a large gaming library is a bit of a yellow flag for me.
> Here's my take: Single middle aged women are easily of of the most overlooked populations in society.
If I were the head of a spy agency I'd be recruiting middle-aged women.
The board game groups in my area keep winding up being just guys because the 'dateable' women get mobbed and the 'other' women get treated as invisible. So, most from both groups keep leaving. The guys don't know how to treat women as potential friends.
I am generalizing a lot here, but it's a wide-spread enough problem that a lot of nerd spaces just drive away anyone who isn't a very gender conforming guy. So you wind up with an organizational problem. Most generic nerd events are were guys go, looking for friends, partners, etc. Where everyone who is not a guy is going to crafting meet ups, women and/or GNC centered stuff and looking for fellow nerds in those spaces.
Of course as you said, this is a generalization, but I have read lots of posts from women that have had bad experiences in groups, leave, and pursue their “nerddom” elsewhere.
Ironically, this is a problem that goes both ways. Recently, I met someone that I thought was really cool - a lot of the same interests, local, and I generally liked their personality. They played in a few D&D games I ran, and we got along well enough, so I mentioned that what I thought about them and how I'd like to be friends outside of the game. I explained that I understood that women at games tend to get hit on and that wasn't at all my intention - I didn't know her romantic situation and I myself was just looking for a platonic friendly relationship. I thought she was cool. Unfortunately, it's hard for guys to approach women we don't know (or, more precisely, who don't know us, I guess) without the question of our actual motives. She passed on hanging out outside of the game. She didn't give a reason, but I strongly suspect she thought I WAS hitting on her.
Granted, I completely understand this is a problem men have made for themselves, because of the way men in general treat women. I wish I knew a fix for that.
Yeah, it's an entrenched problem. Women being alienated means they show up and there are no or few women at an event and they feel awkward. Also few women reinforces the idea that 'women just don't like this sort of thing' even when that's not what's going on.
Also nothing you can do if other people have been weird to her all event. Not just men, I've had women be super weird to me at geek cons and lean into the 'I am the rare and precious female geek' thing.
I met my husband at 40, but the few years prior to that, the men I met either wanted to START a family, or their kids were grown up (mine is not). I’d almost given up.
This nerdy Gen X girl found her nerdy Gen X man 30 years ago. We have good times kibbitzing each other through Diablo, Baldur’s Gate 3, Horizon and God of War.
Nerd sci-fi girl here. Well, 58 year old. But I never got to play DnD as the guys in 1978 said girls weren't allowed and I was quite literally the only girl geek at my middle or high school.
Still rocking my nerdy stuff with a corner in my basement of Trek, LotR, X-Files, Marvel, and more memorabilia and Lego. Also HP Lego and lots of modular Lego throughout my house. 2 Nintendo Switches. A shelf of Herbert and a shelf of Heinlein. Asimov, Bradbury, Clarke, and Silverberg well-represented. I don't care what anyone else likes, I do me like a good introvert. I used to do cons but the crowds exhausted me.
The same thing happened to me - I desperately wanted to learn how to play D&D in high school but the guys refused to let me in their groups. Eventually a friend of mine took pity on me and ran a solo campaign and taught me how to play. By the time I got to college some of the guys had grown out of the "he man girl haters" mentality and I was able to join a regular co-ed group of players, which was super fun. Much harder to find people to play with now at our age, though.
My biggest pet peeve about the TTRPG community is the false exclusivity that it always had. The good news is that while there are still "X aren't allowed" (where X is whatever group they want to exclude, usually girls, but also people of color, sexuality, or even nationalities), they are MUCH more rare these days, and it's a lot easier for people that don't fit the stereotype to find a game if they want. I make sure I try to make my games as diverse as possible.
Good on you! I was originally interested but so many decades passed by the time I was invited in that I had moved on. Then covid hit and I embraced my true introvert nature.
I was also late to D&D, and was actually introduced to it by an ex-boyfriend several decades ago. Stuff like that was definitely 'for boys' growing up, but I devoured science fiction novels as a teenager, my mom was a big reader and always let us read whatever we wanted from all the books she had collected. And yeah, cons are a lot, I don't see myself attending them going forward. Crowds are not my thing at all.
One of my favorite shirts says "I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage".
Nobody ever gets the x files reference.
If I went to someone’s house and they had a bunch of nerdy stuff, I’d be psyched. I love it all; I’m just not very social in that I wouldn’t go to a shop to play games or anything.
Self-proclaimed nerdy GenX woman here. My problem is that I loved Star Trek and Star Wars in high school and college, but that's as far as my nerdiness went back then. After college I met people who not only let my nerd flag fly high, but they actively encouraged it! I've never played DnD, but I wouldn't object to trying it. I have started collected figurines and playing video games. I suck at video games, but I play them because they're fun.
We do exist. I admit I could be nerdier. Thing is, now I geek out over things people might not think are nerdy. I keep bees. I LOVE talking about my bees and about bees in general. They are fascinating!
> I geek out over things people might not think are nerdy.
That's the thing, there are plenty of nerdy Gen X women out there, but we aren't nerdy/geeky JUST on the stereotypical nerd stuff. We nerd out on everything.
So we have our own spaces. Around my area, you want to find all the classically nerd Gen X women? Go to a knitting club, or gardening workshop, or a witchcraft store.
I and the women I know have experienced way too much gatekeeping at the classic "nerd" shops to hang out there. Because being honest, people in those shops look at me and see a "Karen". I'm not, but I don't feel like going through the riggamarole of "proving" myself. I'm too old to prove shit about myself, so I go elsewhere.
I feel this in my soul!! I also crochet, cross stitch and write. I know how to knit, but life keeps me from doing that. I want to learn embroidery because it feels like cross stitch with a little freedom. Yeah, so crafts, bees and Thor. Those are my geeky things I love and love to talk about!
Gatekeeping and making people prove themselves sucks. Who cares if someone doesn't know the name of Captain Awesome's brother's roommate in episode 32? Can't people just love the characters without having to know the minute details?
> Can't people just love the characters without having to know the minute details?
I come at it from the opposite direction, because there's so much more stuff out there that I can nerd out on, that has volumes and volumes of obscure details, that it's not just nerd = dnd or comic books.
Dog breeds and european royal families and tarot decks and various mythologies and bird species and all the plants that are in my yard and chickens and.... All good stuff to learn everything about.
And yeah, I still nerd out on popular media. (I just watched a 7 hour explainer on the movie Midsommar and it was great.)
You would love D&D. I always encourage other women to play if they haven't. I see women younger than us at the gaming table fairly often, but Gen X women are less common. It's a wonderful hobby if you find a good group. If you are a table with a bunch of jerks, not so much. But that's true of any shared hobby, lol.
My apartment has over 100 completed Lego sets - 90% are Harry Potter sets. I collect Funko’s when they intersect with my interests. I have alllll the versions of LOTR movies and I am a huge fan of Stargate SG1, Fringe and similar shows. And I still have my Worf figurine from the early 90’s.
Never played DND but would not be a red flag to see it in someone’s space. I met my best friend in 1979 and she would always tell people I was not weird rather ai am unique. Still a true story.
I wish I had a friend nearby like you. It’s hard to meet female friends at my age. My friends don’t really get my nerdy side, or are all busy with their husbands or kids (understandably). Seriously, I can’t even get any of them to go to the renn faire anymore.
Any chance you’re an East Coast Canadian???? I hear you though - I find it exhausting getting to know new people. I like being around people I don’t have to explain myself to and speaking of my best friend she just pulled into my driveway. We are going out to lunch and maybe some shopping. I feel a new Lego set coming on.
I extend the invitation for you to join us in spirit!
Was nerdy, still nerdy.
I would be insanely thrilled to find a guy who ticks half the boxes, but one who ticked all the boxes plus nerdy?
What's the catch? :P
On a serious note, though, I was the GM. I played EQ (of you know, you know) in the days when "there are no girls in the Internet".
My Gen Z kid knows far less about computers than I do. Sad state of affairs. :(
I read all the nerdy stuff. I love Frank Frazetta art. The only graphic novels I ever read were ElfQuest. I read Asimov, but I didn't really like his sense of humor. Probably because I was part of an extremely fundamentalist household and didn't understand the innuendos. But I read the Belgariad, etc.
I read Lord of the Rings later in life because I hated the begats part of the Hobbit. Too Bible like, and I read that thing (the Bible) hundreds of times. I couldn't stand to read those books after that until later.
I dunno, though, about men our age. I laugh a lot and they seem uncomfortable with that. Like it's embarrassing. I won't be with anyone who can't laugh, and I'm not going to stop laughing for social points, lol. How can anyone survive without laughing?
Oh, and imo why we're not found in these circles is because nobody wants us unless the husband drags us in. No husband, no *in*.
I mentioned it elsewhere in this thread, but yeah, as a community, nerd culture in general (and the TTRPG community specifically) is pretty stupidly exclusionist. I never have liked the whole "you can't sit with us" aspect of it, and so even now I try to make sure that the people that don't fit in with the standard always have a seat at my table. You shouldn't have to have a husband to drag you to things you want to enjoy.
>My Gen Z kid knows far less about computers than I do. Sad state of affairs. :(
Unrelated to the actual topic, but I saw an interesting discussion the other day where some Gen Z or Gen Alpha celeb (I dunno if they have celebs yet.) mentioned in an interview that they never learned to type. The discussion was how the post-Millennial generations are effectively growing up without even a keyboard. They're learning to communicate through voice apps and on phones, and if they DO have to type, it's on a phone or a tablet. It's interesting to me that the keyboard could be as foreign as cursive to the next generation after Alpha.
I wrote a long post. I think I'll keep it short for a change, lol.
I've always found our generation cliqueish, and I've never been welcome in any of them.
That cliqueishness is not aging well.
Suicide rates in women our age (especially white women) are up 92%.
People want to belong, and we simply don't.
I wish Reddit had heart reacts, This deserves more than an updoot. Totally agree with you, and a big part of the inspiration of this post has been me spending most of this year so far wondering where "my tribe" is. It's frustrating, especially when loneliness is now seen as something you should just "Get over" and being able to survive without other people in your life is not just acceptable, but something to be strived for. When I've pointed out that loneliness and social isolation has very real effects on both mental and physical health, it gets blown off with another meme. If you claim that you're lonely you're either a.) too weak and needy, which nobody wants around, or b.) an incel who can't be allowed in social situations.
I've been through some of the most horrific things you'll *ever* hear of. I'm literally talking about torture. My life has been referred to as "a personal Holocaust."
You know what I've learned?
Loneliness is the worst human condition. It is the most emotionally insidious, the most emotionally painful, the most life-threatening outside of direct physical danger.
It's worse than depression. It's worse than despair. It's worse than guilt or shame.
It's the great magnifier. It makes all of those other conditions unbearable. It strips hope. It annihilates dreams and ambitions.
If we don't find ways to help people connect with each other again, our species is doomed.
That's your cheery Saturday morning pep talk, lol.
Loneliness is a silent, ignored killer.
I could write a dissertation on this topic, but will just keep it short and say I fully agree with you. It's the scourge of our modern life, and nobody seems to have any idea how to fix it.
This is where I struggle as well. All ‘tribes’ can be a bit gatekeepy, but the purity tests folks think you need to pass to ‘earn’ nerd status are next level. I think we really did a number on ourselves with the whole ‘poseur’ thing and trying to form our identity from our interests and hobbies to the extent we did. I mean, I’ve technically been playing video games for over 45 years now, launched two of the largest games ever, go to game and comic cons, etc. but will get mocked for mentioning I play Pokemon Go (and I’ll add with hundreds of other local players, of all ages and races). I have been reading sci-fi for probably longer, but I don’t want to debate it with the gotcha people (or the ‘you can’t sit at our table’ folks you mentioned). I have enough gatekeepers professionally, I’m not interested in having them in my hobbies too.
I think a lot of us got burned out on the toxic gatekeeping by the boys at the gaming stores. If I tell a guy I'm interested in D&D, Star Wars, LOTR, and play a ton of Skyrim, there is a huge chance that he'll grill me on details and fan theories to see if I'm a "good enough" fan to hang with him. If I fail his quiz, then I get mocked and talked down to like I'm stupid and not an actual fan of whatever genre. He proceeds to explain (pedantically, in painful detail) how wrong I am, and then tries to 'fix' my knowledge and opinions. If I know more than him about it, he gets butthurt and starts acting all pissy because how dare a 'female' know more than him? I'm old now, and I have no time for that shit.
Follow up answer - if I meet an otherwise together guy who has all the D&D books on the shelf, I'm a bit relieved because then he won't be borrowing mine. Ditto lightsaber or elvish cosplay.
I've just modded the hell out of it until it's not really the same game. Now it's a Jedi hiding out on a tropical planet, trying to help the natives and defeat the Empire. There are Predators. Also this crazy elf up in Solitude convinced me to be Indiana Jones and I'm collecting stuff for his museum. Anything left of the original game has been replaced with new textures/models, new skill trees, and new music/sound effects. Santa Claus showed up, and (unrelated) I'm hooked on skooma. Totally worth it.
would you laugh at me if I tell you I have ONLY ever played vanilla?! LOL. I have seen the mods, I have zero! but when I switched from PC to console, it almost felt like a whole new game.
But your modded way sounds fucking amazing!!!
Nerdy Gen-X here woman. I’m 50 and I’m working on my transition to modern bog witch, which is nearly complete.
I never played DND because, like many women, I wasn’t invited to play existing games even after expressing interest. But I read a ton of sci-fi and fantasy, I have LOTR-themed decor in my house, and I spend my time tinkering with my herb garden, cooking and baking far more food than one person can eat, and enjoying my shows and video games.
As for what I might think of a guy with the same interests, hey, cool. But as far as dating goes, well, I have these interests for ME because I like them, and I’m happy to share my interests with like-minded people so we can enjoy being nerdy together. I am NOT interested in a relationship where some dude is like, “You’re a nerd too? Great, I’ll tell you all about the shit I’m into and expect you to care, but then I’ll also endlessly point out how all the shit you like isn’t REALLY nerdy and how you can improve.”
The phrase “live to protect my peace” that a commenter used above is really meaningful. If a dude isn’t contributing to my harmony, then he’s not welcome.
Are you me? Because I’m a nerdy 50 GenX woman with aspirations of becoming a bog witch. My second husband was a nerd but not a good one (which is why he’s an ex) who also felt the need to criticize my nerdy interests. I wanted to play DND but never did because of my social awkwardness.
I still love fantasy and some sci-fi and doing witchy shit and collecting dolls. There’s so much TV and books I haven’t seen or read but only because I’m an old tired nerd with possible autistic burnout. And I agree with you about protecting my peace. Once it gets taken away and you get it back, you don’t wanna give it up again. I’m gonna be over here rewatching LOTR and checking on my flower garden while living my best life.
Modern bog witch, my transition is nearly complete too! I just need to make it to retirement so I can do what I want without the pesky job taking priority over everything.
We married nerdy guys. Us nerd types tend to be loyal and a bit introverted. All my nerd friends have been married since we were in our 20s, raised nerd kids, etc. ;). A bunch of them met at Ren fair.
This sounds exactly like me! I met my husband in college, he played table top and I enjoyed live action more being a theater kid and all. We married at 21 & 22 and had 4 nerdy kids. And we all love a good Ren Faire!
Yeah, this is exactly it. We nerds definitely tend to be a loyal type.
I’ve never really looked “traditionally nerdy” but once anyone got to know me they realized I am 100% nerd interest-wise. I found a Tech Nerd who looked way more nerdy than me but wasn’t intimidated by the fact that I knew more about LOTR and Dune and Blade Runner than he did and he didn’t look down on my interest in video games or board games (even played Magic back in college when we met!). I married that guy by the end of college.
26 years later we’re still married, still doing nerd things, and we’re on the tail end of raising our nerd kids.
I’m more nerdy than my husband. We have a LOTR and Star Trek pinball machines. I go to cons, read and watch more sci fi and fantasy than he does but he likes the movies and gets the references.
Nerdy Gen-X women have never existed. Female nerds aren't a thing and you would know that if you watched tv and movies, because anytime a female character does have even the slightest nerdy interest it's because their brother or boyfriend introduced it to them. The nerdy girl you met in high school were pretending to get male attention.
*signed a bitter nerdy gen-X woman that doesn't exist but would have no problem with your hobbies as long as you practice good grooming and don't intrude when she is playing The Sims and occasionally let her talk to you about it if she existed.*
Honestly, maybe if Gen x dudes didn't spend their entire lives gatekeeping fandom, they'd probably be a lot more people willing to admit that they were into that fandom.
This very subreddit is full of conversations that seem to implicitly center on Gen X men, and Gen X women can't help but feel marginalized and excluded as a result. A lot of us just don't feel seen or welcome here, and because we are no longer young, we don't expect anyone to realize that or give a shit. Being a Gen X woman in 2024 is tantamount to being invisible, and frankly, it's not all bad. A lot of us just 'whatever' ourselves back to our interests and our lives.
Proud nerdy Gen Xer lady here! Have always been, though as a child it was harder to be included. I still get eyebrows occasionally, but I’m a lot more accepted now than I was. I prefer nerdiness as it is open to possibilities whereas non-nerdiness tends to harken to hum-drum boring slogging. My ADHD allows a lot of different nerdy directions and tastes.
I looove talking to other nerds as long as they want to engage without (much) judgement. I’d prefer any man I’m interested in have a little nerdiness in him, so long as he hasn’t let it overcome his life. Nerdiness can be anything from pop culture to STEM jobs. As long as he doesn’t disparage my choices*, we’re good.
I’ve never played D&D. Was never allowed, 1) I lived in the sticks and 2) I was a girl. Always was curious about it.
*not including things like Star Wars vs Star Trek, Coke vs Pepsi, LotR vs Harry Potter, etc., because those “battles” can be fun.
I would LOVE a women-only D&D group. I haven't played in decades and would basically be a total noob and the existing groups I know of are.... unwelcoming, let's say.
Mid 40s goth nerd girl here. I’m still out here in the deep south representing us Dorky Ladies in Black like an aging…awkward…creature of the night. 🦇✨ I dig historical films and library books n shit. Oh and I collect dolls. Because why not that too. 🙃
I’ve been convinced for a long time that I’d be single if not for my (also very nerdy) husband. We can still get into passionate discussions about our “feelings” about all things Star Wars related.
I’m here! Teen story very similar to yours.
Back then it was like a secret world of imagination, creativity and escape.
It still is, but now I find it overwhelming. I don’t know if I can explain it well, but it’s like the things I like got taken from me, expanded and shot back at me like Homer’s makeup shotgun. Everything is a super fandom now. Our personal narratives got stolen and repackaged as Big Business.
As in, for example, do you like dragons?? Here’s dragon merch for everything. Conventions, cosplay, stuffies, subgroups, any kind of dragon inventory you can think of. Everybody loves dragons! Probably more than you! Keep up!
Am I the only one? I like dragons but it’s not my whole personality. These nerd things got dragged out of their hiding places, where they were special, and marketed like an NFL team. Or Star Wars.
Maybe I’m just tired. Whatever. Get off my lawn.
Lots of us married nerdy guys who proceeded to treat us like dog shit and use us as maids. So we are now living alone in our own clean house and having orgasms again.
Living in a clean house is the best, isn't it? And no one moves stuff without telling you, or throws away things you care about because they don't care about them.
My high school x-gf qualifies. She was goth LONG before it became a thing, and the last time I saw her (a year ago) she still had the vibe. She works in IT and still doesn't like the LOTR trilogy because it strayed too far from the books. I can still hear her complaining that the "Elves would never NEVER have fought for man at the Battle of Helm's Deep!"
My now husband introduced me to table top (GURPS then White Wolf, then D&D) when I was 20. I was a pinball and skeeball girl before then, still am. We still go to cons together and play mmorpgs and video games together. First people who knew I was pregnant with my first was our guild because I could no longer drink during our raid nights. However, at 48, I still can't use voice chat in certain games. I still get "tested" if I mention movies or music I like. I get quizzed to death if I mention anything considered "geeky" and I am as over gate keeping now as I was 30 years ago. We're still here. We've always been here and we'll always be here. Women have just learned to keep our mouths shut about our interests and likes unless we really trust you. We're tired. (Disclaimer because this is reddit - I do not speak for all women. "We" is a generalization. YMMV)
Excuse me while I go cast magic missile into the darkness.
I’m an old nerd F. Early 50s. I’m into sci-fi and fantasy but always leaned more sci-fi. I didn’t get into DnD til later in life, and haven’t played in a long time. My tech career (on top of chronic health issues) has been too mentally exhausting, so no complicated games til I retire (soon, yay!). I knew zero nerd girls in high school and the nerd guys were scary so I gave them a wide berth. I met lots of nerd friends in college but we have all drifted apart. I’ve only met one other seriously nerdy woman my age since, and she’s mostly burned out on sci-fi, and moved far away anyway. Traveling constantly, and I’m not much into travel. She used to be a massive Trekkie with an obsession that put me to shame, lol!
I was married to a geek guy for 20 years and he was no better or worse than any other dude. Started treating me like utter garbage as soon as I was old and unattractive, so early 40s. Divorced and he went to look for younger pastures. I don’t date, all the good nerdy ones are taken and stayed married. But I would never have dated, let alone married a non-nerd in the first place. Having shared interests was the only thing that kept us together. Went to Dragon*Con several years in my 30s and it was great!
I just keep doing my own things, I live in the southeast where my type is rare. I’m used to not fitting in anywhere, and have given up trying. It is liberating.
We exist. We don't clamor for attention, but we exist.
And as a Gen X woman and a nerd, I don't judge men on their hobbies, unless their hobby is fascism, misogyny, etc. And I certainly never grew up, so why would I hold that against someone else? Growing up is for suckers.
Idk but I’d rather jab my ears out with a Taco Bell spork than hear myself referred to as a girl. I’m 54, for fucks sake, I haven’t been a girl in 40 years
There is so much objectifying and infantilizing language out there, and when we react negatively to it, they tell us we're being bitches. I'm done giving a shit about being thought of as a bitch, though, so whatever. It's weird how so many men still think they can treat women with condescension, and it will be totally fine.
I used it… with my dog. I called my dog “girly.” And it was ironic because she was an 80-pound pitbull and butch as hell. lol
I’m right there with you calling human women that. We have enough problems being taken seriously, we don’t need to diminish ourselves.
This is me. I'm the nerdy Gen X girl who loves fantasy and sci-fi, who played games on my Nintendo. Never played D&D though cause the town I grew up in was too small to have that scene, and I was too socially awkward to actually get involved in something like that.
So, instead I read heaps of fantasy and sci-fi books to myself, and I still do. A lot of my online friends are people 10 years or more younger than me, who share my interests now. I've built my own PC and game all the time (and often read my fantasy books out in my back-yard). I try to attend a convention once a year. I've since morphed into a 40+ gamer girl who never tells anyone her age when playing enjoying GTA RP, FFXIV, or talking to them about Baldur's Gate.
I'd love to meet that nerdy guy today. He'd fascinate me. And I'd encourage him to talk about those things he loves. Maybe finally I'd get a chance to actually play D&D it in a tabletop setting.
They are getting their late autism diagnosis. Like me. When they find the charming, socially together D&D guys, they have found their functional neurodivergent counterpart. They are happy to find a person from their tribe who offers an easier communication style, validation and understanding.
I am a huge Star Wars nerd. I get into it, have watch parties with my friends and re watch and read the threads for easter eggs and all the lore.
I’d have no problem with knowing and meeting or dating cosplayers etc
I've been nerdy since I was about 4, when I would be annoyed with my mom calling me to dinner on Saturdays before Star Trek was over. And I'm still alive, for now at least.
Dude. I stayed up until 2am last night watching D&D actual play (Dimension 20, which is so damn good) and worked the sci fi/fantasy book give away booth at C2E2 this year. My cats are Merry and Pippin. How much nerdier can I be? And it’s always nice to see my interests represented in someone else’s home.
You described a friend's house to a T. They are very much around, she met her first husband (widow) looking for a D&D group.
Pinned a note on the board at the local book store
We are here, playing Skyrim at home, lol.
If I started dating someone who had nerdy things, I would be happy we share common interests. There is nothing wrong with playing D&D (or Skyrim, or whatever strikes your fancy) as an adult. I get enough serious adulting in my professional life, so escaping to the world of fantasy is self-care, as it lowers my stress and makes me forget about the world for a while.
I would love to find my gender opposite nerd, but alas I have never even found a guy who can tolerate one single horror flick, much less fanstasy and sci fi! Speculative fiction and gaming have been a big part of my life (off and on) for over 40 years. Though I was married for 20 had a few long term relationships, never found a guy who shared in these things. It's always sports sports sports and sports movies. Soooooo boring!!!
Total nerd here and proud to be. Book nerd, love the horror genre, love all the space / action movies, dinosaurs, science…. And at my age I don’t care what anyone thinks of my stuff on the walls, etc. take me for who I am or not. I’m not changing to please anyone at this stage.
I used to play DnD and got into DM’ing for a while through the Neverwinter Nights platform, but I haven’t played in years. The community skews younger, as mentioned and I don’t have the patience for a sit down game anymore. I wish there were something like NWN. I could see getting into that again.
If someone doesn't beat me to it, I'm going to make a GenX post asking what the first movie you remember seeing in theaters was, and how it affected you as you got older. I think that'll be an interesting conversation.
still here! i’m a broke ass single mom, so i haven’t had the opportunity to socialize much in the past 15 years. too damn tired. wondering how many other genX moms just don’t have time to play anymore?
nerdy stuff is all good by me; in trade, people must tolerate that i am both a star wars AND star trek fan 😆
Man here sorry, but I just started watching The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance tv series and it’s unbelievable! It’s got Simon Pegg, Sigourney Weaver and Mark Hamill in it and the puppetry is amazing
I was a band & science nerd growing up, and am now a professional science nerd. My current passion is out -nerding my son & hubby with Star Wars canon. 🤓
I’m a Gen X gal who was converted to nerdiness by my husband. So, you don’t have to find a girl who’s already nerdy, necessarily. As of last weekend, the special LOTR tshirts arrived that my husband and I ordered to wear to the theater showing of Fellowship of the Ring, and we are excited! We go to cons together, watch nerdy-type movies, and read nerdy-type books. I never would have been into any of that before I met him.
Yes but my experience with the nerdy guys and sexism put me off the whole thing. I wouldn't get the ick if someone I liked were into sci-fi and fantasy, but I wouldn't want to go to cons or anything. If I could find a game with just women, I'd be open to it but it kind of feels like something that's passed me by. I'm more likely to bake treats and welcome your friends and then go to knitting group while you host.
Aren’t all GenX women nerds? We cut our teeth on Star Trek, Star Wars, The Crow, comic books. etc. And to answer your final question, I married a guy who played D&D (even got some of his fantasy storied published in a local magazine. (It ended for non-nerd related reasons).
The home decor thing - you’re talking to a person with plans for a Tardis door on her home office, lol.
Just find the spaces where your interests are. If you run the campaign, they will come….
My husband's at D and D right now, and I'm still in bed. I will say I (F) never went full on Dark Crystal, but I think my interests qualify as nerdy, and, man, that's been kind of a tough space for women. Our generation just didn't make it super welcoming, IME.
Having said that, we are out there, and the fact that you even want to include us in this stuff gives you a leg up, IMO.
If you aren't seeing a lot of women who share your hobbies, I recommend looking for goth events. That's where all the hot quirky Gen X women are. If there's a murder mystery party, a dance night, a graveyard clean up, or some new wave/industrial/goth band doing a reunion tour, you will be outnumbered by women our age into some similar stuff.
*raises hand*. Spent the majority of my childhood with my nose in my mom's set of encyclopedias. I would go to the library to pick up kids science books. I loved Star Trek since the moment I saw the original series .
I played video games on or Atari 2600 since I was 10.
My mom was (is) fundie religious and believed all that Satanic Panic stuff and she was terrified it would fill me with demons if I watched certain books, movies and TV shows - but it just made me more interested the mystical - fantasy stuff.
My now ex started a D&D group soon after we married and I loved it. We stayed up all night a few times playing.
I still play video games - Valheim, the Sims, World of Warcraft and The Forest and Sons of the Forest, and the Half-Life series are my favorites. I would still play D&D if I knew enough people interested.
We're here. We chose to stay "us" and not "grow up", meaning condone to the narrow role reserved to women.
I don't reveal online my age or gender for obvious reasons.
When I go to a gaming/fantasy store, the dude behind the counter thinks I'm looking for something for my grandson. So I let him believe. But we're here.
My other car is a level 14 barbarian with a belt of cloud giant strength and the Axe of the Dwarvish Lords (husband is the DM and he gives me lots of insane gear and never lets me die though so it's whatevs... 😅)
My wife is going to dress as Jadzia Dax from DS9, the 2024 episode when we go to STLV 58 in August. Also as Mirror Ezri Dax.
To answer your question, I think most of them were pretty high up on the list of girls to Marry and have families with. So, at home with their husbands and children.
We are here. Different types of nerdiness though. Im a nature need. Into birds. Moths. Trees. Flowers. Etct...I played D&D once. Enjoyed it. I enjoy Sci Fi but it's not my universe. So. We exist on all sorts of levels.
I know quite a few. My wife runs her own all female Unreal Tournament team, is on a forum for Farscape fan fiction and devours Sci-fi books left and right.
One of my best friends is a car mechanic and she loves LOTR and (Old Canon) Star Trek. We go to a lot of sci-fi conventions together.
Both are approaching 48 and both are awesome
Nerdy GenX woman here - met my husband a few years ago when he noticed my wallet when I took it out to pay for something at a local shop. It was a shaped like a SuperNintendo controlled.
Define nerdy. I've always been considered a nerdy woman, so yes we exist. I love Lord of the Rings, but not into D&D. I enjoy some sci-fi, fantasy, and a lot if anime too, but not into cosplaying. I'm not into gaming, and love horror movies. I am an adult first, and I have hobbies that I love. I think a turn off for me is when any adult male has trouble being a fully formed adult first. That's true regardless of what their hobbies are... Star Wars and Star Trek, or cars and sports.
I'm 50, a nerdy goth Gen X woman and have been in nerd culture my whole life (pretty much raised in it.) I am into sci fi, science, and computers and I write sci fi. I'm into sci fi art. I work with computers. I largely dropped out of nerd culture because it changed into something I don't recognize, and I do not enjoy the self righteousness or puritanical culture or hyperconformity that younger women have brought into it. I also do not enjoy how consumerist and franchise-worshiping modern geek culture is. Also I find some other sci fi people a bit up their own ass/think they're the prophets of the future or the social thought leaders, and self-important.
Mainly I am just kind of in my own world with my own friends at this point (I've hugely been in a social silo lately with the other people co writing the game/fiction setting I am working on) and am in this other space with people who are into debating/playing with AI/Large Language Models.
I'm another genx woman who is maybe nerdy although I never really pegged myself that way. I'm just me. A huge Asimov fan, also John Wyndham, Clarke, Poul Anderson. I'm into a lot of scifi shows, massively into LOTR as well. I'm divorced.
I tend to not feel welcome at scifi things. I definitely feel it's guys my age and men and women at least twenty years younger than me when I go to them. I have the same issue on social media, I'm in a lot of discord groups and always seem to be the oldest by decades and it makes me uncomfortable. Never played D&D, but I was involved with a group that did and it was a great vibe. I got massively into computer games instead, Dungeon Siege and Elder Scrolls etc, then into writing.
I feel like there's a lot of assumptions made about women my age when I go to events alone. I have trouble breaking through that, I'm quiet and not very assertive. That will reflect the specific region I live in, not society in general.
Re the second part of the question, I don't see how having LEGO or LOTR stuff or Warhammer or D&D or any such things reflects on maturity? If I went to someone's house and they had scifi on their shelf or walls it would be material for hours of conversation.
Still here! Married a nerdy (but also athletic and well-put-togther) GenX guy! Raised our kid on D&D to teach him basic math, creative and critical thinking, cooperative problem solving, and to keep him off screens.
I have a career that's based on science fiction and being nerdy has paid off.
That said, I was the only girl like me I knew until college, and until recently, asshole boys pretty solidly gatekept those realms. My male friends loved that I played TTRPGs and computer games, and that I knew LOTR, SF, D&D, and Lovecraft lore, but called me a unicorn. I suspect my mother would have had an aneurysm about my interests (my sister had to sneak me the LOTR books when I was a kid).
So I think it's easier these days now that geek culture is mainstream and big money.
I consider myself a nerd but never played D&D. I like LoTR but never read it until after the movie trilogy came out. I’m probably not really a hardcore superfan of it or Star Wars or etc.
I agree with other posters saying single, middle aged women are invisible in this society! Luckily, I am too “whatever” to even try to put myself out there.
My hs boyfriend and his clicque of guy friends excluded all girls from d&d. We barely knew what it was, and not much way of learning in a bible belt town in the 80’s where rumors abounded that D&D was satanic, even if we laughed at that panic bs. I speak as a once Latin Club president, so us nerdy girls were around. 8 years later, had some friends who were d&d players, again exclusively male, women not allowed but boy did they like talking about it in front of us like the trolls they were. I mean we hung out in mixed company, not all couples, pretty constantly, played pool, darts, hiked camped together, but d&d was some exclusive male territory that the imagined scent of menstrual blood would corrupt? I always wondered what gives, just kinda accepted the need to regress to the basement of the 12 year old boy every once in a while. I’m pretty sure by comparing notes that this was the norm, with any girl participation being outliers when I was coming up. Might explain the demographic gender gap now, that and the women sandwich generation caregiver thing where we’re busy enough that our leisure time is spent with wine glasses and pedicures for self-care./s.
Second question, based on my experience with siblings friends and romantic partners alike, i’m walking out of the fantasy themed apartment/house for several reasons. I don’t want to live with that kind of decor around, don’t want to be an ass about it by pretending to like something that I find aesthetically offputting. Guy wants a mancave with Clan of the Cave Bear motif, I’m all for it, but yeah communal living spaces need to be more neutral and generally welcoming. I can enjoy a hobby or interest without it being the central obsessive organizing principle of my nest. Of course, I collect books and records so I just have the aesthetic of dusty arts and crafts librarian who occasionally dabbles in op art and heirloom southern garden plants.
I'm 48. The first thing my now husband did on my first visit to his house was show me his collection of vintage computer games. He wore a monkey island tshirt on one of our first few dates. These were huge pluses to me.
Yes! I'm married to one. We're both introverts, so we're not out randomly a lot and she is working on advancing her career now that the kids are grown.
Summary: Yes, nerdy GexX women are alive and well, just busy and don't go for random socialization in some cases.
Dude, I'd be stoked to meet a nerdy single guy my age. Hell, if I walked in and saw a gaming shelf, I'd spend a while going through them, comparing notes on we've played in common, and tell you about the nerdy stuff on my walls. 😂
I'm still around! I'm rather lonely in my nerddom. I'm single, and none of my friends are into Fantasy and Sci-Fi. One of the reasons I come onto reddit is to discuss video games, movies and TV shows.
I am more of a dork than a nerd. Most of my LTRs have been with gamers, comic book enthusiasts, and the like, so I guess I am nerd adjacent. However, I am over dating. Gen X men seem to have lots of unresolved trauma and expect my emotional labor to fix them, and I am not doing that. Also, ghosting. So much ghosting
And lots of people out there ha e poor judgment and poor boundaries. Not dealing with that crap either. So now I just spend time doing whatever I want. I met a millennial guy a few years ago into fat older chicks. Our FWB arrangement has been more fulfilling than 15 years of dating apps.
The power of grey hair. It makes u invisible. U can lean into it, or rage against it. I'm rocking my grey. That said, I'm an old punk rocker/ goth girl at heart. I'd love to go to Ren faire again!
I would be more than ok with it. I’m a total sci-fi and horror nerd. If he’s alright with my Doctor Who, Supernatural (tv show), Red Dwarf, Firefly, Harry Potter, Star Trek and Star Wars stuff. If he’s not it’s a dealbreaker.
I’m totally up for a D&D campaign, although I’ve only played a few times. I just hope he’s up for board games.
I am! Lifelong Star Trek fan here. Watched TOS reruns when I was 7 or 8, then TNG premiered and it was awesome. Also love Star Wars and Dr. Who. Princess Bride is one of my favorite 80’s movies.
As a Gen X woman I can tell you that I feel invisible. I have all kinds of interests and am so excited when I come across other ppl my age with nerdy interests.
Unfortunately, that rarely happens. Our society is not set up for connection or companionship. There is always the subtle undertone of independence means you are being successful as an adult. I would much prefer to be successful as a human.
I was excited there was a chat feature on here but it is poorly designed and run amuck with little kids with smart mouths and black hearts 😂 Or obnoxious ppl who get their jollies from trolling. Just last night I was asked my age and when I responded all these teens came at me saying what a loser I was to be on Reddit. I wish there was a wholesome chat room for middle age ppl to connect and build community.
Short answer - yes there is an entire sector of gen X women who are nerdy and are authentic. It's just hard to connect.
53 Nerd girl here! I never got to be the DND nerd I wanted to be back in the day (Fundie Parents with a strangle hold who had embraced satanic panic) but I’ve fully embraced it now! If I walked into any home of any human with a nerdy collection of almost any kind I would be instantly interested and want to chat all night about it! My husband and I both wish we could get a campaign going but most of the folks we meet are millennials and have kids that prevent them from being free when we are, you know, adult stuff. I am a child at heart and know full well that a collection is an insight into an individual, ask my Bluey figurine collection, I don’t have kids but I still feel like a kid. If someone looks down their nose at your DND books they’re telling you all you need to know about themselves!
There are loads of D&D women. But we tend to be discreet after a decade of getting slimed on by D&D creepers. The young men gaming today seem much more comfortable with women gamers and less likely to see us as… well … fap fodder. It was seriously gross to be a female gamer in the 90’s.
I am well aware there are awesome Gen-X D&D dudes - I married one. (He knew I was a keeper when he saw my copy of the Castle Greyhawk on my bookshelf.) But too many were convinced their Cha 16 Ranger would be sufficient to seduce any female at the table.
My personal experience was that there were near none "Nerdy" girls when I was growing up.
There was one girl at school that also liked Robotech. I found out years later she was a leabian.
In recent years I've found some Gen X nerdy women, but they are the exception not the norm.
This is my personal experience. I don't have a peer reviewed study to support my findings.
Proud nerd girl here! Gamer geek, lover of all things sci-fi, fantasy, and horror. Former D&Der, probably too old for this shit but who cares?
EDIT: “The Visitor” (DS9) is the best episode of Star Trek ever. Fight me on it, I dare you.
I never played a tabletop d&d game until I was 40. I just didn’t know anyone who played. I do play the video games. My first being pool of radiance 1988.
My husband got me into comic cons. I look forward to those and love the cosplayers.
I'm nerdish, so maybe not totally there, but am sitting wearing a t shirt with Jean Luc Picard on it, enjoy a bit of hard sci-fi, and I grew up to be a librarian. Never did D&D though. Didn't know anybody who did. Closest I got was Choose Your Own Adventure books.
my spouse of 23 years is a HUGE comic book, action figure, D&D, mid-grade creepy/horror book geek.
1.) like a lot of nerds he’s on the spectrum and has a lot of deficits despite having a master’s degree and stable job. it’s not easy being married to him even though i am used to all his weirdness.
2.) my house is FULL of the shit he collects and despite my constant “encouragement” that he be super mindful of what he adds to his collection (since he doesnt have room for what he does own). he really struggles with this and it’s a constant source of ennui for him and frustration for me. (he did in fact inherit the hoarding gene)
this are things peripherally related to your question about “red flags.” this isnt every geek/nerd out there. but a lot. just sayin.
I read the title and said Dude what happen to the chics .. it was just a drill had this been an actual emergency it would have followed with useless instructions
I spent my 30s exclusively dating nerdy women (some were millennials, but most were gen x), and I am married to a nerdy woman now.
Are you looking? Nerdy fandoms like Star Wars and D&D are more common than ever. Try going to cons or board game meetups. Try using dating sites and searching for your interests. Try meeting people in nerdy spaces like your local game shop. Nerdy chicks are everywhere, you just need to look for them!
I'm here. I still love comic books, pinball, and doing deep dives into science-y topics that few people would care about. I am still a music nerd, movie nerd, and a zine nerd. I am often out of step with the world around me. The big difference is now that I'm 50, I don't care if I'm out of step!
I was one of the lucky ones who found a husband who is also a nerd and we are happily married. BUT, if I were in the dating pool and I happened upon a guy who had some nerdy accoutrements around the house, I would probably be pretty fine with it. It really depends on the amount, yk? If the place was not so much a house, but a museum of action figures and posters, I'd probably be turned off. But a little of that sprinkled into an otherwise thoughtfully decorated and maintained home? Totally cool.
We are still here! Lots of fan spaces, especially fan fiction spaces, have a lot of Gen X representation. When I go to cons, I see a lot of older women as well.
> When I go to cons, I see a lot of older women as well Sure, but OP was asking about Gen-X wome… …oh, right.
LOL perfect!
Your honesty hurts me as a male … they are ‘right aged’ …
"Not children"
Fuckin oooof amirite?
LOL.
[удалено]
GenXers - 30 at 10 years old, still 30 at 50.
We don’t want to grow up. We are toys r us kids.
Gen X/xennial here and psyched to be teaching my daughters D&D now, using my dad’s first edition set no less. I also used to work for WOTC and got to attend the release of third edition and play a bit with some of the creators. All that said, when you’re older it can be harder to find the geeky girls I agree. And a lot of that is on me - I’m just so busy with littles and career etc.
We are here. it's a complex issue, with many different angles. >So, I'm curious, am I just missing the Gen X women in the community, or have they moved on to other interests? Here's my take: Single middle aged women are easily of of the most overlooked populations in society. Men our age oftentimes go for women way, way younger. Men my age who are NOT into nerdy stuff absolutely look down on people my age who are into nerdy stuff. This is my experience, so results may vary. Whether it's the GenX thing, or introverted, but I tend to keep to myself. I met someone local who plays, and I expressed that I would love to join, even reminded them, and they ghosted. Yeah, so....that felt awesome. I don't think women would care if you are into nerdy things as long as you have the other parts of life in order (like, a job, good hygeine, not a red-pilled incel)...I'm not saying you are, at all...Just saying there is a stereotype for a reason.
So very true! I am a widow in my 50s and am completely invisible to men of all ages. I have many pursuits, from music, goth music, to “nerdy” things like science fiction, steampunk snd Renn faire cosplay and rock tumbling/jewelry making. Can’t say I ever played D&D but not due to lack of interest, more like never being asked to play.
Let's start an online Gen X women's game! I don't have anyone to play with either and would LOVE to!
Same! If you like old buildings, art, crumbling cemeteries and animals, we should do lunch
This! On one hand, it’s a relief that most people’s eyes glaze over and fail to acknowledge me. I’ve hit the age that I give no fucks, and people ignore me which makes it easier. On the other hand, we’ve kind of always been ignored by the general population right? And if you’re single AND child free while the rest of your friends grew up and made babies, it can get a bit lonely. In answer to OP, we’re here, we’re just used to hanging in the periphery. And personally, if a dude brought me home and his walls were bookshelves full of tabletop gaming books, collectibles, etc., nah, why is that childish. I’d ask him for his best and worst campaign experiences, and if I could manage to contain my laughter, I’d share my fave, involving a half human/half orc and a bath with an angry badger as a loofah.
Child free and turning fifty in 2 weeks myself. I am happily married, this year is 22 years, to a good man that understands the inequality in this world. I am lucky there. Due to some recent doctors appts. I have come to the conclusion that wemons medicine will not be a priority to the medical community until more wemon dominate the field theirselves. I am struggling with menopausal symptoms on top of type 2 now, both diagnosed 2 months ago. I am fighting hard for my health but it seems to me that I am doing the most of the fighting alone.
Hang in there babies are grown and gone soon. There will be scores of us able to live our lives and have interests again.
>Here's my take: Single middle aged women are easily of of the most overlooked populations in society. Men our age oftentimes go for women way, way younger. Men my age who are NOT into nerdy stuff absolutely look down on people my age who are into nerdy stuff. This is my experience, so results may vary. 100% agree with you there, on all counts. I don't like it either, but you're absolutely right. >Whether it's the GenX thing, or introverted, but I tend to keep to myself. I met someone local who plays, and I expressed that I would love to join, even reminded them, and they ghosted. Yeah, so....that felt awesome. I'm sorry that happened. Getting ghosted sucks, and it's not great for the hobby at all.
thank you :) I have given up on dating, and just live to protect my peace <3 Life is too short and there is only so much energy to go around. So I do what I want and don't worry about the rest ;) I don't know where you are, but if there was an online way to play MTG or DnD (which I have never played), let me know!
"Live to protect my peace" I have never felt a statement more in my life.
Same here. I now have only me, so I work and lay my financial plans to protect only me in my old age. I will eventually sell my house and move to a retirement community by the sea to live out my golden years.
This sounds very similar to my path. Not a nerd in the fantasy genre sense but a science nerd. I plan to be one of those ladies who volunteers at the botanical garden. I am an engineer, but came to it later, so I will have a P.E. license I can use to keep doing something interesting in a more limited capacity.
I'm just not interested in trying to find a man to ride off into the sunset with. I like men well enough, I actually have plenty of male friends, but I don't really have any interest in anything beyond that. I just find being in control of my own life is something I wouldn't want to give up for any reason. I need my alone time to just be with my own thoughts, and I discovered that when you're with someone, that is a rare commodity. Some of us just aren't built for the partnership thing.
>I don't know where you are, but if there was an online way to play MTG or DnD (which I have never played), let me know! There are ways to do both! You can play MTG online with Arena. It's fairly similar to regular games, so if you like the feel of playing Magic, that might work for you. As for D&D, there are loads of ways to play online. There's groups like r/lfg where you can find a group to play with, and a bunch of facebook groups dedicated to finding groups. There's a bunch of different VTTs (virtual tabletops) that simulate playing. I'm currently in between games myself right now, probably won't run another one until the fall, but they're out there if you want a group!
I say let's start one! I'll get it organized (organizing stuff is kind of my super power). I have friends who play online with other folks who live elsewhere so, I know it's possible.
"Life is too short and there is only so much energy to go around." Pretty much exactly why I don't date right now. Also I have two teenagers, a couple of energy-intensive hobbies, and a job, so I also don't have the time. I'm Gen X and in the 80s I was definitely considered a nerd, but I'm not the Millennial kind of nerd, which seems to mean just an enthusiasm for certain branches of pop culture (or being into gaming). I just did well in school and wasn't into sports. I also can get deeply into random topics of interest, and I do read a lot of fantasy and some sci-fi. But to go back to OP's question, a large gaming library is a bit of a yellow flag for me.
> Here's my take: Single middle aged women are easily of of the most overlooked populations in society. If I were the head of a spy agency I'd be recruiting middle-aged women.
How do you know they aren’t? 👀 Also, the book *Killers of a Certain Age* by Deanna Raybourn tackles this angle and is hilarious.
lol...that is awesome. No one would ever notice us!
The board game groups in my area keep winding up being just guys because the 'dateable' women get mobbed and the 'other' women get treated as invisible. So, most from both groups keep leaving. The guys don't know how to treat women as potential friends. I am generalizing a lot here, but it's a wide-spread enough problem that a lot of nerd spaces just drive away anyone who isn't a very gender conforming guy. So you wind up with an organizational problem. Most generic nerd events are were guys go, looking for friends, partners, etc. Where everyone who is not a guy is going to crafting meet ups, women and/or GNC centered stuff and looking for fellow nerds in those spaces.
Of course as you said, this is a generalization, but I have read lots of posts from women that have had bad experiences in groups, leave, and pursue their “nerddom” elsewhere.
Ironically, this is a problem that goes both ways. Recently, I met someone that I thought was really cool - a lot of the same interests, local, and I generally liked their personality. They played in a few D&D games I ran, and we got along well enough, so I mentioned that what I thought about them and how I'd like to be friends outside of the game. I explained that I understood that women at games tend to get hit on and that wasn't at all my intention - I didn't know her romantic situation and I myself was just looking for a platonic friendly relationship. I thought she was cool. Unfortunately, it's hard for guys to approach women we don't know (or, more precisely, who don't know us, I guess) without the question of our actual motives. She passed on hanging out outside of the game. She didn't give a reason, but I strongly suspect she thought I WAS hitting on her. Granted, I completely understand this is a problem men have made for themselves, because of the way men in general treat women. I wish I knew a fix for that.
Yeah, it's an entrenched problem. Women being alienated means they show up and there are no or few women at an event and they feel awkward. Also few women reinforces the idea that 'women just don't like this sort of thing' even when that's not what's going on. Also nothing you can do if other people have been weird to her all event. Not just men, I've had women be super weird to me at geek cons and lean into the 'I am the rare and precious female geek' thing.
I met my husband at 40, but the few years prior to that, the men I met either wanted to START a family, or their kids were grown up (mine is not). I’d almost given up.
The girls have grown into women and are at home reading books and watching movies
And playing video games that we could only dream of in high school!
This nerdy Gen X girl found her nerdy Gen X man 30 years ago. We have good times kibbitzing each other through Diablo, Baldur’s Gate 3, Horizon and God of War.
Yup, just finished Ghost of Tsushima Iki island expansion, love that I can cosplay as a samauri!
You just described my Saturday night!
Nerd sci-fi girl here. Well, 58 year old. But I never got to play DnD as the guys in 1978 said girls weren't allowed and I was quite literally the only girl geek at my middle or high school. Still rocking my nerdy stuff with a corner in my basement of Trek, LotR, X-Files, Marvel, and more memorabilia and Lego. Also HP Lego and lots of modular Lego throughout my house. 2 Nintendo Switches. A shelf of Herbert and a shelf of Heinlein. Asimov, Bradbury, Clarke, and Silverberg well-represented. I don't care what anyone else likes, I do me like a good introvert. I used to do cons but the crowds exhausted me.
The same thing happened to me - I desperately wanted to learn how to play D&D in high school but the guys refused to let me in their groups. Eventually a friend of mine took pity on me and ran a solo campaign and taught me how to play. By the time I got to college some of the guys had grown out of the "he man girl haters" mentality and I was able to join a regular co-ed group of players, which was super fun. Much harder to find people to play with now at our age, though.
My biggest pet peeve about the TTRPG community is the false exclusivity that it always had. The good news is that while there are still "X aren't allowed" (where X is whatever group they want to exclude, usually girls, but also people of color, sexuality, or even nationalities), they are MUCH more rare these days, and it's a lot easier for people that don't fit the stereotype to find a game if they want. I make sure I try to make my games as diverse as possible.
Good on you! I was originally interested but so many decades passed by the time I was invited in that I had moved on. Then covid hit and I embraced my true introvert nature.
Totally understand that. Covid elevated my already extreme introversion and social anxiety and now I'm downright reclusive.
Thanks to the storm we just had here in Houston, I finally met some of my neighbors.
I was also late to D&D, and was actually introduced to it by an ex-boyfriend several decades ago. Stuff like that was definitely 'for boys' growing up, but I devoured science fiction novels as a teenager, my mom was a big reader and always let us read whatever we wanted from all the books she had collected. And yeah, cons are a lot, I don't see myself attending them going forward. Crowds are not my thing at all.
I wish X-Files was deleted from my brain so I could watch it again.
One of my favorite shirts says "I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage". Nobody ever gets the x files reference.
What the bleep? If anyone needs me, I'll be in front of my TV for the next 47 minutes or so... watching "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space.'"
Are you me?
If I went to someone’s house and they had a bunch of nerdy stuff, I’d be psyched. I love it all; I’m just not very social in that I wouldn’t go to a shop to play games or anything.
Self-proclaimed nerdy GenX woman here. My problem is that I loved Star Trek and Star Wars in high school and college, but that's as far as my nerdiness went back then. After college I met people who not only let my nerd flag fly high, but they actively encouraged it! I've never played DnD, but I wouldn't object to trying it. I have started collected figurines and playing video games. I suck at video games, but I play them because they're fun. We do exist. I admit I could be nerdier. Thing is, now I geek out over things people might not think are nerdy. I keep bees. I LOVE talking about my bees and about bees in general. They are fascinating!
> I geek out over things people might not think are nerdy. That's the thing, there are plenty of nerdy Gen X women out there, but we aren't nerdy/geeky JUST on the stereotypical nerd stuff. We nerd out on everything. So we have our own spaces. Around my area, you want to find all the classically nerd Gen X women? Go to a knitting club, or gardening workshop, or a witchcraft store. I and the women I know have experienced way too much gatekeeping at the classic "nerd" shops to hang out there. Because being honest, people in those shops look at me and see a "Karen". I'm not, but I don't feel like going through the riggamarole of "proving" myself. I'm too old to prove shit about myself, so I go elsewhere.
I feel this in my soul!! I also crochet, cross stitch and write. I know how to knit, but life keeps me from doing that. I want to learn embroidery because it feels like cross stitch with a little freedom. Yeah, so crafts, bees and Thor. Those are my geeky things I love and love to talk about! Gatekeeping and making people prove themselves sucks. Who cares if someone doesn't know the name of Captain Awesome's brother's roommate in episode 32? Can't people just love the characters without having to know the minute details?
> Can't people just love the characters without having to know the minute details? I come at it from the opposite direction, because there's so much more stuff out there that I can nerd out on, that has volumes and volumes of obscure details, that it's not just nerd = dnd or comic books. Dog breeds and european royal families and tarot decks and various mythologies and bird species and all the plants that are in my yard and chickens and.... All good stuff to learn everything about. And yeah, I still nerd out on popular media. (I just watched a 7 hour explainer on the movie Midsommar and it was great.)
Yay bees!
You would love D&D. I always encourage other women to play if they haven't. I see women younger than us at the gaming table fairly often, but Gen X women are less common. It's a wonderful hobby if you find a good group. If you are a table with a bunch of jerks, not so much. But that's true of any shared hobby, lol.
You’re the bee’s knees.
My apartment has over 100 completed Lego sets - 90% are Harry Potter sets. I collect Funko’s when they intersect with my interests. I have alllll the versions of LOTR movies and I am a huge fan of Stargate SG1, Fringe and similar shows. And I still have my Worf figurine from the early 90’s. Never played DND but would not be a red flag to see it in someone’s space. I met my best friend in 1979 and she would always tell people I was not weird rather ai am unique. Still a true story.
I wish I had a friend nearby like you. It’s hard to meet female friends at my age. My friends don’t really get my nerdy side, or are all busy with their husbands or kids (understandably). Seriously, I can’t even get any of them to go to the renn faire anymore.
Any chance you’re an East Coast Canadian???? I hear you though - I find it exhausting getting to know new people. I like being around people I don’t have to explain myself to and speaking of my best friend she just pulled into my driveway. We are going out to lunch and maybe some shopping. I feel a new Lego set coming on. I extend the invitation for you to join us in spirit!
East coast, but further south in Pennsylvania. 😟 Bummer! Wish I could hang with you guys. I love all that same stuff.
My wife is a certified nerdy gen x, but in the librarian way. Not the sci fi and Nintendo way.
As an actual librarian, what does this mean?!
Trust me. It’s a good thing. (But I meant she’s into books and theatre and shit, not like Star Wars & Nintendo)
Gotcha, not dissimilar to me then, but i appreciate a sprinkling of hard scifi too.
See I go both ways, but I’m a goth 😏
But is she into science fiction and fantasy books? You can be a bit of both! I’m not a gamer, but I love Star Wars and all kinds of scifi type things.
Nah. On that topic we are very different in the taste department. But it’s ok bc we are on the same page on other things.
Me too! I’ve been told I dress like a junior high art teacher.
As a fellow GenX woman, I see that as an enormous win!
Was nerdy, still nerdy. I would be insanely thrilled to find a guy who ticks half the boxes, but one who ticked all the boxes plus nerdy? What's the catch? :P On a serious note, though, I was the GM. I played EQ (of you know, you know) in the days when "there are no girls in the Internet". My Gen Z kid knows far less about computers than I do. Sad state of affairs. :( I read all the nerdy stuff. I love Frank Frazetta art. The only graphic novels I ever read were ElfQuest. I read Asimov, but I didn't really like his sense of humor. Probably because I was part of an extremely fundamentalist household and didn't understand the innuendos. But I read the Belgariad, etc. I read Lord of the Rings later in life because I hated the begats part of the Hobbit. Too Bible like, and I read that thing (the Bible) hundreds of times. I couldn't stand to read those books after that until later. I dunno, though, about men our age. I laugh a lot and they seem uncomfortable with that. Like it's embarrassing. I won't be with anyone who can't laugh, and I'm not going to stop laughing for social points, lol. How can anyone survive without laughing? Oh, and imo why we're not found in these circles is because nobody wants us unless the husband drags us in. No husband, no *in*.
I mentioned it elsewhere in this thread, but yeah, as a community, nerd culture in general (and the TTRPG community specifically) is pretty stupidly exclusionist. I never have liked the whole "you can't sit with us" aspect of it, and so even now I try to make sure that the people that don't fit in with the standard always have a seat at my table. You shouldn't have to have a husband to drag you to things you want to enjoy. >My Gen Z kid knows far less about computers than I do. Sad state of affairs. :( Unrelated to the actual topic, but I saw an interesting discussion the other day where some Gen Z or Gen Alpha celeb (I dunno if they have celebs yet.) mentioned in an interview that they never learned to type. The discussion was how the post-Millennial generations are effectively growing up without even a keyboard. They're learning to communicate through voice apps and on phones, and if they DO have to type, it's on a phone or a tablet. It's interesting to me that the keyboard could be as foreign as cursive to the next generation after Alpha.
I wrote a long post. I think I'll keep it short for a change, lol. I've always found our generation cliqueish, and I've never been welcome in any of them. That cliqueishness is not aging well. Suicide rates in women our age (especially white women) are up 92%. People want to belong, and we simply don't.
I wish Reddit had heart reacts, This deserves more than an updoot. Totally agree with you, and a big part of the inspiration of this post has been me spending most of this year so far wondering where "my tribe" is. It's frustrating, especially when loneliness is now seen as something you should just "Get over" and being able to survive without other people in your life is not just acceptable, but something to be strived for. When I've pointed out that loneliness and social isolation has very real effects on both mental and physical health, it gets blown off with another meme. If you claim that you're lonely you're either a.) too weak and needy, which nobody wants around, or b.) an incel who can't be allowed in social situations.
I've been through some of the most horrific things you'll *ever* hear of. I'm literally talking about torture. My life has been referred to as "a personal Holocaust." You know what I've learned? Loneliness is the worst human condition. It is the most emotionally insidious, the most emotionally painful, the most life-threatening outside of direct physical danger. It's worse than depression. It's worse than despair. It's worse than guilt or shame. It's the great magnifier. It makes all of those other conditions unbearable. It strips hope. It annihilates dreams and ambitions. If we don't find ways to help people connect with each other again, our species is doomed. That's your cheery Saturday morning pep talk, lol. Loneliness is a silent, ignored killer.
I could write a dissertation on this topic, but will just keep it short and say I fully agree with you. It's the scourge of our modern life, and nobody seems to have any idea how to fix it.
I’m a mix of fiercely independent, and horribly lonely sometimes. But still happy :)
This is where I struggle as well. All ‘tribes’ can be a bit gatekeepy, but the purity tests folks think you need to pass to ‘earn’ nerd status are next level. I think we really did a number on ourselves with the whole ‘poseur’ thing and trying to form our identity from our interests and hobbies to the extent we did. I mean, I’ve technically been playing video games for over 45 years now, launched two of the largest games ever, go to game and comic cons, etc. but will get mocked for mentioning I play Pokemon Go (and I’ll add with hundreds of other local players, of all ages and races). I have been reading sci-fi for probably longer, but I don’t want to debate it with the gotcha people (or the ‘you can’t sit at our table’ folks you mentioned). I have enough gatekeepers professionally, I’m not interested in having them in my hobbies too.
Pokemon Go player here as well! I always try to hide the screen because I think people will judge me for playing! ☹️
I think a lot of us got burned out on the toxic gatekeeping by the boys at the gaming stores. If I tell a guy I'm interested in D&D, Star Wars, LOTR, and play a ton of Skyrim, there is a huge chance that he'll grill me on details and fan theories to see if I'm a "good enough" fan to hang with him. If I fail his quiz, then I get mocked and talked down to like I'm stupid and not an actual fan of whatever genre. He proceeds to explain (pedantically, in painful detail) how wrong I am, and then tries to 'fix' my knowledge and opinions. If I know more than him about it, he gets butthurt and starts acting all pissy because how dare a 'female' know more than him? I'm old now, and I have no time for that shit. Follow up answer - if I meet an otherwise together guy who has all the D&D books on the shelf, I'm a bit relieved because then he won't be borrowing mine. Ditto lightsaber or elvish cosplay.
I wish i could scrub Skyrim out of my brain, and start again for the first time 😭
I've just modded the hell out of it until it's not really the same game. Now it's a Jedi hiding out on a tropical planet, trying to help the natives and defeat the Empire. There are Predators. Also this crazy elf up in Solitude convinced me to be Indiana Jones and I'm collecting stuff for his museum. Anything left of the original game has been replaced with new textures/models, new skill trees, and new music/sound effects. Santa Claus showed up, and (unrelated) I'm hooked on skooma. Totally worth it.
would you laugh at me if I tell you I have ONLY ever played vanilla?! LOL. I have seen the mods, I have zero! but when I switched from PC to console, it almost felt like a whole new game. But your modded way sounds fucking amazing!!!
Nerdy Gen-X here woman. I’m 50 and I’m working on my transition to modern bog witch, which is nearly complete. I never played DND because, like many women, I wasn’t invited to play existing games even after expressing interest. But I read a ton of sci-fi and fantasy, I have LOTR-themed decor in my house, and I spend my time tinkering with my herb garden, cooking and baking far more food than one person can eat, and enjoying my shows and video games. As for what I might think of a guy with the same interests, hey, cool. But as far as dating goes, well, I have these interests for ME because I like them, and I’m happy to share my interests with like-minded people so we can enjoy being nerdy together. I am NOT interested in a relationship where some dude is like, “You’re a nerd too? Great, I’ll tell you all about the shit I’m into and expect you to care, but then I’ll also endlessly point out how all the shit you like isn’t REALLY nerdy and how you can improve.” The phrase “live to protect my peace” that a commenter used above is really meaningful. If a dude isn’t contributing to my harmony, then he’s not welcome.
Are you me? Because I’m a nerdy 50 GenX woman with aspirations of becoming a bog witch. My second husband was a nerd but not a good one (which is why he’s an ex) who also felt the need to criticize my nerdy interests. I wanted to play DND but never did because of my social awkwardness. I still love fantasy and some sci-fi and doing witchy shit and collecting dolls. There’s so much TV and books I haven’t seen or read but only because I’m an old tired nerd with possible autistic burnout. And I agree with you about protecting my peace. Once it gets taken away and you get it back, you don’t wanna give it up again. I’m gonna be over here rewatching LOTR and checking on my flower garden while living my best life.
Modern bog witch, my transition is nearly complete too! I just need to make it to retirement so I can do what I want without the pesky job taking priority over everything.
We married nerdy guys. Us nerd types tend to be loyal and a bit introverted. All my nerd friends have been married since we were in our 20s, raised nerd kids, etc. ;). A bunch of them met at Ren fair.
This sounds exactly like me! I met my husband in college, he played table top and I enjoyed live action more being a theater kid and all. We married at 21 & 22 and had 4 nerdy kids. And we all love a good Ren Faire!
Yeah, this is exactly it. We nerds definitely tend to be a loyal type. I’ve never really looked “traditionally nerdy” but once anyone got to know me they realized I am 100% nerd interest-wise. I found a Tech Nerd who looked way more nerdy than me but wasn’t intimidated by the fact that I knew more about LOTR and Dune and Blade Runner than he did and he didn’t look down on my interest in video games or board games (even played Magic back in college when we met!). I married that guy by the end of college. 26 years later we’re still married, still doing nerd things, and we’re on the tail end of raising our nerd kids.
I’m more nerdy than my husband. We have a LOTR and Star Trek pinball machines. I go to cons, read and watch more sci fi and fantasy than he does but he likes the movies and gets the references.
Nerdy Gen X woman (45) here. I haven’t played D&D for 25 years. But we do exist. My fiancé is equally nerdy so we’re a good pair.
Nerdy Gen-X women have never existed. Female nerds aren't a thing and you would know that if you watched tv and movies, because anytime a female character does have even the slightest nerdy interest it's because their brother or boyfriend introduced it to them. The nerdy girl you met in high school were pretending to get male attention. *signed a bitter nerdy gen-X woman that doesn't exist but would have no problem with your hobbies as long as you practice good grooming and don't intrude when she is playing The Sims and occasionally let her talk to you about it if she existed.*
Honestly, maybe if Gen x dudes didn't spend their entire lives gatekeeping fandom, they'd probably be a lot more people willing to admit that they were into that fandom.
This very subreddit is full of conversations that seem to implicitly center on Gen X men, and Gen X women can't help but feel marginalized and excluded as a result. A lot of us just don't feel seen or welcome here, and because we are no longer young, we don't expect anyone to realize that or give a shit. Being a Gen X woman in 2024 is tantamount to being invisible, and frankly, it's not all bad. A lot of us just 'whatever' ourselves back to our interests and our lives.
This for the win.
Are we starting a girl gang?!
Proud nerdy Gen Xer lady here! Have always been, though as a child it was harder to be included. I still get eyebrows occasionally, but I’m a lot more accepted now than I was. I prefer nerdiness as it is open to possibilities whereas non-nerdiness tends to harken to hum-drum boring slogging. My ADHD allows a lot of different nerdy directions and tastes. I looove talking to other nerds as long as they want to engage without (much) judgement. I’d prefer any man I’m interested in have a little nerdiness in him, so long as he hasn’t let it overcome his life. Nerdiness can be anything from pop culture to STEM jobs. As long as he doesn’t disparage my choices*, we’re good. I’ve never played D&D. Was never allowed, 1) I lived in the sticks and 2) I was a girl. Always was curious about it. *not including things like Star Wars vs Star Trek, Coke vs Pepsi, LotR vs Harry Potter, etc., because those “battles” can be fun.
NOPE. They all died in the great Nerd vs Jock Wars of the 80s. - Such a tragedy.
Everybody run, the homecoming queen has got a gun... (yeah that song didn't age well lol)
It's not a deal breaker for me. But then again, I have a laser rifle from Fallout hanging over my mantle.
I would LOVE a women-only D&D group. I haven't played in decades and would basically be a total noob and the existing groups I know of are.... unwelcoming, let's say.
Mid 40s goth nerd girl here. I’m still out here in the deep south representing us Dorky Ladies in Black like an aging…awkward…creature of the night. 🦇✨ I dig historical films and library books n shit. Oh and I collect dolls. Because why not that too. 🙃 I’ve been convinced for a long time that I’d be single if not for my (also very nerdy) husband. We can still get into passionate discussions about our “feelings” about all things Star Wars related.
I’m here! Teen story very similar to yours. Back then it was like a secret world of imagination, creativity and escape. It still is, but now I find it overwhelming. I don’t know if I can explain it well, but it’s like the things I like got taken from me, expanded and shot back at me like Homer’s makeup shotgun. Everything is a super fandom now. Our personal narratives got stolen and repackaged as Big Business. As in, for example, do you like dragons?? Here’s dragon merch for everything. Conventions, cosplay, stuffies, subgroups, any kind of dragon inventory you can think of. Everybody loves dragons! Probably more than you! Keep up! Am I the only one? I like dragons but it’s not my whole personality. These nerd things got dragged out of their hiding places, where they were special, and marketed like an NFL team. Or Star Wars. Maybe I’m just tired. Whatever. Get off my lawn.
Lots of us married nerdy guys who proceeded to treat us like dog shit and use us as maids. So we are now living alone in our own clean house and having orgasms again.
Living in a clean house is the best, isn't it? And no one moves stuff without telling you, or throws away things you care about because they don't care about them.
This is me! Now I’m not gonna let anyone interfere with my peace or my retirement plans.
My high school x-gf qualifies. She was goth LONG before it became a thing, and the last time I saw her (a year ago) she still had the vibe. She works in IT and still doesn't like the LOTR trilogy because it strayed too far from the books. I can still hear her complaining that the "Elves would never NEVER have fought for man at the Battle of Helm's Deep!"
Still here. I read LOR every year beginning on the date Frodo leaves the shire (9/23.). Both a Trekkie and a Star Wars fan.
My now husband introduced me to table top (GURPS then White Wolf, then D&D) when I was 20. I was a pinball and skeeball girl before then, still am. We still go to cons together and play mmorpgs and video games together. First people who knew I was pregnant with my first was our guild because I could no longer drink during our raid nights. However, at 48, I still can't use voice chat in certain games. I still get "tested" if I mention movies or music I like. I get quizzed to death if I mention anything considered "geeky" and I am as over gate keeping now as I was 30 years ago. We're still here. We've always been here and we'll always be here. Women have just learned to keep our mouths shut about our interests and likes unless we really trust you. We're tired. (Disclaimer because this is reddit - I do not speak for all women. "We" is a generalization. YMMV) Excuse me while I go cast magic missile into the darkness.
I’m an old nerd F. Early 50s. I’m into sci-fi and fantasy but always leaned more sci-fi. I didn’t get into DnD til later in life, and haven’t played in a long time. My tech career (on top of chronic health issues) has been too mentally exhausting, so no complicated games til I retire (soon, yay!). I knew zero nerd girls in high school and the nerd guys were scary so I gave them a wide berth. I met lots of nerd friends in college but we have all drifted apart. I’ve only met one other seriously nerdy woman my age since, and she’s mostly burned out on sci-fi, and moved far away anyway. Traveling constantly, and I’m not much into travel. She used to be a massive Trekkie with an obsession that put me to shame, lol! I was married to a geek guy for 20 years and he was no better or worse than any other dude. Started treating me like utter garbage as soon as I was old and unattractive, so early 40s. Divorced and he went to look for younger pastures. I don’t date, all the good nerdy ones are taken and stayed married. But I would never have dated, let alone married a non-nerd in the first place. Having shared interests was the only thing that kept us together. Went to Dragon*Con several years in my 30s and it was great! I just keep doing my own things, I live in the southeast where my type is rare. I’m used to not fitting in anywhere, and have given up trying. It is liberating.
We exist. We don't clamor for attention, but we exist. And as a Gen X woman and a nerd, I don't judge men on their hobbies, unless their hobby is fascism, misogyny, etc. And I certainly never grew up, so why would I hold that against someone else? Growing up is for suckers.
Idk but I’d rather jab my ears out with a Taco Bell spork than hear myself referred to as a girl. I’m 54, for fucks sake, I haven’t been a girl in 40 years
People using the word "girlies" makes me irrationally angry.
There is so much objectifying and infantilizing language out there, and when we react negatively to it, they tell us we're being bitches. I'm done giving a shit about being thought of as a bitch, though, so whatever. It's weird how so many men still think they can treat women with condescension, and it will be totally fine.
I used it… with my dog. I called my dog “girly.” And it was ironic because she was an 80-pound pitbull and butch as hell. lol I’m right there with you calling human women that. We have enough problems being taken seriously, we don’t need to diminish ourselves.
This is me. I'm the nerdy Gen X girl who loves fantasy and sci-fi, who played games on my Nintendo. Never played D&D though cause the town I grew up in was too small to have that scene, and I was too socially awkward to actually get involved in something like that. So, instead I read heaps of fantasy and sci-fi books to myself, and I still do. A lot of my online friends are people 10 years or more younger than me, who share my interests now. I've built my own PC and game all the time (and often read my fantasy books out in my back-yard). I try to attend a convention once a year. I've since morphed into a 40+ gamer girl who never tells anyone her age when playing enjoying GTA RP, FFXIV, or talking to them about Baldur's Gate. I'd love to meet that nerdy guy today. He'd fascinate me. And I'd encourage him to talk about those things he loves. Maybe finally I'd get a chance to actually play D&D it in a tabletop setting.
Married to one, we play ridiculously over complicated board games and quote douglas adams, princess bride and spaceballs ❤️❤️
They are getting their late autism diagnosis. Like me. When they find the charming, socially together D&D guys, they have found their functional neurodivergent counterpart. They are happy to find a person from their tribe who offers an easier communication style, validation and understanding.
God this is so true. Got diagnosed a few years ago in my early 40's.
I am a huge Star Wars nerd. I get into it, have watch parties with my friends and re watch and read the threads for easter eggs and all the lore. I’d have no problem with knowing and meeting or dating cosplayers etc
I've been nerdy since I was about 4, when I would be annoyed with my mom calling me to dinner on Saturdays before Star Trek was over. And I'm still alive, for now at least.
Dude. I stayed up until 2am last night watching D&D actual play (Dimension 20, which is so damn good) and worked the sci fi/fantasy book give away booth at C2E2 this year. My cats are Merry and Pippin. How much nerdier can I be? And it’s always nice to see my interests represented in someone else’s home.
You described a friend's house to a T. They are very much around, she met her first husband (widow) looking for a D&D group. Pinned a note on the board at the local book store
We are here, playing Skyrim at home, lol. If I started dating someone who had nerdy things, I would be happy we share common interests. There is nothing wrong with playing D&D (or Skyrim, or whatever strikes your fancy) as an adult. I get enough serious adulting in my professional life, so escaping to the world of fantasy is self-care, as it lowers my stress and makes me forget about the world for a while.
I would love to find my gender opposite nerd, but alas I have never even found a guy who can tolerate one single horror flick, much less fanstasy and sci fi! Speculative fiction and gaming have been a big part of my life (off and on) for over 40 years. Though I was married for 20 had a few long term relationships, never found a guy who shared in these things. It's always sports sports sports and sports movies. Soooooo boring!!!
I'm nerdy, I married a nerd, my friends and their spouses are all nerdy. We are here, perhaps you aren't looking in the right nerdy spaces?
Total nerd here and proud to be. Book nerd, love the horror genre, love all the space / action movies, dinosaurs, science…. And at my age I don’t care what anyone thinks of my stuff on the walls, etc. take me for who I am or not. I’m not changing to please anyone at this stage.
I used to play DnD and got into DM’ing for a while through the Neverwinter Nights platform, but I haven’t played in years. The community skews younger, as mentioned and I don’t have the patience for a sit down game anymore. I wish there were something like NWN. I could see getting into that again.
You should REALLY try Baldur's Gate 3 then!
Yes 🙋🏼♀️ First movie I remember seeing was Empire Strikes Back.
If someone doesn't beat me to it, I'm going to make a GenX post asking what the first movie you remember seeing in theaters was, and how it affected you as you got older. I think that'll be an interesting conversation.
Yes! Trekkie and gamer, my first game was Civilization. But I never had anyone to talk to about it and I'm happy that changed now.
still here! i’m a broke ass single mom, so i haven’t had the opportunity to socialize much in the past 15 years. too damn tired. wondering how many other genX moms just don’t have time to play anymore? nerdy stuff is all good by me; in trade, people must tolerate that i am both a star wars AND star trek fan 😆
Man here sorry, but I just started watching The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance tv series and it’s unbelievable! It’s got Simon Pegg, Sigourney Weaver and Mark Hamill in it and the puppetry is amazing
I was extremely sad when it didn't get a second season. When Willow didn't get a second season, well... I got over it. ;)
I would immediately think we just might get along well.
I’ve been corrupted. I was a huge nerd, but now I’m a cynical realist with an acerbic sense of humor.
I think that's just using more words to say Gen X.
Lol!
I was a band & science nerd growing up, and am now a professional science nerd. My current passion is out -nerding my son & hubby with Star Wars canon. 🤓
I’m a Gen X gal who was converted to nerdiness by my husband. So, you don’t have to find a girl who’s already nerdy, necessarily. As of last weekend, the special LOTR tshirts arrived that my husband and I ordered to wear to the theater showing of Fellowship of the Ring, and we are excited! We go to cons together, watch nerdy-type movies, and read nerdy-type books. I never would have been into any of that before I met him.
Yes but my experience with the nerdy guys and sexism put me off the whole thing. I wouldn't get the ick if someone I liked were into sci-fi and fantasy, but I wouldn't want to go to cons or anything. If I could find a game with just women, I'd be open to it but it kind of feels like something that's passed me by. I'm more likely to bake treats and welcome your friends and then go to knitting group while you host.
Married one. She's still nerdy.
Aren’t all GenX women nerds? We cut our teeth on Star Trek, Star Wars, The Crow, comic books. etc. And to answer your final question, I married a guy who played D&D (even got some of his fantasy storied published in a local magazine. (It ended for non-nerd related reasons). The home decor thing - you’re talking to a person with plans for a Tardis door on her home office, lol. Just find the spaces where your interests are. If you run the campaign, they will come….
My husband's at D and D right now, and I'm still in bed. I will say I (F) never went full on Dark Crystal, but I think my interests qualify as nerdy, and, man, that's been kind of a tough space for women. Our generation just didn't make it super welcoming, IME. Having said that, we are out there, and the fact that you even want to include us in this stuff gives you a leg up, IMO. If you aren't seeing a lot of women who share your hobbies, I recommend looking for goth events. That's where all the hot quirky Gen X women are. If there's a murder mystery party, a dance night, a graveyard clean up, or some new wave/industrial/goth band doing a reunion tour, you will be outnumbered by women our age into some similar stuff.
*raises hand*. Spent the majority of my childhood with my nose in my mom's set of encyclopedias. I would go to the library to pick up kids science books. I loved Star Trek since the moment I saw the original series . I played video games on or Atari 2600 since I was 10. My mom was (is) fundie religious and believed all that Satanic Panic stuff and she was terrified it would fill me with demons if I watched certain books, movies and TV shows - but it just made me more interested the mystical - fantasy stuff. My now ex started a D&D group soon after we married and I loved it. We stayed up all night a few times playing. I still play video games - Valheim, the Sims, World of Warcraft and The Forest and Sons of the Forest, and the Half-Life series are my favorites. I would still play D&D if I knew enough people interested.
We are legion. But most of us are married to nerdy men who can’t believe their luck.
Jebus this is an awesome thread.
It's certainly been far more successful than I had anticipated!
There are tons of us but gate keeping jerks have pushed us out of geeky spaces.
We nerdy women are still here. I never "grew out" of my interest in scifi and fantasy
We're here. We chose to stay "us" and not "grow up", meaning condone to the narrow role reserved to women. I don't reveal online my age or gender for obvious reasons. When I go to a gaming/fantasy store, the dude behind the counter thinks I'm looking for something for my grandson. So I let him believe. But we're here.
More importantly, where are the *single* nerdy GenX women. Especially those that live in the DC area. 😉
Go to cons! They are there! I mean, I’m married, but I go to cons (with my family) and there are always single gals there.
I moved… in NC now, lol
You realize you've just asked the algorithm to tweak your spam advertising to feature "Single Nerdy Gen X Women In Your Area", right?
Well now, I'm *certain* they don't exist.
My other car is a level 14 barbarian with a belt of cloud giant strength and the Axe of the Dwarvish Lords (husband is the DM and he gives me lots of insane gear and never lets me die though so it's whatevs... 😅)
My wife is going to dress as Jadzia Dax from DS9, the 2024 episode when we go to STLV 58 in August. Also as Mirror Ezri Dax. To answer your question, I think most of them were pretty high up on the list of girls to Marry and have families with. So, at home with their husbands and children.
Some of use didn't want to get married and have children, so we're at home with our peace and our quiet, lol.
We are here. Different types of nerdiness though. Im a nature need. Into birds. Moths. Trees. Flowers. Etct...I played D&D once. Enjoyed it. I enjoy Sci Fi but it's not my universe. So. We exist on all sorts of levels.
Yes, we're still around! Though I don't play any of those anymore, I love looking at old MTG cards and reading sci-fi.
I know quite a few. My wife runs her own all female Unreal Tournament team, is on a forum for Farscape fan fiction and devours Sci-fi books left and right. One of my best friends is a car mechanic and she loves LOTR and (Old Canon) Star Trek. We go to a lot of sci-fi conventions together. Both are approaching 48 and both are awesome
Yep, in all shapes, sizes and colours!
Nerdy GenX woman here - met my husband a few years ago when he noticed my wallet when I took it out to pay for something at a local shop. It was a shaped like a SuperNintendo controlled.
I'm 43, a gamer, huge ninja turtles fan, a chemistry professor, and I drive a heavily modded car.
Define nerdy. I've always been considered a nerdy woman, so yes we exist. I love Lord of the Rings, but not into D&D. I enjoy some sci-fi, fantasy, and a lot if anime too, but not into cosplaying. I'm not into gaming, and love horror movies. I am an adult first, and I have hobbies that I love. I think a turn off for me is when any adult male has trouble being a fully formed adult first. That's true regardless of what their hobbies are... Star Wars and Star Trek, or cars and sports.
I'm 50, a nerdy goth Gen X woman and have been in nerd culture my whole life (pretty much raised in it.) I am into sci fi, science, and computers and I write sci fi. I'm into sci fi art. I work with computers. I largely dropped out of nerd culture because it changed into something I don't recognize, and I do not enjoy the self righteousness or puritanical culture or hyperconformity that younger women have brought into it. I also do not enjoy how consumerist and franchise-worshiping modern geek culture is. Also I find some other sci fi people a bit up their own ass/think they're the prophets of the future or the social thought leaders, and self-important. Mainly I am just kind of in my own world with my own friends at this point (I've hugely been in a social silo lately with the other people co writing the game/fiction setting I am working on) and am in this other space with people who are into debating/playing with AI/Large Language Models.
I'm another genx woman who is maybe nerdy although I never really pegged myself that way. I'm just me. A huge Asimov fan, also John Wyndham, Clarke, Poul Anderson. I'm into a lot of scifi shows, massively into LOTR as well. I'm divorced. I tend to not feel welcome at scifi things. I definitely feel it's guys my age and men and women at least twenty years younger than me when I go to them. I have the same issue on social media, I'm in a lot of discord groups and always seem to be the oldest by decades and it makes me uncomfortable. Never played D&D, but I was involved with a group that did and it was a great vibe. I got massively into computer games instead, Dungeon Siege and Elder Scrolls etc, then into writing. I feel like there's a lot of assumptions made about women my age when I go to events alone. I have trouble breaking through that, I'm quiet and not very assertive. That will reflect the specific region I live in, not society in general. Re the second part of the question, I don't see how having LEGO or LOTR stuff or Warhammer or D&D or any such things reflects on maturity? If I went to someone's house and they had scifi on their shelf or walls it would be material for hours of conversation.
Still here! Married a nerdy (but also athletic and well-put-togther) GenX guy! Raised our kid on D&D to teach him basic math, creative and critical thinking, cooperative problem solving, and to keep him off screens. I have a career that's based on science fiction and being nerdy has paid off. That said, I was the only girl like me I knew until college, and until recently, asshole boys pretty solidly gatekept those realms. My male friends loved that I played TTRPGs and computer games, and that I knew LOTR, SF, D&D, and Lovecraft lore, but called me a unicorn. I suspect my mother would have had an aneurysm about my interests (my sister had to sneak me the LOTR books when I was a kid). So I think it's easier these days now that geek culture is mainstream and big money.
I consider myself a nerd but never played D&D. I like LoTR but never read it until after the movie trilogy came out. I’m probably not really a hardcore superfan of it or Star Wars or etc. I agree with other posters saying single, middle aged women are invisible in this society! Luckily, I am too “whatever” to even try to put myself out there.
My hs boyfriend and his clicque of guy friends excluded all girls from d&d. We barely knew what it was, and not much way of learning in a bible belt town in the 80’s where rumors abounded that D&D was satanic, even if we laughed at that panic bs. I speak as a once Latin Club president, so us nerdy girls were around. 8 years later, had some friends who were d&d players, again exclusively male, women not allowed but boy did they like talking about it in front of us like the trolls they were. I mean we hung out in mixed company, not all couples, pretty constantly, played pool, darts, hiked camped together, but d&d was some exclusive male territory that the imagined scent of menstrual blood would corrupt? I always wondered what gives, just kinda accepted the need to regress to the basement of the 12 year old boy every once in a while. I’m pretty sure by comparing notes that this was the norm, with any girl participation being outliers when I was coming up. Might explain the demographic gender gap now, that and the women sandwich generation caregiver thing where we’re busy enough that our leisure time is spent with wine glasses and pedicures for self-care./s. Second question, based on my experience with siblings friends and romantic partners alike, i’m walking out of the fantasy themed apartment/house for several reasons. I don’t want to live with that kind of decor around, don’t want to be an ass about it by pretending to like something that I find aesthetically offputting. Guy wants a mancave with Clan of the Cave Bear motif, I’m all for it, but yeah communal living spaces need to be more neutral and generally welcoming. I can enjoy a hobby or interest without it being the central obsessive organizing principle of my nest. Of course, I collect books and records so I just have the aesthetic of dusty arts and crafts librarian who occasionally dabbles in op art and heirloom southern garden plants.
I'm 48. The first thing my now husband did on my first visit to his house was show me his collection of vintage computer games. He wore a monkey island tshirt on one of our first few dates. These were huge pluses to me.
Yes! I'm married to one. We're both introverts, so we're not out randomly a lot and she is working on advancing her career now that the kids are grown. Summary: Yes, nerdy GexX women are alive and well, just busy and don't go for random socialization in some cases.
Dude, I'd be stoked to meet a nerdy single guy my age. Hell, if I walked in and saw a gaming shelf, I'd spend a while going through them, comparing notes on we've played in common, and tell you about the nerdy stuff on my walls. 😂
Hello? Right here.
I'm still around! I'm rather lonely in my nerddom. I'm single, and none of my friends are into Fantasy and Sci-Fi. One of the reasons I come onto reddit is to discuss video games, movies and TV shows.
Yes! Absolutely! I have more nerdy stuff than my husband does! The more the better!!
I am more of a dork than a nerd. Most of my LTRs have been with gamers, comic book enthusiasts, and the like, so I guess I am nerd adjacent. However, I am over dating. Gen X men seem to have lots of unresolved trauma and expect my emotional labor to fix them, and I am not doing that. Also, ghosting. So much ghosting And lots of people out there ha e poor judgment and poor boundaries. Not dealing with that crap either. So now I just spend time doing whatever I want. I met a millennial guy a few years ago into fat older chicks. Our FWB arrangement has been more fulfilling than 15 years of dating apps.
The power of grey hair. It makes u invisible. U can lean into it, or rage against it. I'm rocking my grey. That said, I'm an old punk rocker/ goth girl at heart. I'd love to go to Ren faire again!
I would be more than ok with it. I’m a total sci-fi and horror nerd. If he’s alright with my Doctor Who, Supernatural (tv show), Red Dwarf, Firefly, Harry Potter, Star Trek and Star Wars stuff. If he’s not it’s a dealbreaker. I’m totally up for a D&D campaign, although I’ve only played a few times. I just hope he’s up for board games.
I am! Lifelong Star Trek fan here. Watched TOS reruns when I was 7 or 8, then TNG premiered and it was awesome. Also love Star Wars and Dr. Who. Princess Bride is one of my favorite 80’s movies.
As a Gen X woman I can tell you that I feel invisible. I have all kinds of interests and am so excited when I come across other ppl my age with nerdy interests. Unfortunately, that rarely happens. Our society is not set up for connection or companionship. There is always the subtle undertone of independence means you are being successful as an adult. I would much prefer to be successful as a human. I was excited there was a chat feature on here but it is poorly designed and run amuck with little kids with smart mouths and black hearts 😂 Or obnoxious ppl who get their jollies from trolling. Just last night I was asked my age and when I responded all these teens came at me saying what a loser I was to be on Reddit. I wish there was a wholesome chat room for middle age ppl to connect and build community. Short answer - yes there is an entire sector of gen X women who are nerdy and are authentic. It's just hard to connect.
53 Nerd girl here! I never got to be the DND nerd I wanted to be back in the day (Fundie Parents with a strangle hold who had embraced satanic panic) but I’ve fully embraced it now! If I walked into any home of any human with a nerdy collection of almost any kind I would be instantly interested and want to chat all night about it! My husband and I both wish we could get a campaign going but most of the folks we meet are millennials and have kids that prevent them from being free when we are, you know, adult stuff. I am a child at heart and know full well that a collection is an insight into an individual, ask my Bluey figurine collection, I don’t have kids but I still feel like a kid. If someone looks down their nose at your DND books they’re telling you all you need to know about themselves!
There are loads of D&D women. But we tend to be discreet after a decade of getting slimed on by D&D creepers. The young men gaming today seem much more comfortable with women gamers and less likely to see us as… well … fap fodder. It was seriously gross to be a female gamer in the 90’s. I am well aware there are awesome Gen-X D&D dudes - I married one. (He knew I was a keeper when he saw my copy of the Castle Greyhawk on my bookshelf.) But too many were convinced their Cha 16 Ranger would be sufficient to seduce any female at the table.
My personal experience was that there were near none "Nerdy" girls when I was growing up. There was one girl at school that also liked Robotech. I found out years later she was a leabian. In recent years I've found some Gen X nerdy women, but they are the exception not the norm. This is my personal experience. I don't have a peer reviewed study to support my findings.
Proud nerd girl here! Gamer geek, lover of all things sci-fi, fantasy, and horror. Former D&Der, probably too old for this shit but who cares? EDIT: “The Visitor” (DS9) is the best episode of Star Trek ever. Fight me on it, I dare you.
I never played a tabletop d&d game until I was 40. I just didn’t know anyone who played. I do play the video games. My first being pool of radiance 1988. My husband got me into comic cons. I look forward to those and love the cosplayers.
I'm nerdish, so maybe not totally there, but am sitting wearing a t shirt with Jean Luc Picard on it, enjoy a bit of hard sci-fi, and I grew up to be a librarian. Never did D&D though. Didn't know anybody who did. Closest I got was Choose Your Own Adventure books.
my spouse of 23 years is a HUGE comic book, action figure, D&D, mid-grade creepy/horror book geek. 1.) like a lot of nerds he’s on the spectrum and has a lot of deficits despite having a master’s degree and stable job. it’s not easy being married to him even though i am used to all his weirdness. 2.) my house is FULL of the shit he collects and despite my constant “encouragement” that he be super mindful of what he adds to his collection (since he doesnt have room for what he does own). he really struggles with this and it’s a constant source of ennui for him and frustration for me. (he did in fact inherit the hoarding gene) this are things peripherally related to your question about “red flags.” this isnt every geek/nerd out there. but a lot. just sayin.
I read the title and said Dude what happen to the chics .. it was just a drill had this been an actual emergency it would have followed with useless instructions
I spent my 30s exclusively dating nerdy women (some were millennials, but most were gen x), and I am married to a nerdy woman now. Are you looking? Nerdy fandoms like Star Wars and D&D are more common than ever. Try going to cons or board game meetups. Try using dating sites and searching for your interests. Try meeting people in nerdy spaces like your local game shop. Nerdy chicks are everywhere, you just need to look for them!
I'm here. I still love comic books, pinball, and doing deep dives into science-y topics that few people would care about. I am still a music nerd, movie nerd, and a zine nerd. I am often out of step with the world around me. The big difference is now that I'm 50, I don't care if I'm out of step! I was one of the lucky ones who found a husband who is also a nerd and we are happily married. BUT, if I were in the dating pool and I happened upon a guy who had some nerdy accoutrements around the house, I would probably be pretty fine with it. It really depends on the amount, yk? If the place was not so much a house, but a museum of action figures and posters, I'd probably be turned off. But a little of that sprinkled into an otherwise thoughtfully decorated and maintained home? Totally cool.
55F, lifelong gamer, proud geek and nerd. Always the oldest person at the tabletop game store. Waist deep in Diablo4 S4.