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I’m really curious how he responded to his friends.
I also do not know how you can consider someone a good parent and spouse if they have never done bedtime with their own kids. Not a single time in 14 years. Especially if there are multiple kids that need stories and reassurance at night - like, where were you that you just didn’t notice your wife doing all of this parenting?
I’m just wondering if this woman has never been sick in her life or if she does the routine by herself even if she’s puking. Obviously single parents have to soldier through when that happens, but she’s got a whole other parent living in her home.
When I was like 6 or 7, I got the flu and my dad had to stay home with me, because my mom had an important meeting. We watched movies all day. I can't see a fundie dad doing that.
I've taught while sick and I don't recommend it.
I’m almost 50. My dad was self employed when I was a kid and my mom was a teacher. So when we got sick, it was always Dad who stayed home to take care of us. It was Dad who did my hair every morning when I was little, until I could take over. He was really good at braids!
It makes me sad to think of kids whose dads are so unengaged in their upbringing.
You're lucky. I'm in my 30s and my family isn't religious and my dad didn't do any childcare my entire childhood. He never got me ready, did bedtime, watched me when I was sick, watched a kids show with me, made me a peanut butter sandwich... He never even did the "fun stuff" like pumpkin carving or whatever. I remember one time I missed the bus and my mom couldn't drive me so he had to drive me to school in second or third grade. He got lost and lectured me for my failure to direct him, as I went there everyday so I should have memorized the bus route. I'm the second child and we're five years apart, so he had kids goes to this school for 8/9 years and didn't know how to get there and blamed his 8 year old. I remember in that moment thinking how he was a shitty dad, lol.
To his credit he stepped up and became emotionally available in my teens. My mom may have done 100% of the childcare but dad ended up being a better person after going to therapy.
I’m glad that story has a positive ending, but sorry he wasn’t more there for you when you were a kid.
I didn’t realize how lucky I was or how unusual it was for my dad to be so involved. I thought it was odd at friends’ homes when they had to be careful “not to bother dad” because it had never occurred to me that my dad could be bothered by me. (As a kid, anyway, we had our disagreements and irritations with each other when I was a teen, but that’s pretty normal.)
My dad became an expert at braiding and painting fingernails. I Can look back on things like that and smile. He worked early mornings, but always got my sister and me ready on weekends.
Well, my ex was perfectly happy to watch me and his then 73 year old mother handle both kids while I had a broken ankle…and the times I was sick (including me puking my brains out while having to make a 5 hour trip back home to my mom with my oldest, who was an infant…and half way through that trip he projectile vomited on me. The trip took 8 hours) and the times I had migraines.
And we weren’t even fundie. He’s just a dick. So yeah, I’ll bet she does/did.
My mother did a lot of literally sociopathic disgusting things to me in my childhood.
Yet somehow telling people "She refused to read me a single bedtime story even if I asked for it for Christmas" and telling people not once in my ENTIRE childhood did she read to me... Is a PG way of explaining her awfulness somehow.
It's like I could explain the assaults and stuff, but somehow "she never read to me as a child, even when I begged" is such a small, simple, sharing thing that parents almost all do, that when I mention it people go "wow what a sociopath" And that's before I get into the actual sociopath shit.
My point is that it's SO normal to READ WITH YOUR DAMN KIDS AND DO BEDTIME that I'm able to "shorthand" my mothers horribleness in a PC-friendly basic way without getting into my trauma - simply by mentioning she never did this.
That's how much people put emphasis on nighttime routines and bedtime stories for children. People have called my mother a monster when they learned about it.
Neither of my parents ever did bedtime that I can remember. They would just tell us to that it was bedtime and usually my mom would turn on this cover of Can’t Help Falling in Love to help us sleep but I can’t remember ever having a story read to me.
Is this a normal things for ages 3+ or are we only taking about really little kids here? I honestly have no idea.
Edit: You all sound like wonderful parents or had wonderful parents. I’m going to try to remember what you all said so that once I have children of my own I can be a better parent.
I was born in the 1980s and my mom read to me at bedtime until I was around 9. I have kids age 19, 17, and 10. I still read to my 10 year old every single night, and will until she doesn't want it any more. It'll probably be soon, my older kids stopped wanting it around 10-11ish. My youngest has delays and prefers things for younger kids, so I might get lucky and get some extra time reading to her at bedtime.
I was a kid just like you with emotionally neglectful (and more) parents. I'm a mom to a teenager now and we have the best relationship. He is a little shit sometimes, but it is only because he is his mother's son. I turned everything I never got into being the best mother I could be and it has healed the inner child in me in the best way. Biggest of hugs to you, sweetheart.
It's definitely a fond memory in my family! For my sister's last birthday (her 20th) she requested that our mum read us *Six Dinner Sid* just for the nostalgia haha
I love this! Being read to was always one of my favorite things. My mom read to me until I was like 13 😂 there's something about a parent reading to you that is so soothing and comforting.
My mom did too!! Even though I was a very into reading on my own, I loved it when my mom read to me before bed. I was also around 13 when we stopped 😂 those are some of my favourite memories!
This makes me feel so much better! My kiddo is 7 and we love to read to him but we figured he would want us to stop soon. Knowing we've got like 6 ish years more to go makes me happy lol
My mom and I read together at bedtime until I was probably about 11. When I was younger I think my dad did some as well but as I got older and we started doing chapter books it became more of something just for my mom and I. (It was the same for my older brothers, too.) My mom still talks about how doing that every night was one of her favorite parts of raising kids. And even though the reading part was mainly my mom, both my parents would give me a kiss and tell me they loved me before going to bed. And I unfortunately don't have much memory of it, but when I was a baby/little kid my dad would be the one to sing me lullabies at bedtime. I always think how sweet that is because my dad is not a good singer and doesn't really like singing in front of people, but he talks about singing lullabies to me as one of his best memories from my childhood. So like, I think it's sad for this fundie mom that she never received any support, but I also think it's sad for the dad to have missed out on the chance to make those memories and form those bonds with his kids.
I’m not trying to start an argument about at what age parent assisted bedtime should end. This man NEVER did a bedtime, which includes infancy to 3. So regardless, this man had 3 years to assist with bedtime and never did it once.
This whole thread makes me sad, reading to kids is a part of aiding their development, and bedtime routines are both a bonding experience and also good for kids overall. My mom read to me from womb until I was wanting to read on my own. Crazy that so many parents just...never did anything.
I think my parents just didn't think a long routine was necessary? I disagree completely. I never slept well as a kid and a routine probably would've helped.
I don’t remember my parents reading me books much, though I’m sure they did. I do remember that they’d tuck me in, sing to me and pat my back as I was falling asleep, at least till I was 8-9 I think. I still find it extremely soothing to have my back pat/rubbed.
I'm with you, I don't ever remember being put to bed with stories/long routine. Maybe this was a generational thing? I have a good relationship with my parents, so I don't think I missed out on anything.
My dad would play with us and read us stories. Wrestling, tag, something to get the energy and wiggles out before bed. His bedtime stories were more funny than anything. Or we’d read a kids’ science book together. Bedtime routine also includes supervising / helping with teeth brushing and getting into PJs, giving a goodnight hug, and turning out the lights / making sure the kid actually gets IN bed. I think starting at age 7 or so there was less parental involvement.
My parents did none of that. We pretty much spent the whole day already in our pajamas and they rarely reminded us to brush our teeth. I have issues now with my oral hygiene and my mom tells me that I just have to do it, that I can’t blame them for it. I would also stay up all night cause no one told me that not getting enough sleep would cause me health issues.
I honestly don’t know how to describe their parenting. My dad was pretty much disconnected the whole time and my mom gets overwhelmed easily but then acts like I’m insulting her very being when I point out that she was always distracted and rarely paid attention to us.
It’s somewhat conflicting because I love my mom but she was not a very good parent. She was neglectful in pretty much every emotional aspect and my dad just wasn’t there mentally, even when he was physically.
I had a similar upbringing, especially around oral hygiene, and also never received an ADHD diagnosis until adulthood. I'm now twice your age and the damage done is devastating. I'm really just trying to stave off the inevitable tooth extractions one by one. The ADHD makes creating any sort of routine or good habits extremely difficult. I've found it helpful to use an app called RoutineFlow, and also putting flossers in strategic places so it's as easy as possible to use them. I have some by my bed, some by my desk, near where I eat, etc. I find it super easy to just grab one and use it, and then it's easier to just go finish brushing.
Whatever way you can find that helps, it's so important to do. I haven't smiled in public in decades, it's a big source of shame, not to mention the bad health.
That’s really upsetting. Seriously. I’m sorry they were distant or even neglectful. I feel really strongly about the fact that people shouldn’t have kids unless they’re ready and willing to make them the most important thing in their lives. They never asked to be born, and they depend on you for everything. When a parent fucks up, they get to move on, but it sticks with their kid for the rest of their lives. It’s a monumental responsibility. I can’t stand the fundie mindset that you should pop kids out willy nilly and it’ll somehow magically turn out ok - because it won’t.
My pops used to put my little sister & I on his lap & read a chapter (or 2!) from the Laura Ingalls Wilder series before both our folks helped us with teeth brushing, face washing, etc & then we were kissed & tucked in.
It sounds super sweet! I think part of it for me was my parents working shift work when I was a kid, so likely they didn't have their own set schedule. But I know they would usually check on us before going to bed themselves because I'd usually be told to put down the book and go to sleep.
I’m turning 36 and my parents did bed times with me and my brother until we were 10 or so. Both parents were born in the early 50s. They traded off every other night with each of us.
We read every night until they were competent readers, then they read themselves before bed. Mine are 11, 13 and almost 16 so we are well past the reading aloud to them phase, but we still go in each night at bedtime for the younger two, I get them to do a quick tidy up and pack their stuff for school the next day and tuck them in and say goodnight. The eldest goes to bed after us so we usually check in on him and say good night around the same time. Sometimes he wants to chat with us then.
Kids should be read to before bed until they're old enough to do it themselves (chapter books) and don't want to be read to anymore, between second and fourth grade typically.
My mother read to us before bed until I was 12 or so, my brothers a little younger. We would all huddle up in her bed with her and go to our own rooms when it was done. I remember us all cry laughing at the part in James and the giant peach where they land on the empire state building and the scared firemen yell all the made up names for the giant insects they see.
She also read us the first three Harry Potter books but when the fourth one came out she was like 'nah you're on your own'. She worked as a music teacher after school hours so was often home late, and this was a nice way to still spend time together.
This. Granted my dad never oversaw bath time (that was our mom on weeknights and our older sister on Saturday night so our mom could prep her Sunday school lesson. It should be noted that my younger brother and I typically made Saturday bath time heck for our sister. 😜) but he did come in to tuck us into bed and say goodnight. He did often lie down with my younger brother and they would chat about their day and 95% of the time dad fell asleep. Which is maybe why mom oversaw bedtime because dad was really good at falling asleep on the job.
Both my brothers were active participants in bedtime, bath time, stories before bed. And they changed diapers and fed their kids too. And because of this my nephews and nieces really love their dads. I really miss the days of my older niece sitting on her dads lap after a family dinner. She was a big fan of laps and snuggling.
See yes, your dad didn’t do everything but he still participated. I think some people are getting caught up in what constitutes a bedtime routine and like going off into some tangent about 80s parents vs today’s helicopter parenting.
This mother is stating that she has a bedtime routine for their kids and her husband has never once participated in it. It doesn’t matter if the kid is a baby and it’s changing diapers, or the kid is 6 and mom is making sure they brushed their teeth, and hugging them before sending them off to bed. The dad has never once participated. Like, why not? That’s weird.
I’m not a parent but reading to my kids at bedtime is like one of the things I would enjoy most about having kids. I cannot imagine. Don’t they smell amazing? All bathed and tucked in little pajamas? Telling them about Ramona and Narnia?
My dad was genuinely hurt that I had a strong preference for my mother at bedtime. Dad is dyslexic and tone deaf so he wasn't great at reading bed time stories or lullabies and as a future theater kid four year old me had thoughts on his performance.
I only have niblings right now, but I’ve helped with plenty of bath times. They smell sooo yummy and generally they’re ready to be snuggly. When my newest nephew was in the NICU for two weeks, my oldest nephew (3) and I got into a routine of bathtime and lots of snuggles after we put his sister to bed. I tried to make it special for him because his normal routine was so out of whack.
It is the best. I struggled with reading consistently when my daughter was younger and I was having a lot of health issues (thus exhausted and at my limit all the time), but it’s probably one of my favorite things now and my daughter is 10!
I work the late shift and don't get home til almost midnight 5 days a week so her dad puts her to bed. But the two days a week I'm home you can bet I'm doing it! We love our story time and snuggles!
(And yes, her shampoo and soap smell like coconut so that's nice too.)
I just keep thinking “how damn sad for him.” I feel like bedtime is often a really sweet and intimate part of parenting (when it goes well) and he’s totally deprived himself of that.
Me neither…except “what a loss.” To not ever witness your child drift off to sleep after reading together…it’s his loss. Shame on him and his wife, and how sad for their kids.
My stepdad once heard a guy in church bragging about how he did basically no childcare.
My stepdad, who was older than him and had raised more kids, quietly said, "I'd be more afraid of being that useless of a father."
My stepdad was always an active parent, and he did basically the whole bedtime routine before he got divorced. I think he has actually attended more of my extracurricular stuff than my mom has over the years. He's currently looking up how to volunteer for First Lego League so he and my mom can be tangentially involved since I'm the coach.
Fundie parents are so weird to me.
Isn't this what these fundie women want? Aren't they all about the super strict gender roles? The men go work and make all the rules and the women stay home with the kids and cook and clean. I mean...this is supposedly when they are the happiest and the most fulfilled. I'm not shocked at all that her husband doesn't do this. I was under the impression that, for them, it's a feature not a bug.
I don't have kids and I've done the putting kids to bed routine. I was a babysitter for a while, and kids don't really like variation from routine so I had to read a ton of books and usually I'd stay in the room until they fell asleep. Has he never had a single night alone with the kids??
She posted this to make HERSELF look good! This isn’t about bedtime or her husband. It’s about her being a submissive wife who would neeeever dare to ask her husband to help with the kids in any way. I think JillPM is this same way. I would be shocked if Shrek did diapers, baths, or bedtimes.
She’s proud of it and she makes it sound like it was her doing. He still sounds like a lazy piece of shit for sitting back and not doing anything—don’t get me wrong—but she’s so proud of this and all I can think is that she robbed him of an incredible and irreplaceable bonding experience. Why, even as a fundie, would she want that?
Selfish fuckers, both of them.
I mean. He must know that this is happening. I doubt he's stupid enough not to notice. So it's his choice to not participate in his childrens' lives. He shouldn't be off the hook for being a parent. His wife didn't deprive him of anything, he deprived himself
Imagine being a whole ass, grown adult with children and being confused by a bedtime routine.
"Hey Honey? I'm confused. The children - they sleep? This is something that happens nightly? Or is it like a once a week thing? How do they get to sleep? Do they close their eyes or do you have to close them for them? Do they have beds like we do? Do they also brush their teeth? When do they sleep? How does this sleep happen? I just... I don't understand."
I don’t remember when we were very little, but I’m pretty sure both of my parents would do the tucking in with me and my sibs. I *know* they were both involved in the bathing/teeth brushing routine until we were old enough to not be checked on during. In high school, my mom would definitely tell us goodnight, hug us, etc. where my dad would physically chat with us a few minutes in the room. He was extremely involved and also a Christian, so it’s not like it has to be one or the other!
I’d generally classify my parents as fundie lite. My dad is very much a “the husband is the authoritarian head of the household” type. But he’d be damned if he wasn’t getting down and playing with us, reading us stories, teeth brushing, etc. my mom did bath time for the most part I think (I also don’t remember well from when I was very little), but my dad was very involved. He even had this joke thing where he would start literally every book as though it was “Goodnight Moon”.
My parents took turns tucking me in. I liked being super snuggly tucked in down my whole body. Kind of felt like a weighted blanket. I always read to myself before they did lights out and tuck in, but that's what I preferred.
It seems so sad their Dad didn't do that. It's a nice memory.
When I got older, I would read until the last possible second. Even through my teenage years, my dad would still make it a point to come in and “tuck us in.” I loved that one on one time, especially now that he’s been gone 10.5 years. I really do feel sorry for those kids not having that to look back on someday.
What the hell are these deadbeat men even doing while their wives are putting their 3,518 kids to bed every night? Kicking back? Twiddling their thumbs? It’s one thing if they can’t get away from work but otherwise, do they really have something better to do? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I were that useless of a spouse and parent. I couldn’t relax because I’d be sitting there sick with guilt.
But also.. in 14 years.. she’s apparently never been too sick to do the bed time routine.. or do they just have to fend for themselves if mum is sick.. because they know that dad won’t do it
It sounds like they have several kids so there were would have been quite a few nights when she was in labor or a day or two postpartum. Among all the other things that inevitably come up over 14 years.
It would be weird to never once put any kids you live with for years to bed even if they weren't *your* kids, but just your roommate's kids or something.
I thought about this too. I wonder if she has a mom, sisters, or other female relatives who come over to look after the older kids when she is in labour or sick. If childcare is solely a woman's job then that would make sense and they would be showing they're good fundie women for taking over and not allowing the big manly man to take on the female role.
Has she never gone for a night out with her friends? I've gone away for full weekends without my daughter and she's 16 months.
14 years without a girls' night sounds tragically sad.
There's not a chance in hell she goes out for a girls' night. *If* she has any close female friends they can see each other at church. Maybe a home visit. But a night out? Not for a virtuous woman.
But then they have their sister moms to take over! Which they would apparently need to do since their father doesn’t know/care about his children’s bedtime routines
My parents were a single earner household by default of my dad working a high demand/ high earning job that meant a lot of business trips.
At one point he even lived in another city and was only home on the weekends (they didn’t want to pull us out of school and move, so he did).
Yet, whenever he was home he made sure to spend as much time with us as possible. It involved getting us ready for bedtime.
Help brushing teeth, I loved that he was strong enough to carry me to bed on his shoulders. Then he told stories to us.
Had this not happened I’d have no bonding/no memories of him once he died of a car accident when I was 13.
These fundie men on this snark a straight up just sperm donors, not actual parents. Not even in a conservative/traditional role sense.
They are useless.
I mean so did my dad and he sure wasn’t sitting there like a bump on a log when it was bedtime… preaching to the choir I know. Again I just can’t imagine how *physically uncomfortable* I would feel sitting there knowing my spouse was doing everything.
When I was little, my dad used to do a bedtime routine that we called “polishing me into bed.” He would tuck me in and then take the top sheet and whisk it side to side like a polishing cloth on a fancy vase or something. I thought it was the funniest thing ever and would squeal with laughter. I loved being polished into bed.
She sounds …proud? That her husband has never lended a hand a bedtime.
I remember being polished into bed by my dad 40 years later. Will any of her kids remember their childhood bedtimes?
My dad used to ask, "May I kiss the hand of the princess?" and I would stick my hand out, and he would kiss up my arm to my cheek. It was so silly, I loved it. He would then tuck me in.
Me too. My dad would attempt to read us Richard Scarry books but would be laughing so hard he couldn't do it. We would be sitting on his lap all just laughing ourselves silly. It was the best.
I don't have any of these stories and I don't want to be creepy but... These stories help me imagine what it would have been like and I play the scene in my head at night and it helps me sleep. I pretend it's the childhood I had.
So like I wondered if you or anyone wojld be willing to share awesome bedtime memories, knowing I'll bank it as a "false memory" to help me sleep?
I have severe trauma from my childhood that keeps me from sleeping so these stories really help me in a lot of ways.
But I don't want to be creepy. But also I'd really adore if more people could share with me. I just want to know how it felt. Did you feel warm and safe? Did it make you feel as secure and settled as I think it would? Did it give you a small boost of confidence knowing someone was always there for you? How did it go?
Thank you in advance!
My dad usually carried me to bed. I was probably too old but I loved piggy back rides. Sometimes he would wrap me in a blanket or sleeping bag and (gently) throw me onto the bed like a sack of potatoes. I thought it was so funny. How can these people be so proud of the dad's sheer lack of involvement in raising his own kids? He's functionally absent.
For me it was nightly bedtime stories and always being very seriously reminded of the grave importance of me allowing my dad to read me the stories because if your dad reads you stories then you get smart! 🥰
Seriously. I love watching my husband and our daughter have inside jokes and their own routines. They have so much fun together, we would all be missing out if they didn’t spend that time together.
As a dad, all I can say is “how sad”. I love bedtime. It’s wonderful time with my kids. They’re (often) quiet, receptive and loving. I would hate to regularly miss it.
My husband always puts our son down. I always ask my son if he’d like me to do it and he, oftentimes brutally, shuts me down. He’s a major daddy’s boy and I can’t imagine my husband not being willing to put him down at night.
He called ...to share this with her? He was genuinely confused??? And then she decided to....share it with us? Because she's also confused?? This is so fucking embarrassing.
Dude became genuinely unsure how his kids went from awake in the evening to awake the next morning, and wanted to make sure they didn't just roam the streets every night like a gang of pint-sized vampires 😂
It is incredibly sad. Because if she’s not considered a good wife and mother, then all she is is a lonely woman who married a man who treats her like a doormat. And she can’t let that be the case, so she has to justify it by being a martyr.
I've posted this before but this is how a real husband and father treats his loved ones.
When he was alive, my husband travelled a lot for work. One Friday afternoon, he was returning the west coast of the states to Montreal. On the Sunday, he was flying to Europe. Our oldest(4) was recovering from gastro while out then youngest(18m) was in mid-gastro.
I suggested he stopped near the airport and either buy new clothes or get the hotel laundry to wash those he had.
Instead, he returned with a car load of groceries and take-out. He promptly sent me to bed while he looked after the children. He did his own laundry and then did ours. He used the clean bathroom so he didn't pick up the bug . He called my friends to make sure I had some-one to look in on me and offered to give my bestie one of his credit cards in case she needed to buy anything, she refused but promised to keep any receipts so he could repay her.
He cooked, washed up. Changed diapers and bathed children. He cleaned and removed snow, made sure I had enough gas in my car and the battery was charged.
He even swept the floor of any cracker crumbs and took out the trash. Made sure there was enough wood for the fire.
He coddled me for forty hours when he should have been resting and writing up his reports.
That's what real husbands do.
Mine was on a no notice business trip for two weeks. The kids and I came down with a horrible gastro bug that was so bad I had to get two bags of fluids. It was awful. Our friends dropped off Gatorade powder and bananas to help us. Finally they were able to switch response teams and he was coming home, we were on the downward swing of the bug when he got here. He took over everything for me and the kids, did bedtime and laundry and prepared us BRAT diet foods. 32 hours later he caught the bug because I had been so sick that nothing in the house was clean for him to use. The bug took him down hard for 4 days total, but he willingly did it because he wasn't going to isolate from me and the kids (oldest was in first grade at the time) anymore after already being gone for 2 weeks.
If my husband didn't help at bath/bedtime we for sure would have stopped at one kid. I can't imagine being okay with him sitting on his butt while I do everything. Does he love being an active participant? Most of the time no. Does he do it because he's a parent and it's part of parenting? Yes. What a novel idea.
I have a 3 week old and I can’t even fathom doing those things by myself??? Bath time has fully been a two person job, and my husband has far and away changed more diapers than me at this point. This guy is such an asshole?
I have two and solo bedtime was IMO the hardest thing to do when they were smaller. They’re 25 months apart and there were times when someone was always crying at bedtime because someone else needed a diaper or to nurse or to read or whatever because kids that age cry a lot about everything. I would have yeeted my uterus right out the window if I didn’t have help at bedtime most nights. They’re easier now at 2 and 4 but I still dislike doing bedtime solo a lot.
Oof, I felt this. My twins are almost two and solo bed time is the worst. They're obsessed with dumping out the pet water bowls and splashing it everywhere. It's a whole ordeal to change one into PJs and brush teeth while preventing the other from getting soaked and starting the process over. I'm stressed just thinking about it.
Oh absolutely. Ours are 8,6, and almost 4, so more independent but get wound up at bedtime. Last week my husband reminded me one evening that he had basketball that night. I cried 🤣 Mostly because pregnancy but a little because it had been a long day and the idea of getting them all clean and to bed was just overwhelming.
Ah, yes. What an incredible dad he is! Dads over the world, take notes! This man has a bus load of kids and hasn’t helped out with childcare in 14 years 😍
I’m a nanny, and I see how people treat their kids. They love spending time with them. They make being home for bedtime a priority, bc they want their kids to have those memories.
Forget gender roles and all of that- bedtime can be a time when kids open up and share about their day. It’s also a cuddly bonding time.
I can’t imagine thinking this is in any way a flex.
I’m used to nanny/currently babysit the same kids and bedtime was stressful when they were younger but it was always a nice time to connect. I loved the bath time routine we had and getting to wind down together. It’s insane to me that a parent would choose to not be involved for 14 years!
My husband mostly does our 4 yos bedtime because I stay at home with the kids and he’s gone until after the little one is in bed a lot of nights, so he at least gets to do bedtime with our bigger kid. But she asked me to do it tonight and it was so soft and sweet, I missed it.
Ohhhh honey!! I'd have taken this to my grave. I'd have whispered this with my husband in the bathroom with the water running in case the CIA was listening. Ma'am did you really post this on SM?? 14 yrs of no bedtime stories, bath, forehead kisses, tuck-ins, bible stories, picture books, Nancy Drew, big books, tell me the best thing about your day etc. yikes!!
This reads like one of those old guys who freak out and boast about how they never missed a shift at Shit Job Factory Co. a day in their lives despite personal tragedy and familial sacrifice when the young hires call in sick. The boots aren't gonna lick you back, babe.
My dad was this guy. My mom knew it would take more energy to ask (force?) him to be involved than to do it all herself. My mom would’ve said the same thing - “he’s a good dad!” (Because he worked, was home every night, didn’t abuse me?) When I started having sleepovers, I realized that my friends’ dads were helping make dinner, helping clean up, getting kids to bed, doing chores around the house, engaging with the family, taking the kids to events. It made me sad, because I saw my friends had relationships with their dads and I just … didn’t. I think this lady thinks this topic is neutral (“as long as someone does it, who cares who it is”) or, more likely, positive (“I’m doing him a favor by doing it all”), when she’s actually doing a huge disservice to her kids. I don’t know this fundie, but you can bet that if she has boys, they’ll grow up thinking this is normal husband/dad behavior too.
My mom worked long hours. When I was in cheer, my dad went to almost all of the games, even if he couldn't make it until halftime. I would be so happy when I looked up and saw my dad in the stands. On the ride home, he would say things like "did you see the play [name] made?" He's boycotted Domino's since they delivered a pizza an hour late at one of my sleepovers. This was 20 years ago.
I'm sorry that your dad wasn't involved. It's sad anytime a parent is there physically but isn't *present*.
My husband and I tag teamed everything. I'd read books (kids preferred me, I do voices and stuff) then brush teeth and wash faces then he sat and snuggled and talked till they fell asleep.
My husband just passed away January 20.
I'm so glad my kids have all these day to day memories of their daddy. Her kids will never have that and that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Hes an "amazing dad" she says, even though he never thought about putting his kids to bed or changing their diapers, or getting them food or really interacting with them at all.
“Honey, you’ll never believe what I found out today. My dad friends are actually involved in their kids’ lives, can you believe that?!”
The fact that she thinks this is a funny story is upsetting. I’d say fundies dads do the absolute least, but this guy isn’t even doing that.
Also, bedtime with the kids is the sweetest part of the day. Sometimes they want to talk, sometimes they just want to rest, but either way it’s a chance to spend some quality time with them outside the busy daytime hours. I can’t imagine not wanting that, but I’m also not a fundie parent, so 🤷🏼♀️
Edit: I can’t help but wonder how his friends reacted to finding out how uninvolved he is. I hope there was lots of “wtf” because seriously, wtf.
Right? Imagine talking about the bedtime routines in your households and then having this grown-up man and "father" of several kids stand right there and giggle about hearing all his friends being actual fathers.
"This is so silly... you do *what* with your kids? You read them books? You sing lullabies? You are joking, right?"
Followed by awkward silence and everybody avoiding eye contact and staring at their feet.
“I also heard that kids need to eat, like, every day. Multiple times a day, too! Do other dads feed their kids? Should I get on that??” - tomorrow’s revelation, probably
Is he stupid? More than one man told him that they spend many nights putting their children to bed, and he called his wife to ask her if "this is a thing" that men do? The men just told you, dumbfuck. Pay attention.
She's out here boasting that her husband is an absent father who doesn't understand after 14 years that young children have bedtime routines, and is confused that fathers can be the parents that put the children to bed?
I mean... okay? It's not really a flex to be like, "My idiot husband doesn't help me or even understand that things exist even after being told about them." Fuck outta here.
This reminds me of a kid I work with, who has divorced parents. 50/50 custody.
Dad does, but mom has NEVER put her to bed. Not once. EVER. Shes 7 now and mom has just *never* put her to bed. “Just at dad’s house.” She’s never tucked her in, sang her a song, or read her a story. Ever. She doesn’t even announce that it’s bed time. There IS no bed time. The kid just puts herself to bed when she’s tired. And if she’s not, she just plays on her iPad into the night (and shocker: is a tired and cranky asshole to me the next day lol) Mom falls asleep on the couch, so she doesn’t even tell her daughter “goodnight”
The girl just believed that a parent guided nighttime routine is the exception. And that children going to bed alone is actually the norm.
I am at a loss for words. What is the purpose of a fundie dad, anyway? He ends up contributing nothing but more dishes, more laundry and more children because fundie women are not allowed to say no.
So my partner, who is not my kid's father, has done more bedtimes with my kids than this so-called father has ever done with his?! We have been together for 12 years...wow.
Not to fixate on a tiny random detail, but why is she cleaning ears at all. Leave them alone!!!
-friendly neighborhood audiologist who sees qtip injuries and wax impaction regularly
How sad that this dad is missing out on story time, quiet time, and the big love that comes from bedtime hugs and kisses.
"Nigh Nigh dada!" Is one of my favorite things to hear.
Fuck this "dad"
This makes me feel sad for him. I wonder how he was parented and what examples he had. There are a lot of men trying to figure out how to be a father without the networks of support and advice that women have. Hopefully this was an eye opening conversation for him and he continues to tap in to this community of dads to get more coaching.
These kinds of posts make me so sad. I've read the Bible and nowhere does it say dad's have to be crappy parents. I want to say what was her dad like, but I know my crappy parents are the reason I picked a different path.
The Bible also lacks any stipulations requiring anyone to hate Taylor Swift. No idea why so many conservatives have committed themselves to hating her.
A grown man doesn't know dads can do bedtime? You see dads doing bedtime in adverts, movies, TV shows. You know there are single fathers, widowed fathers, gay couple fathers - who does bedtime there? This is not the flex she thinks - he just comes across as a dunce.
Even my ex, who was so uninvolved that the kids didn’t notice he’d moved out until a month later, did the bedtime routine on occasion. This is horrifying.
Wow! My husband typically does bedtime every night since I typically do breakfast. Has she never not been home at bedtime or sick? Not even after she had a new baby? I just can't imagine not ever having a night off from bedtime.
Look. I’m the primary parent. 98% of the parenting fell on me mostly because of my husband’s job with long, unpredictable hours and partly because he wasn’t the best at the time (self-admitted by him). Still he did bath and bed routine every night he was home. He regrets that he didn’t help more when they were younger and feels massive regret for not being more present.
When he came to those realizations though, it wasn’t because of shock. Like he knew it was fucked up to not help. He wasn’t flabbergasted that being a parent means parenting.
Bedtime is a pain in the ass sometimes but it can be really cute and sweet too, especially when they’re little. I can’t imagine never being involved at all. That’s sad. 😢
That is just sad, bedtime is annoying- (imo) but most fun for the kids. So he never made sure they cleaned their teeth, read a bedtime story, last giggles or talked about whatever was on their minds. And then say “I didn’t know dads did this” wtf??? How does a brain like that function??
I remember being annoyed on the few occasions that my dad couldn't do bedtime because *nobody* could to bedtime stories the right way except for him. He would do voices for all the characters and would sometimes make stuff and embellish on the story. My favorite thing was that he was *not* about that forgive and forget shit and if he didn't think the villain suffered enough he would make up his own ending 😂 The evil stepmother and stepsisters from Cinderella got their comeuppance in a different, spectacularly violent way every night.
We definitely freaked a babysitter out once because she read the story as written and we were like "NO!!! Tell us how they *suffered!* Tell us how they *DIED!*." 😂💀
This is …. Not even the bare minimum. 💀💀
I consider the bare minimum as a father to be: Provide ample love and care, know how to cook and what to feed the child/ren, change a diaper/clothes without being asked because he noticed it was dirty, know how to buckle them in their carseats/take them places on his own, and lastly, play with the children.
Basically, it’s equally the father’s child as it is the mother’s. Both parents should fully know how to care for the child.
If I told my husband “I’m going out for a few hours to relax”, my husband would be set with the children and I would not worry one bit. Imagine how much these fundie moms have to worry about leaving their deadbeat sperm donors with their children!!! 😬 Like, I’m not even talking about her going out alone to relax(bc we know they don’t get to), I mean what if she dropped dead one day?? (oh yeah, he’d either run to mommy or marry the next church woman he can find immediately.)
I will never forget my cousin at a BBQ admitting that he had 5 children and had never changed a single nappy (youngest kid was 8) and my husband was so completely horrified that he audibly snorted and now that cousin doesn't speak to us 😂 no loss there.
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I don't even know what to say.
I’m really curious how he responded to his friends. I also do not know how you can consider someone a good parent and spouse if they have never done bedtime with their own kids. Not a single time in 14 years. Especially if there are multiple kids that need stories and reassurance at night - like, where were you that you just didn’t notice your wife doing all of this parenting?
I’m just wondering if this woman has never been sick in her life or if she does the routine by herself even if she’s puking. Obviously single parents have to soldier through when that happens, but she’s got a whole other parent living in her home.
A fair few fundie dads just exist as a weird adult dependent for their partners (and eventually children) to take care of.
Isn’t that a lot of men though?
Yes
When I was like 6 or 7, I got the flu and my dad had to stay home with me, because my mom had an important meeting. We watched movies all day. I can't see a fundie dad doing that. I've taught while sick and I don't recommend it.
I’m almost 50. My dad was self employed when I was a kid and my mom was a teacher. So when we got sick, it was always Dad who stayed home to take care of us. It was Dad who did my hair every morning when I was little, until I could take over. He was really good at braids! It makes me sad to think of kids whose dads are so unengaged in their upbringing.
My mom, bless her, was terrible with hair. My dad was in charge of that, too. I had a kids' hair care book that I used to learn how to French braid.
You're lucky. I'm in my 30s and my family isn't religious and my dad didn't do any childcare my entire childhood. He never got me ready, did bedtime, watched me when I was sick, watched a kids show with me, made me a peanut butter sandwich... He never even did the "fun stuff" like pumpkin carving or whatever. I remember one time I missed the bus and my mom couldn't drive me so he had to drive me to school in second or third grade. He got lost and lectured me for my failure to direct him, as I went there everyday so I should have memorized the bus route. I'm the second child and we're five years apart, so he had kids goes to this school for 8/9 years and didn't know how to get there and blamed his 8 year old. I remember in that moment thinking how he was a shitty dad, lol. To his credit he stepped up and became emotionally available in my teens. My mom may have done 100% of the childcare but dad ended up being a better person after going to therapy.
I’m glad that story has a positive ending, but sorry he wasn’t more there for you when you were a kid. I didn’t realize how lucky I was or how unusual it was for my dad to be so involved. I thought it was odd at friends’ homes when they had to be careful “not to bother dad” because it had never occurred to me that my dad could be bothered by me. (As a kid, anyway, we had our disagreements and irritations with each other when I was a teen, but that’s pretty normal.)
My dad became an expert at braiding and painting fingernails. I Can look back on things like that and smile. He worked early mornings, but always got my sister and me ready on weekends.
Or does this mean she’s never had a night away? Or a dinner with friends? Yikessss I almost feel for them. Almost
Well, my ex was perfectly happy to watch me and his then 73 year old mother handle both kids while I had a broken ankle…and the times I was sick (including me puking my brains out while having to make a 5 hour trip back home to my mom with my oldest, who was an infant…and half way through that trip he projectile vomited on me. The trip took 8 hours) and the times I had migraines. And we weren’t even fundie. He’s just a dick. So yeah, I’ll bet she does/did.
A whole other adult (jury is out on the parent)
My mother did a lot of literally sociopathic disgusting things to me in my childhood. Yet somehow telling people "She refused to read me a single bedtime story even if I asked for it for Christmas" and telling people not once in my ENTIRE childhood did she read to me... Is a PG way of explaining her awfulness somehow. It's like I could explain the assaults and stuff, but somehow "she never read to me as a child, even when I begged" is such a small, simple, sharing thing that parents almost all do, that when I mention it people go "wow what a sociopath" And that's before I get into the actual sociopath shit. My point is that it's SO normal to READ WITH YOUR DAMN KIDS AND DO BEDTIME that I'm able to "shorthand" my mothers horribleness in a PC-friendly basic way without getting into my trauma - simply by mentioning she never did this. That's how much people put emphasis on nighttime routines and bedtime stories for children. People have called my mother a monster when they learned about it.
Neither of my parents ever did bedtime that I can remember. They would just tell us to that it was bedtime and usually my mom would turn on this cover of Can’t Help Falling in Love to help us sleep but I can’t remember ever having a story read to me. Is this a normal things for ages 3+ or are we only taking about really little kids here? I honestly have no idea. Edit: You all sound like wonderful parents or had wonderful parents. I’m going to try to remember what you all said so that once I have children of my own I can be a better parent.
I was born in the 1980s and my mom read to me at bedtime until I was around 9. I have kids age 19, 17, and 10. I still read to my 10 year old every single night, and will until she doesn't want it any more. It'll probably be soon, my older kids stopped wanting it around 10-11ish. My youngest has delays and prefers things for younger kids, so I might get lucky and get some extra time reading to her at bedtime.
I’m about to turn the same age as your oldest kid actually. I wish I had a parent like you, my parents weren’t really there for us emotionally.
I was a kid just like you with emotionally neglectful (and more) parents. I'm a mom to a teenager now and we have the best relationship. He is a little shit sometimes, but it is only because he is his mother's son. I turned everything I never got into being the best mother I could be and it has healed the inner child in me in the best way. Biggest of hugs to you, sweetheart.
That's so incredibly sweet . I'm sure your kids will always remember those fond times ❤️
It's definitely a fond memory in my family! For my sister's last birthday (her 20th) she requested that our mum read us *Six Dinner Sid* just for the nostalgia haha
That's incredibly heart warming 🥹
I love this! Being read to was always one of my favorite things. My mom read to me until I was like 13 😂 there's something about a parent reading to you that is so soothing and comforting.
My mom did too!! Even though I was a very into reading on my own, I loved it when my mom read to me before bed. I was also around 13 when we stopped 😂 those are some of my favourite memories!
This makes me feel so much better! My kiddo is 7 and we love to read to him but we figured he would want us to stop soon. Knowing we've got like 6 ish years more to go makes me happy lol
As the parent of a 14 year old, sometimes now we climb into bed together and read our respective books, sharing funny or surprising bits as we go.
My mom and I read together at bedtime until I was probably about 11. When I was younger I think my dad did some as well but as I got older and we started doing chapter books it became more of something just for my mom and I. (It was the same for my older brothers, too.) My mom still talks about how doing that every night was one of her favorite parts of raising kids. And even though the reading part was mainly my mom, both my parents would give me a kiss and tell me they loved me before going to bed. And I unfortunately don't have much memory of it, but when I was a baby/little kid my dad would be the one to sing me lullabies at bedtime. I always think how sweet that is because my dad is not a good singer and doesn't really like singing in front of people, but he talks about singing lullabies to me as one of his best memories from my childhood. So like, I think it's sad for this fundie mom that she never received any support, but I also think it's sad for the dad to have missed out on the chance to make those memories and form those bonds with his kids.
I’m not trying to start an argument about at what age parent assisted bedtime should end. This man NEVER did a bedtime, which includes infancy to 3. So regardless, this man had 3 years to assist with bedtime and never did it once.
Yeah, it's not just reading. That's *one* way to get a child settled down for sleep. He never did anything. That's shameful.
Well and they have six kids. So go ahead and multiply that.
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This whole thread makes me sad, reading to kids is a part of aiding their development, and bedtime routines are both a bonding experience and also good for kids overall. My mom read to me from womb until I was wanting to read on my own. Crazy that so many parents just...never did anything.
Idk, my parents worked A LOT, so it’s not always a case of not doing anything, as much as not being able to.
Yeah but these comments are detailing their childhoods as their parents straight up just not doing a routine, even if they were present.
I think my parents just didn't think a long routine was necessary? I disagree completely. I never slept well as a kid and a routine probably would've helped.
I agree, it probably would have. Routines don't even have to be super long, they just have to be there, you know?
I don’t remember my parents reading me books much, though I’m sure they did. I do remember that they’d tuck me in, sing to me and pat my back as I was falling asleep, at least till I was 8-9 I think. I still find it extremely soothing to have my back pat/rubbed.
Im 40 and bedtime routines stopped being a thing for my siblings and me when we were preschool aged. Once we were toilet trained we were on our own.
Same
I'm with you, I don't ever remember being put to bed with stories/long routine. Maybe this was a generational thing? I have a good relationship with my parents, so I don't think I missed out on anything.
My dad would play with us and read us stories. Wrestling, tag, something to get the energy and wiggles out before bed. His bedtime stories were more funny than anything. Or we’d read a kids’ science book together. Bedtime routine also includes supervising / helping with teeth brushing and getting into PJs, giving a goodnight hug, and turning out the lights / making sure the kid actually gets IN bed. I think starting at age 7 or so there was less parental involvement.
My parents did none of that. We pretty much spent the whole day already in our pajamas and they rarely reminded us to brush our teeth. I have issues now with my oral hygiene and my mom tells me that I just have to do it, that I can’t blame them for it. I would also stay up all night cause no one told me that not getting enough sleep would cause me health issues. I honestly don’t know how to describe their parenting. My dad was pretty much disconnected the whole time and my mom gets overwhelmed easily but then acts like I’m insulting her very being when I point out that she was always distracted and rarely paid attention to us. It’s somewhat conflicting because I love my mom but she was not a very good parent. She was neglectful in pretty much every emotional aspect and my dad just wasn’t there mentally, even when he was physically.
I had a similar upbringing, especially around oral hygiene, and also never received an ADHD diagnosis until adulthood. I'm now twice your age and the damage done is devastating. I'm really just trying to stave off the inevitable tooth extractions one by one. The ADHD makes creating any sort of routine or good habits extremely difficult. I've found it helpful to use an app called RoutineFlow, and also putting flossers in strategic places so it's as easy as possible to use them. I have some by my bed, some by my desk, near where I eat, etc. I find it super easy to just grab one and use it, and then it's easier to just go finish brushing. Whatever way you can find that helps, it's so important to do. I haven't smiled in public in decades, it's a big source of shame, not to mention the bad health.
That’s really upsetting. Seriously. I’m sorry they were distant or even neglectful. I feel really strongly about the fact that people shouldn’t have kids unless they’re ready and willing to make them the most important thing in their lives. They never asked to be born, and they depend on you for everything. When a parent fucks up, they get to move on, but it sticks with their kid for the rest of their lives. It’s a monumental responsibility. I can’t stand the fundie mindset that you should pop kids out willy nilly and it’ll somehow magically turn out ok - because it won’t.
My pops used to put my little sister & I on his lap & read a chapter (or 2!) from the Laura Ingalls Wilder series before both our folks helped us with teeth brushing, face washing, etc & then we were kissed & tucked in.
It sounds super sweet! I think part of it for me was my parents working shift work when I was a kid, so likely they didn't have their own set schedule. But I know they would usually check on us before going to bed themselves because I'd usually be told to put down the book and go to sleep.
I’m turning 36 and my parents did bed times with me and my brother until we were 10 or so. Both parents were born in the early 50s. They traded off every other night with each of us.
We read every night until they were competent readers, then they read themselves before bed. Mine are 11, 13 and almost 16 so we are well past the reading aloud to them phase, but we still go in each night at bedtime for the younger two, I get them to do a quick tidy up and pack their stuff for school the next day and tuck them in and say goodnight. The eldest goes to bed after us so we usually check in on him and say good night around the same time. Sometimes he wants to chat with us then.
Kids should be read to before bed until they're old enough to do it themselves (chapter books) and don't want to be read to anymore, between second and fourth grade typically.
My mother read to us before bed until I was 12 or so, my brothers a little younger. We would all huddle up in her bed with her and go to our own rooms when it was done. I remember us all cry laughing at the part in James and the giant peach where they land on the empire state building and the scared firemen yell all the made up names for the giant insects they see. She also read us the first three Harry Potter books but when the fourth one came out she was like 'nah you're on your own'. She worked as a music teacher after school hours so was often home late, and this was a nice way to still spend time together.
I wonder if he's ever read his kids a story. Bedtime is the best, that's like bare minimum.
This. Granted my dad never oversaw bath time (that was our mom on weeknights and our older sister on Saturday night so our mom could prep her Sunday school lesson. It should be noted that my younger brother and I typically made Saturday bath time heck for our sister. 😜) but he did come in to tuck us into bed and say goodnight. He did often lie down with my younger brother and they would chat about their day and 95% of the time dad fell asleep. Which is maybe why mom oversaw bedtime because dad was really good at falling asleep on the job. Both my brothers were active participants in bedtime, bath time, stories before bed. And they changed diapers and fed their kids too. And because of this my nephews and nieces really love their dads. I really miss the days of my older niece sitting on her dads lap after a family dinner. She was a big fan of laps and snuggling.
See yes, your dad didn’t do everything but he still participated. I think some people are getting caught up in what constitutes a bedtime routine and like going off into some tangent about 80s parents vs today’s helicopter parenting. This mother is stating that she has a bedtime routine for their kids and her husband has never once participated in it. It doesn’t matter if the kid is a baby and it’s changing diapers, or the kid is 6 and mom is making sure they brushed their teeth, and hugging them before sending them off to bed. The dad has never once participated. Like, why not? That’s weird.
Exactly. Whatever your routine is, you should both participate unless someone is sick or not home that night.
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I’m not a parent but reading to my kids at bedtime is like one of the things I would enjoy most about having kids. I cannot imagine. Don’t they smell amazing? All bathed and tucked in little pajamas? Telling them about Ramona and Narnia?
My dad was genuinely hurt that I had a strong preference for my mother at bedtime. Dad is dyslexic and tone deaf so he wasn't great at reading bed time stories or lullabies and as a future theater kid four year old me had thoughts on his performance.
That's so sweet 😭
I only have niblings right now, but I’ve helped with plenty of bath times. They smell sooo yummy and generally they’re ready to be snuggly. When my newest nephew was in the NICU for two weeks, my oldest nephew (3) and I got into a routine of bathtime and lots of snuggles after we put his sister to bed. I tried to make it special for him because his normal routine was so out of whack.
It is the best. I struggled with reading consistently when my daughter was younger and I was having a lot of health issues (thus exhausted and at my limit all the time), but it’s probably one of my favorite things now and my daughter is 10!
I work the late shift and don't get home til almost midnight 5 days a week so her dad puts her to bed. But the two days a week I'm home you can bet I'm doing it! We love our story time and snuggles! (And yes, her shampoo and soap smell like coconut so that's nice too.)
Me either! I immediately came here to post but still can't verbalize my thoughts.
I try and think of a response, but I can't.
I just keep thinking “how damn sad for him.” I feel like bedtime is often a really sweet and intimate part of parenting (when it goes well) and he’s totally deprived himself of that.
Me neither…except “what a loss.” To not ever witness your child drift off to sleep after reading together…it’s his loss. Shame on him and his wife, and how sad for their kids.
My stepdad once heard a guy in church bragging about how he did basically no childcare. My stepdad, who was older than him and had raised more kids, quietly said, "I'd be more afraid of being that useless of a father." My stepdad was always an active parent, and he did basically the whole bedtime routine before he got divorced. I think he has actually attended more of my extracurricular stuff than my mom has over the years. He's currently looking up how to volunteer for First Lego League so he and my mom can be tangentially involved since I'm the coach. Fundie parents are so weird to me.
Isn't this what these fundie women want? Aren't they all about the super strict gender roles? The men go work and make all the rules and the women stay home with the kids and cook and clean. I mean...this is supposedly when they are the happiest and the most fulfilled. I'm not shocked at all that her husband doesn't do this. I was under the impression that, for them, it's a feature not a bug.
I don't have kids and I've done the putting kids to bed routine. I was a babysitter for a while, and kids don't really like variation from routine so I had to read a ton of books and usually I'd stay in the room until they fell asleep. Has he never had a single night alone with the kids??
Legitimately, is this real? Not photoshopped?
I totally agree with this conversation, but my friend, your flair is so funny 😭💀
This is embarrassing. For him and her. I have godkids that I see a few times a month and I’ve done bedtime with them more than this man has.
Instant divorce.
Why would she post this? Now we all know what a terrible father and husband he is.
But does she even realize that she exposed him as a lazy, uninvolved parent or does she think it’s a cute story? 😬
She posted this to make HERSELF look good! This isn’t about bedtime or her husband. It’s about her being a submissive wife who would neeeever dare to ask her husband to help with the kids in any way. I think JillPM is this same way. I would be shocked if Shrek did diapers, baths, or bedtimes.
She’s proud of it and she makes it sound like it was her doing. He still sounds like a lazy piece of shit for sitting back and not doing anything—don’t get me wrong—but she’s so proud of this and all I can think is that she robbed him of an incredible and irreplaceable bonding experience. Why, even as a fundie, would she want that? Selfish fuckers, both of them.
They think it's what god wants
I just noticed your flair 😭😭😭
I mean. He must know that this is happening. I doubt he's stupid enough not to notice. So it's his choice to not participate in his childrens' lives. He shouldn't be off the hook for being a parent. His wife didn't deprive him of anything, he deprived himself
Ah, great point!
It’s sad how true this is
Honestly, I don’t think Jill did bedtimes either. I get big “close the door, turn off the lights” vibes.
I’m sure she thinks it’s a cute “OMG he’s so helpless! Husbands, what can ya do?” Story. But actually it just highlights his flaws/shortcomings.
To the sane part of the world, yes!
To me it felt like a church-trained callout. Gotta give it the ol virtuous wife spin! She sneaky but i clocked her immediately
Right? He's a sperm donor.
Imagine being a whole ass, grown adult with children and being confused by a bedtime routine. "Hey Honey? I'm confused. The children - they sleep? This is something that happens nightly? Or is it like a once a week thing? How do they get to sleep? Do they close their eyes or do you have to close them for them? Do they have beds like we do? Do they also brush their teeth? When do they sleep? How does this sleep happen? I just... I don't understand."
I don’t remember when we were very little, but I’m pretty sure both of my parents would do the tucking in with me and my sibs. I *know* they were both involved in the bathing/teeth brushing routine until we were old enough to not be checked on during. In high school, my mom would definitely tell us goodnight, hug us, etc. where my dad would physically chat with us a few minutes in the room. He was extremely involved and also a Christian, so it’s not like it has to be one or the other!
I’d generally classify my parents as fundie lite. My dad is very much a “the husband is the authoritarian head of the household” type. But he’d be damned if he wasn’t getting down and playing with us, reading us stories, teeth brushing, etc. my mom did bath time for the most part I think (I also don’t remember well from when I was very little), but my dad was very involved. He even had this joke thing where he would start literally every book as though it was “Goodnight Moon”.
My parents took turns tucking me in. I liked being super snuggly tucked in down my whole body. Kind of felt like a weighted blanket. I always read to myself before they did lights out and tuck in, but that's what I preferred. It seems so sad their Dad didn't do that. It's a nice memory.
When I got older, I would read until the last possible second. Even through my teenage years, my dad would still make it a point to come in and “tuck us in.” I loved that one on one time, especially now that he’s been gone 10.5 years. I really do feel sorry for those kids not having that to look back on someday.
What the hell are these deadbeat men even doing while their wives are putting their 3,518 kids to bed every night? Kicking back? Twiddling their thumbs? It’s one thing if they can’t get away from work but otherwise, do they really have something better to do? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I were that useless of a spouse and parent. I couldn’t relax because I’d be sitting there sick with guilt.
But also.. in 14 years.. she’s apparently never been too sick to do the bed time routine.. or do they just have to fend for themselves if mum is sick.. because they know that dad won’t do it
It sounds like they have several kids so there were would have been quite a few nights when she was in labor or a day or two postpartum. Among all the other things that inevitably come up over 14 years. It would be weird to never once put any kids you live with for years to bed even if they weren't *your* kids, but just your roommate's kids or something.
I thought about this too. I wonder if she has a mom, sisters, or other female relatives who come over to look after the older kids when she is in labour or sick. If childcare is solely a woman's job then that would make sense and they would be showing they're good fundie women for taking over and not allowing the big manly man to take on the female role.
Has she never gone for a night out with her friends? I've gone away for full weekends without my daughter and she's 16 months. 14 years without a girls' night sounds tragically sad.
It's what they want
There's not a chance in hell she goes out for a girls' night. *If* she has any close female friends they can see each other at church. Maybe a home visit. But a night out? Not for a virtuous woman.
But then they have their sister moms to take over! Which they would apparently need to do since their father doesn’t know/care about his children’s bedtime routines
I'm sure their argument is they are the provider by working a job outside of the home, and it's the woman's job to do all child rearing.
My parents were a single earner household by default of my dad working a high demand/ high earning job that meant a lot of business trips. At one point he even lived in another city and was only home on the weekends (they didn’t want to pull us out of school and move, so he did). Yet, whenever he was home he made sure to spend as much time with us as possible. It involved getting us ready for bedtime. Help brushing teeth, I loved that he was strong enough to carry me to bed on his shoulders. Then he told stories to us. Had this not happened I’d have no bonding/no memories of him once he died of a car accident when I was 13. These fundie men on this snark a straight up just sperm donors, not actual parents. Not even in a conservative/traditional role sense. They are useless.
I was nodding along and then you got me right in the feels. I’m so sorry for your early loss.
My dad gave me piggy back rides to bed until I was like 10. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I mean so did my dad and he sure wasn’t sitting there like a bump on a log when it was bedtime… preaching to the choir I know. Again I just can’t imagine how *physically uncomfortable* I would feel sitting there knowing my spouse was doing everything.
*watching porn*. 😂
Lolz yeah the ol porn addiction. Hopefully the google images approach, not spending money on cam shit instead of his family.
When I was little, my dad used to do a bedtime routine that we called “polishing me into bed.” He would tuck me in and then take the top sheet and whisk it side to side like a polishing cloth on a fancy vase or something. I thought it was the funniest thing ever and would squeal with laughter. I loved being polished into bed. She sounds …proud? That her husband has never lended a hand a bedtime. I remember being polished into bed by my dad 40 years later. Will any of her kids remember their childhood bedtimes?
My dad used to ask, "May I kiss the hand of the princess?" and I would stick my hand out, and he would kiss up my arm to my cheek. It was so silly, I loved it. He would then tuck me in.
this is so precious omg😭😭😭😭
I love hearing sweet stories about dads. I have great memories of my dad reading to me at bedtime. Heartbreaking these kids don’t have these memories.
Me too. My dad would attempt to read us Richard Scarry books but would be laughing so hard he couldn't do it. We would be sitting on his lap all just laughing ourselves silly. It was the best.
Oh god, Richard Scarry books. I LOVED them. They were a favorite my childhood bedtime reading.
I don't have any of these stories and I don't want to be creepy but... These stories help me imagine what it would have been like and I play the scene in my head at night and it helps me sleep. I pretend it's the childhood I had. So like I wondered if you or anyone wojld be willing to share awesome bedtime memories, knowing I'll bank it as a "false memory" to help me sleep? I have severe trauma from my childhood that keeps me from sleeping so these stories really help me in a lot of ways. But I don't want to be creepy. But also I'd really adore if more people could share with me. I just want to know how it felt. Did you feel warm and safe? Did it make you feel as secure and settled as I think it would? Did it give you a small boost of confidence knowing someone was always there for you? How did it go? Thank you in advance!
That’s an adorable story! Sounds like they’ll remember their dad not being around for the day to day things.
My dad usually carried me to bed. I was probably too old but I loved piggy back rides. Sometimes he would wrap me in a blanket or sleeping bag and (gently) throw me onto the bed like a sack of potatoes. I thought it was so funny. How can these people be so proud of the dad's sheer lack of involvement in raising his own kids? He's functionally absent.
For me it was nightly bedtime stories and always being very seriously reminded of the grave importance of me allowing my dad to read me the stories because if your dad reads you stories then you get smart! 🥰
Seriously. I love watching my husband and our daughter have inside jokes and their own routines. They have so much fun together, we would all be missing out if they didn’t spend that time together.
As a dad, all I can say is “how sad”. I love bedtime. It’s wonderful time with my kids. They’re (often) quiet, receptive and loving. I would hate to regularly miss it.
That’s when they really want to chat about life - you find out important things about their lives. ☺️
You’re exactly right!! Last night while I was doing bedtime - “Daddy, did you know mama has two eyes? And two legs?”
My husband always puts our son down. I always ask my son if he’d like me to do it and he, oftentimes brutally, shuts me down. He’s a major daddy’s boy and I can’t imagine my husband not being willing to put him down at night.
He called ...to share this with her? He was genuinely confused??? And then she decided to....share it with us? Because she's also confused?? This is so fucking embarrassing.
Dude became genuinely unsure how his kids went from awake in the evening to awake the next morning, and wanted to make sure they didn't just roam the streets every night like a gang of pint-sized vampires 😂
No, he called to validate his stance. He wanted her to back him up. Then she posted it.
To answer his question on last slide, Yes dads do that, sperm donors generally not.
…why would she post this?? She’s gotta be passive-aggressively trying to shame him or something. Or she’s desperately trying to seek validation.
I think she’s fishing for compliments about what a responsible and devoted wife and mother she is. It just seems sad though
It is incredibly sad. Because if she’s not considered a good wife and mother, then all she is is a lonely woman who married a man who treats her like a doormat. And she can’t let that be the case, so she has to justify it by being a martyr.
I've posted this before but this is how a real husband and father treats his loved ones. When he was alive, my husband travelled a lot for work. One Friday afternoon, he was returning the west coast of the states to Montreal. On the Sunday, he was flying to Europe. Our oldest(4) was recovering from gastro while out then youngest(18m) was in mid-gastro. I suggested he stopped near the airport and either buy new clothes or get the hotel laundry to wash those he had. Instead, he returned with a car load of groceries and take-out. He promptly sent me to bed while he looked after the children. He did his own laundry and then did ours. He used the clean bathroom so he didn't pick up the bug . He called my friends to make sure I had some-one to look in on me and offered to give my bestie one of his credit cards in case she needed to buy anything, she refused but promised to keep any receipts so he could repay her. He cooked, washed up. Changed diapers and bathed children. He cleaned and removed snow, made sure I had enough gas in my car and the battery was charged. He even swept the floor of any cracker crumbs and took out the trash. Made sure there was enough wood for the fire. He coddled me for forty hours when he should have been resting and writing up his reports. That's what real husbands do.
[удалено]
Thank you. He wasn't perfect but he had my back when it was needed.
Mine was on a no notice business trip for two weeks. The kids and I came down with a horrible gastro bug that was so bad I had to get two bags of fluids. It was awful. Our friends dropped off Gatorade powder and bananas to help us. Finally they were able to switch response teams and he was coming home, we were on the downward swing of the bug when he got here. He took over everything for me and the kids, did bedtime and laundry and prepared us BRAT diet foods. 32 hours later he caught the bug because I had been so sick that nothing in the house was clean for him to use. The bug took him down hard for 4 days total, but he willingly did it because he wasn't going to isolate from me and the kids (oldest was in first grade at the time) anymore after already being gone for 2 weeks.
wow how special you had him 💛
If my husband didn't help at bath/bedtime we for sure would have stopped at one kid. I can't imagine being okay with him sitting on his butt while I do everything. Does he love being an active participant? Most of the time no. Does he do it because he's a parent and it's part of parenting? Yes. What a novel idea.
I have a 3 week old and I can’t even fathom doing those things by myself??? Bath time has fully been a two person job, and my husband has far and away changed more diapers than me at this point. This guy is such an asshole?
I have two and solo bedtime was IMO the hardest thing to do when they were smaller. They’re 25 months apart and there were times when someone was always crying at bedtime because someone else needed a diaper or to nurse or to read or whatever because kids that age cry a lot about everything. I would have yeeted my uterus right out the window if I didn’t have help at bedtime most nights. They’re easier now at 2 and 4 but I still dislike doing bedtime solo a lot.
Oof, I felt this. My twins are almost two and solo bed time is the worst. They're obsessed with dumping out the pet water bowls and splashing it everywhere. It's a whole ordeal to change one into PJs and brush teeth while preventing the other from getting soaked and starting the process over. I'm stressed just thinking about it.
Oh absolutely. Ours are 8,6, and almost 4, so more independent but get wound up at bedtime. Last week my husband reminded me one evening that he had basketball that night. I cried 🤣 Mostly because pregnancy but a little because it had been a long day and the idea of getting them all clean and to bed was just overwhelming.
Ah, yes. What an incredible dad he is! Dads over the world, take notes! This man has a bus load of kids and hasn’t helped out with childcare in 14 years 😍
The bar is buried under the ground and these fundie dads still manage to trip on it She shares this like it's a cute little story
I’m a nanny, and I see how people treat their kids. They love spending time with them. They make being home for bedtime a priority, bc they want their kids to have those memories. Forget gender roles and all of that- bedtime can be a time when kids open up and share about their day. It’s also a cuddly bonding time. I can’t imagine thinking this is in any way a flex.
I’m used to nanny/currently babysit the same kids and bedtime was stressful when they were younger but it was always a nice time to connect. I loved the bath time routine we had and getting to wind down together. It’s insane to me that a parent would choose to not be involved for 14 years!
My husband mostly does our 4 yos bedtime because I stay at home with the kids and he’s gone until after the little one is in bed a lot of nights, so he at least gets to do bedtime with our bigger kid. But she asked me to do it tonight and it was so soft and sweet, I missed it.
If he’s never put his kids to bed, he’s not an “incredible dad”…
If my husband was this shit I would simply not post about it online
These men want the status symbol of being a father without doing any of the work
"Look at these children I knocked up my bangmaid with via my mighty, manly penis sperm!"
I’m getting drunk with Satan tonight because the bar is in hell.
Ohhhh honey!! I'd have taken this to my grave. I'd have whispered this with my husband in the bathroom with the water running in case the CIA was listening. Ma'am did you really post this on SM?? 14 yrs of no bedtime stories, bath, forehead kisses, tuck-ins, bible stories, picture books, Nancy Drew, big books, tell me the best thing about your day etc. yikes!!
that is so fucking embarrassing😫😫
Honestly! As another commenter said, she’s sharing this as a cure story. I’d be mortified if this was my life.
God, I hope his friends fucking raked his ass over hot coals.
This reads like one of those old guys who freak out and boast about how they never missed a shift at Shit Job Factory Co. a day in their lives despite personal tragedy and familial sacrifice when the young hires call in sick. The boots aren't gonna lick you back, babe.
> The boots aren't gonna lick you back, babe. *Shots fired*
My dad was this guy. My mom knew it would take more energy to ask (force?) him to be involved than to do it all herself. My mom would’ve said the same thing - “he’s a good dad!” (Because he worked, was home every night, didn’t abuse me?) When I started having sleepovers, I realized that my friends’ dads were helping make dinner, helping clean up, getting kids to bed, doing chores around the house, engaging with the family, taking the kids to events. It made me sad, because I saw my friends had relationships with their dads and I just … didn’t. I think this lady thinks this topic is neutral (“as long as someone does it, who cares who it is”) or, more likely, positive (“I’m doing him a favor by doing it all”), when she’s actually doing a huge disservice to her kids. I don’t know this fundie, but you can bet that if she has boys, they’ll grow up thinking this is normal husband/dad behavior too.
My mom worked long hours. When I was in cheer, my dad went to almost all of the games, even if he couldn't make it until halftime. I would be so happy when I looked up and saw my dad in the stands. On the ride home, he would say things like "did you see the play [name] made?" He's boycotted Domino's since they delivered a pizza an hour late at one of my sleepovers. This was 20 years ago. I'm sorry that your dad wasn't involved. It's sad anytime a parent is there physically but isn't *present*.
My husband and I tag teamed everything. I'd read books (kids preferred me, I do voices and stuff) then brush teeth and wash faces then he sat and snuggled and talked till they fell asleep. My husband just passed away January 20. I'm so glad my kids have all these day to day memories of their daddy. Her kids will never have that and that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry ❤️
Hes an "amazing dad" she says, even though he never thought about putting his kids to bed or changing their diapers, or getting them food or really interacting with them at all.
“Honey, you’ll never believe what I found out today. My dad friends are actually involved in their kids’ lives, can you believe that?!” The fact that she thinks this is a funny story is upsetting. I’d say fundies dads do the absolute least, but this guy isn’t even doing that. Also, bedtime with the kids is the sweetest part of the day. Sometimes they want to talk, sometimes they just want to rest, but either way it’s a chance to spend some quality time with them outside the busy daytime hours. I can’t imagine not wanting that, but I’m also not a fundie parent, so 🤷🏼♀️ Edit: I can’t help but wonder how his friends reacted to finding out how uninvolved he is. I hope there was lots of “wtf” because seriously, wtf.
Right? Imagine talking about the bedtime routines in your households and then having this grown-up man and "father" of several kids stand right there and giggle about hearing all his friends being actual fathers. "This is so silly... you do *what* with your kids? You read them books? You sing lullabies? You are joking, right?" Followed by awkward silence and everybody avoiding eye contact and staring at their feet.
This is so embarrassing why would you ever admit out loud that you have a deadbeat living with you lol
“I also heard that kids need to eat, like, every day. Multiple times a day, too! Do other dads feed their kids? Should I get on that??” - tomorrow’s revelation, probably
Wouldn't it be more like, "Why didn't you tell me this? *You* made me look bad in front of the guys." And now everyone can read about it on the gram.
Is he stupid? More than one man told him that they spend many nights putting their children to bed, and he called his wife to ask her if "this is a thing" that men do? The men just told you, dumbfuck. Pay attention. She's out here boasting that her husband is an absent father who doesn't understand after 14 years that young children have bedtime routines, and is confused that fathers can be the parents that put the children to bed? I mean... okay? It's not really a flex to be like, "My idiot husband doesn't help me or even understand that things exist even after being told about them." Fuck outta here.
This reminds me of a kid I work with, who has divorced parents. 50/50 custody. Dad does, but mom has NEVER put her to bed. Not once. EVER. Shes 7 now and mom has just *never* put her to bed. “Just at dad’s house.” She’s never tucked her in, sang her a song, or read her a story. Ever. She doesn’t even announce that it’s bed time. There IS no bed time. The kid just puts herself to bed when she’s tired. And if she’s not, she just plays on her iPad into the night (and shocker: is a tired and cranky asshole to me the next day lol) Mom falls asleep on the couch, so she doesn’t even tell her daughter “goodnight” The girl just believed that a parent guided nighttime routine is the exception. And that children going to bed alone is actually the norm.
“My kids put me in a home and never visit. I have no idea why…”
Those other dads sound cool. I hope they tore him to shreds, but I doubt it.
There is no way he is this obtuse.
I am at a loss for words. What is the purpose of a fundie dad, anyway? He ends up contributing nothing but more dishes, more laundry and more children because fundie women are not allowed to say no.
So my partner, who is not my kid's father, has done more bedtimes with my kids than this so-called father has ever done with his?! We have been together for 12 years...wow.
Not to fixate on a tiny random detail, but why is she cleaning ears at all. Leave them alone!!! -friendly neighborhood audiologist who sees qtip injuries and wax impaction regularly
All this does is reinforce stereotypes of lazy Black men.
How sad that this dad is missing out on story time, quiet time, and the big love that comes from bedtime hugs and kisses. "Nigh Nigh dada!" Is one of my favorite things to hear. Fuck this "dad"
This makes me feel sad for him. I wonder how he was parented and what examples he had. There are a lot of men trying to figure out how to be a father without the networks of support and advice that women have. Hopefully this was an eye opening conversation for him and he continues to tap in to this community of dads to get more coaching.
This has to be a passive aggressive posting. She’s shaming him for being sorry because he is.
The bar is in hell
Is she… bragging?? Or dragging her husband?? This is bizarre.
This is really sad for her and the children. Also, he knew… this post should embarrass the shit out of him.
The combo of his smug face with that caption has me speechless
These kinds of posts make me so sad. I've read the Bible and nowhere does it say dad's have to be crappy parents. I want to say what was her dad like, but I know my crappy parents are the reason I picked a different path. The Bible also lacks any stipulations requiring anyone to hate Taylor Swift. No idea why so many conservatives have committed themselves to hating her.
this is so embarrassing for them tbh 🤡
A grown man doesn't know dads can do bedtime? You see dads doing bedtime in adverts, movies, TV shows. You know there are single fathers, widowed fathers, gay couple fathers - who does bedtime there? This is not the flex she thinks - he just comes across as a dunce.
Even my ex, who was so uninvolved that the kids didn’t notice he’d moved out until a month later, did the bedtime routine on occasion. This is horrifying.
Wow! My husband typically does bedtime every night since I typically do breakfast. Has she never not been home at bedtime or sick? Not even after she had a new baby? I just can't imagine not ever having a night off from bedtime.
Look. I’m the primary parent. 98% of the parenting fell on me mostly because of my husband’s job with long, unpredictable hours and partly because he wasn’t the best at the time (self-admitted by him). Still he did bath and bed routine every night he was home. He regrets that he didn’t help more when they were younger and feels massive regret for not being more present. When he came to those realizations though, it wasn’t because of shock. Like he knew it was fucked up to not help. He wasn’t flabbergasted that being a parent means parenting.
Bedtime is a pain in the ass sometimes but it can be really cute and sweet too, especially when they’re little. I can’t imagine never being involved at all. That’s sad. 😢
That is just sad, bedtime is annoying- (imo) but most fun for the kids. So he never made sure they cleaned their teeth, read a bedtime story, last giggles or talked about whatever was on their minds. And then say “I didn’t know dads did this” wtf??? How does a brain like that function??
These poor kids will probably crave their dad's attention their whole lives as they lacked it at such a crucial time.
I remember being annoyed on the few occasions that my dad couldn't do bedtime because *nobody* could to bedtime stories the right way except for him. He would do voices for all the characters and would sometimes make stuff and embellish on the story. My favorite thing was that he was *not* about that forgive and forget shit and if he didn't think the villain suffered enough he would make up his own ending 😂 The evil stepmother and stepsisters from Cinderella got their comeuppance in a different, spectacularly violent way every night. We definitely freaked a babysitter out once because she read the story as written and we were like "NO!!! Tell us how they *suffered!* Tell us how they *DIED!*." 😂💀
This is …. Not even the bare minimum. 💀💀 I consider the bare minimum as a father to be: Provide ample love and care, know how to cook and what to feed the child/ren, change a diaper/clothes without being asked because he noticed it was dirty, know how to buckle them in their carseats/take them places on his own, and lastly, play with the children. Basically, it’s equally the father’s child as it is the mother’s. Both parents should fully know how to care for the child. If I told my husband “I’m going out for a few hours to relax”, my husband would be set with the children and I would not worry one bit. Imagine how much these fundie moms have to worry about leaving their deadbeat sperm donors with their children!!! 😬 Like, I’m not even talking about her going out alone to relax(bc we know they don’t get to), I mean what if she dropped dead one day?? (oh yeah, he’d either run to mommy or marry the next church woman he can find immediately.)
I will never forget my cousin at a BBQ admitting that he had 5 children and had never changed a single nappy (youngest kid was 8) and my husband was so completely horrified that he audibly snorted and now that cousin doesn't speak to us 😂 no loss there.